#'spend less on clif bars'

[speltfields]

is $112 on granola bars crazay or what. can someone tell me these things are bad for me or something

[slippery-minghus]

oh no. i feel like if i do not consume an entire load of bread in the very near future i will simply cease to exist.

[lookninjas]

.

why the fuck do I have to put something above the cut now I never used to.

Anyway:

Boots on

Go out to car, grab big garbage bag.

Take inside trash and put it in the big bag. Put the big bag in the blue waste management bag. Replace liners in inside small trash.

Check under sink to see if you have contact solution.

Take big trash, wallet, keys, and phone to car. Put big trash in trunk. Drive self to Wal-Mart.

Walmart: electric kettle, possibly a ramen bowl, fun ramens because their selection beats Meijer. Look for clif bars because Meijer is down to the kids' ones which are the same price for less product which is bullshit.

Drive self to Meijer. Gas in car.

Meijer groceries: Benadryl. Contact solution if needed. Cereal. Lunchables for two more days. San Pellegrino. Clif bars if Wal-Mart is also on a shortage. Cereal bars. Chips. The futile quest for apple slices w/peanut butter that aren't close to expiring and don't look rough as hell continues. Coffee. Possibly a ramen bowl if Walmart didn't have any cheap. Maybe tea? Something fairly substantial for dinner.

Come home. Unpack groceries. Make a ramen and a hot drink. Eat food, take a half dose of benadryl. Plan to spend the rest of the day semi-useless but that's okay.

Boots on. Let's do the damn thing.

[electriccenturies]

I've been on this whole kick for the last year or so about like, unlearning this black-and-white thinking that, for me, is partly autism related but also largely due to spending my formative years entrenched in a brand of discourse and political discussion that I no longer subscribe to, and it's been so freeing.

Which is to say, I have had a lifelong struggle with the idea of eating meat, and I was vegan for a few years ( around 2012 or so) and veggie for a few more, but found it really difficult to maintain at the time. Back then it was really, really hard to be the only vegan in your family as a kid; vegetarian food was a lot less accessible, and vegan food even more so. I am in a major city and I still had to go to specialty stores for things that I can find in literally any grocery store nowadays. I am a good cook and I was then too, but I was still 13 and ended up mostly living on clif bars and those frozen gardien meals because I had other things to deal with and wasn't allowed to cook on a whim. It was Not Sustainable. I still really don't eat meat very much, though I do eat it.

More importantly, my experience of it was as kind of a manipulative thing. I was into PETA (again, was 13, don't judge lol) and I fucking hated the community aspect of it because it was so heavily disgust/shame based. I didn't feel like I was being ethical, I constantly felt like I was under-performing at very basic morality, and I was constantly tempted by 'cheating' — either for convenience or because I wanted to have something that people around me were eating. At the time it felt like the obvious moral stance to take, but like pretty much everything it turns out that there is a lot more nuance to be had in almost every part of that conversation (is it truly unethical to eat ANY animal product EVER? is is truly productive to push "veganism or nothing" as the 'correct' stance? is veganism that is exclusively environment-oriented truly Evil™? is veganism truly a realistic goal for most people? etc).

But now, I have that perspective, and I was just grocery shopping and they seem to be in the process of massively expanding their selection of frozen vegan food, and it made me realize that I want to do it again but just dump the labels. Like, my dad and I had an interesting conversation the other day about how my cousin started eating kosher and just "decided" to treat chicken as pareve and I was like??? YES?! I mean, No, it's not CORRECT, no it's not truly eating kosher, but it IS basically in the spirit of the laws and it is more kosher than eating a cheeseburger or something. So why can't I do the same with vegetarianism?

That's all a very long winded way to say that I think I'd rather eat tuna sandwiches, chicken soup, and the occasional meat dish at a restaurant than just give in and eat meat in general because it's easy and I wouldn't be 'doing it right'. I think I'm projecting a lot of my other issues I'm working through onto this one, but this one is suddenly so fucking easy to check off the list lol

[needs-to-stop-looking-at-yigas]

Can we get Sooga fucking Link in Gerudo armor? Like he just thinks its a pretty little thing in cute clothes??

I. Love this idea. Surprised it us so long to get here tbh. Let's go!

"This is ridiculous.”

“Oh come on, Sooga!”

Kohga had found Sooga to be a bit of a stick in the mug lately, so he commanded both Cil, and another blade master to take him out for a night of fun. So far, Sooga wasn’t having any. They were at a recently made bar, found right at Kara Kara Bazaar. The place was jumping, but Sooga was the only one not having any fun. Clif shrugged.

“If you want to go home and disobey Kohga’s orders, be my guest.”

Sooga mumbled, running his hands through his hair. It was one thing to waste time on something as stupid as drinking, but the fact that they were doing so OUT of disguise, made Sooga EXTREMELY uncomfortable. The third Yiga, a rather foolish one named ‘Von’, chuckled, nudging Sooga by his shoulder.

“Look, NO ONE knows who we are here. We could give them any bullshit name, and just have some drinks.”

“I don’t like either of you seeing my face.”

“it’s why we’re ALL like this! We’re ALL vulnerable out here. Now come on Sooga, ONE drink! Cil, back me up here!”

Cil gave a shrug of his shoulders.

“Kohga DID give us rupees to spend on you. You might as well take up on his generosity.”

Sooga took a deep inhale. He HATED being away from his Kohga. But, this WAS a command, who was he to disobey? 

“Fine, fine. I will have ONE drink, then we’ll go home, and we’ll tell Kohga I had my fun. Fair?”

“Now we’re talking! Yo! drink vai!”

Von waved wildly at some poor waitress (he wasn’t a rude guy, he just liked women a BIT too much), who walked up to them, notebook in hand.

“Listen, we want three Noble pursuits, and make them strong for us, yeah? Our guy here needs to come out of his shell! Right Sooga?”

Sooga turned to him, ready to verbally humiliate him in front of some little vai, when he saw her. She was a vision. A small thing, with hair that reminded him of tabantha wheat, a small, yet sleek body littered in scars, and her eyes. Her eyes were emotionless and blue, like the coldest chunks of ice. Her black, lacy attire covered her face, but with help from the lighting, Sooga could see the shadow of a small, stunning mouth. The vai nodded, making note of the order, before Cil raised his hand up a bit.

“Oh and uh, I want something to eat too. Something to help me get a little less drunk than these idiots.”

The vai nodded, before walking off past the crowd of people. Sooga watched her leave, and found himself fascinated. He never particularly found himself attracted to women (hell, most frightened him), but something about this one...caught his interest. Von seemed to notice this, laughing as he shook his shoulder.

“Wait a minute! You were checking her out! You were checking a LADY out! Holy SHIT!”

“I...was not. I’m gay, what reasoning would I-”

“Maybe you’re bi, Sooga, don’t rule it out!”

Cil threw a napkin at his face, scowling.

“You’re going to suggest he cheat on Master Kohga? Have you no shame?”

“Isn’t Kohga CONSTANTLY fucking someone? Like no slut shaming, but didn’t he JUST fuck Daruk like two weeks ago? If anything, you’re selfish for NOT trying this out.”

Sooga and Cil turned to look at him, but struggling to follow his logic. Von reached over to steal someone’s drink, helping himself before he explained.

“You’re telling me Kohga WOULDN’T want you to explore and find out what you like? If we told him you were acting like a prude again, he’d have ALL of our asses for not doing as he told.”

Von wasn’t very smart, but even Cil and Sooga had to admit; he had a point. Cil sighed.

“I hate to agree with him, since he’s about as smart as a rock under a lake, but the worst you can do is give it a shot. If you don’t like it, oh well, Kohga would surely love a story.”

Sooga never thought about something like this. He had dated a woman back in his teen years, but now? Not really on his mind. But, Kohga always DID implore him to explore, so he nodded.

“Alright, I’ll give it my best shot. Just one question. How the hell do you talk to women?”

Von smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand. Right, these two were gay, and he was pan, course they didn’t know shit about girls.

“Look, I’ll do all the talking for you. I got you covered.”

Just then, the vai walked in. Drinks on a tray, as well as an oily plate of fried eggs on rice. Cil helped himself to his drink and to his bowl, while Von wrapped his hand around her hip.

“Listen, vai, my friend here, thinks you’re super cute. How strong of a chance does he got?”

Sooga threw his hands up in the air.

“Really. THAT’S you ‘getting me covered’?”

“Hey, women like it when you’re honest. So, how about it?”

The woman scanned him up and down, and Sooga was ready for rejection. Only, it didn’t happen. She grabbed a hold of his face, and pressed her lips against his. Even through the fabric of the veil, he could tell she had soft, eager lips. She pulled away after a minute, before using her head to motion him into following her. Von held a big smirk on his face, as if he had accomplished something.

“See! Full proof! now GO!”

Sooga was on his feet before he could understand what was happening. He caught up to her, holding her hand as she guided him to a back room. Sooga peeked into every room, curious. Each room was covered in a thin curtain, not only giving a slight view, but doing nothing to handle the sound. It let him hear all types of moans and cries from men alike. She let go of his hand, motioning for him to stay put, before slipping off into a room. Sooga, bored and curious, peeked into one of the rooms, where the curtain was fully parted. He got to see a Zora absolutely PLOWING into the aft of a Gerudo woman. He had a rather nice...pace. Not that Sooga was noticing.

“That’s it, you can handle one more for me, can’t you?”

The poor woman couldn’t say anything past her pillow. The Zora looked up from her, to him. He was about to apologize, when he watched the fishman cum, right into him, all while making eye contact with Sooga. He chuckled after, giving Sooga a big flash of teeth.

“You like watching, eh big guy? Come in, I’ll give you a better view.”

Sooga was pulled away before he could even think of accepting the offer. He was suddenly thrown onto a nice, soft bed. She closed the curtain behind them, letting just a bit of light poke into the room, but not enough to see important details of her figure. She crawled into the bed, crawling over him. He was about to speak, when she dove into his neck, dragging her lips against his neck. Sooga sat there with his hands in the air, uncertain of what to do. That is, until she grabbed his hands, and put them right on her ass. He took the hint, and did the same thing for her as he did for Kohga. He gripped tightly onto her cute little ass, and she moaned against his skin. 

That sounded so,,,familiar to him, in a way. He was about to ask for her name, when he felt her start to pull off his clothes. He sat up, helping her take off his shirt. Her hands wandered his body hungrily, and he couldn’t help but feel rather flattered by such a hungry touch. He was about to reach for her clothes, before she started to scoot down, pulling down his pants, just enough to reveal his semi hard cock. The hunger in her eyes was immense, and it only added to his arousal. He watched as the veil lightly parted, and she stuffed his head in his mouth. He tensed up a bit, uncertain of what to make out of a foreign mouth on his cock.

“You’ve...done this before, I take it?”

Her eyes looked slightly amused as she continued, slowly bobbing her head up and down on his girth. She was talented at this, what with how her tongue roamed, and her how her hands massaged and rubbed at his balls. He didn’t expect it to feel good. But it really, really did. A stranger sitting there, sucking him off, all while he heard others get off in rooms right next to him. He combed his fingers through his hair, slowly pushing his cock in her pretty little mouth. He got greedy, digging his fingers into her hair, and forcing her to take more. She didn’t mind in the slightest, slobbering all over his cock as it moved back and forth into her warm mouth.

“You like this, don’t you? Satisfied by a stranger’s cock? Didn’t know vai were filthy little creatures.”

At first he thought it was rude, but he saw her eyes. Hazy, lost in the realm of lust. She liked this. He was sitting here, pleasing her mouth with his own eager cock. Then suddenly, she pulled away. He sat there, wet with drool and hard, thinking he was suddenly unwelcomed, when he saw her pull off her pants. She even went so far as to peel off her panties, throwing it in his face. It kept him distracted, at least long enough for her to push her ass against his cock. He was going to tell her to stop, a bit worried about how a woman’s insides would feel, but he acted too slowly. She sank herself onto him, moaning loudly as his cock pushed inside of her. He hissed at the feeling, mainly because such a tiny body felt so tight around his cock.

“S-shit. Don’t...move so fast. Easy does-”

But this vai didn’t like listening. She held onto his thighs, and started to ride him far too quickly. He was ashamed to admit he liked it. Ashamed to admit he liked it enough to hold onto her little hips, helping her ride his cock. Her jewelry jangled as she rode him, and her little lips kept giving him such horny, needy moans. Though the sound...was odd to him. He swore he heard those breathy sighs before, but from where? He didn’t feel like asking though. Not when such a cute little ass was taking him for all he was worth. Granted he preferred absolute dumpers like Kohga’s, but this one was definitely on the cuter end. So cute, he couldn’t help but smack it. She seemed to love it, and like a horse, seemed to go only faster on him. It felt so good, fucking such a cute thing like this. He was going to cum. He was about to pull himself out, but it was too late. He came, pulling her right to his chest, and stuffing her. She mewled and whimpered, even as he pressed his lips against hers to try to silence her. He tore away from her, and saw her eyes, lost in arousal, with mouth open and drooling behind the cloth around her mouth.

“You really do enjoy the touch of another man, don’t you?”

She nodded meekly as his hand wrapped around her pretty throat. He had no idea why, but something in him didn’t want to be gentle to her. He wanted to be rough with her, wanted her to be bruised and stuffed with his semen.

“You could handle a bit more, couldn’t you little vai?”

She nodded, helpless as his grip on her throat only made better.

“I thought so. Lay down for me, right on your stomach. I’m going to show you what a man can do.”

And for the rest of the night, that was EXACTLY what he did.

----------------------------------

“Wait. You..and a WOMAN?!”

“P-please don’t be mad...”

Sooga didn’t want to tell Kohga, but he could NOT keep a secret from his master. They were all currently waiting for Zelda and Link (She requested they escort them to some ruins in the desert), and he found now was as good of a time as any. He waited for the backlash, only to hear Kohga laugh.

“Well how about THAT! You like WOMEN now?”

“I’m...not sure. I know I enjoyed it, and I know I was attracted to her, but other women...make me uneasy.”

“Hey, maybe you just have a certain type. Either way, I’m not mad.”

“You’re...not?”

“Course not! You’re getting to know yourself! I can’t say I like women like that at all, but hey, if you do, I support ya in finding out.”

Sooga couldn’t help but smile. Kohga had been helping him discover a lot about himself, and he continued to surprise him.

“I...thank you, Master Kohga. That means very, very much to me.”

“Eh don’t sweat it big guy. Now look alive, we got company!”

Sooga was about to greet their guests, when he saw Link come into view. Hair of wheat, black cloth, and blue, cold eyes. He froze like stone, and Kohga noticed.

“What’s up with you?”

“I...I just now realized-I’m pretty damn sure I’m still gay.”

“The hell you-”

Kohga knew that look. The look of regret, some shame, with even a pinch of arousal. Kohga threw his hands in the air, completely ignoring his guest’s puzzled gazes.

“SOOGA YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!”

Sooga only had one thing to say. He looked down and Link, and without much regard for manners, spoke.

“Fuck you, Link.”

[jawritter]

Broken Me...

Ch. 9

Summery: The Dallas Convention couldn't have come at a worse time for Jensen. His world fell apart earlier that morning, but was expected to just act like everything was normal. You and a friend were at the convention for her birthday. Life hasn't been that great for you either, but a forced meeting on stage changes two worlds. Will you be able to put this broken man back together again...

Series Warings: Cheating, shitty marriage, Danneel is a bitch, I unfortunately have to put that as a warning because some people tend to get turnt up about it if you don’t... Smut, Crying, Suiside Attempt, brief discription of suicide attempt and recovery, depression, hints of self loathing, language. I think that’s it... Suicide Trigger warnings will be placed over each chapter!

Chapter Warnings: Sick!Jensen, vomiting, Jared being a little bit of an asshole.. Language.

Word Count: 1650

A/N: BINGE READ TIME!! As always all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is gold!! Hope you all enjoy this one!!

Want More? Check out my masterlist!!

****MASTERLIST****

Jensen's POV:

It had been three months since Jensen had met Y/n at the Dallas convention.. 

During those three months he’d spent the majority of your time working for two weeks filming in Vancouver, then flying home for a weekend to see you. 

He hated being alone in Vancouver. While he was in Vancouver the two of you skyped every night before bed, and every day on his lunch break, even if it was midnight.. He’d fallen hard, harder than he ever thought he’d fall for anyone again, and fast.. 

Separation just came with the territory as far as his job was concerned, and he knew that, but that didn’t make it any less tough to be away from you… He’d been thinking about  asking you to move to Vancouver permanently with him while he was filming…

Danneel had given him back his house in Austin, although he hadn't been there yet. So the two of you could both stay there when filming was over. It was just a matter of getting up the nerve to ask you.

The alarm clock was going off loudly next to the bed in what felt like only minutes after he’d fallen asleep.. Rolling over he slapped at it blindly. Not wanting to leave his warm bed. The hours he worked while filming are brutal, and this morning he felt it worse than others. 

Yesterday he did nothing but 9 hours worth of fight scenes all day long. This morning when he stood out of bed his whole body ached like he’d been run over by a mack truck. Before making his way to the shower he clicked the coffee pot on, and grabbed his phone sending you a text message like he does every morning..

Good morning beautiful😘

Turning on the hot water Jensen stepped inside the shower, hoping that the hot water would beat away some of the soreness in his muscles, but only about five minutes in he started to get a light chill deposit, the warmer than normal temperature of the water... 

'Stupid Vancouver winter.' He mumbled to himself, getting out of the shower and quickly getting dressed to head to the studio.. All he really had to do was shower and brush his teeth, the girls in hair and makeup would do the rest for him.. Grabbing his coffee in a thermos he ran downstairs and made his way to the parking lot where Jared and Clif were waiting for him.

By the time he’d made it from the front door of his apartment building, to Cliff’s SUV he was shaking so hard he could hardly hold on to his coffee. 

"Hey man you okay. You look Casper white." Jared said, looking at Jensen like he might drop dead any second, Clif turned around in the driver’s seat, getting a good look at him as well..

"I don't know man. I feel like a truck hit me, and I can't stop shaking." No sooner had he gotten the words from his mouth a wave of nausea hit him. 

Ripping the door open Jensen fell out of the car onto his knees in the parking lot, and vomited violently. Jared and Cliff were by his side in an instant. He stayed on his knees for a moment after the heaving finally stopped. Struggling to stop the dry heaving his stomach was doing.

Jared placed his head to Jensen’s forehead before Jensen could swat it away..

"He's burning up. Maybe we should call an ambulance." Jensen heard Jared tell Cliff, but he couldn't respond, still trying to get the violent shaking under control. A few moments later an ambulance pulls up and the EMTs load him onto the stretcher, and into the ambulance.

This was just perfect…

Just when he thought his luck couldn’t get any worse, the universe obviously felt like it was time to challenge that theory..

........................................

Your POV:

The alarm went off obnoxiously on your night stand, rolling over you, silencing it and grabbing your phone, squinting at the bright screen in the dark room as if you were staring into the depths of the sun..

Per the usual a goodmorning text from Jensen was waiting for you. You couldn't stop the smile that spread across your face as you opened your text app to reply back. 

You had only been seeing each other for three months, but it had been the best three months of your life so far. Jensen was far from perfect, and just like yourself had his share of problems and issues, but that did nothing to stop the way your heart would leap in your chest every time he walked through the door.

You could spend days with him, and never get tired of him, and you didn’t see yourself ever getting tired of him… He was your person, and that much you were sure about if you were sure of nothing else...

Before you could type the first letter in your text box the phone started ringing in your hand. It was a number you didn't recognize...

You normally don't answer calls from numbers you don't know. It's usually just some telling your car warranty that you've never had is about to expire. This number had the same area code as Jensen's. For some reason that made your stomach drop. So you decided it was better to answer it..

"Hello?" You said, still not functioning at full brain capacity. Being the not so morning person you are..

"Y/n? This is Jared. I need you to fly to Vancouver. Jensen was taken to the hospital this morning. We're not sure yet, but we think it might be just a flu. Either way, he needs someone to stay with him while he recovers. He really doesn't have anyone else in his contacts I could call." 

You sat there for a moment completely numb... 

All sleepiness gone... 

How the hell were you gonna afford a plane ticket to Vancouver?

"Jared.........I don't know if I have enough money for the plane ticket...." You start to tell him, embarrassed about your finances, but he cut you off.

"Don't worry about that. It's already been taken care of. I'll text you the information when I get off the phone with you. You need to be at the airport in an hour. Cliff will pick you up once you're here." 

With that he hung up the phone. Right after the text with your airline ticket information came through.

You sprang into action. Not even grabbing a cup of coffee. You throw your bag together as quickly as possible. Chunk some clothes on you, and literally run to your car. You wanted more than anything to get to Vancouver to see that Jensen was okay. Jared NEVER called. So that means it wasn't a good  situation.

A little over a short four and a half hours later you were sitting in the back of a very nice black SUV driven by Cliff. 

Jensen had just been released from the hospital. It was influenza type A. He still didn't need to be left alone. The fever was down when they got back to his apartment, but Cliff said it was already starting to climb again by the time he left to come get you from the airport.. 

All you wanted was to see him. It had been almost three weeks of pure torture since you'd seen him last, and the phone call this morning made you all the more anxious to see him...

Walking into the apartment you find Jared leaned against the bar with his phone in his hand. 

"He's in that back room there. We didn't tell him you were coming. Figured it could just be a surprise." His voice was as cold as his stair as he walked towards the door.. 

"Jared, why do you hate me?" You blurted out without thinking, stopping him in his tracks. He turned around facing you. His face was unreadable. 

"I don't hate, but I also don't trust you. Don't take that too personally. It's just you two jumped into a serious relationship with each other the literal day after he told Danneel he wanted a divorce. He didn't even give himself time to really recover." He said, glaring at you.

"I would never do anything to hurt him." You said flatly, feeling a little hurt that he would even suggest that you might hurt him... 

"Then prove it." He said, turning around and heading for the door. 

You knew he felt that way, what he said was no shock... 

Still it stung... 

You brushed it off, and headed toward the room Jared had pointed to, right now Jared’s opinion of you didn’t really matter, what mattered was making sure Jensen was okay, that’s why you were here in the first place.. 

Opening the door you find Jensen laying on his back, seemingly asleep. Sweat formed on his forehead. He looked pale. His hair was a mess.

You let your bag slide down to the floor, and walked over to the bed. Slipping in next to him you wrap your arms around him. He was hot. They weren't lying about the fever. He looked up confused for a moment until he caught up with what he was seeing.

"Y/n what are you doing here babe? I'll get you sick." He said, voice low and hoarse. Wrapping his arms around you, and pulling you closer to him. 

"Jared called and said you were sick. Did you really think I was gonna leave you all the way in Vancouver alone where I couldn't pamper and spoil you? I've already had the flu. So I'm pretty sure I'm fine." You tell him. Settling the covers around the two of you as he made himself more comfortable against you.

"I don't deserve you." He mumbled, falling back into his fever induced sleep.. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[pcttrailsidereader]

Four Months Alone of the PCT

I posted this on this website about six years ago and just recently re-read this interview from a blog called ‘The Hairpin’.  The interview, with Myla Fay, a 25-year old thru hiker, is a good read and I thought worth re-posting.  My favorite story was her account of the hiker who found chapstick on the ground and used it to counter crotch chafing. A few minutes later a woman walked by and asked if anyone had seen her pina colada chapstick. From that point forward his trail name was “Penis Colada.”

Myla attended Carleton College in Northfield, Minnesota as did my daughter … which came to light when I forwarded this interview to my daughter as part of my desire to have her hike a section of the PCT several summers ago (which she did join me for a lengthy stretch).

By Jia Tolentino

How did you get into long-distance hiking? I grew up in Maine and spent a lot of time outside, and when I was a kid, we went up to Blue Hill every summer to hike and swim, camping in Baxter State Park and backpacking in the White Mountains. And in high school I did some incredible trips with the Chewonki Foundation: one was a 400-mile white-water canoe trip that ended in the tiny Inuit village of Kangiqsualujjuaq in northern Quebec. I always liked the outdoors, and backpacking felt like a good fit. I was also always interested in long-distance hiking as a more structured way of traveling. I spent a summer alone in India once and felt overwhelmed by all the decisions and planning involved in traveling. With hiking, your trip is organized around managing food and water and covering distance, and there’s less of an expectation for fun and relaxation. I like the part of backpacking that’s monotonous and challenging. How long had you been thinking about hiking the PCT before doing it? I heard about the PCT my senior year in college, but during and after college I was focusing on school and work: I worked as a designer in Minneapolis and New York, which I liked. Then I wanted to work on my own projects, so I moved back to Maine and set up a printmaking studio in the basement of a rural Zen Center. But it’s difficult to make any money from printmaking and it’s also difficult to live and work in isolation. I felt unsure about what I wanted to do, so I made a list of things I never regret doing. I realized that I never regret spending time outside, traveling, and challenging myself, so I decided to hike. I don’t think any 90-year-old would look back on life and regret hiking the PCT. Did you know you wanted to go alone? I might have considered it if I had known someone willing to drop everything and go hiking for four months. But I liked the idea of hiking alone anyway. Being alone is wonderful because you never have to compromise. If I felt like swimming all day, that’s what I did.

How long did it take to get ready? I only had about three months to prepare. Most people spend around six to 12 months getting in shape, dehydrating food, and planning. For me, I bought gear and read “Yogi’s Guide,“ which has advice for thru hiking—tips for hitchhiking, choosing campsites, resupplying, etc. It also outlines motel and grocery options for each town. I bought my food in towns and mailed food ahead when the next town was too small to resupply.

Do you have to be in good shape before you start a hike like this? Or could you just tough it out and get better as you go? You don’t have to be in good shape to start a hike, but it helps. It also helps to be young. No matter what shape you are in, hiking 10 to 12 hours a day is going to be hard. I thought that after hiking for a week or two I would just be “in shape,” but I was surprised that my fitness continued to improve.

I also never stopped having some degree of pain.

What was the gear you started with and the gear you ended with? Anything you packed that you realized was useless? I started hiking in desert heat and ended my trip snowshoeing through six feet of snow, but surprisingly I used most of my gear in all situations. After a month I bought a solar charger on trail to charge my iPhone, which was a real luxury. I also bought a dress from Goodwill along the way. It was comfortable to wear hiking and convenient for peeing outside modestly. I added various warm layers as I went north—a rain skirt (which is lighter, more breathable, and easier to put on than rain pants), an emergency blanket, snowshoes, long underwear, and bread bags to wear on my feet for warmth. I eventually ditched my mace, bug spray, and a mouse-proof food bag because I felt they were unnecessary, but not everyone would agree. Now that I have a better idea of what I need, I revamped my gear for my upcoming trip on the CDT. I have a post on my blog about the new gear, and also have my gear list on my website, if anyone wants to read.

What about trail food? How’d you deal with it? Did you filter your water the whole time? What are the worst and best things you’ve tried on the trail? Food was hard to plan for because my preferences and hunger changed constantly. Sometimes I had five extra pounds of food when I arrived in town and other times I ran out. One of the benefits of buying food as you go (rather than mailing it) is that you can easily make adjustments. I hiked with a girl who mailed all her food and by the end, she literally gagged every time she ate a Clif bar or oatmeal. I think having a variety of food on trail is important. I cooked ramen with PBR once when I arrived at a road crossing where someone had left a few beers for hikers. I was out of water, so I used the beer, and it was surprisingly delicious. At the end of trail, I ate snickers dipped in cream cheese and I thought it tasted like chocolate cheesecake! One of the worst things I tried was cold instant coffee mixed with oats. I was trying to pack up quickly in the morning and didn’t want to heat water. Needless to say, it was disgusting. I also once ate a spoonful of dry protein powder at night because I was starving and low on food. It felt similar to the cinnamon challenge. How much more do you end up eating than normal? What are the cravings you develop after long hikes? I ate a TON of food. Granola bars, mini pies, peanut butter, Nutella, tortillas, ramen, Cheezits, candy, muffins (squished), pop tarts, nuts, and anything else that caught my eye in the grocery store. All hikers fantasize about food, mostly about fresh fruits, vegetables, pizza, and ice cream. I daydreamed about Slurpees a lot. There is no food guilt on trail. All notions of what, when, and how much is appropriate to eat disappear. Instead of cutting calories and dieting, hikers worry about not eating enough. I ate 3,000 to 6,000 calories a day, and it was incredibly refreshing. The downside of eating so much was the stomach aches. Sometimes I would eat a whole sleeve of Oreos, which tasted delicious, then I would feel awful for a while. It’s a lot to ask of your body, to process all that food.

Did you see a lot of other solo hikers? Did traveling alone made you more open to meeting random people? Travelling alone does make it easy to meet people. Most hikers start alone, and many hike in groups for various lengths of time. When I started, I wanted to hike alone to challenge myself and rely on my own decisions. I became more open to meeting people over time, and by the end of trail I found a balance between independence and community. Who were the coolest people you met along the way? Everyone I met had an interesting back story—one couple worked in Antarctica, one girl sold her house to live out of a backpack, there were Marines who hiked to deal with PTSD, and people who left their high-paying jobs because they didn’t want to devote their lives to work. One of my favorite characters on trail was a retired guy from New Jersey. He lived years without health insurance or hot water, and took ice-cold hose showers every day at home, even in the winter. He told only one person he was hiking the PCT and always camped alone far off trail. He didn’t own a phone, but carried a small radio to listen to baseball games. Every time he went into town to buy food, he bought a glass, because he only drank beer out of a glass. He was also a scavenger. Once in town I gave him part of a cookie and he just packed it away for later. Another time he told me that he carried a cube of bouillon for an emergency meal. I told him it didn’t have any calories, and he said, “But it sure does fill you up!” I should mention that there are more men than women on trail, and most people I met were white and middle class, so unfortunately trail culture is not too diverse. How many times were you ever truly scared, and why? Most of the time trail felt very safe, but I had a couple moments of being spooked. I almost stepped on a rattlesnake. I once got lost looking for a spring at night without my pack. I got dangerously cold during a snowstorm. These situations were all preventable had I been paying better attention. Some hikers do end up in truly scary situations. One girl had a mountain lion stalk her at night, and another guy ended up lost on a snowy cliff where he couldn’t go forward or backward. Oh my god. A lot of people on trail carry a SPOT device with an emergency button that activates a search and rescue response team. They are expensive and I personally felt safe without one, but a few people did use them on trail.

What about weather conditions? You had to hike at night sometimes because of the heat, right? The PCT covers a diverse range of terrains and temperatures. In the desert, it reaches 110 degrees, and water sources are sometimes 30 miles apart. I carried 1.5 gallons of water at a time. Hiking at night is much cooler and requires less water, so many people hike early and late (resting midday). Night hiking is beautiful but spooky. Some huge bugs and rodents that come out at night. And then there was the extreme cold: I’m reading a blog post where you did sit-ups in the middle of the night to stay warm. What’s your least favorite and most favorite weather to hike in? I still prefer hiking in desert heat over the cold Northwestern weather. In Oregon and Washington, I dealt with rain, hail and snow, which is dangerous without adequate food and gear. Most people carry down jackets and sleeping bags, but down is useless when wet. When it is cold, taking breaks is not an option. I knew one couple who hiked over 24 hours without stopping because all their gear was wet and it was snowing. They would have become hypothermic if they stopped. Can you tell me some hiker code? What’s the jargon like? There are lots of phrases specific to thru hiking. Some are practical (“slackpacking” is hiking a section without a full pack, “hiker hunger” describes the extreme hunger after hiking, “vortex” is when you spend longer than expected in town). A lot of them are meant to be funny (“Vitamin I” for ibuprofen). “Cowboy camping,” sleeping under the stars, is one of my favorite terms. It’s basically a fancy way of saying “I am too lazy to pitch my tent and I doubt it is going to rain tonight.” My friend “Scrub” has a more extensive list of hiking terms on his blog.

That’s his trail name: does everyone have one? Everyone gets a trail name, usually given by another hiker. Part of the idea is that you can leave your other life behind and be someone new on trail. And there’s other stuff like this: trail angels, trail magic, what does that mean? A “trail angel” is anyone who helps you by offering “trail magic.” It could be a day hiker who gives you an apple or someone who drives you to town. There are established trail angels who help hikers each year by leaving food or sodas on trail or even opening their homes to hikers. There are also some trail magic events, where angels make burgers or pancakes on trail for a day or two. It is hard to overstate how incredible it is to come upon fresh hot food or cold sodas after being out in the woods for a few days. The terms seem right. How was your emotional state going into the hike, and during it? What was the default state of each day? I was much happier on trail than I was prior to trail. Some of that may have had to do with the endorphins released from exercise. I also gained a lot of confidence in my body and my ability to troubleshoot difficult situations. By the end of the trail, I felt I could do anything. I certainly had moments of frustration, crankiness, and misery, but I always preferred trail to home.

Wow. What did you do to pass the time? It wasn’t too different from regular life. Sometimes I listened to music or books, sometimes I worried about logistics, sometimes I wondered what to do with my life. I thought about family and friends and remembered things I had forgotten. Sometimes I played games with other hikers, sometimes I counted my steps, sometimes I brushed my teeth for an hour. What are some good stories you heard on the trail from other people? There was a huge snowstorm in Washington that coincided with the government shutdown, and some hikers decided to road walk the last 60 miles to Canada to avoid deep snow. Rangers stopped them because it was illegal to be in the park during the shutdown. So after hiking 2600 miles, they quit because of a triviality. I also heard a story about a girl who saw a mountain lion sitting next to the trail. She roared at it, like you are supposed to (you never want to let a mountain lion know you are scared), then kept walking past it only to realize that there was a switchback in the trail and she had to pass it again. And then, there was a funny story about a hiker I never met who found chapstick on the ground and used it for crotch chafing. A few minutes later a woman walked by and asked if anyone had seen her pina colada chapstick. From that point forward his trail name was “Penis Colada.” That is a great story. What was your favorite part of the trail?

The last four days on trail were my favorite. I snowshoed on fresh snow through the most spectacular scenery on trail with a boy who I like very much. It was new and exciting and beautiful and romantic. What about the least? Southern Oregon was my least favorite part. Everyone talks about how Oregon is flat and easy, but my feet were hurting so it didn’t feel easy. In my opinion, it was also the least spectacular part of trail, just woods and ponds.

What was your favorite pit stop? One of my favorite stops was Buck’s Lake, a small town in northern California. I got off trail to apply for a job. I didn’t end up getting the job, but I stayed with the most incredible trail angels. They were welcoming and made burgers with heirloom tomatoes and peach cobbler and fruit salad. They also took me out on their pontoon for sunset to drink white wine and listen to the Beach Boys.

What did you miss most while you were hiking? Fresh fruits and vegetables, and my friends and family. How did this hike physically affect your body? I lost about 5 to 10 pounds by the end, despite gaining muscle. My breasts mostly disappeared and my feet grew a full size. Women usually lose less weight than men, which is an advantage on trail. What about your hair? My hair was crazy on trail. I was trying to grow it out, but it was a bad length for hiking: long enough to tangle and too short to pull back. I had dyed it before trail and wanted to let the dyed part grow out. I also decided to stop using shampoo, in part thanks to articles like this. Needless to say, my hair was a bleachy, greasy, tangled mess. I cut it off when returned home. Before or after, did you have a lot of people telling you that they wanted to hike the PCT too? Or were people more like, "You’re nuts!” A lot of people say something along the lines of, “Wow, that’s amazing! I could never do that!” But hiking is kind of like drawing. People say they can’t draw, as if it’s a mysterious talent, but both drawing and hiking are just a set of skills anyone could learn. If you are interested in hiking the PCT or another trail, I would encourage you to go ahead and do it. I think it is almost always a positive experience, although returning to regular life is difficult. People sometimes romanticize long-distance hiking, but I was just walking. Some people work 8 or 10 hours a day on spreadsheets or washing floors and few people say that is amazing. What’s your favorite picture from your PCT hike?

This is a campsite on an exposed ridge in northern California. The sky was smoky from a nearby fire, but I could see well enough to watch a meteor shower. It’s hard to choose one photo, but that was a good night.

[teamfreewill-imagine]

I Know Your Wife (She Wouldn’t Mind) - Part Forty-Five

Summary: After sharing your story with the public, you’re surprised by the overwhelmingly positive response. Your daughter’s first birthday reminds you how much you have changed since joining Supernatural. Words: 2.3k Jared x Reader x Gen, Jensen, Danneel, Tom, Shep, JJ, Arrow, Zeppelin, Dallas (OC) Warnings: none Beta: @blacksiren​

I Know Your Wife - Masterpost

Your name: submit What is this?

The video of your speech went viral. Your story was shared across the continent, everything that you’d kept secret for so long was now common knowledge, and surprisingly the response had been overwhelmingly positive.

Blogs that had previously been less than complimentary had suddenly come out in full support of you and your work. SAFE Austin had received an influx of donations, meaning that they were able to start planning for a new safehouse for women and families that they didn’t think would be possible for at least another year.

You couldn’t believe the response that you had received, your Represent campaign having sold well over the target amount within the first week, and the support from your friends, castmates, and family was limitless.

Your daughter was growing up fast, and you had agreed with the writers and producers that Trinity taking a backseat in the next season was for the best for your family along with the plot of the show; allowing your episode count to be cut meant that you could travel back to Texas more frequently, giving Dallas more time with her siblings as she grew, while still spending time with her father when you were working.

You had been back at work for almost a month by the time Dallas’ birthday came around, and Danneel and Gen brought the rest of your family up to Vancouver a few days beforehand.

You followed behind Clif to pick them up, having finally passed your test over summer, making the journey back from the airport very entertaining.

“Can Dally walk on her own yet?” JJ asked you from the back seat, your daughter strapped in happily beside her.

“Not quite yet,” you told her, causing Genevieve to laugh from the passenger seat.

“Birdie, we saw Dal a couple weeks ago, this stuff takes time,” she reminded her. “She’s still little.”

“She’s nearly one,” Tom informed you both, letting his sister grab at his fingers; Danneel and the other kids were travelling back with Clif.

“She’s getting a lot better at walking with help,” you allowed. “She’ll get there.”

“Course she will,” Gen agreed. “Can’t wait to give her a big hug at home.”

“Me first!” JJ cut in, earning a grunt of disapproval from Tom.

“Nuh-uh,” he argued. “I get first hugs, she’s my sissy.”

“Alright, no arguing,” you chided. “When we get home it will be nap time for Dallas and the twins, then we can all have cuddles.”

The kids both grumbled as Dallas let out a big yawn between them.

“Deal?” you asked, and Tom and JJ reluctantly agreed.

Genevieve looked across at you as you puffed out a breath.

“Think I forgot what it was like having multiple children,” you joked, signalling onto your block. “At this rate it’ll be nap time for me, too.”

“For all of us,” Gen agreed, looking out the window.

*****

You couldn’t quite believe that your daughter, your baby girl, was turning one.

You had been a mother for an entire year and you were almost unrecognisable from the woman you were before. Not physically, of course, though your body was still not quite the same as it had been pre-Dallas; it was as if something had been missing for your whole life and having Dallas had taken that feeling away and replaced it with love and strength.

The morning of her birthday, you were changing Dallas’ diaper in the nursery when Gen knocked on the open door, her hair still damp from her shower.

“Come in,” you smiled, securing the new diaper and kissing your daughter’s bare stomach.

Gen walked over to the two of you, smiling down at Dallas as she reached for her.

“Ba,” your daughter gurgled. “Baba.”

“That’s right, Bambina,” Gen grinned, picking her up and kissing her cheeks. “Happy birthday, my angel.”

Your daughter laughed, clapping her hands together.

“Alright, you’re the favourite,” you told Gen, kissing her lightly and ruffling Dallas’ hair. “That means you can have the honour of dressing the birthday girl while mama takes a shower.”

“I’ll take her down when she’s dressed so you can dry your hair,” she offered, and you nodded.

“Sounds good,” you smiled. “Gonna check on the others first.”

Gen put your daughter in her crib as you left the room, knocking on the kids’ door before letting yourself in.

Danneel was in there with all of the other kids, looking rather dishevelled and smiling at you with tired eyes.

“How’s it going, Mama?” you asked, and she laughed softly.

“Ditto!” Zep shouted, grinning from her lap.

“Good morning,” you smiled, noticing that JJ was still in pyjamas and looking back to Danneel.

“I was supposed to put her in the bath this morning,” she reasoned, “But I’ve kinda got my hands full.”

You nodded, knowing Jared and Jensen were out getting things for Dallas’ birthday and not around to help.

“I’m about to have a shower,” you told her, looking down at JJ again. “Tex can come with, if she wants?”

She got to her feet instantly, stepping around Tom and Shep to take your hand.

“You sure?” Danneel asked, looking hopeful.

“Of course,” you confirmed. “Gotta get us nice and fresh for Dal’s birthday.”

“Alright, my girls,” she smiled, gratefully. “Be good for Y/N.”

“I will, Mama,” JJ promised, dragging you through into the hallway and towards the bathroom.

*****

Jared and Jensen had been granted the day off for Dallas’ birthday, meaning all of you could spend the day as a big family. Of course, your daughter was too young to properly understand what was going on, but spending the time with all of the kids together was important to you. The boys interacting with their sister was something you would never get bored of, and Dallas being around the twins was good for her development, your daughter trying her hardest to keep up despite being nine months younger.

Bailey was revelling in the attention that naturally came along with everyone visiting, the noise of six children in the house obviously not bothering her, and she was as patient as always with each of them whenever they wanted to play.

The day was filled with Disney movies, sweet treats, and laughter. For once, the entire day passed with no tantrums from anyone, and your love for your family was reinforced tenfold.

Come evening, you were sat with Dallas asleep against your chest, the rest of the children already in bed.

“Can’t believe I’ve been a mom for a year,” you murmured for what must have been the fifth time that day.

“Time flies when you’re constantly tired,” Danneel teased, and you laughed as you stroked your daughter’s hair.

You were all in the front room, just relaxing in the peaceful quiet after the hectic day. It was nice, for once, to just sit in the content silence of each other’s company.

“A couple years ago,” you began, talking quietly and looking down at Dallas, “I wouldn’t have believed it that I would ever be a mother, let alone so fast. I didn’t want kids at all.”

Jared smiled sadly, turning his head to place a kiss to your temple.

“Then I met y’all,” you smiled, looking across at where Danneel was sat across Jensen’s lap in your armchair. “And I instantly fell pregnant because none of us know how to keep it in our pants.”

“Dits, kiddo,” Jensen chastised. “No bedroom talk around your parents.”

You laughed again, nodding in agreement.

“Yeah,” you sighed. “But seriously, meeting you all, becoming part of your family… saying it’s changed my life is an understatement. You’ve taught me how to be a parent.”

Danneel smiled, nodding.

“You’ve taught us stuff, too,” she told you. “Showed us that all we need to do to get JJ to calm down in any situation is to show her videos of you.”

“I, for one, have been taught a whole lot about sharks,” Gen added, and you grinned.

“Yeah, I ramble,” you admitted. “Just wanna thank you all for being so patient and kind. I know I’m difficult, and all my baggage… it’s not easy to deal with, but this family makes it a lot less painful.”

“You’ve been family since you joined the cast,” Jensen assured you, “You know that, right? Before the relationship, before the adoption.”

“I know,” you smiled, feeling Dallas shift against you and deciding it was time to put her into bed. “Come kiss the birthday girl goodnight.”

You got to your feet as they all did just that, taking it in turns to say goodnight to your already sleeping daughter.

You made your way upstairs, humming a lullaby as you changed Dallas into her pyjamas, the excitement of the day having warn her out enough for her not to wake up throughout the whole process.

“Goodnight, my grown up girl,” you whispered, kissing her once more as you placed her down in her crib. “Sleep well.”

*****

Your 22nd birthday was spent in Austin, helping out at the brewery’s Halloween event during the day. You were working behind the bar, your favourite place to be while you were there, enjoying serving the customers and chatting to the rest of the staff. Within the Family Business team, every single employee you had come across were just as passionate about the business as your parents and uncle were. They all clearly loved their job, and their enjoyment was infectious whenever you were working there.

You left early, taking JJ and the twins back with you to the Padaleckis so you could all get dressed up for trick or treating with the boys.

Your costume was considerably more conservative than the skimpy cowgirl of the previous year. This year, you were dressed as Mother Gothel, with JJ as your Rapunzel and Dallas looking extremely cute in her Pascal outfit. Arrow and Zep were absolutely adorable in their little cowboy boots as Woody and Jessie, Jared joining the Toy Story theme as Andy, while Genevieve and the boys opted to be a band of pirates for the evening. Jensen and Danneel were able to have a quiet date night as you looked after the kids, giving them a chance to properly spend time together without worrying about their family, knowing that the children were well entertained and looked after. They’d argued, at first, that it should have been you, Jared, and Gen that got the night off, but you had assured them that there’s no better birthday gift than spending the night with your children and siblings.

Seeing JJ so patiently helping Dallas to walk from door to door was the highlight of your day. She had so much love for your daughter, and it warmed your heart as she slowly held her hand and took small steps so that Dallas could keep up. After a while, Tom took her other hand, your daughter a much more confident walker when she had support from both sides.

“She doesn’t even need us anymore,” you quietly complained to Jared as you walked behind with the twins. “Practically an adult already.”

“She’s such a mama’s girl,” he reminded you, ignoring your whining. “She’s never gonna stop needing you.”

You smiled, watching on as they continued to walk ahead of you, down the driveway towards the next house. You knew that he was right.

After growing up the way you had, with such a terrible relationship with your birth mother, you had been worried that your daughter might not form a connection with you. You couldn’t have been more wrong. Your relationship with your daughter was so strong, her love for your family so obvious even though she did not yet have the vocabulary to express it.

“Mama Y/N?” Shep asked, looking back at you.

“Yes, my love?” you smiled.

“Is this a good birthday?” he enquired, making you laugh softly.

“Sheppy, this is the best birthday,” you promised him, picking Arrow up onto your hip when she tugged at your hand. “Thank you for spending it with me.”

*****

Christmas and New Year were spent much like the year before, this time all of you agreeing not to even try to split you and JJ up on Christmas Eve night.

Dallas was a whole lot more interested in the hanging of the stockings this year, toddling over to Jensen to take hers from him when he said her name. You helped her place it next to yours above the fireplace, picking her up and kissing her cheek as you moved to sit back on the couch.

“Mama,” she giggled as you continued to kiss her face. “Mama.”

“Mama just loves you, baby,” you answered, smoothing her hair down.

“Dally happy,” Zep told you, wisely, making you laugh.

“She is, it’s Christmas.”

“Tomorrow,” Arrow corrected, making you look at Jensen in exasperation.

“These kids are too smart,” you complained. “Correcting me at two years old.”

“Ackles girls are th’ smartest,” JJ told you, getting to her feet and reaching for Dallas. “Can we go help with cookies again, please? Tom and Shep are gonna finish ‘em all.”

“Course,” you smiled, letting the pair walk ahead as you leant across to kiss Jensen’s cheek. “Happy Christmas, Grandpa.”

He scoffed, fondly pushing you away.

You’d caught him calling himself ‘Grandpa’ to your daughter when he woke her from a nap back in Vancouver, and you still hadn’t let him forget it. After all his talk about wanting to be ‘Cool Uncle Jay’ and refusing to admit that Dallas was, in act, his granddaughter, it had taken him less than a year to give in to his title of grandparent.

“Don’t make fun of me for loving my girls,” he requested as you started to leave the room.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” you told him, turning to face him with a glint in your eye as you pulled the door closed. “Grandpa.”

Tell me what you think!

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[inviisiiblelee]

ookay so absolutely no one asked for this post but i’ve been so unreliable lately with literally everything that i figure i can at least explain what’s been going on for the last six months or so. i know i’ve briefly touched on this to others in discord and some of this has been viewable through some of my other posts and all but, here’s a big block of text explaining why i fall in and out of tumblr, discord and everywhere else i exist online

TL;DR?:  I’m depressed, anxious, & or in a panic pretty much all the time, and disability has really effed me over.

I lived in an incredibly quietly abusive home for the last fifteen years of my life. I am just now turned twenty.

when i say this, i don’t mean it in any kind of roundabout way, and it’s really only been in the last year that i realized that this is what i was living. and i will come out and say that i don’t even think my parents realized this was how they were treating me, that this was the kind of household they were building for me. and honestly, it was a way worse experience for me than it was or will be for my younger siblings (i hope).

the fact of the matter is, my biological mother was a drug addicted alcoholic, since the birth of my sister who is only two years younger than me. my mother was not a very good role model mother in really any way, and i really honestly wish i had more to offer than this basic, umbrella-like summary. but it’s so bad that i have almost no memory of what my mother was like, personally. i don’t remember her voice, her face, or any of that. she died of an overdose when i was eleven. It’s been nine years and, really, I have more memories that are worth my time remembering after the fact. i grew to hate my mother with my entire being, and her death wasn’t something i dealt with right.

even now, i haven’t dealt with it well, but i have let go of the anger that really held me back.

since that moment of my life, it seemed like an event that became who i was. i was the kid who’s mom died, i was friendless and depressed, and i acted like everything was fine, and i honestly still do. eventually, of course, things moved on --- my dad found another woman to love, who became the mother i wished i always had. of course, there was a lot of internal conflict as this happened, something that while i was never aware of it, happened no matter what i really believed. evidently, at the end of the day, losing your biological mother is something that really changes you, especially when she went by way of suicide.

my father remarried in 20...14? maybe? i really don’t remember --- my years and months really started running together in my mind, and honestly my memory has never been something to brag about when it comes to my own life. life seemed to be okay but really, there was a lot of conflict between my family and i. my father is a military man, and was heavily heavily abused as a child, and almost killed by his own mom. but he was an abusive father by way of mental and emotional abuse, especially once i entered high school. i was constantly compared to my mother, which i hated because she took her own life, and she was the worst role model of my life. my father had a habit of callling me useless, or telling me i would never amount to anything. in his mind, he was doing me a favor --- trying to make me realize i needed to change. but all he did was instill a hopelessness inside of me that he would never understand or admit to giving me or being part of. 

my self esteem tanked by the time i was a sophomore in school, and my grades began to really see a dip. i was spending less time on my schooling, because i was exploring hobbies that my father didn’t approve of, which meant i was spending more time hiding the things that made me happy than i was studying. school was becoming something i didn’t like as much as i once did --- it was getting so hard to find joy in anything, and i realize now that was the major & chronic depression that i would later be diagnosed with. but all i heard from my parents at that time was that i was sick in the head --- that i would turn out dead like my own mother, a drug addict and homeless and useless. and eventually, a thought hit --- why bother?

when i was in the summer year between my sophomore and junior year of high school, the summer of 2016, i made a plan to take my own life, because i felt like such a burden.

i was not the most aware of what would work --- and i was very against going through something painful --- so i found an amalgamation of every prescription and non-prescription drug in the house. which was quite a lot. and i would siphone pills through the day, slowly, so it was less noticeable.

when my family found them, they refused to believe that i was depressed and suicidal, instead choosing to believe i was selling pills at school, peddling fake drugs (considering there were pre-natals among my stash, which, admittedly, wouldn’t have done much). instead of ever offering and following through with counseling, they asked me one time when i was fourteen and never actually put me into a place. they make the excuse now that it would not have been beneficial if i didn’t want it, but i recall several times speaking to them about getting into counseling and nothing ever coming of it.

the next two years would be a total rollercoaster. at seventeen, a predator was contacting me and trying to get photos, my location, even so much as meeting up with me. my parents put me through hell for talking to the guy --- and now i realize that whether or not i was an older female, i was still under eighteen and being taken advantage of. my principal and secretary of the school got involved, and i became more suicidal than ever. i lost friends due to the state of mind i had.

luckily, i graduated high school and turned eighteen, and this seemed to be the end of my forseeable problems. i had been working through high school, and though my family had forced me to resign from the last workplace due to workplace drama and claiming my coworkers were bad influences, I was searching for jobs and hopeful for getting into college.

i was not the perfect child at home (i rebelled against chores like any kid, and when i worked, i was even less reliable for doing chores because i was never home to cause the mess but somehow it was always my job to clean it up when i had a sister two years younger who was FULLY capable, but thats just another story tbh), but professional help has also made me see that i was not deserving of the kind of punishments my father put me through, including being lectured at about how much of a failure child i was for over three hours almost per night during the summer. i did not experiment with drugs as a high school student, i never attempted to run away or sneak out, i had a few thief instances that never recurred the way my younger sister’s instances were monthly. 

in july, barely a month and a half after graduating and turning eighteen, my parents kicked me out. i had nowhere to go, no money to help me, and no amount of help from them. and yet, i managed to move into a place a few weeks after the news.

it was a huge mistake.

i had found someone on craigslist (BAD IDEA PAST ME) renting out a room in their home. they lived an hour from the nearest bus stop (an hour walking) but close to the downtown area. rent was about half of what i made in a month. and very quickly, there were problems. once i had the place found, i had no other options --- the few other places that were that cheap were no longer available, and my deadline was coming up. the place itself was pretty atrocious --- dirty and gross, BUT i was told it was being fixed over the next month and i thought if i could help out, no problems.  there were cats (i was allergic, though it did eventually seem to fall out from me living there) and even a bird that was loud and annoying. the cons really outweighed any pros, but it had taken a long time to find the place, and i was not sure i would make my deadline before my parents dropped me off at a shelter. plus, i was supposed to be going to school in the next few months for college, with loans and all, and it should have been fine!

just kidding.

i moved in, met the three other roommates, and began the downward spiral. i was almost immediately out of money --- rent was far too much, and i couldn’t buy groceries afterwards. my phone bill lapsed a few times, and i never was able to finish paying off the deposit. my routine became something terrible. i only ate once a day, while at work with my free meal. and on saturday and sunday, which i didn’t work, i only ate a little bit, if one of my friends happened to give me food out of pity, or else i didn’t eat anything. i started stocking up on CLIF bars, because i could eat one and sleep the rest of the day with little issues.

i slept on the floor of the room, miserable, in a panic. the landlord (who also lived in the living room of the place but worked) was horrible. he essentially demanded that i take care of him while he was home, and expected me to just do it because he hadn’t kicked me out yet for not having the deposit paid.

eventually, i had enough. one of the other roommates, his name was Josh, was getting tired of the same treatment. and my final straw was when i found out the landlord searched through my room without asking and while i wasn’t there. so he and i got together, started looking for a place closer to town, and gave him a verbal/written notice of moving out. 

however, this fell through, too. josh lost the money he had for the apartment two weeks before we were supposed to move, and so i had to scramble to find a place. i got lucky --- a really good friend of mine talked to her mom and they took me in when he couldn’t recover the money. i left josh with some of my things until i had a permanent place.

he stole half of all of my belongings, about five hundred dollars worth of miscallaneous stuff.

josh disappeared off the face of the planet, after faking his own death to me via his ex. it got wild, and i almost (and should have) took it to the police to get my things. but because his whereabouts are really unknown to me, it was going to be a way more expensive process than i was into. 

around that same time, my financial aid for school fell through due to some change, and without any cosigner for a loan, i had no option but to drop out -- and still got footed for a bill of $1700. for school i couldn’t and never did attend. 

the following year of this was not that bad --- my friend’s mom moved out of the house and left it to us. it was a really nice, three bed and two baths with a nice kitchen. they bought me a bed and bed frame, as i had previously been sleeping on the couch, without a mattress of any kind (Josh stole it). i was so grateful.

but after a year, too, she had gotten a boyfriend and they were talking about moving to nashville for his job (they’re there now, congrats to them!) and her mom was going to sell the house.

at this point, my family was in some contact with me again --- my mother and i had less issues than i had with my father, and she found out the situation and offered me to come back home. they were having issues with my younger sister, and i think they hoped my newfound independence could rub off. they would charge me no rent.

I agreed, a huge mistake. I know this now --- but at the time, I wanted their approval and wanted nothing more than to live with my family without problems, which is what was promised to me. They acknowledged I was an adult. This was a lie.

once back home, things were supposed to get better. or be better, rather. but it was immediate to me that it was not true --- once again, all of my decisions were being scrutinized by my family. i would work most of the day, and if i didn’t come home and socialize, i was getting long talks about being part of the “family.” i tried to accomodate all of this, and still it was not enough. if i was spending my money on anything they didn’t approve of, i was getting lectured about it. from the months of august 2018 until the end of january 2019, i was miserable, and depressed, and wanted nothing more than to die.

at the end of december, right before christmas, i finally found a counselor. my family had made it a must for me --- if i wanted to continue living there, i had to go to counseling. so i found a place and someone i began to trust. not long after, i started realizing just how bad i felt in life at home, and my counselor (agreeing for the first and last time with my family) mentioned an in-patient therapy place.

SO, in January, I went to an in-patient hospital for three weeks to undergo constant watch, and this would change my life.

the most recent big event in my life had been me breaking up with my girlfriend. some of you may know of her already, known as ruby, pretty prominent in the youtube rp fandom. she was abusive. not only to me but to others, and though i was warned, i dated her, fell in love with her, and she proceeded to make me feel bad for everything i wanted to do or did. so in the months between november and january, i was being put down by not only my family, who were still calling me useless, worthless, ignorant, and made to be my mother, my girlfriend was also making me feel bad for talking to other people, for spending time playing games and having hobbies that didn’t involve her. 

when i went to this hospital, i was under watch 24/7 for three weeks. they took my vitals, watched my every move. and i was supposed to be on track for finding my weaknesses.

This experience was vital for me --- but it also broke me down.

i was suddenly feeling every emotion i ever hid from myself. i felt myself break down and instead of hiding behind the solid walls i used to have, i had nothing to defend myself with. every thought about the family that seemed to tear me down, tore me down all over again. every thought about how my exgirlfriend saw ME as abusive or neglectful for not being awake at midnight to greet her from work had me in tears and believing no one would ever love me. it felt like someone ripped out my heart and threw it down to let everyone who ever wanted to trample it, do so without a fight.

it took three weeks to come back, and i was a broken woman. i had a better knowledge about myself, how my emotions worked and what i needed to do, but i was raw to the world, and my father supposedly understood. but it was clear to me, within the next week, that this was wrong. he wasted no time continuing to tell me that i wasn’t trying hard enough, that i wasn’t putting any effort into my life. that i was content to lay around and was worthless and just like my mother. 

so i left. i called someone i met while i was away, and he helped me move out that day. but my panic was non-stop. i couldn’t work the way i used to --- panic attacks were happening more often, and i was calling out more because of it. i ended up quitting out of fear of being fired, because i couldn’t get up every day anymore and go to work the way i used to.

eventually i moved again --- i found a guy i got along with really well, liked a lot. his family was very generous --- but they eventually kicked me out too. and now, i’m living with an old friend of mine, her family like my second family. but i changed --- i have a whole slew of medicines i’m supposed to take daily in order to function without panic in my daily life. debt’s come back around, and work has become harder to find. i’ve recognized that i have a disability, in the form of major and chronic depression, bipolar, and ptsd from my mother’s death and further abuse. i don’t get job responses the way i once did, and there are days where i stay in bed (on the couch where i live now) all day, panicking about the fact that i’m considered homeless, that i have no job, that i’m losing insurance soon and college is slowly slipping through my fingers. applying for disability guarantees me nothing, and marking myself as disabled, when compared to last year when i didn’t, has resulted in less interest in my resume, whch is great

i’m trying for commissions for art or writing. i’m trying to write a novel to maybe make something of myself. but i don’t know what to do. 

so. if you’ve ever wondered why i don’t stick around all day like i used to, if you ever wonder why you haven’t heard from me in a week or longer, there’s why. 

[inelegantcosplay]

Surviving the Con: Food

Alternatively Titled: How Not To Starve To Death Because You’re Having So Much Fun You Forget To Eat For Three Days

Listen, I get it. Time moves differently at a con. It’s easy to forget about lunch and other mundane mainstays of a daily routine when there are panels to be attended, autographs to stand in line for, and cosplays to be paraded around and photographed. So as a reminder as much for myself as anyone else, and with Katsucon approaching faster than the falling blade of a guillotine (but, like, in a good way), I thought it appropriate to spend a few minutes neglecting my heap of incomplete costumes and break down the complicated relationship between cons and food. And how to weather it.

The Lay of The Land

Food options on site at a con will range from fantastic to pathetic, depending mostly on the venue and a little on the location. Sometimes you get lucky and there’s a full-on food court with lots of inexpensive options for food that’s not even terrible. Sometimes, your only option is one of those portable stands with a warmer box full of pizza that's about as fresh as you feel around 4pm on Sunday. And it costs $15. Lookin’ at you, Otakon. No bueno. 

A lot of cons will have a concession stand running in the vendor hall/artist alley area. The food quality will vary from meh to downright depressing, and the prices are pretty uniformly unfortunate. Often, there’s a restaurant inside or attached to the venue. These usually have pretty good food, but you’re paying through the nose for it. Katsucon in particular comes to mind, with its swanky indoor atrium and the sports bar contained therein. There might also be restaurants within a block or two of the con. That’s about as far as I’m willing to travel in cosplay before my anxiety starts to literally cause me to shrink. If you’re less inhibited you can venture further. The point is, get the lay of the land early. Scope out your options before it’s 4pm on Friday and you’re gnawing on the corner of that fan art print you just bought because you haven’t eaten all day. Know where your best option is for real food. Know where your second best option is.

Breakfast (And Optionally, Coffee)

The most important meal of the day. My friends, do not just drink coffee. You will have a bad time. Put something in your stomach at the start of your day. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a con that didn’t have a conveniently located Starbucks, but if you don’t want to spend money on breakfast, plan ahead! Grab a couple of granola bars or bananas to bring to the con. You can keep yogurt in your hotel room mini fridge, if you’re a yogurt person. Bagels don’t have to be toasted to be edible. Neither do pop tarts (I know, not a whole lot of nutritional value but we’re talking survival here).

Snacks

The list of reasons why it’s a good idea to have pockets or pouches of some nature on your cosplay extends far beyond “snacks,” but “snacks” is probably near the top. Clif bars fit excellently inside a cell-phone-sized pocket or pouch. You guys, the chocolate brownie flavored ones don’t even taste healthy. It’s great. Keeping fruits and veggies in the room that you don’t need to cook is a great idea for when you collapse in the middle of the day to make repairs, change your cosplay, or otherwise rest and recover. Things like grapes, carrots, cherry tomatoes, berries, etc! If that sounds too healthy for you, use the in-room coffee maker without the little coffee pouch to get hot water for your cup noodles. But be careful children, that’s a lot of sodium. I’m sorry.

Water

Some cons will try to place water coolers at convenient locations around the venue, but don’t rely on this. Even if they’re around, they might be empty. (A lot of them have them in panel rooms more often than in the hallway, so if you’re wandering the con dying of thirst, try ducking into a room, often there’s a water cooler or pitcher near the back.) Carrying water around isn’t always convenient or possible, so don’t pass up an opportunity to hydrate if it presents itself. When you’re snacking or eating lunch or dinner remember to drink something!

Listen to your body. It may be trying to tell you that you need food, even if you don’t feel explicitly hungry. I’m exactly the sort of person who only thinks about the last time she ate when she’s lightheaded and wondering why she suddenly feels so crabby when really, she’s having a great time. I’ll start to get really lethargic and kind of sad, but I rarely feel my stomach grumbling or any of the usual signs of hunger. I don’t know why, but at least I know now what it means and how to fix it. The key to all of this is planning ahead. If you wait until you’re starving to figure out your food options, you’re more likely to fork over $20 for the first basket of fries you see, or even worse, you may decide not to eat because all the options are too expensive. Please eat. Don’t die. You can do it.

Surviving the Con: Hotel Rooms

[katiescookingblog]

Snacks and you

With school coming up (or already starting for some of you!), I know it can be such a hassle trying to get everything ready to get back to campus or to simply get everything ready to begin school. This year it’s different and even more stressful! With the pandemic, face masks, online school, etc., getting ready for school is even harder than it used to be. Who has time to think about food with twenty other things on the brain?

This year, as I make my way back to campus (finally!!), I realize I won’t be rushing to class except once a week. That means I'll be sitting around my dorm room with my laptop. What’s the one thing I do when I’m bored? Snack! I snack on anything and everything (candy, potato chips, fruit, you name it) that finds itself within my reach. This semester, as I live in an apartment-style dorm that’s right down the street from our campus store, I’m determined to cook healthier and stop snacking!

I have three secrets when it comes to snacking:

I chew gum

I cook hearty meals that fill me up

Or, should 1 and 2 fail me: 3. I get a healthy, filling snack

I often times find myself chewing at the insides of my lips. This is painful and it becomes a bad habit quickly! What I do when I’m home for the summer (or for quarantine), I grab food to stop chewing on my cheeks. This is nearly as bad as my cheek chewing habit. Chewing gum negates this habit, and it gives me a minty taste in my mouth. Not only do I enjoy that, but it also simulates the “I just brushed my teeth” feeling, making me less likely to eat.

When you’re full, you’re less likely to snack. Now, I’ve had (many) times where I’ve had a big meal and then got up to grab a snack less than half an hour later. So this isn’t a surefire thing, but it definitely helps! I won’t put any recipes here, but anything that features protein (tofu, beans, meat, etc.) is bound to be filling.

Snacking is sometimes unavoidable. Whether you’re eating a to-go breakfast, cramming something in your mouth in between zoom meetings, or grabbing the most available (i.e., closest) food, snacking is just a part of the day.

Before I get into which snacks are more nutritious for you, here are a few tips on how to actively choose healthier snacks:

We’ve all heard it said many times before any time we look up advice on how to eat healthier. Keep the junk food out of the way! If it’s harder to reach, you’ll be less likely to eat it. If this means keeping it on a high shelf, towards the back of the pantry, or putting a blanket over the cake container, try not to let yourself physically see it! This can be hard, and, if you live at home or with roommates, some members of the house may be a little aggravated if you start shuffling things around. I know that whenever I’m with my family, we have a shelf in the pantry about chest-level where we keep the candy, small desserts, and snack-sized chocolates. I don’t think I’ll be able to move that around, since it’s been there for nearly five years (the space dedicated to the candy, not the candy!). It’s especially hard when I open both doors of the pantry and see granola bars on my right and chocolate on my left. If you find yourself unable to move food around, try to have an image in your mind about what you want to snack on. If I think about a granola bar for most of the day and how we have just the kind I like, I’ll be more inclined to grab one.

The second tip I have is a little harder to follow, especially if you’re somewhere with people who share food with you. If you’re able, keep junk food out of the house! Avoid the candy aisle in grocery stores, and don’t even think about the freezer section filled with your favorite frozen treats. (An extra tip on grocery stores: stick to your list! And yes, writing dessert on your list is cheating)

Thirdly, ask yourself if you would eat an apple (or a banana). If the answer is no, you’re probably not hungry. If you really wouldn’t eat an apple because you “just don’t want an apple” (oh how I’ve used that excuse before!), ask yourself the same question with a different, healthier option before you grab the new bag of potato chips that are calling your name.

The last tip I have is mind-blowingly simple: drink water!! Drinking water is good for you, and it’s actually a natural appetite suppressant and can help you lose weight.

When you feel like you just absolutely have to eat something, regardless if you’re hungry or bored, here are some good snack options!

Fruit

Any sort of fruit, whether it’s an apple, a banana, a handful of blueberries, or a mango! Fruit is always a delicious option that works no matter the time, day, or season! I personally adore peaches, even if they’re straight from a can.

Vegetables

Whether it’s baby carrots, a veggie tray, or a whole tomato, vegetables are an amazing option to snack on

Peanut butter and celery or graham crackers

If you’re allergic to peanuts, try almond butter! If you’re allergic to nuts in general, try sunflower seed butter! You can do ants on a log (raisins, peanut butter, celery) and it’s still just as good, but I’m not a big fan of raisins. You can try unsweetened/dark chocolate chips for that healthy chocolate crunch!

Yogurt

I really like flavored yogurts, although plain, 2%, or fat-free is your best bet to be the healthiest option. Try it with loose (plain) granola for a crunch! I like to call that “interesting cereal”

Nuts

Nuts are super healthy! Pistachios, peanuts, cashews, almonds, and walnuts are all wonderful! No matter which nut you choose, unsalted is always healthiest! Unless, of course, you’re allergic. Maybe steer clear of this one if you are

Granola bars

Chewy, crunchy, Nature Valley, KIND, Clif Bars, Quaker, whatever your preference, granola bars are awesome! Be forewarned of just how much sugar is in whichever type you choose (less than 10 grams is optimal)

I’ve kept these options simple. I know when I think of snacks, it’s usually the prepackaged stuff. I’m not looking to spend more than five minutes in the kitchen trying to make myself a snack. I consider dipping graham crackers in peanut butter “making myself a snack.”

[fourteenacross]

If you do a preview please can it be happy? Thank You!

Three votes for “happy,” so happy it is! 

(This is obviously still  A DRAFT and unbetaed and, honestly, not even spell-checked at this point.)

*

The Sunday of their Mets game dawns bright, if cloudy. Alex, who had been watching the weather all week in hopes of the threatening rain making an appearance, groans when John opens the blinds.

“You’re acting like I’m bringing you to your fucking execution,” John says. “You’ll have your fucking tablet, it’s not like I’m ripping away your connection to the outside world and forcing you to watch the game. They have wifi at Citi Field. But I think being there you’ll learn to appreciate the beauty of–”

Alex rolls over and lets out an obnoxious fake snore.

“Ha ha,” John says. “You’re an asshole.”

“I’m an asshole who loves you,” Alex says, lifting his head up to pout at John. “I’m an asshole who’s agreed to spend a whole fucking day in the outdoors in June when it’s gonna be like, ninety degrees because it’s important to you.”

Ugh, John hates how true all of that is. It’s hard to be mad when he knows that, yes, Alex is doing something he hates because he knows how happy it will make John.

“I hate it so much when you have a right to be smug about something,” John mutters. Alex beams at him and sits up, hugging him around the waist.

“I’m always right,” he says, nuzzling John’s shoulder.

“You’re always a shithead,” John says.

He leaves Alex in bed and heads to the kitchen, just as Mrs. Upstairs bellows and drops something hard enough that the water in the coffee carafe he’s filling ripples and trembles. It seems they’ve woken up just in time to avoid being woken by today’s circus.

John puts on coffee and shoves some stale-but-not-moldy bread into the toaster. He starts to throw together some stuff to bring into the city–water bottles, sunglasses, a back-up battery for Alex’s iPad, some Clif bars that they can hopefully sneak past stadium security, a snapback for Alex which he will initially turn his nose up at and then eagerly accept once the sun is directly overhead–when Alex wanders out, frowning at his phone.

“Hey, so, I posted on Facebook that you were dragging me to a baseball game today,” he says, looking up at John, “and Ned commented and asked if we had time to have dinner with him after? I guess he’s living in Queens for the summer?”

John needs to think about that twice to process it. He knew, intellectually, that Alex has a foster brother living and going to school in the city, but the idea of meeting him had never even crossed his mind.

“Do you…want to?” John asks carefully. Alex doesn’t talk much about about the Stevens family as his guardians, though he’s chatty about working with Mr. Stevens at the paranormal shop he owned on the island. He knows that Ned helped get Alex into Columbia on very short notice, but that’s about all he knows.

“Sure,” Alex says, shrugging. “I mean, as long as you want to. It’s been like, a year since I’ve seen Ned. Which is weird, wow. Time is weird.”

“Yeah, I’d love to,” John says. Belatedly, he realizes, “Oh, fuck, but Herc. Is it okay if Herc comes with us?” Or maybe Alex already assumed Herc would be coming with them, given they’re going to the game together. Maybe John’s just the asshole for thinking of this as a family thing, as the closest thing to meet-the-parents either of them will likely ever have.

“Gotta ask him next,” Alex says, but, as if on cue, there’s a knock at their door. “Good timing.”

It is, of course, Hercules waiting outside once John opens the door. He’s in a Knicks t-shirt, which is at least the right colors, if not the right sport.

“Yo,” he says. “I know I’m early, but I could hear my fucking cousins….”

He trails off and looks at the ceiling as Mrs. and Mr. Upstairs continue to shout and possibly move furniture.

“What the fuck?” he asks.

“Welcome to life in the shoebox,” John says dryly.

“It’s like this every day?” Herc asks.

“More or less,” Alex says. “Hey, unrelated to domestic disturbances, do you have plans for after the game?”

“I actually wanted to talk to you kids about that,” Herc says. “I don’t want to bail on you, but Lizzie texted me last night. She’s in town for a couple days and wanted to know if I’d be around for dinner tonight.”

“Lizzie?” Alex perks up. “Like…?” He makes a vague, complicated gesture that involves pointing at John. Herc nods.

“One and the same,” he says. “But if you guys have plans….”

“Actually,” Alex says, “my foster brother just asked if we had time to have dinner with him after the game. So.” He shrugs.

“Awesome,” Herc says. “I’ll tell Lizzie we’re on for tonight. You kids gonna put on pants, or…?”

“You’re early,” John reminds him. “But yeah.” To Alex he says, “It’ll be quicker to share as long as you keep your hands to yourself.”

“I can…probably do that,” Alex says. “Let me just text Ned.”

Both Alex and John manage to keep their hands to themselves for the length of a quick shower and they’re on a train into the city not half an hour later. Alex spends the train ride furiously redlining an article for some journal and Herc plays a game on his phone and John sits between them with his eyes closed, attempting to ward off motion sickness. He’s better on the subway, but it’s still a long ride from Penn Station to Times Square to Citi Field.

They’re not even halfway there when Alex plucks the hem of John’s ‘86 Hernandez jersey and then the hem of Herc’s t-shirt.

“Hey,” he says. “Same color, different teams. Is this a name thing? Like, the team changed its name?”

“Nah,” Herc says. “I’m a Yankees fan. Don’t own any Mets shit, so I’m going with another New York team as a neutral.”

“And the Yankees are…?”

“The other New York baseball team,” John says. “They play in the Bronx. Even you have to know who the Yankees are, you fucking lived in New York for two years.”

Alex sniffs. “Well, sorry, I had other, more pressing matters to attend to and didn’t have time for–”

John cuts him off. “Oh, please. If you spent two minutes paying attention instead of being like, performatively disdainful–”

“I’m not disdainful!” Alex insists. “I’m….”

John gives him a few seconds of silence before saying, “What?”

“…I don’t know,” Alex admits, “something that makes me sound better than disdainful.”

“You two done?” Herc asks, elbowing Alex who bumps into John.

“Probably not,” John says.

“You should be used to us by now,” Alex adds.

“Y'all are meant for each other,” Herc says, but he’s smiling.

The rest of the ride to the stadium passes without incident and soon enough John is swept up into the giddy rush of going to a ballgame. The Mets are his team and have been since seeing their minor league club play out in Columbia when he was a kid, but he’d be just as excited about any game. Up in Cambridge, a guy in his fraternity had season Red Sox tickets and John bought a handful of games off of him, usually the ones no one else wanted. Sure, it’s great to watch his team play and cheer them on, but for him, most of the time it’s just the experience. He loves being in the ballpark and watching the game and sitting in the sun and feeling the energy of the crowd. It doesn’t matter if it’s major league or minor league or even high school baseball–there’s not much outside of parapsych that makes John feel connected to the world around him, but baseball is pretty high up on the list.

He wants to share this with Alex, even though he knows he’s destined for failure. Alex is a self-proclaimed indoor kid. He may ride his bike everywhere, but it’s for practical reasons rather than any stab at regular exercise. He thinks John is weird for going to the gym regularly and thinks he’s insane for running when he can’t get to the gym. There hasn’t been a single sport that’s caught his attention in almost a year of living with John and sitting on the couch while John watched whatever was in season. On top of all that, he’s just kind of…a snob. He thinks sports are for people who don’t have anything better to do, who aren’t as engaged in academics and politics and intellectual pursuits as he is. Baseball is below him–all sports are below him–and he’s unlikely to look up from his iPad the entire afternoon.

Still, he’s here. He let John bring him here. And even if it’s only because he loves John like crazy, that’s still something.

[theweddingofthefoxes]

A little prompt for you: Ben Solo is obsessed with figuring out what color Armitage Hux's eyes are

Using this as a part 2 to the one I wrote earlier this evening! Read here:

The Denny’s sits a block down the road from the high school down past the tennis courts and the blacktop where the pool used to be. An easy walk, and the diner is comforting – it’s like, whether you’re there at 2 pm or 2 am, there’s always the same sort of people in there. High schoolers, rowdy couples more interested in one another than their bacon and eggs, old folks wearing hats emblazoned with POW-MIA-WE WILL NEVER FORGET. The waitress seats Ben and the red-haired boy by the window, in a booth. When the redhead sits his backpack down next to him and opens it up to get his wallet out, Ben can see, at last, his name on an Introduction to Sociology binder: Armitage Hux. Armitage. What a name.

“So when did you move here?” Ben asks, shoving his hair out of his face so he can look at the menu, even though he already knows he wants a platter of nachos and a Coke. It’s nice to eat with Armitage in a space where they can actually spread out, not squished up in the pool closet. Though that has its charms, he supposes. Scrawny and pale though he is, the kid has an awfully nice looking face, and his hair is sleek and well-groomed, and his eyes…

“Two weeks ago. My father works for the military, so – well, when they say move, we move, despite the fact I had literally ten weeks to go before graduating at my last school. Not that my last school was that much better, you know?”

Ben nods, even though he’s never been to any other high school and has no basis of comparison. “Will you go to college back where you came from?”

“No, I’ve been accepted at a college about two hours from here. My father wanted me to join the military too, but. He certainly can’t complain about me being ambitious.”

Drinks are brought, and Armitage goes quiet, like he doesn’t want the waitress to overhear his plans for the future. As he stirs his Sprite, Ben finds himself wondering exactly what color his eyes are. They seem to shift with every tiny movement of his eyes, more blue when he glances to the side because he heard a baby start to cry at the table behind them, more green when he peers out the window at a crow that is nabbing something from parking lot beyond. When he looks squarely at Ben, they seem to be both. 

“Can I ask you something that you don’t have to answer?” Ben ventures, when Armitage meets his eyes again, the perfect balance of blue and green drawing the question out of him.

“Go for it,” Armitage answers, and it’s like a dare. 

“What did you like, get hit over?”

Armitage blinks. He wasn’t expecting this question, clearly.

“Like I said. You don’t have to answer. I just. They’re fucking assholes, I know. I’m just.” Ben almost knocks over his Coke, trying to move it out of the way so he can articulate with his hands. “You know?” He has no idea how Armitage could, honestly.  

“It wasn’t really anything in particular,” Armitage answers. “Like, when you’re a skinny, stuck-up kid with kombucha for lunch, it’s inevitable. I’d fit right in in an art school. Oh, well.”

That false airiness, again. It gives Ben a twinge of irritation, but also of sadness. Somehow he could just tell that Armitage likes to deflect issues this way, rather than addressing it head-on. The waitress comes by to ask them what they’ll be having and nothing more is said on that particular topic, though Ben is determined to find out who the specific culprit is behind the darkening bruise on the side of Armitage’s mouth. When I do…

It is a romantic, overblown, macho notion. Immediately leaping to the defense of some hapless new kid with gorgeous changeable eyes. For all Ben knows, this kid really wouldn’t appreciate it, might get angry at such a display. But still, Ben can dream.

They talk more about themselves, about their classes, and college, and what they plan to do over the summer. Armitage is easy to talk to–he has a sharp, pleasantly sour wit, like a dash of vinegar on good food. When he looks over at the burger and fries that’s being presented to him by the waitress upon her return, his blue? green? eyes sparkle with hunger, and Ben wonders if that Clif bar was all he had eaten that day. The lusty way he chomps into the burger, piled with bacon and cheddar and red onions that are slipping out, that suggests he’s fucking starving.

“Good?”

Armitage can only nod as dripping roll down his chin. “Shit,” he says, mouth full, dabbing at it with a napkin in a way that’s almost dainty. “Sorry.”

“If it’s good, you gotta jump right in,” Ben counters. 

It takes less time than Ben expects for Armitage to take down the burger, and then he goes right for the fries. “Want some?” he asks Ben, and Ben’s not one to turn down free food. Exactly like the movies, so sudden and so casual that it almost takes a second for Ben to process it, their hands meet in the fry pile, and neither of them jerk back the way the dudebros back at school might. They don’t exactly cuddle right there in the greasy fries, but the way they draw back is soft, sort of unwilling. Armitage’s face goes red, but his expression is that easy cat-face that he was making in the pool closet.

“You’re the only person at that school worth a damn, you know that?” Armitage says softly, and then pops a fry into his mouth.

Ben does not end up asking Armitage if this is a date, but then again, that answer suggests he never had to. He spends all that evening thinking about those eyes, blue to grey to green and back again, never settling, and it is utterly hypnotic.

[jonasmaurer]

San Diego Adventures

Hey hey! How’s the morning going? Hope you’re having a wonderful day so far. This morning, the girls are off to camp, I have a podcast interview, and I’m looking forward to catching a barre class later. 

For today’s post, I thought I’d share some San Diego adventures. It’s still one of our favorite places to visit, and we love it even more after living there for 2 1/2 years. We don’t have the “see everything, do everything” pressure that often accompanies visiting a new place. We hang out at our beloved spots and don’t feel rushed or hurried. It was a *real* vacation: lots of downtime on the beach, eating at incredible spots, and watching the pure joy on the girls faces.

We got into San Diego on Wednesday afternoon, and after dropping the dogs off with our favorite dog sitter and groomer (the dogs had a vacation, too!), we headed to our Airbnb. It was our first time using it as a family, and I highly recommend it. (We used it for the Beautycounter LEAD conference and it was such a great experience, I couldn’t wait to try it with the fam.) We dropped off our luggage, and then went to OB Noodle House for dinner. Betsy, Jeremy, and the kids met us there, and we had the best dinner of spring rolls, lettuce wraps, dumplings, and pho. No one makes pho like OB Noodle House. We often order it at other restaurants and it’s always good, but it’s never quite as good.

We took the kids for ice cream at Baskin Robbins and then went back to the Airbnb to call it a night.

Thursday was 4th of July, so after an easy breakfast at the Airbnb, coffee from Better Buzz (decaf best drink ever, half sweet), we headed to Betsy’s mom’s house for an epic 4th of July BBQ and pool party. The kids swam for about 3 hours, only taking breaks to eat a hot dog or s’more and immediately jump back in. We sat on the grass, enjoyed amazing food – the spread was out of control – and chatted with everyone. It was perfect.

We left late afternoon for nap time, and after P was awake and ready for party #2, we went over to Betsy’s to hang out by their pool. We got pizza delivered, roasted s’mores over the fire pit, and the adults drank wine out of solo cups while the kids swam again. The girls were in the pool pretty much all day and couldn’t be happier.

Friday, I took an early Cyclebar class, and then we packed up the crew for a day at Bonita Cove. We put out our pop-up tent and set up beach chairs. I was surprised by how cold it was! It was in the 60s, which was freezing to me, but didn’t stop the kids from splashing in the water. We built sand castles, the kids played on the playground, and they got ice cream from the ice cream man. 

Friday night, we had dinner at Crack Shack downtown. I’m not even a fried chicken person, but I LOVE their fried chicken. I’m so glad I didn’t know about Crack Shack while I was pregnant with P because I’d probably have grease marks all over my stretched-out lululemon tanks. It’s that good. I got the Baja chopped salad with smoked chicken, had a piece of fried chicken, and we all shared deviled eggs and super soft biscuits with sweet and salty butter. 

(Got a couple of questions about this dress! Stitch Fix sent it to me when they sent the kids’ boxes and the brand is Free People. It’s on sale right now in coral here.)

After dinner, we headed to Belmont Park so the girls could ride all of their favorite rides. We got them wristbands and they both went on every ride they were tall enough to do. My face hurt from laughing so hard at the Vertical Plunge ride. Liv was an absolute statue and P would shriek and giggle at every single drop. I’m kind of terrified for the future when they’re dragging me on scary roller roasters. 

Sunday morning we had brunch at our favorite spot (Great Maple! Get a spot on OpenTable if you go!) and spending the afternoon hanging out with Betsy and the crew. I was so glad we got to spend so much time with them on this trip. We decided a month is about how long we can go without all getting together.

(We were in Alaska with them not too long ago!)

Of course, it’s not a trip to San Diego without a stop at Tiki Port.

(This is the Drifter bowl + peanut butter)

We had the best time on the trip, and also managed to save a bit of $. We’re trying to be more strategic with our finances this year, so here are some things that helped:

– Staying in an Airbnb (<— my referral link gives you $40 off!). In the end, it was about $100 less per night than we would have spent at a hotel, and it was so much more convenient with the kids. We had a full kitchen, laundry room, dining room, a sofa bed, and while P napped on the master bed, we could all hang out in the living room together. The link to the one we used is here! It had a great central location and was perfect. I highly recommend it.

– We didn’t go out to eat for every single meal. Before we hit the road to San Diego, I packed a small cooler with items we had on hand (and a giant thing of blueberries that would have gone bad while we were gone), and a grocery bag with lots of snacks. We had breakfast at the Airbnb most days (I brought berries, apples, bananas, cereal, oatmeal, and when we arrived, we grabbed some almond milk and eggs, which we hard-boiled). On the 4th of July, we had lunch at the party, and the following day at the beach, I packed the cooler up with snacks. (A loaf of Dave’s Killer bread with peanut butter and jelly to make sandwiches for all the kids, trail mix, Clif bars, dried mango, fruit pouches, and LaCroix.)

We had about 1 *good* meal out each day, and it was perfect. There was also something magical about not having to hurry up and get the girls dressed to head to a restaurant first thing in the morning. We had relaxing breakfast at the Airbnb and got ready for the day.

– Enjoying experiences that didn’t cost a thing. The beach day was completely free (minus a trip to the ice cream truck) and we were all living our best summer lives.

Do you have any hacks for saving money on vacation? We like to travel (a lot), so I’m looking forward to reading your tips! 

Have a wonderful day and I’ll see ya soon.

xoxo

Gina

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[agirlnamedally]

Hey homegurl (I'm sorry I'm really nervous I haven't asked you anything before) I'm travelling to the old US and A next year ( lil bit west coast, absolute national park enthusiast) I was wondering how much ($💸) you'd recommend for a solo low key trip per month- thank you I love you

Hey cutie, no need to be nervous :)

How exciting for you! Any fan of the parks is a pal of mine. 

Honestly, budgeting is totally unique for each person. It will depend on where you’re staying, what season you go in, what kind of pass you buy (I recommend getting the annual pass, it’s only $80 and will give you entry to all the parks in the states), and I believe all national parks in Canada are free to visit this year so head up that way too if you can! Accommodation will vary greatly, so maybe look into getting yourself some cheap camping gear, or seeing if you can set up a bed in your car (if you feel safe that way). Splitting costs with a friend will greatly reduce your fees (things like petrol, accommodation etc that you’d be paying for anyway). I think you could easily eat on $50 or less per week if you budget well and stick to staples like oats, rice, pasta, beans, lentils, etc and aren’t eating out too often. Invest in things like Clif bars and trail mix to sustain you on hikes or day trips, as well as a refillable water bottle.

I can’t really give you any real figures because it depends on so many different factors, but all I can say with travel is that it is what you make it. Travelling is my #1 passion in life and I want to do it as much as possible, so I always try to do it on a shoestring budget. I take overnight/redeye flights to save money on accommodation, will spend up to ten hours in an airport if it means a greatly reduced fare, don’t spend my money on tourist attractions or fancy restaurants, am happy to stay in inexpensive hostels/hotels/airbnbs even if they aren’t as nice as other ones. Making friends that you can visit is also awesome, as they can visit you too and then you both get to save money and have a stable home base to travel from. 

The best thing about road trips and seeing national parks is that you can make an amazing trip by entertaining yourself for free. Walks, hikes, scenic tours, drives, sunsets, starry nights and beautiful sights and so on are free of charge - so make the most of the great outdoors and save your pennies for when you really need it.

I hope that is at least a little bit helpful! 

[chalupacabras]

gel pen, highlighter, stencil!!

shyloft said:i meant calculator and not highlighter but.....why not both

im gonna do calculator instead cuz someone else asked for highlighter!

gel pen: when are you most comfortable?

leaning with your arms draped over a pool noodle and just floating in the water, feeling the sun warming your back and watching the light refract through incredibly turquoise water and you can see your legs kicking lazily and your skin looks so smooth. all you can smell is chlorine and sunscreen and your brain gets so soft and melted that it might trickle from your ears

calculator: list fifteen things that make you happy

1. Obtuse 2. rubber goose 3. green moose 4. guava juice 5. Giant snake 6. birthday cake 7. large fries 8. chocolate shake

1. the smell of barbecue 2. sunny weather 3. peeling an orange 4. cats 5. the sound of people doing things in the background, talking, laughing, working, w/e 6. going on trips 7. dessert 8. people telling me I'm funny 9. not sharing food 10. handmade soaps with flowers and sticks and stuff in it that smell like honey 11. playing my instruments 12. honestly? spending money, but more for the entire ‘acquiring material goods’ thing and less for the physical action of spending the money 13. being praised 14. when someone says something reminded them of me 15. brushing my hair

stencil: who are your role models?

not to sound corny but it’s literally everyone. everyone I've ever met or heard of has had some qualities that i admire and look up to. i don't want to just emulate one person, i want to become an amalgam of the best qualities of everyone i meet. a year ago i watched a girl i knew hurdle a chair to be the first to greet someone we just met and shake their hand and introduce herself, and i thought it was so admirable and likable of her that i think of that every time i meet someone new. my coworker gave me a clif bar that she was saving because i jokingly said i was starving and i thought that was so kind it inspired me to carry around extra snacks/gum/whatever so i could be like her. i think role models should be people in everyday life who exhibit good character, but there’s nothing wrong with having celebrity role models either. tyler’s clear skin, what #goals