#//i liiiike this direction for him slightly better but We'll See

[troublcmakcrs]

I was writing a reply earlier, and it made me realize Craig suffers from pretty severe depersonalization, most prominently as a teenager, but it follows him into adulthood, too. I've got some more research to do before I hit him with an actual diagnosis of the triple-D's (Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder), but he is definitely experiencing Symptoms, and they do become debilitating and affect his relationships with other people.

The change is a subtle one that grows steadily worse as time passes, and at first, I would imagine very few people notice it. People don't take notice of the way Craig has become increasingly stiff, monotonous, robotic, and apathetic because... well... that's just Craig. But he stops answering texts from or spending time with even his closest friends because it requires more than the bare minimum of socialization out of him, and he can only manage the automatic and mechanical responses to most people. Going through the motions of life because he has to. Piloting the vessel he somehow came to be in possession of around the world because people would find it more odd if he didn't.

He becomes a much better student, leaning more heavily into his studies, because it allows him to engage in a lot of mindless repetition that comes most easily to him in those days and actually relaxes him in a way that few other things and the expectations that come with them do.

He often thinks about how he doesn't exist and bristles easily when other people speak to him, their perception of him clashing miserably with his own.

His nonexistence is a concern for him, and he is prone to tears when he suddenly awakens back into being and has to confront every feeling at once, although he tries to hide those tears from people and put himself back together as quickly as possible.

He often leaves his concept of personhood wrapped up in other places and things, and at his amusement park job, he finds a sense of being in the rollercoasters he works with, often viewing them as more alive than he is. He intertwines his existence with them and comes to feel that he only exists because they do. And he sees the world of the amusement park as much more real and substantial than the one outside. Whenever he leaves his job in the evenings, his energy rapidly depletes, and he goes back to feeling hollow and like he is navigating the rest of the world through a thick fog.

He is not disconnected from reality, though, and he understands the world outside the amusement park is the real world and that he must at least try to pay attention to it, although he struggles to reconcile his knowledge and his feelings.

Craig is, unfortunately, also resistant to the idea that he is "crazy" after putting up with Tweek for so many years. He feels like the more normal of the two of them and adamantly insists to both himself and others that he is not mentally ill and that everyone must feel as he does sometimes -- never mind that his "sometimes" has lasted multiple years. He tells himself that the agony of getting hollowed out every time he leaves a certain location, the way he blinks and suddenly it's been two months since the last time he texted someone (having a shaky relationship with the concept of time), or how the world seems more desaturated than it reasonably should be with only small pockets of vivid color here are there... are all just... quirky things about himself. The same growing pains that everyone must experience. He'll shake it off eventually, any day now.

He gets better at like... being aware and trying to work past it as an adult, although it is less of an acknowledgment of his mental illness and more of a resolution that he has got to be around for the people he cares about, and he starts working to repair a lot of his neglected friendships. He does, however, still experience periods where he gets "spacey" and seems/feels suddenly empty. He tries to stay in existence for as long as possible, but he still slips out of it now and again.