#'but what if the baby cures cancer' WHAT IF I DO. WHAT IF I DO.

[mememan93]

killing and biting and killing and biting

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[moonstruckme]

for summer bash - have a bonfire - james + opposites attract?? 💐☺️

Thanks for requesting lovely!

James Potter x fem!reader ♡ 392 words

“Oh my god.” James’ laughter enters the room with him. “Are you really still in bed right now?”

You roll over, turning your face into your pillow in answer and in anticipation, and you’re right, because in the next second your boyfriend is whipping open the curtains. Warm sunshine falls across the bed. 

You groan in protest, but James is undeterred. He launches himself onto the mattress, careful not to actually put his weight on you as he turns you over by the shoulders and plants a smooch on your pillow-creased cheek. 

“It’s past eleven, baby” he says, words chiding but voice syrupy sweet. 

You hum, eyes closed even as James smooths his big thumbs over your skin enticingly. “Jus’ means I have an hour until I have to get up.” 

You hear James’ incredulous huff, and a smile tugs at your lips despite your lethargy. 

“Do you want to know what I’ve done today?” he asks you. 

“Mm…saved a kitten from a tree, helped a nursing home cross the street, and cured cancer?” You crack an eyelid, and James is grinning hugely. It’s almost too brilliant to look at. You close your eye again. “You wanna tell me, so tell me.” 

“I went to the gym,” he kisses the tip of your nose, “then made breakfast, went to the store,” he moves to the skin underneath your eye, “did a load of laundry,” his lips come down firmly on your cheek, “and met Remus for coffee. Even Remus is awake, lovie, c’mon.” 

You whine, but James hears the give in it and he grins, squishing your cheeks between his hands. 

“We can go to the park so you can read your book,” he wheedles. “I’ll get you some of that black death you like.” 

You roll your eyes. “It’s coffee, James,” you say, lips pushed out from the way he’s holding your face. “Normal coffee.”

“Disgusting,” he sighs, lovesick. “But sure, some of that.” 

You contemplate his offer. “Could we be indoors?” 

James’ lips tug to one side. “What if we’re outdoors, but I find us a nice shady spot under a tree?” 

“Okay,” you sigh, and he pecks you on the chin, triumphant. “Fifteen minutes, and I’ll get up.” 

James groans dramatically, though he doesn’t seem too reluctant as he lays his head on your chest, settling in. “Fine, but I’m holding you to it.” 

[dumbcrustyassbitch]

my favourite things that reneé rapp has said

(in no particular order)

• "but also, like, yes, it was fun, but it was just silly, like, we made, like, a musical of a movie that was already a musical based off of a movie, like... like, we're not out here curing cancer, we're just having fun"

• "moana"

• "i would hit on me"

• "mommy. i love her, i love you, mommy... yeah... in a respectful way"

• "ADHD! ADHD!"

• "there's a dress code... okay, and i didn't wanna adhere... to the fucking dress code... because i don't wanna wear a collared shirt if i'm told to"

• "i'm reneé rapp and i'm ruining my own life"

• "serious question... serious fucking question... do you- do you ever just kinda like look at your nipp- like, feel- like, feel your nipple... and you're just like... you're so cute!"

• "it is with a... heavy heart that i announce that this ass is in fact... still fat"

• "also, disclaimer, screw your diet culture, i'm enjoying my time with my fridge, thank you"

• "actually best ass i've ever seen in my life"

• "men should die🤗"

• "i should be sedated from time to time"

• "i feel... um... fucked"

• "today, i'm not thriving, i'm surviving, but maybe tomorrow... we'll be thriving?"

• "there's a baby... there's a baby, there's a baby, there's a baby... i'm gonna steal it"

• "i love margot robbie, so that movie is gay to me... in a way... cuz she's so cute in that movie... ah!"

• "there's no real way to, like, act or, like, look queer or gay, however, i was acting and looking gay"

• "i mean, i'd like to say thank you to all of my exes, like, i've profited heavily off of that and i really appreciate it... and a huge thank you to every man that helped made me realise that i was a lesbian"

• "harry... come out"

• "'can i be your next chair' what does that mean? ..... 😳"

• "jokes on you, skank, i don't run, it hurts my fucking knees"

• "mommy's tired, like... take mommy home"

• "um, delusion?"

• "any notes for her? ... date me?"

• "because i was like, motherfucker, one thing you're not gonna do is take away my pride"

• "yeah, a lot of people were, um, upset... and i... enjoyed it"

• "if the shoe fits... lace that bitch up and... run"

• "be mad. go home. touch grass. play in traffic."

• "leave him. quickly. with a swiftness"

• "just for a little clarification, i didn't bring that bag of apples... it was just there"

• "one could yap and one could strap"

reblog with your favourites !!

[thotthumb]

James Wilson Has A Superiority Kink

Reader is written with AFAB Transmasc people in mind.

Do not read if you are under the age of 18 as there is SEXUAL CONTENT WRITTEN UNDER THE CUT

Content Warnings: Wilson talks about fucking a baby into the reader but it’s just horny talk, Wilson cures his whiskey dick by getting good head apparently, Wilson begs to cum, Wilson is called “Handsome Boy” and “Good Boy” as well as “Baby”, Wilson is intended to be so subby and brain dead during horny hours it’s basically pathetic, Last paragraph is kinda cum eating depending on how you look at it.

Word count: 690

Authors Note: this is legit just James Wilson being a submissive, pathetic man that’s drunk off getting touch his partner (but specifically when and how they tell him to) brainrot because i wanna do unspeakable things to this doctor and it’s gonna be y’all’s problem

James Wilson has a superiority kink and i know it (i thought about it and i like the idea).

James Wilson who gets gets rock fucking hard when you boss him around. But use that specific tone of voice, the tone that sounds like you’re holding back from running your fingers through his hair while you shove a hand down his pants. The tone of voice that sounds like you want to devour him whole but haven’t decided if he’s earned it yet.

James Wilson who has cured his whiskey dick simply by bedding the Head of the Psychology Department (there’s quite a few more mental health cases running around than there are cancer cases so technically Psych is a higher position and YES. It does still confuse James as to how cancer isn’t upmost priority but neither of you get paid enough for that). That’s all it took. Just him having his superior looming over him after pulling away from a kiss and caressing his jaw. All you had to do was touch him and he started acting like a schoolboy.

James Wilson who could barely feel his face when the aforementioned Head of Psych had their nose pressed to his pelvis with his cock so fucking far down their throat. You had him gripping the sheets in effort to keep from splattering your face when you told him if he kept being good you’d let him cum wherever he’d like. Please, you know how much he likes getting to leave his mark with his release (he was slightly possessive when it came to his partners).

James Wilson who is moaning into the back of your neck, pistoning his hips almost furiously into yours as he has you on your hands and knees. He wants this release so bad he borderline needs it. He barely got through you edging him, he nearly came too many times but now he was so close. “Please le’me cum.. wanna fuck,” He pushed you down onto the bad with a hand in between your shoulders, “wanna fuck a baby into you please.” He sounded pathetic but in an oddly hot and sexual way. “I’ve been so good, please just let me cum inside. Need it so bad.” He’s babbling horny nonsense now. “James, baby, you wan-“ You were cut off by him giving a series of harder thrusts, strangled moans slipping out. You couldn’t help it, he knew what he was doing far too well (it made you jealous sometimes knowing that other people have also received dick from this man). “Fff-fuck yes! Go on, cum, my handsome boy!” It took a second to finally get the words out due to James not halting his thrusts in the slightest but he didn’t care at the moment.

“Fuck thank you, thank you…” He was beginning to whine out his thank you’s as he felt his dick twitch. He hasn’t came in at least an hour and has been rock hard the entire time. He was aching for this orgasm, even his cockhead was an angry reddish color matching his flushed face. You knew he was biting his lip, hazy brown eyes half lidded and lightly crossing, his eyebrows pinched together, and sweat likely dripping off his nose at this point. He always looked beautiful when he came undone.

Finally, a high pitched gasp and a long, drawn out whiney moan came from the man behind you. He hunched over you, hiding his face in your neck in an attempt to muffle the embarrassing sounds coming from him (it didn’t help at all and it made those debaucherous sounds enter your ears in high definition) as his hips were moving sloppily and barely holding together a rhythm. You could feel your legs beginning to shake as the sounds coming from him finally sent you over. “G’ boy, sucha good boy f’me,” you choked out.

You nearly jumped when you felt James’ breath fanning over your sex, your legs still shaking from the orgasm you’ve barely started recovering from. Then, you nearly squealed when you felt his tongue lick a broad stripe from top to bottom.

[httpsghostie]

I luv ur high maintenance s/o💗🫰

Take the cod boys to sephora and swatch every single color on their arms lmao.

Ghost completely flabbergasted, shook, bamboozled when he finds out the price of some of these items lol.

“WHY IS IT $45 for some chalky colors luv ?!?!?!”

“$30 for THAT?!?!?!”

*accidentally got lip plumper on his eyelids* “OH BLOODY JESUS ARSE IT BLOODY FUCKING STINGS GET IT OFF MEE!!!”

141 at sephora

first of all: thank youuu<33 had lots of fun writing this

warnings: none!

✧.* gaz:

"please, baby, I just need an eyeliner." you whined as you two were passing in front of the store, gaz shrugged and went along with you.

"just an eyeliner? mhmm, I know." he said with a smirk, but was happy to see you happy.

you went inside, going straight to where the eyeliners would be and he followed just behind you.

"$25 for a marker?" he widened his eyes and you chuckled. "that's overpriced."

"yeah but it's waterproof!" you said, swatching it on the back of your hand. 

"I can give you a permanent marker for less than half of that!" he laughed, looking at all the other products in the aisle. "damn, I didn't think makeup was this expensive."

"it is." you said, knowing well that there were cheaper products. "babe, what do you think about this color?" you asked, holding a liquid lipstick.

"y/n…" 

"please, it's just this one." you pouted.

"fine." he laughed, giving you a kiss on the forehead and going with you to check out. 

he ended up paying for you, getting all flustered to see you happy.

✧.* ghost:

"I just need to get a few things, I promise, it won't take long!" you dragged simon by the arm and he almost stumbled on the bags he carried.

"love, you just said that at the last store an hour ago." he chuckled.

"last one, I promise!" you mumbled, to which he could only sigh and follow you.

you stopped to see the eyeshadow palettes, swatching the colors on your arm and inspecting them. he just stood there with the bags in his hand, tired of having to be social all day, until his eyes met the price of stuff.

"bloody hell, darling, $50 for twelve colors? what's in them? the cure for cancer?" his eyes widened when you took the palette in your hands. "oh my god, $30 for that? are you kidding me? jesus, love, I'm going bankrupt."

you could only laugh at his reaction and the way his tired eyes followed you around the store as you picked more stuff, not even daring to ask the price of them. when you had finished shopping, you bet he stopped to get some tea on the way back home.

✧.* price:

"is this what you put on my skin that day, sweetheart? we should get this f' you. oh my god this is expensive, did you waste your expensive products on me?"

"I didn't waste them." you laughed, picking up some face masks. "I want you to have smooth skin just like me." 

he isn't used to the price of beauty products, but he's also not surprised that they're overpriced. it costs x for you to get your hair products and have the most soft hair ever? swipe his credit card. costs y to get skincare products just so your skin is smooth when he's caressing your face? swipe his credit card. 

usually ends up with a gigantic bill, but if you're happy he's happy.

stops by the perfumes when you're not looking to get you a new one, you have no clue how but he ended up getting your favorite.

✧.* soap:

"come here." you called him, grabbing a foundation, snatching his arm and swatching on it to see if it had enough coverage.

"jesus, what is this?" he sniffed, making you laugh.

"foundation." you inspected his arm, watching if the color would oxidate. "hm, I don't like it."

you'd leave him unattended for a minute and he would come back with a hand on his eye, complaining that it was hurting.

"lass, got something in my eye, ow, ow." 

"what did you do, johnny?" you tried to wipe it off, but it was glossy and you ended up smearing it even more.

"ow, I put that thing over there-" he pointed to a section of lip plumpers, and you could only take a glance at it before he started to be a lot more dramatic. "-in my eye, ow, help, please." 

you could barely breathe at how much you laughed, asking for a makeup wipe to try and get rid of the gloss. he was mumbling some things under his breath, cursing at you playfully for leaving him alone.

when you finally took it off, he still felt like his eye was burning, and you two had to leave the store due to how badly you two were laughing. not to mention that he was left with a swollen eye.

[just-antithings]

Fictional characters are to antis what "the unborn" are to pro-lifers.

Fictional characters, like the fetus, are the epitome of everything good the anti/pro-lifers wants to demonstrate on their crusade. They're uncomplicated. They're abstract. They are exactly what the arguer thinks they are in that moment. They will never disagree with the arguer and never make demands of their own.

Pro-lifers rarely help born people, and in fact gleefully call for the deaths of born people, because born people make demands, and have their own free wills, and sometimes make mistakes. The unborn will always be a perfect being, a tragedy, a what could have been; "what if the baby you aborted could have cured cancer?"

Antis rarely care for real people, and in fact often gleefully abuse them for disagreeing with their stances, because real people make demands, have their own free wills, and sometimes make mistakes. Fictional characters will always be perfect, and a tragedy, and a what-if; "what if the fictional character knew you shipped them with a literal child?"

Fictional characters are a way for antis to "care" about abuse/rape without actually confronting the reality that abuse survivors, as with anyone else, are messy people who have flaws and don't agree on any one issue. Just as fetuses are a way for pro-lifers to control the abortion debate with an image that is solely about shallow, unearned pathos, and never about the beings that currently occupy this world.

Both are the weak attempts of a person who likes the IDEA of doing/being good, but not the actual work that goes into making the world a better place. You can see it in how they react to anyone who disagrees with them with unrestrained vitriol and hatred. It isn't about "protecting life" or "protecting abuse/rape victims", but about being SEEN as someone who wants to protect life or protect rape/abuse victims.

Sorry for the long ask but I had this thought a while ago and wanted to share it.

Oh yeah they’re very similar mindsets

[curioscurio]

[Short Story]

80 Percent

One day, we developed the technology to completely map out and visualize every single living creature and object in the ocean. The machine had been running for a few years and received an extraordinary amount of funding from scientific organizations around the world.

When it finishes its job, the results are to be instantly shared around the world.

On the final day of the countdown, everyone started getting giddy with excitement and curiosity while waiting for the results.

"This is really magnificent. Who knows what incredible forms of life we're going to find?" An intern in New Zealand bounced with nervous energy and smiled.

"I hope it's hiding epic and delicious sea monsters, like in hollywood movies!" A lighthearted seafood chef in Spain jokes.

"There could be a sponge out there with the cure to cancer!" A sick child in America coughs out to their nurse.

Oil and fishing industries everywhere were hosting company parties; celebrating the new abundance of supply to support the crushing weight of demand.

A salaryman in Hong Kong playfully groans. "Anything but the same old boring fish we see all the time. I'd love to see something like a never-before seen creature with octopus-like intelligence!"

"It's nice to know that, despite all of mankind's careless neglect of the ocean, there's still an abundance of nature still untouched by humanities pollution." An environmental activist in India comments.

Deep in the middle of the Atlantic, a scientific research boat sits filled with passionate marine biologists.

Someone hastily bought a cake to celebrate the hard work everyone had put into the project over the years. The team didn't know what kind of discoveries they'd run into, so it was decided that a baby shower themed cake would have to do. On the top, in blue frosting, was written: "Congratulations! It's a____!"

Presumably, the blank was to be filled in once the data from the machine was compiled.

The machine beeps once, echoing throughout the research vessel, and everyone races to the screen as fast as their legs will take them.

They read the results.

No one says anything.

"That can't be right. Someone go and reset the device and run it again." The head scientist sighs, confident that they had run into an error.

Another twenty minutes go by.

The machine beeps once.

The updated model is largely the same as the previous one.

"...maybe it's not done loading." Someone shatters the silence, and the crowd of scientists flinch, but no one dares take their sights off the screen. Nobody breathes. It's the same outcome on the third try, as well.

The visual simulation on the computer screen shows a complex 3D model of all the life in the entire ocean.

There are whales gliding between continents, sharks feasting on squids, and squids feasting on sharks. Gorgeous and intelligent octopus that can change the color of their skin at will. A pod of humpback whales could be seen off the coast of Antarctica. All of the diverse and colorful life living in the ocean swim before their eyes in a transparent globe of digital seawater.

It looks just like a modern map of the ocean as we know it.

"I don't understand. It looks exactly the same." Someone whispers.

"Exactly. Humankind has only been able to explore around 20 percent of the entire ocean on planet Earth." The head scientist gulps, eyes still hooked to the glassy screen.

"So," someone's voice begins to waver. "You're saying that the other 80 percent..."

No one answers. No one blinks.

"It's... empty. It's not detecting any life signs that we haven't already discovered. It's empty." Someone says.

Someone thinks about pollution.

Someone thinks about shark fin soup.

Someone thinks about the stock market.

Someone thinks about a pet store; shelves lined with dozens of fish that float upside-down and belly up at the top of their tanks.

"... we're all that's left." Someone says.

[the-record]

ICU

SUMMARY: ellies lost her keys…again… luckily dina’s pretty friend has an empty bed

PAIRING: ellie williams x reader

WARNINGS: none?

A/N: i missed these and yall!! not fully back but i miss writing also if u see stranger things content don’t be alarmed! still v much in love with ellie and abs

‘ I FEEL SOMETHING WHEN I SEE YOU NOW ‘

elliewilliams

elliewilliams LET ME INNNNNNNN. JOEL PLEASE LET ME INNNNNNNN

tagged: joelmmm

load comments…

dina_nolastname BAAHHAHA IMAGIWN 

   elliewilliams i HATE you CRY URSELF TO SLEEP

joelmmm 💤💤💤

   elliewilliams JOEL PLEASE UTS COLD

   elliewilliams IM TIRED AND IM VERY SORRY 

   elliewilliams JOELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

jessesucks go to tommy and marias stupid

   elliewilliams why didnt i think of that? oh wait I DID ITS 2 AM AND THEY HAVE A BABY STUPJD HOW DID YOU EVEN GRADUATE??!!?!?!

yourusername did u lose ur key again

   elliewilliams …no… also HOW DO U KNOW AB THAT?!?!

      yourusername dina talks a LOT when shes drunk

angel: ellie come to mine

ellie: huh?

a: ur locked out, im not, my beds made, urs probably isnt, come over.

e: u barely know me?!?!?

a: dina trusts u idc, come over rn or ill pick u up.

e: send me ur address.

“this was really nice of you.” ellies voice breaks the silence as make room for her beside you. you wave your hand, no worries, but she insists. “no seriously, you could’ve let me die. freeze. starve even.”

when you laugh she doesn’t think she’s ever heard a better sound. “ellie i don’t think any of those things would’ve happened.” you smile and lean on an elbow to look at her. “and i really don’t mind, gets lonely anyways. need a loser dork to fill the silence.” you tease.

she gasps in faux hurt, tracing an imaginary tear down her face.

elliewilliams

elliewilliams an ANGEL yall. $10,000,000 for her and her only.

tagged: yourinstagram

load comments…

yourusername bye i let you stay over a night 😭 i didnt cure cancer

   elliewilliams ur right. $100,000,000 mb

dina_nolastname *sighs*

   elliewilliams i hate you.

joelmmm yourusername I am so sorry Ellie intruded, I’ll pay you for your time and kindness. 

   yourusername 😭😭 damn

      elliewilliams ignore him, he drinks

         yourusername its 8 am.

jessesucks oh you will NEVER live this down.

   elliewilliams blocked.

a_anderson you are an embarrassment to society!

   elliewilliams i hate all of u.

e: hey!

a: real chipper today huh

e: didn’t lose my key all week so yes very

e: i have a question tho

a: lmao im gonna steal ur key from u, whats up?

e: do u wanna go to a concert this weekend??

e: i bought the tickets for dina and i but she cancelled last minute and jesse cant go

e: its like 2 hours away on saturday 

e: also do NOT touch my key please i m begging

a: yea actually id love too :)

a: text me the details

e: great

e: okay yea ofc

elliewilliams 

elliewilliams so…

tagged: yourusername 

load comments…

dina_nolastname MRS STEAL UR GIRL 

   elliewilliams SHE WAS NEVER URS!!!

jessesucks GASPING when did this development occur.

   elliewilliams 🤓☝️

      jessesucks BREAK UP

yourusername girl on the left is sooo fine

   elliewilliams crazy, im more into the one on the right

   dina_nolastname yall r EMBARRASSING 

joelmmm yourinstagram Come for dinner tomorrow! Would love to meet Ellie’s pick of the month. 🩷

   yourinstagram GOODBYEEE

   elliewilliams JOEL?!?!??!!!??!

yourusername

yourusername in an interesting turn of events…

tagged: elliewilliams

load comments…

jessesucks GAG

   yourusername this is why dina dumped you! 💋

      dina_nolastname BYEEE true tho

elliewilliams bruh we are so cute

   yourusername okay “bruh”

      elliewilliams WIAT OM SORRY

dina_nolastname mrs. stolen girl 💔💔

   yourusername im always urs bae 

a_anderson wheres MY cute gf damn.

   yourusername I KNOW SOMEONE WHOO LIIIIIIKES YOU!!

      a_anderson SPILL. 

   elliewilliams go away! 💋

a: hey

e: hi

a: come over?

a: please?

e: are you okay??

a: just please come over.

e: im omw right now

e: be there in 10

e: unlock the front door

a knock on your door wakes you from the light sleep you’d been in. a small ‘come in’ has ellie gently opening the door and walking softly towards your bed. her hands brush hair from your face, a kind smile on her face. something you can’t pinpoint in her eyes.

“you doing okay babe?” her voice is just above a whisper, though no one else would be home to hear it otherwise. “tired?”

you hum an answer out and reach for one of her hands, fiddling with her rings and avoiding her eyes. “can you turn off the light and sit with me?” she smiles and nods, savoring one more second before standing and taking off her jacket while walking to the switch.

its still light out, the evening sun beginning to set but still lighting up enough of your room. as she’s getting in beside you, she notices what you’re wearing. “nice shirt,” ellie says with a snort.

its one of hers, you stole it a few weeks ago with no intention of giving it back. her heart grows as a small smile graces your features. “there she is.” you flush and turn away. she coos teasingly while getting comfortable behind you.

when you do turn, shes the perfect pillow. her fingers trace your features as your eyes shutter closed.

e: hi love, you wanna do something today?

a: you have something in mind?

e: thought we could go bowling 

e: that new bowling place just opened downtown, looks cute

a: kinda tired. do something at home?

e: alreadyomw with snacks for u

a: youre the best.

a: i miss you.

e: i miss you too. you doing okay?

a: are you at work

a: im tired

e: i get off in 30 

e: come over to mine, joel will let you in

a: okay

elliewilliams 

elliewilliams bbg needs a NAP theyre grouchy

tagged: yourusername 

load comments…

yourusername i know where you live.

   elliewilliams LOVE YA!

joelmmm Photo creds.

   elliewilliams sighs.

dina_nolastname angel ALWAYS needs nap bro gets really grumpy

   yourusername I ALSO KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

      dina_nolastname see? grumpy.

jessesucks we’ve all seen the pictures she looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL, uhm… and he’s there… (ellie is he)

   dina_nolastname (ellie is he) BYE

   yourusername HEY JESSIE WOAHHH FEELS LIKE A PARTY EVERYDAY

   elliewilliams remember when dina dumped u?

a: can we go to the aquarium 

e: you feel up to it?

a: no obviously i asked because i don’t 

e: OKAY SORRY DAMN

e: god just being a supportive girlfriend and this is what i get. 

a: GOODBYE I DONT WANNA GO ANYMORE

e: no im sorry im sorry im sorry i wanna go

a: YAY

a: pick me up in 30 pls

e: of course love 

e: im glad you’re feeling better

e: very excited rn

yourusername

yourusername finally left the house after 72628748829 years 

tagged: elliewilliams

load comments…

elliewilliams @ the guy who took this for us ur so real

   yourusername YEA!!!!!!

dina_nolastname yall r so cute CRY

   yourusername u want me fr

jessesucks ICK

   dina_nolastname this is why i dumped u

elliewilliams 

elliewilliams a moment for the gf!

tagged: yourusername

load comments…

yourusername OF ALL THE THINGS YOU POST THIS?!?!? THIS?!!!!!!!?

   elliewilliams but u look so pretty

      yourusername CHOKE ily

         elliewilliams I love YOU

dina_nolastname my wife is so gorg

   elliewilliams back off?

      yourusername LADIES LADIES theres enough of me to go around

jessesucks cute ig

joelmmm You found a good one babygirl! 

   elliewilliams DAMN RIGHT I DID

e: hey i love you

a: i love you too

a: u lose ur key again?

e: …

a: ffs come over good god

e: already here!

a: R U IN MY KITCHEN??!

e: ur mom says hi

e: be up in a sec!! snacks!

[adilynnyuri]

my df is wony and I ve been wanting to look like her for 2 years not but nothings rlly changed

Hii love!! 🤍

*sighs*

❀ Babe.... There is no way. NO FUCKING WAY THAT YOU HAVE BEEN "WANTING" TO MANIFEST FOR 2 YEARS😭😭 YOU ALREADY HAVE IT GURL! WHAT DA FUCK DO YA MEAN "I have been wanting to manifest"...... It's like, you have a coffee that you ordered right in front of you, but you are blindfolding yourself and saying "Omg I don't see/have my coffee!?"

❀ You have to TAKE THE FUCKIN BLINDFOLD (LIMITING BELIEFS OR SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T ALIGN WITH YOUR DESIRES) OFF! The coffee which you ordered (your desires) which is already yours and is cutely existing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

❀ So, LOVE PLEASE DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS. YOU HOLD THE POWER. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE CURED CANCER, CREATED NEW PEOPLE INTO THEIR LIFE AND YOU SAYING THAT MANIFESTING DF IS TOUGH😭😭 NO IT'S NOT!!

( I AM NOT JUDGING YOU BABE!! IT'S JUST I WANT MY LOVLIES TO GET Y'ALL STUFFS INSTANTLY!!)

❀ Discipline yourself baby girls/boys🎀

With lots of love,

ADILYNN YURI🤍🌷

[randomfoggytiger]

Collector's Edition: Reworking Requiem and Mulder's Return (Part I)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, Requiem. Dear, sweet, why-you-gotta-do-this-to-me, Requiem.

Here are some old school-y AU fics.

Loose chronological order below~

jeri's (mulderscreek)

Whatever It Takes

The Alien Bounty Hunter came to me in a dream. He told me that he knew I was dying; the abductees from Oregon were victims of the same cancer. He told me that he had offered them a deal, and that he would offer me the same deal: I would be abducted. They would gather some tissue samples for tests. Then they would save me.

Of course, I was skeptical....

He told me Scully was pregnant.

Then I woke up.

Requiem: Mulder went willingly, hoping to be cured of brain cancer for his, Scully's, and the baby's sake.

Forte's (Gossamer) Half an Hour

"What's her chart say?" Mulder demands, oblivious to any need for quiet.

Langly gestures toward the nurse's station and scowls. "They've got her chart back there practically under lock and key," he whispers. "We haven't been able to get a look at it. I hacked into their computer system about an hour ago and there was nothing there for her yet except that she was admitted."

Requiem: Mulder corrals Mulder and TLG into good behavior when Scully is unexpectedly hospitalized.

Namarie's (LJ, mulderscreek)

All I Will Remember (mulderscreek)

I hadn't really worried that he would react to this news with anything but happiness, but it feels wonderful, anyway. I am so glad that he's here right now... wherever here is.

Almost as if he has heard this last thought, Mulder sighs and reluctantly lets go of me. "Well, I think we should try to figure out where we are."

Post Requiem: Mulder and Scully wake in the forest, disoriented.

Livia Balaban's Cunegund's Restoration (or, The Best of All Possible Worlds, Really) (1/2) and Cunegund's Restoration (or, The Best of All Possible Worlds, Really) (2/2)

It was all very dramatic, with the sun going down behind the ship, brilliant and gleaming orange behind the slowly lowering cherrypicker....

I camped out at the base of the apparatus, looking up into the ship, trying to learn as much as I could from the ground, but I couldn't see anything. It wasn't until the bucket lowered again that I saw the top of Mulder's head peek out from one edge of the circular opening. As soon as his eyes met mine, he leaned all the way forward, and flashed the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. I forgot completely about the press, or the slight hollowing of his cheeks, or the dark circles under his eyes. All I saw was pure joy.

Post Requiem: Scully, TLG, Skinner, Krycek, and Morris Fletcher all rescue Mulder and the Bellefleur captives-- live, on national tv. Mulder has a surprise for Scully, too; but the little family can't catch a break before more Syndicate drama kicks up.

Meredith's (Tumblr) Brave New World

Her hand gravitated toward the Fruit & Fiber, but stalled inches from the box when an old memory surfaced of Mulder joking about her "nuts and twigs" breakfast. What would Mulder choose? She thought hard, but couldn't come up with anything. She'd never seen him eat cereal. He might not even like cereal.

She tamped down a wave of sadness. She knew him so well, and yet not at all. When she pulled him back to this world, their new lives would be uncharted territory, spent either together or apart. She tried not to admit the latter was a possibility.

Post Requiem: Scully stays within 50 miles of Bellefleur where she works and waits for Mulder's return.

aka Jake/aka 'Jake'/aka_Jake's

So This is Agent Mulder... (Gossamer)

Agent Mulder smells...bad. The odor reminds me of a place I visited years ago, back when I was serving warrants -- a torched animal shelter. You don't forget a stench like that. Burnt hair. Cooked flesh. Animal excrement. The whole building reeked. The same terrible air of death clings to Mulder now and the stink sets my teeth on edge.

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned 8 weeks later, determined to leave again to help the Rebels. Doggett, more than anyone, gets it.

Widow Orphan (Gossamer)

"Bill was my second husband." She could see this news surprised him. He nodded, eyebrows rising toward his hairline while she continued. "I married a man, a boy actually, named John Parker when I was seventeen. I married him because I was pregnant. Don't look so shocked, Fox. Unmarried girls get caught all the time."

"I'm not judging."

She leveled a glare at him. You better not be, young man. You've got a little surprise of your own waiting back at home.

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned to Maggie's house, insisting she go on the run with him. Turns out, she's rather good at duck-and-diving.

Lara Means's (Ao3) Rescue Mission 01 and Rescue Mission 03 - Comrades

She turns back toward the jet's doorway and extends her hand, then he comes out to join her at the top of the stairs.

Mulder.

Now it's real.

He's thin, too thin. And he looks weak. Scully slides an arm around his waist and he drapes his arm around her shoulder -- he has a cane in his other hand. Together they move slowly down the steps, helping each other.

Post Requiem: Krycek and Scully rescue Mulder from Ellen's Airforce Base.

spookycc's At What Price?

"*What* does he need?" she pushed.

"As I said," Cancerman went on calmly, "Something *we* cannot provide him with."

"Tell me," Scully asserted.

"Something only *you* possess."

Post Requiem: Scully sacrifices her baby to save Mulder's life.

Avalon's In Dreams

She shut the drawer, still holding the picture, and set it on top of the dresser, pulling the little stand out from behind it to prop it up. It looked nice, she thought, sitting there next to the picture of Mulder and Samantha. It looked like it belonged.

Post Requiem: Mulder's psychic childhood friend drops in to help Scully find Mulder.

Jen's (mulderscreek) and Lauren's (mulderscreek) Introspection: Return

Her hands turned to ice at that moment as she greedily drank in the message.

"He's at Georgetown Memorial, Scully, I feel it. We sent Byers to check it out. Hope you're awake to hear this."

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned four months later, chipped. Acting on a hunch, Scully takes hers out, realizing it had, somehow, glitched.

Vulpecula (Vulpecula 01 - 08 and Vulpecula 09 -14) and Phoenicia (Phoenicia 01 - 05)

And then, he's there. His head bobs lightly with his familiar gait, and his eyes seem to be searching for something. For someone?

I start walking toward him, and he turns away from me, still looking. I begin running, and I hear my voice calling out his name. He spins around, his eyes wide with surprise, and then our eyes lock. His face splits into an enormous smile, and he starts running towards me with, I'm sure, the same desperation that I'm feeling.

Post Requiem: Scully limps by with the support of her whole family; and runs into Jose Chung, Phoebe Green, and even Gibson Praise before Mulder's return. When he does, happier endings unfold from there.

Mummy Dearest

Slowly but surely, the bandages were removed. Scully was immeasurably relieved to see his legs again; they were still nicely tanned and scar-free. He was even free of the scar from the bullet that got him all those years ago. Scully thought that was a bit odd, but didn't really care too much.

Post Requiem, Crack: Mulder is returned, wrapped up in bandages.

Lolabeegood's (mulderscreek) Five Months Lost (Gossamer)

"Okay, before that…how did you get here?" she said as she looked him over for strange markings.

"Scully, you're starting to scare m…"

"Mulder!" she snapped.

"Here in the bedroom here?"

"Here in my apartment here!" she snapped.

"I have a key, remember?" Mulder looked at her strangely.

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned, five months later, with false memories.

T. Griffen's Faith

All I wanted was to be alone, to grieve and feel ill in the solitude of my apartment, but Mom turned this into the event of the year. A large party was planned for December twenty- third, with every Scully and Harper family member known to man in attendance, and then just the immediate family on Christmas Day.

Post Requiem: Scully trudges along, trying to keep up her faith, while finding surprising sources of support and comfort from her family (and Mulder, after his return.)

Ten's (xffics) A Fuller Canvas

The man in the bed felt his breathing and heart quicken, and not just because of the details filling his mind.

Scully.

He knew who he was and he knew who she was.

And she was pregnant.

Mulder was very glad that he was lying down. It saved a shocked collapse.

Requiem: Mulder is returned 6 months later; and takes a peek before Scully can break her news to him.

Ambress's Tidings

Scully thought she would crack in two when, in the car, Mulder put his head down on her shoulder. She had sat in the back with him without thinking about it. At first, she thought he was asleep, but then she caught the flash of light reflecting off his open eyes in the rearview mirror.

He was watchful, prepared for fight or flight.

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned, mute and barely responsive, in a park bathroom. Scully helps coax him back to himself.

Lorri's (mulderscreek) Wait Until Your Father Gets Home and Your Father Came Home (MC) and Your Father's Child (MC)

I call Skinner every hour until he can tell me when Mulder will be home. His plane won't arrive until nearly noon, but I am dressed and waiting for him by 6 a.m. At 7:15 my phone rings again. I answer it and hear a long pause, then "Scully it's me." I feel like I am going to pass out. My arm instantly drops to my belly and I cradle you in an unconscious gesture. Mulder tells me he is on the airplane, on his way home. There are so many things to ask him, but they can all wait. Right at this moment all I can do is savor the sound of my name in his voice. "Hurry," I tell him. "Hurry."

Post Requiem: Scully talks to her baby as the months bleed into one another, Mulder flies home, and her due date fast approaches.

Alcott's Exit

Mulder was in tears now, wrapping his arms tightly around his body, retreating deeper.

...There was no response.

"Listen to me," Byers said, with more firmness than he felt. "Are you listening? If you want to see her, you have to get better first. Do you understand?"

Byers was desperate; he had no idea how he'd arrange him to see her. But the spark in Mulder's dead eyes seemed to make the deception worth it.

Post Requiem: TLG are able to intercept and retrieve a wounded Mulder right before Scully goes into labor. Reluctantly, they figure out a way to work him into the secret plan.

Lee Burwasser's (mulderscreek) Quis Custodiet (1/2) and Quis Custodiet (2/2) (mulderscreek)

At last Langly sat back and angled the laptop to give Mulder a view of it. The rest got up to gather behind the two. There was a crude figure in robes and long hair behind a tall rectangle with a shorter one beside it. Langly did something with the cursor that made the robed figure flash. Mulder looked from the flashing figure to Langly, who made a solemn face and mimed banging with a gavel. Mulder nodded.

...Langly sat down and moved the black-circle figure back to its table. Another figure from the opposite table then moved to take its place. Now Byers got to loom over Frohike and do the bridge guardian routine. When Byers sat down, Langly restored the figures to their places and glanced at Mulder, who nodded and punched the blond's shoulder. Then he looked around, finally went over to Scully's desk and brought the desk calendar back to show to Scully. He riffled the sheets and gave her an eloquently questioning look. Scully spread her hands and tapped the judge figure. Mulder nodded again, shrugged resignation and put the calendar down.

Langly flung up his hands. "Ya got it."

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned with aphasia; and Scully fights tooth and nail to prevent his relative from winning caretaker rights in court.

ML/ML_is_me’s (Ao3, Gossamer, DW, Invidiosa) 

Another Gray Morning, Transfigured Night, Comes the Dawn, and Beloved Protector

"HOW IS SHE?" Mulder repeated loudly. When Skinner didn't reply right away, he added, "What aren't you telling me?"

Then all at once, he *knew*. "Scully had a baby, didn't she?" he said slowly, words and images forming in his mind as he spoke.

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned a year later, face first in the dirt. Skinner and TLG find him, and decide to surprise Scully without forewarning.

The Secret Language of Babies

I couldn't even be with her during the delivery.... The best I could do was an audio monitor from the delivery room....

When I heard Will's squall for the first time, I cried. In front of Skinner and everything. I think he was crying, too. He took his glasses off and polished them vigorously, turning away from me as he did so.

When they finally brought Scully and the baby to see me, I cried again. But that was in front of Scully, and she's seen me cry before. I wanted to touch them both so badly I would have broken the thick glass separating us with my own hands. But at the time, I could barely lift my head from the pillow.

Post Requiem: Mulder reminisces on his return, slow recovery, and happy reunion.

Age Cannot Wither and Nor Custom Stale

Washington, DC, is one of the last stops they make before their ultimate destination. All of the usual monuments are there, plus more. The Esplanade and all the other open areas display more statuary and symbolic sculptures and fountains than ever before.

The most meaningful monuments to them are the personal ones. Scully directs Mulder to a small park he remembers from years ago. This is where Melissa Scully is buried, and now so is Margaret Scully. The surprise to him is that Walter Skinner also has a stone nearby.

"He could have been buried at Arlington," Mulder says.

"He wanted to be among friends," Scully replies simply. She wordlessly points out another stone, a small obelisk with three names inscribed on it....

It's not until later that it occurs to Mulder that there is no stone for their son, and by then he's unwilling to bring it up. He can see that this trip is already taking a toll on Scully.

Post Requiem: Scully is immortal-- watching her son grow up, live a life like his father's, grow old, and die-- until Mulder suddenly appears, barely aged, in a Bellefleur hospital.

Invisivellum's (Tumblr) Surreal Thing (MC)

I studied him carefully, letting Scully's words settle down like rain upon me. I knew that, if I stayed silent for a moment, she would explain. I chewed on my lower lip and focused on the baby. He was still trying with all his might to drag my hand closer to his open mouth.

I looked at his eyes.

I blinked, put my finger under his chin and tilted his face up so I could have a better look. He raised fine reddish brows at me and clamped his mouth down on the knuckle of my thumb. Something about his eyes...

I think I stopped breathing.

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned 15 months later, waking to Scully and a baby that, he assumes, is another Emily.

mrkeller/Mary Ruth Keller's (FFN) Lux Perpetua

"Don't try to move too fast, you've been unconscious for a week now."

She seemed *more* than content. His partner was distinctly at ease. As more memories flooded back, he seemed to know the reason why. "Motherhood suits you, Scully."

"What?" She had cocked her head at him.

Post Requiem: Mulder returned a year later to no baby, an expanded X-Files office, and Scully promoted as its A.D.

Ellie/EllieL's The Rusted Wheel of Things

Scully pulled away, turning to sit between him and the cocoa, handing him his cup just as four girls, all with hair in braids and bows terribly similar to the dog's stylings, marched into the living room, led by Hannah.

"Mommy, where's the Ouija board?"

Mulder did his best to stifle a laugh, unsure of whether he found their hair or the question funnier. 

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned 7 years later to an adoring little ballerina.

Keleka's Heart Turned Inwards 01 and Heart Turned Inwards 02

"Agent Mulder, I'm Dr. Andrew Scully. I'm the doctor who admitted you."

Mulder was confused for a moment and then realized the mistake. "Oh, I meant Dr. Dana Scully. My partner at the FBI. Is she here?"

Dr. Scully said nothing for a moment and then stepped away to pull the curtain around the bed, offering them some privacy. He pulled up a stool and sat down next to the bed.

Post Requiem: Scully waits 30 years for Mulder-- but he's actually found by his son.

Shoshana's Almost Home (4/4)

Ironically, Mulder hadn't ended up in any medical facility they'd been monitoring; he'd hitchhiked his way to Portland, flying home in a comfortable jet. He'd been shell shocked the entire way home, gazing with disbelief at the date on all the newspapers he could muster.

His worries had been far from over, of course. Life had thrown him another curve ball on top of his seemingly extreme case of amnesia--a red-headed partner three months shy of her due date.

Post Requiem: Mulder is returned with a few handicaps and mild amnesia; but other than that, he makes a recovery in time for quick wedding prep and another Syndicate kidnapping.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[prodbymaui]

Phantom Limb (Equidistant)

did we come close to having it all?

PAIRING: jeong jaehyun x you

GENRE: slice of life; the hows of us

TEASER WC: 848 words

SYNOPSIS: Between the distance of sorrys and goodbyes, where does 'us' lies?

RELEASE DATE: October 30, 2023

TAGLIST: open !! (you can send an ask or comment your usn)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: if you have questions, you can send an ask. and NO, I didn't re-write the whole movie and replaced Jaehyun's name. the teaser is just a teaser and the actual fic will have a lot more which will be different from the movie.

YOU WERE YOUNG.

''Hmm this is how it feels when you've finally bought something with your own money, huh, Jo?''

''Jo? Is that the name of your ex or side chick?''

''What.. No.'' Jaehyun chuckles. ''Jo in scottish means darling, sweetheart–.. beloved.''

''Pfft, fine. I like that. Jo..''

YOU DREAMED TOGETHER.

''When we're both finally stable and successful in life, wouldn't you be arrogant?''

''Arrogant? Why would I be?''

''Because your boyfriend is the world's most famous singer.''

His imaginations emit a hearty scoff from you. ''Then you're arrogant by then as well.''

''Uh-huh, and why is that?''

''Because your girlfriend, the president of your fansclub, is the doctor who found cures to cancers and rare diseases.''

''And I would be so proud of you when that happens.''

''Someday, love.''

''Someday, Jo.''

THERE WERE UPS.

''Happy birthday, the love of my life!''

''Thank you so much, baby! You didn't have to!''

''Uh-uh, I have to and I want to. You've been juggling studying and working at the same time and I know it has been hard. A great woman like my love only deserves the best of the bests.''

''You're such a sap. I love you, Jeong.''

''I love you, Jo. So much that it hurts.''

THERE WERE DOWNS.

''Jaehyun? Could you maybe wash the dishes before you go? I'm just really short of time.''

''I'm sorry, Jo, but I need to go. All the guys are there and you know how they go when practicing by themselves.''

''Oh.. I'll do the dishes. You take care, hmm?''

''Dude, are you tone-deaf? You're literally fucking out of tune.''

''What do you mean, bro? I think it sounds fine.''

''No, no, you're not fucking hitting the right note. You know what? Get out.''

''Jaehyun–''

''Get the fuck out of my house. What the fuck is happening to musicians nowadays? If they're not taking it seriously, they're fucking tone-deaf.''

''Love, maybe you should rest first.. ?''

YET YOUR LOVE WAS STRONGER.

''Girl, be honest with me. Are you still studying? Your life before used to be all about studying, studying, studying, and a sprinkle of Jaehyun. But now it's all Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun.''

''Rosé, come on. You know we're still waiting for Jaehyun's biggest break. After that, I can focus back on studying.''

''And if that break doesn't happen?''

''Don't be so negative!''

STORMS AFTER STORMS.

''Hello? Do you know anyone named Jeong Jaehyun?''

''Hi, yes. That's my boyfriend. May I ask why you're calling from his phone?''

''You might wanna pick him up, he's dead drunk, been here since last night and won't leave. I'll just text the address from his number, I guess.''

''A-alright, I'm so sorry for the inconvenience–''

''Oh, and you might want to bring extra cash with you. His 7k bill is not yet paid, not even a penny.''

''Rosé–''

''Where the fuck are you? You can't miss this exam!''

''I-I'm coming, I just.. Jaehyun– fuck, he's–''

''Fuck him! Just leave him alone! A few minutes left and we're gonna start. This is a bar exam, get that shit inside your head! Get your ass here if you don't want all your efforts to go to waste.''

''Rosé..''

''Please, you don't deserve this. Think about all those nights you stayed up to study. I'm sure Jaehyun will understand..''

''I.. Okay– okay, I'm coming.''

''I love you, best friend. Jaehyun will understand, okay?''

You cradle Jaehyun's face in your hands, brushing his hair out of his face as if your own isn't a mess along with the tears running. Jaehyun looks through the hazy film of his eyes, he sobs with you.

''I'm sorry, love. I'm so so sorry– God– I'm sorry. Just this one time, please? Just this once, I need to take this exam. I'll call Eunwoo to pick you up.''

Giving one last kiss on your lover's forehead, you quickly catch a taxi and close the door on Jaehyun's face. You bury your face in your hands as you stifle your sobs. Maybe you can stop worrying. Eunwoo will pick him up, he's Jaehyun's best friend.

AND YOU WONDER..

But as you turn your head, Jaehyun with his clothes wrinkled lays on the cold ground, in his own pool of vomit. As he meets your eyes, he starts reaching out to you. For you.

You're just a lover. One that has so much love for Jeong Jaehyun.

The tires screech as you plead stop to the taxi driver, giving him the last of your money before running towards your boyfriend who's grunting and murmuring.

Your heart hurts at the worst state you've ever seen Jaehyun. The ache only gets unbearable as you take him in your arms and carry all his weight. Your heart.. it's as if being squeezed a thousand times, getting pricked with thorns.  

''Just leave him alone!'' Rosé's voice rings in your head.

''I'm sorry.. I can't.'' You whisper an apology. Not to anyone, no.

Because as you fix Jaehyun, clean Jaehyun, tuck him in bed– no one deserves an apology from you more than yourself.

IS IT ALL WORTH IT?

[haveyoulistenedtothisalbum-poll]

Tracklist:

40 Years Super Hot Body Ready for Party • Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo Libra and Scorpio Sagittarius Capricorn Aquarius Pisces Fart Song • Butterflies Scared My Cat When I Was Burping in Your Face on Wednesday Morning • Drunk Log out with Spooky Music Settings on My Firm Tits Pictures • Grandpa Says Fuck While Grandma Screams What Repeated Several Times • Grumpy Trumpy Python Toddler Taxi with False News and Emotions • Hugging Blood Thirsty Vampires with a Transylvanian Accent and Slapped Butts • I Farted as an Official Statement Against Global Warming, Expressing My Worries! • I’m Handsome When Wearing a Bag on My Head, Said the Horny Motherfuckers Politely • Is That Cellulite or Just Your Ugly Face? • Kindergarten Farting Fanfare Discussed with Disgusting Asian Clay Warriors Terracotta Song • Leaking Ladies Xylophone Solo Learning with Lusty Lashes Song • Lisping on Penis Peyote Creaking Mirth Radio, Let’s Lisp! Song • Lowering My Filthy Boobs to the Height of Your Curly Chest Hair with Freckles • Mom’s Cleaning Closet Looks Like a Women’s Porn Stash • My Gay Expense Combination Password Gore Seeking Battle Was Sinning • My Hangover Got Hung over by a Hung Guy from Hungary • My Horoscope Sign Is Poop and Yours Is Farts • Nearly Touching Myself with Your Girlfriend’s Hands While Doing the Dishes • Peeing a Farting Swearing Shouting and Pooping in Different Languages Made Me Famous Song • Petite Girls Liked My Fat Farts in Skinny Jeans with Justice • Pooping a Masterpiece in the Little Boys Room on National TV Broadcast • Puerto Del Penis Summer Holiday with Topless Sun Bathing and Surfing Fun • Puking Girls Are Holding Each Others Hair While Selling Butter to Pregnant Vomiting Men • Real Sharks Was a Great Accessory for My Swimming Pool Party Massacre • Relaxing Music for Penis Boys and Vagina Girls, I Have Money Cash, Yes! • Rescuing My Penis from Your Vagina at the Last Minute, Whoah! • Scary Music and Naked Ladies Cemetery Collection Flickering Through Growth • Shaking Sausages in the Men’s Room and Dangling Coconuts • Short Temper Anus Removal with Lipstick on the Collar • Shouting Poopers to Girls While a Crying Man Is Pooping Poop, How Adorable Screaming Babies Are! • Silly Talking Childish Macho Man Thanking Prayers for God’s Food Yes Hello! • Skinny Bitch, Fat Bitch, Rich Bitch, Poor Bitch, All Bitches Poop! • Smelling That Pussy in the Air at the Private Night Club Farting Room • Smudging Chocolate over the Toilet, So Everyone Would Think I Pooped • Sneaking Beans into Your Butthole While U Talk to a Handsome Stranger • Snuggling in Satan’s Satin Sheets with Shattered Dreams and No Boner Song • Solitary Fighting My Big Toe with the Desolate Strangler • Spoiling Desert by Pulling Your Finger Thirteen Times in a Row • Strolling with Morning Wood in the Woods While Mourning to This Song • Stutter and Chinese Food Destroyed My Artwork in the Toilet Bowl Coffee Shop • Sunny Morning Boner at the Beach Gym Towel Rental Song • Surprisingly Soft Boobs on the Milf Statue in the Garden of Jugs, Oh It Was Your Mom Sorry! •

Taming My Daughter’s Boyfriend with Booze and Fists of Agony • Teleporting My Cock to the Urinals Hurts When Peeing Penis Action • That Penis Is Not Mine, Stop Accusing Me of Curing Your Cancer! What • The Brothel Cup Cake Dispenser Had a Variety of Chocolate Brownies Too • The Giggling Killer Was Invited for Tea and Mustard with a Former Laughing Idiot • The Headache Fuckers with Migraine Were Chopping Fucking Painkillers • The Itchy Vampire Vagina Was a Gothic Curse from Medieval Times Song • The Lying Bitch Hermit Ducking Group Was Insisting on Bitch Slaps • The Penis Teens Shouting Squad Declared War on the Vagina Milfs Departure • The Pussy Cock Was Meowing and Cock-a-Doodle-Dooing with Glance • The Singing Orgy Group Remembered My Fancy Birthday Party, Super! • The Sock on My Penis Shook the Genuine Spokesman While Crying Song • The Syphilis Motown Singers Were Blowing Deranged Adultery at Me Song • The Toy Collector’s Mature Attitude Otter Raised Homeland Security Breach • The Triangle of Pussy and Clipping Smoothies Burping Smootch • Typical Asian Food Poured into the Purse of an European Hooker Prostitute Igloo • Under Water Farting Wiz Nick Y Minaj Naked Twerking Shower Saloon Barf Thong • Updating My Profile Picture While Pooping Macaroni with Japanese Subtitles • Using Mother´s Panther Underwear Because of Broken Shopping Bag to the Store • Washing Hamburgers with Dirty Sauce in Leather Pants While Howling • What Ugly Shit on Your Finger! Oh, It’s Your Wedding Ring? It’s Very Nice! • Whistling and Farting a Heavenly Polyphonic Song for Dying Virgins • Violin Licking Sounds by a Hard Baritone Dick Song Licker • Young Girls Selling Old Men´s Boxers in Thongs with Soulful Tutti-Frutti • Your Butthole Swallowed My Telephone, Will It Come out from the Mouth Then? • Your Mom´s Butt Massage Seems Innocent at First, Before Handing out Religious Leaflets

Spotify ♪ Youtube

[bluecollarchub]

Switcheroo (originally story I posted on CYOC in 2015. Bit dated and my first time writing but thought i would share)

Dean was rich.  Fabulously rich.  And he loved it.  At 30 years old, he had amassed a fortune larger than most men had by the time they died.  He lived in a Pent House in NYC, surrounded by anything and everything he had ever wanted.  Gorgeous men flocked to him, eager to please him in return for whatever favors he might give.  Tall, muscular, with abs found only on the most determined athlete, he was certainly a physical specimen to be admired.

Now, Dean was not always like this.  At 18, he was a Journalism major at some crappy state school (he’d worked hard to forget the name, embarrassed it wasn’t Ivy League).  Poor, with few friends.  And fat.  Did I mention fat?  Average height, oily skin, pale, doughy body.  He was the farthest thing from a stud imaginable. 

One day, Dean decided to switch majors.  He realized he had no hope of being on Broadway and Journalism not only frightened him, but he realized there was no money to made in it.  As he got older, he realized money was the most important thing for him.  He wanted money.  Lots of it.  So, switching to a Business Major, he began the process of making money.  And he came up with a brilliant idea, as so many young men do, patenting the idea and making millions from it.  With those millions, he decided to change himself.  He wanted to be happy.  And he wasn’t happy being fat and pale and oily.  So he worked out.  He got the best doctors money could buy for his skin.  He hired the best trainers.  He hired the best tailors and the best hairdressers.  Finally, he was good looking enough to appear on the cover of GQ—which he did when he was 27. 

Gone was the pasty skin, replaced with a dark golden tan.  Gone was the flabby waist, replaced with hard abs.  Gone was the oily, pimply skin, replaced with skin smooth as a baby’s bottom and clear as the ocean.  He was an Adonis…and he knew it.  He treated everyone like dirt beneath his feet and he got away with it because he was rich and beautiful.  He had everything he could possibly want.  And he liked it. 

One day, during his annual physical, he was greeted with some horrible news:

“You’re dying, Dean.”

“What?!”

“You’re dying.”

“That’s impossible, Victor.  I’m 30 years old and in the best shape of my life.”

“Tell that to the cancer.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I can and I am.  You have a severe form of cancer and it’s spreading through your body at an accelerated rate.”

“How long?”

“A year, at the most.”

“What can we do about this?”

“Nothing, Dean.  You can’t stop it.”

“Victor, price is no object.  Do whatever it takes.”

“I’m sorry, Dean, but-“

“NOW!  Find a cure, find it NOW.”

“Okay, Dean.  Okay.  If that’s what you want.”

“Of course it is, I don’t want to die.”

“There is an experimental treatment the government has been working on.  It’s designed for Bush, to keep him in office forever.”

“I don’t care how my contributions to his campaign are being spent.  How does this help me?”

“It’s brain transfer.”

“What?”

“Brain transfer.  You can transfer your brain to another person’s body.”

“This isn’t Star Trek, Victor.  Get with the picture.”

“I’m serious, Dean.  I can switch your brain with someone else’s, give you a new life, a new chance to live again.”

“And lose all my money?  I think not.  I’d rather die, first.”

“You’re going to, if you don’t take this opportunity.”

“I’ll lose everything.”

“No, you can sign everything over to your new body, give him all your money, your life, everything.”

“Who am I going to find that will be dumb enough to trade?”

“Anyone, you’ve got a dozen and one rent boys that would kill to be in your body.  You don’t have to tell them the truth.”

“That’s true.  You’re right.  You’re a genius, Victor.”

“I know.”

The next day, Dean walked around his pent house, looking at the young men that were always by his side.  Maybe David?  No.  Maybe Sal?  No, too Jewish.  He wouldn’t be Jewish.  Vince?  Yes, Vince.  Vince had perfect hair and a naturally smooth body.  He was exactly what he was looking for.  Abs not as tight as Dean might want, but that was fixable. 

“Vince, I have a proposition for you.”

“What is it, Dean?”

“How would you like to have my body?”

“What?”

“I am looking to become younger, and I was wondering if you would like to swap bodies with me?”

“Are you high, Dean?”

“No, Vince, I’m perfectly serious.”

“I could be you, really?”

“Yes, Vince.  Really.”

“Shit, yeah.  I’ll do it.  But why do you want to give up being you?”

“My life isn’t a challenge anymore.  I want to start over.”

Lucky he’s an idiot, Dean thought. 

Dean arranged everything with the lawyers.  All of his money and belongings would be given to Vince—or the body of Vince, with Dean inside—the day after the operation.

“Don’t worry, Dean.  Everything will be okay.  When you wake up, you’ll be in a disease free body.”  Victor lowered the gas mask onto Dean’ face.

******

Dean woke up.  All was dark.  Where am I, he thought.  Oh yeah.  Holy Shit!  I’m in Vince’s body.  I’m in a new body.

He felt so weak, so tired and so weak.  After years of feeling so strong, this was a frightening change.  He didn’t realize Vince was so weak.  Even the act of lifting his arms took more effort than he had expected.  Struggling to sit up was an effort, too.  It felt like something was sitting on his stomach.  He was finally able to sit up and he hopped off the table.  Feeling around for a light switch, he bumped into a garbage can, making him shout in pain.  The cool air from the air conditioner gave him a chill and he realized he was naked.  He scratched his chest, feeling hair.  Wait…there shouldn’t be hair.  Vince was smooth.  Did he shave?

The lights suddenly came on. 

“Good morning.”

Dean turned to the sound of the voice.  He saw the ugliest man he’d ever seen standing before him.  He was naked for some reason.  “Put some clothes on, you hideous fucker.”  Dean’ voice sounded strange, not like Vince’s at all.  More of a southern drawl.

The naked man looked confused.  He was short, maybe 5 feet tall if he were lucky.  He had a scruffy beard and was almost bald on top with a fringe on the sides.  He was fat, not fat, gargantuan.  He had the makings of a third chin.  His dull eyes were squinty, piggish.  His head sat on top of his shoulders, his neck consumed by fat.  Hair covered his chest, back and shoulders and his short arms hung heavily by his sides.  Manboobs larger than most supermodel’s hung to the sides of his chest, sacks of dough resting on top of a giant stomach that covered his groin completely.  Stout, flabby legs covered in dark hair touched all the way to the knee. 

“What do you think?”  The voice said again.

“What are you talking about?”

“What do you think of you?”

Dean realized that was a mirror in front of him, not a man.  Not Vince.  Some fat, ugly man.       

“What have you done to me?”

“What’s wrong, Dean.  You told Vince you wanted to be young so you could have a challenge for your life again.  Well, you’re 20 years old and I’d say you have quite the challenge before you.”

Victor stepped into the room. 

“Victor, how could you do this to me?”

“How could you think about stealing some poor kid’s life and letting him die?”

“You switched Vince out with this…this…”

“Careful, Dean.  And yes, I did.  It was all my idea.  Mine, Vince’s, and your lawyer’s.”

“You mean…”

“That’s right, Dean.  All your money is being split four ways.  Every last million.”

“Four?”

“You don’t think we’d let poor Malcolm be poor, do you?”

“Who?”

“Malcolm Franks.  Your new body.”

“He’s going to die though.”

“He will die someday, yes.  But if you mean soon, then that would only happen if he really did have cancer.”

“What?”

“I tricked you, Dean.  Malcolm, I should say.”

“Why?”

“Why?  Because you’re rich.  You’re rich and spoiled and frankly, you’re an asshole.  You thought you could buy everything you wanted.  Well, you can’t anymore.”

“What am I going to do now?”

“Well, I imagine you’re going to go to work tomorrow, and go home tonight, to Malcolm’s nice, cozy home.  It’s a bit different than what you are used to, but you should feel right at home.  All assholes feel comfortable in trailers.”

“What?”

“You live in a trailer park at the edge of town.  Alone.  Not married, not family.  And you are a janitor at the local high school.  No college for you, Dean.  Malcolm dropped out at 16.  Yeah, you have definitely got quite a challenge before you.  But, you’re young again.  And, no cancer.  That’s exactly what you wanted.”

Victor tossed Dean a bundle of clothes.

“Get dressed, I’m sick of looking at that tubby body.”  He started to leave.  “Oh, you’re still gay, by the way.  But good luck topping anyone in that body.  Or finding anyone to date you at all, looking like you do and with no money.  You’re going to have to learn to be a little nicer from now on if you don’t want to end up alone.”

He walked out.  Dean began to cry.  All his money, all his hard work, gone, replaced with Malcolm, the fat janitor.  He was going to be stuck in high school, forever, watching all the little assholes graduate and go on to bigger and better things while he was stuck in his dead end job. 

He put on the smelly wife beater and the stained briefs.  He started to cry as he saw his penis in the mirror…he couldn’t even see it looking down.  What was once 9 inches had become 2 at best.  He had a tight foreskin with a long overhang but his mighty dick was gone, forever.  He pulled on the briefs and then the torn jeans.  The ratty sneakers followed. 

He was now poor.  And fat.  And he had bad skin, the pimples on his face were proof of that.  He had come full circle.  Only, this time, there was no hope for him.  He didn’t have the money to pay the doctors and the trainers.  He didn’t have the opportunity to go to college.  He was Malcolm, and he was always going to be Malcolm.  Fat, hairy.  Baby dick. 

He walked out of the room, staring at the laughing faces of Victor, Vince, his lawyer…and his body…his old body.  He had it all.  He had everything he had ever wanted.  And his selfishness had taken it all away.  He walked out of the hospital, walking towards his new life, his new place in society.  Gone were his endless parties.  His hordes of men wanting him to fuck them.  He was a grunt now. 

And he knew, as he waddled down the street, that’s all he ever would be.    

[cometcrystal]

for the anon earlier. some random pnf headcanons 💯 i might have talked about some of these before but i'll take any chance to talk about stuff i like

i've DEFINITELY talked about this one before but as adults phineas and isabella are divorced besties with a son. they love each other soooo much but the romance part just didn't really work.

yall also already know i hc jeremy as bi but i find it worth mentioning because it was one of my first lgbt headcanons EVER after i figured out i could do that. buford and baljeet were probably first.

eliza and nicolette are endgame. do you see my vision

it doesn't matter to the show whatsoever but i do have ideas for what happened to mr flynn and mrs fletcher. in my timeline mr flynn was abusive and linda left him when she was pregnant with phineas, and mrs fletcher died at some point. idk how. ferb was too young to remember her. i have not worked out how close she and lawrence were but she had green hair

phineas and ferb cure multiple cancers in 10th grade and make the patents open-source

one of my early internet friends turned the drummer in jeremy's band into an oc named hugo.... he was in a situationship with jenny that lasted well past their 30s

speaking of jenny i think she and django disappeared for a bit because their rich artist dad took them to. like. greece or something. for the remainder of the summer and theyre just living their best life on a veranda on the other side of the planet until the school year starts

phineas, ferb, and baljeet COULD graduate VERY early but they purposely stay in the same grade as their friends because they love them. once the acts/sats/ap exams come around though its over for you hoes.

candace and stacy went to horse camp (a week long program during the summer teaching kids to ride horses) every summer until high school. at which point they decided it was For Babies. but they're both still horse girls deep down.

since we know that jeremy has liked candace longer than she's liked him, i think he was a really shy kid. he was too nervous to even look at her some days. when she gave him that pencil that one time, he didn't even say anything. he broke out of his shell later and became a friendly young man but candace still made him nervous. etc etc.

xavier and fred are movie buffs. they're usually logging one film per day. if letterboxd still exists on the future their profiles would be legendary.

jeremy picked the name fred. he was fine with candace already having names picked out, but once they found out they were having twins, she texted him a link to a baby name website and told him to pick his favorite. He picked Fred.

jeremy has written an entire album about candace and its all shit that sounds like Chasing Cars and candace LOVES IT

stacy interning at owca is how she meets her girlfriend vanessa and also how she meets her future wife in uruguay

buford and isabella have ice cream romcom sleepovers and nobody else is invited this is THEIR bonding time

IN MY TIMELINE JEREMY AND COLTRANE WERE AT THE ROBOT RIOT IN THE ORANGE TREEHOUSE ROBOT WHILE CANDACE AND STACY WERE IN THE PINK ONE. #COPING

sometimes the flynn fletcher kids would spend entire days at the antique shop before candace was old enough to watch the boys

this isn't really a headcanon but i want to see some isabella and jeremy bro moments. Because of In love with #TwoCrazyRedheads

Thats the only ones i can think of right now. My hands are shaking

[andypantsx3]

hi andie!

do u have any tips for corporate girlies? my friend is starting out in the corp world !! and got a lot of reality checks over how harsh and 'corporate' it is :((

Ohhhhh my god yeah corporate culture sucks!! It's just a bunch of adult babies using fancy words tbh lmao, acting like we're going to war and/or curing cancer when we're really just launching a product no one wants or needs lol.

Not sure what industry your friend is or what role she's in but here are some general tips, starting with practical project tips to more personal/sanity check tips lol.

Make sure you understand your organization's goals and success criteria. This is so basic but in order to understand what leadership cares about and how all the different project components fit in, you're going to want to learn what are all the active projects, who owns them, what success is being evaluated on, and how those performance indicators are being calculated. I work with some people who have no idea what is going on (which, fair) but it ends up creating a ton of churn and can look super bad for them if they are not in step with what our corporate overlords expect from them.

Clear communication is key. Never have I ever encountered more communication issues than working in corporate; people often have one image in their head of what a task looks like where their partner teams might have another, and if you don't outline all the key details together, you could end up delivering something unusable. If you're an individual contributor (aka a task doer), make sure you ask clarifying questions of the project leads if they haven't specified (like, what testing environment something needs to be deployed to, what are the release gating procedures, what is the expected timeline, etc). If you're a project manager, make sure you're clarifying those details with stakeholders and passing that information to your team; prompt your team to ask questions even if they seem clear, and make sure you get that info for them ASAP!!

Documentation is crucial. If you make an implementation decision, document it. If you have a delivery, document it. If you have a process for anything, make sure you document it. If you have a meeting, get those notes out. If you have an agreement with stakeholders, make sure you get it in writing and get them to sign off on it!! Information is key to helping other people understand what you are doing, why you are doing it, what the expectations were from other related parties when you started doing it, and how it can be improved if needed. If you're a project lead or manager, start a folder or repository somewhere for all project communications, keep all your emails & slacks with stakeholders (because they will come back being snotheads and you can politely whip out receipts). :3

Be proactive. Observe the kinds of questions leadership asks, understand their concerns & needs. Then proactively make sure you are addressing those things in your work and/or in your reporting. For example, if you're reporting on a release failure in a weekly business review, make sure you call out things like: 1) what you tried to do to prevent failure, 2) what the ultimate blockers or root causes of failure were, 3) what your learnings were from that failure, 4) what you are going to do to fix it, and 5) what the revised ETA is. That way, even though things didn't go your way, leadership understands you are on top of things and proactively working to solve problems.

Understand priorities & tradeoffs. There will come a time where you have conflicting demands on your time. Work with your manager or org leadership to understand what projects are higher priorities than others, and do not be afraid to escalate to your manager or above if progress is threatened or if you need to clarify. For example, Project A is high priority and Project B is medium priority, but the project manager from Project B is all up in your business asking you to deliver something or investigate something that you don't know if you have time for. Loop in your manager to determine if someone else can take Project B, or inform them that doing B will impose these anticipated risks to A; are they comfortable with that? Then you can circle back to Project B to deliver the news that you're working on A, your manager has suggested this revised timeline or other POC they can work with, and if they have concerns they can escalate. (Usually this shuts ppl up :3)

Improve processes. I cannot emphasize this enough but try to think about how to do things better the next time around, even if things went solidly to plan. Do not get defensive about your work or the quality of your work; always be thinking (or asking other people) about how time could be cut off of something, what processes could be put in place to minimize touchpoints or decrease risks. If you can, try to impose this mindset on your team & ask for project retrospectives, and take specific action items out of those retrospectives! Trust me it makes things so much clearer and easier in the long run if you work to make things better over time!!

Get a mentor. Find someone who has the job you want to have or who seems to know the things you want to know about and ask them to work with you on that! Tell them what your goal is, whether to develop a special skill set to move roles, or develop a specific understanding of a project or concept, and ask them to help you develop a plan to get there. Set up regular time together and goals to work towards in that time. This helps you learn things faster and gives you someone who can vouch for you when it comes time for yearly feedback, role changes, or promotions.

Create a personal portfolio. Keep track of all the things that you do; all the projects you are on, what your role is, what you were responsible for delivering, and what resources you created as part of that, whether it's project wikis, some script, etc. Keep your manager aware of it so they understand your value and have visibility on your work; you can leverage this when it comes time for role changes or promotions. Additionally try to make sure you're working on high viz or high value projects; this gives you even more leverage!!

Do not tie your self worth to your performance or your job title. At the end of the day capitalism sucks, corporations are evil, and none of this shit matters. Even if you don't do something well once, you can improve in the future, and even if your company doesn't see it/isn't a good match for your skills, you have value!!! They profit from keeping you underpaid, stressed out, and dejected, but you are not just a 'resource' or a cog in a machine. You are a person; you will make missteps from time to time but you bring more value to this planet and the people on it just by existing than these capitalist enterprises could ever. Do do not burn yourself out trying to please them, keep yourself open to other job options, and make sure you have a good friend/family support structure in place to reality check you!!

Idk how helpful this was but I hope there was a little something in there that your friend could use. If she has specific questions on anything I'm happy to help out too lol; that might give me more idea what specific aspect she is struggling with & how to help!