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[sosadstillrad]

6.10.23

You’ve been haunting my dreams for the past week. It’s been 5 years. And you’re still haunting me.

I always told myself if I regretted it by the time I was 30 I would do everything to make it right. How is it 5 years but I hear your laughter like I just told the punchline.

How am I waking up with the weight of an elephant on my chest still? Because I’ll never see you again. But in my dreams. You hate me too. Will I ever escape your hate? Your anger? Or is it a reflection of myself?

Why does it always come back to you? Every breath, every thought. Always ends with you.

[sosadstillrad]

Dear mom,

Can I call you that? You don’t act like one half the time, but I guess that’s my fault for being a teenager and wanting to have my own privacy. I didn’t realize a decision I made as a child would effect us for the rest of our lives. Do you get a thrill out of it? Or are you so unaware of your inconsistency, your borderline psychotic outlashes. All I’ve ever wanted was your approval; to make you proud. And it’s like everytime I decide to not do something you want, you say you mean nothing to me; that I don’t care.

If I’m being honest, I wish I was didn’t care. I wish you didn’t drain me, I wish we had a healthy relationship, I wish I had a mom. I wish I could go to my bestfriends without resenting how close she is with her mom. I wish I didn’t loathe that my boyfriend gets a goodnight text every night from his mom; while I’m lucky to get a response within a week.

I wouldn’t let you be my mom before. I didn’t trust you. You’d hit me. You’d belittle me. You’d send me away. But I decide to go away? You just want control of me. That’s all I am. I’m making it. Alone. I know you don’t feel guilt. I should cut you off. But then I really lose my mom. I lose what I have. What did I do to deserve it? What did I do to you? I deserve better. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be important too. I try to rationalize your hurt/trauma, but all it’s done is give me, my own.

- an orphan of the living

5.25.22

[sosadstillrad]

“And I knew it. That’s the worst part: I knew it.”

— Marguerite Duras, The North China Lover

[sosadstillrad]

“You’re important to me. I think if there’s anything that will last forever, it’s that. Whether we separate, stay in touch or rarely speak again, you will always be that little someone I really do care for, that I would sacrifice everything for to protect and keep safe.”

— Beau Taplin, The Promise

[sosadstillrad]

““How many times can the same thing break your heart?” - Unknown”

—

[sosadstillrad]

“No, I’m not ok. But I haven’t been ok since I was 11, maybe 12. I am still here though. I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.”

— Clementine von Radics

[sosadstillrad]

by hulutotoz

[sosadstillrad]

No one is you.

I’m beginning to worry no one ever will be. Maybe it’s because we were just stupid kids who didn’t know what the world was going to be for us. I have so many maybes, so many what if’s.

[sosadstillrad]

I will be okay. I know that. I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss knowing what you’re doing. I miss thinking of you and at the same moment you message me. I miss our connection. I didn’t mean to scare you. Shit I didn’t know that’s what I wanted til I said it. I’m sorry. I’m just hurt.

But I’ll be okay. I always am.

[sosadstillrad]

“There’s beautiful Then there’s you.”

—

[sosadstillrad]

you deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable.

[sosadstillrad]

Am I becoming that u-haul lesbian I always used to make fun of??

[sosadstillrad]

HOW DO I ASK HER TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.

Like wtf how?!

[sosadstillrad]

No one really knows what I’m up to & I love it

[sosadstillrad]

“I feel like I’ve swallowed a cloudy sky.”

—

[sosadstillrad]

I wish my head would shut up

[sosadstillrad]

I’m so stupid. No thinking. Never thinking.

Stupid stupid stupid.

Why speak? Only mistakes come out.

Stupid stupid stupid.