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doctorprofessorsong · 4 months

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Hello! I recently watched The Winchesters and had a question, which I figured you could answer/discuss?

I'm aware that the show takes place in an Alt Universe, and that Spn's John never fell into the hunting life earlier, so he never knew Carlos personally. But still, it's still him — and he is not homophobic towards Carlos who is canonically bi. It can be argued that he just does not know, like he did not know about Carlos serving the Navy, but then what about Anton? We know Lata knows, of course. But has it been explicitly stated that Mary & John know too? And it's not like Carlos hides himself; he's open about his interests and that's amazing, but John is never portrayed as a Hater, no? Not in this sense in the show.

But we, as a fandom, have concluded that John is the reason for Dean's suppression of his own feelings — in general, and about being into men — but then... Carlos.

Did Dean assume his father would never approve? Because he never does of anything that has to do with feelings; it's always hunting and more hunting and revenge, of course. Is that what happened, rather than John actually being homophobic, he was a colossal failure of a parent who "just" pushed away his son(s) emotionally to a level where potential abuse and discouragement were more realistic than anything else? Does this also mean that when Dean does come out to John he would be supportive, at least, of this?

It's just been bugging me, is all.

Hoo boy. Throwing me an easy one before coffee, huh? :)

As a fun aside, there is a scene where a Carlos is mentioned in the mothership. It's not established to be the same Carlos in SPNwin, but the SPN episode was written by Robbie and he has acknowledged they are in his mind.

That doesn't get us to an answer, but it's nice to know that Dean and Sam possibly knew a version of Carlos.

Leading with the short answer to the actual question: what you have described regarding canon is a lot of assumptions and headcanons, which are fine and can absolutely be read as "John was just different in the different universes,' but I personally find that to be the boring answer. I think this fandom tends to write John as the evil bad dad, when a complex gray John is far meatier, so I'm often inclined to go deeper.

The answer I feel works better is the possibly unpopular opinion that we don't actually know John is homophobic at all and it's very possible Dean’s relationship with his father, while fraught with expectations in any number of ways, may not actually be driving his choice to live in the closet and/or his delayed realization of his sexual orientation. It's extremely possible John isn't homophobic at all. Dean may have read him that way or he may have felt pressure from external sources. These days my preferred reading tends to actually be something else entirely: that Dean knows he is queer and simply doesn't reveal it because he is of an era and a world where queerness is often not open and obvious to outsiders.

This is gonna be a long haul so I'm gonna pop in a courtesy cut and jump in. Don't worry. There WILL be headings and bullet points. Regret asking me yet? 😆

Is John homophobic?

Canon support

There isn't a ton of canon support for the homophobic John reading. That's not saying it isn't a valid reading. It's just that it's an interpretation and not fact. Here are the things I have seen or remember:

Martin and Tara - taking these together because they are a similar pattern. Both tell Dean his dad would be disappointed in him for running around with this male shaped monster (boyfriend). The textual reading is that John wouldn't want him running around with monsters. There is a subtexual reading that John wouldn't want him to have a boyfriend which is super valid. It just doesn't tell us much about John because 1. We know he was very black and white on monsters, 2. neither of these characters knows John that well. Tara got ghosted by him. It's possible this is a reflection of the larger hunter community (though possibly not even that). The point is it's canon evidence that can be taken either way.

Lee? A lot of people write that scene as John finding in them in a compromising position and I get it because Christian Kane and Jensen Ackles looked like they were about to sneak off to the bathroom, but the actual story is "You remember that time he caught us wasted on a Hunt? Hm? He was so mad, I-I thought he was gonna have an aneurysm." We know that John is really hard on Dean and Sam specifically because he chooses preparation for monsters over all (including their mental health) so this is absolutely consistent with his character regardless of any romance between them.

The nuns - this is not technically canon, but there is a story about John sending Dean on a solo hunt on his birthday to chase after queer nuns. First and foremost, I am noting this is sketchy from a canon/non-canon evidence perspective. It is something written and endorsed by SPN in the same way as the cartoon and the upcoming graphic novel. It's not fan fiction, but I would say it's not truly canon canon. But taking the evidence for what it is, it's interesting to note that in the journal John doesn't actually say anything homophobic. He describes the hunt as "Simple salt-and-burn mission. Nuns in love with each other, then discovered. Killed themselves." There's no commentary. No slurs. They were "in love." The real meat of the homophobia here is that he sent is queer son alone on his birthday to deal with them and it could be read as a message. That doesn't mean it's intended to be one.

That's all I can think of. It's not a lot and it's not definitive. It's perfectly valid to read it as support for homophobic John AND I think there may be some writer intent in the same way that monsters are often an allegory in the show and in media for queerness.

But it's also not a smoking gun. It's more of a unloaded gun with bullets next to it. So why do people think John is this super homophobic person?

Non-canon support and factors

There's a lot that goes into the interpretation of John that lies outside of the text.

His age and upbringing - He was raised in a time and place where acceptance of queer people wasn't exactly the default and then he went into the military which is also not exactly known for being particularly great for queer acceptance.

Classism - I say this gently to the fandom, but there is this idea that people who aren't in urban areas, and especially in poor rural areas must be homophobic. This comes up a lot in the Sam went to Stanford and is educated and therefore is a better ally headcanon. It's worth considering whether that is a factor here.

He raised his kids with military precision when he was around - there is no doubt that John was a hard man who treated his children like soldiers. A lot of people group gender and sexual orientation, especially when it comes to the gender aspects of masculinity where "be a man" and "be tougher" is frequently aimed at queer men. There's a lot of masculinity reinforcement for sure in the text and subtext of the show.

He's a bad dad and we're a bunch of traumatized queers with daddy issues. I know because I'm not only the owner, I'm a member.

I'm simplifying some of this, but there are a lot of factors that contribute to this reading and they are real and valid reasons. They just aren't textual and in some cases they are absolutely based in stereotypes. That's fine! Stereotypes aren't always incorrect. But they can be and it's worth wondering whether or not they are true.

There are plenty of people like John who are either not homophobic, or of the nature of it's fine if I don't see it variety of homophobia (which would actually be fairly logical to read into given the time and place of Dean's upbringing and the risk being openly queer presented especially for John who's priority is physical safety and preparation).

Personally, I find the lack of text to be fairly compelling, especially when we look at Dean's other behaviors, but that is my interpretation. I personally think John would have a problem with a monster boyfriend because of the monster bit, but doesn't give a fuck about the boyfriend bit except to the extent it may draw danger. I don't actually think John fits the rural strict father homophobic stereotype very well. He's not particularly religious. He doesn't seem to care what his kids do as long as they are safe and in the family business. He doesn't quiz Dean about where he was or who he was with.

I grew up in the South and have known a lot of homophobic parents in my day (including my own! See above). The pattern is often a parent who wants their kid to meet a certain social standard. Don't be gay because it will reflect bad on the family and you will go to hell. John shows negative interest in that arena.

He shows some of the don't be gay because it isn't manly aspects of that type of parent, but I also think a lot of people conflate masculinity with sexual orientation in this analysis. I say this specifically nodding to the Krikpe quote about umbrellas which in no way mentions being gay, but does mention being tough hunters not scared of demons. The text of that tweet and the story the fandom tells are two very distinct things.

It's very possible that those aspects of John's personality are part of why Dean performs tough het male so hard and that would be an aspect of what you are describing. I will also say however that Dean cries a lot. He's very open with his emotions and with caring for people. He's very good with people. Hes always been openly a caretaker. So he isn't performing masculinity so hard that those pieces of him are erased or hidden.

Why is Dean Like That if it isn't the daddy issues?

Let's look at this as if John wasn't openly and particularly notably homophobic. That is to say he had the casual homophobia of the 80s and 90s combined with a friend group of hypermasculine beer and bourbon drinking dudes with guns, but he wasn't, say, abusing Dean if he caught sight of potential gayness. Just to analyze the other question which is Dean's suppression of his feelings or denial of his queerness.

The fandom is not a monolith and I think there are lots of fans with lots of differing analysis in this arena, so I just want to again reiterate, this is all interpretation and headcanon! It's fine to fall anywhere in this spectrum.

Dean is Like That because he assumes he knows how his Dad would react

It's possible John talked about this idea that he has to get to an apple pie life long enough and made assumptions about the gender of his future partner, or that he was so neglectful or abusive, or that he made enough comments about being a "man" because he was worried about Dean being a victim, that Dean assumed his father would not support him. It's possible the canon events above where never intended to send a message to Dean that he still believed and read into them. That's not a criticism. We all interpret the things that happen to us. We are the ones who put meaning to an event, and that meaning may not match with the other person's intent. It doesn't make it invalid.

As you say, it may be a failure of parenting.

Dean is Like That because he grew up in the 80s and 90s

As someone who was born between Dean and Sam, I can say with the authority of experience that the 80s and 90s were a rough time to be queer. Like a really rough time. There were a lot of cultural things happening. Not to mention Dean had a rough upbringing.

HIV/AIDS - There are greater and more knowledgeable sources than me about this topic, but growing up during this time I can say that people were absolutely fucking awful about HIV/AIDS. We had school assemblies full of misinformation. Scores of people were dying and being told they deserved it. A lot of queer kids were internalizing the idea that queerness was a death sentence. I cannot actually come up with a good comparison in modern day. It was absolutely awful for the community, and the messages being delivered to kids was: "if you choose to be gay, you will die."

Casual homophobia - Remember when Misha used the f-word and people lost their fucking minds even though he was talking about lived experiences for most of us of a certain age? Yeah, that outrage was unimaginable to me as a kid. The idea that people would ever get to a point where the use of the word in a non-slur posture would even register. Slurs were thrown around all the time. People and things were "gay" and that was bad. Dean spent time being thrown from school to school and it would have been a massively important for him to come in performing cool masculine untouchable guy who enjoys women.

Dean lives in a transient space - He's constantly alone and in charge in places where someone might take advantage of him or Sammy. Being noticed and assumed weak is dangerous.

Counterpoint: Dean's upbringing may support more comfort rather than less with queerness, but it encouraged secrecy

To fully contradict myself, Dean was in transient spaces. That means he would have been interacting with more queer people than the average suburban or rural teen. He's in truck stops and no-tell motels. That boy met queer people. But he met people who were living in the shadows. This isn't unusual for that era. Queerness to dean was cruising and truck stops and one night stands in seedy motels. Something to be done but not to be seen.

Dean's reaction to queer people in canon supports this reading. He's never disgusted, but he's often surprised specifically about open and public displays of queerness. He tends to react to openly queer people with surprise and longing, but specifically most of his oh right there are queer people faces are reactions to open displays of queerness.

Even HIV/AIDS may have hit different in the hunting community. Dean didn't expect to live to an old age. I say this mainly because the lack of blood squick.

Consider a reading that he knows

We have so many lovely coded moments of queer Dean. The bathroom he disappears into. The way he gets clocked and doesn't deny it at times. Any denials he makes can be read to be situations where he doesn't know what the other person will react like.

I think it's very possible he isn't repressed at all! He just uses the closet as a shield or he doesn't share that information with people unless he wants to/trusts them/feels it's relevant to them.

PS DM me if you want to chat more and also I may have a discord of interest.

#the winchesters #spnwin #supernatural #john winchester #dean winchester #john winchester & dean winchester #daddy issues #cw homophobia #cw mention of HIV/AIDS

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dean-winchester-is-a-warrior · 4 months

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Things Learned and Unlearned Ch. 2

Series Summary: Y/N has spent her life trying to outrun her mother's reputation. When she meets the rich and successful playboy, Dean Winchester, how quickly can he get her to stop running?

Pairings/Characters: Dean Winchester x Y/N, Sam Winchester, Jessica Winchester, Lucy Winchester (OC)

Warnings: Each chapter will have it's own warnings, but there will be smut, seduction, virgin!reader, playboy!dean, Edwardian era BS attitudes surrounding sex and women. (Technically it's set in 1900 and the Edwardian era started in 1901, but you get it.) Angst, Fluff, all the good stuff that regularly pops up in my series. 😁

Chapter Warnings: Nothing major. Kissing. Pining. Lusting. 😁

Word Count: 5,192

A/N: Here is the next chapter. I hope you're enjoying this 1900s Dean x Reader AU. Thanks for all your kind words about Ch. 1.

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Dean visited the library at the same time for the next two days, hoping Y/N would be spending Lucy's nap time there again. But she didn't show up. He saw her only briefly when she came to dinner every evening. However, she rarely spoke and left quickly at the end of the meal. She was always polite, always answered any question put to her, but mostly she kept her head bowed demurely and stayed silent.

On the evening of his second day, as soon as Y/N was out of the dining room, Jessica walked up to Dean and punched him in the arm.

He shot her a glare as she moved off to help Sophie, their kitchen maid, clear the table. "What was that for?" he asked.

"What did you do to her?" Before he could defend himself Jessica put a hand up to stop him. "No, don't try to look innocent. Before your arrival we were making headway with Y/N. She'd been so painfully shy when she first got here. It was all, 'Yes, Sir’ and ‘Yes, Ma'am'. She'd finally begun to call me Jessica, but now I'm back to being Ma'am. And she barely speaks now! What did you do?"

Dean shrugged and gave his most innocent look. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Jessica rolled her eyes and moved off to the kitchen. Sam watched his wife walk out of the room before confronting Dean.

"Look, you know I don't tell you how to live your life. I walked away from Father's life, and you took it onto your shoulders. You get all the pressure, all the societal gossip, all the responsibility of keeping the family business afloat. For all of that, I figure that you're entitled to do as you choose in your personal life."

Sam ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "But Dean, don't mess around with this woman. She's kind and innocent and she doesn't deserve to be yanked around by you, or left broken-hearted."

Dean frowned. Did his brother really think he went around ruining women and breaking their hearts? "You wound me, Sammy." He said, only half joking. "I mostly bed bored wives and widows and they all know what the situation is. I don't go about my life leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me."

"How would you know?" Sam asked, sarcasm thick in his voice. "You never look back to notice." When Dean started to try and defend himself again Sam just shook his head. "Look, I just mean, don't treat Y/N with disrespect."

"Of course not." Dean said. But as Sam left to set up their card game in the parlor, Dean realized he had been disrespectful to Y/N. He'd have to track her down tomorrow and rectify that.

To Dean's delight the next day, he found Y/N at the far south end of Sam's property, sitting on a bench in the apple orchard. As he stepped from behind a large stand of trees, he cleared his throat, trying not to startle Y/N again. But she must have heard him coming through the leaves on the ground because she didn't look startled. She looked like a deer in the rifle sights of a hunter. He smiled, trying to put her at ease.

"Good afternoon, Y/N. I'm so glad I found you." He decided to do away with formalities, given the proposition he had planned.

She cleared her throat, but it was still soft and husky when she spoke. "Yes, so nice to see you too, Mr. Winchester. I was just about to head back up to the house, so if you'll excuse me…" She tried to walk briskly past him, but he caught her arm and tucked it into his.

"Wonderful, so was I. I'll walk you up to the house."

She looked like she wanted to argue, her mouth opening and closing several times before simply saying, "thank you" in a small voice. They walked a moment in silence. Then Dean decided to get right to the point.

"I realized that I may have seemed terribly rude the other day. I acted without explaining to you what my intentions were, what they are, I mean."

Y/N looked up at him, her expression surprised and slightly perplexed. "Your intentions?"

"Yes, you see, from the moment I saw you sitting on that bench by the train station, I've known I want to take you as my mistress."

Y/N stumbled, but Dean kept her upright. "Careful." He said as he stopped and turned to face her. "Now, I know that you're an intelligent, beautiful woman. I would never dream of asking you to come away with me if I couldn't provide for you." Dean smiled and began walking again, leading her forward.

"You'd have your own house, of course. I'd give you a household allowance and a clothing allowance. I'd expect you to attend some societal obligations with me. Only the ones where wives aren't present, obviously, but that's still a fair few. It would likely be one a week at least. Other than those obligations, your days would be yours and I would come to visit you a few times a week. I'll always try to let you know of my intentions the day before, but sometimes my schedule can be unpredictable."

Dean stopped again and turned to face Y/N. She stopped when he did, but stayed staring straight ahead. He couldn't tell what she thought of his proposal. He walked in front of her to try and see what her answer might be.

"Do you have any demands you would like to make of me?" He asked, unsure of her feelings.

Her features were flat and expressionless, until she met his gaze. Then he could see that her eyes burned so dark, they looked black. She raised her arm and her palm came down in a fiercely stinging slap across his left cheek. He stood stunned for a moment, before looking back to stare in astonishment at the absolutely furious woman standing before him. Her breasts were heaving, her cheeks were flushed and the anger sparked from her gaze like sparks from a fire. She was magnificent.

She raised her hand to slap him again, but he saw it coming this time and grabbed her wrist, holding tight. She pulled hard against his grip and he let her go, afraid that he'd break the fragile bones he could feel moving under his hand.

Suddenly her beautiful face contorted and she grabbed up her skirts and ran. It took Dean a moment to realize she was crying.

Well, dammit he thought. That did not go the way I planned.

***

Y/N sat in the library the next day alternating between rage and despair.

Clearly she was everything her mother had been. Obviously in spite of everything she'd worked for, the world could still tell she was the daughter of a fallen woman.

Her mother had been the disgraced daughter of an English Lord. She'd been shipped off to America to live with an elderly aunt until she could be safely married off to Y/N's father.

This was information she only learned at the age of sixteen when a so-called friend, Meg, had told her. Meg had tried to hide her glee as she explained to Y/N the reasons why some of the other girls at their boarding school shunned her. The rumors surrounding her mother and her hasty marriage were old, but still circulating.

Y/N had been mortified, but she'd confronted her mother about it at the summer break. Isobel had looked stricken but then said that yes, the rumors were true. She wouldn't talk about it except to say that Y/N should always keep herself pure and chaste.

She took Y/N by the shoulders. "Your purity, your chastity, it is everything. The pious will tell you that your soul depends on it, but I'm telling you Y/N that not only will your soul suffer if you give in to passion, your life will suffer too. Stay away from men."

It was some of the last advice Isobel had ever given Y/N. Three weeks later, her mother died of blood poisoning after a cut had become infected.

Y/N hadn't known how to feel. She was sad, of course, but she'd barely known her mother, really. Her father had died when she was very young and her mother had been mostly absent, letting first the nannies and then teachers at the boarding school raise her daughter.

On top of the rumors surrounding her early years, it was suggested by some that after her husband's death, Isobel lived as a kept woman. Y/N wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but she knew by the whispers and slightly curled lips that it was dirty and wrong.

And now she'd been offered the same life.

As she'd listened to Dean lay out his offer, she realized that this must have been what people had meant when they said her mother was "kept". A man had paid for her living expenses in exchange for…for what, exactly? Dean had said that he'd want her to accompany him out sometimes and that he'd visit her.

What would happen during those visits? Whatever it was had to be the reason people had seemed repulsed when they talked about Isobel.

Her mother had money, Y/N always knew that. It was how they afforded their beautiful home and the boarding school that was Y/N's other home. But when she'd been young she'd never thought where the money had come from, she assumed maybe from a trust her father had left.

But of course that was impossible. Her father had owned a modest general store with two locations in the city of New York. He had been firmly middle class, and couldn't have provided that kind of life for them.

When her schooling had ended shortly after her mother's death, she had no marriage prospects and no job prospects either. No one wanted a governess from a questionable past, especially one who was young and beautiful. That's what Mrs. Oliver had told her anyway.

Mrs. Oliver had been her savior. She was an elderly lady who sat on the board of the school and gave large donations. Y/N had met her at some of the school functions, when the girls were trotted out to converse with the patrons and show them their donations were creating lovely, demure young ladies.

Mrs. Oliver had liked Y/N right away. She liked her wit and her kindness and when Y/N left school, she’d offered her a position as her companion. Y/N took the position and counted her lucky stars.

Mrs. Oliver was still sharp and lively even into her seventies and working as her companion had been the happiest Y/N had ever been. She'd worked for Mrs. Oliver for just over five years before the lady passed away peacefully in her sleep.

Y/N had come to work for the Winchesters soon after, thanks to the glowing reference Mrs. Oliver had left for Y/N in her will. Now she'd been a governess for nearly two years, and had begun to believe that maybe she'd outrun her mother's scandalous life. Maybe she wouldn't turn into a "ruined woman incapable of controlling her passions". That was how she'd heard her mother described once.

But no, here she was, acting completely inappropriately with a man she'd only just met. Acting so inappropriately, in fact, that he believed she would welcome being a kept woman.

As she sat in the library, her rage left her and the despair rose again. She was a lost cause. Her soul was obviously already tarnished and if she wasn't careful, her life would be too.

***

Dean had gone to the orchard first, looking for Y/N, before trying the library, so his clothes were damp and his hair was wet from the misting drizzle that was falling. He tried the library as a last hope and almost heaved a sigh of relief as he saw Y/N's form folded into the green chair.

He knew that Sam and Jessica had taken Lucy to town for a couple of hours to see the circus parade that was going down Main Street before setting up in the fairgrounds. Only the groundskeeper, Kenneth, and Sophie the cook were around. So Dean closed the door and turned the key in the lock. He didn't want to be disturbed.

As he approached her, he could tell that she had been crying. A pain he didn't recognize clenched his gut and he realized it was remorse. He had been the one to make her cry. He had to fix it.

"Good afternoon, Y/N." He said as he took a seat on the couch facing her.

She resolutely ignored him, as if he hadn't even spoken. She wasn't going to make this easy.

"Look," he began, "I can clearly see that I've hurt and insulted you. Please believe that was the last thing I intended. I only meant to show you that I didn't think you were just some easy maid to be tumbled and forgotten. I wanted you to know that I was offering you more. I wanted to provide you with luxury and wealth.”

He clasped his hands together. “I know my brother and sister-in-law pay well but still, a governess' salary isn't much. When we finished our time together, you would have had enough to live on your own quite comfortably. You'd be cared for, and wouldn't have to worry about earning money again. That's what I was trying to tell you. I wanted to offer you so much more than you have now. I thought perhaps you wanted more as well."

She looked up from her lap. Her stony face was still beautiful, even in its sharp, harsh lines. Her gaze scorched him.

"Please, leave. I am rejecting your proposal." Her voice was all ice; it made him long to melt it.

"I gathered that you rejected my proposal when you ran away from me and then refused to come to dinner last night." Sam and Jessica had been sure it was his fault she didn't come down and since he was also sure it was his fault, he didn't even argue very hard.

"I accept your rejection of my proposal. But I don't want to leave. I wanted to talk with you a while."

Y/N just returned her attention to the book she had in her lap. He sighed. He took a chance and moved to kneel on one knee in front of her chair. The closeness had the desired effect of surprising her out of her block of ice.

He took her chin in one hand, lightly, so she could pull away if she wanted to. She didn't.

"Truly, Y/N, I want you to know how sorry I am to have insulted you or hurt you. Please believe that was never my intention."

He saw a slight thaw in her gaze and decided to take it as a win. He didn't want to push his luck so he left the library.

He returned the next day in the hope that she would be there; she was. She was also there the next day and the day after that. The hours between two o'clock and four o'clock quickly became his favorite time of day. Over the three afternoons they spent together the ice in Y/N's smile began to thaw more and more until he was able to pull actual, sweet smiles from her. They were like a prize.

They spent their time discussing books they’d read and loved and explaining only a little bit about their backgrounds - Y/N seemed as reluctant as he was to discuss it. So instead they talked of world events and Y/N described her excitement at the prospect of the World's Fair that was coming to St. Louis in 1904.

She’d longed to go to the previous World's Fair in Omaha the year before, but of course, she couldn't afford it and Lucy had been too little for Sam and Jessica to want to take her. Y/N hoped that because Lucy would be nearly eight years old by the time the next World's Fair arrived,Jessica and Sam might take them all to St. Louis to see it. When she talked about it, her enthusiasm and excitement made Dean very happy.

After dinner one evening he caught up with her as she left to go to her room in the nursery. He grabbed her hand and pulled her behind a large mahogany bookshelf. She looked surprised and tense. He smiled.

"Run away to the circus with me." It was such a ridiculous request that it shocked a chuckle out of her.

"What?" She asked, her mouth stretching into an adorable grin.

"Come with me tomorrow afternoon. It's the last day the circus will be in town, let's go see it. It's no World's Fair, but it should be fun. It's your day off tomorrow, isn't it?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"Don't say no. Say yes."

She shook her head. "Why are you even asking me if you're just going to answer your own question? Why not just ask yourself to go?" Her voice was teasing.

"I make terrible company."

"You're not being very convincing."

"I'll buy you popcorn."

"Well, that seals it then." Y/N said. "You should have started the request with popcorn."

***

Y/N stood in front of her mirror and contemplated changing for the third time that afternoon. The indigo blue cotton dress she wore now was simple and modest. The puffs on the sleeves weren't too large, which she'd liked a few minutes ago when she'd pulled it on. But now she was wondering if she should have puffed sleeves at all. Did it seem as if she was putting on airs, trying too hard to look like more than a governess? Perhaps she should have just worn the serviceable gray wool she wore during her days with Lucy.

Her opportunity to change ended when she heard the soft knock at the door and Jessica called, "The carriage is ready for you and Dean."

Y/N opened the door and smiled, trying to hide her nervousness. Jessica clasped her hands and brought them to her lips.

"Oh, Y/N, you look so beautiful. That dress is lovely."

"Thank you." Y/N said, suddenly shy. She liked Jessica very much, Sam too. They were both kind, fair, and wonderful employers. She felt as though they could be real friends if they weren't separated by the professional relationship between them.

She wondered what Jessica thought about her stepping out with her brother-in-law. Before she could wonder for very long, however, Jessica linked their arms and started walking Y/N towards the front door. On the way she offered some advice.

"Dean is a good man. You know, he paid for Sam's schooling and helped him start a practice in spite of their father's disapproval. He wanted both his sons to follow in his footsteps and run the business. But Dean knew that Sam's heart lay in the law. So, he defied the old man and took care of his brother." She took a deep breath. "So, please don't think that I'm giving you this warning out of any sort of concern about Dean's honor."

She stopped just inside the front door. "He doesn't try to ruin women. He doesn't mean to break hearts. He's just…well, he's just him. And although he certainly knows he's more handsome than the devil," she rolled her eyes, "I really don't think he understands the effect he has on women. They fall for him, and he's moved on before he ever even thinks to catch them."

She grabbed Y/N's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I guess I just want you to be careful, and maybe put a bit of a wall up around your heart."

Y/N was blushing, but she nodded. She was way ahead of Jessica. Over the last few days Dean had shown her that he was intelligent, compassionate, sardonic but hilarious, and wonderful with his niece. She'd forgiven him for his proposal, believing that he was truly sorry and that it had all been a misunderstanding. Perhaps the way she'd behaved with him in the library that first day had made him believe she would welcome the offer.

Whatever the case, there had been no more such talk and in all other respects he'd acted as a perfect gentleman.

Did her heart still pick up its pace every time he walked into a room? Yes.

Did her stomach flip and fill with butterflies when she looked too long into his eyes? Yes.

Did her fingers sometimes itch and tingle with the need to reach out and touch him? Yes.

But as long as she didn't give in to her wanton thoughts, she would be fine. Dean was leaving in about a week; she could manage to hold herself in check. She admitted that she was excited for today's outing to the circus, but only because she'd always wanted to see one. It had nothing to do with Dean.

Then Jessica opened the front door and there he stood. He wore a dark gray suit that was tailored to him perfectly. His eyes were more of a mossy green than emerald today, and they were full of good humor. He smiled his dazzling smile at her and her belly was suddenly full of butterflies again.

He offered an outstretched hand for her to take so he could help her down the stairs. She slipped her hand into his and tried to ignore the warmth that spread up her arm because of the simple touch. But the thought came unbidden to her mind that she wanted to feel his hands everywhere. She was horrified and almost turned around to run back inside.

But she didn't. She continued with Dean into the carriage. Kenneth was driving them and he tipped his hat to her as she climbed in. The open air carriage allowed the sunlight to pour over her and she relished the extra days of summer they had been granted.

Dean climbed in and sat beside her. She could feel the hard length of his thigh even through her layers of skirts and petticoats. She tightened her fist around the parasol she carried and tried without success to ignore the feelings that came from sitting next to Dean.

He always smelled like shaving soap, and something very male, almost spicy, a scent that belonged to Dean alone. It never failed to make her salivate and swallow as though she was savoring a tasty treat.

They arrived at the circus grounds and Dean stepped out of the carriage and again offered Y/N a hand to help steady her down the steps in her skirts.

She stumbled slightly on the last step and Dean caught her under her elbow, pulling her into his side to stabilize her. She leaned into him for a moment, her body giving in to the feeling of bliss that came from his arm wrapped around her waist. But quickly, she straightened up and mumbled her thanks before rushing toward the gates.

This may have been a very bad idea.

***

"And the fire-eaters! Did you see them, Dean? I mean, they swallowed fire!" Dean chuckled as Y/N repeated her reverence for the fire-eaters, as she had at least a half a dozen times since seeing them that evening.

The circus had indeed been a lot of fun, much more fun for Dean because Y/N was clearly enjoying herself immensely. There had been acrobats, and jugglers, and a woman who walked on a tightrope. There were musicians and performers of all kinds. There were clowns and games to win prizes. In her purse Y/N carried a small bird made out of wool with real feathers sewn onto it. He had won it for her at a game of ring toss.

The day had sped by and Dean couldn't remember the last time he'd enjoyed himself this much doing something that didn't involve whiskey, women, and cards.

Now he was walking her up the steps of the porch and he wanted nothing more than to extend the evening. So, he didn't go inside immediately, instead he lingered when they got to the front door and he was happy to see she did too.

Some of her elation from the day seemed to slip away and she was shy again. Ducking her head she said, "Thank you so much for taking me, Mr. Winchester. It was a lovely day."

"Mr. Winchester?" Dean said, a reprimand in his voice. "We're not back to that are we, Y/N?" He took a step closer hoping she wouldn't step back. She didn't.

He lowered his voice, almost to a whisper. "May I kiss you goodnight?" he asked, unable to hide the heat in his eyes as he raised her chin with his forefinger.

Her eyes widened. "Why?"

A smile came to his lips. "Because I want to. And, tell me if I'm wrong, but I think you might want me to as well."

"No." she said succinctly and he immediately took a step away from her.

"No." she said again, but grabbed his hand. She shook her head. "I mean, no I want you to."

He frowned, struggling to understand what she was trying to say. She exhaled roughly as though she was exasperated. And then she leaned up on tiptoe and pressed her lips softly and fleetingly against his.

When she pulled away her skin was so red, he could see her blush even in the moonlit shadows they stood in. “I'm so sorry.” She said, clearly flustered. “I shouldn't have done that. I don't know what came over me."

Dean’s grin was wicked. "I know what came over you, it's come over me too. Will you let me kiss you now? And show you?" His voice was husky with his desire and it took all he had not to lean forward, grab her, and crush her lips with his own.

"You already kissed me." Y/N said, confusion on her face. "You just did." It took Dean a moment to realize she was referring to the little light-as-air kiss she'd just given him.

He tried to curb his laughter. "Well, that was certainly sweet, but not the same as me kissing you."

Her brow furrowed. "What do you mean? You just kissed me."

"No, you kissed me."

After a moment's contemplation, Y/N scoffed and looked at him suspiciously. "You kissing me, or me kissing you, it's the same thing. You're just trying to kiss me again."

Dean smiled. "You don't think there's a difference between you kissing me and me kissing you?"

She shook her head, her expression suspicious. "Of course not."

"Would you care to make a small wager on that?

"I don't gamble."

"Oh, this won't be for money. If, once I kiss you, you still think there's no difference, I will grant any request you make of me." Dean paused and heat flooded his hooded gaze. "And vice versa."

***

Y/N stood in the moonlight, staring up at her own ruin and she didn't even try to stop it. She nodded, agreeing to the wager.

Dean reached out and took her hand, shaking on the deal and then pulling her in close. Even in the semi-darkness his green eyes shone, jewel bright. He stood for a moment simply staring at her mouth. The hunger in his gaze made her shiver.

He took her chin in his fingers and leaned close to her, his mouth hovering over hers for what felt like an eternity.

"What are you…" Y/N was incapable of speech. Her heart beat so hard and fast she was sure it would soon burst. "Hurry up." She said, shaken completely.

Dean shook his head slowly. "No." His voice was deep and rough and he drew out the word, so it rumbled up from his chest.

When he was a hair's breadth away from her lips, she put her hands up between them, flat on his chest. The warmth of his skin through his shirt burned her palms.

"I concede." She blurted out. "It's different. It's not…this is different."

Dean's expression was pained. "Do you want me to walk away?"

The part of her mind that was desperately trying to preserve her sanity was screaming at her to say yes. But her body physically revolted at the thought of him moving away now and she shook her head.

"Thank God." He breathed against her lips before finally covering them in a kiss.

Dean's lips were soft and plump, but they pressed firmly against hers, and the pressure made her dizzy. She swayed slightly and Dean grasped her head in his two hands as he deepened the kiss.

She felt him sweep his tongue across her sealed lips, as though he was tasting her, and she gasped. He took advantage of the opening and swept his tongue inside. He tasted like the apple cider they'd drunk earlier; it was warm and spicy, and she reached her own tongue out to explore the taste further.

Dean groaned low in his throat, a sound that made all the hairs on her body stand up and gooseflesh race across her skin. His hands slipped from her head, down over her neck and shoulders. He slid them down to her waist and pulled her against him while he walked her backwards until they were up against the wall of the house.

He pressed his hard body into her, and moved his lips to her neck. Fire exploded along the path his lips had taken and Y/N was suddenly desperate to feel his mouth everywhere.

She was seconds away from asking him for exactly that, when a light went on in the house and they both froze. The light didn't spill onto them and it was extinguished fairly quickly, but it had been enough to bring Y/N to her senses. She stepped to the side, out of the circle of Dean's arms. She was instantly so cold she started to shiver.

She couldn't think what she could possibly say, so she simply rushed toward the entrance. But he caught up her hand just as she reached the door.

"What about my request? I won the bet, remember?"

He stepped up close behind her, wrapping his strong hands around her upper arms, and whispering in her ear. The low rumble caused the shivers to move inside her body so that her insides trembled.

"Come to me tomorrow night, at midnight. The household will be long asleep, but I'll be waiting for you."

He let go of her arms and she ran into the house as fast as she possibly could, before she could agree to the request or deny it. She had no idea which one it would be.

Jensen RPF and Any/All Characters:

Dean Fics Only:

@lyarr24

@lacilou

@deans-spinster-witch

@globetrotter28

@suckitands33

@alwaystiredandconfused

@evznackles

@jackles010378

@impala67rollingthroughtown

@krazykelly@candy-coated-misery0731

@envyaurora95@spnwoman

@deans-baby-momma@luvr4miya

@arcannaa

@viviwatchestv

@winharry

Any/All Fics Regardless of Character or Fandom:

@roonthelittlespoon920

@slamminmine

@zepskies

@safiyas-world

@aylacavebear

Everything Incl. Fan Edits:

@kazsrm67

@slut-for-evans-stan

@sexyvixen7

@nancymcl

@hobby27

@waywardcheshire

@k-slla

@leigh70

@eevvvaa

@kickingitwithkirk

@foxyjwls007

@notinthislife50

@roseblue373

@mishkatelwarriorgoddess

@avanatural

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

@deangirl96

@stoneyggirl2

#dean x y/n #dean winchester smut #dean winchester fluff #dean winchester fan fic #dean winchester au #dean winchester au fan fic #dean winchester fan fic series #dean winchester au fan fic series

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gallusrostromegalus · 1 year

Note

the 'Kon :)' in the list of things you're pleased about in aeiwam has be EXCITED please tell us more (if you want to)!

Soon after Masaki died, Isshin Kurosaki moved his family. It's mostly because the original clinic didn't feel haunted- if Masaki's spirit were still here, Isshin would know what to do, but instead he felt like his heels were dogged by the hole where she used to be.

It didn't hurt that the new place was larger, in a better school district, and closer to his friend Ryukken. He's almost feeling cheerful about the new place when Ichigo runs up the stairs and from room to room before calling dibs on one, because he's a big kid now and doesn't want to sleep where he has to listen to his dad snoring all night >:(.

Isshin felt slightly less cheerful when he looked out the big window in Ichigo's room to determine if he needs to put up some child safety grates, and realized their new neighbor was a taxidermist.

"I feel like it gives them a sort of dignity- A Life After Life, if you will." she said when he went by to make sure his neighbor was only eccentric and not something out of a horror movie. He wasn't entirely sure which, actually- Ms. Tanaka was an octogenarian with skin like tissue paper and a back like a question mark, but her living room was a veritable zoo of reconstituted animals, many of them former pets, if the number of domestic cats was anything to go by.

"Oh. Yeah!" Isshin grinned, terrified, and was struck by the idea of some goon in the 12th division slavering in the afterlife, desperate for her to shuffle off the mortal coil and bring her undoubted skills with dead bodies to R&D. "We've always been very spiritual people."

(Continued under the readmore)

"Oh, just like the nice young man who used to live in your house!" said Ms. Tanaka, sitting down in her armchair that was adorned by an ostentatious past-tense peacock perched on the back. "Odd fellow. Worked nights, spoke like he was born in the Sengoku Era or something, but very nice."

"He's BEAUTIFUL!" said Ichigo, staring in awe at an enormous Ginger Tabby Cat by the window, mounted in repose on a emerald velvet cat bed. Ms. Tanaka had done an excellent job conveying a sense of benevolent egotism on his whiskered face, but Ichigo's growing fascination with the Macabre was beginning to worry his father- Ichigo had seen the taxidermy stoat in the back window and INSISTED on coming along.

"Isn't he?" beamed Ms. Tanaka. "His name is Bostov! He was my very best friend for many years."

"Wow! Can I pet him?" Ichigo asked, eyes wide with delight.

"Ichigo, that's uh- that's not a real kitty-" Isshin began to sputter.

"Of course he's a real kitty!" Ms. Tanaka laughed, a noise like an ungreased gate. "You can pet him if you're very gentle." Ichigo stroked the deceased animal with exceptional delicacy for an overexcited Kindergartner. "He's so soft!" he gasped.

"Do you like him?" asked Ms. Tanaka.

"I LOVE HIM!" Said Ichigo, cheeks flushed and eyes bright for the first time in months now. Perhaps having a distant relative of the Addams family for a neighbor isn't so bad, if her creepy hobby cheers Ichigo up... Isshin sighed.

"In that case, why don't you take him home with you?" Smiled Ms. Tanaka. "I'm sure he'll be a good friend to you too."

"UH." Isshin blurted out, nearly spilling his tea on a flock of quail under the side-table.

"I have SO MANY friends in my home with me- it's bordering on a fire hazard!" Ms. Tanaka chuckled. "I'd be delighted to send him to a home where he'll be loved. Please- consider him my housewarming present!"

"CAN WE? CAN WE TAKE HIM HOME? PLEASE DAD??PLEEEEEEEASE-!!" Ichigo asked, stars in his eyes.

Isshin froze, horrified at the prospect of having... That. In his house. Watching him. ...and at the same time, completely unwilling to dash his little boy's dreams.

"yEaH oKaY." Isshin grimaced, soaked in a cold sweat.

*****

Bostov The Former Cat was bad enough, but at least the taxidermy beast 'lived' on Ichigo's bedroom dresser and not down in the living room where Isshin would have to look at it's green glass eyes, which seemed to follow him around the room. It wasn't right having a hollow thing in the house like that- any wandering spirit could decide to climb in there! He resolved to have it warded, but Kisuke said he was on a trip to the Caribbean for "Botanical Research" , and wouldn't be back until "After the Big Holiday on the 20th". Isshin hung up the phone, groaned and rubbed his face. It was fairly late, and he was still at the kitchen table, going through all of the licensing paperwork to get the clinic up and running.

"Hey Dad?" Ichigo asked, holding up a small plastic toy. "What's 'Soul Candy'?"

"Soul Cand-?" Isshin frowned, turned to look at the toy and nearly jumped out of his skin, swiping it away from the boy. "WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS? DID YOU EAT ANY??"

"...it was upstairs, in the back of my closet." Ichigo pouted. "-and no, I didn't eat any strange closet candy. I'm not stupid."

"Oh thank the Gods..." Isshin sighed, sitting back down at the table and shaking the small, duck-headed pill dispenser. Empty. "-I'm sorry I yelled Ichigo, but this is Very Dangerous stuff."

Ichigo arched an incredulous Eyebrow at him. "Really? Is this the same kind of dangerous that the half my Halloween candy you confiscated and ate was?"

"Ah- well. No. That was Dad Tax. This is actually dangerous. Here, come sit with me a minute." he pulled out the other chair at the kitchen table. "Remember how I told you about the ghost that lived in my attic when I was your age?"

"The Shinigami?" Ichigo asked.

Isshin did not *enjoy* lying to his children, but a little knowledge was a dangerous thing, and not enough even more so, so he'd concocted a little fantasy to explain why he knew all about ghosts and why the children never saw their grandparents, so he could tell them about the dangers of this world without telling them too much.

"That's right- His name was Kaien Shiba, and he was a Soul Reaper. At night, he'd turn into a ghost and leave his body behind, and go escort spirits to the afterlife or fight hollows." Isshin said. he'd named the fictional soul reaper after his favorite nephew in a fit of inspiration- he'd started telling Ichigo a tale from his days as a Shinigami one night after slightly too many drinks and had to convince Ichigo that that was only a distant acquaintance.

"...Like what killed Mom." Ichigo muttered.

"Um. Yeah." Isshin nodded.

They were silent for a moment.

"-Anyway, the way he turned into a ghost was that he'd swallow one of these little candies that would come in these tubes-" Isshin pulled the duck's head back to show Ichigo the mechanism. "-and Poof! he'd jump out of his body as a ghost so he could use magic to save people! But-there was a little soul inside the candy that would come out and take care of his body while he was away! Like a babysitter, but for his own butt! After a few hours, the little soul would stop working, and Kain would be home to climb back in."

Ichigo blinked at the mechanism, thinking. "So. There's a little person in these candies?"

"If there were any in here, yeah." Said Isshin. "They're not like. Whole people. Just little collages of behaviors and phrases. You know, like the fake voice that talks on the phone when you call to refill a prescription!" Ichigo frowned, considering something. "...There weren't any candies in this thing, were there?" Isshin asked, suspicious.

"No." Said Ichigo, frowning at him. "It'd be really lonely, being just a little soul, stuck in a candy, wouldn't it?" he asked.

"I suppose so, but I don't think the little souls are aware while they're in there. It's like being asleep for them." Isshin shrugged, lying to himself as much as his son about that.

Ichigo still frowned. "...What happens if the candy goes into a body without a soul in it? Like a dead body?" "Huh." Isshin frowned. "I dunno, actually. I guess the little soul would run around and operate it for a while, until it faded out, like it did with a normal body?"

Ichigo nodded, still preoccupied.

"Why?" Isshin tried.

"...No reason." Ichigo muttered, kicking his little feet. "Just thinking."

"Alright. Promise me if you find anything else weird or see any random candies to not touch them and tell me right away, okay?"

"Yeah okay." Ichigo nodded, only sort of paying attention. "I'm gonna go to bed. G'night dad." he muttered, getting up from the table and handing the dispenser to Isshin before giving him a quick hug and stomping up the stairs.

Isshin watched him go, aching a bit. I wondered how old he was gonna be when he started keeping secrets from me. He sighed, looking down at the Soul Candy Dispenser. Not that I'm being a Paragon of Honesty for him to follow...

---

"GIRLS? ICHIGO? HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN MY STETHOSCOPE?" Isshin hollered, searching fruitlessly under the couch cushions.

"NO!" Hollered Karin from where she and Yuzu were playing in the small front yard.

"TRY ICHIGO'S ROOM, HE TOOK A BUNCH OF LAUNDRY UP TO SORT." called Yuzu.

"THANKS GIRLS!" he called back stomping up the stairs. Ichigo was at karate- he'd finally returned to classes, or at least, Tatsuki had finally physically dragged him back into the Dojo. "Man I hope I didn't put it through the washing machine-" he muttered, opening the door to the boy's room and started searching through the basket of laundry on his bed.

Isshin stopped, and stood up, frowning around the room. Something was off.

Ichigo was a tidy boy, somehow, and his room was usually in order save for whatever video game he had out to play and the bed he never made but... Isshin turned fully around trying to figure out what was off before his eyes finally landed on the top of the Dresser.

The Emerald Green Velvet Cat bed, home of Bostov The Cat, was empty.

"Did he take the cat out of the bed to play with?" Isshin wondered aloud, hoping that that, and not several other horrible scenarios, was what was happening. He could hear Karin and Yuzu giggling through the window, and he peeked down at them- they appeared to be having a tea party on the thin strip of grass, and the guest of honor amongst the dolls and stuffed animals was a familiar-looking ginger tabby. "Oh! The GIRLS took him out to play with." he sighed with relief, leaning against the window to watch them.

...and watch a strange man approaching down the street, who stopped at the garden fence. Isshin frowned- maybe he was just watching the girls play, in a normal, wholesome way like he was doing right now. ...or he could be taking candy out of his pocket and waving the girls to come through the gate.

Isshin jumped on the bed, tore open the window with such force it jumoed out of it's track and was halfway out to jump down at the man from the second floor when the most EXTRAORDINARY thing happened.

Bostov, Who by all accounts had been deceased for the better part of a decade and was made of little more than a skin and some glass stretched over a wood-and-cotton frame, Suddenly leapt up from his chair, claws and teeth drawn like swords and leapt upon the man, battering him visciously with a stream of einvective so foul it made Isshin's barrack-hardened linguistic sensibilities blush, before chasing him back down the street like a short, furious, ass-seeking missile.

"GIRLS!" he shouted, jumping down anyway. "-ARE YOU OKAY?"

"DON'T GET MAD AT ICHIGO OR KON!!" Shouted Yuzu, tears in her eyes.

"...ichigo or who?" Isshin blinked.

"Way to spill the beans, Yuzu." Karin groaned. "Yeah Dad, we're FINE- Kon was here, he'll beat the crap out of anything."

"Who's Kon?" Isshin repeated.

"HEY DAD." Shouted Ichigo, skidding into the garden in his karate gi, and out of breath, clutching an unconvincingly stiff Mr. Bostov under his arm. "SO. UH- WELL MR. BOSTOV CAN MOVE NOW. FOR SOME REASON."

"Uh-huh?" Isshin glared at the cat, who glanced away nervously. "Why do you think that is?"

"...it's a Christmas Miracle?" Tried Ichigo.

"Ichigo, it's fucking April." groaned Karin.

"...Passover?" tried Ichigo.

"-This wouldn't have anything to do with that Soul Candy Dispenser you found, would it?"

"uhhhhhhh..." said Ichigo. Honesty might not have been one of the boy's virtues, but at least he was a terrible liar.

"PLEASE DADDY DON'T GET ANGRY!!" Sobbed Yuzu, throwing herself around his calf and wailing. "MR. KON IS THE MOST NICEST KITTY IN THE WHOLE WORLD! HE PLAYS TEA TIME AND DRESS-UP WITH US AND TELLS JOKES AND CHASES AWAY DOGS AND SCARY MEN AND HE ALWAYS WAKES UP ICHIGO WHEN HE'S HAVING A NIGHTMARE-!"

"Yeah, actually, Kon's like. the first thing to make me laugh since. Well." Mumbled Karin, plodding over to Isshin's other leg and leaning heavily on him. "Please? he's weird, but he's a good guy."

Isshin sighed, then glared back down at the cat. "Alright. Who are you?" he demanded.

Ichigo and the formerly immobile cat glanced at each other and the feline unfolded as Ichigo set him down, shaking himself out and sitting on the walkway.

"So, uh- Hi. My name's Kon. Kon Bostov, if you wanna be formal, in honor of the beast whose body I currently inhabit." He nodded, waving a paw evocatively. "-And, uh. Well, how much do you know about the afterlife?"

"-Being from a long line of psychic mediums and prone to hauntings, my parents rented out our attic to a Shinigami when I was a child, and he told me pretty much everything." Said Isshin, and Kon winced. "So. Is 'Kon' short for 'Mod Konpaku'?"

"Ehh... well, Yeah." Kon winced. "-But hey! It wasn't my idea to be cooked up in a lab by some maniac and then put to death minutes later for something I didn't even do!" he snarled, fur bristling.

"What?" asked Karin.

"Kids I- Look, I didn't mean to lie, there just wasn't a good time to bring it up but. Technically, I'm wanted by the law. I'm an artificial soul created for battle to be put into dead bodies, but literally four and a half minutes after I woke up, the soul society- where all the Shinigami are from- condemned me to die, because they didn't like how strong some of the other Mod Souls were. I managed to roll myself off of the table and into a box of normal bodyminders to hide, Got put in a dispenser and then the shinigami that had been here accidentally left me behind." Kon explained.

"COOL!" Shouted Karin.

"NOT COOL. BAD!" Shouted Isshin. "Okay, okay I- I mean you're right, I never- I mean, the way Kaien told it, the whole Mod Soul program was pretty shady and it sounded really unfair. But why would a Shinigami just leave an important and dangerous tool lying around?"

"...I don't know how much spiritual sense you have my guy, but this town doesn't have a Hollow problem so much as the Hollowpocalylse goin' on." Kon grimaced. "-I really hope that guy's okay, he seemed pretty cool from what I could tell. I don't actually remember hearing him get called back to soul society." Kon muttered. "-Anyway, about three weeks ago, your brother found me in the dispenser in the back of his closet and put my candy body into this taxidermy cat, and I've been hanging out with the kids since then! You know, like a cat is supposed to do!"

Isshin stared blankly at Kon. The girls hugged his legs, lips wobbling, but he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, firming up his resolve- no matter how nice he seemed, a Mod Soul was a dangerous thing- and one crafty enough to live right under his nose for the better part of a month? No, absolutely n-

Isshin opened his eyes to see Ichigo had picked up Kon, cradling the cat to his tiny body, eyes wide and beginning to glisten with tears.

"...Ah. What the hell. You make the kids laugh." Isshin sighed, and all four cheered, thanking him profusely and promising to be extra-good and take good care of Kon- "But you put so much as a Whisker out of line and you're in deep trouble, got it?" Isshin leaned into the cat's face, scowling menacingly and shaking his finger at Kon.

"Understood sir!" Kon Saluted. "So when's dinner? Ichigo's been sneaking me scraps but I could really go for some chicken, or maybe ham-" he asked, tail thrashing excitedly.

"You can eat?" Isshin asked. "I thought you were all... Whatever they stuff taxidermy animals with?"

"-Might've been, but I'm all complete now? Fluff, guts, claws-the works!" Kon shrugged, hopping up on Isshin's shoulder. "-Between you an' me, I ain't even neutered! But that ain't a problem- Plenty of hot pussy around, if you know what I mean, especially that sweet little tuxedo bobtail just up the street- Me-YOW, huh?"

"Oh gods." Groaned Isshin, covering his face. "What am I letting into my house?"

"An intact male cat is called a 'Tom' Dad." Karin called over her shoulder.

"Alright Kon, a few rules- No more swearing in front of the kids, no bringing ladies around the house and for goodness sake DON'T TELL ANYONE YOU'RE HERE!" Isshin snarled at him.

"Alright, alright!" Kon sighed, rolling his eyes. "Out of curiosity though- What rank was your guy Kaien?"

"Hm?" Isshin asked.

"Only that I thought only the captains and a few lieutenants ever knew about project Spearhead." Kon glanced at Isshin, arching an orange-striped brow at him. "-funny thing, having a seated officer doing routine patrols, isn't it?"

"I dunno?" Shrugged Isshin, trying to keep his shoulders from tensing up, "-He didn't actually tell me all that much about how the soul society is governed."

"Huh." Kon nodded, smirking just a bit. "Interestin' guy, this Kaien. You should tell me about him sometime!"

"KOOOOONN!" Yuzu called. "My Dollie's shoe got under the fridge!"

"Coming Sweetie!" Kon called, jumping off Isshin's shoulder to reach his skinny little cat arm under the fridge and swat the missing accessory out from under the appliance. Yuzu applauded with delight and hugged him, laughing for the first time in ages.

Isshin watched them play for a bit and sighed. He not a bad guy, this Kon. All the same- Isshin took out his phone and dialed a number.

"~Urahara Shoten, home of Karkura Town's finest Candies, Cell Phones and Card Games! I'm on sabbatical 'til the end of the month or so, so if it's an emergency, hang up and call the Kurosaki Clinic! Or die! If it's not an emergency, leave me a message with what you need and I'll hook you up when I get back! Bye!~" Urahara's voicemail recording sing-sang over the line.

"Kisuke. It's me, Isshin. You will not fucking believe what my kids found in the new house. Call me as soon as you get back."

#AEIWAM #an elephant is warm and mushy #Bleach #Bleach fanfic #Isshin Kurosaki #Ichigo Kurosaki #Kisuke Urahara #Kon

553 notes · View notes

man-im-so-high · 4 months

Note

kimi writer era i am SEATED.

for the prompts!!!!: “You pretending that cushion is me?”

//EMPTY BED// - m.h. x reader

warnings: none! pure fluff!

w/c: 1k words

a/n: this is my first official blurb!! i'm shitting my pants posting this 💀 ANYWAYS THANKS JAYE FOR BEING MY FIRST REQUEST ILYSM

//masterlist//

the clock kept ticking, driving you mad.

on the one hand whenever there's shitty moments or nothing happening at all, time won't pass - it stretches like gum. on the other hand, the good moments pass way too quickly. time itself is pacing, always.

right now time won't pass though.

you've been alone at matty’s concrete bunker of a home for a month already now. the longer you spend your time here, the more you realize that it's actually quite cozy somehow. everything in itself seems cold and harsh but together it creates some sort of comfortable, relaxing and balanced atmosphere.

but without matty it's once again cold and harsh. it's like the whole house loses its charm when he's not here.

the bed is colder than usual, everything is quiet - no music playing from his vinyl player, no typing on the typewriter, no jamming on his guitar, nothing - there's no smell of pancakes in the kitchen, the bathroom doesn't smell like his perfume and there is no mess. you're surprised that a thing that usually pisses you off has now become something you miss.

so here you are, on his couch, cuddling with a pillow while the TV is on in the background. there's some sort of reality tv show on but you didn't pay attention to it, you just need noise, the feeling of not being alone.

matty is currently on tour in north america. with you having to stay in london, seeing him is nearly impossible. only nearly though, but seeing him on facetime or hearing his voice on a simple call is surprisingly very hard as well.

on his days off it's easier. he's more flexible with his time management when there is no huge concert at night with the sound checks and everything beforehand.

he's currently in new york, playing one of their biggest shows ever tonight. he's excited, you know that. he has been excited for months now, basically ever since he found out that they could play there.

“i can't wait, oh my god. i will literally- explode!”

“on stage?”

“fuck yes i will, just imagine: we play sex and i just explode.”

“twitter would eat that up.”

“right?!”

but he has also been worried.

worried because it's a huge venue, worried because it's being recorded, worried because you're not there to calm his mind.

you glance at the TV - advertising, of course. you peek over at your phone. it's 3:24 am. usually you'd be lying in bed together at this time, cuddling, in deep sleep.

but right now the bed is cold - ice cold - and the cool concrete walls don't make it any better. you love this place but it's not the same without him.

you calculate in your mind. he's in new york, you're in london so the concert must be over by now. thus the waiting continues.

you look back to the tv. the reality tv show is over and now there's some sitcom playing. it's friends! finally, something funny to help you pass time.

a few minutes pass and your phone lights up. 3:31am.

“hey, you awake?”

another text

“concert’s over”

you instantly grab your phone.

“i'm awake! hope you had fun xx”

he quickly answers and asks:

“you wanna ft when i'm at the hotel?”

“of course :))”

finally you decide to turn off the TV and let silence and darkness take over the room. you take the cushion you've been lying on and holding and make your way up to the bedroom.

instantly, you miss matty. he's a living heater - and a comfortable one to say the least.

so when you lay back down, you lay on the cushion as if you were lying on matty's chest. if you squeeze your eyes shut, just enough, then you can almost hear his heartbeat. or maybe it's just your lack of sleep, who knows.

the tiredness comes creeping in, a yawn escapes your lips. in the same moment your phone lights up.

a facetime call by no other than matty.

happily you pick up.

“good morning, sunshine” an exhausted smile on his lips. he's happy to see you but the weariness from performing is evident.

his hair is damp, he probably just came out of the shower.

he's in bed as well, the bedside table lamp illuminating his face with a warm light from the side, throwing soft shadows on his face.

“good night” you tiredly greet him, a smile adorning your face when you see him.

“how was the concert?”

“oh it was great!” he started to ramble about the crowd, how the band harmonized, how the security and the whole team was great and how everything was perfect.

his soft voice and his endless talking could send you to sleep right then and there-

“hey! no sleeping yet! tell me about your day… or night.”

“uh, i didn't do anything special. i just laid around and was on my phone, i watched some TV and laid on this cushion because you're not there.” you point at the cushion that you're currently lying on.

matty seems to recognize the way you're lying on the cushion.

“wait, wait, wait, are you pretending that cushion is me?”

“maybe, i did. but then i had to realize it's a better cuddler than you are.” you tease him.

he laughs at that. “you're just saying that because you already forgot how good i am.”

a loud yawn leaves your mouth.

“is someone getting tired?” he chuckles and grins. you're so cute when you're tired.

“what do you expect? it's late.”

“get some sleep, sleepyhead.”

“can you stay on the phone with me?”

his grin grows even wider, he could melt at your cuteness.

“of course i will.”

a short moment of silence.

“so, what do you want me to do?”

“i don't know, just talk. tell me a story or something.”

and that's what he does. he knows you know all the stories, he loves talking - you love listening. he talks and talks, his voice almost as soft as the cushion you're resting on, slowly lulling you to sleep.

#yes the title is a cavetown reference #because it's pride month #the 1975 #matty healy x reader #matty healy x you #matty healy x oc #matty healy x y/n #matty healy fluff #matty healy blurb #matty healy fanfiction #matty healy oneshot #matty healy fanfic #matty healy imagine #matty healy #kimis blurbs

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mulders-too-large-shirt · 1 month

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s3 episode 23 thoughts

the previous episode was SO good. but, it is true, i was distracted by the dog. it was SUCH!! a perfect episode. EXCEPT for that one thing. so i hope that today, i can face this episode with a clear head, free of judgement based on the fate of little dogs.

well, boy, i did face this episode with a clear mind, and wow. wowza. another AMAZING ep... and i will keep the angst from this episode in my heart forever and bottle it and take a nice long swig when i need my msr feels, which is basically always. wow. an exclamation point doesn't even feel APPROPRIATE, it just needs to hang in the air for a bit. (wiping tears away) wow....

let us go back to yesterday's notes, which shall commence below:

reading the episode description... so this one features murders linked to a device that alters television signals… huh. man, too many people i know don’t even have cable anymore. this simply would not work in the modern era. imagine if hulu or tubi or something made you kill people though lmao that would be silly to imagine.

we open with a guy digging a hole in the woods. always a promising start. seems he’s in an orchard of some sort? and the music is very very creepy.

okay, so just as you suspect, this dude is burying a dead guy. sometimes your gut instinct is correct and tropes are not meant to be subverted. but the dude who is burying him says “your killing days are OVER” so is this actually a justice arc??? hmm. it is not clear. man, it would be hard to dig a hole like that.

shovel murder man is at home washing the blood off. but then someone else approaches him and he kills THAT GUY TOO WITH THE SHOVEL?? huh? what is going on.

police at da guy’s house. everyone has the same face as the dude he just killed??? so they tase him. and then the faces go back to their REAL faces. now what is going on here!!!!!!!!!!

as the real faces return, the man realizes he killed someone named sarah!!! and he seems sooo upset by the fact that he killed sarah!!!! poor sarah :(

so does the tv make you see other people’s faces on the bodies of random people….? omg that’s insidious...

we now shift to a different scene, one where mulder is sitting in his car at 2 am. doing what???? waiting for some guy!!! he was waiting TWO HOURS for this guy!!! who is this guy...? it's giving blind date/drug deal.

the man who enters his car gives him a newspaper clipping about the murders we just saw. and mulder came here after getting AN ANONYMOUS EMAIL in the middle of the night??? this is crazy because literally so many people want him dead and this would have been a very easy way to accomplish that goal. wow. seriously, no self-preservation instincts on this guy.

mystery man says he has no obligation to explain what is going on, but if mulder walks away from it, more people will die. so no pressure!! xx

cutscene to a hospital, where mulder is watching our murderer through glass, while scully comes in saying that she is sorry she is late, but “the beltway was a parking lot”. beltway refers to interstate 495! thank you wikipedia i love your services!

murderer is named joseph. and he claims to have been killing the same guy over and over again, and that he wouldn’t die. which seems pretty awful.

OH! and the week before, in the same town, a babysitter attacked the kids she was watching because she thought they were WOLVES??? omg that is horrific??

they’re talking to the physician, dr. stroman, who says perhaps this was provoked by amphetamine abuse. then joseph starts SCREAMING. he sees a guy on the TV- miriskovic- sorry y’all idk my post-soviet history 💔 (update: i googled it, i don't even think that guy was real because all the results are links to wikis on this specific episode... reveals how little i truly know)

anyway, seeing that guy's face on the TV seems to have triggered the screaming situation. does he have trauma from the country he used to live in and seeing references to it makes these things happen…? that would be a wild episode. put me in the writer's room and let me cook.

scully quickly picks up on the fact that this case is Weird, and mulder admits it came from some random guy, which makes her suspicious. but they go to the crime scene, and, like always, he lifts the crime scene tape up over her head, and it’s very charming despite the lack of sensibility in going down this whole rabbit hole.

the minute they get in, they hear screaming and a gunshot! but it’s just some kids watching TV??? eating popcorn in a crime scene??? LMAO WHAT?

mulder kicks them out and scruffs one of the boy’s heads... ohhhh he needs to be a father so bad huh... like i have been saying this since s1 he just has a Need to tease and spoil children. well, we can unpack that another time. there's crime afoot.

so he watches the tv and it starts to go all static-y because a guy outside is fixing the wires. scully finds a TON of tapes and they’re just shelves and shelves of cable TV shows!!!

“there must be hundreds of videos here”, she says, to which he asks “anything good?” <- idk why this made me giggle. it sounded like he was gonna put one in and chill for a bit lmao

scully starts to wonder if seeing the cable news, like joseph had recorded, was what triggered his episode back at the hospital. ooooh! a theory!!!

cut to mulder watching a tape in the bed of his motel, making an absolute pile of sunflower seeds- this dude is gonna attract mice or something someday omfg- and also he has a cola which is peak american culture. LMAOOOO he has a HUGE pile of tapes on the floor i’m crying... my type A self could NOT deal with him!

he says he watched 36 hours of bernard shaw and bobbi batista and is now also ready to kill someone as scully welcomes him into her room, which also has cola but is much more nicely organized! she found something weird on the tapes from late april, each a night when he committed a murder

AND WHY DID MULDER GET ALL COZIED UP ON HER COUCH?????? hooooooly fuck i have never seen such a baby girl of a man

OMFG??? all the reports from the murder nights feature that miriskovic guy!!!

so did seeing violence make him violent? mulder says no, and that theory assumes that “americans are just empty vessels, ready to be filled with any idea or image that’s fed to them like a bunch of pavlov dogs, and go out and act on it” oh if only this man could see the news lately……… insert ben affleck smoking a cigarette image here to describe the things we see in our current age. mulder you would not believe.

he’s really bashing her theory, but she’s saying maybe he was high and seeing these things sent him on a spiral- makes sense to me

he is leaving to go get some sleep (after admitting he can’t explain what is going on!!! which always endears me) but scully says she is going to watch the rest of the tapes… a herculean task for our girl

middle of the night and it’s still tape time for scully, but she hears the phone ringing. she hears mulder having a conversation. and he says “no, she doesn’t” which is weird… that is suspicious… what doesn't she...

scully chews her ice which is so funny because me too sometimes. she has chewed all of her ice and must fetch more. and get a cola ofc!!! nothing more american than a cold soda iktr!

but she sees mulder in his car??? lighting up with cig man???? HUH??? and handing over a tape? omfg this is crazy. i assume she is hallucinating though, because no way….

cutscene to a lady named helene watching “the price is nice” (lmaooo) and washing some dishes. but the soap in the dishes starts to look funny- and everything is glitching around her!!! she sees a man outside in a hammock… kissing a woman!!! and oh, she is furious!! she gets her SHOTGUN?? this has escalated very fast. and we hear some shooting!!!

scully is still very visibly disturbed. mulder is reporting the murder, but she seems like a shell of herself. she checks the ash tray in the car, and there is no ash… she notices the car has been moved and he says he got a paper…. why do you ask…. “nothing. it’s nothing” OHHH THIS IS JUICY

so the crime scene has a very bloody hammock. and a dead man, who the wife claims he saw in the hammock with a blonde. but the only other creature at the scene was a dog!!!

OH!!! the hammock man wasn’t even helene's HUSBAND??? this really is LAYERED!! she killed the NEIGHBOR thinking it was her husband, who wasn’t even in town!!!!!! how do you mess this up so badly?

despite the fact that scully is clearly suspicious of mulder, she is sharing the umbrella with him in their usual fashion, and the sense of tension this produces is delicious

they go to investigate the crime scene and mulder finds some sort of bike and immediately climbs upon it while proclaiming that television does NOT cause violence (LMAOOO HE IS SO WEIRD i need him.)

they find a bunch more tapes and AGAIN the same guy is messing with the cables outside while they're investigating!!!! mulder is in chase mode!!!! but he cannot chase this dude in the van!!! no man, even a track star such as him, can outrun a van carrying secrets!

scully is trying to fast forward the TV and she looks out to see mulder climbing the pole…. average day for a man like him. he finds a weird cable scrambler in there. she wants to send it to the crime lab, but he says he’ll do the analysis, and she should go interview helene the murderer. OH... she is so suspicious, she just wants to go home…. scully :((( mulder is deeply confused as to why she is being so weird

so he takes the thingy to the lone gunmen, who say it looks like it’s used for blocking premium cable channels, which i didn’t even know was a thing, you learn so much with this show. but it doesn’t block anything!!! HOWEVER, if you compare a tv with the machine and one without it, the one with the machine is slightly different. hmm...

“you know how television works?” “yeah, you click it on, you have a picture” <- the man who said that line went to oxford btw

it seems that this cable blocker thingy is adding some sort of frequency, but they can’t tell what… hmm.

mulder on the road. scully calls and only asks “where are you” in this very flat and creepy tone and OH i’m scared!!!!

he tries to explain that there is some sort of signal being introduced to the tv- he even says she might be right about the tv inducing violence theory! but she isn’t answering… she hears a clicking, like they're being listened to, and she says he never went to the detective…. let’s wait and talk on a landline, he says.

despite being in his car many miles away, he can tell that there is something very wrong with scully. he says don’t go anywhere, he’ll be right there, and redials after she hangs up. it's very much echoing when she said something similar to him in his crazed gargoyle quest.

but she is so scared, she rips the phone out of the wall and takes it apart!!!! and then the lamp too, and the table. she is checking everything for any sort of bugs!

holy hell, we have never seen her like this before... but i’m actually gagged because she is usually relatively stoic and seeing her paranoid is so different, but it also feels very natural??? she is acting her ass off here as she rips up everything in this motel room. big shoutout to GA, i love your work.

and the static that set in helene's vision earlier is setting in hers now!!! she hears a car pull up and drops to the floor…. she hears a man say “she’s in here” and a pounding on the door.

OMFG someone tries to open the door and she FIRES 4 SHOTS RIGHT AWAY??? but it’s mulder!!!!

(author's note: i was thinking after i finished the episode, and we know that she is a good shot- remember how she hit just the right angle to knock mulder out but not kill him at the end of s2? so she is either SO out of it that she cannot even aim straight, or there is a tiny tiny tiny part of her that still thinks that mulder isn't worth killing. please mull over which option brings you greater angst)

he’s coming in with his gun and his hair is blowing in the wind and he can’t FIND HER!!!!! it was really very dramatic. hair blowing in the wind has this effect.

cutscene to scully’s mom’s house, and we see a picture of young scully on the table... AWW stop she’s so cuuuute and one of missy as well 😭😭😭

OH! it’s mulder on the phone calling mrs. scully in the middle of the night!!! NOOOO he has to tell her that he doesn’t know where she is :( NOOOO poor mrs. scully has gone through too much. he feels SO bad breaking this news, that he even apologizes for hanging up right away, something he never ever does. he must be in deeeep distress to do such a thing.

and why does he hang up?? because SKINNER IS HERE!!! he’s leading a manhunt for scully, and mulder is saying she shouldn’t be hunted like a convict… but skinner says dude SHE FIRED FOUR ROUNDS AT YOU AND SOME RANDOM GUY last night!!!!

despite this, mulder insists that he can get her to listen to him if they just keep her safe; she’s suffering from some sort of paranoid psychosis. skinner is being quite patient as he tries to explain that the video tapes made her do it. skinner says well... you better find her before these guys do.

GASP!!! he’s putting up the x on his window! and doing that thing where he bounces his basketball because he cannot relax!!! stop i'm emotional!!!!!

the lone gunmen call to say they found something on the tape…. and it induces electrical activity…. MIND CONTROL???

but why wasn’t he effected?

! MULDER LORE REVEAL ! HE’S RED-GREEN COLORBLIND???? THIS IS AN INSANE LORE DROP TO GIVE NEARLY 4 SEASONS IN??????

wait, is this just for plot purposes, or is DD actually colorblind and they decided to roll with it? because now i’m gonna be looking at all the red-ish things we see on screen (like his tie he is grabbing to emphasize his point) and wonder, can he see that? how does this impact his tie selection process....

okay that really threw me off guard. man, i was getting to think we'd never get another lore reveal, which is a shame because i quite like formatting those facts in that way. good to know we could get more at anytime!

he gets a phone call from maryland state police. the lone gunmen ask if she’s okay and he says no, he has to go and ID the body. WHAT!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!! he is trying to keep composed. holy fuck………..

(heavy breathing as i grab your shoulder and squeeze) hey man. hey. he was trying so hard to be strong.

so he pulls up to the morgue and stops before he gets out of the car, and holds his head above the wheel STOP I’LL CRY???? i’ll cry… what are they putting him through??? losing her again……..

(i mean i have SEEN gifs of scully in seasons past this one, so i know she's gonna pull through, but HE doesn't know that, and must be reliving the worst days of his life AGAIN, and aughhhhh!)

but the mystery guy from the start of the episode that give him the info on the muders pulls up and says get in right now!!!!!! mulder is furious, he says he’s busy. in a shocking display of insensitivity, mystery man says he does not give a fuck. mulder is yelling that this is all his fault. mystery man says “they” are destroying the evidence, and they’ll finish it by tomorrow if he keeps searching for her, but he kicks the door shut and ignores him.

(omg…. he loves her enough to break him out of his bloodhound mode… the dogged ahab-like quest for answers and revenge… i’m getting flashbacks to his conversation with missy in one breath…….. realizing he needs to put the ones he loves before his need for revenge sometimes..... wow)

so he walks into the morgue, and the dude in there says they found a body nude and shot in the forehead.

he closes his eyes to try and brace himself before taking a peek, to prepare to see her lifeless, probably reliving those many hours by her bedside when she was in the hospital, trying to imagine her shot in the forehead, the scully he knows and loves with her dry humor and her teasing smile and caffeine dependency, the her that is so full of life, lifeless…

but it isn’t her. PHEW!

despite this being good news that he has to share- she's not dead! her mother isn’t answering her phone…. so he goes to her house. and i'm thinking, oh my gosh, did she do something rash in her grief?

but mrs. scully answers the door and claims dana isn’t here. he bursts in and says he needs to see her right now. omg, he saw right through her lies.

(also, it always feels weird to refer to her as dana, but moving on)

NO!!!! she has him at gunpoint and says he’s here to kill him!!! poor guy looks so flabbergasted… and her mom is trying to get her to please put down the gun, and he’s trying to explain what is going on!!! he is so singularly locked into her….

“he’s lied to me from the beginning. he’s never trusted me” “scully, you are the only one i trust” AUGHHHHH (rips my clothes off of my body in biblical levels of grief)

“you’re one of the people who abducted me” AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (rips off not only my clothing but also my hair as i experience emotions that rival what job from the bible went through)

she’s CRYING, and saying he killed her sister while her mom gets between him and the gun… and she’s saying she knows she’s safe here, that’s why she came here, and to put the gun down. and she falls into her mother’s arms sobbing.

WHAAAAAAAAT. and he had to watch all that… oh my scully oh my goodness my poor scully…

timeskip a little bit. he shows up to the hospital where scully is with her mother, and mockingly puts his hands up in surrender, because he is so STUPID and he always has to make a joke, and i love him so terribly, so so so terribly, because he loves HER.

she's laying in the bed, and he shuts off the tv and asks how she’s feeling. she says she is ASHAMED- as if being a victim of mind control was a personal failing. scully, i want to yell, you have NO REASON to be ashamed, let me take all the shame from you and carry it elsewhere. she says it was like the world was turned upside down.

and he makes ANOTHER stupid joke about the world being out to get him, and now she knows how he feels-

before leaning in and explaining how joseph, the first murderer on this case, became convinced he was killing the bosnian war criminal who people called “the modern hitler”, which was especially important to him because both of his parents survived the holocaust. hence his line about the killing days being over!!!

and helene was scared her husband would cheat on her. so somehow the TV signal turned their worst fears into a living nightmare.

OHHHH HER WORST NIGHTMARE IS HIM BETRAYING HER. HIM BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR HER GOING MISSING AND LOSING HER AUTONOMY AND MEMORIES... wails into my shirt.

(this reminds me of that episode in s2- irresistible- when we learn her biggest fear is that humans are capable of terrible horrific things and grasping to trust despite that knowledge. we’re seeing that again right here. how uncertainty seeps in)

THEY CALL HIM THE CANCER MAN!!! wow very official canon recognition of the name (yeah it’s happened before but it happened again so that is cool) anyway she says she saw him giving cancer man the tapes and reporting.

he says that maybe cancer man was behind this, but then he whispers “why don’t you try and get some rest?” and there is something in me that melts so entirely as he leaves her to sleep.

(perhaps it is the fact that hurt/comfort and whump are my favorite tropes. because is there anything more intimate than letting someone see you at your most vulnerable, and them choosing to love you at it? is there any feeling more cutting than seeing your loved one suffer and knowing you’d stop the world for an instant of their relief? the terrible desperation of both parties, the wordless connection upon recovery, someone being the last thing you see before everything fades to black and then the first person you see when you return... yeah. it’s cathartic. but also it makes me want to yell and cry. pls give me all the hurt/comfort content)

so the doctor found high serotonin levels in her that maybe can be associated with mania, but now they’re back to normal. he asks if someone in her situation would be diagnosed with amphetamine abuse, and she says no. then he quickly calls the hospital where joseph is staying… what is he cooking in there…

he wants to talk to joseph's doctor, dr. stroman, who left behind only a number from the motel…. and he had JUST checked out…. so he’s going through his stuff. and asking about his calls. and he DOES find a cigarette in his room but a lot of people smoke so… try not to jump to conclusions juni… but the cigarettes mean one thing in this show!!! was this innocent-looking doctor behind such a cruel experiment?!

he calls and has the last number the doctor called get checked from the folks at the lab… so he goes to visit the place of residence and creepy music is playing. the dude from the cable company we saw before rolls up!!! he walks right inside the house, so mulder peeks inside. it seems the people in the house set up a trap of some sort, as they are talking about “him” showing up at 7.

he bursts in after hearing gunshots and both of the men in there are dead!!! shot in the head!!!!

who is there... but X???? X says he HAD to kill those men- he just hoped mulder would get them first. and oh, mulder is YELLING AT X!!! he is letting him HAVE IT!!! he says he is a coward, he was too scared to unveil the situation with the mind control TV murders himself….. he says X NEVER risks his own life, but he sure does make him risk mulder and scully’s.

OH! he is holding X at gunpoint. all X is saying is that he failed, and that mulder needs him. so he walks out, confident he won't pull the trigger. and he doesn't.

WHAT! i need to kind of just let that sit for a second. i need to figure out this X fellow, but i get the sense i never will…. he failed… because he chose to try and save scully…….

cutscene to skinner’s office, where mulder is giving him a report. and scully walks in and says that dr. stroman DIED IN 1978!!! when skinner asks about the killer, mulder jumps in and says he remains unknown… oh, skinner is def gonna pick up on that….

so now we see X in a random back alley. getting into a car…. WITH CANCER MAN?????? X REPORTS TO CANCER MAN??? he asks if he has completed his work, and X reports that he has cleaned out all the personnel, everything is removed, but mulder still has a device. and mulder’s source has been eliminated. but the source’s source remains unknown. oh, he’s def lying through his teeth.

OOOOOOH this episode was SO good.

oh man, my brain is racing in a bunch of different directions. scully breaking down and sobbing into her mother’s arms…. scully convinced that mulder is a traitor, that he did those terrible things to her…. mulder so scared that she was gone, bouncing his basketball, getting a call from the police department that he had to go identify her… choosing her, even in what he thought was death, over following the Truth… the sick and twisted relationship he has with X, and X with Cancer Man, and Cancer Man with the world… it’s making me think of how mulder broke into his house that one time, was going to kill him over what he did to scully, and cancer man had the nerve to say he liked mulder… OOOH my brain is just racing racing racing.

poor scully… how scared she was, how horrified afterward…

other things that are on my mind, in no particular order: the bond between scully and her mother; mulder being all babygirl on that couch; mulder hopping on that bicycle and picking up some random doll from the murder victim's house; how haunting scully's voice was when she asked him over the phone where he was; their cola drinking; mrs. scully trusting mulder no matter what; how he tried to cover the grief in his voice when he told the lone gunmen he had to go identify her body; how he kicked the door shut of the mystery man, damning the investigation to pay his respects; how his head hovered above the wheel of the car before he got out to do that; how X uses and uses him to no clear end, and what is HE doing reporting to cig man, and what was that random doctor doing conducted fucked up experiments on random people; and scully's miraculously bad aim; mulder's conviction he could talk sense into her (spoiler: he could not); her shame at being convinced he had been the one who abducted her; how terrifying that must have been; and his stupid jokes when he walked into her hospital room, with the sincerity he tries so hard to outrun and outfox breaking through in his whispered why don't you get some rest?

so needless to say, i see why this one is a fan-favorite. this is certainly one i will be revisiting in the future when i need something strong. i have a million things to think over that will stick with me Forever, and i am in no rush to move on from this. in fact, i took these notes yesterday, but in the process of editing them tonight, i have decided i am not ready for the season finale and will have to save it for tomorrow because i'm still feeling So Many Things. so stay tuned to see how that goes, because whew!

#man i did all the typing of the notes yesterday but editing them took another hour today because RAHHHHH there was so much here to unpack #and i am going to KEEP unpacking it for a while #someone please give that man a child it is becoming increasingly evident he loves being around kids #let's get him to talk about his feelings first and then he can have a baby okay? one thing at a time #OHHH WHAT is this X fellow UP TO?!?!? AUGHHH i need to know #scully. my poor poor poor sweet scully. you deserve no pain and yet such pain has been inflicted upon you.#and her poor mother :( she is just the sweetest :( the pictures of dana and missy on her bedside table...#she is so loved :( and she loves mulder too which is so important :(#WAHHHH <- more crying!!!#so good. but in case you were wondering this still didn't bring actual tears to my eyes.#i guess that is just for poor little doggies getting eaten by beasts...#juni's x files liveblog #the x files #txf

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yuujispinkhair · 4 months

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Separation Anxiety (Chapter 13)

Put your lips on my scars and teach me to love

When a ritual separates Sukuna from Yuuji, Sukuna is delighted to find that besides having his own body, there is also another gift handed to him: The brat has lost all his memories and is now the perfect little plaything to take home and manipulate. At least, that's the plan. But the King of Curses isn't prepared for the feelings that come along with being human again. And another complication is how cute the brat is when he has no idea who Sukuna is and, instead of hating him, treats him with genuine love and affection. So, without realizing it, Sukuna suddenly finds himself on a journey of learning how to be loved and how to love.

++ Masterpost ++

Pairing: Sukuna x Yuuji Genre: Memory Loss AU, fluff, smut, light angst Word Count: 5k Playlist: Separation Anxiety Warnings: 18+, smut, mentions of violence, dub-con (Yuuji has lost his memories, and Sukuna lies to him about being boyfriends). All characters are of age. This story is 18+. Minors don't interact.

A little reminder for this chapter: In this AU, Shibuya and the Culling Game never happened.

Chapter 13

You've been my God, and when you're gone, I'm godless. But with my eyes closed, I'm still dancing in your love (Godless by BANKS)

Yuuji's POV:

Yuuji feels like he is trapped in a nightmare. It's similar to the feeling he initially had when, all those months ago, he woke up in a room he didn't know, with all his memories gone. But the difference is that back then, the nightmare soon dissolved, and while things were still weird for the first few days, Yuuji soon felt comfortable and was able to adjust to the life that Sukuna showed him. The life that Yuuji believed was his.

But now, all that comfort and warmth is gone, ripped out of his hands and soul so cruelly. This is a nightmare Yuuji cannot wake up from.

He cannot bring himself to feel at home in this weird private school outside of Tokyo, surrounded by people he doesn't remember who keep telling him nightmarish things about curses and sorcerers and a fight between good and evil, which apparently Yuuji is part of.

A world in which Yuuji is the hero and Sukuna is the villain.

The first time they told him who Sukuna really is, Yuuji laughed hysterically. It seemed utterly insane. And yet, it matched the things Sukuna had said to him before he kicked Yuuji out.

The sorcerers showed Yuuji ancient records dating back over a thousand years, which talked about the strongest sorcerer of the Heian era. A King, a monster so terrifying and powerful that he was compared to a natural disaster.

The King of Curses. Ryomen Sukuna.

A name that is still feared today, a name that stands for bloodshed and cruelty, an ancient evil that everyone wishes had never been awakened again.

But Sukuna came back. He came back through Yuuji. He lived inside Yuuji for years, shared a body with him, and entwined their souls.

And Yuuji can still feel it.

His hand automatically comes up to his chest, pressing it against the spot that always feels so hollow now, like something is missing there, like there is a wound inside him that aches and bleeds and yearns for that missing piece. He wonders if Sukuna can feel it, too.

Everything feels strange.

Yuuji knows he should be appalled. And he is. He feels sick when he hears the stories about Sukuna. But at the same time, he cannot let go of the doubts running through his mind. Because the man Yuuji lived with, isn't the same person those records talk about. This monster everyone warns him about isn't at all like the man waiting in that fancy penthouse apartment. That caring, funny, and loving man who made Yuuji so happy.

Of course, looking back, Yuuji has to admit that there were several things that seemed off. Things that seemed utterly ludicrous or made no sense if Yuuji tried to dig a bit deeper. He had been aware of those, but had decided to ignore them.

He can recall feeling uneasy around Sukuna at first. This weird feeling of being prey that got cornered by its predator, like an insect caught in a spider's web. It had made the hairs on Yuuji's arms stand up. But Yuuji had swallowed that uneasiness down, refused to show it, and bravely fought it with all his power. He didn't want to make the man who took him in and looked after him feel like Yuuji was scared of him. Yuuji didn't want to seem ungrateful. He didn't want to hurt the person who said he was Yuuji's boyfriend.

And after all, it simply never occurred to Yuuji that someone would make up a story like that just to keep him with them. So he ignored that weird feeling and told himself he was stupid for being wary. Because why should he be scared of his own boyfriend?

And soon, things felt different. Soon Yuuji felt drawn to Sukuna. Soon, he felt at ease around him. Soon, he really liked Sukuna. And he chided himself for thinking something seemed off in the beginning. Sukuna was sweet to him! He was caring and understanding and so patient with Yuuji and his recovery. He was the perfect boyfriend.

Looking back at it now, Yuuji knows that it was just part of the plan that was supposed to lead to his downfall. But was it really just that?

In the beginning, it probably was. But after that? After several months of living together? Didn't Sukuna seem really distraught and sick with worry when Yuuji got injured? Hadn't it been real love looking back at Yuuji out of those beautiful sapphire eyes when they made love during that thunderstorm?

When Yuuji thinks of Sukuna, he doesn't see red eyes and bloodshed. He doesn't see a cruel smirk, and violence. When Yuuji thinks of Sukuna, he sees a genuine smile and light blue eyes that were always so warm when they looked at Yuuji. He sees a warm, loving hand reaching out to him to hold him, to guide him, to take care of him.

The memories make Yuuji choke. Make him hug himself tightly as a deep longing fills him, so strong that it manifests in physical pain.

The people at the Jujutsu Academy try to tell him it is all just a lie, that the love he and Sukuna shared has never been real. But that's not how it feels to Yuuji.

Am I too naive? Was it really all just a game to Sukuna?

Yuuji cannot believe it, even after everything they told him. He is still haunted by the tenderness of the last kiss Sukuna breathed onto his cheek and the sadness written all over Sukuna's face when he pushed Yuuji away. That wasn't the face of a man who was just playing a cruel game. That was the face of someone who had his heart ripped out of his chest.

Yuuji wants to leave. He wants to go home.

It's not that the people here at the academy are mean to him. They aren't at all. Everyone is very nice to him. They look at him with eyes that hold empathy and sadness. Yuuji can easily believe that those people used to be his friends in a life he can't remember. Megumi and Nobara seem nice and truly worried about him. Yuuji is sure that in his former life, the three of them got along really well.

But even though he is convinced they mean well, he can't bring himself to accept any of it. Everything feels wrong now that everything he believed was true is suddenly revealed as a big lie.

His former teachers, now coworkers, try to re-introduce Yuuji to his life as a jujutsu sorcerer. They show him documents, pictures, and all kinds of twisted things that shouldn't even exist. And Yuuji asks a thousand questions. Sometimes, he receives sad smiles in return and no real answer. Other times, he gets the cold, hard truth that sends him spiraling even further and yet makes him feel strangely better because at least he knows they aren't holding things back from him.

He finds that the white-haired, tall guy, Gojo, is the most open about things. At times, what he tells Yuuji seems tactless and cruel, but Yuuji appreciates that someone tells him everything instead of treating him with kid gloves.

Gojo is also the one who answers Yuuji's most pressing question.

They are sitting at Gojo's desk. Various files are spread out on the table, reports about former missions. Yuuji's skin tingles unpleasantly anytime Gojo casually mentions how many victims there had been in each case.

The life of a jujutsu sorcerer seems to be filled with blood and death. Sorcerers have to kill, and it makes a feeling of dread wash over Yuuji, which gradually grows stronger and stronger until he can't take it anymore and he asks what has been plaguing him ever since they opened that first file,

"Did... did I kill someone, too?"

"Yes."

That single word makes black spots dance in front of Yuuji's eyes as he clenches his fists so tightly that his nails draw blood.

"You had to do it, Yuuji. Don't blame yourself for it. Those were people who got transfigured into something else completely. You gave them peace by doing it. You are a good person."

Yuuji can only huff at that. Just yesterday, he read about several clan heads getting murdered by Sukuna a thousand years ago, and the reports painted Sukuna as a ruthless monster. And now Yuuji listens to the deaths that were caused by his own hands, but the reports file it under a job well done, a success for humanity.

Blood is rushing in his ears.

Everyone here tells him that the sorcerers are on the good side and that they protect people. And, of course, Yuuji likes the thought of being a hero. He likes the thought of fighting evil. But the problem is that he is painfully becoming aware that things rarely are just as black and white as a lot of people seem to believe.

Yuuji's face twists in a pained grimace as he thinks of those horror movies he recently watched with Sukuna, The Human Earthworm series, and how Yuuji felt a strange sympathy for the monster. The series had touched him in a way that he wasn't able to explain, but maybe he is beginning to understand it now.

Is there 100% evil and 100% good? Who decides who is a monster?

Yuuji gulps hard as he thinks again about that one special file with his name on the front. The red one. The one that contains information about how he became part of the jujutsu society. The circumstances of his birth. How he was made to be the perfect vessel or, rather, the perfect cage for Sukuna. And the document that states that Yuuji was sentenced to death. He found out that it was only thanks to Megumi and Gojo that his execution had been suspended. But most members of the jujutsu society still refuse to see him as a human being. In their eyes, Yuuji is a monster, too.

Gojo's large hand reaches out and ruffles Yuuji's hair in what is supposed to be a soothing gesture. But Yuuji flinches away from it. The gentle touch reminds him too painfully of Sukuna.

He excuses himself and flees to his room, hiding in the bed that feels too small and too cold and too empty.

He switches on the TV in a desperate attempt to distract himself and drown out all the thoughts that keep torturing him. But unbidden, his mind wanders to memories of pink hair on black silk sheets, beautiful sapphire-colored eyes that look deeply into his, and strong, tattooed arms reaching out to hold him gently. Yuuji imagines he can still feel the warmth of those arms around him, and before he even realizes what he is doing, he hugs himself in an attempt to soothe the longing those memories cause.

No matter how fake things might have been in the beginning, the last few months with Sukuna had been wonderful.

They lived in their own little world. They only had each other and Uraume. But it was enough. It was perfect. Sukuna and Yuuji watched movies every night, they laughed together, they went on dates, they made love, they kissed for hours and drowned in each other's eyes, and Yuuji felt as close to Sukuna as he thinks one can possibly feel to another person. They were happy. They were in love. And Yuuji wants that back!

A strangled sob escapes his lips, and he pushes himself up into a kneeling position. His fist connects with his pillow, punching it desperately as more sobs shake his body and angry tears run down his face.

Why can't I let go?

Why does that place in his chest still ache so much, as if his soul is bleeding? As if it yearns and screams for its other half. The other half that is supposedly evil incarnate and yet feels like the only thing that can make Yuuji feel okay again.

Yuuji is sitting in the dining area with Megumi and Nobara, listening half-heartedly to their bickering. Nobara is talking about a shopping spree she wants to do, and Megumi chides her for spending too much money on useless things. But Yuuji's mind is filled with memories of walking through the city with Sukuna only a few weeks ago. The feeling of Sukuna's thumb caressing his wrist when Yuuji took his hand. The smile on Sukuna's face when Yuuji came out of the changing room in a fine black suit he tried on in one of the designer stores.

Before he can stop himself, Yuuji blurts out,

"I want to go home."

Silence settles over the table. Nobara and Megumi have both stopped talking mid-sentence and stare at him before they both ask at the same moment,

"Why would you want to go back?"

It's almost comical how they stare at him with such incredulous expressions on their faces. But Yuuji can't find the situation funny. He feels a whole array of contradicting emotions curse through him. Guilt, because these are his friends, and they are worried about him and want to protect him, and he is so stubborn and refuses to let them save him. Sadness because despite everything, he misses Sukuna. And a steadily growing irritation that everyone here claims they know what's best for Yuuji without actually listening to what he wants. And that's what makes him stare back at his friends challengingly,

"Because I miss my home, of course. And I miss Sukuna."

His friends stare at him as if he has lost his mind. Nobara is the first to react. Her small fists land loudly on the wooden table, and she practically yells at him,

"Are you fucking dumb? He is the King of Curses! You cannot go back to him!"

And then Megumi's low voice joins in, calmer than Nobara but still obviously furious.

"We told you who he is and what he did. How can you still want to go back? Snap out of it, Itadori! This is your home! Here at the academy, with us. You wouldn't be safe with Sukuna. Don't be stupid."

"But the person you told me about, this King of Curses. That isn't the Sukuna I know! The Sukuna I know isn't evil!"

Yuuji knows how stupid he sounds, trying to argue and ignore the truth. Acting like a stubborn and naive child. But he can't help it. Nothing makes sense anymore. The person they tell him about sounds like a stranger to Yuuji. Nothing they tell him about Sukuna sounds like the man Yuuji lived with. The man he shared his bed with. The man he watched movies with every night. The man who carried him to bed when Yuuji fell asleep. The man he laughed with, the man he cuddled with, and went on morning runs in the park with. Nothing they say sounds like the man Yuuji was in love with, and who, as Yuuji still firmly believes, loved him too.

Megumi looks at him with his blue eyes, which are a darker shade of blue than Sukuna's. His usually so calm voice is trembling lightly,

"He is a bad person. He killed people."

A hysterical laugh escapes Yuuji's lips at that.

"So did I, apparently, and you too. Everyone here is a murderer, Megumi."

"That's different!"

"Maybe I had good reasons for it, maybe I didn't. All I know is that there is blood on my hands, too! So, who am I to judge? Maybe Sukuna thought he was in the right, too. We don't know it! Were you there a thousand years ago? Did you see it happen? Do you know Sukuna? Because I do! And he isn't the evil monster you are trying to tell me he is!"

Yuuji knows he sounds delusional, but he cannot stop. He adds stubbornly,

"Think what you want, but he isn't the way you say. And I want to go home and see him again because I love him."

Megumi looks like Yuuji hit him. He shakes his head, eyes pleading helplessly with Yuuji now, his face twisted with worry.

"It's not love, Itadori..."

Yuuji knows Megumi means good, but he cannot stop himself from feeling anger rise in his chest. Anger that everyone treats him like a stupid child or some lunatic who has lost his mind. Anger that no one allows him to have his own opinion on the matter. Anger that no one actually listens to what he says. He glares at Megumi, his hands balled into fists under the table, but his voice is deadly calm, a low, dangerous growl,

"Don't tell me what my relationship is and what it's not."

Yuuji gets up so fast that his chair gets knocked over, but he doesn't care. He has to get away! He cannot bear looking into the pleading eyes of his former friends and hear their accusations and judgment. He cannot stand to see the worry in their eyes or hear the desperation in their voices as they try to save him from the monster that Yuuji refuses to see as a monster.

Or maybe he believes them. Maybe Sukuna is a monster. But after everything that Yuuji has learned about himself, he is pretty sure that he is a monster, too. Maybe that's why his and Sukuna's souls match so well.

Maybe we are two monsters who belong together. Maybe it takes a monster to love a monster.

Yuuji storms outside, breathing heavily as he runs towards the large gates, even though he already knows what will happen once he is close enough.

As expected, only a few seconds later, Yuuji runs into an invisible wall. It makes him stumble back, but instead of trying to regain his balance, Yuuji lets himself fall to the ground defeatedly, landing on his ass with a loud thud.

He tilts his head back to look at the slight glimmer in the air before him, which indicates where the powerful barrier starts. There is no use fighting it. Yuuji is effectively locked in here.

He laughs grimly at the irony that the sorcerers installed a barrier around the academy that keeps Yuuji locked inside while at the same time they try to tell him that Sukuna was the one who held him hostage.

At least Sukuna let me leave the house anytime I wanted.

Yuuji lets out a shaky breath. He knows no one believes him when he says that he and Sukuna were in love. He knows they are convinced it was just one-sided, that Yuuji got tricked into having feelings for Sukuna, while Sukuna only saw it as a cruel little game.

But Yuuji refuses to believe them. He knows that his and Sukuna's relationship wasn't just a lie.

He cannot forget the way Sukuna looked at him. And he can't help but think that he is the only one who truly knows Sukuna. The real Sukuna. Not the King of Curses. But the man behind that title. The man who thinks cherry blossoms look pretty, especially when they land on Yuuji's hair. The man who always has that happy expression in his eyes when he eats a good meal. The man who reads poetry and laughed even louder than Yuuji at certain movie scenes. The man who almost purred when Yuuji petted his hair and who was clinging tightly to his boyfriend in his sleep.

The thought makes Yuuji smile sadly. He can still remember how it felt to be wrapped in Sukuna's arms and in his love. And it still feels like the only thing that makes sense in this world.

How is Yuuji supposed to move on from something that felt so right? How is he supposed to believe that this is wrong?

Yuuji sighs. Tears slowly run down his cheeks, but he doesn't bother wiping them away.

It hurts. Everything hurts. There is this emptiness in Yuuji's chest again, as if something that is supposed to be there has been ripped out of him forcefully. And in moments like these, it grows stronger and turns from a dull ache to a stabbing pain.

He pulls his knees to his chest, hugging himself as he cries softly while sitting on the cold, stony path, probably looking like misery incarnated. But Yuuji cannot feel embarrassed even when Gojo finds him like this.

Gojo doesn't say anything but just sits down next to Yuuji, not close enough that they touch, but close enough so Yuuji can feel the warmth radiating from Gojo's body. They sit in silence for a moment until the words spill from Yuuji's lips.

"I want to see him again. I want my life back! Even if it isn't really my life, I want it back! But everyone tells me I am wrong for wanting it. Everyone tells me Sukuna is evil. All the reports say he is a monster. But I have all those other memories of him. Sukuna was so... He was sweet to me! Everyone tells me I am crazy and that I only got manipulated into thinking I love Sukuna, but that's not how it feels to me! It was real! And it hurts that I am not with him! I don't know what to do. I feel like a part of me is missing and that I will never be whole again if I cannot be with Sukuna."

Those otherworldly blue eyes look thoughtfully at him. There is no anger or judgment, only a deep, knowing sadness as if Gojo understands what Yuuji is talking about.

When Gojo answers, his voice is very different from the one he usually uses. There is no teasing undertone to it, no amused smirk on his face, no mockery. Instead, he sounds wary, as if the words he says to Yuuji have been haunting him for a long time.

"Love is the cruelest curse of all, Yuuji. We cannot control who we love, and even when we know a thousand reasons why we shouldn't love them, we still cannot change it."

Another sob escapes Yuuji's lips, and he nods wildly. Gojo smiles, but it's a sad smile, one of regret.

"I, too, thought Sukuna wasn't capable of love. But maybe I was wrong. I thought about it a lot after you came here and told your story. The thing is, If you ask anyone, they will tell you I am not capable of love either. But that's not true. I have loved in the past. I have loved so much that it became my biggest weakness."

Yuuji blinks at his former teacher, surprised that Gojo is talking about personal things. And that he doesn't seem to outright say Sukuna just played with Yuuji. Gojo smirks at Yuuji, but it isn't his usual aloof smirk. It looks forced and isn't able to hide the raw emotions underneath it. When Gojo continues, his voice is soft, carrying a vulnerability Yuuji hasn't seen in Gojo yet.

"The one I loved did terrible things, too. But that wasn't able to make me stop loving him. In the end, I killed him, and it still haunts me and I still ask myself every day if I could have done something differently. If I could have brought him back on our side. If I could have saved him if I just tried harder. That's my curse, and I carry it with me at all times."

And Yuuji understands. Gojo can relate to him. Yuuji smiles softly and offers a sincere, "I am sorry."

But Gojo isn't finished.

"Before your memory loss, the connection between you and Sukuna was a breeding ground for hate. Sukuna treated you and the ones you cared about with cruelty, and so you reacted fittingly and treated him with hate, too. But everything changed when you lost your memories. Because it meant that Sukuna was a blank page for you. And for whatever reason, he wanted you to believe he was your boyfriend, so he was nice to you. He didn't give you any reason to hate him. And so you treated him differently, too. You treated him with affection instead of hatred. Maybe that is what changed everything."

Yuuji gulps hard and looks at his former teacher with a racing pulse and a flicker of something in the back of his mind. A thought, an understanding, that sits deep inside him, but he cannot quite catch yet.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that maybe there is more to that whole fake-boyfriend thing. What if Sukuna himself wasn't aware of the real reason why he did it? What if this whole idea was born out of a deep-buried wish, maybe? Something Sukuna didn't even know he craved: To get a taste of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that genuine love that you have in you? He watched you give that love to everyone around you all those years he spent inside your body. He saw it when you were kind to strangers and ran to everyone's rescue. He saw it in the way you treated your friends. So, what if, deep down, Sukuna wanted to be on the receiving end of that love, too, for once?

And he got that from you after you lost your memories, didn't he? You gave him love, Yuuji. Because that's just what you do. That's who you are.

You are so genuine, so sweet, and full of love. You come to others with open arms and affection, ready to save everyone and give your life for them. There is no one else who is better at making people's hearts melt. You are the embodiment of love.

And maybe that is what Sukuna needed. Maybe this was the only way he could learn about love. Maybe he needed you to show him. If anyone is able to teach Sukuna how to love, I am sure it is you."

Yuuji stares at Gojo, utterly touched by his words, his mind whirling. He lets out a shaky breath and wipes his eyes with his palms.

"So... does that mean you believe me that what Sukuna and I had was real? You believe me that Sukuna loves me too and is no danger to me?"

Gojo laughs softly, but Yuuji can see the seriousness of the situation in those otherworldly blue eyes.

"What I believe is that if Sukuna wanted, he would have already attacked us. He would have already burned down this whole city months ago and killed everyone who didn't fall on their knees in front of him. But did he do any of that?

He didn't. And there is no logical explanation for it. The only thing I can think of is that you are the reason. Sukuna changed his agenda because of you. Maybe he isn't interested in those things anymore because he found something else, something more powerful. Maybe he chose you and your love instead of the destruction and solitude he was used to."

Gojo's gaze burns into Yuuji's as the seconds tick by, and his words sink in. Yuuji feels like he will choke on the fresh tears that threaten to spill over. He wipes furiously at his eyes, gulping hard. And Gojo smiles that sad smile again before he adds,

"If you want to leave, you are free to do so. I won't let them keep you a prisoner, especially not since I think they got it all wrong. You are far more powerful than they think or than you think. You were created to be the perfect cage for Sukuna, the only one strong enough to control him. And I think that's what you still do. You still have control over Sukuna, even now that you are two separate people. Maybe that is the fate Sukuna can't escape from.

It's quite ironic, isn't it? Sukuna isn't trapped inside your body anymore, but you still have control over him because he cares about you now. That's why I think you are still everyone's life insurance, and it would be pretty counterproductive to keep you and Sukuna apart. You still serve as a cage for the King of Curses because you made him fall in love with you."

And with that, Gojo makes a gesture with his hands. Yuuji feels a slight tingling sensation on his skin. The subtle glimmer in the air in front of him vanishes, and Gojo gets up and grins down at him, extending one hand to Yuuji.

Yuuji takes it and lets his former teacher pull him to his feet, his gaze fixed on the now barrier-free path before him.

Yuuji has barely reached the broad road leading into the city when a loud bark to his left fills the air. A moment later, a large dog is standing in front of him in the middle of the road. Yuuji skitters to a halt just when a familiar low voice speaks up behind him.

"Don't do it. Please, don't go back. I know what Gojo is doing. He is sending you back because he thinks you can serve as another cage for Sukuna. Don't you see it? This isn't about helping you. He is using you, just like they all do. Don't go, Yuuji. You finally have a chance to escape all of this. You have a chance to live your own life. You aren't Sukuna's vessel or cage anymore. You are free. Don't throw that away."

Megumi steps up to Yuuji, looking at him with those sad blue eyes filled with worry and longing, and Yuuji knows at that moment. He knows that Megumi truly cares about him. That Megumi wants to protect him. That Megumi loves him. It makes Yuuji's heart clench. His face softens, and he reaches out to pat Megumi's shoulder and smiles the broadest smile at him that he can,

"Thank you, Megumi. But you see, I want to go back. I am not doing this to sacrifice myself. I am doing it because I want it. I am doing it for me. Because I want that life back that made me happy. And I want to be with Sukuna. Or at least I want to talk to him and try to find a way to make this work."

"I don't think it is safe for you."

"I know you are worried about me, Megumi. Thank you for that, but I have to figure things out for myself. Because everything I learned here is very different from how I experienced things when I was still living with Sukuna. And you said it yourself. I am free. I want to use this freedom to find out the whole truth. Please understand that. That's all I'm asking."

Megumi sighs, his hands repeatedly balling into fists and unclenching again. He looks deeply into Yuuji's eyes as if he is searching for something.

"Can you promise me that you are really doing this for yourself?"

Yuuji nods wildly, his smile growing even bigger,

"I promise you. Trust me. It's going to be okay."

He feels a strange familiarity as if this has happened before. As if he has spoken those words to Megumi before. He sees Megumi's eyes widen, maybe remembering it, too. His lips tremble slightly as he stares at Yuuji for a long moment, but then Megumi nods slowly and takes a step back.

"Okay, I trust you. But be careful... and remember, if you die again, I'll kill you myself."

Yuuji stares at his friend's stern gaze for a moment, feeling that same sense of deja vu again. As if Megumi has said those exact words to him before, too. In his life before the memory loss, before the separation from Sukuna. As if this is some inside joke Megumi and Yuuji have, and it makes Yuuji laugh heartily, feeling lighter now that his friend seems to have his back.

Yuuji turns around and lets out a long breath. He will return to the city and to Sukuna. He doesn't know how things will be when he faces Sukuna again now that Yuuji knows the truth. He doesn't know how he will feel when he looks into Sukuna's eyes again. He doesn't even know if Sukuna will talk to him. But Yuuji knows that he wants to try. He knows that he needs to see the man again who impacted his life so profoundly, before and after the memory loss.

I know what I want, and I can be pretty stubborn. I won't give up that easily!

Thank you so much for reading! I struggled a lot with this chapter, but I worked so long on it and re-wrote and edited it many times, so I hope it is ok now!! I gave my best!

I needed to add a scene with Yuuji and Megumi because my heart was bleeding at the thought of what they lost. So I hope this little scene was able to make things better and show that they still have a deep connection based on genuine love.

And I cried so much at the whole "Sukuna unintentionally wanted to be on the receiving end of Yuuji's love" thing and that he changed because Yuuji finally treated him with love instead of hate. I personally really think that if anyone can teach Sukuna love, it is Yuuji.

Also, it makes me happy that our King of Selflessness, Itadori Yuuji, stands up for what HE wants ;)

Thank you so much if you are still reading this AU!! It means a lot to me!!

Comments and reblogs would be very sweet 💗

#sukuita #sukuna x yuuji #sukuna x itadori #sukuna #ryomen sukuna

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monstersinthecosmos · 1 month

Note

Marius considers Armand the main mistake of his life

Do you think he would turn him into a vampire again if he could go back in time?

!!!!!!!!!! the easy answer to this is yes of course because he's a person trapped in a cycle who makes the same mistakes over and over 😂

but! the deeper answer here is that I don't agree that Marius considers Armand a mistake!!!!!!!!!

I think he regrets the way Armand was turned and regrets that he didn't take care of Santino when he had the chance. I think he spent 500 years feeling like he failed Armand, and so the content of the actual mistake is not Armand himself, but the circumstances around him and wishing things had been different in Venice.

This is the part in TVL where Marius says he fucked up with Armand -

"Whatever will happen will happen, but choose your companions with care. Choose them because you like to look at them and you like the sound of their voices, and they have profound secrets in them that you wish to know. In other words, choose them because you love them. Otherwise you will not be able to bear their company for very long. "

"I understand, " I said. "Make them in love. "

"Exactly, make them in love. And make certain they have had some lifetime before you make them; and never never make one as young as Armand. That is the worst crime I have ever committed against my own kind, the taking of the young boy child Armand. "

"But you didn't know the Children of Darkness would come when they did, and separate him from you. "

"No. But still, I should have waited. It was loneliness that drove me to it. And Armand's helplessness, that his mortal life was so completely in my hands. Remember, beware of that power, and the power you have over those who are dying. Loneliness in us, and that sense of power, can be as strong as the thirst for blood. “

So like obviously AR retconned Armand's backstory a bit over time, like this version of events doesn't say Marius did it because Armand got stabbed and was dying lol, but I think there's still a throughline between this and TVA and B&G about how Marius was trying to wait, and in waiting kept changing his mind until his hand was forced.

And don't forget that during the Venice era he was also painfully in love with both Botticelli and Bianca, and he used Armand as a rebound from them. He was going off of Eudoxia's advice to pick someone he could groom for vampirism, and he picked a traumatized teenager who could be a blank slate.

He changed his mind almost immediately though! He loved Armand! He knew he couldn't do this to him, but also began to realize he'd sort of ruined Armand for regular life anyway, and it was inevitable!

So I think like, in any version of events, or if he had the chance to do things differently, the common denominator of crushing loneliness would push him to it anyway, and he loved Armand anyway. He wanted to keep Armand. I just wonder if he'd try to prepare him better and let him live longer, and take care of the coven so that they wouldn't ruin Armand's life.

And the thing about time loops & time travel that we see in storytelling all the time is that things are sometimes inevitable. Like, Marius can go back in time and try to keep Armand from dating Harlech, but he can't do anything about it during the day, and Armand is going to do it anyway. Armand isn't going to listen!

And when I think about what parts of Armand's personality are innate and what's The Trauma it's like, we talk all the time about how they're immortal and have all the time in the world to heal, so who's to say that Armand won't be okay one day! And would the Marius of 2112 risk a change like this if Armand is happy and okay and their relationship is good?

Because even if he waited and turned Armand a little older and they had more time together, and eventually get to a good place, is it worth the risk to lose the GOOD things they've built together, or that have happened because of Armand? Like without Armand, would Marius have Daniel? Would he even have Lestat? Would he have ever been freed from TWMBK?

There's a fluffy version of time travel where you go back and fix something and everything is okay LOL so we ultimately come back to the classic topic of Marius loving selfishly vs selflessly--would he ever decide his loneliness is worth the 300 years of pain that Armand went through? Or are we dealing with the type of time travel that says some things are inevitable, and the lesson of the story is that you can't change it without losing something?

And how would ARMAND even feel about it? Armand takes his immortality like a champ and while he has big cosmic feelings about it sometimes, he doesn't complain. He feels love. He still fears death like everyone else. Is this a risk he'd even consent to? Would he turn in his own damnation for death? Is his death, and the gift of being freed from a curse worth missing out on his love of Lestat and Louis and Daniel and Benji & Sybelle?

THERE'S JUST SO MANY WAYS IT COULD GO WRONG LIKE IS IT EVEN WORTH IT IDK

JUST THE BRIEFEST OVERVIEW WITH A FEW SIMPLE OPTIONS, THIS HAS INFINITE SPACE TO GROW TBH

I love time travel as a topic LMAO I keep daydreaming about ways to write time travel VC fic!!!!! I love it for Sheith fandom but it's easier to incorporate because it's sci-fi. But I think as a storytelling vehicle it always tries to tell us to stick with the devil we know. I think I'm getting carried away with my nerd topic and straying from your question LMAO but this is how I'm pondering.

I'd also ask if SANTINO would do things differently. If he'd leave Armand alone!!!!!!!!! And I'll stop here because, like I said, the space on the chart is infinite and you could talk all day because what if Santino hadn't acted like a cunt, what if Marius didn't feel that TWMBK were threatened by cults, what if there had been even the slightest peace in the vampire community where Marius didn't have to feel like the sole keeper, how different would his life have been, would he have even still needed Armand, etc etc etc etc

So yeah I think he'd do it again. :)

And I mean.

He turned Benji.

Soooooooooooooo idk if he learned a lesson about turning children. SHRUG.

#marius de romanus #armand #marius/armand #vampire chronicles #deep ass thoughts about vampires #trauma hole theory #<- this is also the basis of trauma hole theory like are vampires stuck in a loop #tvl quotes #vc quotes #the vampire lestat #the vampire armand #blood & gold

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cruyuu · 1 month

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Hi!

My thoughts about what I'm about to point out aren't coherent yet but you're the first person I thought of when it came to me

So Yuuji's still missing his left pinky finger after Sukuna changed vessel and RCT can't fix that because that's a piece of Yuuji's soul that was ripped off

And now I'm following the theory that the finger in the last panel is the one that was imbued in Yuuji from birth that he removed himself through his ring finger

And in my brain it's like 'there's some skit bs going on here' and idk if I'm making sense because I'm not sure of where this is going 😅 but with the left ring finger being associated with engagements and weddings getting rind of the last piece of the other's soul through that finger could be akin to throwing away your wedding ring (the divorce era is real) but maybe they've rotten my brain a bit too much

In any case I'm looking forward to any thoughts you have on this chapter (and thank you for reading my ramblings) <3

Hi there anon!

I love your thought process and the fact that you remembered that! It would be extremely fitting (even if far-fetched for those who are not as insane as we are) because they just big sigh. They just have to act like that and be that way lol. I wouldn't put it past our dear author who delivered a lot on sukuita week no less (that is still some crazy coincidence) to again make something about them both. If not the finger, then the soul connection, if not that then something else. Like Gege definitely didn't need to write Yuuji chasing after his inner demon and spending time with him (hell, saying he was frantic and wanting Sukuna to indulge him), especially not when that same demon is someone who continually kept ruining his life and took the very person Yuuji confessed he feels lonely without, but here we are.

I'm waiting for the official chapter to drop so I can really get the whole picture since leaks are just a tiny piece. Shipping aside, I don't know what to make of that panel with Sukuna's finger. jjk is pretty close to ending now and hence, I am skeptical. I really wish for there to be another arc after Shinjuku because it feels very off to me to end everything in like two more chapters. I'm hoping for more because it still feels like there's more left. Maybe I'm just insane and will be missing this manga a lot which is why I'm sensing that, idk.

Divorce arc has never been realer now and it's lowkey slightly painful to me since Yuuji wanted a compromise. What's very fucking funny still is that Yuuji reached out to him, first and foremost, realized he can't affect him (that sad look in his eyes) and then switched back to his usual response. Meanwhile Sukuna's still pretending he doesn't care even though he indulged Yuuji and spent nearly an entire day with him before he finally snapped when he realized Yuuji was sad about him lol. Still, the vehement anger Sukuna feels is keeping me rather well fed because Sukuna has no business being so against Yuuji saving Megumi. Like why?? He had no trouble being patient and even explaining his viewpoint when Yuuji DE-ed them away and talked about himself, but then the second Yuuji mentioned saving Fushiguro, he's shaking with rage and promising to kill everyone Yuuji loves.

Chapter 265 is literally:

yuuji: spend some time with me

sukuna: ok

yuuji: so here's what i realized

sukuna: why are you telling this to me oh my god i don't care like i understand your point but i don't feel anyth—

yuuji: i want to save fushiguro

sukuna: 😡🤬😡🤬😠😠🤬😡🤬😡😠🤬 (that wasn't meant for me?!?!?!?!)

I am also brain rotting hard about everything. 266 fueled my brain and filled it with one-sided sukuita fic ideas which are just peak angst and I live for angst so yeah. I'll have to get to writing soon because I have a lot of ideas for these two (the writers block is keeping me away from that, as is my slightly limited english vocabulary and real life unfortunately).

Thank you for sending this ask, anon, and also thank you for listening to me ramble about these two as well! <3 I'm more than happy to discuss these two for eternity because they just make me insane.

#melanswers #sukuita

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madhatterbri · 9 months

Text

Always Be You | HOOK

Summary: Gangster Tyler 'Hook' Senerchia helps you out of a police raid at a speakeasy. Set in the 1920s-1930s prohibition era.

@99hook

Hook Masterlist

In the dimly lit back alley of 1920s New York, the air was thick with a mix of jazz and cigarette smoke. The entrance to the underground speakeasy was guarded by a burly doorman, letting in only those who knew the secret password.

The speakeasy was regularly filled with men and women looking for a good time. From men trying to unwind from the family and their job to women looking to make a few extra bucks, times were fun at Toni's Tipsy Speakeasy.

Many things were overlooked at the establishment, but the most notable involved you. Despite the reward they could get for reporting you, no one wanted to risk their lives.

On one of your adventures to the speakeasy, you managed to catch the eye of HOOK. The man known throughout New York City for his upper hook punches. You knew his identity immediately from all the wanted posters across the city. Despite the danger, you had to have him.

The attraction was like a moth to a flame. Your visits to Timeless Toni's started to pick up to a couple of times a week. Long nights spent getting to know each other. Thoughts of him started to consume your life, and you hoped you wouldn't get burned.

"What are you thinking about, sugar?" HOOK asked while running his thumb down your lip. You looked into his eyes. The same ones with the devilish glint that drew you in.

"You," you answered and kissed him once more. His thumb drew random shapes on your shoulder. He held you close to him as he deepened the kiss. He leaned his forehead against you. "It will always be you,"

A loud bang came from the speakeasy entrance. HOOK stood up immediately, watching as police pushed their way in. The jazz band stopped playing. The patrons started to realize this was a raid.

The chief of police scanned the place. He ordered his men to round up the customers inside and destroy any contraband. Men and women struggled against the officers. HOOK knew he had to get you out of there.

"We gotta go, sugar," he informed you and grabbed your hand. His fingers laced into yours. You followed after him, pushing past the panicking patrons. "Almost there,"

"Oh no, you don't," a man yelled and grabbed your hand. He pulled you back towards him. You screamed in shock and slipped out of Tyler's grip. Despite resisting, the man had a firm hold of your hand.

"What's your name?" The officer asked. His hand gripped your arm roughly enough to leave a bruise. You struggled against him. Tears pooled in your eyes. He couldn't possibly leave you at the mercy of the police. They were known to rough up the women to make them talk. You didn't answer him. "Doesn't matter. I saw who you were with, lass. Hope you feel like talking, or it will be a bad night for you,"

"She ain't gonna be talking much to you coppers," HOOK spoke once he appeared before him. With a balled up fist, he punched him, knocking the man unconscious. The man's grip loosened from your arm before he fell to the ground with a thud.

HOOK grabbed your hand and led you to a curtain. He pushed the curtain aside and opened the door for you. You slipped inside and waited for him to lead the way.

Silence filled the labyrinth of secret passageways from Timeless Toni's speakeasy. Something was bothering him. You could feel it. He was normally not much of a talker, but his face showed he was upset.

"We are here," HOOK informed you and opened a door. You walked out to a street and sighed in relief. The block wasn't far from your apartment.

"I'm sorry about tonight. Not all my nights end like this, but most can get violent. This is the kind of life I live, and if you don't want to be a part of it, I understand,"

"It will always be you," you assured and kissed him.

#fanfiction #hook #aew hook #hook aew #hook x y/n #hook x you #hook x reader

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yurnu · 3 months

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YES YES! Thank you for listing my other reasons of not liking the show!

Another issues I have is one. How is the show going to handle lilith as a whole. And what religion they are going with, because in one, she actually r@ped adam. It wild how much you can find with one Google search.

Also, the characters all look the same, especially the boys. They all share the same bow ties and shoulder pads even though mainly all their time periods didn't have those in fashion. And the girl characters just looked blank like something missing like charlie. If I didn't know about the show, someone showed me a picture of charlie and said she was a manager at a hotel. I would believe them, but if they mentioned she was a princess, I would probably think they were joking.

And I thought of this idea instead of all the songs being pop genre. They could've bought in other song elements/types into the show, like having alastor have a jazzy type song or something that would be popular in his time period.

Now, lucifer as a whole. I think we all should agree that Adam anger is valid. Imagine you chilling in a wonderful place, with no worries, then an angel steals your first wife, but doesn't stop there, no proceed to steal your second one. In the progress, kicking you out of the home you ever known and doom the earth as a whole. Now, years later, his daughter is coming up to you saying things like, "sinners are her people; and deserve to be in heaven." When it shown none of the sinners regret a thing they have done while living their life, and only regret their decisions because they all ended up in place they all deserved.

Lastly, I feel bad for the victims who have to be forced to be living with their killer or etc. If their killer or etc, it is redeemed. Like you are supposed to be happy to live with the monster (that ruined your earth's life) in the afterlife?

There are many things that are said about Lilith. One is that she is the reason why Asmodeus exists after having raped Adam, another is that she delights in the pain of pregnant women and it is she who provokes her during childbirth, it is also said that she is the mother of demons because they use her as a sex toy.

She is not very empowering, as many want to make her look.

God, the fashion sense on that Show is horrible. ALL the fucking characters wear suits with shoulder pads, bow ties and hats (except for the female characters, whose clothes vary, Valentino who looks the part, and Adam who wears a tunic) it's so unoriginal why don't they have Angel Dust dress like a prostitute? If that's what her job as a porn star in hell is all about.

But hey, it's not like I know about fashion from other eras But could they vary? For crying out loud.

Obviously Adam's hatred is more than justified, if you know at least the basics of the bible, old or new testament you will obviously support Adam.

And that must be a bummer. You die because of a bad motherfucker, spend the best years of your life in heaven only to one day have that same motherfucker, who was in hell, suddenly show up in heaven because he supposedly "repented" for his actions and comes up to you and says "Hi! Remember the day I tortured you to death? I realized that was so wrong, sorry about that."

Yes... It would give me a stroke.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel fandom #hazbin hotel adam #hazbin adam #adam hazbin hotel

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pablogavisgirl · 1 year

Text

Broken Love

read part five ➸ here

"Te amo." Gavi blurrted out. (I love you.)

"Que?" (What?) You were well aware, of what he said. Two months ago you would have been over the moon to hear those words come out of his mouth, but now you felt nothing.

You felt numb, staring at his eyes. The same eyes that once gave you butterflies, now made you feel nothing.

"Te amo." (I love you.)

"Para." You said. (Stop.)

"No, Y/n, Te amo, y sí, me llevó mucho tiempo darme cuenta, pero cuando vi esas fotos tuyas y de Pedri-" (No, Y/n, I love you and it took me a long time to realize it, but when I saw the pictures of you and Pedri-)

"Que? ¿Qué fotos?" You asked.

"Las fotos de los dos en la playa". (The photos of you two on the beach) He replied, "No se mostró tu cara, pero vamos, hemos sido mejores amigos desde que nací, sé cómo te ves, sabía que eras tú cuando vi las fotos". (Your face wasn't shown but come on we've been best friends since birth I know what you look like I knew it was you when I saw the pictures.)

"Y joder, me dolió, porque te amo y siento haber tardado tanto en darme cuenta, pero.-" (And fuck, didnit hurt, because I love you and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize but-.)

"Pablo, Por favor, para". (Pablo please stop.) You whispered, "Si solo dices esto por celos, no es agradable". (If you're just saying this because you're jealous, its not nice.) you whispered.

"Lo digo porque es la verdad". (I'm saying this, because its the truth.) He said grabbing your hands guiding you inside your apartment, closing the door behind him.

"No." You choked out sinking into your couch. "No."

"Si, te amo, por favor mirame". He pulled you closer, trying to get you to look up at him.

"Estás siendo malo, Pablo, no juegas con los sentimientos de la gente". (You're being mean, stop Pablo, you don't play with people's feelings.)

"Dijiste que no me amaba, dijiste que solo somos amigos, dejaste de tratar de contactarme, te rendiste". (You said you didn't love me, you said we we're only friends, you stopped trying to reach me you gave up.)You began to ramble all your surpressed feelings coming out.

"Me di por vencido porque no estabas respondiendo a ninguna de mis llamadas o mensajes, no abriste la puerta cuando llamé, pero eso no significa que no te ame, nena por favor, dime que aun mi amas." He begged, his voice slightly cracking. ("I gave up because you weren't answering any of my calls or messages you didn't open the door when I knocked, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. Please tell me you still love me.)

"Pablo te tengo que decir algo..." (Pablo...i have to tell you something...)You whispered not daring to look at him in the eyes. You couldn't look at his face when you broke it to him.

"¡Chica, tienes que empezar a cerrar la puerta con llave! Nunca se sabe quién podría entrar, siento haber tardado tanto, ¡pero bueno, traje pizza!" Isabella's voice ringing throught the apartment. ("Girl you have to start locking your door! You never know who could come in, sorry I took so long but hey I brought pizza!")

"¡Chica! ¿Onta-" Isabella's words stopped as she entered the living room, staring at both you and Gavi.

"Oh, lo siento, no sabía que ibas a hablar con él hoy" She said, slowly backing away an awkward smile plastered on her face. (Oh i'm sorry I didn't known you were going to talk to him today.)

"¿Quieres la pizza?" (Do you want the Pizza?) She said trying to difuse the tension,

"Isa."

"¿Qué? Puedes cortar la tensión con un cuchillo, pero si no quieres la pizza, me la llevo" She laughed. (What? You can cut the tension with a knife, but if you don't want it I'll take it)

"Isabella." You said giving her a stern look, that now was not the time for jokes.

"Ok, vale, sé que cuando no me quieran me iré , y estoy cerrando tu puerta ya que me preocupo por ti y te amo y no quiero que te secuestren". She yelled from the hallway hearing the door click. (Ok ok I know when I'm not wanted I'll be going now, and I'm locking your door since I care about you and love you and don't want you to get kidnapped.)

Gavi laughed at you rolling your eyes, "¿Tenías que decirme algo?". (You had to tell me something?)

Your face dropped, "Si." (Yes)

You bit your tongue, how exactly were you supposed to tell your bestfriend that you're supposed to be in love with that you kiss his bestfriend twice?

"Tu silencio me está asustando." Pablo spoke. You looked into his eyes, they were so pure and innocent, you couldn't tell him, it would destroy him.

"Lo siento". You brought your head down to your hands. (I'm sorry.)

"Hice algo malo, no debería haber dejado que sucediera". You said not daring to come out of the comfort of your hands that were hiding you from his gaze. (I did something bad, I shouldn't have let it happen.)

"Joder Pablo, lo siento." (fuck Pablo I'm sorry.)

"Que paso nena?" He asked growing worried. (what happened?) "Háblame, sabes que puedes decirme cualquier cosa". (talk to me you know you can tell me anything)

"Me vas a odiar". You said bringing your head up to face him, light tears rolling down your cheeks. (You're going to hate me.)

"Nunca puedo odiarte". He said, wiping off your tears. (I could never hate you.)

You took deep breaths, trying to calm yourseld down. Why was this so hard to say? Why was this tearing you apart so much?

You looked into his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes. "Pedri y yo...nos hemos besado dos veces". (Pedri and I...we've kissed twice.) You closed your eyes, not daring to look at his.

He felt his heart drop. Maybe he heard you wrong?

"¿Qué dijiste?" He asked his voice trembling scared for your answer. You lifted your head up staring at him. (What did you say?)

"Pedri y yo nos besamos... dos veces." You repeated, this time he closed his eyes. Not daring to open them, he was scared that once he looked at you he would break.

The silence was eating you up, he just kept his eyes closed. His leg began to bounce from the nerves, the anxiety he was getting.

"Estás mintiendo". He mumbled, his voice cracking. His two bestfriends, the two people closest to him betrayed him.

But could he be mad at you? Of course not, he broke your heart, he denied your feelings, he broke you in any way shape or form.

And Pedri? He was there to fix what he broke. He put you back together, he was the light at the end of a dark tunnel for you. A dark tunnel that Gavi caused.

He was stupid, he truly was, if he would have realized sooner, if he would have realized sooner that he loved you this could have been avoided.

The heartbreak he put you through the heartbreak he's currently going through could have been avoided.

"Dijiste que me amabas." He choked out, staring at the wall. (You said you loved me.)

"Y lo hago, pero también me gusta Pedri" You admitted hesitant, "No era mi intención enamorarm de él, pero él estaba ahí para mí y.-" (And I do, but I like Pedri. It wasn't my intention to fall for him, he was just always there for me and-)

"Para. No quiero oír más". He was mad, mad at himself. He didn't want to hear how you fell for his bestfriend. And it was his fault that you did. (Stop. I don't want to hear anymore.)

He was to blame.

But he's just a dumb kid, an eighteen year old kid that doesn't know how to to cope with his feelings in the right way.

And now he was paying the consequences.

"Lo siento, de verdad." You sighed. His eyes never meeting yours, "Pablo te amo pero-" (I'm sorry, I really am. Pablo I love you but-)

"Si me hubieras amado, no lo habrías besado". He stood up, walking out of your apartment. The instant flashbacks of the last time he was at your apartment came rushing back. (If you loved me you wouldn't have kissed him.)

The hurt, the pain, the betrayal you felt, instead this time it wasn't you who was feeling it. It was him.

This time it was you feeling what he felt two months ago. Guilt.

Now you wish you would have kept the pizza Isabella bought to give you comfort right now.

Gavi was known for having a bad temper on the field, at training he was more on the calmer side.

But today the rage he felt on the field during a match was taking over him. Everytime he saw Pedri he clenched his jaw, bit his tounge, balled his fist up anything to prevent himself from exploding on him.

Pedri on the other hand was calm, he wasn't aware that Gavi knew. The fact that he could act like nothing happened between him and Y/n and still look Gavi in the eye and pretend to be his bestfriend was sickening.

Every chance he would get he would let his teenage hormones get the best of him and shove Pedri. Hard. Enough for him to realize something was wrong. But not enough for him to realize that Gavi knew.

They had split up into teams, about to play a mini scrimmage. Gavi and Pedri on opposing sides.

The match started off easy, Gavi using this as a way to distract himself to get his anger out.

Fútbol was Gavi's safe place, it made him feel happy, safe, and protected. It might sound dumb to an average person but this was his life. This is something he gets lost in so easily. It's an escape from reality, and that's exactly what he needed right now.

The peace didn't last long however, Pedri stole the ball from him, laughing while he was jogging away with it, "¡Vamos, hermano!". (Come on brother!)

That was what set him off, that was what brought the rage back. It was stupid but at the time it justified what he was feeling, betrayal.

He took off after Pedri, diving for the ball making Pedri loose his balance and go rolling over the field.

Pablo stared as the other players went to see if an aching Pedri was ok. He felt satisfied. He felt satisfied seeing his bestfriend clutch his ankle in pain.

He didn't feel sad, he didn't feel bad, he didn't feel remorse. He felt good, so good in fact he let out a laugh.

A limping Pedri, shooting his head to turn back when he heard the laugh. "¿Cuál es tu problema?" Pedri shouted, limping over. (Whats your problem?)

"Tu." He blurted out catching the attention of the players and coaches. (You.)

"Que?" Pedri laughed confused. (What?)

"Sé lo que hiciste". He raised his voice. (I know what you did.)

"¿Qué hice?" Pedri laughed confused. (What did I do?)

"No te actúes como un tonto, la besaste dos veces". He yelled in frustration, everytime he thought about his lips on yours it set a fire off on him.

"¿Cómo lo sabes?" Pedri asked his eyes going wide. (How do you know?)

¿Qué te parece? Ella me lo dijo. ¿Cómo pudiste hacerme esto?" Gavi stepped closer to Pedri. (How do you think? She told me. How could you do this to me?)

"No te hice nada. Te lo hiciste a ti mismo". He spat limping towards Gavi. "Le rompiste el corazón, ¿crees que se iba a sentar y esperarte? No, ella tiene derecho a seguir adelante." (I didn't do shit to you. You did it to yourself, You broke her heart, you think she was just going to sit and wait for you? No she has the right to move on)

"Pero, ¿por qué tenías que ser tú? ¿Por qué tuviste que besarla?" He yelled. ("But why did it have to be you? Why did you have to kiss her?")

"Ni siquiera me jodas, ella me devolvió el beso". Pedri said. Gavi and Pedri were face to face the anger being radiated off of them was crazy. (Don't even fucking she kissed me back.)

Gavi snapped, he grabbed Pedri by the collar, "Cállate, joder". His voice rose. (Shut the fuck up.)

¿Qué? Es verdad, hermano, y joder, le gustó, No me estaba deteniendo ni siquiera cuando empecé a besarle el cuello". Pedri laughed. (What? It's true brother, and fuck did she like it she wasn't stoping me even when i started kissing her neck.)

"¡Eres un hijo de puta!" (You son of a bitch!) Gavi screamed his anger taking over him, his fist collided with Pedri's face. Pedri stumbling back falling loosing his balance from his ankle being swollen.

Gavi being pulled away by Ferran and Ansu, he wasn't done he was no were near done. He wanted to beat the crap out of him, he wanted all his anger to unleash on him.

Gavi was being yelled at by Pedri profanities being heard, Xavi yelling at both of his star players threatening them that they won't be able to play if they keep acting liks this.

But Gavi didn't care, he felt good about punching Pedri, fucking his ankle up. He let out a smile anger seeping out of it.

He wasn't sorry. He was anything but sorry.

His friendship was already ruined, he couldn't care less.

#gavi barcelona #pablo gavi #pablo martín páez gavira #pedri gonzalez #pedri #pedri barça #pedri/gavi

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