samdeancrimespree

[samdeancrimespree]

[samdeancrimespree]

obsessed with sam deep in the grieving process binge drinking whiskey and demon blood not talking to anyone crying himself to sleep every night and at some point during all this he hits up best buy to pick up a ipod

[samdeancrimespree]

[samdeancrimespree]

[samdeancrimespree]

[samdeancrimespree]

My first post of edits like these flopped but I keep making myself laugh with them so I’m gonna keep posting them

[samdeancrimespree]

[samdeancrimespree]

job with the winchesters

[samdeancrimespree]

everything dean is, even all these years later, is still for sam, only ever sam, it beats through his blood more real to him than his own heartbeat, sam, sam, sam. the common fucking denominator of dean’s entire life.

or

four years later, dean has sam back. some things have changed. the main thing hasn’t.

pairing: sam winchester/dean winchester

tags: gen or pre-slash, post-stanford era, POV dean winchester, pining dean winchester, bobby knows, unrequited dean winchester/sam winchester, but not actually unrequited, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, case fic (ish)

word count: 35k

[samdeancrimespree]

we know dean becomes controlling when he's anxious and scared. i think it would interesting if dean knew sam had a crush on him when they were kids and exploited it to keep sam close. sam would talk about going to college and dean would kiss him on the cheek, run his hand through his hair and remind him that family comes first. or whenever sam got angry at their dad, dean would hold him tight and caress him.

it wasn't about falling in love with sam, although that happened anyway. it was about keeping the family together. romcoms taught dean that lovers would do anything for each other . so dean nurtured sam's love. gave sam what he wanted. he did everything he could to keep sam wrapped around his finger. it was so easy for him.

when sam left for college, he leaned two things. he was in love with his brother which is why it was so easy to lead him along. it was easy for him to kiss sam, hold his hand, hold him tight at night and teach him to love someone like they did in the movies. he also learned that he wasn't enough. despite loving his brother the best he could, sam still left him. he felt worthless after that. unlovable. he kept himself away from anyone who wasn't't john because who would love someone like him?

[samdeancrimespree]

you make a move on him you’ll be dead before you hit the ground you understand me? i mean do i make myself CLEAR? and sam’s just sitting there like 💅🏼💘😌🌈👰🏻‍♀️����🥰💋👑🙇🏻‍♂️🌸✨💖

[samdeancrimespree]

so hilarious to me how in 1x11 scarecrow everyone in the town is skeeved out by dean immediately. scottie, the couple at the diner, the professor. he just absolutely doesn’t know how to be normal. really puts into stark relief what a total creep dean comes off as without his little kitten brother to counterbalance his antisocial personality disorder <3

[samdeancrimespree]

teenage sam who’s painfully shy in public, never raises his hand in class even though he always knows the answers, barely has any friends because he doesn’t understand how to relate to other kids his age. BUT. talks dean’s ear off day and night, tells him random history facts and makes dean laugh constantly because he’s sarcastic and hilarious and, around dean, not shy or self conscious in the slightest

VS

teenage dean who’s sort of quiet and stoic around sam, always listens to him and lets him talk as long as he wants and he’ll pipe up every once in a while, though he never volunteers much conversation of his own. BUT. will babble incessantly to strangers or girls at school, made-up stories to make him look cooler than he is, has to keep talking and moving all the time so people won’t catch on to how deeply insecure he is

[samdeancrimespree]

actually i think dean would have absolutely no idea how to articulate or encompass his feelings for sam. like sam’s known his entire life with complete clarity that he’s in love and that he wants dean in every way etc etc. but i think if u held a gun to dean’s head and demanded he put a name to his feelings for his brother, he literally wouldn’t be able to offer up anything more than “i’m fucked up.”

[samdeancrimespree]

i don't actually think teenage Dean Winchester would be spurned-lover-style jealous of teenage Sam's girlfriends i think based on his s1 behavior that it's far more likely he went "HELL YEAH my little brother is DATING he is going to SLAY at this and i'll make sure of it," unilaterally appointed himself Sam's wingman, had to be beaten back with a stick from micromanaging his brother's love life, and probably lovingly fantasized about all the hot chicks Sam was gonna hook up with and all the things they'd get up to because let's face it, who wouldn't fall head over heels for the guy? (speculation about kissing practice, which of course Would Not Count as anything except making sure the little nerd did their family proud, is left as an exercise to readers who are so inclined.)

also probably the closest thing to a jealous shitfit he pulled involved one (1) time Sam ditched a hunt to be there for his then-girlfriend's Important Life Event, and it'd be like 40% loudly-expressed "he should be putting his FAMILY first" and 60% ferociously-suppressed "we don't get to just DO that! if i've accepted only ever being able to date super casually for a few weeks at a time before we blow town then where the fuck does he get off thinking he can just PRIORITIZE this COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR bullshit. that i tooootally don't want or care about anyway. because it's for SISSY NORMIE LOSERS, not a tight-knit clan of ULTRA-COOL SECRET MONSTER HUNTERS like us"

like i think Dean did accept much more readily, long before he could even realize the ramifications of what he was accepting, that the way they lived meant the Winchesters' only long-term relationship option was "rampant emotional incest that we don't have to acknowledge as long as we all only bang girls," but he also canonically had all kinds of festering resentment about missing out, and was aware on some level that their lives required the sacrifice of a lot of things he secretly longed for (and made a lot of noise about devaluing in favor of What's More Important)

and the toxic cocktail of that + envy of Sam's ability to just go "nah fuck expectations i want something else" + boundary-challenged investment/enabling/policing of each other's heterosexual exploits as a bulwark between their family dynamics and The Unspeakable + freakout over the early warning signs of a difference in values on family loyalty + inchoate terror of losing him to the outside world one day + unthinking idolization and projection along the lines of "well of course this girlfriend would take him away from us and wrap her entire life around his if she could, i mean, have you met him? who wouldn't want that? this is WHY we have to keep it casual and not get girls' expectations up"...

...the entire dynamic of Dean being Sam's number one hookup cheerleader but also perceiving signs of romance/commitment as a threat... s1 Dean trying to have a hand in pushing him towards actual romantic prospects anyway, because he's worried about Sam grief-spiraling and has reluctantly accepted that the rupture in the family is about things Sam genuinely wants, even as Sam's grief is already driving him to the conclusion that they aren't worth the cost and meanwhile the brothers have spent all season bonding even closer and more claustrophobically as adults...

well, i think all that is way more interesting, and in many ways even more fucked-up, than applying bog-standard jealous boyfriend tropes to the absolute mess of their upbringing

[samdeancrimespree]

anyway happy mother's day to dean winchester. it's hard to be a single mom when youre an 8-year-old boy raising your brother but he made do

[samdeancrimespree]

writing dean winchester is like. he’s hideously selfish. he’s the most selfless person in the world. he’s pathetic. he’s strong. he’s completely clueless about his feelings. he feels everything too much. he hates himself. he’s the cockiest son of a bitch you’ll ever meet. he ignores his fear. his fear consumes him. he’s protective. he wants someone to protect him. he’s controlling and possessive. he’s soft-hearted and kind. he wants to bear the weight of the world because it’s the only thing that makes him feel useful. he doesn’t want to feel responsible for everyone and everything. he loves the hunting life. he just wants to be normal. he loves his brother. he hates his brother. he loves his father. he hates his father. he loves his mother. he hates his mother.

and writing sam winchester is like. he’s never fit in anywhere. he just wants to belong. he wants to get away from his family. he doesn’t want to let his family down. he’s full of anger. he’s the gentlest man in the world. he’s never had the ability to choose. he’ll do anything to preserve other people’s ability to choose. he’s a good hunter. he wants to be anything else but a hunter. he’s defiant. he’s complacent. he’s ashamed of the things he’s done. he’s proud of himself for who he is. he doesn’t ever want to kill. he’ll kill anything that threatens someone he loves. he feels suffocated by his brother’s love. his brother’s love is the only true thing he’s ever known. he hates his father. he loves his father.

everything about these characters is a contradiction. how can you not want to eat them alive, absorb them into your blood, and then spend the rest of your life trying to write them into a world where every single one of these things is true at the same time??? i’m absolutely. insane