sarahmariepoet - Tumblr blog

[sarahmariepoet]

So I had a huge scare the last couple days. Awhile back (6 months to a year+) I got hurt moving from my old old place to my old new place. Well, I knew it was a hernia. I knew it. I told my NP at the time and she sent me to get it checked.

They said it wasn't a hernia. Well, I started to wonder if maybe it could be cancer due to a growth. The NP blew me off saying it wasn't a big deal and not to worry about it.

Well, I switched medical practices due to that NP (and in general that whole medical practice) didn't care and continued to treat me like nothing but a number.

Well my new doctor took my concern seriously since cancer does run in my family and my dad did have that specific type of cancer. So I went and got this very awkward test done that I had to disassociate a little with.

Point being, it isn't cancer and it's a hernia. Like I said! I'm mentioning this because I know it can be awkward for any of us, and especially for trans people, to continue to speak up about things especially against medical professionals.

For trans people, it can be hard for us to go and do these things when dealing with parts of our bodies that cause us dysphoria but it is important that we go and take care of these issues as soon as possible so that, if something is majorly wrong, we aren't taking care of it.

Some areas are far more dysphoric then others and we may want to not go because of that, or are fearful of how others will perceive us because of this.

Anyway, just wanted to mention this in case someone else needed to hear it.

[sarahmariepoet]

I recently updated my license and, in my state, we are legally allowed to change our gender marker (M, F, or X). I put F because I am a woman.

For me, seeing this marker is another affirming moment in my life. It tells the world that I am a woman. It reminds me that progress is being made and that I'm happy...finally happy. I see this small yet huge change and I am filled with happiness and euphoria.

I recently updated my license and, in my state, we are legally allowed to change our gender marker (M, F, or X). I put F because I am a woman.

For me, seeing this marker is another affirming moment in my life. It tells the world that I am a woman. It reminds me that progress is being made and that I'm happy...finally happy. I see this small yet huge change and I am filled with happiness and euphoria.

My journey is far from over and yet this change and the picture on my license reminds me that I am making these steps to becoming who I have always been: Sarah, a human woman. There is good and there is bad in everything, of course. For all the good being seen as the woman I am, there is also bad in how differently us women are treated as well.

Despite and sometimes because of all the hardship I have endured, I am proud of who I am. I wouldn't change who I am. Yes, there are some things I wish I had done earlier. Yes, some features of myself I wish I could change. Yet...I am glad to be me. I am Sarah. I am me.

My journey is far from over and yet this change and the picture on my license reminds me that I am making these steps to becoming who I have always been: Sarah, a human woman. There is good and there is bad in everything, of course. For all the good being seen as the woman I am, there is also bad in how differently us women are treated as well.

[sarahmariepoet]

Sometimes people say or do things that are hateful, bigoted, spiteful, and meant to hurt. Sometimes these words or actions are on purpose but sometimes they're small, microaggressions, that are minor to most people but not the member of the group they're targeted against.

"Oh you're so smart" with the "for a ..." implied.

It could be comparing a member of that minority to cis, white, men. It could be misgendering a trans person or deadnaming them "by accident" or "because I slipped up". All of this still hurts and it is definitely still wrong.

The issue becomes that as a member of a minority people tend to not hear you until things are so bad that it's obvious to the majority. Now, as a disclaimer, I am a white trans woman living in America. I don't pretend to know what it is like to be a person of color.

I can, however, logically see why we are where we are today with racial intolerance and hatred. POC have spoken up about how they have been treated for years. No one listened--or when they did very few aspects of change actually occurred and if they did things went back to the "normal" where POC were treated differently to white people in very dramatic and quite obvious ways.

The issue is that those who are in the majority, that is those who have power, tend to treat those who are different as just that. Different. Undeserving in even a tiny bit of human compassion and understanding. As if being different was the greatest sin imaginable.

For me, as a trans woman, I have seen those microaggressions both personally and by watching how others speak with minorities in general. If minorities speak against issues, we're overreacting or taking things out of context. We're sensitive and not in our right minds.

Because clearly, to the majority, what we are saying cannot be true because they never experienced it. But why would they have? They're not the ones being dragged out of their homes, off their porches, held at gunpoint, or even thrown in prison because they're different or because they dared to speak up for themselves. This is exactly what POC, trans and cis, have been through simply for the "crime" of being different and existing.

So, no, both POC and other minorities don't mention every single thing that happens because we've learned that people don't listen anyway or, even if they do, they say we're overreacting or "making a mountain out of a molehill" or that they don't see the racism, the homophobia, the transphobia, but why would they? They haven't experienced it targeted at them every single day. They've not HAD to learn to keep their mouth shuts so they can live despite being both verbally and physically abused for being different.

And yet, when a minority has had enough, when they've said no more and they speak up they're overreacting, being oversensitive, or just not making any sense. The words of the voiceless are never heard until it's too late and by then it takes a shout to be understood.

[sarahmariepoet]

I don't know how much I can stress this. The importance of properly addressing transgender people saves lives. Addressing someone by their chosen name is not only respectful but helps to validate who they are and how they feel. This is why it's so important and why, especially in the workplace, is both required and needed.

I've had both managers and coworkers address me as my deadname and, while I have done my best to address it, the accidents and slip ups continued to a point where I had enough. I went to my managers, to HR, and did everything I possibly could.

Transferring was brought up as an option but, as I recently mentioned to HR, trying to get the person being victimized to leave is neither fair nor right and their behavior cost the company an employee that did their job well.

There were things I could have done better, yes, but I'm not perfect. Neither are those people that made mistakes. This is true. The problem is though that people want to put me and others like me on this pedestal but forget that we're human beings. All I ever wanted was to be treated like a normal human woman. That's it.

Compliment me on my hair, tell me my necklace is beautiful, get to know me as a person, don't tell me I'm brave and admire me from afar. I'm not brave. I'm a normal human woman with faults and issues.

A year ago I was suicidal. A year ago I made a decision that was both the best and worst decision I could have ever made. I made the decision to be myself regardless of consequences. The sad truth is that it cost me family, friendships, and my job. Now, it wasn't all at once. It wasn't even always obvious but it happened.

For family, some backed away and others came closer. For friendships, I lost many and gained some but, more often then not, people circled but didn't stay. For my job, I wasn't fired, which is good, but I had to find another job.

I spoke with HR. I mentioned all that I have said here. I can only hope that they learn from the mistakes. I can only hope that the next transgender person is treated with more respect and actually accepted.

I'm not strong. I'm not invincible. I'm a human being with faults, just like everyone else. I'm allowed to have emotions. I'm allowed to have attitudes. Just like everyone else. People at work seemed to forget that. If I was too emotional, I scared them and they didn't know what to do.

My bosses and some coworkers didn't know how to treat me if they saw me crying. There were times I would come out of a stall clearly upset and no one asked if I was okay. If I displayed emotion, I was told not to be emotional or sad. If I displayed that I was upset by those comments, I scared the person because of it.

If I, in anyway, displayed a desire to get to know others on a personal level I was pushed aside. I wasn't perfect though. I made mistakes. I followed and listened to people I shouldn't have. I made mistakes with money. I didn't do everything I was supposed to do. I wasn't perfect. I was human. My mistakes though were pointed out more closely as if I was held to a higher standard. This pedestal I was forcefully placed upon began to crumble.

I was asked if I would ever get surgery. I was asked if I would keep my penis or not. I was asked very personal and inappropriate questions. I said nothing. I was misgendered. I said very little. I was deadnamed. I drew a line. I was treated as if I overreacted. How dare I go to HR. How dare I have a limit. How dare I say enough. How dare I want to be treated as a human being.

My training was constantly put to the side for others. People would stop talking to me only to run and talk to others. I was treated like a pariah. I wasn't perfect. I never claimed to be. They began to treat me like I was dumb. As if I didn't know anything. "Don't forget to do this" "You need to do this." I said something. It got worse.

I was misgendered and compared to myself. "Hi [deadname]" "When you were [deadname], you never used to make this mistake." and yet my mistakes continued to be pointed out. Over and over and over. As if I needed to be better. As if I wasn't good enough.

And so, I took notes. Was I crazy? Was I making things up? I began to wonder. Maybe it was all in my mind. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Maybe it was getting better and I didn't realize it. And so, I kept notes. And then people found out. Oh no, she's taking notes! Maybe we should talk to her about why she's taking notes? Maybe we should address and prevent the reason she's taking notes. No. The reason for the notes was never addressed.

I had to go to HR. I had to approach coworkers. I had to approach management. Not once did anyone approach me first unless it was to ask very personal questions. When are you getting surgery? Are you chopping your dick off or keeping it? [not how it works]. Are you dating anyone? Who are you attracted to?

The few times I was asked if I was okay were fleetingly scarce and those that did care quickly became less and less. It got to a point where, if someone did care, I wondered if they were being real or not. Being deadnamed increased with each passing moment. Still, I didn't report everyone. But it didn't matter. I was keeping notes and people found out. How dare I keep notes. How dare I tell HR the very few times I did. How dare I request to be treated like a human. How dare I.

How dare I be quiet. How dare I speak up. How dare I have bad days. How could I possibly be emotional? How could I say don't call me by my deadname? It was on a screen someone just read. I can't expect someone to do better. I can't expect someone to mentally translate a word from one to another and I certainly can't expect them to treat me with the same respect I gave them. Right?

In the end, I gave notice to the job and am working as close to two weeks as possible. I'm being professional, even if no one else is. I'm doing the best I can in a tough situation. I never asked for people to put me on a pedestal. I never asked for people to treat me differently. I never asked for people to ask me personal and invading questions. I only wanted people to treat me as a woman. That's it. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. A human woman with feelings and emotions that are valid and right to have.

There are days I went into work and cried. If I went to the bathroom, I was probably crying. I was crying because I was emotional and alone. I was crying because no one really cared. I had no real friends at work. Not that anyone needed to be my friend of course. As a manager told me, they can't force people to be my friends.

I think what really pushed me over the edge though was being told that I had to be patient about moving up and that promoting me right now wouldn't be a good idea and wouldn't do me any favors and that it would take time. Training stalled though and got pushed to the side. I got pushed to the side. If I couldn't move up and wasn't a part of the team, constantly looking in from the outside, then why would I stay? What was the point.

Why remain somewhere I'm not wanted. And so, I applied elsewhere. I got the job. I got the job! And so I put my notice in. And what was I expecting? Some I told were sad. Some were happy but tried to hide it. One person kept calling me man while saying how they'd miss me. All in all a typical day. I can only hope it gets better.

And so, I talked with HR after noticing they were there, someone higher then who I normally spoke with. Maybe they can make things better. I don't know and, truthfully, it doesn't matter for me. I'm already out. They made sure of that when deadnaming me was put down to accidents. Accidents hurt. Accidents matter.

It's easy to do the bare minimal like changing name tags or my name in some systems. It's harder to admit mistakes and say you were wrong. Using the excuse of seeing my legal name is wrong and a cheap and easy excuse. I tried to explain why it hurt. I tried to explain dysphoria but I was told to just be patient and things would change. As usual, I was treated as if I was overreacting. Some said it outright, others said as much through words and actions.

If I dared to complain, I was wrong. If I dared to be quiet, I was wrong. I'm not perfect though. I don't always know what to say or how to say it. In fact, I'm human. I make mistakes. I'll probably make more today and tomorrow. Mistakes happen. Accidents happen. But what happens when they continue to happen over and over and over and over again?

When is enough, enough? When can we no longer give another chance. That's the question, isn't it? And truth be told, I don't know. I do know that I did my best to express how I felt and what I needed but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to respect and call Sarah. I wasn't enough to befriend. I wasn't enough to treat like a human woman.

But, was it all me? No. They could have tried harder. They could have done better. Putting it all on me isn't fair nor is it right. Businesses need to do better. Management needs to do better. I once asked my manager, 'How can we expect others to do better if you don't and continue to call me by my deadname?' and it's true.

All excuses aside. Deadnaming is wrong. That's why I left. That's why I'm leaving. I was kept seperate from others. As if in a zoo, I was gawked at and treated differently. I never asked for that. All I ever wanted was to be treated like any other adult human woman. That's it. Please do better. Please treat me like a human. Please treat me like a woman. That's all. That's it. Thank you.

[sarahmariepoet]

Keep Living

Harassment comes in many forms. People can say they respect you but talk behind your back. That's disrespectful and can lead to harrassment. The same comes for deadnaming [calling a transgender person their birthname i.e. the name that reflects their assigned gender and not the gender they identify as] as it can cause both mental and physical pain.

Outing someone can come with real challenges and dangers. Especially for transgender people. We are constantly judged for being ourselves. I have had to come out multiple times and, day to day, I never know how I will be treated.

Will today be the day I'm outed to the wrong person? Will today be the day that someone wants to harm me? Will I be killed? These are all extreme thoughts, yes, but exactly what I have to worry about.

All over the world, transgender people are attacked or killed for being who we are. Transgender people are fired from jobs simply for being ourselves. Transgender people face homelessness because they are themselves.

Yet, despite all this, we are treated as if we are constantly overreacting or simply too dumb to realize the truth of our surroundings. We're not dumb though. We've just realized who we are and are doing our best to live our lives.

If I could live without fear, I would do so without issue. However, the truth is that there are certain challenges I have to face just for being transgender. I have to face daily discrimination. I have to face being deadnamed and misgendered and realizing that, if I say something, the chances are no one will listen or make excuses for the other person.

The times I have been told it was an accident are numerous. I'm tired of hearing that though. The truth is though that I will hear it many more times. I will be treated like I'm stupid. I will be mistreated and mislead for simply being myself. This doesn't have to be this way though.

Unfortunately, people fear that which they do not understand or disagree with. I have found that discrimination can come from those you least expect. Friends, family, coworkers, employers, housing authorities, and even other minorities.

The truth is that discrimination can come from any source. It doesn't make it right, but it is a very real and terrible thing. What do I suggest though? Take complaints from minorities seriously. If a transgender person comes to you with a complaint, don't dismiss it just because you know the other person. Investigate. Take it seriously.

I've had people try and gaslight me to make me seem crazy and, sadly, I have walked into it. I'm not perfect though and have made mistakes. I have trusted the wrong people. I have given people information they didn't need to know. I have allowed people to upset me and played into the stereotype of the angry transgender person.

I have been taken out of my comfort zone because I refused to put my foot down. I'm not perfect though. My biggest concern? That the mistakes I was forced into making by trust other people will cost me everything. That by trusting people I will be hurt and will wish I was dead.

I don't want to return to how I was. That person, that supposed man, was one step away from suicide. I can't go back to that. I won't. What if it costs me my job? My life? My everything? Would I be willing to die in order to be myself? Wow, tough question.

The truth is though that parts of me have died so that the parts of me that reflect who I am can live. I am not who I was a year ago and I don't want to be that person. I want to live as myself, regardless of consequences.

Now, does that mean I want to lose everything? No, of course not. I'm afraid that by being myself though that I'll be punished by those who fear what I represent. The truth is though that I don't represent every transgender person. I'm me. I represent myself. Not every transgender person is the same.

What do we do when we see discrimination? That depends on the situation. Sometimes, and especially when you're in the middle of it, you may not recognize it right away -- or even be in the situation to say anything. My encouragement though for those in power would be for them to step up and help to protect minorities from being discriminated against.

I wish people would stand up for me. I've spoken up in order to defend myself but, like most minorities, I have been dismissed, talked over, ignored, or retaliated against. So much has changed in just a year. Reading about discrimination and experiencing it are two very different things.

As someone who lived life as a cis white male, even though I was never cis or male, there were certain benefits I had and either didn't realize I had or was given regardless. Not that life was perfect, of course, as I was constantly passed over for promotions or barely given raises despite doing far more work in a previous job than those male colleagues that were promoted over me.

Still, there was a certain amount of time people afforded me. That's something I have found people are far less willing to give me since I have come out. I am given less time to talk. Less time to be heard. Less time of day. People are far more likely to talk over me, far more likely to ask me a question then ignore me, and far more likely to not care about me or what I have to say. Whether this is because they now know I'm a woman or because they know I'm transgender, I'm not sure.

Either way, the results are the same. I'm treated worse than I was before. I'm ignored by others and any tiny mistakes I make are far more criticized than they were before and considered far worse than my colleagues. At the same time, anything I do well is usually summarily ignored.

Any personal achievements or things I am proud of are ignored. People are far more likely to compliment others over me. When in a room, I tend to be greeted last -- if at all -- and all I can wonder is: Is it me? Did I do this? Am I to blame? Am I truly that disgusting?

I'd like to think not. Unfortunately, the more this occurs the more any type of self esteem I might have had is drained away until I truly start to believe I'm dumb and -- believe it or not -- I start to act that way as well. And the worst part? My mistakes increase because I'm constantly second guessing myself.

The problem with analyzing mistakes can be when we overanalyze them, causing them to grow and increase. This can cause even worse mistakes. This is why it can be dangerous to listen to every single person. If I listen to everyone, then I must stupid and don't deserve to work or even live. And you know what? Neither of those are true.

I love myself. I deserve to work. I deserve to live. I deserve to be able to make something of myself, even if others disagree with my life. People can disagree and that's fine. So what would happen if I was fired from a job? I'd find another. Would it be tough? Yes. Of course it would. But I'd survive and I would live.

People seem to forget how tough minorities are. I've been mistreated my whole life. That's not new. What is new is the blatant disrespect and discrimination I face on a daily basis. Whether it is deadnaming, being misgendered, or treated differently for being myself. Whatever the reason, there's only one solution: Keep going on. Live my life despite those transphobic comments and actions by others. Keep. Living. Your. Life.

[sarahmariepoet]

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be enough. Even when I do everything I can possibly do, people don't seem to appreciate me. I'll be having a great day and then people keep misgendering me and my day goes to hell. It's easy to say don't let it get to you but when it's all the time to the point where you keep record of it, eventually it's just too much.

I try and remain strong but, sometimes, I've just had enough. People say they care but, when they continue to misgender you, it's hard to believe them. When people talk to one another, but ignore you, it's hard to believe them. When people disagree with you in front of others and in public, it's hard to believe them.

It's hard because you feel like every little mistake you make is judged even more because you're different. Like you're judged more closely because you're a minority and the truth is: You are.

As much as we don't like to admit it, those of us who are different are judged more harshly. We are judged more because we are different. And what happens when you're the first or the only minority in a group? You're ostracised or treated differently. We know this. This has been witnessed previously and we have seen hatred strive for conflict. That's not new.

Unfortunately though, unless those in power step up to do better, nothing changes and nothing ever will. But what can those of us who are treated differently do? We can keep going. I know it's hard. Hell do I know. I feel it everytime I'm misgendered but have to smile through it without saying anything. I feel it when people deadname me. I feel it when a stranger asks me if Sarah has been my name since I was little.

I feel it when I'm judged and looked down upon. I feel it when someone uses masculine pronouns and words. I feel it every. single. day. But...I keep going on. It's hard. It's not easy. It's scary. Somedays I wonder if it's worth going on but, then I remember, I remember that I was far more depressed in the past. I remember wanting to commit suicide. I remember wanting to die. I remember that, even if I have some of those feelings now, it isn't going to last forever.

I remember when I couldn't even look in the mirror. I remember when I wanted to cut off parts from my body because they didn't match who I knew I was. I remember how I felt those times and I know -- I KNOW -- my life is worth more than those people's opinions. I remember this even when I'm hurt. Even when I'm constantly looked down upon, constantly misgendered, constantly deadnamed, and constantly treated different just because I'm transgender.

People may not like me. That's fine. Hell, they may not even respect me. It doesn't matter though. I like me. I respect me. And, I love me. The truth of the matter is that no one -- NO ONE -- controls who I am. They can judge me all they want. That's on them. Not me. Them. Those that judge now will be judged eventually. Whether you believe in an afterlife, karma, or whatever have you -- know this, I'm not the one causing these issues. I'm just being me. You judging me for being myself isn't my problem. Your problem is your own. I'm done. Take your judgement and look at yourself for once.

[sarahmariepoet]

Voices

Voices in my head,

Telling me I'll never be enough.

Voices in my head,

Telling me to give up.

Voices,

Telling me I'll never be a woman.

Voices,

Telling me I'll never be enough.

Oh voices,

Don't toy with me.

Oh voices,

Don't you know?

I'll never give up,

I'll never stop.

I'll never give up,

I'll never stop.

I'll keep on moving,

Until I get what I want.

I know who I am,

I know what I am.

I make mistakes,

I keep on going.

Voices in the dark,

You don't own me.

Voices in my mind,

Go back where you belong.

You don't own me,

Voices in the dark.

Let's bring the light,

You don't own me.

[sarahmariepoet]

The Surgery

While I'm on the subject, since coming out (that is originally telling someone last year), I've had around six to seven people ask me if I'm 'getting the surgery. This doesn't even include medical professionals, by the way. These are people who have no need to know. They want to know. For their own curiosity. I've answered some and ignored others. Honestly though, I'm tired of being asked. Why do you need to know? Answer this: Are we sleeping together? If yes, then I'll tell you. If no, then it's none of your business.

Why is it suddenly seen as acceptable to ask this question of someone who is transgender? Here's a hint, it's not. You wouldn't ask a cis person (that is someone identifying as the gender assigned at birth) so why would you think it's okay to ask me?

Yes, I've answered some of them, but why do they need to ask in the first place? If I wanted to share, I'd tell you. You don't need to know. Leave my privates alone you pervert.

[sarahmariepoet]

This is me

Since coming out, I've had people tell me they disagree with me and that I'm wrong for being who I am. I've had people pull away from me and decide I'm not worth getting to know. While this hurts, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm worth loving and that being myself is not wrong.

At this time last year, I was close to committing suicide. I sought help from professional therapists and doctors. They helped me realize that I was not a freak and that being transgender is not wrong. Apparently to some people, none of that matters. I've tried to be patient but I'm not pretending anymore and I'm not apologizing for who I am nor am I being silent or apologizing while people actively or passively treat me differently or like a freak.

I love who I am now. I don't need everyone to love me. If you don't approve of me, don't pretend like you do. This is me. I'm transgender. I'm a woman. If you don't understand, look up more information. Don't judge me based off that alone.

I try to remind myself that, despite what others think, I'm not a freak and that I don't need to live in fear of what others think. Still, I'm afraid to live my life because of what could happen. I'm afraid to go somewhere new because of the chance I could be attacked. I live each day wondering what will come next.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw

Despite all the anxiety, depression, and doubt I experience each day, I try to remind myself that I'm worth it and that being both happy and proud of who I am is worth it. I have to because, if I don't believe that, what's the point in going forward? People are mad at me and for what? Living my life. Being happy. Apparently that's wrong. Well then, this is me. Like it or hate it, this is me.

[sarahmariepoet]

Gender and Sexuality

Hello, this will speak of the differences between gender and sexuality. First, let's mention that there is someone's sex and then there is someone's gender. They can be the same or be different.

So, for example, someone who is born with a penis may be assigned male at birth (AMAB) while someone with a vagina may be assigned female at birth (AFAB). Whereas, someone's gender identity may be the same as their sex (they identify as the gender assigned at birth, cisgender) or different then their sex (they identify as a different gender identity, transgender).

Someone who's sex matches their gender is cisgender. Someone's who sex does not match their gender is transgender. There are transgender men (AFAB), transgender women (AMAB), and nonbinary people (any). Some nonbinary people may identify as transgender and others may not.

Keep in mind that not everyone is XX or XY either. Chromosomes are all over the place and could be XXY, XYY, or a whole other list of combinations. There are also intersex people who could have features of any gender. I won't go into all of this as I am not an expert, but you can certainly find out more information elsewhere.

Keeping all of this in mind, we should be able to understand that gender is not based on your chromosomes either. This is why sex and gender are considered different. As such, it may become more clear that someone's gender does not have to match their sex.

For example, I am AMAB and I am also a transgender woman and nonbinary. My pronouns are She/Her/They/Them, but I don't usually tell people the They/Them part as explaining nonbinary can be difficult and I have very little desire to have to do that all the time. Explaining my being a transgender woman is difficult enough at times ("So, you get that surgery yet?").

I won't go deep into it in this part but there isn't any one surgery that is right for transgender people either. Not all transgender people are the same. No one person can represent a whole group either. As such, what's right for me isn't always right for everyone either. For me, hormones were the right choice but not everyone will need nor want them. The same goes for surgeries as well (forehead reduction, tracheal shave, top surguey, bottom surgery, and so forth).

Now, with that in mind, we can see that both gender and sex are very different and can vary from person to person. We can also figure out that how someone presents can be different from their identity as well. Not all women wear the same clothes, just as not all men wear the same clothes, and not all nonbinary people wear the same clothes. Each person is unique and can choose their own way of presentation without threatening or damaging their gender identity.

Now that we have spoken of sex and gender, what about sexuality? Well, sexuality can also come in many shapes and forms (a spectrum just as gender), although it usually means the sexual attraction (or lack thereof) toward a gender in some form or fashion.

Now, this is in no way a complete list but here are a few of them. Homosexual, which is the attraction to the same or similar gender (whether you're male, female, or nonbinary). Heterosexual, the attraction to an/multiple opposite gender(s). Bisexual, which is the attraction to two or more genders. Pansexual, which is the attraction to any gender, but doesn't mean the person is attracted to everyone. Asexual, which means the person does not feel sexual attraction (or a small amount and/or only toward one person), but can certainly be in a relationship. It is also possible to be asexual and homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, etc. Again, keep in mind this is not a complete list and the definitions may not match or be perfect for each person in all cases.

For me, for example, I identify as pansexual. I have never slept with anyone though, and have only dated women in person, but have dated men online. Part of that was fear to be myself and fear to go against how I was raised and taught. This does not mean I am not sexually attracted to men though. The act of sex does not equal sexual attraction. You can be sexually attracted to someone without initiating or performing any sexual act.

Now, what about what you learned as a child or teenager or even in college? What if it doesn't match these definitions or examples? Well, language and our understanding of the world is constantly and consistently changing. What we know today may not match what we knew yesterday, or even what we know tomorrow. The importance here is to be able to learn more and to be open to learning more and also open to being wrong. Being wrong isn't wrong. It's okay to be wrong. Learn from the past, yes, but don't be afraid to look toward the future.

As we continue to grow and our understanding of the world changes, we may find that what we were taught to believe may not have been true or wholely accurate and that we need to widen our own understanding of the world. This isn't bad either. It just means we may have times where we are forced to change. Change can be scary. Change is also necessary for us to survive as a people.

If we don't accept change, we won't grow and we won't be able to move forward and exist together as a people. This is true regardless of who or where we are. The importance here is that we should not allow our differences to keep us apart. Fear, embarrassment, and hatred has kept people from getting to know one another for generations. Let's not continue the cycle. It is too easy to fear people you don't know or understand. If you fear them, hate will eventually grow as rumors and paranoia strikes. From there, embarrassment will prevent someone from admitting they're wrong, even if all evidence points in that direction.

This is important to remember as, when this happens, people will not be willing to work together for a better tomorrow. Cisgender, transgender, and all those in between or anywhere else on the spectrum, we are all human beings and we need to work together not against one another.

[sarahmariepoet]

Blaming God

One of the most frequent things I did when I was a child was ask god to make me a cis woman. I didn't use those words but that is essentially what I wanted.

I was mad. I wanted to be born a cis woman or have my body suddently changed into one. I prayed to god, as I was raised Christian and believed in the Judeo-Christian god as spoken of in the bible. I figured if anyone could help me then god could.

For years I prayed, asked, and begged. After god was no help, I turned to other faiths and religions seeking the answer I needed. Was there a way for me to be normal? Could I be happy. Could my body be what I wanted?

I blamed god for the 'mistake' they made. The truth is though, and it has taken me this long to realize it, no mistake was made. I am who I am meant to be, I am a Transgender Woman. This isn't to say that I cannot improve, because I can and am striving to do so every day, despite various setbacks that occur.

With all this said, I blamed god for many years during my childhood and teenage years. I've realized though my life isn't a mistake and the truth is I don't know who created me. Do I still believe in the Judeo-Christian god as spoken of in the bible? No. Do I believe that God exists? Yes.

What do I mean by this? I believe that there is a God that created humans in their image. But are they as depicted as in the Bible? Probably not. The Bible has been used as an excuse for some very horrible actions. Understand I was raised as a Christian, so I speak about that religion in particular and not others.

For me, I was made to feel unwanted and was made to feel like I was never enough. I tried to fit in but found I could not. I was never good enough. And so I found myself blaming and hating god for what their followers did. After all, if this was the example I saw, why wouldn't I blame them?

I begged for them to fix me. For years I asked to be made whole. To be made complete. Nothing worked. It took me so long to realize that I wasn't broken because of my gender or even my sex. I'm still coming to terms with this. I'm still having to remind myself that I'm not broken.

I still struggle with my mental health and my self esteem. I still feel alone and unwanted. I still struggle to find my place in this world. The truth is though that blaming a higher power, whether that is a god or someone else, is much easier then coming to terms that you're not broken and that it's okay to be different. After all, who wants to be different?

Being different isn't fun. It's a pain. I'm part of a minority group that is picked on, bullied, refused service, fired, murdered, and commits suicide on a daily basis. I didn't choose to be this way. I am this way. I am transgender.

You may say that I chose to come out and you're right. The truth is though that toward the end of 2018, I was very close to suicide. I would be dead, truly dead, if I didn't seek out help from a therapist. I mentioned this previously but say so again because it's true.

I'm still struggling with mental health but I feel like it's important to share our stories, sometimes especially when they're hard to share.

I could blame some god over and over or I can decide to accept who I am and live my life. I've never been the best in living my own life for me, because I was never truly given the chance. I've mentioned previously about being attacked and going inward and shutting out the world.

This is important because it affects everything that you see. I am careful in what I do because I don't always know who I can trust. Being worried over who you can trust makes it hard for you to trust and, believe it or not, makes it harder for people to trust you.

I hid a huge part of me for so long that it's hard for me to be honest with both myself and others. Part of me is still that child blaming god because she believes something is wrong with her. Part of me wonders if it's worth getting up in the morning.

Part of me looks in the mirror and wonders why I bother. But the majority of me realizes I am truly beginning to love myself and who I am becoming. It's not perfect but I guess it's a start.

Yes, there are parts of me I don't like. Yes, there are parts of my personality I am looking to change. Yes, I don't like being afraid, but I am working on it. I'd like to be better at trusting people but, the truth is, I'm only human and I'm not perfect.

I've been hurt. It's hard being yourself when you never could be and you're still learning who you are. I'm trying, I really am, and I guess for now that has to be worth it. I could keep blaming god but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of that part of me that's afraid and that whispers I'll never be enough and that I should just quit trying. I'm tired of feeling alone in crowded rooms.

Maybe I'll never be the life of the party but that's okay. Being myself, learning who I am, that's enough. Even if I'm never truly accepted by others, as long as I accept myself that has to be enough. I have to keep looking forward because looking backward isn't working. I'm tired but I'm not giving up.

[sarahmariepoet]

Okay I'm a woman, but now what?

I have previously wrote how others see me but how do I see myself and what did it take for me to see myself as a woman?

I didn't just wake up one day and decide to be transgender. For me, I had always known even if I didn't have a word for it. It wasn't enough that I couldn't even look in the mirror. It wasn't enough that I was depressed to that point of being suicidal. That was my normal state of being and I was used to it.

No, what really pushed me over the edge was seeing another transgender woman who was happy. You see, media had portrayed transgender people and, in particular, transgender women in such negative lights for so long that I had started to believe it and couldn't see myself as ever being happy.

I had grown used to hating my own image in the mirror. I had grown used to hating parts of my body -- to the point of being very close to cutting certain parts off with scisors during puberty but not going through with it -- that I had gotten uses to hating myself and coming to the realization that I would never be happy.

This realization sunk into my subconscious and made me extremely depressed and emotionally standoffish. I couldn't trust anyone because I was alone and afraid of always being unhappy. I knew from the examples that media had chosen to show when I was growing up that I could never be happy.

It didn't matter that media was now starting to shift and show positive stories about transgender people, and even transgender women, because I had already had the negative examples forced down my throat. Anything that contradicted that just didn't make sense anymore.

No, what really pushed me over the edge was meeting another transgender woman who was happy. This was towards the end of last year. She was happy and living her life. I wondered if I could have that? I never told her I was transgender and there was also a transgender man and nonbinary person in our group at the time as well. I kept quiet because I still didn't feel worthy of being transgender.

That sounds silly right? But consider that I hadn't felt like I belonged in a long time. What right did I have to claim being transgender? What right did I have to claim to be a woman? It took me going to therapy and being truthful and honest to realize that not only did I have the right to claim these words and my gender but that I was and am a transgender woman who can be and is happy.

Now, this isn't to say I don't have moments of being sad and overwhelmed. I have days where I need to cry because I am very emotionally overwhelmed. There are times I need to go to the bathroom and just sob. Sometimes not even because of any specific reason. Sometimes it's just because I need a good cry.

This isn't a bad thing though. Being overwhelmed does happen. Recognizing this and having a good outlet helps. The problem is if you take out your emotions toward others in a negative way.

I've always been emotional and not sure how to express these emotions. The truth is I was never taught how to properly express my emotions. As a child, my dad told me it was okay to cry but not in front of others -- especially not in front of those who could hurt you or make fun of you.

In ny experience at the time, that was everyone around me. I began to believe I wasn't worthy of emotion. I want worthy of displaying or having them and so I hid them, burying them far below the surface.

If I didn't display my emotions, or even acted like I didn't have them, I was safe. The problem with this is that denying a part of you, especially a huge part of what makes you a complete person, only hurts you in the long run and takes away from who you are.

By denying my emotions I was denying myself, and in turn was playing right into the stereotype the world expected -- that of a boy who was unemotional and normal. But this wasn't normal, even for boys and men. This was harmful. This was wrong but I believed it and played that role.

Now, I played it for thirty one years. Even when I knew I was emotional I didn't know how to display these emotions properly. I would have outbursts of anger, and occasionally still do, because not displaying emotions properly leads to displaying them in negative and improper ways.

By meeting this other transgender woman, who was happy, and watching her I began to wonder if that could be me. Could I be happy? Could I truly be someone I wanted to be? Could I be me.

I needed to feel worthy of being happy. I needed to work past this feeling of shame of my emotions and my femininity. I needed to realize that femininity was not a bad word. I needed to recognize that not only did feeling feminine feel right but that I am feminine. I'm a woman and describing myself as feminine is not appropriation but, rather, claiming the right to be myself.

Now that I recognized this, I knew I had to go further. Okay I'm a woman, but now what? How do I behave as a woman? Is there a right way to be a woman? A wrong way? Sitting was easy. I had watched other women my whole life. What about voice? Mannerisms? Do I stop scratching an itch? Do I act all prim and proper? Do I just not care about that and act normally? What kind of woman do I want to be? What kind of woman am I?

The truth is I'm still figuring that out. If I gave an itch on my arm, I'll probably scratch it but I'm not going to be rude and scratch more private itches. Now, with that said, it did take me a moment to realize that wiping dirt off my shirt could be considered improper due to my breasts being there.

A lot of this I'm beginning to just do naturally. My walk has been feminine for years anyway so I just walk as I normally have been. My voice I've been slowly adjusting since the end of last year. My resting voice is still rather deep but I've been working on it as time has gone on.

I'm not sure how feminine verses masculine I want to be but I know I am feminine. I love finally being able to wear clothes that match to my own gender. I cross dressed for thirty one years (that is to wear clothes normally seen as for men) and I'm just enjoying being able to be myself and wear clothes meant for my own gender (that is clothes meant for a woman).

I've come to the realization that what others see about me isn't always as important as what I see about myself. I need to see myself as a woman. Once I started doing that, I realized that I become much happier and more confident. Again, this isn't to say I'm always outgoing or even always in a good mood.

I'm realizing that there are going to be days that I'm just tired and not up to socializing -- but, of course, having to work means needing to go out regardless -- but that it was okay to feel this way. I didn't and don't need to be the center of attention. I can just live my life and be myself.

I don't need to prove to others I'm a woman and I certainly don't need to prove to others my worth. I just need to be myself. That's it. That's all I need to do. Now that I have honestly been looking for and found myself I have no desire, need, nor want to go back to how or who I was pretending to be.

Being who I am is far more important and far better for me. Being Sarah, being myself, has made me feel better and stronger then pretending to be a man and pretending to be happy. Feeling happy for the first time in my life at thirty one has taught me the importance of self worth and being myself. This is a lesson that I want to be clear on: I can't and won't go back to pretending.

Now, this means I may stand out. I need to pee so I have to use the women's restroom. This may be dangerous depending on where I am but I have to go so I have to use it. Being myself means I need to be myself no matter where I am and, despite the danger, I'm going to be myself regardless of where I am.

I need to also see myself as a woman--because I am--regardless of where I am. For me, this has been the right and best decision. Not every transgender person can or does go full time. For me, it has been the best call but it has been scary and not at all easy. I've been afraid and concerned on how I'll be treated.

Overall though, and again each case is different (your mileage may vary), this has been the best decision I have made. Seeing myself as a woman and recognizing that I can be a woman regardless of where I am has allowed me to love myself more and be more comfortable with myself.

I need to remember at times that it's okay to be honest and emotional and even hug people. I remember as a teenager wanting to watch over the younger children at a church building my mom and I were at. One of the children need to go to the bathroom. I didn't see a reason to refuse them but was stopped and told I couldn't take them. I was confused. Why couldn't I? I was told it was 'because I was male and it was improper'. I immediately stopped volunteering there.

Can you imagine? Telling a teenager that. Now, looking back on it I can see why I was so offended. They called me a guy. They also assumed I would do something improper, which is a whole other issue, but let's focus on them calling me a guy and why I was so offended.

As a child and as a teenager, I knew I was a girl and not a boy. I didn't have words for it. I just knew. I would see a younger family member painting her nails and wanted to. Whenever she painted them, I would make sure I could watch, even though I never dared to try and use the nail polish I wanted to watch.

I loved playing with her toys. We didn't live together so at one point she stopped playing with them but I didn't know that and offered to play dolls with her. As a child, she made fun of me, because she didn't understand that I was also a young girl -- older than her, yes, but still a young girl.

I wanted to do normal feminine activities and be seen a young girl. Unfortunately, people didn't see that. Just as with the church group, I was constantly on the outside of both gender and people in general. Seen not quite a man but not quite a woman.

I knew I was a woman though. Years later, when the wife of a woman was giving me a ride to another church building, we started having a conversation about her period. She brought it up. I had no issue speaking about it because it felt natural but I stopped myself after a few moments because 'omg what am I doing, I'm a guy...right?'

I've dated men and women, although I have only dated men online, due to being afraid of how they might treat me 'if they knew' and because it was easier to be a woman online. With that said, all the women I have dated have been either bisexual or lesbians (a few looking for a 'safe option' as it were).

I wore my mom's clothing a few times as a child (and she caught me once of I recall correctly) but even with all this I still didn't know how to admit that I'm a woman or even how to start living as a woman. I was afraid that I could never be happy. The media had made that clear.

I would never be happy, right? I would never be able to be (and excuse me here) a "complete" and "real" woman. That's what I was told. It was bullshit. They were feeding me lies and I bought it because I didn't know any better. Seeing the other transgender woman gave me hope though.

Looking back, I'm sure she had her own issues she had to deal with, but seeing her happy made me realize that I could be happy. Yes, life may not be perfect but living my life makes it worth it. I don't need a perfect life, I just need my own life.

I am a real woman because I am a woman. I am a complete woman because I am a woman. I don't need to be able to give birth to be a woman. There are cis woman who cannot give birth and they are women. I'm a woman because I am and not because someone said I was at birth. I'm a woman. That's it. But now what?

What do I do from here? I live my life. I shave my legs because I enjoy the feeling (and because it's my choice to do so, not all women want to nor need to). I get up every day and love myself because I get to be who I am and not what the world expects me to be. I'm a woman and I'm happy.

[sarahmariepoet]

Living life

I have to say this because it's important: I am a woman. I am not broken. I am myself. I am not going anywhere. I am free. I am free to be me. I love myself. I love who I am. I am not cisgender. I am transgender and I love myself. I am proud of myself and who I am and who I am becoming. My depression and anxiety do not define me. I love myself.

With all this said, one of my biggest dreams has always been to be able to get pregnant. I would love to be able to carry a child in me. Unfortunately, the body I have is not physically able to do this.

Although science is making more discoveries in regards to gender and bodies in gender, the ability to put a womb--and safely conceive and carry a child to full term and have the child safely--in my body is a long way off. This means that, more then likely, I will never be able to conceive a child.

This doesn't mean I'm any less a woman though. There are cis women who are unable to conceive children. They aren't any less women then a woman who is able to have children.

With that said, yes, it was something I struggled with for years. I couldn't fathom transitioning only to never have a cis body and be unable to fulfill this need that I still struggle with.

The truth of the matter was that I couldn't perceive being happy by transitioning. It wasn't that I only wanted to be pregnant, it was that I wanted to be happy. Being a cis female wouldn't make me happy if I still had to deal with depression and anxiety, which wouldn't magically disappear either.

This is something that I have had to consider and deal with while I am transitioning. Is coming out at work making me happy? To my family? To my friends? Not completely. Being honest with myself and coming out to me is making me happy. Yes, transitioning privately and publicly helps with that, but I started admitting this to myself fully prior to the hormones and prior to coming out publicly. Yes, I took hormones prior to publicly coming out, but that was my choice based on dealing with myself and realizing what was best for me.

What is making me happy is being honest with myself. I am far more happy with myself being myself. I had this discussion with my family recently. I can't continue to pretend to be a man. It physically and mentally hurts and drains me to pretend in such a way. Everytime I'm forced to pretend another part of me dies.

I may not be a cis woman but to pretend that I am not a woman hurts me more deeply in my soul then any other lie I've ever told or been told. To tell that lie literally sets me down a path of depression and anxiety, a path that would have ultimately led to my death.

This is important to mention because everytime someone calls me 'sir' it makes me wonder and question if I'm enough. Am I doing enough? Am I a fraud? I know I'm not and that I'm a woman but I still wonder. I wonder because of a lack of self esteem. I wonder because what if I'm not enough? What if I thought I could do this but I find I can't? Yes, I love myself and yes I'm strong but am I strong enough? Can I do this? Can I be myself?

I want to say yes but what if I'm wrong and what if those suicidal thoughts come back? The truth is that they never truly left. They're there in the back of mind haunting me because I don't know what to do besides to live as myself and hope that I find this happiness and love that has alluded me so.

Everytime someone calls me my birth name this darkness, this depression, reminds me I'm not good enough. Everytime someone mentions they know I'm transgender in a negative light. Everytime someone gives me pitying looks. Everytime I'm treated differently to a cis woman. Everytime someone makes a comment that I'm 'clearly a man'. Everytime someone shakes my hand roughly but wouldn't do so with a cis woman. Everytime people ignore me in conversations. Everytime I die a little inside.

These are real feelings that I experience because of this inability to be myself. These are issues I struggle with. This isn't meant to be stated for pity though. No, this is to point out that saying and doing these things can and will negatively impact others. I know not everyone can understand what transgender people go through. Understand though that we want to be treated with respect.

Calling me my preferred name but treating me like a man doesn't help either though. I've seen how people look at me and how they react to my presence and though there are people I know that have been positive there are certainly negative interactions as well.

The next time you see a transgender person in the bathroom act normally. They probably aren't interested in causing a scene or causing any issues any more then you are. You know what they want? To pee and poop in peace. That's it. Go in there, do your business, wash and dry your hands, then leave. That's what they want too.

Conversation in restrooms is fine--if that's what you do normally--but don't treat them differently and, certainly, dont leave the bathroom immediately upon seeing them in there or refuse to do anything and stare them down until they leave. That's just awkward for everyone.

The same goes for names and pronouns. You wouldn't bring up a married (or divorced) woman's old name, right? So why bring up a transgender person's birth/dead name? Whether they have changed it legally yet or not, respect their name. It's important because it helps them identify as themselves and not how they had to pretend to portray before. Help make them comfortable and happy.

As for pronouns, it's the same thing. Imagine that you wake up one day and everyone is using the wrong pronouns for you, despite you telling them the correct ones. They just refuse to use the right ones! Wouldn't that make you upset? Wouldn't that cause you distress?

Now, we are all aware that mistakes may happen. Don't make a huge deal over tiny mistakes. Either apologize and move on or commit (privately) to yourself to do better. Don't make a huge scene either. That just makes it worse and places them on the spot.

Above all else treat the transgender person just as you would any other person of their gender. This means treat a transgender man (someone identifying as a man) as you would treat any other man, a transgender woman (someone identifying as a woman) as you would treat any other woman, and a nonbinary person as you would treat any other human being.

For example, women have a certain way that they speak to and treat other women. Cis women, don't treat a transgender woman any differently. Help her out, offer her advice respectfully and privately (or in a group of other women if appropriate), let her know if her skirt rode up, ask her if she's okay or if she needs a hug. Don't hesitate to help her out when and if she needs it. Notice her bra strap is showing? Let her know discreetly. Her tag hanging out from the back of her shirt? Let her know or tuck it in discreetly just as you would for a cis woman. These are all things cis women have done for other women and a transgender woman is no different.

The same can be said for how you should treat transgender men and nonbinary people. Treat them as you would anybody and respect them and their identities. Don't hesitate to treat people as you normally would, regardless of how they identify, and treat them as you would anyone else who identifies the same.

I think the importance here is not treating someone differently just because they're different than you. A transgender person may not have had the same experience as you in behaving how they're gender identity behaves but that doesn't mean they are any less a part of their gender identity. It's important to remember that they're actively trying to be themselves and may not even know what that means yet.

If they're on hormones, like I am, there may be times they say or do something stupid. Anytime hormones get involved there is a chance a person will act differently then you're used to them acting. The same can be said about any big change though. This doesn't mean you need to give them space though. Giving someone too much space after you've been close or treating them a certain way then suddenly treating them differently can have a negative impact as well.

For example, I am very intune to the emotional state of those around me. If someone suddenly treats me different, I am far more likely to take it personal and wonder what I did wrong. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes this is detrimental.

Not everyone has an issue with--or even cares--about what one person does. With that said, there are times you can tell how one person is treated differently to everyone else and figure out why. I think this happens because people don't know how to treat transgender people. How do you handle someone who changes everything you thought you knew about them?

How does that affect you? Short answer. It doesn't. People change all the time. The difference is you thought this person was one gender and it turns out you were wrong. That's scary, right? Now imagine it from their perspective. They don't want to be the center of attention. I know I didn't and still don't.

Now imagine having to change at work, at school, coming out to family, worrying about name changes and gender markers on IDs, whether or not health insurance will cover normally-gendered medical issues (e.g. testicular or ovarian cancers) if you change your gender marker, being thrown out of businesses, their home, losing their jobs, or even being killed for being transgender. Do you accept these risks and no longer lie or cover up your identity for the chance to be happy by admitting and being yourself?

These are all things that transgender people have to consider and go through. So yes, my name is Sarah and I'm transgender and I want to be and am happy. It's not perfect. I'm not perfect. This is my life and it's certainly not perfect but it is my life. And you know what? I'm living it.

[sarahmariepoet]

Internalized Phobias

I've wrote before about growing up in Baltimore City. I mentioned that I had to be careful with what I had to say. A lot of that has to do with being worried about what others might think of me.

I had to take on learned behaviors based on those around me. For example, as a child and a teenager, I did not naturally look at anyone sexually. After noticing my 'friends' looking at women's breasts, and being teased because I did not, I began to force myself to do so.

Now, this isn't to say I wasn't attracted to other people. I was and am attracted to people of all genders. For me though, it isn't about sexual attraction but rather romantic and spiritual attraction first. Of course, this isn't to say I have not found someone physically attractive but this isn't usually my natural first thought.

Now, in time I did train myself to do such 'male' behaviors as seen in this group of young teenagers that I hung out with as a kid. Now, having come out as myself, I find I need to untrain myself, as it were, of these behaviors that kept me safe and stealth as I pretended to be a guy.

This is a weird way to think of it but a lot of behaviors are learned and it is hard to unlearn those behaviors when you grew up being told to behave in a certain way. For example, I loved giving and receiving hugs but was taught from learned behavior that 'guys don't do that' and despite knowing I was and am a woman I still have moments of trying to unlearn the behaviors that told me not to do that.

This is a very real issue that needs to be addressed though. A lot of these learned behaviors can become toxic if left unchecked. For example and to my utter shame, a previous boss of my mine at a security job I used to work at, said in front of another transgender woman (paraphrasing), "Whatever their sexual organ is determines their gender, they're a guy" and I kept quiet as this fellow person was dehumanized.

I truly wish I would have spoken up and have about similar incidents since then. Unfortunately, I was so deeply in the closet and had this internalized transphobia that kept me from speaking up. I truly wish I would have spoken up but I didn't because of my own shame and my own internalized transphobia.

This internalized hatred, because that's what it is, kept me from growing as a person and speaking out against what I knew was wrong, because I was afraid of being the person that was pointed at and made fun of. I was afraid of being myself because I knew, I knew, things would change and I would be different. I would be the very person that others made fun of.

This was scary because I had seen what hatred did. I had lived it. I didn't want to be made fun of. I didn't want to live in fear. The truth was I already lived in fear. I didn't stand up for my fellow woman that day because I was afraid. I didn't stand up for myself because I was afraid.

I was afraid of being myself because I was afraid of what it would mean. If I was truly myself, what would happen? Would I be accepted? Would I accept myself? Would I be able to live without being made fun of? Would I be attacked? Would I be able to live in peace? Would I be happy? Would I be afraid?

These questions kept me up at night. Depression and anxiety were normal for me. Happiness was not. Happiness was scary. My own fear kept me from growing. My fears kept me from speaking out. My own fears kept me from protecting those who I knew needed protection. Not because they were weak but because I knew what they were feeling because I feel the same.

This is important. I'm not some man pretending to be a woman. I'm a woman who has always been a woman. I feel the same as any other woman, but I am my own person. I am not some weird person who doesn't know who they are. I've always known who I am but due to pressure from those 'friends', my then boss, and others before and since, I was afraid and prevented myself from being myself.

It's not so much odd now that I look back on it, but replacing the image of this 'guy' that everyone else saw with a woman puts things into more perspective. I was overlooked for promotions, while guys who were unqualified and knew much less were promoted over me. I was ignored in crowds and talked over as if I wasn't there.

This isn't to say that I didn't do things I knew were wrong. I 'had' to emulate guy behavior to 'fit in' and be accepted as a 'man'. The funny thing, at least to me, is I never truly did fit in as a guy and I think people around me, in some way, picked up on that -- whether subconsciously or not.

Now that I am out as myself, I can also see how people treat me now compared to before. People either treat me as a human being, or as if I'm made of glass, or they are completely rude. Some of this is suprising and some of it is not.

I've still had people talk about me as if I'm not there. I've still had people treat me rudely and I've still had moments where I have to question why I did something. I've realized that being yourself doesn't automagically [get it?] make everything perfect either. There will be times when you say or do something that makes you question why you said that.

There will also be times when you feel indestructible and on top of the world. The key here is that I've felt better much more and longer now then I ever did in the past. Don't get me wrong, experiencing emotions is much different now that I have begun to allow myself to experience them again -- now that I've truly begun to open myself up and allowed myself to experience them.

I've had moments where I've cried over something so small that it makes no sense that I'm crying over it (and bathroom trips to do just that) but I've also experienced more joy over small things (and not so small things) then I ever truly have. I've allowed myself to grow and learn (and relearn) new behaviors, or rather natural behaviors that I had to hide as a child, (and unlearn previously learned negative behaviors) as I realize I can finally be myself.

I've had to remind myself that it's okay to smile and act silly because I don't have to hide it. I don't have to pretend to be a guy because people already know I'm a woman. I don't have to pretend not to like a dress over pants. I can wear makeup -- and a guy could like these things too -- but I don't have to pretend to not like these things 'to fit in' because of some outdated and stupid view of manliness. Because, despite knowing I was never a man, I still had to train myself to behave as one -- or rather as men were seen when I was growing up.

This toxic masculinity, which is what it was, permeated into my behaviors and made me question myself. These questions affected who I am and how I behaved. This is what lead me to behaving as I did. This is what prevented me from being myself. These learned behaviors are what led me to being suicidal, because I couldn't be myself.

This is why it is so important that we speak up for ourselves and others. I wonder what happened to the other woman I saw that day. I may never know but, if you ever read this, I'm truly sorry I didn't speak up. I should have. For you. For me. For all of us. This is why I can't be afraid anymore. I need to speak up so our voices are no longer silenced.

The sad truth is that transgender people are at a higher risk of suicide and murder. We are often hunted for being different. This makes it hard for us to not be afraid of being ourselves and living our lives. People have asked why so many of us seem to be 'more common' now but I don't think there are more transgender people now, I think it's that we aren't 'going stealth' (that is to seem cisgender for protection or otherwise) as much and a lot of us are choosing to have our voices heard.

Going stealth isn't wrong though. Many transgender people have perfectly valid reasons to do so. My choice of openly coming out has many risks. There are negatives to this. I have to fear going out or even using the bathroom. I am sure anyone reading this has heard of transgender people, usually transgender women (that is people assigned male at birth -- AMAB) being attacked or killed for simply using the bathroom.

Many people fear that which they don't understand. Part of this is accusing people who are different then them of crimes or perceived crimes. Many states and places around the world don't recognize transgender people as even being people. There are some places I can't go to without being dehumanized, treated as a criminal, or even murdered. When you take a plane, for example, the person at that counter presses a button based on what gender they think you are and that lights up certain areas for heat detection. If they guess wrong, you're pulled aside and questioned.

These are all things I may experience one day and things that other transgender people have experienced. Relatively speaking, I'm still rather young in my transition and still experiencing new things every day. Wearing a seat belt now, for example, was an adjustment. How do I position it, etc. Wearing a dress was different but I like it. Wearing fingernail polish was nervewracking but I did it. Coming out was nervewracking but I did it. Telling my boss was really nervewracking but I did it.

Going out being myself is nervewracking too but not as much as it was to live a lie. This is what makes this so important. As kids we are told not to lie, but then when those of us who are LGBTQIA+ admit who we are we are often told to keep quiet and tell no one. To lie. To lie about who we are and to tell no one -- otherwise we may embarrass or upset others.

This leads to the internalized hatred, the internalized phobia, and in my case the internalized transphobia that can lead to depression, anxiety, self destructive behaviors, and eventual suicide that we see in so many of our community. This is why it is important we bring up that this isn't some trend. We aren't pretending and we aren't going away.

The inconvenient truth is that we are human and we deserve the same love, respect, and rights as anyone else. We do not deserve to be treated different simply based off of who we are. We certainly don't deserve to be told we should hate ourselves, whether by words, learned behaviors, or actions.

[sarahmariepoet]

Fitting in

Not feeling like I fit in has been something I've struggled with my whole life. I've always felt like something is wrong. First, I wasn't like other little girls. Second, growing up I had a lot of questions and was even punished in school for 'asking too many questions'.

This led me to understand that I had to keep these questions inside. The more I showed myself the more I was made fun of. I realized that being yourself was bad. Obviously this isn't true, but it was the lessons I was taught as a child.

If I showed my femininity, I was bullied and ridiculed. If I tried to be masculine, it failed miserably and I ended up looking like a fool. I tried being a man. I wasn't good at it. Looking back, no surprise there.

Being attacked by the first male in my life that I had a crush on didn't help either, of course. The thing that hurt the most about that is that there was no reason for me to be attacked, other then this male and his friend being fearful and hateful. It didn't have to happen but it did.

The worst part though is that I blamed myself. 'Why didn't I just say no' 'Why did I go with them', etc.. All this blame that I put on myself made me resentful and hate myself. This hate that I felt caused me to shut myself off from the world.

From then on I barely went outside, barely did anything, besides use the computer. I was hurting. I was alone. This attack caused me to revert back into myself and not trust others. I was eventually forced to get a job 'because it is good for you' but I never truly stopped being afraid or even leading my own life.

No. Others used the excuse of letting god control my life, while they themselves were truly leading my life. I wasn't happy. I was depressed. I was sad. I was suicidal. No one really focused on the root causes. They wanted to pave over the ground and ignore what was below.

The problem with this is that it doesn't fix the root cause, but rather ignores it and acts like everything is fine. As such I never truly got to be myself. From the age range of sixteen to seventeen all the way to thirty one, I wasn't allowed to control my own life. I had to follow what others told me 'for my own good'. I wasn't trusted to live my own way or look after my own wellbeing.

At the same time, not one person sat with me to truly ask what was wrong. No. It was always about them or what was happening in the present. Meanwhile, here I was stuck in this moment in time, the past, that had--to this very day--such a large impact on my life.

This is a scary thought but this is what happens every day. We ignore the true root causes of people's depression and anxiety. I'll probably struggle with these feelings my whole life, but I'm tried of letting them control me.

As a child, I was very emotional. I was told not to cry in front of people. I was told to hide my emotions. Now, I struggle with an emotional block. Now, when I do display emotions, they don't always come out properly. I have a hard time connecting with other people because I have a hard time connecting to my own emotions.

Life would be easier if we didn't have to deal with things like this. It would be a whole lot easier if we didn't have to hide ourselves to fit in. It would also be a lot easier if people didn't try to control our lives, using religion or faith as an excuse.

But people do, they use this excuse to make themselves feel better. They try and control others to make themselves feel superior to those they treat with disrespect. Those that they look down upon.

It is easy to ignore when someone around you is hurting because you don't want to see it or because you believe you're superior. This isn't limited to religion though. Understand though when I speak of religion, I don't mean faith. Faith is between you and the entity you believe in. Religion is a man made set of rules and regulations.

Even people who don't believe in religion can control others, but for me it was those that stated they believed in the same god that I at the time did who treated me the worse. They tried to control my life and my reactions. They ignored my root hurt while focusing on the surface hurt.

No one truly tried to find why I was hurting. I suppose, looking back on it, this was a good thing. Even before being attacked, no one asked why I was upset or emotional. I knew I was a girl just as I know I am a woman. I knew this back then just as I know this now.

I prayed long before being attacked for god to make me a woman. I looked toward all sorts of deities and other supernatural sources for this instant change that I hoped was out there. Nothing brought me closer to this. I read transgender instant change stories and hoped that something would grant me this.

Looking back on it, I realize I have always been a woman. I realize that my brain is that of a woman. My body may not match completely but I realize who I am on the inside matters more then who I am on the outside. That's what we were always told as kids, right?

This is why when I finally sought out therapy on my own and truly began to accept myself I knew I couldn't keep pretending. First I had to find somewhere to live. I needed to be safe. I needed to feel safe. I needed to know that I was somewhere that I could be myself. I needed to be Sarah. I am Sarah. I've known that for years but I was afraid to show it.

It's strange because, even now, I have trouble displaying parts of myself that are feminine. I'm out and wear a skirt regularly but I have moments of 'I can't do that, they'll realize I'm transgender!' which is odd because, like I'm said, I'm out so there's no hiding it but I still have moments where I'm afraid of how others will treat me.

Still though, I can't go back. I can't pretend to be a man. I can't. I won't. People may look at me strangely like I'm some half male half female hybrid, which I'm not, but I need to be myself. Even when I'm constantly misgendered or talked down to--or about like I don't exist--I need to be myself so I can live. If I couldn't be myself, if I couldn't be who I am, I wouldn't be alive right now. I would be dead. This isn't an exaggeration nor me seeking anyone's pity. This is me speaking my truth about who I am and why I'm here. I don't need pity and I'm not looking for it.

What I am looking for is to be treated as both a woman and as a human being. I'm tired of being misgendered every day and being treated as if my life means less because I'm transgender. I'm tried of people talking about me, in front of me, negatively and acting as if this is normal. It's not. It isn't right to treat me differently than others simply because I'm transgender.

I'm not evil. I'm not going to infect you or your loved ones. I'm a human being who deserves love and respect and decency like everyone else does. I shouldn't have to spell this out. I shouldn't have to ask to use the bathroom or be afraid that I'm going to be killed because I need to pee. That's not right. It's never been right.

Yet, they do this to others and make people feel less because we are who we say we are. They've done it before and they're doing it again. Someday people will treat others with respect and we won't have to fight for the basic right to live as ourselves without worry of attack or hatred.

Unfortunately, I don't know when that day will come. What I do know is that I'm tried of hiding myself. I accept that I have to take the good and the bad, regardless of what others may think of me.

[sarahmariepoet]

Coming Out

Coming out can be the scariest thing for anyone. I'm a transgender woman. My pronouns are She/Her/They/Them, but I tend to only tell people She/Her because it's easier.

I'm thirty two years old, caucasian, live with a supportive friend/roommate, and have a car to get to and from work. I mention this to state that, for me, these things factored into making it easier in some aspects for me to be able to come out.

With that said, I didn't always have the notion that I could be myself and be happy. I was born in 1987 and grew up in the nineties in Baltimore City. While where I grew up wasn't the hood by any stretch of the imagination, we most definitely didn't understand what being transgender was and, when it was brought up, it was usually in a negative or inappropriate manner.

I wasn't going to just come out to my Christian family when I wasn't even sure of my place in the world. I certainly wasn't going to come out when the first girl I had a date with left me for my best friend. Certainly not when the first guy I liked attacked me with his best friend.

No. None of those times were right. After being attacked, I spiraled into a depression and was close to suicide a number of times, but especially when I was younger. With that said, from the time that I was 17 until the end of last year, I didn't control my life. Oh, I had aspects of control, but I didn't truly control my life until the end of last year.

What changed? I met another transgender woman who was happy. Truly happy. Seeing her happy made me realize that I could have that. I could be happy. I wanted to be happy. I needed to be happy. Happiness is often overlooked by people who don't understand what it is like to suffer from depression and anxiety.

I have had depression and anxiety most of my life, certainly nearly all of my adult life. Someone once asked me why I didn't just come out. This is why. Depression over not being myself and anxiety (and fear) of being attacked again over being different.

Being different can suck a lot. I know. I'm pansexual and transgender. I'm not considered normal by any stretch of the imagination. That's okay though. Being different is fine though. Being different isn't a terrible thing. It's just different.

People often say we should recognize our differences but do they truly understand what that means? For me, that's understanding why people are different and considering all possible reasons and then accepting them for who they are, without hesitation and without regret.

Being a friend is like that. I've lost many friends over the years because of my differences and my inability to be myself. It wasn't that I didn't want to be their friend, it was that I was unable to be because I didn't know myself. How could I truly be someone's friend when I didn't even know who I was?

So, end of last year I met this transgender woman. I see that she is happy and I'm jealous, yes jealous, because she has something I want. Happiness. She's happy. I had seen cis people who were happy, but she was the first transgender woman I saw who was truly and utterly happy. I wanted that.

So what did I do? I went to a therapist. I had hoped and prayed they would tell me I wasn't transgender. I didn't want to be different. I didn't even know what happy was. I knew I wanted it though.

The therapy sessions didn't make me happy at first though. They made me think. No one ever told me I was transgender either. I had to realize that and tell them. The therapist already knew, of course, but I had to tell them. I even sought out a therapist who specialized in gender therapy, because why not? Surely they could tell me what was wrong with me.

The truth? Nothing was ever wrong with me. I'm just different. My brain is that of a woman and my body is that of a man. I don't need to be like other people. Being myself is enough. Being myself is perfect, even when I'm not perfect.

It was the end of last year that I sought out therapy and a few months after that when I started hormones. Understand though, hormones are not required to be transgender. People are valid regardless of their choice.

For me personally though, I started hormones before coming out. For me, it helped my mood. I was close to suicide, remember? I was truly to the point that I had to do something. I had to seek help. I had to be myself. If I didn't seek that help, there was a real chance I wouldn't be here today.

I mention this because I know there are others out there who need to hear this. Coming out isn't easy and it won't be perfect. There will be good things and bad things that happen because of it. What you need to hope for is that, no matter what, you come out stronger then when you started.

I have experienced more emotions and more happiness since I started accepting myself. The hormones may help but they aren't everything. I've had to tell my family. I've had some family that don't accept me and some that do. It isn't easy. You may find some people don't care and yet others, for whatever reason, care too much.

I've had people ask me if I ever want to get 'the surgery' and my answer is always this: I don't know. Why? Because it doesn't matter. I mention this though because people will ask. They will be nosy. They will be offended if you don't answer. You don't have to answer though. You have every right to tell them it's none of their business. It's your life, not theirs.

People often care about what goes on in the pants/skirt/etc. of transgender people. Let someone ask that of a cis person and there is an issue though. Not that it is right to ask a transgender person either. It isn't. Personally, I just don't care. I'm fine answering personal questions if someone asks respectfully, not that it's any of their business anyway.

I've had a woman look to her husband and, behind a piece of paper, say, "That's a man, you can tell by the voice." Excuse me? Rude. Yet, people tend to think of us as less then we truly are. They view us as attractions. Like we don't matter or as if we don't exist. This isn't right but it happens.

With all that said, it isn't all bad. We do exist and we are being recognized more and more. I'm out fully and my job knows, obviously. Coming out at a place you already work is odd too. It's sometimes feels like I'm viewed as half a woman sometimes. Half in one corner and half in another.

I'm not quite recognized as a woman, yet they use my chosen name out of respect or otherwise. It isn't perfect but it's probably progress. There are always going to be issues though.

For example, I have learned that, when setting a date to come out, be as specific as possible and mention a date. You know that nightmare of showing up as yourself and no one knows or says anything? Happened to me. I lived through it though and came out stronger because of it.

Healthcare treats us about the same as anyone else. My healthcare provider sent out a letter when I lived with my family, prior to coming out to them, addressed (by hand) with my chosen name. I, honestly, thought I was getting thrown out that day. Thankfully, my family and I worked it out.

Life isn't perfect though. I still have issues that take a lot of time to work through. I'm still digesting everything and working through them and learning to love myself.

I think that's why it's important to come out though. By recognizing yourself, you begin to truly love yourself. After all, how can you love yourself if you don't know yourself?

[sarahmariepoet]

Life

Life is confusing. I feel and know that I'm a woman. I'm transgender, so I'm a transgender woman. I know this. I also feel nonbinary too. I know that genderfluid can also describe me.

Yet, I know I am a woman too. I know that other transgender women have said they're nonbinary as well. Yet, I feel weird because I feel like I'm not 'being loyal' to one label or group.

I know that labels are just tools to help describe us and not a requirement. I get that it is possible to be described by more then one label as well. I'm just so confused because my brain is making me cry from all this realization.

On top of that, with the letter situation my life has been irratating and difficult. Add on top of that pronouns and I'm a mess. Right now, I don't feel worthy of any of the pronouns.

Yet, pronouns are just words. Logically, I know I'm feeling a disconnect because I'm emotionally drained. Still, I am getting better. Writing these out helps me. I realize that I don't need permission from other people to feel how I do but being able to write this down makes me feel better.

I know I'm a woman and that the estrogen will help me live my life how I want to. I also know that I have nonbinary aspects as well. I prefer She/Her over the other pronouns but the others don't bother me either. It does bother me when people ignore aspects of me, but I realize that people tend to want to fit everything into a certain binary as well.

I just don't feel that way though. This is why I find pronouns so weird. I'm a woman. I know this. I still have days where I feel outside the gender binary though. That makes me a transgender woman and nonbinary. I also have days where I'm fine with other pronouns too.

As I said, life is confusing.