#אי וי עף

[shainachantake2]

Okay what?? After my husband sent his latest message to BO, it was quiet for a week, and suddenly they're approving our funding for a FET? 😱😱😱 Idk why it's suddenly become so much more real...

[shainachantake2]

I'm going to vent about our ongoing infertility situation.

S is now 16 months old, so it's still early in the game, but I've had my cycle back for 7 months now. It's sometimes weird and unpredictable, but so far I've ovulated every cycle.

I still ovulate around day 16 or 17, my luteal phase just varies based on if S has nursed extra. For example, 2 cycles ago I ovulated on day 16 and my LP was 12 days. Last cycle was a crazy one with ovulation on day 17 and an LP of 9 days. Tbh I need to wean her soon... It's driving me crazy to not be able to calm her because she always wants the breast.

Anyway. A charity is working with us and they've changed their operations completely. Previously they partnered with a Jewish doctor at the fertility clinic, and took his advice on things while we worked with him face to face. After 4 years of trying for S, and all blood work and all that coming back great, the charity said it was time to do IVF. We did and it resulted in 7 frozen embryos and baby S, BH.

Now, they've got their own medical team who we cannot see face to face. For whatever reason even though they asked for medical records and history twice and we gave it twice, they still don't know anything about us. They want us to do everything all over again because they want us to get pregnant naturally. Uh yeah so do I, obviously, but we've done all this already??? They are not considering a FET right now and want to tweak me first to see if natural is possible and maybe go for IUI...

Worst thing is that now that I did my blood work again, my FSH came back slightly high at 10.1, and my thyroid is at 3.4, while they normally want 2.5 or lower. These are problems I didn't have previously, so seeing them as some sort of solution to our problem would be wrong. Of course I do need to check the thyroid thing because my mum has Hashimotos, but it's not the cause of our fertility issues.

Honestly, I think if we want to have another child in a reasonable time frame (I'm not again going to try for 4 years ugh, I'm 36!), we may have to do this on our own. 😐

[shainachantake2]

Okay I need to gripe about some things.

1. Some complete maniac decided to kill some man, chop him in pieces, wrap them in plastic, and leave part of his body in the forest across from my daughter's school where the kg children go on Tuesdays. Worst thing is that they've suspended all rubbish collections in the entire surrounding area because they're looking for the rest of the body. All of this right before Pesach. If the goyim are going to be insane, can they at least do it in their own areas.

2. Bonei olam is making us jump through hoops before we can get funding for a FET. Like hello the embryos are right there? No, first they want me to do a monitored cycle. Okay what for, I'm ovulating and everything is exactly the same as my entire TTC life? It's so frustrating. 🙄 And a monitored cycle is not going to show them what's wrong! I've already had enough of those. Like yeah I do want to know but there are no answers, and getting my hopes up looking for them again fruitlessly is cruel. Also, I hate being stuck like this. They want us to use 2 cycles to get that done. So that's all of April and all of May and part of June before we can start thinking of a FET. And it's not free, either. We'll need to pay for the ultrasound(s). 🙄 Ughghghgh. Why can't we be like normal people and just get pregnant.

[shainachantake2]

So discouraged at the moment...

When normal people conceive, it's them, their spouse, and the eibishter. When we want to get pregnant (because lol I guess we already conceived in 2022), it's us, our counsellor at bonei olam, irate secretaries at our clinic, nurses, doctors, embryologists... 😕

Idk just feeling discouraged after a secretary was all annoyed at me for asking questions and realising that without the 1 Jewish doctor there, things have gone downhill. I had to schedule a nurse's protocol planning appointment which I wasn't expecting, and they tried to schedule it first for erev RH, then 1st day RH, then 2nd day 😅 at this point I really regret trying to do it so soon after the chagim but... It's already been delayed so much, and there are no guarantees that it will work, and we're only getting older...

[shainachantake2]

Edit: husband came home from his conference and we sat down and discussed the whole thing. He agrees with me and we've decided to tell them that it's inhumane to force us to re-examine everything after so many years, and that we are going for a FET with or without them. Rabbi K thanked us for the message and is going to pass it along to the medical team so let's see what they come up with...

I am so frustrated.

After talking to our advisor and telling him we think this monitored cycle is a waste of time, we want to go for a FET and why do they want us to do anything else? He said he was going to think about what we said.

Ffw, a week or so later he's confused about what we spoke about and can we meet up. My husband says he just wants to know how we plan to follow the medical team's plans. I think he actually wants to chat. Whatever, we decide to go for following the medical team.

They want an ultrasound for some reason right before ovulation but it would be at our expense. I let them know when that will be, and guess what.... They don't actually believe me. They want me to tell them when my last period started, how long it was, and my cycle length and they'll calculate it for me. Never mind that I do OPKs? 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I'm just.... I'm feeling so hurt and alone and dehumanised. My husband seems to not understand how this feels at all. I hate the medical team right now. This is honestly just a huge waste of time and money. They're not going to magically approve funding for a FET, they want to magically get us pregnant naturally. They want to one-up all the previous specialists we've seen and somehow "do better" than all the other tests we've already been through.

[shainachantake2]

Why is my body giving me a 15 day LP all of a sudden.... Give me a break.... For an entire week I've been dealing with huge PMS and nothing to show for it! I refuse to test because I'll just get a negative and feel horrible. Just Ughghghgh feeling really in the dumps right now especially with no way forward.

[shainachantake2]

Scheduled our ultrasound and consultation appointments, regretfully they had to wait till September so we'll definitely have to wait till after yomim tovim due to cycle timing. Which sucks because if we are successful IYH please g-d, it completely destroys summer holidays next year, and of course if we're not chas vshalom rachamana litzlan it also destroys our finances and therefore summer holidays next year so yay. 🙃 Even though we have 7 embryos BH BH I'm not even sure how many times I want to go through this nonsense.

[shainachantake2]

It's a baby girl!! ❤️🥰 Barely made it to the hospital in time and had no pain relief or anything. We had no time!! Never thought I'd be in that position but lol. Baby is 6lbs1oz and doing well, and so am I BH.

[shainachantake2]

I'm in crisis mode right now, FYI. Was just diagnosed with vasa previa, so while the placenta moved out of the way, it decided to leave a big juicy blood vessel there. Yes great job 🙄🤦 This means baby has to come via c section and very very soon (read: chanukah-10 teves, when the original due date was 10 shevat). Now we are scrambling. I am not enjoying the unknown.

[shainachantake2]

Update on this post:

Had the scan today with a delightful professor. BH really good news. He confirmed the placenta is out of the way 👍 The big vein they saw at the ultrasound at 32 weeks is my vein, so it's a non-issue. There however is a vein from the placenta running right along the side of the baby's head, 3cm from the cervical os. He however doesn't think that will be an issue at all BH and expects that distance to be 5cm+ in a couple of weeks. My cervix is also holding up well, it's long at 35mm and closed. I'm to go in for a follow up scan at 36 weeks (the date they were originally going to CS me). He was so confident it would move, my husband had to ask him what would happen if it hadn't chas vshalom, and he said a CS from about 38-39 weeks.

I'm so so so relieved. No more preemie baby, a high possibility of a vaginal delivery, and just BH I'm so relieved.

[shainachantake2]

Great news, my parents just informed us they're visiting my sister for the latter half of December 👍👍 The way they did was just super ugh but what else is new 🤣

Mother: hey [sister] do you have a wishlist for Xmas? And what about [brother-in-law] for his birthday? And what about you, [father]?

Sister: not yet! I'll think about it!

Mother: oh yeah [Shaina], we're going to visit [sister] on 15 December!

She either deliberately or just in her usual neglectful way forgot to include us there, lol. Might I remind everyone she also never did us the courtesy of asking what my daughter wanted for her bday and bought her a cheap ass dress from the supermarket, not even in her favourite colours and it's too short. They came in March with an enormous Playmobil set that they chose to quote "make up for the last few years" (because the last thing they got her (and us!) before that was a play tent from Amazon in March 2020), but the theme is just..... What.... As for what I got, uhm.... I think I got a table runner? 🤣 For everyone's info, they're well off financially so it's not a case of, they can't afford it. I remember my grandparents doing so much for us, so I'm supremely unimpressed.

Whatever. The reason this is a good thing is that I am planning to announce the pregnancy on Chanukah when I'll be 35 ish weeks, and they'll be all the way in the US so they'll be super distracted with the golden child and won't be tempted to come visit or freak out or put me in the spotlight. 👍 I'm giving them the absolute bare minimum because I do not want my children to be their trophy to brag about, especially not one that cost us £8000 and lots of tears and anguish. And blood and bruises. 😆

[shainachantake2]

My mother has this obsession with my father's mother's family, since they all kept in touch etc. Unlike her own mess of a family. Anyway, she sends birthday greetings in the WhatsApp group for every single person, it's really boomer level lmao. She also rarely gets responses to them, because frankly it's super cringe. If my father's cousin's spouse sent me a bday greeting I'd be like 🤔

Long story short, a second cousin had a baby, so she was discussing it with my sister. And then she said, "the family is expanding! Next up is [other second cousin's baby]". Second cousin announced her pregnancy mid August, due in February, so I'm assuming she's due end of February. I'm feeling this weird giddiness about the fact that she doesn't even know yet that her own 2nd grandchild is actually due before them, and that she therefore can't gossip about us.

On the other hand, the hurt from infertility hasn't gone away. They don't know I'm pregnant. But none of these so-called caring people felt the need to reach out to me to find out how I'm doing after discussing other family members' fertility so thoroughly. 🙄 I mean what else is new but I don't like being confronted with their lack of empathy all the time. I also know for a fact they'll be speculating on our pregnancy once we announce it and whether it was natural and whether we were just being impatient etc. They already armchair diagnosed me with all kinds of issues like genetic issues and ovulation issues without ever consulting me. They also told me "there's not much they can do about infertility" so I wonder what they even know 🤣 but I'm certain my sister will then bring up IUI and IVF because she follows people on social media. Adding fuel to the gossip mill.

I know I sound paranoid but this is literally how my parents discuss every single thing and have done so for 34 years. I know I can expect this. I'm not ready for it.

[shainachantake2]

I got a midwife today who I did not like at all 🤣 glad I've never seen her before. She is a nice Jewish lady but within seconds of arriving decided my baby needed to be dressed like a sausage with a good helping of guilt for not keeping the house warm enough (S was sweating by the time she left and I quickly unwrapped her) and asked me multiple times if I was eating enough because I look skinny (I feel thinshamed lmao) and that I should really go to the mother baby retreat (uh, I hear you but my 5yo will be heartbroken and no she will not "not even know I'm gone" lmao). Thankfully she was only there to weigh my baby. And BH baby gained 250g since last time so she's now over her birth weight and we've been officially discharged 👍

We also went to the bris of the couple who had a baby boy (the same couple who also went through IVF and was due before us). They run the Chabad teens. Z arrived before me, made herself a plate of food (aka cakes), and plonked herself at a table filled with teen girls, completely ignoring her little friends. Soooo hilarious. I asked her if she knew any of the girls and she just shrugged. 😂 She was joking with them and it was super funny, she was even on one of the group pictures with them.

[shainachantake2]

It's funny to see how effective cluster feeding is. Yesterday afternoon and evening my poor breasts did not get a break, it was constant back and forth. Then we slept from 11 till 4:30, and I wake up to such engorgement it's like day 1 of milk coming in all over again lol.

PS, Z made a family tree for chamisha asar bshevat, it's super cute:

She's on top on the apple, I'm on the orange (I'm not blond btw, the yellow was apparently because she ran out of time), husband is on the lemon, and then S is on the plum and honestly I think that's the highlight of the whole thing lol.

Honestly after the years of struggling to have kids I'm just feeling so relieved for some reason. Just the idea that it was 3 pictures previously is distressing. I'm so glad with the current situation, BH. For a while there between Z and S I wasn't sure we were ever going to get here.

[shainachantake2]

I know this is not tznius, but this whole process has been anything but tznius and I don't think I know anyone IRL on here anyway:

we got several positive pregnancy tests BH.

So reassuring! Now IYH it will continue this way, bshaah tovah. I believe I'll get some early scans at the clinic? They might also change my progesterone intake.

[shainachantake2]

Baruch hashem! 😱 I got the update on how many of our 9 fertilised eggs made it to blastocyst stage. I was expecting a conservative 30-40%, so about 3 blastocysts.

We have one grade 1, 2 blastocyst ready for transfer today, which the embryologist praised for being a very good one......

And......

A whopping SEVEN for freezing!!!!! WTF body why couldn't you make me pregnant normally then? 8 out of 9!!

I told hashem last night that if He would just get as many of these embryos as possible through to the blastocyst stage, that that would be a real kiddush hashem, while saying kapitel chof. Hashem seems to have answered our prayers. Now the next steps...