#'im the Batman. Stop drinking that guy's blood '

[thatflatenedfrogontheroad]

I made a tier list...

please make your own!! I need to see boomer nations opinions on our man!!!! I know the tiers are actually so vile so change them if you desire :)))

OK so my quick blurb on why they are their!! (working worst to best)

28. Identity Crisis #5 - HE WOULD KILL ME FOR THE FUN OF IT. It did bring about the most random rivalry between Tim drake’s fandom and boomer's which is very funny

27. Black Lantern - Oh no… he's back… like a boomerang. Ate his own son... RIP…. L skill issue

26. Sliver Age - Would actually call me a slur and say that I don't deserve rights. He would hate crime me and then solicit me for sex. He looks like he's wearing a dress… what a pretty lady.

25. Flash TV Show - EWWWWWWWW, he though he ate...

24. DC Online - He looks like he would punch me in face at a NYC bus stop

23. White Lantern - Don't look at me like that… stop. He's back from the dead like a boomerang?? Something about most of the New 52 boomerangs don't hit the same. the bride all in white :’)

22. Young Justice - Gave me the ick. You might be thinking... he looks identical to SS hell to pay, why is he down here?? Great question… HE WAS SO CREEPY TO ONE OF THE GIRLS IN YOUNG JUSTICE….. WHO IS A MINOR!

21. Injustice Movie - Just because your in the background… doesn't save you from this list!!!

20. New 52 - Ok he's kinda hot if you look through your peripherals…Why are you wearing skinny jeans… you millennial

19. Harley Quinn TV Show - He's fine… just fine. “We’ll stack out bingo… Boomer loves an older woman” NO HE MUST LOVE ME! I AM VERY VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE

18. Flash: Sins of the Father - Can you please stop talking in the 3rd person… you are starting to sound crazy.

17. Most Wanted - I know jack shit about him. That's probably because he is barely in a comic issues THATS NAMED AFTER HIM!

16. Flash Point Paradox - His fight scene actually ate. I'm a sucker for Boomer being with the Rogues. If cyborg can take his belt off… so can I

15. Suicide Squad 2021 - Wow they somehow gave him even less lines than his first movie. 1. He doesnt look like boomer. 2. His accent is so bad… and hes AUSTRALIAN 3. His acting low key kinda mid 4. They killed off two of the only OG suicide squad members they had on the cast 5. He dies in the first 20min and in the most disrespectful way

14. Suicide Squad 2016 - The only good thing to come from this man is the fanfiction he brought. THIS FUCKING MOVIE MADE HIM A CANON BRONY WHICH I CAN NOT FORGIVE. GET THIS OUT OF MY SMUT BEFORE FREAK THE FUCK OUT >:( Fuck him and pinky too, you son of a bitch!!!! (its not that serious lol... i just want him to stop fucking a toy horse... please guys)

13. This Goober Alien Guy - I know nothing. He just kinda showed up… and I'm not mad just a little confused. He looks like he needs a hot chocolate and a hug :)))) 

12. Lego Batman Movie - Low key an icon. What I would do to get my hands on one of these sets… I would come close to killing someone for it

11. DC Lego Super Villains - If he wasn't Lego I would propose (Shane Dawson style) Once again what I would do for the very discontinued Lego set tie in…

10. Batman: Brave and The Bold - Those cheekbones could cut someone. Why are you wear a mini skirt… take it off ;)

9. Suicide Squad (comic) - Yes I know he was drinking and driving but he's not real so it doesn't count!!! The beginning of the Boomer Mobile! THE GAP TOOTH DUDE!

8. Justice League Unlimited S1 - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ok the hairline is… bad…. But so is mine twin!! I LOVE THAT THEY GAVE HIM PROPER CLOTHES AND NOT RAGS DUDE

7. Agent of Oz - is this picture is my school profile pic...yes… and??HE'S COVERED IN BLOOD AND IM GIGGLING!!!!!!!!!!!

6. Stjepan Sejic's Boomer - Choke hold and choke me...  I want to hear his voice but he can't break his mewing streak…The ungodly things I would let him do to me

5. Dark: Apocalypse War - Constantine! Boomer! GIRLS! GIRLS!! ILL SLEEP WITH BOTH OF YOU!!! I was not expecting him in this movie so I started to freak out when he showed up DUDE. PLEASE LET ME SIT ON IT

4. Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay - I'm a ride he wouldn't survive… I DONT HAVE WORDS TO DECRIBE HOW I FEEL DUDE… I WOULD DO ANYTHING HE ASKED FOR NO JOKE. Dead on the floor

3. Justice League Unlimited S2 - The glow up in REAL... had me on my hands and knees as a 3rd grader… and still on my knees today. I have never wanted someone to fuck me in the back alleyway of a shit bar so bad in my life

2. Batman: Assault on Arkham - The one that started it all… he is the reason I am this way. no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom BUT GREG ELLIS IS PUBLIC ENIME NUMDER ONE. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!!

AND THE BEST ONE!!!!!!!! WE ALL SAW IT COMING

1. Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League - I AM GNAWING ON THE IRON BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE!!!!!! He has it all, the face, the VOICE, the look, the character!!!!! It is hands down the most consistently good representation of captain boomerang out their… and its canon that's he has a big dick :D I would sell my first born to get one night…

Thank you all for reading this word vom, I am sick in the head <3

if any of the comic issues are off or something please let me know :)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make your our and tag me!! i need to see them <3<3<3

[majorxmaggiexboy]

rating my Muses by whether they would survive Dracula:

Ben: slim chance of survival. Would initially have glitter eyes at drac and would be devastated at the slow realization that Something's Up but would become determined to make it a problem for all involved. Dies if he meets the brides because his dumb ass would NOT believe they aren't prisoners and would die trying to rescue them while they're stabbing him to death with glittery sillystraws. If he can get out of the castle his chances improve but he's still on thin ice because he WILL be going right back in the castle trying to save everybody from Drac, but he's NOT stupid enough to do it alone. Just might survive but will absolutely lose at least one friend in the process. 5/10

Amicia: Survival Guaranteed. Not only would she realize Drac's a monster as soon as he survives for more than two hours after being kind to her and Hugo, but Amicia would also not be trying to stick around. She's grabbing her brother and the bread sticks and trying to GTFO. The villagers are on they own unless absolutely necessary. Would beat the snow out of the Brides if they even look at Hugo. On the off chance somebody does get one over on her, Hugo will drown them in rats. These kids are golden. 10/10

Gamble: 50/50 survival odds. The vampires don't get him but no less than ten villagers and van Helsing want him dead for reasons that might or might not have a damn thing to do with vampires. 8/10 because he will not only leave others to die but will also actively attempt to get other people killed by the vampires if he thinks it'll improve his escape chances or just be kinda funny

D'Artagnan: no chance because you know those kids on ao3 going to replace Drac with all three musketeers AND rochefort and Milady will also be around somewhere. Boy might as well call up mordaunt for the funeral smh we don't go here.

Bonus, Battinson: I'm only including him bc first of all it'd be his house that Harker sells to Drac and Alfred would be like Well Mr Wayne Nobody Believed Me When I Said The House Wasn't Vacant no but also dracula would look at him and either think Wow I Can't Actually Compete. You Funky Little Vampire. Or he'd just go damn this dudes miserable enough lol and just leave.

[in-ky]

Hi! I’d love a story about Negan being a serial killer who only kills “bad people” (like in Dexter) and maybe he saves the reader from her ex who’s about to kill her and Negan can save her and takes her in because she’s a mess but she’s actually a killer herself (who kills rapists etc/ only the bad ones) and Negan and the reader start fighting and then get caught up in steamy hot sex 🥵 thank you!

Savior - Negan Killer AU

Warnings: Warnings: GORE + violence, smut, domestic abuse, swearing, dirty talk ig? idk how to tag this lol

A/N: hey! i struggled over this one for a while lol. ive only seen like. 3? episodes of dexter so. i really hope this meets your expectations! also forgive any mistakes its late, im tired, and i wanna get this up lol. also, is negan batman? maybe. 3.7k words

"Will, stop you're hurting me!" I hissed, grabbing at his wrist. He tugged me out of the bustling restaurant and into the dark street.

"I don't really give a shit," He snarled, throwing me into a secluded alleyway a few buildings down from the restaurant. Will had taken me out to a business dinner with his boss in hopes of showing me off and making a good impression. But things didn't quite go according to plan. "You embarrassed me in front of everyone!" He pushed me against the brick wall of the closed department store.

"What was I supposed to do?" I sneered, trying to wiggle away from him "He kept commenting on my body, saying how he wished he could take me home at the end of the night and do all kinds of 'unspeakable things to me'."

"You were just supposed to shut up and take it!" Will said, voice filled with rage "But no, you and your untamable fucking complex just couldn't handle a compliment. You threw your drink in his face! You're lucky he didn't fire me right then and there. You made me look like some pussy who can't control his whore."

"You're an asshole." I shouted, tears welling at the edges of my eyes. Will's face contorted further into a look of pure, unadulterated hatred.

"What the fuck did you just call me?" He seethed, clasping his hand tightly around my throat and constricting his fingers around my airway.

"I said you're an asshole who cares more about his dead-end career than his fucking girlfriend." I croaked. I hated him. I hated him so much. My vision clouded with the combination of disgust, loathing, and lack of oxygen, so I hit him where I knew it hurt. "There's a reason you needed me for arm candy tonight. It's 'cause you're a boring, piece-of-shit, lowlife who has no skill whatsoever. How does it feel knowing you need me to make something of yourself?" With that, he threw me to the ground by my throat. He wasted no time and pinned me to the cold concrete. His knees dug into my shoulders and his hand flew to his back pocket, whipping out the switchblade he carried as a precaution against mugging. My eyes widened as they caught a glint of the moonlight off the sharp knife. He brought the blade up to my throat and slapped me over the cheek harshly with his free hand.

"You better take back those words, bitch," He hissed, pressing the blade into the soft skin of my jugular "or they might just be your last." A dribble of blood ran down my neck with the pressure. Realization flashed through my mind. I could die right then. That could have been my last moment. Was I scared? No. Why wasn't I scared? Maybe it had to do with the shadowy figure that was slowly approaching us from the ally entrance.

There was plenty of time for me to warn Will that someone was coming. But I didn't. Instead, I stayed quiet and watched as the shadow figure pulled Will from my body with ease and tossed him to the side. Everything was kind of a blur. I was still oxygen starved and filled with a whirl-wind of emotion. I heard Will cry out in surprise and indignance. The shadow figure said nothing. It saw the switchblade with a steady line of my blood. It kicked Will in the chest, knocking him to the ground. Then it lifted up a baseball bat over its head and cracked it down over Will's skull. He continued to beat Will until he stopped squirming. The shadow figure paused and swung the bat over his shoulder. I had regained my breath and pushed myself to my elbows. The shadow noticed me moving and took a few heavy steps in my direction. I squirmed away slightly, instincts telling me to get away from the thing that had just pulverized my boyfriend. The shadow entered a stream of moonlight. It was a man. He had peppered hair and a blood-speckled face. He had dark brown eyes and a small smile perched on his lips.

"You okay, sweetheart?" He said. His voice was deep. I was partially surprised. He wasn't a bulky man. He was tall and had a broad frame, but his limbs were long and his body was lithe. He wore a leather jacket and his boots were slick with what I could only assume were Will's brains. I didn't want to look at his bat.

"W-Why did you do that?" I whispered. It was all I could muster.

"He was going to kill you." The man sounded confused, like I was supposed to know who he was and why he saved me.

"You don't know that." My voice was quiet. My eyes were glued to a spot behind the man, unblinking. He let out a throaty chuckle and dropped to a squat, leveling with me.

"Doll, he had a knife pressed to your throat," His words were gentle "Looked like he was gonna fuckin' kill you." He hesitantly reached out two fingers in the direction of my face. I didn't move. He was wearing leather gloves. The ridged fabric ran along my injuries. "Seems like he did some damage before I could step in. Damn. Sorry about that. Listen, I live a few streets down. If you want, I can get you cleaned up."

"Okay," I said softly. I let him help me up to my feet. He guided me along with one arm while holding his bat with the other. As we walked out of the alley I couldn't help but look down at Will, or what remained of him at least. His forehead was split in half, a pool of chunky blood bubbling on the ground. I clenched my jaw and forced myself to swallow the bile that had risen in my throat. And yet, I didn't feel sad. I didn't mourn him. Maybe it was shock, maybe it wasn't. "Thank you?" I murmured, though it was more of a question. The man and I stepped out onto the street and I was grateful there was no one around to see us leaving the scene of a very heinous-looking crime.

"No problem, doll," The man hummed, setting a brisk pace down the sidewalk. "The name's Negan, by the way." Cool. Negan: my Savior.

~~~

"So you're like Batman?" I asked Negan as he dabbed the blood away from my neck. He gave a short chuckle and tore away the sticky part of the band-aid.

"I guess you can say that," he mused, splaying the bandage over the cut the knife had left "but I specifically go for people that I know have hurt others. The baddies, if you will."

"Is that legal?" I tilted my head, crossing my ankles as they dangled over the bathroom counter. My palms were flat on the surface of Negan's marble sink top, fiddling with the wrappers of the medical supplies he had used to clean and bandage my small cuts and bruises.

"I haven't been caught," Negan shrugged "besides, it's less work for the police. They don't have to do any interrogation bullshit or anything. I usually catch people in the act, like tonight. Then I do my thing."

"Do you kill everyone?"

"Only the bad people," He reminded, tossing away a bloody tissue "only people who have hurt others. But, yes, usually the offender ends up on the business end of Lucille over there." He pointed out the door into the living room, where the still-bloody bat rested against a chair. I furrowed my brow.

"Well, doesn't that make you a bad guy?" I pressed. He tapped my knee and I dropped down to the tile floor, tucking my hair behind my ear and gathering some of the scraps.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you still kill people, right? Even if they're bad? So doesn't that still make you a killer?" Negan was quiet for a minute. "Let's put it this way," I continued "What would you do if you came across someone who was like you; someone who hurt the bad people. Would you still kill them. They're hurting people." Negan took a deep breath and let it out with a contemplative sigh, itching his bearded chin.

"I'm not sure," He mused "I've never really thought about it before. See, I don't consider myself a bad person per say. Yea, what I'm doing might be considered fucked up. But I'm doing it for the right reason. I'm protecting people by attacking their attackers. In the end, someone's saved." He brushed off his hands and led me out of the bathroom, flicking the light off. "Would you rather me not have saved you tonight?"

"No," I said immediately "thank you. Really, thank you. You saved my life. Will is...was...always a dick, but I never thought he'd actually hurt me. I guess that proves people can have a whole bunch of layers." Negan nodded and moved to the kitchen. He raised a bottle of whiskey as an offering. I shook my head but he poured himself a glass.

"I was just doing my job," Negan grinned sympathetically "I'm sorry your boyfriend was an asshole who tried to murder you." I shrugged, amusement in my eyes.

"Eh, it happens to everyone." I smiled as he let out another laugh. I felt as if I shouldn't be laughing, but at the same time, everyone has their own responses to almost getting stabbed to death in an alley. So I let myself have this moment. Besides, Negan was a good guy to be around. He made me feel safe, comfortable, secure. Everything I needed right now. "So, Negan, what do you do? Surely vigilante-ing can't pay well, and this apartment is really nice."

"I'm a retired baseball player," Negan said, sipping his whiskey and settling into one of the armchairs in the living room "Hence the bat."

"Were you any good?" I asked. He let out a loud scoff.

"Was I any good?" He mocked "Sweetheart, I have a whole damn trophy room. I was fucking amazing. I just got old."

"So you're rich with no real job, you kill bad guys, and you have a massive ego," I listed "You really are like Batman, aren't you?"

~~~

Negan let me stay on his couch that night. It was leather, like everything else that man seemed to own, but it was comfortable. I woke up to the smell of bacon filling the air. I groaned and rubbed my fists against my eyes, clearing them of sleep. I stretched my arms above my head in a yawn and rolled off the couch, stumbling into the kitchen. Negan was hunched over the bubbling pan, dodging pellets of grease as they shot up at him.

"Smells good!" I purred, closing my eyes and taking a deep inhale.

"Good," He grumbled "You better fucking enjoy it because I've gotten burned at least three times." I laughed and walked up to him examining the small red patches that dotted his arms.

"You didn't have to make me breakfast you know."

"Yea, but I wanted to make sure you were comfortable," He sighed, turning off the stove and scooping the cooked bacon onto a paper towel. "Besides, I was craving some bacon when I woke up. I haven't had someone to share a meal with in a while."

"Well, if you want, you can come by my house for dinner." I offered, crunching down on a piece of bacon "I've been meaning to whip out the family alfredo recipe for a while, maybe a hot date would give me that incentive." I gave him a playful wink and he chuckled.

"Sure thing, doll," He hummed, putting the pan in the sink "I love me some fucking spaghetti. I'll see you around seven?"

"Sounds good."

~~~

I ran down the sidewalk, chest heaving. There was enough darkness to cover me, but I still kept my head down to prevent recognition. I held my hands close to my stomach, praying that the blood on my fingers wouldn't drip on the pavement and leave a trail. I had been on my way home from the store when I heard some commotion coming from an alley. My first instinct was to run, but then I heard the girl crying for help. Negan came to mind, what he did, how he helped people. I couldn't turn away. I marched down the alley and saw a greasy man pinning a woman to the wall of a building. Flashbacks of the night before hit me like a train. I looked on top of the alley dumpster  and saw a crowbar perched on one of the lids. I grabbed it and stormed up to the man, whacking him upside the head with the weapon. I kicked him to the side and brought the crowbar over my head before swinging it down. It connected with his face in a sickening 'thwack.' I thought of Will. I thought of what might of happened if Negan had never stopped him. I thought of all the times that bastard had gotten drunk and told me I was nothing. I let the rage bubble up and fuel my beating. By the time I was pulled back into the moment, my muscles were screaming, the woman was gone, and the man's face was unrecognizable. I tossed the crowbar into the dumpster and ran back home.

Dried blood is extremely hard to wash off. It sticks to your skin in flakes, creating a pattern of red veins crawling over your hands. Fuck. I scrubbed as hard as I could under the rushing water of the sink, pumping more and more soap into my hand. It was under my fingernails. It was stuck in my palm prints. Shit, did I leave fingerprints at the scene? Would they be coming for me? With a hiss, I rubbed even harder at my skin, small flecks of blood turning the sink water red.

Suddenly, my door opened.

"I'm ready for my s'getties!" Negan boomed with a wide smile. My head whipped around, looking at him with wide eyes. His grin faded and he crossed the room in record time, grabbing my wrists and turning the sink off. "Is this fucking blood?" He snarled, bringing my hands up to my face. I clenched my jaw and dropped my eyes to my feet. "Jesus, who's is it? Answer me!"

"I-I heard someone screaming on the way home," I said quietly, eyes still downcast "I thought I would help..." His jaw went slack and he let go of my hands, running his fingers through his hair.

"Jesus fuck, you can't just go around killing people!"

"Why not?" I snapped, eyes meeting his "You do it all the time? What's the difference? Why can't I help people?"

"Because it...Because you just can't!" Negan growled, shaking his head.

"Why are you so special?" I hissed back, drying my hands off on a towel before tossing it at him "It's not like you can get a permit for fucking murder. Why do you do it, anyways? Is it some perverted thing? Do you get off on saving people from attackers?"

"Watch yourself." Negan warned, eyes darkening.

"Pfft, or what?" I laughed, tossing my head back "What are you gonna do, kill me? I'm not afraid of you, Negan." As soon as the words left my mouth, he charged me. His hand flew to my throat, squeezing my airway lightly. His hips pressed me against the counter. I let out a small gasp when he shoved his face next to mine.

"Oh, but doll, you really fucking should be." He spat, curling his lip "I could snap your neck right here, right now." He gave a small squeeze to emphasize his words. I let out a strangled moan. We both froze. "Are you turned on right now?" He muttered, furrowing his brow. I licked my lips and squirmed in his grip, pressing my thighs together slightly in an effort to alleviate the warm pressure growing in my belly.

"No," I lied, voice weak. A sinister grin curled over the bottom half of his face and he licked his tongue over his teeth.

"And I'm the perv, huh?" He sucked on my earlobe and peppered kisses down my jawline "Sweetheart, tell me, do you want me to fuck that pretty little pussy of yours? Do you want me to make you cum harder than you ever have?" I whimpered at his dirty mouth. "Use your words, doll, or I'll leave right fucking now."

"Y-Yes!" I breathed as Negan's lips sucked on the sweet spot right beneath my ear.

"Yes, what, princess?"

"Yes, I want you to fuck me, please!" I groaned, clawing at his shirt. He let out a short chuckle, muttering something about how needy I was, but I didn't care. Right now, the only thought running through my head was that I needed Negan. I needed all of him. And damn me if I wasn't going to get it.

We clawed at each other's clothes like rabid animals. Once we were completely bare, Negan moved his kisses down my body. His large, calloused hands kneaded my breasts, twisting my nipples between his thumbs. My arms flew around his neck and I dragged my fingernails up his back. He shivered against my touch and slid his hands further down my body. They settled firmly on my hips as he captured my lips in a fervent kiss.

"Fuck, sweetheart," he grunted, pulling back for air. I looked at him. His tawny eyes were now black, pupils far beyond dilated with lust. Both of our lips were swollen and red from the intensity of our kisses. Negan's chest inflated and deflated quickly as his eyes roamed over my body. "You're so damn perfect." I smiled sheepishly and pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, looking up at him through lidded eyes.

"You're not so bad yourself," I reached out my hand and used my pointer finger to draw a line from his collar bone down the center of his chest and through his navel, finally ending right over his pulsing cock. He sucked in a breath as my fingers closed around him. My thumb swept over the hot tip, gathering precum on the pad of my finger and rubbing it around.

"Shit," He hissed as I slowly pumped him "I'm not gonna fucking last if you keep doing that." He gently pried my hand away and took a step closer to me. I could feel his hardened length resting against the inside of my thigh. The thought of him being so close made a burst of heat rush down between my thighs. Negan took a long finger and ran it through my folds, collecting my wetness. I moaned as he teasingly dipped the first knuckle into me. He pulled back and let out a low whistle. "Damn, girl," he chuckled, raising his finger to my face "You're fucking dripping. Who's that for?" His slick-coated fingers glistened in the light of my apartment. I let out a deep groan as he slid them between his lips and sucked.

"You, Negan!" I whimpered, wrapping my legs around his waist "It's all for you." A wolfish grin spread over his features as he tugged me off him and pulled me down off the counter. He spun me around and pressed gently between my shoulder blades until my chest was flat against the cold surface.

"Then if you don't mind," Negan cooed, lining himself up with my entrance "I'm going to take what belongs to me." With that, he slowly pushed into me. I gasped at the stretch, balling my hands into fists as he continued to split me open.

"Fucking shit," he groaned once he bottomed out "you're tight as hell. I bet you've never had a dick as big as mine." He pulled out slightly and I let out a moan at the growing emptiness inside. The moan soon turned to a yelp when he brought down his hand against my ass. The smack was loud and he rubbed the red spot tenderly. "Have you?"

"N-No!" I gasped when he thrusted into me for the first time "Never. Fuck, you feel so good." Negan's thrusts sped up, his hips snapping against my ass in an obscene rhythm. Grunts and moans of pleasure slipped from both of our lips as he plowed unapologetically into me. I could feel every inch of him. He was hitting every spot, dragging against my walls in a sinfully perfect way.

"You're doing so good," He purred, kissing and biting my shoulder "So good for me. You're so perfect." I tossed my head back and he grabbed my chin, tilting my face towards him so he could give me another bruising kiss. I could only keep up for so long, though, and the white bliss of pleasure he was giving me soon became overwhelming. My jaw went slack and my head dropped against the cool tile of the counter in an attempt to ground myself in the moment. "I want you to cum, doll, cum around me. Wanna feel those walls squeeze me." His thrusts were starting to become sloppy and I could tell he was getting to his end. One of his fingers danced down my spine and found its way to my clit. He circled it with just enough pressure to get me to the edge that I was so willing to jump off. "Now." Negan growled. I obeyed, feeling the band in my lower abdomen snapping violently. We reached our releases simultaneously. My walls clenched around him, milking him of every drop. I screwed my eyes shut and screamed his name, holding in a large breath as the world around me spun. Negan eventually pulled himself out and collapsed on top of me. We both were breathing heavily, sweaty bodies entangled as well as we could over a counter. I swallowed, my throat dry from panting through my orgasm. When my eyes fluttered open, I could see Negan's thumb tracing circles over the love bites that were starting to darken on my shoulders.

"Are you going to kill me?" I rasped, running a hand through my wild hair "I guess I'm a bad person now." Negan chuckled, still out of breath.

"I think I'll make an exception," He mused, pressing a sweet kiss to the shell of my ear "I don't think I'm ready to let you go just yet."

[thekeeperof-thefandoms]

Things deltarunes characters said that my friends and I have said drunk

Queen: I shouldn’t be left unsupervised drunk

Ralsei: You shouldn’t be left alone period.

K_K: I use the power of kawaii tol boi to hide the fact that my life is a living hell.

Sweet: I may be short but that just gives me easier access to your knee caps.

Cap’n: Does it look like I care that you’re lactose intolerant I made this mac and cheese and you’re.....already eating?

Susie: No one with lactose intolerance has ever stopped themselves from consuming ungodly amounts of cheese. They just pay for it later.

Ralsei: I’m either having a depressive episode or I need to eat some bread.

Kris: I’m one bad day from being an unapologetic batman villain who slowly convinces you that yes I did murder that guy, but he kinda deserved it.

Rouxls Kaard: What a glorious bastard I am. Bask in my useless gayness! I HAVE CONTRIBUTED NOTHING TO SOCIETY AND FEED OFF OF CAFFEINE AND SPITE.

Seam: I took a nap and somehow feel even less connected to reality. Oh wait....that’s the alcohol. 

Jevil: I can’t tell if the room is spinning because I stood up too fast and the blood rushed out of my head or if the empty bottle of captain morgans that was full when we started this is to blame. Either way I feel like I’m on a free carousel.

Noelle: Sometimes I question why I bother supervising you drunk and then I realize if I didn’t I’d have my own version of the story my dad told me of one of his buddies getting drunk and wandering off and they found him asleep under a tree an hour later.

Lancer: I’M NOT AN ADULT, I’M A CHILD WITH...WELL IM 18 BUT MY MOM SAID I COULD....have one drink and I technically finished her bottle of tequila, but that counts as one big drink right?

[curious-menace]

Arkham Scarecrow SFW Alphabet

im really enjoying writing arkham scarecrow. maybe ill do something similar to my random riddler headcanons posts with some scarecrows

long post under the cut

 A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Uhhh, the short answer is no. Jonathan is almost wholly incapable of what most people would term “affection”. His idea of loving is not using you for his experiments, only giving you small doses to build up your immunity( not that that will stop him from enjoying watching you panic). Jonathan leans heavily on gifts and words of affirmation as his language of love ( assuming he can even feel that emotion). He calls you  “my dear”  and “my darling” or once “my pumpkin” if he had too much to drink. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Jonathan would make a good friend if he could ever be wrangled into admitting it. He’s a complete bastard, but he's a loyal bastard. He always goes above and beyond for his friends but it's always in a “aw shit. My favorite idiot needs help AGAIN?!” begrudging , kind of way. You probably met in university/college and if you've stuck with him this long he’d be hard to get rid of.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He never asks for cuddles and is pretty touch adversed as a rule. Sometimes though, He simply plonks himself in your space and expects you to know what he wants. Usually it's gentle backrubs/strokes like you would with a child. Sometimes he just wants your warmth to sooth his aching body. He’s heavier than he was in Arkham asylum but still very underweight so you shouldn't have too much trouble moving him into a comfortable position.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Absolutely not. I'm not convinced this man owns more than his books and the burlap sack on his back ,never mind a home. He has plans to take the cloudburst on tour, to go cross country and then across the world spreading fear. That would be a little difficult if he had gotham mortgage sending him nasty emails every other day about missed payments. While he can cook and clean, I doubt you'd want to eat anything he made. Ignoring his filthy hands, he's probably laced it with fear toxin or a lethal amount of hot sauce.

His homemade cleaning chemicals are pretty stellar mind you. They can get blood, piss or tears out of anything. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Scarecrow really is a ride or die kinda guy. If you've wormed your way into his life then he’s going to do literally everything and anything to keep you in it. He’s not above making you dependent on him for safety just to keep you around longer. He’s not a total monster to the people he cares about mind you. If you really didn't want to be with him, he’d let you go….eventually.

I'm not sure he fully understands the concept of a “breakup”on his end. He gets that you don't see eachother anymore but I don't think he quite grasps that it's not because one party is dead. There's a 99% chance he’ll use you for his fear toxin experiments as a way of kicking you to the kerb. If you wake up in a ditch with a text that says “we’re through” you should consider yourself lucky. 

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

I canon arkham scarecrow as having been engaged at one point in his life, possibly around the time of origins. I can imagine his partner gave him a “me or the fear toxin” ultimatum which has led to the man you know now. Despite how he looks, how he speaks and acts, he’s still open to the idea of a partner. He’s a loyal man who can't stand backstabbers, he’d appreciate someone like a spouse/husband/wife to have his back. If he decided he wanted to get married he’d propose almost immediately. It might be more of a business or thesis type proposal with lots of talking rather than flowers and wine and you're likely to be married as soon as you said yes. 

He has a tiny pumpkin ring saved for the occasion. Something like this (image credit https://www.banggood.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He’s gentle, in a creepy way unsurprisingly. He was a little stronger than the average man before the incident with croc, all that cardio and fighting with batman made him a skinny legend amongst the rogues for how well he could fight. Now? He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. Mostly he's calm and soft, especially when you wouldn't expect him to be.  He can still be an emotionally manipulative person but chances are good you're smart enough to see right through him. Calling him on his bs is actually a good way to endear yourself to him. He likes a challenge and he loves it when people think they can outsmart him.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Hmm. yes and no. Scarecrow is severely touch adversed, but...It's not like with Riddler; Edward is on the autism spectrum and genuinely gets overstimulated by a lot of physical contact, he doesn't usually enjoy it unless under specific circumstances. Scarecrow WANTS to be hugged and held on occasion, but the mere thought of someone in his personal bubble sends his hackles up. 

When he first woke up after the asylum, he clung to you like a lampent. Scarecrow gives and recieves hugs like someone who needs them to breath.Your warmth soothes the aching pain when even drugs couldn't . By the time of Arkham Knight he’s grown cold and distant. His hugs are few and far between and unusually half hearted even when he initiates them. Maybe he’s just preoccupied with batman.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

I doubt he’d ever say the words ``i love you” but he’s absolutely going to quote love poetry at you, recite lines from his favorite literature  “shall i compare you to a summer's day” and all that. That’s far better than a simple “i love you” right?

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Jonathan is sort of one note when it comes to expressing frustration. Coffee machine not working? Melt it down into fear toxin vials. Line at the grocery store? Gas everyone out of his way. He doesnt get mad, he gets even. He’s not a super jealous person, he’s probably the most secure in himself out of all the rogues in Gotham bar Selina and ivy. But when something does hit his jealousy bone just right? LORD HE IS TERRIBLE. 

Unless you were the instigator, you are 100% safe but the poor soul who made the mistake of flirting with you will never see the light of day again.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

He can't really kiss to be honest. He lacks a lot of lip tissue and tongue dexterity for deep smooching. He’s quite happy to give you little pecks on the cheek but anywhere else will get sloppy and he's not a fan of that. Jonathan has actually started to bump you with his head like a cat in lieu of kisses. Rare as it is, when he wants kisses he has a tendency to nuzzle into the crook of your neck or rest his head on your shoulder. He likes to be kissed on the cheek , forehead and top of his head. Most other places are covered in scars and lack the sensitivity to enjoy it.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He likes to scare kids. It's not as malicious as it is with adults, he just likes to yell boo at them, smiling as they scream and giggle and run away. It's probably the most innocent he’ll act around other people. He still doesnt like them per say but he’ll tolerate them in small doses. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Scarecrow , like most rogues, is not a morning person. He doesn't sleep well and he is hella grumpy when he first wakes up. Expect to watch him shuffle around his hideout like a zombie, still wearing a quilt and his dressing gown as he complains about everything from the weather to the loud creaking of the floorboards. You should present him with food and coffee and then retreat to a safe distance until he’s fully awake, otherwise he’s liable to turn on his grumpy old man routine on you. If he's feeling particularly sore or needy, he’ll ask you to help change his bandages and dressings .

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

It really depends on what he feels like in the moment. Sometimes he’ll leave you at home while he goes out to cause general mischief, sometimes he’ll bring you along as a look out. Sometimes it's a low-key night at the hideout reading and sometimes it's a caffeine fueled frenzie of experimentation and lab work with you as his trusty lab assistant.  He doesn't sleep well at night, the aches keep him up. If he were ever to actually go to bed he might find that you make a great pillow.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

As much as he resents people having the upperhand with information, it's hard not for people to see his past. His scars are so easily visible, inside and out. He doesn't talk about his past unless prompted. But if you do he’ll quite happily answer all your questions; he’s not afraid of discussing it. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Jonathan is a very patient man, not just when it comes to revenge.It takes quite a lot to make him fly off the handle and he cools off again quickly. That's not to say he doesn't hold a grudge like he’s being paid for it, only that it's more of a simmering anger rather than a boiling one.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers most things about you, he has an excellent memory. But that being said he never lets on that he knows these things. He likes to hear you talk about the things that interest you, even if you've told him about it before. Watching you wax lyrical about your chosen subject makes him feel close to you. 

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

I don't know if it's a favorite or even a positive memory but when he first woke up from surgery after croc you were lying beside him. He was understandably confused, maybe even afraid, but seeing you there brought him great comfort. He didn't know what was happening because of all the meds, but as long as you were with him he was confident things would work out for him.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He means well, you should always keep that in mind  before you snap at him. He brought you to the arkham knights HQ to protect you from his plans, he’s given you micro doses of fear toxin to build your resistance and by the time of arkham knight you can hardly move for the amount of guards he has following you around. He’s overbearing bordering on controlling but I think it's because he simply can't admit the thought of losing you scares him, even just a little. You aren't a rogue, you don't know Batman like they do. He just needs to keep you safe from batman, from the police and from the ugly world outside.

Given how weak he’s been viewed practically all his life, I believe he’d resent the accusation he needed protecting. deep in his mind he knows no one man is an island. He appreciates little helps even if he won't say it. He doesn't need protection per say but If nothing else, after being injected with his new toxin, he's going to need someone who’s corpus mentis in his corner for court and medical proceedings.  

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

His idea of a perfect date is you two working on your respective projects in comfortable silence, maybe a trip to the museum if he feels like the exercise. Obviously that suits some people down to the ground, myself included, but he gets that it's not for everyone. He’s probably ok with you planning the activities provided you warn him beforehand. 

Given everything he’s been planning for batman, things like important dates and even everyday tasks have a tendency to get lost in the fray. He's not doing it on purpose, He’s glad to celebrate these things with you if you remind him, He's just got his priorities in a funny order.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He shuffles his feet when he walks and is one of those people who always has conversations in doorways. You can never be sure he isn't aware of these habits and is doing them on purpose. He also used to smoke quite heavily but has since given it up due to his throat and lung issues.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

It's sort of a mixed bag with him. On the one hand he knows he’s ugly, that's the point. You're MEANT to be scared looking at him, he’s leaning into it. But on the other hand his “look” is a carefully maintained visage; if it slips it might lose the intended effect. He might not be as scary to look at or worse, people might look at him in pity. It's not ordinary vanity or narcissism but yes, he is concerned with maintaining the way he looks 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

The concept of feeling whole is somewhat lost on him; He’s clearly missing a few screws even in his most lucid moments. That said even in the depths of madness brought on by his toxin, he still notices your absence. Still incredibly distressed In his cell in blackgate, he can often be heard crying out to you for comfort  but is lacking the wherewithal to understand why you're not there. 

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Given that he has pretty extensive facial injuries, eating is pretty difficult for him. He used to really enjoy bagels and cubanos from gothams many deli’s. His favorite was a kosher deli in The Cauldron, before Joker ruined it. They’ve since rebuilt and while he can't eat many solids anymore , he still enjoys their matzo soup and smoothies. 

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Like most of the rogues, he absolutely can't stand bullies.He also can't stand physically aggressive people; if you're going to even TRY and intimidate him maybe you could use your words like someone with more than 2 brain cells to rub together, rare as that is in gotham. Back when he was a psychiatrist he hated people who were chronically late. Not his patients, most of the time it wasn't their fault  due to executive dysfunction or traffic, but people who kept HIM back and made HIM late were the bane of his existence. 

Z = Zzz (What are their sleep habits?)

Crane is a back sleeper who snores because of his damaged septum.He knows he makes a noise akin to a flip flop in a lawn mower but there is literally nothing he can do about it besides sleep on his stomach. He squirms around a lot in his sleep so even if he starts on his stomach, he’ll be on his back snoring like a dead horse in no time. The only thing that could keep him frontwise is if he were to sleep on you and have you hold him in place. 

[arwenaminwho]

Vengeance

Hey guys! This is my first English story and also my first imagine on Tumblr. I’m really sorry if I did any mistakes but I tried my best. Thank you if you read and I would really appreciate if you guys give me feedback! Enjoy! (I hope.)

Batman x Female!Reader  Angst! Fluff!

Word count: 2,778 

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It was a cold evening. The front of the tower that the charity ball is going to happen was incredibly crowded. After getting out of the car Bruce took your hand and led you to the entrance of the tower. 

The chill wind flew the skirts of the white dress that you wore. There was a guilty glance in his eyes that he didn't want to show around. You didn’t want to come tonight, because of the recent things that happened between you and him. It was 2 days ago that you officially learned that Bruce was Batman. You were thinking and suspecting that something is quite not right about him but the first thing that you thought of was that he was cheating of you, and then you decided, that wasn't the case. And after that, you caught his bruises and that his lies weren't covering the things that he told you that he was doing -like golfing was the reason of those bruises- you started the think that either he was in a lot of trouble or some other things was going on. And one night after he left you at your bed in hurry in the middle of the morning without telling a good reason, you looked out at your window and saw the Bat-signal and all the pieces of the puzzle are falling into their places for you. He was the Batman, and you only just realize it after one year of dating with him, and all this time that the reasons of him that he was late or the things that he could make it were all a big lie. And that made you quite angry. You were upset that he didn't trust you enough, and you were wondering if you didn't catch him how many years would it take him to finally share his secret with you.

“(Y/N)?”

His soft voice that he only used when he with you snaped you out of your thoughts.

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?” His eyes were still was full of a quilt when he was looking at you, and you felt maybe you were a bit unfair to him. You could actually understand what he was thinking, he was probably afraid that his secret would cause trouble to you, or that you would think that its a burden and leave him. Which you would never do.

“Yes, I’m fine. Its nothing.” You said while holding his hand tighter. You give him a smile which made him sigh of relief and smile. You decided not to maintain this issue and enjoy his presence. 

With your hand in his hand, you took the elevator and head into the ballroom that the organization was happening.

The ballroom had a splendid look. Everywhere was richly decorated according to the high taste of the guests. The room was crowded and noisy. The whole room was full of the upper class of Gotham. They were drinking their champagne and laughing at each other's jokes accompanied by classical music played on back.

“I have to spend time with the company's investors,” Bruce told you while looking at the group of very boring looking of man, you could see in his face that was the last thing that he wanted to do at that moment.

“Sure, I’ll come with you.” With a big smile, he put his hand on your waist and led you toward them. 

It was a bunch of boring conversations and then you decided to ask for permission to go to the restroom so that you can have a little space for yourself.

“If you'll excuse me,” you said while giving Bruce a little smile, which he returned. And you made your way to the restroom. 

When you arrive at the restroom, you put your bag to the counter and started to freshen up your makeup. While putting your lipstick the door of the restroom burst open. There was a troubled looking man who was holding a gun towards you. You instantly dropped your bag to the ground and raised your hands.

“What are you doing?”

“Out.” 

“I-I don’t understand.”

“OUT!” 

“O-okay.” You were trying to understand what was going on while he was pushing you out of the restroom, he grabbed your arm and hold the gun to your waist.

“Don’t run, don’t move, don’t scream or I swear to god I’ll kill you here.”

“Okay. Okay, just tell me why are you doing this, who are you? What do you want from me? Money? What? Just tell me, maybe I can help you.” You were trying to find a way to get you out of this situation, but the corridor was empty due to the start of the program in the ballroom. You could hear the sound of the music and the cheers.

Even if you could scream nobody would’ve heard you. So you decided to listen to him and compromise. He led you to the elevator with a crazy look in his eyes, he was watching his surroundings and making sure that nobody was seeing them. 

“Don’t talk! Just do as I say.”

You didn't say anything and entered the elevator with him. You were wondering and trying thing about your options, but you couldn't find anything. Your boyfriend -who was batman- was in the ballroom and you had nothing to at that moment to alert him. 

“Why are you doing this?” You tried your chance again.

“Why?” he was nearly screaming with rage. “To make him pay, to make him pay for all the things that he has done to me.”

You were trying to understand what was he talking about. 

“Bruce Wayne. He has this gorgeous, rich life with everything that he wants in his hands in seconds, with a loving girlfriend while my wife leaves me because of the things that he has done.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He took my EVERYTHING. He took my job with huge compensation. He left me jobless and in dept. The bank sold my house and made me and my family homeless. She took away my children and go to her mother's home and send me divorce papers after. I have left nothing. Nothing to lose. I can't make him lose everything he has but I can make him lose you, which is even worse.” 

You couldn't know what to say and tried to negotiate with him. 

“Look, I can find your money, I can help you get your house back, please, don't do this. It's not too late, you can still have your family back.”

He looked at you angrily,

“ITS TO LATE. THERE IS NO GOING BACK! Do you think I just come here like that? I’ve been planing this for months. I tried to do this in different ways but I couldn’t. I followed you home, I watched you work, but you were always surrounded by a lot of people. But now I don't care. I have nothing to lose.” 

You finally understand that you were beyond helpless and on your own, you had to do something or this lunatic was going to kill you. As the elevator descends to the floor with parking lots you instantly press to the buttons and made the elevator stopped on the third floor. As the elevator doors open you jumped out and started to run. He was screaming and he started running behind you.

“STOP! STOP IM TELLING YOU OR ILL SHOOT YOU!”

You tried to run faster in the corridor to the doors but you felt an instant pain on your back. The pain that took your breath. The only thing that you were hearing was your blood running in your wains and muffled screams. You tried to continue running but you heard guns shoots again. Two of them hit you again while you no longer felt the power to continue running and you collapse to the floor. As you were trying to breathe on the floor you barely saw a man very far away, which is bruce, was running towards you. But you felt a grip on your arms, the man who shot you was gripping you on your arms and trying to take you to the edge of the balcony on the floor. You were screaming trying to lose his grip but you were powerless and losing blood. He lifted you as if you had no weight and threw you down from the balcony like you were nothing.

“(Y/N)!” Bruce screamed your name while you were falling from the third floor of the tower to the ground. You didn't feel the fall, your eyes closed as you fell. The last thing that you saw was Bruce was looking at you with horror in eyes and screaming your name.

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You woke up with the voice of machine beeping. You were lying in a hospital bed with cables everywhere. As you tried to look around you notice that you have a neck collar, and your arm and your leg were in bandages. As you tried to remember what was happened the door opened and a devastated looking Bruce come inside. When he saw that you were awake he seemed surprised and come quickly beside you.

��(Y/N)!, (Y/N) are you okay? Does somewhere hurt? How do you feel?” He held your hand while gripping your face.

“Hey,” You manage to say. He was looking at you with very quilt eyes.

“Hey.”

“I'm okay. What happened? H-how did I?”

Bruce seemed troubled with even more guilt in his face he said. 

“I'm going to explain everything, darling. First I should call a doctor to tell them you are awake. Its been two days.”

Two days? That you were sleeping? The last thing that you remembered was the fall and the horror in bruce face.

Bruce goes out of the room and came back with a doctor in a few minutes and stood beside you.

“How are you feeling?” the doctor said.

“Fine, I think. What happened to me?”

“You’ve been shot from three parts, one on your back, on your arm, luckily it's just a scratch. And one bullet on your upper right leg. There is no life-threatening situation. We got the situation under control. The fall from the balcony caused you to hurt your neck, so you need to wear your neckband for a while. Also, there is no fracture on the arm and leg, but there is damage so you will need to use your bandages for a while and be careful while using them. You may feel pain due to injuries caused by falling on your waist, be careful while moving. The bullet hitting behind you stuck on your back without damaging any organ, we took it out with an operation. You are very lucky. We are now giving painkillers to make you comfortable. If you feel that the medicines are insufficient, you can just need to tell us. We will increase the dose.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

You couldn’t believe all the things that happened to you, that you almost died.

“Get rest now, you've been through a lot.”

After the doctor left the room, Bruce carefully sat on the bed and took your hand.

“It's all my fault,” he said with a very broken voice.

“No, don't be silly. You did nothing to be guilty.”

“It was my fault that he targeted you.” with every word he was saying he seemed like he was hating himself even more.

“What exactly happened? Who was he?” you manage to say.

“He was a former employee at Wayne Inc. When he was found to have stolen money from the company, he was fired with compensation. Apart from signing the exit documents of his, I had nothing to do with the incident, but as a company owner the whole incident remained on me, and led him to target you.” his voice cracked at the end of his sentence.

“He told me he wanted to harm you by hurting me.”

His eyes were full of tears. “And he did.”

“I'm fine, Bruce. There is nothing for you to blame yourself. You saved me. If it wasn’t for you, I would be- ”

“Don’t. Don’t say it.” he breathed out.

“I should have been faster. I suspect something when you didn't come from the restroom, but I didn't want to be paranoid. Then I went to the restroom to check you but I just found your bag on the ground. So I realized that something was wrong.”

“How did you find me?” you were wondering how he manages to find you in a very short of time.

“I-I-”

“How?”

He took a deep breath. 

“I had placed a GPS device on you before. I just looked at it,” he said with an ashamed tone.

“Did you put a GPS device on me?” you were shocked.

“Yes (Y /N), because I have a lot of enemies, as Bruce Wayne or as Batman. I just wanted to protect you. If I hadn't put it on. Now you-” he didn’t want to complete his sentence but he spoke in a strong voice that knew he had done what had to be done.

“I would be dead,” you said it bluntly.

“No, don’t say that. I will always be going to look after you. I will never let anyone ever hurt you again. Never. Except if you don't want me to be with you anymore, but still I’ll protect you.” he said with a sorrow voice.

When you looked at his face you could see the fatigue on his face. His beard had grown as if he had not shaved, and his eyes looked tired as if he had not slept for days.

You knew that the only thing that he wants to do is protect you. And you understand that he has a lot of enemies, and with everything that he been thought he was trying to protect you with everything he has. You couldn’t blame him for that. And if he didn’t put that device on you, you would be long gone.

“I trust you that you would only use it when it’s necessary.”

“Of course.” he looked at you like you said the most stupid thing. “I trust you, too.”

“What happened to him?” You wanted to change the subject.

“I took care of him.” He said darkly as he clenched his teeth.

You looked into his eyes while clenching your hand to his.

“His been send to prison, and I made sure that he has the worst prison mates, I don’t think he can make it out.”

“Bruce.” you couldn’t know what to say.

“Don’t say anything. I don’t know what would I do if I lose you too. You are the most important thing to me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t completely honest with you and share my secret before. I was trying to protect you from my other identity as if this one is much safer. I’m sorry. I’m never going to let anybody ever hurt you again.”

“Bruce...” you were speechless.

“You did nothing to be sorry about. I understand you. And I don’t think that you need one but if you do, I forgive you.”

He looked at you with loving eyes. He, after days, seemed finally relaxed.

“I’m not gonna let you slip away from me ever again.”

“Don’t,” you said while smiling.

“No more secrets,” he said to you while he leaned forward to kiss you.

“No more secrets,” you repeated and you leaned front to kiss him back.

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 6

DC did it first. Take your grievances to them.

Jason and Sheila e-mail back and forth for about a week before she says that she has Thursday off so if he has Thursday off does he want to meet for lunch again?

Last time wasn’t bad. Not a lot of staring or people or anything. He can…he can probably do it again. And it’s a few days away still, so he has time to psyche himself up or, worst case scenario, fake his death and move to Canada.

And it’s been a week and she hasn’t pulled out the Pity Card on him yet and maybe…maybe this’ll all work out okay. She might never be Mom, because Catherine’s always gonna be Mom, but…but she could be Mother, maybe. He can see that in the distant (or not-so-distant?) future.

But he’s not going to rush into things, that’s what got him here in the first place. Patience, grasshopper.

Thursday rolls around and he hasn’t faked his death and moved to Canada, so he has no choice but to put on jeans and a hoodie and resign himself to a couple of hours, easy, of no sunglasses and no e-book shield.

Sorry, any small children who might come out of this traumatized.

Okay. He brings his Kindle anyway, and his sunglasses for the journey, and sticks to his normal Civilian Weaponry-couple’a knives, one pair of brass knuckles tucked into a hidden pocket in his hoodie. Last thing he needs is for someone to pick up a bullet, match it to the Red Hood’s, and come knocking on his door. His luck is bad enough that’s exactly what would happen.

Besides, it’s noon on a Thursday, and even in Gotham that’s a slow hour. Bank robbers gotta eat, too.

The monorail ride there is literal Hell (three fighting couples, two crying kids and old man with no personal spaaaaace!) and he’s literally gasping for air when he stumbles out of the car. He likes people. Honest. If he legitimately hated them all, he wouldn’t risk his life to help them. But interacting with them…he could do without that, mostly.

Whatever. Whatever. It’s over, he lived, he’s had worse.

(And no, he doesn’t hear faint cackling in his head, and that’s final.)

It’s windy today, the type of wind that buffets people every which way and is determined to keep his hood off his head. He fidgets with the drawstrings until it’ll stay and buries his hands in his pockets. Wind sucks. He can feel pollen and dust and Gotham Grime being blown onto his skin.

“Jason!”

Is he there already?

Sheila…looks a lot more haggard than she did before. He tries to remember if she’d mentioned being horribly busy, doesn’t think she did, and figures that to be fair, he hasn’t mentioned the bruise that goes halfway up his back.

She smiles, her awkward driver’s license smile, and waves. Yeah, she doesn’t…it must’ve been a long week, or maybe a rough drive or something. She looks tired.

“Hi.” He’s not sure what to call her, still. Miss Haywood is too disconnected, Sheila’s too personal, and it’s way, way too soon for Mother. Names are a pain. “I’m not late, am I?” He knows he’s not. “Monorail was packed.”

“So was the subway. Can I…?”

Her arms are half-out and he figures she’s asking for a hug. He can do a hug, as long as it’s a short hug.

“Yeah. Thanks for the warning.”

Holy crap, she feels frail. But to be fair, barring Dick’s tackle-hug, everyone’s felt frail since…since. So it could just be him. Hugs are weird now.

(“HUG YOUR DADDY!”)

No. Not today. Everything’s fine.

It’s a sort-of short hug, short enough, anyway, and he wonders, abstractedly, if a day will ever come that he’s used to that sort of thing again. If it even matters whether he does or doesn’t.

It does. Of course it does. And the day will come, in time, and he’ll be better, be normal, be what people want him to be.

Little steps.

* * *

They’ve fallen into a companionable silence and for once Jason’s not jumping whenever someone walks by in a purple sweater or anything when Sheila forces her lips out from between her teeth and says, “I know you were Robin.”

Well. That’s, uh, there’s that out of the way.

“Yeah.” There’s clearly no point in denying it. She probably put it together when Batman came knocking. “For a little while, yeah. I was.” He tastes blood, wonders how long he’s been doing that, and wishes he had gum. Or a mint. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right off, I just…old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Oh God, no, no, I didn’t mean-” She takes a drink. Her hands are shaking, she’s shaking and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “I just. I thought I should probably make it clear that I did know, so you wouldn’t…I know I was absent, but I don’t want…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me.”

Oh. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say. Bruce, God knows, has the emotional capabilities of a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Thankfully Jason hadn’t been the type to go through crushes every two weeks, or he probably would have been in Hell. He certainly wouldn’t have…it’s not like he would have shut down the conversation, but sharing and caring? That would have been awkward and best not repeated. Alfred was the go-to for that sorta thing.

All right, then. Since they’re dropping sudden bombshells ‘n all…he has to know.

“You worked for Joker.” There. It’s out. He said it.

And now he kinda regrets it-the self-loathing on her face is a pretty good match for his own, and he can’t tell himself it’s anything less than deep, deep wishing to have made better choices.

“I did.” She straightens up, begins tearing apart a piece of bread on her plate. “Briefly. I’m not proud, but he had a line to my mother, knew where she lived, knew her schedule…knew.” She swallows hard. “Knew she had to rubber-band her jam jars because she couldn’t open them otherwise. I panicked. But it was only for a couple of months-pills, he wanted pills, as much as I could get him. And then he just…went away. I don’t know what he did with them.”

Honestly, after everything, he can’t…he doesn’t have the right to say much. And honestly? There was that one guy, who accidentally cut the fucker off in traffic and couldn’t get away from him.

And look at him. The first man he killed, that wasn’t…oh, sure, he probably had it coming, at least a little, but Jason wasn’t thinking about that or considering it like he does now, he just…he wanted to kill Bruce. Because that was right and reason at the time even though he knows it’s insanity now.

No, he can’t say much.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, and it’s suddenly easier to look at his hands. “I didn’t…that sounds awful.”

“No.” She tips his chin up and it’s an effort not to pull away and to remember that it’s fingers, warm human fingers, and not the pointy end of a crowbar against his skin. “You deserved to know. It’s only fair.”

Truth be told, it’s a relief to know that she hadn’t…yeah, technically she could’ve…maybe done something different, but she hadn’t wanted to work for him. She wasn’t like the ones he’d christened Dumb and Dumber that…they enjoyed that kinda work.

Lunch is finished in relative silence after that, though, and he’s wondering what’s going to happen now when she rifles through her purse and swears.

“Damn…I meant to grab an old photo album I wanted to show you, with some old family pictures and things.”

Pictures of Willis? Yeah, he’s good. Pictures of other people might be interesting, though.

“Next time?”

“My apartment’s a few blocks over.”

Something feels off. He’s paranoid, he knows he’s paranoid, but something…she’s been shaky and weird all afternoon and he doesn’t…

Calm the fuck down, you freak out when someone window-shops for too long!

“Is everything…is everything okay?”

Or maybe something is wrong-she pulls a napkin over and there’s suddenly a pen in her hand.

“I really do want you to see these pictures, Jason,” she says, but her hand is moving and there’s the ever-so-faint skrit-skrit of pen on paper. “I swear you got my mother’s eyes.”

The napkin slides over to him and he glances down. Her handwriting’s spikey and awful-doctor writing to the bone-but his is no better and he can read it well enough.

An old colleague has been hanging around the hospital lately.

Oh.

That explains a bit.

“Sure.”

Her shoulders drop and she crumples the napkin, nails picking it into shreds.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” she says softly, nearly too soft for him to hear, and he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad you…if there’s anything I can do to…”

Shit, she looks like she’s going to start crying and that is indeed PANIC in his throat. Tears are not good.

“You’re a good boy.” Her voice is watery but there are no tears to be seen. Thank Jesus. “I promise next time we have lunch it’ll be normal.”

Oh, good, things haven’t plummeted down to fiery Hell because of all the revelations flying around.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” he says, and whoops that’s his ‘all will be well, citizen, never fear!’ voice. But it must work, because the about-to-cry look disappears. “Um. Do you wanna…it looks like it’s gonna rain, should we get going?”

And so they do.

* * *

The wind has picked up and it smells like rain. He’s not looking forward to patrol later.

The wind’s not so bad, though, to stop Sheila from lighting up with a self-depreciating, “I know I’m a doctor and should know better, but I honestly don’t care.”

“I can’t really say anything.” He holds up his own pack and rattles it before pulling one out. It’s not as calming as it usually is and he doesn’t know why.

Eh. It’s been a long day, that’s all. He’s not used to interacting with people on a personal level anymore, which is his own fault and probably not necessarily a good thing.

The first few drops have started to fall when they arrive at her building-big, square, and simplistic. She fishes out her keys while they’re in the elevator (which smells like new car, for some reason).

The hallway is deserted. It’s a little creepy, to be honest-his own building might be crap, but there’s always activity. And then, of course, there was Arkham’s hallways, or what he could hear of them. Noisy. Always noisy. But this? Wayne Manor was silent like this. It unsettled him then and it unsettles him now. Call him a city boy, whatever, but he needs noise.

The brass knuckles and knives in his jacket are warm and comforting and he knows he’s not gonna need ‘em, but they make up for this creepy-ass silence.

Sheila opens the door and motions him inside. It’s dark inside-blackout curtains, probably-but he can hear the rain. It smells like new car in here, too, and he wonders, off-handedly, why-

-it’s not empty. He’s walked into one too many ‘empty’ buildings to be very, very attuned to the sound of somebody breathing. Okay. Be calm, back out and shut the door.

He’s about to do exactly that when the light switch clicks and bathes the whole place in stark white. White walls, white floors, white furniture.

Which only makes Harley Quinn stick out like a sore thumb in all that red and black.

“BAY-BEE!” She could never hope to match Joker’s grin, but she gives it a good go, stretching her makeup. Okay. Change of plans. Get Sheila out of here (and preferably out of the building), deal with Quinn. “It’s been a whiiiiile!”

He takes in the mallet leaning against the couch and the shotgun (are those fuzzy dice? Really?) in her hands and comes to the conclusion that great, she’s riding the crazy train.

But maybe she hasn’t seen Sheila yet. Where’s that goddamn light switch?

He moves, only a little, only to feel the unmistakable press of a gun against his lower back.

“Don’t. Move.”

And the world drops out from under him.

No. No, no, no, she said she quit, it was over, she said they’d let her go, she said-

The door shuts. He twists so he can still see Quinn in his peripheral. Sheila’s face is a blank mask-no tears, no joy, no nothing. Just quiet determination and he doesn’t understand, she said…

“Mom?” The word feels thick and wrong in his mouth, but maybe…maybe she’s brainwashed or hypnotized or something, maybe she doesn’t…isn’t…

“Sorry, kid.” The words are harsh but her tone isn’t. Quinn giggles in the background but she sounds so far away and Sheila’s still pressing a gun against him. “It was you or me, and, well…it had to be you.”

What?

“Aww, come to mama, baby!” Quinn giggles again before straightening up and scowling. “Now.”

His feet drag him forward, sneakers scuffing against the white carpet an’ Heaven’s s’posed ta be white, innit, so why does this feel like Hell and what’s going on she said she said-

For once horrible, desperate second, he wants Bruce. Bruce wouldn’t…yeah, he’d thought, at first, that he’d left him but he knows that he didn’t, he really didn’t, he just…

Bruce wouldn’t have pulled a gun on him, he wouldn’t and God, if he’d just fucking talked to him-

“I did what you wanted, Quinn.” Sheila’s voice is so, so flat and is this all she wanted from the beginning? Is it? “Now call your man.”

Quinn doesn’t even look at her. She’s looking at Jason like she always did-like she’s torn between wanting to rip his head off and wanting to wrap him in a blanket and keep him.

This is his own goddamn fault, he just thought…just once, just once-

“Quinn!” Desperation now, and the gun wobbles against his hoodie as she steps out from behind him. “I did what you said! Call your man!”

Okay. Okay.

He forces himself to take a few deep breaths that taste like that last cigarette outside and says, voice as steady as he can make it, “Let her go, Harley. Leave her alone, I’ll. I’ll do what you want, just. Just let her go.”

“Aww, look at you!” Her pigtails sway and he finds himself oddly hypnotized by the movement. “I knew ya had to be Robin for a reason.”

Yeah. Yeah, he was Robin and that’s all he’ll ever be, the one that fucked up.

“Please, Harley.”

“Nyeh…” She adjusts her grip on the gun, finger dancing near the trigger, and looks down at her knuckles. “Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, catch a Batman by the toe. If he hollers, let ‘im go, eeny…meanie…miny…moe!”

He sees it before she does it, but there’s no time-he’s moved maybe half a centimeter before the gun goes off-

-and Sheila.

Falls.

His ears are ringing. They’re ringing and everything’s so white except her, all blonde and blue and so fucking red because Harley didn’t miss and if he’d been quicker, he should have been-

“Aww, don’t be sad!” Harley’s not alone, of course she’s not. He should have known from the start stupidstupidstupid. “Doncha know what happens to people who know too much?”

Her eyes are open. They’re open and they’re looking at him like this is his fault and it is if he hadn’t…

S’like Joker said, once.

“Good boys know how to lay down and DIE.”

“Mistah J had a spot for ya, baby.” Huh? “But you up an’ left us before it was time! So since it’s his birthday-” The fucker has no birthday he just appeared one day too evil for Hell. “-I thought I’d get my puddin’ somethin’-” She winks. “Real nice.”

And they’re on him.

Harley’s goons are dumb, but they’re also big and they manage to drag him down for a minute before he gets a knife out of his sleeve and drives it into the nearest jaw.

“Andre!” Yeah, Andre ain’t comin’ back from that any time soon. “I thought we taught you manners!”

He reclaims his knife and scrambles back up and okay okay maybe he can get outta this-

WHAM!

Lights out.

[desolationofzara]

damian and jon watching a horror movie!! ((ily, my fren!!))

Sure thing, love! Sorry it took so long! 

Enjoy!

Jon: 18, Damian: 21

It was Halloween night, and the Kent residence was buzzing with activity. Clark and Lois were about to go to a costume party in the city with a few of the neighbors and their coworkers. She and Clark were going as Gomez and Morticia Addams.

“Jon, honey, are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Lois asked, fixing her hair in a small mirror near the door.

“Yeah, i’m definitely sure.” Jon laughed, popping some popcorn in the kitchen in his pajamas.

“Why not? Too cool to party with your parents?” Clark smirked, gelling his hair back.

“Nah, my parents are too cool for me.” Jon grinned.

“Good answer, kiddo.” Lois walked into the kitchen and kissed Jon on his forehead, her red lipstick most likely leaving a mark.

“Now I know Damian’s coming over,” Clark started, walking into the kitchen.

“We’re just going to be watching movies in the barn, Dad.”

“All I’m saying is that I know he just turned 21, but you haven’t. So no funny business.”

“It’s really hard to take you seriously when you have that pencil mustache on.”

“Jonathan.” Clark warned.

“Dad,” Jon laughed, “I’m pretty sure if I wanted to go to a party and get drunk, i’d just go with you two to the city and dip out. Besides, Damian doesn’t drink.”

Clark sighed dramatically, “Fine, but I don’t want to hear any impromptu guests-”

“Dad, to throw a party, I’m pretty sure that means I have to have friends.” Jon grinned, hopping up on the kitchen counter.

As if on queue, bright headlights filtered into the house. It was the tell tale sign of Damian’s expensive car.

The Kents met Damian on the porch.

“Alright you two, we’re off. The pantry is stocked with snacks, and whatever that’s leftover of the candy is yours. Jon, you know where the extra blankets and pillows are. Why you two want to watch movies in that cold, dusty barn is beyond me.” Lois says, kissing the two boys on the cheeks.

“Ambiance.” Damian smiles, leaning down so Lois can reach him.

“Have fun you two! And try not to scare Jon too bad with the horror movies.” Clark smiles, clapping Damian on the shoulder.

Damian grinned, “I agreed to go easy on him with the movies.”

Jons parents drove off and left the two boys alone.

“Happy Halloween, beloved.” Damian purred, pushing up onto his toes to kiss Jon. Jon returns the kiss and breaks it quickly.

“Why don’t you change into your pajamas, and i’ll finish getting the barn ready.” Jon smiled, pushing the door of his house open with his foot.

“You might want to wash the lipstick off of your face as well.”

Jon blushes and laughs, rubbing at his cheek.

Damian watches Jon pile up blankets and snacks and leave out of the back door. He and presses a button on his watch and watches it turn into a holographic wrist computer and jumps to life in front of him. He pushes a button that activates a pocket sized drone, and sends it in the direction of the barn.

Now, Damian would never describe himself as a well mannered boy, well man now. But even as he’s matured, a few things have remained constant in his life. One being his love of teasing Jon Kent. (Another just being his love of Jon Kent). Damian smirked wickedly as he watched the small sphere fly into the barn with Jon unaware. Oh this is going to be a fun Halloween.

Damian walked into the barn wearing one of his boyfriends hoodies, and gray sweatpants. Damian looked around, the Kents have refurbished it to make it more of a guesthouse than a place for animals. (Especially now that they live in the suburbs of Metropolis. It most likely would not bode well for the Kents if their neighbors were being woken at the crack of dawn by roosters that used to reside in said barn.) It was a nice place, but shadows still clung to the corners. That’s what Damian was counting on.

“We fixed up the barn as much as we could, but it’s still pretty chilly, so I have heated blankets if you want them.” Jon smiled brightly at him. Damian noticed Jon was wearing the fleece pajamas he got him for christmas with the Batman logo all over them.

Damian grinned back at Jon, walking to the DVD player. “I believe i’ll be okay, it’s nothing compared to the cave and you’re like a living heater.”

Jon just shrugged, turning off the lights, then plopping down onto the couch.

“Are you sure you want to turn off the lights?” Damian snickered.

Jon rolled his eyes, “I should have never told you that I don’t like scary movies.”

Oh you have no idea, beloved.

Damian settled next to Jon as he started the movie.

A side profile of a doll popped up on the screen.

“Oh HELL NO.” Jon hissed. Damian hid a snort behind the back of his hand.

“Dami! You said you’d go easy on me!”

“You’re scared of dolls?” Damian goaded.

“That’s not a doll. That’s Satan. Who the hell even MAKES dolls that scary?!”

“Satan worshippers, apparently.”

The boys made it through the first fifteen minutes of the movie without a hitch.

“Oh yeah, put the demon infested doll with your baby that seems like a fantastic idea!” Jon sneered. The movie scene changes to the mother walking to her baby’s crib in the pitch black of the hallway.

Jon grabbed Damians hand.

The movie became very quiet.

Jon pulled Damians arm and put the older boys body in front of his, peeking out from behind his shoulder.  The mom put her hand on the doorknob.

“Nope, nope, nope. Oh my god, I can’t watch.” Jon whispered, nuzzling his face into his boyfriend’s neck, and hugging Damians waist.

The mother opened the door the doll popped out. Jon yelped and hugged Damian tighter.

“Oh you big baby.” Damian laughed, trying to loosen Jon’s grip on him.

“Shut up.” Jon whined into Damians neck.

The movie continued on, and Jon extracted himself from Damian.

“She’s not seriously just gonna go play in the attic, is she? Which kid plays in the attic?!” Jon hissed.

Phase 2. Damian thought with a smirk and activated his wrist computer. His spherical drone jumped to life and flew towards his boyfriend. Damian glanced at Jon, he was watching the movie with wide eyes, hugging a pillow with his knees up. 

He was so cute. 

Damian had to put on a blank face and will himself to watch the movie.

“Damian, I know it’s you.” Jon deadpanned.

Damian turned his head towards Jon who was glaring at him.

“I can feel you tickling the back of my neck.”

He raised an eyebrow at Jon in confusion and slowly raised his hands from his lap. Damian had to put in a lot of effort on keeping his face still when he saw Jon’s blue eyes become impossibly wide and the blood drain from his face.

“What the fuck!” Jon yelped, grabbing his neck and looking behind him, clinging onto Damian again.

“Is the movie getting to you?” Damian smirked, looking down at Jon.

“No!” Jon pouted, still holding his neck.

“Alright, tough guy. Let’s see if you can hold out to the end.”

Jon huffed and grabbed the remote to resume the movie.

To Jon’s credit, he did make it near the end of the movie; and he probably could have finished it if it wasn’t for Damian.

Damian activated his drone again, but this time he timed it with the movie.

The mother was carefully peering around a corner in the house, passing by the basement. Suddenly she was being pulled back by her hair. The drone slightly tugged on Jon’s hair at the exact same time.

Jon screamed, and shot into the air. Damian had to stifle his laugh behind his hand. Jon lunged and latched onto Damians waist.

“You’re right! I can’t do it! I hate this movie!” Jon whined into Damians chest.

Damian stopped the movie and switched it to Hocus Pocus.

He carded his fingers through Jon’s perpetually messy hair.

“Aww, don’t worry beloved. I’ll protect you from all the ghosts and goblins.” Damian snickered.

“Oh, my hero.” Jon deadpanned, turning his head towards the TV.

“But really. I won’t let any harm come to you. No matter the source. I vow to always keep you safe.”

Jon lifted up onto his elbows and looked at Damian dead in the eye. He gave Damian a gentle smile, and pressed his lips to his. Damian kissed back, holding the back of Jon’s head.

Damian pried opened his mouth and ran his tongue along Jon’s. Jon sighed, and tilted his chin. Damian broke the kiss.

“Don’t you want to watch the movie?” He asked breathlessly.

“Seen it.” Jon panted as he kissed Damian.

“There’s something you should know.” Damian smirked, breaking the kiss again. Jon made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, pushing up onto the palms of his hands trying to kiss his boyfriend again.

Damian put the drone in front of Jon. Jon simply glared at the gadget. Until it let a puff of air out against his face, and tugged at this bangs.

Damian watched Jons mouth fall open and eyes become impossibly wide. Damian couldn’t hold his laughter anymore and busted out laughing.

“YOU ASSHOLE!” Jon yelled and hit him with a pillow. Damian laughed harder.

Jon chuckled with Damian and moved to the other side of the couch, crossing his arms.

“Im breaking up with you.” Jon pouted, as soon as Damians laughter died down.

“Aww, can you blame me? It was so cute watching you jump into my arms.” Damian smirked, moving closer to him. He took great pride in Jon’s cheeks turning red.

“I hate you so much.” Jon shook his head, smiling at the TV.

Damian kissed Jons cheek. “Happy to hear it.”

When Clark and Lois came home it was in the dark hours of the morning. Clark helped a very drunk Lois into bed, and went to check on Jon.

Clark looked around the dark barn and found Damian and Jon asleep on the couch with some Halloween themed movie playing on TV.

Damian was asleep on Jon’s chest, his arms tightly circled around his waist. Jon was spread out on the couch, mouth open, snoring and drooling; one of his arms resting on Damians shoulders.

Clark smiled fondly at the scene and ruffled Jon’s hair before placing a blanket over the two.

[thcpcnguin-blog]

TFLN Starters

{90 textsfromlastnight text starters}

[text]: i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex [text]: I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me. [text]: i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts. [text]: You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil [text]: learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels. [text]: alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now [text]: im getting a BJ in a closet and a penguin just handed me a bong [text]: Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off [text]: He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science. [text]: oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life. [text]: For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there [text]: He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood [text]: Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. [text]: I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption [text]: He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat. [text]: I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming [text]: He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect. [text]: Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's [text]: As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good, [text]: Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere [text]: long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch [text]: And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face [text]: MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it. [text]: I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise. [text]: I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me [text]: they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste [text]: my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities. [text]: Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes... [text]: You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick. [text]: also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns? [text]: "Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me. [text]: no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner [text]: It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman. [text]: Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar. [text]: i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer. [text]: I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though. [text]: I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper. [text]: Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman [text]: I am an emotionally compromised bisexual. [text]: so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone. [text]: Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay. [text]: I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice [text]: It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at. [text]: I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce [text]: His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him. [text]: I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit [text]: Holy sore nipples Batman [text]: He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot. [text]: after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls. [text]: hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned [text]: Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend [text]: Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring. [text]: If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse. [text]: I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot [text]: OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high. [text]: I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded. [text]: I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes [text]: I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick. [text]: Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp. [text]: I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top. [text]: party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record. [text]: i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections. [text]: CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us [text]: Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious [text]: you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you [text]: He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work [text]: you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable. [text]: for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates... [text]: I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive. [text]: ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE [text]: 2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too. [text]: You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea... [text]: Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera [text]: Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real. [text]: Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there. [text]: He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you' [text]: Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today [text]: Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd. [text]: People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas [text]: You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?" [text]: Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever [text]: I think we’re only still together so we can make each other miserable [text]: Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself. [text]: don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire. [text]: Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign [text]: That’s not a That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days. [text]: The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not. [text]: Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated. [text]: He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall. [text]: We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends