#( in all honesty this is me @ my parents who have covid rn )

[completewaste]

changes

TW: Suicide, self harm, depression, and sexual assault

So the last time I posted was April 2017.

It’s now May 2021.

It’s so insane for me to reread my old posts, I was in such an entirely different mindset and place back then. I always felt like it was such a cliche when people said ‘it gets better’ but it really does. Things are far from perfect, and I still get depressed and such but my perception of life has drastically changed. Even within the past two years. I felt so hopeless back then. I literally wanted to kill myself on my 21st but my sister didn’t allow me tried so hard to be there for me and really was. I had lost my best friends, one of which I was totally in love with at the time. I was really hurt trying to start relationships from meaningless hookups with people who weren’t interested. I felt disgusting, I had no self confidence and was so hard on myself. I self harmed a lot more and developed a coke addiction for a while. I was so lonely, all I wanted was to find someone to love me back and to have the ability to socialize and make friends. I had left a job I was super attached to even though it was actually a shitty minimum wage food industry job. I was so incredibly unhappy living with my parents. I had constant issues with my family, would get kicked out a lot, and had a bad relationship with them all. I had no control over my emotions, was constantly exploding and didn’t know how to change. 

2019 was a pretty rough year I survived, dealt with a break up where I got super depressed and lost a lot of self confidence. That lasted a short period of time, I turned that into motivation for change. I worked out a ton, started working two jobs and kept myself super busy. In April I went to Vegas for my birthday and got sexually assaulted. That triggered a massive depressive episode for a while, I started putting weight back on because I couldn’t bring myself to want to work out or still look good. After a while, I had to pull myself out of it. I had another situation that happened too, but I was able to cope with it much better after a few times of dealing with this shit. Working was a major help with that. My second job I really enjoyed, it was such a good environment for an extrovert. I worked for House of Blues, which is a restaurant/venue. I worked on the restaurant side but I’d work special events and I was always running around everywhere. I was the only one there that literally talked to EVERYONE. It was so good for me as an extrovert, there were so many people to interact with. I felt so good about myself, my confidence become so high. I got a lot of attention, it was really nice.  Had some brief dating, some crushes, some flirting, and some hook ups. I was social as fuck, had lots of friends I made from work that I’d always hang out with. Some coworkers that were like best friends for a while and I still appreciate those relationships even if after this past year with covid they have drifted. Fast forward to 2021, here I am pretty happy even when things are shit. I went from being stuck at home in toxicity to moving out of my parent’s house, am sharing an apartment with my sister and her gf. My relationship with my family has improved so much, even my dad doesn’t fully hate me anymore. Being an actual grown ass adult is so fucking great. I literally can do whatever with my life.I learned why I was struggling so bad with my emotions. I found out I’m bipolar, got on medication for that and depression and I have to say it’s changed my life. I used to be such an angry, over emotional, irritable person. I used to be disgusted with my behavior, so ashamed of how badly I treated people especially my family. I’m not perfect at all, I have my moments but I’ve become much more patient than I was. I went from being homeschooled with no friends, feeling lonely and trapped to being the strong and happy person I am today. I have to say, I am not suicidal at all. There are times where I do feel like I dislike my existence but to quote biggie “I don’t wanna die, I just feel like I’d be better off dead.” I don’t see a point in killing myself, I’ve got so much fucking potential and opportunity. I’m such a great person, I’m nice, social, fun as fuck, beautiful, energetic and so much more. I’ll be looking for a new job soon (lost my old ones due to covid) and I have so much fucking confidence I’ll be able to get something good and do fucking great at whatever it is. I’ve been told by so many people I’ve met they’re jealous of how easily it is for me to talk to people, how I am not afraid to be so authentically me even if I’m hyper or weird sometimes, even employers fucking love me and say I have the perfect personality, energy and professionalism. I applied for jobs for 1 day, got SO many responses, and after a couple interviews had offers from all of them. I have finally gotten a good group of main, close friends and was able to move on. It took me quite some time to get over my ex best friends, I still keep a distance with people I can’t help that after being so hurt years ago but I can say I genuinely have great fucking friends. My girls are the best, they actually love me, they’re mature, they’re confident, they have shown me they’d NEVER do what Amanda and Dulce did to me years ago. They are always looking out for me, always taking care of me, and are real as fuck with blunt honesty (even if it can be a lil bitchy sometimes) it’s because they do actually care. They’d never let me look like shit just to make themselves look better. They’re all about lifting each other up and wanting to see me do good. That’s just my main group of friends too, I have so many other friends who constantly want to hang out that I kind of blow off. I’ve changed so much, I’m social as fuck and make friends literally everywhere and anywhere. People actually love me, but I’ve become a lot more exclusive on who I actually give my time to. I don’t feel desperate for friends, I don’t feel like no one likes me, I don’t have that self doubt anymore. I am actually always ignoring people and shit cuz I just cba and it’s funny they all STILL hit me up and wanna hang out. It feels good, I don’t ignore people purposely but I just don’t feel like doin shit all the time or talking anymore. I don’t feel lonely in the same way anymore. I have 0 desire for a relationship at all, I am SO happy on my own. I feel like I’m much better living the single life, having freedom to talk to whoever and do whatever. I’d rather not have that emotional connection and take anyone too seriously rn. I’m so young and I want to focus on myself and setting up for my future. Even right now, the only thing I can say I actually want is a child. I can totally see myself having a child all on my own and I am so perfectly ok with that. I used to want a relationship so bad, used to want to find love and was so upset that I never had that experience. I still haven’t had a long term relationship only like half a year but I’ve had enough ‘dating’ and hooking up experience to know what I want now (or don’t want I guess). Overall, all I have to say is I am literally living breathing proof that it DOES get better. I never thought I’d have the ability to maintain such positivity even after going through such shit times. Every day is a new opportunity to start over. It is 2021, and I am hopeful happy.

I don’t even think I have any followers anymore, if I do I know they for sure aren’t active. I don’t expect anyone to ever read this post, but it will be nice to look back on in another few years.