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[selelunars]

What were you doing last year?

So, with March already rolled in, it is already a year since we recorded our first positive case of coronavirus. A lot has happened, from fully living at home for a year (a personal record for me) and the country earning silver plate in the number of cases. It's safe to say it has been a year since we live normally, a year since we first time hearing the top #1 2020's lie: "It's only going to be two weeks worth of lockdown!"

Why don't we go back and reminisce about our last normal week?

I remember coming home for the weekend despite my final projects were on the highest flow because it would be my sister's birthday at fourth. At that time, the first case had been recorded but no action had been made as we still took the matter lightly, we only got our temperature checked but there was no mask necessary. Heck, even big events like Big Bad Wolf was still open! It was my family's annual routine and we went there to celebrate my sister's birthday, followed by her birthday lunch in IKEA.

People barely wore a mask that day, as it was told masks were prioritized for the sick. I could still walk around the book aisles with lots of other visitors, then dine out without being scared of the virus might be in my utensils or the air I was breathing. That day, I still thought the virus was some sort of small shits we would get over like other flu, because of how late it came into the country.

Shits started to get down when I came back to Jatinangor after the weekend was over. There were no restrictions yet and I still went out until 11 PM to finish my final projects, but the /news/ got bigger. The numbers kept on adding up, and dare I say, it was adding up exponentially. Oop.

Since the government hadn't issued anything yet, we were not /THAT/ worried about our daily activities. That Thursday, we attended class just like usual, then saying bye as we parted way after class. It was just like any other class.

Until that weekend my project partner said she was too scared to go out for our usual meeting, opting to work in our room via phonecall. That day I was relieved because I hate going out of my room in general. So for the whole weekend, I was working in my room without any worries about the virus.

Then the news came. My campus decided to put a two weeks lockdown, no one could come in and no one could come out. And again, that day I was relieved because it meant I didn't have to go to a physical meeting.

I thought I would be given the rest from people. One that I badly needed during the period.

But the thing was: once I left my room for home on the Tuesday after the announcement, I never once thought that I wouldn't come back. That I never have a proper goodbye with my classmates, that I never have a proper goodbye with the routine.

I guess pandemic hits the class of 2020 harder than it hits other people.

[selelunars]

So... there’s flood.

I used to like rain, thinking it's some sort of peaceful period where no one would ask me to go outside for an errand. Or the perfect moment to be curled up under my blanket with warm tea while reading good stories online. It used to make me feel content. 

But now, I don't know how I feel about rain. 

That night, I slept with rain pouring super hard. I was sleeping in my sister's room and the windows were much closer to the bed compared to mine, so I could hear the sound of rain against the window. I thought, "this is super loud. Probably because the window is much closer to the bed." So I just prayed and closed my eyes. 

On the next morning, it was dark when I woke up to my sister opening the door widely. I never turn off my lights. The first thing I heard in the morning was her panicked squeal, "Kak! Banjir!" It took me a moment to register what was going on, checking the clock on my phone then head downstairs. The lights were already got cut. So the scary rain was not because of the location of the window, it was indeed scary. When I peeked outside, I saw the water already reached my garage, which was the highest compared to all the rains we had this rainy season. 

All I could think of during that time was praying for the rain to stop pouring and the water would stop getting higher. Please don't let it get inside the house. Long story short, we also had this similar moment last year, right on new year's eve where the water got inside my house. So all I wanted at that time was for it to not be worse than what we experienced the year before. 

But the rain didn't stop and the water started to get in around 4.30 AM. 

At first, we did minimum damage control, thinking the worst that could be happening was the height from last year. We moved all the important stuff to the second floor, then we rest a bit. It didn't last long, though. The water got higher, and soon we had half of the first floor of the house moved upstairs. It was already morning, the sun was out, but the rain didn't want to stop the show. It only went harder with no sign of ending. 

What would happen to us? 

I curled inside my blanket, solving sudoku to lessen the usage of my phone since I might have to use it as flashlights when night came. The water slowly became steady, but it was already on par with the adult's chest outside! I didn't even want to think of the possibilities of my little cousins being completely drowned outside. Inside my house, it was a little above my knee, creating a new record for the flood. Yippie. 

While being scared of water and the rain which kept on pouring, the whole flood stuff also made me realize how thankful I was. When I started to hear people approaching our road with rubber boats, screaming "evacuation! evacuation!" I--and my family--was safely upstairs and dry. We even had our blanket as it seriously got cold outside. While one of our beds got soaked, we didn't have to worry about clean cloth and mattress for the night. We had enough food (well, snacks) to kept our hunger away while waiting for the water to go down so our relatives could send us food. Ah, yeah. We had relatives to send us food, it was also another thing to be grateful for. 

Here was a funny thing about experiencing flood when you were an adult: you would stop thinking about all trivial things like schools. My youngest sister was panicking about how she'd learn on Monday, while my other sisters were worried about assignments piling up for their classes. Meanwhile, what I had in my mind was similar to what my mother had: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CLEAN THIS MESS. 

That was the moment I realize... god, I was truly past my teenage dream. Boo. 

I would write the pain of cleaning up EVERYTHING on another day when my mom had proclaimed that it's truly: over. 

[selelunars]

Recap: Every Falling Stars

Every Falling Star: The True Story of How I Survived and Escaped North Korea, the first book to portray contemporary North Korea to a young audience, is the intense memoir of a North Korean boy named Sungju who is forced at age twelve to live on the streets and fend for himself.  Sungju richly re-creates his scabrous story, depicting what it was like for a boy alone to create a new family with his gang, his “brothers”; to be hungry and to fear arrest, imprisonment, and even execution. This riveting memoir allows young readers to learn about other cultures where freedoms they take for granted do not exist.

Given the premise of the book, I was already expecting some events to occur in the book. However, it didn't make me less shocked or amazed by how it was told. North Korea, for us foreigner, is one mysterious country, given not many things could be found online other than its leader and their conflict with South Korea. 

The first few chapters of the book left me speechless, giving a new insight of how it was in the country during its peak. I found it a little scary, how devoted and controlling the government was described in early chapters. However, the writing really gave me deeper understanding as to why would the citizen feel such respect to its founding father. The most brilliant part for me was when Sungju questioned about god when the eternal father died, showing how deep people thought of him as a god due to education given since early ages. 

Like I said, I was already expecting his life to turn upside down, even safe to say that I was waiting for the real plot to occur. And when it did, once again I was left speechless. It was even more dumbfounding because I was aware that the story was based on true story--all the events happened, the starvation, the fights, or even the death--it all happened on the flash of Sungju's eyes. The struggles, poverties, and Sungju's drastic life changes were descried beautifully. It was kind of book that would act as wake up call to us, to remind us that in other part of the world, people were struggling to get proper education or even proper meals, that some kids were growing up without their parents because they had to. 

Among all the reasons, one that I cherished the most from the book was the will to survive and the purity of friendship.

Speaking of friendship, I get why it was the highlight of the stories, given the brothers held important roles on Sungju's life. The book was written with hope that they would find him as well. I dare to say the friendship was the most beautiful thing that got me hooked to the story, even knowing that at some point, they must have separated. Or else, Lee wouldn't be writing the book to look for them. The description and the brothers' life story played with my heart really well, as if I was there to witness their journey to be happy and cried with them. It showed how important someone's presence could be for you, as it might even be a reason why you were still alive. You just could feel the love Lee has for his brothers from the story--which made the whole book even harder. 

Hard, because we pretty much knew how it would end and the fact it also got us wondering, where are his brothers now? Are they eating well? (TMI: I even googled whether they were already found after I read the book until the end) For me, the only downside the book had was the fact I was already expecting something bad to happen, so I ended up waiting for it to happen as I read. It couldn't be helped, as the premise clearly said it was true story of a journey, and everyone knew how sensitive North Korea issue is. 

However, expecting bad things would happen doesn't equal to you not feeling shocked at the whole story. Sure, if you were a fan of fiction, you would find the stories as anti-climatic as you don't know what happened to people he left behind. Yet the story has enough of twist and heart-wrenching parts that would make you shed a tear upon reading them. It's pretty unsettling that we couldn't know lots of things about North Korea as I personally can't help but thinking it would give me deeper understanding of the story, yet I understand why it was dangerous for him to include such detail in the book. 

Overall, I think this is a book that everyone has to read once in a lifetime. Because not only it would give you precious lesson about surviving and friendship, it would also give you real-life insight of a country you couldn't find much about. It's definitely not a book you are going to regret.

[selelunars]

A Closure with Engineering

I know that graduation it's a main topic of what my mind has been thinking about recently, but I think it's only fair if I give it one last closure, considering the word "graduation" itself has truly sink in now that I have taken my diploma and robes. With how pandemics are still rocking the land we are on, it's safe to say this is one of the most memorable moment despite it not being the most beautiful one. Let's not lie, we all want a proper ceremony to celebrate the milestone. 

The lack of ceremony aside, it doesn't make graduation less impressive, in a way it symbolize that we have finished series of struggle and hardship to be able to reach the top. I take this chance to reflects the past few years, reminiscing four years ago when I entered university with burning passion and how my interests have changed overtime. I have come far. The journey was from easy, it was filled with struggle along with constant second-guessing of what could I be in the future. 

Along with the journey, I realize that maybe the engineering field is not exactly where I want to be, despite my passion for foods and my interest to continue my journey in FMCG industries. But I never once regret the fact that I picked engineering and stayed through four years in the major. The reason is pretty simple, I believe that being in engineering major is much more than measuring and calculating things, it is something that shaped our way of thinking.  When we were obligated to find answers of questions in class, sometimes it was not something we could find in the book, because they want us to be able to think out of the box using the knowledge we have to get the best approach in solving the problems. 

They want us to be creative. 

No, they obligated us to be creative while being structured. It is not something you can learn explicitly through a specific course, but it is something that shaped by mindset and habit. I think it is safe to say that engineering shaped our way of thinking so that we are used to do analytical yet structured thinking, all while trying to find the most suitable approach of solving the problems and paying attention to small details. Because as we know in our course, a difference of one centimetres or one kelvin matters, right? 

In my future career, I may not see myself calculating heat needed or even sizing a fully-functioning factory like I did on my last year of university, but I definitely could see myself implementing the sense of engineering that I have sharpened during my time in college. I believe that despite not doing works in engineering, my four years learning the courses aren't going to be wasted, because engineering taught us much more than heat and balance, they taught us how to think and implement our thinking to daily basis.

[selelunars]

Graduation’s Good Yet Hidden Friends

I believe that every student only want one thing to happen in the end of their university life: graduating. I did too. When my lecturer announced my name as one of the graduates of my major, I was in cloud nine. After all the doubts and struggle, I finally made it to the top. 

Except for the part that the top is not really a top where you can stay and enjoy the view. It is something so small that you can't even step on it steadily with one leg. 

At first I thought graduation is something you should be proud of--at least that day, I was really proud of myself. After all, it's when all of my work paid off, right? Then days passed and I started  to feel something was wrong.  I mean, on the first or second day of rightfully being called a bachelor, everyone congratulated you and tell you that they were happy for you. Then days change and they started to ask, "so do you get any job yet?" or "what are you planning to do?" 

The questions make me wonder and wonder, they make me spend unhealthy hours on linkedin only to feel sad each time I see a friend already got a job. I tried to apply to this one program and seem to be rejected--resulting in me breaking down and wondering whether I deserve good things in life. Then I tried another method and sign myself up for jobseeking website, only to break down in the middle, realizing I can't be what I want to be. 

Yet.

It feels like I keep on being kicked by anxiety and all the bad thoughts that come with the responsibilities. The bad thought grows on me and not a single day spent by not wallowing in sadness. Then I started to ask myself, "is graduation a blessing or a burden? If it is indeed a blessed accomplishment, why is it so hard to feel happy?" 

In the middle of my frustrations, I stumbled over this webinar about "Graduation Anxiety" held by Prasetya Mulya University. At first I was a little skeptical, then I decided to roll with it as I didn't have things to lose nor anything better to do on that day. I kept on thinking whether the speaker would really be talking about the struggle I have. 

They really hit close to home. 

One of the speakers mentioned the said feeling I am currently going through--the sadness, uneasiness, anxiety, everything. She said that even thought clinically, there is no term that could classify this phase as a mental illness, post-graduation anxiety is something real and what we are feeling about the said situation is valid, especially given the situation these days. Anyway, I want to say that what we experienced might be different for everyone. If you think it's too much and you feel like it is much more than simply being anxious about future, do visit a professional instead of brushing it off.

The webinar highlighted one thing that really comforted me: I am not alone. I am not the only one having this silly thoughts or anxious nights filled with worries. We all do. 

Then I realized that class of 2020 is the most resilience batch ever, managing to graduate in the middle of batshit crazy stuff happened all around the world. We struggled harder than most of people with some of us unable to finish our thesis in times due to the pandemic. We couldn't have something we always dreamed to have. Some of us don't even have a proper good bye with amazing people they spent the past few years with. Not only that, we also graduated in the middle everyone is struggling, even business. 

Some people lost their job, some companies decide to not recruit more people.  Jobseeking was really not our friends as we compete with not only fellow fresh graduates, but hundreds of people, for a spot that being reduced here and there. 

I know that for some people, it might come off as a toxic positive, but what the speakers said was true. We are not struggling alone. Everyone could be feeling anxious because of the uncertainty of their future and the pandemic makes it even worse by limiting the limited opportunities we have to start a new fresh start.

On more personal note, I feel like my graduation anxiety also stem from the GPA I got from the university, which is slightly below average. I feel like most of the times, I don't even have the chance to try seeing how it is bellow what the companies want. Part of me is ashamed, but the other parts of me know best that I have tried my best throughout the years. But convincing yourself that you are much more than your GPA is easier said than done. 

The speakers said that feeling the overwhelming amount of negativity is something normal--and reducing those negative thoughts is indeed easier to said than done. She said, the least I can do to myself is start to think positively of myself and creating positive environment for me to grow. Those negative thoughts are indeed inevitable, but it doesn't mean there isn't anything positive from ourselves. 

The other speaker said something that was more logical. He said that realistically, having slightly lower GPA does make it harder for us considering some companies tend to do first scanning through GPA. But it doesn't mean that you are hopeless--if you feel like you are much more than your GPA and have enough confidence, just do it even thought your score is slightly lower than the requirement. He said, it isn't impossible for people to see that you are much more than your background. 

One of the most memorable thing I heard him say during the webinar was to tell us to have a target or a dream field of work or company we want to have a career in. When I asked about  the lack of my GPA to enter the company I want, his answer was the wake up call I need. He said, "Your life doesn't end just because this year or next year you fail to get into the company you want. Your life doesn't end in one year or two, you have more than that. If you have a target, it doesn't have to happen soon. You can make a plan, 'I want to get into this company in five years' then for the next five years, you study about their work ethics, what their recruiter wants, all to make sure you can achieve it next time." 

Our life doesn't end in one year or two. Our traits are not all negative. 

I think among all things they said throughout the seminar, the two are what gave the wake up call the most. It's like the core or main things I have to keep in mind in order to move forward. Mindset aside, there are several practical tips or way to ease up our anxiety, which proven to work for me.

First, learn something new. College may take four years of our life, but it doesn't mean we have learnt everything we want. There are a lot more knowledge exist in the world that we studied during our college days. Especially now that there are lots of free resources and classes up for us to grab--some even come with reputable certificate that would make us more "credible." There aren't many reasons why we shouldn't learn something new, especially if we have clear idea of what we want to do and what kind of person we want to be. I have been busying myself with some of google classes and copywriting websites, I must say that it has done pretty good job in keeping me occupied by positive thoughts instead of the anxious feeling that almost ate me alive before.

Second, pick up a hobby or take time to do what you love. It's pretty much similar with the first point, but the main idea is to know what is something that fuels you--to do something that pumps your energy enough that you are not thinking about anything else. For me, it's being creative. Recently, I also start doing lots of things--mainly drawing, writing, and working on this blog. Being creative pumps me, especially seeing the comment from people on the work I thought would go unnoticed.  It makes me realize my purpose: to create. I want to create and I always want to do it, so doing those stuff makes me feel more positive. 

Third, build a connection. I think rather than new connection, the easiest way to apply it is to rebuild the connection you have with your loved ones and other people that mean something for you. Personally, I feel this part as the hardest as I don't really have lots of people around me in first place. But talking weirdly feels nice--to talk about how someone's life is, about hobbies, about everything. I am an introvert, so at some point it also drains me, but it's a nice thing to do. 

Four, don't stop trying. I remember that the speakers from the webinar also said that when you fail and get up so much, you would become resilience and that is something needed in current days. The phrase saying that fresh graduates more often sending hundreds of applications but get nothing back in response, according to her, is true. But she also said that it can't be avoided and is one of the steps for us to be resilient and strong. 

Here is a little story. 

First time I applied for job, it was for a pretty huge company and it made me super anxious seeing how I didn't called back. Everything is uncertain and thinking that my life goes downhill and useless is something that can't be avoided. I was in a wreck for few days when I thought I got rejected--all because I didn't have anything to hold on. It was the only company I applied to and I hang all of my hope there. I was still far from being resilient. After getting more encouragement, I braced myself to apply more--as long as it fits me and dream. I did it while doing the first three steps I mentioned. I still got rejections, but it doesn't make me anxious as the first one. If you ask me, honestly I don't know whether I have become before resilience as the time being or because the practical steps do wonder for my mind's well-being. 

All I want to point out is that--you are going to feel better once you are able to channel your newfound free time and energies into more positive matters. 

Our life doesn't end in one year or two. Our traits are not all negative.  

This feels like a mantra, but I feel like this is the most important of all so I don't think I have stress this enough. Remember that feeling anxious after your graduation is something normal, given the situation and the change of circumstances around you. Before, you wake up with the spirit that you have to graduate soon--then the spirit fades and you don't know what you are going to do for the day while keep on receiving endless loop of questions. It's okay to feel slightly uneasy and worried about your future. 

But remember that you're only going to grow stronger and more resilient from this time being. Talk your worry out, improve yourself, and on top of all, don't forget to remind yourself that you are amazing and deserve lots of good things in life. 

We are precious and we have done well to the point we finished the roughest journey of our life. Let's spread kindness and be more aware of our surrounding, happy world mental health day 2020. 

For more insight about post-graduation anxiety.

1. Extension Service 

2. Psychalive

3. Choosing Therapy

[selelunars]

(1/2) Scariest Roller Coaster Ride.

Here is a big TMI: all roller coaster rides are scary. I think the only ride I can stand is "Alap Alap" which equals to kiddie's ride, but my legs have become too long for me to ride it comfortably. Sad. 

But what I am going to call as "scariest roller coaster ride" is not the literal one. I know we tend to say that life is like a roller coaster ride--sometimes you're going up slowly, then on the next second you sliding down with a speed you never imagine of. However, the past two months really feel like a period where I am sitting on an endless ride, constantly going up and down. The difference with the regular roller coaster? I have no idea when it is going to end. (Spoiler: thank god it already ended now!)

Truthfully, I think the ride started when I entered the final year of university with two final assignments on my way. The end of 2019 was really crazy, as well as beginning of 2020, when I feel like I only came home to take a quick bath and sleep. It was a period when I was drained physically and mentally, with the crazy class schedules, insane amount of workload, and the hours I spend outside that leaves me with so little personal space to charge myself. But that is going to be a story for another day. 

Skipping through the timeline, we all know that Corona pretty much ruined 2020 for all of us--especially for third and final year students. Some people have to postpone their internship, some people can't even continue their final assignments and could only be waiting patiently for miracle to happen. I was the second type of person. As my final assignment required me to do a laboratory activity, being at home was a total let down for me--I was mad that I had to postpone everything after struggling with lots of things, yet I know that I could not do anything about it, not even asking my lecturer because it would be pointless to ask about things no one sure about the answer. We were constantly given a false hope as when would the school be open again. Sucks. 

This crazy ride started when last July, my friend and I gathered courage to ask our lecturer in charge of our final assignment after seeing some of our friends got a "replacement" for their final assignment. At that point we didn't expect anything, we just thought that it was best to have the initiative to ask about the matter first. Because if there was any chance of doing something, we really would do it in a heartbeat. I think it was the peak of our desperation after knowing that we really couldn't went to the lab in July after getting a tiny bit of hope about it, while our super tight rundown said that we HAD to start gathering data on first week of July if we want to make it to September cut-out.  

 My lecturers proposed that we changed our method in doing research to do a literature study. At that announcement, I was like: "YES MAYBE I GOT A CHANCE." Moreover, on the first glance, doing literature study might seem slightly more simple than doing an overnight stay in laboratory ONLY for one data. So right after the said proposal, I started to gather up some papers that could be useful.

It turned out gathering papers were not as easy as I thought it would be, given that we had very specific requirement for the papers to meet our objective. Like, when I thought this paper gave the end-product that was similar to what I wanted to talk about, they didn't use the procedure that fit my thesis and vice versa. It was like doing treasure hunts but make it on steroid, judging how I feel like I turned googled upside down while doing this first batch of papers-hunting. On first week, we only managed to gather less than 20 papers, which I only contributed in half of those amount while feeling like I've read hundreds or so. I mean, just imagine--back then, I spent hours in front of my laptop to see that by the end of the day, only one paper fit the "requirement" we had.

When we started put the data from the table into words and paragraphs, that was when the real struggle begun in this literature-study-in-the-making. At that point, we weren't even sure how would we present the data--were we going to do statiscics? if yes, what were we going to test? So we just started to put the explanations of the data and phenomenons we read on the papers. But here was the thin: you couldn't just compare what happened in paper A to what happened in paper B as the experiments weren't done in same conditions. So the best we could do was trying to find a reason why certain phenomenon happened.

That, too, was a huge struggle. 

When you analyze your own data, you could think of lots of reasons why the experiment didn't turn the way you planned based on your experience. Even more, you could just blame your own inadequancy in doing the experiments or managing the data. But when you did a literature study, it felt as if all the questions and weird phenomenon had to have an EXACT and more detailed answer as it was something that has been researched before. It was a struggle too, because published papers were different from a full report--published papers only cover the main point of the research without telling the reason why such result was obtained. So this part of the research became another batch of treasure hunting. Aha. 

For weeks, we had tried to think about how we could make a statistical analysis possible with the data that was super varied.  On the same time, the lectures had begun for underclass so naturally our advisors get busy--and we were lost. Luckily, miracle happened when my friend found a method that could fit literature study without burning our brains in process. Oh, here was one funny thing, have you ever thought of discussing with your thesis advisor in the middle of the night? I never, but it truly happened to me! I was not ones who stay up late a lot, so it was real struggle but also blessings because we know that there weren't lots lecturers that were as dedicated as mine are. Just in the right time when we found a method, they approved the one we wanted to use as well as giving input on how we could possibly compare the data we have without risking the comparison being invalid.

With the new light and spirit, everything went smoothly as we now had clear direction on what we were going to do with our thesis. 

But of course, just like a roller coaster, the calm phase didn't stay for a long time. I remember it vividly, right on the first day of September, my lecturers suddenly texted us that the deadline for final thesis defense is on 10th so we had to submit our report at 6th the latest. At that point, we were really surprised, considering that our final report was only 80-85% from being done and we were scared that there would be lots of things we had to revise. I think it was safe to say that the next two-three days we were like mad robot trying to meet deadline. I didn't even want to think about the time I spent typing and correcting--what I remember was at some point, reading about fats made me nauseous. HAHA. 

Long story short, we have managed to DRAMATICALLY make it before the deadline. And yes, there were lots of last minute revision but I am not going to talk about it. Wink wonk. Our final defense happened on 9th and I swear that I started getting stomach cramps on the night before from being too nervous. The good thing about online seminars was, when you were the one presenting it to the audience, all you saw on your screen was your presentations--not the one who were in charge to examine you. I thought it was what made me a bit calm when practicing. I just thought it like this: "take it as if you are shooting for something and you only have one shot in doing so!" But on the same time, it was stressing since I was the one presenting, I couldn't have a cheat-sheet on my laptop HAHAHA. 

I tried to make some cheat notes on post its, but I ended up memorizing everything. It wasn't hard, as I've read those words non stop for the past few months. It turned out that my biggest struggle didn't come from me failing to memorize things. It went smoothly and I maintained to keep calm throughout the presentation until I see my camera sensor went off. YES. My internet decided to fail me on important date despite my effort to use the best one available at home. It was really embarrassing especially since it happened during the time I was pointing out something. But other than that, it went smoothly to the point my lecturer even complimented our composure, which was a big accomplishment to me since during practice I was known to talk a beat to fast than I supposed to.

Another compliment that I remember clearly came from my examiner, who first appreciated us for reading 100+ papers during the process of this thesis. He appreciated our effort for making this truly a "proper way" to replace the lab and took the literature study seriously. I think it was one of the highlight since we were pretty nervous that the examiner would find a literature study unamusing. 

I never talk about this out loud, but before my thesis defense, I had lots of issues regarding my confidence and my social skill. I asked myself, "would everyone even notice that I passed huge stone tomorrow?" after seeing the amount of support people give to my friends through social media, knowing I was (am) not the most sociable and communicative person on earth. It somehow made me worried that I might be the only one happy during a faithful day. I thought about telling people too, but I had this knack of being invisible that I would rather stay silent than knowing no one hear my voice.

However, the world told me otherwise. Even since the night before my presentation, people told me good luck and even asked whether they could watch my defense--those whom I thought don't care about me turned out to be the one handing me big amount of support. Some friends gave me encouragement through texts, some even sent me small treats to celebrate the happy days.  I was really happy--the word was even understatement on how I feel. It wasn't the treats that made me happy--it was the support and the fact they cared enough about me to sent me an encouraging messages.

 It turned out that there were more people who cared about me. All I had to do was to be more appreciative of those who care and love me instead of trying to fit with someone who I wanted to be with--who clearly didn't want me in return. I told myself that I should be grateful of people in my life while stop comparing how many friends to I have with the others. This was not a competition and I should stop putting people's life as the standard of feeling happy. That was not healthy at all.  

You too, in case no one told you anything today, you have done well and you are loved by many. 

Ah, do you think the ride ended after my final defense? Sadly, it isn't. But it would be too long if I make this into a oneshot. So I guess, this cliffhanger would work for now. Until then! Let's say... we just finished going down and currently going slowly while making our way up.

[selelunars]

Siapa sih yang enggak pengen cepet lulus? 

Siapa juga, yang mau menelan sakit karena pada nyatanya, banyak situasi yang bikin segala hal jadi bergeser dari kata "ideal" yang selama ini kita kenal. Buat mahasiswa tingkat akhir, di awal semester tujuh pasti mulai berpikir kalau "idealnya" waktu satu tahun terakhir di jenjang kuliah ini akan dihabiskan dengan bergelut dengan tugas akhir sambil diselingi dengan membuat banyak kenangan bersama teman-teman atau mungkin kota rantau bagi mereka yang jauh di rumah.

Idealnya. 

Kalau bicara tentang situasi ideal juga, rasanya sekarang status mahasiswa itu sudah lepas dari diri.

Nyatanya kan, enggak begitu? 

Banyak hal di dunia ini yang enggak bergerak sebagai mana kita inginkan mereka untuk bergerak. Memang sih, ada banyak orang yang dalam kondisi begini pun bisa-bisa saja untuk menyelesaikan studinya. Hanya saja, ingat kalau semua orang itu tidak sama. Ada juga banyak orang yang terhambat karena situasi yang membuat mereka tidak bisa melakukan apapun, hanya menunggu sambil bertanya pada langit malam, "kampus kapan buka, ya?"

 Terlambat itu bukan salah kalian. Apapun alasannya, semua ini bukan salah kalian. 

Wajar, kalau tiba-tiba kalian merasa ingin menarik diri dari media sosial, merasa tertekan ketika melihat begitu banyak keberhasilan orang-orang yang sudah mencapai titik akhir. Apalagi, kalau sosok yang kalian lihat adalah orang yang begitu dekat dalam kehidupan masa kuliah kalian. Rasanya kalian paling tahu, kalau perasaan tertekan dan sesak yang timbul bukan karena kalian iri. 

Kalian bahagia untuk mereka.

Sangat bahagia. 

Hanya saja, rasa bahagia itu tertutup dengan rasa sedih bahwa kalian tidak bisa ikut merasakan kebahagiaan yang sama.

Aku pun ada di posisi yang sama, dengan rasa tertekan dan pilu yang sama. Kalian enggak sendirian. 

Di tengah rasa tertekan itu aku berpikir, "ada berapa bulan ya sampai wisuda selanjutnya?" Lalu pikiranku berubah menghitung waktu yang sekiranya aku butuhkan untuk menyelesaikan semuanya. Enggak cukup. Kalau kampus masih belum dibuka dalam dua minggu sejak aku menghitung hari itu, waktunya enggak akan cukup. 

Hingga akhirnya akupun ada di titik di mana aku berpikir kalau aku enggak bisa--aku udah terlalu lelah untuk menunggu tanpa bisa mengusahakan apapun. Sampai akhirnya seseorang bilang ke aku, kalau di dunia ini enggak ada orang yang enggak akan lulus. Semuanya cuma masalah waktu dan menjadi terlembat enggak berarti aku lebih buruk dari kebanyakan orang. Ini cuma perkara letak toga dan seremoni di garis waktu hidupku dan hidup orang lain. Belum tentu sama, tapi perbedaan letak enggak berarti kalau toga dan seremoni itu akan memiliki makna yang berbeda. 

Mungkin ini adalah masa di mana aku bersyukur dengan adanya orang-orang di sekitarku, yang terus menerus berkata kalau waktuku akan tiba dan aku pantas untuk mendapatkan hal-hal baik dalam hidup. Dari situ aku berpikir, kalau kata-kata ini enggak sebaiknya cuma aku yang denger. Kalian semua--terutama kalian yang sedang ada di posisi yang sama dengan aku--harus tahu hal ini, kalau dibalik kata "terlambat" dan "tertunda" yang terus menghantui kalian, hal baik pasti akan muncul pada kalian.  

Rasa sedih itu wajar, kalian bebas untuk menangisi nasib atau memutuskan untuk menarik diri dari melihat hal-hal bahagia yang malah membuat mereka merana. 

Wajar juga, kalau kalian merasa marah alih-alih termotivasi ketika melihat orang-orang memamerkan momen bahagianya terdahulu--seremoni dan selebrasi yang bahkan mungkin tidak akan alami jika kalian lulus kelak--dengan embel-embel motivasi. 

It's okay to take a break. 

Enggak masalah untuk beristirahat sejenak untuk mengumpulkan energi, menunggu untuk bisa meluncur tinggi ketika sudah tiba hari di mana seluruh titik terang terlihat jelas. 

Ingat, enggak ada orang yang enggak akan lulus. 

Kita akan lulus dan kita guncangkan dunia.