smolspaceboii-blog - Tumblr blog

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You're not true Bros until both of you break down crying and laughing in the parking lot of Albertsons while talking bout how shitty life is, while also low-key dying because of the heat.

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I'm hoping this comes before AX! Ima cosplay 2 days and focus more on taking pics of others the other 2, hopefully. Probably post them if they're good enough lol. And hella good day today~ Did some practice for a vid my bro and I are doing soon (I'm tired but feel accomplished) and just feel good. Ayeeeee

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Tae + places = (T)aesthetics No.2

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I don’t have mirrors in my room.

Now don’t get me wrong, they’re great for when I do makeup for cosplays, or when I need to check out my clothes like a boss, or to see whether or not ill need a beanie to cover up my shitty hair.

But I don’t like mirrors.

I hate them because when I see myself for longer than 5 seconds I don’t see me.

I see a body constructed by fiction, something created from the minds of those around me that have seen me for the past 20 years, but who haven’t seen…

ME.

I am the boy who is stuck in this cursed body, trapped in this life that is suffocating me ever so slowly.

I am the boy who loves art, but finds it so hard to create because I feel like all the work I do will never amount to anything and my parents and siblings will be right after all.

I am the boy who loves to watch cartoons and anime and movies, not because they’re cool or colorful, but because I can submerge myself into something so beautiful, so fake, but something so real to me that allows me to breathe - to breathe.

I am the boy who loves his family, but feels like a burden, a loser, a disappointment, because my parents had such high hopes for me, had such dreams, but I shattered them all because they are not my dreams.

I don’t want to end up hating my job, or doing something I never wanted to do. I want to do something that makes me feel proud of me. Because if I can find something that allows me to feel as though I’ve done something proud of then  I feel as though I could finally live.

I am the boy who is happy, but happy is just something to portray over the sadness and stress because everyone expects you to be happy, because why can’t you just be happy? I mean, I have my family and my friends and my dogs and my school and my dreams, so why can’t I just be happy? Think happy? Bleed happy? Breathe happy?

I’m happy.

It’s not like I lay awake at night, drowning in all my hopes and dreams that my depression crushes right in front of me.

No, no. I’m happy.

He doesn’t whisper in my ear throughout the day, hissing through yellow clenched teeth that I am never going to pass as male, or transition, or be accepted, or become anything that my parents will deem as an accomplishment and praise me like they used to when I would get an A on that spelling test.

I’m happy.

He doesn’t suffocate me, reaching his hands through my body blindly grasping, squeezing my lungs, crushing me – Just breathe. Breathe. 

Smile. Be happy.

He doesn’t make me eat less and less, dream less, sleep less, be less because if I ever try to be more he will just stab in the chest, making my blood gush  out all of my insecurities, vulnerable and unfiltered for all to see. And fuck, I have a lot. My arms and legs can tell you all of them, let them spell out all of their hidden secrets I’ve kept exclusively to my ears and my body  that you will never see, only if I let you because they’re very shy and wary of wandering eyes. But it’s ok, because no one ever sees them, so all my secrets are safe with them.

Pause. Think.

Maybe that’s why my dad drinks, to be able to run away from the life he built that is slowly crumbling in his palms. Maybe that’s why my mother loves flowers, because it’s something that she can groom to her will and not become a disappointment. Sand is hard to stick together, and flowers are always beautiful. Maybe that’s why my parents don’t love each other. Maybe that’s why I am scared to love someone because it’s scary to think how you can love someone and then just no love them at all. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped trying to build sand castles, because I know they’ll crumble. Maybe that’s why I don’t grow flowers because I know they’ll die.

 Pause.

Wasn’t this story about mirrors?

Sorry, I tend to get side tracked but it’s easy to do that when your words are heard of and acknowledged for once, in this topic.

It’s heavy; it sucks, but must be said. Because my body is tired of keeping all its secrets. I am tired of lying through my teeth. I am tired of crying the truth.

I am not happy. I am tired.

I don’t like mirrors.

They show too much of me that I’d rather say hidden.  

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hey i might as well upload these too…

i love….voltron and AUs….. (age change planet? an excuse to draw babies)

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Fixed and coloured a sketch from September!

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shiro/allura: procreate keith/lance: I Will Be The Best Uncle

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mostly sad lance, bc I’m in the mood

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America entering WW1 because Germany wouldn’t stop sinking their ships 

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Do you ever just feel sad?

I tend to feel sad quiet often. It’s something I just can’t help. I have a lot of bad days too. Those days suck monkey balls. 

A lot.

Days where waking up feels like the most impossible task in the world, and where it feels like I’m walking through a fake reality, which feels like hell. My mind and body feel muddy, which makes concentrating almost impossible. And I’m so emotional that I feel if someone we’re to even look at me weird, I’d cry. It seriously sucks. Other days I just want to be left alone, have no one talk to me and I talk to no one. My throat feels constricted and all I honestly want to do is try to escape that feeling by reading or listening to music, and definitely not trying to socialize or converse. Even with friends. And sometimes I feel like hurting myself. Just to feel like I can breathe instead of feeling my lungs are filled with water. Different types of bad days, in a span of different times, but all these bad days I feel unloved. Like a waste of space. Like a failure. Just a nobody going through life. These are the days I question why I didn’t try to disappear, like I wanted to, years ago. I feel so much despair, so much pain, so... hopeless.

But despite so many bad days, I also have many good days.

I have so, so many good days. Days where I can smile and laugh genuinely. Where I hang out with my friends, going places or just hanging out and I feel so content with everything going on. The playful jests, the mediocre fast food, the laughs we share. Days like those I don’t second guess myself and I’m able to feel good. I’m able to have so much fun, even if the only thing I’m doing is cooking or drinking tea or reading a book. These days I can be productive by cleaning my room, my clothes, drawing, or just relaxing. These days I’m able to draw and believe that my art is good. My mind is clear and my body feels so light. I feel so wanted and loved and happy. I feel like talking my head off, spilling all the things I couldn’t days before, even if I’m only talking about conspiracy theories (Aliens are real) or retelling a stupid joke from years ago. Being able to speak my mind, being able to talk to random strangers, being able to breathe. And feel like I can take the world. I don’t feel scared of the future. I feel like my dreams and hopes are attainable, which I know are attainable as long as I keep trying. I feel so alive, so hopeful, so.. free.

I have a lot of bad days, and will probably continue to do so, but I will also have a lot of great days coming up. Whether with my friends, family, or even by myself. I will have good days. The good days will definitely outshine the bad. And those beautiful days are so, so precious to me.

Life is, and will never be perfect. But I’m so thankful.

Do you ever just feel happy?

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Klance week Day 1: Red and Blue

They swapped frames. 

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Support and Validate Lance Mcclain 2k17

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For @klangst-week - #1 Unrequited Pining/Love