#''I bet Bruce has some shades he's seen some shit''

[liminalhollow]

So I like the concept/headcanon of “shades.” Which if you don’t know, is the idea that’s there’s a type of ghost that’s kinda like a blob ghost and they’re weak little globs of ectoplasm that are formed from strong emotions and hang around the human world, usually harmlessly.

And I was thinking about that with Batman crossovers.

Bruce is traumatized. He’s definitely got a shade or two following him around. Wayne manor is probably a playground for them.

So what if there was one that formed back when he lost his parents. The trauma that’s at the core of all his other trauma.

And it stayed with him all these years, growing with him and being fed and shaped by his emotions.

The day Danny meets Bruce Wayne, he sees it immediately.

It’s one of the strongest shades he’s ever seen. It’s still weak compared to him of course, because it’s still just a shade. An entity that’s dependent on the emotions feeding it to exist, and mostly undetectable by ghost hunting equipment. But it’s still exceptionally strong for a shade.

It looks just like the Batman, except it’s glaringly not human. A big, black, looming shadow, its body a featureless silhouette with blank, glowing white eyes. Long tendrils curling up at the ends of the cape. Gliding about with fluid motions and able to twist and stretch its wispy form how it sees fit.

It's like the version of the Bat imagined in the stories told of him. Less of a real human being and more of a larger-than-life tale.

It likes to take the place of Bruce’s shadow. It moves with him wherever he goes, only sometimes peeling itself off the walls and floor to peer around its host’s shoulders. 

Danny can’t take his eyes off it.

Bruce wonders why this kid keeps staring at the empty space behind him.

The night Danny encounters Batman, he thinks Bruce’s shade wandered off on its own.

Then he gets a closer look. It’s not the shade, it’s a man enveloped by the shade, wearing it like a cloak. Or a suit.

As soon as Danny realizes that, Bruce’s secret identity is compromised.

(He doesn’t say a word to Bruce. Even the next time he meets Bruce in the daylight and the shade is back in its place, posing as his shadow.)

People tell stories about Batman. How he melts into the shadows like he is one. How he moves more silently than a human should be able to. How his glare has a force behind it. How maybe he’s some kind of meta, or even a ghost.

The rumors have a shred of truth to them. But he isn’t a meta or a ghost, just a man wrapped in his own shadow.

Anyway just... Bruce unknowingly has a shade buddy as his sidekick and reflection of his mental state and it gives him subtle shadow manipulation and fear-inducing powers AU.

[fandom-imagination-ss]

Clark Kent imagine

Author note: I cannot remeber writing this..and since i haven’t wrote anything for a while. I figure hey why not!!!!! So Sorry if it doesn’t make sense LOL 😂😂 I will be posting more soon promise.!!

Did i proof read: .... I honestly dont remember writing this soo.. you BET your tooth i didn’t proof read

Rating: fluffy!

Fandom: DC

God your such a big Dork!”

Laughing loudly your sides hurt , Clark just tripped and slide right into a lamp and somehow managed for the shade too be on. His head. You reached over helping him chuckling softly tracing your hands over his broad shoulders making sure he wasn’t hurt. Those Hurting Clark was physically impossible. You still worry.

He chuckled softly saying sorry, you just laughed giving him a quick kiss on the shoulder as you shifted too move too your sofa.

Loving Superman had it’s perks and downsides, the biggest one was that Loris Lane was Furious that you “stole” her profit. Clark always said that Louis never abused their relationship too get articles or too gain more popularity. But she was literally the Only reporter in the entire City that Had Full access too the most talked about man in the entire world.Getting raises left and right when She got a “in-depth “ conversation with Superman and ally he deets on a attack. Whatever way Clark spelt it out. You hated that she abused her relationship for gain at work. It felt wrong. She was literally Sleepign with the subject too information.

It didn’t help that your relationship with her was tense even before you knew she knew about Clarks double life. You were one of the few humans too know about Clarks ability before he became Superman. You grew up right down the road from Clark, same grade, best friends all thru school. Clark would show off his powers too you when you were younger and you were the only one outside he’s family too know. After he left and ran off too find himself you stayed and helped his mom and then Superman arrived and you reconnected with your oldest friend and you moved toot he city after a awful breakup and you just always were around. And Louis hated it. You tried too be friendly towards her. But once Clark discovered she was In bed with lex Luther. (Right in the middle of the Act.) he was furious And heartbroken and he broke up with her and you were secretly glade you didn’t have too pretend too be friends with her anymore.

Dating the man of steel happened so naturally you can’t even remember when it started or how it started who made the first move it just felt Right. Clark was smiling cupping your face looking at you “what you thinking about?”

Poking his stoumch you look up at him grinning, “how I’m so lucky too have my Dork.” He chuckled reaching over kissing your head. “I have too go surveillance with Bruce you be alright tonight?”

Nodding your head weakly. You were use too having too share Clark with the world. Honestly how can you complain when he’s Saving the literally world?

“Oh Ask Bruce How The Hell do you connect the light too the speakers? Too do that flashy thing.he’s instructions Suck!”

He chuckled saying okay.

He walked off. As you grinned excited too have the apartment too yourself. You walked over too your room getting out of your Jeans and into Shorts and a shirt of clarks you always steal it had he’s favourite football team. Making dinner for you, and a dessert. You grabbed your Tablet (making sure too put sticky tack on both lenses after reading how easily the cameras’ are hacked you always put Sticky tack on it if your gonna watch something in the tub.

Getting the Tub ready you started binge watching a the musketeers. When you finished having a relaxing bath you got into your cloths again and watched it on the tv. The actors were Hot as Hell. And the voices. Melting! Clark had that affect on you. He’s voice was smooth and deep and Hot. Those every aspect of your boyfriend is Hot.

You looked around realizing the place was empty as you went too the freezer as you pulled out your container of Icing. Before retuning too the sofa and warming it up as you had your spoon from your ice cream and mixed it as you watched tv. An hour passed when jumped gasping at some scenes. Then you heard the deep chuckle of your boyfriend.

“what are you doing?” You turned looking at Clark seeing him in his uniform as you had a spoon sticking out of your mouth as you spoke, “I’m- what are you doing here? I thought you were going too be late?”

“I came too check on you- what are you watching?” Getting up as you grabbed the icing container as you spoke, “Mustkeers.- what- aren’t you suppose too be hanging with a bat?” He chuckled walking over pulling you into a deep kiss it was unexpected as he pulled back as he spoke, “good icing.” You laughed hitting his softly as he grinned holding your head. “You smell nice.”

“had a bath with my good stuff.” He chuckled softly rubbing your cheek with his thumb.

“thank you.”

“For. Bathing?”

Clark chuckled kissing your forehead as he spoke, “No for being you.”

“thank you?”

He kissed you again before dashing off as you got ready for bed.

Standing in the shower in the morning getting cleaned you turned seeing Clark standing in the bathroom smiling as you spoke ‘what?”

Seeing him pulling off his Shirt, which even after a year of dating. Still left you breathless seeing him shirtless. He was curved and caved from the Gods! It still took you back that he was yours. That this guy. Who looks like a god, has powers As if he was one. Was your you giggled seeing him quickly undress and Joining you in the shower. Quickly pulling you into a deep Kiss,

Perfection can only last for so Long.

It was wrong place at the wrong time. You were In a Church helping your friend choose a location for her wedding when a machine came Crashing into the Chapel destroying it. And the impact flung you backwards and you were pierced thru the stoumch by a pipe it slipped thru you like butter. You were pinned too the wall as you looked up seeing Lex Luther appear from the robotic machine he laughed loudly seeing you.

Superman arrived instantly you saw him just in time too loose vision from loosing so much blood. You heard him screaming No! As you drift.

Clark Dashed over too you seeing you impaled and pinned too the wall. He’s screams broke windows of the church as he fell down onto his knees realizing that you were gone. The girl who Never treated him like anything then a boy. The boy she has known her whole life. Who once learning about everything about him. Simply asked if she kissed him could she get the ability too be super strong. The girl who use too help him practice how too control who would sneak over too play with him. Who was his first kiss. The women who idea of a fun night in is. Watching a fantasy show and be bare legged and as comfy as possible. Clark felt his soul breaking seeing you. The Girl he was going too marry.have a family with.

“Opps.”

Luther said giddy seeing Clark in so much pain. Before Clark could find the strength too move. Luther dissapeared.

Clark screamed NO. You were gone..

Weeks passed with No sighting of Luther, Bruce ended up going toot he funeral, so did Diana , and Berry who you once meeting the flash instantly wanted too bet that Clark was faster. And you and him would have in debut conversations about Harry Potter. Wonder women was close with you also. You worked in a museum , and she would telly you stories a bout the greek gods. And the Amazon women. Cyborg was amazed a girl of this time. Couldn’t figure out how too do anything technical. You were as clueless as a 80 year old man trying too make a call on a smart phone.

Arther arrived toot he funeral with the others as he stood up too talk.the funeral was beauitful, and the wake was Sad. Clark’s Mom invited all the justice league too her house. Where Clark was staying since Luther has been MIA.

“when I first met that feisty women. She asked if I could really talk too whales and asked what they liked talking about. Then she told me I this insane theory of whales being fictional. Apparently that girl lived on the coast for two years. And Never saw a whale.Clark took her too my dads lighthouse and I got a few too pop up too show them off. I never seen a happier person in my life. She acted like a kid on Christmas Day .she was- something special.”

They all chuckled as Clark was silent holding his hands tightly as Diana stood up. “When I first met Y/N. she was covered head too toe in dirt and Mud. She was playing football with Clark.- She looked like the happiest girl in the world. I knew excatly at that moment she was madly in love. I remember looking like that at Steve. She asked me too help scare Clark it was- apparently her mission in life too scare him Once.-“ Diana went quite Seeing Clark was stiff. She knew excatly how he felt. Hallow inside with going thru the motion.

Bruce was about too speak when the front door opened. Seeing Y/N covered in dirt. You stood in the front entrance covered in dirt wearing the dress you were buried in. You coughed loudly as Clark Rushed over too you griping your face tightly, “how- How is this possible?”

“what the hell happened?”

Everyone looked at each other stunned as Diana heard a fast beating sound.

“Y/N? Is that you?” Clark was crying too hard too hear anything as Diana stepped over as she kneeled down pressing her ear too your stomach.

“it’s a heartbeat.”

“WHAT?” Gasping loudly as Clark was too stunned too take any of that information in. But your ears were working. “Shut up no it’s not! I- I was. In the church wasn’t I when that bastered- how- I woke up in the graveyard what the fuck! Is going on?!”

“how did you get out of the grave.. you were just Barried this morning.”

Rolling your shoulders you shook your head, “I woke up up above ground.. I wans’t- you buried me? What the Hell why!” You hit Clark as he gripped your face tightly as he spoke, “you scared the Shit outta me! How- I don’t understand you were died.”

You rolled your shoulders, “Don’t look at me! The last thing I remember was being in the church.. what- what happened?”

“you died..But I think your baby protected you.”

That’s when Clarks ears started working as he turned too wonderwomen. “Excuse me? Baby?”

“Oh Boy..’

[endof-theline]

Day 1 - Early Tropetember: Strangers To Lovers

Okay so I got super excited about Tropetember and forgot how months work, but I already started it sooo here we go! 

Also I’ve not written anything serious in 2 years so please forgive me if it’s a bit rough, hyperfixations are a bitch!

On Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32301262

"I can't stand this anymore" Clint groaned as he watched Tony stare at Steve's back while he was cooking breakfast for the team "They have been doing this shit for months"

'This shit' was Steve and Tony tiptoeing around each other constantly since the New York battle that brought them together, the pair barely spoke to each other but were always looking at each other like they hung the stars. At first it was funny and the other Avengers all took bets when they would start dating, but pretty quickly it turned to almost annoying when the pair outlasted the bets and were still almost strangers despite seeming head over heels for each other.

"It's not like we can force them together, Clint" Bruce hissed through his teeth, worried about Tony hearing them even though Tony had tuned everyone out except for Steve's soft humming.

"I mean-" Clint went to suggest but cut himself off when Steve turned around with two plates in his hands, giving the first to Tony before handing the others theirs "Thanks Cap, looks great!"

A chorus of thank yous went around the table as Steve grinned before chuckling "It's no problem, it's nice to relearn this stuff, food tastes better now" 

Despite coming from a time where most food was boiled to hell and back, Steve was becoming a good cook and he tried to cook at least once per day if not twice when it was possible for him to do it. Without knowing it, Steve cooking was the only thing that kept Tony from starving in his workshop since as soon as Tony found out Steve cooks for the team he had been coming up for any meals that Steve had made. 

Natasha tried not to notice as Steve's eyes constantly flicked to Tony as they were eating, always making sure that the resident genius was enjoying the food he cooked, but failed as she held back a sigh and the temptation to knock their heads together.

"So Cap, now that we aren't in any immediate danger, do you think you'll start trying to date around?" Clint asked with a grin, Bruce just shut his eyes with a frown while Natasha, not for the first time, wondered how Clint ever became a spy.

Steve stammered for a second, eyes darting to Tony before darting away when he saw Tony staring at him "C-Can't say that I've thought about it, I-I mean it's not like I need to. I'm not as lonely living here, and I don't think I'd want to date a civilian or anyone from SHIELD either" Steve was completely red in the face as he rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes down awkwardly before looking back up to his team with a nervous smile.

"I get SHIELD, but why not civilian?" Clint asked curiously and smiled innocently when Steve gave him a weird look, Steve cocked an eyebrow but when nothing came of it he sighed.

"Well, for one it would be difficult to explain my job" He laughed as the others all chuckled in agreement "And I don't know, I worry that if it's someone that's not, y'know, like us I might hurt them by accident. I mean, I'm not sure how aware I am of my strength and I wouldn't want to do something to someone who could really get hurt. I patted Tony's shoulder in the suit and almost pushed him over the other week!"

"You didn't hurt me though" Tony piped up for the first time this morning, he was usually pretty quiet in the mornings until he had really woken up but since Steve started making breakfast Tony would stay silent and stare instead.

"But I could have, if you were out the suit then I could really hurt you" Steve stressed as Tony sat up straight and looked the other dead in the eyes.

"Since I'm the closest to a civilian that we've got, I'm excluding Bruce because of the other guy, why don't you practice with me? Just like friendly gestures and stuff so I can tell you if you need to be more careful" Tony suggested as the room went silent, Tony held his chin up slightly even as the tips of his ears started tinting pink "That why you can date a civilian without worrying"

"Y-Yeah alright then" Steve sounded almost a little breathless as he agreed, Tony just gave him a firm nod before loading his empty plate into the dishwasher and leaving the room. Steve, who had been staring fondly at Tony the whole time, shook his head a little and went back to his breakfast as the other three stared at each other in shock at how clueless they both were. 

“Why don’t you practice with me?” Clint mocked in a whiny tone, that was apparently meant to be Tony’s voice, as he let himself into Tony’s workshop and flopped down onto the sofa that was usually Tony’s nap couch “Come on, Tony”

“Shut up, Clint” Tony muttered despite his face going red and his blush only got worse when Clint started to laugh at him “I just want to help, Steve should be able to date anyone he wants to”

“Like you?” Clint teased and got up when Tony’s shoulders hunched slightly “You know I’m only joking, Tony, besides the whole team knows that you have a crush on our fearless leader but he’s oblivious because of the huge crush he has on you”

“Don’t. Don’t say that” Tony’s voice was hard as Clint could see himself building up his walls, Clint put his hand on Tony’s and gently pushed it so he would let go of the screwdriver he was holding with a steel grip “Clint-”

“Nope, you don’t get to block me out and be all sad down here” Clint refused to let the genius talk, Tony getting frustrated easily as Clint kept interrupting him everytime he went to speak because the archer knew it was going to be self-deprecating. Tony sighed in defeat as he let go of the screwdriver and sat back in his chair, eyes going up to Clint that held so much uncertainty there that Clint immediately laced their fingers together and squeezed his hand “I wouldn’t get your hopes up like that for a joke, I’m an asshole but I’m not cruel”

“You’re not an asshole” Tony murmured as he squeezed Clint’s hand back and smiled up to him softly, his eyes drifted away nervously before flicking back to Clint’s face “I want to see if this practice thing works, if it doesn’t maybe I’ll talk to him”

“I can agree to that, just remember that boys show their affection by hitting and pulling pigtails” Clint teased and yelped when Tony took a swing at him, his hand going to his chest with a smile on his face “Aw Tones, I didn’t know you felt like that” Clint cooed at him before screaming as Tony threw the screwdriver at him, running out of the workshop before more things could be hurled his way.

Tony flopped back into his chair and rubbed his hands over his face with a groan, smudging oil and grease everywhere. Pepper was right, of course she was, Pepper was always right. Tony was hopeless when he actually liked someone and didn’t just want to take them to bed, he always got the same way of heart eyes and stupid smiles and getting shy about it.

When he was trying to flirt with Pepper, it had been the same way and it was just lucky that Pepper knew him so well to understand why his attitude changed around her. Steve was practically a stranger living in his home, the second Tony had seen him fighting with Loki in Germany he had to focus on anything else than the way Steve matched his height in the suit.

“Fuck” Tony groaned out into the empty room, feeling his heart race as he thought about Steve even being close to him let alone putting a hand on him. Out of the suit, Tony was shorter than average and you wouldn’t even be able to tell unless you caught him without shoes, which was rare, since he had lifts in all of his shoes. Steve would tower over him and just the thought of Tony having to go up onto his tiptoes as Steve had to lean down to meet each other's eyeline was enough to make him blush.

Oh he was so screwed, though little did Tony know that Natasha and Steve were having a very similar talk in the kitchen. Steve’s face a matching shade of pink to Tony’s and a rather smug look on Natasha’s face that probably would have matched Clint’s if Tony had chased him out.

The next week was torture for everyone that had to witness it. Steve had taken the excuse of practice and run a marathon with it, he was using every opportunity to touch Tony in some way which, naturally, just made Tony smile as the butterflies in his chest doubled. The rest of the team could only despair as they watched the pair falling for each other harder and harder everyday, they were close to locking them in the gym and not letting them out until they kissed.

Which, being the one brain-celled team that they were, happened at the end of week two. Tony had almost swallowed his tongue when Steve had patted his shoulder, his hand slipping a little closer to his neck and gently squeezing before walking away. It was past cute and getting past plain stupid as the pair danced around each other. So they did what any normal friends would do and locked them in the gym together, telling JARVIS to keep the door locked until they had talked it out.

“Natasha!” Steve shouted as he pounded on the door again, Tony just sat on the bench with his head in his hands “Natasha!”

“Stop Steve, they’re not gonna open it until we talk” Tony sighed and looked over when the bench dipped beside him, Steve flopping down next to him with a huff and scrubbing his face with his hands. He pulled his hands away and scrunched his nose up in disgust before grabbing the hem of his shirt and using it to wipe at his face, getting rid of the slight sheen of sweat from his workout that he had been in the middle of when Tony had been pushed into the gym.

Tony’s face went bright red as he caught himself staring at Steve’s abs, his eyes darting to Steve’s face to make sure he hadn’t been caught by the other man who had shut his eyes as he dropped his shirt.

“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable, Tony” Steve said as he frowned up at the ceiling, eyes still closed so he couldn’t see Tony’s own frown and confused look “I know I shouldn’t have kept doing it when I realised you were uncomfortable, but-”

“What are you talking about?” Tony interrupted and Steve looked over so that they were just frowning at each other, Steve shifted to sit up properly and now that they were sitting next to each other it was clear to see their height difference without Tony’s lifts.

“The ‘practicing’” Steve said with air quotes that made Tony’s lip twitch into a small smile “You always go red and avoid looking at me, you’re obviously uncomfortable with me touching you even if I’m not hurting you”

“Okay that is completely wrong to start off with” Tony held up his hand before Steve could make himself feel even worse because it was pretty clear by his face and what he said that Steve was feeling pretty guilty about something that the blonde had made up “You definitely don’t make me uncomfortable and you also haven’t hurt me before you start worrying about that too”

“Then why do you always look awkward when I’m around, you go all quiet whenever I walk into the room?” Steve asked, still sounding insecure about the answer as his shoulders hunched over a little. Sat like this, Tony could picture Steve before the serum as girls blatantly regretted him like Howard had told him had happened in a drunken drawl on a night where his father was sad instead of angry.

“It’s, uh, really the opposite situation actually. You, uh, I mean-” Tony stammered for a moment before letting out the breath he was accidentally holding “I may have a small, well not really small, crush on you. I, um, I really like you Steve”

Tony kept his head down as the blush burned his face, his ears going red as he stared at his lap nervously, he startled when his chin was tilted up gently with the back of Steve’s hand under his chin so that he was looking up to Steve’s soft, almost fond, smile.

“You don’t know how happy I am to hear that” Steve whispered into the space between them, he bent down and gently rested his forehead against Tony’s with a smile that almost looked like it hurt “I really like you too, have done for a long time”

Tony smiled bashfully, his eyes darting away before going back up to Steve’s face, only to see that it was somehow a fonder look in his eyes and a knowing smile as he realised why Tony acted the way he did “Pepper says I’m hopeless when I like people, says that I change completely”

“Pepper’s right, but it’s nice, it’s like I get to see a side of you that no one else gets to see” Steve hummed softly which just made Tony blush harder as Steve cupped Tony’s cheek with a question in his eyes, Tony nodded against his forehead with a soft gasp “You sure, ‘cause I don’t think I want to let you go?”

“M’sure, I don’t want you to let go” Tony whispered, still feeling breathless as he stared up into Steve’s crystal blue eyes. Tony’s hand shot out to hold Steve’s wrist when the latter pressed a kiss to his lips, soft and careful and amazing, Tony couldn’t help the soft noise that escaped him as he leaned into the kiss and deepened it like he was dying. It had been a long time since anyone had kissed Tony with such care and fondness, used to the fast, hungry kisses from hookups and harsh touches compared to Steve’s soft hands cradling his face.

Outside the room, the rest of the team were celebrating despite the fact that they knew the pair were going to be disgustingly cute and fluffy with each other all the time, but at least now there wasn’t the sadness and pining going along with it. JARVIS unlocked the door silently and sent an automatic message to Pepper in their own celebration, it was something Pepper and Tony had set up after drinking far too much wine while Tony had been moping around about Steve and had thought today would never happen. 

Today was a day to celebrate, even if tomorrow most of the team would regret it with how overly fluffy the pair were together, today was a long time coming and, hopefully, the two would stand the test of time to come.

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Sick Little Games: Eleven

In the commons, a movie was playing. But no one was watching it, not really. Without you and without Clint, Movie night isn’t the same. 

It’s too quiet. There aren’t enough jokes. Or enough people that have seen Mystery Science Theater to appreciate riffing on movies and how to do it right. Even Lucky, who would be begging for pets and pizza, is down. He misses Clint. And you. 

“Has anyone heard from Barton?” Steve asked, stroking the dog's ears. 

Tony shakes his head, “I called, but he was really non-specific about what was going on... All he did say is that Y/N is okay and that he’s trying to get her to come home.”

Steve nods and stretches, “I wonder if he’s had any luck.”

Thor growls softly when Bucky rolls his eyes. It’s a subvocal sound that Bruce feels more than hears and puts a hand on his arm. 

“I hope so,” Nat said, “That last mission with Strange was a nightmare.”

“Indeed,” Thor agreed, “Our witchling is much more agreeable... And powerful. When she recognizes how strong she is.”

Natasha nodded, but before she had a chance to reply, Lucky’s ears had perked up, and he bolted out of the room. A furry bullet on a mission.

“Where-” Steve started, but a series of happy barks and Clint laughing put the rest of them on their feet. By the time they made it into the hall, Lucky had effectively tackled you to the ground and was licking your face like he’d not seen you for months instead of a few weeks. “Lucky, ya moose,” you giggle, “Help!”

Lucky, ya goofball,” Clint said, pulling him off and patting his side, “At least pretend you have manners.

But then, before there was anything else, you’re pulled into hugs and fussing before you can do much more than take a breath. You accept hugs, but stay quiet about where you went. Or why. And Clint, as much as he’d like to grab Bucky and choke the life out of him for using you that way, follows your lead. You’d talked a lot. Making a strategy for how to handle this. You had talked. And talked. And talked. Tangential and scattered. Panicked. Clint had almost turned around and taken you back to your little house. But, on the flight, you’d calmed down a little at a time. And now, your hand found his as you pointedly ignored Bucky. A detail that, in all the chaos, Clint knew most people were going to overlook. 

Everyone but Thor and Bruce looked at your joined hands in amusement. They assumed that Clint had finally made a move to coax you into coming back. And you and Clint had agreed to let them think that. You had a plan. Even if Clint didn’t like it. He understood it. 

Bucky had wanted to hurt you. He’d twisted and lied and manipulated so well, he’d succeeded. But, like with most toxic relationships. It was a battlefield. And Bucky had only won a battle. You were going to win the war. And you were going to win by refusing to fight. By blatantly ignoring that he existed and by living your life. 

You just... refuse to play the game. And Clint. Well. Clint was gonna do whatever you decided. He knew, probably better than anyone why you wanted it to be this way. You were still in survival mode. Like you always would be. And he knew that because that’s what he was doing. He wanted to protect you. He wanted to fight Bucky. Even if he knew it would only make it worse for you. So he took a deep breath and pulled you a little closer. He could do this. He could do this for you because you deserved to heal. You deserved to be happy. Like you were right now. 

Even if he could feel Bucky quietly seething every time you leaned into him. Clint refused to stop touching you. He refused to undo all the work he’d put in to get you back here.

___________

Things settle down slowly. And Clint gets more comfortable. There’s an easy rhythm to working you into his day. Casual touches. Jokes. Cups of coffee. The pace of this relationship is, by design, slow. 

Achingly slow to the rest of the team. But, Clint gets it. You don’t want him to be a rebound, and he doesn’t want to push you. You had a lot. A lot of complicated feelings around intimacy and, well. No wonder. Before you’d been on your own, there’d been the puritanical idea of being “pure.” After that, it had faded to the concept of someone you loved. That loved you. But it was still there. The need for that to be a moment. Something you only shared with one person. and Bucky had taken it. Taken that moment from you. Like a greedy kid snatching a cookie. Clint didn’t have those hang-ups. But, he could respect your consideration for him. That you didn’t want to use him as a rebound. 

He’d reassured you that it was fine. That he could do “slow” even if “slow” had never been his forte.

“Barton!” Steve barked, “Stop staring at your girlfriend and pay attention.”

Clint rolled his eyes. He wasn’t even looking at you. He was looking at Bucky, who was looking at you. Bucky was looking at you like he was planning while you and Natasha did some Yoga and had a gossip. It made him want to rip his fucking arm off and beat him with it.

“Seriously, dude,” Sam said, “Just have sex already. This middle school bullshit is cute but-”

Clint holds up a hand, “Hey Sam,” he says, “When I want you to tell me what to do with my dick, I’ll marry you.”

“I’m just-”

“No,” Clint said bluntly, “If you’re not feeding me, fucking me, or financing me, stay out of it.”

Thor makes a soft approving sound and claps Clint on the shoulder, “Well said,” he praised. He was gratified to know that Barton had good intentions. Of course. He’d known that, but it was good to see in action. 

_________

Natasha sat up slowly and stretched, “I still don’t understand why you left.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” you answer.

“I don’t understand that, either.”

“Look,” you say, rubbing your neck, “It isn’t important.”

“But it’s important enough that Clint gets to know,” she said, hurt.

You take a deep breath and exhale slowly, “I was going through some shit, okay?” you tell her, “I was in a pretty bad spot, and I don’t want to keep going back over it. It's over. It’s done. I just wanna put it to bed and move on.”

Natasha frowns, “But-”

“I’m fine,” you say, gentling your tone, “I promise. I just... I needed some distance. It gave me the perspective I needed. I needed a plan. And now I have it.”

“And Clint,” Natasha teased.

“And Clint,” you agree, smiling a little.

“How is he?”

You raise an eyebrow, and she smirks, “Does he giggle?”

“I wouldn’t know,” you say primly.

“How-”

You sigh, “Tasha,” you answer, “you know why.”

“But you like him.”

“I do,” you agree.

“So-”

“So, we’re moving at the pace we want to move at,” you say firmly, “And that’s that.”

The Spy smiled a little, “I can’t believe you told Clint and not me,” she pouted, teasing you just a little. 

You sigh, “It was just. It was a lot Tasha. I don’t know how to explain it. I just didn’t want to cause and issue. And then Clint showed up and he gave me those big puppy dog eyes and was like ‘I just miss my friend’ and he fucking... He’s Clint.”

“He’s Clint,” she agreed nodding. He’d done the same thing to her on several occasions. It was hard to be indifferent to those big baby blues and his crooked smile. Especially not when it was genuine and not bravado. When it was bravado it gave him a very punchable face. “But are you really dating?” she asked. Natasha knew you had weird hangups with sex and relationships. That you wanted the whole nine yards. The Hallmark movie treatment with all the cute little romantic things. That you wanted a house with Ivy and a white picket fence... where you stood on kids depended on the day. But you still wanted a partner. Someone to have your back. Someone who would bring you flowers sometimes. 

“Yeah,” You say, catching Clint’s eye and smiling a little when Natasha takes your arm and you start walking towards the locker room. Clint winks at you and Natasha snorts as he walks smack into the nearest column trying to watch you walk away. 

In the showers, you and Natasha chat while washing off the workout nastiness. You chat about frozen yogurt. About where you want to go shopping in the city. You gush about makeup palates and discuss the virtues of various restaurant’s miso soup. It’s mundane. Comfortable. Like you’re picking up where you left off. Natasha is comforted, somewhat. That it wasn’t personal. That you hadn’t not talked to her for any specific reason. That her friends were happy. And like always, Natasha gets done long before you do. Teasing you about cutting your hair to be done faster. 

When she sees Bucky in the hallway, scrolling through his phone she doesn’t think anything of it. Steve has a thing about Phones on the training room floor. What does alarm her? A lot. Is an almighty crash and Bucky being thrown backward. Out of the hallway and sliding across the mats. Only to have you leap. Actually leap and land on his chest, staff in hand with a snarl. 

Thor is the closest and gets there first, though he doesn’t move to pull you off of him. Clint isn’t far behind him. He doesn't move to help Bucky either. But there are close enough to hear you growling at him. Using your staff to hold his arms down. And a considerable amount of magic to keep him there even as he’s struggling to get his vibranium arm free. 

“Fuck you,” is all Steve can hear you snarl, “You come near me like that again. You LOOK at me and I don’t fucking want you to and I will tear you apart.”

“Y/N,” he says, his tone firm, “Let him up, he can’t breathe.”

You growl at Steve too, eyes silver and luminous, and that’s when Clint steps forward to try and get you out of kill mode. Bucky is turning a frankly alarming shade of red. And Clint is willing to bet you don’t actually want Bucky dead. You just want him to be scared. Scared enough not to touch you. So Clint kneels where you can turn your head and see him, “Baby,” he says quietly, “Let him up. You made your point, okay? C’mon. Come with me. I know you. This has been on a slow simmer for a while. But come with me. Just get off of him.”

He keeps his voice soft. Coaxing gently. Like he did to get Lucky out from behind his dumpster. Because what people didn’t know was HYDRA/SHIELD didn’t manage to make you a supersoldier. You weren’t. What they did, to make you faster and stronger was infect you with a specific kind of Lycanthropy. That your Witches’ Powers neutralized the need to turn but didn’t do much to temper the fury. Bucky was starting to get a little purple by the time Clint managed to talk you off of him. You get off of him slowly, coming back into yourself and looking distressed and Clint pulls you against his side. 

“You touch her again and I’ll let her tear your throat out,” Clint warns, grateful when Thor takes your other side. Thor can grab hold of you if you need held back. Clint can’t. He also won’t. He’ll just let you fucking kill him. 

______________

“Bucky,” Steve said softly, “What the fuck did you do?”

Bucky coughs and gasps for breath, letting Steve help him up, “Nothing,” he says, “I was just standing there.”

Steve’s eyes narrow, “You know that’s bullshit.”

Bucky hacks for a second, “She just jumped me.”

“She said,” Steve said levelly, “That you touched her. And ever since she got back you’ve been an asshole. Again.”

Steve folds his arms and his eyes narrowed and Natasha looked towards the door Clint had just walked you out of. A moment of comprehension dawning, “You’re the reason she left!” Natasha blurted out.

Bucky half-turned, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Natasha’s eyes narrowed, “What the fuck did you do to her?”

“She attacked me!” Bucky protested. 

“And we wanna know what you did to deserve it,” Steve said, getting angry, “She doesn’t do shit like that for fun, Bucky. She hates it. It makes her feel like a monster... So what did you do to make her feel like that was her only option?”

Tags:

@lancsnerd, @thorfanficwriter @blameitonthecauseway @etherealwaifgoddess, @stevieang, @beautybyfire, @sunmoonandbucky @mrsfox79, @bbmommy0902, @mendes-fan, @iheartsebastianstan, @wtfcas @pinknerdpanda, @process-pending, @ladifreakingda, @leasly, @coldbookworm, @hv-chw3, @past-perfect-future-tense, @starkrobb @beardburnsupersoldiers, @petlaufeyson, @queenoftheunderdark, @potatoheadthewise, @thehyperactiveteen, @thefridgeismybestie, @boyett514, @an-awkward-human-1, @sunshine-and-riverwater

[avengerscompound]

She Sets the City on Fire - One Summer’s Night

She Sets the City on Fire: A Bruce Banner Fanfic

MASTERLIST PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Square: @brucebannerbingo​ - U4 Pining

Rating:  E

Warning:  Age Gap, Self Doubt, Recreational drug use, Smut (M|F  vaginal fingering vaginal sex, squirting, sex while under the influence of drugs)

Word Count:  5234

Pairing:  Bruce Banner x OFC (Summer)

Summary:  Bruce is drawn to Summer.  She’s everything he wished he could be.  Carefree, exciting, and she knows exactly who she is.  There are so many reasons a relationship with her wouldn’t work.  So why can’t he stop thinking about her?

A/N: On the first chapter

2. One Summer’s Night

Bruce didn’t call Summer.

She was too young.  This was a one-time thing.  A guy like him couldn’t be with a woman like her.  He wasn’t sure there was a person on the planet that could tie Summer Martin, but he was fairly certain that if there was it wouldn’t be an over-the-hill scientist with a rather serious rage issue.

Although…

Maybe there could be something.  Starting with sex wasn’t a good sign though.  Especially for him.  He’d never done anything like that before.

Besides he didn’t have her number anyway.  So it wasn’t as if he could call her.

He did have Aidan’s email address though.  He could email him and ask for it.

But it wasn’t like Bruce was a hard man to track down these days.  People knew where he lived.  His email address was on five different official websites.  If she wanted to see him, she could have contacted him.  She probably didn’t want to start anything with him.  And who could blame her?

If only he could stop thinking about her.

“You’re thinking about her again.”  Tony teased as Bruce had been staring off into space again.

Bruce shook his head and looked over at his friend.  “Sorry.  Sorry.”

“She really got you good.  I haven’t seen you this smitten.  Ever.”  Tony said.  “Why don’t you call her?”

Bruce shook his head again and tapped the screwdriver he was holding on his hand.  “I can’t. Tony.  I’m old enough to be her father.  That’s not an exaggeration either.  If I had a child her age, no one would even think I’d had them young.”

Tony snorted.   “Wow.   Of all the men in the world to start fishing for jailbait, I never expected you to be one…”

“See … which is exactly why I need to leave her alone.  Even if… even if she was interested in me like that, I can’t do that to her.  I can’t condemn a person to a life with me.  Especially when theirs is still laid out in front of them.”

Tony came over and put his hand on Bruce’s shoulder.  “I have never seen you like this.  I mean…. When was the last time you even got laid?”

“Before the accident,”  Bruce said.

“Maybe she’s just what you need.  Someone casual who won’t be tied down and doesn’t get caught up in the details.  Call her.  Let her decide what she wants to do with her life.”  Tony said.

Bruce frowned and thought about it for a little while.  He decided he’d send an email to Aidan.  If Aidan ignored it, then that was fate telling him it was a bad idea.  He didn’t say what he wanted to ask about, just that he wanted to talk.

It was ten minutes later when his phone rang.

“Hello, Doctor Banner, why do I get the feeling that you’re not calling me about my research?”  Aidan said.

“I’m sorry,” Bruce said.  “Not that I’m not interested in it…”

Aidan laughed.  “It’s fine.  I’ve seen how Summer draws people in.”

“Do you think she might … would she be interested in…”  Bruce said, not sure how to even ask the question.

“Yeah, I do.  And you should call her.  I saw her reading one of your books the other day.  I don’t think that’s because she has a sudden interest in Nuclear Physics.”  Aidan explained.

“Don’t you think… aren’t I maybe… a little unsuited for her?”  Bruce asked.

There was an exhale of breath on the other end of the line before Aidan spoke again.  “It’s not for me to say who either of you sees,” he said.  “Summer is low commitment and low maintenance.   And she is a lot younger than you.  Whether that makes it a bad match isn’t for me to decide.  But can I tell you a story?”

“Yes,” Bruce said, as his stomach began to turn itself in knots.

“I didn’t grow up with Summer.  Part of that is the fact I’m eleven years older than her.  And part of it is because I was raised by my mom and my dad barely had anything to do with me.”

“Yes,”  Bruce said.  “Summer told me.  I’m sorry that happened.  I know what it’s like to have a negligent father.”

“Shit happens,” Aidan replied.  “When I finished school, my dad paid for me to go to college and gave me a job.  I didn’t even have to try to do anything.  It was all being handed to me but with the condition that I didn’t embarrass him.  So I went a little wild.  I started partying.  I got into some pretty heavy drug use.”

The story was a familiar one.  Tony had done a similar thing thanks to neglect from his father.  He’d also pulled himself around so Bruce knew not to hold that kind of thing against anyone.

“When I found out Summer had moved into the city for college I tracked her down,” Aidan continued.  “She was so excited to spend time with me.  I was a complete mess, but she followed me around.  She came over on weekends and she’d make me breakfast.  She’d follow me out clubbing.  One night she came to a really skeevy party with me.  Fuck, I regret taking her to that.  Except I don’t, because I ODed.  She found me unconscious with a needle in my arm.  Called an ambulance.  Called our dad.  Demanded that he send me to rehab.  Convinced him to buy that building under the pretense of us living together so she could keep an eye on me.”

“She told me your dad forced her to live with you,” Bruce said.

“She says that so it looks like our dad loves me.  I’m sure he does, but not like he loves her.  I don’t blame him though.  She’s the best of us.  I’d be dead now if it wasn’t for her.  She turned my life around.  I have my Ph.D. and my job because of her.  I’m clean because of her.  She’s worth having in your life even if all you get from her is a weird friend.  So call her.  You have my blessing.”

Bruce took down her number and then stared at it willing himself to call.  If Aidan was right, maybe that’s what she could be.  A friend.  Someone to help get him out of his head.  She did seem to have that effect on him.

He dialed the number and held the phone to his ear.  It rang three times before Summer picked up.

“Who hasn’t heard of texting?”  She said in way of introduction.

Bruce’s heart began to race and he felt the Hulk raise his head.  “Hello.  Yes.  Sorry.  It’s Bruce.”  He stammered.

“Who?”  She asked.

He swallowed thickly and tried to calm himself.  This had obviously been a mistake.  She thought of him so little that she didn’t even recognize who it was calling.  “Bruce Banner.”

There was laughter on the other end of the line.  “I just got you to say your full name.  It’s nice to hear from you, Bruce Banner.”

Bruce felt a large part of him relax and Hulk seemed to settle back into a doze.  “It’s nice to hear you too.”

“Aww, that’s always nice.”  She said.  “What are you doing tonight?”

“Something with you?” He said and cursed himself as soon as the words left his mouth.

Summer burst out laughing and a deep flush crept into Bruce’s cheeks.  “That was so smooth.  I bet you’re drowning in pussy,” she teased playfully.  “Anyway, Romeo.  There’s a rave on in Hell’s Kitchen tonight.  I’m going with some friends.  Wanna come?”

Bruce agreed before he even registered what he was agreeing to.  When he hung up the phone, he immediately started to freak out.  A rave?   He’d just agreed to go to a rave.  The guy with the huge green rage monster hiding inside him agreed to be pressed up in the dark with a bunch of sweaty strangers listening to music that grated on his nerves.  Not to mention that a rave was the worst place for a first date ever.  How could he even talk to her at a place like that?

As the hour approached, he got ready to go out.  He put on a dark purple button-up shirt but left it unbuttoned at the collar and put on a suit jacket.  He knew he wasn’t going to fit in but he didn’t think there was any way that he was going to be able to regardless of what he wore.

He had a car take him to the club and when he got out he scanned the crowd for Summer.  There were a few groups milling around the front and a line forming at the door, but he couldn’t see any sign of her.  He thought he’d go get in line with the people who were not only 20 years younger than him, but dressed completely differently, just to save a spot when there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to see Summer, only she was barely recognizable to him.  She was wearing knee-high faux fur boots in hot pink and black and a matching latex outfit that consisted of what looked like just a bra and panties.  There were pink fur cuffs on her wrists and she was wearing a wig made of pink and black tubes and ribbons in various shades and materials.   She had appeared to accessorize with pink glow sticks.  They hung around her neck and wrapped around her arms and waist.

“Hey, Bruce!” She chirped, leaning up and pressing her lips to his.

It was one of those kisses that could be whatever you want it to be.  Her lips only barely parted and it lingered just that little longer than normal.  Bruce was so startled by seeing her in a complete cyber costume that he forgot to kiss back and she pulled away and grinned at him.

“Bruce, these are my friends; Cassie, Amanda, Liam, and Rachel.  Everyone, this is Bruce.”  Summer said indicating to her friends.  The group was all dressed in similar clothing, but various colors and levels of skin showing. Liam had color in his hair and he was wearing black flared pants and a black mesh singlet with yellow hazmat symbols on both.  Bruce felt extremely out of place, but he shook everyone’s hands and even returned Cassie’s kiss when she leaned in to kiss him.

“Cass, do you have any more glow sticks?”  Summer asked.

Cassie dug through her bag and pulled out a handful of glow sticks - the kind you’d get in tubes from the dollar store.  She and Summer then went to work cracking them and popping them together so that Bruce was wearing two circles of different lengths around his neck and one around his left wrist.

Summer took Bruce’s hand and led him to the door as the others followed behind them.  The bouncer looked Bruce over.  Bruce was sure he was about to get turned away.  Especially given how long the line now was.  Instead, the bouncer pulled the rope away and stepped out from in front of the door.

“Enjoy your night, miss Martin,” he said, holding the door open for all of them.

“How many times do I have to tell you; it’s Summer?”  She said as she passed him and headed inside.

“The bouncer knows you?”   Bruce asked, glancing back at him.  He had to yell over the sound of the club.  The loud and rhythmic thud of the bass traveled right through him and the scratch of what he could only think to call melody, though it was anything but that, drowned out almost everything else.  As they walked through the club, Summer and her friend lit up under the blacklights.  Their bare skin painted with some kind of UV paint. 

Summer stopped walking and pulled him down so her mouth was against his ear.  “I’m kind of a big deal around here.”  She said.

She led the group into another roped off area and up some stairs.  A guy who looked like he was Bruce’s age greeted her, pressing himself close to her body as he spoke with his lips hovering close to her ear.  She laughed and then continued on her path to a long, low table surrounded by beanbags and cushions.

It was a little quieter in this part of the club.  You didn’t need to yell to be heard and the music felt a little more like it was a background sound.  Bruce took a seat on one of the beanbags and Summer sat down directly in his lap.

“Who was that guy?”  Bruce asked.

“My uncle,” she said uncle with air quotes, which made Bruce think it was just a man who was friends with her parents and she’d been raised calling him that.  “He works with my dad.  Total creep.”

Bruce looked around the group.  He wasn’t sure what to do and they were all digging around in their bags.  He wasn’t sure where his hands were supposed to go either and all he could think was how much he wanted to put them on her thighs and how completely inappropriate that was.  “Did you want to dance?”  He asked.

“In a minute.”  She said, almost casually.

A waitress arrived with a tray full of bottled water and she placed it on the table and left without even waiting to see if they wanted anything else. Liam pulled a baggie of colorful pills from his pocket, took two out and swallowed them with water before tossing the baggie in the middle of the table.  The others each took one or two. When Summer went to take one too Cassie snatched the bag and shook her head.

“I’ve got yours right here, bitch,” she said, putting a little pink unicorn tablet on her tongue.  Summer leaned over to her and Bruce watched as they kissed.  They were all tongues, and Bruce shifted a little uneasily under Summer.

When Summer pulled back she looked down at Bruce.  “Do you want one?  No pressure.  I don’t care either way.”

“Do I get to take it like you did?”  Bruce asked aiming for playful, immediately cursing himself as soon as the words had left his mouth.

Summer started laughing.  She pushed her face into his chest, trying to smother it.  “Okay.  Okay.  Let me just go ask Cassie.  She does like kissing so I’m sure it won’t be a problem.”

Bruce shook his head, the flush he felt creeping into his cheeks and up the back of his neck.

Summer tilted his face up to hers.  “Let me get something out of the way, so I know for sure you aren’t agreeing to take drugs to fit in or impress me.”  She said.  Her hands went to his hair and she leaned in and kissed him.  Her tongue coaxed his lips apart and dipped briefly into his mouth and one of her hands slid down his arms, moving his hand to her thigh.  When she pulled away she looked him dead in the eyes.  He had trouble keeping eye contact with her, but he forced himself as he felt his breath hitch.  “I’m here with you, Bruce.  I plan to go home with you if that’s something you want to happen.  Unless you choose not to or something unforeseen happens, you’re getting laid tonight.  So knowing that, do you want to take some E?”

Bruce shook his head.  There was a part of him, this part that had never got a chance to shine.  The one smothered by bullies at school and then crushed by the accident that created the form of the Hulk, that wanted to be reckless.  That was relishing being with these carefree youth that had just accepted him as part of them, as much as he didn’t fit in.  He knew what ecstasy was supposed to do too.  That could make the Hulk quieten right down and he could be a version of himself he only knew the edges of.  But the risks with it were that he come out and Bruce couldn’t risk that here.

“Come on then, let’s go dance,” Summer said, getting to her feet and pulling Bruce along with her.

She led him down to the dance floor.  It was crowded and the strobe lighting played off her skin.  The UV paint she’d used on her skin glowed in the lights and made her look like fae.

They started dancing.  Nothing over the top.  It was just face-to-face with her arms around his neck and his hands on her hips.  She moved against him, bouncing and rolling her hips in time with the deep thud of the bass.  She seemed to have unlimited energy and moved with such abandon.  It was like the music just flowed through her.

He seemed to get high just on her.  He was mesmerized by her.  Drunk on her own enjoyment.  The way the light played of her skin.  The way she moved.  She was the music come to life.  She turned in his arms and began to grind her ass up against him and brought his hand to her public bone.

He nuzzled into her neck and she leaned back and kissed him.  It was wet and hot and his hands slid up to her stomach.  Her friend Cassie came and joined them, grinding into Summer.  Summer broke the kiss with Bruce and leaned in and started kissing Cassie.  When they broke apart, Cassie leaned over Summer’s shoulder and captured Bruce’s lips.

“I need a drink,” Summer said, squeezing out from between the two of them.  Bruce pulled away from Cassie and followed after Summer.  Cassie appeared completely unphased, simply turning to the closest person and continuing to dance.

The table they had staked out earlier was still free.  In fact, their bags were just sitting underneath, undisturbed.  Summer collapsed down in a bean bag and grabbed a bottle of water as Bruce sat carefully next to her.  He took his own bottle and drank it quickly.

“Are you having fun, Brucie?”  Summer asked shifting so her legs were draped over his lap.

“I think so.  Yes.”  He said, running his fingers through the fur on her boots.

“Those feel nice don’t they?”  She said leaning forward and running her hands over his cheeks.  “This is all scratchy.  I wonder what it feels like on my thighs.”

Bruce looked from her blue eyes that were blown out thanks to the ecstasy coursing through her system and down to the bare skin on her thigh.  He then did something he couldn’t have ever even imagined doing before.  He lifted her leg and leaned down, rubbing his cheek on the inside of her leg.

Summer snorted and broke down into giggles.  “That tickles.”  She leaned in and rubbed her nose against his and teased her lips over his cheek.  “Do you want to dance some more?”

“I will if you want to,” Bruce said.

She trailed her fingers through his hair, making his scalp prickle.  “Do you want to go home and fuck?”

He swallowed and nodded.  “Yes.  Please.”

She grabbed her bag and got up, grabbing Bruce’s hands and helping him to his feet.  They went and found Cassie and Amanda on the dance floor and let them know she was leaving.

“Can I come too?”  Cassie asked, trailing her fingers up and down Summer’s arm.

Summer shook her head.  “Maybe next time.  I love you, Cass.”

Cassie leaned in and kissed Summer gently.  “I love you too, Summer.”

In the back of the cab, Summer linked her fingers with Bruce’s and nibbled at the skin under his ear.

“Is Cassie your girlfriend?”  Bruce asked.  He was afraid of the answer.  Summer was exotic and hard to read.  He wanted her, but he wasn’t sure how much of her he could handle.

“No,” she said simply.  “We have sex a lot.  I think if we were different people we might be girlfriends.  Mostly she’s just my friend.  She has sex with Aidan too.”

“Would you like to date?”  He asked.  “Me that is.”

Summer hummed, running her fingers up and down his thigh.  “I don’t know.  I haven’t been anyone’s girlfriend for so long.  I don’t know if I’d make a very good one.  Last time I did it, I felt like I lost a little bit of what makes me, me.  There’s a song I heard once…”  Summer licked her lips and started singing.  “A triangle trying to squeeze in a circle.  He tried to cut me so I fit.”

“I don’t want to change you, Summer,” Bruce said.

“You know what I’d like to find?”  She said.  “I’d like to find a person who met me and loved me just exactly how I am, even though I don’t want to be tied down.  They’d love me so much that they would be happy to let me float about and do the things I like to do and they’d trust that I loved them too and I’d always find my way back to them.  But because I loved them and they trusted me, I didn’t feel like I wanted to do those things anymore.”

“You want someone who doesn’t change you, but inspires you to change yourself?”  Bruce asked.  “But then what if the person you changed into wasn’t the one they loved anymore?”

Summer shook her head and for a moment she looked really sad.  “That’s a huge problem, isn’t it?”

“I really like you, Summer.  I can’t stop thinking about you,” Bruce said.

“I’m here now.  Let’s just see what happens in the future when we reach it.”

The cab pulled up out the front of the Avengers Tower and Bruce paid and let Summer in. She looked around in the empty lobby at all the official signage and in the elevator, she wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled into his neck.  As soon as he let her into his apartment she began to work the falls in her hair out which he realized now were more like hair accessories than a wig.

“Do you want anything to drink?”  Bruce asked.

Summer looked up at him with a handful of ribbons.  “If you have something like Gatorade I will love you forever.  Otherwise, water is just fine.”

“I don’t but if you give me a minute I can get some,” Bruce said.  “What color do you want?”

“Ooh, blue, please!”  Summer chirped.

Bruce headed up to the labs and helped himself to a blue Gatorade from the drinks fridge.  When he got back to his apartment, Summer was sitting on his bed.  The falls were all gone from her hair and she’d taken off her boots.  She took the drink from him and she drank half the bottle in one go.  She poked out her tongue at him as she screwed the lid back on.

He chuckled.  “Yes, it’s blue.”

“Like one of those lizards,” She said putting her drink on the bedside table.  She took Bruce’s and pulled him closer to the bed. “Would you like to see if you can get me to do my little trick?”

“What’s your little trick?”  Bruce asked.

“Go get some towels.”  She said.  “This can get a little messy.”

Bruce looked at her confused but did as he was told.  He collected some towels from his linen cupboard and brought them back to his bedroom.  When he returned Summer was standing by the bed completely naked.  He couldn’t quite get over how perfect she was.  Even the little imperfections she had.  The stretch marks on her hips, the scar on the top of her left thigh, the small amount of cellulite she had, all those little things that everyone has just made her more perfect to him because it meant she was a real person despite how she might otherwise come across.

She motioned to him to come close and he approached her slowly, starting to get a little nervous again.  She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed her cheek against his before kissing him on the corner of the mouth.

“I still have my clothes on and you’re completely naked,” Bruce said.

Summer laughed.  “Something does seem remiss.  Let me help.”

She began to slowly and carefully undress him.  Hanging his jacket over the back of a chair.  Unbuttoning his shirt slowly and kissing a trail down his chest as she did.  She helped him off with his shoes and then his pants and when he was finally naked he was so hard, his cock felt like it was throbbing.

She took his hand and guided him back on the bed.  He ran his cheek up the inside of her thighs and she moaned and spread her legs wider for him.  “Oh god, Bruce,” she moaned, clutching at the sheets.  “Your skin feels so good on mine.”

Bruce ran his nose along Summer’s pubic mound, dipping his tongue between the folds of her labia.  He hummed as he relished the taste of her, her fluids coating his tongue.

“What did you want to show me, Summer?”  Bruce asked, looking up at her from between his legs.

Summer sat up and spread the towels, before sitting down on top of them.  “Have you ever made a girl squirt?”  She asked.

Bruce raised his eyebrows.  “I uh… maybe?”

“That’s a no.”  Summer teased, pushing him with her foot.  “Come on I’ll teach you.”

She took his hand and using her fingers she guided two of his up and down her folds.  She let his hand go and lay back, letting Bruce take his time.  He rolled them over her clit and circled her entrance a few times before pushing two of them inside of her.

“Okay,” she sighed.  “Push them right in as far as you can, and then you need to curl them towards you.”

Bruce followed her instructions, pushing his fingers into her right up to his knuckles.  He curled them inside her pressing his fingertips up against her inner walls.

A shudder passed through her and he felt her clench around his digits.  “So now, move them around a little, you’re looking for a bit that feels smooth and spongy compared to everything else.”  She said, with a slight breathlessness.

He moved his fingers inside of her until he found a spot that did feel different. Softer and with more give.  He pushed his fingertips against it.  “Here?” 

Summer moaned and raised her hips up, pushing into his hand.  “Fuck.  Yes.  That’s the spot.  Now you need to press really hard and do this.”  She made a gesture like she was beckoning him to her.

Bruce started stroking his fingers up and down along that special spot.  Summer moaned loudly and squirmed on the bed.  “Fuck.  Just a little harder, Bruce.”

He pressed down harder and the noise she made didn’t even sound human.  It was such a deep animalistic cry of such complete pleasure.  It made his erection throb painfully and his hand went to his cock without even thinking.

Bruce continued to move his fingers inside Summer.  He increased the pressure and pace as he elicited more and more incoherent noises from Summer.  He was completely entranced by her.  The way her body moved as it clenched and squirmed below him.  How her face contorted in a look of pure pleasure.  All of a sudden her whole body seized up, her cunt clenched around his fingers and as her body let go again, she came.  He’d never seen anything like it.  She gushed on him and cried out a long string of curse words he hadn’t heard outside of Tony hurting himself in the lab.

“Holy… Summer!”  Bruce gasped.  He desperately wanted to taste her again and dropped down between her legs and lapped at her soaked pussy, drinking everything he could.

Summer sat up and grabbed the Gatorade from the nightstand, drinking what was left and tangling her free hand in Bruce’s hair as she watched him eat her out.

“Brucie,” she half moaned, as Bruce’s teeth grazed over her clit.  “How about we take care of you?”

Bruce gazed up at her.  “Can we just make love?”  He asked.

She giggled and pushed his hair back from his face.  “Of course.”

“Oh,” Bruce said jumping up and going to his side table.  “I saw these and thought of you.”

He pulled out a box from the drawer and handed it to her.  She looked at it and her face lit up.  “You bought glow-in-the-dark?”  She said as she excitedly opened the box and pulled one out.  She stood up on the bed and held it up to the light.

“What are you doing?”  Bruce asked.

“You have to charge them up,” she laughed.  Bruce laughed softly with her and moved the towels off the bed.

“How long will that take?”  He said sitting beside her and kissing along her soft stomach.

She giggled and flopped back onto the bed, pressing the packet into his hand. “Go on then.”  He got up and sheathed himself and she started giggling.  “You need to turn off the light.”

He chuckled and switched the light off.  With the blinds drawn it was almost pitch black.  There were now only two sources of light.  The glow of his alarm clock and the brighter green glow of his dick.  Summer squealed with delight and clapped her hands.

Bruce chuckled and moved back to the bed, his cock bouncing as he walked.  Summer laughed harder and got up and wrapped her arms around him.  They started to kiss and Summer turned them, pushing Bruce back onto the bed and climbing into his lap.  Ever so slowly she sunk down onto his cock humming as he filled her.

“What do you think it looks like inside of me now?”  She asked as she slowly rolled her hips against Bruce and held him close.

“A spooky green cave?”  Bruce offered.

She started giggling.  It was infectious and he was soon laughing with her.  “My mysterious glowing uterus.  It’s where you need to go for healing potions.”

Bruce pushed her hair from her shoulder and rubbed his cheek on her exposed skin.  “You’re so odd, Summer.”

“You love it.”

Bruce hummed in agreement and rolled her onto her back.  They began to move as one, thrusting and rolling their hips with each other.  They kissed and nipped at each other’s skin.  Moans were made and names were murmured as they brought each other to the brink of climax.  When the came, it was together.  Clutching at each other.

Bruce slopped out of her and got up to dispose of the condom.  When he came back Summer was sitting up on the bed stretching.  He sat down next to her and leaned back against the headboard.  She snuggled into him, draping her arm over his waist.

“You’ll stay?”  It was half question, half statement and full of hope.

“Of course,” she replied.  “Will you make me breakfast?  I like when people do that.  I like doing it too when people sleepover with me.”

“Anything you want,” Bruce answered.  The answer scared him a little.  He knew it was true, but he knew right at this moment, he belonged to her.

// NEXT

[gothamstreetcat]

If you have time and want to, I’d love to see what you’d say are your creations to come from the Unofficial Batcat Fam. So, basically, ✨ + Itzel, Kayleigh, you, and Sophie’s stuff. (People changed their URLs and I’m on mobile so I’m not typing them out in fear of messing up the URLs. YOU’RE AMAZING AND CRAZY TALENTED AND SO KIND AND I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST DAYS AHEAD!)

girl don’t ask me why it took me so long to respond... i’ve been feeling nostalgic and i miss you guys a bunch. i love you all so much and i think each of you is extremely talented. i’m very blessed to be part of our little batfam

Itzel ✨ @brvceselina

desrest itzel, (i scrolled through all your edits by the way) as much as i’d like to scream again over this edit, i’d like to bring particular attention to your let selina kyle be this happy challenge (petition to make this my new header? I think so) and your because you matter to me edit. first off, i really admire how naturally stunning your gifs always look and i think it’s a real shame i feel you don’t get the credit you deserve. i mean really, your gifs look very natural and yet in so many of them selina is truly glowing. i also really admire all the fonts you use because they are really delicate looking and pretty. i wish i looked as gorgeous and happy as selina in your ‘be happy challenge’ but also i really want that sweater. maybe in black, though? the blue is so striking against selina’s smile and cheeks! i just love her. for your ‘because you matter to me’ edit i really love the quote you choose. it tears be apart because selina really does deserve those things and by god bruce is probably the only person to hold her without selfishness. i could stare at this gifset for hours and i think you really can see the relief in selina’s face and you captured it so well. this set is just so perfect in every way because bruce is all these things and more. catch me writing a fic, i dare ya.

Kayleigh 💜 @marthaskane

girl, you know i think the internet is beyond blessed to have your unique sense of style. i really like both your heroes vs villains sets. your torchwood set is to die for. this selina set is so freaking fierce you could cut the competition with that blue coloring it is gorgeous. it’s really so very hard to pick one but i think i really wanna highlight your batparents x batcat set for a minute. I think i could actually scream about this for hours if i had my mead on straight. can i just say, you mind? you really are perfect for putting this together and consistency aside, i just love it. pennyworth had to have know what they were doing to us giving us the parallel between thomas and martha--and golly there are a lot. it makes you wonder if in some small way, bruce and selina are to suffer the same fate as them. i mean, it’s gotta be some kind of fate that they’ve both been in that same position over the one they love (although, as i’m writing this stupidly i realize that i’m sure thomas getting shot is somehow to be a reflection of his and martha’s murder--but still. but, could you imagine martha being with him at the hospital and them having to pretend to be married--bickering when the doctor walks in and says they seem like an old married couple and martha is like haha, unless... i wish there was more i could say but i really think this set speaks for itself. p.s i have a lot of your old sets in my drafts so hopefully they get some good tags along the way ;) 

Sophie 💕 @clara-oswin-oswald 

sophie, you know i think all your doctor who edits are top. fucking. tier. but if i had to pick  a favorite i think it would be this purple one (it is really just so pretty). i also really love the coloring you did for this edit (it might just be my fav)--like, if i could be green with envy, that’s exactly the shade of green i’d like to be. really in love with your coloring on this set and this set. of course, your dc edits are also awesome and even if purple is not your color you really use it well! this was such a lovely color pallete as well. yeah, i miss your gifs and i just think you’re super talented 

Emily ♥️ @apple-grass-and-smiles​

you didn’t think i’d skip you did i? first off, big shout out to your fic a death by a thousands cuts would be easier because you mentioned everyone in our little batfam, so it deserves an honorable mention. also, feels like i’ve been listening to this song a lot lately so... however, the fic that really does it for me has to be shiny toy with a price. maybe i cheated a little by just looking at my tags for this one, but it really helps me know what i wanna say--AND WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS how perfect this fanfic is. I can’t help myself, can i just copy my tags here because--

#I love all the little details you have poured in the beginning talking about the flat/snacks#detail is literally what I live for #My FAVorite bit what when you described Bruce needing to realize he'd totally go off a cliff just because Selina was doing it too #which is such a good line (and I'd totally steal it if I could) simply because you talked about how Bruce needs rules and guidlines #based off of how he grew up #But Selina somehow causes him to be a little wild which he loves #he would fucking follow her anywhere and not question why #not only that. but going into your entire labeling conversation #I really think it digs deep down somewhere where Bruce only wants to show his love for Selina and Share her in some way with the world #he loves her and he's not ashamed to be with or around her on every level #and yes that scares the absolute shit out of her because no one has ever loved or seen her like Bruce #and it's funny because I think the two of them will always have this crazy idea of I'm not good enough #And I really respect Selina's 'why can't we just be us?' line because it's my favorite #also I LOVED the little details of Bruce betting Alfred's and Selina betting things Bruce has in his room #because he probably doesn't even know #and it's like. they spend christmas together and Selina panics and wraps whatever Bruce has in his room #and he opens the freaking box so happy and grateful not even realizing his father bought it for him years ago #and I love how he put her legs back over him #and how he didn't want to keep her a secret #and the 'I could be bleeding' line is so ironic considering she was bleeding right in front of him and he was the First to know #with her blood running wet and hot between his fingers but all that and it really shook him when Selina did what she did #Emily you are so talented and I hope you continue to write

so yeah... that’s my lazy contribution. but also, i wanna add how i’ve always loved that despite bruce and selina feeling like neither is good enough for the other, they are not ashamed to be together. or seen together. and i feel like it’s obvious how hard it is for bruce to fit in yet, with selina it feels like he doesn’t have to try to fit in or be someone he’s not. and i saw somewhere today how selina was telling bruce if he didn’t give her the knife “barbara would never see her as an equal” yet, with bruce she already is an equal, and she always was. 

i think i should stop myself because i really don’t want to go overboard or bother anyone or hurt their feelings. i kinda wanna skip me but if i really have a fav we all know it’s my batcat x lover well... maybe my daytime edit too and love letter

[lumikinetic]

OCs + Batfamily (ft. Rogues)

• Jake/Pyro has accelerated healing. It’s not instant like Deadpool’s or Wolverine’s, he’s gotta focus but still it’s the same thing. Anyway, because he is very brash and impulsive, he uses himself as a shield a lot. Because of this, he’s constantly shot/stabbed/impaled/dismembered. So like he’s fighting alongside the Batfam and he gets impaled and good and bad guys alike collectively shit themselves at Pyro just looking at this metal pole sticking out of his chest. And he pulls it out slowly with disgusting squishy sounds just to intimidate the bad guys. Even Batman is a little scared but Cade is just like “yah this is no big deal happens all the time.”

• Cade/Shade instantly falls in love with Harper. She’s definitely a One Night Stand kind of girl so to see her giving Harper puppy dog eyes and kisses and always having her arm around her shoulder is really unnerving but also kind of sweet and Jake is so pleased to see his sister so happy. The Initiative take bets on how long it will take Cade to get into Harper’s pants. It averages out at about 5 days.

• Ryuma/Sparks is a tech god to Tim and Barbara, what with him having inter dimensional technology. They always swap tech secrets and a month long engineering competition breaks out where they just build stuff from scrap around the cave. The devices don’t serve any purpose, it’s just to see who can build the most in the fastest time. It just gets weirder and weirder. Eventually the competition is called off because Sparks accidentally built a Mr. Meeseeks box.

• Madison/Valkyrie is just the best of best friends with Stephanie. Bruce’s kitchen turns into 100% Waffle Central, all waffles, all the time. The manor smells of waffles and syrup for MONTHS after The Initiative leave but no one minds cause ya know, it’s a nice waffle and syrup smell.

• Mike/Boulder is Damian’s favourite because the fact he can turn to solid rock and has an insanely high pain tolerance makes him a great sparring partner.

• Angela/Aera loves Alfred because fucking FINALLY someone understands what it’s like to love someone but also have to clean up their mess all the time.

• Jake and Jason get along really well. They first truly bonded when Jake heard that Jason died and he was all “OMG SO DID I” and now they call themselves the Death Friends. They’re working on a better name, don’t worry about it.

• Constant secret drinking contests between Jake, Kate and Jason. It’s not like they’re shy about how much they like alcohol based contests but Bruce disapproves. Jake wins but he cheated by using his pyrokinesis to burn the alcohol inside his body cause he knows he can’t outdrink the Batwoman. Jason maybe. They also have an ongoing drinking game:

- Do a shot every time Pyro threatens to break a criminal’s bones. - Do a shot every time Red Hood beats a criminal with the butt of his gun. - Do 2 shots every time Red Hood and Pyro discuss their deaths. - Do a shot every time Batwoman absent mindedly hums the dreidel song while fighting criminals. - Do 2 shots every time Batwoman or Pyro make LGBT jokes. - Do a shot every time one of the Batfam says that Batwoman does have a superpower and it’s an indestructible liver. - Do 4 shots every time Kate makes an LGBT sandwich (lettuce, bacon, tomato and guacamole) - Do 16 shots every time someone calls Pyro (his ringtone is Shots by LMFAO. Thankfully this doesn’t happen too much).

•Constant shooting contests between Jake and Jason and gun talk ALWAYS.

• Damian asking Jake if he met Jason before because some of his powers come from Hell and Jason going mental and Jake fucking losing it.

• As predicted, Cade and Harper are openly dating by the end of the week. Cade LOVES Harper and will show her off fucking everywhere she goes. Harper is always going “Cadey, stahp” but secretly she loves it and is bad at hiding it.

• Because Jake and Ryuma have the flashiest powers (fire and lightning respectively) they’re constantly clicking their fingers and generating small flames and bolts. They assure Bruce they have total control of their powers and the manor won’t burn down but hundreds of fire extinguishers still appeared mysteriously overnight.

• Angela refuses to even think about arresting Poison Ivy. She’s her green nature friend and just to prove her point she makes a massive production of going out to meet her for tea and talk about plants.

“Angela please be care-” “BRUCE SHE IS A LOVELY WOMAN AND HER HOUSE IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL”

• Angela uses her powers to make objects levitate when she’s not in the room. They know what’s up now but at first the Batfam were really spooked.

• Sparks left a riddle for the Riddler and HE COULDN’T SOLVE IT. You could almost hear everyone in Gotham going “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

• Mike has a similar situation with Bane. He will arrest him, but first they arm wrestle. Their record was 20 minutes before Bane won that round.

• Cade has the exact same costume as Stephanie (I always go by the New 52 Spoiler version of Steph) but in black and grey and they definitely swap clothes after finding out they’re the same sizes.

• Madison has become the older sister to Cassandra and Stephanie and she always makes snow for them, much to the dismay of Jake, who has the exact opposite powers of her.

“Could you maybe fucking not?” “Oh but look how happy they are.” “I’m more susceptible to cold than the average human you know.” “Bullshit I’ve seen you control your body temperature. Stop whining and let them have indoor snowball fights.”

• Cade and Jake get along so smoothly with Selina. Cade controls darkness and runs specifically covert ops. Jake has skill as a tailor and a motorcyclist. Selina is a cat. It’s a match made in heaven. Cade has Jake upgrade her suit for better thieving and they all trade leather jackets.

• Jake does a lot of fire based party tricks when The Initiative first meets the Justice League, one of which is breathing fire.

• Jake has a lot of Batfam friends but he also gets along with a lot of the Rogues really well. He’s taken Harley out for ice cream a lot. Poison Ivy doesn’t like Pyro much because she’s seen how reckless he is when he fights and she’s scared he might burn up some plants but he teleported to a mountain once and brought her some nice mountain flowers so she doesn’t entirely dislike him.

• Jake HATES Firefly because “there’s only one pyro in Gotham and it’s me”.

• Deathstroke really respects Pyro as a fighter but he wishes he wasn’t so reckless and the fact that he sometimes sings while he fights is very irritating.

• Dinah, Jake and Jason are the leather jacket biker gang.

• Azrael getting really mad at Pyro over the existence of God and Pyro just always replying with “no God DOES exist, I’m just offering to show you where he’s BURIED.”

[foxskinxx]

Put My Heart Back Together Part 5

Summary: Reader isn’t human and when she finally confesses her love to a certain metal armed soldier, her heart breaks (literally) when he doesn’t love her back. Will the reader deal with the dullness she has to endure or will Bucky come to his senses? Soulmate AU?

Warnings: ANGST. FLUFF?. HEARTBREAK? CUSSING LIKE A SAILOR, duh. 

Author’s Note: This is long. I apologize if this is complete shit.  My friend has helped me tremendously with the chapters, @krimzenrayne​ .

It has been a year since your mother had come to live with you and since the decision that led to you and Bucky to be friends again. Bucky has changed his attitude towards you and it did make your chest a little lighter. You and Bucky began to communicate better, understand each other more clearly, and you both started to feel a lot better. It did take some time for you both to get use to the new change but your mother was there to help you both. At first, Bucky wouldn’t stay in the same room as you, he still felt the crushing weight of the guilt. You couldn’t look at him for more than a minute, he was so mesmerizing that you wanted to curl up to him but you couldn’t. 

You started to let your voice be heard, you didn’t wait until the last minute to say something and it made things a lot less painful. You didn’t overthink when Bucky would talk to another woman, you concluded that there are female agents and they do not get his love, that’s only you. You stopped being dramatic when someone hurt you or when they said something they didn’t know upset you. You started to feel better and your two heart puzzle pieces started to shift a little towards each other. 

Bucky stopped denying that he doesn’t deserve love, he learned to accept it. He didn’t go out of his way to make you upset anymore, so he wouldn’t get close to you. He stopped making decisions for you and started to talk to you about it. He start to think before he did something that might hurt you. 

All in all, it was a going good. You two still have a long way to go but this past year has showed how much you both improved. You felt somewhat happy and it felt good to feel something other than depressed or angry. 

“EVERYONE! MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!” Tony’s voice boomed through out the kitchen and the lounge area that was connected to the kitchen. You sat on the kitchen counter top, talking with your mom who was in front you. She had some baggy clothes on like you did, she was leaning against the counter behind her as she talked to you about Russia when the old man bombarded into the room. 

“Tony it is nine in the fucking morning. If you don’t tell us what this is about soon, I’m going to roast you.” You were a morning person but you hated when people do that, you didn’t like when people interrupted your conversations. 

“Well Y/N if you did than you would be uninvited to my party tonight. Everyone is invited, dress casual.” With that Tony swiftly exited the room, not wanting to hear any rejections. 

“Flame, are you going?” Your mother turned back to you once Tony left. You shrugged your shoulders as you sipped on your earl grey tea. You did want to go and have a good time but you didn’t exactly like big crowds. 

“I don’t know. You know how I get in large crowds.” Your mother hummed in agreement. You noticed that Bucky was talking with Natasha and Wanda in the lounge area. Your hands grew a faint shade of orange. 

“Flaaaaaaame.” Your mother drew out your pet name as she noticed your growing worry, literally. You snapped back to your mothers gaze and controlled your emotions.

“Why are you worrying?” You felt her hand grasp your hand as you let out a rather sad sigh.

“I guess I’m just insecure. Natasha and Bucky have had a past and she seems like the perfect fit even though the universe literally made us soulmates, I still get insecure.” You kept your head down as you confessed your thoughts. 

“Oh honey, it’s okay to be insecure as long as you don’t drown yourself in it.” She rubbed small circles on your hand as she gave you a toothy smile. 

“Anyway, are you going?” You changed the subject to avoid getting more into it, you agreed with her but you just hated to dwell on it. 

“I think I will.” She moved to the sink and placed her empty cup in the sink to wash it later. 

“I’m going to the lab to help Bruce. Call me if you need me okay sweetie?” You nodded at your mothers question and sipped on your tea. You began to debate whether you are going to the party or not. 

“Agent Y/L/N?” You rose your head to find a rather attractive young man staring at you. Who is he?

“Yes?” You wondered who this mysterious man was, you haven’t seen him before. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and he was very fit.

“I’m Agent Bay Hart, I am new to the Avengers. You’re the only one I haven’t met so I thought I would introduce myself.” He extended his hand with a polite smile spread across his face. 

You jumped off the counter and took his hand in yours but once your skin made contact he jerked his hand back. 

“OW!” You might have forgotten to warn him that your hands are usually hotter than most. 

“I’m so sorry!” You couldn’t believe that you already burned him before you even said ‘hello.’

“It’s okay. I should’ve known that your body temperature is hotter than most.” He chuckled at his mistake and yours. You giggled a little as you two started to get to know more about each other. You’ve discovered that he is an excellent sniper, combat trainer, and he is married. 

“I bet I could kill more target faster than you.” He heard that you were one of the best snipers in the compound and he was one for a challenge. You chuckled and rolled your eyes at his competitiveness. 

“Suuuure and I bet that by tomorrow pig’s will fly.” He laughed at your sarcasm. 

“Y/N?” You looked up from Bay and your eyes met Bucky’s grey ones. 

“Hey Bucky!” You sounded happier than usual, your cheeks were a bit pink, you started to get nervous and Bay noticed your love struck state. Bay started to chuckle and nudge your side which made you push him away and let out a laugh at his behavior. Bucky just stood in front of you two and looked very confused. 

“So are you going to the party tonight?” Bucky went to the fridge to grab a water. You shrugged your shoulders and mumbled an, ‘ I don’t think so.’

“Oh come on Y/N, you can’t just stay in your room all night.” Bay wanted to hangout with you more and frankly you did too, he seemed nice. You pursed your lips, taped your finger on your chin as you pretend to think about it. Bay chuckled at your act and rolled his eyes. 

“I think that’s a great idea, Bay! I think Netflix and I have a date tonight anyway.” You and Bay were laughing at your comment while Bucky looked like he could kill at any moment. 

“I’ll talk to you later Y/N.” Bucky went to hug you and you of course returned it. Bucky gave Bay a cold stare but you didn’t see it. When you went to pull away Bucky didn’t make a move to disconnect you two anytime soon. You didn’t mind but you weren’t alone so you laughed as you lightly pushed him off. 

“I’ll see you later Bucky.” Bucky’s arm wrapped around your waist as he pressed a kiss to your cheek. You didn’t expect it but you smiled stupidly as he left the kitchen. 

“Okay, you have to tell me what that was about.” Bay had his head rested on his hands as he leaned against the counter listening to you intently as you explain everything. 

9:41 pm.

You didn’t go to the party, you didn’t feel like being around anyone tonight. You changed from your day clothes into your comfortable over-sized band tee and leggings. You went to the kitchen to grab some snacks and a drink as you made your course to the theater room. You asked F.R.I.D.A.Y to play When Harry Met Sally as you got comfortable on one of Tony’s expensive couches. The opening began to play when you heard the door open and you paused the movie to tell them to ‘fuck off’ but than you saw a familiar face. 

“Mind if I join?” Bay looked like he has been in bed all day. You furrowed your eyebrows as you made room for him to sit beside you. When he sat down, he groaned in pain. Your eyebrows increased to make its way towards each other. 

“Why are you not at the party?” 

“I had over trained today and I pulled some muscles. Didn’t really feel like getting wasted tonight.” You laughed at the explanation.

“You’re a body builder.” You sneered at the stupid man beside you as he gave you a playful glare. He rolled his eyes and you just chuckled as you told F.R.I.D.A.Y to play the movie. Throughout the movie, you and Bay discussed the characters you hated and loved, the plot, and the ending. 

“But come on Y/N, you can’t actually be into that.” You and Bay had abandoned the theater room for a moment, you had run out of food. You rolled your eyes at Bay’s stupid comment. You walked beside each other as you both made your way to the kitchen. 

“I love that quote. It’s romantic.” You argued with the blonde. 

“I dare you reenact it with me.” Bay smirked as your cheeks went pint. He rolled his eyes, “Just pretend it’s Bucky.” He smirked even wider when your face went tomato red. You sighed as you thought this would be fun to actually say it to someone even for a joke. Unbeknownst to you or Bay, Bucky was just about to enter the kitchen when he heard you talking to Bay. You and Bay began to grow serious so you two could reenact your favorite scene.

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” 

“You see? That is just like you, Bay. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you.”You repeated your favorite quote with such passion that you sounded like you were serious. Bay insisted that you use his name rather than Harry because it would sound more real. Out of the corner of your eye you saw something reflect light in your eye.

But when you looked in that direction, you didn’t see anything. You shrugged your shoulders and looked back at Bay who was trying to be serious. He started to quote other cheesy love lines from other movies. You tried to stay serious throughout the whole thing but it was very difficult. 

“I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me, every day.” Bay grasped your hand in order to make it more believable. You both were on the verge of laughing but you wanted to continue to see if you can make him laugh first.

  “You had me at hello.” You sounded so sincere, you sounded like you were actually confessing. You and Bay separated as you both cracked at the same time, the last quote was too much. 

“Oh my goodness, that was HILARIOUS.” You and Bay were on the floor laughing. You haven’t had a laugh like that in a very long time. You both got your asses off the floor and wiped the tears that spilled out during your giggle fit. 

You and Bay hung out in the kitchen for a couple hours. You decided to cook some cookies as you both shared some mission stories. You explained your race to your new team mate and he told you how he met his partner. 

“I think I’m going to head to Bucky’s room and see if he returned from the party.” You would usually spend your nights with Bucky but he went to the party. He promised to meet you later but you haven’t seen him in over six hours. Bay rolled his eyes as he gagged as he stuck his finger in his mouth pointing to this uvula.

“Oh shut up. I’ll see you later Bay.” You skipped out of the kitchen and took your time to Bucky’s room as you thought about the fun you had with your new friend. You giggled at the memory of the stupid cheesy lines. It was currently 12:43 am and you wanted to talk to Bucky before you headed to bed. 

“Bucky!” You knocked rapidly at his door hoping he’ll be in a good mood. You loved talking about your day to Bucky and you loved hearing about his. You just hated when he was in a bad mood, you hated to see him other than happy. 

Bucky’s door swung open and reviled a red eyed, slumped Bucky. You furrowed your eyebrows and made haste to comfort him but when you fingertips touched his cheek, he reacted like it was poison. The pain sketched on his face made your heart ache. You were about to ask what’s wrong when his voice made its way out of his throat. 

“Go away.” He slammed the door straight in your face. You stood there stunned at his behavior. Okay what the fuck was that?

“Bucky, what did I do?” You had a small pool of tears making their way around your vision. You didn’t like this, not one bit. 

“GO AWAY Y/N!” He sounded so angry. What had you done?

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow Bucky..” You mumbled loud enough for him to hear. You had your head down as you made your way towards your room to think about all the situations that might have led to this. 

Bucky’s POV.

I had walked into the kitchen in search for Y/N but when I heard her rather romantic confession towards the new agent, I bolted the minute she she confessed, “you had me at hello.”

I entered my room and as soon as the door shut, I punched the wall to my right. I retracted my metal fist from the plaster and engrossed my hands into my hair where they tangled themselves into my locks. I sat at the edge of my bed in order to calm down and evaluate the situation. 

“She’s my soulmate, she wouldn’t do this.” I tried to reason with my darker thoughts that began to whisper appalling words into my brain. 

“You hurt her, you broke her heart, you idiot. You’re a monster, you can’t really think that this soulmate shit is real? You have a soulmate? You’ll never be loved.”  It all became too much, my vision faded and darkness invaded my sight and my mind. I couldn’t fight them anymore, they were too much. I sat on the corner of my bed, in the dark as I began to panic and feel worthless. 

Why would she love me?

“Bucky!!” Y/N beautiful voice came in my mind like a bullet. I furrowed my eyebrows, why was she here? I rose from my spot on the bed and wiped my eyes, even though it did nothing. I opened the door to find the love of my life. 

My shoulders slumped when all I could think about was those damn words as I saw her gorgeous fucking eyes. Damnit.

She went to touch my face as her expression turned to worry. When her fingertips brushed against my skin, all I could think about was her love confession to the new agent. I pulled away immediately as I thought about her holding on to Bay. 

“Go away.” I took all the strength I had left to look her in the eyes and shut the door in her face. I leaned my forehead on the door as I placed my hands on either side of my face. I love you, all I could repeat in my mind was those stupid three words. 

“Bucky what did I do?” She sounded so broken, it almost made me run out of the room and wrap her into me. Almost. 

“GO AWAY Y/N!” I screamed in an angry tone but I wasn’t angry with her. I was angry at myself for thinking I deserved her love. I could never be angry with her even if she broke my heart. I felt betrayed. 

I found myself on my knees as I still had my hands and forehead pressed against the door. 

“I love you, Y/N. I love you more than you know.” I found myself whispering through the pain how much I love my precious angel. But she wasn’t mine, at least not anymore. 

Y/N’S POV.

“What did I do, mamma? Everything was going so well until three weeks ago.” Every night since that dreadful night when Bucky closed his door on you, you’ve been crying yourself to sleep in your mother’s lap. It’s been three weeks exactly since Bucky decided to cut you off, it hurt more each day. You tried, fuck did you try, to talk to him. He only gave you a stone cold glare and a scoff as he pushed you aside and resumed what he was doing. 

“Ssh, flame, we’ll find out what is going on m’kay? It will be okay.” She would always hold her arms wide open when you’d open the door with red cheeks and tears cascading down your face. You soon drifted off into dreamland as your mother pet your hair, kissed your forehead, and tucked you in.

Wanda was in the main kitchen when she saw your mother come into view with a sorrowful look on her face. She leaned her elbows on the counter as she massaged her temples with her fingertips. Wanda and your mother have grown close and your mother had grown fond of the witch. Your mother had officiously adopted Wanda for a birthday, you both cried so hard. Wanda was now your sister and your mother had another addition to the family.  

“Mom, is everything okay?” Wanda sat her cup of tea down and placed her hand on her shoulder. 

“Hmm? Oh yes, I’m just confused and worried about this situation with Y/N and Bucky.” Your mother kept her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes focused on the basket of fruit in front of her as she thought of ways to help. 

“I think I may know why.” Tony popped his head around the corner to show he was eavesdropping on the two women. “Before you say anything, I miss my cheerful Y/N, so when I noticed something happened between the two I did some research on the security cameras.” Tony explained his reasoning behind his case. 

Tony held out his tablet to the two curious women, he then pressed play when they nodded him to do so. It played that fateful night. It was a perfect angle, you could see you two clearly as well as the hallway where Bucky was eavesdropping. The two women had their eyes wide when they saw that Bucky didn’t wait until you both crackled with laughter to leave. This explains it all. 

“Oh shit.” Wanda gasped at the new evidence to the case of your broken state and Bucky’s. The group of three took it all in, Tony took it in for the second time. 

They began to come up with a plan to get you two to at least talk. Now it was time to put it in action.

@mayfeather27 @theloveablesociopath

[the-girl-without-a-face]

Winter’s Winter Love Part 2

Paring: Bucky Barnes X Reader.

Words: 1664.

Warnings: some swearing, but literally a word. One.

A/N: So this part was not meant to exist, but I received a comment that asked for more and I just had to do it :3

Prompt: “You’ve been working too hard and I’m calling a Netflix intervention. Not taking no for an answer.”

@fvckingbuckyandsteve

Part 1

AO3 | FF.net | Wattpad

MASTERLIST

[Y/n] – your name

[e/c] – eye color

[y/f/m] – your favorite movie

[Y/L/N/] – your last name

Two months.

That’s how long it’s been since the Christmas you spent locked up with Bucky in his shared apartment in Brooklyn. The Christmas he admitted his love for you right before you fell asleep in his arms. The Christmas you kissed him under the mistletoe that was strategically placed by Steve, Nat and Wanda.

Two months since he asked you out. For the first time. Two months since he asked you to be his best girl.

Endless dates followed the first, all of them different in its own manner. Each contrasting with the last, but every single one of them perfect.

You and Bucky matched like no one ever saw before. It was a great relationship as friends, but the way you were together… It was surprising how well you understood each other by a single hand gesture or a flick of an eye.

He knew your mood from the way your eyebrows moved when you speak.

You knew his mood by the way his hair covered – or not – his gorgeous face.

These last two months were tough though. More missions came every day and there was barely any time for rest. The entire team was tired and in need of some well-deserved rest.

So when an opportunity appeared and you saw yourself with ten-free-missions-days, your mind started planning things to do with your boyfriend.

First one off: sleep. Like a real night of good cuddling and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Those moments seemed hard to find during such insistent duties you both had to attend. It wasn’t unusual for Bucky to feel guilty about spending so little time with you. You had to constantly remind him that it was your job too, so it was no one’s fault.

You had talked to Steve earlier that day, asking if he had any plans for him and Bucky. Luckily, he didn’t. He invited Nat, Wanda, Bruce and Clint for a bar night as you planned a quiet night to spend with Bucky.

Steve had promised you Bucky would be home doing some paperwork that night. He gave you the key and smirked, “Just be careful, okay? I don’t want any mini Buckys and [Y/n]s running wild yet.”

You had winked innocently at him, “Don’t worry about that, Steve.”

Hand on the lock, you turned the key a couple of times and slowly opened the heavy, dark wooden door.

“Bucky?”

“Here,” your heard his deep voice from the kitchen.

Bucky Barnes was almost hidden behind the piles of paper piled up on the table. You snorted a laugh, after all, your boyfriend was big and difficult to hide.

“You alright there?” Your voice came muffled behind the hand you placed on top of your mouth.

Bucky got up and walked to you. “Almost finished with those,” he pointed a finger to the paperwork behind him. “It’s been a few hours, but now my day has brightened,” he grinned and kissed you.

Your hand soon found his long hair and his didn’t hesitate before going to your waist, pulling you closer to him.

You pull away first. “I’m not here to make you dish your responsibilities.”

“But I don’t wanna do ‘em anymore, doll,” Bucky mumbles and goes for your lips again, pulling your face to him by his hand on your neck.

“Tell you what,” you push him away by placing a hand on his muscular chest. “If you finish soon, I’ll give you a kiss,” you made the words slowly leave your lips, walking around the supersoldier, dragging your fingertips to lightly trace his figure as you moved.

His eyes became a shade darker than usual. “And if I don’t?”

“If you don’t, I kiss you.”

He smirked, “Doesn’t seem it really matters then.”

“Not really,” you narrowed your [e/c] orbs. “But I know you, James, you’ll finish it sooner than you firstly though.

“Now that you’re here, doll, you bet I will.”

Twenty minutes later and you’re sitting on the bar stool in the kitchen, watching Bucky fill some paperwork from missions. The Winter Soldier seemed relaxed and eager to finish it when you got there, but now he seemed a bit off.

Bucky had dark bags under his piercing eyes, an almost hunched over posture, and you could tell his muscles were tense… You had seen enough.

You stood from the stool, walked up to Bucky, closed his laptop and offered him your hand.

“Where are we going?” Bucky asked, an eyebrow arched, taking your hand in his much larger one.

He placed a chaste kiss into your palm before getting up from the chair.

Instead of actually answering, you dragged your boyfriend down the hall and into his room.

“You’ve been working too hard and I’m calling a Netflix intervention,” you said as you made him seat on the bed. He opened his mouth, but you quickly added with your eyebrows raised, “Not taking ‘no’ for an answer.”

“But I have to finish the paperwork to get a kiss from my best girl,” he grinned.

You stopped and turned to him, fighting a smile that threatened to curl your lips. “Really?”

“That’s what she told me,” he stepped closer to you.

“She never said you couldn’t kiss her.”

If there was something you could say about Bucky Barnes was that he wasn’t dumb. He took complete advantage of your sentence and fitted his soft lips to your, almost moaning at the touch he has waited for what felt like so long.

You pulled away, desperate for oxygen, and rested your forehead on his chest. Bucky snaked his arms around your frame, supporting most your weight.

“Doll?”

You hummed an acknowledgement.

“Can we watch ‘Aladdin’?” Bucky asked. You laughed, a few seconds ago he was kissing the hell out of you and then he sounded like a child. He had been into the movie since the first time you made a Disney marathon with him and Steve, claiming they had to know all Disney movies ever released.

“Of course,” you smiled to him and turning on the TV.

Bucky sat on the edge of his mattress, one hand firmly attached to yours.

He tugged your hand delicately, making you turn to stand between his legs, and curled his lips in a soft smile to you, his eyes sparkling on the light.

You blushed due to his entire attention on you and finally found the movie he wanted.

“I’ll get us a snack,” Bucky said, almost getting up but you pushed him to sit back on the bed.

But you jumped out of the bed, “I got it,” you pecked his cheek, “It’s you who needs to be spoiled today.”

You came back with popcorn, chocolate, sweet treats and drinks, everything carefully pilled on a tray. Bucky came to help you with it when you reached the bedroom, placing it on the table near the bed. Your eyes scanned your surroundings. Bucky had added several pillows to the bed as well as a very comfortable blanket. The lights were dimmed and the TV allowed the only light in the ambient.

It reminded you of the Christmas you had spent with him in that same apartment, just a couple of months ago. You didn’t even notice the smile that spread across your face until Bucky caressed your cheek with his flesh hand before giving it a small kiss.

“Good enough for a Netflix session?”

You nodded, smiling up at him, which granted you a grin that took your breath away.

“I think it works.”

Then a sly smile took your lips, “Aladdin comes to your screen… Again,” you teased him, cocking an eyebrow.

“It’s not like we don’t watch ‘[y/f/m]’ all the time,” he teased you, imitating your gesture, sliding his hands to rest on your waist.

You blushed, “I admit I’m addicted to this one,”

“I admit I’m addicted to you and I need help.”

You turned to look at him, “What?”

“Your help, ‘f course. It seems I can’t live without you,” his voice was low and husky. It made something throb in your lower abdomen. Bucky raised from the bed and grabbed your hands in his much larger ones. His eyes burnt holes in yours. “I love you, [Y/n].”

“I love you, Buck.”

And he fit his lips to yours in a passionate kiss.

His large hands, both warm and cold, roamed your sides, making goosebumps throb on your lower stomach once again. Your hand grabbed a fistful of his long hair while the other rested on the space his shoulder and neck met.

Bucky took a step forward, which made you take a step back, and his hands moved to hold our back, one on the small of your back and the other between your shoulder blades.

When the back of your knees reached the bed, he gently lowered you to lay down on the soft surface. His body topped yours, with his muscular arms on your sides to avoid smashing your frame.

Bucky quickly placed a knee on the mattress to support his weight when he decided his hands should be on you.

Both metal and flesh palms went back to your sides, grabbing your curves gently but firmly with his opposite-temperature skin. He squeezed your flesh, making small moans come out of you. The sounds you proclaimed drove him crazy and he was slowly losing it.

“Movie first, Buck. My mission here it to get you to relax,” you mumbled from under him, your eyes closed tightly due to passion, not being able to push him off.

Not that you really wanted to get away.

His lips traveled to your neck, letting open mouthed kisses along the way. “Shit,” you breathed and felt his lips curling into a smile against your sensitive skin.

“I relax better like that, Agent [Y/L/N],” his low voice sounded like velvet, and so close to your ear. His long eyelashes ghosting against your cheek.

“Then let’s get you relaxed, Sergeant Barnes.”

[funface2]

The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com

To some, Comedy Central’s annual roast is like the Super Bowl of comedy. And this year’s distinguished honoree, Alec Baldwin, makes for a particularly great football to kick around. Not only has he endured as an award-winning film and television star for more than 30 years, but he has survived all kinds of tabloid incidents, from fistfights with photographers, to the embarrassing voicemail he once left for his “rude, thoughtless” daughter. He has also hosted Saturday Night Live, America’s foremost comedy institution, more than anyone else in its history. The point is that Baldwin’s remarkable life offers a lot of material to work with. The Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin airs Sunday night, but Collider was invited to the live taping last week, and with a dais that included acting legend Robert De Niro, transgender icon Caitlyn Jenner and controversial comedian Adam Carolla, you can bet there was plenty of friendly shade thrown and shots fired.

Sean Hayes served as a surprisingly strong Roast Master for the evening, and joining him and the aforementioned trio on stage were doctor-turned-actor Ken Jeong, NBA star Blake Griffin, SNL‘s Chris Redd, Sabrina the Teenage Witch star Carolina Rhea, roast ringer Nikki Glaser, and the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. Plus, there were two surprise roasters, Alec’s daughter, Ireland Baldwin, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who may need to be put down soon, as his shtick is getting a little long in the canine. And yes, that is a tooth joke, for all the dentists who read Collider.

At one point, I thought Lady Gaga was going to roast Baldwin (who introduces Ally’s SNL performance in A Star Is Born), via video, but she was just announcing that she and Comedy Central had a made a cool million-dollar donation to Exploring the Arts, a charity that supports arts funding. That’s always the first thing to go when there are budgets cuts at schools, so it’s a worthy cause, and hey, isn’t that worth it to get Lady Gaga on your broadcast? Methinks so.

Image via Warner Bros.

Glaser brought her A-game, as you’ll see below, but that’s what I expected from a pro. Griffin, on the other hand, dunked on everyone with the kind of confidence that only a jock can muster, and truly surprised me with his ease and timing on stage. I should’ve seen it coming, too, as Griffin once held his own in a roast battle against Ross, who underestimated his competition and was lucky to squeak by the All-Star forward back in the day.

Jenner deserves a medal for what she was put through during this roast, but she gave as good as she got, and went toe-to-toe with some much more experienced roasters. De Niro did his thing, but at that point, he’d been on stage for close to three hours and it was getting late, so the energy — both his and the crowd’s — wasn’t quite there. And Carolla stayed right on brand, using most of his time to rail against #CancelCulture instead of Baldwin. Speaking of whom, when it was Baldwin’s turn for rebuttal, he showed everyone why he won two Emmys for 30 Rock — he can deliver a hell of a zinger.

So put that remote down — remotes are for closers — and check out the #BaldwinRoast on Comedy Central on Sunday night. Here’s a little sneak peek of my three favorite jokes from each roaster. Naturally, parental discretion is advised…

Sean Hayes

“No offense, Blake, but I’m a better ball handler than you.”

“Caitlyn, being here tonight is the bravest thing you’ve ever done, but don’t worry, any parts you don’t like will be cut.”

“Alec once said I was like a brother to him, which is why we haven’t talked in 10 years.”

“Alec, this will be the funniest thing you’ve been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through.”

Grade: A Hayes made for a surprisingly solid Roast Master and his introductions for each roaster were some of his funniest jokes, especially his intros for Redd and Jenner. I thought he did a good job setting the tone for the evening with his strong opening set.

Nikki Glaser

“Blake, you look like a black guy made by a printer that was running out of ink.”

“Robert De Niro… I can’t believe I get to share this stage with you, and by that I mean the final one of your life.”

“Stevie Wonder sees his sons more than you do, Caitlyn. I mean, even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter!”

“Alec, you’ve had four kids with Hilaria, which is incredible, because isn’t your semen just oatmeal at this point? Oooh, Robert got excited when I said ‘oatmeal!’”

Grade: A Glaser was really the ringer of the evening, as she’s really the only one flexing that comedy muscle every night. It showed, as her set was absolutely vicious.

Image via Warner Bros. Pitures

Ken Jeong

“Chris Redd… just like on SNL, your jokes have been cut for time. Let’s move on! Scroll, scroll, scroll!”

“Alec, you have five kids with two different women. Why can’t you be more like the investors in your films and just pull out?”

“Robert, I’m a great doctor, but even I can’t resuscitate your career.”

Grade: A- Ken Jeong’s jokes alternated between network sitcom and edgy cable series, so to speak. Some were a little corny, but the clever ones really hit the mark, especially Jeong’s delivery of the Redd joke above. Hopefully that one makes its way into the broadcast, which will inevitably leave some punchlines on the cutting room floor.

Chris Redd

“If you wanna hide something from Robert De Niro, just put it on a SNL cue card, because he can’t read that shit!”

“I’m excited to watch an old man figure out trans pronouns in front of a live studio audience.”

“Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car to meet firemen.”

Grade: B+ Chris Redd got off to a rough start but he recovered and finished strong.

Caitlyn Jenner

“Back in the day, Alec and Bruce were like brothers. That’s one more brother he’ll never talk to again.”

“Adam Carolla is so boring. I’ve never seen a drier pussy in my life, and that’s coming from me. See Adam, women are funny!”

Grade: B+ Jenner closed her set with an inspirational message, telling trans viewers ‘if I’m strong enough to sit up here all night, you can handle anything,” and telling her critics “if you have a problem with that then you can suck my dick… if you can find it!”

Caroline Rhea

“Jeff Ross, you are one fat Jewish man. I feel like you took “Let my people go!” out of context.”

“Alec Baldwin worked as a busboy at Studio 54, where he had to clean up jizz and coke every night. That’s exactly what Nikki looks for in a shampoo!”

“Where are your brothers tonight? God knows they’re not working!”

Grade: B Rhea may have stuck out like a sore thumb on the dais but she held her own onstage and took all the jokes about her weight in stride.

Blake Griffin

“Caroline, if you’re here then Salem the Cat must’ve turned it down. Sorry Robert, I know how much you like black pussy.”

“Caitlyn Jenner’s pussy is so young that Alec just called it a “rude, thoughtless little pig.”

“On behalf of the entire NBA and half the rappers on the Billboard charts, thanks for giving your daughters daddy issues.”

Grade: A Griffin showed his roast experience, dunking on the entire dais, and forcing the industry to wonder, should he be starring in Space Jam 2 instead of LeBron James? Could he be the next Dwayne Johnson or Dave Bautista? The charisma is there…

Adam Carolla

“Ken Jeong showed his dick in The Hangover, and Ken, I haven’t seen a dick that small since I took my nephew ice-fishing!”

“If you were offended tonight, please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog and shut the fuck up!”

Grade: B Carolla works a bit better in longer-form, where he can build up a head of steam. His jokes were good, and I liked how he pushed back against the Comedy Police, but it felt like he left a few punchlines on the table.

Ireland Baldwin

“It’s hard being the daughter of an iconic movie star, but I’m not here to talk about my mother… or her Oscar.”

“It’s nice to be on a runway without starting beef with American Airlines. I mean, why would you start shit with the one place still playing your movies?”

“At least you taught someone the ABC’s!”

Grade: B+ Ireland was the surprise roaster of the night, and frankly, she deserved a few minutes of revenge years after her father left that terribly mean voice mail on her phone. She has grown up to be a beautiful woman, and she showed a lot of poise on stage considering the fact that she isn’t paid to deliver lines, and many other roasters struggled in front of the live audience.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

“I thought Jimmy Kimmel was here but I was just smelling Adam Carolla’s finger!”

“Alec, your fuse is almost as short as Chris Redd’s IMDb page!”

“Alec Baldwin once made an appearance on Sesame Street. It was the only way he could get close to an Oscar.”

Grade: C I’ve gotta be honest… Triumph’s shtick is getting a little old… in terms of both human and dog years. When an actual dog is stealing the show from you, what does that say? 

Image via Warner Bros.

Robert De Niro

“After tonight, Rocky and Bullwinkle won’t be the worst thing I’ve ever done!”

“I was in Goodfellas, and I bet Sean has also been in some good fellas.”

“Comedy Central wouldn’t put Caitlyn Jenner on a roast until after her transition so they could pay her 20 percent less.”

Grade: C+ I just don’t think this was the right format for De Niro, who struggled with the teleprompter. He was OK, but his timing wasn’t 100 percent. Too bad Comedy Central couldn’t afford to de-age him like Netflix. I heard enough Old De Niro jokes to last me a lifetime. The man is the greatest actor ever, and it just felt weird watching everyone tee off on him like that, but at least he’s a good sport!

Jeff Ross

“It’s a Saturday Night Live reunion! Alec Baldwin plays Donald Trump. Robert De Niro plays Robert Mueller. Chris Redd plays Kanye. And Caitlyn Jenner donated the dick in the box!”

“Robert De Niro is a method actor. I just wish that method involved reading the script, Bob!”

“Caroline, you look like the schoolteacher all the kids hide behind during a shooting.”

“Adam, you once said that women aren’t funny. Well, they are, and let me tell you, you should’ve hired some to write your jokes tonight!”

Grade: A- The Roastmaster General was pretty damn great, and his set was consistently good. It didn’t have quite the same highs as, say, Nikki Glaser or Blake Griffin’s, but he didn’t have many stinkers in the bunch, and he definitely seemed to get extra camera time.

Alec Baldwin

“Blake, moving from LA to Detroit is so sad. That only happens when a prostitute’s body is sent back to her family.”

“Nikki, were you the flight attendant I was rude to? What devastating comment can I make that Nikki hasn’t already muttered to herself in front of a mirror at Equinox?”

“Ken, the hardest possible title for you to pronounce is Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Grade: B+ Baldwin got some good licks in when it was his turn to respond, but the roaster is always in a tough position at these things, because we’ve already heard 3 hours of jokes about each individual on stage, so it becomes harder to surprise the audience as the night wears on. Still, for a guy who made ‘Always Be Closing’ famous, he scored as the evening’s closer.

Image via New Line Cinema

Image via NBC

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Bài viết The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/the-best-jokes-from-the-alec-baldwin-roast-on-comedy-central-collider-com/

[wheelswithinreels]

‘The uncanny valley, at the end of the day, is the gap between seeing and believing.’ Bruce Carter, at the Animal Logic animation studio in Sydney.

We all hate politicians. But why? Isn't that weird? Throughout history, we haven't always hated our leaders. So why do our politicians, these days, seem so alien, so strange, so... uncanny?

...Maybe an obscure Japanese roboticist's theory holds the answer. A video essay. Part one of two!

*

Ah, politics. (Cue ~80% of my readers switching off in disgust.) Actually, since right now I don't have any readers, that's fine, you can't divide by zero. Unless you're Ted Chiang, in which case they'll probably seize your book with glee, hose you with money and make a movie about it.

...Anyway. Politics.

This one I wrestled with for a bit; not least because I'm not all that comfortable with writing a piece of genuinely venomous criticism. You'll notice as we go that I tend to review things I love, and that when I do criticise, it's with the intention of making something awesome even better. I just enjoy what I'm doing more that way.

And it's not just because I'm a spineless jellyfish (although I am, wibble) - it's because on the whole, there ain't no accounting for taste and one man's trash is another man's treasure, etcetera. (Incidentally, that last one - awful way to tell your kid he's adopted.) But, yes, to each his own, say I, and all the more for me - if I don't like something and you do, that's totally cool, you do your thing and I'll do mine. It's all just opinions in the end.

And to be honest, I reckon there's very little to be gained by hurling bags of shit at things/people/art you don't like, on the whole; yes, it might be funny, yes, it might feel cathartic, but if the target of your shit volley ever actually reads it, it's more likely to upset them quite badly than anything else. Which, well, probably outbalances those flickers of amusement and the momentary release you get from ripping seven shades of shit out of them.

I dunno. I don't mean to get on my high horse, and I look rubbish up there anyway, but... I'm with Michael Keaton in Birdman, on the whole, when he rails against hatchet jobs. 'You write a couple of paragraphs and you know what? None of this cost you fuckin' anything!' Art's hard. Compassion's easy. (Most of the time.) As someone's old Welsh grandmother is no doubt still muttering, 'if you can't say anything nice, SHUT THE FUCK UP, ARSEHOLE.'

...You'll see this come up a couple of times in upcoming videos, I reckon. Hey, it's an interesting subject. And I certainly haven't always practiced what I preach... I probably laughed harder and longer at das-sporking's savage Twilight recap than anything else in 2009. Still. (The infamous Charlie Brooker wrote an excellent and thought-provoking piece about exactly this in 2010, if you're interested...)

*

So, why break my own rule? Well, it comes down to this, I reckon.

Bad art doesn't hurt anybody. (Define 'bad', anyway.) From a formal literary perspective, my 13-year-old fanfiction might well have been an enormous steaming heap - but at the time, it helped me hone my craft immeasurably, put me in touch with a small but close-knit group of sweet, supportive readers who reviewed each other and built up each other's confidence, and helped me grow up.

Put it this way: if you'd left me a bad review at age 13, I can guarantee I wasn't mature enough to handle it. (Hey, people saying my shit stinks still hurts.) All you'd have accomplished would be to upset a kid, and probably drive them off the internet for a few months. It's hard to see how that's a net positive.

But while bad art, generally speaking, doesn't hurt anyone, bad politics does. More specifically, bad politicians do. In all sorts of ways - from dementia taxes, to food banks, to the more insidious problem of receding trust in our democracy - from Nick Clegg's continued insistence that he shouldn't have to apologise for betraying every student who voted for him (ahem), to Theresa May's cowardice concerning debates, to her apparent inability to answer any question, at all, like a human being.

And when we see shit like this going down, we should start getting annoyed. We should stand at the back and heckle. We should make our arguments heard. Otherwise more bad things will happen to more good people.

So the reason I've made an exception for Theresa May - and every other politician who's traded in their authenticity for a slicked-back PR guru - is that, well, she's a politician. More than that - she is, for now at least, the leader of my country. And yet she pulls stunts like these, in broad daylight...

Plymouth is feeling the effects of military cuts. Will she guarantee to protect the city from further pain? "I'm very clear that Plymouth has a proud record of connection with the armed forces."

How will your Brexit plan make Plymouth better off? "I think there is a better future ahead for Plymouth and for the whole of the UK."

Will you promise to sort out our transport links? "I'm very clear that connectivity is hugely important for Plymouth and the South West generally."

- Sam Blackledge, The Plymouth Herald

I go on about this kind of shit at quite some length in the video, so I won't repeat myself too much, but... seriously? Is this how stupid you think we are? Whichever parasitical sycophant convinced Theresa May that the electorate will swallow this kind of gubbins needs Domestos-ing, stat. The Great British public rather dislike being patronised. As they recently proved.

...So, even though I felt uncomfortable titling the video 'Why You Hate Theresa May,' and I still feel uncomfortable having a video on my channel with a title like that, I think it's justified. Hey, put it this way: if I was a politician who was honestly trying to do some good for my country, and a video popped up titled 'Why People Fucking Hate You', I'd be upset, sure - but I'd want to watch it. Just to see whether they actually had a point. Just in case I'd fucked something up badly. I'd want to see.

The video isn't really about hate. I don't want people to hate their prime minister, and if she ever changes, you bet I'll make a video expressing my delight and appreciation. I just wish she'd understand why, right now, they're justified in doing so.

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Anyway, this video was 90% finished a month or so ago, in fact; then I sort of moved countries, and forgot about it, until the UK election campaign brought it squarely back into focus. (That's why poor old Ed Miliband comes in for the brunt of the bollocking in this first part; Theresa May hadn't really got going with 'strong-and-stable' yet.) But I was seized with a sudden urge to dig it out and finish it because, well, it seemed so relevant to why she'd lost.

...Also, I'm still a baby channel and, well, I'm as keen to capitalise on current events as the next guy. So, sheer good luck and timing that I had a video almost done.

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And now for something completely different: I just wanted to address the fact that most/all of you probably saw this video pop up first as an ad. Yep, a paid one. Via Google AdWords. I'm officially a heartless, soulless business.

Or not, since I'm also broke as shit, and my AdWords campaign is presently set to run for TWO WHOLE DAYS at a cost of roundabout £15. Yeah. I do slightly sadden myself sometimes.

I did have some severe doubts about advertising on YouTube... for one thing, everyone hates adverts. How dare I waste people's time? Well, here's how I justified it to myself:

Like I said, baby channel. Tiny. Insignificant. When 300 hours are uploaded to YouTube every minute, frankly, I'm screwed if I can't get the word out somehow. At least at the start.

You can skip my ads, 'cos I'm way too poor for the mandatory 30-second ones, har har. (Also, I'd never make an ad unskippable. Fuck that shit.)

I can count the number of ads I've actually enjoyed and/or watched to the end on one hand, but... there have been a few of them. Some showing me videos I might never otherwise have seen. If my crappy little ad campaign nets me one person who genuinely enjoys my stuff, and watches it, and thinks it improved their day, well... it'll be money well spent.

<sanctimonious-soapboxery>When you think about it, it's actually my money that's helping out those poor creators who do rely on monetisation, so good for them, I say. Poor sods.</sanctimonious-soapboxery>

Having said all that... I'd rather you watched the AVPM video, frankly. It's way more representative of what this channel's going to be about. But hey, this is something I felt strongly enough about to pour hours of research (read: watching politicians lie on YouTube) into. If that's not enough to make you pity me, well... may God have mercy on your twisted little walnut of a soul.

And on that note...

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