runadamsrun

[runadamsrun]

I Want to Eat Your Pancreas

Hmm.

So I’ll be writing all of this out, my thoughts and feelings. And talking about the anime too, and how it ties in with those thoughts/feelings, but it’s more so I can get my thoughts out somewhere and process them. I don’t really intend for this to be an anime review or anything. 

I actually just watched the series for the first time this week. Specifically... just this Wednesday (11/17). So at my school (well, technically the school district), we have a Thanksgiving break, where we basically get the whole week of Thanksgiving off. And so I plan on actually playing a movie before every break. The original plan was to watch Josee, the Tiger and the Fish for Thanksgiving break, Your Name for winter break, I Want to Eat Your Pancreas for spring break, and A Silent Voice for summer break. 

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) enough, I couldn’t find any online dubs for Josee, the Tiger and the Fish, and the subbed ones I could find had these incredibly small and illegible subtitles (not for me, but since I’m projecting the movie for the class to watch, the subs are pretty damn illegible). So I decided to instead watch I Want to Eat Your Pancreas with the class.

Y’know, it got me. It got me pretty damn good, actually. I... didn’t expect the movie to hit me so hard. I knew it was good, but I don’t think I even knew that it was a tragedy going in.

It got me for a lot of reasons. I’ll probably list out the less important reasons first, and then followed by the more important ones. Tbh though, I don’t even have my list of reasons as I’m typing this out right now. I’m coming up with them as I go. (For reference, all of my Tumblr posts are like, stream-of-consciousness.)

For one, the soundtrack. Oh my god. The background music playing when they’re reconciling in the rain (after the “house/room scene”), or when the fireworks are going off, or during the credits. But yeah, the main one that gets me is during the fireworks scene: “Himitsu” by sumika.

And I think the second one would be the title drops. When in the beginning, Sakura told Haruki she wants to eat his pancreas. Of course, this was in the context of how it was believed, in the past, that if you were ill and there was something wrong with one of your organs (e.g., liver, heart), you just had to eat another one to get better. But then the title drops later at the end when they... both “confess” to each other. There’s way more meaning attached, and more on this later, actually.

But I think the main reason why this anime hit me so hard is because of the topics that come up. Like, less-so themes, but moreso things the two talked about or said to each other. They’re just so... beautiful, and romantic, and tragic. They’re the main reasons why I’m bothering with this post, and talking about it, and... how I feel about it. For me, I guess the main draw of anime, any anime, and what makes certain ones rank so highly, are those hard-hitting scenes and dialogue and how well they’re done and align with my own thoughts/feelings. (Same with Your Name which I’ll talk about in the future. But also why SukaSuka and Beatless are both in my top 5.) So let’s talk about some of the major scenes that got me, that launched this movie to, not just my top 5, but top 3.

When the two ate yakiniku together, of course, there was a title drop there (when she said she doesn’t want to be cremated so he can eat her pancreas). But then she talked about how there’s a foreign religion that believes that when you eat someone, their soul lives on in you. And the way I read that, it’s... hm. It’s like she was proposing that he spend eternity with her. Which is incredibly romantic in my eyes.

And then in the rain, after the house/room scene, he said that they only happened across each other by chance in the hospital. She refuted this, saying that it wasn’t just a coincidence. That every decision they’ve made so far in their lives led to them meeting that very moment. She then said that it also wasn’t anything like fate, which initially threw me off. (Because that’d be the far more romantic right?) But she followed up by talking about how she chose to write in a notebook, how he liked books and chose to pick it up, and chose to stick with her for the short remainder of her life, all of which brought them together. In retrospect, this is far better, as it suggests that they had some degree of... I guess agency or control over their lives? And everything they did, everything single action they both did, was gradual steps that helped them meet each other.

Of course, the parts where they talked about wanting to be like the other person too. How the other person is so amazing, and how they could become like them. Haruki did this as he was waiting at Cafe Spring, and Sakura did this in her farewell letter. And they followed up with this by saying that they'd like to take a leaf out of the other's book. But Haruki didn’t say this. Instead, he deleted that text and sent another one expressing the same idea, but more... personal. And now it’s something that only the two of them can understand. Something special shared between them, and only between them, in the whole world. But I’ll quote Sakura. From her farewell letter:

You see, I wanted to tell you before I died. That I'd like to take a leaf out of your book. But I shouldn't be using an expression like that. It would be a shame to describe the relationship we have using normal, everyday words. So I came up with this. I know you might not like the idea, but I've decided: I want to eat your pancreas.

The words themselves, as I mentioned earlier, are a title drop. A major reason I really liked this anime. But just a really good title drop would only make me like the anime. The reason why I love this anime is because it’s moreso this concept of... a unique “idea” that’s shared between the two of them, and only the two of them. Somehow... that hits me. An insider thing that only two people in the world will understand.

But our relationship can't be described through simple terms like love or friendship, right?

Sakura also said this earlier, in her letter, and it kind of builds upon the previous ideas I’ve been touching on. Kind of. But the relationship they share, it’s something different. It’s not friendship, of course. But I’d say it’s more than love as well. It’s something that can’t be described using “normal, everyday words” (previous quote). It’s more of... meeting your... hm. Other half? Would this mean that they’re moreso twin flames as opposed to soulmates? I’m not sure, actually. But this concept... ugh. It’s so romantic. Because they’re meant, and made, for each other. Encouraging the other’s change. And growth.

I think this idea is kind of supported when Haruki talked about how, initially, they were like, “We’re complete opposites of each other!” But upon reflection:

You often said that we're not aligned. Not looking the same way. Well, of course not. We were always looking at each other.

Continuing from that exact quote, actually, and going onto my next idea, he then said:

I'm the one who... I lived my life just to meet you.

To meet you. I've made my choices in life for the sake of nothing else.

Because this is in response to what she said, also from her farewell letter:

I always thought I was just like any other of the hundreds of thousands of high school students out there, albeit one living a slightly shorter life than usual. But you cared for a [sic] uninteresting girl like me. You, who have no need for relationships like friendship or love, chose none other than me!

Perhaps I've spent 17 years waiting to be needed by you. Just like cherry blossoms wait for spring!

She also said this again when Haruki told her his name for the first time, and she realized that they were made for each other. (Name-wise, at the time.)

But this idea... this is the biggest one. The idea of a raison d’être. Why I loved HakoMari. Because it’s just so... beautiful and romantic. Living your life for the sake of someone else.

Life, and everything in life, is so ephemeral. So to spend the short life you have, to use it, for someone else, isn’t that just so... tragic and wonderful?

I think all of the reasons above, of course, are what led to I Want to Eat Your Pancreas smashing through my anime rankings and hitting the top 3. Because...

I think of Kale I guess. And maybe Emily back then even, who... well, you can look at that post. I guess a lot of these thoughts are why I was so... heartbroken then.

But Kale... maybe... everything we’ve both done was to meet each other? And our relationship is beyond both a friendship or any describable relationship? And that we’re only showing our other sides to the other person, and only to the other person? 

I don’t know. That’s why this anime gets me. I don’t know how things will turn out between us. And well... damn it. I really don’t know. And I can’t know, and I’ll have to wait and see.

But wouldn’t it be great? Maybe I’ve lived my whole life waiting for someone. For the future sake of someone. And while I don’t know how my relationship with Kale will turn out, or who I’ll meet in the future, wouldn’t it be so romantic if we both lived our lives just to meet the other person?

[runadamsrun]

Sigh.

I’m sorry.

Ah, but sorry about that. Lol. I mean, I’m sorry I started out with an apology. I actually don’t even know why I did, but it just felt... mmm... appropriate I guess? No one will be reading this anyway.

But still, I’m sorry.

Maybe it’s my way of apologizing to some future readers for wasting their time when they’re reading this? It’s just my meaningless rambling, after all.

But why would anyone, from all the myriad of Tumblrs out there, visit this one? And read this post? I don’t know. It’s a waste of your time to read this, whoever you are. Just stop here.

But hahaha. I’m sad! I’m very very sad. Can I call it “depressed”? Sure! I’m very sad and depressed right now, all because someone hasn’t messaged me on Discord all day. Lmao.

How pathetic is that?

I... I told them yesterday I’d be resting all day today, kind of afk, because I’d gotten my COVID booster shot. And that I’d maybe bother them on Discord today. And I mean, I sent them a few messages only to delete them, because they weren’t being responded to. And they felt... small talk-y, pointless.

And I guess it’s true I’ve been Invisible all day. But the entire day, no mention of how I felt came up. Or I guess, anything. At all. A few hours ago, a little before 8, they sent a song. I responded to it, and... that was it. Then I asked what they were doing, and that was also it.

God damn it.

It feels like it’s repeating. It’s happening all over again. And that’s why I’m so depressed right now. And I’m so, so sad. Because I don’t know where I went wrong.

Before it’s even happening, I can see it disappearing, or maybe slowly unraveling, before my eyes. But I don’t know what to do. How do I stop this? How do I fix it?

Because before long, we really will stop talking. And then that’ll be it.

...

Another person gone.

But I hope I’m wrong, because... it wouldn’t disappear just like that right? It can’t. We’re... too alike. That’d just be way too fucking tragic. Haha. That’d just be way too cruel and funny!

But... I can kind of get it.

I kind of know why people commit suicide. Even when everyone else afterwards is like, “But they seemed so happy everyday.” Or, “They were fine just the other day when we talked.” Or, “There wasn’t anything going on, or wrong with their life, for them to do this.”

And I used to think like that too. But I get it now. Sometimes... life just feels so meaningless. Why am I putting in all this effort when it just leads to... nothing? And it’s all so... ephemeral. My favorite word.

Is this nihilism or something? Lol. I’m not being edgy, just saying. But it feels like... this is all a chore. There’s nothing wrong with my life, but... it’s like with Emily. I don’t feel joy or life from our conversations anymore. What’s the point of all this?

It all just feels so fucking pointless. Maybe that’s why I loved HakoMari so much. And why I liked Nanamo Ul Namo so much (lol). Because... I want to matter to someone. I want to find my Maria, and I want to matter.

I’m not doing anything, really. Seriously. Promise. I’m too great, after all. But I’m just wondering. Would anyone notice if I’m gone?

[runadamsrun]

I’m getting that feeling again.

And... I hate it.

I wish I didn’t. But I am.

It’s that feeling where... something’s changed, and not in a good way. Between us. Me and Kale.

Fuck.

I don’t know what happened, or changed, but ugh.

Damn it.

I fucking hate it because it makes me think back to the Great Truths I spoke about way back then. And something else a friend of mine, just recently actually, was talking to me about. How once something specific happens to you, like I guess a betrayal (in both our cases), it kind of taints all your future interactions or perception of things. And even though you hope you’re wrong, and maybe you are wrong, you can’t help but have that nagging doubt/voice in the back of your head. About the other person. Who maybe doesn’t deserve it at all. But it’s always there.

Ever since the previous two people left, it’s felt kind of hopeless.

Then I met someone new, whom I detailed in my previous post.

But during all of our interactions, I always have this wondering... aren’t we only talking so much because we play these games in common? What if we were to stop. What would happen then? Kind of like what I brought up with Emily when I asked her if it’s only possible because we’ve both never seen each other...

And it’s hard. I... that person’s confusing. I don’t want to message them too much, because then I’ll come off as annoying or clingy maybe. But on the other hand, if I don’t message them at all, first, then they never message me at all.

And it’s a kind of relationship that feels kind of uneven and unequal, and... I don’t know.

Damn it. I really don’t want to feel this feeling again. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Please don’t let it come true again.

[runadamsrun]

It’s been about a day since the birthday of the person in question, so hmm... I’ve had some time to reflect.

I guess there’s a lot of things I’m thinking about and... I’m not sure about.

So there’s this person. Let’s call them Kale, like that vegetable that I’m... I guess I’m just alright with, but not particularly fond of. It’s an ironic choice of a nickname because that’s absolutely not the case with this person at all. (That is, I’m extremely fond of them.)

I guess the first thing that comes to mind is a question they asked me a while ago. I don’t want to share any of our conversations out, because they’re private and... I guess also special to me, so instead I’ll paraphrase or summarize them. But I think this was within a week when we added each other on Discord, and... by this time I had known them for maybe a total of... a week or two(?) at most. Honestly, I don’t remember. But definitely less than two months.

And they asked me, paraphrased of course: 

If I suddenly disappeared without saying anything, and assuming we had a good relationship until then, would you resent me?

This question... got me. It hit pretty close to home. We actually asked each other 3 questions. I asked them 3 questions related to the game we were playing together. They asked me 1 game-related question and 2 more... personal ones? Which I didn’t, and don’t, mind. But it was such an odd question that came out of nowhere. And this question got me pretty personally because it made me think back to my senpai. The one who... I haven’t heard from, at all, for a little over a year and a half now.

I’ll admit it. Maybe I was deluded and everything, and that’s my fault. For also trying to find something, or force something, that wasn’t there. Maybe that’s why they left. I don’t know, actually. And when they left, and disappeared, I did resent them. Quite a lot actually, in retrospect. For leaving me behind. Again. Because when you leave or you’re gone, for whatever reason, it’s not just you who hurts, if you’re hurting at all. It’s the people left behind who feel the absence and void. And miss you.

I did resent her. But when Kale asked me this question, I had to spend a lot of time stewing over it, because it was so closely tied back to my experience with my senpai. And I came to a few realizations. I did resent her, but not anymore. Not after I answered Kale’s question. And that’s because I don’t believe my senpai and I said good-bye, maybe forever, on bad terms. 

If things ended because of something out of their control, well shit. Life sucks, and life happens. But what if it was within their control? Like ghosting? Well... sure, that’d suck. And I’d feel bad. I mean, I’d know because I’ve felt bad for almost a year and a half now. But I’ll... give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there’s a reason why they didn’t say good-bye and just disappeared. It’d be wrong of me to play the victim, or assume malice, when I don’t know their circumstances at all. Whether it was a ghosting or not, I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll ever know, and I’m okay with that now. But I also say this because if anything, I should be fortunate if they took the time to say good-bye or explain. They’re in no way obligated, of course, to do that favor for me. And they didn’t, but that’s fine. They didn’t have to. Whatever the reason or circumstances, life happens, and life moves on. At the very least, I had amazing memories with my senpai.

Thank you so much for everything, senpai. And good-bye, senpai.

And now I want to talk about Kale. I’ve known them for... let’s just say 4 months. We’ve played a lot of games together, and we talk to each other a lot everyday. It’s still all very surface-level stuff, but that’s fine. I’m getting to know them slowly. What I do know is that... we’re incredibly compatible. We’re similar in humor, (unpopular) opinions, and... we do this weird thing where we say what the other person’s going to say at the same time. We do that last bit quite a bit. We’re also similar in... how do I put this... level of degeneracy. Sure.

Being around Kale, I’ve had the chance to grow and be very comfortable with myself. To be very... accepting, and okay, with who I am overall. I’m okay with my humor, and I’m okay with what I believe about the U.S. and education and students. I’m okay with how... degenerate I am, for lack of a better term. And that’s because Kale is too. She’s incredibly unfiltered, and when she doesn’t hold back with me at all, I don’t feel the need to hold back either. (I wonder why she’s so comfortable with me... or if she’s like this with everyone she meets?)

And the term I used, when describing her, was a kindred spirit. Because we’re just... so similar and compatible with each other, in so many ways. It’s a bit sad that I only met her relatively recently and am getting to know her now. Being around her, it’s like, I have the chance to revel in who I really am. To be honest with myself. To take off my mask that’s permanently on. That’s always been on, until I met her. Well... it’s still on, but far less than it’s ever been.

And on this note, that’s why I’m scared. But more on that at the end. 

After Kale’s birthday, during which I gave them a gift, we talked for a bit and they proposed something: a bet.

Do you want to make a bet?

Well actually, this is a weird bet because–

Well I’ll say it anyway. Don’t get weirded out.

If you turn 30 and you're still single, and I happen to be single as well, let's get married.

And this... completely blindsided me. I never would have seen this coming. I couldn’t have. After all, according to the person in question, we supposedly set boundaries for each other. And I’m also aware (because she personally told me) that she could never get with someone online.

But this got me. But more on that in a bit.

I remember watching How I Met Your Mother in high school. And I remember the pact between Ted and Robin.

Robin: “We should make a pact! If the years go by and we both turn 40 and we're still single–”

(Ted gets up, gets down on one knee, and takes Robin's hand.)

Ted: “Robin Scherbatsky, will you be my back-up wife?”

Robin: “A girl always dreams of hearing those words. Yes! Yes! A million times yes!”

And I remember thinking that it was so romantic and cute.

Obviously, this scene from HIMYM was what I thought of when Kale proposed her “bet”.

But this got me. But more on that in a bit.

And... her bet gets me because... I don’t think she’d do something so cruel, even if she messes with me a lot. I don’t believe she’d joke about something like that. But how can she propose a bet like that when she doesn’t even really know who I am? How does she know I’m not a creep, or like... whatever. She doesn’t know what I look like, even.

So how can she propose such a bet? Like I said, I don’t think she’d be so cruel but... I guess my past history... has me doubting people. I don’t want to doubt her. I believe in her. I trust her. But... it just seems too good to be true. Because she seems confident, successful, headstrong, popular, and powerful. Why would she... make that bet with me? Again, not knowing who I am. Unless she’s not serious and I’m overthinking this, but... would she joke about this? I don’t know, but I also don’t want to brush it off in case she is serious. Which I’m sure she is, because I don’t think she’d joke about this... but then why would she make that bet with me? 

And on this note, that’s why I’m scared. But more on that at the end.

Regardless, I’m scared though. Because first of all, life is... life. I don’t want to put down anymore than this because I’m afraid of jinxing it, or putting my words and ideas out into the universe. But I’m scared, and worried, first and foremost.

Secondly, it’s because she’s so amazing. I hate myself. I hate how insecure or possessive or clingy I am.

Will she wait until I’m 30?

I don’t know. Why would she? And... I’m scared for this reason because she’s my kindred spirit. Whenever we’re talking, and then I imagine she says something like, “Oh by the way, I’m not single anymore. I have a boyfriend.” I... can’t. I imagine I’d be so devastated. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who I can be so open with, who I can be so honest with, who I can be so comfortable with. Someone who is so similar to me, and shares so much with me. And I’m scared of not ever meeting someone like that ever again. I don’t want to lose her to anyone else.

That’s why I’m scared. The pact, or “bet” as she calls it, there’s two ways to look at it:

It’s a back-up plan if we’re both single, so that’s all it is. The bet is the focus here.

It’s a promise to each other, to wait __ years. The other person is the focus here.

And when she proposed that bet, well... I was happy. Because she’s... amazing. I like her a lot. I’ll just say that right now. I like her a lot, and I look forward to playing games with her, and talking to her every day. To me, the bet is a promise to each other.

And that’s why I’m scared. I don’t know if she looks at it the same way. I... don’t even know if she’s serious.

But I will say, after she made that bet... I was pretty happy for the entire next day.

[runadamsrun]

#9

So when my mom makes soup base, she always leaves the... soup base to sit in the fridge overnight. And it’s because she’s super pro-healthy eating for the family and doing this lets all the fats coagulate and rise to the top.

I was helping her take it out of the fridge in the morning and I saw how the random piece of fat (I think, right?) looked like a little figure!

Also, this is like a super old picture from way back in August 2016.

[runadamsrun]

I found these pictures randomly as I was going through the bunch of folders on my old laptop. And they were from when I exported pictures off from my even-older phone (when I used it back in college).

These two pictures (well, the first one specifically) are related to the picture from an older post of mine where I shared a picture of the... board? 

Picture #1 was taken on 02/18/15, and picture #2 was taken on 04/07/15 btw.

But anyway, so this board, if I recall correctly, was one where any student could paint (spray?) over it and draw whatever they wanted. Or is it graffiti whatever they wanted? And these two (well, three, including the one on the super old post from a few years ago) really stood out to me. So I took a picture of them to remember them even once they’re painted over.

[runadamsrun]

It’s been a while since I’ve put anything up on my Tumblr.

One reason is because I’ve been busy. Teaching is an awful lot of work. Of course, it’s been so much easier this year with the pandemic going on and schools being closed (I’m personally loving this though, so sorry everyone). Virtual/distance/online (whatever you want to call it) teaching has made this job so much easier, and so much more refreshing, compared to what I went through my first year last year.

So yeah. While it has been much easier, I’ve still been busy because I’ve had to change up my lesson plans. Like, adapting them to make them online-learning-friendly. I’ve also been trying to change my curriculum map to better connect and tie in the subjects students will be learning throughout the year (to like, connect what they’re learning in the first unit, for example, and make it relevant and come up later even in the latter part of the school year). So there’s that too.

...

But another reason why it’s been so long since I’ve put anything on my Tumblr is because I’ve been... waiting, I guess. And hoping that I’m wrong, and just... my wishing that there’s some logical, or romantic, explanation for what I’m about to talk about. I’d say this is probably my main reason; because I’ve been too afraid to put it into text and out into the universe.

But just the other day, on the 10th of November (I remember because I spent Veterans Day the next day brainstorming how to finish up this post), I finished one of my favorite (maybe after HakoMari) light novel series of all time: Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei. And to summarize it with a few words, there are these two “siblings” who are really, really in love with each other; like, a completely and genuinely true love. And with complete trust and dedication in each other. And I guess... finishing the series and seeing the true love between the two characters made me reflect on my own life.

After all, it’s in the middle of November, and right now, I feel like I need to put this down somewhere. Because the way things are looking is so different from... that. That I can’t help but feel bitter and depressed and just... hurt.

...

I first met my senpai in February over 4 years ago (in 2016). If you look far back enough in my Tumblr, you’ll see that post: when I first met her at KPQ. It’s been over 4 and a half years since that day, and it’s been a ridiculous roller coaster between us with so many ups and downs I’ve lost count.

When I first met her in the game, I admittedly thought her character looked cute. Of course, I know it’s just a character sprite. I could make a girl character myself and no one would be the wiser. But well, that was my first impression I guess.

Then she spent hours in KPQ leveling me, and we added each other to our buddy lists at the end of it, I think... with the promise that we’d meet up in the future to level together. I saw her again not too long later, and we talked, and I probably asked her a question or something. And she gave me advice for something or another. And it wasn’t just one time, but I’d ask her many questions, and she’d always have an answer for me. She was kind of like an upperclassman, who I could turn to and rely on if I ever needed anything. So that’s why she was my senpai.

At this time, I think I got really attached to her. As in, I suppose infatuated? Like, to the person behind the character sprite. She was helpful, kind, knowledgeable, and patient.

When she first left me for no apparent reason, I was emotionally crushed. And as I said at the time, there was no reason why I should’ve felt that way for someone who I’d only known for maybe tens of hours online, and without even knowing anything about them (like, all our conversations at that point had been only related to the game).

She came back the next day, and she... thought nothing of her actions at the time, despite my reaction the day before. Despite how she had to have known how I felt. But I brushed it off because I was just so glad she came back. Now by this point, I look back to the me of 4 years ago, and I wonder what was going on through my head, and why I was so attached to her. I think... maybe it’s because I didn’t really have romantic interests at that moment (I still don’t, as of my writing this), and I wanted someone? And I guess I had seen enough anime/manga/novels and stuff where the protagonist just happens to... by coincidence or fate, meet their person on the other end of the red string of fate. Kind of like... Kirito and Asuna, or Weed and Seoyoon. In a game, even.

We spent some time together, doing Maple stuff, and I still didn’t know anything about her. Then she left a second time about a month later, this time cutting me off entirely, and saying that I’d find someone better.

This time I was angry, of course. But... I don’t know. Well, it’s all there in some March 2016 posts. I don’t really want to go into it. But I think I was angry at the time because I felt like... I’d been leashed and my emotions toyed with. She knew just how attached I was to her, and... looking at our conversation at that time, it’s almost like I played right into it, into this drama or play of hers.

Then in September of 2016, she reached out to me on the game’s forum (it has a private messaging system where you can start a conversation with someone, and communicate back and forth) and apologized, telling me how she had to have a surgery. And as a result, she cut out everyone she knew so it wouldn’t hurt. Hence her behavior toward me. I also mentioned this in an earlier post not too far back.

And after she sent that message, I forgave her, and we both logged on and met up. And she told me her story “in person”. And we reconnected. I think... our relationship became a lot better, and it felt more genuine. It definitely felt somewhat different from before. And her opening up about why she had left made me feel... mmm... I guess special? Because I imagined she wouldn’t tell anyone else about that surgery, but me in particular. Maybe I was special to her.

Then the game released a big patch (New Source) and the game became basically unplayable for most of 2017, so we only kind of stayed in touch through the forum’s private messages. But it wasn’t even really “staying in touch”. As you’ll see me mention later throughout this post, that conversation on the forums between us? 80% of the messages are from my end. (I know how this sounds; I’m disgusted with myself too, fucking creep and weird me.)

In 2018, I commissioned the piece of art up there for her birthday in April (it’s the draft, because I don’t want to put up the completed version). She loved it. And... for the rest of the year, she was basically gone. Completely off the radar. That is, didn’t respond to any of the private messages on the forums either. But she came back near the end of the year, and... mmm. It was because she got into a car accident, according to her (hence the MIA). But I mean, I only heard about it once I coincidentally found her online in the game and she told me. I wouldn’t have heard about it otherwise, definitely not through the forums.

But anyway... she would need to have a surgery. So we got married in-game.

...

As I’m writing this and looking back, I’m tearing up. Damn it. Because... ugh. Because it was my dream, and my dream came true.

In my character’s inventory, I always held onto the materials needed for a wedding ring, and the wedding quests, and stuff.

And they were finally going to be of use.

I held onto those items because... I’m not really sure why. Maybe I wanted to be ready for an impossibility? I had always said that I wouldn’t ever marry anyone else in the game except for her, despite guildies wanting to marry me for Onyx Apples (a rare consumable from doing a married-people-only party quest). Up until that point, I was pretty confident that my character would stay single forever. But then she... asked me if I ever thought of getting married. And then I proposed to her. And she said yes.

So we got married.

I guess I felt insecure after the two times she left me. I’m a horrible, insecure person, but I always had a fear that one day, she wouldn’t want to meet me or associate with me in-game anymore. Idk. Or worse, that maybe she’d pick up someone else and be their... senpai, for lack of a better word. Someone to replace me.

So us getting married... made it official. Made me someone who’d be bound to her. And that was, and still is, the highlight of all the time I’ve spent in that game.

It was cute, honestly. We had to meet one of the NPCs, called “Mom and Dad”, to get their permission. Well, she had to, specifically. So she asked me if I was ready to meet her parents. And once we got there, she even jokingly said, “Oh no, they don’t trust us.” And... it was really cute. And sweet.

And then she disappeared after that.

In 2019, she was also... MIA throughout most of it. Meaning, I probably saw her, at most, several tens of hours the entire year. The only method I had of reaching her was through the forum’s private messaging, of course. In the latter half of the year, we met up... kind of on-and-off and fought bosses. That was basically the year for us summed up, and there wasn’t any real progress or communication. Of course, also basically no replies in the private messages.

In 2020, I’d like to think it was an improvement. When I saw her again in February, I tried to talk to her about things not related to the game, and learn more about her as a person. I asked her about her favorite songs, or if she liked Harry Potter (because I’d like to take her to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter one day); she did, of course. And... I tried. I mean, I really, really did. To get to know her better, I mean.

I essentially confessed, and told her she made my experience on MapleRoyals what it was. That she was my raison d'être, and the only reason why I logged on. I asked her if she used Discord, or Skype, or anything, and she said no to everything. And she said that... she preferred to be in contact through the forum’s private messaging system. Which... has been bad, to say the least. Most of it is just me... messaging and... not getting any response.

And at the end of it all, to my essentially-a-confession... she asked me if I wanted to re-attempt a boss fight. And she told me she had to go afterwards.

...

And anyway, the last time I heard from her, it was some time in March this year. She told me she’d be busy with a project, and that she’d be back some time in May or June.

And that’s been... it. Despite my using the forum private messages, I haven’t heard from her since.

I’m reading this post over again before I submit it, and... I admit. I sound crazy. I sound fucking creepy. I sound insane. I sound delusional. I’m admitting it. I sound creepy, and delusional, and crazy, and insane.

But it’s hard to really... describe how many hours we’ve spent together in-game. I can confidently say it’d number in the hundreds of hours together. Most of it was us just grinding mobs, or fighting bosses, and very little of it was us actually talking (again, only recently in the beginning of 2020 did I make headway and talk to her about non-game stuff). But... I’d like to think there was some meaning to all those hours we spent together. And I’d like to think that I meant something to her. Because... after all, why else would you spend so many hours with someone, over the course of 4 years, in this crazy, stupid roller coaster ride right? 

I don’t know who she is behind that character sprite, behind the screen. I don’t know much about her at all, aside from her name, her favorite song, and whether or not she likes Harry Potter. And some other things (kinda more personal I guess).

But goddamn it. I was, and still am, in love with whoever is behind that character. And... maybe when I confessed, I wasn’t clear enough, despite... how clear I think I was?

Because how do you become any more clear without sounding like a creep making unwanted advances? You can’t. I also... at the time, wanted to keep what we had between us (whatever you can call everything I described above) than risk losing her, and losing everything. That thought absolutely terrified me.

And now, I don’t know what she thinks of me. And as a result, here we are, and here I am.

Over half a year later and nothing from her. I don’t know what she’s doing. I don’t know if she’s okay. I don’t know... well, anything about her really. It just... fucking sucks, when I feel like... all that time we spent together has meant so much to me. And on the other hand, maybe it’s meant not much, or nothing, to her. Otherwise, wouldn’t she have checked her private messages and responded? At least once?

God fucking damn it. I know this is the case. But I still miss her. And... I’m still in love with her.

I’m fucking scum. Aren’t I fucking disgusting.

[runadamsrun]

I was thinking of using some really cool, inspirational quote for this post. Something like... oh idk, “Teaching is the most noble profession.” Some bullshit like that. 

But I don’t really feel like using that one. Or anything like it. Because all those quotes are so... optimistic and inspiring and idealistic. And I don’t feel that way at all. If anything, my PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual/spatial) tanks are pretty much fucking empty. Like, if you imagine each of those dimensions as an oil-tank-like thing, yeah. They’re all at or near the bottom. 

See, where I grew up and when I was in school, it was different. I spoke with a high school friend and it turns out our high school was actually a Title I school. I was surprised, and it didn’t feel that way though, but maybe that’s because I was tracked. That is, I was in this honors program called F.A.C.T. (Freshman Advanced Curriculum Team) from the very start of high school, with about maybe 25-35 other classmates whom (tell me I got this right and it’s not “who” T_T) I stuck with for the next four years. We all took honors and AP classes together, and like, most of us ended senior year in AP Lit and AP Calc BC together. That kind of thing.

They say that the best teachers are the ones who know what it was like to be the... well, not-best student. I can’t remember the exact quote, but the idea’s that if you weren’t the best student, you probably had issues or problems with authority or your teachers or something. Or like maybe you weren’t super motivated because of, idk, life outside affecting your learning because of that Maslow’s bullshit. Or maybe you had teachers who couldn’t explain or teach for shit so you couldn’t access the content. And as a result, when you finally are a teacher (who the hell knows why you decided on this though), you know what it was like and you can connect to your students better. Or something like that. It’s sort of like how the best teachers aren’t necessarily the ones who thoroughly know their content area, but the ones who can best explain and pass on that knowledge to their students because they know what their students might struggle with and where exactly (in the lesson). 

I get all of this. I really do. 

But I spent the last two years doing a thing (a job, of course, but I can’t be too specific). And even then, the difference was like night and day, comparing the students with whom I worked (at this job) to the ones at my school where I grew up. Like, I remember in fucking ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (or was it middle school? BUT FUCKING STILL) I was assigned like 30 math problems for homework each night. And when writing essays? Don’t get me started on the page requirements, or the word number requirements, or the rigorous rubric, or the timeline (like maybe a week max before it was due, including research/brainstorm all the way until final draft). But school was rigorous and we did our homework. We weren’t fucking handheld, at least I don’t remember I was (maybe I was too young to remember the stupid kids). You don’t want to get your free education? Go sit in the fucking corner, but don’t take away from others’ education. But now? At least, in that “not-yet-teaching job” for two years, the students basically didn’t even get homework. They had CLASS TIME to do their HOMEWORK. Like, what? We had separate classwork and homework when I was in school! Their homework was also only like, what, 5 problems a night? Their essays were like, what? They had a full day to write the rough drafts for 2 body paragraphs???

Those past two years had some days that really sucked. Some days were just rough and I would think I’d be unable to get through to the students, so I’d sort of give up for that day. Other days we’d have great sessions and I’d feel so much joy and get this massive sense of accomplishment: that the student with whom I was working was so amazing and great. (And at least, with my top favorite students, they all were.) 

But you see, that was in a different capacity. I only had to work with specific “focus students”. As a teacher now, I have to deal with 6x~35 kids. Aka 210 kids. 

There’s a big difference. That not-yet-teaching job was bad? Well, this (full-time teaching) is way worse. 

And... ugh. My second semester just began. And I can’t help but complain because... shit man. It’s so frustrating. I don’t remember school being this bad. I keep thinking maybe it’s just my district and population, but I go on /r/Teachers and like, wow it seems every teacher nationwide is having problems. 

What the hell is happening to this country? Why isn’t it like fucking Japan where kids actually do their fucking work and learn. I think it’s because our education is free and they take it for granted.

Now kids have their phones and they’re on them all the time. And like, do my kids not know how to throw their trash away? Because do I really have to tell them, “No, pick up after yourselves. That chip bag does not go on the floor nor does it go in the sink.” They’re sophomores for fuck’s sake. 

Yes yes yes, I hear all of you. Whenever I’m anywhere, yes I hear about all the trauma, and the Maslow’s bullshit, and the classic “you don’t need to worry about classroom management if your lesson is engaging enough”. Like, what the fuck? So I’m supposed to be a circus clown so they can learn what they need to know? Hell no. When I was in school, my teachers lectured for 50 minutes straight. You know what I did? I sat, listened, took notes, and shut up. 

I... just don’t get it. I’m frustrated. I’m venting. But I sincerely just don’t get it. Why are these monsters so... unappreciative?

And it’s hard to talk about this. All this bullshit about restorative justice and this fucking circlejerk (i.e., hive mind) of fucking liberal snowflakes that keeps anyone from ever being able to talk about any of this. “It’s not the students’ fault. IEPs... full inclusion... etc. etc.” Ugh ugh ugh. And so what, now we have to tax every single teacher’s sanity? Is that why the U.S. has such a high teacher turnover rate and shortage? BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING SHIT. 

I signed up to teach. Because I genuinely thought I would be teaching and they’d be learning. But half the time I’m babysitting. I get it, they’re high schoolers. But some of them just have no business being in school. I don’t get why we’re so... ugh. Pandering.

...

I’m surprised the teacher suicide rate is so low.

[runadamsrun]

In my last post, almost 3 years ago, I talked about my senpai and "Great Truths". And I had mentioned this little mini-story in The Dragon’s Lair, by Elizabeth Haydon, that I think I summarized quite well without butchering it up too much. And anyway, this post is going to fulfill that promise I made then:

One day, when I get my hands on The Dragon’s Lair again, I’ll type out the mini-story that Scarnag told Ven on my Tumblr here. And I’ll link back to this post.

In between then and now, a lot of things have happened between me and my senpai. And I still stand by my belief that it’s “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” A really cool guy named Lord Alfred Tennyson said that. (I believe I mentioned this on one of my past Tumblr posts as well.)

I’m still affected by my Great Truth being betrayed way back then. Even now, I unfortunately, and so sadly, still have all these doubts all the time when I talk to her. And I want to, but can’t, take things at face-value. I’m always questioning and wondering what’s really going on through her head, if she has any other motives, and it’s just so hard to trust her.

Because she came back, and we’ve done a lot together. Like, a lot. And I’ve opened up a lot to her. But still... I don’t see her doing the same for me. And I put in so much effort and work into this relationship(?) friendship (probably a more apt term considering how things are) and I sort of don’t feel the same coming from her.

See, the thing is, and it’s so apparent and obvious, that relationships only work or last if both parties put in effort and work, and the same amount at that. (Something my Munchkin guild leader once told me.) That isn’t happening here, and I honestly think I’ve known this for a while now. I feel like I’ve tried bringing this up to her multiple times, but she either flat-out ignores it or changes the subject. And it’s never been addressed. And it just really, really sucks to see that happening and know that I’m still going to stick with it.

Because I don’t want to call it love. Maybe it is. Because this idea, after all, applies specifically to love. But it’s that love’s a bitch. It’s so, so, so stupid. Because it’s something that can make you do everything and anything for someone, especially things that you normally wouldn’t do. Feelings in general are irrational, but love takes the cake when it comes to how stupid or out-of-character people (myself included) will be when it comes to it.

And the worst thing is? I know this. I know for a fact that this whole somethingship isn’t good for me. Maybe it’s toxic or something. But I know that I’m still going to partake of this luscious, poisonous nectar. Because though it sucks, I know that I’ll do it, the moment she says something. I still do. I still am.

And I don’t want to push things any further, to pursue this topic anymore. Because I’ve had a horrible experience trying to learn more about someone and... I don’t know if that was the cause or not, but I lost them. Despite feeling how I am now, and logically knowing that any alternative would be better, I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to risk whatever this somethingship is for something potentially better, or losing her forever. And knowing her, the odds seem stacked against me, and the latter will probably happen. *knock on wood* And like Tennyson said, I’d rather keep at this and just see where it takes me, for better or for worse, because at least I'll have these memories. But damn, anything else would be better. 

And I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, knowing and considering that, hey, maybe it’s her personality and she’s shy and she doesn’t really want to talk about herself. And that’s fine. But I’ve bent over backwards like... literally trying to ask her what she’s doing this summer, or how she’s feeling, or just literally any conversational starter. I’m emptying out my own cup like crazy and it’s not getting filled back up and it just really, really, really sucks.

And ugh...

I’m still okay with this.

[runadamsrun]

Senpai and Great Truths

I know that I said I would stop posting MapleRoyals-related posts (I mean, stopping my MapleRoyals posts was never meant to be permanent, but it's still a bit soon to resume after I just began posting Elona content), but I'll make an exception this time.

So my senpai recently contacted me through the messaging system on MapleRoyals' forum. And... she explained to me her circumstances that supposedly led to her treating me the way she did, as I had partially detailed sort-of in my previous, and way-earlier, MapleRoyals posts.

To me it's a private conversation between us (same reason I blacked out a lot of the things we said to each other in the other posts), but the gist of it is that...

It's like from an anime. And because of certain circumstances, it supposedly wasn't guaranteed she'd be okay afterwards. So she wanted to push everyone she knew away from her. So that they wouldn't be hurt in case something happened to her.

Exactly like from an anime.

And I mean, she expressed regret to me and everything. That she treated me that way. And other stuff.

To be honest, I don't know what to entirely think of all of this. I typed out a story to her that I had read from one of the books in my favorite book series of all time: The Lost Journals of Ven Polypheme. In particular, I had read this mini-story from the third book of the series: The Dragon's Lair. And pardon me for butchering the story (because I most likely will, but at least I'll give you the gist of it).

So in book, there's this dragon named Ganrax. And Ganrax believed in a "Great Truth". A Great Truth is something you never doubt. Something that you are so accustomed and used to, you will never ever question it. And you completely believe in it. For example, 1+1=2. Or, what goes up must fall down. Y'know, like that stuff. In the story, "another" (*ahem*) dragon named Scarnag gave an example of a Great Truth so our protagonist (surprise surprise, Ven Polypheme) could understand the concept. (As Scarnag was telling Ven the mini-story of how Ganrax's Great Truth was betrayed.) So as Scarnag told Ven, one Great Truth for all of us is the sun's rising. We believe, and we know, that the sun will rise the next day. And then it'll set, but it'll rise again. And we are so sure of this, we never ever question it or wonder otherwise. That is a Great Truth. Something you hold to be so true... it's like, it's the one thing you can count on. "The sun will rise the next day. There is no question about it. And there's no need to wonder, because there's no doubt it will."

But... imagine one day the sun doesn't rise the next day.

... It doesn't rise.

I mean, sure it might rise the day after that. But because it didn't rise that one day, what happens then? Especially because it was a "Great Truth" to you. Wouldn't one's world be completely turned upside-down? Because the sun didn't rise one day, would one still take it for granted that the sun will rise daily? The trust is no longer there. What happens then? Well, one will always wonder, from that moment on, if the sun will rise the next day. And then the day after. And every day thereafter. All because of one day the sun didn't rise. That's a Great Truth. And it was betrayed.

I went completely off-topic. But Scarnag gave Ven that example of a Great Truth being betrayed. Something like that happened to Ganrax, where his Great Truth was betrayed. And it was a pretty big mistake those traitors made, but that's a story for another time. (Never, actually.)

So I have a flair for the dramatic. Maybe, I'll admit. But when senpai... left, to be honest, I didn't want to trust anyone again (at least in the game). But then I opened up to Emily, and... that happened. Fool me twice, shame on me...

So I don't know. That's why I said I don't know. I'm completely biased when it comes to senpai. And yet... something like this already happened to me. Twice. Even though she seemed so sincere, maybe... I don't know.

Maybe I sound paranoid, but it's probably because I'm jaded. Could this be simply for another project? I found some inconsistencies when I was reading what she said, but maybe it's because I myself am purposely looking for mistakes in what she was saying.

Maybe I should give her another chance, and that's what I told her. I told her it's not too late for us to start anew.

But what if I get betrayed again? What will happen to me then?

There's a lot of doubt in my heart. But I trust her. So we'll see.

I did miss senpai a lot though. So welcome back. I’m glad you’re alright.

=====

One day, when I get my hands on The Dragon’s Lair again, I’ll type out the mini-story that Scarnag told Ven on my Tumblr here. And I’ll link back to this post.

[runadamsrun]

This is a music track dedicated to vanilla Elona, since I won’t be playing it any longer (as I mentioned in my previous post). I don’t see myself, at least any time soon in the future, going back to vanilla Elona, seeing as how there’s so much content and so much to do in Elona+ (and by extension, Elona Custom) that I won’t be finished for a very, very long time (if ever).

So this is the BGM you hear by default in your home when you start out in the beggar’s cave in vanilla Elona (the beggar being the previous resident RIP). It helps that this is also my favorite music track from Elona so far (including both vanilla and E+). It’s a shame, though, that Elona+ and Elona Custom have another music track for the home instead.

[runadamsrun]

Mmm. A lot of things have been happening and changing.

I'll just list them out in numerical format because it's much easier and... I guess it'll be more organized than me posting in walls of text like I always do.

1) I went back to Elona full-time. But not vanilla Elona. Not Elona+ either. I'm playing Elona Custom. And I'm happy about my decision. 

2) On that note, I'm retiring Gymick (who I didn't touch since I picked up Churtuen), Sasony (who I really never played anyway, and "never" as in I only spent like 30 minutes total on her), and Churtuen. I did play a lot more hours on Churtuen since my last #elona post about how it might go on Steam, and I cleared both the Dragon's Nest and Tower of Fire. But a lot of people on #elona (as in the channel on the Rizon IRC network) have been persuading me to move on to Elona+, or even Elona Custom, which I finally did (as you can see above in the pictures). 

3) My new main character is Ivretta. On Elona Custom 1.61.1 (And I currently, as of this post’s writing, have played ~54.5 hours on him.)

4) I'm still watching anime, but I will post all of my anime reviews on another blog. This is just so it’s more organized. I’ll have one entire blog dedicated to anime-y stuff, and one dedicated to my Elona adventures and... maybe other random stuff? But yeah.

=====

So some obligatory background information. As I mentioned in the past, there's vanilla Elona, which is the original game by Noa. I've been more active on #elona (again, as in the channel) and I've gotten some things cleared up. Maybe it wasn't a typo and Elona really might go on Steam, but as far as I know, it's Elin (the new game Noa's been working on) that's going to go on Steam.

Elona+ is the original Elona's successor. Since Noa stopped development on Elona, Ano picked it up and began working on Elona, which became known as Elona+. There were lots of fixes, buffs, and nerfs to much of the game (and by "much", I mean almost everything). The early game was made much easier (hah, and the definition of "early game" in Elona is Act I in North Tyris, which ends with Zeome's defeat, which takes so many hours already to actually do). But it's been made easier because most of the fun and new content (quests, stories, maps, monsters, features) appear in Act 2 in South Tyris.

Elona Custom... well, it's an improvement upon Elona+. It's not like Elona+ where it branched off of Elona and became its own thing. Rather, there's this person named AnnaBanana (like Anna + Banana) on the Elona Wikia who created Elona Custom, where it translates a lot of content from Elona+ that was in Japanese, primarily referring to the latter continents (since North Tyris itself is pretty much finished, as it was in vanilla Elona). In addition, there are added cutscenes which really add to the overarching story of Elona and the world of Irva. And finally, there are a lot of tweaks added to the game so it can be customized to one's liking, and these QoL (quality of life) additions/changes really, really just simply improve the game and make it vastly more enjoyable. It follows behind every Elona+ update, and it's cross-compatible with Elona+ (so you can move your saves from the same or lower versions of Elona+ to Elona Custom without issue, and from Elona Custom to the same or higher versions of Elona+).

=====

So back to my pictures. 

So during character creation, you can reroll your attributes as many times as you want. You can also "lock" in two of your attributes so they don't reroll anymore. I locked in the maximal values I could get for Learning and Charisma for my race/class combination. Learning because that affects bonus point gains per level (though really, my starting Learning stat and the possible maximal versus minimal value is nothing compared to the amount of Learning that I'd need to actually get more bonus points per level at increasing levels and attributes). But still. I wanted it as high as possible even knowing that fact. ... For some reason. I don’t know why. As for Charisma... I've found that to be my hardest stat to raise and it affects how many pets I get, and... well... I wanted it as high as possible. That's poor reasoning, since you already get the little girl guaranteed and by the time you start worrying about little sisters for the Little sister quest, you'll probably have more than enough Charisma (since you'd need to be able to kill the massive, relatively strong Big daddies). 

As for the rest of my attributes, I wanted them to be as low as possible. Because in Elona+, there's the concept of AP, and your AP gains are affected by your INI (two specific initial values that were determined when the character was generated and that will never change throughout the game, even as the character gets stronger, faster through AP, or changes equips). Even though your AP gains are primarily determined by your Speed INI (aka your speed at time of creation), the Attribute INI (basically the sum of your initial 8 attributes and some other stats and math calculations) still plays a role. Somewhat. And even if this will help a small amount in the long-term, it's still way more valuable imo than initially high attributes which I can easily raise up quickly early on because of high potentials. So yeah! I just rerolled as much as I could to get as many of my attributes as low as possible. And then... I began my new journey.

I don’t like setting a name during character creation. Rather, I prefer to have the game randomize a fantasy-ish name for me (which was how I got the past names of Nerobelt, Gymick, Churtuen, etc.). When I found out that my name was Ivretta... I was initially surprised and disappointed (lol). Because it was so feminine. But the name has grown a lot on me since, and it's my current favorite name out of all of my characters' names so far. 

So... Ivretta, the Goblin Warmage in Elona Custom 1.61.1

[runadamsrun]

Oops. It's actually been a while since I last posted anything non-gamey. Like, not related to Elona or MapleRoyals (MapleStory). Or, as of late, anime.

But I guess I'll bring out some pictures that have been on my phone. This particular picture I took 10 days ago (August 8th). What do you think when you see this... calcium carbonate deposit(?). (I think that's what the white stuff is.) Most people wouldn't see anything but a random mark. But I see... stuff. Or things.

Anyway, idk. Sometimes, looking at something completely random, I see something else. Y'know, like you would in a Rorschach test. It usually comes down to my perspective, where I believe a lot of the things I see are affected by my personal experiences. And yeah! For this one, I was brushing my teeth when I looked at the drain stopper thing that prevents water from draining down the sink.

And I saw a dragon.

I pointed this out to my family, and because they didn't see it (and it was my first time sharing one of my perspective things with anyone), I realized I might as well add an edited version of each picture (thanks Microsoft Paint) to help explain what I see.

So yeah! Dragon. In mid-flight. With wings downward at the moment.

I also plan on adding another post where I have edited versions (with Microsoft Paint) of all of my previous #perspective tagged posts’ pictures.

[runadamsrun]

Dance in the Vampire Bund (anime) Review

So I think I'll begin by talking about the anime adaption of, not one of my favorite manga of all time, but my definitively favorite manga of all time: Dance in the Vampire Bund. Of course, there'll be a bunch of spoilers and my crazy subjective opinions and stuff, so beware.

The anime is, summed up in one sentence, about the relationship and romance between a male werewolf (Akira Kaburagi) and female vampire (Mina Tepes).

So there’s the initially-amnesiac male protagonist Akira. And the blonde loli (at times) Mina. There’s also the sort-of-annoying (imo) Yuki. I don't mean to hate on her, and she does become more likable later on (moreso in the manga), but... she's not that great to me in the anime. She’s like a cockblocker and never has the opportunity to redeem herself and become more useful/likable. (She can do this in the manga because it’s longer of course.) She does have a decent role though. In narrating Akira and Mina's love story. ... Poor Yuki (not really though).

There’s also an anime-only character, Mei Ren, but I’ll talk more about her later.

The beginning already begins differently from the source manga. There’s a Japanese game show called “Astraea’s Scales”. (Or is it “The Scales of Astraea"? I’m picking the other one, “Astraea’s Scales”, because as my freshman-year Honors English teacher told me, “economy of language”. “Don’t use 5 words to describe something when you could with 3.” Or something along those lines.) Anyway, so there’s a discussion about whether or not vampires are real. They’re treated similarly to how we treat them: as hot fantasy beings and stuff. This is especially apparent with some of the contestants’ jokes and remarks and how unseriously the vampire attacks are being taken, with mostly everyone a non-believer (like us irl).

Not surprisingly, when it came to having the audience participate and provide their input, who else but Mina would be picked? And similarly, when outsiders were interviewed, Akira was (coincidentially!) picked. Despite the unlikelihood of this, I can’t really complain. I’ve come to expect this, at the very least, from anime. Only in anime is the impossible completely possible, where 1% = 100% and miracles really do happen.

So basically it turns out the attacks were caused by one of the participants on the show: Seiichi Hirai (the actor who’ll play the role of the vampire in the upcoming movie Bloody Waltz). And the “good” vampires lured him out by bringing out his detached arm, which he got back with the use of a... mechanical arm thing where he can shoot out the tips of his fingers like a grappling hook from a (grappling) gun. And anyway, this reveals the existence of vampires to the world.

One particularly cool thing I noticed was after Seiichi transformed into his true vampire form: some ugly chameleon thing. He jumped onto the scales prop on the show (which show what the participants think about whether or not the subject of discussion is true or false, with their opinions represented by giant ball things). He jumped onto the “Truth” side, completely upsetting the scales’ balance, meaning that vampires are real. Obviously also now known to the world with his transformation. Good job Shaft.

The rest of the anime was pretty similar to the manga though. It covered parts like: 1) the attempted assassination of Mina by a reporter at a conference, 2) the kidnapping of the prime minister's grandson (and the subsequent breakdown of Akira and Mina’s relationship because of the damn former’s growing distrust of the latter), 3) the duel between Akira and Mina in the church after everyone's barricaded in there because of the infiltration of the school by vampires, and 4) Hysterica's kamikaze vampire underlings. That's about it until the last three episodes.

In the last three episodes, there’s basically a bet where the Three Clan’s leaders (think of the Three Clans as being vampire super-nobility, second only to Mina) send assassins after Akira, where whoever’s assassin kills Akira gets to marry Mina. And there’s a fourth assassin, who’s revealed to be Mei Ren.

The anime ends all romantically and cutely, in my opinion. And it would have pleased any Akira x Mina shipper, with how they made their "vows" to each other and then danced at the end. 

So the anime’s plot was pretty true to its source manga. Adapting several of the manga’s beginning arcs and ending the anime in the most conclusive way it could, I’ll give it credit for that. It, however, probably shouldn’t have brought up the fake Mina part because that only made everything confusing and left a glaring, unexplained and unaddressed plot point.

So back to Mei Ren, who I had previously said I would talk more about later (aka now). Mei Ren is an anime-only character who is to fake Mina what Akira is to real Mina. (Don’t worry about the “fake Mina” part. Her existence and everything is rather confusing from just what the anime tells you until you actually read the manga, which I highly recommend and I suggest you do anyway. Since it’s so great.)

But yeah. I thought she was going to be Akira’s potential romantic interest or best friend, but then it turns out she was with fake Mina all along (remember I hadn’t read the manga yet when I first watched the anime if you refer to my history post). Though, as a note (and for future reference), with manga/anime/novels, I almost always only have one best girl. Like in Oreimo, it'd be Kirino. Or in Tate no Yuusha, it's Atlas. Or... in Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei, it's Miyuki (duh). And in Toradora, it’s Taiga... And it’s C.C. in Code Geass. Y'know, so I almost always have only one best girl. There are other good follow-ups, sure, but I usually prefer that the protagonist stick with one girl and get in a relationship with her. And I ship them a lot. But this doesn't always happen, unfortunately. So yeah. Mei Ren. After finishing the manga and rewatching the anime several more times, one of those times being fairly recent (actually after I began watching anime again after reading the Legendary Moonlight Sculptor), meh. I don't care too much for her anymore. She was like, a friend who got him out of some pinches. And her fighting for her own princess was a great reason too (as great a reason as Akira fighting for his Mina). But she was only there, I guess, so there could be a Dragon in this anime that’s a massively shortened adaption of the much-better manga.

Mmm. I really liked the sounds (by which I'm referring to the OP and ED). Remember how I mentioned that the OP's catchiness was what got me to start watching Dance in the Vampire Bund? Well, yeah. The OP, “Friends”, is in my opinion pretty damn catchy. And I guess Mina was pretty good-looking (for lack of a better way to put it) in it. Phrasing it any other way would sound really, really bad. So I won’t say it, but she looked cool, yep. In the ED, “Tsumeato”, oh. The symbolic red string of fate that represents their true love. <3 I really loved that part. (And this is just further proof of why Akira x Mina is the true OTP. And on that note, if you read the manga, their relationship is further built upon. I really, really ship them. Their relationship is one of the ones I ship the most out of all manga/anime/novels I’ve read/watched.) But back to the ED, it was also pretty good. Not as good as some of my top OPs and EDs, but nonetheless good. (Like, I’d listen to the songs on my playlist if they came up and I wouldn’t skip them.)

The story's great. I liked the plot, about building this community for vampires and how the damn humans keep getting in their way. Jk (about the "damn humans" part). The humans do get in their way though. And then there are these other more radical vampires who want to dominate the humans instead of living side-by-side in a mutually-beneficial relationship. And the Three Clans are there too, though this isn't addressed as much as it is in the manga. The anime’s pretty episodic. I mean, there is an overarching plot, which is Mina’s goal of establishing the Vampire Bund, but it’s just about obstacles that get in Akira’s and Mina’s way in the anime. (In the manga, the scope of the story grows and it includes a lot more.) 

Characters... I don't care what people say. I'm biased af. And I think Akira and Mina make the best characters ever. Their love is just too true and too good. True love. <3 Art... I really liked it too. Like, I think that refers to animation? Look at this and tell me the art isn't great.

It’s not as HD as I’d like, but yeah. :( Hope it gets the point across. Watch episode 7 if you want to know what I’m talking about. Watch their battle and its great, and romantic, resolution.

So yeah! Overall, lots of stuff was changed from the manga, but I still ship Akira x Mina (again, their relationship is one of the top ones I ship out of every relationship I've seen thus far in manga/anime/novels). Maybe the anime really isn't all that great (at least anime-wise, and especially when compared to other 9/10s), and technically, it's more 8/10 than 9/10, but it gets +0.5 for holding a special place in my heart so that at least on MAL, it's rounded up to a 9/10 from 8.5/10. (By the way, the manga would get like an 11/10.)

And finally, there's also this mini-story that's told (by the narrating Yuki) in parallel to the story of Akira and Mina: the story of the queen of the monsters and a boy. Until the very end of the anime, according to FUNimation’s translations, we never hear about what the boy saw, or what happened to him, or what the ruler’s wish was.

“One day, a boy asked the great ruler of the monsters... ‘You always scowl at the world with such a sad look. Are you always going to be that way?’ The ruler replied, ‘If you promise to grant my wish, I will stop being sad. But, if you break your promise, I may devour you.’” (Episode 5.)

“After making his promise to the ruler of the monsters, the boy always remained by her side. The people gossiped. ‘He’s been possessed. It’s his turn to be eaten next.’ The boy didn’t believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. What bothered him was the top of the tower. The ruler sometimes holed up there, even staying away from the boy. The boy mustered up the courage to open the door to the ruler’s room. What he saw inside was...” (Episode 6.)

“‘But if you break your promise, I may devour you. Will you still promise, despite that?’ ‘I promise,’ the boy said, with a strong nod. ‘In that case, my wish is...’” (Episode 7.)

And at the endings of certain points in the story, Yuki narrated a certain lines at the end of those episodes. In episodes 2, 7, and 12 respectively.  

“A tale of the great ruler of monsters, the boy who gave his all to her, and their beautiful, fleeting love.” (End of episode 2.)

“A small tale of the lonely ruler of monsters, the boy who gave his all to her, and their love.” (End of episode 7.)

“The boy promised the ruler of monsters they would always be together, and she in turn swore to him that she would always be by his side. And that pledge would remain unbroken... for the rest of their story. It was the story of a pledge. A tale of the great ruler of monsters, the boy who gave his all to her, and the eternal bond they shared.” (End of episode 12.)

In episode 2, it was when Akira regained most of his memories, transformed into a werewolf, and howled while carrying Mina in the skies.

In episode 7, it was after repelling the vampire invaders (who infiltrated the schools), making up with each other and regaining each other's trust, and Mina successfully establishing the Vampire Bund.

And in episode 12, well, it was when Mina vowed to stay with Akira forever (after he beat the assassins).

Definitely a great adaption of my #1 favorite manga of all time. Mina best girl. And Akira... great male protagonist (he's my picture for MAL, so you know haha). I’d rate this anime a 9/10. Because it’s the adaption of my #1 favorite manga of all time. 

Dance in the Vampire Bund is as much my #1 manga as Katanagatari is my #1 anime, but possibly even moreso. You see, there’s a 0.5% chance Katanagatari will be replaced and dropped to #2 on the anime list, but the chance is still there. The chances of Dance in the Vampire Bund getting dropped to #2 and getting replaced on the manga list are 0.0000001%.

That was Akira’s promise to Mina seven years ago. Way, way before the beginning of the story. Before the beginning of the manga/anime. And in the last minutes of the last episode of the anime? With the omission of some irrelevant stuff:

Mina: Akira... That day seven years ago... You gave me my wish... Now it's my turn to hear your wish. Akira: Be by my side, Princess. Always stay by my side, until I give my last breath... Mina: Are you sure? I might not be the only ruler out there. [Referring to the existence of the fake Mina and the possibility of yet other Minas.] Akira: For me, you're the only princess there is. Mina: In that case, I swear to you here and now that until either you or I pass on, my life will always be with you. This might only be a mere moment amid an eternity, but this pledge will last forever. Damn Yuki narration: The boy promised the ruler of monsters they would always be together, and she in turn swore to him that she would always be by his side. And that pledge would remain unbroken... for the rest of their story. It was the story of a pledge. A tale of the great ruler of monsters, the boy who gave his all to her, and the eternal bond they shared.

Mina. Best. Girl.

[runadamsrun]

My history of manga/anime, and eventually, web/light novels

Looking back at one of my really, really old Tumblr drafts, it seems that I began reading manga some time in the August of 2013. (So I clicked the top-right of the draft, where it shows that page-corner-folding thing.)

Before I begin on my anime reviews, I think I'd like to clarify something (or maybe it's some things). I'll see which one it is as I type this out. Probably the latter though (as in, I'll probably have to clarify multiple things).

So even though my future Japanese-stuff-related posts will be tagged as #anime, I'll also write some of my reviews and stuff on web/light novels that I've finished. They'll all still be tagged as #anime though, so you can search there via http://runadamsrun.tumblr.com/tagged/anime. And though this won't be listed in my Tumblr description/intro thing (that area where I say my name and class), each anime/novel review will have a tag of its title. So, say, my review on Tate no Yuusha will also have the tag #tatenoyuusha. Or... Katanagatari will have #katangatari. And Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso will have #shigatsuwakiminouso. I think. Something along those lines. Well, good luck finding them if I simplify one and it become like #shigatsu or something. But to address this, I'll create a section on my MAL profile where I list all reviews I've written and the direct links to them, so yeah!

Anyway, so before I actually start on any reviews, I have to bring up some history. So I created a draft (yeah, that one I talked about in my first paragraph up there) years ago (in 2013) when I decided that I should at least remember when I was first exposed to anime/manga. (Pictures #1-2.)

I wrote it around the December of 2013. But I had started reading manga several months before then: during the summer after I graduated from high school and before I went to college. So in the August of 2013. That summer... I remember reading a certain manga. The best manga I have ever, and will, read: Dance in the Vampire Bund. I started reading this manga after I had watched the anime some time near the end of my senior year (so technically, I began anime/manga before summer started). Though I only watched like 3 anime, and I didn't really appreciate them. I don't know exactly what brought anime to my attention, but I remember doing one of my AP Literature assignments (Mr. Hamamoto's video projects) and watching Densetsu no Yuusha no Densetsu. But I stopped the anime like halfway. Despite this though, I really liked the song, so I found "OP Lament" on Youtube. And on the sidebar (where there'd be suggested, related videos), I saw a video of a blonde loli. (Picture #3.) No shame, but that was what got my attention. The picture of Mina.

By the way, it should have looked something like that (what you see in picture #3). Those are the two exact videos I’m talking about, but I basically just pasted a picture of the Dance in the Vampire Bund OP video onto my screenshot of Densetsu no Yuusha no Densetsu's OP video.

So I was interested, tabbed it, and then heard Dance in the Vampire Bund's OP. And... well, I really liked the song, I watched the anime, really liked the anime (and actually finished it), and then I moved onto Tasogare Otome x Amnesia. And after that, I stopped with all Japanesey things for a while until I started reading the manga (in August). For no apparent reason really, as far as I can recall. Maybe I was bored and wanted something to read. Who knows the thoughts of me from three years ago.

So then I finished the manga during the summer. And... to this day, I still remember how much I liked it then. And still like it even now. And it's such a damn shame the series got axed, because... I love the Dance in the Vampire Bund series so much (Akira x Mina please). And it’s still my #1 manga. So then I read other manga, several of which are on the top of my list today (though it should be mentioned that I haven't read a lot of manga, actually). Like, Watashi no Messiah-sama, Kurohime, Tasogare Otome x Amnesia (the manga, not the anime). Those make up my top 4, though some others like Superior and Psyren were pretty good too and deserve mention.

Anyway, and around when I started freshman year in college, I remember starting a list of like, around 200 manga to read. I went on TV Tropes and looked for manga, and if the synopsis interested me, I'd add it to my list on my Yahoo email (and I still have the list to this day). I never got around to reading even a single one of them though.

And I dropped anime/manga entirely for the next year or so.

Around probably my spring quarter in sophomore year, my brother began reading novels. Web/light novels. Translated ones. Specifically, he read ones of the Wuxia genre (and probably Xianxia too). And he suggested that I read one novel, so I started out with... the Legendary Moonlight Sculptor, as per his suggestion by the way. (I give credit where it’s due.) I remember pulling all-nighters, even during midterms week, to read the novel. It was that good when I read it, and it is still pretty damn entertaining. Then I moved onto other similar ones, and later, I began reading even more novels of all types. And while I have a list of web/light novels that I've read, the list and my ratings aren't as well-defined as what I have for anime I've watched.

And anyway, I remember reading one novel in particular... The New Gate. And... well, that's a post for another time, when I review The New Gate.

So while I began devouring novels like crazy, I also started watching anime. And... that's how things came to be. So yeah! And I'll look to have a review posted up soon. Hopefully.

[runadamsrun]

It’s been a while since my last post on Tumblr.

Well, I don’t play MapleRoyals as much anymore. That might be an understatement though, since I’ve probably been on less than 10 hours total since I finished with spring quarter’s finals. (Well, it’s an understatement considering how much I played a few months ago.) 

It’s a shame. Most of my friends there don’t play anymore, and the guild "Office" is dead (Munchkin 2.0). I guess things really did revolve around Anna. 

I've been playing mostly League. Sort of. But I still suck a lot. Like, I'm probably at a level below Bronze V. It's commonly referred to as the Wood Division, though I prefer Plastic Division (because Plastic is artificial and man-made, which makes it worse imo). I'm Plastic VI pretty much. 

Anyway, and yeah. I've also been playing NetHack. Off-topic, but NetHack is a roguelike game. Games of that genre are like... permadeath dungeon crawlers. They're usually random (like, no preset levels), turn-based, and (with) tile-based (graphics). So yeah. I ascended (won) a game there on the new version 3.6.0. (Picture #1.) My first one, actually, on this new version. There were a lot of changes and primarily nerfs across the board, making it harder than the previous 3.4.3 (which was released over a decade ago). And yeah! It was mainly for participation in Junethack, which is a NetHack summer tournament that runs annually in June. (Pictures #2-3.)

Mmm. Yeah. So another roguelike, sort of, is Elona, though it's a really, really unique one at that. I’ve made some posts in the past about Elona, so you can look at them using the #elona tag (or here).

So just recently, I was on #elona (as in the channel on the Rizon IRC network) when someone told us to check out the Elona site. So I did. (Picture #4.) Background story. So Elona was developed by Noa. Noa worked on Elona (henceforth "vanilla Elona") for a while, and then he stopped. I'm not too sure of what happened, but yeah. So development stopped. Vanilla Elona stayed at version 1.16 forever. Then some other guys picked up Elona and started working on it. This was then called Elona+. And now, Noa's back. And he's going to resume development on vanilla Elona. And there’s a new site. (Picture #5.) And it'll be on Steam, even! So with this, there'll be the return of vanilla Elona (which will now be new Elona since... well, it's the main and resumed one). Of course this'll split up the playerbase, especially since I'm assuming Noa's going to go back to 1.16 and work from there, implementing many players' ideas (and possible ideas from Elona+ as well?). 

Well, anyway, I'm glad. I'm really, really glad. I'm not going to be all like, those Runescape or MapleStory players who are like, "Oh the old Runescape/pre-Big Bang MapleStory was better". But... despite all of the great changes to Elona+ (and trust me, they were really good, seeing as how I played a lot of Elona+ too), I've always remained loyal to vanilla. And I'm glad to see that it's going to see resumed development. 

Off-topic, but I also heard that Noa was working on another game called "Elin"? Looking forward to that too. 

I guess this means that Elona and maybe #elona will see a lot more attention, and since it'll be on Steam, it may grow greatly in popularity and playerbase. But y'know, it was pretty great being one of the few... hundreds (more likely thousands, probably) who knew about and played Elona before it became popular. And who dedicated a lot of time to it. We're like... I don't know. The beta testers maybe (not really applicable since it was already pretty much fully-functional by 1.16 I think, but still). Or... y'know. The select few who played the game. Like... I’m one of the veteran Elona players I guess, haha. I'm happy for Elona though. Since it lasted so long, and now it’s going to shine. 

[runadamsrun]

I’ve actually been working on my anime review post for several days now (I started on Saturday, or May 7th), but it hasn’t been easy. Because it’s my first review and it’s of my favorite anime as well, so. It’ll be a bit longer (aka one or two more weeks probably). I’ve been procrastinating on it as well, so it might take even longer.

Anyway, hmm.

… I was right, y’know.

I always seem to write too soon. Too early. About people I’ve just met or have only known for like a month.

This already happened with senpai, who I looked up to a ridiculous amount despite never having met her or knowing who she really was at all. And I repeated the same mistake again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

- Unknown

This... almost reminds me of KatzTM. A person I met in MapleRoyals way back then. When I afk’d in the Ant Tunnel Park and she needed help getting out. And KatzTM had said she often “wore her heart on her sleeve” and formed relationships all too easily. Nah. This doesn’t just “almost” remind me of her; it does. I’m pretty similar to her in that aspect huh?

Didn’t I say something like this so many posts back when I talked about how the amount of suck/hurt would be proportional to how much you liked/cared about the person? I liked senpai a whole lot, because she was my first mentor in MapleRoyals. And I want to say really good friend too. And... she was really reliable. Helpful. All of those things. And when she left for the second time, yeah. It sucked a whole lot, but I was glad I met her. I still am I suppose. Not to say that I’m masochistic or anything.. haha. But because of the memories and stuff.

But...

Imagine if you met someone. I don’t want to say that I’m averse to using this term, because I’m not, but I’d just rather not use it in this situation.

... But hypothetically, imagine if you met someone. A person who shared so much with you it wasn’t even funny. Someone whose ideals, upbringing, and circumstances were so similar to yours. Someone who you found to be genuinely funny (even if their jokes might seem lame sometimes, like with biology or Calculus references). Someone who you really enjoyed spending time with. Someone who you could just be silent with and it’d be alright. Each doing your own thing, but... not feeling obligated to break the silence (which is, of course, implied to not be awkward).

Now imagine that throughout your entire life, that was the first time you met such a person. Wouldn’t you want to... almost call them a soulmate? Fuck it I used the term. But y’know. Imagine if you really thought you found that person. Or even if not, someone who you could genuinely call your best friend. Because it’d be like... you could catch up with each other on the missed ~18 years or so before you met each other. And say in the future you broke up with someone or had a pretty bad situation. It’d be pretty nice to have that person to lean on, right? To vent to and cry to and stuff (for example).

Now. You met that person. And... say things ended. Just like that. You don’t notice it on any one day in particular, no. But at some point in time, things became different, really subtly, and they culminate in the following days to result in... the lack of anything. As if there was never anything there. As if all of those times never happened.

Now. You had met your soulmate or best friend or whatever. And now it’s over for whatever reason. Or maybe no apparent reason.

... Wouldn’t.. you feel bad? Sad? Depressed? Maybe my situation with senpai was probably me overreacting. I mean, again, I never met her at all. I only knew her through MapleRoyals and all of those Maple-related times. But now it’s someone who you’ve met. Talked to. Seen. Called. Related to. Idk. Someone like:

When you meet someone, you don’t expect them to make an impact on your life. You don’t expect them to replace your best friend and become the only person you trust. You expect them to be a person you just so happened to shake hands with or say hello to. You don’t expect that person to become your entire world.

- fuzyscks

And now it’s over. Would... being depressed then be an overreaction? Or would it be logical?

I don’t mean to be ungrateful; I really don’t. I realize how lucky and privileged I am and all of that, being born here in the U.S. and having a great family and being able to get a good education. I really do, I think. But... in these cases, I almost want to say that good things like this (people-related things) that happen to me almost never last. It sucks y’know. Should I be saying “I knew it. I was right.”? No... I wish so much I was wrong. That someone could just say, “Nah you’re wrong. It’s not like that.”, and then proceed to convince me otherwise.

I don’t want to say that this was a self-fulfilling prophecy or anything. That my doubts basically led me to ruin in this relationship. Because I don’t think they did. I harbored some doubts, sure. But they gradually faded away as I thought that it’d last (but maybe some part of me still knew).

I remember one time I asked: “Do you think this is only possible because the possibility of us meeting is close to nil?”

In other words, according to my question, the only reason why that relationship/friendship between us was working was because we would probably never see each other in real life. But even before that, it was unlikely (then) that we’d ever see each other beyond our MapleStory character avatars. We had so many similarities in our opinions and thoughts, likes, and everything... even humor (at least I thought so then)! And yet we didn’t know, and would probably never know, who the other person really was. Maybe because of that, there was this feeling of... mystique. Fascination. Curiosity. And the other person was so mysterious and unknown. The moment we got to know each other beyond our avatars, it’d dispel those feelings. And we’d just be, to each other, yet another online person or “friend”.

I remember when we were both in the guild Munchkin together. She became my primary reason for logging on. And... seeing her on, we’d proceed to do the most random things. Talk about random things. But it was fun. And I didn’t know her. If she was even a “her”. She had an unknown age, gender, everything. What I knew about her was what she told me. But she was ridiculously similar. And because there was this person who I knew nothing about, and yet was so similar to me, it was like she had this aura. Of... mystery and awe.

It’s sort of like that best friend-roommate phenomenon. Like how even if someone's your friend or best friend, it's best to keep it that way. It's better not to invite them to room or live with you. (I say this though I suspect it wouldn't be such a problem if that person really actually really was your best friend, but anyway, we’ll ignore that for the sake of my argument.)

Because then issues come up. Money and rent, sharing, habits, conflicts, differences in living day-to-day, etc. Those things come up. And they gradually destroy the relationship. Or remove that special feeling you have when you see your friend. Same with couples and how it's not the best idea to immediately move in with your significant other. Especially if you haven't fully committed to each other yet.

See, even if you see each other every day or have sleepovers all the time, those moments are so... enjoyable and special because there’s a “good-bye”. Because they end. And both parties wish that they could have the moment go on forever, they can’t wait for the next time, etc. And the next day, you see them again. But there was that period of separation where there may have been longing and... missing the moments. Imagine seeing that friend 24/7 though. That special feeling disappears.

Like my mom says:

Live far away from each other, legs are sore. Live close to each other, mouth is sore.

- Mom

So I had asked her once if our relationship/friendship was only possible because we would probably never meet. But she said nah.

... And I believed her. Because I was hopeful.

I don’t really know what exactly changed. Maybe it was because I was too serious. And not autistic funny enough. Or maybe it was because I was too shit at League of Legends. Or... maybe it was both.

But at some point, our conversations died. In the past, our Skype chats and calls could last for so long. And we could talk about so much. And truth be told, I was really comfortable. And I trusted her. So I could tell her a lot about things. Like, about my family, for example, that I had never said before. Even to my AB group.

Maybe it’s just me though. Maybe I just saw something there that never really was. So maybe... I’m completely wrong here. ...

This reminds me of something my boss, Anna (or xAnn from MapleRoyals) had said. See, in a relationship, both parties have to give equal amounts of themselves. Or, well, effort. Say one person gives 100% of him/herself or 100% effort into the relationship, while the other person only gives 40%. Then it wouldn’t last. For one, it’s not fair. But I don’t think the 100% person would care about an issue of “fairness” (or lack thereof). I mean, if they cared, they probably wouldn’t be so committed to keeping the relationship lively and going. After all, relationships are also about compromising and understanding. So maybe that person would compensate and give up even more of him/herself or make an even greater effort. But it wouldn’t last. It wouldn’t. Because the 40% person... would probably kill it regardless. Albeit unintentionally. Hopefully.

So my boss told me that. ... She was right. Unsurprisingly.

Whether it was because I was too boring and lame or because I sucked at League of Legends or something... the conversations (like typing-chat) died. .... I definitely understand the stress and business associated with AP exams. After all, I went through those myself. And I also understand that people have varying degrees of... confidence and preparedness for the exams. ... But what am I supposed to think when... well, I type something, and it doesn’t see a reply. Ever. And then the next day’s.... doesn’t. But yet I see chat in a group (which we’re both a part of).

Ahh. I sound socially inept lol. But nah. It’s just that it’s so much easier to deal with and talk to people in real life, and I much prefer things that way. Because then I can just ask them to go out for lunch or a coffee, and we can talk over those. But then we can see each other’s faces, facial expressions, etc. It’s more real and comfortable (for me, at least), is what I guess I’m trying to say.

But I don’t see responses. And it feelsbadman. So I try to not say anything for a day or two. And sometimes I say something on the third day and I see a brief, emoticon-less, formal/robotic response that’s like two sentences. ... And sometimes I express concern, and see... a real response(?). But now I don’t know what to think of those anymore. Because it’s like what senpai said about Valentine’s Day and all of the other shit. Who knows if they’re true or if they were said for the sake of being said.

But I stopped seeing replies. I mean, I had already noticed when the replies became different. But whatever. I just went along with it. And that resulted in this.

It’s been maybe over a month and several weeks since we’ve had a real conversation. But I don’t mind. ... It sucks. And I’m I was really sad. Like pretty damn depressed. I think that other guy I met, Dylan, noticed. But who says what they’re feeling to others. I sure as hell am not going to reveal anymore about myself to anyone after this happened.

But I’m feeling better now. I’m resigned to it. I remember asking Dylan how bad it’d be if, in our circle of four people (technically a square), there was a break between two people. Making it like... a square that’s missing one side.

I asked this a while ago, before things escalated and resulted in this. But I had already known. I already suspected things, and... I fucking knew. I was fucking right.

Well, whatever. It’s like in Katanagatari, where Togame finally confesses and reveals her true feelings to Shichika after she knows that she’s finally trapped (I mean, fatal wound) and has no way out. Now that things are finally like this.... I think I can say the truth.

I really, really did like her. Because during those times, she was a friend. And I want to say she was... .... So, so great.

Ah damn. Typing this up now, I’m finally tearing up at this point lol. I was wondering when it’d hit me. Because as I was typing this.... I couldn’t figure out what to call her. One of the times in the Wolf Spider Cavern, I had told her that I had yet to find an adjective and noun suitable for her. That, for the time being, I would settle with calling her "legit" and "great". Because... those times... she was so legit and great. She really was. And those words didn’t do her a bit of justice, because she was so much more. Eventually, I did figure out what to call her. But I guess I'm glad I didn't figure it out immediately. Because it's so different now. From then. And so now, we’ll both have to settle with just “[was] so, so great”. Nothing more, nothing less. And typing this up, even, I remembered one of our deep talks. Where we talked about (haha) our analysis of language and tone. And the "economy of language" (aka not using more words than necessary to get a certain point across). She's a wordsmith, after all.

But I also really, really did like her. And she was the third person I’ve ever liked (yes, that like-like kind of like). But maybe I didn’t realize it then until recently. And I’m glad too, that I didn’t realize it immediately, because then this would only hurt/suck even more.

... We both like salmon sashimi. She still owes me a joke or moment of humor/funniness that’s so funny that I’d laugh or smile until my cheeks hurt from stretching. When she says she’s making tea, she’s either making cereal or she’s actually this making tea. She really likes avocados and kale (jk about the latter). She eats her hundred-year eggs and avocados incorrectly (jk).

.......... I still haven’t visited Korean Folk Town or Omega Sector in MapleStory. She’s still not a Bishop. So we can’t really go in deeper into the Temple of Time to listen to the other BGMs. And truth be told... I don’t think we’re going to watch that Ghibli movie together. Or Game of Thrones. Or that one K-drama. All over the summer.

But I guess I’m whatever with it now. Because a part of me knew. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I fucking knew it.

I knew that it wouldn’t last. Maybe I buried that feeling when things were working out, but I always suspected it. Because after all, if things did last and if things did work out, then I would be just too lucky. But good things like this never last for me.

This one time, for her birthday, I almost wanted to give her a mug. But I decided to hold off until later. I guess I’m glad that I didn’t give it to her then, but at the same time, I’m sad. Because now I will never get the chance to give it to her, and... it would’ve been so cute.