samanthaannmarie - Tumblr blog

[samanthaannmarie]

I would like to give you a heads up before you begin to read this. It will be fairly long for my first post and i expect it will run off on tangents as i plan to write in train of thought. Also please bear with the second person style. As much as this is a public address I am also writing this to you the one reading it. i hope you stay with me till the end. or should i say my beginning.

Lets start with this with my name; my given name. My name is Joshua. I am in all seriousness strongly considering transitioning form male to female. The purpose of this blog is to help me work through these thoughts and feelings and to hopefully help me arrive at the right choice for myself. I hope it will also stand as a record as to the path I've taken in the hopes of helping others who might walk it with me.

I plan to give you a fair amount of my history so as to give you an idea of where I come from and where I think I'm going. So let me start with before I was born.

I am my mothers oldest child; i was born in September of 1989. the irony of the path I'm on is that I was supposed to be a girl. the doctors told my mom that she was having a girl and she chose the name Samantha Ann-Marie for me, hence the user name. My birth was not a simple one though. i was removed via Caesarian section because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. One might say I've been into rope play since before i was born. (buh dum duh tchsss) That was the easiest part of my first few years though.. I was born with an inguinal hernia that took several operations to repair and an undescended testicle which was tacked in place. The problems these have caused have tortured me my entire life. the greatest of which is that because of the pain the caused me I was sitting up as a newborn because it was the least painful position for me. this caused the over development of the tendons in my back and legs which cause me immeasurable pain to this day. I tell you all this not to elicit pity but to help you understand where i come from and how these events have shaped my choices. You do not know a man until you have walked a day in his shoes and i hope to one day walk a day in heels.

The next big think that happened to me as a child was I almost died again. I was almost two and my mom had me on a greyhound bus and a dog licked me in the eye and i went into anaphylactic shock; that was my second Christmas in the hospital. (that trend continues to this day as every December i go to the hospital for an asthma attack) so that is where my asthma and allergies start. the severity of which limited my childhood to a fifteen minute radius of a hospital. I also haven't been able to have a pet cat odog either since that incident. The biggest problem with how severe my asthma and allergies are is the medication i require to function on a daily basis. The steroid use has caused the most common side effects over a long period of use such as weight gain and mild breast growth along with stunted growth in other areas.

So at this point your probably getting tired of my medical history. especial since the reason you reading this is the MTF or HRT tag, so lets get into the first time i can remember questioning my gender role, a story of masturbation, role play, bdsm, and locked doors.

The first time i masturbated was when i was seven years old. The story of how I found out what masturbation was and how to do it is probably not typical. So i was at my best friends house and his older brother (13 at the time) was showing us the dirty side of the AOL chat rooms. The three of us ended up role playing with a woman in a bdsm situation. she was tied up being spanked while we fingered her pussy and she asked if we were getting off to her being tied up. this prompted us to ask our shining role model what getting off was. He explained how maturation worked by moving your hand up and down your penis until you came using soap as a lubricant. me being the impressionable and eager kid i was decided tor try it in the bathroom later that day under the guise of doing a number two. Now some of you might of tried you use soap at one point and you know that it is not the best idea. for those of you who haven't, i would strongly discourage the practice. So here i was masturbating for the first time in secret at my best friends house painfully using bar soap as a lube; and though the pain my stoburness won out and i had my first organs at seven. But here's the thing, my mind kept going back to that girl who was tied up. I wanted to know what it was like to be her, what a finger in my pussy was like, what having my breast fondled would feel like.

Those feelings grew stronger the longer I dwelled on them. it makes me think of when i was older and i had one of those little black and white tv/am/fm radio combos you could get for like thirty bucks.. i had it plugged in at the foot of my bed and would listen to barbie girl by Aqua over and over again quietly at night when everyone was asleep. Its still on of my favorite songs to this day. Do you remember those Avon books they used to leave with the paper or in your mail box? I do; in particular I remember looking through them and thinking about how pretty i could be if i could wear makeup like the girls who molded in them. the big thin was how they always had that add about how you could join the Avon team an be an independent woman. I remember asking my mom if i could work part time for them selling makeup after school. since i grew up in the suburbs i thought it would be the perfect job. for me because i could ride my bike to make deliveries. i also thought that if i could get the samples the girl i was friend with up the road could teach me how to do makeup and many even help me dress up. i also remember there was no dividing line yet and all those thoughts were what everyone thought about. Alas the innocence of you the is scratched away as people start drawing lines in the sand. the first line was when my little brother got in trouble for wearing our younger sisters makeup. Boys don't wear makeup is what has been stuck in my head since then.

You may of noticed that I don't mention my dad much. Well let me give you the low down on that. My biological father bailed before i was born. i tracked him down when i was twelve and tried to have a relationship with him especially after i found out i had another brother and sister but he has kept his distance and ignored me for the most part. my mom married when i was about one to my stepdad. then my brother an sister came along and he failed as a human being. in his mind i was his so, my brother was not his son and he never wanted a daughter. i think three kids got to him because he tried killing himself by sliding his wrists in the tub. all i can remember from that that incident was standing outside the apartment complex while my mom handled things. when i was about eight things finally hit the boiling point. His drug an alcohol problems had gotten bad and him and mom would fight all the time. One night i was woken up to them fighting and i walked out and told him to leave and he did. he blamed him leaving on me but mom assured me even though i said what i did it was her decision to kick him out. the usual divorce and custody battle followed and it all came to an end one night when my siblings and i were over for visitation. He made this god awful frozen pizza that tasted of nothing but oregano. my brother being the picky eater he is, refused to eat it and my dad grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and picked him up off the ground and shook him. after he lost custody he ran off to Maine to avoid child support. that will be all i will say on that subject.

Around this time in my life i was told that i needed to step up and be the man of the house. I also had a nervous break down and stopped smiling.

I was always a smart kid and my mom tried to make things better for me by sending me to a private school in 4th grade. It was the worst decision she had ever made in my childhood. I was horrendously bullied that year, so much so that i fell into shirt and picked him up off the ground and shook him. after he lost custody he ran off to Maine to avoid child support. that will be all i will say on that subject.

Around this time in my life i was told that i needed to step up and be the man of the house. I also had a nervous break down and stopped smiling.

I was always a smart kid and my mom tried to make things better for me by sending me to a private school in 4th grade. It was the worst decision she had ever made in my childhood. I was horrendously bullied that year, so much so that i fell into i practice to this day, to look into ones self. She also got me a scholarship to a marine biology summer camp where i got to go collect specimens from the Indian river an mosquito lagoon, recored their date and submit to wildlife management to help keep track of populations. the best summer of my life so far.

Around this time another line was drawn by my peers. when talking about women and sex with some other guys i broached the topic of wondering what the girl feels like during sex and what it would feel like to be the girl. The proposal was unanimously rejected and the topic shelved for i did not want to be rejected as i was just starting to come back out of my shell.

Ah middle school the time when you start to figure out what your going to be when you grow up and start to plan for high school. the years i gave up. My algebra background allowed me to win the weekly math competition the school held almost every week; so my math teacher recommend me for a trial program in statistics in 8th grade. Back tracking to 6th grade i started taking graphic design and stuck with it through middle school. i also took home economics in order to get better at cooking and sewing and i though no on would bug me for doing girly things because it was looked at as an easy class. But back to 8th grade, the year i lost hope in the school system. it started with the elective wheel and pairing dance and graphic design. i took graphic design and for the second half of the year i had to take dance, i freaked out when i got put in dance. don't get me wrong i wanted to take it. heck i could even do a split, straddle, pirouette, and anything else they asked of me. but the thing that had me freak out was that for the final i had to the cancan in front of the whole school wearing spanks. i could not have any one seeing that feminine side of me. men did not do girly things and i had to be a mans man. so i went to the principal about the final being cruel and unusual and got put back in graphic design. the biggest thing that killed my hopes of the future was i broke my foot. yeah i know, not that big of a deal, but the events around it were. i had to be out of P.E. while i was in a cast, which let me sitting in the library reading for that period. The problem was i had an interview for the advanced placement program in high school. during the time i was recouping. the interviewer was there all week right next to me anand on Friday when he was packing up to leave i asked him about why he never called me for my interview and he said he had sent a not to my P.E. class to call for me twice. I explained to him the situation and asked to do the interview and he looked at my paper and told me i was absent to much to be accepted. i then replied that even though i miss half the year due to illness my grades and test score are better than most. he said i would not be a good fit and walked away. I gave up on school then and there.

from middle school through high school i tried being a mans man and hid my feeling and thought from others all the while retreating back into my shell. I dropped out my senior year to get a job to help the family because the rescission caused us to loose our house.

When i was nineteen i went to job corps to get a trade and do something with myself. i had gone there for mechanics but during orientation i was convinced by my peers to do deck hand. this was a hellish choice; for two months while we learned about how to work on a barge we had to walk a mile a day with a 15o lb coil of steel cable over our shoulder and learn to throw and maneuver 2inch lock line over 40 and 50 feet distances. after all that we interned on a barge and this is where something was dug back out; something i had buried deep. the irony is it was dug out in a macho job. one night. i walked in on my lead man sitting in the pilot house looking at porn on the ships computer. He was looking at shemale porn and called me over to show me something. what he showed me didn't matter but the trans girl made something click in my head. i could be that girl that i had dreamed of being since i was a kid. i could be a girl in every way except a piece of flesh dangling between my legs. (i did not know of HRT, SRS, or FFS yet) This small thing brought back something in me that i had forgotten about for a long time. My taste in poor started to change from lesbian and anal, to shemale and trans lesbian with that always present bondage kink.

i continued my education at job corps and was certified as a welder. and used that to get a job in a machine shop that would allow me to live on my own. the thought i had did not come back in a rush but gradually and gained strength as time went on.

A major turning point for me was when i got laid off. i made a snap decision to go to truck driving school because it was the fastest way to get back to work. but the nature of driving a truck played to my benefit in a way. i was isolated for a long period of time and alone with my thoughts. this allowed me to analyze themselves thoughts and feelings. it also gave me the capitulation to buy makeup and cloths and toys to experiment. let me tell you as uncomfortable as a pair of 4in heels can be there is something that just felt right about them to me, the same goes for girl cloths and makeup. I went through a few purge cycles while driving a truck. i took about six months off and then went back to driving. this is where another impotent event happened; i met a trans truck driver who worked for my company. she inspired me a lot because she was still early in her transition yet she was out and about in public and showed no hesitation in doing so. we talked for a while while we waited for our loads to be ready, not about her being trans but about regular things. it showed me that you can be trans and be normal your not just a sex object or a freak or oddity.

Then my mom almost died.... she went into heart failure in 2015 and luckily for us in 2016 they found the cause and fixed it in early 2017. she wont get better but she wont get worse just yet either. so i got out of the truck and purged all of the girly things i bought to come spend time with her not knowing if i had a few weeks or a few years left.

So before i got out of the truck i had started to go about transition the "proper way" i went to a therapist to start therapy in order to get on HRT through proper channels. but after i had to quit driving i lost my insurance and put all that on hold while taking care of mom. so everything got put on hold till she had heart surgery at the beginning of this year. after she started feeling better i went back to driving in July of 2017 with the express purpose of financing my transition. but like all laid plans something happened. this time it was bureaucracy that threw up a road block for me and i had to stop driving abruptly in September. so now i have a job doing construction while i try and save up to get back on the track i want to be on.

You probably want to know why i think I'm trans? well the truth is I don't know for sure. what i do know is that since i started planing to transition i have started taking better care of myself. i went from bathing once a week to daily; i have lost 18 inches off my waist this year. and every time i think of people treating me like a girl i feel happy. a while ago i got super excited because a clerk at a gas station mistook me for a girl even know i had a three day stumble and am a six foot tall guy with the build of a line backer. I hope that in writing this that i will get feed back, questions, advice, tips, and anything else that will help me make the best choice for myself. i just want to wake up happy with my self every once in a while, or many like the way i look enough to take a picture of myself more than once ever seven or so years.

so my plans as of now are to save enough money to finance my transition specifically HRT and the required blood test for the next two to three years.

i want to go back to school during that time so i can have my legal name change done before i graduate to help make transitioning back into the workforce easier.

a bonus goal is to document my transition in detail.. daily pictures to create a more complete time line, and a food journal and exercise journal.

so if you made it this far thank you and i hope to hear from you. i hope that what ever journey your on that led you to read this post or my blog is a fulfilling one that leads you to your happy place.

with love,

Sammy