#<- got put in a bad mood because i lost all my progress

[itswhattheycallyou]

got unalived in roblox

[ask-the-clergy-bc]

Hey there, have you written about the current ghouls helping their s/o after they had a super bad day where everything seems to go wrong?

I had one of those days this week, bad test, laptop crashed with around 2h unsaved progress and then I broke my ankle and shoulder...

Oh man, I'm so sorry you had such an awful time. :( I hope these days have been treating you so much better! Hope these make you smiles. <3

Era V Ghouls Helping You Through a Crappy Day

Ember/Sodo: His kneejerk reaction to hearing you are having a bad day is to ask whose ass does he need to kick!! It was such a strong reaction that it made you laugh out of your mood for a few minutes. When you stopped and went down to being sad he had to ask what was wrong. Ember is the type of ghoul who lives out of sheer spite so he encourages you to do the same! Takes you to do something to let all of your steam out! Think about him giving you a baseball bat and saying, "c'mon!! We're gonna find something to break!!" ... and to your surprise its very cathartic you both kicking the shit out of an old sand bag.

Rain: He hates seeing you have a bad day. Will immediately pull you into a hug and get you some water after sitting you down. Rain is a normally a very quiet ghoul but he will shower you with love and comfort. He is also very into physical comfort, since it's what helps him through bad days. Rain will happily cuddle into you, wrap you in a blanket nest, or nuzzle into you while he plays with your hair. Often times, during bad days, you find yourself in his lap. Laying back as his claws gently rake across your scalp in the best way. You usually talk about the day and what happened as he listens and offers support. You also find he's REALLY good at helping you fix some things the next day, when you're ready to tackle something broken! Like if you broke your favorite mug, or lost paperwork.

Mountain: He always likes to ask what you need from him. This isn't to put the burden of comfort on you, but he does better when he knows exactly what you need. So if you just need some alone time, you got it. If you need to vent? He sits you both down somewhere comfy so you can talk and he can listen. Need some ice cream and to have a good cry? He will get you the spoon! Most of the time the best thing he can think to do is to get you in the nicest, feet off the floor, strong bear hug. Purring and nuzzling into you and giving you the most comforting hug he can manage. It's what he likes after some alone time to process his own bad days.

Swiss: Swiss can think of many ways to help calm you down, but he always has one big go-to method. Without a doubt, you know when you have a bad day Swiss will get your favorite food or snacks. Whether that's sneaking out with Papa's car to get you ice cream or calling in for Chinese take out, Swiss will get it for you! To him it is the ultimate way to calm you down and give you something nice to focus on. And then when you are both eating you can talk over your treat about what happened in the day. Swiss is very good at helping you verbally process your frustrations while keeping it nice and casual.

Sunshine: Have you ever seen videos of those crows who bring their favorite people nice things to make them happy? That is Sunshine. If you are sad they are on the case! Sunshine will gather anything from your favorite hoodie, snacks, blankets, movies, and any gift she finds that she knows you will love. Anything to make you smile again! You love that Sunshine goes out of their way to find anything that will work. They are also happy to just hug you and keep you warm while you relax. They will be a bit concerned if you don't bounce back eventually, so they will stick by your side. Sunshine just doesn't want you to be alone because you deserve comfort!

Cirrus: The keyboardist won't force you to talk about it if you don't want, but her main concern is making sure that you don't isolate too much. Cirrus is happy to give you space and time to be alone, mind you. She just doesn't want you to ever feel like you ARE alone on a deeper level. And sometimes bad days just make you feel like the universe is against you! Cirrus will periodically check on you until you're ready to come out on your own. Then she is happy if you two can just have a rant fest! Everything bad that happened to you that day? She will sit and agree with you and talk shit! It's very cathartic! Your supervisor scolded you for something you didn't do? Fuck that supervisor! Vending machine ate your last dollar? It's lucky she wasn't there to break it! Failed a test? Who cares, tests are stupid! It eventually always make you laugh and feel better!

Cumulus: Having a horrible day? If you like it, she's going to treat you to some amazing home spa pampering! Anything to help relax you and give you a wind down from all of the stress you had in the day. Cumulus is very good at massages so you'll definitely be getting one of those! Depending on what you like, she'll give you everything from a full body to just digging her thumbs in your shoulders in the best way to make you melt. Cumulus has also mastered face masks and home made scrubs. She's a very luxurious ghoul, so you know she has a jacuzzi tub in her bathroom. You'll both be in it with your favorite candy, drinks, and bubble bath. Anything to make you comfortable enough to get all the tension out of you while you vent about your day.

Aether: The guitarist knew something was wrong when you came home looking ready to either cry or burst out of sheer frustration. Maybe you were about to do both! His first act is to sit you down and let you vent out all of your frustrations. Tell him exactly what happened, he's all ears. He always believes taking it easy and being nice to yourself is the best way to calm down from a horrible day. Once you get everything off your chest he takes you to relax with him. Cuddles, lots of blankets, something quiet like a good movie. Aether likes to hold you and purr, letting the vibrations help.

[duckymcdoorknob]

Hello lovely Ducky! I was wondering if I could get an emergency request? I’m going through a lot and am struggling with bad seasonal depression. Recently, I’ve really needed encouragement and some sort of hope, but instead of it, I lost a friendship. It was kind of a huge blow to my mental health. No pressure ofc, I know it’s exam season right now and you’ve got your own life, so don’t feel pressured and don’t rush! thank you in advance and ily I hope you’re having an amazing day!! make sure ur drinking water!!

Heya, Kross!

This took 4000 years, so I hope it’s not too late!!!

I hope you’re feeling better :(

I will personally fight your friend, don’t even worry.

I hope this provides you some kind of comfort! If not, feel free to request again!

CW BELOW THE CUT: reader is depress3d, reader has lost hope.

𝐼𝑧𝑢𝑘𝑢 𝑀𝑖𝑑𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑦𝑎

Exam season at U.A was never an easy time of the year. Multiple tests, multiple classes of work to still turn in, and atop of all else, this time of year is when things started to weigh heavier on you.

You try your best to make it through the day, but it never seems to be enough for those close to you.

Although you explicitly have stated that this time of the year is hard for you, your friends swear that you’re avoiding them on purpose.

Overtime, you got used to it. But this year was different.

While you were studying for your heroics exam, a text buzzed on your phone. You reached over to it and read the words “we need to talk”

Instantly, your mind raced with all of the things that could’ve been the issue. You didn’t have to do much soul-searching, however, when you received a huge paragraph from your friend.

It was clearly copied and pasted, meaning that your friend had put some thought into, and maybe even asked others for help with, it.

Your heart dropped into your stomach as you read about how your “friend” claimed that you were avoiding them on purpose, and how they felt neglected by you.

Frustrated, you start to text them back, explaining in vain that it was just because of the time of year, and that you really didn’t mean to ignore them. By the time the text had sent, there was a delivery error.

Your friend had blocked you.

Your mind and emotions went numb. You shut your book and laid down on your bed with bleary eyes as you thought about all of the moments you had with your friend.

Defeated, you stood up to turn off your desk lamp, and went to bed with tears streaming down your face.

As time progressed, you had scarcely come from your dorm. You spent your time studying when your mind allowed you to. Most of the time, you could only lay on your bed in defeat.

Luckily for you, your green-haired best friend had noticed your recent absence. Izuku was nervous about your disappearance, and would bring a plate of food to leave at your door. When he knocked, you wouldn’t answer him, so he figured that something must be very wrong.

Eventually, Izuku gathered the courage to knock and stay there until you replied to him.

“(Y/N)? It’s me. I know you’re in there,“ he murmured as he rested his forehead against the door. “I just want to know if you’re okay.”

You sighed as you looked at the door. Were you really in the mood for company? What would his reaction be? Was it worth it?

You rolled over in your covers and stared blankly at the wall.

“(N/N), I’m not leaving.” His voice was a little more stern, almost as if he was upset with you.

“Go away,” you mustered.

A gentle gasp was heard from outside the door. “Please let me in… I promise I won’t bother you.”

You readjusted yourself to be turned away from the doorway. Sighing, you decide to let him in.“Door’s been unlocked since Tuesday.”

You closed your eyes and waited. Within a second, the knob of your door turned, and it was pushed open.

You heard a gentle gasp and a forlorn voice. “(N/N), please, talk to me.”

“Nothing to talk about.” You replied.

Izuku sat next to you on the bed and put his hand on your shoulder. “I will not leave your side until you at least acknowledge my presence.”

You rolled over and your teary eyes met with his own. You didn’t have time to react before the boy wrapped his arms around you tightly.

“I’m sorry if you don’t wanna be touched right now, or if you just wanna be alone, but I know in my heart that you need this.” He whispered, running his hand along your head. “Tell me, what’s going on in your mind?”

His soothing words and comforting touch made you instantly dissolve into sobs. Izuku held you close, whispering reassuring words into your ears. “It’s okay, it’s okay… shhh… I’m here, it’ll be okay. Im not going anywhere, I promise you’re safe with me.”

As soon as you calmed a bit, you started to pour out all of your troubles. They flowed out like water, and you were unable to hold them back.

Your friend held you securely, hoping to convey his solidarity. Izuku listened intently to every single world that you said, nodding in acknowledgement.

When you finished, he wiped your tears and took both of your hands.

“I’ll preface by saying that I’m so sorry that this happened to you… I can’t even begin to imagine how awful this must be, especially during this time.”

“I want you to understand that this isn’t your fault, not at all. You expressed clearly that you are feeling a certain way, and your “friend” didn’t respect that. You can’t be responsible for how they feel, because you tried to explain what had happened.” His thumb came up to your cheek as another tear fell from your eye. “They chose on their own to not listen to you. If it’s worth anything, I personally think that this individual is not your friend. If they were really someone who wanted to have a bond with you, they wouldn’t do this to you.”

“You can’t control how you feel either. Depression is a sickness, and you can’t force it to go away. You’re trying your best, and that’s all anyone can ask of you…”

You rested your head on his shoulder, and he kissed the crown of your head. Closing your eyes with a sigh, you finally spoke. “I just don’t get why you can be so understanding but they can’t…”

“Because some people don’t take mental illness seriously.” He replied, tracing circles on your shoulder blades. “It’s dumb, but some people just don’t understand how terrible it really is… I just hope that I can be enough of a support system for you.”

You hugged him back him tightly “You’re more than enough… You’re the only one who’s cared to check on me after all this time, so thank you.”

Izuku cradled the back of your head with his hand as you hugged him. “Just take a minute and rest, I’ve got you…”

As your residual tears finally started to dry, Izuku helped you to lay down and rest your head in his lap. He ran his fingers through your hair as you closed your eyes.

“Don’t worry about a thing right now… just get some sleep, I’ll be right here if you need me.”

Before you fully fell asleep, you swore that heard Izuku mutter a few words.

“I wish they’d only see you how the rest of us do…”

—————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎—————

[lyloneliness]

This will have nothing to do with bsd and will be very personal so those who follow me for bsd stuff you can stop reading if you want ₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎

Actually, I don't think many remember, or have even read the tag game (edit: my bad, it was an ask) in which I said I actually have something similar to a Dissociative Identity Disorder.. Well, even if no one reads this I just wanna put my thoughts down so it's okay anyway.

I just realized that now that I'm dissociated, what is 'me' as an alter (alternative personality), or more as a person is supposed to be way more defined... Or restricted in a way. I was always a weird person, with many changes of heart, of moods, of likings and other stuff... Well, in everything really.

Back then, if I was to use only one word to define myself I would always answer "changing", or "inconsistent". One time I even got very upset at my parents and cried because they said it was a bad word, a bad thing, that I shouldn't describe myself as inconsistent... I felt like they rejected the fact that I am like this, or just basically, like they rejected me.

Anyway, now I know that it was because the different parts of 'me' that were supposed to assemble in one identity at the end of early childhood didn't assemble like with most people, those who don't struggle with severe dissociation. And with people with a 'complete' DID, they don't assemble at all, and one becomes the main while the others appear later in life to help the 'whole person'/system navigate in life, adaptating to situations by switching. But for me it was just like a child doesn't knowing how to combine many things to make a proper collage just taped a ripped sheet of paper together to vaguely maintain it, faking it being whole.

That's why I was like that, I was literally different persons stitched together and coexisting throughout my life.

And now that each of us is separated from the others, and well defined, they all know what they like, how they are, who they are. Well, they don't even have to acknowledge it, they just ARE like that.

All but me.

I'm the 'main', the one to whom all this life is attributed to, the base of our existence until now. And all the memories I have are supposed to be mine. My feelings, my likings, my relationships, my behaviors.. But now I know most of them were the other alters', and I don't know anymore what I like. What is 'me' in all of this?

I don't know how to make the distinction. I don't know what I like, how I'm supposed to act like. The person I was supposed to be wasn't really me all this time, so the image I had of myself is crushed.. I always felt like I wasn't properly someone, I never knew who I was, so I made efforts. But turns out all the progress I thought I had made over the years to construct my personality just split at the same time as us, I'm back to before I constructed everything I'm supposed to be. There is nothing left for me..

I can't even say what my favorite colour is.

I don't have an identity.

I feel like a digital painting to which all the layers were took away to make a complete painting out of each, and all is left is the blank canvas. That's indeed a weird comparison but well, I'm supposed to be an artist so I couldn't think of something else.

I feel like I'm a middle schooler in the middle of an existential crisis when I'm supposed to be 19 in a little more than a month. Everyone always said I was a mature one, turns out one of my alters was 4 years older all this time, and now I can't seem to see things from a distance, cool my head and try to understand anymore. Everything is blurry and I'm scared. Honestly, I forgot what it was to be lost and scared. 'I ' almost didn't feel anything in a year and now I'm blending with a big mess of feelings that I don't even know are mine or not, and how I need to react to them.

I don't even know if I'm tired of being in this void, or sad, or disappointed by this loss of self... I drown myself in hypersomnia to avoid existing like this and thinking about what I'm gonna become and how I'm supposed to become it (well, I don't even know what I want to be to begin with.. ), only to have weird dreams that I don't know are whose since I switch even in it, and deciphering it all seems exhausting.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I actually want to do anything..

Well, this is all for the rambling! (≡^∇^≡)

I kinda feel sorry for anyone who'd get until here reading all this mess... If you wanna say smth or ask questions I'm all open really. Even if it's quite unlikely.. but yeah, "just in case", yknow (=ㅇ༝ㅇ=)

Oh! And something that made me laugh (bitterly but still) :

*Incoming screenshot of when I was writing*, for those with the blue theme like me

Auto correct didn't even consider this possible 😹😹😹

[bereft-of-frogs]

friday! ✨

reading:

(in-progress) Jaw Bone - Monica Ojeda - This is an excellent follow-up to Yellowjackets in that it is about how teenage girls can and will start a cult, while an adult figure in their lives looks on in horror and then does something way worse. Also, the line "Why do [girls] love [their girl friends] so much that they would rather see them dead?" tell me that's not Shauna

(phone book) Into the Dark - Claudia Gray: omg I forgot how much I love Reath. This is legit making me considering pushing through my issues with Midnight Horizon because this can't be where we part ways. He's just so me. He stays behind for historiography. I loved historiography. He shows up kind of buzzed for an important journey. Do you know how many times I've gone through TSA still drunk? So many times. Ok not when I was 17 because I was kind of a square back then, but I for sure made up for it in my 20s. I love him. I think my issues with Midnight Horizon were 1) just being #done with forbidden romances. There are like 4 of them. I'd just read Gray's Lost Stars for book club (which was a disappointment). I don't love forbidden romances at the best of times and I was just over it. 2) some of the dialogue literally made me cringe it was so bad. But. I am considering powering through because Reath is just so me. I will say, this is probably because of my MH annoyance, but I do wish that Jora hadn't died, I think she was better for him than Cohmac is but...maybe that opinion will shift during this reread. I also really appreciate that this dodges some YA sins (unlike some others in this recap...👀 see below) by making a major theme be that the adults are equally as lost and stressed as our teenage protagonist. Like, they're sort of useless because yeah adults are also lost and confused sometimes, not just to get them out of the way of the plot. I just love the cut from Reath's POV being like 'look at them, they've got it all together, maybe when I'm an adult I won't feel so lost and uncertain' and then to all the adults' POVs being like '*internal screaming* what if I'm making a huge mistake.' I feel like, for me, this is what makes a YA book readable as a 30+ year old, treating the teen protagonist and the adult side characters with equal respect and depth.

Lord of the Rings chapter-a-day: I was supposed to finish this today, based on that blog's schedule, but once I fell behind I just decided to keep with the one chapter per day thing. Should finish by early next week and then I'm moving on to The Silmarillion to spite that one person who didn't believe the 'have you read this book' poll results. Many Partings today <3 ah.

watching (tv):

Severance (AppleTV+): I love how for like half an episode I was like 'idk this might not be such a bad idea' because I have a lot of work-related dreams and I'm like, hm but if I can't remember work, will have I have nightmares about it, and then the show immediately spent the rest of that episode and the three following being like 'hey this is a fucking horror show'. What a nightmare. Possibly the most disturbing show I've watched all year so far. Patricia Arquette's character is legit a little triggering haha.

watching (film):

the only movies I watched this week were all of the Hunger Games movies. They put them on Netflix. And. Look. I have such a complicated relationship with the Hunger Games series, some of you might be like 'um don't you bitch about that series quite frequently' yes. Also, when Netflix puts them on I WILL watch all of them. I saw the new one in theaters. I'm committed but. Hunger Games rant incoming, this is one of those things that has gotten a bit ruined by the fandom. Because I really enjoy it -- at least the first two -- I just don't think it's a masterpiece that is so deep it should be taught in high schools. It's pretty shallow actually. The first two books/movies are so fun, they're tropey and fun and a great angsty setting. (When I'm in a certain mood, oof, Hunger Games AUs? Hit so hard.) But they do indulge in some YA sins. Like not as many as the wave of knockoffs that followed, for sure, but they're there. The one that bothers me the most Katniss is both a blank slate for the reader to project on, and also the only one that's ever right. None of the other characters have depth or development just so that Katniss can be right all the time, even though by Mockingjay that just makes her seem like a hypocrite. Mockingjay, both the book and the unnecessary two-part conclusion, is just abysmal. But it feels like both my enjoyment of the tropey dystopian first two books and my dislike of Mockingjay, gets this response of 'you just don't get it, Suzanne Collins is playing 5D chess--' and I'm sorry, I just don't buy it. Anyway, this is but a fraction of the rant I could go on, Netflix tried to email me a little 'what did you think of The Hunger Games' survey and I was like, Netflix, babe, you don't know what you're asking. I also apologize to everyone who has to put up with my commentary whenever I put these on, the victim this time was @aurorawest thank you for putting up with my commentary. Also Gwendoline Christie is in the last one for like 2 minutes and cannot do an American accent so that was kind of endearing. Ok. End Hunger Games rant.

list:

guest-ready level clean of my apartment. we're mopping. we're doing the baseboards. we're making sure there's not any more butter on the walls (side note, I finally figured out how butter got on my wall: I was holding the butter knife in my right hand while picking up the bread in the toaster with the same hand and it tilted and gently brushed the wall exactly where I found the butter, so. no one asked by that's how butter got on my wall it's been like three days and I've been like....what happened here)

ECLIPSE DAY!!! I am both very excited and slightly stressed because the news has been like 'APOCALYPTIC CROWDS' but I do have to remember that my measurement for 'apocalypse-level crowds' has been shaped by almost exclusively living in places with much, much higher population density. So what I consider intolerable crowds and what the good citizens of this lovely state consider intolerable crowds...is slightly different. I definitely am anticipating a lot of traffic but I do think I need to recalibrate my understanding here. XD We'll see maybe it will be bad, but I have alternate routes planned, we'll have snacks, it'll be an adventure either way.

I have no other plans this is all I've been thinking about, this is the first thing I put in my calendar when I got it, I put in my PTO request in January lol

anyway, happy friday

[neonlight2]

Little ‘Steddie x reader’ blurb

(I may write more for this later)

Y/n had a really rough day. Two guys came by the tattoo shop she works at and wouldn’t let her work on them— even though she was the only artist available because they didn’t think she’d be able to give them a ‘real’ tattoo. Then giving the impression that she probably only knew how to do tramp stamps or cutesy styled tats. Which in the grand scheme of things, she didn’t think were bad, because she in fact had given several trap stamps and butterflies, hearts— you name it. She’s done it. Her philosophy was that if you liked it, and the art made you feel something, get the piece. No, it was the fact they were belittling her talent.

Then, after that, they had the audacity to try and hit on her. Saying her tattoos, which could be seen easily due to the tank top she was wearing, were ‘rad’ and how’d they’d like to see the rest. Eventually, she lost her cool, yelling for her co working to swap clients and that they wouldn’t need to worry, they could have both payments. All she wanted to do was get the fuck away from them. But! Before her co worker (who she was obviously besties with) could go talk to the two guys, y/n whisper in their ear:

“Make sure to add a little lead to your hand this time.” Patting their shoulder before wandering to the patiently waiting client, who happened to be absolutely delightful.

And you would think all would be well from there on right? She pawned off those guys, indirectly got the satisfaction of revenge from hearing them hiss and cry like babies— leading to one of them quitting halfway through— and got a nice canvas to work on.

Yeah no.

After her shift at the shop was done, where she was berated by her coworker to take at least a third of the tips for her work, she went to the bar across the street. She was extremely happy to be done with work today. And while she loved her craft, it could be tiring at times. This was one of them. Now, all she wanted was for her friend— with benefits? Lover? Fuck buddy? Booty call?

No scratch the last one, that was too low of a title for Jade.

Jade and her met each other at that very bar. It was one night Eddie was playing with his band— which she had subbed in for his drummer. After they had finished and Eddie had gotten out of his “post-guitargasm” state, as she liked to put it, Y/n felt a tap on her shoulder. Oh and how wide Eddie’s eyes got, gesturing her to look behind and see whomever had come up behind her. Once Y/n got a glimpse of her there was no going back.

Next thing Y’know she’s got Jade pinned against the bathroom wall, letting out moans that she knew everyone outside could here (and don’t worry, Eddie’s band only plays at places that are super down low or accepting, so we don’t have to worry about any homophobic assholes harassing them).

Thus why Eddie calls her a exhibitionist and/or a narcissist.

Dead serious, he’ll randomly come around a corner and say:

“Hello my little exhibitionist.” “Good morning, narcissist, how may I inflate your ego today?”

And the worst one so far: “Don’t worry Harrington, I know how to cheer her up. *insert Eddie playfully moaning y/n’s name*”

Anyways— they had been hooking up for a few months at scheduled times, places, for their safety. I mean while the 80’s were becoming more progressive, no one would ever be fully open in Hawkins. Even if it’s a small, cute town— she wouldn’t put it past anyone for bigotry and violence towards queer people.

So there she waited for Jade at least an hour. She’d been stood up this time it seemed.

To say the least, when she got home to her roommates, both two out of her three best friends, she wasn’t particularly in the best mood.

Steve and Eddie could practically see the frustration radiating off her.

“What’s wrong babe?” Steve asked, being pushed (literally) by Eddie to approach you.

Huffing from her nose y/n replies shortly, “I hate people.”

“Alright…” Steve treads lightly, his soft tone trying to ease the tension in her body.

All while Eddie goes, “Fair enough.”

Taking a second to elbow Eddie in the chest, Steve turns his attention back to y/n. “Why do we hate them today hun?”

Scoffing, she walks about the house as she replies, stripping off her sweat ridden clothes is the only thing that falters her speech.

“We’ll firstly, men are disgusting.” Both boys nod, knowing they aren’t part of her categorization. “These two asshole come in and when I go up to help them— because everyone else was working— they refuse to let me work on them because apparently I can only draw ‘girly/basic shit’. As if their skull tattoo choice wasn’t the most basic, white boy, country club rebel thing ever.”

Eddie couldn’t help but snort at her description, hiding it in Steve’s shoulder.

“Oh and then, when I get to the bar to meet Jade,” y/n stops, looks at them as she struggles to get one of her combat boots off. Finally after a few second of wrestling with her foot, Steve steps forward, getting on his knees, and helps his aggrieved friend. All while Eddie helps keep her upright with a hand on her back and shoulder. When it’s off she says a quick thank you before rambling on again— shamelessly walking to the living room in only her underwear as Eddie and Steve follow her like lost puppies.

Steve’s mother instincts kicking in, picking up the clothes she’s shed along the way to put with the rest of the laundry. However, Eddie had only become more entertained and enthralled by the turn of events. And being the agent of chaos he is, he grabbed a bottle of Jack from the kitchen before missing anything else.

“…guess what?! She wasn’t there. I waited for an hour. AN HOUR!” Y/n shouted, pacing about the room.

“Yeah we were starting to worry why you hadn’t called or come home.” Eddie stated, multitasking with listening and pouring them all drinks.

Ignoring his comment completely she carried on. “I mean you would think someone would at least have the common decency to call! Y’know, when you have plans with someone, let alone someone you’ve known for a while—,”

“Been fucking for a while.” Eddie chimes in, handing her a drink, which she gladly takes.

“Exactly.” She said, throwing back the first drink.

“Yeah,” Steve walks into the room after putting all the laundry away (you best bet he heard all of that, because let’s face it y/n’s loud, and he has mom ears.) “And it’s not exactly like you guys can be reckless, or at least you don’t want to…”

“EXACTLY!” She screamed back. “I mean god! It was her idea to do this in the first place! And now I’m—,” y/n groans dramatically, dragging her hands down her face.

It’s quiet for a bit. The boys look at each other, telepathically figuring out what they want to do. Whether or not they should say anything, or do something.

Eddie took the bait this time.

“You’re what baby?”

Y/n stops to look dead at them. Almost as if she were debating whether or not to say it. But in the end she realized— she really couldn’t give a fuck. And neither would they.

“I’m horny.”

Steve’s eyes go wide, but not because he’s shocked by her words, but by the flush that spread across her face as she did. He’s never seen her like this before, and they’d all known each other since high school.

Eddie on the other hand seemed the least affect one here. In all honesty, he was the most composed out of all of them.

“I’m horny, and I’m mad, and that’s really not a good combo because 1. I don’t have anyone to hook up with, and 2. I have nothing to punch. I swear to god I’m getting a punching bag Steve,” she ranting, pointing to the corner. “I swear it’ll go right there, because I don’t know how much longer I can stay sane—,”

“Use us then.” Eddie interrupts, swallowing down the untouched drink he’d poured Steve.

“What?” Steve and y/n ask at the same time, looking at Eddie with confusion or shock.

He hums, almost spitting out the liquor from their faces. “Sorry, clarifications— not use us as punching bags please, and,” he placed his hand on Steve’s leg, “Sorry didn’t mean to offer you up like that Harrington.”

“I’m to fucking deranged right now to understand you Eddie.”

“Fine, I’ll put it plainly.” Eddie sets down the glass and sits back on the coach. “I, me, your best friend —,”

“Don’t be a dick Munson.” Steve remarked, what to hear his proposal himself.

“Well I’m trying to offer her mine to use as she pleases.” Eddie retorted back, a smirk on his face as he looks at Steve. That’s until his gaze shifts back to Y/n. “Or mouth if you’d prefer. I know you’re not the biggest fan of dicks, but I’m here for anything you need.”

“Me too.”

Y/n and Eddie glance at Steve in surprise— for totally different reasons.

“What—? I mean why the fu—?”

“We’re your best friends princess.” Eddie says, tilting his head at her confusion. “We’d help you with anything, just like you do us.”

[sicklewxlf]

((Sorry to hear you've been having so much problems. What kind of RPs had you been wanting to do for years on end, if I may ask? (if its private, that's ok. I'm just curious.)))

||I'm gonna answer this one so everyone can get an idea and this wont be put on read more cause I want people to see this and understand why I'm barely here:

-I miss tumblr rps when they were engaging. Like Back before (sigh) Iam went and did what he did, his rps kept me engaged and even if I wasn't apart of them, they were so much fun to read. This even extended to discord rp as well. We made a server and it was just unlimited fun. There was a rp community that was so engaged in everything despite some people who made me feel like i wasn't welcomed in there groups (*looks at you Disney roleplay community*). But because of what he did, that all got taken away and I lost years worth of progress on a character and my mood for tumblr has never truly recovered. Not only that but Tumblr as a whole changed after 2018. Its not the same as I once remembered.

-Another problem I'm dealing with is Rps I want to do but they just never get done or done the way I want them too. The latter I'm explain is really to private rps I wanted replaced. No matter who I try to things with, its just not the same. It doesn't have what I'm after.

-Another one is, I sometimes get tired of crossovers. Before someone goes off at me over me saying this: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH CROSSOVERS! In fact, it was how i was able to meet people. What I'm saying here is, I don't get opportunities to rp in the world my characters are from because there isn't any blogs for them/the rp community not being there, or I'm forced to make a verse just so they can fit in said partner's other world. It gets tiring and frustrating.

-And one last thing, My muse for Death isn't even high...I favor the wolf boss character so much more than him. No matter who I rp as, I keep coming back to him because he was the character that got me to meet so many people over the years both good and bad. I rather be doing him on here again if only more and active kfp blogs exist. No multimuse bullshit but pure kfp blogs. There isn't any cause KFP 4 was total shit and I can't find things to make wolf work in there.

Where the hell is the rp community I knew in love....it partially dosen't exist anymore...

[obeythedemons]

This Year I...

This year has been weird? There have been bad things, but also lots of good things and I’m very happy with the direction my life is going. I always write these sorts of things somewhere so I can reflect on the year, so read if you want, it’s just a recap. Some of it may be out of order.

January I was having a breakdown over my gender identity. While I was going as Lance on this blog, that was more of a trial to see if it felt right. It did. So I had really decided I needed to start transitioning. I was also overwhelmed with work because I was...doing just about everything.

In February I got a new car. My old car was in an accident last year (someone hit me) and driving it was making me have panic attacks. It was also driving weirdly, so I wanted something new. I saved up and worked on my credit and got a car I really like.

I came out as trans and started to socially transition to Lance and using he/him pronouns.

One of my ferrets had to be euthanized. His insulinoma progressed to where he lost function in his hind legs and was starting to suffer. He was a good boy.

My mom and I went to Seattle for the first time. I saw a hunchback whale, lots of porpoises, lots of orcas, and some seals.

I went to Arizona for a trade show. My manager was very pleased with my performance and wants me to take charge of all future trade shows.

I got covid from said trade show. Everything tasted like fucking lemons.

Manager talks to me saying she wants my team to take on marketing and trade shows. The *three* of us are supposed to take this on, with me leading it. My coworkers say they don’t like marketing, so it all falls into my lap leading to a domino effect that leads to me getting a huge promotion next year while my co-workers don’t.

I went to Philadelphia for the first time to work on a project.

I got a new ferret to help one of the boys cope with the loss of the other ferret. That boy does not like the new ferret. :(

One of the other ferrets has to be euthanized. He is diagnosed with insulinoma. He also has heart issues and the medication would make him go into painful heart failure. The other boy ferret we have, not the new one, goes into a deep depression after losing both of his brothers.

The depressed ferret goes on walks every day up and down our drive way. These help him recover a bit. We later put him on CBD oils under vet supervision as an experiment to see if they can help assist ferrets. He seems to have better moods and becomes playful again. Still doesn’t like the other two ferrets.

I start to medically transition.

My mom’s still very depressed after the death of one of our cats last year. However, one of her friends at work had surprise kittens from her “spayed” cat. Mom gets a new kitten - much to Frodo’s delight.

I go to London all by myself!!!! I also go to Stonehenge and Bath. 

I confess and get myself the bestest boyfriend in the world!!!!!!

Seattle Part 2!!!! I meet my boyfriend in person!!! <3

Philadelphia Part 2??? Nope, it’s canceled last minute.

Boyfriend comes to me!!!!! <3 I cry when they leave because it’s going to be two months before I see them again :(

Just kidding! Seattle Part 3!!!!! I see my boyfriend again!!!! I’m currently laying in their bed typing this!!!!

Philadelphia Part 2??? Nope, it’s canceled last minute.

Next Year?

Seattle Part 4!!!!

Promotion with great new job in a sorta different department! (head of marketing >:D )

Genetic testing

Top surgery

Anime Expo

Canada????

Moving to Seattle

I call 2022, the year of news: New car, new job responsibilities, new places, new ferret, new kitty, new boyfriend!!!

[chaoscausesproblems]

Dancing in Paris

Requested by @aeriscallanga

OC owned by @aeriscallanga

CW: None

Word count: 1,328

Real quick A/N: "cHaOs, YoU sAiD wEeKlY pOsTiNg" well, guess what, im a liar. plus i got sick like twice so this has just been chilling in my google docs for like a month now but hey! its here now and idk maybe i will do weekly posting. also this is not beta read so my bad if theres any errors or if it sucks /hj

“Come on, Keith. I’ve seen you dance. You have to audition, they’ll love you,” Luka said, matching his strides to Keith’s.

“I don’t know… Last time I went to an audition-”

“You didn’t make it. I know, but you’re a lot less busy now. You don’t have to worry about a random call from that second job you had that you still keep secret for some reason," Luka said playfully, trying to lighten Keith's mood with the joke. It seemed to work because Keith let a smile onto his face.

"Okay. I'll think about it. That doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it," Keith replied, a new-found resolve in their voice.

"At least put your name on the list. You don't even have to show up. Even baby steps are progress." The two paused on a bridge and looked out over the river. Keith seemed to be lost in thought. They took a deep breath before looking over at Luka and finally breaking the silence.

"Okay. I'll do it. But I'm just putting my name on the audition list, that doesn't mean I'm committed to this."

"That's all I could ever ask for," Luka said as he offered the other a smile.

//////////////////////

Keith counted the steps as he danced. Today was the day if the auditions and they figured if they were going to potentially audition, they might as well be ready. Truth be told, they had been practicing ever since he signed his name onto the audition sheet. Right now, he was dancing on an empty sidewalk next to a river. The space was much better than his cramped home. 

"One, two, three-" CRASH

Keith jumped at the noise and lost his footing. They fell onto the sidewalk, nothing too bad had happened to them. He was, thankfully, just a bit shaken up. They looked up to the source of the loud crash.

"Great," Keith sighed in annoyance as he saw what it was. On the bridge up the river he spotted what he could only assume was an akumatized "villain". Speaking of spots, it seemed Ladybug had arrived and, by the looks of it, had dodged what seemed to be a thrown market stall. He wasn't going to make it, was he? They had a creeping suspicion they weren't going to go, so he didn't know why he seemed disappointed, but he was. On top of all of that, they promised to meet Luka before giving him their final decision.

Keith looked back up to see Cat Noir had arrived. It seemed like a tough fight and it looked like the two superheroes may have been losing. He noticed Ladybug was nowhere to be seen, though. "Odd," Keith thought to himself as he felt a tap on their shoulder.

"Excuse me?," a familiar voice asked. Oh no.

//////////////////////

How did he keep getting himself into these situations? Keith held in his hand a box. In that box was a nose ring. He just had to put it on and get rid of the villain, whose name he had quickly forgotten and hoped he got to the theatre on time after. He opened the box and out flew some sort of… was that a bull? How was it flying?

"Hello!," it said cheerily, giving a little wave as Keith let out a yell of surprise.

"You can talk?"

"Yep! I'm Stompp! Now let's go, we've got work to do!" The little bull thing- Stompp put his little hands on the box.

"I- I don't know if I can," Keith admitted.

"What do you mean? Of course you can. You've got this in you! I know you do!"

"It's just… Can you keep a secret?," Keith asked, making sure it was just the two of them.

"Of course!," Stompp seemed very pleased to be trusted enough by Keith.

"Well… I used to be a superhero and it kinda messed with my life and I've got an audition to maybe get to like right after this." Stompp put a hand on one of Keith's fingers.

"Well, they're not going to unakumatize that person without your help. They need you. The way I see it is you're going to be way later if you don't help. The quicker we get this done, the quicker you get to that audition. If you don't want to, though, I suggest you hurry before the streets are too dangerous to go through. So, what's it gonna be?" Keith glanced over to the Parisian streets. They were a mess and only getting worse by the minute. Keith took a breath before answering.

"Okay. Let's do this." Stompp let out a happy cry before pushing the box closer to Keith.

"Well hurry up then!"

As they put the nose ring in, Keith felt more determined than they had felt in a while as they fought. Stompp was right, too. The fight had ended rather quickly and Ladybug somehow managed to get the streets cleaned up almost instantaneously. 

Keith's feet were methodically hitting the concrete sidewalk as he ran to where he had agreed to meet Ladybug. They slid behind a wall before coming to a stop and detranforming themself. Stompp reappeared and congratulated him on his work.

"You did amazing!," Stompp said as Ladybug came into sight.

"Well, I guess this is it," Keith said, feeling a lot more disappointed than he thought he would be.

"Yeah. It was nice working with you. Now, you've got an audition to get to!," Stompp replied. Keith almost interjected with a 'Maybe' before another surge of determination washed over him. 

"I do, don't I?" The two said their final goodbyes before Keith carefully took the nose ring out and handed it to Ladybug. With a wave from the both of them after Ladybug thanked Keith, they were both off. Ladybug to wherever she went after a fight and Keith to meet Luka.

All Keith heard were his breaths and his heavy footfalls as he ran. He had to meet Luka on time. He had to get to that audition. He wasn't missing it. Not this time.

Keith slowed to a stop as he reached the spot he agreed to meet Luka at, but they couldn't see him. He heard footsteps approaching from an alley and spun around, only to be met by Luka. Keith breathed a sigh of relief.

"About time you showed up," Luka teased.

"No time for that we've got to go, I'm gonna be late!" With that, Keith grabbed Luka's hand and ran towards the theater.

"You know, they'll probably give you more time given a few blocks of Paris were shut down for a while," Luka said, trying to keep pace with Keith.

"Yeah, but we can't be sure," Keith said, continuing to run. They continued like this for a few more minutes, continuing to constantly dodge cars and pedestrians before coming to a stop outside of a theater.

"Well, this is it," Luka said as he tried to catch his breath.

"Yeah," Keith replied, his eyes transfixed on the building. Their hand reached out for the handle and they opened the door. The walked into the building and for the first time in a very long time, Keith danced. It felt incredible and in that moment, he didn't even care if he got the part- well, maybe he did a little, but not as much as he used to. They were just happy to be there and as he wrapped his dance up, the judges looked at him expectantly. 

"Keith, if you're willing to accept, you have the part," the one in the middle spoke.

"Yes! I'd love to take it!" Keith was more than elated. He did it. He really did it. Luka was right after all. That brought him back down. 'I'm never gonna hear the end of this, am I?,' Keith thought to themself, but as they looked over at Luka smiling at them, he figured he could live with it.

[nottobeadickoranything]

I like all music except these genres:

- Pop Punk. Worst genre of music all-time, a waste of everything. Not one riff or worse, "sex offender" riffs. I love how we are making it socially unacceptable for people over 25 to be into this genre in 2024.

- Ska. Second-worst genre. A genre that exists to make music school nerds feel cool. They aren't.

- Midwest Emo. I cant fw slower music with no groove and dislike almost all the vocals. Being so high school-coded is beyond cringe to me.

- The Smiths/Morrissey. I cant stand that fascist idiot, but then again, I was writing poetry in high school, so maybe Im not his intended audience. The Cure did everything The Smiths did and better/with more riffs/trax. The Smiths are the most overrated band ever, I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone with how many people still enjoy and pay him/them even though Moz has been a proud, open far right fascist over at least the last 20 years. Make it make sense!!!

- Shoegaze. A genre I nerded out over with the 2005 Russian blogs that appeared and had like, literally every album ever. First "genre" I checked out purely online and that experience of checking out these dozens upon dozens of releases worldwide all in one easy place is a fond one. But time has not been kind to this genre in my eyes/ears. It really is just 1 classic album, My Bloody Valentine's Loveless LP, and then a million and one ripoff bands. Shields himself always talked about progressing the genre and apparently made some straight up techno records intended to be "My Bloody Valentine" records, but it ended up the most cookie-cutter genre in existence while Shields proved time and time again to be all-talk, less-rock(or anything, really), with none of these supposed techno records ever appearing, just another Loveless ripoff LP entitled mbv.

- Country/Americana. Again, if its slow and has no groove that doesnt make me feel something or dance, gtfo. I don't believe in or relate to a single one of these lyrics or visuals. Barns are never cool and are a place I never want to be.

- Oi/Skinhead. Third rate power pop played by unemployed dudes who look like plummers who swear they aren't racists, they just enjoy dressing like them! Dude, why tho? Put your Vans back on, its not 1979 UK outside, its 2024 and you live in California bro, and Californians are factually cooler people than British people! Why are you handicapping yourselves!? Just be from CA, its literally the tightest place anyone can be from!!

- Black Metal. I hate racists and this is the genre packed to the brim with them. Also the riffs are bad and the music truly borders on unlistenable unless mixed with other genres. The snuff film of music genres, and Goreslam exists. Not for me, not interested, I'm from California this shit has always been worthless to me. We got real riffs out here and real riffers worldwide always came through The Bay. I grew up watching like, Annihilation Time and Iron Age live, amongst literally hundreds others of sick ass riffers. Iron Age said straight up they would rather tour The Bay over everywhere else, because their riffs were most at home there. Give me riffs or get lost...

I like or can tolerate every other genre there is. I especially enjoy Footwork, Slam Metal, Bay Area Rap, Powerviolence, Krautrock, Bay Area Thrash Metal, Experimental music of all kinds, Hardcore Punk music from California only, rare/roots Ambient music, and like literally everything else. I'm sure theres a techno/electronic music genre I don't like, but I haven't found it yet, they all suit a specific mood for me...

[televinita]

Reading Triage (??)

I'm in a whirly-twirly-IDK-what-to-read mood and am throwing out TBR plans practically on the daily, so what if I simply made an enormous post full of titles that caught my eye in the last week and which I may or may not read soon.

1. Lock Every Door and/or The House Across the Lake - Riley Sager: I loved Home Before Dark (my thoughts are still percolating; I haven't forgotten your note, @kateschechterxthorwasmyfirstotp!), and I think that one will stay my fave, but these two look almost as appealing.

2. A Paris Apartment - Michelle Gable: because I keep thinking that Lucy Foley's mystery-thriller with almost the same title is based on that iconic real-life news story about the apartment that was left untouched since WWII full of beautiful art and heirlooms, and it's not, but this one is.

(it's not the only one either, but it's the one that got to me first and/or looks best. whether it actually is the best...hm, don't love this MC having a cheating husband whom she retaliates against by also cheating. why can she not be 34 and single instead)

3. The Paris Apartment - Kelly Bowen: this one is also about that! it looks like it is probably better but also. I am just So Tired of dual-timeline WWII novels in Europe.

4. The Apartment - S.L. Grey: I don't know a damn thing about this one or the author. It popped up when I searched Foley's book in the library catalog, because this apartment is also in Paris, but this one appears to be a horror/thriller and I immediately said "hell yeah place request." (update: I peeked at Goodreads. Ratings appear Bad. So...we'll see.)

5. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil - John Berendt: idk what randomly put this book back into my brain, but it's one I remember seeing everywhere in used books for a while, and might even actually remember seeing in the 90s/early 2000s due to its iconic cover. I always dismissed it because "eh, adult book," but today I realized, oh yeah, I like adult books now sometimes, so I read the synopsis and it sounded pretty intriguing actually, and then I learned for the very first time it's actually nonfiction and not a novel?? So...maybe. Seems a good October read.

6?. The Work of Art - Mimi Matthews: I started the ebook assuming I could get the paperback from the library the next day, since it was checked in and reading on a screen sucks, but IT WASN'T ON THE SHELF WHERE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. I placed a request to make them find it, and yet its status remains unchanged since 9/24, which I can only conclude means they have well and truly misplaced their only physical copy. >:( So fingers crossed they find it, because I simply will not make further progress on a computer screen with a book of this length.

7. Emily Wilde's Encyclopaedia of Faeries - Heather Fawcett: I keep forgetting about this and then being randomly reminded about it in BookTube videos. I tend to like this style of book (very A Natural History of Dragons), and it's one of the few ways a book with a faerie element can appeal to me.

8. The Echo of Old Books - Barbara Davis: Beautiful cover, antiquarian bookseller, sold.

All right, I think that's everything I've just collected or am in the process of calling in from the library...

------------------

24-HOURS-LATER UPDATE: would you believe that only books #2-4 are available to me right now? "Parisian apartments or NOTHING for you, Televinita," says the library, as all the other books are checked out right now (or lost), except #5, whose dense text and snoreful writing style immediately put me to sleep so that's gonna be a no. And I've already read the last book (about Tara) from yesterday's library triage post. I guess I still have Good As Gold... and the hundreds of unread books I own?? nah

48-HOURS-LATER UPDATE: that said... Lock Every Door is now on its way in, as are two books I put on hold ages ago and also two books I just found out about and immediately decided to read.

[grad604-nilam]

♡ Reasons behind each item

♡ Workout accessories (Gymshark wriststraps, dumbells, socks)

These wrist straps were given to me by my boyfriend around 2 years into my weight training. I got to a point where my legs were stronger than my grip, and it was holding me back, I expressed by concerns to my bf, and he bought me these. The most perfect pair of wrist straps. Therefore, to me, these represent many things, the endless support for my training from my bf, embracing femininity in the gym, with the pink and the progress I have made in the gym so far, enough so, where my strength has reached a level, where my leg strength isn't holding me back, it's just my grip strength.

♡ Paint accessories (brushes and paint)

My paint brushes and paints have allowed me to create any and everything I have ever painted. From gifts for other people, painting things for my room, or painting my own clay creations. Without my brushes, I would not have the means to enjoy this hobby. Not to mention that getting new brushes is always exciting.

♡ Headphones

I listen to music every single day. I wake up, and play music while I shower and get ready, in the car, in the train, while I work, while I work out, everything. These headphones I have gotten recently, and they make the music listening experience so much better, and allow me to feel as if I am in my own world. As crazy as it may sound, I would find it very difficult to get through the day, listening to busy streets, without music. I would go as far as to say, that if I didn't have my headphones in a situation in which I usually would, it would make the task I need to complete, 100 times as difficult, affecting my mood immensely.

♡ Indian accessories (bags, jewellery, evil eye keychain)

As I have gotten older, I have embraced my culture more and more. Being an indian girl, especially when I was younger, I felt myself falling victim to the westernised beauty standard, and felt as if I couldn't be considered even remotely attractive or pretty. These items I have displayed around my room, are me finally being proud of where I'm from and no longer feeling that it is something I should be feeling bad about.

♡ Hair accessories (hair gel, clip and brush)

In the last 5 months, I have started the process of embracing my natural hair texture after straightening it for 4 years straight. These products represent the effort that I now put towards looking after my hair. My hair has always been important to me, in terms of length, and although I still care about having long hair, the health of my hair is finally becoming a priority.

♡ Plushies and toys

These two plushies seem very superficial, however, the stories behind them are very important to me. Firstly, I have always been someone who loves collecting plushies. The cow plushy my Dad won for me at the Easter Show when I was so young, and the only thing I remember is him handing me the toy. The hello kitty toy I won recently, on a night out with my family at an arcade, and we have never all gone to an arcade together, just to play games. That night we play so many games, and lost so many times at the cranes. I was the only one who won something, it was this toy. That night meant a lot to me, because everyone was having genuine fun and my mum who is so hardworking and finds it hard to to relax, enjoyed herself, wants to go again and played like a kid. To me, this represents family time. The bubbles pop figure, is also a representation of family to me, particularly my sisters, and we consider ourselves the powerpuff girls, as theres three of us.

♡ Crochet bag

Maybe two weeks into me learning how to crochet, I made this bag, after spending around 10 hours on it, not including the charm. This bag is a representation that I am able to do whatever I set my mind to no matter what. I wanted to make a crochet bag, with only a few weeks of experience, and I now have a bag I actually use and love.

♡ Heart rose quartz and trinkets

When I was younger, a barbie movie that I loved, and in it, the two barbie best friends, made necklaces out of heart shaped stones. I remember even finding a rock that was kind of shaped like a heart that I treasures, but I don't have it anymore. After being older, and being the heart loving person I am, I had to have something similar. After a hunt for a rose quartz heart, I found this at crystal mountain in the gift shop. I feel a part of me is complete, once I bought it. It also goes along with the fact that collecting little trinkets, has always been something I loved. The two charms are over a decade old, and I believe belonged to my older sisters, and I now treasure them as little trinkets, being true pieces from the early 2000s. They are also pf motifs I love, that are seen all over my room, hearts and stars.

♡ Ball heels

These were my actual first pair of heels that I wore, and bought for myself, for ball. Ball was so important to me, and going all out was what I wanted. This was me finally embracing my feminine side, and having the opportunity in such a memorable way.

[doxiedreg]

Was feeling fairly happy today (because finally a sunny weather day) but then I made the mistake of trying to draw something since I was feeling so good and I ended up very frustrated for hours. This is why I can't force art if my body refuses. It will cause my mood to tank as nothing turns out right. Managed to make two decent sketches of 2 new OCs I got but still feel kind of crappy because of all the time I lost getting frustrated. Also kinda did not eat dinner until now (almost 10:30 pm) so that also doesn't help.

I hope I didn't knock down my progress too far, hopefully taking a shower and doing the laundry tomorrow will fix it, maybe I'll try to clean the house a bit..it's hard finding energy and motivation to do things.

On the plus side, I did a big water change of my fish tank, saw lil fry again so at least one is alive. The corys also went crazy after chasing eachother which I'm pretty sure is breeding behaviour so they must have liked it. Mama lemon is still hiding a lot, Calico is quite active and looks healthy but still also hides a lot and orange is the only one who hangs out regularly in the front and I've also seen her pass normal poops. She does still look quite fat tho but I don't think it's worms since again she is active, passes normal poop and enthousiastically eats her fishfood. So maybe just fat? Don't think she is pregnant either because she doesn't have a gravid spot

I love my aquarium but I swear you really need to put on your detective cap sometimes to figure out wth is wrong when the fish are acting weird

Shrimp and snails are still vibing just fine. The general cure I had in there for 5 days was supposedly bad for snails but from what I could see they didn't give a frick

So yeah that's my life update of today. Still shimmying between okay and not okay

[rukistarz]

✩ STAR DIARY - entry three - 18.2.23 ✩

9:24 am

im fucking exhausted right now.

i woke up earlier than usual today, and since i was awake, i decided to weigh myself. for the past few days, i’ve been losing a pound everyday, consistently. today, if i were to lose another pound, i would’ve hit a new lw, but of course that didn’t happen because i lost 0.4 of a pound instead.

126.2

im disgusted, and frankly pretty pissed off and sad. i’ve literally been doing everything right, what am i missing here ? of course im impatient, i’ve been liquid fasting for nearly a week, all im doing is waiting for the numbers to drop, and when that doesn’t happen, it annoys me beyond compare.

it’s funny because, yesterday i was too scared to even have soup (90 cals), because i thought it had too much already. i previously had, a coffee (40 cals), white monster (11 cals), Coke Zero and water.

maybe i did have too much after all.

this weigh in has put me in a sour mood.

i never really let myself get my hopes up for weigh in’s because i always expect to be disappointed, but it thought it would at least be 125.9 or .8, you know ?

and i know im still fat, okay ? i get it, it’s a work in progress, and im only nearly on day six of my fast, i’ll lose more and more, and it’s motivating, but i cant fake it and say that im okay right now, you know ?

i think im just going to distract myself today, try not to weigh in for a few days so i can really be surprised when i do.

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩

4:04 pm

SHUT UP YOU DEPRESSED AND TIRED LOSER!

that was so dramatic, wtf.

anyway, i lied.

i went back to sleep and slept until right now, and felt the urge to weigh myself when i woke up so i gave in and did.

125.2!!!!

NEW LW JUST DROPPED, WHO DIS ?!

lmao, anyway im really pleased that everything is working out. im still going to try to not weigh myself everyday, at least. simply because weight fluctuation and stuff really messes with me. so yeah, just gotta try to break out of that bad habit lmao.

anyway! im now 5.2lbs away from my next gw of 120!

tbh, my gw had always been 130, for years. and i would always be between 130-140lbs, and would start restricting again whenever i got too close to, or past 140.

then, this summer i finally actually hit 130 and got to 126, my lowest weight, before binging again and eating “normally” for the next six months. i say normally in quotation marks because i was eating too much, it wasn’t recovery.

it was fear.

fear of when i’d restrict myself again. i wanted to enjoy all of the food as much as i could for as long as i could get away with until i couldn’t gain anymore.

130 became my new 140.

i hit 132, freaked out and now here we are.

i didn’t relapse because at 132, however.

i relapsed at 130. restricted for a few weeks before binging for a few days and going from about 128 to 132, which is pretty easy, so yeah.

now we’re here.

close to a gw that i’ve never in my life hit before.

im excited to say the least

✩ blessing you with a starry night, ruki ✩

[dzpenumbra]

9/29/22

I went with the tincture instead of smoking tonight. 4 drops. I don't know how much that is, honestly, the woman at the dispensary told me to do like 3-4 drops to start and so far I was doing like 2 and I haven't been feeling it. I did smoke earlier though, a lot, and played Session for a bit. I'm really enjoying it. It reminds me a lot of skating. Not just like... fantasy skating like Skate 3, where you do crazy tricks and go 100 mph... I can actually kinda replicate my current skate style. The speed I go, the tricks I can do, etc. Though the ingame character pops higher and rotates cleaner than I do.

It occurred to me a few tricks in that I should be recording. See, the game doesn't have a built-in clipping system. It has a sick in-game editor, with keyframing and different lenses and free cams and follow cams, manual cams, filters, camera wiggle, you name it. But I noticed last night that it didn't have an export feature... and my clips weren't being saved... So I lost all of last nights bank-to-ledge stall clips. But I fired up OBS and decided "fuck it" and recorded like 2+ hours of skating. I was thinking... dude, i should just share my entire raw session... of Session. Like, the entire unedited "stream", but in YouTube video form. Because I was still very anxious last night and I'm still VERY anxious about being high around other people, especially when being recorded. Still friction from unresolved trauma, that I'm still waiting for someone suitable to be there to help me practice so I don't have to dive into the deep end. This is good practice, but it's just not the same, honestly. So I didn't stream, I'm just not confident enough quite yet. But I did record. About halfway through, I realized that the music that was recording... while I really did enjoy it and it did come with the game... was going to get my video muted, or worse. I got frustrated. Then I switched the music over to my brothers stuff and recorded another hour and 15 minutes.

But at a certain point, the music just kinda... rubbed me the wrong way. It's obviously not bad, he's got talent. It just felt... dark. I wanted a more chill vibe and the vibe of the album I was listening to was very tense, frenetic and abrasive. Not that it's a bad thing, it was likely very intentional. But it rubbed my fur against the grain and I kinda wrapped it up there, because I didn't have other music to listen to. Honestly, after going through that experience, I would say that's a hallmark of a very successful song. High praise. I mean that genuinely. Isn't the point of music to elicit a strong reaction? And the mood chosen was tension, rough textures and dissonance? That's like... the anti-soothing. And I was seeking soothing and round wet basses and triplet polyrhythms. So we kinda butt heads at the end, but that's how it goes when you have limited options.

I think next time I'm going to reroute my browser audio to a different track and record that way, try to just record game audio. I still want the board sounds and all that, otherwise I'd just overdub.

Anyway, the idea with it was that I could do skate progression videos on youtube and instagram with skateboarding, snowskating and Session. As I learn new tricks in real life, I can learn them in Session... and vice versa? I'm sure it's easier to learn in the game because the pain factor is sorta brought out of the picture, but cross-pollinating creative inspiration there seems like a great idea all around. And the concept of progression and personal growth through skating has always been a theme I really want to put at the forefront. The resilience, persistence and confidence skating requires really does make skaters a unique breed. I need to stop making excuses not to skate. And I also need to not be so hard on myself, so... which do I do first? XD

I went to the doctors today. Finally. I have a skin problem, apparently it's a bacterial infection that's been recurring constantly for just shy of a year. Ever since I quit smoking cigarettes, like within two weeks of then. They prescribed me two antibiotics - topical and ingested. He told me I should see a dramatic improvement in 4-5 days, if I don't to call him. He rushed me out. But I mean, it was the end of the day in an Urgent Care, so I tried not to take it too personally. I had a mini-freakout later about the antibiotics - anxiety, a little panic. "What if the antibiotics wipe out my gut biome?" "What if they fuck up my immune system?" "If I got this bacterial infection from an environmental source, like my rotting roof or something, what's stopping it from coming right back? Or me becoming vulnerable to something else when my immune system rebounds?"

I used to have much more blind faith in doctors. Until they really fucked me over. Several times. False diagnosis with Epilepsy, had me on meds for I think close to a year for a neurological condition I didn't have. False diagnosis with Crohn's Disease, had me go in for an unnecessary colonoscopy at age 32. False diagnosis with Compartment Syndrome in an ER had nurses swarming in to prep me for either exploratory surgery to try to free the clot manually, or amputate my right leg at the knee - my choice.

I was wrestling with the idea. Like the choice of putting my life in danger, and I have to pull the trigger myself. Of course I don't want that. Of course I want more time to work on art and music and try to connect with people, and to love and live and learn! Who would care for my beautiful Maxine? I think that's what people call "catastrophizing"... Durr... It's not like taking a mega dose of antibiotics one time for a few days is going to outright kill me. Right?

Then I went to earlier this year. When I put my dog on an antibiotic regimen for a bit to get rid of Lyme. And then just a few months later, she just... wouldn't eat a banana, one of her favorite snacks. And collapsed on my spare mattress in my room. And within 24 hours she was dead. I'm crying. I miss her so much. This grief is still very raw, I don't want it to subside. I want it to stay, because it's a reflection of my love for her. How much she meant to me. We were literally inseparable.

So maybe it brought that back up. Maybe I PTSD'd out there because I have very strong emotions, and that was the strongest bond I have ever experienced. And reconnecting with something tangentially associated with her (antibiotics), and then having my brain connect that to (sudden unexpected death) just made it a very visceral emotional connection to my experience to her. Maybe that's what happened there.

Here's my work. If anyone wants to fucking get on my ass about "not having a job" or whatever... THIS is my work. I explore the human psyche, from within the human psyche, and identify why the fuck we do what we do. At very least why I do what I do. I mean, that's really all you can do with any sense of certainty, right?

Weird how so many therapists and psychology professors I have encountered in my life are so utterly oblivious of their own thoughts, habits and shortcomings. Likely because they've spent their whole life scrutinizing the habits and behaviors of others. Looking outwards like aliens landing on a new planet and studying the local wildlife. Never looking inwards, because... well... who has the time?! XD

Guess what motherfuckers! I've got nothing but time! And I think it's a big part of being a poet, artist, musician - I'm stalling up on my elaboration here, I'm struggling to find a way to articulate it properly. I got Devin Townsend's book, I never knew he wrote one, it was free! I read the first chapter and it was illuminating and also very frustrating at some parts, as to be expected in a book about creativity and building a career in that field, and working with your inspiration and all that. I was going to add a part about... intention with art. I don't want to generalize that a big part of being a poet, artist or musician for everyone is about introspection and pure honesty. Maybe others have other goals, and they can absolutely be successful. I guess I'm just speaking from my own experience, my own goals and maybe others who are similar to me.

See, I have always wanted to be the guy who paints his dreams. The guy who gives really good advice and genuinely gets to know you at a deep enough level to do so. Who writes stream-of-consciousness poetry, and lyrics. It's not all of who I am, but it's a big enough and unique enough part that I feel it's a very dominant part of my personal story. Of the identity I have cultivated, and some of my strongest assets. It's when I feel the most accomplished. I go back and read my dream journals from years ago and I chuckle and start analyzing. I can picture a lot of them, in my mind's eye. I've always wanted to develop the skill to translate that well to paper. Maybe I need to make more general career goals (at least art/drawing-wise) and maybe that should be one of them.

I think at some point before I sidebarred like 3 times... I was talking about how understanding the human psyche works is my work. Exploring. Exploring my psyche, exploring the woods, exploring new art/craft mediums, exploring a new game or digital world. It's where I feel most alive! It's why I leaned towards streaming/YouTube. I don't know any other career where I would be able to switch mediums whenever my inner muse decides. "Hey, today we're gonna do some research on the origins of Gobekli Tepe, then later we're gonna watch the new A Happy Medium skate movie, then we're gonna play Rimworld and check in with our lone wanderer for a few hours, then maybe we'll cool down late night with some tarot readings and chatting while listening to chill music and drawing?" Now THAT is my kind of stream. That is what I'm gunning towards right now. I just need to cultivate this confidence shit.

So here's the big one that got reopened last night. I was thinking it while brushing teeth, so you know it's gonna sneak its way in here. I feel like a spoiled brat. And I get treated like one. I don't want my mom singled out here, internally or expressively, I have been treated this way by several people in succession following my pledge to fully intertwine art and content creation. I got a few people just looking at me like "get a real job", "you wouldn't be able to do this if you had kids", "you wouldn't be able to do this if it weren't for your parents". That kind of shit. As though the implication there is that I should quit and give up after 15 years of working through massive insecurity and self-esteem issues enough to get a solid body of diverse work under my belt. I should just... not do YouTube or stream... because someone else had kids. And is... jealous? Envious? I know there's a difference between those two, but I don't know what the difference is. Is that really as simple as that is? That those people, who used to be friends, were so jealous that I had the confidence (they could find the resources, I guarantee it, I would have helped them) to pursue my passion and specialty full-time, that they would outright refuse to support it... and whisper in my ear regularly that my life and talents would be better put into... what? Working at a graphic design company? I mean, they rarely answered that specifically when I tried to figure out what they are seeing that I'm not. Maybe those are just reflexes I talk to in those cases, I don't know...

But I have "Stockholm Syndrome" written on my big whiteboard in the other room for a good reason. When I get saturated in the concept that I am spoiled, picky, "beggars can't be choosers", that kind of thing? I start to believe it. Because my inner critic, my anti-confidence, my insecurity, my inner self-judgement. He loves that narrative. He thinks it fits to the T. When he gets fed that narrative and starts parroting it, and he becomes the dominant voice dictating self-image? That's when bad shit happens. That's when I stop streaming. That's when I give up on books and screenplays and scripts and game concepts and stories and painting ideas. All of it. Because I should be doing labor instead. I should not be drawing, or playing games, or watching videos, or playing music, or any of these childish things. I should be working.

I'm glad to have overcome that demon tonight. It was not something I did alone, in fact the bulk of the work was not done by me. I hope it can last, because the tug of war around all these tattered relationships, going from close to old friends... all the way to bitter enemies... overnight... it's just too much for me to handle right now, especially when I don't have a social life outside of it.

I want to embrace the light of today. Not linger on the scars. I have a history of overlooking recurring problems and forgiving things way too easily, it's my Achilles' Heel. But I think it's the right call today.

I hope this next month can be like old times, but brought up to modern speed. I miss jamming out with my brother. I miss texting people. I miss sharing my poetry and sitting on my porch and introducing people to the ducks. There's only one left now, I don't know if they migrated or something, but there's a muskrat too I think, looks like one at least, it's definitely not a beaver. I miss just... sharing my life with people. And this life's days are numbered. And I try to reconnect with family to take advantage of these limited days. But... the world is too hectic for them to find ways to make it work. Even living just 5 minutes away. But at least my mom is going to help me sort my stuff, we got back on the same page with that, and she actually seems excited to be involved. She actually seems to see it as the compliment and act of intimate trust that it is.

It's an amazing feeling to be seen, and understood. I cherish it.

Sun's here, time for sleep.

[uvobreakmylegs]

Detour

I’m excited that it’s fall but i’m also sad that i won’t be able to swim anymore

Warnings: death, graphic depictions of violence, creepy behavior, groping, mentions of smut, kidnapping

The two guys at the gas station check out counter had been there when Phinks had first walked through the sliding glass doors, and they were still there when he approached the check out himself, having only dropped in to grab another pack of beer. The gas station clerk seemed annoyed while the two guys were pulling their pockets inside out, evidently in search of any spare change that may have been hiding on their persons. There was a sad pile of jenny and some change sitting in front of the clerk while she waited for them impatiently, and she seemed ready to push all of the money back towards them as it became more and more likely that these two didn't have enough cash for the assortment of alcohol and junk food that also sat on the counter.

Any other time Phinks would've been annoyed by the situation. But seeing as he didn't have anywhere to be, he found that he didn't really care all that much. The troupe likely wouldn't meet back up for some time which left his schedule quite open, and he had found it difficult to find something to occupy his time with while he waited for the boss to bring everyone together again.

Phinks had decided that a road trip was a decent way to pass the time. It was something he'd never really done before and so far it was easing his boredom as he had hoped it would. There was no real time limit he had set on himself or any destination that he had in mind. He'd just keep doing whatever he felt like until the novelty of the trip wore off and then go home.

“Would you like to take a few items off?”

The tired voice of the clerk cut through his thoughts, and Phinks found that there had been no progress with the two in front of him.

“No no, we need all of it,” one of the men, a redhead, insisted, “we just, uh....”

Trailing off, the man glanced over to Phinks, who was still waiting with his single pack of beer. Then the man looked over to his companion and then back to the items on the counter.

Phinks could already sense what the man was going to ask of him before he spoke out.

“Hey man,” the guy said to Phinks, “I know it sounds bad, but do you think you could spot me on this? I'm bringing this stuff back for my party. We ran out of some stuff way quicker than we expected. Can't let people down, y'know?”

The redhead started telling him how much more they needed until the clerk interrupted him to tell him off for harassing other customers for money. A mini argument started between the two, with the man insisting that he wasn't harassing anyone and the clerk disagreeing with him. The man's friend joined in shortly after and it was quickly turning into a mess.

What obnoxious fucking people.

If he was in more of a bad mood he'd have probably snapped the necks of all of them. The presence of cameras stopped him from doing that, however, as it would just be too much of a pain to go to the back and destroy the footage after. Still, even though he didn't have anywhere to be, it didn't mean that he wanted to waste his time listening to people bicker. The easiest way out of this was to just give them the jenny so they'd all shut up.

After pulling out his wallet, Phinks slid the jenny across the counter.

That shut the three of them up, and the two men were quick to express their gratitude while the clerk just looked tired.

“Thank you so, so much, man,” the redhead continued after they collected their bagged items.

“Mm-hm.”

Phinks was only half-paying attention to him as he waited for the clerk to scan the beer so he could hand her the jenny owed. That transaction went much quicker and Phinks was soon making his way to the exit.

The two men seemed to be waiting on him, though.

“Hey, since you helped us out, you wanna come to my party?” the redhead asked.

Normally his automatic response would've been to give him a flat “no”. But in this instance Phinks just shrugged.

That seemed to give the redhead hope, and he began listing the reasons why Phinks should follow them back, like his “cool house”, hot women and great beer.

Given the especially cheap brand of beer Phinks had largely paid for, he had a hard time believing that last point. He also wasn't quite sure why this guy was so insistent on getting him to come along. Was it really just because Phinks had bothered to help them out?

“Name's Stu by the way. Back there is Billy,” the redhead told him, sticking out his arm to shake hands. When Phinks didn't do the same, Stu seemed a bit dejected, yet even that didn't make him back down from inviting Phinks.

“So how 'bout it, man? You wanna come?”

“.... I'll think about it,” he told him.

“Okay, but do it fast man. My place isn't that far from here.”

Phinks nodded, and Stu ran off to the car where his friend was waiting. The other guy didn't seem as keen on Phinks as the redhead had, regarding the blonde with suspicion. Phinks could hear him saying something as the two entered the car. Stu seemed to brush him off, and then their car doors closed and Phinks couldn't hear anything else.

The two ended up pulling out of the parking lot before he did, and Phinks found himself following them as they all made the same turn onto the highway.

He still had no real urge to go to some random guy's party, especially when he found him to be pretty annoying. And if it was a party filled with the friends of someone like that, he'd probably get irritated with all of them pretty quick. Better to just ignore them and be on his way.

Although the thought of just driving aimlessly through the night wasn't all that attractive, either. He'd done that several times now, and the feeling of being the only person in the world while he drove on the empty highway had lost its touch by now.

The car in front of him veered off the highway to get onto a side road.

After a few seconds, Phinks did the same, just thinking to himself 'why not?'. It would be something different, a little detour on a trip that was meant to be a distraction, and if it ended up being something that he didn't want to bother with, then he could just leave.

Although the noise level in the house wasn't quiet, it was nowhere near ear-shatteringly loud as Phinks may have expected. At least it had that in it's favor. Other than that, it was a stereotypical frat house party, with everyone talking and drinking as they got more and more shitfaced.

The two who brought him here vanished into the kitchen, and Phinks began to make his way around the house, sipping one of the cans of beer he had bought for himself since he had no interest in the shit the host had him pay for. A girl in one of the upstairs rooms noticed the beer in his hand and begged him to share with her, even going as far as to tug on the sleeve of his jacket when he told her no. He ended up pushing her away, and though he had tried to use as little force as possible, his strength combined with her tipsiness caused her to stumble back into a wall. She was still whining about him when he walked back down the stairs, going on about how mean he was.

He thought he'd been pretty nice to her, all things considered.

It didn't take long for Phinks to lose interest in this particular distraction. Not that he'd been expecting much, but after going around the house and not even seeing anything that might be worth stealing, he figured it'd be best to leave soon. With his short temper being one of his vices, he didn't want to deal with what would happen if some drunk got on his nerves and he smashed them into the wall.

With the sights, sounds and smells became grating to him and seeing no reason to stay any longer, Phinks went about trying to find an exit. Attempting to get out the same way he came in was put to a stop when he saw how congested the front entrance had become. He could've easily pushed past all of them, but since that would likely draw a fair amount of attention, maybe it'd be a better idea to find a different way out. Phinks wandered into the kitchen, walking by Stu who tried to talk to him. A patio door leading to the backyard caught his eye and he ignored the party's host as he walked by several people to get to it.

The cool air outside felt refreshing and he let out a soft sigh as the patio door slowly swung closed. Claustrophobia generally wasn't something he had an issue with, but that seemed to change a little when he was faced with a house full of drunken strangers who didn't understand the meaning of personal space. Another nice thing was the fact that no one else seemed to be out here. He didn't think it was that cold out, but it worked just fine if the people inside thought otherwise.

He stood on a deck with an assortment of patio furniture that sat in front of an in ground pool, and when he looked to the side, he saw the gate within the fencing that surrounded the backyard.

That was his way out, then.

With no more reason to stick around, he was about to head out and back to his car-

But he paused when he heard the sound of splashing water, and he looked back to the pool.

So he wasn't the only person out here.

Some of the patio furniture had blocked you from his sight so he hadn't noticed you at first, but you were now swimming out into the center of the pool and impossible to miss. It was pretty late in the year for swimming, wasn't it? Yet you seemed to be content with yourself despite the temperature and lack of company, swimming around the pool like you owned it. Maybe you did; he wasn't sure what your relation was to the party host.

Then your eyes met, and you smiled as you greeted him.

“Hello.”

“... Hey.”

He hadn't come out to look for company. He was looking to leave.

Yet something about this situation, about you, intrigued him, and Phinks walked forward, continuing with “isn't it a little late in the season for swimming?”

“That's what everyone seems to think,” you said, “it's going to be drained tomorrow, so I wanted to swim one more time before that. It's the last chance I'll get for this year.”

“No public pools around here?” he asked.

“I don't really like public pools,” you told him, laughing a little bit as you continued “the ones around here are never clean, and I don't wanna swim around in nasty water.”

Phinks couldn't say if he really had an opinion one way or the other. He tried to avoid situations where he'd need to be shirtless in public, as the spider with the number 5 on his ribs would've been a dead giveaway for anyone who understood it's meaning. He just shrugged at you as he said “fair enough.”

Phinks now stood at the edge of the pool while you swam up to the edge.

“I don't think I've seen you before. You new around here?” you asked him.

“No. Just passing through. Helped out the host at the gas station and he invited me as thanks,” Phinks explained, “I was expecting this to be taking place at some shitty apartment; didn't think a guy like that owned a house.”

“He doesn't, it belongs to his older brother Jed. Stu just lives with him,” you responded.

“Ah.”

That made a bit more sense to him. Since he hadn't been able to buy beer from a gas station on his own, it didn't seem likely that the guy would've had his own house. So he was just leeching off of his brother.

Despite being ready to leave just minutes earlier, he found that he now had a reason to want to stay here longer. But standing and talking to you was getting a little awkward, so Phinks sat himself down on the concrete next to the pool. So far you weren't annoying compared to some of the others. And despite being by yourself beforehand, you seemed pretty open to talking with him, resting your arms on the edge of the pool.

“You friends with them, then?”

“Jed is in a few of my classes, so I'm friends with him. Not Stu, though. He's kind of an asshole. Likes to play a lot of stupid pranks.”

You rested your chin in your hand as you thought back.

“He's destroyed two of my phones so far, both times by dumping water on me,” you said, “although I guess he did repay me for both, but it's still such a hassle to go through.”

“You're nicer than I am. If some guy like that fucked up my phone I'd kill him.”

You laughed at him, not taking his words seriously.

“You seem nice enough. You helped him out, right?”

“Only because it was the fastest way to get outta there. Stupid bastard started an argument with the clerk.”

“Yeah. That sounds like something he'd do,” you said, tiredness lacing your voice.

A cheer then sounded from inside the house, and though the doors and windows were closed, it was loud enough that the both of you could hear it from outside.

“Things must be ramping up in there,” you commented.

“Guess so,” Phinks said, taking a swig of his drink after.

“Isn't it kinda weird that you're keeping to yourself with an event like this? Don't see the point in going out if you're going to avoid people,” he added.

“But isn't that what you're doing by coming out here?” you asked.

“Nah, I was getting ready to leave.”

“What stopped you?”

“I haven't done much out here beside sitting here talking to you. What do you think?”

You seemed a bit taken aback and a little embarrassed as you realized the reason, but gave him a small smile.

“Oh wow. Are you saying I managed to be charming enough to keep a guy from leaving?” you asked him.

“No. You're just not as annoying as the others I've met tonight.”

Your expression was rather blank as you took in that information.

“..... I'll take that as a compliment, then,” you said, “so what do you do?”

“What do I do?”

“For a job, or just anything in general.”

“I do a couple odd jobs here and there, I guess,” he answered, “every once in a while a bigger opportunity comes up, and I just do whatever I need to.”

It was an oversimplification of his criminal activities, and he hoped that he'd been vague enough without sounding suspicious.

It appeared that he had as you didn't seem to think it was strange.

“You mentioned earlier that you were just passing through. Are you on your way to a job or something?”

“Nah. I'm currently off-duty. And I had a lot of time to kill, so I decided to take a road trip.”

“Oh, that sounds nice,” you said, “I work on campus, so I don't really get to do vacations for now. Can't remember the last time I went on one.”

“Job at least worth it?”

“Kind of? Although the other week I needed to go through something stupid.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I got screamed at by a lady.”

Your tone made it seem like that was something happened on a regular basis.

“For what?” he asked.

“Something with her daughter's textbooks. She ordered one that she didn't need on accident but didn't want to admit that she made a mistake, so she just let her mother yell at me for forty minutes and claim that we were the ones who fucked up.”

You sighed a little after the explanation. Evidently that situation still made you frustrated.

“.... Did she apologize after?” Phinks asked.

With a slightly wistful smile, you shook your head as you said “people like that don't apologize.”

“Sounds rough.”

It went without saying that Phinks wouldn't have tolerated anything like that. If it had been him he'd have killed them both and tossed their bodies in the trash. But he kept that rather violent thought to himself.

“Sorry you needed to deal with that,” he added.

“It's okay. It's little things that keep you going,” you said, “I've been looking forward to swimming for a while, so I'm pretty happy right now. Although I guess I'm kinda doing a job right now.”

“How so?”

“Jed's at his job right now, and since he doesn't trust Stu, he asked me to make sure nothing happens to the pool. The last time Stu had a party there was a bunch of trash in it the next morning, and it was a pain to clean up. So in exchange for using the pool, I have full permission to snitch on anyone who tosses anything.”

“Yeah? What's snitching gonna do?”

“Jed's a scary guy. Nobody wants to make him mad.”

If Phinks had felt like being more of an asshole, and if you'd been unpleasant during your conversation with him, he probably would've taken his half-finished beer can and thrown it into the pool just to upset you and also to see if your friend was as scary as you were making him out to be.

But so far he'd been enjoying himself, so as fun as that thought might have been, he decided against it.

You pulled one of your arms off of the rim and back into the water. Evidently you were getting cold, but you held on to the edge to continue speaking to him.

“So how long have you been on your trip?” you asked.

“A few weeks.”

“A few weeks? You must have been all over the place, then. Did you go anywhere in particular?”

“Not really,” Phinks answered, “didn't have any real plan when I set out. Just drove to wherever I thought would be interesting.”

“That's kinda cool,” you said, “must be nice to be able to go wherever you want without any real plan.”

“You can't?”

“Nope. Classes and work means I can't just run off whenever I feel like it.”

“Too busy getting screamed at?” he asked jokingly.

“Yeah, something like that,” you answered, laughing a little after.

You pulled your other arm back underwater and just kept a hand on the side of the wall.

“Cold?” he asked.

“A little.”

“Probably why most people aren't swimming this late.”

“I don't care; it's worth it,” you said, “honestly, the thought of being able to swim was what kept me going this week.”

That.... Was a little bit sad, Phinks thought to himself. That all you had to look forward to at the end of the week was a few hours to swim by yourself in the cold. There were much sadder circumstances in the world – he was certain that anyone from Meteor City would be more than happy to switch places with you – but your life must have felt empty. Although Phinks was technically in the same boat at the moment, at least being with the troupe gave him purpose. What did you have besides a shitty job and presumably a fair amount of college debt? Just the 'little things' to keep you going?

Maybe he was presuming too much; he'd only just met you after all. But it bothered him regardless.

“What are your plans for after college?” he asked.

You seemed a bit startled, and you looked away from him for the first time.

“Not really sure, actually. I'm still undecided on my major,” you admitted, “I need to figure out soon, though. I'm going to run out of the basic coursework that I need to get through, and my family is getting mad that I haven't made a decision yet.”

So you didn't have any direction and were being pressured by others. Still not the saddest circumstance ever, but if it had been him, Phinks was certain he'd have been miserable.

You clearly didn't want to keep going on about that particular subject, as you began to ask him questions about his trip, wanting to know where exactly he had been so far and how much longer he planned to drive for. The change in topics was obvious, but he decided to go along with it.

As the night grew darker while the two of you talked, he decided that he liked you. You could hold a decent conversation, even if the things you two talked about weren't all that meaningful.

You were pretty cute, too.

The party behind him still seemed to be going strong, but it was largely going ignored by you both, in part by the fact that you were still the only ones outside.

Your face lit up as a thought came to mind.

“You should come in!” you told him.

“No thanks.”

“Come on! It's really nice!”

You grabbed at his free hand, tugging on his arm lightly as you tried to encourage him to get into the pool.

“If you get my suit wet I'll drown you,” Phinks said told you.

You giggled, once more not taking him seriously. Though he was only half-serious about it at this point.

“Then take it off and come in,” you insisted.

“I don't have a swimsuit.”

“That doesn't stop most people.

“Good to know,” he said flatly.

Though you'd stopped tugging on his arm, both of your hands remained on his wrist as you looked up at him.

“Can you not swim?” you asked.

“I can swim fine,” he said, “I just don't feel like it right now.”

You seemed a bit disappointed, but you had yet to let go of his wrist.

“Should you really be that surprised with the temperature being what it is?” he asked you.

“It isn't that bad. And the pool is heated,” you insisted, “didn't think a bit of chill would scare off the most interesting person at this party, though.”

The corner of his lips curled a bit at that. He wasn't one for meaningless flattery, but he didn't mind hearing you say things like that.

“Is that why you're not letting go of me?”

“You don't seem to be doing much to shake me off.”

“I could if I wanted to.”

“So you don't want to?”

You were teasing him. And while he could tease you back, he went for a different approach.

He yanked his wrist out of your grip and grabbed your own wrist just as fast, and lifted you up until you were eye level with him. To say you were flustered by the action would've been an understatement, and your free hand grasped at the arm that held you up to lessen the weight on the arm that he had trapped.

With you partially out of the water, Phinks allowed his eyes to travel over your form, following the trails of water that dripped down your skin and imagining exactly what you looked like under that swimsuit. His grin got wider when he saw your body reacting to the cooler temperature and the way your nipples showed through the material. It hadn't been on his mind when he first approached you, but after spending time with you he found himself liking the idea of fooling around with you. Probably not in the house, and he doubted you would want to do anything in the pool due to that friend of yours you had mentioned. Maybe there was some dark corner around here where he could take you to do what he wanted.

You were squirming a little, trying to free yourself from his grip.

“It's cold,” you whined.

“Yep,” was his reply.

“Come on, let go. I'm only in a swimsuit.”

“You weren't letting me go,” he pointed out.

“Yeah, but I didn't pull you into the water.”

“Because you're too weak to do that.”

“That's not fair!”

“Don't think this is a situation where fairness matters, sweetheart.”

With that he let you go, and you dropped back down into the pool. You pushed away from the wall after, giving him a slightly sour look.

“Problem?” he asked.

“It's cold,” you repeated.

He just smirked.

“You're gonna need to deal with it at some point,” he told you.

“Yeah, but I wasn't ready for it then!”

You had to have noticed the way he looked at you, right? There was no way you were so oblivious to have not seen how he had blatantly looked you over. Yet you weren't mentioning it.

By now you were more at the center of the pool, pointedly out of his range.

“You done talking?” Phinks asked.

“No, but I don't want you pulling me out again.”

Then you looked away like you were embarrassed.

It clicked for him. You must have liked it, but you were too shy to say anything about it.

Your reluctance was cute, though Phinks knew he'd get tired of that game pretty fast.

“Come back over,” he told you.

“Why?”

“Because I want you to.”

You shook your head.

“You're going to do that again, right?” you asked.

“Maybe.”

“Then no. I don't wanna get out yet.”

“How long are you gonna stay in there?”

“Until I feel like getting out.”

“And if I want you out of there now?”

“Then you'd have to come in and get me.”

…. Oh

That's what it was.

A ploy by you to get him into the pool.

That's what you had to mean by those words, right?

“.... What the hell,” he said to himself as he stood.

It got your attention when he began to remove his clothing, throwing them over to a few neatly folded articles of clothing that sat next to a bag on the patio, which he assumed belonged to you. You were watching him closely, and he could sense a growing interest in you when he removed his shirt. Your eyes lingered a little when you caught sight of his spider tattoo, but there was no hint that you recognized what it meant, which was preferable.

“Enjoying the show?” he asked.

“You were looking at me earlier,” you answered defensively, “you're not allowed to get mad when I do the same.”

“Didn't say I was mad.”

You acknowledging the way he had looked at you then just reaffirmed in his head that you hadn't minded, and after stripping down to his boxers, Phinks jumped in. The water felt just as nice as you had said, but he didn't take much time to focus on it as he was quick to approach you. Within moments, he had wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in close, lifting you a little so you were at eye level with him. You seemed flustered again, but you didn't make any move to get away, and were resting your hands on his chest.

“I don't think you told me your name,” you whispered to him.

“Phinks.”

“Phinks,” you repeated, smiling afterwards, “I like it. It's cool.”

“Thanks,” he replied, “and how 'bout you?”

You gave him your name, which he also repeated to himself.

“Not as cool as 'Phinks', I guess,” you said.

“It suits you,” he said.

You smiled at him, then shifted slightly in his grip.

“Are you just gonna keep holding me?”

“You said I needed to come in and get you.”

“And what did you want to 'get' me for?”

Despite the question, you clearly had an idea of what Phinks was after as you began to move in closer to him. Phinks did the same, and slowly, the gap between the two of you was closed as your lips met together in a kiss.

With the heavy scent of pool chemicals that surrounded you two, it was hard to smell much else, but your lips were soft against his. The kiss was a bit tame for his liking, but he let you do what you wanted for now as you readjusted your arms so they were wrapped around his neck.

One of his hands slid down your back to reach down and squeeze your ass, and you gasped into the kiss. He slipped his tongue into your mouth for a brief moment before you pulled away, your hand over your mouth as you looked away in embarrassment.

“I'm not sure we should do much more here,” you said, glancing up at the house behind him, “there are people watching. I'm not into that.”

“Where do you wanna go?” he asked. It didn't surprise him much that you two might have attracted an audience, and when he heard the door to the patio open from behind him, he chose to ignore it.

“I don't think we'll get much privacy here, so how about my place?” you asked.

“Do you usually bring home strangers?”

“Only the really cool ones.”

He grinned.

You were leaning in to kiss him again when you suddenly froze and turned your attention to something behind Phinks.

“Don't do that!” you yelled.

Phinks turned his head just in time to see his and your clothes land in the water, with the guy who'd invited him – Stu, he remembered – pointing and laughing after having thrown them. The annoying woman from earlier, the one who had whined at him for his can of beer, was also there, standing behind Stu and running off with him towards the gate in the fence.

Phinks saw red.

He let you go and swiftly exited the pool, following after the two even as the chill of the night air nipped at his skin. He barely felt it, and he didn't give a shit that he was running around barefoot either. All of his focus was on catching up to those two assholes who'd dumped his clothes in the pool.

He was angry enough that he didn't notice the sound of feet following after him.

The two perpetrators were in an alleyway between two rows of houses, drunkenly laughing their asses off. Their demeanor didn't change when Phinks caught up to them. The woman actually began to laugh harder, probably because Phinks was still wearing only his boxers.

Stu was trying to contain himself a bit, and put his hands up as an offering of peace.

“Hey man, it wasn't anything personal. Just a prank,” he said, “you can use the dryer, and I'll lend you some clothes-”

His sentence was cut off when Phinks grabbed both sides of his head and twisted it completely around, the cracking of his broken neck ringing out in the empty alley.

The sight of Stu falling to the ground with his head facing the wrong way had the woman instantly sober up, and she looked to Phinks as she opened her mouth to scream.

Barely a whisper of sound was able to escape as he did the same thing to her, and now Phinks was standing half-naked in an alley with two dead bodies.

“Obnoxious fucking people,” he muttered to himself.

Then there was noise that came from behind him.

Phinks turned and saw the other guy who'd been at the gas station on the ground, his arms barely supporting himself as his eyes were wide at the sight of his friends dead before him.

His eyes widened even further when he spotted the spider on Phinks' ribs, clearly recognizing what it meant as he whispered “oh my god.”

Make that three bodies, Phinks thought to himself as he rushed forward to snap his neck as well.

Three bodies that he needed to get rid of. If anyone else from the party came out here and found them, the police would be called immediately. He had no intentions of staying here any longer, but it'd be best to put a bit of distance between himself and the crime scene before the police were inevitably called.

He was dragging the other guy by his ankles and in the process of collecting the woman's body when someone walked out into the alley through one of the other entrances. An older woman, who was definitely not from the party and had come from another house, carrying a bag of trash walked out in front of Phinks, and like the guy right before, her eyes grew wide as she saw the sight of the dead before her.

She made a move to run back to her house, but Phinks picked up a pebble that he infused with nen and launched it at her head. It traveled through her skull and the fencing beside her, and blood sprayed out from the exit wound and splattered onto the fence as well as she fell to the ground.

This was turning into a goddamn mess, and after Phinks had thrown now four bodies over into a different backyard, he heard a voice calling out “mom?” from the direction that the woman with the trash bag had come from.

Fuck this. He needed to go.

When he returned to the backyard to retrieve his clothes, he found you on the patio. You were holding his jacket over the concrete, desperately trying to wring out the water that had soaked it completely. You were visibly shivering as you did so, with goosebumps running up your arms and your teeth chattering. He noticed his pants hanging off the fence that surrounded the patio, and while they weren't dry by any means, you had clearly done your best to get the water out of them. Meanwhile your own clothes laid in a soggy heap by your equally soaked bag.

You noticed him when he walked closer.

“I'm sorry,” you told him. You looked guilty for some reason.

“You didn't do it,” Phinks said, considerably calmer now.

“No. But I made a big deal about you getting in with me, and with Stu around I should've been paying attention. I'm really, really sorry.”

He was about to tell you to stop apologizing when he heard a shout coming from the direction of the alleyway.

Fuck. He forgot that he needed to leave.

Luckily you were the only one who noticed, as the rest of the party goers still had the doors and windows securely shut. He pulled on his pants and his sopping wet tank top, and the sensation of wearing those wet clothes was just as unpleasant as he had anticipated. At least his shoes were still dry.

You were still holding his jacket, looking confused as you looked off in the direction where you'd heard that voice. Phinks was about to just take it from you and leave, but when he looked you over again, he thought over the things you two had talked about, the things you had said and how you'd acted around him, and he came to a split second decision.

Grabbing your clothes and bag, he shoved them into your hands before he grabbed one of your arms and pulled you after him. You seemed startled, but you didn't question him as you were too surprised to think of anything to say. He led you out through the backyard and down to where he had parked his car, opening the passenger side door and pushing you inside. He then walked around to the driver's side, and within moments you both were speeding out of the neighborhood.

By the time he came to the highway there was a strong smell of pool chemicals that filled the car, and both of the front seats were slowly soaking up the excess water that dripped off of the two of you.

You seemed to be in a mild state of shock, as you had yet to say anything. You just sat in your still wet swimsuit looking rather confused while you still held onto the soaked clothing Phinks had forced onto you.

After a while you shuddered and finally spoke up.

“Do you think you could turn up the heat?” you asked him.

“Oh. Sure. Sorry.”

Phinks turned the heat up all the way, and after a few moments you seemed to relax a bit, though now you were glancing over at him while smiling nervously.

“Uh, so, there's a lot that I should probably be questioning,” you began, “but I'll start with if you knew why there was yelling?”

Should he lie? No, that might be weird if he pretended not to know.

“I punched that guy in the face. I think I broke his nose,” he told you, “that was likely his friend after he saw him.”

“Ah. Okay,” you said, “that's..... Not very good, but I think I get why you did that. You're gonna get charged with assault, though.”

Fat chance.

“I'll deal with that when I come to that,” he answered, “sorry if I put you in a tough position.”

“It's okay. Well, not really. But Stu's pranks have always been pretty bad and what he did was shitty, so I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“Think you can forgive me?”

“... Yeah, I think so. Just promise you won't do anything like that again.”

“I promise.”

“Okay,” you said as you nodded, “so second question: where are we going?”

“.... Not sure. Didn't have much of a plan besides getting out of there and going back to what I was doing,” Phinks admitted.

“So you're just back to driving around going wherever?”

“Seems like it.”

“Why did you bring me along?” you asked.

“.... Didn't want that to be the last time I saw you,” he said.

“Oh.....”

His answer ended up making you flustered again, and while you did seem to be holding some reservations about him with his admission of violence and the fact that he really had just kidnapped you, he could see you rationalizing everything in your mind and convincing yourself that this wasn't all that bad.

It was preferable if you did that. It made taking you with him a lot easier.

“Luckily for me I don't work tomorrow,” you said, “and since the day after that is Sunday and the campus store isn't open then, I also have that day off. So I think it's okay if I drive around with you for a bit. Just get me back by Sunday night, alright?”

“Don't worry. I'll get you back safe and sound,” he told you, and you visibly relaxed at his words.

You were a little naive, a little too trusting. But that was fine. Phinks liked that about you.

“Okay so third question,” you announced as you looked down at the wet clothes in your lap, “what should we do about this?”

“Right. Let me pull over.”

He stopped the car beneath a streetlight, and you sat sideways on the passengers seat while you held the clothes out of the car and wrung the water out of them as best you could. Phinks took the opportunity to change after you handed him his jacket, and he threw the mostly damp clothes in the backseat.

Glancing over at you, he did appreciate how much your swimsuit showed off while you tried to dry out your own clothes. But while he liked the idea of you staying as you were for the rest of the trip, you probably wouldn't be as big of a fan of that. Going over to his trunk once more, he dug around through his bag before he found what he was looking for.

“I don't have anything that will fit you well,” Phinks said as he made his way over to you, “but this should cover you up.”

What he handed you was the long white robe he wore on occasion, usually for combat or missions.

You seemed a bit surprised when you saw it, but you accepted it gratefully. Your gaze went to the jeweled eye that hung near the neck of the garment, and he heard you mumble about it being pretty.

He wondered briefly what you might think of the snake headpiece he usually wore with it, but the time for that would come later as you were currently slipping his robe over your head.

“Thank you,” you told him again as you threw your clothing in the back as well.

Then your attention went to your bag, and you frowned.

“What's wrong?”

In response to his question, you tilted your bag to the side and water began to pour out of it.

“Ah.”

“How much do you wanna bet that my phone is dead?” you asked as you reached inside.

As was expected, your phone screen stayed black when you hit the power button, and you sighed.

“And that's phone number three that Stu has destroyed.”

“Don't worry. It won't happen again,” he told you.

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

You tossed the now useless phone into your bag and looked back up to him as if to say “so what now?”

Phinks had an idea for that.

“Wanna go to a motel?”

“A motel? Wow, you sure know how to treat someone,” you said sarcastically.

“You really think I can get you into a nice hotel with you looking like that? You don't even have shoes,” he said.

“I didn't get a chance to grab them,” you responded, though you seemed to concede a bit.

“Could we stop somewhere tomorrow so I can get shoes or something?”

“I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe if that's what you want.”

You laughed at that, shaking your head and saying that you didn't need that.

Before too long, Phinks was back in the drivers seat while you watched the streetlights as the car passed them by, your fingers idly playing with the jewel on his robes as you did so. He had turned down the heat and turned on the radio, and though it still felt strange to be sitting in the wet seats, it wasn't bothering either of you as much anymore. The smell from the pool was mostly gone after driving a bit with the windows opened just a crack.

Except for the occasional car that drove in the opposite direction, you were the only ones on the highway.

“How far are you gonna drive?” you eventually asked.

He wanted to get out of the state at least. Phinks didn't want to deal with a confrontation with the law while also taking you along with him. He wanted to get as far as he could while you were still cooperative, and whenever you realized that there was no chance he'd be taking you back, he'd go to more extreme measures of keeping you with him. Your phone being dead was a good thing for him; you wouldn't be able to try and get help as easily.

“I think we've passed by three or four motels already,” you added, “was there something wrong with them?”

“No. Sorry. I got a bit distracted,” Phinks replied, “I've come to really like the highway at night. There's something soothing about it, I guess. Wanted to stay like this for a bit longer.”

You nodded in response and looked back out the window, your fingers still playing with the jeweled eye.

“Can I borrow your phone at some point tomorrow? I need to call someone just so everyone back home knows I'm okay. Don't want them to worry,” you said to him.

“Sure,” he said.

Arguing with you over that would seem strange. He'd just need to avoid that subject tomorrow.

He noticed when you yawned.

“Getting tired?” he asked.

“A little,” you said, laughing a little as you added, “this wasn't how I was expecting my night to go.”

“Same here.”

“I hope you decide to stop soon. I might not be up for it tonight if you're planning on continuing where we left off at the pool when we reach that motel.”

“That's fine. We'll have all day tomorrow, right?”

His words made you embarrassed again, and you shyly answered with a yes as you smiled to yourself.

So that was the plan, then. Drive as far as he could tonight, fuck your brains out tomorrow, then get away further before you figured things out. You would likely object, not liking the idea of being taken away from everything you'd ever known. But he was certain that after spending enough time with him, you'd prefer it. Your current life wasn't any good, but he was prepared for you to not understand that at first. And if he needed to tie you up and shove you into the trunk to keep you compliant, he could do that. Seemed like a pretty fool-proof plan.

You were yawning again.

“Get some sleep if you need to,” he said, “I'll wake you up when I find a place I like.”

You nodded. Soon after he saw you settling back into the seat and closing your eyes as you attempted to get some rest.

He liked the sight of you next to him, sitting in his clothes while you nodded off in his car. And when he turned his attention back to the empty highway, he was once again hit with the feeling like he was the only one in the world. A feeling that only came with seeing an area that was typically full of people seem completely abandoned.

But this time, though, he wasn't alone.