senselessalchemist - Tumblr blog

senselessalchemist · 15 days

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wrote 30k words and decided I didn't like them or the order i put them in and so started over. alright cool great thank you brain 👍👍

#ah the joys of fanfic #writing in general but since i rarely write anything but fanfic its all intrinsically tied up with the fanfic experience for me #wish i could have realized id end up unhappy with it 20k words ago #some of it will get used but the rest goes in the great gdoc trashpit with all the rest of the stuff i wrote and said naaahhh to #on the upside im feeling mildly hopeful about this attempt #god work is bad for creativity #all i wanna do when i get home is play noita and listen to naddpod #but i also like living in a building and food and my medication so #work it is #also people ive helped are now pregnant which is exciting #there will be babies that i had a very very small part in bringing into the world #a kind of funny thought for a person who does not want children personally #but anyway reset the “its been x days since saro scrapped a fanfic” clock

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senselessalchemist · 26 days

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Sometimes you spend Saturday (one of your two free days a week) sitting in the stairwell because your insurance will only fill your specialty meds thru the mail and your doorbell is broken so if you want to get your medication you have to watch for the FedEx truck

By you I mean me

(5 hours and meds still not here)

I am tired of having this body and I deserve a new one after the massive hell this one has put me through

#im sleepy and irritable #didnt want to spend all day in thr stairwell watching for the fedex truck #its cold and i am sore and my teeth hurt because orthodontia #i want a nap #i dont know that a sign would work #i did think about it #but also its my goddamn multiple thousands of dollars worth of medicine #because hellscape where a chronic illness means you have to deal with more bullshit than non chronically ill people #which makes sense punish those sick fucks for being sick they obviously brought it on themselves #anyway point is i dont want to fuck around with it #i literally got married to afford this medication lmao #wish i hadnt now but also what could i have done?#how much after 5 do i wait....

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senselessalchemist · 2 months

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Bow problems (+ other nonsense)

#saroart #dead cells #the beheaded #the collector #they just wanted a nice bow #the collector can do a lot of stuff but i don't think he's good at bows #i was drawing a lot of antagonistic beheaded/collector content so i wanted to do some more cute junk #okay a lot is an exaggeration. still #need some guys being buds content sometimes #weird monster guys doing domestic shit is my favorite genre #i got a bonus at holiday time and im tempted to buy a tablet i can use portably #esp because holy fuck i don't know how to draw anymore #but also i just spent stupid money on tickets to live podcasts so i probably shouldn't #unrelated im very upset today because fucking UPS didn't ring my goddamn doorbell and so “”missed me“” and couldnt deliver my specialty meds #why must i get my meds through ups #because the us is a hellscape and i am beholden to my health insurance company #ups who has literally never managed to get a package to this apartment #tbh im stressed as fuck about having to go through this every goddamn month

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senselessalchemist · 2 months

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Pretending it's still 2011 and making playlists is a thing that happens

#dead cells #the beheaded #the collector #is the collector actually associated with the moon?#definitely at least superficially #just by general... like... proximity #but tbh at this point sometimes i dont know what is actually supported and what was just something that i thought once and was like yeah #but yeah its a ship playlist that ive spent a stupid amount of time on #shrugs #i think its good #the music is nice anyway #some of it is incredibly on the nose and some is more vibey but i tried to make it flow and have a kind of narrative #enjoy if its your kinda thing #its my kinda thing because back in the day it was one of the only ways i found new music #so im very fond of them #Spotify

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senselessalchemist · 3 months

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sometimes I look at the folders of 2 (3?)-plus years of art that has never been posted (or only posted extremely privately) and think I should try to monetize this somehow to help pay for certain medical procedures that are not covered by insurance

But then remember that there is not a market and so just move on to more reasonable strategies like saving money every month. also it is extremely antithetical to my nature to advertise myself (made getting a new job fuckin loads of fun) even for a cause like being more comfortable in my body so I doubt it would ever go anywhere

Also also I would feel bad about getting money for my dumbass drawings and/or weird written bullshit that isnt good enough for ao3

#already paid 2k out of pocket for orthodontia #if i do ever date again at least i want to have nicer teeth godamnit #dating is already terrifying enough without being incredibly ashamed of my mouth #also they reccomended it for health reasons so #couldnt afford braces as a kid so im 🌟treating myself🌟 now #maybe if i meet my deductible and get a letter theyll pay for surgery #problem is im not dysphoric enough for it to be like A Medical Problem #just like mildly all the time a little upset at having tits #but i anticipate it will probably only get worse esp with continued hormone treatment #ah well whatever ive survived with tits for like 18 years i can probably get by a few more #i hate that i have even a slight motivation to turn what is supposed to be the thing i do to make myself happy into more work #its already hard enough to start drawing these days and im thinking about more pressure?#sigh. maybe i should just take like a deliberate month off and specifically not draw rather than incidentally not draw #and focus on other things. fallow fields and all that #i dunno life is just a lot sometimes #and my goddamn bathtub doesnt seal right so the tub drains and im like come the fuck on i wanted to soak

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senselessalchemist · 3 months

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MGS alert noise

#saroart #dead cells #the beheaded #times 3 #fuckin strongbad's “there is [x] of them” will never not play in my head when there's [x] of something #mushroom boi!#or i guess the enemy version whose name i do not remember #do the little ones grow into the big ones #because that would sure be something if they evolved like the leghuggers do #they bonk enough enemies and then get Tall and Swole #unfortunately this is the only recent doodle that is postable on tumblr

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senselessalchemist · 3 months

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fancy dress(es)

#saroart #dead cells #the beheaded #the collector #sometimes i just wanna draw egregious folds and leg slits #and don't want to draw skulls #a problem when one of the few things you wang to draw consistently is the collector dead cells #and i usually just ignore several of the skulls in his uhhhh canon design but theres still at least two #anyway please forgive me #the heart wants (to draw) what the heart wants (to see in the world and no one else is gonna do it for me so i guess * rolls up sleeves *)

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senselessalchemist · 3 months

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got to sleep in for 1/2 hour before fridge woke me up with a horrid grinding sound, what a luxurious way to begin my weekend

#i just don't want to deal with getting it replaced if its dying #i have literally rebought all my fridge and freezer food twice in the past 6 months for fridge issues which is probably a sign #but i dont want to do it again and have to talk to my rental agency #i just want it to fix itself >> and not be a goddamn problem #and like do i have to fuckin take time off out of my limited pto so that i could be around for the removal/installation of a new fridge?#unintelligible noises of frustration

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senselessalchemist · 3 months

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Beach vacation

#saroart #dead cells #the beheaded #the collector #that books gonna get ruined #also seems kinds dangerous to hang out on rhose beaches but oh well!

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senselessalchemist · 3 months

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apparently I preordered an audiobook when I had a free one from audible (yes I know but if they want to give me a poor person an audiobook I am too weak to resist, also it's how I get my stormlight archive fix every few years) and I don't know what it is and I am also afraid to check because I am a very weird coward with issues about notifications

#what could it be #i know its not stormlight archive 5 because i would be having way more an excited fit if it were #them fuckers are my number 1 comfort books to listen to and it would be cool to have a new one #sighs #last time i checked everyone was theorizing kaladin would die in 5 #which i will accept with dignity but it will make me very sad because (sincere moment)#kaladin stormblessed being his depressed and traumatized and extremely ill self and both continuing anyway #but also recognizing that he couldnt continue in the same way #have helped me get through some real tough shit #also navani strangely enough who i was like okay with up until RoW #but then getting more of her experience while i was being severely emotionally abused kinda... yeah #but yeah my new audiobook isn't stormlight 5 so #maybe if i force myself to check it'll be a fun reveal #and then i can listen to a book i was apparently into enough to preorder #last new book i read was in august 🙃#and i feel such pressure to read so i can be a better writer #but i dont waaaaant toooooo because emotions can be painful and i don't want to hurt #sincere moment over #positively i have written 26kish words and i kind of have an idea of how things fit together #just gotta clme up with the overarching structure for this one #the present-past flip-flop was an accident that came from the fic starting out as a one-shot and then getting Too Fucking Long #and then i decided i liked it and had a little fun time trying to tie each part to the next with some specific imagery or theme or event #this one can't do that... or at least not in exactly the same way #i have a couple of ideas and i guess ill see what works #i like gimmicky bullshit too much and i apologize #but luckily no one has to read my fics so they can't complain that im gimmicky #on thursday i have a dreaded dentist appointment but on the plus side i have often written the best in medical waiting rooms #fingers crossed #(also on thursday i am getting a pakige with stuff that will let me set up a 2nd monitor and that is exciting)

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senselessalchemist · 3 months

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On one of my usual walking routes there's a pair of mannequin legs out in the front garden of one house and today they were standing in and topped with snow

There's nothing else to this really but I do enjoy someone having a pair of very shapely mannequin legs that cut off at the lower torso out in all elements. If no one else got me the mannequin legs on [redacted street name] got me

#honestly they are aspirational legs #quite well endowed which i guess will sell pants?#like damn dude youre just out and about like that 😳#please im an innocent person i can't be exposed to such things #(lmao)#in the spring/summer they have a planter on top of them #which is also very good because then walking plant with a nice ass #but right now they are just cold and stoic #i would have taken a pic but my phone camera wasn't working #it wasn't anyway but then i did drop my phone in the bath yesterday and so possibly now is completely dead #i knew it was a danger but i like being on my phone in the bath too much to quit #mannequin legs i salute you and your well sculpted and impressive but featureless bulge #maybe ill do fanart lmao #i keep not drawing so it wont be good but it might inspire me to clean the millimeter of dust off my tablet #i like money but i wish i had the energy to do much besides eat and sleep outside of work

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senselessalchemist · 4 months

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The Beheaded makes a pitch

#saroart #dead cells #the beheaded #the collector #bad comic #art is all over the place because holy fuck im so tired #this idea has bounced around in my head like a dvd screensaver for a long time #also the views expressed in this comic are not necessarily the views of the author #dont come at me because its good and does amazing dps or whatever i know it has high damage per tick #it can be a little annoying in dailies when you dont get cells #and i do want more boss stuff #beheaded just wants a cool sword #collector would be one of those dont talk to me until ive had my coffee assholes #but yknow its panacea #in fact that was one of the earliest pieces of dc fanart i drew #dont think i ever posted it here and thats fine #god i miss when art was easy tho

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senselessalchemist · 4 months

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Got a plant for a holiday gift and I don't know if I've been so giddily excited for a present since I got my gameboy color at 8 years old

#first step into plant dad life #or plant parent life #whatever #i want more now #i have had them for only a few days but i love them #i also have a small spider living in a corner #house is full of friends now #i am so excited to water my plant and make a note on my calendar so i water at the right times #is my life dull? unequivocally yes but now i have a PLANT #a plant and i wrote like 800 words today hell yeah #unfortunately i think i am sick so that sucks #anyone want to make me food #haha jk unless #what if i lied in bed and you made me food and we were both worried about me getting you sick #i may have taken too much cold medicine my apologies for my idiocies #gnight world

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senselessalchemist · 4 months

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CW: blood and medical stuff

It is just over 7 years now since my diagnosis with an autoimmune* disease (~10 years since symptoms started) and I don't really have anything profound or useful to say, but A) don't let people tell you it's just stress without any further testing if you have unexplained internal bleeding and B) if you literally can't stay awake because you've been bleeding for a few months straight, don't listen to the PCP who tells you not to go to the hospital because your hands are too pink and rosy for you to actually be anemic and there's not much the hospital will be able to do for you anyway

Two-ish days after that appointment I was in the hospital and almost immediately getting a transfusion because I was so anemic. (I would end up getting a 2nd as well because continued bleeding + already low on blood = first one not enough.) Stayed there for almost a month until they got the bleeding under control.

This could have happened to anyone but it's hard not to think that being afab probably had something to do with the downplaying and dismissal of symptoms for 3ish years before being diagnosed. They did the classic "it's probably just stress" because I was a senior in college (and possibly because afab). I don't want to make this a never trust medical professionals kind of thing, because there are many good ones and some of them probably saved my life and/or prevented me from having major surgery (which turned out not to be necessary at the time b/c the med they tried started to work)... but also when things are obviously wrong and especially if they recur (like unexplained bleeding cropping up again and again over years) maybe don't take "it's just stress" as an explanation. Also fuck the doctor who thought he could diagnose anemia or lack thereof by hand color and who advised against further treatment ("just wait until your specialist appointment in a month!")

*there does seem to be some debate about whether my particular condition should be classified as autoimmune or not, but enough people do at this moment I'm just gonna go with it because it's treated like many autoimmune diseases are, with various immunosuppressants or immune system modulating medications

#time of year has made me contemplative #happy to say that despite being astronomically expensive my treatment seems to be working fairly well #big fuck you to the pharmaceutical company that makes my med tho #they gave various high up people massive raises and raised the price of my drug 🙃#anyway i also know that getting medical help isnt that easy and i fucking wish it were for everyone #im sorry that shit is fucked in the us and almost certainly other places as well in the same or different ways #but if you possibly can and if something is medically amiss i just want to encourage being an advocate for yourself #i know it fucking sucks and you shouldn't have to fucking fight just to get baseline competent treatment #but... yeah sometimes it just seems to have to be that way #medical stuff #blood #bodies can be the fucking worst with all the bullshit that can go wrong

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senselessalchemist · 4 months

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Youtube waited 2 weeks to recommend me new motion twin game trailer? But served me like 20 jerma clips in that same period that I immediately said "do not recommend" to? Literally don't know what the fuck the algorithm is thinking. (I am begging algorithm stop fucking showing me that streamer man I do not like him I do not want to watch clips of him or compilations or vods or anything.)

I am... torn, because obviously something like this was coming, and I will likely enjoy the game, but I've been so spoiled by semi regular Dead Cells updates and also it's my Thing, and I'm bad at dealing with endings, so this is very bittersweet. More on the bitter side than sweet tbh but I'm actively trying to be a non-bitter person so.

Cute little guys tho, can't deny that. Definitely hope the game keeps some of the same visual interest as dead cells b/c probably one of the things that does make me come back to it is the visuals, especially the color palettes. Hades is very good in that regard too (and probably better in terms of style, but I'm a sucker for pixel art), but a lot of games* vaguely in the same arena as dead cells are beautiful but muted and/or deliberately kind of dark/grimy/restricted to very limited color palettes. Based on the fairly limited footage it definitely looks like it will.

*games I've actually played. There could be hundreds of great pretty bright games that get lumped into the same broad metroidvania/roguelike/roguelite/whatever category as dead cells that I havent experienced. Only speaking to what I've been exposed to personally.

#sad! but trying to deal with it!#and not become a worse person than i already am!#oh well let's ramble about something else #i want to know what % of dead cells fic ive written (on ao3) by i guess numbee of words #i feel like it might be high #but also i do not want to do the work to figure that out #so it will remain a mystery #yes i am not like a healthy person and yes i am self conscious about it #but as long as im trying to not hurt people as best i can and im doing something worthwhile in the world #i let myself have my stupid little interests and draw my stupid little doodles and write my silly nonsense

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senselessalchemist · 4 months

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Been so busy with work I forgot to be depressed about holidays. Luckily I fixed that by getting off work early today

This helped tho

#big collector re: the beheaded being a nuisance vibes #which is why it helped because shit man its been like 3 years? and still have the good ol dead cells hyperfixation #happy almost anniversary for my first dead cells fic #anyway yeah im depressed and ive listened to all my comfort listens multiple times this year already #so i dunno what im gonna do to stave off bleak despair #maybe draw something? maybe draw something #i dont have a holiday comic this year #just no energy after work and i cant take the laptop and tablet on the train #sad but also i need fuckin money to live so #i am also going to make very untraditional cornish pasties #beef and not lamb and no parsnips because lamb is fucking expensive and i just didnt want to buy parsnips #hope all yalls holidays are happier than mine!#sincerely and honestly i really just want other people to be content and safe and to find a place in the world that fulfills them #anyway peace im gonna fall asleep in the bath and wreck my phone lmao

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senselessalchemist · 4 months

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I made tomato soup from scratch (why? I dont know, it was like possession from beyond) and now my studio apartment smells unceasingly of roasted garlic and there are tomato spatters all over my kitchen and also all over me and my phone

#immersion blender my... mild enemy #useful but fuck it makes a mess #i even went with the huge pot to try to reduce spatter #but there was so much spatter still #also i was not wearing a shirt because fuck wearing a shirt at home and it must be said molten tomato on tits is not preferred #not recommended #really i should wear a shirt when cooking #but anyway #i did have grillcheese with the soup so possibly that damn post is still lurking in my brain #in other news i have written 21k words that might actually be eventually publishable fic #after like 5 false starts #this goddamn fic is absolutely curbstomping me and has been for months #but maybe i have made some inroads and i do have 2 commutes a day to write on the train #and there will be a kind of happy ending to this little narrative arc ive made in my head #aw fuck i need to sleep to get up at 530

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