seabunnyblues

[seabunnyblues]

[seabunnyblues]

I dreamt about you again last night. sometimes it feels like I dream about you every night -- maybe because I still think about you when I see the wildflowers on the side of the road and when I pick up the pretty pieces of chert from the creek. you never liked flowers and you never liked rocks, even when they were your favorite colors. and yet, here I am, picturing you loving me for me and loving my hobbies as much as I love them.

I dreamt of a romantic night with you. We were home and you were happy. WE were happy. because we were together, right? the way you smiled at me made me forget why I was so angry with you -- it made me forget why I hated you. the way you held me to your chest, pet my hair, and kissed the top of my head because you thought I was beautiful, you thought it was sweet how much I loved you -- how all I could do was bury my face in your chest because I knew if I let go, you'd leave me. for just a minute, I forgot what it was like to feel alone. for a minute, I remembered what it felt like to listen to your heart beat and feel your chest rising up and down as you breathed. for a minute, I remembered what it felt like to be yours.

you cleaned my hair. your fingers combed through my curls, smooth like silk as you detangled each and every knot and snag in my hair. you lathered the shampoo in my hair, massaged my scalp, and rinsed it clean and conditioned my hair.

and while the conditioner set in my hair, you looked down at me like I was your world, like I held the stars behind my eyes and all you wanted to do was sit and stare, searching for each constellation you could remember. you held me like I was your most prized possessions. you saw me for me; you saw the blemishes and scabs on my face -- you know how anxious I get, I can't help but pick at my skin. you saw the yellow of my teeth and the acne scars on my chin. but you also saw the way I looked at you -- just like the way I dreamt you looked at me. you saw my smile and my eyes light up when I caught your gaze. you saw the love in my eyes and how my unruly locks fall before them. you couldn't resist the urge to play with my curls, no matter how much I protested that they'd get frizzy because you loved letting the corkscrews coil around your finger and watch them spring back into place.

and as the warm water cascaded around us, all I could think to do was hide my face in your chest. and for the first time, you laughed. but it wasn't at me this time -- you were laughing with me. you weren't laughing at my annoyance and you weren't stonewalling me with your stoicism. you laughed because you knew how much I cared, how flustered your gaze made me.

I dreamt last night that, for the first time, that you had loved me -- really loved me. you didn't love poking and prodding me like a circus animal, waiting to get a reaction. you didn't deny the emotional intimacy that I craved like a drug. instead, you wanted to see me happy. you wanted to see me laugh, to be happy, to be loved and held, kissed and taken care of. you wanted me to be safe.

I loved you. I loved your company and I loved your smile and the way you sang along to the radio. I loved listening to you dream about the future, about getting a home, playing music, working your dream job. you were ambitious, you were a dreamer, you knew what you wanted and how to get it.

but you didn't feel the same about me. when I sang, you ignored me. I thought we had a mutual love in nature but when I tried to share it with you, you turned up your nose. boring is what you said. the world is full of flowers, bugs, animals, rocks, everything even more beautiful than the last. but that was boring.

you didn't seem to understand that I didn't need anything special. I don't need jewelry, money, an expensive dinner. I wanted to play with you in the creek, laugh and splash around while I looked for the perfect piece of chert. your favorite color. sunset orange. I wanted to see the world with you, the only thing holding us together being our intertwined hands as we explored what our home had to offer.

it's sad though. after begging for your love and affection, the only way I could get it was by dreaming up a replica, an imposter. I had to dream of a you that didn't exist -- or has yet to exist. I know I'd never get what I wanted, even if I asked you, bribed you, begged you.

and as you rinsed the conditioner from my hair and the water flooded down my face, I shut my eyes, burying my face in your chest, your skin warm against my cheek and your heart beating steadily in my ear. and when I opened my eyes once more, you were gone and I was awake, alone in bed, with nothing but myself and the faint memory of your lips on mine.

[seabunnyblues]

I don't think anyone can truly recover from losing their childhood pets. even if they've been gone for ten or so years, there's always going to be that hole in your heart where your first baby lived and no matter how much time passes, no matter how many more pets you bring into your life to love and cherish, you'll still feel that pang from your childhood.

on the nights I can't sleep, I think about when I was 5 and asked my parents to scour the house for our cat, Marty. I couldn't sleep without him because he was the one that kept me safe from the monsters I thought were out to get me. he was the one who kept me warm and purred until I fell asleep. even on nights where he tried to hide from our little ritual, when my mom and dad found him and tucked him in with me, he still stayed when I fell asleep. he was the kind of cat that would always purr, no matter what you did; you could pick him up, ruffle his belly, play with his feet, and he'd just purr and purr and purr. he passed away when I was about 10 when I first joined 6th grade.

our other cat, Church, I remember hearing about the day we got her. she was a stowaway -- after picking me up from my grandma's house when I was 2, my mom was driving home when she stood up on the steering wheel. she was a beautiful, petite little tortie with the biggest attitude. unlike Marty, she liked to keep her distance and let you admire her from afar. she was spunky, she was loud, she had an attitude, and even though she was a bitch, I loved her so much. she passed away when I was about 15, right after finishing my freshman year.

I've just turned twenty-one. and every day, I think about my cats -- my first true loves -- and how I wish I could give them one last kiss on the forehead or one last belly rub. believe it or not, I miss how temperamental my tortie was -- I miss when she'd bite me for petting her wrong and I miss when she'd hang out in the backyard with us and bring us birds and bunnies.

no matter how old I get -- no matter how much time passes -- I'll always remember my childhood pets and grieve what we used to have. and I think that's such a beautiful thing -- to be able to love someone or some thing that, no matter how long its been, a piece of your first love will always be with you.

[seabunnyblues]

not only that but the main antagonists are a bunch of ancient Roman fanboys!!

I love playing as a female courier because she's always this deadly force of chaos who takes down the legion singlehandedly. you guys talk a lot of shit for someone who can't even take down a woman with an anti-material rifle and brain damage🤣

fallout new Vegas has the funniest protagonist ever?? the other games are like 'you're from a vault looking for your dad!' or 'you're a dad looking for your lost baby!' and then FNV rocks up with 'brain-damaged gunshot victim claws out of a grave and sprints towards Vegas' like???? girl what is happening in Nevada