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spinningjupiters · 8 months
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Small //
I have always had to
Dream small
And achieve practical things
But on some days
I aimed for the sky
I crept my way up
And collected stars
But to those who couldn't fathom
My ability to hold
Something unworldy
They named those burning constellations
As fire flies trapped in a jar
They wouldn't let the others know
I was capable of something special
So I tried my best
To camouflage in the ordinary
Hide in the white of painted walls
And speak in indiscernable sound
No one knew I existed
Till my carcass was found
Laden in gold and something exquisitely antique
They didn't know what it was
So it was left for the scavengers to seek
I wouldn't say they didn't let me dream
All they did was remind me
There was nothing special in me
So I walked carefully
Stepped into places that fit me
I was made to believe in small things
My premonitions had become weak
Only to make myself palatable
I've spent a lifetime
Trying to find a place
That would nurture
My being
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spinningjupiters · 8 months
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// Much better //
Much better
You said
My scars
Are much better now
They don't show
The rip anymore
Much is replaced
By tissue intertwined
Like a best kept secret
What a view
You say
Can't even tell
If the struggle
Ever existed
Immaculately you think
All is held
By these glass fingers
What you don't know
Are the silent cries
Hours of self negation
A monologue
That never ends
It isn't easy
Convincing yourself
To survive
When you never belonged here
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spinningjupiters · 9 months
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Not mine //
Somewhere out there
A dancer may learn
How to let go
Of her body
To be able to move
A writer
Might make their
First rhyme
To save their soul
A scientist
Might have had
A moment
Of hallelujah
A earnest prayer
May have been answered
Somewhere
A crack in the pavement
Made room for life
And it continues to breathe
Somewhere out there
There is life
Even if it's not mine
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spinningjupiters · 9 months
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Funerals in my head //
To the one who knew
What it meant
To have funerals in your head
It seems as though
You walked away or deep into
The cemetery of lost souls
The dead have left
And so has the person you were
Those funerals are now
Replaced by growing vines
Of trees and lush life
A sweet aroma of spring
Tingles my skin
As goosebumps rise and I am
Awestruck
Is this what becomes of us
When we're finally dead?
A soft hymn follows you
Like a shadow
While I watch and wait
Sitting beside my demons
I am comforted
Knowing
The dead, empty house
Will also one day be replaced
As I wipe the dust off
Once again
Proving this life still has a place
On the mantle shelf of the past
Till a wisp creeps in
Through the window
Of the summer rain
And the smell of dirt
Reminds me yet again
Of death
I must one day also be one
With my wreck
And watch the flowers
Bloom in oblivion
For they will no nothing
About the funerals
In my head
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spinningjupiters · 11 months
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Mothers //
My paternal grandmother
Tended to her
Kitchen garden
Every day
It was as though
She had created
Something to nurture
When her children grew up
And needed her less
My maternal grandmother
Created a home
With so much meticulous love
It seemed it would never break
Or perish
Both were so honest and present
In how they cherished
And protected
Joy and youth
As though
They both knew
How fragile it is
This fleeting need
To be needed and loved
But how lingering
The fingerprints are
Of being held with intention
And they gave
The same sense of purpose
Wrapped in a silk cloth
Of the most coveted heirloom
A story of truth
And unconditional love
Laden with the scent of sacrifice
Of silent martyrs
And quietened questions
A long pause
Between answers
Was their sleepless worry
To tend to the garden
Sever the weed outside
Those wild flowers
Needed to be loved
So they may find a home
Where no door closes
And a summer afternoon
Keeps flickering
All day
Through the glass window
Till the shadow of night
Walked in silent footsteps
A whisper of goodnight
Settled underneath the eyes
In the cracks of their smile
Within a solemn sigh
No one can decipher
The depths
Of unfathomable sense of giving
That comes with being a mother
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spinningjupiters · 11 months
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Dreams //
I said
I had dreams
So faintly
As though
They might not crack
The glass in-between
I said
I had a heart
So quietly
As to not hear
My heart beat
I said
Both are now dead
So softly
That the earth
Might not notice
What is buried
Underneath
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Otherwise //
Sun flowers on graves
Dandelions in the wind
Abloom weighed down branches
Spring laden sweet scent
Of life breathing within
White flowers by the river side
And clear skies nestling a horizon of possibilities
Crimson sunsets
And a rising jaundiced moon
My beloved tells me this isn't love
I think otherwise
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Women //
The moment I started to walk on earth
I knew much intently
The 'intent' with which I must place my foot
One after the other
Softly yet surely
Never loudly
I knew early on
I was not meant to stomp
Or over step
May I stumble upon an alter ego
The moment I began to speak
My voice was tweaked
Shout but not scream
Voice your opinion
But not have a point of view
Walk with the change
But never try to bring something new
Because the status quo is the way
Don't question it
Because the answer is clear
Say please and thank you
But never a no
Nod your head nicely
If you want the respect that is due
Grow from within your womb
A life that will look over you
With condescending eyes
And a proud tone
We never asked you to let us through
The world has always been this way
It's nothing new
Bleed because you were meant to
Scream in silence because you're only palatable with the right skin tone
Always smiling
Never a frown
Dipped in sweetness
Is the flavour of divine
Oblivion of succumbing
To patriarchal conditioning
Speak don't scream
Suffer don't confront
Keep the harmony
For that is what is meant
To be born a woman
Be everything
And then nothing
And then do it all
At once
Over and over again
Till we write
A story
About valour and strength
And what a privilege it is
To home a life
That never pays
The price
Of what's due
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Wistful //
No one will ever know
What it feels like
To be devoured
By waves of longing
Of the scent of your home
The comfort of your mother's lap
Wanting to dissolve in the evening tea
Echo in familiar voices
To be able to see them
Hold them and be present
Only those who have left their home know
Four walls can make a house
But it can never be the same
As a lifetime spent
Knowing, nurturing, honing
The best parts of our being
In people who are the missing pieces
Of the puzzle
We connect in this canvas of life
Sometimes to survive only means
To find eternal peace
In a smile that faintly wrinkles
At the corner of their lips
So subtle with age
Yet graced with life's storms
Still standing higher than the waves
As turbulent emotions surge
No one knows how lonely
It can be to spend a familiar
Hour of the evening
Struck with the unfamiliar feeling
Of losing out on time
Yearning wistfully
Of what once was
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Gratitude//
I will not think
About something
That is not currently happening
I will think
About how the soil smelt
Of life and nostalgia
This evening
When I watered it
I will remember
How it felt
When evening set in
And reminded
My heart of returning
All at once
At the doorstep
Of my home
I will cherish
Familiar embraces
Through a little practice
I shall practice
The art of gratitude
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
Text
do you still perform autopsies on conversations you’ve had long ago?
Autopsy: Thirteen Ways of Looking at Thirteen by Donte Collins
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Come true //
I tell you I hate the indoors
And you cage me in a room
I say I crave the sky
But you only let me out at night
I tell you how much I hate rituals
And you tell me to follow each by heart
I don't like conventional
Yet you are anything but radical
Each thing you do
Is either dictated
Preplanned or decided for you
My free will eachtime I look at you
I try to walk paths I think will run parallel to yours
We never intersect and somehow that never bothered you
I tell you I don't believe in destinies
Yet we are destined to be doomed
I thought I could fight depression
But the biggest weight holding me from living is you
I say I would like to add flowers to the garden
You say you're out of time
So precious time that only counts for you
None for my pursuits
I can only breath borrowed air
I can only wear forgotten bruises
You say you love me
I don't think it is true
Love doesn't mean to be conformed
To your likings
It doesn't mean to out everyone else's happiness except ourselves
It doesn't mean nothing changes in your life
And I have to sacrifice
Everything till my time is due
In this lie of love I wait
Patiently for my reel to end
Make the final appearance
Let the curtains fall
Once and for all
And this pretend play
Ends at a high note
They will say
Oh they loved eachother so
It's true
But that's a thing about
Pathological liars
They make you believe
In happy endings
That never came true
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Come true//
I tell you I hate the indoors
And you cage me in a room
I say I crave the sky
But you only let me out at night
I tell you how much I hate rituals
And you tell me to follow each by heart
I don't like conventional
Yet you are anything but radical
Each thing you do
Is either dictated
Preplanned or decided for you
My free will dies, eachtime I look at you
I try to walk paths I think will run parallel to yours
We never intersect and somehow that never bothered you
I tell you I don't believe in destinies
Yet we are destined to be doomed
I thought I could fight depression
But the biggest weight holding me from living is you
I say I would like to add flowers to the garden
You say you're out of time
So precious time that only counts for you
None for my pursuits
I can only breath borrowed air
I can only wear forgotten bruises
You say you love me
I don't think it is true
Love doesn't mean to be conformed
To your likings
It doesn't mean to put everyone else's happiness except ourselves
It doesn't mean nothing changes in your life
And I have to sacrifice
Everything till my time is due
In this lie of love I wait
Patiently for my reel to end
Make the final appearance
Let the curtains fall
Once and for all
And this pretend play
Ends at a high note
They will say
Oh they loved eachother so
It's true
But that's a thing about
Pathological liars
They make you believe
In happy endings
That never came true
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Permanent//
Oh dear
Butterfly
Stay a bit
Don't go away
Fleeting
Like happinesses
And opportunities
Stay a but longer
I need to savour
The high
Before the fall
Into sweet oblivion
Oh passing moments
Make my mortal soul
Immortal
In memory
In poetry
In a sad sonnet
Let me outlive
My legacy
Be it in pressed flowers
Pinned to pages
Or severed wings
Held in boxes
Though reminiscent
Of something
But never quite the same
As living
Oh life
Infuse within me
The valour
To keep going
When every sign
Says to stop
Make be wary
Of guises
And learn
The true essence
Of living
Albeit fleeting
Yet forever
Permanent
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Doomed //
This feeling of emptiness. An impending doom. Like I'm a prey waiting to be devoured. The feeling of helplessness. That when you will reach out for help no one will believe you. And when that happens this feeling consumes you. Evening feel like an inebriation and all wounds open up. Like unholy confessions of your past mistakes and regret. You think to yourself if you deserve happiness. May be it is the lack of sleep or you've missed a meal or two. May be you've been trying to fulfill something that can't ever be taken care of. But nonetheless this vacuum of unattainable contentment. This vain pursuit. These futile efforts, all seem to burn you from the inside completely. And there's no cure. It is like being terminally ill. To know that now your peace is at stake and this mission of survival is sabotaged.
Can you live through this doomed twilight?
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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// new joys //
Some joys
Only taste different
Because
They hide
The bitterness
Well
There's nothing
New
About pretending
To stay
Alive.
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spinningjupiters · 1 year
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Matter//
It will not matter
The weight
Of all the worry
Our hearts
Keep secret
It will only
Turn to ashes
Like our past stories
It does not matter
Who loves us
And who doesn't
The only thing
That matters
Is us
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