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Can't Unsee It

While exploring Mass Effect VAs, I accidentally discovered today that Anders DA2 VA is also the voice of Pipin in FFXIV. I'm not sure I can recover from this.

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Imagined Conversations

Me: Crashes down from a 3rd floor jump.

Solas: Can you please stop jumpscaring me when you drop down from Leliana's place?

Me: Sorry (not sorry), since we're home for a few days, let's go have lunch on the battlements? You can tell me a Fade story.

Solas: That sounds lovely. See you in 30.

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When you're not looking

They creep up on you, you know? The feels. I’ve started playing Mass Effect 1 this last week and I am not a fan of gun fantasy or this genre which I have learned is called pop up shooter? lean out shooter? I have no idea. I’m playing on casual so I don’t have to be arsed with gear or guns or what my companions are using as long as the numbers go up and the color are green.

I only restarted it once because I didn’t like how I looked and didn’t like how I was getting conned into romancing people. So after the first act, I restarted. I also have a bunch of modernizing qol mods like everything marked on the planet maps and bypassing mini games. I’m here for the long form story, not to die of old age while I drive all over planets in silence.

Also thank you to all the modern texture modders and sims hair porters. You're doing the lord's work.

It takes me a while to warm up to people and characters but I’m finally getting there. I was just trucking through the game, completing everything I could find in the early Citadel, talking to everyone, figuring out planets to go to and trying to find the immersion. I now find myself thinking about them some when I’m not playing and looking forward to spending time in game. Then of course I get there and it’s just miles of driving in silence. I’m here for the long game though and the world building. 

So I persevere. I’m collecting everything, reading almost everything. I’ve given up reading planet descriptions although I still skim them all to ensure I’m reading memes and pirate stories. The codex isn’t as good as Dragon Age, it just isn’t. I can only read so many planet atmosphere compositions before I die.

I am here for the long game. But weirdly, not the romance. Don’t laugh, I’m not ready. Sometimes I think my video game heart may never be over Inquisition heart break. But it’s only been two months. So Shep is leaning into her Sole Survivor background, keeping everyone at arm’s length while coping with her trauma by compulsively trying to save everyone she can now.

It’s very hard to avoid romance with these new companions. ME1 friends really want to fuck. Everyone thinks Shep is “sweet on” Kaiden but I think it’s only because she always talks to him first because he’s by the elevator, so his “interest” dialogue got triggered first. And I’m used to clicking all the dialogue. I haven’t had to be careful about avoiding dialogue choices since DA:O. And those at least gave you complete sentences as clues to what you were saying.

I like what ME is showing me so far. I like how Wrex is deeper than he likes to let on. That just because he likes to fight doesn’t mean he’s not packing some intellect. It’s cool that we can nudge Garrus down the paragon or renegade path as we travel. This earliest of 3d rpgs doesn’t have a lot of room for nuance but I can see the seeds whence sprung our modern story games.

I’d meant the ME paragraph to be an intro to other things, and planned to talk about how Solas feelings snuck up on me. But there you are, it turned into a ME post instead. 

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Fending Off the Existential Dread

Everyone was still doing what they could to contribute to the hunt and the gathering of information. She knew they wouldn’t find him, but it made everyone feel better, thinking they were preparing as best they could.

Preparing for what though, she always wondered. She figured she’d just wake up in a hellscape one day, similar to the time at Redcliffe when the breach was everywhere and the Veil torn open. Or perhaps he’d mastered time magic and she just wouldn’t wake up at all. He’d remake the world starting over from before the Veil and none of these moments would ever exist, would never have happened. She’d never have been real.

How do you prepare for that?

I started work on a GMV as part of working through my feelings about this dumb game. But I realized being a beginner at video work, I wouldn't be able to figure out how to do some of the more complicated edits I wanted. So I started writing some text narration to go with the video and before I knew it I had 15 paragraphs written and I'm not done yet. I've never even read a fanfic in my life much less been moved to write about a video game. It's wild what this game has done to me.

I wish I'd played it sooner and been able to wallow in my sadness with the community before DATV.

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I still visit

I started my first playthrough of ME the other day as a way to take my mind off all my friends in Inquisition. I've also started writing a bit at night about my inquistor's broken heart and the years after.

Even though I played a couple hours of ME1 last night, just before bed I logged into a DAI save game and just walked around Skyhold to talk to all my friends. Anyone else ever do that? No? Just me? k.

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Thank You

I love all the hearts and reblogs and comments I've gotten so far on these posts. And I'll keep loving them. I'm ver afraid to look at anyone's pages though or follow links to blogs because I'm trying to stay in the dark about Veilguard while I work through all these other DA feels.

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The end of an era, or a lifetime

The many flavors of grief and coping

Playing through Trespasser for the second time, talking with Leliana especially, where she talks about her memories from Origins and before, takes me all the way back too 2010 when I played Origins for the first time. She was beautiful in her baby-faced earnestness. I've loved having her in my DA:I life so much.

I know I still have Veilguard to play through, but, as of this writing, the Veilguard/Bioware team is disbanded, mostly fired. There won’t be any more Dragon Age and I grieve. It’s strange because I didn’t think at all about Dragon Age for 10 years or more except in nostalgic terms. But I’ve rediscovered my love for the lore and stories of Thedas and I grieve that just as I rediscover it, it’s ending.

I'm still processing my grief and other emotions from playing through Inquisition in December and those feelings are all jumbled up with these feelings.

I played through Inquisition 4 times in a row and it's still what I want to do at night when my brain is too tired to do anything else. I open up the game and walk around Thedas with my friends. I know it's time to move on and let them rest but it's really hard to give them up.

This last fall/winter I did this:

Did a thorough playthrough of Origins and realized I still remembered everything, even dialogue responses.

Did a half assed playthrough of Awakening because I wanted the blood magic tome to do another playthrough as a blood mage in Origins

Started a playthrough of blood mage origins and got bored, moved on to my first ever playthrough of DA2

Made it halfway through DA2, realized I had some wrong outcomes from my origins import and became increasingly anxious because I hadn't paid as much attention as I should have in Awakening (Anders...) and also Nathaniel died because I guess he didn't have enough gear in end game.

Restarted Origins for a meticulous playthrough of Origins and Awakening. Both for the lore and to get the Nathaniel quest. If I knew what I know today, I'd have put Anora on the throne and kept Alistair for myself so I could see him more in DA2. Alas, I can't live through another playthrough (although I set it up like that in my Dragon Age Keep for import into DAI for maximum heartbreak).

Restarted DA2 for a full playthrough, had my heart broken by Anders

Started Inquisition, hated it, went back to DA2 some.

Replayed DA2 a few weeks later when it went on sale on Steam and I could play the DLC (I was playing on my original pre-order disc from 10 years ago).

Went back to DA:I, modded most of my issues away, started playing it and eventually fell in love with it. The Dawn Will Come will always be a truly iconic moment for me. Eventually had my beating heart ripped out of my chest by my romance choice, skipped the other DLC because I needed to play Trespasser instantly for my mental health.

Instantly started a new game so I could get the romance Cullen and I both deserved

Played a third time as a human woman for something different, because I wanted to experience the Iron Bull romance.

Started a 4th playthrough as my canon elf to do a completionist run (I'm 67/69 achievements now too) and start recording footage for therapeutic video making

I actually just finished an EM/Dorian romance playthrough, with just bare minimum power so I could see that story as well.

Dance with Dorian mod. Worth it.

I'm still working on footage for some music video ideas I have and it's really hard to let this game and these characters go. I spent this weekend researching and modding ME1 Legendary because I've never played that story. I'm not sure I'm ready to make new friends yet. But I feel like I need to try.

I'm avoiding Veilguard because I don't think I can care about a new player character. I only care about closure for my Inky. Until I can care about this Rook person and their friendships and connections, I will wait. Surely the emotional hold my inquisitor has over me will fade with time. Won't it?

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Anders, my heart

Walking the Fade: A Harrowing

I'm currently replaying DAI. A "canon" playthrough so I can get footage for a video I want to make. Today we went into the Fade and I ran across a codex entry that made me shed a few tears. This had to be from  Anders. I don't know why I didn't realize it the first time I played through. Probably just overwhelmed with input.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I found myself on a plateau of swirling smoke and mist. I could not see my feet, or perhaps I had no feet in that place. Each step was treacherous. I had to believe there was a ground. If I didn't, there wouldn't be, and I would fall into nothingness. I was protected only by my will and my magic.

The demon they made me face took the shape of a great cat. As we battled, it spoke in my mind. It told me that I would eventually stumble, and then it would pounce. The demon talked to me of the templars beyond the Veil, standing over my paralyzed body, their swords pointed at my heart, waiting for the moment of my failure. All it would take was a splinter of fear, a seed of doubt, and I would be unmade. The demon would devour my mind, and the templars would destroy what was left of me.

This was my Harrowing. They force this upon all mages and call it good. But it is neither good nor right. It is evil and unjust.

From a partially destroyed journal bearing no name, found in a Kinloch Hold cistern.

Obviously this could be anyone. Many people love cats. But while Anders' life is one of hardship, a common theme is the comfort he's taken from feline companions. A sneaky catto kept him company while in solitary confinement in the tower, til it was possessed by a demon and killed some templars. In DA2 we find him feeding the cats near his clinic.

And of course there is the mighty catto Ser Pounce-A-Lot. Despite my eternal love for Alistair, Ser Pounce-A-Lot is the best gift in the history of Dragon Age gift giving. Fight me. I can also seem him naming the cat Ser Pounce as a way to acknowledge and defy any fears left from his Harrowing.

We also know that Anders writes a lot as can be seen by passing comments from Hawke and friends in DA2.

And really, why would they show us this codex in the Fade unless they intended me to cry?

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An Elf Adrift

I rolled an elf mage after my disastrous tutorial experience with my elf rogue. I rolled an elf because I had mostly played human noble in DA:O replays and of course you’re human in DA2. So I wanted to try something different.

As one does, I walked all over Haven talking to everyone that would stand still to get their stories. It was delightful to run into Cullen as part of this story and be able to flirt with him. Let me tell you, I did not like him in DA:O. I found him annoying and whiny…which speaks more to my own lack of empathy 15 years ago and my ability to view the world from other points of view than it does to his characterization.

I was sold on him in DA2 though. I loved his character growth from DA:O and within the DA2 story. When I had an early opportunity to flirt with him in our first conversation of DA:I, I took it. And I was smitten from that first goofy grin we give him. It’s tragic that a screenshot can’t really capture the full goofy awkwardness of that grin.

Cullen has walked a long and winding road of trauma and tragedy culminating in abuse and deceit from his commanding officer. I imagine the tragedy at the Ferelden Circle made him a lonely and solitary soul. This is a man so isolated he’d rather his family thought him dead.

We first see him again in DA2 threatening a templar recruit who had been awol. My first thought was, wow he grew up just like I thought he would. What a jerk. My diplomatic Hawke was like, wtf bro, don’t pick on kids! And then of course you’re putting the beat down on an abomination that somehow had managed to possess a templar recruit, not even a mage. And you start to get a glimpse into what he might be dealing with in this new assignment.

At this point it’s only been a year since the Blight and Ferelden Circle trauma. He’s been transferred to Kirkwall, didn’t bother to tell his family and coping with his past in ways we can only guess at. It doesn’t seem like the Chantry or Templar institutions have any real mentoring or organizational counseling for their people. It also feels like they shipped him off, not only to get him away from the site of his trauma, but so they also could not bother to worry about it. I expected better of both Gregoir and Irving. Shame on you.

I imagine a guy with this background would really resonate with Meredith, already known for being harsh and overbearing. I admit I didn’t walk the templar side of things in my 3 play throughs of DA2 (Anders my beloved). I’m tempted to do it now but that’s a thought for another day. Suffice to say I ran into Cullen in DAI and was smitten not just by his interactions but by what I know of his background and how it plays into where he is now.

I was ready to romance this man after one goofy grin. And I am outraged that he almost wasn’t a romanceable character. My first time playthrough, if I hadn’t been an elf would have been even more adrift. Blackwall is like someone’s dad, I didn’t find Bull attractive (bad take I know and I have since reveled in his romance) and I didn’t want to romance an adherent to the Qun. Without Cullen, what’s a vanilla latte inquisitor to do? Luckily I never had to find out (on this playthrough anyway). In more ways than one.

As I said, I talk to everyone all the time. I’m on my 4th playthrough and I still sit and listen to everyone when they talk to me. On my first playthrough, I exhausted everyone’s Haven dialogue immediately. I was greedy. Which means I suddenly was spending some time in intense conversation with Solas. The nerdy bald elf. Who was…not at all attractive…?1? I suddenly found myself confused. He was so interesting, and opinionated. And mad about elves and their current state. And he had some radical, intriguing views on spirits and demons and the fade.

Solas also flirts first. This is also something I wasn’t ready for. But I love it.

SOLAS: You train your will to control magic and withstand possession. Your indomitable focus is an enjoyable side benefit. You have chosen a path whose steps you do not dislike, because it leads to a destination you enjoy. As have I. INQUISITOR: (heart option) Indomitable focus? SOLAS: Presumably. I have yet to see it dominated. I imagine that the sight would be… fascinating.

And suddenly I’m warm, my heart speeds up for a few beats and I feel awkward. Did I mention warm? I need to go walk in a snowbank. What is happening? But no, I can’t. Cullen has already claimed my interest and my heart. hasn’t he?

I won’t lie, if you give me a flirt option, I’ll choose it for as long as I’m uncommitted. Many are just too delicious. But also, and this is a very DAI thing, a lot of the “flirts” they gave us just express my deep feelings of friendship and caring for friends, especially if they’re in distress. If I can’t have the heart options during Cullen’s lyrium distress, I will riot.

So in Haven I used all the flirt lines with everyone, except Blackwall, who feels like a dad. But with his flirt-forward, Solas stopped me in my tracks. You’ve got my attention sir.

And on my first playthrough I cleared out most of the Hinterlands, The Coast and Fallow Mire before starting In Hushed Whispers. And as a caring and diplomatic PC, I was racking up all the approvals from him as well. I started stopping and talking to him whenever I could in Haven and he was on my permanent party roster very early.

But I still adored Cullen. He was so cute, and sweet and awkward. I was still on the Cullen track. Then we moved into In Hushed Whispers and everything got really real. Followed closely by In Your Heart Shall Burn. And everything turned itself up to 11.

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Spoilers in the Internet Age — a mixed blessing sometimes

Spoiler warning: This post containers end game spoilers for DA:I and some vague ones for Veilguard. You have been warned.

As anyone playing Final Fantasy 14 for the first time can tell you, it’s very difficult to avoid spoilers if you even think about looking at the Internet. You can’t ever watch a single thing related to what you’re avoiding on youtube or suddenly you’re spammed. There’s no way to block keywords from the algorithm gods.

I also participate in a discord where people are very careful about spoilering everything but sometimes forget to label what game they are spoilering. In the middle of say a DA2 discussion, something would be spoilered but not labeled DA:I and whoops, now I know a thing.

Also there’s just general tribal, genetic knowledge from a game that is 10 years old. I was watching a streamer play through DA:O last year and he casually dropped things like he knows that everyone is obssessed with the bald elf in DA:I. Not really a spoiler but a big cue that I should be paying attention. Because everyone is so horny around here, I thought it meant they all wanted to fuck him. And when I started the game I was confused, because he wasn’t even a little cute. More on that bad take later.

Somewhere at some point I managed to come across the question/theory in one sentence: “Surely Solas is the villain in Veilguard?” This was a bit disappointing but since I know I’m taking my life in my hands every day I walk the Internet, not surprising. I spent a year playing through ff14 with a friend and was repeatedly stabbed by spoilers and fake spoilers on the internet because I thought it was safe to google unrelated-ish other stuff.

Suffice it to say, I knew I should be paying attention to this guy.

On Me and Spoilers: I am one of those people who is so obssessed with the mechanics of a story that I sometimes cannot appreciate it on the first read/watch/play. I’m too worried that tropes will be exploited, stereotypes and cheap plot escapes will be used to avoid telling a meaningful story that could alienate some consumers. So I’m analyzing everything and not able to enjoy myself. It often requires a second read of a book or movie viewing to really enjoy myself.

A small digression, I remember watching Big Fish for the first time and being transported out of that need to analyze everything before I can enjoy. And sobbed myself silly over it. It was such a great story, you knew his father would die in the end and that it was just the journey through stories that was bringing him and the viewer more understanding. It was so well done. The story told you what was going to happen and then took you on an absurd journey to get there.

But even FF14 which I hold up as a great example of character development and story telling in gaming is better for me on a second playthrough. Sometimes you need to know what’s coming to really appreciate the poignancy and despair in the moment.

So while I knew a few things about DAI early on, I think it helped me enjoy it a bit more. Because of course, knowing that someone is the villain doesn’t mean you know they’re going to reach into your chest and rip out your beating heart before the game even ends.

This is not a trope I have experienced in video games. I’m a diplomatic Hawke, I believe in giving people the chance to atone, I don’t like needless violence (which is why I always play a sneaking rogue), I don’t like killing unless left with no choice. I don’t exile the wardens no matter how mad I am (and I can’t tell you how furious I am that I had to leave my beloved Alistair in the fade to die). I exhaust all dialogue options looking for one that will let me end violence without execution. And I compulsively need my companions’ approval.

I don’t often end up in a position where I experience betrayal mode in Dragon Age. Isabella really surprised me as I’ve already said. I’ve heard Zevran can betray you if you fuck up his approval but never in my world would that happen. I love talking to all my companions, I’m loyal, I do their personal quests and defend them if another one is sniping at them. I did learn to leave them home if I’m going to do something that annoys them. Which basically means Morrigan lived at camp and Fenris also stayed home a lot.

So at the very beginning I knew something was up with this skinny bald elf mage. But I was truly not prepared.

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Imagine Being Heartbroken Over Pixels

Except it’s not so wild is it? Every time I see a streamer in despair and tears in Ishgard or any number of points in Shadowbringers and Endwalker, I remind them, it’s ok to love the people brought to life in a game. Who of us hasn’t cried over a book at least once? Or at least felt emotionally weighed down for a time? There’s no shame in loving these characters magically brought to life by the amazing writers and game devs devoted to doing just that.

Anyone else ever read The Little Prince and sobbed for an hour? No? Just me? When I was a little girl my Grandma found me weeping over Little Women, possibly my first literary death, and I felt vaguely ashamed to be so upset over a story. But as Varric says, “Humans write to figure out how things are.” Stories are how we find out about ourselves and explore the inside places shut away from the world.

I can’t tell you how moved I was by The Dawn Will Come the first time I experienced it. It was such a beautiful moment and having Leliana add her voice carries you all the way back to your party camp in Origins when she sings sadness and hope. Seeing all these characters look lost and hopeless and then even Cullen joining in and finding a moment of hope. Also, meow, his beautiful voice gives me shivers. Please sing to me again sir.

It took playing through FF14 with a friend who loved to talk to every interactable NPC to teach me the power of NPC dialogue. Even in Origins I knew to talk to your companions but I was never very good at talking to the rest of the world. Imagine me in 2024 discovering you could get it on with Dairen or Iona if you took the hint and followed them to the library for more dialogue after meeting them. My love for FF14 the last few years really showed me the value of ambient NPC dialogue and I’ve spent all of my time in the last 4 months playing these games talking to anyone that would stand still. It was lovely.

And it pays off, in addition to adding to immersion and feelings. In DA:I you meet people you can talk to and get their take on things and later save them all from a burning Haven (or not, in my case. I kept triggering their rescue scenarios but not being able to figure out where they were or how to get to them). Unfortunately all 4 died in my first playthrough because I am very bad at visually parsing in a hurry. Very sad. (How bad you ask? I have to pause and put a map marker on all the horse gates in the Hinterlands if I want to race.)

In DA:I, many of the ambient PCs you meet can become agents of the Inquisition. I love that reward.

I miss being able to talk to my friends while walking around. This feature has only gone more downhill with each game and I have heard that Veilguard has completely removed party NPC interaction. I’m withholding judgement but I object to this ongoing simplification of my Party interactions.

We also got a lot fewer party member opinions/interjections in questing in DA:I. Say what you want about DA2, the conversation edits/cut ins were exquisite. I didn’t have to use my imagination at all which is not the case in all of final fantasy or DA:I.

Instead of those interactions, we did get a lot of rich interactions in our bases. The addition of the advisors and the ability to romance two of them was a quality addition. Imagine havine Cullen with you yet again and not being able to kiss that beautiful man. As my tragic romance with Anders shows, I’m a sucker for the tragic recovering trauma victim trope. His strength combined with vulnerability will forever be in my heart.

The addition of Mother Giselle added some great character to our base conversations as well. Scout Harding and her adorable flirtation option is wonderful. All of our table helpers for research and requisition and even the bartender are real people.

And the Donal Sutherland Crew. I fucking love them. They are literally us from 15 years ago without the main character status. They are my adorable childen and I love every second of their interactions. I’ve replayed DAI twice in the last month for romance stories and I could never leave their story uncompleted. I’ve also read their short story Callback in Tevinter Nights and I love everything it says about the group, Donal’s ability to bring disparate people together and create a network of colleagues and friends to meet whatever challenge the world brings.

I don’t know where I’m going with these posts necessarily. I started them to write about my broken heart, and we’ll definitely get there. But I wanted to work up to it a little bit. Playing DA2 and following up instantly with Dragon Age Inquisition has left me with an overwhelming amount of feelings that are all over the place. I have a whole list of conversations I want to have with my friends that weren’t options. I’ve got opinions about everyone too, not just the cause of my broken heart.

The fact that I waited a month to start writing about things means that I’m not just vomiting my overwhelming heartache out onto the internet. Instead, I have the space inside to think about all the other things these stories have given me over the last 3 months and in some ways, 15 years.

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Why Am I Even Here? My Initial Dragon Age: Inquisition Reaction

I didn’t even like DAI at first. Especially coming in hot from DA2 and a lifetime of built in keyboard habits from Bioware games. Suddenly trying to click-to-move has me stopping and shooting. I can’t walk around using my mouse buttons while I drink some coffee or have a snack. Every time I try to pause the game I jump and the pause is now way off where my small handed pinky can’t really reach.

I’ve always played dual wield rogues. I love them. I instantly hated them here. No DA2 gap closer, no click to move if I’m not quite close enough, she kept ending up back in front of mobs no matter how I positioned her. No health bars or nameplates on mobs, they were impossible to see for someone overwhelmed by the input of a new game.

Also wtf is that tactical cam? As a diehard DA:O combat enjoyer, I was in shambles.

I can’t name my save games, I have to maintain a text file with save timestamps of things I want to keep.

I had to be standing on top of something to loot it with no click to move for better repositioning. The hold key is more of a suggestion to your party than a command that they actually fucking stay where I put them. Releasing a party from hold (if they actually stood still for more than 5 seconds) is now a separate keybind.

I finally made it to the tutorial boss and was so mad about how bad melee rogues play that I restarted the next day with a mage. Things got a little better.

I remapped jump to a mouse side button. I remapped disengage to another mouse side button. I put pause on the key it’s used for the last fucking 20 years of bioware games. I gave up mostly trying to get my party to stop moving. (I’m never doing the temple puzzles again where it requires everyone to stand in really specific spots all over the room). I installed mods that:

widened search radius

constantly search pinged

extended gathering reach

quicker looting

more banter

deshine (why tf is everyone soaking wet?)

more hair mods because again bioware hair is all square blocks

HD textures

A Reshade preset

complexion textures

beard edits for the male NPCs because wtf is that facial hair?

And then I restarted again to get something better out of the character creator.

I ended up with a bunch more mods but those are the big ones. I finally ended up needing mods to stop Maryden from singing so loud when I’m talking to people, to shut up Xenon because he’s so loud and stop the requisition officer from talking so she stopped interrupting banter that triggers on zone in.

Weirdly I don’t hate table missions. Although I wish some of them could have been side quests. I managed to kill my Dalish clan at least once and also killed off the Wardens in a set of missions. At first I thought table missions were purely flavor so I didn’t realize I could accidentally murder people and get really bad outcomes. I honestly don’t mind the war table although I did eventually cut mission length to 50%.

I got a conversation zoom-in mod as well. The default conversation zoom is so impersonal it just felt bad. The game should allow more zoom in during none cutscenes.

In case you can’t tell, I’m a game restarter. I often need two or three starts into a game before I can finish. I’ll restart and play the intro a few times to get a feel for what’s actually going on once I’m no longer overwhelmed. I’ll also restart halfway through if I realize I’ve made some really irredeemable mistakes (those conversation wheels don’t always mean what you think), or if I realize I’m really into what’s going on and want to replay what I’ve already done for a deeper understanding before moving forward with my story.

Restart scenario: I had been playing DA2 from my original pre-order disc from over 10 years ago. When it went on sale over Christmas, I bought it so I could play the DLC. Which I did then realized as I was part way through act 3 that I didn’t want to go there again. Anders my beloved.

Since there’s no way to save a character outside a new game, I had a lot of early false starts with DA:I. But that’s probably a story for a next post.

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So Many whatifs

I don’t even know where to start now. Do I talk about my walk down memory lane with Origins? Where I still couldn’t romance anyone but my beloved Alistair? Or how I did a half assed playthrough of Awakening, got to Kirkwall and discovered 1) Anders my beloved and 2) Nathaniel had somehow died in Awakening and I didn’t get his cute DA2 quest?

Or how, when I discovered these things, I went back to the very beginning of Origins and began a meticulous playthrough to achieve the exact story I wanted to take into the future with me? I slowed down and payed proper attention in Awakening this time around.

What about the time that I realized in DAI that you get a cheap stand-in warden if Alistair or Loghain aren’t wardens and went back to Dragon Age Keep to create an alternate history timeline where Alistair and the Hero of Ferelden stayed together in the Wardens and that bitch Anora could do whatever she wanted?

Honestly the more I know about government and politics these days, it seems like a more genuine choice.

I wish I’d read The Calling before I finished Awakening. Learning more about the Architect caused me to regret allowing him to live and research on.

I don’t regret skipping out on DA2 all those years ago. But I really enjoyed my playthrough this winter. I did install a shit ton of mods including the lovely Kirkwall Expanded and a bunch of textures and character creation mods (because again, holy square hair bioware). And some armor mods because the default armors were just kind of ugly.

I really enjoyed the companion quests. Some were quite dark. I had to almost physically restrain myself from checking the Internet when Isabella ran off on me. And the fight I had with my lover Anders over how he didn’t trust me enough to me tell the truth about what he really wanted for his companion quest actually caused some intense heart ache.

I also think it’s too bad that he didn’t trust a female Hero enough to tell her the truth about him and Karl.

Do I think the companions could have been fleshed out more? Definitely. I could have used more dialogue, more leadup to the intensity of the 3rd act with Anders especially. It still caused me actual grief when we fought and he pulled away from my Hero and all he would say afterward was “I think we should focus on the task at hand.”

I didn’t execute him and instead we ran off together after the Kirkwall disaster. In hindsight, I believe Anders would have been better off without the Hero’s love and the Hero herself definitely would have been better off. I’ve read that he maintains a lot more stability when not pulled in too many directions by a relationship. I suspect Justice disapproves.

I’ve run into a few posts on the internet around people not liking his character transition from Awakening to DA2 but I think it was well done. Even in Awakening, if you were listening to what he said, he ran away several times and was placed in solitary confinement many times. All the circle ever brought him was terror and grief. It’s no wonder the influence of Justice pushed them both over the edge. He cracked jokes about it in Awakening but the influence of Justice seems to have just peeled away that outer layer of coping and made him that much more dedicated, intense and unstable.

Nothing shows that more than his DA2 introduction: “I have mades this place a sanctum of healing and salvation,” his voice resonating with both himself and Justice.

I love him. And it’s a dilemma. I set myself up when I reworked my DA Keep Tapestry to give me a romanced, still-coupled Alistair. I feel like if I leave Hawke in the Fade, that could tip Anders over into an even worse mental health crisis. But it feels cruel no matter what I choose. The only solace I have is that my choice to leave him alive and run away with him is probably not a popular one and will definitely never be a default/canon game state.

[snapsnzips]

When it hits you in the feels so hard…An Origin Story

I love origin stories. They make great movies, great books, great journeys. This is one of mine. It began 15 years ago, and ends in 2024 with my heart being ripped out of my chest by Dragon Age: Inquisition.

I’m full of so many feels, I can’t read the internet because Veilguard is already out there. I can’t talk about it with my friends because no one I know has lived this experience. I was in shambles for over a week and I need to get all the feels out somewhere. So I’ve returned to my roots. Writing. About how I feel.

Disclaimer: I have not played Veilguard yet. I am not planning to play it until I’ve achieved some emotional distance from the events in Inquisition and am able to accept the story the game offers me instead of demanding the story I want.

I’ve gamed on and off much of my life. Almost exclusively Bioware games. Not on purpose, that’s just what got my attention and spoke to me. I played OG Baldur’s Gate and loved it. I played Neverwinter Nights and that was the game that caused me to give up gaming for several years. Not because I hated it, but one night at 2am, I looked over and saw my breakfast cereal bowl sitting on the desk and wondered where my day went. I realized I was losing time. I was so horrified that I basically stopped gaming for several years.

Then Dragon Age: Origins was released. But I didn’t notice because I’d moved on by then; getting involved in many other things that didn’t include gaming. My only computers were my work laptop and a small personal laptop I was using for programming. But it wasn’t to last. I work in tech. You can’t work in my field and not be exposed to gaming news and colleagues playing games. That’s just not how it works. So I started hearing whispers, seeing articles on the internet. Even in 2010 you could get hit with the algorithm. I couldn’t stop hearing about this new game Dragon Age: Origins.

About a year after release, I finally couldn’t resist it. I installed it on my little laptop and tried it out. I immediately fell in love. Not long after I bought a gaming laptop and took it with me on all my work trips. I played the hell out of that game. I played all the origins, fell in love with all the characters although I was never able to bring myself to complete the steps that allowed me to recruit the secret companion or defile the sacred ashes.

From the start though, I had a deeply passionate love for the pixels that made up Alistair. I have loved Alistair to this very day. In the years since I played Origins, if you asked me to say one thing about it, it was “Alistair4ever.” I’d never loved a character in a game before that. I know he’s awkward, and kind of an idiot and willing to let someone else lead while he just wants to be in his feels. But when I was young and playing the game, I also wanted to just be in my feels so it resonated with me. I had never loved a video game character before and I never did again for many years.

In some ways I loved it too much. When DA2 was announced, I was deeply hostile to what I saw as dumbing down of the game play and character interactions to accomodate console play. I pre-ordered the game, I owed them that much. But after playing the demo I never played the game. I was angry, I didn’t want it. Shortly after I fell into MOBAs and then MMOs. I barely noticed when Inquisition was released. I played years of WoW and had the belief that story or characters matter to the modern game company stripped from me.

When BG3 came out, I realized there were places and minds in the world who still believed in character driven gameplay. This gave me hope although I’m still waiting to play BG3. I instead went back and played BG1.

Also in this time, I had played final fantasy xiv and fallen mad in love with the story, characters and lore but was left feeling like it’s very unique in this day and age.

When Veilguard was announced I was like “they’re still making Dragon Age games?”

When it got a release date, it spurred a renaissance of DA gameplay online. One of my favorite FF streamers started playing Origins. This spurred me to think about replaying Origins and maybe giving DA2 a playthrough now that I wasn’t young and emotionally invested in what Origins had done for me on many levels. And maybe I’d finally give Inquisition a try. I bought it years ago but never played it.

So last fall I reinstalled Origins which I had on both disc and steam…the begininng and continuation of my Origin(s) story.