tacomeatfromtheblackmarket - Tumblr blog

[tacomeatfromtheblackmarket]

I have been intrigued with some procedures as i believe the natural remedies to my problems aren’t enough so i must go beyond the usual to get results i actually want so far I have been thinking of this

Lip tattoo: I want a more pink color instead of brown/two toned they aren’t a “unique” quirk they just make me look dehydrated

Skin lighting in darker areas: this one is conflicting as I was wanting the tan sun kissed tone k use to have when I was younger but being away from the sun lead me to being lighter which is okay but i noticed a lot of my skin is different times which makes it look more dirty especially in nether regionsI also believe it can look like hair so I just end up wanting to hide

Teeth: my teeth kinda shifted once I lost my retainers I also believe they aren’t straight enough I even asked my dentist if there’s a way to fix it but he didn’t make much of a comment I just want to avoid the straight ahead look or the “over bite look”

Laser hair removal: this could take years for all I know as I am just hairy in general, shaving is a daily routine, so far that even the hair on my face grows back within 1-2 days and i definitely want it everywhere

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I should move to a different location to find a better way of eating I look like a fat slob and I have no jaw line, my face is rounder than the moon, I’m ugly as fuck that I never want to be seen in public but IM FORCED TO and just want to avoid any form of relationship I hate to feel this way but it’s true crying won’t do anything

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I had acne my whole life

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When I binged that day I look back on how weird it was as I noticed the behaviors towards it changed no longer was I tasting but just eating even as I’m chewing one cookie I’m thinking of eating the next then next thing you know it’s all gone, as shameful as I feel about it I look forward to a day where I no longer crave them so I never feel this again maybe in a world where they can be made and you can feel full I’ll be happy with eating one again

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I couldn’t think of what to say I guess I was gonna express my new dream but got lost in other thoughts that the “ feeling” went away and no longer feel motivated so back to the drawing board; oh yea it had something to do with dating an old man like really really old man

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Literally mehh

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I miss the person I was January 2024, November 2023, December 2022, November 2022, August 2022, May 2022, and August 2021. Periods where they didn’t feel like much but i would do any to relive them life really moves fast but i must accept that and move on

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Foods I like to eat ( March 2024)

- siete chips, the reasoning is that I learned certain oils used can mess up you gut causing IMFLAMATIONin the skin(acne) I tested this out by removing any products with even one listed vegetable oil and starting noticing am improvement in my skin compared to my teen self, I still have some which I’m also is guessing from the butter not being authentic so time to venture off into other revenues

- chick peas, these taste amazing I like the texture and I feel full after eating one bowl, I don’t add much too them as they taste fine on their own but I think using them as a “pasta” replacement is good

- sweet potatoes, I never had them plain and they are good steamed

- eggplant, I wasn’t sure how to make it at first and followed one recipe where I just cook them in olive oil and they taste good i also believe cutting them up and sprinkle salt on them is good (wait 5-10 minutes before eating for flavor)

- Boh Choy , this taste better that spinach, kale, and other forms of lettuce I would rather use this as my vegetable base

- quinoa, I like it as a replacement for rice it doesn’t taste like much but when eating my steamed vegetables it taste good

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I have this poster on my dresser and just viewing it gave me back so much sense of bitter sweet. This period was another part of my life where I’m just waiting for the next big thing to happen dreaming of fame, fortune, and happiness to escape the kinda conformed lifestyle I was accustomed to. I wonder if my start for fan girling or becoming a Stan came from the lack of self I had when I was at this stage so since Nicki was an idol who had a life that seemed far beyond more interesting than mine why not support her as she could one day provide maybe a fraction of what I crave which is just excitement, fun, interesting. But so far my biggest obstacle in life is eating properly at 21 but I guess it’s better than never

[tacomeatfromtheblackmarket]

I always end up back at this low point where I believe any efforts I make are not worth it and starting over just seems impossible, none the less even getting to my goal weight seems impossible I’ve never ended up achieving it as I have followed different diet tips and nutrition advice from influencer who ended up being my last resort when people online from nutritionist, doctors, and family always give such advice that makes me feel worse. But noticing what my bad habits are helps recognize them for the future maybe I am too harsh on myself when it comes to “dieting” as this isn’t a quick fix but a lifestyle change, one where I can look back and say never again my hardest being childhood favorites like French fries, chocolate, bread, and chips they just taste so good but I must resist them if I want to be Bella hadid slim

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I don’t care how many “body positivity” post come on my feed to persuade me into living a life of mediocrity and settling with that I have, as that is just not who I am my soul won’t rest until I get what I want I waited way to long to achieve my dream and only for it to be fumbled by constant yo yo dieting constant plans being ruined over stupid decisions I make, I just try to move on and try again to see what does and doesn’t work but I’ll honestly fall into a depression if I’m like 26 still figuring out how to lose weight even 24 is too long

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The person I want to be could just be a few months away, no longer a dream,but a reality

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As a fun experiment I found out how many days until I turn 30, it’ll be in the year 2032 which seems far but it’s only 3,185 days, I like to reflect now on how I will utilize my time in order to avoid that feeling of “wasting it” maybe somehow achieve what I deem greatness which is not just the money in my pockets but what I do for a living as a whole doesn’t really mean anything when I don’t have respect? no.. does money mean anything when not earned as it’s constantly given to me and can be taken away anytime I piss of the master..not really, or how about if I have to lose everyone just to reach the top, unless I have no one then no… right now it’s not the worst as I’m still dealing with bad habits like bad sleep schedules, procrastination, binging, being lazy but maybe I just lack purpose on why I’m in school I mean I got some things I wanted in life like living in an apartment practically free if it came with a cost of workers then yes that drive would definitely go up but the last thing that keeps me moving is family as I would hate to see them upset over the fact they wasted their money just for me not to pursue anything, I could take the nihilistic route and think this is all useless but I can just try making the most of what I have utilizing it to my advantage and stop being ashamed of where I came from and PURSUE..

Kim Kardashian-“ Get your fucking ass up and work, it seems like nobody wants to work these days you have to surround yourself with people who are doing better than you (or something like that but you get the point”)

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There is no history to my name, a blank canvas yet to be painted , a way to have someone create art many days years pass, I wonder if I’ll ever experience it or I die a blank canvas or maybe in itself that is art

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Self -Reflection: What are some of the things holding you back from being the person you want to be:

1. Ideal body, vanity has is something I’ve always strived for but always fall back to bad habits when my living situation changes, such as living with parents who eat snacks and takeout a lot, but discipline is a way for me to improve on that or not even going home.

2. Direction in career; with such a broad field I feel overwhelmed with the many choices , I shall see what I prefer and compare to how much revenue I can make with it

3. Dating seems really strange idk who I should look for as I don’t know why men just don’t want to befriend their girlfriends why is it purely transactional or some sort of end goal to prove to others, if you don’t want to date or care then just admit that or spend your hard earned money on robotic sex dolls or prostitutes who will provide you want you want money for sex. I sometimes also think my personality does not mesh well with guys I don’t really hang out with any or speak enough to make a conclusion on what they are thinking based on behavior or tone. I would like to date but I’m like blank canvas who doesn’t know where to belong

4. Acne is horrible, but has gotten better the few things I eat that are processed are Choboni creamer, Dunkin Iced coffee, Chocolate (real milk no oils), bread maybe

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(Not a picture of me but Indy Marie is so gorgeous)

I usually think about giving up on this “glow up” journey by week 1-2 I’m head strong in knowing what I need to do but this year feels different I think at this age I realize how many times I have given up where it’s becoming just sad to me. I know I can do it I just need to stop giving up when things become rough this whole time I probably had “one” bad day as I was sick from a medication I took making it hard to stand and cool anything so I resulted to eating chocolate but seeing no loss of progress I kept it pushing and luckily got a majority foods I needed to keep me full longer and are heart healthy like carrots, kimchi, sardines, and I don’t even buy Lipton green tea anymore so far I just drink coffee and tea bags with a cup of water. I will say I do feel a lot better as I never feel uncomfortable in my clothing or deal with dietary reactions like bloating, but I do burp loud now which I might need to stop eating bread because it’s cringe. But I have a few months until I might start seeing more change🌙