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[suhmayzooka]

had a dream that I met a wizard and we fell in love and became unhealthily attached to each other so we decided to meld into one single creature together but the process was horrifically slow and painful and most of the dream was us lying in bed holding hands while lesions opened up in our skin and seeped out blue and green fluid and the wizard said "this is going to take a very very long time" and I said "that's ok"

[suhmayzooka]

last year i was eating in a fancy, large restaurant when i began to hear a rumble and the distant sound of people chanting ‘potassium, potassium’ and suddenly hundreds of people dressed as bananas flood this restaurant chanting potassium over and over and we were trapped there for a very long time because the bananas would not leave and they were everywhere

i wasn’t joking

[suhmayzooka]

the child to adult pipeline is real asfuck

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what's the first movie you remember seeing in theaters? don't try and be all edgy and cool and say like tetsuo: the iron man. be honest.

Go!!

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the cis are doing gender essentiallism about dogs in my workplace

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Anyway

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Max Svabinsky, Woman Preparing for Bed

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im hunting americans

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The Barbie Theory Part 1 of 2: Timeline

The way I see it, there are five eras in the Barbie movies: Ancient, Historical, Present, Near Future, and Postmodern. Strung together they make up the timeline of the Barbie universe, from its inception to its death.

Ancient

In the beginning there were fairies, but they were not meant to last. 

The first beings to rule the earth in this universe were not humans, but fairies. They lived alongside mermaids, enjoying magic of all sorts. There were many different kinds of fairies: rainbow, butterfly, crystal, to name a few. They were hardly at peace with each other, there are plenty of instances where people try to unjustly usurp power such as in Fairytopia, or provoke war with neighboring factions such as in Mariposa and the Fairy Princess. Certain kinds also had natural predators (Mariposa) and they were extremely dependant on the natural environment (Fairytopia: Mermaidia). Their societies were fragile. 

By the time we get to the historical era titles, fairies are mostly gone, or at least hidden. Where did the humans come from?

They’re wingless fairies like Elina. While Elina scored some wings by the end of her first film, not every fairy is going to get that lucky. Some of these people grew bitter at being rejected by fairy society and chose to form a place of their own. Somewhere where they could live their lives free of ridicule. 

They learned to build tools to compensate for their lack of magic. Their technology got better, yet their resent for their magical cousins remained. This conflict eventually escalated into a war. Perhaps this was already happening during the events of Mariposa, with Henna conspiring to decimate the Butterfly Fairy populations by removing their primary protection from the Skeezites. Laverna could have agreed to use the water poison to massacre the mermaids in Mermaidia. The wingless end up winning this war, and the fairies go into hiding, practically extinct. 

Historical

Old wars forgotten, magic makes its way back to the world

We fast forward to the middle ages and magic is still fairly abundant, albeit hidden. In this era we see two instances where humans are let back into the realm of magic: Swan Lake and Diamond Castle. Interestingly enough, both of these take place during the middle ages (based on clothing styles of the peasants (Barbie’s looks are pretty anachronistic) and the architecture) which is the earliest of all the “historical” movies. 

In Swan Lake Odette stumbles upon a hidden forest where she discovers she’s the only one who can defeat an ancient evil. She succeeds and marries into royalty. 

In Diamond Castle the Diamond Wives are sent on a quest to stop another ancient evil, and in return are given flowers that grow diamonds. By the end they become close with the kingdom’s heirs. 

You’ll notice that from here on out, magic is strongly associated with royalty. These two royal families that have knowledge of magic will come to shape the course of history until the end of time. 

I personally think that the 12 dancing princesses are related to Odette because of both their magics’ emphasis on hidden realms. Annaliese is also in this line, her mother’s name is Genevieve and the timing works. 

Present

Magic still thrives in the dark

It’s unsurprising that Barbie is the next person to be brought into the world of magic. In Thumbelina, Fashion Fairytale and A Fairy Secret Barbie gets a glimpse of the hidden world. Away from humans, and away from each other, fairies have evolved. 

One very noticeable thing is that two out of the three types of fairies we see in this era are wingless. Perhaps it wasn’t a random mutation but instead the natural progression of their evolution. By now we know there’s got to be some outside force pushing everything along, making sure the plots tie up neat and that the right people are chosen for the right thing. It’s hardly a stretch to say this force is influencing how fairies evolve. 

In Thumbelina we learn that Barbie is aware of the Twillerbees, a race of wingless fairies with the ability to influence how plants grow. These seem the most unchanged from the fairies of Fairytopia. They even seem to have regressed a bit, their powers aren’t as strong and their society is far less complex. This is likely a result of them deliberately avoiding the human world. They know nothing about it so they have nothing to emulate.

Contrast that with the Flairies and the Fairy Illuminati, who not only are aware of humanity, but actively try to influence the course of its history. The Flairies do it in a minor way, they just want to influence fashion. The Fairy Illuminati on the other hand? They keep tabs on all major government leaders and celebrities. Perhaps they want to be on top again. 

Near Future

Magic is a privilege for the 1% 

In Barbie’s era the world might have seemed like ours politically, but it was not. In this universe there were no political revolutions, at least none that succeeded. Monarchy remained the standard system of government, likely with the help of some ancient artifacts and winged friends. Now in the not so distant future (relative to our day) we see how society has been shaped by this crucial change. 

There are many smaller kingdoms, rather than few large countries. Heirs and wealthy children are sent away to learn how to govern effectively but they remain mostly ignorant of their subjects’ concerns (Princess Charm School, Princess & the Popstar). It is an unjust system and the people know, but there’s nothing they can do about it.

We see in Rock'n Royals that the royal families have managed to replicate certain magical objects: every royal child has a magic scepter. We also see this Princess Charm School with the magic crown. It’s possible humans did this, (after all, ingenuity is probably our most important trait) but I think it’s more likely that these were gifts from the fairies. They now operate as a shadow government, giving royalty magic weapons and tools in exchange for political influence. 

In all the magic societies we see here, people are prospering. The conflict never comes from inequality or suffering from the masses, it comes from people trying to usurp the throne. LIterally every time. So while there is conflict amongst the ruling class of the magic people, their masses don’t suffer. But they do in the human world. 

Postmodern

Eons later the universe tries make things right

There are only two titles here, and they couldn’t be more different: Magic of the Pegasus, and Starlight Adventure. I can see your confusion, “What is Pegasus doing here? It takes place sometime in… Well sometime around.. not the future!”. But it does take place in the future. There’s a reason no one can pinpoint the era it’s from.

Pegasus takes place in one of two timelines that diverged in between this era and the last. I like to think it came from an attempt to stop the ruling class from ever getting their hands on magic. The leaders of a class revolution stole some time-altering magical artifact from a royal family and used it to stop Odette and the Diamond Wives from succeeding. But time travel is messy, and they didn’t really do it right. Their version of Earth got cast into a sort of pocket dimension where time converged on itself and created a world with elements from many different points in history. That’s why nothing is consistent in the costuming and royalty doesn’t have magic. The magic people are still hidden, they just don’t have any windows to the human world. 

But time travel really only works if you make a new timeline. That’s why Starlight exists. It’s the natural progression from where we left off. Eventually space travel gets big and people become mostly removed from magic. Human ingenuity reigns supreme again and technology booms. But the universe doesn’t last forever and heat death is imminent. So that force that’s been pushing everything along finally does what it intended to do from the beginning and wakes magic up again. It’s goal is to stop the universe from dying, and it knows magic can do that. So it made sure some magic people made their way across the universe and were in position to make things right when the time came. So Barbie saves the universe, for another era at least. 

So the chronological order of the films is:

Barbie: Fairytopia

Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia

Barbie: Mariposa

Mariposa and the Fairy Princess

Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow

Barbie of Swan Lake

Barbie & the Diamond Castle

Barbie as Rapunzel

Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses

Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper

Barbie and the Three Musketeers

Barbie as the Island Princess

Barbie in the Nutcracker

Barbie in A Christmas Carol

The Barbie Diaries

Barbie: Spy Squad

Barbie: A Fashion Fairytale

Barbie: A Fairy Secret

Barbie: A Perfect Christmas

Barbie & Her Sisters in A Pony Tale

Barbie Presents: Thumbelina

Barbie: Video Game Hero

Barbie & Her Sisters in The Great Puppy Adventure

Barbie & Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase

Barbie: Dolphin Magic

Barbie in the Pink Shoes

Barbie in A Mermaid Tale

Barbie in A Mermaid Tale 2

Barbie: Princess Charm School

Barbie: The Princess & the Popstar

Barbie in Rock'n Royals

Barbie: The Pearl Princess

Barbie and the Secret Door

Barbie in Princess Power

Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus

Barbie: Star Light Adventure

[suhmayzooka]

[suhmayzooka]

man sometimes i really want to get back into welding but then i remember that the guys from the first course i took won’t be there and change my mind

[suhmayzooka]

maybe a crazy take idk but i dont actually think many scenes in stories are 'unneccesary' i think they just make people uncomfortable and rather than try to understand the significance of that discomfort and why the author mightve deliberately inflicted it, decide that discomfort = bad, therefore that scene + the author are both bad

[suhmayzooka]

i actually dont think there's anything funnier than people watching a show or whatever bc they heard it allegedly had gay people in it then getting upset when it includes incredibly normal genre specific tropes that they personally dont like, like maybe you should have checked that before you watched it king and then they get mad at the show for being the show that it is instead of embracing it for what it is. like I'm so sorry that axe murderer 30000 had axe murderers in it and didnt have a happy ending and was really violent but i do think there are some context clues around it that could have let you pick up on that

[suhmayzooka]

it's important to me that people know the original "he would not fucking say that" was in response to a tiktok where someone said eric cartman would thank you for asking for his pronouns. Like it just doesn't hit the same without context.

[suhmayzooka]

Has anyone else's autocorrect been getting worse