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they should let you get xrays and mris just cause. i wanna see what my skelinton looks like. i wanna see my organs and shit

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this story is so funny that it makes me want to become a personal injury attorney. we’d be giggling all the way to the bank.

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i think I'm in an amusing place bc Ive given it a lot of thought, I really enjoy stories and art etc about men and masculinity, usually ofc more stylized but the concepts are always fun...I'm not attracted to guys at all, at least not sexually or romantically (I've concluded this for years). I've also thought about my gender and did some questioning a few years ago which was fun and glad I did, but now I think I feel very solidly a cis woman and it's chill. I don't even think I'm particularly more interested in masculine or feminine things.... (Tho maybe being fujo feels feminine, and kind of a funny part of this, I feel very woman about it.)

But in a way I feel very intrigued by them, like....all men are brothers ...or should be, and I'm sad when it's not the case. I like guys, I don't always get along with them, misogyny from men is frustrating to deal with of course, and I think just statistically in my relationships and maybe just bc of social school and activity circles I tend to have more friends with women. But I have a real fondness for guys and guy-ness even if I don't always vibe with or relate to everyone. I think it's neat. I wish guys could vibe with women in the same way too, I'm glad for the interactions I have had.....we can be brothers and sisters .....

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Getting my taste of a full time job life and oof (I'm sure getting paid would sweeten the deal a lot more tho)

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im not emotionally strong enough to be an artist

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im usually pretty good at functioning but at home doing basic chores and maintenance makes me want to *cartoon explosion* bc I always get hit with a dreaded sense of Everything in Life even pleasurable things necessary things being So Much Work. So many little tasks to constantly constantly constantly remember or else it will al collapse or whatever. Maddening *multiple cartoon explosions* piles upon piles of the same mundane shit that never ends, and pleasure and relief extracted from it all is so fleeting. And then I go back to thinking about goofy creative projects and then life and labor feels worth living again

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passed multiplanar after using my Genius Study skills of Staying Up the Night Before, channeling Artist Art History Image Recognition skills after spending all my time on Twitter and girlrotting and thinking elaborate doujin thoughts instead of studying

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Here’s a reminder for anyone who thinks that conservatives accept aces: they think we need to be fixed. They think women and feminine people are inherently asexual but they mean it in a way that agency is removed, not as an orientation.

It’s also not a sudden switch. The churches I grew up in preached that sexuality was reserved for your husband, and that if you had boobs (they didn’t recognize anything but cis existed) that your body was inherently tempting, and men’s attraction to you was your responsibility.

Also — while I went to church camp every summer and did Bible Quizzing (I was really good at that actually) and was in the church pageant and youth groups and all of that — I know many people raised in much stricter churches, and that includes stricter purity culture beliefs.

The idea that men and masculine people wouldn’t want sex? Utterly unthinkable. I even remember having conversations in my Christian college with women who wanted to get married who said that part of their marriage was the duty to be sexually available to their husbands.

The body I was raised with was meant for the service of a future husband, not me. And that bled into secular culture (still does). Claiming my aceness was a huge part of claiming agency over my body and healing from the idea that it could only exist for others.

Here’s the thing: in a nutshell, women and feminine people are seen as not wanting sex, but having bodies inherently sexually tempting to men and masculine people. When the two marry, she must give her body to her husband in every way. And yeah, it’s as gross as it sounds.

Just because conservatives didn’t say “asexual” before doesn’t make this rhetoric new. Purity culture has been against anything not based in some 1950s idealized sexuality in marriage for a very long time. Very cis heteronormative— two things aces are not. The only difference is that conservatives are including the word “asexual” in their sexual ethics now.

Wrote an essay about it here.

But yeah it’s not new. They’re just learning how to use more vocabulary to say what they were already saying.

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i didn't think acephobia would get to me so hard but it sucks ass in real life :/ also I wish I could look at or engage with more ace stuff online without it devolving into posts or stupid arguments about the sexualities of fictional characters that don't exist. glad people could have fun and meaning but fictional representation really does not mean much to me at all in the large worldview. What are people dealing with in real life. How do people treat the freaks and "problematic" weirdos and creators who engage with sexual topics and interests without having those desires in real life......just a maladjusted dysfunctional body amirite

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my concentration has been SHOT ever since my last test and also Easter it's sOOO bad how behind I am on some (to be fair optional) assignments but I really need to get the ball rolling aaaa I need to take break to catch up on everything and also so I don't bomb both the tests that I DO have the week afterwards

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i think I went into this field trying to be more "normal" but actually you need to be a sicko to survive here too hahaaaaa

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Ive been too busy to diary but. So far so good. Last week kinda flop bc I missed out on some important homework assignments which was embarrassing but I promise I’m gonna do better.

clinicals is also going good, I have 6 competencies signed off!!! Chest, Wrist, ankle, foot, hand, and tib fib. I’m still super fail at like doing things on my own but my log sheets I’m spending more time on and I’m trying to follow Tech E’s advice and be more diligent in the routine like sanitizing, gloving, etc. hopefully I don’t get chewed out more at my SVP…

hw I’m embarrassingly bad at studying as usual but I think it’s bc lecture sucks SO BAD. I usually just end up doodling at lecture instead of paying attention. I think tho bc working is hard at home I want to use my class time to actually do the workbook or hw stuff better…it’s all anatomy and fact things which usually I’m good at but unfortunately here, thinking you know isn’t as good as ACTUALLY being able to reproduce knowledge!!!!

food wise: I’m eating well! Happy to say I have NOT been eating out horrendously for almost a month now. I pack my lunches, I eat a lot of cabbage and beans (farty) and sweet potato. Last week I cooked up a bunch of chicken breast chunks so I use that in my meal prep with some curry and paprika. Trying hard to make things tasty so I’m not tempted to spend more money, the tough part tho is breakfasts/mornings—I love getting my matcha drinks and pastries at the shop as I rush to school or work.

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Also sign I'm in a calm state is probably that before my period I was just normal goofy and horny and not falling into despair spiral which is a lot more fun

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updates. School busy as hell. Clinicals are also busy. Worried about documenting things correctly, had a scare the other day bc j thought I lost my clipboard but a tech had put it away. I'm still sticking to my desire to cook and bring my lunches and not eat out every day. Unfortunately on Sunday i ran out of my pre-made meals and thus splurged on eating out at work, also I bought expensive ice cream which maybe takes me out of the budget anyways. But still it feels good to cook and eat. Trying to eat more vegetables. My biggest impulse spending is getting sweets at breakfast bc it's easy so I'll have to figure something out for that

Overall tho so far NOT depressed like I was last semester panicking about stuff I'm determined to try and stay ahead of the game by taking better care of myself at least. Ive been washing every day in sponge bath since I can't always bring myself to shower, and also changing my clothes for real....i was such a slob last year and that's probably why my mental health took a dive for a bit bc I thought spending any time not worrying or doing school stuff was gonna be bad for me. Well, we will see how things go

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dunm3shi for real inspiring me to cook while I can and eat well. Actually packed a real lunch today which was great, also ate a Fruit

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bruh first day of clinicals was wild. A lot of fun but also I'm pretty sure I messed up the stupid forms but I'll compare notes with my classmates tomorrow. Time flies by for real tho

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i splurged and got some wonton soup and green beans for lunch today and since then I have not stopped farting