#((fucking lyme. seriously y’all

[61below]

[dumbcountrylyrics-blog]

first things first, my friend the febreze queen has some thoughts about brad paisley’s fucking tick fetish. “vampires are sexy and they suck blood and ticks are just like vampires but they do it with this giant phallic tube thing so really they’re just like vampires but sexier, amirite? and I mean also their whole thing is about getting all engorged with blood and swelling up so you like totally have that thing too. i mean face it. ticks are sexy, sexy beasts.” yes but then again they also look like fucking ticks which rhymes with pricks which is what they fucking are. and also LYME DISEASE seriously what don’t you people get about this. i’m giving my friend a chance to redeem herself with a guest spot next week, but there may be no coming back from this fucking travesty.

speaking of fucking travesties, here’s florida georgia line, who blatantly ignore many, many perfectly good expressions in favor of making up their own really, really dumb ones. incidentally, the internet seems to have no consensus on accurate lyrics, which really doesn’t matter because all variations are terrible and all we can do is despair. let’s break it down:

1) “The week was long/But now it's gone/The drink is on” - the drink is on? it’s not a goddamn light switch guys. you sound like that one girl in mean girls who kept trying to make fetch happen, only this sounds stupider than fetch. this sounds like something some dumb frat boys would say while high fiving each other and destroying their livers. not so fetch, guys.

2) “Float your trouble like a champagne bubble” - i’ve heard a wide variety of dumb, meaningless shit in my life, so congrats on finding something new! since when does trouble fucking float? near as i can tell, sounds like you’re saying that trouble’s gonna bubble up to the surface, which i don’t think is the vibe you were going for, dumbasses. also, have you done the scientific studies to determine the density of trouble? you have no goddamn idea if it would float or sink, do you? you’re just playing fucking reckless with your damn masses over your damn volumes, huh? this is why we cannot have nice goddamn things.

3) “two bottles of Bud" - serious question, why is country music so obsessed with budweiser? i mean i’m not one to judge what people drink, unless they're that shithead justin moore calling things umbrella drinks, but like, budweiser is not all that.

4) “just bumpin' the night” - is this a play on “what goes bump in the night?” i’m all about puns and plays on words and shit but i don’t think we’re going for spooky overtones here. also, i get that bumpin’ can be a term for gettin’ it on and all that jazz, but like, bumpin’ the night sounds like you’re getting it on with the night. which sounds metal as fuck but this ain’t metal baby.

5) “Two crazy hearts looking in the dark for a place to park” - ain’t this the country? pull off your dirt road wherever the hell you want. looking for a place to park is not a problem y’all are supposed to have.

6) “The night is young/The night is free/And so are we” - did the night just finish serving time or something?

7) “So let it out and let me step inside your dream/Lipstick all along/Next sipping starlight on the window dripping down/Off in the distance the lights of town/Can't you see it now?” - is this…is this a coherent thought of any kind? think y’all need to lay off your budweiser. it’s like we’re doing word association or something, which would be a cool songwriting technique if i thought you numbskulls were doing it deliberately.