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[semilyhubbard]

Back To You

Back to you, it always comes around, back to you...

I spent most of yesterday crying because of you. I just miss you so much and I physically can’t take it anymore. How many more days, months, years, am I going to have to spend mourning the loss of you in my life until I am over it?

I miss your face. I miss your voice. I miss your scent. I miss your touch. I miss your kisses. I miss your laugh. I miss your cuddles. I can’t put words to how much I miss you. And the worst part is, I know you don’t feel the same. As your cousin said, “you’re thriving”. Well at least that makes one of us.

I didn’t think I’d still be at this point so many months later. I’m starting to lose hope that I’ll ever be able to fully move on.

[semilyhubbard]

Deja Vu

I went on my first legitimate date since you left. He texted me that he was outside and when I stepped outside of my house he was parked in the exact same spot you always parked in. I felt my chest began to tighten up, but I took a deep breath and got in the car. We went to the Plymouth theater that we went to on one of our final dates together. The woman who took his and I’s tickets was the same one who took ours. I felt my chest tighten again. Like I did earlier, I took a deep breath and kept going. I had a great time, I like the guy too, but how can I be ready to try things out with someone new, if every step of the way I kept feeling reminded of you? Later that night I went for a drive to clear my head, and when I pulled up to my house I still hoped for your car to be outside and immediately broke down.

I also learned that my brother saw you last week at brew pub, and I was jealous which made me so incredibly angry with myself. I wish I got to see your face.

[semilyhubbard]

It's been a while...

I haven't written a lot lately. I've been so incredibly exhausted both physically and emotionally, so I haven't found the time to. Today was a weird day for me though. I had the strangest feeling I was going to run into you or hear from you today. I don't know why, especially because neither of which happened. When will I stop thinking about you? When will I stop missing you?

[semilyhubbard]

I hate this.

I have so much I want to say and so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and my heart, but I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted from it all that I don't even feel like saying it. I miss you. I don't want to miss you anymore.

[semilyhubbard]

Expect The Unexpected

I finally got to see Mr. Mayer in concert and he was absolutely everything. He sounds even better live than he does on CD. I still can't believe he did Slow Dancing and Edge Of Desire back to back. It was a dream come true although it made me emotional as heck haha. But what I really can't believe is that in a crowd of thousands, you were only a few rows behind me. I turned around to look at the sky after the rain on the lawn and my heart stopped when I saw you standing there. Although in my gut I thought I was going to see you at that show, the logical part of me felt I wasn't. I turned to Chelsea and said "he's right there" and she couldn't believe it either. Some time passed and I was facing her and talking to her and saw you coming our way out of the corner of my eye. My heart stopped again and I grabbed her leg and quietly said you were coming. You then quickly turned away and went to the concession area. I began shaking. I still could not believe you were sitting so close to us. You had to have done that on purpose since you knew exactly where we were sitting because Chelsea told you when you asked her on my birthday. Why did you sit there if you wanted to avoid me so badly? I truly don't understand it at all. That was the last time I saw you before the show started. Then John came on stage and my stress went away. He was unreal. Except I did think of you during Love On The Weekend, Slow Dancing, Edge Of Desire, and You're Gonna Live Forever which got the best of my emotions. Besides all of that I had SO much fun. I really did. It's a shame my first time seeing him couldn't have been us doing it together, especially since you promised we would even after we broke up. But that was before you decided to erase me from your life with no explanation or reasoning. The show ended and "Theme From The Search For Everything" came on and what happened next really felt like a scene right out of the depressing part of a romance movie. The entire crowd stood up to leave the venue, and as I rose out of my seat I turned to watch you leave as the music played. You turned around and looked back and my heart stopped once again. It was the first time I had looked you in the eye in months. You began to walk away again and the tears immediately began flowing. But you left the venue. You were gone. I didn't have to see you again. Wrong. As Chelsea embraced me while I cried once we were out of the venue I saw you standing 2 feet in front of us and you turned around and looked at me crying and Chelsea said you nodded and looked panicked and then ran away. No surprise there. I spent the entire night thinking why did all of it happen. Why were you so close. Why did you come towards us twice and leave. Why did you get to see me cry; you don't deserve to see me cry and know I'm still in pain after all you've done. I've always believed in everything happens for a reason, but why did any of it happen? Stupidly, I wondered if it was because you missed me and wanted to see me in any capacity. Then I saw your story that you immaturely thought I wouldn't see and those thoughts I had about you missing me went right out the window. Why did you feel the need to zoom in on me, take a picture, post it to your story, and mock the fact that I'm there and that I can't view your stories? What was your end goal there? To further try and hurt me and upset me? I do not understand why you are being so mean to me when all I have done this entire time is try to heal from how much I loved and missed you. For the first time I am in a weird limbo about how I feel in regards to you. Part of me still misses you. Part of me hates you. Part of me still loves you. Part of me wants nothing to do with you. Part of me still wants you back. All of me knows I deserve so much better than how you are treating me though. I think the parts of me that are still missing/love you, miss the guy I dated. This asshole you have become is NOT the man I dated. In fact you're not being a man at all right now. And that is where the hatred I'm feeling comes from. Overall I feel numb almost because I feel so many different things. What are you doing?

[semilyhubbard]

Running

I went for a run yesterday and it felt so freeing. Now I understand why you do it so often. The second I took off I felt empowered and free. I ran all the way to the wissahickon trail and back. I sat by the water and cleared my head. I came to a lot of conclusions. I deserve someone who proudly holds my hand in public. I deserve someone who loves me, all of me, the good and the bad. I deserve someone who wants to post pictures of us. I deserve someone who would do anything just to spend time with me. I deserve someone who puts me at the top of their priorities. I deserve someone who misses me whenever we aren’t together. I deserve someone who wants to work through any issues rather than give up. I deserve the love I’ve been craving so badly. And as I go through the list of things I deserve, you never gave me any of those. At least not to the extent that I deserve. I deserve better than you.

I ran home feeling even more empowered coming to those conclusions and feeling like this is it. I’m finally moving on. I’m finally ready to completely be back to normal and live my life again.

I woke up this morning with a completely different mindset. I woke up this morning missing you. Despite those things above you didn’t give me, I miss the things that you did. I miss you, but I don’t want to miss you anymore. When will it stop?

[semilyhubbard]

Split Screen Sadness

I decided to take a nice bath and drink some tea and listen to Mr. Mayer to start my midweek weekend. Last time I was off two days in a row in the middle of the week I was completely alone to my thoughts and declined greatly in my progress to get over you. I really hope that doesn't happen again. Especially since there's a chance I'll run into you on Friday. I know the odds are slim since the venue is so big, but what if I see you? What will I do? What will you do? Will it be awkward? Will we be civil? I still don't understand why you randomly messaged Chelsea on my birthday if she and I were going or not. Was it so you know to avoid me? Is it because you miss me? Is it because you wanted to know if I was finally seeing John? Why? I've spent the past few days wondering why and if I'm reading too far into absolutely nothing; but deep down have been hoping it's because you miss me. Odds are though it's nothing and you were probably just curious if you knew anyone who was going. I wonder how you've been and what you've been up to. I don't know why you're still such a common thought on my mind.

[semilyhubbard]

I miss you

I hate how empty this birthday evening has felt without you.

[semilyhubbard]

Happy birthday Emmy

It's my birthday! (knock on wood) but so far it's been a really good one! I got a lot of birthday wishes at work, Chelsea bought me coffee, Starbucks gave me and and my friend Jen free coffees because it was my birthday, and I just feel super duper loved! Even Nick reached out to wish me a happy birthday haha. You're the only person who means something that didn't wish me one. I expected it though. I knew I wasn't getting the "Happy birthday Emmy" that haunted me last week. And it's okay. I of course miss you and would love to hear from you, but I know you're a part of my past and one day I'll fully accept and be okay and move on. "I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there..."

[semilyhubbard]

30 Minutes

I didn't write about you yesterday. I didn't feel the need to. I don't exactly feel the need to today either, but here I am. The past two days have been so much better than the first few of the month. I feel happy. I feel motivated. I feel empowered. I feel confident. Deep down I still miss you, though. As angry as I am with you, I still think about you and hope you're doing well. I guess you can call that love. 30 more minutes until my birthday. 30 more minutes until a big day for me and I won't hear from you. It's crazy how different this birthday is than last year. Last year I didn't think you'd show up to my party, but for different reasons than this year of course. We weren't close and you were just my crush. Last year you kissed me on the cheek and it was the highlight of my entire birthday. I didn't need presents or anything; that alone made my night. I watched the video of it the other day (I definitely shouldn't have). Now here I am again thinking (I should say KNOWING) you won't show up. This time because you're a stranger to me now. This time because you don't want me in your life anymore. Love is the number one thing I have always wanted in life. And I hope someday I find it. I hope someday I find a guy that shows me I deserve better than you. I deserve someone who wants all of me. The good and the bad. I hope someday I find someone I love so much and loves me so much that I forget who you are. Until then, I wait in this burdening sadness.

[semilyhubbard]

I hope I never have to say goodbye to the next person I fall in love with.

Marley C. // Now and Always. (via theprocast)

[semilyhubbard]

[semilyhubbard]

First love isn’t the person you liked for the very first time. It’s the person that you cannot completely erase out of your life no matter how much time passes. I didn’t believe it until I met you.

(via teenagecrush)

[semilyhubbard]

There’s a special place in my heart for the ones who were with me at my lowest and still loved me when I wasn’t very loveable.

Yasmin Mogahed

you know who you are

(via serious)

[semilyhubbard]

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting You never forget, not really, you never forget the despair you felt or the way someone mistreated you Moving on means to grow from the pain, letting that despair transform into hope, and blossoming despite the chill in the air

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write (via sunflowerletters)

[semilyhubbard]

I still check my phone  in hope of seeing your name but it is becoming less frequent. I still check in with my heart to see if it’s still black with bruises but this too, is becoming less frequent. I am alive. I am hurting. I am breathing. It will all be okay.

1st August 2017// 15:12 p.m. (via velcroheartstrings)

[semilyhubbard]

Stranger

I had another happy day today. I felt confident with no makeup and ran errands with my family. We came home and sat outside enjoying the weather. I caught up with my friend Lori on the phone and it was a nice evening. No complaints whatsoever.

I sang again today. I sang one of my favorite mr. Mayer songs, Edge Of Desire. The lyrics are exactly how I feel right now in regards to us. I hope it’s not obvious to my Instagram followers that I’m singing to you. I didn't cry singing those lyrics that really hit home for me, but I do choke up watching it because I can see the pain behind me eyes and my fake smile at the end in hopes people think I'm happy and okay. I do actually thank you for inspiring me to sing again, although under unfortunate circumstances. I wonder if you’ll watch it, or even care to.

I scrolled through my camera roll tonight and came across a video you took of yourself on my phone the second to last time we hung out. I felt like I was watching a stranger which was both heart wrenching and weird. I can’t believe it’s been three months since I’ve seen you and I believe two months since I’ve interacted with you. It sucks. It sucks so much.

I miss you.