#/i feel like i've made this post before but maybe i just dreamt that

[veilchenjaeger]

Istg the next time I'm in a fandom for something US-American, I'm going to include exactly one line in every fic I write that establishes that the characters regularly return Pfandflaschen. Everything else will be entirely geographically neutral, the entire fic could be set anywhere in the world, but that one line - which should never appear within the first third of the first chapter - will establish that the fic is inexplicably and for no reason at all set in Germany.

[milkywayes]

dreamt a cipher

a shepard/garrus post-destroy ending longfic.

[AO3 link]

I’ve debated a while about when to start posting this. Now it’s the new year, and I’ve been working on Cipher for over a year and a half, and I’ve waited long enough to start sharing it with you all. I’ve decided it’s finally time to start uploading while I work on the final chapters.

I started writing this before I ever drew a single piece of fanart for Mass Effect. It’s all the things that were bouncing around in my head after choosing the destroy ending with a mostly-paragon Shepard—consequence and responsibility and self-recrimination; her relationship with Garrus and with herself; their ties to each other and how much weight they can bear; their differing perspectives and how they slot together—all that fun stuff—compressed into a story, a place, a narrative. 

I believe in the power of love, and I promise a happy ending. They’ve just been taking the long way to get there. Feel free to yell at me in the meantime.

A huge thank you to @callista-curations for her meticulous and invaluable beta work, and to @that-wildwolf and @gammaraydeath for being the best hypemen I could ask for!

A more detailed list of warnings can be found on AO3.

I've posted the full cover art here.

────

Summary:

Pairing: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian Rating: M (subject to change) Important Tags: post-destroy ending - angst with a happy ending - slow burn (of sorts) - arguing - reconciliation - survivor guilt - minor original characters Her own personal Noverian peak. That’s what it was supposed to be. Nothing but the discovery: no distractions, no comfort, no windows looking out—no familiar faces. But it's starting to look like her winning streak might have ended in that pile of Citadel rubble, if it ever extended that far to begin with. ──── “How does the Earth idiom go? No use beating a dead—” A long-suffering sigh. “What was it again?” “A dead horse. And yet, you’re here. Beating it.” Pot, kettle. She wishes he’d just fucking say it.

-> AO3.

Read the start of Chapter 1: Constant Velocity under the cut!

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The overhead lights flicker as they always do when the data screens are up and running. It’s not something one gets used to, even so. It stings at her ocular nerves—or something like that, anyway, somewhere along the delicate wires that extend from her eyeballs into her brain—but her focus on the data doesn’t waver.

“In that case,” says Shepard, squinting against the ache, “what we need is salvage from a relay outside the immediate burst zone. Four jumps away. Five, if possible. There’s no point to any of this if we can’t scrape together a control group.”

She glances back at Elsawy, who so far hasn’t made it more than a meter into the room. She nods without looking up from her omni-tool; orange shimmers off her shiny, black hair, giving her the uncomfortable air of a Cerberus operative. Not the worst comparison, except that Miranda would waste no time letting her know if her logic took a faulty turn somewhere. Elsawy’s just as likely to agree now and write a message detailing all her crap conclusions later.

Leaning her hip against the conference table, Shepard shifts her weight off her left leg, bites down on the sigh that almost manages to slip out. Once in the clear, she grouses, “Where the hell is Meyer? He’s the one that called this meeting.”

As it is, it’s three people in attendance and she’s the only one talking. She could’ve achieved the same results with a voice call from her quarters, where she could elevate her leg in peace and without witnesses. In the dark.

“Lab Two,” answers Elsawy, finally ripping her attention off the omni-screen and gracing Shepard with a second of eye contact. Maybe in another life she could appreciate the effort—Jesus, as if she hasn’t had her fill of lives already. “We’re close to a breakthrough on the initial output patterns. Sorry. He’s been feeding his data to me.”

“Right.” She blinks once, twice, in time with the flickering. It doesn’t help; it never does. “I’ll swing by later, then. Anything else he asked you to relay?” 

“Just that, Commander.” Elsawy is mumbling just enough that her voice has to compete with the drone of the air vents. The translator takes a second to filter out and amplify it. The result is less than perfect: “More salvage—” bzzrt—“bigger picture, you got it.” She narrows her eyes, and Shepard raises a brow. “Left leg or—” bzz!—“left hip?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Commander.”

“It’s nothing relevant,” she says pleasantly, forcing herself to stand up straight again. There’s a brief tremor shaking up her hamstrings; she waves a hand to distract from it. In the frenzy of the lights, the movement looks jerky, nervous. She soldiers on. “Old field injury. Unrelated. Anything can set it off.”

Funny, kind of, since it’s that very leg that ends in the most perfect, cooperative example of a foot she’s ever had the pleasure of treading on. It’s cloned; a replacement. Not the only one either. They should’ve just done away with the whole limb, but she hadn’t been consulted. Same with her trick shoulder. Not even Cerberus had managed to get that one back on the straight and narrow.

“I’d rather you bring it up with the doctor,” replies Elsawy. This is, apparently, what it takes for her to finally speak at a reasonable volume. “If we manage to fill even one of the data gaps…”

“I know,” she says. “I know, and I’m telling you, it’s unrelated.”

-> continue reading on AO3

[kotias]

Writers Guild Cock Fight - Do I wanna know?

This is a retaliation piece against @lauramoon1987 ! You have been warned, Laura!! 🫵🫵🫵🫵

For the smut war going on on @goodomensafterdark !

Song to listen to while reading: Do I Wanna Know? By Arctic Monkeys

Tumblr excerpt word count: 721

Total word count: 1 957

Trigger warnings: consumption of alcohol

Type of smut: angsty post-season 2

Have you got colour in your cheeks?

Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift the tide

That sticks around like something in your teeth?

Are there some aces up your sleeve?

Have you no idea that you're in deep?

I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week

How many secrets can you keep?

'Cause there's this tune I found

That makes me think of you somehow an' I play it on repeat

Until I fall asleep, spilling drinks on my settee

Alcohol. That’s what he was missing. He extracted himself from his chair and walked to his kitchen, where an infinite variety of beautiful liquors, wines, beers, distilled alcohols were displayed. He did not even bother taking a glass out of the pantry and drank directly from the whisky bottle.

It took him about an hour to down the entire bottle, scorching the inside of his throat.

Not enough.

He raided his kitchen again, and found his bottle of absinthe. That should do the trick…

The taste of it on his lips was already enough to feel submerged with a fire that very much agreed with his demon body, and he filled a glass to the rim with it before storing it away. He took a large gulp out, shivered from it overwhelming his senses and coughed out the discomfort.

(Do I wanna know?) If this feeling flows both ways?

(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hoping that you'd stay

(Baby, we both know) That the nights were mainly made

For saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

He did not allow himself to think about the last memories he had collected before going to sleep, refused to let his mind wonder to the feeling of those soft, plump lips on his ow-

He finished his glass and threw it at a wall.

“Damn it!”

He did not want to think about it, it was too painful! Too fresh! Too- too- “FUCK!”

Those hands on his back, clutching at his vest like he was on a lifeline, the little gasp he let out, the conflict and storm of emotions in his eyes-

“FUCKING STOP IT!” he yelled, crashing into his couch. His mind was replaying it, again and again, never stopping, looping that memory until he was dizzy with it.

Soft lips, desperate gesture, clutching his lapel, hands on his back, gasp-

I forgive you.

“Oh, fuck you,” he grumbled at the universe at large after the second bottle of whisky had been downed, and let his body lie down.

Crawling back to you

The angel’s hand, clutching to his back for just a moment, the tip of his tongue pressing against his mouth, his wheezes as he touched him… the softness of his skin, the smell of old books surrounding him, the taste of sweet black tea in his breath-

Ever thought of calling when

You've had a few?

'Cause I always do

Maybe I'm too

Busy being yours

To fall for somebody new

Now, I've thought it through

“Actually, that ain’t that bad of an idea, is it?” Crowley mumbled with a weak crooked smile, his voice breaking in his throat. “I’ll give you something to forgive me over, Ô Supreme Archangel Aziraphale.” He put the bottle down on the lower table and reached down his stomach, grazing the fabric with his long nails. “You’d better hear my voice as I pray up to you.”

He closed his eyes and sighed as his cold fingers passed under his shirt and touched the line of crimson hairs coming up from his crotch.

Click. His snake belt fell open, the buttons of his slim jeans quickly followed. His left hand raised to his chest, pressed against it, forcing the air out of him in a soft growl. The tips of his fingers slithered under his collar, sending waves of scalding desire through his limbs.

Crawling back to you

The angel’s tongue pushing into his own, pulling him closer, hungry, hungry, so ravenous for him-

He moaned into the hollow of his mouth, his legs weakening under his love. Aziraphale’s lips, descending on his chin, on his throat, ripping his shirt open, and oh how mellow his voice was, rippling against his collarbone, penetrating his chest and pulling at his heart like it belonged to him.

Fic continuation on AO3

[nihyunluvskookie]

You shouldn’t have been here

 Seungcheol one shot

Pairing: Seungcheol x Fem reader

Genre: angst

Word count: 4.6K

Warnings: mention of guns, bullets, firing, losing of parents at a young age, implied death

Author’s Note: Firstly, Merry Christmas!! and here's a fic, I've been wanting to write, I finally got some time to write and completed it, this is definitely not the ideal fic to post on Christmas TT but here it is, and ofc it's mafia fic. Hope you like this~

Happy reading ~

“I’ll be back tomorrow, I love you” and she kissed him. He looked happy and so was she, “I’ll wait for you, too bad I don’t have a night shift tonight and you’re leaving. Bed would be cold without you” Seungcheol was caging her and he didn’t want her to leave. There was a hidden sadness in her face, but she looked at him with eyes full of love. “I’ll be back tomorrow Cheol, I promise I’ll be back tomorrow morning before you leave for work” and she smiled at him.

“text me or call me once you reach, okay?” he was always protective of her, but why wouldn’t he be, after all she was his wife. “I will now get some sleep” She kissed him and left.

She was driving her car and she was thinking about Seungcheol, she looked at the time, it was 08:08 pm exactly, Seungcheol’s birthday date. There was a faint smile on her face but she focused on the road.

“Would you like an upgradation from my girlfriend to my wife?” the way Seungcheol was looking at her while giving the bouquet, no words could describe how he was feeling. She was overwhelmed, but she wanted to be herself and be with him. Seungcheol was her home, her home when there was no one for her.

The moment Seungcheol knelt down, and showed her the ring, “I want you to be my wife, I want to spend my whole life with you, will you marry me?” marriage for Sihyun was something she always dreamed of but marrying the person she loves the most and actually wants to spend her whole life was something she just dreamt of or maybe something like a fever dream but happening infront of her, she was unable to say a single word, tears were threatening to fall, “Ye-Yes” it was her broken voice, Seungcheol heard her voice, and smiled at her, once he took her hand and made her wear the ring, he got up and cupped her face. “I love you so much Sihyun, I love you so much, I can’t live without you”

“I love you too Seungcheol” and he kissed her softly; he would always kiss her softly, for him, she is someone who deserves all the happiness and everything and of course him.

He suddenly lifted her up and twirled her around, “I am so happy Sihyun” he could only hear her laughs and for her, he was her whole world.

She parked the car, and took out her bag and went towards the apartment. Once she was inside, she went towards the lift and pressed the top floor button, she looked at her watch, and in a fraction of a second she was at the top floor.

She went towards the door and pressed the doorbell. “You’re here” Sihyun smiled at Hanuel, “Come inside”

Sihyun stepped inside, and took off her heels then went straight towards the living room. “Want to eat something?” Sihyun shook her head, she was in a conflict in her mind, and in deep thoughts about Seungcheol, “No, I already had dinner with Seungcheol”

“I see, how is he doing?”

“He is good.” Haneul sat facing her, “Is something bothering you?”

Sihyun wasn’t a big opener about her problems, the only person she trusted a lot was Seungcheol, beside that sharing her problems with anyone else felt like a burden to her at times but then she could always use the company of Hanuel and Seungmin. “I don’t know” and she sighed, Hanuel looked at her, Sihyun was always lost in deep thoughts nowadays, it’s been months but she wasn’t opening up, maybe Seungmin knew about it.

“Sihyun if you don’t say what’s the matt-”

“I think Seungcheol was doubting me somewhere but why would he?”

“He’s doubting you?” Sihyun nodded, “Did he drop any hints?” Sihyun nodded. “And these things are making me doubt him, I wonder what is he doing and what not, I never felt like this all these eight years, everything was going smoothly but why now? when everything is going so smoothly. Seungcheol was that person in my life, who taught me how to trust but now? if one single thing happens and falls apart, it’s all over.”

“Don’t worry too much, he won’t know and you’ve a reason Sihyun. You’re not hurting him or something, it’s you. You love him, you can never wish for his downfall.”

“But Hanuel if what I am thinking is true then why would he lie to me, I need to know him, his intentions, I can’t take any betrayal after all these years I spent with him”

“You’re overthinking Sihyun, Seungcheol is not that kind of guy, who would lie to you for so long.”

“But Seungmin? He can never be wrong, and he always tells me the things he found out, if what me and Seungmin are thinking are true then I would be making myself a fool infront of my whole team and family.”

“Don’t overthink too much, Sihyun. Be the way you are.” Sihyun sighed and looked at the time, today it took her almost two hours to come here. “I need to change and then we will leave. Inform Seungmin to come here, and I will go in his car, I can’t risk taking my car this time not after Seungcheol’s car passed through the same place and we were almost about to cross eachother’s path that night”

“Okay” saying that Sihyun took her bag and went to Hanuel’s bedroom to change her clothes.

Once she was inside, she started changing her clothes, a black dress, a black leather jacket, black boots, and a small pendent. She did her makeup lightly and looked at the mirror. “Sihyun, what are you doing?” “This is all for the people who left you alone”

The look was giving her an intimidating vibe; which was enough to let people know this is how a leader should behave. Once she was done with her hair, tying it up in a low ponytail, she came out of the room only to see Seungmin sitting on the couch.

“Are you ready for tonight?” Seungmin asked and she nodded, “Always have to be ready. Is everyone ready?” he nodded, “Everything’s ready and everyone is on their way. And everything is inside my car.”

“Perfect. We need to get this either way.”

“Don’t worry, everything will go your way, and I don’t think they will find us today as well, we’ve been eluding them till now without any problem and today’s a big day for us.”

“Seungmin, we can’t overlook the fact that Seungcheol’s car passed through the same place that night, and last time, it was barely three minutes difference and I cannot risk it again.”

“But you said he is staying home, right?” Seungmin looked serious, Seungcheol was one reason everyone was stressed, “Yes”

“So, don’t worry Sihyun, nothing will go wrong and it’s our day today.” Sihyun was stressed but she couldn’t show it infront of Haneul. She smiled at her, “Yes, let’s get going. We need to reach by midnight and since it will take time, let’s go now.”

They were ready and went down to the basement, Sihyun got inside Seungmin’s car and Hanuel took hers. “Can I drive Seungmin?”

“Do you want to blow off some steam tonight?” Sihyun smiled, Seungmin being her right-handed man, always knew, how driving was her way to release stress and it’s rare for them to go hit the racing circuit after she got married, most of the time spending time with Seungcheol would take away her stress or at times it would be Seungcheol who would make love and Sihyun could never deny him because he always gave her the best cuddles after that and the sleep would be the best one.

“Once we are done with the deal, I’ll let you drive” and Seungmin started the car, “since you’re going back to your husband’s arms tomorrow morning. I know you, can’t even stay away from him Sihyun; you love him so much and it shows it on your face.”

“But sometimes I feel this is wrong, carrying out the whole gang and then going back to his arms as if nothing happened. Sometimes I feel like I will pay the price for being the leader and being happy.”

“You’re doing this for your people Sihyun, never blame yourself and you have every right to be happy. You chose Seungcheol because you love him but you didn’t abandon us so doesn’t matter. You are happy.”

“You know, yesterday we went to meet Jeonghan and his wife, and when I saw Seungcheol holding their little angel in his arms, I realized how badly I want Seungcheol to be the father of our child.” Seungmin stopped the car in the traffic and looked at Sihyun, Sihyun looked like she was somewhere in her own world. The love for Seungcheol was something that always made her weak whenever it came to work, her work was dangerous, and her life was dangerous but living with Seungcheol she was always afraid, of leaving him and what’s coming for her next. She can’t risk everything but she is risking everything because of him after all.

They entered their house and Seungcheol locked the door, “Seungcheol” Sihyun’s voice was barely audible, she was about to go upstairs to their bedroom but she stopped but still didn’t face Seungcheol, she was hesitating, she never felt like this. Till date she always felt having kids is something she can never think about, being a mother and the thoughts of parenting always haunted her and specially after thinking how she saw her family getting killed infront of her eyes, when she was barely nine years. She was reminded of what is her work and whatever is she going to say had the power to flip her whole world upside down. Because one mistake from her side and it’s all over.

She felt Seungcheol’s steps approaching her, soon he wrapped his arms around her waist, “What happened my love?” Sihyun was deep in her thoughts, how would Seungcheol react and what if the past that happened with her repeats? Seungcheol knew she lost her family when she was nine years old but he doesn’t know why. Seungcheol knew her but at the same time he didn’t. “Sihyun” his voice was low, and he rested his head on her head, Sihyun turned around to look at him, “Cheol”

“Yes my love?” and that was it. ‘my love’

“A thought crossed my mind today when you were holding Jeonghan and Luna’s lil angel Mirae, I wondered how would you look holding a lil angel who looked like you, your eyes, your dimples, your smile” a smile spread on Sihyun’s face, “Even I want our little angel to look like you.” Sihyun’s eyes widened in the realization of what he had said, “What do you-” Before she could say anything, he kissed her. Seungcheol always wanted Sihyun’s approval in this matter, he always dreamt of holding their baby that’s why he waited till Sihyun said it. He had faith in Sihyun she would be a good mother and they would make nice parents.

“Looks like my baby is finally ready to take the next step” he looked at her and said, Sihyun was unable to say anything, “I was waiting for you to say” Sihyun realized how much Seungcheol respected her. “I love you so much” and she kissed him, and pulled herself back. Seungcheol held Sihyun shoulder and his other hand was holding her cheeks; he leaned closer and Sihyun could see what he was going to do next. He kissed her and her hands traveled from his shoulder to his neck, Seungcheol pulled her closer and she parted, “I love you too” and kissed her again. Seungcheol parted after they were out of breath and he picked her up in his arms “Let’s make you feel how much I love you” Sihyun smiled at him and buried her head in his embrace

“What did he say?” She looked at Seungmin, who was looking at her, “Even I want our little angel to look like you”

“Isn’t that good?” Seungmin’s voice was low, “You know what happened with my family and why, I am scared Seungmin, I am scared of what’s coming, and having a baby, I can, I want to with Seungcheol, I want to have our own small little family but the fear is still there. And I don’t want my baby anywhere near my work. I don’t want my baby to find out who I am which is impossible Seungmin and then there are chances of everyone getting targeted.” Sihyun sighed

“Don’t stress too much about it Sihyun” Sihyun smiled at Seungmin.

Soon, they reached and Seungmin parked the car. “Everything’s at the back seat” Sihyun nodded and went to check everything at the back seat. “Are the guns loaded?” Seungmin nodded, Sihyun took her gun and kept it with her. “Let’s try not to kill anyone tonight. I don’t want anyone interrupting our deal” Seungmin nodded and they saw Hanuel’s car parking. Hanuel came out of her car with her gun in her hand. Seungmin was holding a briefcase and they all went inside the warehouse.

“Everyone’s ready with everything?” the whole gang was there and they nodded, “Yes ma’am” There was the seat of Sihyun, she was walking gracefully with Seungmin, her right-handed man. Hanuel stepped back and stayed as the incharge of everyone. “Everyone’s safety should be the priority along with our deal, okay?”

“Yes ma’am”

“When are they coming Hanuel?” Sihyun took a seat and asked her, “They are almost here.”

“Good” Once they are in their work mood, there’s no friendship, it’s work relationship. That’s how Sihyun taught herself to handle the whole mafia gangs, she was the leader. Her identity was hidden, she was living a normal life without exposing her identity of mafia leader. She was the leader of Mafia and she handled everything with Seungmin.

“They’re here.” Hanuel said.

Sihyun crossed her legs and nodded, “Let the boss in and everyone stay outside. You too Hanuel.”

“But-” Hanuel was surprised because Sihyun never did this, “I said, OUT EVERYONE.”

“Okay ma’am” Seungmin was with Sihyun, “What’s wrong?”

“I want this deal to be just between us, no interruption Seungmin, I do not want anyone else inside and we can’t let our guards down, no matter what”

Once everyone was outside, it was just Sihyun and Seungmin; the other gang leader entered the warehouse, he was with his man. “Looks like you wanted only me tonight?” Sihyun wasn’t liking the way this man was talking to her, being the leader and a woman she knew, how she could be treated by other leaders but Seungmin was always there by her side, and never let these men get her. Last time a man talked down with Sihyun, Seungmin lost his clam but Sihyun killed him, that’s when there was almost a war because Sihyun killed an underboss.

“Did you forget how I killed him and do you want to be the next guy, who wants to get killed by my precious gun?” there was a smirk on her face.

The guy had his hands up, “Okay, I surrender, I am here for money and you’re here for your weapons, once the deal is done, it’s over”

“Good, come and take a seat.” Sihyun smiled. The man came and took a seat opposite to her, it was the leader of Kwon gang. One of the top gangs and also a ruthless one.

Once they showed each other, whatever they need, Sihyun checked the weapons and Seungmin showed the money. “Looks like this weapon deal is done” the guy had a smirk, and Sihyun smiled, “Yes” she took a pause and leaned towards him, “But always remember not to mess up with my people, I won’t hesitate to kill you and your members next time I see them killing any of my man or trying to hack our systems” Sihyun looked intensely at him, “Okay?”

“Well, you can’t order around like that Kim Sihyun” she had a smirk, “Of course I can, because all of my men are outside, and your people are already taken down. That’s what you pay for trying to hack our system and killing two of my men”

“Are you out of your mind?” she smiled at him, “I wish I was, but that’s how you handle double-faced people. Now get up and walk away, and remember not to mess up with me” he got up and at the same time, Sihyun and Seungmin heard Hanuel’s voice in their in-ear “Seungcheol and a team is almost here, get out of this place with Sihyun. RIGHT NOW.”

“Leave, they are here.” By the time, Sihyun’s voice was heard, everything turned upside down in a second, “Do not wait for me, leave. LEAVE HANUEL, TAKE EVERYONE AWAY I WANT EVERYONE TO BE SAFE.” Sihyun threw her in-ear and looked at Seungmin, “You take everything and leave first”

“No”

“I said, LEAVE.”

“I REFUSE KIM SIHYUN”

“THIS IS AN ORDER” By the time she could say one more word, she heard the door open and she pushed Seungmin, “If you ever cared about me, then leave” and that was it, Seungmin had no choice, and Sihyun didn’t know what was she going to do?

Surrender to Seungcheol? When she doesn’t even know why is he here?

To prove herself right that Seungcheol was lying to her and is an undercover agent?

That Seungcheol was the following her?

“Hands up” and then she heard her husband’s voice. And Seungmin couldn’t leave because of his loyalty, no matter how much Sihyun pushed him away. She could recognize his footsteps, and they were getting closer.

She saw him holding a gun and she was standing there face to face with him. Never in her nightmare, she was prepared for a day like this, standing face to face with Seungcheol and him pointing a gun towards her.

“What are you doing here? You shouldn’t have been here.” He screamed, the anger was visible on his face, he was pointing his gun toward her and in a second, everyone was pointing a gun towards her, “Lower your guns, not a single bullet should be fired and no one should hurt her or I will shoot you myself” his voice was stern, Sihyun rarely saw Seungcheol being pissed but today was something else, it was a blow-off for both of them. No one dared to speak a single word, “But sir-”

“STAND DOWN I SAID” Seungcheol’s voice almost made her flinch, but her expression stayed the same.

“So? Sihyun, how long have you been lying to me about everything?” he asked, his voice was almost unrecognizable to himself, she couldn’t answer and it was very evident that Seungcheol was pissed. She didn’t have any answer, “You also lied to me Seungcheol” and then she looked at him, directly in his eyes. No one had any answer, both were doing their own job, and falling in love was something that was never in their plan and how worse it could be that, the case Seungcheol was assigned and Sihyun was the mastermind and leader of everything. It was her job to protect her team and familia but it was his job to take her down, how could the universe be so cruel?

The pain and hurt were visible in his eyes, he wanted to prove himself wrong tonight, it’s been more than years since Seungcheol was assigned this thing, and he was an undercover agent. He was feeling cheated on his trust, he almost had a fight with his vice-team leader about Sihyun being the leader and he said he would prove them wrong tonight that’s why he lied to Sihyun about going out.

But here he is, standing face to face gun pointed towards his own wife, who was a ruthless gang leader. How could he do this to his own wife?

“You shouldn’t have been here SIHYUN” his screams weren’t helping him at all. There was just silence, no one spoke a single word.

“You shouldn’t have been here not after all this” Seungcheol’s mind wasn't working at all, looking at his wife as the person who was behind all this, she was the prime suspect but he was in denial and now that she is standing infront of him, he was more than shocked and angry.

“Seungcheol, remember I love you but for once in my life, I am going to choose my job” and she took out her loaded gun and pointed at him. Sihyun had no choice. “Let him leave and I will be the one here” Seungcheol, never said no to his wife, for him she was always the priority but he couldn’t even let his emotions take over him right now, he was on his duty. “If I let him go then what are you going to do Sihyun?” if her eyes could tell him how hurt she was when she heard her own name, she wasn’t used to this Seungcheol. “I am the one, you need.” She took a pause and looked at Seungmin, “Let him go.”

“Bring him” Another officer went to bring Seungmin, he was holding Seungmin. “Leave him” Seungcheol agreed and Seungmin had to walk away from the warehouse, Seungcheol knew what he was doing, he was trying to make Sihyun vulnerable and he had his team all over this place, once Seungmin stepped out of this warehouse, he is going to be caught by the officers and he would be taken away from this place.

“Now, put that gun down. You cannot leave this place” she shook her head, “I won’t and mind it, by the time you take me down, everyone would be gone, I saved my members already.” Sihyun’s eyes never looked away from Seungcheol’s eyes, there was a tension only they knew. “I gave you my heart already and there’s nothing left to give you anymore. My love, my heart and my whole life, it’s all yours. The day I realised I was in love, I knew what I was signing up for, the love the betrayal. I kept myself prepared for the day, maybe someone will ask me to surrender for being the leader but, never in my wildest nightmare I imagined you, that you would be here as the officer and telling me to put my gun down?”

“Why would you lie about yourself Seungcheol?” she was hurt, he knew she was hurt. It was his mission, he couldn’t even share this even after getting married, he wanted this mission to be over so that he could tell Sihyun and be happy. Seungcheol was feeling betrayed but on the other hand Sihyun was also feeling betrayed, both were on their duty and the crime of being in love and married to eachother was enough to tear them apart. “I love you Seungcheol and I can give up on my life for you but I can’t betray my family and knowing how they weren’t even my blood but someone I could call my family. And after knowing how much me and my people had to go through, I can’t step back. Do you want to know who made me like this?” Sihyun’s eyes were speaking, Sihyun never opened up totally with her past and Seungcheol was always waiting for her to say it without forcing her. “You and your organization” she had a tight smile “They didn’t take a single step when our family was killed. My own family died infront of my eyes, I never told you, how but my family was killed infront of my eyes when I was just nine years. And the people you’re working with, you call them justice?” she let out a smirk, remembering how she still gets the nightmare of her family getting killed infront of her, it was another reason why she afraid to be with Seungcheol. “It turned a blind eye and that was it.”

“I was alone until I found you.” all the memories of Seungcheol felt like a flashback to her.

“Seungcheol” she took a deep breath, she wanted to be calm and say everything that’s inside her but her heart was beating like crazy because she was nervous. “Your smile heals me. You make me happy and I admire you a lot. You helped me to find a home, a home I can always return back to. I want to give you all the love, more than you deserve. I call you, ‘My Seungcheol’ because you are everything to me. Love is not just a word I can use to describe you, you are a feeling, an emotion for me, you always give me a heart-warming feeling that no one else can ever give to me. You are my own Seungcheol. I will never keep a secret from you and will stay with you in all your happiness and sadness. I am ready to share my life with you and take one more step towards us. I love you too”

Once the exchange of rings was over, the priest then asked, “Do you Choi Seungcheol take Kim Sihyun, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to share your life openly, standing with her in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease to cherish and love forever more?” her eyes were fixed on Seungcheol, and she heard “I Do” it felt like her whole world stopped for him. He smiled at her, his dimples. Another reason she never wanted to let go of him.

The priest turned to Sihyun, “Do you Kim Sihyun take Choi Seungcheol, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to share your life openly, standing with her in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease to cherish and love forever more?” She took a deep breath and replied, “I do”

“You may now kiss your Bride”

The kiss was one overwhelming one and it had so many emotions in them. She couldn’t believe she made this decision, this was the second decision she made for herself. She was happy, she could feel the happiness, just for today she wanted to be the girl she wanted to be, forgetting about her duties as a leader. She wanted to be just ‘Seungcheol’s Wife’

“Why would you do this Sihyun? Why? Was everything a lie?” Seungcheol couldn’t process anything, everything Sihyun told him yesterday about have a little one and being a happy family was coming back to him as a flashback.

“You’re my happiness and my home but seems like at the end of the day you would also leave me. You knew everything about me Seungcheol except one fact, I am the leader you’ve been looking for since years, even before we met, if only I knew this is how it was going to end then I wouldn’t have met you” by this time, Sihyun was tearing up, it reminded of all the best memories Seungcheol gave her. How her life was beautiful after meeting him, “I love you but I hate your organization and now that I know you’re the one who was handling my case, I can’t even hate you. It all fell down.”

“I always had a motto, and that was to ‘die with dignity’” and with that the grip around her gun got tighter, “Thankyou Seungcheol for all these amazing seven years, I love you” and she fired.

The moment the bullet was fired, Seungcheol moved from his place but his bullet hit her right there and against his will he realized he shot her.

“Sihyun” was the last thing she heard before falling into the floor.

And the very next day, it was Seungcheol who received the award standing infront of the whole crowd, he was holding the trophy. He gave his speech and only he knew how much it was hurting. Only he knew, how he saw his wife dying, the tears that were threatening to fall, didn’t deserve to fall. It was the pain of losing his wife, his support system, his love, and the person he trusted the most, but then what is even trust?

He was the one who shot his wife and here he is being awarded for that.

All the dreams died down the moment she took her last breath infront of him saying she still loved him even after this.

[hell0mega]

uh oh

going to my hours-old death note post made old death note posts of mine show up as recommended, so i went through some of them, and ended up back in 2011. so i scrolled for just a second. and saw my ex. and the post still linked to his account. i thought, surely he's not using the same account. surely he's not active. i clicked. he is. last reblog 2 weeks ago. i checked JUST to make sure he didn't follow me and he doesn't. that would've been fucking WILD. but it is 5:30am and i need to go to bed before i do anything i'll definitely regret.

the girl he basically left me for (over ten years ago lmao) uuuuh died last year. they'd been broken up for a while i'm pretty sure so. but. i did consider reaching out, idk, to give my condolences? but i never did because that would be fucking weird. i also haven't spoken to him since 2013.

he really, really hurt me. he was kind of a terrible boyfriend. i'm currently the happiest i have ever been with the best fiance in the fucking universe of 9.5 years. so it's DEFINITELY not that. but. we were friends first. and there's a tiny, TINY, minuscule part of me that STILL misses that. he's a big reason why i am the way i am today, in both good and bad ways. and it would be weird to reach out regardless. it would be weird and bad. but every once in a while i'll think about it. it'll come up in my head. and this is the closest i've ever gotten to doing it, physically, i mean. like, i'd have to unblock him on fb and who knows if he blocked me back, or even checks messenger. but i actually went to his blog and he's still there.

i'm not gonna do it. i may never do it. i'm ESPECIALLY not gonna do it at 5:30am. but. i think about it. i've actually dreamt about it. we ran into each other at a restaurant and i pretended to need to take a call to meet him outside. i told him my new name and that was the extent of the dream. i remember feeling angry in it though lol. maybe i was going to tell him off. idk.

a big reason for me not doing it (other than it being a terrible fucking idea) is holy shit i can only IMAGINE what all my friends' reactions would be if i told them we reconnected. they're be like BITCH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU OOOONNNN WHAT ARE YOU DOIIIING so i'm like. not gonna do it lol

[fainthedcherry]

HAPPY TURTLE TUESDAYYY TMNT FANDOMMM!!!! I have a treat for y'all artists who love to make TMNT OCs!!! If you love the 2012 era, you're gonna love this one too!!!

A FREE TO USE TMNT DARK HORIZONS FLASH GAME CHARACTER SELECT TEMPLATE, MADE FROM THE ACTUAL GAME SPRITES!!! (Scroll below for the Google Drive of the files, credits first to the artist though sorry! :D)

(ft also the fancy animation particles for when you get to this menu, for those who wanna add it too! (( the GIF is the raw version, without the effect settings/scripts added in Flash tho.)))

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND!! I DID NOT CREATE THESE ASSETS, NOR HAVE I DRAWN THEM

(I am an artist posting this, who has replicated the game's art as a fan, so I want to disclose clearly, that these are NOT MY WORKS HERE.)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give all the credit to the SENIOR ART DIRECTOR working on this Flash game, Damian Aliberti and his team of artists from Quadramma (I could not find sources online that confirm who are said artists unfortunately, so I can only credit the art-director for now)!!!

He even made a page about this project, for his portfolio! Check it out, it's AWESOME!! (CLICK MEE / TAP MEEE)

^I didn't know they planned to bring this to mobile, so you can predict that I'm happy, that this game is still seemingly loved by the Italian studio that made it seemingly. x) (I can only assume they're Italian, due to the file-names, don't quote me on this though, barely any info exists on this Flash game as you can predict LOL)

GOOD NOW THAT YOU HOPEFULLY READ WHO MADE THE PRETTY ART: CLICK ME OR TAP ME FOR THE GOOGLE DRIVEE (drive provides the GIF, a PSD, SAI2, PNG and MDP file!! [the joys of owning several art programs, making this much more accessible to people :v])

btw, also like..Maybe not use this for commercial/profit purposes though, that'd be profiting off resources you didn't make, and that are copyrighted. I don't think that's legal. :"v

NO CREDIT REQUIRED. COMPLETELY F2U. I did not after all make the assets, nor will claim so. :V as I mentioned, I extracted these from the actual game, which is why these are all so crisp and nice looking, instead of me using a snipping tool like 2 yrs ago for my fun challenge of recreating the game's artstyle LOL

I do NOT claim these assets or the art I've extracted as my own, this is all purely from the game, and very obviously, these are I guess, owned by Nickelodeon, so I ask you ofc do not...Do some legally questionable things w/ this stuff sdfklsd, pls behave fans, I'd rather not get reported for something I didn't do for providing this to the internet. xD

--

Whilst credit would be nice, and linking back to this would be even nicer for other fans who might just like me,, wanna replicate this cool game's aesthetic sdfskldglk, it's optional, completely LOL. It did only take like 2 hrs to piece this stuff together, to look like a real screenshot thank god. xD

FEEL FREE TO SHOW ME IF YOU ALSO DRAW IN THE GAME'S STYLE OR WANNA BANTER ABOUT TMNT OCS OROROR YKNOW USED THE THING AND WANT ME TO SEE ITTTT I GLADLY STARE AT TMNT POSTS NO MATTER WHAT ERAAAAA~

I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO APPRECIATE THIS GAME'S ARTSTYLE NGL. THAT'S ALL I WANT. And if more ppl also would wanna draw in it it'd make me so happy. I am like...The most acoustic TMNT fan out there man, I have the weirdest wishes in mind xD

Hope anyone wants this orrr like needs it orr dreamt of doing this too orrrr just never thought about doing it, but now that a free template is out there, someone might also wanna do it!! I love whenever like- fandom templates and stuff is made. I plan to maybe make this a Toyhou.se code too, since I do have the raw files of the games and could try to see if I can replicate the animations and stuff and make it non-premium and premium!

(Maybe I should make fandom codes more often in general tho at the topic of that, did it before for Terraria and helped out w/ a Monster High code, to give it a mobile compatible version LMAO)

If anyone or me figures out the artists behind the sprites, I'd gladly show them too, bc GORGEOUS GAME MAN!!!! THEY DESERVE ANY PRAISE THEY GET FOR THE ART AND THE GAME ITSELF ANSAHSHAJS, here I go again I swear, I'm done yapping now. I should participate in internet olympics when it comes to writing essays in every post I ever made. xD

[shinshoyu]

this song is so kenshi core and i have an entire essay explaining why but essentially i feel like it's representative of his time in the yakuza (more analysis under cut)

the song title そのまんまそのまんま、そのままずっとそまま translates as "as it is, as it is, without change." to me, this is probably how he felt following orders: day in, day out, it's all the same, without change.

the verses all follow the same pattern:

as it is, as it is, without change

it's always been the same, so let's go back to sleep

have a good night, have a good night, have a good night

now please rest peacefully*

*this part of the verses change with each verse. they're usually subtle parts of a day (i'm tired now, there's a ramune salad waiting for me, i have school tomorrow). every time this verse repeats, it's a new day, a new night, but it's all the same, except for such minute differences that it barely matters.

there are two bridges in the song, and to me it sounds like a maddening cycle-- and really, i'm only calling them "a bridge" because they're the only part of the song that doesn't follow the verse structure. i'm not sure if that means what i'm calling the verses are choruses, or if what im calling the bridges are choruses, and i don't care. i'm just using these words to describe them.

the bridges give a bit more story to the song, a break from the maddening cycle of day in, day out, as it is, as it is, without change.

bridge 1:

"The way home is disappearing

School's already out for the day

Ahh, I've got to get back quickly now

There's a Ramune salad waiting for me

I don't think I know anything

Being run over by flounder and sea breams

Stuffed into a tortoise shell

And once again it's timе to go back to school"

again, this song represents a cycle without change. the first bridge feels like the fall of his sanity; working for the yakuza, day in, day out, without change has to take a toll on your psyche. the lyrics "the way home is disappearing", "i don't think i know anything", and "and once again, it's time to go back to school" strike a particular chord in this chorus. kenshi likely doesn't have a sense of self working with the yakuza, all he knows is his life of bloodshed. i interpret the "way home" as his family, the taira clan, and how deeply rooted they are within the yakuza. on top of that, all of the lines that relate to "going back to school" i'm interpreting as going back to work and working and working and working.

bridge 2:

"I've been dreaming about it for so long

Your voice is the only one I can hear

The road in my head is rotten and decayed

And I still hear you talking to me"

now, i don't know a super whole ton about kenshi's backstory, and i'm basing most everything i know on MK1 and bits and pieces i've read about him. in my mind, this verse applies to someone who made him want out. there had to have been a moment, or person, that made kenshi snap and want to leave the yakuza and free his clan. maybe he fell in love, or maybe he took an innocent life and it weighed heavier on his conscious, something like that.

sure, he's likely dreamt of freedom before, but being born into a criminal empire doesn't normally constitute a rebellion. something happens that makes you think and question your loyalties. i think this was a person, maybe someone he cared about or someone he killed, but i think that was what finally inspired him to leave. maybe the voice talking to him is his conscious! either way, i think this is his breaking point

after this verse, the song starts to repeat the day in, day out mantra again. as it is, as it is, without change. at this point though, the rest of the sound and music is very chaotic. to me, this could apply to internal turmoil- the background, the sounds, they're chaotic, uncoordinated, emotional, but on the outside, everything is fine, the words repeat and stay the same. inside, turmoil, outside, calm. he's keeping up appearances as he plans his escape.

again, most of this post is about my limited knowledge of his character from mk1! that's the only game i've played so far, but i think the new timeline probably gives me a bit of leeway here LMAOOO

this post is very all over the place and i apologize because my thoughts are very much not organized. this is just an info dump abt a song i love and a character i love. ok love u bye

[skoff-the-artist]

Hi :)

Since it's New Year, I wanted to share my story with you. This post is pretty personal to me. Just beware. It's heavy. I will be telling you some important stuff in the end tho :)

TW for everything (I tried to avoid graphic details but my life is graphic, so) but this is a story with a happy ending!

2022 was rough. My English knowledge wouldn't be enough to describe how rough it was. This year started off..not good. I was depressed and tired after a really heavy December of 2021 during which I was preparing for the finals and supporting my grandma while my mom was in the hospital (she was suspected of having cancer but everything ended well).

The only hope I had was for the spring to come and sun to shine and let me enjoy things. I dreamt of green, of blue, of warmth of the future and it was the only thing that got me through January and almost the entirety of February.

Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but I'm Ukrainian. So the happy 2022 spring never happened. I live in the eastern region, 40km from the border with russia. 24.02.2022 I woke up at 5AM from the explosions that have shaken the glass in my windows. My mom told me "Pack up your things, the war has started". Good thing I prepared everything few days before. It wasn't shocking. I just accepted it as the logical continuation of all the shit I've been through.

We moved downtown to grandma's flat from the outskirts where we lived. First night I slept in the cold underground train with many people just like me. Scared. Artillery shelling didn't stop. I moved to live with my friend's family few blocks away from my grandma's flat, where my mom stayed. Our city was getting destroyed. We've seen it, heard it, felt it. The ground shook nonstop. It was terrifying. It was dark at night: light in houses wasn't allowed so the enemy bombers won't see the city from the sky. They saw. We heard bombs fall on us every night. We couldn't sleep, so we slept 1-2 hours between shellings during the day. On the floor, of course, so the glass from the windows won't hurt us if it was to blow up from the blast wave.

We (me and two of my best friends) quickly accepted our deaths, so we made jokes all the time. We were laughing hysterically when the bombers flew over the house bc "what, you have no hobbies? Fly away and dо something, bitch!". When it was artillery, we covered our ears up and sang, laying face down on the floor. I turned the music on my phone up. We hoped that if someone has to die today, it wouldn't be us.

Dozens of civilians died daily. In their own houses, in their beds, under the rubble.

My grandma died of stress on March 1. Our small family became even smaller. I felt numb. Me and my mom fled to another city on March 4. Two of my friends stayed in our hometown and third one fled to Poland.

It was snowing when we left.

And so the spring began.

I can't remember much from that time. In the new city it was.. quiet. Bright at night. Peaceful (almost, as there still were some rocket hits during my half year stay). I didn't feel like I belonged. Kids were laughing on the streets, grocery shops were full with food. And there was I. Alone. It didn't felt like my soul was in pieces, it felt like it was dust.

I read news. Seen horrific photos of familiar buildings turned to some stone and dirt overnight. It was so so painful. It changed me as a person, really. I didn't notice passing of time, just existed from day to day. Tried to keep up with school, did some assignments on autopilot. I didn't even cry.

And I still had to finish school and go to university.

Somewhere around April, when I started to catch up on life again, I got back into Transformers. Now I had plenty of time to watch, read, draw and think so I did just that. And it brought me comfort. During May I finished reading Lost Light, created my first Tumblr blog, graduated in fcking Zoom celebrated my 17th birthday. I allowed myself some hope. As funny as it sounds, Transformers healed me in a way! I heavily associate myself with the characters, who had to go through war, who saw their home getting destroyed but still value morals and their friends. Summer was calm, although my hometown suffered from shellings everyday. When attacks stopped for a bit, I visited my home twice. During my first visit I met my friends and went to school to greet my teachers while my mom collected some stuff from our flat. During my second visit I cried in my own room for the first time in months and nearly died an hour later when our bus got under the shelling but despite this I was happy because it still was MY city, familiar views and familiar people.

Back into our temporary flat in another city, I often went to feed the seagulls on the cost of the river Dnipro. I stargazed at night, looking for constellations. I found peace in those little moments. I also drew A LOT. And loved every second of it. Really helps to get that heaviness of your chest. You helped me, too. Your support of my work surprised me! Many people were interested in my AU, it was unexpected, but quite nice :)

And during the summer I learned how to genuinely smile again. I lacked one thing – my home.

I got accepted into the academy's of arts and design! I found two new friends! In September our troops cleared the area around my city, so the artillery shellings stopped entirely. And closer to the October I MOVED BACK BABY. It was my own choice and I don't regret it. My mom supported me, saying that life can't be put on hold, and if you have to be at home in order to live, then so be it.

I CAN FINALLY REST ON MY OWN BED, SIT IN MY OWN CHAIR, LOOK OUT OF MY WINDOWS (one of which was broken bc our apartment building got hit twice during shellings) AND MEET MY FRIENDS FREQUENTLY. And, what's important, I still can draw. I'm so grateful for this.

Learning process started. I am constantly tired, not of drawing but of the quantity of the assignments I have to finish. My sleep schedule got fucked up really bad. I suffer from PTSD, I'm scared of loud noises, I developed a deep hatred inside of me during this year, my life is one huge reminder of what I have to live through daily, missile strikes never stopped, and because of that we often have no electricity nor water, I wake up from distant explosions at least once a week, war still rages just around the corner.

But.

I'm a fighter, bitch!

And IDC. My city is actively getting rebuilt, shops reopen, public transportation works as good as ever, streets are clean. I still enjoy things, laugh, meet my friends, colour my hair (I'm a redhead rn!), sleep with plushies, listen to music, read comics, think about something new I could draw and post, go outside, cry reading optiratch fanfiction, do my nails and LIVE. Maybe I'm not as happy as I could be but I'm still here, with you. I'm alive.

Transformers grew close to me because there's so much I have to tell you through the characters that I love. I understand them and I feel like they could understand me if they were real. And if you understand them that means you can understand me, too! I value it over anything else.

Before 2023 starts I want you to know. Not everything means to be restored. But if something is to be restored, it will be. Wounds heal. There always will be people who'd understand you and love you for who you are. Bad things will end eventually, even longest wars always ended. Value everything you have, every breath is precious, every quiet night is priceless. Look at the night sky more often. Unite with others, spend time with your family and friends. Keep living!

As you reading this, I'm celebrating New Year with my friends.

Google "Kharkiv", it's a beautiful place.

[lady-z-writes]

Just going through notes on my phone and found some Commander Lawrence x OC stuff I planned to make into a fic but chose not to.

So here's some little pieces I'm actually not hating. Some spicy, some sad. Very niche post. And one, big trigger warning...

Tw: miscarriage.

We've both experienced loss, we know this. He's spent countless nights drunk with me, watching in silence as I let the fire dance in front of my face, swallow down tears.

It takes him four days to ask, but I feel enough gratitude toward his kindness, I at least owe him this.

"This is my first post since I had a miscarriage."

His eyes flick toward me, mouth a hard line, but I see a spark of understanding in his expression. The empty bedroom upstairs for his wife, the news Aunt Lydia told me before my post: Eleanor passed three months ago. He's lost, too.

"I see."

Is there...anger I see? Does he think I'm not fit to carry a child; that I can't?

I finish my drink; stare at him until he turns to me.

"Quite a loss, heavy - especially given these circumstances." He swallows a mouthful of his drink. "My assumption is they've assured you you're fit to try again, as they say?"

I nod solemnly, look in my lap. So it's like that, then. Maybe he isn't much different than the other Commanders.

"...do you want to?" There's no urgency in his voice - no demand, no force. Simply a question, as if this loss happened at a time before Gilead.

"Yes," I find myself saying, partly because it's true, partly because it's expected.

He nods then, tries reading my expression, then stands.

I hold my breath, count to five. He's before me now, fingers slipping between my knees for the empty glass I'm holding there. I let it go, exhale.

"You're younger than my last handmaid."

We aren't supposed to talk about her; I know this.

"Yes."

"You buy into all this or are you a rebel too?"

I open my mouth to speak, almost forgetting myself.

He raises his eyebrows at me, returns with my drink, hovers before me.

"The place isn't bugged - you can speak candidly here."

I reach for the glass - something to do with my hands, but he pulls it back, lowers his chin at me.

"I wanted to be a mother...before."

He hands over my glass now, sits beside me, knee-to-knee.

"And now?"

Tears form, tears I've swallowed back for months- aunt Lydia only allowed so long to mourn before she forced me into a doctor's office and made them confirm that I was ripe to try again.

I nod, shakily lift my drink to my mouth and swallow again.

He hangs his head for a moment, sighs. "Even in all this?" His voice isn't judgemental though, curious.

"A girl can dream," I almost laugh, slide the stupid hat from my hair.

This catches his attention and he's almost transfixed by it as I move to unclasp the pins to let it down.

"May i?"

"You never have to ask," He speaks it so softly, I almost think I've imagined it.

My fingers glide through it, tussling it gently so it falls in messy waves over my shoulders.

"And what do you dream about?" he asks in a voice that's almost whispered, almost half-asleep though his wide eyes meet mine.

"Finding a nice Commander. Getting out of this place," I scrunch up my nose, "bringing our child with us."

"Canada?"

I shrug, "anywhere but here."

"But I haven't dreamt of those things in quite a while," I wave off, then add, "and then i met you."

He coughs, pulls his hands closer to his body, settles his fingers around his drink so they're not creeping toward my hair.

"Beg pardon?"

I shrug. "I feel safe here, with you. I can rest easily. I can dream," I clarify.

"Ah," he huffs. "I don't dream anymore. Just nightmares."

My hand finds his forearm when he goes to take a final gulp of his glass. He halts, stares. This is the first time we've touched.

My fingers interlock with his and we simply sit, my fingers rubbing over his knuckles.

"Did you come in talking like this at your last placement?"

I laugh loudly. "That's hilarious."

"I thought so, too." He shoots me a soft smile.

"Why aren't you...like the others?"

"Do you want me to be?"

"No."

"Good. Because fuck that."

It's still a little jarring, hearing him speak so candidly.

"My...wife...and I..." He pauses. "She wouldn't like me behaving any differently to you girls...and...it would be an insult to her memory."

How did I get so lucky?

That night, I pray for the first time in three months. I pray for the Commander, I pray for his wife, I pray for my lost child, and I pray for myself.

The night is filled with dreams, memories returning of Commander Hillebrand and Mrs. Hillebrand's anger when I lost the baby. Reliving. If I'm not dreaming of a future, I'm reliving.

•••

My eyes shoot open and I launch to sit up in my bed.

"You were screaming," Commander Lawrence's voice hums through the darkness and I suddenly feel the weight of him on the edge of the bed. "So much for those dreams, huh?" A dry laugh.

He's about to stand but the thought of being alone in this room, my memories plaguing me...

"Will you...stay?" It's barely a whisper and I can see the shock even through the darkness.

"...yes."

And, to his credit, he does. Though, I can't sleep. He rests in the armchair beside my bed, dozes a time or two before realizing that I'm not sleeping, but staring at the doorway.

He clears his throat, stretches.

"No one's gonna come in here, you know. It's my house."

"Nothing is ours," I speak grimly. "Not here. Not even for you."

"Sheesh, you wake up so cheery."

"How can they do it?" At my question, he silences. "How can they just believe that a child is theirs, disregard our worth, force us to walk away after the feedings are done?"

It takes a long time but his response comes like a whip, "you're just a vessel to them."

"It was my baby. Mine. She had no right to mourn."

"Did they kick you out after that happened?"

I nod quietly. "As if it were my fault. They assumed it would happen again, didn't want to take a chance."

"They cast you out as infertile." He hums.

"They treated me like a murderer."

It surprises me he wanted me here.

•••

I sip my coffee, hum at the warmth, close my eyes and focus on the taste swirling around on my tongue.

When I open them back up, Lawrence is smirking at me and I shoot him an inquisitive look.

He shakes his head, lifts his own mug, "I just enjoy you enjoying things."

We both know that it's been a long 5 years without. Lawrence lived a pretty cushy existence considering, but as a handmaid I'm not granted such luxuries.

I'm again reminded of how we would look to a passerby in a world before this one - this older man and a 30-something me. But he's comfort to me. Lawrence and I can exchange a glance and understand exactly what the other is thinking. It comes with the territory of being constantly monitored in Gilead.

I can still remember laying in the Commanders bed for the first time; soft sheets, sunbeams trying to come through the closed curtains, the weight of him beside me, the dip of the bed.

When I turned to him, he'd been staring; arm propping his head up, fingers hovering above my shoulder. He looked like he'd been caught, the fear in his eyes was enough to make me almost laugh. How did I get to a point to make a Commander fearful? Wonders never cease.

I lean into his warmth, kiss his open palm, almost permission to touch me.

This is strange territory for the both of us. He, not having taken a lover since his wife, not performing a ceremony with any handmaid other than June because they were forced to. And me, not being given pleasure in 5 years.This bed is not meant for this.

He hardly ever sleeps here, I've noticed. It's either in the study or crashed on the couch.

"We're in some serious trouble," his groggy voice groaned with a soft laugh punctuating the sentence.

"Is this...going to be the last time?" I managed to whisper the question that'd been on my mind all night.

He looked haunted then.

"I'm not sure," he hums then adds, "I hope not." And I'm comforted by this.

After so long of being used sexually, steeling myself, locking this part of myself away, actually being touched because I've wanted it is such an addiction now. Thinking about only having this feeling once fills me with grief.

"You don't think Amara will talk, do you?" He knows her better than I do, but I can tell he needs this reassurance so I shake my head; his Martha shouldn't.

"You picked me," I whisper. "Why?"

He laughs without humor. "You're gonna hate me."

"No, I won't."

He sits up now, stops touching me, breaking that contact, I'm guessing, before he thinks I will eventually.

"You were a counselor. And...I lost my wife..."

I smile softly at that sentiment. "You wanted healing."

There are tears now.

"I wanted forgiveness. I wanted someone to look at me without judgement...what is that called? The term evades me..."

"-unconditional positive regard."

"I guess I was just planning on using you for something else entirely. It's not much better than the other Commanders."

I reach for him then, pull him down against my chest. "I'm grateful for you, Lawrence. It's a blessing to be here."

The tears are dripping down my naked chest, he's gasping and breaking down in sobs.

His facial hair tingles against my skin but I don't pull away, I run my fingers through his hair and give him time.

•••

I'm needy again and he's....loving it. The cocky smirk on his face when I meet him in the study is so overwhelming to me I have to hold onto the doorframe.

"Close it," he instructs. I follow orders.

But now I want to call the shots. I stride over to him, holding my dress up over my knees, padding barefoot to the desk.

"Can I help you?" He speaks evenly. I bite my lip, round the desk, wait for him to invite me to sit. He does. I hoist myself on the desk. He blinks slowly when I place my feet on the armrests of his chair.

I see him looking, though he's trying not to. I'm panty-less, exposed, shivering but not from the cold.

"Is this what you want?" His tongue darts out of his mouth to lick his lower lip.

I nod, rest my hand on his shoulder, pull him toward me and then down.

He gets on his knees and my mind flashes to that red cushion - all the times I've knelt before a ceremony.

His hands are warm on my thighs as he traces up them, grips my knees to guide me closer to the edge. His head dips down and I feel his facial hair harsh against my skin, open-mouthed kisses against me, trailing closer and closer to my cunt.

And then he spreads me, presses a thumb to my clit, dances his tongue around my folds until I'm gripping at his hair.

I don't demand a change of pace - I'm chasing any and all pleasure at this point.

He eagerly slips a finger into me, arching just right and I let out a loud gasp.

He shushes me then, moving slow, reminding me that we could be caught.

I cover my mouth when he starts pumping into me, pressing harder on my clit.

I'm fluttering around his finger in no time and he seems pretty pleased with himself, based on his expression. He looks hungry, looks flustered.

His pants are tented when he stands and I groan inwardly. It'll be too long until it's safe for us to fuck in the bedroom. Unfortunately, I know all too well.

Only he's unzipping quickly, sliding his suspenders down. My mouth goes dry. I glance over my shoulder at the closed door.

"We'll be fine," he reassures, "you just can't be loud, my girl."

It's a haunting feeling - to be content once in a while in this world.

[skaruresonic]

That... That sounds insane for a dream. If I had that, I'd have panic-checked every single lolcows forum just to make sure my mind was making it up, before realizing that I dreamt that. I dunno how you felt about having it, but it sounds like a pretty insane thing your mind created.

It was a hybrid of realistic and strange. I knew it was a dream because it was saying the weirdest stuff, nothing to do with Sonic, though I wish I could remember it all because it sounded like whoever wrote it was vehemently opposed to our mere existence.

The only things I recall saliently are the "they forgive death threats and pal around with people who deliver them" bit and the word "wrong" being tossed around. Not "wrong" in a factual sense, "wrong" as in "morally wrong."

They made a huge deal out of invalidating my culture by saying that, because you guys sometimes like my Skarù·ręʔ posts, clearly that meant I was fooling you by making up a fake culture.

It... almost sounded like they were calling me wrong for not being 100% white American? Like they assumed I was white and that I should drop the act or something?

I think maybe my dream might have been my brain trying to process recent uncomfortable feelings I've been having about being in fandom spaces in general (not just Sonic).

[kyetalksshit]

dreams

i haven't been remembering my dreams lately but I have finally remembered my last two dreams!

last night I dreamt about Julien solomita lmao

i was sitting beside him but it was somebody who was actually my friend already but a guy (maybe it was Jeffrey lmfao I have no idea, I just don't have that many guy friends irl lol) but anyways he'd said something silly and I made a joke that was a reference to something Julien does, where he was like "when the ____ hits" and I did that and then did a shitty whip and made some music sound effects with my voice lol it was so dumb but he turned to me and was like I'M OBSESSED WITH THAT (or maybe he said you? idk he was like real shocked that I knew that joke and made it) and I turned to him and it turned out to literally be Julien solomita?????? and I went OMG I love your streams! (which is crazy bc I literally don't watch his streams almost ever, I mostly just watch his Aries kitchen and stuff like that, like his streams are so long and I never watch them unless I want something in the background or like if there are clips from one or something because he was doing something funny and then it got posted) and he was like what! I didn't know you watched my stuff! and i'm not sure if it was like he was always Julien and I didn't realize it was the same guy or what lol but at that point we both had been friends for awhile and I just accepted this as reality because it was a dream lmfao

so then I was just like hanging out at his house and I remember sitting on the edge of his bed or couch or something resting my chin on my knee and he was setting up his stream because he had to start it soon, and I remember eating a Reese's? and we then made food and were eating and I kept feeling awkward and unsure if I should leave, like was I overstaying my welcome???? but then he actually started streaming a little later and he was just playing a game but I was in the background, I don't think on camera or anything like that but playing a game on my switch or phone or something and I was just chiming in and joking with him so I was on stream via my voice lol.

at one point we were making dinner together and I told him "i don't mean this in a literal way, like I'm not comparing you to a literal god but you have Loki energy" and I then proceeded to, in great detail, explain to Julien solomita who Loki is and what he represents and my relationship with him and why he reminds me of Loki. I remember this being strangely more vivid than anything else and he was listening super intently and asking me lots of questions.

I sadly never saw Jenna marbles or their dogs or anything, it was just the two of us (and I think at one point my sister was there or something? or one of my friends I'm not totally sure lol they showed up for food and left after dinner and before the stream. but yeah lol I was just vibing on the stream w him and at some point I woke up.

AND THE NIGHT BEFORE THIS ONE

was also super vivid and strange lol. I remember in the dream going hang on a minute why haven't I just tried looking at repo lots around me to find my repossessed Yaris that still has my stuff in it? (which is true irl but it's been over 2, 2.5 months or so? so i've given up on ever seeing my stuff again) so in the dream I was googling repo lots, and it pulled one up successfully but looking through their site I didn't see anything, and then I remember trying to Google it again but it kept messing up or random extra words were showing up (and I COULD READ THEM which is crazy bc you usually can't in dreams, but that's how I knew it was messing up) but after I struggled with it awhile I finally got it to search repo lots again and I found one with one picture (maybe? not sure) that suggested MAYBE the Yaris would be there so I like fast traveled there lol and was wandering the lot at night with the old car key that I still have (dream and irl too lol) and I saw the Yaris, so I straight up just unlocked it and sat down in it. I told her (the car) I missed her and then I got my stuff out of it and spent so long cataloging all the things that were in there, some of which i'd forgotten about. I can no longer remember if that was accurate or not though lol. but that was the whole dream, I woke up after I had all of my stuff.

Anyways that's all lol I was just excited to finally have dreams to log again so here u go

[digiludus]

3/7/23

I am thirty years old, things are different yet somehow not nearly as different as I look back on the previous post.

I had completely forgotten about this blog. I've been playing with AI image generation lately, trying to smash images into the most obscene, grotesque creations possible. Something about the use of artificial intelligence and prompting it with images of video game monsters and graphics to create otherworldly creatures (almost demonic in nature) feels appropriate. I've thought about why I started doing this in the first place, the inclination to create these abominations. Maybe the idea of an amalgam of collected images via AI, the presence, this entity, and fusing it with my subconscious through careful curation makes me feel connected to something outside of the realm of reality.

Technically speaking, Midjourney, my AI of choice, can be explained rationally, can be broken down to its parts (maybe unlike God), but the way I interface with it is so abstracted, so digital. The motions feel so ritualistic, almost like casting spells.

I started seeing a wonderful girl. She's so kind and gentle yet has this scrappy attitude about her. The more I hang out with her, the more I see myself falling into this idea that I...

I was closely examining her today as she spoke, after she helped me with my approaching panic attack. We talked about a fear of mine (a concern we both had) and the way she sat there with her thoughts, carefully choosing her words confirmed why I chose to tell her that I liked her in the first place.

For months I had wrestled with the idea of asking her if she wanted to date me. I meditated on it, i dreamt about her. The moments we found ourselves alone, able to share thoughts I caught glimpses of who she was and I so much wanted to have the opportunity to continue talking to her.

But I noticed there were times when she seemed to ignore me, I sensed that she didn't want to be as close to me as maybe how she was others... I don't know what propelled me to eventually still share my feelings.

Things didn't work out initially, it was a roller coaster of emotions. She was faced with her experiences and she had to be very careful with how she wanted to continue after the day I told her... It's a long story and one I've been documenting in a digital journal.

The wait, that journey in our respective heads, however difficult and tumultuous it was for the both of us... I would go through it all over again for her. I mean that.

I realized how beautiful it is to wait, to be gentle to yourself, be kind and caring about the other person without the expectation of reciprocation, without the idea of an idealized outcome. It makes it so much more astounding to watch her think, glance out the window, hold her hands pondering in thought on how to answer during a difficult conversation. It made me realize how beautiful it is to be transparent with another human. I feel a bit numb, or is it because I have so much clarity on how I view her? Is this a feeling of peace ? No longer a storm within me? How would I know? It's new to me, the feelings of rushing things aren't there (maybe only to tell her how much I deeply feel about her), I just cherish this moment.

The dream I had of her... it was almost unbelievable now that I look back on it. I remember embracing her, this embrace so warm. I woke up and laid there looking at the ceiling and I knew that I truly could handle whatever was about to happen because I cared about her.

She shared something she saw (a vision?) when she was high and listening to a song. Thinking about it, in the moment I was incredulous but knowing more about her now, how amazing.

She explained that she entered a room, perhaps a ballroom and there she saw tons of people that had been there throughout her life watching her, smiling. But standing there, more prominent than the others was me, smiling back at her. She said this happened before she realized that I had feelings for her, that she had feelings for me.

How did this happen? How did this connection, this subconscious attraction to be together happen. *I was about to write something but no, I wholeheartedly accept what is happening. I want to accept something beautiful in my life.*

God is still important in my life. I've gotten close to a couple, both wonderful friends who as of writing this are, along with myself, participating in Lent.

I gave up alcohol last year as well as this year. But I also have been trying to give up cigarettes and burning myself. I failed once on last two already but what's wonderful, I'm not giving up. I can see myself grow, I am witnessing myself mature, witnessing myself grow old but also witnessing myself become a person I wish to become. I want to be there for H, I want to be there for my friends, I want to be there for my mom. I am happy, despite what's going on right now with work, for once in my life, I feel a sense of happiness, I feel some semblance of peace.

Thanks be to God. Amen.

[nik-jr-musings]

I bought into it. The purity talk at church, the lectures from my mother, the scare tactics on media like 16 and Pregnant. I've been thoroughly convinced my whole life that I would wait until marriage. Gossip about pregnant teenage girls in town would pass from nosy mothers' mouths to their innocent children's and it quickly tainted our entire view of women. But we grew up soon enough, and now it's not declaring someone a "slut" or "whore," but instead silently pursing our lips and muttering "well it's not a choice I would make" as soon as their back is turned.

My parents' 26-year anniversary was yesterday. I saw a post my mom made online with photos of their wedding. I cried when I saw them. My mothers' pregnant belly under her poofy skirt made my skin crawl. How could you?

I remember a year ago my church did a seminar on purity. Women I talked to on a daily basis shared their opinions about how it was demoralizing to be intimate with a man before marriage, how they felt objectified. I teared up when one of my closest friends shared that she had never felt so guilty in her life than after she made out with her boyfriend in a hammock. I remember her saying, "what good is this doing either of us? Nothing." We prayed for women who engaged in hookup culture or lived with their partners unmarried. I thought of my sister and cried when I went home.

I started seeing my partner when I was a sophomore in college. I remember our first kiss on his dingy sofa. It was nearing midnight. I had wanted it for ages, had dreamt of it for months. Being 19 and unkissed seemed beyond embarrassing, yet I was simultaneously proud of how long I had stuck it out. Even back then I had conflicting emotions about relationships. He asked me, I said yes, and then he leaned in. Out of instinct I flinched away. He asked me again if I wanted it, and I said "just do it. I'll stay still." I forced myself to sit perfectly still as he kissed me. I didn't move a muscle. He pulled away, and I read disappointment on his face.

My sister used to be depressed. I remember knocking on her door, asking for permission to enter, and opening the door to a pitch dark room. I remember sitting on her bed and having nothing to say. I remember when she told me she wished she were never born, that maybe if mom hadn't gotten pregnant they wouldn't be together and they would be happier. I remember the feeling of hot tears blurring my vision even in the darkness. I remember hating that my best friend felt like that. I never wanted to make anyone feel that way.

The first night I slept with him, I cried. It was a month after our first kiss. We laid together in the darkness, untouching, scared. I told him about my mom, about what my church taught me, about what I believed in. "But we're different," I said, "we have self control and can sleep in the same bed without being tempted." He asked me, "but does it bother you that, to some people, what we're doing is sinning?" I turned my back on him as tears rolled down my face. I considered getting down on the floor to sleep but ultimately stayed.

It was during the lowest time of my life that I learned everything the church believed about sex. The options were clear: either break up with him or succumb to your vocation of motherhood. Sex was not to be used for means other than to conceive a child. I have never wanted to be a mother. Never. I visited my priest to get advice, and he said "but I think you'd be a great mom!" It's not about that, though. It's not about me. A child deserves to be wanted.

I think of him when I touch myself. I imagine what we would do together. But we don't touch when he's here. I flinch away when he tells me my shorts look good on me. Are you objectifying me? But this is right. This is ordered. We mustn't touch each other now; that's for marriage. But I'm afraid I won't want to have sex once we're married. I can't even kiss him anymore without guilt seemingly eating me alive. You're objectifying him. He's objectifying you. It isn't love if you look at each other that way, touch each other that way. Fuck, I'm so afraid of being like those teenagers from my hometown, like my mom. I have to be better, strive for perfection. I need to be patient and happy to wait yet eager to touch him, undress him, fuck him the instant a ring is on my finger.

I don't know what to believe anymore. My mother is a hypocrite, my church friends are hornier than I am which leads them to getting married before 23, and people continue to tell all women that they would make lovely mothers. It's a big mess, and I have no clue where to stand amongst the rubble. I do know I like to sleep next to him, but I also know that I am terrified of sex. Perhaps, then, they all got what they wanted. No premarital sex, congratulations! The only sacrifice was me and my ability to be perceived physically by my partner. But that's just some shit you can sweep under the rug, right? I mean, it's nothing as blatantly obvious and offensive as a teenage pregnancy!

12/1/2022

[whumpshaped]

trigger warnings: captivity, pet whump, humiliation, dehumanization, begging, crying, meta setting, conditioning

"How many times did you check my blog on the daily?" Seth asked randomly one time he was down in the basement, and Pumpkin seemed to hesitate before giving their answer.

"W-Well, uh... As many times as S-Sir posted... probably more, t-to make sure I haven't missed anything... or to reread drabbles..."

"Had any favourites?"

"Yeah! Of course, there were ones that were so stuck in my head that I k-kept dreaming about them... All the ones with, uh, with begging and... and... captivity..." They trailed off, suddenly feeling awkward about sharing those preferences from inside a cage.

"No, don't stop. I want to hear it. Favourite tropes, ones that made you want to become my whumpee. Ones you dreamt about." He unlocked the cage and opened the door before sitting down in the chair next to it, beckoning Pumpkin over. "I'm curious."

Pumpkin took a few seconds to start crawling out of the prison that simultaneously and ironically also became their safe place, both excited and terrified of a chat like this out in the open, where Seth could do whatever he wanted to them. There weren't any bars to separate the two of them now, and they found themself settling on their knees out of arm's reach. Was that rude? They didn't know.

"Do you... do you remember the drabble you wrote about the unruly pet, Sir? The one where they kept acting up even as they were being slapped around..."

Seth raised a brow, surprised that they would choose one of the handful of times he decided to write a defiant pet. "Yeah. The pet was slapped around until they admitted to doing it for attention, because their owner refused to touch them to the point that they were willing to draw out a punishment like that just to somehow get what they really wanted."

Pumpkin nodded, taking a deep breath before they continued. "And, and then their owner... they looked at that- that mess of a pet, that, that sobbing and pathetic mess of a pet... and they just laughed. They- they laughed and c-called them stupid, said they would beat them until they never wanted to b-be touched again..." They wiped at their rapidly watering eyes with the sleeve of their dirty sweater, sniffling quietly. "I used t-to read it constantly... It made me tear up every time, because I, I related to the pet so much, I was- I am so obsessed with you, Sir, I always thought I'd go to exactly these kind of lengths to get your attention... And I used to imagine that after the drabble ended, after their owner beat them bloody, they would still change their mind and hold their pet... That the pet would be able to cry in their lap afterwards..."

"Do you think their owner really held them?" Seth asked, prompting a sad little huff of a laugh from his pet as they shook their head.

"Only if they really managed to beat them until they d-didn't want to be touched... Then, then maybe..." They looked up at Seth, a helpless, desperate look on their face. "B-But can you beat such a stupid pet to that point? Can you- can you honestly beat the stupidity out of them? The clinginess?"

"I don't know. And I don't know what happened after the drabble ended." He chuckled, leaning back in his chair. "Do you want to find out? Do you want to know whether the pet ever managed to look cute enough that their owner took pity on them?"

Pumpkin felt the terror rising in their chest, making them choke up. They'd fantasized about this for so long. The fear the poor pet must've felt, and still, that urge to keep going and keep egging their owner on just to be touched until they couldn't handle it anymore. And then the inevitable hopelessness when they got told, already after what they'd thought was their breaking point, that the real punishment was just about to start.

"I want to know, Sir," they breathed, willing themself to crawl closer, within arm's reach. "Please, I've wondered this for s-so long."

[fallingsunflower]

I'm dreading tomorrow for so many reasons, I'll list them because maybe you, or someone reading this, might understand my mindset lol

I'm fearful that maybe the media has twisted this thing more than we're aware. Looking at the history of this drama, most of it came from Deuxmoi and Lipstick Alley anons, to which sites like Daily Mail copy and pasted. I know that not everything that has been rumoured is true—but a part of me is (who is a fierce Florence Pugh supporter btw) is like... "Oh f*ck. What if they *O & Flo* admit there has never been any bad blood between them and this whole thing was just rumours". Yesterday I wouldn't of dreamt writing that, but there's this unwelcome ball of anxiety festering inside of me today as the premiere approaches. That dreaded "what if..." (edit: nah, I don't feel that way after typing out this whole message. But I am gonna look like a clown because I've been so vocal about Flo being a victim lol)

Then again I am dreading seeing the 'happy-clappy' photos of them getting off of the water taxi's and doing a brief dock-side photocall before the press conference. I know that Florence isn't obligated to do any press (just show up at the premiere), but just the thought of her having to stand next to them, without someone in-between, is really sickly. The same goes for the premiere. I feel like a lot of O stans are going to use pictures of them being all smiles as "proof" they're not feuding.

Someone on twitter posted earlier today that Warner Brothers are just to blame as Olivia, and I can't unsee that tweet, although they didn't say it outright—Warner Brothers is using Florence's own contract against by forcing her to be there. They're forcing a victim to be with someone she clearly despises for the sake of greed and publicity. I actually hope she doesn't go and just pays a fine or something. If they sue her she has the receipts. However, Dune is owned by WB so I presume she'll most likely go to keep them in her good books for now. Maybe 10+ years down the line Ryan Murphy will create FEUD season 69 based on the drama 😂

This is more advice for anyone reading—please don't post photos of O and Flo together. While the photos are gonna be real, even red carpet instagram stories videos, them being friendly is not real, even if they say they are besties or whatever. Also, lesser known gossip websites steal pictures from tumblr. Don't post pictures that you think are gonna make negative headlines for Flo! (Please do with O lol, she needs her comeuppance)

I just... I don't know. I love Florence and the idea of her, right now, probably being anxious about tomorrow doesn't sit right with me. She's avoided this film for so long... That suddenly she's thrown into the deep end by a production company who sides with people like Ezra Miller and Olivia Wilde. She's kinda being taken advantage of publicity wise. THIS FEELS GROSS.

We'll see how it goes. I understand the anxiety but nothing that happens this weekend negates what has already happened:

Florence has BARELY posted about DWD. She promoted other films that weren't hers and she was the only cast member (besides Harry I think) to repost the DWD teaser trailer from an account other than Olivia's. She also spoke about how the film's promotion of sex has made her uncomfortable. She pulled out of press besides the red carpet event. She never responded to Olivia's gushy instagram post praising her.

Olivia was also caught in a major lie. Either Florence felt uncomfortable on set and Olivia didn't stick up for her OR Olivia created this whole narrative of her being a knight in shining armor (this last one happened regardless). Plus Olivia keeps marketing this movie as something sexual when Florence spoke up.

Regardless of how the media spins their "friendship", there's still evidence of some sort of quarrel between the two. They'll be professional this weekend but it doesn't mean shit in terms of what's going on behind the scenes/personally.

It does feel gross though, I agree with you. It's uncomfortable. People need to stop giving Olivia so much attention

[iturbide]

like tbh the biggest thing I want to see with edelgard? is her learning to trust people and being forced to build a foundation of openness and the ability to Ask For Help when she needs it. and re: the agarthans issue, she definitely needs it.

like especially too if there was ever the chance for her to speak with the other lords, I'd love to see a process around edelgard having to adjust and challenge herself and maybe even freak out a bit because she has to take these chances. I want to see byleth, whom shes probably attached to because theyre so.. neutral, outside of what shes been dealing with, be more forecful with facilitating her reaching out. I want to see dimitri taking a chance to talk to her, I want to see her be able to hesitantly discuss different aspects of her experiences with both him and claude but maybe find out some specifically with claude because he would understand them better and to see them connect over it. I want to see hubert, too, eventually have to come around and I want to see conflict because of that. hell, I feel like hubert having to reckon with edelgard's new course of action and all of those risks could be good grounds for like, having dedue pull him aside for A Talk because MAN do I think those two would actually have a lot to talk about.

this isn't even getting into the eventuality of ferdinand involving himself and by extension causing problems because he's direct and insensitive at times and he'll also have to learn a lesson from that, but anyway

sorry bout all these even more words here but i've been having some thoughts today

Please don't apologize for these words these are excellent words and I am very happy to have them in my inbox (and now on my blog) thank you for sharing these Thoughts I delight in and appreciate the

and also have we talked about the Pre-Timeskip Fix-It? Because Pre-Timeskip has A Lot of this (and some of it is actually written already in draft)

Like Byleth being forceful in facilitating Edelgard's early meetings with other Lords

Also Edelgard opening up a little to Claude and him going full conspiracy theorist and sharing with her

Or how about Edelgard actually apologizing to Byleth and Dimitri

in fact, since it looks like this hasn't gotten posted yet -- how about the lead-up to that apology?

“You still haven’t apologized?”

She did not flinch.  But she did let her gaze wander over his shoulder to a passing student, which might have been equally telling, judging from the way Claude groaned as he threw himself back in his chair.  “Edelgard!”

“What?” 

“Don’t you feel even the tiniest bit guilty about saying that?”

“Why should I?” she asked.  “I only tried to motivate them.”

“How was that supposed to motivate them?”

“It spurs me to think--”

“Princess, you’ve gotta stop putting other people in your shoes and try to put yourself in theirs.”

“...I don’t understand.” 

He sighed, vigorously mussing his own hair.  “Alright.  Okay, fine, let’s try a thought experiment.  Imagine for a minute that you’re an only child--”

“I’m not, I ha--”

“Imagine, I said.”

She huffed, crossing her arms and sitting back even as he leaned forward again.  “You’re an only child,” he continued, “and your mother died before you had a chance to know her.  For as long as you can remember, it’s just been you and your dad.”

That, at least, she could understand.  Her father had long been her inspiration, supporting her grand ambitions and motivating her to continue forward.  She had dreamt, sometimes, of a different life, a better life, where she might live peacefully with him…

“Growing up, you’re kind of isolated.  Your dad does a lot of work as a fighter for hire, and eventually you get pulled into it with him, but he handles all the business.  You don’t interact much with people besides him and maybe some of your fellow mercenaries, but you don’t mind.  Your dad takes care of you, and makes sure you have everything you need, and you don’t feel like you’re missing out on anything.”

She made a thoughtful sound, taking a sip of tea.  Claude seemed rather wistful, but she made no comment, simply listening to the words and trying to keep focus on the dream of herself and her father leading a happy life together, growing up under his kindness and care...

“Then, out of the blue, you get thrown into something you’re totally unequipped to deal with.  You’re expected to lead, when you’ve never been a leader, and expected to teach when you’ve only ever been the one learning.  Your dad is still there, though, and he helps how he can, but...you start to realize that he’s been keeping secrets -- and not just about himself.  You’d never even thought about it before, but you’re seeing a whole world you never knew existed, one that he lived in longer than you’ve been alive, that he could have talked about but never did.  And you don’t know why.”

She frowned, setting her cup back in its saucer.  Would her father keep such secrets from her?  Had he kept such secrets from her?  She’d been spirited away to Faerghus so quickly when the Insurrection occurred...and it had been by her uncle’s hand.  Had it been on her father’s orders…?

“You want answers -- of course you do, who wouldn’t, right? -- and he promises to tell you when there’s time for you both.  But then, when he gets back, just when it looks like things will become clearer, and you’ll be able to understand him better than you ever had before...he dies.  It’s not the end of a long battle with disease or injury.  It comes out of nowhere.  And suddenly the person you’ve had there your whole life, the person you depended on as a child, the person who took care of you then and who’s always been there for you until now, who helped ground and tether you even when things were at their worst...is gone.”

...she had long been preparing for her father’s death.  Though he was not truly old, she had watched him waste away in the years since the Insurrection ended, until he looked far older than his years.  He would not live much longer, and that fact pushed her even now to wrap up her preparations and set her plans in motion...but what if he had died before?  At the hands of the nobles that stole his authority, or as a result of the horrors they inflicted upon him and his family?  She would have continued on…

...but her heart stumbled at the thought of such a loss, borne on top of the torments she and her siblings suffered. 

“So tell me,” Claude said, breaking her out of her thoughts, “how would you handle it?”

She steeled herself, squaring her shoulders and lifting her head.  “I would hunt down the culprit and see them punished for what they did.”

“Right away?  When you’ve got nobody to turn to because there’s this gaping void in your life where they’d been?”

Edelgard had no answer to that. 

“Look.  I don’t doubt that when Teach gets back on their feet, Monica -- or whoever she really is -- is gonna pay.  But you can’t force them up when they’ve got no ground to stand on anymore.”