#<- that's like germaphobe but talking because my name is germ

[plulp]

@definegood in remys farm during one of the experiments harper gives you a pink liquid to drink and you can hold it in your mouth and spit it back into his when he goes for a kiss i think? i can't remember it entirely but i think that's the gist of it!

[sadistic-kiss]

Nanami Knows Best

What's Best

Nanami is tired of your poor choice of men so he takes matters into his own hands. 

TAGS: Dubious Consent, Knife Play, Degrading, Dacryphilia, Bondage, Praise

Genre: Some Angst, Dark Romance, Possessive, Obssessive 

Yandere/Slasher Nanami x Reader

****************************************************

Your giggles tickle Nanami’s ears like little bell chimes. He always enjoyed it when you laughed or smiled. It made him feel warm. However, he wasn't feeling that sweet delight that squeezed his heart… not right now. Right now he was feeling irritated. Pissed. All because he wasn't the cause of such a beautiful laugh, no it was the mouth breather who had his arm slung around your shoulder. 

“Guys this is Mahito.” You introduced the bluette to the group with an excited chirp.

"Sup!"

Jerk number five. 

“Nice to meet you Mahito~.” Gojo shook the man’s hand as he greeted each person.

“So you're the guy I've been hearing so much about?” Shoko winked.

“I hope all good things.” Mahito looked toward you with a smirk. 

“Of course!” You shimmy into him playfully. “You're my perfect man~.”

Your newest boyfriend. 

After rounding the table the man reached his weird stitched hand toward him. Where did you find this one out of the mental hospital? He disregarded his hand giving him a nod instead. “Nanami.” 

“Oo~ Nanami is a bit weird with germs.” you whispered quickly trying to ease the tension between them. He wasn't weird with germs but he allowed you to think that so he didn't have to physically interact with waste. 

“No worries! Germaphobe Kento huh?” 

“Nanami.”he corrected.

“I heard so much about you!” the drunk disrespectful bastard continued, “Heard you were real smart and all, a true brainy guy. Like the big-headed kid from the cartoons uuuuh...” he began to snap his fingers, “John- Josh-”

”Jimmy Neutron!” you laughed as the two of you busted up in a cackle. 

“Yeaaah! Jimmy Neutron!”

Nanami let out a short snort as he sipped his drink. The table giggled in drunken fun. After that little joke, he allowed everyone else to talk. Mahito would pick on him but he never bit back. Never took the obvious bait. Nanami was quiet, always had been. You learn more about someone by watching them closely. People were like open books, you just needed to know how to read them. 

Nanami likes to observe, and as he scrutinized your new boy toy he wanted to roll his eyes. He truly wasn't impressed with this one. The rest of the table seemed fine with him but that's because they were too oblivious to see how textbook this whole thing was. It always started like… this. The cute little honeymoon phase where you introduce the new guy to your friends and they gush and get excited for you. Where you ignore all the obvious red flags and let them slap you in the face. 

It was pitiful honestly. 

The guy could say anything and you'd give him whatever. Money, time, ass, your damn dignity. Just like the rest of them. You let these deadbeats in and they take and take from you until you have nothing more to give and when they leave you broken and crying you run to Shoko. Last time, Shoko was away so you had called him. 

You cried and cried and vowed to never do this to yourself again- he truly believed you yet look at you now. You silly... silly girl. You always do this don't you? It's like you can't help it. You were a smart woman. No debt, great credit score, graduated college early, paid for all your things, and shine in your career. You worked really hard to get to where you were. Summer classes, extra credit, internships, volunteering, you name it. You built yourself up and now you were letting homeless idiots break you down. You were booksmart but you were not street smart. 

Unfortunately, you followed the very trope of- good girl dates bad guy. You think you can change them huh? Give them a place to crash when the go on a drug binge and as they steal your money and lie to you you just nod and smile thinking you see the good in them. When were you going to grow out of it? Aren't you too old for this? Whatever happened to 'fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me? What the hell is fool me five times? 

Clearly, you were sick in the head to be going down this same path again for the fifth time. 

More sick than he was, and that was really saying something. He wiped the earth with scum bags like your shitty boyfriends. He even enjoyed doing it. However, he was an honest man to himself and his disturbing hobbies.

He enjoyed killing but it was best when done to someone that he felt was a waste of oxygen. 

He wasn't a sociopath- he was a psychopath. There was a difference. He had his little morals. He didn't like killing those who didn't deserve it. Only people who thought they could shit on the world with no consequences. Cocky bastards… much like all the men you seem to be a magnet for.

So, as he watches you with yet another dirtbag, he begins to wonder how delightful it would be to cut this one's life short. Just like he did with all your other poor choices. You just didn't get it. Couldn't see what they truly were. You always joked about your third eye but you were blind to these things that were lesser than men. They didn't deserve you, but you keep picking them up.

Was it your daddy issues? Mommy issues? Both?

Nanami truly thought the time he spent with you crying after your last breakup would have sparked something within you. He was a model man. Everything opposite of the strays you take in off the street. If anything you should have seen how perfect he was for you. How much better he could treat you. Jealous? He wouldn't quite say that. He was more...how should he say...disappointed. He would have felt much better if you came into this bar with a man who was more his status or at least someone who had a higher IQ than a fifth grader.

"ALRIGHT! LET'S GET THIS TRIVIA GAME STARTED!" 

Speaking of iQ, he can't wait to see how many questions this one gets wrong. The last one was 8/10 for questions wrong- not right. He got only two answers. Will this one be a knockout? 

The announcer yelled into the mic making the crowd cheer and holler as they raised their glass into the air excited to start the game. 

Mahito elbowed him in the side, "Win this one for us aye Jimmy Neutron."

Nanami's lip twitched as he gave him a half smile. At that moment your boyfriend sealed his fate. Hammering the last nail into his coffin. Who was he kidding, he nailed it in when he decided to date you.

~

You swayed and giggled as Mahito helped you into your house. 

"Careful babe." He caught you before you could slip and eat your stone steps.

"Sorry sorry~ I had one too many margaritas!" You hold on to him as you kick your stilettos off your feet. You were already home so you didn't mind going barefoot the rest of the way. 

Climbing up your stairs you dug into your purse to grab your keys with jingly accessories upon them. You open the door and lean against it letting your guest in. You smiled at him while he turned the lamp on. You had such a fun night and you felt something was so different about this one. Your friends even liked him. Though they were pissed he got some questions wrong- easy ones-matter of fact you don't think he answered anything correctly- despite that! You still felt it was a good night. Closing the door behind you, you stalk over to him and throw your arms around his neck.

"Ooo~I know that look, did I do good tonight?"

You smiled with a flirtatious flutter of your lashes, "Yes~ Yes you did." You reach on your tiptoes as you kiss him, nearly making him tip over the couch.

Mahito hummed wrapping his arms around your hips, about to take this to the next level but his phone began to ring. He pulled back from you with a peck, "Ah~" He hissed looking at his phone, "Give me a minute work is calling." 

You pout giving him puppy eyes, "This late at night? Can't you let it ring?" You reach for him again but he untangles your arms from around him with a light chuckle. 

"I'm always on call, you know how business is. Go wait for me." He smacked your ass while walking toward the door.

"Don't take long!" You giggle running to your room to put something sexy on.

Mahito stepped out onto your porch, answering the phone. "Hey baby?"

"When are you coming over~"

"I can't tonight, I gotta..." He looked around while licking his lip, "Do a late-night delivery."

Nanami was listening as he hid in the dark, your new boyfriend spoke to what he had deduced was another girl... or boy. Whatever the case it was clear he was cheating on you and then lying to both of you. Well, the guy just made this a whole lot easier. Guess that was the one perk of you dating trash, it was easy to get rid of.

Once the call came to an end Nanami made his move. Mahito opened the door when he caught the man around his neck with his knife and then dragged him in with a hand clasped over his lips. Nanami shut the door with his back, leaning against it while he held the dying gurgling man. His eyes were wide as they looked upon him in shock. 

"She deserves better than you." Nanami made sure to send the man to the afterlife with his stone-cold eyes as the last thing he saw. He watched an arrangement of emotions flicker across before Mahito went still. He wished he could have basked in his taunting screams like the others but this was new. He has never done… this. In your house. About to confront you. He thought it was about time you truly opened your third eye and saw reality. 

Nanami dragged the man with him as he walked toward your room, pausing in the hallway mirror. He adjusted his bloody jacket and combed his blonde hair back with his fingers, flashing his teeth to make sure nothing was in them. When he was satisfied he knocked on your door with two sharp taps.

"Come in~" You called from inside.

He twisted the knob and pushed it, allowing the door to swing open the rest of the way.

You had a smile on your face, sitting in bed wearing a see-through baby doll gown. When you realized it was him and not the garbage man, your expression morphed into horror.

"N-Nanami!" You scurried up on your knees with your mouth wide open. Eyes darting to the body that he was pulling into your room. He plopped down on your bed with a tired sigh, flicking out his handkerchief as if he had just gotten off of work. 

You open your lips wide about to scream but he grabs your calf while holding the knife to his lips, "Don't. I've already had a long night with your one-brain cell boyfriend." He let go of you before he snorted to himself, "Sorry, your ex." Using his white handkerchief he began to wipe his bloody knife with smooth delicacy.

"Why-why Nanami?!"

"He was trash sweetheart. All of them were."

"A-all? Wh-what are you talking about?"

"Every single one you pick." He looked at you like a disappointed father. "I'm about sick of it. It’s obvious you're too stupid to realize it. Letting these leeches into your life. At some point, you'd think you were enjoying it! How about that? Do you enjoy being treated like crap? Enjoy letting pigs treat your home like a sty they can smoke their crack pipe at?"

Your lip trembled as you watched him clean his knife, "A-are you going to k-kill me?"

Nanami shook his head in disbelief as he scratched some blood off the steel, did you not listen to a word he just said? Honestly, sometimes you can be so dense. You’re lucky you’re cute. "No, I'm not going to kill you sweetheart." He looked up at you just in time to see your eyes land on your phone that was plugged into the charger. He saw the way you nervously gulped before looking at him. 

He raised a blonde brow at you. Were you really about to-

You dashed for your phone but he was quicker. He lunged forward and slapped the device across the room but you took that moment to pick up your lamp and toss it at him. He growled, blocking it with his arm, the glass cutting him. You released a scream while running. You barely jumped over the lump of flesh on the ground before he caught you by your hair and yanked you back into the room. 

“Ah! HELP HELP ME!”

"Enough!" He yelled at you as he wrestled you onto your bed.

You kicked and screamed as he quickly got you under control. He shoved his handkerchief into your mouth and grabbed your hands together with one hand. Swiftly he unbuckled his pants with one hand and yanked it out of the loop to tie around your wrist and the bedpost. He yanked on it making sure it was tight, and to be double sure you weren't getting out he jiggled your arm, searching for any open space. He then sat on the side of your bed with a release of air. Glancing at his forearm he picked out pieces of your lamp from his skin and tossed it to the floor. 

“Tch- ". He pulled out the last piece looking at you. 

Your sniffling and choked sobs are what caught his attention. He couldn't help how absolutely beautiful you looked even with precious tears streaming down your cheeks. He cooed as he took out the bloody handkerchief, from your mouth. "What's wrong sweetheart? Why are you crying?"

"Are you..." You gawked at him before giving him an angry stern look. "Y-You killed Mahito!"

Nanami scoffed leaning over the bed so he could pick up Mahito's phone. "Ah, your boyfriend?" He typed in the easy password that he had seen the leech put in. 6969. Fucking childish. He then went to his text message to girlfriend number two and flipped it over to show you. "What do you see?"

You gasped at the text messages, and nude pictures being sent between the two. Mahito said dirty things about the girl as she reciprocated the flirting. You snapped your head away too distraught to see such a thing. 

The blonde grabbed your cheeks, turning your head so you could look at the evidence. "What do you see?" He asked again more sternly. 

You sniffed, "I see I see!"

"What! Do you see?"

"I SEE THE NUDE PICTURES!" You cried with more hot tears bubbling in your orbs.

"What's the date?"

"T-Today! It's- it's today...." You began to cry as Nanami moved the phone from your face. Your boyfriend is dead, the guy you saw as a friend killed him, and now you found out you were being cheated on- was there anything else to bury you in? This was all too much! You were sobbing now, choking on your saliva and trying to sniffle so you could breathe, but it was so hard to breathe. 

Nanami pet your cheek with the back of his knuckles. "There you go... good girl let it all out...it's okay." 

"I-I'm sorry N-Nanami you are r-right- why does this happen to me..." You cried through your words hoping to pull on sympathy strings.

Nanami kissed you on your forehead as he spoke more to himself than anything. "You just can't help yourself sweetheart it's not your fault..." He moved to kiss your wet cheek. "I'll make sure it never happens again."

His words made your eyes widen along with his lips connecting with your own. 

"HM!" You tensed up shutting your eyes tight, your hands jerked to push him away but his belt didn't let up. What the hell does he think he's doing!? His lips slotted into yours as he shifted on top of you. You felt his tongue touch you and, you let it slip in your mouth. He moaned as he licked your tongue but then you clamped your teeth making him rear back in shock.

"Mm..."He touched his bloodied tongue. Surprised to see the red liquid on his fingers. "You bit me." He stated matter of factly. 

"Don't touch me!" You spat his blood at him. "You're a murderer! 

He was calm and then he wasn't. He grabbed your face pressing his fingers into your cheeks as he shook your head back and forth. "I know what I am darling but do you know what you are?"

You did your best to glare at him as you mewled in discomfort, your cheeks being pressed into your eyes. You weren't even able to answer his question, but he did.

"You're a dirty little whore that can't go one single day without being fucked."

You gasp in shock.

"Oh don't do that. You get dumped by one man you're looking for the next to warm your bed. How long did you know this one? Less than a month? How long did it take you before you were throwing on this slutty outfit that you wear for every man?" He flicked the fabric for emphasis.

You felt your chest squeeze in pain as your resolve began to decay, you didn't expect him to be so mean- hell you didn't expect any of this from kind sweet Nanami Kento! It was like a whole new person was above you. Nanami rolled his eyes at you, "Nothing hm...figures." He dragged his other hand over your body until he reached in between your legs. You gasp feeling him slide two digits against your slit. "You only think with this don't you?"

"What-what are you-ah!" You flinch feeling him slip into you. You were so ashamed by how your body fluttered around the intrusion.

"This is all you can think about hm?" Nanami leaned his head so he could watch the pleasure flicker across your confused eyes.

"Y-You're wrong!"

"Give it a break. You don't want them because they treat you like a princess, you certainly don't want them for money." His fingers curled inside you, rubbing on something delightful. "You just use them for the sex and allow them to do the same to you. Why else do you think all your choices are terrible?"

"S-Stop!" You snatched your face from his fingers, your legs quivering as you let out a tight groan. The way he thrust and curled inside of you was causing your body to betray you. It shouldn't feel this good. "Ah~!" You try to jerk your hands from its binds but you only end up with shaft wrists.

"I can take care of you and more..." He pressed his thumb to your clit, your hips flinched. "Ah~" Nanami grinned, "Did you like that?"

"N-No!" You shout at him but he began to circle your clit expertly. "-Ah~" You bit your lip turning away from him.

He chuckled, "Now now, there's no need to lie...I can feel you clenching around me, go ahead and cum, it's what you want to do."

You squeezed your eyes tight denying this reality, doing your best to escape mentally. You didn't want to feel all this pleasure, but it was too difficult to ignore. From the blonde's taunting words in your ear and the squelch of your wet cunt you knew you were done for. 

You felt something cold touch your neck, it was the knife he used on Mahito, "Look at me. I want to see you when you squirt on me like the slut you are."

You kept your face away but you opened your eyes to glare at him from the side. The knife bites into your flesh like a mere paper cut.

He gave you a sort of soft smile, "You can enjoy it as much as you like, don't be ashamed sweetheart." 

It pissed you off how sweet he sounded. How those simple words sent shivers and butterflies. This man you thought was a friend was a damn killer! Yet you could feel the growing build-up of your orgasm. You began to shake your head trying to pull yourself away from those dangerous hands. 

"N-no no! Stop!"

"Stop? Why would I stop when you are so close my dear? Don't tell me you don't want to cum?"

"Ah-N-no no! I don't want to-mm-" You grit your teeth trying to hold yourself back.

Nanami chuckled low at you, "Sweetheart don't be so stubborn. Come on and be a good girl. Cum for me." His movements didn't let up and even though you did your best to fight, it was inevitable.

You came with a scream, hips lifting as you squirt upon this killer's hand. You felt good and then immediately regret. How could you cum...so much?

"Good girl..." Nanami used the knife to cut off your thin lingerie. "We are going to need to throw this one out my dear, I'll get you a new one. Just for me."

What? He was insane- You had no time to stew in that statement because he pulled his pants low enough to release his large leaking cock.

"N-Nanami!" You were shocked to see how blessed he was. "W-Wait! I-I can't!"

"Yes, I'm aware none of your boyfriends were as big as I am." The blonde pushed your legs up and pressed his tip to your cunt. "Gojo said that they oozed little dick energy and I am quite displeased with you darling, you couldn't even be a slut properly."

You let out a cry as he pushed into you, stretching you around his cock. Tears streaming down your cheeks, making the man moan. He loved seeing you cry. You found that out when you cried to him about your last boyfriend. You didn't want to believe he was hard because of your tears but now you could see- it turned him own.

 Nanami moaned deeply as he kissed the corner of both of your eyes, rolling his hips until he was fully inside you. More tears seemed to pour free, like a never-ending stream. You cried out of frustration- you cried for your dead exes and you cried because the bloody monster above you was making you feel unbelievably good. You hated how he slid in and out of you with no pain- you wish it hurt- you wished you weren't enjoying it.

"It's okay darling. "Nanami cooed sweetly. Let it all out. Cry as much as you want," He snapped his hips faster as you bit back your pleasurable moans. Your bed rocked as he fucked you into it. The psycho blonde talking to you. "They didn't deserve you-mm. None of them..." He panted. 

"N-Nanami~" You began to play into the pleasure, letting it take your moans. Maybe you could speed up this process. You circled your legs around him allowing him to get deeper. Soon your moans weren't 'fake' they were quite real. "Oh~ You feel so good! Ah~Please cum in me!" You cried.

Nanami saw right through your charade, if you thought he was cumming alone you were wrong. He pulled out of you so he could flip you onto your stomach, your arms awkwardly crossed in their binds.

He reentered you making your back arach, "AH!"

"Mm~ I know how much you love being treated like a slut. Beg for it." He slapped your ass as he fucked you from behind.

 Holy shit- 

Your eyes rolled while you moaned deeply. "Oh~P-Please Nanam!"

"Who do you belong to?"

"AH~" 

He slapped your ass again getting much more aggressive as he pulled on your hips and bounced you on his cock. 

"YOUR'S I'M YOUR SLUT PLEASE!" You'd like to say you were still playing along but as he grabbed your breast and smacked your ass like an alleyway whore you may have had a very real very intense orgasm. "Oh fuck-!" You hiss as you came, throwing your hips back so you could feel every part of him. He was long and thick and hit all the right places. Places you never even knew needed to be touched. 

Nanami quickly slipped out of you before you could milk him for all he's worth but once you settled he thrust right back inside, making you scream again. 

"I know my little whore needs more orgasms than two...don't worry... I'll make sure you are more than satisfied."

Trued to his damn word he made sure you were a panting mess by the end of the night. You could barely open your eyes as he finished, shooting his cum all over your face. Marking you with his seed. Despite the messy goop on you he grabbed your chin and kissed you deeply, slipping his tongue inside your mouth. Demanding you to submit to him. You didn't bite him this time, much too physically and mentally exhausted to do so.

Separating from your lips with a light smack he rubbed your chin sweetly, "Good girl, you took me so well."  

You weakly look at him with a pitiful, "Please release my hands..."

He reached up for his belt and loosened it for your arms to go free. You let out a breath of relief. Before you could rub your wrist Nanami grabbed them and massaged them for you. It was silent in your bedroom...until Mahito's phone dinged. Picking up the device, the blonde snorted and showed you the screen. It was yet another girl your dead ex was fooling around with. Girlfriend number three. You rolled your eyes looking away making Nanami laugh.

"It's not funny..." You muttered.

He pinched your cheek playfully, "Don't pout so much my sweet girl, I'll take care of you. I promise I won't let anyone else hurt you ever again. You are mine and I am yours."

"What if it's you... hurting me..." You blinked looking at his deep brown eyes.

He gave you a charming smile, "I said...anyone else...I do what's best for you." He cupped your cheek, "Because you don't know any better. I do. I know what's best."

You swallowed a harsh lump as reality became all too real. He was a lunatic and wasn't going to let you go. You didn't realize you were crying until he had moved for you.

"Shh...I'm here..." He scooped you up so he could hold you. Just over the mattress, you could see Mahito, lifeless and on the floor, but the whispering from the man behind you was both eerie and soothing at the same time. "I'm here now my sweet girl, let me worry about everything."

~Commission from anonymous ~

https://ko-fi.com/c/a12d45af4a

[hawks-supremacy]

Golden Swirls

summary: when Sakusa's sister told him how people found their soulmates, he was disgusted. or at least until he found his.

pairing: sakusa x reader

genre: fluff and angst

word count: 3.2k

a/n: i finished this a week ago but didn't like it so i completely redid it. i also tried to write in 3rd pov which i don't think i'll do again, i'll probably just stick to 2nd pov but i wanted to try something new! anyway i hope you enjoy!

Sakusa Kiyoomi didn’t consider himself a germaphobe. Even though his cousin, Komori Motoya, liked to say he was, he still wouldn’t consider himself one. Although he said it in a joking manner it still made him think, do other people see him like that? He didn’t mind sitting or laying on the floor to do his stretches before practice, and dirt outside didn’t bother him much either. It was just other people and their germs that he didn’t care for. He doesn’t know where people have been or who could potentially be in the beginning stages of a cold and not know it. He was cautious around people, and bigger crowds made him nervous.

So when Sakusa learned about soulmates and how people found theirs at the age of 8 he was a little grossed out. What he remembers from the story his older sister told him was that everyone in the world has a soulmate, and the way you find yours was that when you made contact with your soulmate, the area you touched each other would light up in a sort of golden color. She told stories about how people would go around and try to touch everyone they thought could be their soulmate.

That’s what Sakusa thought was gross, trying to touch every single person on the off chance that they're your soulmate. Maybe it’s because he was always sick as a kid and that’s why he didn’t like the idea of other people’s germs. So as he grew up and saw people leaving gentle touches on the arms of everyone they met he couldn’t help but curl his lip in disgust. It wasn’t like Sakusa never wanted to find his soulmate, but he didn’t like the idea of people invading his personal space to find out.

High School for Sakusa was difficult, even though Motoya constantly told him he was a bit brash and abrasive that didn’t stop people from wanting to see if they were his soulmate. He managed to dodge nearly everyone who tried but occasionally there’d be a few who snuck in there with disappointed stares as their touch didn’t cause the warm golden glow signalling that they were soulmates.

Now Sakusa was a professional volleyball player for the MSBY Black Jackals and dodging the fleeting touches of fans only seemed to get harder the longer he was in the spotlight. He watched from a distance as his teammates shook hands and hugged every fan that approached them, watched as the shoulders of fans slumped at the lack of gold in their touch. Watched as fans jealously stared when his captain Meian Shugo found his soulmate in the crowded court after a game.

He had just left the locker rooms and glanced in the gym to see another crowd of fans desperately trying to see if they were one of the team member’s soulmates, another crowd of fans disappointed when the outcome they were hoping for didn’t happen. “You’re not soulmate searching in the crowd of fans?” He glanced over, startled at the sudden voice next to him. He wasn’t used to the new presence quite yet.

L/n Y/n was the new manager of the Black Jackals, having started less than a month ago. They had already begun to learn everyone’s mannerisms and habits, knowing that Sakusa was one to avoid the crowds and interviews after games, opting to keep to himself. They knew that everyone else on the team had no issues meeting the fans and finding out if their soulmates were in the crowd much like Meian’s was.

Sakusa didn’t know a lot about Y/n, but they knew quite a bit about him just from observing their practices and games. Sakusa wasn’t sure if their views on soulmates matched his, if they also thought that the act of having to touch every person in hopes of finding “the one” was odd and not appealing. He wasn’t sure if they had simply just found their soulmate already and didn’t need to bother with everyone else. What he did know was that they kept their distance at practices.

Y/n always greeted everyone from a distance when they entered the gym for practices or before their games had started. When they brought their water bottles they set them on the bench rather than handing them to everyone on the team. When the team was gathering to talk about play strategies they would be sat at the bench, close enough to listen, always jotting things down on their clipboard. To Sakusa Kiyoomi, L/n Y/n was an enigma.

They were someone who kept to themselves, never getting too close to anyone else. On the occasion that they went out for dinner after games that the team had won and felt proud of, they always sat at the end of the table, never saying many words. They were quiet and soft spoken when they did speak. Giving gentle reminders or suggestions to the team. Even though they were quiet and kept to themself they still managed to become friends with almost everyone on the team.

They exchanged excited words with Bokuto as they exchanged stories from when they were in their high school years. They gave friendly but stern scoldings to Atsumu as he did something he knew he shouldn’t have, like swinging from the bars in the gym just because Hinata made a bet that he couldn’t. They gave silent smiles as they listened to Hinata enthusiastically shout sound effects as he described his favorite volleyball plays. They gave Sakusa words of encouragement while still keeping their distance because they knew that people he didn’t really know made him uncomfortable. But Sakusa didn’t know much about Y/n.

So as he looked down at them sitting on the floor across from the back entrance to the gym, waiting for him to answer their question, he wasn’t sure how to approach the conversation. “Or have you already found your soulmate?” They asked after Sakusa still hadn’t responded to their first question. “Uh no I haven’t found mine, have you?” He finally responded as he lowered himself to the ground, still a good distance away from them. They shook their head as they kept their eyes closed and their head leaning against the cold tile wall of the hallway. “Why are you sitting on the floor?” Sakusa asked after a few seconds of silence from both parties.

“I have a headache but Bokuto is my ride home, so I have to wait for him to finish greeting every fan and then he showers. So I’d say I still have a good hour to wait.” They replied, opening their eyes and tilting their head to look at Sakusa, “Why are you sitting on the floor?” He wasn’t sure how to respond, he didn’t have a reason for why he sat on the floor, he just sat there because they were also sitting on the floor.

“I can give you a ride home if you want Y/n.” He offered, changing the topic at hand. He wasn’t quite sure what compelled him to offer them a ride home, he just felt like it was right. “You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. I’m perfectly content sitting here and waiting for Bokuto.” They said, closing their eyes again and turning their head towards the ceiling. “You have a headache Y/n, let me give you a ride home so you aren’t sitting here for an hour.” Sakusa said as he got up and looked at them expectantly. As they opened their eyes they sighed and got up, “Let me text Bokuto to let him know that I don’t need a ride and then we can leave.” They reluctantly agreed as they pulled out their phone to send Bokuto a text. He wouldn’t get it until he got to the locker room but at least then he would know. “Okay let’s go.” Y/n said as they started walking towards the exit with Sakusa still standing in the hallway, only beginning to follow them after they were halfway towards the exit.

As they drove home Sakusa learned a little bit more about Y/n. He learned that they had met Bokuto through Akaashi who was a distant cousin of theirs, so they were closer to Bokuto out of everyone on the team. He also learned that they lived in the same apartment building as Bokuto so they carpooled every morning, which is why they always showed up at the same time. He didn’t learn much about before they joined the team as the manager any time he asked they waved it off or changed the subject.

As Sakusa entered his home, a familiar ringtone started to chime from his coat pocket. Taking his phone out of his pocket he pressed the answer button seeing it was Motoya calling. “Hey Motoya, what’s up?” He held the phone between his shoulder and ear as he slipped off his shoes before correcting his grip on the small device. “Was just calling to let you know we have a game against each other coming up next month. Did you just get home from your game? I thought I heard the door close.”

“Yeah I got home late because I drove the new manager home. They were waiting for Bokuto, but they had a headache and he was going to be a while.” Sakusa explained as he walked over to his kitchen to find something to eat. “Oh you guys got a new manager? Who is it?” Motoya asked curiously. “Their name is L/n Y/n. They just started a few weeks ago, so I don’t really know much about them.” He said as he got out ingredients from the fridge and went to wash his hands.

“You mean L/n Y/n from Itachiyama?” As Motoya asked what he thought was an innocent question, Sakusa felt himself freeze, “Who was that again?” He asked hesitantly. “You don’t remember Y/n? You hated them, or at least it sure seemed like you did.I mean you were cold and distant to everyone but it seemed like it was worse with them.” As Motoya continued to explain to Sakusa who Y/n was he suddenly felt very terrible. From what he remembers Y/n wasn’t always shy and soft spoken. They used to be bubbly and friendly, always trying to include everyone, including him.

It wasn’t that he was mean to them by any means. He didn’t go out of his way to bully them, but one day he had enough of their bubbly and outgoing personality and just snapped. He wasn’t having the best day and hearing them just kind of set him off, and now he felt terrible, because Sakusa knew that sometimes all it took was one person to yell at someone who was outgoing and suddenly they weren’t as outgoing anymore as before. He doesn’t quite remember what he said but he remembers that after he yelled at Y/n, they were more quiet.

“Motoya, I didn’t even recognize them. They’re so different from when we were in high school, they’re so quiet now.” Sakusa said as he leaned on the counter with his head resting in the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. “Yeah they started being quiet after you yelled at them. Didn’t talk as much.” Motoya’s voice got softer the more he talked about it. “I don’t even remember what I said, Motoya.” Sakusa sighed. “Well first of all you told them that no one cared what they had to say, and then you said something along the lines of how you feel bad for whoever their soulmate is if they're going to be that loud all the time. It was pretty bad, Kiyoomi.” Motoya changed the subject and they talked about something else for a bit before Sakusa had to eat something and then shower if he wanted to go to bed at a decent time.

It was the next morning and Sakusa was heading over to Y/n’s house to try and apologize. He wouldn’t see them today since they usually have the day after a game off so that the team can rest. He was suddenly very nervous as he knocked on the door to their apartment. “Bokuto, you have to learn how to cook something at some point, I can’t feed you all the time!” He heard their voice get closer to the door as they walked towards it, and soon the door was pulled open, “Oh you’re not Bokuto. Sorry, he usually comes over around this time every day on our days off. Uh come in?”

As they moved out of the way and opened the door more Sakusa noticed that they wore an Itachiyama sweater and suddenly felt stupid that he didn’t realize sooner. As he stepped in and slipped off his shoes he took note that the apartment was pretty clean other than a few things here and there. “Sorry it’s a mess, I was going to clean today and then well you showed up.” Y/n said as they went through and picked up a few things, “Are you hungry? It’s about noon, have you eaten? I was in the middle of making lunch, but I made enough for like four people because I don’t understand that I can cut the recipe down.” He watched as they rambled and walked around the kitchen to finish cooking the lunch they had started before he arrived.

“Yeah I’ll eat if you don’t mind. I didn’t eat anything before I came over.” He said sitting down on one of the stools by the counter. Even as he was around them for just a few minutes he couldn’t comprehend why he would yell at them like he did. Their presence was so warm and inviting, they were so caring and observant of everyone around them. Now he felt like even more of an ass before he came over to their apartment.

“Not that I don’t want to hang out with you or anything, but why exactly did you come over to my apartment today?” They asked setting down two plates of food on the counter and taking a seat across from Sakusa. Sakusa moved the food around his plate for a bit while he nervously thought about how to start the conversation. “I’m sorry.” He said and looked up, “About what happened when we were at Itachiyama.” Y/n paused, their food halfway to their mouth, and set down their utensils. “Oh, so you do remember that.” They said fidgeting with their hands, “I had honestly thought you forgot. It’s okay though Sakusa, it’s been what? Five years since that’s happened? I’ve moved past it, we’re different people than we were back then. I kinda get it though, I was a little much huh?” They asked, beginning to eat again.

“It wasn’t okay though, I shouldn’t have talked to you like that just because I was having a bad day Y/n. People care about you and what you have to say, and I guarantee your soulmate will love how bubbly and excited you always are.” Sakusa apologized again, he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to apologize enough to them. “Honestly Sakusa it’s fine, I’ve gotten over it, besides I might never find my soulmate anyway.” Y/n said as they finished their food and put their plate in the sink. “I know you got more quiet because of what I said. You’re not as outgoing or bubbly anymore, you’re more shy and reserved than before and I feel awful for that. I didn’t realize that what I said could have that big of an impact on you-”

“Well it did.” Y/n interrupted him, “It impacted me so much Sakusa. I was just trying to include you so you didn’t feel left out during group projects or activities. I was just trying to be nice to you Sakusa, you know it’s really stupid I even had a little crush on you. I know that’s dumb because the chances of us being soulmates is basically zero, but you were nice to me. You talked to me, helped me on the homework, and somewhere along the way I developed a crush. Then you yelled at me.” Y/n took a deep breath and laughed pathetically, “You yelled at me, which is really stupid, because people told me all the time that I was “too much” and needed to calm down. But it was different coming from you, coming from someone who I had thought had become a friend of mine.”

“Y/n I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” Sakusa said as he made his way toward them. “I know you didn’t, Sakusa. I told you I’m over it. I guess I just wanted to yell back at you for it, even if it is five years later. Honestly I forgave you two years after it happened. I’m still bubbly and outgoing, it’s just that I wasn’t sure if you would’ve hated that at practice so I toned it down. Ask Bokuto, he’ll tell you.” Sakusa had felt a little better after hearing that from Y/n. He wasn’t sure he’d ever forgive himself if they had never gone back to their excitable personality.

“Here let me help with the dishes.” Sakusa said as he reached for the plate in their hand. They were about to protest when they felt a warm go on the tip of their index finger where his hand brushed theirs. Sakusa watched in awe as golden swirls danced around both of your finger tips, somehow in sync like a dance that wasn’t quite complete without its partner to help hold the rhythm of the number. The warmth of his hand was nothing like his sister had described to him. It felt like the first rays of sun in the morning on a warm autumn day with more of a comforting warmth than a hot one.

Neither of the two said anything as they watched the golden swirls fade away, but still felt the warmth of them underneath the skin still. “I know I said I had a crush on you earlier and I should be ecstatic that this is happening but a part of me can’t help but find this really ironic.” Y/n said laughing, still staring at their hands. “What do you mean?” Sakusa asked with a confused stare as he looked at Y/n. “You don’t think this is ironic? You literally told me my soulmate would find me annoying and now you’re my soulmate. It’s kind of funny.” Y/n explained, finally looking up at Sakusa.

Sakusa thought for a minute with furrowed eyebrows before realizing what they meant. “Would you be quiet about that?” He asked now laughing at the situation as well, “We just found out we’re soulmates and you’re making jokes? I’m glad you’re back to your old self but come on Y/n.” He gave a gentle shove to their shoulder as they laughed more at the situation and Y/n continued to make jokes and lightly shoved him back.

Outside the apartment Bokuto lowered his ready to knock fist with a smile, deciding to come back at a later time as he heard laughing coming from the inside of the usually quiet apartment.

[moemoemammon]

If the requests are still open, could you write some headcanons about how the brothers would react if MC who doesn't show them any affection beyond smiles and handpats (because they are awfully shy) started showering the cat they adopted in smooches and cuddles (because their love for cats is as bad as Satan's)?

MC isn't Very Affectionate! But....

(Feat. GN!MC and the Demon Bros!)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

Honestly? He's the same way.

Lucifer doesn't show his affection in physical ways despite a head pat or something, so he doesn't see anything wrong with the way you do things.

He's gotten used to it, until you were suddenly showering your cat in affection. You'd found it in the garden one day and begged him to let you keep it until you'd found someone to take out in, so he relented.

There's no way he's jealous over the way you're treating that cat. He’d never let himself stoop to such a level. But the way you're always coping and kissing at that feline....

"MC, don't you have an exam you need to study for? I've seen your schedule and I believe you could benefit from a bit of extra studying. In the meantime, I'll be taking the cat to my office. You don't need any distractions."

Mammon

Um?? Hello?? Earth to human??

Can't you see he's literally asking for your attention? Or are you so thick that he's gotta spell it out for ya?!

Mammon doesn't get it at all! He thought you were just scared in the beginning, but now he knows you're just the type that doesn't hug or anything! Mammon might seem like a cool guy™️, but he's got his moments where he wants to hug!

And why's he gotta compete with a cat all of a sudden?! Now he thinks you're just messing with him! You're always kissing that cat and patting it's head... Pat his head too, damn it!

"OI! MC!! How long are you gonna baby talk that cat, huh?? Look, I'm takin' it away, for your own good! You've got an addiction so bad you're startin' to act like Satan! If ya want it back, uh... come to my room everyday afterschool and try to convince me! Yeah!"

Levi

He's not the most openly affectionate either because of his 'yucky otaku' complex, but as the two of you grow closer, he wonders what it's like to hug you sometimes...

But maybe you don't want that? You never ask for it, not like he expects you to wanna hug someone like him. Gah, but he wants to! At least hold his hands!!

And now he sees that you've done a complete 180, and you're all over that stray cat! How is that fair?!

He's not jealous of a cat he's not jealous of a cat he's not jealous of a cat he's not jealous o-

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY HENRY!! Gaaaah, look at me, too! Pat my head or something!! If it's the ears and tail you like, I'll even cosplay!!! No WAY I'll let myself lose to a cat!!!!!"

Satan

Mhm mhm. He completely understands.

People show their affection in a ton of different ways. For instance, Satan shows he cares by harassing the people around him. In your case, you choose more subtle ways, other than physical affection.

And he especially understands your affinity for cats. They're better than people, aren't they? They're small and cute, and they don't talk back.

Tbh he probably joins you, or you two are competing over who gets to have the cat for the day. You're practically coparenting at this point.

"MC, it's my day. We agreed that I'd have her every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. But if you're feeling lonely, why don't you join the both of us? I was just going to go out to get her some new toys. Want to come?"

Asmo

Affection is his love language, so Asmo thinks you're either teasing him, or playing shy. There's no way you can really keep your hands off of him, right? ❤️

R...right?

Asmo's never had trouble getting people to return his affections, but you're a literal mystery to him! No matter what he does, you don't respond!

And now he's trying to compete with a CAT?! Clearly you don't understand the awe-inspiring magnificence that is Asmodeus, Avatar of Lust!! Maybe he just has to remind you?

"MC~ Don't you think I haven't been getting enough love today? At this rate, I might start crying! It's no fair if you love that cat more than me, so can't you pay attention to me, too? I'll accept a kiss as an apology, thanks~!"

Beel

Beel has his moments when he's affectionate, and when he isn't.

But overall, he's a hugger. He likes to embrace his brothers when he's happy, and you're no exception. It didn't take him long to realize you weren't the same though, reminding him more of Lucifer.

It wasn't a bad thing. He thinks that's just how you are, so he's fine with it as long as you're comfortable. So... why are you snuggling with that cat, then?

He's starting to think you might just have a thing against touching people. Maybe it's a weird phobia? Are you a germaphobe?? He's started washing the hell out of his hands lately...

"MC. Are you afraid of germs? I just took a shower, so it's fine if you hug me. I'm clean. Or... if you want me to hug you instead, I can do it. It's fine if you're nervous. I won't hug you too tightly."

Belphie

Belphie is always finding his head on your lap one way or another. Actually, any part of you will do as long as he gets to nap with you.

And if he isn't leaning on you, he's pulling you to him, either pulling you into bed, cornering you in the hall, or playing pranks where he grabs you from behind to startle you. He's almost as bad as Asmo, even if he's more subtle about it.

You rarely respond to his affection unless he asks you to, but he figures that's just a part of your personality. Or so he thought, until he saw the way you were coddling that cat...

It's annoying... you're always kissing and petting that thing when you could be doing the same to him! It's not like he’d admit to something as lame as being mad at a cat, though.

"My hair is just as soft, isn't it? As that cat's fur, I mean. So if you really want to pet something, you could stroke my hair instead. I won't meow, but it's fine if I just say your name, right?"

[tender-rosiey]

Ah uh Some Sakusa Headcannons? If not a Atsusaku One shot? 🥺👉👈

— SAKUSA DATING HEADCANONS

A/N: AYO BACK AT IT AGAIN; hope you like it luv <3

Our very attractive germaphobe here basically loves you with all his being

At the beginning of the relationship he would struggle a bit with physical affection but make it up with his sweet words

Yes, I believe Sakusa is a man of very luscious words

“I know it must be a pain in the ass to not get the physical affection like others do in their relationship normally but I promise to get used to it as fast as I can, cause I myself can’t wait to have you in my arms.”

And vulgar words at that

“Keep your dirty ass hands of a hoe off my damn girlfriend.”

Anyways when he does get used to the touch

He can’t go on a day without kissing you or hugging you

Oml when he pouts

“Omi, why are you pouting?”

“You didn’t hug or kiss me, woman”

You made him a mask

He never took it off all day and was basically subtly showing off

“Oh the mask? Y/N made it.”

Honestly can’t get how lucky he is to have someone so understanding and patient as you

He loves how you have extra disinfectant spray and masks for him and appreciates it a lot

Clings to you in crowds

He feels safe as long as you are with him

He might be a germaphobe but he will cut a bitch if someone hurts you

Soft head kissed if you are upset

A playful nickname he calls you is “my germ”

However the nicknames he calls you in private are “Precious” and “Honey”

He calls you by your name in special occasions because as he believes “your name is something I want to appreciate on special occasions because it’s the first thing I knew about you and shaped what I later knew.”

Tease the boy and depending on his mood he will react with:

Either smile with furrowed eyebrows about to tickle you

Or

Glare at you and throw you on the bed cause he would rather go to hell and kiss a germ than hurt you

If he does sometimes upset you when he is accidentally cold towards you he would make it up with cuddles

Oh yeah, he loves cuddles but he is awkward and a little shy with them

“I am not putting my hand on your ass like I am gonna fu-“AYO I DONT WANT THAT KEEP IT FLUFFY”

Jealousy is something that flows in his blood but he controls himself fairly well

But subtle gestures he does give it off

Whenever he is jealous he holds you by the waist and pull you closer to him and starts glaring at whoever is talking to you

KOMORI IS THE BEST FRIEND ANYONE IS LOOKING FOR

he is so proud of his cousin for landing a wonderful person as yourself

Komori tells you embarrassing stories about Sakusa and god does he gets a cute beating when Sakusa finds out

Dates are usually a stay-in movie night or something indoors in general so he can be totally comfortable with you and show you the affection you deserve

You kissed his moles before and my man didn’t let go of you the entire day

“Omi I need to pee-“stfu and let me love you, you damn cute thing.”

If you get hurt he would disinfect your wound and take the utmost care of you

But of course not without scolding you

“What the hell were you doing on the tree?”

“...”

“Do you know how worried I was?”

“...”

“Will you take care of yourself a little bit more, sweet love?”

Damn man knows your heart swoons for that nickname

He can be such a tease at times like OMI CHILL

In conclusion he tries his best to be comfortable with anything so he can make you happy

copyright © 2020 tender-rosiey

do not copy or plagiarize or you will be reported

[legendaryoikawa]

make out with med student!sakusa

warnings: slightly nsfw, profanities, grammar errors

note: requested by @henny-in-the-hamptons i hope you enjoy this, i apologize too if this took so long to be released hdhdhdhd (anyways i had to open my anatomy book and i was reviewed as well oml)

how did u guys meet:

so here’s our tall and favorite germaphobe lmao

but you love him even though he’s aloof and comes out like he doesn’t give a fuck

well he does, he hates crowds, a highkey misanthropist but he give exception doe ;))

we know who it is,,,, u hdhdbdhdbdhdbhd <333

you guys dated because u asked him out in this college party and you just wanted to shoot your shot because apparently you are crushing for him for years yet sakusa is like a fucking rock,,,, and bold of u to assume he’ll ask u out >:P

but anywaaaays,,, ur hardwork paid off especially when he pulled his mask midway down his lips

and looked at you directly and said “okay,,”

he’s cold but WHATEVER

at least you made the king agree on going out as ur date for the college party

alexa pls please play bOom Boom BOOm BOOm I wanT U IN MY RoOM skksks

and ur heart is really beating loud especially when he lean slowly to match ur height jdhdhddb

and the way the butterflies roamed in ur stomach when he dragged out the words of “okay” to you,, 

like his voice is like husky but laced with confusion and amusement?? yes okay yes.

so let us zoooooooooom at the party

it isn’t hard to spot sakusa in the college gym because he stands out in a way you don’t expect him to be

like,,,,,,,,,,,,,, homeboy has his hands tucked in his jacket, his mf mask (stan sakusa for a cute 2020) and his curls and His MOLeS JSJBDJ

it was awkward at first especially when u tried to initiate some good topics to start with him 

But HE IS DRY SMH >:(((((((((((((((((((((

but U r moRe than willing to converse w hIm no matter how DRY HE TAKES <3 

but it was heart warming for u especially when he really tried to socialize despite him hating social gatherings in general,,,,

but this is getting long but U gOt sakusa the great to confess to after u have showed to him how persistent U r no matter how hard he wipes u off with his alcohol spray

u have germs but according to him,,,,, 

“u r my only germ <333″ 

ODJBFHJVDHJVDS <333333333333333333333333 

while making out : NSFW !!!!!!

okay so,, makeouts are rare because he IS a med student and let’s be frank he has more time with his books than u

most of his classes are overloaded and he’ll come home dead tired 

or if ur lucky he’ll kiss u then go straight up to work on his assignments

but u do understand because he told u that he cannot commit his hundred percent attention to u and u were like 

“I understand”

but there are times that you will just miss him so hard and u can’t do anything about it so u just let the night slip like the usual 

but of course sakusa is well aware of this and it makes him feel bad but he tried to think of ways to make it up to u

and an idea strikes him,,,, he has an upcoming anatomy exam

;)))))))))))))))))))))))))

he will call u out like,, “hey..”

 and of course you will be so shocked because that was the first time in weeks he paid attention to you and you were like “:O,,,, oh hey babe, what’s up?”

“come here..”

“huh whereee?”

“in.my.room quick!”

and the you yeeted yourself out just to ran all the way in his room

and u were slightly nervous yet excited because,,,, ur not gullible lmao

and then you found him removing his jacket and he’s left with just his fitted top and his varsity shorts

those short SHORTS that r the fabric of sin because god ThOSE FUCkIng THIGHs?

anyways he asked if he could use u as his basis for his anatomy test 

and you were like,,,,,,,,, yeah of course

at first it was pure and serious because he will point things like

“okay his is the clavicle” while pointing at your collarbones and the way ur body shivers after his touch is just = sexual tension

and then it escalates till you ask him what is this certain bone and he couldn’t answer u because

he’s turned on big time 

and was like “fuck this shit, let me study in my own ways” while muttering deeply to himself and proceeded to grab you by the jaw :o

and begins giving you open mouthed kiss while caressing your sides 

then he pointed out,, “this is your platysma” while kissing a part somewhere in your neck 

“do u know why my fucking mouth is attacking you with kisses? it’s because the masseter is the one moving by closing the jaw by elevating the mandible”

“turn around for me”

and you did and he began running his hands thru your back

and after every muscle he names he leaves a kiss or worst a hickey because “it’s my mark so i can remember which is which”

and then he will purposely start all over again from the top of naming your body parts till you got so irritated and pulled him in 

and <3

you can feel his hands roaming around, slightly cupping your breasts while he named it as “i love your mammary gland”

it sounded wrong but scientifically it is right lmao

“we’re still not yet in reproductive system but i can advance study...”

sorry if this took long enough to create,, online classes just started and I tried to squeeze this in despite my heavy schedule lmao but anyways i am already close to 1k and im seriously happy and touched for all those who followed, and supported my fics even if they’re not the best among all,,, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!

for those mutuals that i have talked to, i couldn’t reach out to you all because ive been busy with stuff lately but i love u all, always! anyways, i hope everyone will support the other works im planning to release in the future! love lots!

[pickalilywrites]

Halu! I love reading your rivetra fics especially the heart skips a beat <3 you're such a great writer! was hoping if you can try to write rivetra modern au during the pandemic? :D

here you go~ ah, i always take a long time to write now, but at least it was out before the pandemic is over ^^" (as much as i would like it to be over ...) i hope you like it ~

---------------------

Love in the Time of COVID-19

Rivetra. COVID-19 Pandemic AU.

9543 words.

Read on Ao3!

Levi Ackerman is hugely germaphobic and antisocial. For him, the COVID-19 global pandemic is simultaneously the worst and best thing that has ever happened. People have finally begun to wash their filthy hands, cover their mouths with the crook of their elbows when they sneeze, and wear masks over their mouths to slow the spread of airborne contamination. All non-essential workers have stopped going outdoors, which makes Levi look less like a recluse and more like a normal person.

Of course, even these basic precautions couldn’t stop the coronavirus outbreak from growing into a full-blown pandemic. Maybe if everyone were more like Levi — washing their hands for a full five minutes rather than the CDC’s recommendation of a measly twenty seconds, bringing around a pack of disinfecting wipes and wiping down everything he touches, and rubbing his hands with hand sanitizer at least three times after he touches anything — the world wouldn’t be in this mess.

The worst thing about this pandemic, however, isn’t the fact that people are taking the bare minimum precautions, but the people who aren’t taking any precautions at all. For every person wearing a mask, there are at least ten people outside not wearing a mask. Hell, there are even people dying in the hospital of COVID that are convinced this whole pandemic is a hoax rather than a mess of their own making because they refuse to wash their own hands. It’s because of these people that Levi has to be especially careful on the few occasions he leaves his apartment, stripping off all his clothes as soon as he walks through his door and tossing them in the laundry basket before he takes a shower with scalding hot water to kill off all the germs he may have brought home with him.

For the most part though, Levi doesn’t mind pandemic life. It’s a lot like his life pre-pandemic, but he disinfects everything twice as much as he normally did before COVID. As a data analyst, he hardly went into the office anyway and he didn’t bat an eyelash when his company declared that everyone would be working from home until further notice. With delivery services becoming more popular, Levi found it was easier to get things delivered to his apartment. Even his neighbors are bearable. People are too busy working to be a bother during work hours and by the end of the day they’re too tired to do anything except turn on Netflix until they fall asleep on the couch. Really, Levi doesn’t have a problem with anyone except the woman living in the unit next to him.

Prior to COVID, Levi wasn’t even aware of her existence. He sometimes heard about her from the chatty woman in the unit across from him. The nosy woman somehow miraculously knew when Levi (or anyone, really) would be coming out of their apartments, popping out and ensnaring them in a conversation that always seemed fifteen minutes too long.

The gossipy woman loved the person who occupied the unit next to Levi’s. Levi’s next-door neighbor had moved in a few months before the pandemic started and was never at home, the talkative neighbor explained, because she was an actress.

“An actress in the theater. Musical theater, darling,” the woman emphasized, her eyes as wide as saucers like being in theater was the most magnificent thing anyone could ever do. “Poor dear is never home though. If she’s not rehearsing or on a show, she’s working part-time jobs at the diner downtown.”

Levi didn’t think very much of it after hearing about the woman next door for the first hundred times. It wasn’t his business what other people did. Anyway, if the woman was hardly ever home, that was even better. Except now that there’s a pandemic and everyone is required to stay home, the woman is home almost all the time and if Levi hadn’t believed the woman had a career in theater, he certainly does now.

The woman likes to sing on the balcony after work hours. It’s considerate of her but somehow also very infuriating to Levi because he can’t complain that he’s working. She also stops at an appropriate time (usually 8 or 9 at the latest), so it’s not as if Levi can send in a noise complaint without feeling like a dick. He just has to grit his teeth and listen to his neighbor belt out “If I Loved You” from Carousel while he cooks dinner.

She doesn’t have a bad voice either. It’s just that it’s incredibly loud. He supposes if she were any quieter, she wouldn’t be any good for musical theater. Maybe his other apartment neighbors are elated to have a living Disney princess sing for them for free every night, but it’s grating to the ears if you’re living right next door.

He probably should have said something when she started singing more dramatic songs, songs that crescendoed and built into a climax that Levi could probably hear if he were living on the other side of the apartment. It’s those goddamn musical ballads that Levi hates the most. If it’s upbeat, at least Levi knows what’s coming but those ballads always have to build and build until the woman is belting out to the heavens.

Levi thought he could bear it. Surely, the pandemic would only last for a few more weeks or even another month or two, but new coronavirus cases kept climbing and Levi knew he’d be listening to entire one-woman musicals for the next year if he didn’t say anything. One night when the woman begins yet another musical ballad, Levi finally throws open the sliding door to his balcony and is surprised when he sees his next-door neighbor sitting cross-legged on her balcony, a pink floral mask on her face, and a guitar in her lap.

The woman stops strumming her guitar and looks up, her amber eyes wide with surprise. “Hi,” she says, voice slightly muffled through her mask. She waves awkwardly at Levi even though he’s frozen in place on his balcony and hasn’t made any move to greet her.

“Why are you wearing a mask?” he asks her as if he’s not wearing one too. It makes sense that he’s wearing one. He always wears a mask when he steps outside even if there’s nobody around. He knows most people don’t because they don’t see the point if nobody else is around, so why is she wearing one?

The woman’s nose scrunches up from under her mask while her eyebrows are knit in confusion. “We’re in a pandemic. Isn’t that why you’re wearing one, too?” the woman asks, gesturing towards Levi and then her own mask. She pauses for a moment as if thinking about whether or not she should continue. “Also, I heard you’re a huge germaphobe.”

“Who told you that?” Levi snaps.

“The lady who lives across from you,” the woman replies.

Ah. That explains a lot.

“But I don’t even come out here that regularly,” Levi points out.

The woman shrugs. “Just in case. It’s better to be safe than sorry anyway,” the woman says. “And it’s not like it’s a big deal to wear a mask.”

Levi’s not sure if it’s because he’s been stuck in his house for months, but he’s just fallen a little bit in love with this woman and it’s all because she said wearing a mask isn’t that much of an inconvenience. He doesn’t even know her name. After meeting for five seconds and realizing that she’s considerate for wearing a mask on the off chance that Levi might go out on the balcony, Levi’s starting to feel like a dick for coming out here to yell at her for singing too loud. She’s a lovely singer, really, and he should probably be thankful she’s not a part of a screamo metal rock band or something.

Levi fights the urge to disappear in his apartment. He slides the glass door behind him, trapping himself outside on the balcony and forcing himself to speak more with the woman. He’s not exactly sure what he should say. Should he ask her name? Compliment her singing? Ask her about how she’s handling quarantine? He sits down cross-legged facing her.

“What song were you singing?” he ends up asking the woman.

“Oh,” the woman says as if she’s surprised Levi’s still speaking with her. She looks skyward, trying to recall the name. “‘Please Don’t Make Me Love You.’ It’s from the Dracula musical.”

“Oh.” Levi hadn’t been aware that there was even a musical adaptation of the Bram Stoker gothic novel.

“Yeah, I know,” the woman says with another nose scrunch, her mask shifting upward from the movement. “There’s a musical for everything nowadays.” She hums a few notes and strums a few chords across her guitar. “But what about you? How are you spending your quarantine?”

“Me?” Levi repeats. “I just … am hanging in there.”

“That’s good,” the woman says. Levi can’t see her smile behind her mask, but he does see the edge of her eyes crinkle. She sets her guitar beside her and leans back on her palms. Her head tilts to the side and her ginger hair falls away from her lithe neck. “I’m Petra, by the way. I don’t think we’ve ever formally met.”

That’s probably because Levi has never made the effort to be neighborly. In fact, the only reason they’re meeting right now is because Levi was going out here to complain about her singing, but he won’t mention that. Instead, he shrugs and says, “Levi.” It’s a lame introduction. Even he cringes at it, but Petra doesn’t seem to mind.

“I’ve never seen you out here, but maybe because I’m only on the balcony in the evenings,” Petra says. She picks idly at the guitar strings, letting their sound reverberate with every twang before she moves onto the next string. She stops suddenly and looks at Levi, eyebrow raised. “Oh, you didn’t come out here because it was too loud, did you? I know my voice is pretty … resonant, especially in a small space like this.” She winces apologetically.

Levi is thankful that his mask is able to cover the blush that is surely rising in his cheeks. “N-no,” he stammers. He sits up a little straighter as if this will somehow make him a less obvious liar. “I just … wanted some fresh air.”

“Mmm, makes sense,” Petra hums. Her eyes crinkle again and Levi’s heart does something weird in his chest. “Good to get some fresh air circulating in the apartment. I always have my air filter on nowadays too.”

Levi realizes with horror that she’s absolutely right. He usually keeps his apartment windows closed, opening them only in the early morning and the late evening for the fresh air. He hadn’t accounted for the lack of fresh air in the entire apartment complex. There’s no telling whose dirty air he’s been breathing these past months. Sure, he has at least one air filter in every room, but he can’t count on these machines to filter out every germ flying around the air. Why hadn’t he accounted for the poor air circulation through the building before this? He should have been keeping his windows open this entire time. The air outside is filled with germs as well, but the concentration of germs from other people who may or may not be spreading COVID within this apartment complex is much higher here than it is inside.

Levi stands up, grabbing the railing of his balcony for support. He feels a little dizzy right now and has the frantic urge to clean his entire apartment again even though he had cleaned it this morning. This time, he’ll be sure to deep clean the carpet.

“I have to go,” he tells Petra, but he doesn’t give her the reason. He doesn’t want her to think he’s an idiot for not thinking about air circulation sooner.

Petra raises her eyebrows as if she’s surprised and perhaps a little bit sorry to see him go. “Alright then,” she says. She picks up her guitar once more, strumming a few pleasant chords. “Have a good evening, Levi. It was nice meeting you.”

Levi pauses at the door. “You, too,” he says finally before he slips inside. He makes sure to leave the door open. The lack of barrier makes it easier for Petra’s voice to carry into his apartment. That’s not why he leaves his door open, of course. It's purely for the fresh air to come in, or at least that’s what Levi tells himself.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Levi does not know why the news of the woman next door intrigues his friends so much. He had casually mentioned her once on a video call with them and now they won’t stop asking him about her, constantly requesting updates on little tedious things like the songs she had sung the night before and if she still wears her mask. Even more surprising, Levi finds he can’t ignore their questions and answers each and every one. He tells himself it’s because he knows their curiosity will never be quenched until he answers their inquiries and it’s better to respond than to be bombarded with the same question a half dozen more times.

“So you guys talk to each other every night?” Isabel asks. She sits closer to her laptop and her face fills the little square with her name in the right-hand corner. Her hands sit in her hands and she has a thoughtful pout on her lips. “That’s a lot, Levi.”

“We talk to each other every night,” Levi points out.

“And you complained that it was a lot!” Isabel says, which is true. He would have been satisfied with weekly Zoom calls or even fortnightly, but Isabel had insisted that going so long without seeing Levi and Farlan onscreen would drive her mad. “But that doesn’t seem to be the case with this mysterious next-door neighbor.”

“She’s hardly mysterious,” Levi snorts.

“She’s right, though,” Farlan comments. He isn’t perched at the tip of his seat. Unlike Isabel, he’s less intrigued about Levi’s new relationship with his neighbor and more amused about the whole thing. “You’ve never been interested in people enough to have regular meetups with them even if it’s a ‘coincidental’ meeting on the balcony every night.” Levi despises the way Farlan uses air quotes.

“It’s very Romeo and Juliet,” Isabel says with a nod. There’s a silence at the other end and Isabel adds, “Because of the balcony. Except this time there are two balconies and nobody is dying. Hopefully.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “I just bump into her more often now that I go out to get fresh air now,” Levi explains. It’s a part of his routine now. Better to breathe good, clean (or at least cleaner) air than continue to breathe in apartment air that has been god knows where. “Which, by the way, you two should really consider as well. Who knows what germs are floating around in your apartment complexes?”

Isabel wrinkles her nose. “If that were a problem, I would have gotten COVID by now,” she points out, and Levi wants to groan. He doesn’t want to explain to her once more that, after exposure to the virus, contracting COVID is a game of chance and she’s just been lucky. There’s no telling how much luckier she can get as the pandemic continues.

“I’ll consider it,” Farlan says, and Levi is at least grateful for that. He taps his fingers on his desk. Farlan’s microphone is so sensitive that Levi can hear the tap, tap, tapping noise on the other end. “But that neighbor of yours … what do you guys even talk about every night?”

“I don’t know just … stuff, I guess,” Levi mumbles. He rubs at the back of his neck. He can’t quite recall what he and Petra talked about yesterday on their balconies. Their conversations always start out similarly with her asking Levi about his day and Petra asking about his, and by the time Levi retreats into his apartment he finds that an hour has already passed. After a moment, he says, “Well, she told me about how she was sewing face masks in her free time so that she could donate them.”

“Oooh,” Isabel coos. Her head is in her hands again and she looks starry-eyed. “This girl sure has everything, doesn’t she? Not only is she cute, but she takes COVID safety precautions seriously and she cares about other people? No wonder you’re so interested in her, Levi.”

Levi’s mind stutters for a moment. “When did I say she was cute?” he stammers.

“Is she not cute?” Farlan asks with a raised eyebrow.

Levi’s knee-jerk response is to say “no” just because he knows a “yes” will elicit more teasing from Isabel, but the question Farlan asks makes Levi realize that he’s never seen Petra without her mask off. Prior to this realization, Levi has never minded seeing Petra with a mask on. After all, they’re both still in a pandemic and, even if neither of them show visible symptoms of COVID, it’s possible that they could still transmit the virus from their minimal outings for groceries or other daily tasks that require them to leave the apartment. Now that he’s realized it though, he’s overcome with this strange desire to see Petra’s face behind the mask.

There’s only so much one can see of a person when they’re wearing a mask. Levi knows the top half of Petra’s face quite well: slender, expressive eyebrows, large eyes the color of amber, and even the dip of the bridge of her nose. Anything beyond that is a mystery to him, hidden behind the cloth of Petra’s mask. He doesn’t know what kind of nose she has, if it’s grand and shapely or sweet and button-shaped or adorably upturned. He doesn’t know the curve of her lips, if she has a well-defined cupid’s bow or thick, full lips the color of petals. Judging by the state of the pandemic right now, it’s unlikely that he’ll find out anytime soon and he can’t fathom requesting Petra take off her mask just to satisfy his newfound curiosity.

“I don’t know what she looks like,” Levi finally says.

Farlan snorts and Isabel erupts into peals of laughter.

“You’ve been talking to her for how long and you don’t know what she looks like?” Isabel titters. She’s even wiping tears from her eyes, although Levi doesn’t think the situation is that humorous. “It’s not like you guys are wearing hazmat suits when you sit on the balcony.”

“It’s not like I don’t know what she looks like at all,” Levi grumbles. “But we’ve been wearing masks this whole time whenever we’ve gone out on the balcony to talk to each other.”

“Aren’t your balconies, like, more than six feet apart? You guys could probably take your masks off and it’d be fine,” Isabel points out. She sees Levi open his mouth to speak and she rolls her eyes, giving him a dismissive wave of her hand. “Okay, fine, just wear your masks like the hypochondriacs you are! If it’ll make you feel better about the ‘sick game of roulette viruses play when infecting us,’ go right ahead!”

Levi scowls. He wishes he could kick Isabel out of the Zoom chat, but Farlan has forbidden Levi to do that after Levi cut short the first Zoom call he hosted and Farlan has been the host of their Zoom calls ever since. Thus, Levi has had to sit through various Zoom calls with Isabel mocking his informative lectures on infections and diseases. On the bright side, at least she remembers Levi’s lectures well enough to recite them back to him even if it is in a sarcastic tone.

In a tiny square on Levi’s screen, Farlan watches with an amused expression on his face.

“What?” Levi asks.

“You could ask her if she’s comfortable with taking her mask off,” Farlan suggests.

“I can’t just ask her that!” Levi splutters. He gets embarrassed at the idea of it — just outright asking Petra as if it’s as simple as asking her about the weather or what her favorite color is.

Isabel rolls her eyes. “It’s not like you’re asking her to take off her shirt or something,” she says.

If Levi’s face wasn’t red yet, it certainly is now.

“Ignore her,” Farlan says. “But, you know, it is just a mask and you keep yourself extremely safe and she adheres to the CDC guidelines pretty well from what you tell us. If you two are both comfortable with it, why not just ask?”

Because it’s exactly as they’re saying: it’s not like asking her to take off her shirt. In a way, asking her to take off her mask is infinitely more dangerous and intimate than asking her to take off any other article of clothing. COVID-19 is a virus that is spread through aerosol droplets from infected persons. By asking Petra to remove her mask, Levi would ultimately be asking Petra to lower her defenses to these droplets and increase her chances of getting infected. If Petra were to ask him to remove his mask, Levi isn’t sure he would be able to say ‘yes’ for these very same reasons.

It’s something Levi mulls over even after the call ends and Isabel and Farlan bid him adieu for the night. He thinks about it in bed, imagining a different COVID-infected universe in which he musters up the courage to ask Petra to lower her mask for him and she says yes, revealing a beaming smile behind her mask when she lowers it for the first time. For some reason, just thinking about her smile and how it might look — if she has bunny teeth that stick out, if she has a cute underbite, if her teeth are just a little bit crooked, if she bothers to put on lip balm under her mask or if she forgets and leaves her lips chapped — makes it difficult for Levi to sleep. He spends his night tossing and turning in bed, haunted by a smile he’s never seen.

The thought of Petra’s smile follows him into the morning and well into the day. It’s all he thinks about as he cleans his apartment in the morning, he writes line after line of code at work, and as he cleans it once more in the afternoon. It’s all he thinks about as he opens the door to his balcony for his evening chat with Petra. It’s all he’s thinking about as he sits across from her and she tells him about his day.

He’s not brave enough to ask her to take off her mask, but he keeps thinking of it. He watches the movement of Petra’s mask as her lips move beneath it. If he concentrates hard enough, he thinks he can see the trace of her mouth, can imagine the outline of her lips when she purses her mouth in a pout or when he thinks her lower lip sticks out as she ponders what to talk about next.

“When do you think we’ll be able to take off our masks?” Levi asks. He’s brave enough to ask this at least.

“Hmm,” Petra hums, and Levi swears he sees the shadow of her lips pressed in that thoughtful pout once more. It drives him crazy. “Maybe when enough people get vaccinated. It should be a few months? My friend mentioned it a little while ago. They said it’s amazing how quickly mRNA vaccines are being developed to treat COVID.”

Levi nods. He’s heard this as well when doing his own research, although the technical aspects of the vaccine and how it works to protect him against the virus are beyond him. Still, he trusts medical professionals more than he trusts random people on the internet swearing that vaccines are just a conspiracy theory.

“So if you were vaccinated and it was two weeks after your second dose … and you were only in the company of someone who also received their second dose two weeks ago … would you consider taking off your mask?” Levi asks. He doesn’t look at her, instead drawing circles on the floor of his balcony. He can feel the dust and grime coming off on his finger and makes a mental note to sweep and vacuum his balcony tomorrow morning.

“I’d consider it,” Petra says. When Levi looks up, Petra’s mask is shifted upward just the slightest bit and the corners of her eyes are crinkled. He wants to see her smile so much. “If the other person were okay with it, too, of course.”

“Of course,” Levi repeats, his voice a quiet murmur, and he leaves it at that because he’s afraid of asking more.

But he lets himself imagine that the vaccine will be out to the public soon and, once it is, he’ll finally have the courage to ask Petra if she’s willing to take her mask off. He lets himself imagine that she says yes. And he lets himself imagine that the first thing she does when she takes her mask off is smile.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Levi sits on the balcony with Petra at 1:58 AM. It’s the third night in a row that they’ve done this, sitting on their balconies with their masks on and the glow from their laptop screens illuminating their faces. Were Levi with anyone else, he would complain that this was an unreasonable hour to be up even if it is for the slim chance to snag a spot for a vaccine appointment, but because he’s up at this ungodly hour with Petra, Levi finds he doesn’t mind.

Technically, Levi doesn’t apply for a vaccine at this time. The rules are confusing, but he’s not supposed to schedule an appointment until certain other people have gotten their vaccines. People who are currently eligible are healthcare workers and essential workers. Petra, being a waitress in the food industry, is considered an essential worker and is thus eligible for the vaccine at this time. Is it irritating for Levi to watch other people get vaccinated before him? A little bit, but he’s glad Petra will soon get the vaccine. Unlike Petra, Levi works at home all day and is thus less likely to be exposed to the virus anyway. Even if he can’t book a vaccine appointment at this time, helping Petra book hers will help him prepare for scheduling his appointment when the time comes.

Petra yawns, using her elbow to cover her mouth even though she’s still wearing her mask. Levi feels horribly endeared watching her. She’s dressed in her pajamas — a cotton pajama set in black and white polka dot print and fuzzy cat slippers on her feet. Her hair is tied in a messy bun atop her head, stray locks of ginger falling around her face even though she wears a hairband meant to keep them away. Even as Petra continues to hit the refresh button, her eyelids droop and she looks as if she’s about to nod off to sleep soon.

“Abandoned slots tend to open up at 2 AM,” Petra murmurs to herself over and over. It’s like a mantra she keeps repeating, hoping that it’ll help her stay awake until she books herself an appointment. Levi doesn’t know how much it’s helping. “Abandoned slots tend to open up at 2 AM.”

“Should you really be staying up this late to book an appointment?” Levi asks. He hits the refresh button too, but the page remains the same. All appointments are full. “Don’t you have a morning shift tomorrow?”

Petra squints at him, concentrating as she fully registers his question. “Mmm, if I don’t get one at 2, then I’ll head right to bed.” Petra yawns again. As usual, she uses her elbow to cover her mouth. “I don’t know how people are booking their appointments so fast, but at least it seems like it’s a ‘first come, first serve’ type of thing. I heard it was worse at the hospital when they were first giving the vaccines out.”

Levi remembers hearing about it on the news and then hearing about it second-hand from Petra when she was talking about her doctor friend. There were some hospitals that determined vaccinations for their staff members by raffle, not even prioritizing doctors and nurses that were working first-hand with COVID patients. In the particular hospital that Petra’s friend worked at, COVID vaccinations were given out to higher-ranking doctors first regardless of whether or not they were working with COVID patients, which also caused a flurry of criticism from the hospital staff as well as media when the news broke out. The current system being used for front-line workers to get vaccinated certainly is inconvenient, but Levi doesn’t know what a better one would be.

“Just keep refreshing, just keep refreshing,” Petra says in a sing-song voice. She hits the refresh button robotically, but her eyelids are still drooping. Suddenly, she looks up, a little bit more awake than she was just a second ago. “Do you think my finger will fall off before I get an appointment?”

The mask hides the upward twitch of Levi’s lips. “I don’t think so,” he replies. He hits the refresh button and his eyes flicker to his screen. His eyes widen when he sees 10, 15, 20 spots open up at different pharmacies nearby. Quickly, he begins to turn his laptop around and points at the screen excitedly. “Wait, look!”

Petra takes one look at his screen and begins to tap around hers. She doesn’t even tell him that she sees them or thank him for alerting her because that would take a few extra seconds that might allow the appointments to fill up before she can claim a spot. Levi watches as Petra sits hunched over her laptop, the light from the screen allowing him to see how her brows are knit together in concentration as she types her information on the screen. She even has her insurance card ready beside her, filling in the necessary information easily. Levi doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone type that quickly in his life, and he normally hits 100+ wpm when he’s writing code.

Suddenly, Petra hits the enter key one last time and looks up. Her typing has halted entirely and she stares at Levi with a blank expression on her face. It’s difficult to tell whether she got the appointment or if all the available slots had filled up at the last minute. It’s just an appointment, one that Petra can probably book later this week if not tomorrow, but the anticipation is making Levi’s palms sweat.

“So?” Levi asks. He’s never felt like it was hard to breathe wearing his mask, but he’s feeling a little breathless now. “Did you get one?”

A beat passes. Then two. Then three.

Suddenly, Petra raises her arms, lifts her head, and lets out a yell that’s far too loud for 2 AM in the morning. It’s so sudden that Levi flinches, but he sees that Petra’s eyes are crinkled at the edges when she faces him again. “I got it!” she proudly announces. She’s swaying as she sits. She probably used all of her energy just booking that appointment. Considering how tired and sleep-deprived Petra has been for the past three days, Levi’s surprised that she hadn’t made a typo at the last moment and missed her chance.

He’s grinning from ear to ear, not that she can see. “That’s great. Good for you. When is it?”

“Tomorrow morning,” she says. Petra shoots him with an endearing finger gun and winks. It makes his heart flutter in the oddest way. She shuts the screen of her laptop and the blue light that was illuminating her face disappears. It makes it more difficult for Levi to see the lines and creases in her mask. It also makes it a little harder for him to imagine the smile hidden beneath the fabric covering her face. “I’m going to call in sick and come in for my appointment. I don’t care what my boss says. It’s better if I get the vaccine anyway even if I might get yelled at when I come in tomorrow.”

Levi furrows his brow. “Are you going to be okay the next day? The side effects …” His voice trails off.

“It should be okay,” Petra says with yet another yawn. She should really go to sleep, but Levi doesn’t have the heart to tell her to go just yet. “The side effects aren’t really an issue until the second dose, I hear. Although, some people who had COVID said the first dose kicked their butts. Since I haven’t had COVID, it probably won’t be a problem for me.”

“But you won’t go into work if you happen to feel adverse side effects?” Levi can’t help but ask.

Petra doesn’t answer for a moment, just looks at Levi for a moment before her eyes smile again. “You’re sweet,” Petra tells him, and Levi’s flustered. For some reason, he wants to deny it, to tell her that he’s just asking what any reasonably concerned friend would ask, but Petra speaks again before he gets a chance to. “Yeah, I’ll call in another sick day if I have to. Thanks for worrying.”

Levi is about to tell her that it’s not a problem. Of course, it’s not a problem because helping her doesn’t burden him in any way, but he bites his lip instead.

Petra stretches her arms above her head. She gives him another sleep smile, one that Levi can only see in her eyes again, and waves at him tiredly. “That was kind of fun in a hectic way. Thanks for staying up with me these past few nights.”

Levi fiddles with the sleeve of his shirt. “It’s so I know what to do when it’s my turn to make an appointment,” he mumbles. He cringes when he speaks. He doesn’t sound convincing at all.

“Then we’ll do it again when it’s your turn,” Petra says. She points her index finger at him. “It’s the least I can do after you stayed up with me. I should do the same for you.”

He tells her that she doesn’t have to, but Petra insists and won’t let him go back into his apartment until he agrees. They have an undecided date for when they book Levi’s appointment. Petra, ever the optimist, says that the system will probably be less hectic by the time Levi’s eligible, but Levi’s not so sure. Still, he feels quite content as he returns to his apartment.

Petra gets her vaccine tomorrow. Levi wonders if he should construct a care package for her when she comes back and leave it at her doorstep. Not anything fancy, he thinks, just the essentials just in case side effects hit: canned chicken noodle soup, tea and honey, Gatorade, and a small bottle of Tylenol just in case. That’s probably overkill though, Levi sighs. He can think about being nice and thoughtful all he wants, but he knows he’ll back out in the end because there’s a chance that he’s overstepping his boundaries. He should just play it cool. Play it safe. Just pop out on the balcony tomorrow night and ask her how it went, if she was nervous, if her arm hurts.

It’s fine. He doesn’t need to be her caretaker. It’s good enough that they’re neighbors, two people in a short-distance relationship of six feet (or more) apart, unlikely friends in this strange time. It’s too much for him to hope to find love in this time of COVID-19. It’s enough that they’re just two people helping each other stay safe from COVID and booking appointments together. Maybe in a month or two they can be friends who are fully vaccinated against the virus. Two people who still take precautions against the infectious disease but who can live life in a little less fear because their chances of contracting the virus are lowered to about 5%. Two people who can smile at each other without their masks on.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Levi gets his vaccine two months after Petra. Like many other people, he suffered few side effects from the first dose except for a sore arm the very next day. The effects of the second dose are far worse.

He was warned by Petra, who told him that the effects of the second dose were like getting hit by the flu virus and a truck at the same time. He was also warned by various anonymous persons on the internet that were kind enough to share their vaccine experiences on online forums as well as medical professionals that posted informative online videos on YouTube. No warning could have prepared him for how bad the side effects really were.

Levi feels the effects of the second dose ten hours after he returns home from his vaccine appointment. At first, his arm just aches and he feels slightly drowsy. He doesn’t think much of it, thinking that these effects are mild compared to what other people are experiencing. After a few more hours, his body feels terribly cold and his entire body is aching. Everything irritates him more than usual: the light streaming in from his balcony hurts his eyes, the rattle of the air vent is grating to his ears, and the pounding of his head makes him want to bang his head against the wall until he passes out. To put it lightly, he feels like shit.

Petra said she only felt some muscle pain and had a slight fever for a few hours, but Levi feels like he can barely walk. The night Petra had her second dose, she only came out for a few minutes to talk to Levi before leaving to sleep early, but Levi doesn’t think he can even manage that.

Lying on the couch with a blanket draped over his body and an ice pack on his head, Levi manages to reach for his phone on the coffee table and type out a brief text message.

Levi:

Staying in tonight. See you tomorrow if I feel better.

Petra:

🙁🙁🙁

I hope it’s not too bad.

Feel better soon!

I hope you feel better tomorrow 😊

Levi wonders what she means when she says she hopes he feels better tomorrow. Does that mean she hopes he feels better so that they can see each other tomorrow? Or maybe he’s overthinking it and she’s just being polite. It’s normal to say “hope you feel better” when someone is feeling awful, isn’t it?

He doesn’t want to think about this too much. He should just rest instead of mulling about what Petra’s messages really mean. With a sigh, Levi turns his phone screen off and leaves it face-down on the table so that he’s not tempted to check his texts every time he gets a new notification.

Levi settles down against the pillows on his couch and wraps his blankets around him. He’s already taken a Tylenol, but it has only managed to dull his headache and not get rid of it completely. His limbs still feel achy, although not in the unbearable way they did an hour ago. He wonders if he should eat something. He had downed a Gatorade when he first got home and then drank another bottle a few hours ago, but he hasn’t eaten much except for a slice of bread and half an apple. It would probably be best for him to eat something else, but he doesn’t have the energy to get up off the couch and prepare something. Even a packet of ramen feels like it would be too much for him to handle at the moment.

He tosses and turns on the couch until he finds a position that he doesn’t hate. He’s not sure how he’ll be able to sleep when he feels this uncomfortable. He thinks it’ll take him at least an hour or two, but he drifts off without realizing and doesn’t wake up until he hears the ringing of his doorbell.

Groggy with sleep and muscles still aching, Levi gets up from the couch, his blankets dragging behind him as he checks the door. When he looks through the peephole, he doesn’t see anything. He’s too tired to even be angry about someone ding-dong ditching his door and he’s too feverish to even wonder why somebody would ring his doorbell only to abandon his doorstep moments later. He’s about to walk back to his couch and collapse into another dreamless sleep, but the thought that he might have accidentally called for some takeout while in his post-vaccine delirium forces him to yank open the door.

There isn’t anybody in sight nor is there a bag of takeout. Instead, there’s a basket with a note on it. Levi bends down to read the neat script printed on the paper:

Hope you feel better soon! I made some food that might help since you’re probably not in the mood to cook for yourself. 😊

-Petra

Levi stands there and blinks at the basket of food, wondering if this is all part of his fever dream. Maybe he hasn’t woken up yet. Levi is sure he’s dreamed this all up, but his body hurts too much for him to be still dreaming. He’s about to go in and text Petra to ask her if she really had left the basket of food for him, but he looks up to see the apartment door across from him cracked open and his gossipy neighbor looking at him, only her eye visible. Startled, Levi quickly grabs the basket and shuts the door behind him with a slam.

He carries the basket with him to the couch, setting it on the table. When he picks up his phone, he sees he has over a dozen messages. Most of them, unsurprisingly, are from Isabel, but when he scrolls to the bottom he sees he also has one from Petra. He taps on that one first.

Petra:

Cooking post-vaccine sucks!! I know from personal experience 😥

Left you some goodies outside your door jic you don’t feel like cooking. I hope you enjoy!

If it’s from Petra, then it’s safe to inspect the package. Levi lifts the cloth covering the top of the basket and peers inside. He pulls out a colorful tumbler first. The container is a pretty and pastel peach color that fades to white at the bottom. On the side it has a label with the same neat handwriting the first note had. “Peach smoothie,” it says with the ingredients listed in smaller print at the bottom: peaches, banana, greek yogurt, almond milk, honey, vanilla & cinnamon. When Levi looks at the other containers, he finds that they’re labeled similarly.

It’s difficult to explain how Levi feels as he sits on the couch and eats the rice porridge Petra had packed. The porridge is still warm, steam escaping from the thermos when Levi had first unscrewed the cap. Earlier, he hadn’t been in the mood to eat, but now he finds he can’t stop as he shovels spoonful after spoonful of rich, hearty porridge in his mouth.

It’s warm, Levi thinks, and he continues to eat. He no longer feels the chills that had confined him to his couch and forced Levi to wrap himself in layers and layers of blankets. He just feels warm and content, the rich broth from the rice porridge filling his belly and warming him from the inside out. There are tender chunks of chicken breast that Levi devours hungrily and tiny pieces of julienned ginger that balance the porridge out with a kick of spice and just the tiniest bit of sweetness. Levi doesn’t remember the last time he’s eaten so well.

He feels … so content as he sits back against his couch, upright for the first time in hours. He nibbles on the apple slices had cut for him, making sure to admire the little rabbit-ears she had taken the time to carve into each one. In between sips of the peach smoothie, Levi ponders.

Is it normal for neighbors to make food for their neighbors when they’re feeling ill? Is it something good acquaintances do? Is it something friends do? The last one is possible, although Levi has yet to receive a care package from Isabel or Farlan. Then again, he wasn’t planning on sending them one for their second doses, although he’s seriously considering it after experiencing the second dose side effects firsthand. It could be that his post-vaccine delirium is causing him to imagine things that aren’t there: affection, fondness … love?

Levi downs the rest of his smoothie and decides to sleep it all away.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Levi does feel better the next morning, but he doesn’t feel entirely okay either. He feels … strange. While the symptoms he suffered from previously are now gone, Levi finds himself suffering from new ones. They aren’t as uncomfortable as everything he had yesterday — fever, body ache, chills, headache, to name a few — but they make him feel anxious nonetheless. He could be one of the few cases suffering from deadly side effects after the vaccine.

Like any person without a medical degree or a friend in the medical field, Levi takes to the Internet to find answers. He looks up all the uncomfortable symptoms he’s feeling: chest pain, heart palpitations, light-headedness. When he thinks he’s found a consistent answer among various medical sites, he immediately calls Farlan over Zoom.

“I think I’m dying,” he tells Farlan immediately after his friend picks up.

Farlan furrows his brow, his blue eyes filled with concern. “You mean … you didn’t manage to get COVID right before your second dose, did you?” Farlan runs a hand through his honey-blond hair, looking around his apartment for things he needs to drive over to Levi’s house: his wallet, keys, a first aid kit. “Are you okay? I’ll drive over there really quick.”

“No, no. Not COVID,” Levi says quickly. He rubs his hand over his chest. “It’s just … I’ve been feeling strange. I’ve been getting heart palpitations. Sometimes my chest hurts and I feel lightheaded. I think I might have myocarditis.”

Farlan blinks once. Twice. He takes a deep breath and then breathes out. Calmer now, he says, “I thought we talked about you self-diagnosing yourself with different diseases. Just because you’re a hypochondriac does not mean you’re qualified to make these types of calls about your health.”

“I’m serious this time!” Levi says. “It makes sense, doesn’t it? There are other people who have taken the vaccine and have developed pericarditis and myocarditis. I’m not being paranoid.” Levi admits to being quick to diagnosing himself with diseases in the past, many of which were probably impossible for him to contract in hindsight, but he doesn’t know why Farlan is scolding him for being careful about his health.

Farlan sighs. He leans back against his chair and rubs his eyes. “Alright,” Farlan says. He sits up. He doesn’t look angry anymore, just tired. “Tell me everything in detail this time and don’t leave anything out.”

“Well, I told you,” Levi says. “Chest pain and heart palpitations and dizziness -”

“And these all started right after you received your second vaccine?” Farlan asks.

“Yeah, I …,” Levi’s voice trails off. He pauses just a moment and realizes it’s not the first time he’s experienced these symptoms. He’s felt it once or twice before, these strange pangs in his chest and his heart fluttering oddly. “It happened before. When I was with Petra.”

Farlan smirks. “Well, congratulations. It looks like you’re not sick. You’re just an idiot,” he tells Levi and then adds, “and in love.” Before Levi can deny it, Farlan hangs up.

Levi is still spluttering at his screen when a message from Farlan pops up.

Farlan:

Ask her out.

Levi stares at the message even as a million little notifications from Isabel pop up asking him why he called Farlan without her. He thinks about the message. He thinks about asking Petra. He winces when the thought of it brings an odd, sharp pain to his chest, the same one he’s been feeling all morning.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Petra smiles when she sees him that night, her eyes crinkling the way they do when she smiles and her mask shifting upwards. Levi still doesn’t know what her smile looks like, but he’s imagined it every night for weeks on end.

“Feeling better?” she asks Levi. She leans against the railing, her arms resting on top. Levi stands his railing too, but he doesn’t lean against it the way Petra does. It’s perhaps the closest they’ve gotten in all the time they’ve spoken with each other. “The second dose is really something, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Levi mumbles. He wonders if he looks terrible, if his face is pale or cheeks flushed, if there are bags under his eyes, if he looks any thinner than he was the day before. He hopes he doesn’t look too horrible.

Petra rests her head on her arms, eyes looking up at Levi. “So what are you gonna do once your two weeks are up and you have the antibodies?” she asks. “I mean, don’t go crazy and crowd surf at an unmasked concert, of course, but maybe you could go out and eat at a restaurant if they have outdoor dining or something.”

“Actually, I was thinking of staying home,” Levi says. His palms are sweating already and his heart is doing that thing where it’s beating erratically against his chest. His head is feeling strange. There’s a chance that Levi might faint and fall off his balcony where he’ll fall four stories until he hits the ground. He almost doesn’t believe it when he hears himself say, “I was actually wondering if you wanted to eat dinner at my place once my two weeks are over.”

Petra’s eyebrows are lifted in surprise. Maybe if she weren’t wearing a mask right now, Levi would see her lips shaped in a perfect O. After a moment, she asks, “Are you really asking me to have dinner with you on your first night of being fully vaccinated?” Her tone is teasing. It makes Levi blush and he almost regrets asking her until Petra says, “I’d be honored. Do you want me to bring anything? I can cook pretty well.”

“If you really want to,” Levi says. He doesn’t know how he’s still standing. A part of him feels as if he’s still on his couch in a fever-filled haze, suffering from the effects of the second vaccine. There’s no way all of this isn’t a dream. Subtly, he wraps his arm around his torso and pinches himself in the ribs. It hurts too much to be a dream.

He’s two weeks closer to seeing Petra without a mask on.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

The night of the dinner, Levi finds himself frantically running around his apartment. He took the day off work just to clean his apartment even though he cleans it at least twice daily already. This time, he’s taken the liberty of dusting off the corners of the ceiling and making sure to get all the dirt from behind the furniture. He’s even cleaned the inside of each and every cabinet, including the very top cabinets that are a bitch for him to clean.

It’s overkill, Isabel and Farlan told him. They told him to just treat it like a normal dinner, to just pretend as if they’re the ones coming over instead of Petra, but Levi can’t do that. The difference between Petra and his friends is just too vast. For one thing, he knows that Farlan and Isabel don’t mind a bit of dust, but he’s not sure the same can be said for Petra. Because is so careful in following COVID prevention guidelines, he’s sure she would appreciate the extra time he takes cleaning his apartment just for her arrival.

He couldn’t decide what to buy for dinner. He knows Petra had offered to bring some food over for tonight, but it feels rude to assume that she’ll provide a full-course meal. The problem with ordering food himself is that he doesn’t know what kind of food she likes. Mexican? Italian? Chinese? Indian? There are too many possibilities. He doesn’t know if she has any food preferences or allergies either, and he’s far too nervous to ask her. Levi doesn’t know how to cook for shit, so ordering takeout is the norm for him, but it’s different when you’re ordering for another person. In the end, he orders one dish from different restaurants hoping that at least one dish will be able to satisfy Petra.

Then there’s the question of what to wear.

“Just wear anything,” Farlan groans. He’s splayed out in his chair and looking up at the ceiling. He hasn’t looked at the past dozen outfits Levi has suggested. “Wear your all-black grunge number or a three-piece suit. I’m sure it doesn’t matter.”

“I can’t just wear anything,” Levi hisses. “What will she think of me?”

“You’ve seen each other at 2 AM with only pajamas on,” Farlan points out. He yawns, not bothering to cover his mouth. “I’m pretty sure you two know each other well enough not to mind the other person’s fashion choices.”

“You should wear those tight leather pants,” Isabel says. She leans forward in her seat, her head in her palm with her elbow resting on her knee. “With that see-through shirt. And put some hair gel in your hair. Also maybe put on some eyeliner.”

Levi blinks. “I don’t have any of those things.”

Isabel groans. “I know, your wardrobe is sooooo boring!”

He shouldn’t have asked Farlan and Isabel for their help. He ends up with a mask, a sky-blue button-down, his darkest pair of jeans, and more anxiety than he had this morning. Petra should be here any minute and he’s feeling strange again. The same symptoms as before plague him: dizziness, pains in his chest, heart palpitations. The chime of his doorbell is enough to make him jump out of his seat on the couch and almost fall on the floor.

Levi scrambles for the door, pulling it open. There Petra stands, mask on and a bag full of food she’s prepared for tonight. She looked nice more than six feet away when they were standing on their balconies, but she looks even nicer standing right in front of him. He’s about to say as much when he notices the door across from them open and his neighbor’s eye peep out from the crack. Startled, he pulls Petra in just as she’s saying hello and slams the door behind her.

He breathes a sigh of relief only for his breath to hitch in his throat when he realizes that he’s trapped Petra in between him and the door. They’re standing far closer than six feet apart. It’s closer than six inches apart. It’s even closer than six centimeters. He can count every strand of ginger hair on her head, every eyelash, every freckle sprinkled across her cheeks.

Startled, Levi stumbles backward and apologizes. “S-sorry,” he stammers. His cheeks are flushed red with embarrassment, the heat made worse with his mask on. “The woman in the apartment across from me was staring.”

“Oh, yeah,” Petra says. She looks behind her, although there’s no way for her to see the neighbor now that Levi’s door is closed. When she turns back, her eyes are crinkled. “She talks a lot, that one.”

“Yeah,” Levi mumbles. He stares at Petra. He can’t help it. There’s a smile hidden behind her mask. He can see it if he only asks. He’s closer to seeing it than he’s ever been. Soon, he’ll know what lies beneath. Cautiously, carefully, Levi asks, “Would you like to take off your mask?”

“Sure,” Petra says. She unhooks the elastics from her ears. She removes the mask from her face, looks at Levi, and smiles.

It’s more beautiful than Levi could have imagined: a dimple in her cheek, freckles sprinkled across her skin that her mask had always covered until today, and just the slightest overbite in her smile. It makes Levi’s heart do a weird flip in his chest, worse than he’s ever felt before. His palms are sweating and he’s feeling light-headed. He’s not sure he’s even breathing.

Breathlessly, Levi tears off his mask. “Can I kiss you?” The question falls from his mouth without him thinking. He’s about to take it back and apologize for being too forward, but Petra takes a step closer to him.

Her smile is dazzling, growing wider as Petra takes a step. Her eyes crinkle the way they always did on the balcony. “Sure,” she says and reaches to place one hand on the back of Levi’s neck before pulling him in for a kiss.

It’s perfect.

[itsthestutterforme]

Firecracker 1/? (Dark!Ari Levinson)

Summary: Your friend dragged you out of the house for a girls night out until Y/F/N came across a scammer getting beaten up by some men in the mob. You knew that it wasn't any of your business but Y/F/N insisted on helping him and now you're in big trouble.

Notes: GIF is not mine, mentions of physical abuse, mentions of child abuse, Y/F/N = your friends name, Y/B/N= your brother's name

--

You can't believe Y/F/N managed to drag you out to downtown Boston. You can't deny that you're a hermit and Y/F/N is anything but. You never got the chance to leave your house except for school.

Your father was a perv that didn't like the idea of anyone talking to 'his girl' when he wasn't there. And your mother knew everything that was happening but decided to turn a blind eye.

You met Y/F/N on the one day you went to a cafe to unwind from your responsibilities. You turned off your phone and everything. Y/F/N said she knew a cool place that she wanted to take you.

It was a graffiti wall literally with beautiful pieces that spoke a thousand words about Boston's poverty.It was a learning moment.

You returned home around 11 pm and you got the worst of it. It was barely midnight when your neighbors called 911 because of your screams. You passed out and woke up in the ICU with three broken ribs, a fractured collarbone and a ripped rotator cuff.

Y/F/N was the only one who visited you and her parents made it their mission to get you out of your household and into theirs. You owe them everything.

"What's wrong?" "Nothing, why are we here again?" "To get out of our four walls. Between your training, school and work, we haven't had any time for ourselves." She explains. "True, but I would have thought a movie night and order a buffet of food, not going to germ central." You grumble.

"Take this, germaphobe." Before you could even turn your head, she lubed up her finger with saliva and shoves it in your ear. You duck your ear into your shoulder and shove her away with your free hand. "Ew! You fucking suck, Y/F/N." You scold.

Y/F/N's smile soon fades when she sees a man being held back by two men and punched by a third man. "They're going to kill him," she starts. "Don't involve yourself with the mob. The best we can do is call the police and pray they get here in time." "What if it was my dad back there huh? Or an old man?"

"Believe me, Y/F/N. That man is no saint. They don't pick up random people off the street, that man owes them something." "So we're just going to leave him there?"

"There's nothing else to do, Y/F/N. We don't want to get involved and put ourselves and our family in danger." "He has a family too," she turns to walk down the alley and you grab her hand.

She rips her hand away from your grip. "Hey! Pick on somebody your own size." She starts. "Beat it, lady. This doesn't concern you." One of the men grumbles. "Of course, we were just leaving." You announce, tugging on her arm but she refused to budge. "Please just go," you plead.

"Not a chance," "Why the fuck do you have to be this head strong, it's going to get you killed." "Then at least I'll die for something," the group of men approach us and you instinctively push Y/F/N behind you. You like to keep your head down and blend in, but you know what to do when shit hits the fan.

"Run when I tell you," you state. One man reaches behind him to grab a gun but you hit his throat with the curve between your thumb and index finger. He clutches his throat and you drop kick him in the face, ignoring the faint crack. The other man grabbed his gun and aimed it at you. In one quick motion, you step to the side and grab his wrist.

Slamming him into the wall with a fight grip on his wrist, you ram his hand into the wall until he dropped the gun. The remaining man let go of the injured man and ran into his car to leave. So much adrenaline was pumping through your veins that you don't even remember hearing the gun shot or the knick on your shoulder.

"Oh my God, Y/N. You're bleeding." She reaches out to touch you but you pull away. "I told you to leave it alone." You snap. You kneel next to the injured man who was spitting up blood. "You just signed a death wish," he says. "Yeah I know, let's get you to the hospital."

You and Y/F/N drove him to the hospital and they tended to your wounds. You were pissed at Y/F/N and didn't talk to her the entire ride home. "Oh come on, how long are you going to be pissed at me?" She asks but you just leave the car and walk into the house.

Scooping your cat, Iris, in your arms you walk into your room and kicked the door closed. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt," she says through the door. Iris hisses at the sound of her voice and you shush her. You lay on your back and Iris climbs off of you to sniff the freshly wrapped bandage.

"It doesn't really hurt that bad. Those meds work wonders." You tell her and she purrs as she rubs the side of her face against your nose.

"What do you mean he got away? The fucker owed me 100k." Ari grunts, jumping down from his chin up bar. He grabs a towel and wipes the sweat off of his face and neck.

"There were two women-" "Women? You let women get the jump on you." "One of them was smart, knew how to take away a gun with seconds. I'm pretty sure she killed Archer." Roy rambles.

"She what?" He stalks towards him and bared his teeth angrily. "Find the punk that stole my money and kill him. I don't care if he's in the hospital or not." Ari instructs.

"Dominic," he adds and waits for Dominic to enter the room. "I want everything on this.." "Y/N is all I could get and the other chick's name was Y/F/N." Roy finishes. "I want their exact location. I have to meet her myself before putting a bullet in her head."

**

You huff in annoyance when Y/F/N knocks on your door for the tenth time today. "I'm headed to a party, I was wondering if you want to come." "Why, did you plan on interfering with more mob business," you snark. "Oh come on, when are you going to let that go?"

You stomp over to the door and flung it open. "I can't just get over the fact that we saved some guy from being killed by the mob. The odds are that he owed him money and now the money has to be taken from somewhere else."

"How do you even know this?" She asked. "My parents owed the mob money," you say softly, your shoulder sinking at the thought of your parents.

"Y/N, I'm sorry." "Just forget it, and no I'm not going." "Come on, you only live once." You really wanted to tell her that there was a chance that the mob already found out where you live so they could put a bullet in your head. But you knew that it would cause her to break down.

You called in some reinforcements. Your parents old friends. That was not something you looked forward to but at least you're safe for now. "Fine, but pull the same shit you pulled the other day, and I'm knocking you unconscious." You threaten.

"Ah, this doesn't mean you're forgive. What you did was reckless and you can call me a hardass all you want but in the end, it's me saving your ass." You add when you notice her trying to give you a hug.

"I'm grateful to have you as my best friend," she says, pulling you in for a hug anyway. You roll you eyes under her embrace but didn't pull away first. You waited until she pulled away to open your closet and find a cute outfit. "If I buy you the twenty five pieces of sushi that you love, will you forgive me?"

You pull out a t-shirt dress, a black beanie and black Adidas. "You're making it really hard now," you say with a chuckle. "Sushi it is,"

You were ready in less than ten minutes and met Y/F/N in the car. They drove fifteen minutes to the next town where the party is and as soon as you arrive, you could smell the alcohol and sweat.

The house was practically shaking from the bass of the music. As soon as you and Y/F/N walk through the door, you knew it was going to be an uneventful evening for you.

The majority of the guys in here are either drunk or high off their ass. And even then, they look like they only have 2 brain cells. You let Y/F/N mingle with her friends while you make your way to the kitchen to get a drink.

Little did you know that Ari was there, he followed you from your house and thought it was the perfect time to talk to you without tipping you off about who he was.

He walked into the house not too long after you guys. He made his guys wait in the car and bribed a couple of mostly sober college boys to try to rough you up so he could see you in action.

He rounds the corner and watched as you bend down in the fridge to grab a bottle of tequila. He cocks his heads to the side as your dress hugged the curve of your ass.

He ducks back into the corner when you close the fridge and pours a hefty amount of tequila in a plastic cup. You slap on a cup condom and poke a straw through before going back to the party. You sit down on the couch and scroll through Tik Tok as you sip on your tequila, barely making a face when the liquid burns your throat.

"Yeah, she's definitely built different." Ari says to his goons on coms. He watches you tell a guy to fuck off with just a glare. "Y/N, come on. You're suppose to have fun a parties." Y/F/N scolds.

"I am having fun," you say, holding up your cup. "Hey, I thought you were cute and was wondering if.." a guy starts but soon trailed off when he sent him a glare.

"Nevermind, sorry." He says before leaving. "You still have to teach me that," Y/F/N states before grabbing your hand and yanking you to your feet.

She spins you around and makes you drop your drink. "Y/F/N!" You scold. "Sorry," she links her hand with yours and you two swayed to the beat of the music until you felt a pair of hands on your hips.

You let go of Y/F/N hands and spin around to face the guy. "Did I say you could touch me?" You ask. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt ya," "Like you could if you tried," you say with a chuckle. "You bitch," you felt a hand on your shoulder and didn't waste a second thought before punching him in the nose.

"Oh she's definitely going places." Ari makes eye contact with the guys he bribed and made the cut it off motion. You pull away from Y/F/N and advance to the kitchen to sit on the counter.

Ari approaches you and leans his back against the counter. "You've got a mean swing," He says, crossing his arms and stretching the fabric around his muscles.

"I'm mean period," you look up from your phone and he was not at all what you were expecting. Your eyes widened as you set eyes on Ari.

His silky hair was brushed back except for the curtain bangs that touches his cheeks. His beard is well groomed and that denim shirt hugged his well toned body perfectly.

"Yeah, I'm not much of a saint either," he says, his eyes drifting from your eyes to your lips. "I'm Ari," Your heart was racing in your chest under his gaze but you maintain your mean exterior. "Hey, I-" some guy starts. Ari stands up straight and rolls up his cuff lengths as he stares at the guy.

"Whoah dude, I'm sorry. I didn't know she was your girl." The guy surrenders. "Then you must be fucking blind." Ari's words sent a shock through your body.

You have to get out of here before you do something that you'll regret the next morning. You jump off the counter. "It was nice meeting you," you mumble before leaving.

"Hold on a second, sweetheart." You turn on your heel a little too fast and fell right into his chest. Damn it, Y/N. Get your shit together, it's just a guy. He smiles down at you and his hands fell on your arms as he caught you. "I never caught your name," he adds. "Y/N, who is this?" Y/F/N says.

"I'm Ari, nice to meet you." You froze in your place, not knowing what to do or say. "I'll be in the car," you say before rushing out of the house. "She must like you because she treats anybody else like shit,"

"Yeah, I noticed." He says, watching you leave the house. "You mind giving me your number so I could give it to her?" Y/F/N asks. "Sure thing,"

Later that night, Y/F/N drove to the sushi place for pick up. You waited in the car and stared at Ari's contact. Then you heard Y/F/N's scream and you rush out of the car without a second thought. She was dragged into a van with a black cloth bag over her head.

You moved to run after the van long enough to memorize the license plate until you felt a sharp pinch on the side of your neck.

Your vision blurred and the images of your surroundings started to spin. The next thing you knew, a black cloth bag was put over your head and you were carried into another van. "Y/F/N.."

When you finally came to, you felt tension in your arms and legs. You slowly lift your head and tried to make out your surroundings through the mesh cloth. The stench of sand dust danced through the air and tickled your nose. "Oh look, she's finally awake." A man states.

"Y/N!" A smack soon followed and Y/F/N's cries. You shake your head ferociously until the bag felt from your head. You inhale sharply when you see Y/F/N with a cut above her eye and a bruise forming on her left cheek. "If you want money, name your price and I'll wire it." You say as calmly as you could.

"Really, and you happened to have a hundred thousand dollars?" "I have my side hustles, just give me a computer." You answer. "I don't want your money," "Then what do you want?"

"We don't know yet. Boss said to rough you up." You brought your head up to look at him and a firm fist collides with your mouth.

You wince as your teeth cuts into your cheek and you spit out some blood that was pooling in your mouth from your wounds.

"Y/N," she whimpers and you shush her. The sounds of your breathing and Y/F/N's whimpers fills the room. "Alright, let's see what we got here." A familiar voice says.

Your head snaps to the man you met earlier that night: Ari. Chills roll down your back when you heard a gun cock. "P-please, we'll do anything you want. Just please don't hurt us anymore," Y/F/N begs. "It's not you that we want, sweetheart." "This is about what happened on Friday, isn't it?" You say with a sigh.

"You really are a sharp one, honey. I almost don't want to kill you." Ari says, gripping your chin harshly. "You know that she hired hit men to watch the house? They were good, but my men were better."

You stare straight into his eyes with the same fire and he clenches his jaw. "Looks like we've found our new district boss, boys." You were greeted with happy chuckles and chirps. "Kill the other one. No witnesses."

[andonutty]

meta post: ocd, mysophobia, and a revelation on my part.

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is… her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness… works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like… she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow… caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it.

— me, circa november 2020

the other day, i was writing a crossover ship fic for lilian when i ran into a problem. namely, the Touch Aversion problem. at first glance, the reasoning behind lilian’s touch aversion seems really simple: she hates germs and dirty things, so she wears gloves and washes her hands so frequently that they blister. since she has ocd and mysophobia, it makes sense for her to be obsessive about cleanliness and for her passive skill to be listed as cleaning. she doesn’t touch q84 in canon even in life-threatening situations, except for the very end, because she hates touching people. when anri kissed her, lilian was so grossed out that she imagined anri as a parasite. and when it comes to her taking off her glove and holding vincent’s hand... well, 

but upon replaying hello charlotte 3 and doing a little bit of digging with regards to the actual symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder and mysophobia, i realized something. and this “something” was a game-changer.

so let’s start off by defining some things. obsessive-compulsive disorder, shortened to ocd, has several diagnostic criteria, which you can read here if you’d like the full clinical definition. for the sake of length, though, i will only talk about the most important part to take away from the diagnostic criteria.

ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd. is. not. a fucking fear of germs. obsessions may involve cleanliness. compulsions may include wanting areas to be clean. it is entirely possible for ocd to be accompanied by mysophobia, but a fear of germs is not inherent to the diagnosis of ocd. what is inherent to the diagnosis of ocd is a repeated and pervasive series of intrusive thoughts which cause the person with ocd debilitating anxiety or distress, and a set of compulsions that the person with ocd performs in order to mitigate said anxiety. these compulsions do not need to correspond to the actual obsession. a lot of obsessions don’t. for example, your obsession could be around disliking cluttered environments, but your compulsion could be pacing a hallway fourteen times back and forth while mentally reciting the preamble to the american constitution. in some cases, the compulsion is related to the obsession but is generally considered excessive. remember that ocd is not characterized by a need for cleanliness and that it is instead characterized by ritualistic behaviour accompanied by obsessive thought patterns.

i also want to talk about this section in particular, taken from the website linked above:

D. The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder (e.g., excessive worries, as in generalized anxiety disorder; preoccupation with appearance, as in body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, as in hoarding disorder; [ ... ] ritualized eating behavior, as in eating disorders; [ ... ] thought insertion or delusional preoccupations, as in schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders; or repetitive patterns of behavior, as in autism spectrum disorder).

Specify if:

With good or fair insight: The individual recognizes that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are definitely or probably not true or that they may or may not be true.

With poor insight:  The individual thinks obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are probably true.

With absent insight/delusional beliefs: The individual is completely convinced that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are true.

i want to let the record show that lilian has several of these disorders. while i don’t believe that this disqualifies her from having ocd, i do think it’s important to note that there is comorbidity between these disorders.

i included this section on inslght because i’m going to go into depth why i believe lilian has absent insight/delusional beliefs. but in order to talk about that, we need to figure out just what it is that lilian is obsessively thinking, what it is that’s causing her so much distress. if ocd doesn’t inherently involve a need for cleanliness, then could it be that lilian’s obsessions revolve around her mysophobia? after all, mysophobia is germaphobia, so maybe she’s just scared of germs, and that’s why she’s always washing her hands.

so, let’s talk about mysophobia. it isn’t listed under the dsm v on its own, but it does exist (albeit not by name) under the umbrella term specific phobia disorder. you can look that up yourself, but from the research i’ve done, i can fairly safely say this: mysophobia, more commonly referred to as germaphobia, is not a fear of germs for the sake of fearing germs. it is a fear of being contaminated, sick, or infected, whether it be through other people or through the environment. symptoms of mysophobia include but are not limited to obsessive handwashing, an extreme avoidance of places that are deemed unclean, and excessive planning to avoid contamination. this separates it from ocd in that ocd involves ritualistic behaviours (like handwashing) to ease anxiety, whereas mysophobia involves these ritualistic behaviours to actually make the area cleaner. to summarize, mysophobic actions are directly related to the fear of contracting an illness.

okay, kids, what have we learned?

though ocd can be accompanied by mysophobia, the two of them are not synonymous. ocd is a pattern of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours designed to ease anxiety surrounding those thoughts.

there are lots of comorbidities present with ocd and other disorders lilian has, such as autism spectrum disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, and psychotic disorders.

mysophobia is more accurately defined as being afraid of being infected or contaminated. mysophobic compulsions relate directly to the desire to eliminate contaminants, rather than being a self-soothing action to reduce anxiety.

now that we’ve laid the groundwork for analyzing lilian’s behaviour, let’s dive into canon. what can we say about lilian’s anxious preoccupations? what excessive planning does she undergo to avoid contact with germs? and, most importantly, why is she perfectly fine with holding vincent’s hand? (it’s still bad writing, but i found an explanation that makes it better)

the most obvious sign of both ocd and mysophobia present in canon is lilian’s intense preoccupation with handwashing. we only see this happen once, in hello charlotte 2.

i’ve removed some sections for the sake of length, but here are some revealing lines from lilian:

My fellow students smashed my head into a worm soup.

I can’t [stop washing my hands]. I’ve washed off [most] of the soup, but I still feel dirtied.

In fact, everything I touch feels contaminated. I can’t just shake off the feeling of disgust.

between ocd and mysophobia, this reaction seems very solidly linked to the latter. lilian’s head was dunked into soup, and she felt disgusted and contaminated, so she began to obsessively wash the soup away. the only other place where handwashing is mentioned is in lilian’s mind exhibition in hello charlotte 3.

in this poem, lilian attributes her handwashing to her ocd, where she writes, “wash and repeat! it’s not enough!” she doesn’t state in this poem if she does this to reduce the possibility of getting sick or if she does this as a compulsive ritual. both interpretations are plausible, given the vague statement “it’s not enough!”. perhaps it’s not enough because she still feels contaminated, or it’s not enough because she has not been rid of the anxiety caused by her intrusive thoughts. maybe it’s a little bit of both.

however, excessive handwashing does not a disorder make. sure, lilian washes her hands until they blister, but why? what is she trying to avoid? in the example in hello charlotte 2, she’s washing off soup. this is a direct response to an uncomfortable situation and not to an anxious preoccupation. in her poem, she offers no hint as to what is causing her so much anxiety that she needs to wash her hands compulsively. and once you start to pick through her behaviour in search of a thread of obsessive thinking, it starts to become clear that there might not be one.

the truth is, lilian’s actions in canon are generally inconsistent given the definitions listed above. her touch aversion is implied to be caused by her mysophobia, but she has no real plan for avoiding touch besides wearing gloves, which she ditches anyway when touching vincent. in heaven’s gate, it’s implied to be more of an aromantic or asexual thing. (i say aromantic because the scene was a little weird about not dividing the line between romantic and sexual attraction, so even though lilian’s canonically asexual, the scene was actually talking about kissing and dating and might have just been a ploy to get nonconsensual kissing in because that’s apparently mandatory in like every game anri appears in.) but that doesn’t make much sense either, considering that platonic and otherwise non-sexual touch is also off-limits.

we return to the intense, excessive and obsessive nature of both ocd and mysophobia. passing fears of contamination or infection don’t classify as mysophobia, and vague and isolated anxieties don’t classify as ocd. the individual has to be intensely preoccupied by these thoughts. however, in canon, lilian is generally not preoccupied with getting sick or dirty until it actually happens to her. her goal in life is to become a doctor, a profession that involves repeated and close contact with infectious diseases. she also takes care of her bedridden mother, which in many cases involves helping the individual with their personal hygiene. her mother is the reason why she wants to become a doctor in the first place, and since anri knows about this dream, it’s fairly safe to assume that this is lilian’s own dream, not scarlett’s. however, in hello charlotte 3, when q84 is wounded, she asks lilian to treat her wounds, and lilian’s response is as follows:

this is further reinforced when q84 is decomposing after having used her wish, and umbrella man states that lilian is fighting the urge to vomit. however, in the infirmary scene, lilian is quite comfortable with being physically close to q84, even when there is a possibility for skin contact. note how charlotte’s hair (which has the possibility of carrying bacteria, skin flakes, etc.) is close to lilian’s face, but how lilian seems quite content, even relaxed.

this is stressful! what is the truth?

on top of that, we know for a fact that, despite being mysophobic, lilian has no issue (at least in hello charlotte 2) with using public bathrooms at school, something that is generally a huge obstacle for people struggling with mysophobia. in true realm, this is never addressed, which lends credence to the idea that she simply doesn’t worry about the transmission of germs in shared spaces like bathrooms, nor is she worried at all about using anri’s smartphone to take blackmail pictures when screens are generally a hotbed of germs. we could say that she makes such liberal use of her gloves that she doesn’t even think about the germs living on them (unlikely), but then she’d likely have a panic attack when she does things like touch her face, which she does in at least one of her sprites.

in fact, the only thought she has about cleanliness in true realm flashbacks is in one of the final ones. she thinks the following: “we lie on the floor for a long time. i briefly wonder if it’s properly vacuumed.” this is, like, a normal thought. i can’t stress enough how normal this thought is and how quickly this thought passes. i cannot stress enough how little she cares about the cleanliness of this floor.

so, like, what gives? why does lilian wear gloves? why does she say she’s squeamish in false realm or want to throw up when holding charlotte? and most importantly, how is she mysophobic when she doesn’t seem to fear germs at all?

the answer fucking blew my mind, folks. are you ready? here it is.

This world is swarming with parasites. Tiny. Invisible. Tenacious. Once they outwit your immune system, they eat you from the inside. Use you as an incubator for their offspring. Control your mind and alter your personality. They keep reproducing, and reproducing, and reproducing, endlessly reproducing. Until every single person is consumed by the disease.

from this excerpt, we can glean the following:

the parasite lilian is describing is a disease that targets the immune system;

the parasite functions by controlling its host like a puppet and altering aspects of their personality, potentially causing them to act in a way that is uncharacteristic; and

the parasite’s goal is to reproduce and to eventually infect everyone in the world.

these are the very first lines in the very first flashback to true realm. an echoing of these very lines are found later, when lilian is saying them to q84. note that, according to etherane, it has been many, many years since these words have first been uttered. but lilian manages to quote them verbatim. given that she can recite these lines perfectly years after her death, it seems that this is a comforting mantra about the world’s truths. and from that, we can gather that repeating this mantra is one of her compulsions, alongside handwashing.

this is it. this is the root of lilian’s mysophobia. these lines accurately explain a pervasive delusion that manifests both in lilian’s thoughts and in her visual hallucinations. more accurately, it is the mantra that describes the “o” in lilian’s ocd and the illness that causes her mysophobia. the parasite is the disease she’s afraid of contracting, and that fear is the intrusive thought that brings her so much anxiety. i tried to compile a list of all the times lilian or someone modelled after her has mentioned contamination, a preoccupation with purity, a parasite, a tumour, rottenness, or anything relating to this core concept, but there was just... so much. the entire world of hello charlotte is based around parasites and mind control. the deus ex machina of this world is a parasite itself. all charlottes have the disease. this world is literally obsessed with the delusion lilian’s held her whole life.

and now that we’ve framed it like that... is it any wonder that this is the obsessive thought? something we’d previously assumed to be a persistent metaphor is actually an intense preoccupation. lilian’s inconsistent actions in canon make sense because she’s not worried about contracting a physical illness, but rather a mental one that’s linked to a persistent delusion of hers. throughout canon, we see no instances of lilian questioning this belief, leading her to be classified as having absent insight/delusional beliefs.

before i continue, i want to mention that the pitfall many hello charlotte fans fall into, and the one i myself have fallen into in the past, is assuming that lilian was always unable to touch others. though she wears gloves throughout the entirety of the true realm flashbacks, she was actually alright with making contact with others up until a specific point in her life. and, interestingly enough, it was not vincent's death that spurred on this change. a full three months pass between his death and the time when lilian's mental health took a nosedive. the critical moment of change involves the very last flashback: 531 days before the trial.

lilian and anri decide to run away together. however, lilian was actually planning a double suicide. upon learning this, anri grows agitated, punching lilian and pinning her down to the floor. it's at this point that lilian realizes anri's feelings for her. after anri kisses her, she becomes a parasite. when lilian gets home, she checks on mother and realizes that mother has become a parasite as well.

from this day onwards, lilian begins to see everyone in her life as a parasite. she says it herself: "That moment I realized. I could never touch a human being ever again." this is the start of her intense touch aversion and marks the beginning of the end of her life. it’s at this point that lilian becomes physically repulsed by everyone around her and the environment she exists in, and these feelings generally persist, albeit on a lesser scale, in false realm.

but what is the parasite? in true realm, the parasite is only described in lilian’s mantra, but there are several nuances to the definition that go unexplained. however, in false realm, parasites take a variety of forms. similarly to how scarlett and umbrella man are reflections of lilian’s inner self that take shape as their own entities within false realm, lilian’s definitions for what a parasite is also breaks off and takes shape into various different forms after her death. when we examine what parasites are in false realm, we can begin to understand what makes someone turn into a physical deformity in lilian’s eyes and why she’s so afraid of the parasite in the first place.

there are three kinds of deformities in false realm. there is the oracle (left), the bullies (upper-right), and the faceless (lower-right). these are not all official terms, but they’ll be the ones that i use going forward.

the oracle is the entity that most closely follows the original logic of the mantra — it is an entity that rapidly multiplies (either through a race like the pythias or organically through cell division as it does in hello charlotte 3) and forms a collective out of several individuals. hello charlotte 2 explains that unification of a civilization is an arduous and painful procedure involving the slow loss of individuality until the race completely submits to the will of the parasitic host. the oracle is, to summarize, an entity that can “control your mind and alter your personality”. the oracle is the only parasite that ever enters another’s body. the other two forms of parasites are never called parasites themselves, but show visible deformities that house tenants and other important characters do not.

the faceless visually signify a lack of importance. these people do not do anything special. in some cases, they appear as a literal amalgamate, showing a hive-mindedness even if they are not being controlled by the oracle. these individuals are usually treated neutrally, and are not generally considered “bad”. they are simply narratively unimportant. by contrast, bullies do have faces, but they are vastly distorted and exhibit bright colouring. i may talk a bit more in a future post about colour symbolism and how it plays into both lilian’s and q84′s mysophobias, but to briefly summarize: the presence of colour is considered a contaminant, whereas white is considered an absence of colour and therefore “pure”. therefore, the brightly-coloured bullies are contaminated. these individuals show corrupted behaviour. they hurt others for personal gain, and are generally considered irredeemable.

in true realm, however, we see no such stylistic distinction. however, though they are not represented visually, the parasites in true realm show the same patterns as the oracle, the bullies, and the faceless.

now that we have determined what the parasite is, we can determine how the parasite spreads. as previously stated, the parasite does not spread through shared surfaces or skin contact, as normal viruses do. lilian herself seems to treat it like it's just chance, like the parasite just chose to infect people randomly. but there are some things that she says that lends credence to the idea that the parasite is discriminate. after all, though her delusional belief is that the parasite will attach itself to any host it comes into contact with, this delusional belief did come from somewhere. and after examining the process of contamination over the course of the two or so years we see of her life, i believe this belief stemmed from her black-and-white views on good and evil and her penchant to see life as a narrative.

the first outcropping of parasites in lilian’s life were likely the faceless. she seems much less perturbed by them, and seem to view them as simply background pieces. this may be because of her belief in “protagonist” characters. in false realm, q84 makes liberal use of the term “npcs”, though all charlottes seem to have a concept of other students being faceless and subservient to them. this is a tenuous connection, but i believe lilian shares a similar belief. she may consider others "narratively unimportant”; that is, lacking direction or initiative, or perhaps simply not making an impact. she prides herself on being an observer, but she is undeniably the self-hating protagonist of her story. she says that if there is an afterlife, she doesn’t want to be its protagonist. this implies that on some level, she’s considered herself the protagonist of her own life. it’s definitely plausible given lilian’s tendency to project negative traits on others for her to see herself as comparatively good or blameless. by placing her own negative traits onto scarlett, for example, lilian creates a shaky ideal self. in other words, she creates a somewhat worthy protagonist.

and worthiness is incredibly important to lilian. a strong recurring theme in hello charlotte is the notion of “goodness”, especially when it relates to being polite. for example, in hello charlotte 1, a door refuses to open for you if you don't say please, and will call you insolent. all charlottes strive to be a “good girl” because their mothers told them to. interestingly enough, this is also what lilith tells lilian in true realm. since all charlottes have this strict adherence to being a good girl, this must have been very impactful for lilian. being considered “good” must have been very important to her. and being considered “bad” must have been similarly devastating.

knowing that charlotte is lilian's self-insert oc makes things even clearer. charlotte embodies an extreme selflessness, wanting to sacrifice herself for the good of others at any cost. any desire she has to be saved is rapidly dismissed as selfish, and she repeatedly states that she doesn't want to be a burden. charlotte's character makes a clear statement: good people are not burdensome. good people have faith in humanity. good people believe in others, and they help others even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.

the delusion is lilian’s failsafe. it’s her way of ensuring that she could never consider herself a bad person or a burden. in creating the narrative of a contagious parasite infecting the world, lilian is protecting herself from personal responsibility, both in herself and in others. instead of maintaining her belief that some people are evil, which she would consider a Bad Belief to have, she believes that they have simply caught a contagious disease. the bad-person disease, if you will. and since that disease alters the mind and personality of its hosts, these people are not directly responsible for their actions. here, lilian is absolved of hating people who hurt others. now, like charlotte, she can simply wish for their recovery. because they aren’t choosing to hurt others. they’re being manipulated into it by an invisible, malicious, contagious puppeteer.

a similar logic is applied to those lilian finds burdensome. since good people, in her eyes, can make themselves a martyr no matter the circumstances, it would be considered very bad if lilian could not do the same. this is evidenced when mother turns into a parasite. in that scene, lilian thinks the following:

It'd be easier if my mom was a workaholic who was never home. It'd be easier if we hated each other. It'd be easier if I didn't remember the days when she was still full of energy. Who would want to admit [to] their parent giving up on life and slowly rotting in the bedroom? Who would admit to thinking of their only parent as a parasitic existence? After that day, nothing was the same anymore.

in this instance, the word “parasite” is used to describe a leech, someone who constantly takes and never gives back. and in using this word to describe them, lilian relegates them in her mind as bullies, because she can’t admit to feeling burdened.

we see this also in anri. it’s not the physical action of the kiss that turns anri into a parasite. it’s the realization that anri has always had ulterior motives, that anri expects something of lilian. and lilian, feeling burdened, projects her own guilt about her lack of reciprocation onto anri. even at the end of her life, when she’s in the ocean, she reveals that one of her greatest regrets is not being able to reciprocate anri’s feelings.

vincent, on the other hand, is a charming stranger. he never gives lilian any reason to suspect that he may have ulterior motives. he’s successful, driven, popular, and talented. in many ways, he’s everything lilian wants to be. and since she doesn’t meet him for a long time, she can imagine him to be simply “the blinding icon on her screen“. she can project anything she wants onto him, and she chooses to project hope onto him. with his politeness, his charm, his compliments, he appears to be the ideal human. like lilian, he has managed to avoid being infected by the parasite. lilian grows attached to this interpretation, just as she grows attached to the mutuality of her friendship with anri, and just as she grows attached to her love for her mother. lilian doesn’t want to think of these people as parasites. in vincent’s case, he dies before he ever gets the chance to burden her. rather, he leaves her with the guilt of not being able to follow him and a misplaced idolatry of him and his beliefs.

the parasite, being a visual representation of perceived evil intent, seems to be non-contagious in nature. this doesn’t change, though, that lilian believes it is contagious. she wants to spend time with people she has deemed good, and to avoid bullies. however, the simple act of feeling burdened is enough to make lilian believe that the parasite is spreading at a breakneck rate and that the world she lives in is becoming more and more contaminated. once she feels she’s lost her support system, the parasite begins to spread, and she begins to feel less and less inherently good. it’s clear that the people around her had a stabilizing effect on her. but once she feels abandoned, her unhealthy coping mechanisms begin to catch up to her. lilian describes herself as filthy by the end of her life, and it’s very likely that she feared becoming a parasite herself if she were to continue down the path she was on.

the last piece of the puzzle is this: what saved anri and mother for so long, and what saved vincent from becoming a parasite altogether? after all, anri is a perfect candidate for developing the parasite, and arguably, so is mother. both of them rely on lilian for different things, and anri actively engages in blackmail. it would be simple as well to see c as disingenuous or fake. but lilian doesn’t entertain any of those thoughts, either for a very long time or at all. why?

the answer is simple. the people that lilian loves are less likely to be infected by the parasite. even if they are infected, she is kinder to them. after anri says she’ll leave lilian, after her confession and her subsequent contamination, lilian lets anri cuddle her. she even hugs anri tightly before they part, and keeps in contact with her until... well, just before she commits suicide. despite the relationship between lilian and her mother being one-sided, lilian holds onto pleasant memories of her mother because she doesn’t want to believe that she could feel burdened. and lilian is so attached to her love for c that she doesn’t see anything wrong with him.

all of this is to say that lilian’s touch aversion does not stem from physical cleanliness, but rather her perception of the other’s purity. this means that she’s not only willing to touch others if she deems them a “good person”, but that she is actively okay with it. this is evidenced even in false realm, where she is alright with exchanging casual moments of intimacy with charlotte and q84, such as in the “take my hand” scene and in the infirmary scene. since she loves these individuals, she sees them as inherently better people than she would if she viewed them objectively. this is a game-changer when it comes to touch-aversion. with respect to the charles/vincent ships where lilian’s okay with kissing... that’s a different story. even though saliva may not trigger her mysophobia, we’ve seen on multiple occasions both in canon and in heaven’s gate that lilian is indifferent to mouth-kissing at best. however, she is definitely comfortable with some displays of physical affection with those she cares for, and is generally willing to excuse much more when it comes to those she loves.

thank you for reading this post in its entirety! i did not expect it to get this long, so if you got to the end, i just want you to know i love and appreciate you SO much

[ssatoritendou]

Baby It’s Cold Outside

iwaizumi hajime 

Pairing: iwaizumi/reader

Word count: 3.8k 

+ summary: Oikawa plans a wonderful holiday weekend for you all the horrible part is your enemy and former crush Iwaizumi is going. He is awfully rude to you but is acting like your best friend so not to anger Tooru. Could this weekend get any worse? 

Genre: enemies to lovers; fluff 

Damn Oikawa Tooru. Damn the entire Oikawa family at this point if someone can make a person like him possible. His brilliant idea to get together and stay in the cabin. You had all been at different universities. Well, almost all of you. You and Iwaizumi attend the same uni. One would think after attending Aoba Johsai together and ending up in the same uni you would still be friends. But no. In fact, just after graduation, he cut you off. He said to you in a text message after you innocently said can’t wait to make more memories with you for the next four years, ‘I was only friends with you for Oikawa. You were his friend that just tagged along. I think it would be best if you and I didn’t interact at uni.’ A little difficult if you are both freshmen and take a majority of the same courses since you were both under the same major. But here’s the icing on the top: he acting like your best friend on this trip. And Tooru is making you share a room. Here is all how it started. There was knocking on your dorm door at 6 in the morning on a Saturday. “What?!” “Jesus I take it you're not a morning person.” Iwaizumi said standing in your hallway like he has been up for hours. “I’m assuming you got Shittykawa’s text last night?” “Yeah what do you not want me to go?” He rolled his eyes at this. “No Oikawa asked me to make sure we took the same train together since we go to the same uni.” “Well if he asked then fine. Can you go now? You messed up with my morning routine.”

That was a week ago. You had just finished exams. Now you get to relax on a long vacation with your friends and Iwaizumi Hajime. When you arrived at the cabin you were greeted by Mattsun, Makki, and for lack of better terms Shittykawa. “Iwa! N/n! Finally, you are here. I hope Iwa is taking care of my little N/n.” “Baka! Of course, I am.” Iwaizumi said in a huff. “Can we go inside now? It’s freezing out here.” He was lying to Tooru. His best friend since diapers. Straight lied. You hadn’t talked to him since graduation. “This way my good friends,” Oikawa said, leading the group forward on the lightly snowed path. You were picking up your bag when Mattsun picked it up. “I carry it myself, Issei.” You said laughing. “Nonsense why would I let you the clumsiest person I know carry her bags in the snow.” He said. You started to get cocky and walked backward. “Please it’s not even snow-” You ended up slipping on the ice cover by the snow. “I see your point.” “Just hold on to my arm.” He said trying to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. “Always a gentleman Mattsun.” You were trailing behind the others further away from Tooru. See Mattsun knew what Iwaizumi said to you and how he blatantly ignores you. “I have a question, are you guys friends?” “No. Not even close. I have no clue why he lied to him. Makes me think that if Tooru asks about me does he lie about that too. Just last week when we were invited Tooru asked him to take the same train as me. But he was still completely rude.” “I have no clue what his problem is. I didn’t know he had so much disdain towards you. He was always so nice to you in school.”   You shook your head at this comment What could you have done to offend Iwaizumi Hajime so much?

“Shittykawa how could you not know there were only 3 bedrooms!” Iwaizumi shouted at him. “I’m sorry Iwa but look at this place it was nice and big for an affordable price for all of us.” Oikawa shuddered under the angry gaze of the former wing-spiked. “It’s fine, it's not like we haven’t slept in the same bed before,” Makki said. “Or seen each other naked.” “No one here has seen N/n naked or slept in the same bed as her,” Oikawa said. “Yes and I attend to keep it that way. So I think that settles and I get my own room.” “Hell No!” Iwaizumi, Makki, and Mattsun yelled. “I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t share a bed or room with Oikawa Tooru again,” Makki said. “He either sleeps like a mummy with headphones and a face mask in the middle of the bed.” Iwaizumi said. “Or he stays up all night watching stuff on his laptop,” Mattsun said. “Fine, then I’ll stay with Mattsun.” You said. To this statement, Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. “Fine with me.” Mattsun put his arm on your shoulder with a smile. You picked his hand off your shoulder. “You sir are sleeping at the foot of the bed.” “I’m just messing. I’ll bring our bags to a room.” Mattsun picked up the bags and walked down the hallway. Iwaizumi and Makki did the same. “You knew it had 3 bedrooms, didn’t you? To get a room all to yourself?” “N/n I would never!” He laughed.

You wanted to shower after a long train ride and as you went to open the door to your room. Makki opened the door. “Y/n I wouldn’t go in there. Mattsun is sick and I know how much of a germaphobe you are. And I shared a drink with him earlier. So you have to share a room with Iwaizumi.” You flinched away from Makki and the room in general. A nightmare. Nightmare. “Ok. Tell Mattsun I hope he feels better and I hope you also don’t get sick as well.” “Thank you,” Makki said. You walked down the hall and knocked on the door. “What do you want?” “Mattsun is sick and Makki drank from his water today.” “Oh, right you are a germaphobe. So we are sharing rooms. Just great.” “Yeah yeah. Can I take a shower? I need to get the train germs off me and Mattsun's germs. Like right now.” You said in a haste to hope into a scalding shower to get this gross feeling off of you. It started to itch in the back of the brain. “Yeah, I guess.” He moved out of the way. “Where are your bags?” “I think Issei still has them. I’ll just go and get them.” “No. I’ll get them. Just go take a shower.” He said in a huff.

“Jesus Christ, what happened to your arms?” Iwaizumi asked. “I cleaned myself.” “I’m just going to go shower you can get dressed.” He walked into the bathroom. “Y/n is barely any soap left.” “Sorry.” You quickly got dressed in your pajamas and took whatever extra pillows you could find and made a wall in the middle of the bed. You laid down leaving the desk lamp on for Iwaizumi. “What’s that?” Iwaizumi asked while pointing at the pillow brigade. “Something to keep us apart and respect each other's boundaries.” “Huh. Typical.” “And what does that mean?” “Oh, nothing I just know you wouldn’t do this for your precious Issei.” “Actually no because he is nice to me and isn’t fake nice to me just to make Tooru feel better.” “You want to break his heart?” “What does that mean?” “Uh nevermind. Good night.” He yanked the chain on the desk lamp off.

“So what are we going to do today?” Mattsun asked with a mask on. “Why don’t you take that stupid mask off for starters. You too Makki.” Iwaizumi said to them. “We are both sick and we are respecting Y/n’s boundaries.” “There is a great town nearby with cute little shops. There is a small ski and park.” Oikawa said with a cheery tone. “Let’s shop first for an hour then go to that park,” Makki suggested. “Cool with me. Let’s go.” You got to the little town and it was a little kitschy but overall it was cute. You got an idea when you saw a drug store to call Sakusa. He knew all the good ways to prevent colds and any illness. “L/n what is the reason you are calling me or is it because you found another sanitizer that works well.” “No no. I was wondering if you have any recommendations for cold medicine. One of my friends that I’m traveling with is sick and I wanted to get him the best medication.” “Mmm. Symptoms?” “Congestion, wet cough, runny nose.” “Stick with the basics Mucinex and even a neti pot. It will flush out everything.” “Who the fuck are you on the phone with?” Iwaizumi said out of nowhere starling you. You put up your hand annoyed. “Thank you again Sakusa. Sorry to bother you on holiday.” “No trouble. Have a nice trip with your friends.” You smiled and hung up. “Why were you talking to Sakusa Kiyoomi?” He said with a snarl. “I was asking him about cold medicine for Issei and Makki. Why did you follow me?” “I didn't. Oikawa told me to find you after you peeled away from the group. Why do you have his number?” “That’s really none of your business. You aren’t my friend, remember.” You said you open the door to the drug store. And of course, he followed you inside. You picked out the things you need for your friends. “Why do you call Mattsun and Oikawa by their first names?” “Because they asked me too. Why are you so curious? Are you jealous, Hajime?” You emphasized his first name which you have never said to him in the time you have known him. “Don’t call me that.” “Why does it bother you Hajime?” “Yes.” “Fine then I won’t.” You pecked his cheek and left the store smiling, leaving him speechless.

After a full afternoon of shopping, you became tired and started to get a headache. “Guys I think I’m getting sick I think I’m just going back to the house. You guys can go ahead without me.” “Ahh. My poor little N/n I’m sorry.” “If you are going to go back maybe I should walk you back,” Mattsun said. “Issei you don’t have to. Just stay here and have fun in the snow.” You smiled. “Iwa said he didn’t even want to go.” You cringed at the idea of spending the rest of the day with him alone. “I actually changed my mind Shittykawa.” “It’s fine guys I can walk back by myself.” To this Mattsun and Makki laughed. “Just enjoy the afternoon. I'm probably just going to sleep anyways.” “Ok be careful though N/n!”

“Why did you tell Y/n to be careful?” Iwaizumi asked Mattsun. “Why do you care?” Mattsun scoffed back on the ski lift. “Huh?” “One would think the great Hajime Iwaizumi would notice how clumsy she is. Like really clumsy. Slipping off the couch clumsy while just sitting there. Why do you act like such a dick to her? Huh? Then proceed to lie to Oikawa that she is fine. You don’t know a thing about her.” “She told you.” “I was there when you sent that text. She was hurt really bad. She didn’t know what she did wrong. And the worse part is I couldn’t tell her to put her mind at ease. Because you know why? Because she was very kind and respectful towards you. For three years. She cried. And she is going to hate me for saying this but she really liked you. She didn’t say anything afraid of how Oikawa would react. You put up a front for three years acting so kind towards her and took care sometimes too, I thought you liked her back. But you did that to her and broke her heart. For what?” Iwaizumi was shocked at Mattsun's sudden outburst. He was always a man of few words and relied more on actions. “Forget it.” He said in a huff and got off the lift to ski. While Iwaizumi sat there confused. You liked him. For the longest time, he thought you liked Oikawa or Mattsun based on how you treated them. He sat back and thought about how you acted around him in your high school years. You were always cautious around him but ask how he was doing and if he needed help with anything. Most of the time it was English and you were really good at it. But you stayed a comfortable distance away from him but never looked at him in his eyes when talking to him. He picked up on that around your second year. You would always look at the tip of his nose or at his brow line. He also picked up how close you were with Mattsun. He would always touch you. Hug you from behind, pull your places, give you head pats, pick you up, etc,. He thought maybe he liked you too and he couldn’t make a move if one of his friends like you. He made the decision to distance from you in college hoping his feelings would die without seeing you. But if you liked him this whole time… Shit he messed up big time. You hate him and worse of all he was resentful that his feelings for you were reciprocated and was horribly mean to you. The lift came back to its station. “Hey, dude are you gonna get off?” Iwaizumi snapped out of his trance and quickly hopped off to find you. In hopes of salvaging what had happened between you two.

Mattsun and Makki were right to laugh at you for not making it home safely. You were making your way up the trail just outside of the house and you slipped once again on black ice hurting your ankle really badly. There was no one around and the cell service was bad. You were stuck there until the boys came back to one laugh at you, two then for Oikawa to scold you for not being careful and three for them to actually help you. You laid down in the frigid cold air and the cold wet snow with the slight cold approaching teeth chattering. You heard crunches in the snow hoping it wasn’t wildlife to snack on your body. You quickly lifted your head to see Iwaizumi there. “Iwaizumi I thought you were skiing?” “I got bored. What happened?” He asked concerned. “Promise not to laugh?” He nodded. “I slipped on black ice and I think I sprained my ankle when I tried to get up and stand on it, it really hurt. I don’t think I heard a crack so that’s a plus. Can you help me up?” He leaned down and picked you up bridal style. You thought he would just give you his arm or let you use him as a crunch as you hobbled your way back to the house. You couldn’t help to look at him. He seemed different. “How long were you there?” He asked. “I think for an hour.” You chattered your teeth at the end of the statement. “Are you cold?” “Very much.” And with that comment, he brought you closer to his body. Sure it was a nice gesture and warm and made you involuntarily melt into him but he was acting weird. He was being nice to you. When you finally got to the house he placed you on the couch making sure pillows were supporting your back and elevated your foot. He carefully untied the book and slid it off. You wince when you saw it bruised and swollen. “Yeah, it looks sprained to me. You might need to get it x-rayed to make sure. But you should stay off it for the remainder of the trip. I’m gonna make a fire to warm you up. Then I’ll get you your pajamas and warm socks. And I’ll make you hot chocolate with cinnamon your favorite.” “Are you sick Iwaizumi?” You said putting your hand to his head to check for a fever. “No.” He swatted your hand away. “I’m not totally heartless.” “Are you taking care of me because of pity? Because if you are I’m just going to go to bed and sleep it off. Because I don’t neee-” you stretched out the e’s in need when you were getting off the couch. “Jeez, I’m just trying to take care of you. What is the harm in that?” “Because you hate me. You shouldn’t be doing this. You are only nice to me in front of Tooru and now you are acting as if he is here watching us.” “I’m not acting.” “Then what changed your tune. Because I thought you saw me as a nuisance at least that is what you said to me. So tell me what it is that is making you act like I’m in the Bizzaro?” “Mattsun told me you like me!” You were frozen. More so than you already were. You did like him when you were in high school, maybe you still did. Maybe you were still hung up on the fact that he was so kind to you and you laughed together that it led to that hurtful text you received. “Are you going to say anything?” “Are you doing this out of pity because I liked you?” “No, no. See the thing is….” God how was he going to tell you that he likes you too. And he thought pushing you away was the best decision for him. “I-I like you as well.” “Then why do you act like a prick?!” “I like you a lot and I thought for the longest time you liked Mattsun and he liked you. I wasn’t going to do anything and hurt him. I thought we would go to different colleges and only see each other when Oikawa did things like this. But then we were going to go to the same college and I couldn’t deal with being around you if you didn’t have the same feelings. So I pushed you away. I didn’t know what I said hurt you so bad until today when Mattsun told me. And for that I’m sorry. My intention was never to hurt you just push you away.” You leaned over to him and kissed his cheek. “You are an idiot. You need to make it up to me big time. You said some hurtful words to me.”   “You can forgive me? After what I did-” This time you pecked him on the lips to shut him up. “Yes, idiot I forgive you.” He pulled you in for a hug and you heard his heart beating really fast. “Are you ok?” “Better than ok.” He leaned down to kiss you but was met with a glove to the face. “Get off her Iwa!” Oikawa shouted from the doorway. “Shittykawa what the fuck!” “Tooru it is fine.” You said. “No! No! I made him promise me not to make out in front of me with you. It is like watching my siblings kiss. Gross. Vulgar.” “It is not gross, Shittykawa!!” You said to him. “N/n don’t call me that,” Tooru said, sounding like a wounded puppy. Iwaizumi got up from the couch and kissed the top of your head. “I’m gonna get your pajamas you lay here and don’t move.” He whispered. On his way out he hit Oikawa in the back of the head. “Leave her alone Shittykawa. You gave me your blessing about 3 years ago so shut up.”   Makki and Mattsun walked into the living area and saw your ankle. “Couldn’t be careful once?” “See you try not to slip on black ice. And I don’t have years of volleyball muscle in my legs.” “Clumsy as ever. Let’s hope that heart of yours doesn’t slip and get shattered.” Mattsun said. “Because if he does hurt you I’ll hit him till he breaks.” With a haunting smile saying Oikawa’s catchphrase.

Iwaizumi came back with sweatpants and took you to the bathroom to help you put them on. He then put you back on the couch where the boys were watching a movie, chosen by Oikawa. (He chose Titanic; he was crying the whole time.) Iwaizumi proceeded to make your hot chocolate which led him to make some for everyone and a fire. You started drifting to sleep and he picked you up from the couch and brought you to bed and tucked you in. He must have taken down the pillows in the middle because when he came into bed his arms were around you. You felt safe in his arms. He kissed your cheek again and said, “You can call me Hajime but never Iwa.” To this, you smirked and replied, “Goodnight Hajime.”

[pseudoneiiric]

meta post: ocd, mysophobia, and a revelation on my part.

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is… her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness… works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like… she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow… caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it.

— me, circa november 2020

the other day, i was writing a crossover ship fic for lilian when i ran into a problem. namely, the Touch Aversion problem. at first glance, the reasoning behind lilian’s touch aversion seems really simple: she hates germs and dirty things, so she wears gloves and washes her hands so frequently that they blister. since she has ocd and mysophobia, it makes sense for her to be obsessive about cleanliness and for her passive skill to be listed as cleaning. she doesn’t touch q84 in canon even in life-threatening situations, except for the very end, because she hates touching people. when anri kissed her, lilian was so grossed out that she imagined anri as a parasite. and when it comes to her taking off her glove and holding vincent’s hand... well, 

but upon replaying hello charlotte 3 and doing a little bit of digging with regards to the actual symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder and mysophobia, i realized something. and this “something” was a game-changer.

so let’s start off by defining some things. obsessive-compulsive disorder, shortened to ocd, has several diagnostic criteria, which you can read here if you’d like the full clinical definition. for the sake of length, though, i will only talk about the most important part to take away from the diagnostic criteria.

ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd. is. not. a fucking fear of germs. obsessions may involve cleanliness. compulsions may include wanting areas to be clean. it is entirely possible for ocd to be accompanied by mysophobia, but a fear of germs is not inherent to the diagnosis of ocd. what is inherent to the diagnosis of ocd is a repeated and pervasive series of intrusive thoughts which cause the person with ocd debilitating anxiety or distress, and a set of compulsions that the person with ocd performs in order to mitigate said anxiety. these compulsions do not need to correspond to the actual obsession. a lot of obsessions don’t. for example, your obsession could be around disliking cluttered environments, but your compulsion could be pacing a hallway fourteen times back and forth while mentally reciting the preamble to the american constitution. in some cases, the compulsion is related to the obsession but is generally considered excessive. remember that ocd is not characterized by a need for cleanliness and that it is instead characterized by ritualistic behaviour accompanied by obsessive thought patterns.

i also want to talk about this section in particular, taken from the website linked above:

D. The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder (e.g., excessive worries, as in generalized anxiety disorder; preoccupation with appearance, as in body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, as in hoarding disorder; [ ... ] ritualized eating behavior, as in eating disorders; [ ... ] thought insertion or delusional preoccupations, as in schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders; or repetitive patterns of behavior, as in autism spectrum disorder).

Specify if:

With good or fair insight: The individual recognizes that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are definitely or probably not true or that they may or may not be true.

With poor insight:  The individual thinks obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are probably true.

With absent insight/delusional beliefs: The individual is completely convinced that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are true.

i want to let the record show that lilian has several of these disorders. while i don’t believe that this disqualifies her from having ocd, i do think it’s important to note that there is comorbidity between these disorders.

i included this section on inslght because i’m going to go into depth why i believe lilian has absent insight/delusional beliefs. but in order to talk about that, we need to figure out just what it is that lilian is obsessively thinking, what it is that’s causing her so much distress. if ocd doesn’t inherently involve a need for cleanliness, then could it be that lilian’s obsessions revolve around her mysophobia? after all, mysophobia is germaphobia, so maybe she’s just scared of germs, and that’s why she’s always washing her hands.

so, let’s talk about mysophobia. it isn’t listed under the dsm v on its own, but it does exist (albeit not by name) under the umbrella term specific phobia disorder. you can look that up yourself, but from the research i’ve done, i can fairly safely say this: mysophobia, more commonly referred to as germaphobia, is not a fear of germs for the sake of fearing germs. it is a fear of being contaminated, sick, or infected, whether it be through other people or through the environment. symptoms of mysophobia include but are not limited to obsessive handwashing, an extreme avoidance of places that are deemed unclean, and excessive planning to avoid contamination. this separates it from ocd in that ocd involves ritualistic behaviours (like handwashing) to ease anxiety, whereas mysophobia involves these ritualistic behaviours to actually make the area cleaner. to summarize, mysophobic actions are directly related to the fear of contracting an illness.

okay, kids, what have we learned?

though ocd can be accompanied by mysophobia, the two of them are not synonymous. ocd is a pattern of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours designed to ease anxiety surrounding those thoughts.

there are lots of comorbidities present with ocd and other disorders lilian has, such as autism spectrum disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, and psychotic disorders.

mysophobia is more accurately defined as being afraid of being infected or contaminated. mysophobic compulsions relate directly to the desire to eliminate contaminants, rather than being a self-soothing action to reduce anxiety.

now that we’ve laid the groundwork for analyzing lilian’s behaviour, let’s dive into canon. what can we say about lilian’s anxious preoccupations? what excessive planning does she undergo to avoid contact with germs? and, most importantly, why is she perfectly fine with holding vincent’s hand? (it’s still bad writing, but i found an explanation that makes it better)

the most obvious sign of both ocd and mysophobia present in canon is lilian’s intense preoccupation with handwashing. we only see this happen once, in hello charlotte 2.

i’ve removed some sections for the sake of length, but here are some revealing lines from lilian:

My fellow students smashed my head into a worm soup.

I can’t [stop washing my hands]. I’ve washed off [most] of the soup, but I still feel dirtied.

In fact, everything I touch feels contaminated. I can’t just shake off the feeling of disgust.

between ocd and mysophobia, this reaction seems very solidly linked to the latter. lilian’s head was dunked into soup, and she felt disgusted and contaminated, so she began to obsessively wash the soup away. the only other place where handwashing is mentioned is in lilian’s mind exhibition in hello charlotte 3.

in this poem, lilian attributes her handwashing to her ocd, where she writes, “wash and repeat! it’s not enough!” she doesn’t state in this poem if she does this to reduce the possibility of getting sick or if she does this as a compulsive ritual. both interpretations are plausible, given the vague statement “it’s not enough!”. perhaps it’s not enough because she still feels contaminated, or it’s not enough because she has not been rid of the anxiety caused by her intrusive thoughts. maybe it’s a little bit of both.

however, excessive handwashing does not a disorder make. sure, lilian washes her hands until they blister, but why? what is she trying to avoid? in the example in hello charlotte 2, she’s washing off soup. this is a direct response to an uncomfortable situation and not to an anxious preoccupation. in her poem, she offers no hint as to what is causing her so much anxiety that she needs to wash her hands compulsively. and once you start to pick through her behaviour in search of a thread of obsessive thinking, it starts to become clear that there might not be one.

the truth is, lilian’s actions in canon are generally inconsistent given the definitions listed above. her touch aversion is implied to be caused by her mysophobia, but she has no real plan for avoiding touch besides wearing gloves, which she ditches anyway when touching vincent. in heaven’s gate, it’s implied to be more of an aromantic or asexual thing. (i say aromantic because the scene was a little weird about not dividing the line between romantic and sexual attraction, so even though lilian’s canonically asexual, the scene was actually talking about kissing and dating and might have just been a ploy to get nonconsensual kissing in because that’s apparently mandatory in like every game anri appears in.) but that doesn’t make much sense either, considering that platonic and otherwise non-sexual touch is also off-limits.

we return to the intense, excessive and obsessive nature of both ocd and mysophobia. passing fears of contamination or infection don’t classify as mysophobia, and vague and isolated anxieties don’t classify as ocd. the individual has to be intensely preoccupied by these thoughts. however, in canon, lilian is generally not preoccupied with getting sick or dirty until it actually happens to her. her goal in life is to become a doctor, a profession that involves repeated and close contact with infectious diseases. she also takes care of her bedridden mother, which in many cases involves helping the individual with their personal hygiene. her mother is the reason why she wants to become a doctor in the first place, and since anri knows about this dream, it’s fairly safe to assume that this is lilian’s own dream, not scarlett’s. however, in hello charlotte 3, when q84 is wounded, she asks lilian to treat her wounds, and lilian’s response is as follows:

this is further reinforced when q84 is decomposing after having used her wish, and umbrella man states that lilian is fighting the urge to vomit. however, in the infirmary scene, lilian is quite comfortable with being physically close to q84, even when there is a possibility for skin contact. note how charlotte’s hair (which has the possibility of carrying bacteria, skin flakes, etc.) is close to lilian’s face, but how lilian seems quite content, even relaxed.

this is stressful! what is the truth?

on top of that, we know for a fact that, despite being mysophobic, lilian has no issue (at least in hello charlotte 2) with using public bathrooms at school, something that is generally a huge obstacle for people struggling with mysophobia. in true realm, this is never addressed, which lends credence to the idea that she simply doesn’t worry about the transmission of germs in shared spaces like bathrooms, nor is she worried at all about using anri’s smartphone to take blackmail pictures when screens are generally a hotbed of germs. we could say that she makes such liberal use of her gloves that she doesn’t even think about the germs living on them (unlikely), but then she’d likely have a panic attack when she does things like touch her face, which she does in at least one of her sprites.

in fact, the only thought she has about cleanliness in true realm flashbacks is in one of the final ones. she thinks the following: “we lie on the floor for a long time. i briefly wonder if it’s properly vacuumed.” this is, like, a normal thought. i can’t stress enough how normal this thought is and how quickly this thought passes. i cannot stress enough how little she cares about the cleanliness of this floor.

so, like, what gives? why does lilian wear gloves? why does she say she’s squeamish in false realm or want to throw up when holding charlotte? and most importantly, how is she mysophobic when she doesn’t seem to fear germs at all?

the answer fucking blew my mind, folks. are you ready? here it is.

This world is swarming with parasites. Tiny. Invisible. Tenacious. Once they outwit your immune system, they eat you from the inside. Use you as an incubator for their offspring. Control your mind and alter your personality. They keep reproducing, and reproducing, and reproducing, endlessly reproducing. Until every single person is consumed by the disease.

from this excerpt, we can glean the following:

the parasite lilian is describing is a disease that targets the immune system;

the parasite functions by controlling its host like a puppet and altering aspects of their personality, potentially causing them to act in a way that is uncharacteristic; and

the parasite’s goal is to reproduce and to eventually infect everyone in the world.

these are the very first lines in the very first flashback to true realm. an echoing of these very lines are found later, when lilian is saying them to q84. note that, according to etherane, it has been many, many years since these words have first been uttered. but lilian manages to quote them verbatim. given that she can recite these lines perfectly years after her death, it seems that this is a comforting mantra about the world’s truths. and from that, we can gather that repeating this mantra is one of her compulsions, alongside handwashing.

this is it. this is the root of lilian’s mysophobia. these lines accurately explain a pervasive delusion that manifests both in lilian’s thoughts and in her visual hallucinations. more accurately, it is the mantra that describes the “o” in lilian’s ocd and the illness that causes her mysophobia. the parasite is the disease she’s afraid of contracting, and that fear is the intrusive thought that brings her so much anxiety. i tried to compile a list of all the times lilian or someone modelled after her has mentioned contamination, a preoccupation with purity, a parasite, a tumour, rottenness, or anything relating to this core concept, but there was just... so much. the entire world of hello charlotte is based around parasites and mind control. the deus ex machina of this world is a parasite itself. all charlottes have the disease. this world is literally obsessed with the delusion lilian’s held her whole life.

and now that we’ve framed it like that... is it any wonder that this is the obsessive thought? something we’d previously assumed to be a persistent metaphor is actually an intense preoccupation. lilian’s inconsistent actions in canon make sense because she’s not worried about contracting a physical illness, but rather a mental one that’s linked to a persistent delusion of hers. throughout canon, we see no instances of lilian questioning this belief, leading her to be classified as having absent insight/delusional beliefs.

before i continue, i want to mention that the pitfall many hello charlotte fans fall into, and the one i myself have fallen into in the past, is assuming that lilian was always unable to touch others. though she wears gloves throughout the entirety of the true realm flashbacks, she was actually alright with making contact with others up until a specific point in her life. and, interestingly enough, it was not vincent's death that spurred on this change. a full three months pass between his death and the time when lilian's mental health took a nosedive. the critical moment of change involves the very last flashback: 531 days before the trial.

lilian and anri decide to run away together. however, lilian was actually planning a double suicide. upon learning this, anri grows agitated, punching lilian and pinning her down to the floor. it's at this point that lilian realizes anri's feelings for her. after anri kisses her, she becomes a parasite. when lilian gets home, she checks on mother and realizes that mother has become a parasite as well.

from this day onwards, lilian begins to see everyone in her life as a parasite. she says it herself: "That moment I realized. I could never touch a human being ever again." this is the start of her intense touch aversion and marks the beginning of the end of her life. it’s at this point that lilian becomes physically repulsed by everyone around her and the environment she exists in, and these feelings generally persist, albeit on a lesser scale, in false realm.

but what is the parasite? in true realm, the parasite is only described in lilian’s mantra, but there are several nuances to the definition that go unexplained. however, in false realm, parasites take a variety of forms. similarly to how scarlett and umbrella man are reflections of lilian’s inner self that take shape as their own entities within false realm, lilian’s definitions for what a parasite is also breaks off and takes shape into various different forms after her death. when we examine what parasites are in false realm, we can begin to understand what makes someone turn into a physical deformity in lilian’s eyes and why she’s so afraid of the parasite in the first place.

there are three kinds of deformities in false realm. there is the oracle (left), the bullies (upper-right), and the faceless (lower-right). these are not all official terms, but they’ll be the ones that i use going forward.

the oracle is the entity that most closely follows the original logic of the mantra — it is an entity that rapidly multiplies (either through a race like the pythias or organically through cell division as it does in hello charlotte 3) and forms a collective out of several individuals. hello charlotte 2 explains that unification of a civilization is an arduous and painful procedure involving the slow loss of individuality until the race completely submits to the will of the parasitic host. the oracle is, to summarize, an entity that can “control your mind and alter your personality”. the oracle is the only parasite that ever enters another’s body. the other two forms of parasites are never called parasites themselves, but show visible deformities that house tenants and other important characters do not.

the faceless visually signify a lack of importance. these people do not do anything special. in some cases, they appear as a literal amalgamate, showing a hive-mindedness even if they are not being controlled by the oracle. these individuals are usually treated neutrally, and are not generally considered “bad”. they are simply narratively unimportant. by contrast, bullies do have faces, but they are vastly distorted and exhibit bright colouring. i may talk a bit more in a future post about colour symbolism and how it plays into both lilian’s and q84′s mysophobias, but to briefly summarize: the presence of colour is considered a contaminant, whereas white is considered an absence of colour and therefore “pure”. therefore, the brightly-coloured bullies are contaminated. these individuals show corrupted behaviour. they hurt others for personal gain, and are generally considered irredeemable.

in true realm, however, we see no such stylistic distinction. however, though they are not represented visually, the parasites in true realm show the same patterns as the oracle, the bullies, and the faceless. .

now that we have determined what the parasite is, we can determine how the parasite spreads. as previously stated, the parasite does not spread through shared surfaces or skin contact, as normal viruses do. lilian herself seems to treat it like it's just chance, like the parasite just chose to infect people randomly. but there are some things that she says that lends credence to the idea that the parasite is discriminate. after all, though her delusional belief is that the parasite will attach itself to any host it comes into contact with, this delusional belief did come from somewhere. and after examining the process of contamination over the course of the two or so years we see of her life, i believe this belief stemmed from her black-and-white views on good and evil and her penchant to see life as a narrative.

the first outcropping of parasites in lilian’s life were likely the faceless. she seems much less perturbed by them, and seem to view them as simply background pieces. this may be because of her belief in “protagonist” characters. in false realm, q84 makes liberal use of the term “npcs”, though all charlottes seem to have a concept of other students being faceless and subservient to them. this is a tenuous connection, but i believe lilian shares a similar belief. she may consider others "narratively unimportant”; that is, lacking direction or initiative, or perhaps simply not making an impact. she prides herself on being an observer, but she is undeniably the self-hating protagonist of her story. she says that if there is an afterlife, she doesn’t want to be its protagonist. this implies that on some level, she’s considered herself the protagonist of her own life. it’s definitely plausible given lilian’s tendency to project negative traits on others for her to see herself as comparatively good or blameless. by placing her own negative traits onto scarlett, for example, lilian creates a shaky ideal self. in other words, she creates a somewhat worthy protagonist.

and worthiness is incredibly important to lilian. a strong recurring theme in hello charlotte is the notion of “goodness”, especially when it relates to being polite. for example, in hello charlotte 1, a door refuses to open for you if you don't say please, and will call you insolent. all charlottes strive to be a “good girl” because their mothers told them to. interestingly enough, this is also what lilith tells lilian in true realm. since all charlottes have this strict adherence to being a good girl, this must have been very impactful for lilian. being considered “good” must have been very important to her. and being considered “bad” must have been similarly devastating.

knowing that charlotte is lilian's self-insert oc makes things even clearer. charlotte embodies an extreme selflessness, wanting to sacrifice herself for the good of others at any cost. any desire she has to be saved is rapidly dismissed as selfish, and she repeatedly states that she doesn't want to be a burden. charlotte's character makes a clear statement: good people are not burdensome. good people have faith in humanity. good people believe in others, and they help others even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.

the delusion is lilian’s failsafe. it’s her way of ensuring that she could never consider herself a bad person or a burden. in creating the narrative of a contagious parasite infecting the world, lilian is protecting herself from personal responsibility, both in herself and in others. instead of maintaining her belief that some people are evil, which she would consider a Bad Belief to have, she believes that they have simply caught a contagious disease. the bad-person disease, if you will. and since that disease alters the mind and personality of its hosts, these people are not directly responsible for their actions. here, lilian is absolved of hating people who hurt others. now, like charlotte, she can simply wish for their recovery. because they aren’t choosing to hurt others. they’re being manipulated into it by an invisible, malicious, contagious puppeteer.

a similar logic is applied to those lilian finds burdensome. since good people, in her eyes, can make themselves a martyr no matter the circumstances, it would be considered very bad if lilian could not do the same. this is evidenced when mother turns into a parasite. in that scene, lilian thinks the following:

It'd be easier if my mom was a workaholic who was never home. It'd be easier if we hated each other. It'd be easier if I didn't remember the days when she was still full of energy. Who would want to admit [to] their parent giving up on life and slowly rotting in the bedroom? Who would admit to thinking of their only parent as a parasitic existence? After that day, nothing was the same anymore.

in this instance, the word “parasite” is used to describe a leech, someone who constantly takes and never gives back. and in using this word to describe them, lilian relegates them in her mind as bullies, because she can’t admit to feeling burdened.

we see this also in anri. it’s not the physical action of the kiss that turns anri into a parasite. it’s the realization that anri has always had ulterior motives, that anri expects something of lilian. and lilian, feeling burdened, projects her own guilt about her lack of reciprocation onto anri. even at the end of her life, when she’s in the ocean, she reveals that one of her greatest regrets is not being able to reciprocate anri’s feelings.

vincent, on the other hand, is a charming stranger. he never gives lilian any reason to suspect that he may have ulterior motives. he’s successful, driven, popular, and talented. in many ways, he’s everything lilian wants to be. and since she doesn’t meet him for a long time, she can imagine him to be simply “the blinding icon on her screen“. she can project anything she wants onto him, and she chooses to project hope onto him. with his politeness, his charm, his compliments, he appears to be the ideal human. like lilian, he has managed to avoid being infected by the parasite. lilian grows attached to this interpretation, just as she grows attached to the mutuality of her friendship with anri, and just as she grows attached to her love for her mother. lilian doesn’t want to think of these people as parasites. in vincent’s case, he dies before he ever gets the chance to burden her. rather, he leaves her with the guilt of not being able to follow him and a misplaced idolatry of him and his beliefs.

the parasite, being a visual representation of perceived evil intent, seems to be non-contagious in nature. this doesn’t change, though, that lilian believes it is contagious. she wants to spend time with people she has deemed good, and to avoid bullies. however, the simple act of feeling burdened is enough to make lilian believe that the parasite is spreading at a breakneck rate and that the world she lives in is becoming more and more contaminated. once she feels she’s lost her support system, the parasite begins to spread, and she begins to feel less and less inherently good. it’s clear that the people around her had a stabilizing effect on her. but once she feels abandoned, her unhealthy coping mechanisms begin to catch up to her. lilian describes herself as filthy by the end of her life, and it’s very likely that she feared becoming a parasite herself if she were to continue down the path she was on.

the last piece of the puzzle is this: what saved anri and mother for so long, and what saved vincent from becoming a parasite altogether? after all, anri is a perfect candidate for developing the parasite, and arguably, so is mother. both of them rely on lilian for different things, and anri actively engages in blackmail. it would be simple as well to see c as disingenuous or fake. but lilian doesn’t entertain any of those thoughts, either for a very long time or at all. why?

the answer is simple. the people that lilian loves are less likely to be infected by the parasite. even if they are infected, she is kinder to them. after anri says she’ll leave lilian, after her confession and her subsequent contamination, lilian lets anri cuddle her. she even hugs anri tightly before they part, and keeps in contact with her until... well, just before she commits suicide. despite the relationship between lilian and her mother being one-sided, lilian holds onto pleasant memories of her mother because she doesn’t want to believe that she could feel burdened. and lilian is so attached to her love for c that she doesn’t see anything wrong with him.

all of this is to say that lilian’s touch aversion does not stem from physical cleanliness, but rather her perception of the other’s purity. this means that she’s not only willing to touch others if she deems them a “good person”, but that she is actively okay with it. this is evidenced even in false realm, where she is alright with exchanging casual moments of intimacy with charlotte and q84, such as in the “take my hand” scene and in the infirmary scene. since she loves these individuals, she sees them as inherently better people than she would if she viewed them objectively. this is a game-changer when it comes to touch-aversion. with respect to the charles/vincent ships where lilian’s okay with kissing... that’s a different story. even though saliva may not trigger her mysophobia, we’ve seen on multiple occasions both in canon and in heaven’s gate that lilian is indifferent to mouth-kissing at best. however, she is definitely comfortable with some displays of physical affection with those she cares for, and is generally willing to excuse much more when it comes to those she loves.

thank you for reading this post in its entirety! i did not expect it to get this long, so if you got to the end, i just want you to know i love and appreciate you SO much

[nicka-nell]

I'm Kiyoomi Sakusa and I'm a germaphobe - Chapter 15: A Yoomiaster

Words: 1.970 Warning: Manga spoiler

Chapter 14 -  postponed is not abandoned     | Masterlist

(y/n) = your name | (l/n) = last name | (e/c) = eye colour | (h/c) = hair colour

“What kind of party is this? Is it from one of your teammates?” curious, (y/n) is rocking back and forth on her tiptoes and heel. “This is a birthday party... From a teammate of mine yeah. From Shouyou Hinata.” he replied quite objectively. She had heard the name before and thoughtfully tapped her mouth with her index finger. “I know Shouyou Hinata. That’s the little redhead from Karasuno High School who wanted to imitate the little titan and is even better than him, right?” The words just fall out of her mouth as she looks lost in thought at the ceiling. “You know Hinata, but you didn’t know me before we met?” Irritated and somewhat offended, he twists his arms in front of his chest and looks at (y/n) with narrow eyes. Damn it... that wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear. “Eh... when is the party again?” she dodges his question and tries to change the subject again. “It starts at eight, so..." he pauses his sentence to look at his watch. “In less than three hours." Three hours is still better than nothing. “And how do we get there? Are we walking?" she asks further as she goes into the kitchen to fill the tea in two cups. When she comes back, they both sit down at the dinner table and Kiyoomi starts to answer her question. “We could walk there, it’s only thirty minutes from here. But I’d prefer it if we went by car. Unfortunately, mine is just in the workshop right now. Can we go with yours?” The question is unpleasant to him, since he doesn’t really want to get into a unfamiliar car. She puts her hand in her neck and looks down at her teacup. “You know... My car is in different hands at the moment. I think my little baby will not be brought home until tomorrow night." Irritated he looks at her. How can she lend her car to others? “All right, then we’ll go. But then we have to leave in time. I don’t like being late..." he answers her with a slightly irritated undertone. Nodding, (y/n) drinks her tea and tells Kiyoomi that he can turn on the TV or read a book. She’d get ready for tonight. - “Are you finish getting ready yet?” Kiyoomi calls up the stairs from below. (y/n) had completely lost track of time. Actually, they should have gone ten minutes ago. “I’m sorry I’m coming down!" she shouts to him apologetically and runs down the stairs into the hallway to put on her silver high heels. Kiyoomi, who in the meantime has gone back into the living room to take his mobile phone from the kitchen table, now enters the hallway and stops as if rooted when he sees (y/n) in front of him. She is just ready to put on her high heels and straightens up again as she turns to the side and her hair glides over her shoulder backwards in a swinging movement. She’s wearing a very short, tight, white dress. It is completely backless and sleeveless. On the side it has a deep slit that goes up to the hip. She looks like a sexy nurse or an incredibly seductive bride. Shaking his head, Kiyoomi looks to the ground as he notices his cheeks are getting warmer. Why is he thinking like that again? „Kiyoomi? Is everything okay?" (y/n) asks him, who comes to him with her seductive hip swing. In the dress, her movements look so much more feminine. “You’re gonna put on a jacket, right? It gets cold outside in the evening and you will catch a cold." he says in the hope that the warmth will disappear from his face. Smiling, (y/n) reaches for her coat. “Of course... so, let's just go now.”, “All right.” He answers her briefly and reaches for his jacket, to then put on his shoes and go out with her. But as to be expected, Kiyoomi now begins a journey through disgust and fear. Because after ten minutes of walking, it starts to rain in streams and after (y/n) has talked to him for a long time, the two have decided to take the train. Kiyoomi hates the train. Far too many people in one spot. The grips in the train are pure magnets for bacteria and germs. Of all times now he has no disinfectant with him and as if it could not have been worse, the rubber band of his face mask broke, and he now stands without disinfectant, without mask and with slightly damp hair in a dirty train, filled with people and smelling like a wet dog. “Oh God, how did I get in here?" he murmurs quietly as he hides in the last corner of the track. (y/n) looks at him with pity. “I’m sorry, Kiyoomi..." This is a disaster for him. She’s kind of sorry she talked him into getting on the train, but... he just has to go through this. “What are you sorry about? Killing me?" he still murmurs softly to himself. (y/n) has to hide a laugh, with the heap of misery she sees in front of her. “But you still look quite alive." Grimly he looks up at her. “Right now... Wait seven more days when the first symptoms appear...” Now she can’t help herself and must giggle. “Sure... I'm sorry. Then you come to me and I’ll treat you.” Sighing, he now tries to focus only on himself. “Leave me alone now. I want to talk as little as possible to breathe as little as possible of this polluted air.", “All right.” she answers him, her hands tilted upwards in a protective posture. They drive five minutes until they get out and almost stand in front of Hinata’s apartment. Still a little depressed about his train experience, Kiyoomi knocks on his door. “Omi-san you are there aaah..." His last word sounds surprised and intimidated as he looks at the pretty woman in front of him. She may be smaller than him, but she still intimidates him, even though she smiles at him. “Omi-san? Who... is... that?” he asks anxiously. “(l/n)...(y/n)” he replies annoyed. “All the best for your birthday. Can we get in? I have to wash my hands." Hinata quickly nods and opens the door wide so that the two can enter. But his gaze does not differ from (y/n). “Did I hear Omi-Omi?" a voice sounds from the living room, slowly approaching the hallway. (y/n) is taking off her coat to hang it up when an unknown yet familiar face stands up to her. "Holy shit..." Atsumu escapes when he sees this petite pretty woman standing next to his buddy. “The pictures were real? The woman is real? Damn it Omi-Omi... You? You’re not the doctor who treated our Omi-kun by chance?" Atsumu asks as he approaches (y/n) and takes her hand. She nods to him as Atsumu suddenly begins to grin sweaty and gives her a kiss on the back of her hand. “I’m, by the way- ", “Atsumu Miya...I know." she interrupts him. Surprised he looks at her, as now also Kiyoomi goes in between and tears her hand out of Atsumus. “Oh and you know him too?" he asks her annoyed. “Haha no. Not him. But his brother Osamu. We are quite good friends.” she laughs embarrassingly. With slow steps she walks towards Atsumu until she stands close to him. “I can see why your brother didn’t want us to meet. You’re just like he described you." She grins. This woman... “What do you mean? What did my brother say about me?” he wants to know. “You’ll never find out, Tsumu." She whispers grinning to him and turns to go back to Kiyoomi. “Should we go to the others?" she asks and annoyed he nods only. He wanted to wash his hands and take a shower until now, but now that Hinata and Atsumu are looking at (y/n) like that, he wants to stay close to her. It annoys him that the men look at her like that. After all, he’s here with her. In the living room there are a few more people, all talking when Hinata comes back into the room with Kiyoomi, (y/n) and Atsumu. “We are now complete.” He still grins embarrassed and gets slightly red on his face when he looks at (y/n) again. But his gaze quickly deviates from her when he sees Kiyoomis piercing look next to her. Everyone looks at her with big eyes as a certain person breaks the silence. ”Hey, hey, hey Sakusa! I don’t believe it. You really made it? You managed to get such a pretty woman by your side?" Bokuto energetically runs over to his friend and punches him in the chest. “She's not...”, his girlfriend he actually wants to say, but then he says something completely different. “She’s here with me, so leave her alone." Somewhat annoyed, he sits down in a chair a bit away from the others and pulls (y/n) to himself on the backrest. “Stay there okay?" he whispers softly. “And why?" She asks somewhat irritated. “Well... You’re here, so we can go against my fear together, so stay also with me... By my side." He’s lying. Because he just doesn’t want her talking to the other men. That she might find them interesting or that the others touch her. He really doesn’t want them to touch her. Nodding, she remains seated next to him and converses with all the people in the room from a distance. Laughing a lot and telling stories, Atsumu suddenly comes up with the question of how she would have managed to bring Kiyoomi here. She tells him that he asked her to come here and about the drama in the train. “The poor man hid in the back of the train like a heap of misery and did not want to leave. Then he didn’t have any disinfectant with him and his mask broke. That was really a Yoomiaster!" she laughs. Well... There her brother is rubbing off on her. Questioning, they all look at her. “Well... Kiyoomi and disaster... The result is Yoomi-aster." Embarrassed, she scratches her forehead as everyone starts laughing. All except Kiyoomi and Atsumu. “Forget about Kiyoomi. Did the heavens send you? You’re really not of this world, do you want to marry me?" he asks enthusiastically. “Stay away from her, you stray! What's up with this childish crap? A woman like (y/n) doesn’t get her hands dirty with a stray like you." Annoyed, he pulls her a little closer to himself and ignores Atsumu’s nagging in the background. “And you... don’t make fun of me again, you understand?" he whispers to her in a dark tone. “But I didn't make fun of you. Yoomiaster is kind of cute, isn’t it? That’s your own term for disaster." She smiles at him warmly. He doesn’t know why, but with that look on her face, he can’t be mad at her for long. Sighing, he pushes her away again, so that she sits upright on the backrest again. The situation relaxes a bit and everyone starts talking wild again, until Bokuto comes up with the idea to play a drinking game. Sugawara and Daichi were at first against it, but were overruled by the majority and were then themselves of the opinion that everyone should know his or her own limits.

Chapter 16 - Drink when...

Taglist: @kara-grayson04​ @suna-allie​ @pleasemelafook-outta-ere​

@sckusa​ : Thank you again for letting me use the word “Yoomiaster”. :-)

[tessisawriter]

Dance With Me (Alex Turcotte)

Request (anonymous): If you write for Alex Turcotte could you do a really cute imagine where you’re a dancer and he comes to one of your performances and fluffiness ensues and then later that night after showering and stuff he’s like, “can you teach me to dance?” All shy and stuff and you just laugh and y’all are slow dancing in your room and it’s just super cuteeee

A/N: Yes I do write for Alex, and I’ve been meaning to do an imagine for him for a while! I took several modern dance classes in college (I’m far from advanced though) so this was really fun to write 💜🖤 It features two of Alex’s Wisco teammates, Owen Lindmark and the subject of my next imagine, Cole Caufield.

Warnings: One swear word

Word Count: 2.3k

If a genie came to you and said it could grant you one wish, you would wish for Alex to be in the auditorium right now.

You met Alex Turcotte at the beginning of the school year when he was wandering around one of the many campus buildings, clearly lost. You had no idea that he was a hockey star; he just looked like another clueless freshman. Since you were a sophomore, you went up to him and asked if he needed directions, which he gratefully accepted. Alex left with the directions to his class and your phone number, and the rest was history.

You and Alex had been dating for a little less than five months now, and tonight was the big mid-semester showcase for your advanced modern dance class. Dancing had been your passion since you were little, and after coming to Wisco, you quickly rose through the ranks to become the first sophomore in over a decade to be one of the principal dancers in the end-of-the-semester showcase in December. 

This was your second showcase as principal dancer, and you were so proud. You just wished Alex could see it. He did too, but unfortunately, one of his hockey games overlapped with the performance because your class was slated to open the entire show. Still, you were peeking through the curtain concealing the stage and scanning the crowd for his dark hair and dimples.

“He’s not coming, Y/N,” Lily said.

You closed the curtain and turned around to face your best friend since high school.

“You know he would if he could,” Lily continued. “We all know it.”

Y/N pouted. “I know it, too; I just wish he could.”

“Blame whoever scheduled the hockey games,” Lily shrugged and you laughed. “We’re on in two; time to get into position. And take your socks off,” she added, chuckling.

You smiled at Lily as she patted you on the shoulder. You were a germaphobe and the floors had countless germs on them, so you never took your socks off until right before class or a performance. You put your socks backstage before rejoining Lily to take your respective places on stage: you front and center, and Lily behind you and to your left.

As you put your feet in the right position for the opening dance move, your professor, who insisted on all of you calling her by her first name, Caroline came out and inspected the group as she walked down the line of dancers.

Caroline nodded her head once to signal approval before clapping her hands twice. “Listen up, dancers: I hope you’re ready because this is a really important showcase. I was supposed to choose my Modern VI class, but I chose you, Modern V, because you have better chemistry as a group. Don’t let me down: the head of the dance department is here.”

That ratcheted up the pressure, but you knew how to deal with it. As soon as Caroline went backstage, you imagined her in a thought bubble in your head, saying what she had just said, and willed the memory to leave you. It disappeared, and you felt calm.

The music started up and the curtain lifted to reveal you and your classmates to the audience. You left it all on the line, probably completing your best performance at Wisco to date. At the end of the number, the crowd leapt to its feet, and you grabbed Lily and one of your other classmate’s hands as you prepared to take a bow together.

You didn’t intend on looking in the audience, but while you took your bow, you thought you saw Alex out of the corner of your eye. There was no way he was here. When you straightened up, you looked into the crowd again and somehow, your vision didn’t fail you. Alex was about six rows from the front, clapping and cheering loudly. You grinned, and the two of you locked eyes for a second before the curtain lowered and Lily tugged your hand.

“We have to let the next class take their places!” she whispered urgently.

“Alex is here,” you replied. “He made it after all!”

Lily smiled. “That’s great! But uh,” she looked behind the two of you, “There are some angry seniors giving us the evil eye.”

You snapped out of your happy trance and ran off the stage with Lily.

***************

After showering and changing into your street clothes, you and Lily waited together in the lounge for Alex. Most of your classmates’ parents were here, but yours and Lily’s parents were unable to make the trip from California to attend.

“I can’t believe Alex made it here for you. It’s so romantic!” Lily sighed. “I wish I had someone like…” She stopped talking when Alex walked in the room with a huge bouquet of red roses, and behind him were two of his teammates, Cole and Owen. 

You knew Lily had a crush on Owen, and while you hadn’t been sure how Owen felt about her, you now believed there was a good chance he felt the same way. You winked at her before rushing over to your boyfriend, crushing him in a hug just after he managed to hand the flowers to Cole.

Alex kissed the top of your head before pulling away. “Babe, you were amazing out there. You were dancing circles around everyone else, pun not intended.” He cringed and you laughed. “These are for you,” Alex continued, taking the bouquet back from Cole.

“They’re beautiful, but how did you manage to see the show, let alone get the flowers?”

“We won in regulation, and the three of us took the fastest showers in history before sprinting over here,” he said. “As for the flowers, I had them delivered right after the show.”

“Aw, you’re so sweet!” You kissed your boyfriend chastely on the lips before turning to address Cole and Owen. “Thank you for coming,” you said. Cole grinned at you, but Owen’s eyes were fixed on Lily, who was standing behind you. “But I didn’t see you in the crowd with Alex.”

“That’s because he bought a ticket ahead of time, but O and I didn't, so we were forced to sit in the back,” Cole answered before elbowing Owen lightly in the ribs.

“Yeah, congrats, Y/N. You were amazing out there, Lily,” Owen said.

“T-thanks,” Lily replied with an uncharacteristic stutter.

Owen stepped closer to Lily, and the two walked over to the couch where there were two vacant seats.

“It’s about time, right?” Alex said to you.

“Yeah, I’m just glad Owen seems to feel the same about her,” you replied.

“He definitely does. He was talking my ear off all day about coming with me to the performance just so he could see her.”

“Really?” you started grinning, and your smile was permanently etched onto your face when you turned to see Owen and Lily kissing.

“And then there were three,” Cole said. “I’m going to head back to my dorm, but congrats on the performance, Y/N: you killed it out there.”

“Thanks, Cole,” you said, hugging him before he walked out the door.

“So, what do you want to do now?” Alex asked. “I could take you out to dinner, or…”

“I’m really tired, actually. Would you mind watching Netflix in my room?” you asked. You thanked your lucky stars that you managed to get a single this year.

“Not at all. Was Lily supposed to leave with us?” Alex asked, eyeing the new couple in the corner.

“No, but let me see if I can get her attention.” You waved at Lily, and after a few tries, she finally saw. You pointed at yourself and Alex and then at the door before mouthing, “Okay?” Lily vigorously nodded her head in response, so Alex took your hand as you exited the lounge.

***************

You and Alex were cuddled up on your bed in your dorm room while watching some romantic comedy on Netflix, but neither of you was paying attention to the movie. Your mind was on the adrenaline rush you experienced during the performance earlier tonight, but he seemed just as distracted, which was unlike him.

You looked up at your boyfriend and ran your fingers through his dark curls as you asked, “What’s on your mind, babe?”

“Nothing,” Alex lied. You raised an eyebrow. “Okay, it’s not nothing, but it’s really silly.”

“Trust me, Al, nothing you do could be silly,” you responded.

He took a deep breath. “Okay. Can you teach me how to dance?”

That was not what you were expecting him to say, but you smiled. “Of course, babe! This movie is boring, anyway.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Alex chuckled, and you laughed while pulling him off the bed.

“Okay, so I’m going to teach you the basic steps of the waltz. Don’t worry, it’s not complicated; it’s actually really simple,” you added in response to the look of fear on your boyfriend’s face.

“What you think is a simple dance technique is far from my definition,” Alex said warily.

You asked theatrically, “Is the great Alex Turcotte, the fifth overall pick at the NHL Draft, afraid of learning how to waltz?”

“Pssh, no,” Alex said, and you laughed.

“All right, could you please stand over there?” you asked, pointing to the side of the room. He obeyed as you walked to the back of the room. Thank goodness your room was large.

“Okay, so the first thing you’re going to do is step forward with your left foot and bend your knee so that you put pressure on the floor,” you said, demonstrating. “Then, you’ll put your right foot forward, parallel to the left foot but with minimal pressure and some space between it and the left,” you said. “It would be ideal if you were on your tippy toes, but light pressure will do. Then move your left foot to the side next to your right foot, also with minimal pressure.”

Alex watched attentively as you demonstrated the steps, this time starting from the top.

“Okay, now it’s your turn,” you said, reaching for your boyfriend’s hand. He took it and stood next to you. When you tried to let go of his hand to stand off to the side, he held on tighter. “Babe, I have to stand over here to make sure I can see your foot position,” you said.

“Oh, all right,” he whined but let go of your hand. He stepped forward with his left foot, and then with his right, and he was surprisingly good at it until the third step, when he stepped on his right foot with his left.

“That was really good!” you praised him, “You just need to have your left foot next to your right one on the last step, not on top of it. And let your left knee bend naturally on the first step instead of locking.”

“Got it.” Alex walked to the back of the room and executed the steps correctly.

“Much better!” you cheered before kissing him on the lips. Alex tried to deepen the kiss, but you pulled away. “Not yet, babe. There’s still one more part you have to learn.”

Alex let out an exaggerated sigh, but he moved to the side of the room while you walked towards the door.

“Now you have to do the steps backwards and in reverse. So you step backwards with your right foot this time, but you still put pressure on the floor,” you said while demonstrating. “Then step back on your left foot, and keep it parallel to your right foot and with minimal pressure. Finally, you move your right foot to the side to step next to your left foot with light pressure.” After completing the demonstration, you asked Alex, “Do you think you can you do it?”

“Yeah,” Alex said, and he flawlessly mimicked your demonstration.

Your heart swelled with pride. “That was perfect! Do you think you can put all six steps together?”

Alex didn’t say anything in response, instead opting to show you through completing all six steps just as flawlessly as the last three.

“Wow,” you said, “You’re actually really good at this, Turcotte.”

“Well, I do have good balance. I need to, or else I’d end up flat on my ass on the ice,” he said, and you giggled.

Alex went over to the dresser where his phone was charging and he pressed a few buttons before “Lover” by Taylor Swift began playing in the room. He closed the distance between you in three strides, held out his hand to you, and asked, “May I have this dance?”

“Of course,” you said, and you placed your hand in his.

Although this was the first time you two danced together, it was like you had been dance partners for decades. He expertly led you through the waltz, and when the song concluded, you opted to sway back and forth while leaning your head on his shoulder.

You felt like you could stay in this little bubble of bliss forever, but Alex kissed your forehead and broke your trance. “I love you, Y/N Y/LN,” he said, and you gasped. This was the first time he ever said those three little words.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

“I love you too, Alex Turcotte,” you interrupted him, and he favored you with one of his beautiful smiles, dimples and all, before kissing you again.

[quixotic-writer]

Midnight Mischief

Requested by: @birdgirl1772

Summary: Of course things were awry on this tour and they were left to relocate motels but could only get two rooms since the hotel was fully booked. Sal and Q share a room and a series of events lead some emotions to bloom.

———————————————————

The boys drug their luggage back to the tour bus completely appalled at the state of their initial motel and decided that wouldn’t be the safest location for them to be spending the night. Joe was busy on the phone back on the bus attempting to call other locations in hopes of some open vacancy for the four jokers.

“I could NOT believe what I saw in my room, it was disgusting I still feel my skin crawling.” Sal exclaims as he thinks about the terror he just witnessed in his room and shivers. Mysterious stains everywhere, pretty sure there were bedbugs crawling about the mattress, the bathroom looked as though it hadn’t been cleaned in ages. Needless to say he was the first person to back out of staying at the sketchy stop, it was a germaphobe’s nightmare.

“I can almost guarantee that there’s been special ‘services’ performed in the room I was in. It reeked of shame and prostitution.” Q chuckled as they finally reached the bus and threw all their things back on board.

“Mine had what i’m pretty sure was a used needle on the dresser! That was fun!” Murr chimes in with his own horror story worthy motel room. They walked on to see Joe pacing in circles, deeply invested in his phone conversation. They watch in awe as the typically goofy character goes serious business mode over the phone. Soon though, the conversation ends and his demeanor quickly shifts back to his normal humorous aura.

“Okay boys, got good news and got some bad news. Good news is I found a half decent non-crime-scene looking motel we can stay at.” He beams with joy and pride.

“And the bad news?” Murr mumbles out.

“Well we only got two rooms, don’t know how but they’re packed. But i’d rather stay in two good rooms than have four health code violation rooms.” The boys all look to each other and they shrug their shoulders. Joe made an amazing point, some sacrifices are willing to be made for their safety and comfort. “I’ll be talking to the tour manager later about this incident. We’ve had some ‘experiences’ in sketchy places but I think we all can agree this one takes the cake.” They erupt into laughter and reminisce on some of their previous run ins with run down battered motels and hotels. As they continued their journey on the road, they all gathered on the sofa of the bus to discuss sleeping arrangements.

“Okay, since i’ve lived with Joe before i’ll just bunk with him for tonight.” Murr says. Sal quickly agreed with the idea knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to stand Murr in a cramped room for longer than an hour, let alone a whole entire night. He wouldn’t have been surprised either if Q was on the same track as he was.

“Cool that means Q and I will be sharing a room tonight then. That alright with you, Q?” All heads turn to the man in question and Q nodded along. In his mind, however, he was trailing off now knowing that he’ll be sharing a room with Sal. He always played up the “Vulquinn” shenanigans just to get reactions out of fans and out of Sal, but the joke slowly became a little too real for him to handle. He would never admit it but he started to have some feelings for Sal. The once playful banter and flirting they kept doing was usually for show around others, but they soon found themselves doing it in their normal day to day lives with and without an audience. The way Sal looked at him made it feel like his heart stopped for a moment, any time Sal grabbed him while laughing so hard made his whole face would go red, and the playful flirting drove him to insanity because he wasn’t sure if it was real or not anymore.

The rest of the short ride was filled with chatter about the upcoming shows and what material they could bring on. Once they had arrived to their new destination, it felt like déjà vu as they unloaded all their stuff and retreated to their designated rooms.

Sal and Q walk to their room and open up the door to see a decent looking single room living area with a bathroom connected. The only issue: there’s only a single king size bed and no sofa, the only chair in there was a fold up chair in the corner of the room.

“Well looks like we’re just gonna have to share a bed tonight.” Sal says matter of factly, not at all bothered by the predicament. Q, on the other hand, felt his heart race at the thought but it evolved from excitement to panic fairly quick.

“I can sleep on the floor Sal it’s fine.” Q panics trying to find any alternative way out of the situation.

“Q that is going to seriously mess up your back. We need you in one functioning piece this tour. Also, germs, Q. The floor is so filthy. It’s cleaner than the last place, but still not clean.” Sal sets his suitcase off to the side and heads into the bathroom to scope out the joint. Q places his things away and just accepts his fate for the night mentally.

“I’m gonna get ready to head out for dinner then.” Q says then goes to freshen himself up a bit, splash some water on his face and change out to better looking clothes. He wants to focus on dinner but his mind can’t seem to wrap around the fact that all he ever wanted was coming true in the worst way possible. Sal cleans himself up too following a similar ritual as Q.

They both leave the room and meet up with Joe and Murr to go and find something to eat. Collectively they all decide on Denny’s as the safest place to eat around the area being that it was the most familiar, affordable, and also the closest since they didn’t want to stray to far from the place they were staying. They sat in a round booth, Q being squeezed between Joe and Sal with Murr sitting on the other side of Joe. As their meal progressed, Q couldn’t help but take occasional sneaking glances at Sal as he got lost in the conversation during their meal. He couldn’t help but also notice Sal doing the same, or he thought that’s what he saw. Maybe his mind could just be playing tricks on him to give him some sense of false hope.

Once the meal was over they all had grown tired and decided to call it a night and walk back to the motel and get some much needed rest to fuel up for the long day they had coming tomorrow. They said their “good nights” and that left Sal and Q to trail off to their room to wind down for the night. Q throws himself onto the bed and Sal groans.

“Q, off the bed, you haven’t even showered yet. I don’t want your grease in the bed i’m also sleeping in.” Q sits back up on the bed so he doesn’t have to hear Sal be the hygiene commander anymore. He plops himself on the shitty fold up chair in the corner of the room that creaks as he put his weight on it. When he looks up he sees Sal remove his shirt and disappear into the bathroom where the door shut and locked. Q felt heat rise in his cheeks and his heart race, it was only a split moment but it was enough to burn an image into his memory. His hands grip at the sides of the chair seat as though he was bracing himself for something.

“Stop it Quinn, you shouldn’t be thinking about your best friend like that.” He quietly curses to himself. He rubs his face and anytime his eyes shut all he can see is Sal. Everything has been driving him crazy but today just seems to be the icing on the cake. He just sat there and stewed in his whirlwind of emotions.

The bathroom door quickly opened back up and a wall of steam falls into the room. Sal emerges from the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist and now Q felt like his head exploded.

“Bathroom’s all yours.” Sal casually strolls over to his suitcase to grab what he needed without batting an eye. Q quickly hides in the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He stands there for a moment frozen. Why is the universe testing him today?

“This tour is going to be the death of me.” He says to himself as he strips all his articles of clothing away and steps into the shower. As he stood under the hot running water and cleaned off his body, his mind began to play scenarios in his head. Sal walking towards him with nothing but a towel on, hazel eyes filled with a seductive energy, his hands all over Q’s body, lips connected, the towel falling. “Fuck.” Q quietly murmurs as his hand slides down and wraps around his now hard cock.

More filthy ideas play in Q’s head, his eyes closed fully envisioning all he’s ever lustfully desired. Their bodies intertwined, hot breath on his skin, love bites littered all over their bodies, the aching relief of climax. He pumps harder and faster as he leaned against the shower wall biting down on his knuckle so hard it nearly breaks the skin to prevent any sinful noises from slipping out and echoing past the paper thin walls. the harmony of their bodies moving rhythmically together, Q hovering over a needy whining Sal, thin layer of glistening sweat that made him glow underneath him, mouth agape with dirty obscenities falling out.

It all had become enough for Q to unravel and accidentally allow a loud and low groan of his crush’s name to escape that he couldn’t quite catch before it was released. He came down from his high and covered his mouth realizing how loud it actually was and what exactly he let slip, he stood silent for a moment to see if the man on the other side of the wall would react at all. The running water was the only sound that was consistent, pure silence besides that. Q sighed in hopes that he had gotten away with it, but worry and nerves still settled in the lower parts of his stomach because maybe Sal knew but didn’t say anything.

He finished bathing and decided to shake the feeling away and try to convince himself that everything was fine. He steps out of the shower and sees the room is dark, he goes to his suitcase and peeks over at Sal. There he was in bed curled up quietly in peaceful rest. This calmed Q now knowing now that Sal probably hadn’t heard his slip up. He dressed himself in his pajamas and climbed into the sheets on the empty side of the mattress.

As he sat there with heavy eyes, he couldn’t help but stare for a little bit at the man that snoozed away next to him. He looked so calm for once rather than being on edge. Finally the weight of his eyes got to him and he fell fast asleep.

In the middle of the night, however, he felt his sleepy state grow lighter until he was half awake but refused to open his eyes. He felt a warmth pressed up against his side and it felt as though it was moving. He finally managed to pry open his eyes and look to his side where he was met face to face with Sal. It slightly startled him to a more awake state as that wasn’t what he was expecting to wake up to. Sal was still deeply asleep, snoring lightly as he breathed. As he looked down to see what the movement was, he almost had to do a double take.

There was Sal grinding up against Q’s thigh like a dog in heat. Q went very stiff unsure of what to do in a predicament like this.

“Do I move him? Do I move? Do I wake him up? Do I keep this secret? What is going on?” Was playing in his mind along with a thousand other questions. His thoughts were zooming at a million miles a minute trying to process the situation and take proper action. Although he was lost in his head, there was something that quickly brought him back to reality.

“Mmm~” A low hum came from Sal’s vocal chords and Q felt the blood begin to rush to places he didn’t want it to. Things were getting messier and messier by the second and Q still had no clue what to do and felt like a deer in the headlights. “Fuck... Brian...” Words slipped out of Sal and it made Q’s eyes go wide. Now he knew he would not be able to go back to sleep. Was he dreaming about him? Q couldn’t ignore it for much longer and decided it’d be best to wake him up, he couldn’t bare much more of this.

He shook Sal on his shoulder lightly until his snoring and moaning stopped and his eyes fluttered open. Sal didn’t say anything but groaned at the fact that he was awoken in the middle of what obviously appeared to be a pleasurable dream. Sal looked down to see the position he was in and his whole face went pale as he pieced together what was going on.

“I’m so sorry Q.” Sal said sheepishly, he stumbled over his words and was absolutely mortified and wanted to crawl into a cave and never return to civilization. “Did I... say anything?” Q felt his face go red as he recollected all the things Sal moaned out in his heated moment.

“You might have mumbled a few things.” He said trying to hide the fact that he knew Sal was having a wet dream, even worse a wet dream about him. Sal looked up to the older man and smirked.

“So you could take a wild guess as to what I was dreaming about then. I know i’m not the only one that’s been a little needy on this tour.” Sal eyes Q up and down and Q mentally flatlined in that moment. “I heard you in the shower, you’re not as sneaky as you think Quinn. Sneaking glances at me in the restaurant, playing coy with all this flirting, and now jerking off to me in the shower? You play a dirty game.” Sal knew. That son of a bitch knew. But more importantly, he felt the same way and this was Q’s green light to stop fantasizing and start living the reality he always wanted.

“You say I play coy when you’re just as bad. Listening to me in the Shower, Sally boy, that’s pretty dirty if you ask me. And I had to find out that you have the hots for me with you grinding up against my leg like a horny teenager? Who’s the one playing dirty here?” Q gets up and hovers over Sal whose face filled with shock and the realization that he teased Q a little too much and now he’s going to pay the price for it. “Do you want me to continue.” Q feels fired up and watches as Sal swallows hard beneath him. Sal quickly grabs the collar of Q’s shirt and reels him in for their lips to crash together, lips working hard at the other’s with desperation. That was all Q needed as he ground his hips against Sal, feeling his aching hard member through the layers of their pants and boxers.

Q’s lips escape Sal’s and go on to kiss at the sensitive skin of his neck which got a long drawn out moan out of Sal. Sal’s hand reaches down and snakes its way into Q’s pajama pants and grabs hold of his hard on.

“Oh shit.” Q breathes out at the sensation of Sal’s hand and he quickly grows into a groaning mess as Sal begins to pleasure the man on top of him. Q thrusts his hips, physically begging to feel more.

“Someone’s excited.” Sal says as he watches Q fall apart before him, delicious music to his ears. Sal pushes Q off of him and lays him on his back, he sneaks down underneath the covers and devilishly smirks knowing what he’s about to do. Q feels the warm body move under the covers and on top of him, his pants slide down along with his boxers, a hand hold his cock, and then suddenly a wet hot warmth around his it.

The sensation made Q’s toes curl and he desperately gasps for air. He props himself up on his elbows and moves the covers up to reveal Sal taking sucking Q off. Sal notices and smiles a bit while he continues to bob his head, taking the tip of his tongue and swirl it around the head. Q’s head flung back and his hand shot to Sal’s head, grasping at the hair on top of his head feeling as it moved up and down. Nothing comprehensible came out of Q’s mouth, just a strew of noises that only made Sal more excited as he worked his mouth around Q to keep the noises coming. Sal ground his hips against the mattress to get his own sense of pleasure and he hummed at the sensation, the humming sent vibrations through Q which caused his release to creep in faster.

“Fuck, Sal, i’m gonna cum. I’m so close. You’re so good at this, shit.” He whined out. Sal removed himself and looked into Q’s eyes as he pumped his dick hard and fast in his fist.

“Do it, cum for me Brian.” He said in a low seductive tone. Soon enough, hot ropes of cum came shooting out of Q with the same groan of Sal’s name he had released in the shower earlier, only this time he wasn’t afraid to allow all his sinful noises to echo through the room.

Brian huffed, seeing stars as he descended from his high and looked at Sal who was still humping into the mattress. Q smirked and pulled Sal up so his back rested on his chest and kissed along his neck and shoulders. He reached his arm around to grab hold of Sal’s hard on and started giving him the sexual attention he deserved.

“There’s no telling you how long i’ve waited to see you become putty in my hands like this.” Sal’s hands gripped around Q’s forearms as he watched breathlessly as the older joker jerked him off. The sensation of Q’s hot breath on his shoulder, wet kisses along his silhouette, broad hands and thick fingers around his dick, and the pump of Q’s heart against his back sent him over the edge into a pool of pleasure. He quickly met the same fate as Q as his back arched at the sensation.

Q assisted in the clean up, grabbing wet cloths from the bathroom to wipe the two of them down. They clothed themselves again and snuggled up in bed and a wave of exhaustion swallowed them whole as their bodies sunk into the comfort of the thick sheets and soft mattress.

“So when we’re you gonna tell me that you like me like that?” Sal jokes as he curled up against Q’s chest.

“I don’t know, I thought the whole flirting thing was just a long stretched out joke.”

“We both know it wasn’t really a joke anymore.” Q chuckled knowing they both had crossed the barrier between playful and serious and they both were a little too oblivious to realize it.

“You’re right, but here we are. I mean, that is if you wanna be a thing?” Q stops himself from solidifying anything too fast. He looks to Sal and he’s staring back but with a shy smile.

“I would have liked if you took me to dinner first.” He giggles and Q can’t help but smile. “But i’d like if we were a thing in all seriousness.”

“What are we gonna tell the guys?” Q asks genuinely curious now that everything that happened had fully sunk in.

“They can figure it out themselves. Who knows, maybe they’ll just think this is part of the gimmick, it’ll make it even funnier.” The thought of that made Q laugh even harder, the rumble of his chuckle made Sal shake a little. “Okay now enough with the pillow talk, we seriously need sleep and i’m on the verge of passing out.”

“Okay, okay. Goodnight Sal.” Q brings the other in close and gently kisses the top of his head, Sal nuzzles his head into. his chest and takes in the scent of Q’s musk. He felt comfortable and content.

“Goodnight, Bri.” They both closed their eyes and drifted off to sleep knowing now they no longer had to dream of the other or keep their feelings locked away. And it was all thanks to some midnight mischief.

———————————————————

Next door to them, however. Joe and Murr sat there in bed grateful that the moaning and groaning had finally stopped and they could finally get some shut eye.

“Who in the hell has surprise sex at this hour? I swear when I see them i’m going to kill them.” Murr grumbled as he pouted trying to find a new comfortable position to finally go to sleep.

“Or we could get back at them.” Joe jokes over to Murr who clearly was not having it at all and just wanted rest.

“Not a chance Gatto.” Those were his final words before he finally decided he had enough for the night and was determined to go back to sleep. Joe just shrugged his shoulders and curled back up in bed.

“Eh, it was worth a shot.”

[thirsthourdemon]

hello!! sorry to bother you kajnwew,, may i please have a matchup with sakusa kiyoomi? im about 5'2, black wavy hair with bands on the left side, germaphobe, pale, im japanese and i also wear white/black surgical masks, i have a mole on the left side of my mouth and a few freckles. i enjoy stuff that are repetitive and cooking. resting bitch face and prefers replying with short texts/answers in general, doesnt talk much NEKJAWNE,, thanks!!

I had fun writing about this HAHAHAHA

||Sakusa Kiyoomi

-Imagine this. You pull up to itachiyama’s VBC and you try to pick up kiyoomi

-Everyone starts staring, why?

-There is a GenderBent sakusa right in front of them talking to sakusa himself.

-Needless to say everyone is really confused and though they understand you’re just his S/O they cant get over the fact that you two are so much alike!

-Strangely enough you guys met at the supermarket when you both happened to be restocking your cleaning supplies

-You both didn’t want to talk but when you both line up at the check out counter the disgustingly preppy cashier asked if guys were twins

-You both gave her a disgusted look and you kinda agreed on something like that

-Why did you guys exchange numbers? He knew a certain store that was selling the disinfectant that you were looking for

-Here’s the thing both of you took so many months. It was a slow burn like you guys just meet up every end of the month to restock at the same place

-First month: He talked to you and told you his name. You did as well.

-Second Month: Both of you shared a laugh because some bitch bought those sanitizers that barely worked? But like the packaging was nice? You both chuckled at that poor bitch

-Third month: You saw his face on the front cover of a sports magazine. He told you that he played volleyball. You told him you liked cooking.

-Fourth month: He told you that he enjoyed your company. You told him you enjoyed his company as well.

-Fifth month: You guys finally told each other you liked each other

-That was such a slow burn and whenever you and him text it’s mostly...

Omi: Goodmorning

You: Gm

Omi: I have morning practice today. Will you be coming over to restock with me at the super market?

You: Yes but I’ll pick you up later.

Omi: Alright. We practice at the first gym.

You. Okay.

Omi: Okay.

-You and him spend time together at his house by social distancing and doing your own thing. You sometimes cook for him but you make sure to wash the vegetables and other ingredients thoroughly

-Both of you show affection through this like he once threw a guy off because the guy touched you and you were shuddering like

-WTF YOUR GERMS EXCUSE ME

-I love how you guys will just look like that intimidating couple but both of you are 10/10 soft for each other 😌

[pinkstarbeam]

The girl down the road has cancer (A plance AU)

DISCLAIMER: THIS AU CONTAINS SENSITIVE TOPICS SUCH AS THE FOLLOWING; CANCER (SPECIFICALLY LEUKEMIA), NEEDLES USED FOR MEDICATION, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, HOSPITALS, AND JUST OVERALL A REALLY FEELS FILLED AU THAT YOU ALL ASKED FOR. ENJOY THE PAIN I’VE WRITTEN FOR YOU, YOU HEATHENS (Love you guys tho o3o~<3)

Lance had lived in the same neighborhood his whole life so when a new family was moving in down the road it immediately peeked the interest of the seventeen year old

With a pie from his Mother in hand that served as a ‘Welcome to the neighborhood’ he walked to the newly occupied house and rang the bell

Matt, the eldest son of the Holt family answered the door which relieved Lance as most the occupants of the neighborhood were retired couples mixed with empty nesters 

“I’d invite you in, but we are still unpacking and my parents want to ‘De-Germ’ themselves before going to see my sister.” Matt joked

“Is your sister a germaphobe or something?” Lance joked back

Matt’s smile faltered “Oh uhm..No..She’s sick.”

“Sick?” Lance asked feeling bad for the joke he made

“Yeah, she was recently diagnosed with Leukemia, she’s in the children’s hospital here because, they specialize in it, hence why we moved here.”

“Oh man...Well tell her that she’s in my families thoughts and prayers.”

Matt’s smile returned a bit “Thanks, Katie will be happy to hear we’ve already met some nice neighbors.”

Just then Matt’s Mom called and the two parted ways

Returning home Lance laid on his bed as he stared at his family portrait on is bedside table, he had no idea how he would handle it if any of his family members ended up getting that sick, the mere thought was enough for tears to sting his eyes. He decided in that moment that when he could, he would go see Katie and do his best to help her though this as a new friend whenever he didn’t have to be elsewhere.

In the hospital Katie sat listening to the machines around her, the constant beeping would have driven any normal person mad, but thanks to growing up around computers she was fairly used to all the many noises they could make

Looking towards her door she watched as one of her doctor came in “You better be here with peanut butter cookies Shiro.”

Shiro laughed as he took a seat on his stool “I’ll see what I can do about getting you some later, for now I need to ask you how you’re feeling right now before we start your first chemotherapy session.”

Katie sighed as she looked down to her hands, she had heard chemo was painful and drained your energy, even if it was supposed to make her feel better, she wasn’t ready to feel that way

“I’m okay..I just...” tears stung her eyes “It’s not fucking fair.”

“Language Katie..”

“I’m sorry but, it’s just...Last summer I was competing at the nationals for robotic design and now i’m..”

“Stuck in a bed.”

“Yeah.”

Shiro gently touched her shoulder “It’s going to be a hard journey Katie, but I can promise you it’s going to be worth is. We cure eighty percent or childhood cancer and though it isn’t good you got sick in the first case, your leukemia is still in it’s early stages which means that within the year you should be able to leave the hospital aside from monthly check ins.”

Katie knew eighty percent was a goo odd, but the twenty percent liked to weigh on her mind more 

After discussing how she felt her first IV based chemotherapy session took place a few hours later once her family had arrived to support her

She felt lousy to the say the least

Her Mother’s grip on her hand was almost painful, but Katie knew her Mother was secretly worrying herself sick behind her strong wife and mom facade

As for her Father he looked as if he hadn’t slept since in who knows how long, actually she did, he hadn’t slept well since her diagnosis

Matt sat at the foot of her bed “A kid your age stopped by today, friendly guy, think he said his name was Lance? He said him and his family will keep you in their thoughts and prayers.”

“How nice of them, isn’t that wonderful Katie?” her Mother asked

Katie didn’t answer, she was feeling weaker by the minute 

“We should let her rest.” Her Father finally spoke “We can take turns coming to see her tomorrow.”

Her Mother and Matt nodded before the three of them said their goodbye’s and I love you’s before Katie allowed the fatigue to take over

Months passed and what was left of Katie’s long sandy brown hair was becoming patchy due to her medicine, she hated it, the mere sight of the patches filled her with anger towards her body, how could she be so weak? Why couldn’t she just die already!?

She quickly backpedaled that thought as she looked to the picture o f her family that sat on her bed side tray

tears began to spill from her eyes as she screamed at the top of her lungs and threw her pillow across the room

Shiro quickly hurried in and was followed by a few nurses

He quickly hugged “Katie, Katie calm down, it’s okay.” he spoke softly as he calmed her down “Look at me.”

Katie slowly pulled her face away from his shoulder looking up at him

“Do I need to ask Adam to come talk to you? Would that help?”

Katie nodded, Adam was the teen therapist at the hospital as well as Shiro’s husband, the two of them keeping her sane when her family wasn’t around

Shortly afterwards Adam came in and gave Katie a small smile “Tough morning pidge?”

The sound of her nickname lifted her heart a bit, she hated how formal her name was beginning to sound.

“I...I don’t..”

“It’s okay, take you time.”

She nodded and took a deep breath “I...I keep getting these thoughts..”

“Thoughts?”

Another nod “I..I thought that maybe things would be easier..if i just..died.”

She noticed Adam’s face fall before he took of his glasses “Can you pinpoint why you thought that?”

“It’s just, if I hadn’t gotten sick my-”

“I’m going to stop you there, Katie, you did not choose to get sick and there wasn’t anything you could have done to prevent this.” he gave he a small smile “You’re getting better, I know the medicine makes you feel gross, but  that means it’s working and if it’s working then that means you’re nearly out of here.”

Katie held a fistful of her blanket “..Things will never be normal again will they?”

“Well.” Adam paused “There is no such thing as normal, life likes to throw us curve balls just to mess with us, but the best way to hit them for a home run is adaptation.”

“What do you mean?” Katie asked

“Change is a part of life, it itself is basically the curve ball, if you allow the change to come, you can hit it and show life that you’re not backing down.”

Katie smiled a bit “Just like with my cancer..”

Adam’s smile widened “Exactly, you’re showing life that you’re going to fight to live, that change won’t stop you.”

Katie opened her arms and Adam chuckled giving her a hug “Anything else?”

“I..Could we shave my head?”

Adam blinked in shock “Are you sure?”

Katie nodded “It’s not weakness...It’s progression.”

Lance had been stopping by ever since he was given the okay, at first he only came when Matt was there but, after getting a bit closer to Katie he began to come see her after his chores

“Afternoon Ka-” he paused see Katie wearing a green knitted beanie that looked like it had little cat ears

“Cat got your tongue McClain?”“ Katie asked as she forced herself to eat her lunch

“You cut it off-er I mean, not that it looks bad!” Lance rubbed the  back of his neck

“It’ll grow back once i’m finally in remission.”

Lance took a seat in the chair by her bed “Any word when that’ll be?”

“Well it’s been nearly half a year..Weird to think it’s nearly Christmas.” Katie aid looking to the Christmas lights that one of her nurses had hung up for her

“So half a year to go then.” Lance said trying to keep the air happy

“Yeah..” she looked down at the cold tomato soup and sighed “I just..If I get one Christmas miracle it will be that i’m out of here before my sixteenth birthday.”

“When is that?” he asked sipping his water

“April 3rd”

“I mean, that’s not a crazy wish, it’s only two months short of a year.”

“I’ve had to do my sophomore year online, which isn’t bad, but I wish I at least had friends- well other then you I mean, life real classmates.” she sighed

“Well if you’re in remission that means you’ll get to come to school next year and bask in my seniority.”

“If you don’t get held back” she snorted

“W o w.” he flicked a chip at her

Katie laughed “Hey!”

A smile crossed Lance’s face, he secretly loved it whenever she laughed, it made his heart happy to see her happy

The first time he met her she could barely even speak to him and now here she was laughing with him

“Oh right! Did you ask Allura to the prom yet?” Katie asked sipping her juice

“That’s like asking if I, a lowly farmer, have taken the hand of a princess.” Lance huffed

“Oh please, just ask her out already you pansy.”

“What about you?”

Katie blink “What about me?”

“If i’m at the prom then who will be here with you?”

Katie fanned her hand hiding the slight blush that colored her cheeks “I’ll be fine, i’ll just make fun of your monkey suit another day.”

He snorted “I’ll have you know I look great in a tux.”

“Cause you’re a monkey.”

As Katie’s birthday drew closer she began to think she was stuck until June, but then, two days before her birthday, Shiro came in

“Are you ready to go home?”

“Shiro that’s not funny, I know it’s April fools day, bu-”

He shook his head “You’re officially in remission Katie.”

Katie felt tears sting her eyes “You promise you’re not joking?”

He nodded “We went over you last charts and it seems that your leukemia is nearly gone, we’ll need you to come on for monthly check ups though.”

Katie was sobbing into her hands, she couldn’t believe it, she was going to finally leave the hospital after nearly a year

After hugging her Shiro left to call her parents, and Katie, well Katie called Lance

“He..Hello? Katie? Katie it’s five in the m-”

“They are releasing me today!”

“Wait what?!”

“I’m in remission Lance! I got my wish.”

Lance smiled “Will you get to come to school for the last month?”

“I doubt that, I’ll have to wait till next term, but that means we can hang out this summer.’

“Oh yeah! And you can finally meet my friend Hunk, you’ll love the big guy, he’s great!”

The two talked well until Lance had to leave for school and soon enough Katie was standing in front of her new home

“It’s not truly home but-” Her dad began but she cut him of

“Wherever you guys are is home..”

Her parents and Matt hugged her tightly before heading in

Baebae quickly bounding towards her girl who she had missed oh no much

By the time Lance got out of school Katie had finally gotten her room to her liking

With a knock Katie allowed him in

Lance walked in and couldn’t wipe the smile of his face as Katie stood there watering some succulents

“Not gonna miss that hospital smell.” he joked

she giggled ‘I’m not gonna miss it at all.” she sat down on her bed

“So are you okay to leave the house?” he asked

“I’m supposed to take it easy for a bit, my body is already sore from just moving back home.” Katie admitted

Understanding Katie had to think about her health he settled or the two of them catching up on RWBY on her laptop

As prom  got closer the more Lance was beginning to worry about prom, he had wanted to ask Allura, but here recently he guessed his crush had faded

When he thought about about the type of girl he liked he came to a very quick conclusion 

He liked Katie

However Katie couldn’t come to prom seeing as it wouldn’t be safe for her, because if she got sick again he would never forgive himself

So, he got an idea

Come prom night Katie heard a knock down stairs and went to answer it to find Lance standing on her front porch in his tuxedo whilst holding a bouquet of flowers

“Wow you do actually clean up nice.” Katie smiled “Are you on your way to pick up Allura?”

“Nope.” he held the bouquet out to her

Her cheeks turned slightly red “What are these for?” she asked taking them

“Well, this is my way of asking you to my personal prom.” 

“Personal prom?”

He nodded “I was just gonna dance the night away by myself, but I thought it would be more fun with you.”

She snorted “You’re such a dork.”

“Only for you.”

The two went up to her room and  turned on some music

Matt and her parents even joining in at times 

Between dancing they took video game breaks and before either of them realized it was well past midnight

Katie laughed as she laid back on her beanbag holding her wii remote up in victory “I win!”

“Only because you blue shelled me on the second lap!” Lance huffed

“Oh shush you hit me with a bullet in the first lap.”

“Touche.”

There was was a knock on her door and the two looked up to see her dad standing there

“You two should get some sleep it’s late, Lance if you want you can sleep downstairs.”

“It’s alright, it’s not like I live far.” he smiled getting up “I’ll see you tomorrow Katie.” he waved as he grabbed his suit jacket and left

Sam followed him out “Hey Lance.”

Lance turned to look at him “Yes Mr.Holt?”

“My students call me Mr.Holt, feel free to call me Sam.”

he nodded

“I just wanted to thank you for befriending Katie, she didn’t have a lot of friends outside her robotics team back at home, so when she got sick it was easy to tell she felt alone.”

Lance smiled “She’s a cool girl..It’s an honor just to get to be her friend.”

Sam chuckled a bit “Probably would be a bigger honor to be her boyfriend huh?”

Lance turned red as he gave a nervous laugh “I-I mean.”

Sam laid a hand on his shoulder “Relax, I think you’re good for her so, if you ever want to ask her out one of these days you have my blessing.”

Lance felt a smile come over his face “Alright, good night Mr- Sam!” and with that he headed home unable to wipe the grin off his face

Summer came and Katie sat in Lance’s back yard reading as Lance swam in his pool

“Katie come on the water is nice!” Lance whined

“I already told you I don’t want to swim.” Katie laughed

In all honesty, she actually didn’t know how 

However the next thing she knew a wet Lance was  throwing her over his shoulder causing her to drop her book “Lance don-”

But it was too late, the boy already jumped in the pool

When they came up for air Katie was coughing and clinging onto Lance for dear life

“See it fee-..Are you okay?” he asked worried when he felt her shaking

“I can’t swim.” she admitted coughing up some water

Lance immediately felt like shit “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s embarrassing, i’m sixteen and can’t go past the five foot line..”

“I could always teach you? Then we can go on a beach date!”

Katie blinked blushing slightly “Date?”

Lance quickly realized what he said “I-I mean if you-”

She laughed splashing him with a bit of water “Date it is.”

//Thank you guys or being patient with me