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[sanderssidesgoodomens]

Chapter 3

Word count: 1190 

Warnings: swearing, reckless driving, food mention, satanic nuns, pregnancy (???) Anything else let me know!

Crowley was all in favour of Armageddon in general terms. But it was one thing to work to bring it about, and quite another for it to actually happen.

“This is great. Just fan-fucking-tastic.” Darren drives recklessly as he speaks, each word dripping with sarcasm. “Why me?!” The radio host's voice morphs into someone else's. “It’s because you earned it, didn’t you? What you did to the M25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling.”

“Yeah, the M25..I’m glad it went down so well.” Darren was a liar, this is one of the main parts of his personality. He is, currently, lying. “Here are your instructions. This is the bing one, Darren.”

 White fog comes out from the radio player and seeps into Darren’t eyes and nose as he takes in the information. The bright light of a nearby truck is the only thing to snap him out of it as he swerves around it. The basket(s), Darren had placed in the back, lid flies open revealing a small baby. They cry at all the loud noises being made as Darren’s car squeaks on the road.

A sushi chef holds out a plate of sushi and places it in front of Logan. “Here is the selection of your favorite sushi rolls.” Logan smiles slightly.

“Thank you chef, that is very kind of you.” He lets the smell of fish and rice drift into his nose before hearing feedback. Strange, there isn’t anything that would cause that here. He looks into a mirror on the wall and sees the familiar face of Gabriel. He quickly turns his head to face him. “Mind if I join you?”

“Gabriel. What an unexpected pleasure.” He fixes the black glasses on his face. “It’s been..”

“Quite a while, yes.” Gabriel nods slightly, his smile almost creepy in the dim lighting. “Why do you consume that?” He points to the food, almost disgusted. “You’re an angel.”

“It’s sushi.” Logan looks up at Gabriel, letting some of his shock show. “You dip it in soy sauce.” Gabriel just looks more grossed out. Logan sighs, thinking of a more logical way to explain. “It’s what humans do. And if I am going to be living here among them, I’ll need to keep up appearances. Tea?”

“I do not sully the temple of my celestial body with..gross matter.” Logan fixes his glasses again, even though he doesn’t need to. “Of course not.” He finally noticed the grey suit, with a purple tie. “Nice suit.” Gabriel showed it off.

“Yes, I like the clothes. Pity they won’t be around much longer.” Gabriel exaggerates his movements, sighing as Logan sits up, confused. “They won’t?”

“We have reliable information that things..” Gabriel raises his eyebrows in a covert signal. “Are afoot.”

“They are?” Logan was worried, he knew this was coming he just hoped not so soon.

“Yes. My informant suggests that the demon...Darren? Might be involved.” Logan gulps and looks away. “You need to keep him under observation, without, of course, letting him know what you’re doing.”

“I do know, yes. I’ve been on Earth, doing this, since the beginning.”

“So has Darren. It’s a miracle he hasn’t seen you yet.” Gabriel chuckles. “Yes, I know. Miracles are what we do.” Logan groans slightly at the joke. Gabriel walks off as Logan stares at his food, letting his worry finally show.

Arthur Young rolls his eyes as he drives to the nearby hospital, his wife, Diedre Young, has gone into labour a week early. She sweats and shouts. “Are we there yet, Arthur? Four minutes apart.”

“It’s definitely this way, just the roads look all different at night.”

“The nuns said to come in when they were four to five minutes apart.” He grips the steering wheel, slightly annoyed. “It’s just..”

“Oh, do we have any egg and cress sandwiches?” Arthur sighs and points to the back seat as Diedre leans back before shouting in pain again.

An ambulance siren wails past the two as Harreit Dowling and her husband, Thaddeus Dowling, get driven to the hospital, coincidentally the same one as the other pair. Well, I can’t say that Thaddeus was being driven as he was with the president at the time and just there on a small screen. “Honey, breathe. Just breathe.”

“I am breathing goddamn it Tad! Why aren’t you here?!” The screen shakes as a man in a black suit holds it for her to see. “Honey, I am here. I’m just also with the president.” As the president steps into view she hides the immense pain she’s in and smiles, sweat dripping down her forehead. “Hey, Harriet, sorry we had to borrow your husband.” She screams out. “Birth is one of the single most joyous co-experience that 2 human beings can share, and I’m not gonna miss a second of it.”

“Tad, if we could get back to the matter at hand.” Thaddeus looks away.

“I’ll get back to you, honey.” He says, about to hang up.

“You’re meant to be with me, you useless son of a bi-”

“At some point this evening,” The sound of the mother superior speaks to a crowd of nuns. “Mrs. Dowling will arrive. She will, undoubtedly, have secret service agents with her. You are to make sure they see nothing untoward. Sister Theresa and I will deliver the Dowlings child in room four.”

A taller woman, probably Sister Theresa, looks around at the group, smirking. She got the important job. “Once he has been born, we will remove the baby boy from his mother, and give him back our masters child.” She moves small black cutouts of a baby, a mother and a small devil around on a board. “Everything is ready. Tonight it begins.” There’s an air of excitement as everyone mentally prepares for the oncoming events. “Sister Mary Loquacious?” One held up her hand, putting it back down when she was acknowledged. “Yes, uh excuse me, mother superior, I was wondering where the other baby was going to come from?” The other nuns look at her in a mixture of disbelief and annoyance. “Not the American baby. I mean, that’s obvious. It’s just the birds and the bees. But, you know, the um..” Mary raises an eyebrow, meaning the devil child.

“Master Darren is on his way with out dark lord-to-be, Sister Mary. You do not need to know more than that.” Mary nods as the Mother Superior addresses the whole group. “We are Satanic nuns, of the chattering order of Saint Beryl. And tonight is what our order was created for. You all know your assignments.”

The wailing of the ambulance gets closer as they all rush to their positions, all but Mary. “Excuse me, mother superior. I didn’t get a job. Probably an oversight.” It was definitely not an oversight. “Yes, of course. You could make sure there are biscuits, the kind with pink icing. I think we had a tin in the convent larder.” Mary nods and walks off, not fighting the smile growing on her face. The Mother superior sighs and shakes her head slightly as she walks off.

[sanderssidesgoodomens]

Logan

[sanderssidesgoodomens]

Chapter 2:

Word count: 901

Warnings: Deceit, smoking. Anything else, let us know!

Eleven years ago

The sky was black, making it near impossible to see the 2 figures rising from the dirt with a basket. One had what was clearly a blonde wig on, and the other had a gecko attached to his head. They both had marks down the sides of their face, the same colour as the creatures on their heads. They lurked around an empty church, past gravestones and waited. The wigged one’s hand caught aflame as he lit a cigarette. “Bugger this for a lark.” He spoke out through the smoke. “He should have been waiting for us.” The other nodded, Ligur was his name. “Do you trust him?”

Haster took the cigarette out. “Nope.” His jaw was clenched in annoyance.

“Good. It’d be a funny old world if demons went around trusting each other.” It was cold enough this night that their breath made small gray clouds, just visible in the darkness. “What’s he calling himself up here these days?”

Haster scoffed and spat out the name. “Darren.” The faint sound of a Queen song was heard in the distance as an old Bently drove up. “Here he comes now, the flash bastard.” Darren stepped out, slamming the door closed. “Ask me he’s been up here too long, gone native. Enjoying himself too much.” Haster said it quiet enough that the approaching demon didn’t hear. 

Darren walked with confidence, swaying his hips and letting his arms swing slightly. “All hail Satan.”

“All hail Satan.” Ligur repeated after Haster as they both put a hand up to wave.

“Yeah, all hail. Uh, hi guys. Sorry I’m late.” Darren was in yellow and black, with dark sunglasses, part of his face was covered in scales, glistening in the slight moonlight. He used gestures to emphasize most words he spoke. “But you know how it is on the A40 at Denham. I tried to cut up towards Chorleywood-”

“Now that we art all here, let us recount the deeds of the day.” Haster cut of Darren, making him sigh. “Of course. Deeds, yeah.”

“I have tempted a priest. As he walked down the street, he saw all the pretty girls in the sun. I put doubt into his mind.” Haster looks proud of himself while the others secretly scoff. “He would have been a saint. Now, within a decade, we shall have him.”

“Yeah, nice one.” Darren smiles slightly, partially out of pity for him.

“I have corrupted a politician. Made him think that a tiny bribe wouldn’t hurt. Within a year, we shall have him.” Darren smiled as it was his turn.

“Right, you’ll like this. I brought down every London area mobile phone network tonight.” Haster and Ligur wait for an explanation, “Yeah? How is that supposed to secure souls for our master.” He thinks of a way to explain to these old demons, who rarely go on Earth, that there are 7 billion people, and picking them off one by one won’t make a difference.

“Oh, come on, think about it. Fifteen-million pissed off people taking it out on one another.” Ligur’s croaky voice sounded unimpressed as he spoke.

“It’s not exactly...craftsmanship.”

“Well, head office don’t seem to mind. They love me down there, guys. Times are changing, so.” Darren shrugs slightly and sniffles. “What’s up?”

“This is.” Haster says as Ligur holds out the woven basket. Darren’s calm look turned into one of panic. “No.”

“Yes.” Darren tried to think of something to say, but all he could come up with was:

“Already?” Haster stepped forward with a face of mock sympathy.

“Yes.”

“And it’s up to me to?...”

“Yes.” They both said, simultaneously. Ligur shoves the basket forward for Darren to take. “You know, listen, it..” He stammered, waving his hand and shaking his head. “..really isn’t my scene.”

“Your scene, your starring role. Take it.” Ligur’s face was blank of emotion.

“Like you said, times are changing.” “They come to an end for a start.” “Why me?”

“Well, they love you down there.” Haster says, dripping with sarcasm. “And what an opportunity. Ligur here would give his right arm to be you tonight.”

“Or someone’s right arm, anyway.”

Haster held out a form for Darren. “Sign here.” Darren licked his finger, creating a small spark, then wrote on the paper with fire. He pulled it away quickly after and shook his hand to extinguish it, almost like it was hurting him. “Now what?”

“You will receive your instructions. And why so glum? The moment we’ve been working for all these centuries is at hand.”

“Centuries?” Darren copied Haster.

“Our moment of eternal triumph awaits.” Ligur smirks slightly.

“Triumph.” Darren shakes his head.

“And you will be a tool of this glorious destiny.” Haster smirks at how uncomfortable he could make Darren with just a few words. “Glorious tool. Yeah. OK.” He takes the basket. “I’ll, um, be off then. Get it over with.” Darren pauses and shakes his head. “Not that I want to get it over with, obviously, but I'll be popping along.” He nods as he talks. “Great. Fine. Yeah.” Darren was usually a good liar, but with such stakes he was more nervous than usual. He walks off with the same snake-like walk as he did when he arrived, only it’s slightly thrown off by the basket. “Ciao!”

“What’s that mean?” Ligur watches him leave, confused.

“‘Ciao’, it’s Italian. Means...food.”

[sanderssidesgoodomens]

Darren is here!

[sanderssidesgoodomens]

Chapter 1: the beginning

Word count: 803

Warnings: Snake, food mention, blade mention.

There is high pitched static as a tv floats around the room, it’s not real but you wouldn’t be able to tell unless I told you. “Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created, and didn’t just start, as it were unofficially, it came into being about 14 Billion years ago. The Earth is generally supposed to be about 4 1/2 billion years old. These dates are incorrect. Heaven and Earth were, in fact, created on Sunday 21st October, 4004BC at 9:13am. This proves two things. Firstly, that God does not play games with the universe. I play an ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it’s like playing poker in a pitch-dark room for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won’t tell you the rules and smiles all the time. Secondly, the Earth is a Libra. To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier. A little more than 6000 years, to be precise. Just after the beginning. It starts, as it will end, in a garden. In this case, the garden of Eden, and with an apple.”

Deceit slithered onto the wall, by the guardian of the Eastern gate, Logan as he was called. His snake form slowly grew into a winged man, with bright yellow slitted eyes. “Well that went down like a lead balloon.”

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, well that went down like a lead balloon.” Logan nodded, letting out an airy chuckle. “Yes, yes, it did, rather.” The wind blew the black and white tunics as they talked.

“Bit of an overreaction if you ask me.” Logan looked in Deceits eyes for an explanation.

“First offense and everything. I can’t see what’s so bad about knowing the difference between good and bad anyway.”

“Well, it must be bad…” Logan silently asks for the name.

“Deceit.”

“Otherwise, you wouldn’t have tempted them into it.” They both looked over the desert surrounding paradise. Adam was attempting to fight a lion to protect Eve.

“Oh, they said get up there and make some trouble.”

“Well obviously. You’re a demon. It’s what you do.”

“Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a don’t touch sign.” Deceit shakes his head slightly. “I mean, why not put it on top of a mountain? Or on the moon?” Logan looked up to the sky and at the dark moon starting to rise. “Makes you wonder what God’s really planning.”

“Best not to speculate. It’s all part of the great plan. It’s not for us to understand.” Logan paused for a minute before continuing, trying to sound smart. “It’s ineffable.”

“The great plan’s ineffable?” Deceit furrowed his brows. Logan nodded.

“Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words.” Deceit looked down at Logan’s hand as he spoke, as if trying to remember something. “Didn’t you have a flaming sword?” A look of guilt passed over Logan’s face as he shakes his head slightly. “You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it?” Logan shook his head more as he mouthed ‘don’t know’

“Lost it already did you?” Deceit sighs.

“gave it away…” Deceit looks at him in shock.

“You what?”

“I gave it away! There are vicious animals out there and she’s expecting already. So I said ‘here you go. Flaming sword. Don’t thank me. And don’t let the sun go down on you there.’” Logan sighs. “I really hope I didn’t do the wrong thing.”

“Oh, you're an angel. I don’t think you can do the wrong thing.” Deceit says, sarcastically. Logan let out a long sigh as he relaxed. “Oh, oh thank you. It’s been bothering me.” The lion lets out an echoing roar as it’s head is sliced off by the flaming blade. It makes Logan tense up again.

“I’ve been worrying too..What if I did the right thing with the whole ‘eat the apple’ business. A demon can get in a lot of trouble for doing the right thing.” They both looked concerned, only Deceit noticed how uncomfortable the other looked though. He tries to lighten the mood. “It’d be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.”

They both chuckle before Logan looks panicked, having only just processed what he said. “No. It wouldn’t be funny at all.”

Deceit shrugs slightly, nodding. “Well..” The rain starts falling from dark storm clouds as Logan lifts his wing to protect the other.

“Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events occurring in the last eleven years of human history, in strict accordance, as shall be shown with the nice and accurate prophecies of Agnes Nutter, witch.”

[sanderssidesgoodomens]

Wensleydale - [redacted]

Pepper - [redacted] 

Brian - [redacted] 

 Adam - [redacted] 

Newt - [redacted]  

 Anathema - [redacted]  

 Crowley - Deceit(Antoney J. Darren) 

Aziraphale - Logan Fell 

War - [redacted] 

Famine - [redacted] 

 Pollution - [redacted] 

Death - [redacted] 

Postman- [redacted] 

God- Jay/Jo

Gabriel- [same]

Micheal- [same] 

Beelzebub-[same] 

Dagon-[same] 

Hastur-[same] 

Ligur-[same] 

Shadwell-[same] 

Madame Tracey-[same] 

Sandalphon- [same]