spilt2manysecrets

[spilt2manysecrets]

every second i spend around these people, the more i hate myself.

get me the fuck out of here

[spilt2manysecrets]

you know, i was so proud of the fact that i finally made a private dump acc where i could just speak my mind and know that only the people i trust would see it.

but there are still some things that i can never say in front of them.

especially since it technically concerns the one im closest to, my best friend.

but hey dont worry, it's not her fault. she did nothing wrong and i am by no means mad or frustrated with her.

it's just that

i can't help it when my insecurities decide it's a good time to say hello.

the past 3 days have been... eventful to say the least.

my bestie found a guy, a pretty good guy, and is now in a relationship!

i genuinely could not be more happy for her and proud of her.

i just know that she deserves all the love that little man can and is willing to give her.

but when that twinge of pain flashes in my chest and i feel like crying, i also know that my mind has begun spiralling out of control again.

when i look at the situation... how my best friend wasnt exactly looking for love and wasnt expecting to start dating anyone at this point in her life and how she attracts people so effortlessly...

im reminded of The Princess and the Frog.

of what it was like between Charlotte and Tiana.

the one who longs for love never receives it in return.

we just give and give and give

and we ask and ask and ask

but it's never returned, at least not in the way we want.

not in the way that we so desperately dream of.

and this knowledge

wow

it does things to my head.

i feel like i had a scab ripped off or stitches torn open.

i was healing.

i have been healing.

however i apparently wasnt healed enough to handle this type of thing, especially when it's happening so close to me.

so while i would never want to ruin what my best friend has, or come in between them, or do anything that would possibly hurt her

i can't help the punch of pain that hits me.

not at who she's with.

not at her happiness.

not at her at all.

but just at the fact that another year has passed, and all ive been receiving are reminders of how... unattractive? unlovable? unappealing? i am

even right now, as i sit on the stone steps of the track oval getting ready for visage, all i can think about is how... everyone got a feature in the promotional videos, except me 😝

and yeah it sucks, yeah it hurts, but what can i do?

i decided to join the club where all of the most attractive people in the school choose to go and show off their beauty. that choice was my fault. all because for a few short months, i deluded myself into thinking that i was pretty. all because i gained a sense of confidence for a while.

now, that confidence i came in with has been shattered beyond what i can repair with a few inspirational videos or songs.

i have to rebuild everything from scratch.

i have to re-learn how to be comfortable in my own disgusting skin.

how to feel at peace even around people who have everything ive been dreaming of since i was, what, 6? 7?

how to stop that pain from blooming in my chest every time im reminded that other people can actually see the things im insecure about.

fuck.

man here i go again- asking the same shit again and again then passing it off as a joke to try and mask just how much it hurts.

saan ba ako nagkulang?

ive tried EVERYTHING.

being myself

moulding myself to fit the ideal

being kikay

being natural

being loud

being quiet

participative in both acads and ecs

nothing works and nothing helps

haha

hahahahahahahahahah

even now, as i try to bring back my hope by saying "you still have college, don't worry", my brain never fails to remind me

you've been saying that for YEARS

"it's ok! you still have grade 4, take your time"

"you still have grade 5, you're gonna be in a new school, a fresh start! don't worry"

"you still have grade 6, new classmates, don't worry"

"maybe gradeschool was too early. im sure you'll find someone who'll like you in highschool"

"oh no! pandemic... maybe you'll find someone outside of zobel?"

"yes! back to face-to-face and another fresh start! someone is sure to like you now sometime soon."

"ah- so that's what peer pressure can do. anyway, im sure you'll find someone who genuinely likes you now in senior highschool."

"don't worry about it. grade 12 is probably the best year to find someone you know? right before college."

...screw that.

my 10 years of wishing, hoping, praying, longing....

the only thing i have to show for it is a one month summer fling that i know there was no love in. we both knew it to ourselves that we loved each other just as friends.

fuck fcuk fuckrixjebsjwh

how many more times am i gonna write a post like this...?

2 more times? 4 more? 10 more?

until im a resident? until im working?

until im fucking dead?

hah...

im 18 years old

how much longer am i going to have to wait before i find out what it feels like for someone to love me?

how many repeats of the vicious cycle of unrequited love do i have to fucking grin and bear?

im tired, hurt, sad, scared, insecure, and just... i dont know

i just want to be loved.

[spilt2manysecrets]

here i go again.

i wonder what makes me weird

you know, i get that this question in and of itself is a little weird

but damn

i'd be lying if i said i wasnt pretty damn hurt by the fact that ive been considered weird for the past 11 years.

ive changed so much as a person.

ive been spunky, timid, confident, shy, assertive, submissive, loud, quiet, athletic, sedentary, and probably everything in between.

i even had my own mean streak at some point (albeit very short, like a week)

but, through all of my phases and through all of the schools i have been in, the one constant is that im considered weird.

and i just really wanna know why

is it how loud i am? is it my habits and mannerisms?

is it my looks? the way i talk? the way i move? how i sit? how i stand?

what on earth is it?

at some point, i learned to just ignore it. i dont react, i dont cry, i dont do anything. i mostly just laugh it off and treat it like a joke

but whoa i cant say that it doesnt hurt.

and you could argue with me and say that being weird is not necessarily a bad thing or that someone will always find you weird no matter where you go or who you are

however that wont help. ive been telling myself the same thing for years.

my mind still comes up with the same response:

"well then why is it only you?"

i cant even fight back against that statement.

most of the people im close with or look up to are never called weird.

its just me.

i can see it in the way they're treated too.

so easily accepted into groups, able to make friends wherever they go, and they're treated like normal people.

a lot of the time, they dont even have to put in any effort.

they get approached, other people talk to them first, and people want to be friends with them.

on the other hand

i always find myself having to move first.

i rarely ever get approached by strangers unless we're paired for something, or they need something from me, or they have a question to ask.

beyond that, the only ones that usually approach me first are my classmates (bless them) and my friend group (also bless them)

.......................................................

oh well! this is just probably my insecurities being stirred up by being forced to sit in a hall full of some of the most popular people in this school.

and the fact that i was called the weird ate yesterday haha

and the fact that i fucked up my talumpati

and the fact that im on my period

and the fact that my face is having the worst breakout ive had in weeks

and the fact that i got yelled at

and the fact that im tired but cannot rest

and the fact that i feel so damn lonely and drained

and the fact that i just acknowledged that i still want to feel accepted even though i know that it's unhealthy

and the fact that i have this nagging idea in my head that no one has ever reciprocated because of my weirdness.... which is probably true

oh no im crying

maybe i should have saved this for the house hahha

but anyway, back to the topic at hand.

yeah.

that's how i fucking feel.

its tiring to keep playing tug of war with my mind, but what can i do when this is the kind of shit i deal with every day.

man i wanna go home.

actually no

i dont want to go home.

i just want to get away from everything and everyone.

far far far far far away.

just for a day

or

even just for a few moments.

i just want my peace, where i can maybe wallow in my sorrow in peace hahahhaa.

night night.

[spilt2manysecrets]

guess who just learned what true burnout is.

yo ive never felt this level of exhaustion in my life

ive never seen myself slip this bad

i used to be relaxed, even when the workload got borderline unbearable for me.

but now?

im passing out randomly

i have no energy for anything

nothing makes me feel happy anymore except for when i see something funny.

i dont even feel excited for my trip to taiwan in two days

mind you, this will be my first ever international trip in 9 years.

i feel apathetic even towards kpop right now.

something ive never experienced in the 4 years ive been a fan.

right now, i really want nothing more to just get it over with.

cuz right now? i swear to god even my sleep doesnt feel like it's recharging me all because i have way too much shit on my mind

i dont even remember the last time i dreamed of something.

these past 3 weeks have drained me so bad and im beginning to regret joining visage and the taiwan trip and having to always come with my family even when i dont fucking want to.

even right now, as i write this to supposedly take some of the weight off by venting, my mind is consumed by the thoughts of what i could be doing with my time.

i feel guilty but too tired to move

i feel embarrassed but i can barely hold my head up.

im

so

exhausted.

[spilt2manysecrets]

im so tired.

im in pain.

i feel like absolute crap.

but of course, none of that matters.

because tomorrow, i have an abstract analysis due.

because i have my midterm exams in my two worst subjects tomorrow

because i still have training tomorrow.

because i cant catch a damn break.

im tired.

so so so tired.

i want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and sleep or go to the hospital for treatment.

but what can i do?

i have neither the money nor the time for either of those options.

i hate it.

im so so exhausted that im literally breaking down as i stare at the vascular structure of damn plants that i dont give two shits about.

im crying as i read about the flow directions of the xylem and phloem lmao.

oh well.

i'll get through it like i always have.

it'll be fine.

this is fine.

i'm fine.

just 2 more months.

just two more.

and this will all be done.

fuck, i cant even be sad about this chapter ending right now.

when i think about it.

right now, all i feel is relief.

[spilt2manysecrets]

god it got bad again so fucking quickly.

remember how i made a post about me recovering from my long standing insecurity about no one ever liking me?

well, ive found that no matter how hard i fucking try, someone or something will trigger it again

and somehow

these triggers always seem to come from the people closest to me.

for example, today.

i was doing just fine. i was wearing a dress i felt pretty and confident in. my hair was cooperating. i wasnt bloated. i got 8 hours of sleep. i felt pretty for once.

only for my mom to say that my hair looks hideous and boring because i never change my hairstyle. and "have you never thought that maybe that's the reason why no boy ever likes you"

ouch.

what a fantastic way to absolutely shatter my already weak self-confidence.

i felt pretty for once

but now i know that even if i feel pretty, other people dont see me as pretty haha.

thanks for that. i totally needed that. it'll really help me dig an even deeper hole into self-loathing and despair.

the talks about relationships with my ninang over coffee didnt help either.

and now, im sitting here, trying to cry as quietly as humanly possible while listening to seventeen.

i cant fucking stop crying.

i cant even pinpoint WHY the hell im crying.

everything just hurts. every sweet lyric, every comforting line feels like a warm compress and a punch to the gut all at the same time.

my binder is covered in my own tears.

my shirt is wet.

and i cant take a deep breath out of fear that if i open my mouth a sob will escape.

it hasnt been this bad in a while

and i still cant fucking believe how quickly months of progress and healing can fall apart

with just a single sentence.

i just hope tomorrow goes smoothly

because dammit i genuinely feel like i'll be on the verge of a breakdown the entire day.

im stressed, anxious, sad, frustrated, angry, and tired.

not a good combination for socializing and being a productive member of society.

[spilt2manysecrets]

you know, there's one thing i wish to accomplish before i go to college

it may sound silly or maybe even stupid, but I want to be able to watch a full romance drama without crying or feeling hurt because of the fluff.

while that, arguably, should be a given, for me it has always been a struggle

I have never been able to imagine someone falling in love with me.

I'm sure i have ranted about this particular issue before, but I will rant about it again because it's honestly such a prominent thorn in my side.

i've dreamed of it, day and night

every day, i think about finding that someone more than i think about my homework or my graduation or the fact that im going to college in a few months.

i imagine someone looking at me and thinking "wow, she's the one i want."

and then my mind sets fire to that image in my head and lets the voices scream out about how that dream will always remain a dream.

how i am completely unlovable and will probably remain that way until i can figure out how to be prettier, nicer, more ladylike, smarter, have a prettier smile, have less body hair, have nicer skin... everything. until i am no longer me.

for years i've struggled to view myself as anything but inadequate in every way, shape, and form. I've always felt that i was behind everyone else, especially when it came to looks.

I was always ugly in my eyes.

but lately, a string of compliments and random events have led me to gain some confidence in how i look and act.

certain incidents and moments allowed me to see that... looks shouldnt be the basis of love anyway, so why the hell am i so hung up on it?

i know to myself that im at least a decent person, and i constantly try to be better in the areas where i feel that i am lacking.

and that should be enough

i am enough

and this is where my meager dream stems from.

if i can sit through a romance/romcom drama or series without feeling that sharp pain in my chest and/or crying, i will know that i've at least taken a step in the right direction. i'll know that i've begun to heal the invisible wounds that have pained me for so long.

and i can finally say "hey, i dont care if i go to prom alone. it's better than going with the wrong person"

i can accept that, while it may hurt in the moment, i can at least say that i was able to find even a little peace within me. i can proudly exclaim that i am me and that i wouldn't change that fact for the world.

so yeah. watch out guys.

im gonna come back

and im gonna be better.

[spilt2manysecrets]

yo hi it's me again

you know

i just found out

that guy... broke up with his girlfriend

AHAHSFTRFFF

and me being the asshole i am

felt oddly happy like wtf

i thought i was 100% over this guy

but nah

apparently

I'm only like 95% over him

the remaining 5% just jumped for joy lmao

I'm not gonna elaborate further on why i haven't completely gotten rid of my feelings for him cuz i genuinely do not know myself

i guess

that's what happens when you genuinely fall for someone

even after a year and a half

i still feel for him dammit

[spilt2manysecrets]

happy 2025

i just gave my crush courting advice so he can get closer to his crush 😁

what a way to start the new year

[spilt2manysecrets]

good evening.

it's currently the 21st of december, 12:31am

as usual, i am once again feeling completely indifferent about my birthday.

it's like- i honestly just want to get it over with?

while yes, i do acknowledge that this year's celebration was made special by the efforts of my mom and my classmates in planning a surprise birthday party for me and bea on the 18th, right now, im genuinely feeling a strong sense of dread for the holidays, which includes my actual birthday less than 24 hours from now.

im once again being asked to plan every part of the day, which does not help my dread because istg im so fucking tired of thinking and ive been thinking more these past 2 days than i have in 2 weeks in all honesty.

i keep having to plan each and every itinerary, every second of the day i keep being fucking asked "what do we do now", "where do we go tomorrow", "go make the reservation", "go and call the restaurant"

and while i know it's unfair, cruel, rude, selfish, and downright ungrateful of me

im so close to saying i give up. like if your only input is going to be to tell me to call them or to tell me to choose and shit, just leave me be. i'll do this on my own.

i dont want to do anything on my birthday.

i really just want to fucking rest im so goddamn tired.

im mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.

the christmas party and the following hang out may have charged my battery, but it only took two days of having to plan everything again for my battery to be completely drained.

ughhhhhh i swear i just want to sit at my laptop and watch some anime or some kpop content or something.

and if im gonna be honest here, i knew about the "surprise" since around 2 days before?

because my mom was asking me "which ribbon do you prefer", "what candy would be a good substitute for a rose", "would you be willing to dance with a lollipop", "what do you want for this", "what color would you like for that"

so in a sense

i still fucking planned my own surprise birthday party.

yeah- but i guess you cant have everything. and plus, it was a gift to me, i have no right to be picky.

this is just me letting out my bitchy side cuz i know how straight up asshole-y this whole rant sounds.

but yeah. it's my 18th birthday

supposedly the most important day in my life as a young woman.

supposedly a day to celebrate my transition into adulthood.

but it looks like it's just gonna be another day. just another birthday.

every grandiose promise, every extravagant dream shoved into my head ever since i was a little girl, left unfulfilled. popped before my eyes like a balloon that floated too high.

i may have said i was ok with it, that i didn't care and was completely fine with just doing whatever.

much like a quote i found on pinterest recently

"just because i said i was fine doesn't mean that it didn't hurt"

and wow does it still hurt honestly.

i wish i could spend the day doing something i would enjoy, but instead, im going on a roadtrip i was pressured into choosing cuz my mom still wants to make it special

which i appreciate

but she doesnt realize that she's making it "special" in the way she wants

not the way i want

the way i want it wouldve been honestly just a nice dinner at a hotel

but no- we're going to baguio

to do nothing but stare at the gorgeous trees. woohoo. nature.

happy fucking birthday to me

[spilt2manysecrets]

GUYS IM SO FUCKING FUNNY-

IVE BEEN SWITCHING BETWEEN READING THE SMUTTIEST FICS KNOWN TO MAN AND DOING MY THEOLOGY BOOK WORK FOR THE PAST 2 HOURS

ALL WHILE FANCAMS OF HOSHI, RANGING FROM INSANELY HOT TO INSANELY CUTE, PLAY ON MY LAPTOP.

ITS SO FUNNY HAHAHWHAHWBW

[spilt2manysecrets]

whoaaoaoaoaaa i want to be left alone so fucking badly

but i cant

as usual

i mean- it's always been that way.

not like this is anything new

but right now im so fucking tired that i can barely muster the energy to bullshit my way through my interactions with other people.

i wanna rest

im tired.

i was so stressed yesterday, now im stressed again today and i know im gonna be fucking stressed again tomorrow.

it's exhausting to think about all of the shit that's to come when im still struggling to deal with the shit that has already come my way.

and i know i know

"while there are shit days to come, there will also be good days."

"be more positive"

"look on the bright side, there's always a silver lining"

SHUT UP.

just let me be sad for once ok???

stop trying to convince me to be happy.

it's not like you're telling me anything new anyway

i know not all days ahead will be bad.

i know there will be good days.

but right now, i want to let out all of the piled up negativity that's been brewing in my heart for too fucking long

please just let me.

it's not like i can just flip a switch and suddenly be happy.

it's not like your "comforting" words will suddenly clear my heart and head of all the burdens ive been carrying.

while i do appreciate your support, i would appreciate it more if you could just understand that i want to be allowed to feel.

i want to be able to FEEL what im feeling and for that to be ok.

i dont want to have to keep everything pent up just because being angry, sad, tired, frustrated, and annoyed is not ladylike.

that just makes me more fucking annoyed.

uwhdhqehhaqjd

anyway, to sum up all of that shit.

i want to be alone.

for once.

without ANYONE bothering me.

no one pestering me about school, food, life, college, the future, the house, the car, the legal documents, my 18th birthday, my plans, or going abroad.

i just want PEACE.

i just want MY PEACE FOR ONCE

i feel like im going to break down soon if i cant let this out.

and when i break, i usually end up doing shit that i will regret.

so i dont want to break again.

im tired of breaking and never being given a break.

just leave me be.

[spilt2manysecrets]

me reading the smuttiest shit you've ever seen whil my Theology teacher lectures about chastity and purity if thought 😚😚😚

[spilt2manysecrets]

seeing people being insecure about something im insecure about while the part of their body that they are insecure about is so much prettier than mine makes me so much more insecure than ever before

3 of the classmates that i consider to have the most beautiful teeth said they were insecure about them when they were asked to smile with their teeth

im not invalidating their insecurities, i do understand and acknowledge that they feel that way

but

i look at my own smile

my disgustingly crooked front teeth, their yellowed color, and all the teasing, pain, and sufferring they have brought me over the years....

and i cant help but think

damn

if they feel that their teeth are bad enough to be considered insecurities, what more mine haha

it makes me wonder what others think of my teeth when i smile.

it makes me not want to smile at all.

and i noticed

im always the only one in photos that smiles with her teeth haha

i dont know if that's something to be proud of or ashamed of.

i do get the feeling that i will probably be 10x more conscious of my teeth now.

maybe i may go back to half-smiles.

back to covering my mouth when i laugh.

[spilt2manysecrets]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DBwRqXxO91s/?igsh=ODEyNmU3NDM4YzZ2

never seen a more relatable reel.

i dont know what else to say except im tired, but i acknowledge that i have no right to be tired.

im struggling, but my friends are struggling more, meaning i have no right to show my insignificant struggles to them because they have it worse. they deserve to be cared for, not have to care about their one friend who should have it all together.

i am the therapist friend

the therapist friend shouldnt need therapy.

i'll treat myself.

that's the life of the therapist

the life i chose

but man this life is heavy. the burden is so so fucking heavy.

if i dont show up for my friends, i'l feel guilty.

if i dont help them through their problems, what kind of friend would i be?

but... at this point it's the blind leading the blind.

it's the broken fixing the broken.

the tired trying to give energy to the tired.

i have nothing left to give.

but i'll keep giving, because i love them too damn much.

[spilt2manysecrets]

coping by binge watching seventeen's comedy content is the current mood 🤘

[spilt2manysecrets]

thought about cutting bleeding paper again last night

fought the urge for 4 hours and passed out with tears still in my eyes lol

not funny, but i cant help but laugh at my own weakness

havent felt that urge with that level of intensity in 3 years, and i dont even know what the hell triggered it.

it was a good day, nothing went horribly wrong, i wasnt overthinking anything, and life was ok that day.

but when i got home

i felt like my heart was being crushed by the weight of the air i was taking into my lungs

every breath felt like i was inhaling dumbells

and then i started crying.

i coped and fought through music

and you wanna know something funny?

i can never hear myself saying these things to anyone, even my closest friends.

maybe i just dont wanna burden them with my own, highly trivial, baseless concerns. or maybe i just dont want to seem like im looking for attention or pity.

who knows.