solaceinquiet

[solaceinquiet]

hello!

this is my first post. I've been writing to myself sometimes but I really want my story to exist somewhere digitally. This will not be a very positive page, and honestly I recommend you don't read this for your mental sake if I somehow pop up somewhere. This will be venting. This is my first time using Tumblr too!

A bit about me: I'm 23 years old, male but have increasing gender dysphoria, love my cat more than anything and anyone, and mostly lay in bed or play games.

I've been struggling for a year now with alcoholism and the way out feels impossible. I've been completely alone for a little over 2 years now with no family, and very limited online friends. I go weeks without talking to a single person outside of my job. This loneliness is absolutely destroying me and the worst part is I don't know what I want. I've always lived to find love one day, but I have bpd; and this makes it excruciating to be in a relationship. It's such a horrible feeling knowing the one thing I want may not be realistic for me. I had to discard my "family" that I grew up around because I was physically and mentally abused, stolen from, verbally assaulted every single day, and a punching bag. I didn't have any gender dysphoria that I was aware of as a kid, but I was still called a "tr**ny" constantly by my older brother and mother solely because of my shape and hair. I have a strong feeling I wouldve transitioned if not for this.

Today I missed work, like usual, due to a bad hangover. I miss about one day a week because of this and my finances are so fucked. I'm trying to convince myself to take a walk outside tonight and get back to losing weight. I moved across the country at 230 pounds, lost weight to 160 (with the help of adderall), had to quit adderall due to the vasoconstriction, and now I'm back at 230 AND an alcoholic. It's hard to put into words how badly the regression hurts, and I haven't been able to take a single step to losing weight or quitting alcohol. Truly, I dont know what to do with myself. I have no goals, no ambitions, no aspirations; the only thing that is keeping me alive is taking care of my precious cat. I work a shitty job and as I can't get myself to even go outside I can't get something else. I hate being perceived so much. So so much. My biggest fear that is keeping me from taking walks is being perceived. I hate how I look so much and I wish when I did look okay I didn't take it for granted. I feel like an abomination with my weight and psoriasis. My stupid toilet was installed in front of the mirror so I always see myself and I hate it so much. Who put that there???

Anyways, I think this is all for now. I want to try and write regularly because I've read it helps to journal and once I'm gone I want there to be something of me left.