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itisannak · 5 years

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Birthday Twins (Calum Hood Fluff)

Summary: Upon meeting her boyfriend’s family, (Y/N) discovers that his sister and her share more than she could imagine. (Request) (Words: 2k)

"They are going to hate me." I state, mind fixed on the worst-case scenario no matter how hard my roommate is trying to assure me otherwise. "They are not going to hate you. You are the most lovable person ever. Plus, their son seems to be the happiest ever since you got together, so they are going to adore you, like everyone else who has met you. "Ok, but what if they do? I can't go... I'll tell Calum I got sick." I panic and she sighs. "Ok, I know for sure that you are not going to make a good impression if you don't show up. And I know for sure that Calum won't buy it. He stayed here last night until 4 in the morning, when exactly did you get sick?" She asks, looking at me with irony. "In the morning. I really can't go. I will die of anxiety there." I sigh, flopping on the bed. "You will be just fine. His parents aren't monsters, they are normal people. And I think that Calum has already talked to them about how great you are, you beautiful and smart and so fucking talented it hurts." She rolls her eyes at me. "If I didn't know you are with Kaia, I would of think you are having a crush on me based on what you've just said." I joke, punching her shoulder softly. "Well, those were Calum's words. That one time you were both drunk and I had to take care of both of you. He kept on mumbling about you while I helped him to bed. He has already charmed them on your behalf, you just have to go and give them a visual of all the things they've heard. So, please, go. I will have my phone on and ready to calm you through texts... Only in the case of an emergency. Leave, or you'll be late." She pulls me up, shoving me out of the room. She hands me my phone and purse, looking at me with arched eyebrows so I know she is being serious. "Fine. If this goes horrible, it is on you." I threaten her and she chuckles. "But if it goes well, I call dibs on being your firstborn's godmother." She replies, tilting her head to the side. "Oh, we are rushing I see." I raise my hands in surrender. "I said I call dibs." She repeats, opening the door for me.

I park my car on the driveway, taking a moment to calm myself down before I enter the house. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to reverse all the what-ifs in my head; what if they love me, what if they think I am the greatest, what if they think of me as their son does... I feel my body relax, heart slowing down to normal rates. I got this... I think...

I walk through the little gate in the backyard, knowing that I will find them there; it is such a nice day for Calum to stay in. I am greeted by Duke who runs happily to me, whimpering so I will pet him. Following right behind, Calum smiles brightly, cheeks popping and dimples making their appearances a few inches from his mouth. "You came." He cheers, opening his arms and embracing me to his body. "Almost didn't. Mia convinced me to..." I sigh, wrapping my arms around his body. "Are you nervous?" He asks me, pulling a little back and bringing his thumbs to stroke my cheeks. His cologne still lingers, tickling my nostrils and making me feel at ease. "Shouldn't I?" I ask and he shakes his head in denial. "You really shouldn't. They already adore the air you breathe... They see that you make me happy and I have honestly talked their ears off telling them all about you. Plus, you look so cute in your little floral dress. You will have them wrapped around your finger at hello." He assures me, leaning in for a kiss.

"That must be the infamous (Y/N). It is so good to finally put a face on the legend." Mali cheers, walking towards us. I was expecting my heart to be jumping out of my chest, but she is so calm and soft that I find her aura calming. "That must be me. It is so nice to finally meet you. I have heard so much about you." I am in literal awe of her, Calum talks so greatly of her that I have developed a worship-like admiration for her. "Nice things, I hope." She turns to Calum, eyeing him a little. "All great things, I assure you." I giggle at how Calum tenses back as she scans him. She lets out a chuckle as she walks to me, hugging me softly. "Wanna go meet the rest of the gang? We were all waiting for you..." Mali says, pointing to the table where their parents are sitting; I can see his father craning his neck towards us, waiting for the moment we will walk over. "Sure..." I mumble, breathing in and fixing my posture. Calum gives me a soft smile, taking my hand in his; he tangles our fingers together, squeezing my hand to let me know he is there for me. Instinctively, my head falls to his shoulder, resting there as we walk to the table, both of his parents standing up to greet me the moment we reach it.

"Ah, the lovely (Y/N). We have heard so much about you." Calum's mom is the first to talk. I extend my hand to shake hers, leaving Calum's free. "I have heard so much about you as well. I have to admit, I am so nervous now that I am meeting you in real life." I chatter nervously, making Joy smile sweetly at me. "No reason, love. We don't eat people, do we now?" David asks me, giggling softly. Calum smirks at me, shrugging his shoulders as he tilts his head to the side. "I have been telling you, love." He pulls my chair out for me, prompting me to sit down. "To be honest, he did tell me that... I have just heard so much about you, and I have been admiring you for raising such an amazing man for so long that I really feel like I am meeting legends right now." I explain, fixing my posture. "This is so lovely for you to say. We raised amazing kids, they've turned out amazing." Joy reaches to stroke Mali's hand, bringing a wholesome smile on my face. "Calum has told us you are a musician as well." David turns to me, looking excitedly. "I am a singer, yeah." I smile as Calum serves some food. "Like our Mali." Joy cheers and I nod. "Yes, actually. I also do more indie songs and write my own lyrics, and to be honest, Mali is my number one inspiration." I explain, earning a coo from Mali. "I joke all the time that she is dating me just to meet Mali. I can't even count all the times we've listened to Sorry while in the car." Calum laughs softly; I gasp and turn to him, glaring with my eyes wide open. "Don't out me like that... But yes, I went through huge fangirl phases when Sorry was released." I look at Mali who smiles brightly. "I am so glad you loved it. And to be transparent with you, I've looked you up and I have to admit, you sound like an angel. You are mesmerizing." Mali compliments me, causing my heart to speed up and heat rise to my face.

"How did you two meet?" Joy asks Calum and me, making me smirk and let him do the talking. "I went for a drink at one of the bars she was singing at. I wasn't even paying attention to the stage until I heard her sing and I felt like I was in heaven. And that was it, I just had to go meet her after her set..." "So, imagine my surprise when one of the most iconic bassists and singers of my generation, if not of all time, walked in the backroom to compliment me for my singing. I think I literally gawk at him for a good minute." I complete, placing my hand on top of his. He smiles at me, leaning in to place a kiss on my forehead. "Did you ask her out that night?" David asks him. I giggle, knowing the answer to the question. "No, I chickened out. I didn't even ask her name that night. I walked out of the room and got back to the bar and I remembered I knew nothing about her, other than the fact that her voice sounds like an angel. I went back to ask more about her but she was gone. So I begged the bartender to tell me her name and then found her on Instagram and saw when she was having a show. I went there, 3 hours before the show and saw her during soundcheck. And waited until the minute she got off stage to go talk to her." "I didn't even take 2 steps off the stage when he asked me if I wanted to go grab a bite with him. And obviously, I said yes, and the rest is history." I sigh, smiling at the reminiscence of our early days. "Uh, so lovely. Like a movie." Joy chuckles and I feel my cheeks turn red. "Yeah, mom, you think it is like a movie... I was giving off real creeper vibes." He giggles and I bite my lip, laughing at the remark. "You were the least creepy of all the creepy dudes that had hit on me after a show." I state, stroking my fingers through his locks. "If that isn't true romance, I don't know what it is." Mali teases us. "I forgot to ask you, love. How old are you?" Joy asks. "Mom!" Calum protests. "It's alright, hon. She didn't ask me anything bad." I smile at him, placing my hand on his soothingly. "I am turning 23 in May." I reply. "Oh, we share the same birthday month. When in May?" Mali asks excitedly, pushing Calum back so she can look at me. "On the 19th. When is yours?" I ask, sharing the same excitement as her. "On the 19th as well. Oh God, we are like birthday twins." Mali says cheerfully, eyes sparkling with excitement. "Why didn't you tell me we share birthday with your sister?" I ask Calum who looks just a tiny bit frightened by our reaction. "I didn't make the connection, jeez." He mumbles, making everyone burst out in laughter. "Well, we will have to celebrate our birthday together this year." Mali suggests and I squeal. "Absolutely yes. I don't even mind flying to London for that party." I giggle, clapping my hands excitedly.

(Calum's POV) "It was a lovely meal. Thank you, son." My dad states as we finish off our food. "You are welcome, dad. Anyone want coffee?" I ask, everyone nodding at me. "Let me help." My dad offers, getting up from his chair.

We walk inside the kitchen, leaving the girls to their conversation. I start the coffee maker, taking in the aroma as I stare outside the window, watching the 3 women laugh at something. I smile, relieved that my family seems to adore (Y/N) and seeing her for the amazing person she is. "She is the one, huh?" My father asks, patting my shoulder. "What?" I ask, altering my attention to him. "I asked, she is the one, huh?" He asks again, chuckling at me. "I really think so, dad." I state, scratching the back of my head as I look at my mom, sister, and girlfriend talk, with not a trace of awkwardness. "She is a good woman, son. I know one when I see one." He joins me in staring at the ladies while waiting for the coffee to brew.

My Masterlist

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shitihaveheardatwork · 4 years

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See You In Hell, Bratz Passion 4 Fashion: Diamondz!

Contrary to the opinions of many of my peers, I think weeding is awesome and I love it. There’s little I find more satisfying than an item of obviously low quality with no demand whatsoever coming into my attention and having the privilege of removing it from circulation.

Just to be entirely clear, we’re not talking about “extreme” or “controversial” content. I’ve had that conversation done to death a thousand classroom-polarizing times before. We’re talking about cheap. We’re talking about cash-grab. We’re talking about no artistic, cultural, spiritual, or even material value.

We’re talking about Bratz Passion 4 Fashion; Diamondz.

Some personal history first: I’m old enough that my last big toy phase before I reached the special level of adolescence where you have to openly condemn everything you once held dear as a child was Bionicles. I had the black bionicle from every generation up until that point, as well as a complete set of those little rolly-polly guys with the stretchy necks. I don’t know what they were called and I couldn’t be bothered to look it up for this lil micro-essay here.

What’s important is that they were cool. They did action-y stuff, I felt smart putting them together.

Waaaay Cooler, Smarter, Action-y, and REAL than my sister’s interests! Polly Pocket? Dumb! Pre-bronification MLP? Barf! Bratz? How fake can you get? Those were just shallow pieces of plastic made by toy companies. Not like my precious bionicles. So cool. So adult. So smart.

Then I watched the first Bionicle movie when it was on TV and realized I too was a cog in an elaborate toy commercial scheme. Something clicked in my horny mushy pre-teen brain, and I put away all my old favorite toys forever. It was now time to be shitty and elitist about intangible concepts instead, a hobby I’d keep until my early 20′s. But in addition to a change in hobbies, I also started to be a little bit less shit to my sister about her toys.

This confession out of the way, I don’t think my sister would have stopped me from throwing this DVD directly into the trash. My sister didn’t become a high-fallutin’ working-class intelligentsia asshole like her big brother, and we have nothing comparable in terms of media taste, but I think she would support me 100% if I told her I sent this DVD straight to hell. In fact I might call her later just to confirm. This disk was bad, is the moral of my story.

It took six paragraphs, but let’s talk about Day 3 on the job!

It was just me and Lisa today. I’ve upgraded from liking Lisa to absolutely loving working with Lisa. We talked everything from how her kids are doing to politics (she brought up Tr#mps latest satire-destroying phone call) to video-gaming to the history of animation. I genuinely like talking to her and it’s a shame she’s just filling in. If a job opens up at her branch, I’d apply for it, no question.

My boss Wallace, “Yer dad”-level queerphobe and Ron Swanson-esque libertarian, was putting out a metaphorical fire at another branch and I didn’t have to deal with him at all.

I did my opening routine. Checking the drop box, collecting the pull list, putting together holds, refiling returned materials, preparing ILL material, checking my work email, and the like. I was done with it all in about 90 minutes, with 4 hours left to go on my shift.

Wallace had told me to fill the time with anything I can qualify as “professional development” the week before, so I spent some time reading articles on the ALA website and googling “anarcho-librarianism” just to see what would happen. I found an abandoned blog and a twitter.

Then I remembered oh shit. I have to make a twitter don’t I

I don’t like twitter. I’ve tried to use it. I don’t get it. I’m too old to learn a new app. It’s impossible.

And yet I must. That’s where The Discourse is happening. That’s where the minds in my field are saying things. If I’m taking my career seriously, if I want to get a grip on the currents in my profession, I have to bite that checkmarked bullet. Stand by for updates on my professional twitter.

I got bored of being on the ALA site and ran out of productive things to google, and decided to look around the building for abandoned projects and mysteries to solve. It didn’t take long to find one, when I found a cart in the work room with a pile of DVDs in paper sleeves.

“Scratched” a post-it note on top said.

I asked Lisa if she knew how long these had been here, and she confirmed that they were in fact a hold-over from the previous staff that had left in a mass exodus some months before.

Well cool, I thought. I’ll see if these are too fucked up to play.

Commence with an hour of consuming children’s media, a few seconds of a minute at a time. I was fortunate that the work computers both had CD drives AND VLC media player! Thank you, past cool supervisor who put VLC on the work machines! Good call!

So I “watched” a few Dora The Explorers, a Care Bears film, that Trolls movie, Hotel Transylvania, and a Barbie horse adventure film, watching a few seconds before skipping a minute ahead to see if it would choke and skip.

See here’s the thing about scratched CDs. They’re weird. You can have a CD that’s fucked up completely (looking at you, my copy of Rollercoaster Tycoon 1) that still somehow plays fine like it just came out of the box. Sometimes scratches will seem totally superficial but goof up just enough microscopic binary that no machine will touch it. All these DVDs were ugly as sin, but that didn’t mean they were broken did it?

And it turns out a lot of them worked fine. That’s how I ended up watching Bratz Passion 4 Fashion: Diamondz which, unfortunately, played fine.

As I put the disk into the drive I remembered my sister’s participation in the Bratz toy craze. As an adult, a real one not the one I told myself I was at 13, I told myself that I might have a bias against this content, to just check the disk and not get judgy about what might be a kids favorite movie.

I uh... I failed to do that. BUT IT’S OK BECAUSE MY BIAS IS TOTALLY JUSTIFIED AND MY JUSTIFICATION IS RIGHT HERE

If you didn’t or don’t want to click the link, it’s a scene where the Bratz Diamonds are about to head out on some sort of fashion trucking marathon/race. Like any proper racer, the blonde at the wheel has a white-knuckle grip on the wheel, has just put their rig in gear, and in proper high-octane fashion, puts on a knowing smirk.

Except the smirk is, well... the animators just stretched the lips across the face further. I can’t do it justice, you just have to watch it, but I’ve done better animating just by pan-and-scanning around Windows Movie Maker.

This... isn’t content anybody needs. But I’m a librarian. I’m sworn to access. So the question becomes, does anyone want it?

I had to know, I had to know, how much circulation has this gotten? When was the last time this disk was in the hands of anybody at all besides me?

I popped it into Evergreen and behold: 15 check-outs since 2006 when it was released. No checkouts in the last 2 years.

I asked Lisa the proper procedure for removing something from the catalog, and in only a moment the deed was done. The case was repurposed, the disk trashed, the DVD cover recycled. It was time to go. I’d spent my remaining hours quasi-consuming children’s media.

I placed most of what I’d watched in a new pile, which I labeled “SCRATCHED BUT WORK FINE.” I placed one lone Barbie horse movie in a different pile labeled “SCRATCHED AND DOES NOT WORK.”

I felt like I’d accomplished something. I turned off the lights and I went home.

#adventures in librarianship #thisisme #work journal

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inyourwildestdreamslove · 6 years

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Fearless Chapter 2

You deal in fear…

So who else to help Klaus master his powers? Who is quite determined to set you up with his brother…

“I didn’t ask for this.”

“No one ever does darling…”

Chapter one

Diego x Reader

Chapter 2: We’ll Carry On

It has been all of a month when you look over at Klaus from your spot on the couch and say, “Why don’t you just move in? You pretty much live here anyway…”

He glances up from fighting the ball of string and over to you.

“Really?!” he asks perking up instantly.

“Sure… I have a spare room and we can implement some of those boundaries for the ghosts that we researched last week. It’ll be easier to do here since my place is way smaller than the academy.”

“Thank you!” he yells as he launches himself at you and you jump back out of surprise before you hug him back. You feel him almost snuggle against you as you just awkwardly pat him on the back.

“What’s with the sting by the way?” you ask after he had pulled himself away from you.

“I don’t...really know what to do with my hands… and my mind won’t shut off… I can’t focus for shit and all I want is a hit of something!”

“Hold on a second,” you say as you get off the couch and head downstairs to your studio that you lived above.

Klaus and Ben share a look with one another out of curiosity as they hear your footsteps coming back up the stairs. You have a package in your hand as you lightly toss it over to him.

“What’s this? Model Magic?”

“It’s modeling clay. It’s super soft and malleable. Why you don’t you see if playing with it helps? Maybe you could make something?”

“Like what?”

“Whatever you want…”

He paused for a moment to think about it before he seemed to give up.

“What do you make with it?”

“Monsters.”

“Monsters? But they are scary! I don’t want to make anything scary!”

You just laugh, “Then make a cute monster! It doesn’t have to be scary!”

Klaus stops to contemplate this concept before he rips into the package and pulls it out.

“It’s so soft!” he say in wonder as he looks at it with a bright eyed happiness you see on the faces of children.

“It’s just like Play Doh…” you say in slight confusion.

“What’s Play Doh?” he asks in distracted confusion; the clay in his hands capturing most of his attention.

“You’ve never played with Play Doh?!” you ask in bewilderment.

“No? We were only allowed to play ‘during a designated time between half past 12 and 1 on Saturdays,’” he says in a mockingly deep voice, obviously his rendition of his late father.

“Well…” you say softly, “Your childhood is obviously worse than I could even imagine.”

He just shrugs in reply and loses himself in his little creation.

It’s almost an hour later that he proudly presents you with his finished creation. And adorable little monster with tentacles sprouting from different places.

“Cute! When it dries do you want to paint it?!” you ask in excitement.

Klaus nods in excitement and carefully puts his creation down.

“So is this what you do all day? Play with clay?”

“I make monsters for the movies,” you say with a shrug.

He blinks at you for a moment, “What do you mean?”

“I’m a special effects makeup artist,” you say with a laugh. “I’m the one who turns people into monsters for the movies.”

“That’s so cool!” he exclaims as he jumps onto the couch beside of you.

“Yeah it’s one of the ways I keep on top of my powers. Bringing scary things to life outside of my head helps me deconstruct it and master it in my own way.”

“Maybe… it could help me too?”

“Maybe… you never know…”

That Sunday at the family dinner Klaus presented his monster to his siblings proudly, and although they were all very confused by his little monster, they were all very happy that he was a month clean. Even Five took a break from scowling about things to ask him about his new friend, which effectively peaked the interest of the rest of his siblings.

Which is how three days later you find yourself gazing up at a very large man.

“I’m Luther…”

“Really?”

“Yes… Really.”

“Look pal… You touch a hair on his head….”

“What? No! I really am his brother.”

“Oh… okay...the last guy that showed up pretending to be his brother tried to strangle him in my back room.”

“What? Why?”

You shrug in reply, “Klaus owed him money.”

You hear the man in front of you scoff and roll his eyes, “Figures.”

“Ok… well… fun talk. Klaus is upstairs if you want to go talk to him.”

“I actually came to meet you.”

“I see…”

“You seem normal…” he says with narrowed suspicious eyes.

“Klaus!” you yell as you turn your back on the large man before you and walk up the stairs to your apartment.

“There is a large man here! You should annoy him until he leaves!”

“It’s Luther isn’t it?” he asks as he appears at the top of the stairs in a bath towel with a pink shower cap on.

“How many large men do you know?”

“Enough…”

“What about me?” yells Luther from the bottom of the stairs.

“What about you?” you both ask as you turn towards him.

“Well…. Aren’t you going to invite me up”

You and Klaus exchange a look, “Nope…” you both mutter in unison as you walk into your apartment.

“That was mean…” you say as you plop down on the couch feeling slightly guilty.

“He’ll live…” Klaus mutters as he retreats back into the room.

It’s two days later that a teen boy just appears in your kitchen.

You turn from the coffee maker and see inquisitive eyes and school boy shorts and just hand him the coffee in your hand.

“Thanks… You’re not what Luther said you were.”

“Luther called me normal,” you say primly as you turn and pour another cup of coffee.

A smirk slides across his face, “So you are one of us.”

“Regardless of whether I was or not… I would hardly call myself normal on a good day.”

“I see…”

You just shrug nonchalantly as pour creamer into the coffee in front of you.

“Why the monsters?”

“The act of breaking your fears down and reconstructing them allows you to gain power over them. This happens in a safe and fun environment.”

He smirks and looks down into the coffee in front of him, “You do know how to help him.”

“I know what worked for me may not work for him, but we will figure it out.”

“Do you love my brother.”

“Of course I do… Ben may be on another dimensional plane but I adore him…”

“HEY!”

“You too, Klaus!”

“Thank you!”

“You’re welcome!”

“So what kind of coffee is this?”

“I get it from this coffee shop down the street, they roast their own beans. Best coffee in the city, I’ll give you the address.”

“Thank you.”

Klaus chooses that moment to walk out of his bedroom and plop down at the table.

“I approve,” Says Five as he flashes out of sight.

“Did you hear that Klaus? The Coffee Goblin approves of me!” you say happily as you take another sip of your drink.

“Coffee Goblin? Why didn’t I think of that?” he asks has he attempts to steal your own coffee, you just swat his hand away with a glare.

The hesitant knock at your door rouses you from your work. You glance over and can see a figure through the glass. You wash the clay from your hands and walk over to the door and open it to find a young woman around your age wearing a button up shirt, brown pants and tennis shoes.

“Vanya,” you say with a smile as you usher her in.

“How do you know who I am?” she asks hesitantly.

“Klaus has told me about all of his siblings! He says you play violin, tell me the next time you play and we will have to go! I love the orchestra.”

“Really?”

“Of course!”

“Oh.. okay that would be great.”

“(Y/N)! Does this skirt make me look fat?”

You look up at Klaus as he comes in the room.

“Vanya!” he exclaims holding up his cigarette, “When did you get here?”

He happily walks over to her and pulls her into a slight hug.

“Klaus we’ve talked about smoking in the house…”

“But it’s cold outside!” he whines as he plops down next to you on the couch and rests his head on your shoulder.

“He’s always been like this hasn’t he?” you ask as you glance over at Vanya.

“Yeah...pretty much…”

“Vanya! You wound me!” he exclaims dramatically.

“Cigarette out!”

“Okay! Okay! Geeze… We need to get you laid…”

“And you wonder why Ben is my favorite.”

“Drop dead…”

“Don’t talk to my child like that!”

“He’s a grown man!”

“You’re right… You’re my child…”

He throws his right hand up dramatically as he walks out to the balcony.

“How?” Vanya breaths out after a moment.

“I deal with the melodramatic for a living… You want some tea?”

“Umm… sure.”

“Great I’ll put the kettle on!”

It was a week before another Hargreeves shows up at your house. It was around ten at night and the three of you had rented a movie to watch. Sudden there is a knock on your window? All three of you turn towards the window and blink in confusion.

“OH! It’s fine it’s just Diego!”

“Does Diego have an aversion to doors?” you ask as you glance over the couch to the window.

Klaus just shrugs as he gets up to open the window and in climbs Diego.

“Diego! What are you doing here!” exclaims Klaus.

“I wanted to meet the girl that pissed Luther off,” he says with a smirk as he turns to you.

You turn towards Klaus after giving Diego the once over, “I’m not calling him Daddy no matter how many times he asks.”

Diego looks confused, “Daddy?”

While Klaus just bursts out laughing.

“Careful princess…” Diego says after a moment, sharing your wicked gleam and a smirk, “I may have to spank you.”

“Ooo...I better be a good girl then…” you say before you throw your head back with laugh.

You notice the look on Klaus’ face and you raise a brow at him. He just sends you a smirk and and wink. You roll your eyes and turn towards your new guest.

“Have you eaten? There is leftover pasta in the fridge.”

“Damn you’re going to feed me too? You can call me whatever you want then,” he says with a wink.

You laugh as you hop off of the sofa to heat up the pasta. You walk back in a few minutes later and hand him the plate. He quietly thanks you and begins to eat.

“You should just marry her Klaus!” Diego says around a mouth full of pasta.

“I agree! Let’s get married!” Klaus exclaims as he wraps his arms around you and pulls you towards him happily.

“Of course darling… we’ll do that tomorrow.”

“Yay!” he exclaims as he snuggles into you more.

You give him an affectionate smile and roll your eyes as you stroke his hair.

“Diego, if you aren’t too busy saving the general population, you should stay and watch a movie with us.”

He thinks for a moment before nodding, “Sure it would be good to relax for a night.”

The four of you end up settling in…

“Ben wants to know if we can watch that new horror movie that just came out?”

“Yeah, that’s fine with me… I’ll put it on.”

...and enjoying the night.

And that is how you met most of Klaus’ siblings.

For those of you wondering... I did not forget Allison. I just figured she would be back in LA with her daughter at this time. Don’t worry they will meet in the future! I hope you enjoyed this! Please let me know what you think!

#diego hargreeves x reader #diego hargreeves imagine #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy imagine #the umbrella academy fanfiction #klaus hargreeves #diego hargreeves #klaus x reader #friendship

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wadey-wilson · 6 years

Photo

BASIC GIF TUTORIAL (detailed)

In this tutorial, I’ll try to show you the basics of making a gif. Of course, there are many ways for that, but this is how I’ve been making them for a couple of months now, and it’s never failed.

I use Photoshop CS5 Portable (you can get it here)

for taking caps, I’m using PotPlayer (you can get it here)

Please, like / reblog if you find this useful

Videos

To make good quality gifs, you need videos with good quality. Best one for you would be 1080p, so always check if the video you want to gif is available in such quality:

I use this website to convert videos from YouTube. Select the formats to MP4 and highest quality:

Then convert, and download.

You can use videos from YT or movies you have on your computer. The movies also should be in the best quality possible. For example, this is the movie I’m gonna use for this tutorial:

You can learn about torrents somewhere else, or contact me about that. I suggest visiting YT, though, they have good tutorials for torrenting movies.

PotPlayer

After you’ve installed PotPlayer, it’ll be for the best if you add it to your taskbar or wherever else you consider it easy to click and use.

1) Open the video

In this tutorial, I’ll be working with Spider-Man: Homecoming, so I open it in the program.

2) Settings

After pressing CTRL + G, this window should show up:

Make sure your settings look like that:

Storage is where your caps will be stored. It’ll be easier when you’ll create a folder on your desktop, and then set the storage setting to it:

3) Taking caps (image capture)

Play the movie on the scene you want to gif, and pause it.

Now, click Start on the CIC window

and play the movie. Click Stop after taking the caps you need.

Your caps should be in the folder you chose in the storage setting

You can also have your movie playing and click start/stop whenever you want (if you know the movie/clip enough to know when to take caps).

Turn off PP after you’ve taken caps you need.

You can take as many caps as you want to, and then sort them into folders:

Photoshop: making frames into a gif

After you’ve installed it (search for tutorials how to properly install it, it takes unpacking and simple installing to do so; I’m more of a self-taught person and I can’t remember how I did it). Again, it’ll be easier for you to have PS in the task bar.

Open your PS,

then try to follow these steps:

[ window > animation - opens the animation window on the bottom ]

1) File > Scripts > Load multiple DICOM files > choose a file

You can give that command a keyboard shortcut.

This window shows up:

It’s important your folder with caps is on your desktop, so that the access to it is easier:

Click OK. The more caps you try to open at once, and the bigger they are (better quality), the longer it takes to open them. Don’t try to open more than 150 caps at once, it may work, but it’ll lag your PS and may even ruin a bit of your gif.

This is how it looks now:

As you can see, on my right I have specific tabs. I set them myself in the most comfortable for me way, but with time you should find your own way to set them to suit your liking. My tabs look like that:

I only use history, actions, and adjustments. Of course, there’s also a tab with layers and paragraphs (text):

2) Convert to frame animation

4) Make frames from layers

For that command, you can also set keyboard shortcuts.

result:

5) Select all frames > set the time delay

(again, you can have a shortcut for this)

Make sure all the frames are selected, then:

For almost normal speed, choose 0,05. 0,04 can make your gif a bit too fast. The bigger the number (0,06 or 0,07), the slower the gif.

7) Convert to timeline

Make sure the frames are still selected.

8) Select > similar layers

(again, you can set a shortcut for this)

9) Convert to smart object

Right click on one of the selected layers:

Choose convert to smart object. Result:

Photoshop: editing a gif

There comes the fun part. The most important thing is dimensions. Be sure to stick to tumblr width dimensions: 540px / 268-268px / 177-178-177px, depending on how many gifs per row. That way you’ll definitely get the best result when your gif is posted. Visual:

1) cutting/cropping

To crop your gif, use the crop tool.

Now, it’s important your gif has the proper size. The bigger the dimansions, the bigger the gif’s size. The maximum size you can post is 3MB. Use this bar to set your crop tool:

5x2 (make sure it says ‘cm’, not ‘px’) is what I use for 540px gifs. For the 268 gifs I use 5x3, 9x5, 11x7 or any other sizing that I think looks good. We’re gonna use the 11x7 for a 268px gif.

advice: to check if the gif looks good, click on different places in the animation bar:

2) size

image > size or Ctrl+Alt+I:

We’re making a 268px gif (width), but I’m gonna make it 230px so it won’t stretch in the post.

Ctrl + + will enlarge your view:

Make sure the thingy says “100%” so that you have the 100% accurate view of your gif.

3) sharpening

You can either experiment yourself or use actions. Search for actions that you like here, and download the action (make sure to like/reblog the post of the action maker)

Opening downloaded actions:

Choose the actions you want to load (it should be in the downloads folder).

Using/playing an action (make sure your gif is selected):

before:

after:

4) editing

This is the fun part when all you can do is to experiment. I’ll show you in parts what I do with that gif, but the fun part is when you try it, yeah?

I use these adjustments: brightness, curves, vibrance, and selective color.

After all of these, the gif looks like that:

5) Saving

Make sure the looping option says “forever”:

you can play your gif to check if it looks like you wanted:

And save the gif:

(wherever you want, preferably on your desktop)

so, before editing:

after editing:

P.S. To cut your gif after making it, you can move that thingy:

wherever you want.

P.S. 2. Clean up the mess after making gifs. Delete the caps and clean up the trash folder.

That’s basically it. Advanced gif making takes using layers, brush tools, and the eraser tool, playing with colors, and a lot of other stuff.

As you can see, it takes time, patience, energy, and having the movies you want to gif. It’s fun, but it’s a lot of work.

Have fun!

#completesources #gif making #gif tutorial #my tutorial #gifs #yeahps #photoshop #itsphotoshop #iamlouistomlinson #go through it and think another time you try to repost a gif #it takes TIME.#sorry for typos #and grammar #it's MORNING.

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missixo · 6 years

Text

St Balderich Slays the Dragon [9/19]

01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 (on tumblr)

This fic (on AO3)

Pairing: Balderich/Mondatta

Summary: The humans are right to fear omnics and what they can do. What he can and will do to humanity. He is Jörmungandr, and he will see humanity fall.

St Balderich Slays the Dragon

Chapter 8

‘What just happened there?!’

MD collapses back into his chair and puts his head in his hands. His vents are still open but he still feels on the verge of overheating. What was he thinking?

He mutters to himself, quietly repeating aloud the thought that had him all but shoving the colonel out the door. “‘I think I see the appeal the nurses were talking about…’ Appeal?! What appeal is there? He’s a fucking human!”

His processors must be on the fritz again, like the Robin Glitch. How he felt while Balde - the colonel was talking… his processors were reacting like when he’s in his alcove, how he came to feel in those forsaken shacks back in the camp. He felt safe! With a human nearly pinning him in place, he felt safe! And then he squeaked!

He swears he can still feel the colonel’s hand on his arm. Maker, if he hadn’t just had a thermometer in the man’s mouth a few minutes ago, he might’ve thought him feverish!

MD releases a quiet whine as he feels another set of vents pop open.

***

After he calms down from his mild existential crisis, he ends up calling the hospital to send three nursing aid omnics as temporary assistants before he takes the list to the colonel, with a note sent out simultaneously to the men to wait by their open doors for more information.

***

MD holds out a tablet with a list of all the Crusaders in the barracks. Balderich takes the list and reads over it with a sigh. The names aren’t in alphabetical order, which means they are in order of highest risk. To the other three residents of this hallway, “Franco, you’re on house arrest. Dietrich, Reinhardt, you two are fine.”

Franco groans and slumps back into his room while Dietrich and Reinhardt high five.

MD pipes in, “You will still need to be examined at least once a day in case symptoms develop later on, and you still may not leave the barracks until quarantine is lifted.” Now they groan.

Balderich chuckles. “You two go find something to do. Franco! Now you can catch up on all those movies you moan about missing!” Another groan answers, full of disgust and giving the impression he just said ‘fuck off’ without actually saying the words. He’ll be fine.

MD trails behind him to the rest of the men’s rooms and repeats what he told Dietrich and Reinhardt. “Whether you are or are not considered currently infected, everyone here will have to submit to daily examinations, should symptoms develop later on during quarantine.”

Balderich clears his throat and raises his voice to be heard down the length of the hallway. “If I call your name, you are confined to quarters for quarantine. Siobhan. Louis. Ferdinand. Andrea. Roderich. Henri. If you did not hear your name, you are free to roam the barracks, so long as you submit yourself to the examinations. For those of you confined, your meals will be brought to you. Understood?”

“Yes sir!”

“Dismissed.”

Balderich turns around, intent on discussing what happened in the medbay, but MD already slipped away. Sneaky little omnic.

***

MD spends the rest of the morning waiting on the nursing units, filling the time with his security feed and the occasional cat video. Did he remember to send along a note to just come to the medbay windows?

Seems he did because just around lunch there’s a quiet tapping at the glass. Three omnics wave and chirp greetings, one with four points in a horizontal line, another with one notably large point, and the third with four points in a rhombus.

MD opens the window and sticks his head out. “My assistants, I’m guessing?”

Rhombus responds first, “Yup! I’m Skimmer-12, single point over here is Jamiya, and that’s Pat. Oh, Broom says hi, and that Ozzie should be on base within the month.”

He nods to each of them in turn. “MD-8178. Come in then, we need to get things straight before I subject you to the men. They finally managed to find the part she needs?”

Pat laughs as the three nurses squeeze on the field cot. “Try just buying her a new foot! The part’s such a pain to find, so it was faster and cheaper. So the mighty Crusaders turn into children when sick? Can’t imagine.”

“It’s only day one, so they’re not too awful yet. You’ll each get access to five sets of medical records, since there are four of us, and there’s a room set aside for medics that you three can split if you don’t want to go in the public areas. A whole new foot? Really? Well, needs must; I only hope it’s the same finish as the rest of her. Can you imagine being gunmetal and walking around with a brushed-brass foot?”

The three on his cot crack up while he divvies up the files. Skimmer-12 trills in confusion when they look over their files. “Why do I have Colonel von Adler?”

“You have the most experience, I thought it prudent.” And he doesn’t want to risk a repeat of earlier if he can help it.

“Yes, but you are the unit medic. Shouldn’t you examine the unit commander?” Skimmer-12 hasn’t accessed the file yet beyond the name so he can’t use that as an excuse. Damn.

“I… suppose so, yes. Very well. Which one will you take in exchange?”

“Mmm… This one.” Franco, then.

“Very well. All exams are done for now, though I’d like to check them over again after dinner. Now, I’ll show you all where you’ll be sleeping, then you can spend the rest of the day as you please.”

He leads them to the room he still hasn’t used to sleep in and punches in the door code he skimmed from the security system. “My apologies, I forgot there’s only one bed. I can request an air mattress if that’s an issue?”

Jamiya, “Nah, sir, we’re used to sleeping on top of each other. Bed looks big enough anyway. You’re sure it’s ok for us to be in here? Looks like officers quarters.”

“I’m sure. If anyone tries to give you grief, point them to myself or the colonel; his quarters are just down the hallway. Dietrich, Franco, and Reinhardt are all on this hallway as well.” The other omnics are all looking around the room now, figuring out what space belongs to whom while they’re here. MD retreats, again, to the medbay.

#mondatta god ai #tekhartha mondatta #balderich von adler #reinhardt wilhelm #monderich

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jacobsmith321 · 5 years

Video

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This is the finished animation I call “Think before you Drink or your life is on the Brink”.

What is the animation about?

The animation focuses on a character named “Danny Jackson” (Name in reference to that of Jack Daniels which is a brand of alcohol), who is out all night drinking. Danny throughout the night has a lot to drink, even to the point of swerving and being unable to do simple tasks like opening doors. Danny had enough and decides to drive back, but the issue is he’s over the limit and when over the limit it heavily effects your driving skills, if not anything practical. Sadly he died when he crashed into a tree and flew through screen. At the end it says the slogan “Think before you Drink or your life is on the Brink”.

How was it all done?

This was done using Adobe Photoshop, and all base drawings such as the character's body, car, door and tree were traced, whilst the head and lamp where drawn were no traced. The video I used to trace over was film by me and a good friend of mine (as in, he was the actor and I was the one filming). I used Windows Movie Maker to combine and cut the clips together, but I also used Movie Maker to turn video I took of certain noises into sound files to use in my animation. The tracing technique for this animation is called “Rotoscoping”. The texture was that of one I made myself, desaturated and overlay-ed

What was the artistic appeal and concept?

The style was meant to imitate that of chalk boards used in pubs, as I felt as if it would appeal towards the idea of it relating to alcohol, but also you are learning from this video, so it’s imitating school chalk boards too. The surealness and style was also inspired by the music video “The Wolf” by SIAMES and animated bu RUDO Co.

Unintentionally, when showing off the progress of my animation, one of my tutors said it resembled an animation called “Fantasmagorie “ by a French cartoonist named “ Émile Cohl “. In an online article on Makematic.com, by Anie (7th September 2017 and the source is (https://makematic.com/blog/emile-cohl-father-of-animated-cartoon/), it’s said that this was considered the first animation, calling him “the father of the animated cartoon”. The animation had roughly 700 drawings. I never heard of this person up until now and I did not base my animation from his style, but I can see the similarities. However, I liked the old style it had, so I added a texture to resemble a chalk board, but also Fantasmagorie quite a bit.

I did not add music, and only used white noise and sound effects, to make sure that the emotions of the viewer were not swayed.

What is the symbolism of this all?

The animation is meant to reflect the problems with drunk driving in the world, but the outer shell is in the form of an animation, as this unique visual form which will be enjoyable to watch (allowing it to stick with you and stay in your head for a very long time).

The glass head shows the mind being tainted with alcohol, the more there is the strong the effect. but I also wanted a unique character design to help stick with people. The rotoscoping that traces life life movements, makes us associate it more with real life and captivates us to watch but relate to. Another reason I did not make it a normal person’s head, was because facial features don’t mean as much as body language at times, even if someone sounds ok or looks ok, the way they swerve, move and balance indicated them being ok. The ice cubes do resemble eyes, but the also act as an unbalanced headache, showing how dizzy he is.

It’s black and white (though I was going to add colour but I was recommended that maybe those 2 fit better only) to show that it’s not a grey issue. You need to control the level of alcohol you intake or what your plans are to go back and if you make the wrong decision, you could end dead or just as worse, killing someone in the process. You are responsible, simple as.

Has the message come across and did it hit?

In my personal opinion, yes it has; the message came across to me, because it’s simple and the movements and actions of the character alone (regardless of the ending words and link) convey enough about the situation. Though it doesn’t hit hard with facts or have a whole lot to give, the character is relate-able even if he looks different and his fate should be a hit towards what can happen.

The animation is perfect for all ages. It’s not too cartoonish but isn’t dull enough to skip, there’s no graphics or blood to scare children but allows adults to perfectly understand and be afraid of to a slight but measurable degree and finally, it’s memorable for all ages, as an art form’s unique and entertaining look can stick to you .

Anything to change or improve?

My detail was a bit off and I could have gone back and added more for the background and character design. At times the pacing felt a bit weird and the sounds could have had a higher quality to them.

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metalshea · 5 years

Text

A Perfectly Doomed Christmas Carol: A Reflection on A Perfect Circle Through Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”.

Reflecting on the holiday season, I’m a little surprised at myself. Maybe it’s because the lead up to Christmas was shorter here in the United States than it usually is. The Thanksgiving holiday, our historic kick off for the Christmas season, was very late this year and so in some ways it doesn’t quite feel like Christmas time, yet. And so, I have yet to watch what is easily my favorite Christmas movie, A Muppet Christmas Carol.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a TON of great Christmas movies: Die Hard (YES IT IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE—I WILL FIGHT YOU!), Elf, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, The Santa Claus, Miracle on 34th St., It’s A Wonderful Life, and, of course, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original with Boris Karloff, not that Jim Carey nonsense), but there’s something about A Christmas Carol that resonates so clearly and seems so relevant beyond the holiday season. I can’t say that about many Christmas movies.

Ok, maybe Die Hard. Yippee Kai Yay!

Maybe it’s because I share a birthday with Charles Dickens, but I really love and appreciate his writings. There is a clear moralism running his body of work that is still pertinent even today. He continuously tries to call attention to disaffected working peoples, structuralized disadvantage, and implores his readers to simultaneously feel empathy and outrage. A Christmas Carol does this as well. I won’t spend long summarizing it because, really, who hasn’t seen or read it in the English-speaking world? If you haven’t, go check out A Muppet Christmas Carol, it’s surprisingly accurate to the original text and Michael Caine plays a great Ebenezer Scrooge. Or just read the novella and prepare to be shocked at the surprisingly unsettling atmosphere of the book. What, surprised that the original is actually pretty creepy? It’s supposed to be a ghost story!

“Dude, when are you going to get to the music?”

We’re getting there, I promise!

A Christmas Carol follows Ebenezer Scrooge, a deeply flawed and emotionally insecure man who insulates himself from his insecurities by devoting himself entirely to his business. He takes an “I got mine” approach to life, disparages and ignores the outside world—often at the expense of those in his employ or influence, and in the process begins to literally damn himself. Not to mention his name is literally synonymous with miser. Scrooge’s deceased friend appears to him in spirit form and basically sets him up for a round of speed dating with 3 ghosts who show him the error of his ways by bringing him through his past, the present world around him, and the very not too distant future.

Sounds familiar, right? If you speak English, it should ring a few bells even if you haven’t read any Dickens. The literary device he uses is pretty common in Western literature because it basically invokes Dante’s Divine Comedy: the idea of a character being led by around by spirit and shown a picture of the world around them or the world that awaits them.

“Dude, now you’re shifting to Dante Alighieri?! When are you getting to the metal music??”

Right now.

Just like Dante and Dickens, Maynard James Keenan uses the same literary trope in the writing of A Perfect Circle’s, The Doomed.

Did I just blow your mind?

Before I go further, if you haven’t heard the song, you probably should. Otherwise none of this will make much sense. If you have heard it, give it another listen. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDvfbvuJtS8

When this song dropped in 2018, it immediately resonated with me because of it’s use of religious symbolism, particularly the invocation of the Beatitudes. When I started actually reading the lyrics, I realized just what Maynard did in it’s construction and started to get excited, he basically alludes not only to the Beatitudes, the Seven Deadly Sins, and the Gospels, but the narrative structure of the song alludes to Dante. This religiously-raised, English-majoring musician and metalhead in started bouncing for joy. Not only is the song pretty damn good, but it has a freaking point! Hold me, Maynard!

But it’s Christmas, dammit, so we’re going to ignore Dante for now and instead examine this through the lens of A Christmas Carol.

Truth be told, I actually think A Christmas Carol is a better lens to view the song than Dante, anyway, but I’m pretty damned sure that Maynard wasn’t even remotely considering it when he wrote The Doomed, let alone the absolutely glorious Muppet version. Alas!

Ok, let’s start with the song itself and maybe some context.

The Doomed is a damning portrayal of our current societal state. You could probably make an argument around equality or neoliberalism, Trump’s America or capitalism, or the global refugee crisis, but I don’t think it’s meant to be so narrow a commentary, and for our purposes, I’d rather focus on the religious language at play here.

The song was released in 2018 and was probably written closer to, if not in 2017. At the time there was a growing on focus on the plight of the disaffected and a growing dialogue about how people interact with others with different life experiences. There was a Huffington Post OpEd from around that time that this was likely being written titled “I Don't Know How To Explain To You That You Should Care About Other People” that sums up the broader societal dialogue quite nicely. I wonder if Maynard read it as well?

Before going too far down that particular rabbit hole, let’s actually break down the lyrics. The vocals open:

Behold a new Christ Behold the same old horde Gather at the altering New beginning, new word And the word was death And the word was without light The new beatitude "Good luck, you're on your own"

To my eyes, the song opens from the perspective of Dante’s Virgil. Or, since this is Christmas, the Ghost of Christmas Present (GCP). In my head, I picture the scene where Scrooge and the spirit stand outside the window looking into the Cratchit’s kitchen. The spirit explains to Scrooge what he is seeing, an impoverished family making the best of what they have. In Maynard’s retelling though we aren’t greeted with a touching Christmas scene, but rather a new Sermon on the Mount. In the opening lines of the song, he immediately calls to mind the Gospels of Matthew, Luke, and John. But it is the last two lines of the verse that are the most striking and set the tone for the rest of the song:

The new beatitude "Good luck, you're on your own"

For those who are not Christian, or for those Christians that never learned about The Beatitudes, it helps to have some extra context. The Sermon on the Mount is a scene from the Gospel of Matthew and elaborated on in the Gospel of Luke. Jesus Christ gives a lengthy sermon to a crowd and during this famous speech, he issues The Beatitudes. You can kind of think of them as the New Testament’s answer to the Old Testament’s 10 Commandments and be kind of in the right ballpark. For all the hype and focus in Western society on the 10 Commandments, the Beatitude are often overlooked by a lot of Christians. Which is kind of bonkers if you think about it and may hopefully become more apparent by the end of this article.

Christianity is big on layering imagery and call-backs to earlier Biblical writings. Seriously, Christians love that shit. It adds a feeling a depth and purpose to The Scripture. We can sort of view the weightiness of The Beatitudes through the doctrine of the Trinity. Basically the idea that The Son, The Father, and the Holy Spirit are all one in the same being. Ergo Jesus Christ is the literal physical manifestation of God. Just as God the Father literally wrote the 10 Commandments in stone, Jesus Christ, The Son, issues a new set of Commandments, The Beatitudes, in the Sermon on the Mount.

Yeah, they’re supposed to be THAT important.

Most Christians can name probably 6-7 of the 10 Commandments without too much thought, but they probably don’t know The Beatitudes, at least as a term. That being said, almost everyone would recognize them:

Blessed are the poor in spirit; the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Blessed are the patient; they shall inherit the land. Blessed are those who mourn; they shall be comforted. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for holiness; they shall have their fill. Blessed are the merciful; they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the clean of heart; they shall see God. Blessed are the peace-makers; they shall be counted the children of God. Blessed are those who suffer persecution in the cause of right; the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Blessed are you, when men revile you, and persecute you, and speak all manner of evil against you falsely, because of me. (Matthew 5:3-11)

The Gospel of Luke, a later chronological writing than the Gospel of Matthew, further expounds upon The Beatitudes, adding a bit more flavoring and essentially turns them into action items rather than just virtuous states of being:

27 And now I say to you who are listening to me, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you; 28 bless those who curse you, and pray for those who treat you insultingly. 29 If a man strikes thee on the cheek, offer him the other cheek too; if a man would take away thy cloak, do not grudge him thy coat along with it. 30 Give to every man who asks, and if a man takes what is thine, do not ask him to restore it. 31 As you would have men treat you, you are to treat them; no otherwise… 36 Be merciful, then, as your Father is merciful. 37 Judge nobody, and you will not be judged; condemn nobody, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and gifts will be yours; good measure, pressed down and shaken up and running over, will be poured into your lap; the measure you award to others is the measure that will be awarded to you. (Luke 6:27-31, 36-38)

Luke also offers a complimentary set of warnings to accompany the Beatitudes, known as the 4 Woes:

Woe upon you who are rich; you have your comfort already. Woe upon you who are filled full; you shall be hungry. Woe upon you who laugh now; you shall mourn and weep. Woe upon you, when all men speak well of you; their fathers treated the false prophets no worse. (Luke 6:24-26)

When I was growing up in a very devoutly Catholic household, I remember my mother telling me that as important as the 10 Commandments are to the foundations of what was then my faith, The Beatitudes were absolutely critical to my being a good Catholic and, what’s more, no person could ever hope to have a shot at entering heaven without ascribing to them.

Something about a rich man, a camel, the eye of a needle, and the prosperity gospel, amirite? But I digress.

It’s funny, re-reading the Sermon on the Mount and Luke 6, after I don’t know how many years, I really am struck by how the Beatitudes really are positive action items. The quotes I provided above don’t really delve too deeply into how the broader context of the Beatitudes demand positive action. This is article is going to be long enough as is without dissecting the full text of the Sermon on the Mount from both Gospels of Matthew and Luke, but they’re interesting pieces to read from a moral philosophy perspective even if you’re not religious. Where the Commandments say essentially, “Don’t do this or else”, the Beatitudes basically say: “Do these things, act this way, and you will be rewarded; don’t do them and you won’t be”. That is a MARKED difference in tone from the Commandments, and it is baffling why as a religion Christianity focuses so much on the consequences of negative behavior as opposed to the positive outcomes for good behavior.

Getting back to the song, it is through the Beatitudes that all people are called to approach and treat others with compassion and empathy. As the GCP shows us though, this is no longer the case: you are no longer expected to care for others, and you should not expect them to care about you. You’re on your own now.

As The Doomed progresses, we get a better picture of scene the GCP shows to Scrooge. The underlying music shifts to more of a march feel. There is a call-and-response at play between an unnamed preacher, the New Christ, and his followers, The Same Old Horde:

Blessed are the fornicates May we bend down to be their whores Blessed are the rich May we labor, deliver them more Blessed are the envious Bless the slothful, the wrathful, the vain Blessed are the gluttonous May they feast us to famine and war

Maynard covers a lot of ground in these two short verses. He’s alluded 3 Gospels already--2 of which we’ve dug into, I’m not getting into John here, but yeah that allusion to the Word comes from there (among other places… Christianity is big on scriptural call-backs, what can I say?)--and now he’s inverting the Beatitudes by referencing the 7 Deadly Sins and even the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Damn. Maynard’s smart.

Like the Beatitudes, the 7 Deadly Sins are familiar to most Christians, but they’re fundamentally misunderstood. They are not explicitly Biblical, and their legacy mostly comes down to us through early Christian mysticism and through the writings of St. Thomas Aquinas. They are: Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. What sets these apart from sin as it’s normally understood is that they are not actions. According to Aquinas, sin is a moral evil that is not in accord with reason or Divine Law and it fundamentally requires some type of decision and action. The 7 Deadly sins are more states of emotional being that lead us to moral evils. Through wrath and anger, we’re prone to violence and poor decision making. Through sloth, we’re prone to inaction in the face of evil. And so it goes.

The 7 Deadly Sins are inherently selfish mindsets. They are considered so in Western culture because allowing ourselves to fall victim to our lust or greed is the same as saying that we are sating ourselves potentially at the expense of others. Such a mindset is in direct conflict with the words of Christ vis-a-vis the Beatitudes. The contrast is so strong that, in a way, you could look at The Beatitudes and the 7 Deadly Sins as extremes on the end of a spectrum. It is the human condition to err towards the Sins, but it is imperative for all humans to move towards the Beatitudes, not only for their salvation but for the betterment of society (anybody else catching a whiff of Freud here? Id/Ego? Just me?). Maynard flips the script: the worst impulses of humanity now guide us.

The music shifts again, this time to something more innocent sounding, and we hear our Scrooge speak for the first time:

What of the pious, the pure of heart, the peaceful? What of the meek, the mourning, and the merciful?

It’s a little difficult to tell if it’s our Scrooge or GCP who utter the next two lines, I like to think it’s the latter, but the sentiment is the same either way:

All doomed All doomed

In this new world, those that embrace the values and actions embodied by the Beatitudes are left behind.

The music picks up again and the GCP again address Scrooge. The atmosphere almost feels more somber and reflective:

Behold a new Christ Behold the same old horde Gather at the altering New beginning, new word And the word was death And the word was without light The new beatitude: "Good luck"

This repetition of the earlier verse brings us back to Dickens’ scene outside the Cratchit’s: The spirt echoes the earlier words of Scrooge while Scrooge solemnly considers Tiny Tim’s health: “’If he be like to die, he had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.’”

The music shifts, again, this time back to the innocent, meek section we heard earlier in the song. Scrooge interrupts GCP:

What of the pious, the pure of heart, the peaceful? What of the meek, the mourning, and the merciful? What of the righteous? What of the charitable? What of the truthful, the dutiful, the decent?

Once again Scrooge directly references the Beatitudes, but this time he expands beyond them, alluding to people that embody other parallel virtues to those referenced in the Gospels. There’s a sense of pleading and desperation to his words as Scrooge tries to capture the gravity of the implications of GCP’s descriptions.

The music shifts again to the marching beat, with a dissonant guitar lead, purposefully played off key. GCP is becoming angry and annoyed. “You’re not getting it, stupid”. He responds through Maynard, who now sings with a clear edge to his voice:

Doomed are the poor Doomed are the peaceful Doomed are the meek Doomed are the merciful

For the word is now death And the word is now without light The new beatitude:

GCP directly calls out a number of the virtues of the Beatitudes, but this time his cynicism is crystal clear. He finally exclaims to Scrooge, anger boiling over:

Fuck the doomed! You're on your own.

Again, I’m reminded of Dickens and the final exchange between Scrooge and GCP. Scrooge laments the state and health of those whose lives he has just seen. The sprit, angry that Scrooge still seems to be missing the big picture—that Scrooge bears responsibility for their state, let alone their opinions of him—uses Scrooge’s own words to drive the point home: “’Are there no prisons?" said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. "Are there no workhouses?’". It’s a final, damning rebuke for Scrooge to ponder before being confronted by the most terrifying spirit of the night. Just as we are left to ponder the implications of the “New Beatitude”.

See, I told you there was a good reason to use GCP as the narrator as opposed to Dante.

Plus, Christmas.

So there.

Some final thoughts:

I’ve been struggling how to relate the two children that accompany the GCP in A Christmas Carol, named Ignorance and Want, back to “The Doomed”. In some ways they could be tied into the 7 Deadly Sins as they are both expressions of pure human selfishness, but, you know, square peg/round hole. Still food for thought though.

Even as I have moved in my own faith journey from Catholic to absurdist (a la Albert Camus), I still refer to myself as “philosophically Catholic”, and have been known to reference Luke’s version of The Sermon on the Mount in casual conversation, specifically this gem:

By what right wilt thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me rid thy eye of that speck, when thou canst not see the beam that is in thy own? Thou hypocrite, take the beam out of thy own eye first, and so thou shalt have clear sight to rid thy brother’s of the speck. (Luke 6:42)

I love that image.

The Beatitudes, The Woes, the 7 Deadly Sins, and their larger roles as measures of personal morality are really meaningful to me. Even though I don’t consider myself Christian, I still ascribe to them. They are guideposts towards achieving The Golden Rule—if such a thing could be considered a state of virtue—and in their broader context they are calls for us to engage of certain types of action, especially considering Matthew 25:36:

I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.

Re-reading The Beatitudes for this post, I’ve also been so struck by how little sense of primacy there is in them compared to the Commandments. There’s no explicit demand that we follow the Christian God, but that we embrace the Beatitudes and their broader contexts as moral bedrock. Christ reflects later in the Gospel of Luke that not using them as the basis for our personal morality would be like building a house in a flood zone on dirt instead of bedrock. There’s a lot of truth to that, and that message transcends a lot of the nonsense that tends to lead people away from the religion.

I think Maynard might be coming from a similar viewpoint. The values that we are supposed to espouse and embody are outdated in this New World. Kindness is obsolete. Those that embrace virtue are kicked aside just as readily as those that we would otherwise consider to be lesser than ourselves. The Doomed urges us to reflect on this and consider how we view the people and world around us. Like Scrooge, in order for us to make a substantive change in ourselves and around us, we need to really consider what we’re seeing before us in the present moment.

And it’s not a pretty picture.

But it’s not all bleak. The last line of the song uses the conjunction and pronoun “You’re” and “your”, respectively. Both variations of “You”. We could spend hours discussing and dissecting the grammatical implications of the lyrics, but suffice it to say: as much as a condemnation as the last line is, it’s also a recognition that it’s on us to act. No one else.

I’ll end this 3500-word beast on that note.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Let’s do a little bit better every day.

Shea \m/

#a perfect circle #a christmas carol #maynard james keenan #eat the elephant #charles dickens #Christianity #sermon on the mount #beatitudes #seven deadly sins #heavy metal #metal #alternative metal #catholicism #thomas aquinas #aquina

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the-governors-sweetheart · 8 years

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[I’m not a good writer at all, but a friend asked me to write a Philip - Harleigh - Negan threesome fan fiction and here it is. The story takes place in an alternate universe before the Zombie Apocalypse.]

[WARNING: The following fan fiction contains smut. Don’t like it, don’t read it.]

“Overtime Compensation"

Philip stared at the confusing list of numbers on the computer monitor in front of him and let out an annoyed sigh, he was already at a point where his head hurted and his concentration was nearly zero. The pile of to-do files on Philip’s desk was huge. His boss had added another good amount of work - additional to his already big pile - when he had left Philip alone about three hours ago. Every other office was empty on his level, the corridor was pitch dark and like on so many other days of the last five months, he had been the one idiot, who had to work on a Friday night, because his incompetent boss had made a mistake, that needed to be fixed until Monday. Luckily his brother had the time and patience to babysit Philip’s daughter Penny at home, but he couldn’t stop thinking of how she’d have to spend so many days without her father, her only remaining parent now, when he wished nothing more than to spend more time with his little girl. Sadly, this wasn’t possible anymore, he had to work overtime, ever since he had lost his wife in a car accident and had to work for two to keep their small house and to be able to pay the bills. Philip rubbed his tired eyes and temples, he decided to get himself another hot cup of coffee and headed to the kitchen at the other side of the long dark corridor, that was barely lit. But to his surprise there was light shining through the crack of the door of another office, that he had to pass on his way to the kitchen. Once he had reached the kitchen, he turned on the coffee maker and waited, then he remembered who’s office it was - it must be the young woman, who started to work for the company just a few weeks ago. Philip had briefly talked to her, since she worked for another department, but he remembered that she was “smoking hot”, as his younger brother Brian would put it after he had described her to him. During the first seven months after his wife had died, Philip had felt bad whenever he had thought of dating another woman, they had been married for 15 years after all, but he just missed a woman by his side, especially on long, cold winter nights like these.

Everything was dead silent, except for the coffee maker and the rain that poured down against the window from outside. He was lost in his own thoughts, as he stared outside into the cloudy night and didn’t even realize, that he had been watched for a few seconds, until he heard someone moving behind him. His initial reaction was to flip around quickly. “I’m so sorry, Sir… I-I didn’t mean to scare you,” the young woman said, with her hands raised up in an apologetically gesture. She had lovely blond hair, bright blue eyes and was most likely in her mid-twenties. In her hand she held an empty cup of coffee and then she side glanced at the coffee maker, that was just done with the fresh coffee. “I just wanted to make some for myself. If I’d have realized, that I wasn’t alone here, I’d have made you a coffee too of course, Sir,” she said with a polite smile. Philip smiled back at her. “No need to be sorry, and please, don’t call me Sir… It’s Philip. Seems like I’m just as screwed as you are, we should have been home hours ago, huh?” He replied, as he took the mug gently out of her hand, slightly touching her petite fingers as he did. For a brief moment time stood still, as he gazed into her eyes, like in one of these cheesy movies he had seen a long time ago. He flashed a smile a little unsure and broke eye contact before he poured hot coffee into both of their mugs. “Yeah, my boss wanted me to work overtime today. He’s still in his office too. I don’t mind that, though, I can use the money,” she told him, before she realized that she hadn’t introduced herself yet. “I’m sorry, my name is Harleigh,” the young woman said, before she reached out her hand to shake his. Philip shook her hand for a bit too long. He found himself staring at her pretty young face once again, he was drawn to her like a moth to the flame, before he moved his hand away eventually. Then he gave her the mug which he had filled with steamy hot coffee. “Thanks,” she blushed slightly as she took it, this time obviously noticing his odd behavior. “How about we take a short break from work?” She said pointing at the small table and chairs in the center of the kitchen. Philip nodded, he felt exhausted and a small break might be just what he needed. The more time they spent in the office kitchen, sitting at the small table, chatting and drinking coffee, the more he felt drawn to her and he used every moment to watch her, when she wasn’t noticing. She was very beautiful and kind, had a good sense of humor and from what she had told him about her private life, she hadn’t been very lucky with relationships in the past.

One cup of coffee had quickly turned into three. They got along pretty well right away, even when there was obviously an age difference of almost 20 years, but Philip wasn’t crazy enough to believe, that he could get a date with a woman like her, even if he was younger and especially after he had more or less whined about how aweful his job and his boss was. “He’s half my age and has an IQ even lower. I’m sorry, I can’t respect someone like that, boss or not,” he said with a joyless chuckle, taking a big sip from his coffee, as Harleigh’s light mood changed suddenly and her face turned sad. “You think he’s stupid, because he’s young?” She asked with a slight frown. Philip realized what she truly meant. She was reffering to her own age and he felt very stupid all of a sudden for upsetting her. “No no, not because of his age, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, I just think he’s not experienced enough to be boss of a whole department of a nationwide company. Hell, it’s not him who has to work overtime, it’s me. I have to fix, what he has screwed up last month!” Philip said a little too rough maybe,before he burried his head into his hands, rubbing his tired eyes, he was exhausted and had barely slept lately. “I’m sorry…,” he said softly, looking up at her. “It’s ok, Philip. I know your boss sucks and you work hard. But… maybe I can help you,” she said with a smile as she took his hand rubbing her thumb on the back of it. Philip raised his eyebrows in surprise. “That’s very kind of you, but you’re busy with your own work, not to mention that I couldn’t take your offer,” he replied with a smile and she continued to caress his hand in a way, that confused him to say the least. He flashed a cheeky smile and caressed her hand too now, which made her smile even more, as if she had waited for that move. Then she got up and walked over to the fridge, opening it and bending herself down to look inside and check what’s in the bodom part. Harleigh stood there for a moment and wiggled her bum slightly, as she looked through the items in the fridge, knowing that Philip would watch her. In fact he couldn’t take his gaze of her, since he saw her for the first time, she was not only breathtakingly beautiful, she might as well be the model on the cover of a Playboy magazine and he’d never believe, that a woman like her could be drawn to an ordinary man like himself, which explained why he didn’t notice her subtile signals. Philip couldn’t but smirk to himself, when she bend down, raising her ass up, he didn’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the fact, that he didn’t have sex for months, but he involuntarily imagined to get behind her and push himself against her ass. He got pulled out of his daydream, when Harleigh was done and closed the fridge. Of course she didn’t take out anything. He shook off his previous thought quickly, when she faced him and tried to focus on the work that was still ahead of him. “I better go back to my office now, I still got a lot of work to do. It was very nice talking to you and I hope we can meet for lunch break tomorrow,” Philip said, as he got up from his chair and then he smiled and left Harleigh alone with a confused look on her face.

Harleigh watched how Philip left the kitchen and walked back to his office, as if nothing had just happened. She didn’t understand, why he hadn’t respond to her more than obvious signals. From what she knew about him, he wasn’t the type of man who’d do a quicky in the office, but how couldn’t he see what she was up to? She had liked him at first sight, when she had started working for the company a couple of weeks ago, because she could tell that he was a good man. After bad luck in the past, she could use someone like that in her life. But sadly he didn’t seem to be interested in her. She wanted to ask him to go out with her, but she couldn’t find the bravery to do it eventually. And now she was confused even more, because he didn’t react to her obvious signals, whether in a positive or negative reaction. Harleigh tried to find out more about him. She knew, that he was father to a young girl, and that he had been married for some years and lost his wife amost a year ago, but if he was single, why didn’t he even consider it? Was he still grieving? But other colleagues told her, that he had dates lately. Harleigh had heard a lot of things about Philip from different sources, some bad things as well, since he seemed to be the punching bag for his asshole of a boss. There was quite the gossip about him in fact, but nothing that she didn’t like. Philip freaked out once allegedly and basically shouted at his boss about how incompetent he was, giving everyone quite a good show, as he slammed the door shut and stormed out to the corridor. Harleigh liked men who don’t give a fuck. Everyone can be a coward, but it takes guts to speak out the uncomfortable truth. She didn’t mind that he was older than herself, in fact she was sick and tired of immature men, who wanted to show her around like a trophy, or who were irresponsible clowns. Harleigh didn’t want to go through all that crap again. She thought that Philip was a kind man, a family man who seemed to do whatever it takes to care for his daughter and thinking about all that made her feel bad for him, not to mention that he was very handsome and a gentleman, unlike some other coworkers she had met there. She decided to go and help him, no matter if he wanted her to or not. Her own boss could wait for a bit longer, he was busy anyway and wouldn’t even notice that she was gone. Harleigh took her cup of coffee and went to Philip’s office, nonchalantly leaning against the door as she watched him writing something down and staring at his monitor like under hypnosis.

It took him a while to notice her and he smirked at her, when he saw her standing by the door, taking a sip of her coffee, before she walked inside and closed the door behind her. “I’ll help you now and you won’t stop me. My boss won’t even notice that I’m gone for a bit,” she said with a smirk, before she took a chair and sat down at his desk, right next to him, taking some of his files. “Awright,” Philip chuckled defeatedly, as he tried to bring order into the chaos in front of him, so she would be able to follow his work so far. After he briefly explained her the task ahead, they worked together for a few minutes and with her help he was done with everything quickly. He sighed and leaned back into his chair with a sigh of relief, rubbing his tired face with his hands. “Thank you so much. How can I ever pay you back for this?” He said, smiling at her and she repeated his smile, before she did something unexpectedly, her hand moved to his knee and stroked it gently. “I know a way how you could pay me back,” she said seductively as she bit on her bodom lip and looked him deep in the eyes. For a moment Philip wasn’t sure, if he had fallen asleep and this was a dream, he gave her a confused look, not knowing how to respond to her move. “What…?” He asked, unable to form a better response and then he instantly blamed himself for his own stupidity, as he realized that she had tried to seduce him in the kitchen before and he didn’t get it… until now. He watched her baffled and tried to think of how he could get out of this situation without hurting her feelings. Philip knew that it was wrong, but her touch felt gorgeous and it’s been so long since he had been touched like that. How can something so wrong feel so incredibly good? Harleigh obviously noticed, that he was confused and didn’t know how to respond to her. “I usually don’t do this kind of thing. I’m really not someone like that and I never had sex at work before, but I was drawn to you ever since I met you. We both worked hard today, what’s so wrong about relaxing for a moment?” She asked with a warm smile, but she could tell, that Philip was still fighting with himself. “I really like you, Philip. All I want to give you is a good time. There’s nothing wrong about that,” she continued and then she saw something in his gaze for the first time - burning desire. Harleigh smiled when she realized, that the wall he had build around himself began to crumble at last. She gave him a seductive gaze with nothing but desire. “I want you so much…,” she straddled his leg slightly and her hand moved down on the inside of his thigh, which caused his breathing to fasten. Her gentle touch and her hot words were enough to arouse him so much, that he got hard. Philip was sure, it wouldn’t take her long to realize, that he had an erection, that was pushing hard against the inside of his pants, only inches away from her fingers. “We can’t do this… not here. What if we get caught? Your boss is still here. We’re going to lose our jobs,” he said, still trying to be reasonable and fight the urge to give into their desire, but she knew, that his resistance began to crumble more with each second and she moved her hand just an inch closer to his cock. Then her fingers touched the shape of his erection and she realized, that he was hard already. Harleigh stopped right before it and teased him by stroking the inside of his thigh right next to his hard cock. “No one will find out, we’re alone. My boss is busy and he doesn’t know, that I’m here,” she said, as she caressed the inside of his thigh, moving back and forth to his erection teasingly, which obviously drove him crazy. Philip thought about it for a moment and he couldn’t find something wrong about it - they were both adults who just wanted to let off some steam, not to mention that she was breathtakingly hot.

There was no doubt about him wanting her and she was right, they were all alone. It was just something they both wanted and needed badly. In his mind he was already going further, as his gaze wandered along her body as he imagined her naked. His hard cock was throbbing at he pure thought of that, which she probably noticed, because her fingers began to touch his erection briefly through his pants. “Mmmm… I want you so bad. I’ve wanted you since I saw you for the first time,” she said lustfully with need in her gaze. Philip let out a quiet moan, he looked into her eyes as she continued to stroke the area right next to his erection, all she wanted was to make him feel good and to enjoy it. His cock was throbbing hard and lust took over his every thought, then he took her hand and he pressed it against his erection, rubbing her hand up and down along his huge length, moaning softly and savouring her wonderful touch. She gasped when she felt how huge his cock was underneath his pants, she had imagined him to have a big cock, since he was a tall man, but not that big. The thought of having him deep inside her was dampening her panties. The center of her thighs was pulsating with need to feel his long thick cock inside her. Everything about him turned her on, his quiet moans, his lustful needy gaze and the way he was guiding her hand, showing her how he liked to be touched. “No one will find out, its gonna be our little secret… Even if I can’t think of anything little right now,” she said with a sassy smirk, just when he leaned over to kiss her, he pressed his lips lustfully against hers. A moment later his hands were already exploring her sexy body, he cupped her head with one hand as he kissed her passionately, while the other one massaged her breast. “God, you’re so beautiful… I want to be inside you,” Philip said in a deep voice, before he pulled her top over head. His desire for her was immense and his lips couldn’t get enough of her. He opened her bra and once her breasts were exposed to him, he sank his face between them, greedily sucking and kissing her nipples. She moaned when she felt his soft lips running along her naked skin and taking the sensitive tip of her breasts one by one into his mouth. Harleigh couldn’t get enough of him, her panties were soaked for him already and she wanted - no, needed - to have him inside of her now. She moaned softly and let her fingers run through his short brown hair, as he pleasured her breasts and neck with his expert tongue. She couldn’t but imagine what other places of her body he could pleasure with his greedy tongue and she moved her hips wantonly rhythmically back and forth at the thought of it. “Philip… I need you inside of me,” she moaned lustfully, wanting to rip off his clothes and guide his thick cock right between her damp thighs herself, until he was completely burried inside her. Philip didn’t need a second invitation, he looked up at her and started to open her tight jeans, then he pulled them down eagerly, leaving her naked with only her panties on. He could see that her panties were soaked and the thought to slide his cock into her damp pussy, turned him incredibly on. He got up from his chair, quickly as if he was in a hurry, then he pulled his shirt over his head, not bothering to unbutton it first. His hands were already fumbling on his belt and pants, which allowed Harleigh to get a good look at his muscular, lean chest. She couldn’t wait to see what was hidden underneath his pants, but according to his huge bulge she won’t be disappointed. After mere seconds, that felt like an eternity to Harleigh, he unzipped his pants and pulled them down along with his boxer shorts and when he got up again, she could see his gorgeously long cock springing free. Its thick, pink tip was pointing right at her face and due to its big size, his cock was slightly swaying back and forth with each of Philips moves. Harleigh licked her lips and couldn’t but stare at his perfectly beautiful cock, her hand began to stroke him wantonly, wanting him to be rock hard for her.

The quiet moans of pleasure she pulled from him by stimulating him, turned her on and caused her own sex to throb with need. She pulled him gently closer, and looked up at him, as she stroked him. Then she licked over her lips and guided his cock to her mouth, before she began to lick around his glossy tip. The sight of her tongue licking his cock drove him crazy, he pushed his pelvis towards her, wanting her to take his length into her mouth, but she continued to tease him and licked his tip while she pumped his thick shaft. After another moment she gave him a sassy smirk, before she took his full lenght into her mouth, sucking and licking him while she fondled his balls. Philip threw his head back in pleasure, as he slid his huge cock down her throat, to his surprise she was able to take almost his whole length. His hand moved wantonly to the back of her head, running his fingers through her blond hair, as her lips moved slowly up and down on his shaft, it was so thick that it barely fitted into her mouth. Harleigh looked up at his pleasured face and she began to moan against his cock, when she saw how horny he was. The passionate way she was sucking him felt like heaven and he couldn’t but push his hips towards her, wanting to sink deeper into her throat. It didn’t take him long to get rock hard and when his member had reached its full size, he pulled his wet cock out of her mouth, the tip was purple now and he had grown thicker and slightly longer. Philip placed his hands onto Harleighs shoulders and wanted her to get up from the chair. He looked her in the eyes, before he crashed his lips against hers, as his hand slid into her soaked panties and pulled them down her legs. Her juices felt so good on his fingers, that he took them to his mouth and licked them to taste her sweetness. He couldn’t but imagine how gorgeously her juices would soak his cock, when she was cumming and he wanted her to cum all over his cock. Philip moved his hands to her hips and lifted her up to sit on his desk. He smiled at her and cupped her young, beautiful face gently, before he straddled her thighs and moved between them, until the thick tip of his hard member brushed against her wet pussy. Philips gaze didn’t leave hers as he took his cock and began to enter her slowly. He couldn’t believe how tight she was, her walls pushed against his thick shaft and gave him the sweetest pleasures. He wasn’t even half inside her, when she let out a loud moan and the way she gripped his shoulder made him think, that he was hurting her maybe. Philip stopped and cupped her cheek, but her gaze wasn’t showing anything but pleasure. He was thick but she was enjoying it just as much as he was. Harleigh whimpered when he continued to push his huge cock slowly into her very tight channel. Her juices helped him to push deeper inside and once he was completely inside her, Philip let out a deep throated moan. “You feel so good,” he said softly, before he kissed her passionately. In the next heartbeat he began to thrust his cock slowly in and out of her tight wet core. His breathing fastened, as he made slowly and passionately love to her. Her tight walls pleasured him to the maximum and when they began to stretch slightly to accommodate his huge girth, he dared to thrust a little harder into her, which made her gasp and moan at the same time. The noises of pleasure he was pulling from her just spurred him on to increase his actions and in the next second he thrusted harder into her. “Oh god, Philip!… Fuck,” Harleigh moaned louder as she gripped his neck and pressed his lips against hers in a heated kiss to stiffle her moans. His cock was so thick that he stretched her walls to the brink and filled her up completely, every single move filled her with pleasure and even if she wanted to, she couldn’t remain quiet. Whenever his thick tip touched her back walls and his huge cock was completely buried inside her warm core, she wanted to cry out his name loudly with each deep thrust, to let the whole wolrd know how perfectly he fucked her. She moaned against his lips, as he pleasured her gorgeously, but then she pulled away to look him in the eyes, as he slid his cock slowly and deeply in and out of her. “You don’t need to hold back, you can fuck me as hard as you want, baby,” Harleigh said in a seductive voice, as she gripped his ass cheeks with both hands and wanted him to move faster. Philip smirked and did as she wanted him to, he thrusted harder into her, noticing how much it pleasured her and then he began to fuck her harder. “Harder…,” she still demanded and Philip gripped her hips to keep her in place, before he fucked her as hard and deep as he could, which caused her to cry out in pleasure. Soon the room was filled with their pleasurable moans and the creaking and banging noises of his desk, that was hitting agaist the wall. He gave her everything he had. His cock slid rapidly in and out of her, hitting all her right places over and over again. The sweet pain of his swollen balls, which were slapping roughly against her wet folds, was just adding to his already immense pleasure. Philip buried his face into the crook of her neck as he fucked her hard, he let go of anything and couldn’t but moan her name like a prayer. The banging noise of the table continued and was drawing the attention of the only other person left in the building, who was looking for his assistant for a few minutes now.

When he finally found the source of the noises, he moved closer to the door and could hear even more… much more in fact. Their hot moaning and grunts could be heard down the street probably. Negan smirked to himself, as he imagined the shocked looks on their faces, if he’d just stormed inside the office and then he shrugged his shoulders and just did it. The guy was so busy with fucking her in a wild frenzy like an animal, that he didn’t even notice, that Negan had entered the room. Negans watched his young assistant getting fucked hard, she was completely naked and double as hot as he had imagined her. He had to admit, that her moans of pleasure and her naked breasts and ass were turning him on and to watch them fuck each others brains out, even if was just for a few seconds, turned his cock semi hard. Then she noticed the presence of her boss eventually and forced Philip to stop.

“Holy fucking fuck! What do we have HERE?” Negan said, obviously amused about the love birds he had just exposed. “Negan… Oh my god!” Harleigh said, her face was filled with shame as she covered her breasts with her hands, while Philip just stood there in complete shock. She looked at the tall man with short black hair and didn’t know what would happen next. Harleigh relied on this job and couldn’t afford to lose it, not to mention what the job meant to Philip and his daughter. She felt like it was all her fault and that she had brought him into this situation. Negan smirked at them as his gaze wandered up and down on Harleighs naked body, he could tell that both were ashamed for getting busted and he thought about how far he could go with this situation. Of course he had thought more than one time how it’d be like to fuck her. The way she always bent down or moved around his desk didn’t leave much to his imagination and if he was honest, he got hard behind his desk a few times. He had even asked her, if she was interested to have some fun with him, but maybe he didn’t do it right, cause her response was no.

Philip moved away from her, he didn’t even bother to cover himself, it wouldn’t matter at this point anymore, he looked down in shame and shock, knowing that he just had lost his job. He could barely pay his bills now and he didn’t dare to imagine what would be in a month or more. He tried to think of a way out of this uncomfortable situation, but he couldn’t.

Negan looked up and down on her naked body, obviously enjoying the hot sight, but then he frowned. “What are you doing here?” He asked and Harleigh took on Philips shirt to cover most of her body as she tried to beg her boss to not tell anyone about them. “I-I’m so sorry, Negan. Please, you can fire me for this, but don’t tell his boss. He’s got a child to take care of,” she said with worry on her face. “No, I mean you and… him??” Negan pointed at Philip, who was half turned away, running his hands down on his face. “That guy? Seriously?? He could win the award for fucking boredomness! What really hurts me, is that you didn’t even fucking consider to have that with ME. What is it? What does he got, that made you think: Hey, let’s ride his fucking dick!” Negan said, trying to hide a smirk. “He… he’s just nice,” she replied and Negan had to chuckle at her answer. “What the fuck?? Are you fucking kidding me? Nice is international for pussy. If you love nice, I can be friendly as fuck, if you know what I mean,” he said with a wink, which confused her and she didn’t know what to reply to that. Then he seemed to have an idea, he raised his index finger and pointed at Philip. “Hey, nude dude! Turn around and look at me,” Negan said in a firm voice and Philip turned around to face him. Even when he had been the only one, who was still completely naked, Negans attention had been on Harleigh all this time and he didn’t notice the obvious thing about Philip, she was drawn to most likely. “Holy … SHIT! If that’s what you call "nice”, wait until you see my dick,“ Negan said amusedly, although he was impressed at the size of Philips semi hard cock, he didn’t show it. Then he noticed that both people were not really in the mood for fun anymore. Negans face turned serious. "Ohh… I get it now, you’re actually worried about getting fired? Hey, listen, I understand that working here can be fucking frustrating and with all these hot tensions and all… I really can’t blame you both,” he said softly, before he went closer to her, his hand caressed her blushed cheek. “Hey… it’s ok.” Negan said with a soft smile, what he’d do for a kiss from those sweet lips.

His touch was unexpectedly gently, something Harleigh thought impossible, Negan seemed to be rather rough and anything but gentle, but she had to admit that he had a weird sense of humor that always made her laugh. She looked up at him with her bright blue eyes, as his hand caressed her cheek and he had a look on his face that she couldn’t read. “What if I’d ask you for the same thing he did? Would you say yes?” He asked and again Harleigh didn’t expect his question, she thought he was joking before, but now he had a kind expression on his face and a soft smile on his lips. She’d have to lie, if his offer didn’t arouse her, he was handsome and she could tell by looking into his eyes, that he’d never tell Philips boss. Harleigh found herself in a very weird situation, there was two men, who wanted her and even when she just wanted one of them at first, she began to play with the thought of having both. Negans smile got bigger, when he noticed her pause, he knew that she was actually considering it. His hand moved to her neck gently and affectionately, as his gaze never left hers, before he leaned over to whisper into her ear. “Have you never thought about having two dicks at the same time… the things we could do to you,” he whispered in a husky voice before he brushed his lips down her neck, his hot breathe washed over her soft skin. “I want to fuck you so bad,” he whispered and moved his hand between her thighs.

Philip had seen enough, whatever this man was up to, he wasn’t part of it and he was as good as fired anyway. He began to take on his pants, as he watched how Negan began to seduce Harleigh - HIS Harleigh. He couldn’t deny the feeling of jealousy and he wished that Negan had never found them. Just when he wanted to pass them to take his jacket, since she was wearing his shirt, Negan forced him to stop. “Whoa, where are you going?” He asked and Philip frowned. “I’m going home,” he replied seriously, looking at Harleigh, who seemed to enjoy Negans company now, instead of his, which hurt him more than he would admit. “I thought we could share this fucking beauty, c'mon… Look at her, she wants it,” Negan said with a sassy smirk, but Philip shook his head and pulled out of Negans grip. “What the hell is wrong with you??” Philip said, trying to swallow his jealousy and ignore them, he had always been a sour looser. “Aw, c'mon, don’t tell me, that you never imagined a threesome before. How she’d moan with our two big dicks inside her, we can give her a real good time, don’t you think?” Negan said cheerfully like an excited child on Christmas, he tapped his hand on Philips shoulder as if they were the best buddies.

Philip stood there for a moment and that was his mistake, again Negan could tell that his hesitation was a sign of consideration and if anyone could convince someone, it was him. Negan was a man of many talents, he could basically sell fridges to the Northpole. “Must be hard, I mean not being able to finish off, right? I can tell that you want to fuck her, c'mon, what’s so bad ahout us sharing a bit?” Negan said, but then Philip looked him dead in the eye, his face was serious. “I don’t do this kind of crap,” he replied firmly. Harleigh tried to look not too disappointed about his answer, if she’d consider a threesome, it would be with these two hot men right there. The thought of having them both at the same time and their cocks right in front of her, before they fucked her from both ends, was turning her on so much, that she could feel her juices running down on the inside of her thighs, since she was wearing no panties.

Negan gave him a what the fuck look, how could he decline something like that? He changed his strategy and a cheecky smirk appeared on his face. “You’re afraid, that I’m better,” he said folding his arms in front of his chest. Philip couldn’t but chuckle at something so ridiculous. “What??” He just replied, shaking his head in disbelief. “Alright, but why are you retreating then? See, I want it - and even more importantly - she wants it. You want to leave, because you think I can fuck her better. Oh, and I fucking will. I’ll fuck her brains out with my big dick, until she can’t walk tomorrow, and maybe another time during lunch break,” Negan said triumphantly and he could see how Philip got mad at him, but instead of taking the challenge, he took Harleighs hand, wanting her to come with him.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said as he held her hand, but Harleigh didn’t move, she pulled Philip softly closer to her instead, until their faces were mere inches away from each other. Her hands caressed his face gently and moved down to his lean chest. She looked up at him with desire - the same look that had aroused him so much before. “I still want you, Philip, even more than before… please stay,” she said in a seductive voice, as she caressed his chest, until her hand moved between his thighs to feel his gorgeous cock once more. Her touch send sweet chills of pleasure throughout his whole body and he couldn’t help the slight moan that escaped his lips, when she stroked his semi hard cock through his pants. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I… can’t do this, I’m not the person who does these things,” he said, but Harleigh gave him a glance full of desire. “Me neither, but we could have this together for the first time. What are you afraid of? That you might like it in the end?” She purred, as she moved as close as possible to him. Her hand continued to stroke his hardening length, until she pulled his pants slowly down, springing free his cock. It was nice and big even when he wasn’t hard anymore. She smiled at him and wanted him to feel comfortable, since he was still skeptical about this. Harleigh began to kiss his lips, first gently and then more passionately, as she stroked his length. “You felt so good, I want you inside me, Philip,” she whispered into his ear, before she continued to kiss him. Her tongue plunged into his wet warm cavern and swirled around his eagerly. Philip pushed her closer to the desk behind her, where he had fucked her so passionately and good before. He moved his hips back and forth, as if he wanted to fuck her hand, while their tongues were caught in a hot battle for dominance. His cock got harder and she pumped him faster, as her thumb rubbed his sensitive pink tip, but he didn’t get fully hard fast enough for her and she wanted him inside her so bad, that she moved down on her knees to suck his cock. Philip moaned when she took his full length deep into her mouth. He didn’t care that Negan watched them, all he was focused on was her face and how she bobbed her lips up and down on his cock, a hypnotical rhythm that catched all of his attention. His hand moved to the back of her head, and caressed her soft blond hair as she pleasured him so fantastically.

A big smirk appeared on Negans face, when the girl had convinced Phillip at last. Of course she could convince him better, than he could ever do. Negan watched her, as she kneeled down in front of Philip and began to swallow his cock so greedily, that he got even harder than he already was. He opened his pants, to release his hard cock and began to stroke himsef as he watched them. But after a few minutes that wasn’t enough to him anymore, he needed more and went right behind her. She looked up at him with a lustful gaze, still busy with sucking Philips cock and Negan licked his lips as he watched her. Harleighs greedy eyes stared at Negans long hard cock, that was about the same size as Philips, just not as thick maybe, and she couldn’t wait to have him buried deep inside of her. The thought of having these gorgeously huge cocks inside her at the same time, fucking her hard into both ends, until she trembled and screamed out in pleasure, made her pussy drip and throb with need.

Negan moved closely behind her and began to caress her shoulder, as he rubbed his cock with the other hand. To his surprise, she pulled Philips dripping wet member out of her mouth and slid his cock down her throat instead. Negan moaned when she sucked him, and hell she was good. His hand moved to the back of her head, but instead of just caressing her hair gently, like Philip did, he pushed her head towards him, wanting to take his full lenght into her throat. “Fuck…,” he moaned lustfully, when she swallowed his full size, gagging a bit when his tip rubbed against the back of her throat, her gagging noises just spurred him on to do more to her. He looked at Philip who watched them and smirked at him, before his hand pushed her head rhythmically against his cock as his hips thrusted into her as if he’d fuck her mouth. Harleighs hand gripped Philips cock as if she had to hold onto something, while Negan fucked her, she began to pump him fast as her stiffled moans got louder. “Fuck yeah, you fucking love my cock, right?” Negan said with a smirk, before he almost he thrusted his cock into her mouth almost forcefully, but she swallowed him perfectly and sucked him until he was rock hard. He pulled his soaked cock out of her and wetted his lips, she looked up at him with need and excitement about what he was up to next, as her hand continued to pump Philips cock, whose glossy tip was purple already. Negan forced her to get up and helped her to climb onto the desk on her hands and knees. Her ass showed up towards him and he could see her juices running down on the inside of her thighs. “Look at you… you’re wet as fuck. I bet you can’t wait to be fucked hard now, can you? Oh, sweetheart I’m going to fuck your brains out, until you scream my name,” Negan said as he got into position and Harleigh whimpered with need at his words, she wiggled her bum, wanting to feel him deep inside her at last, but Negan loved to tease her. He rubbed his thick head up and down against her wet slid, as he slapped her bum playfully with his hand. Her juices were covering him quickly and mixing with his pre-cum, that leaked from his tip.

As soon as Harleigh got on all four on his desk, he moved his cock close to her face and pumped it right in front of her lips. Negan teased her so badly, that she couldn’t but take Philips cock greedily into her mouth, sucking him once more. Each time Negan slapped her bum, she shrugged slightly and stiffled moans escaped the back of her throat. She pushed her ass backwards, wanting to be fucked hard at least and then she finally felt the wet tip of Negans long cock sinking into her folds. The way he was slowly teasing her before, didn’t let her expect how deep and fast he entered her with his first thrust. “Ohhh… your pussy feels fucking GOOD, your so fucking tight, I’m going to love DESTROYING you,” Negan said as he began to fuck her hard from behind, her juices allowed him to slid nicely and deeply into her. His hands squeezed her ass cheeks and occasionally slapped them, causing her to let out loud muffled moans. Harleigh needed him so badly,that she moved her ass rhythmically back and forth to match his thrusts roughly, she couldn’t have enough of him.

In the meantime Philips hand pushed her head towards his cock, wanting her to deep throat him, just like she did with Negan. He knew, that she could take him all inside her and she did, even when she gagged a little. “Ohh, yeah…,” he moaned softly, as he moved his pelvis rhythmically back and forth. His eyes never left hers, as she sucked him so intensly and with hungry desire. Then she pulled his wet cock out completely and pumped his shaft with her hand, while she sucked his swollen balls. She used her tongue to lick his thick shaft up and down, before she drew circles on his throbbing, velvety head. Philips hands caressed her breasts and naked body in front of him, as she pleasured his cock and balls. Her body trembled from Negans thrusts and if Philips hands wouldn’t keep her breasts in place, they would be swaying roughly back and forth. Now that Philips cock was out, she was able to moan loudly and she let out a cry of pleasure whenever Negan slammed his cock hard into her from behind. He plowed himself forcefully into her tight wet channel, moaning lustfully, as her resistance began to grow and her walls became tight around his swollen shaft. “Fuck yeah, you wanna cum already, don’t you? Sorry, sexy, I can’t let that happen,” Negan said with a sassy smirk, before he pulled his cock out of her dripping hole. Harleigh whimpered when she didn’t feel his gorgeous length buried inside her anymore, she was craving to feel him and pushed her ass up to invite him once more. She looked up at Philip, whose gaze was just as needy as hers, she smiled at him, before she moved her lips around his huge, hard cock and took him deep into her warm cavern, sucking and pleasuring him more and better than ever before. Philip breathing fastened, he began to moan while he watched her moving her lips up and down on his shaft, she deep throated him like no one had ever done before.

Negan wanted to savour their hot fuck as long as he could, he had pulled his cock out of her and moved down, until his face was right in front of her ass. “Mmmm… look at that awesome pussy. How about I just skip dinner for now and eat some fucking sweet pie instead,” Negan said, before he placed his hands on both her ass cheeks and spread them slightly open. Harleigh raised her ass as high as he could, she cried out in pleasure when she felt his warm tongue pushing into her soft, wet folds. He licked her swollen clit up and down eagerly, as if he was a starving man and this was his first meal. Negan pressed his mouth as deep into her pussy as he could, he sucked and licked and massaged her so gorgeously with his tongue, that Harleigh thought that she would have to cum all over his face right there. Her sweet juices were running down his jaw, she tasted so good that he could never get enough of her. Negan pleasured her orally like no other man ever before, his greedy tongue brought her to pleasurable highs she never thought possible. It seemed to be everywhere at the same time and licked along her swollen slit, before he took care of her pulsating clit. He played with her wet, hard pearl for a few seconds, savouring the moans he could pull from her, even when they were stiffled by Philips cock. Her outcry of sheer lust told him that she was close again and he let go of her soaked pussy. Negans jaw was glistening with her juices as he got up again, without any warning he slammed his huge, hard cock back into her tight channel to continue where he had left before. He began to fuck her hard from behind, causing her whole body to jerk forward towards Philips cock with each thrust. “You fucking like it hard, don’t you?” Negan said and Harleigh moaned a muffled yes, as she pushed her ass towards him faster to match his rough, hard pace. He let out a deep throated moan, when her walls began to clutch his shaft, they gripped him so tight, that he couldn’t move for a second. Negan slammed his cock only more forcefully into her to fight against her physical resistance. Harleigh pulled out Philips cock quickly to scream out her orgasm, as wave after wave of indescribable pleasures washed over her and let her body tremble wantonly. Her loud moaning filled the room, it just spurred Negan on to give her everything he had. “Cum… cum all over me,” he said and in the next moment her juices soaked him. Negan thrusted his cock into hee until he reached his own peak of pleassure, he let out a low groan, as he was cumming deep inside of her, then he pulled his throbbing cock out and pumped it with his hand, until he shot large globs of his warm, milky seed on her ass cheeks. Negan moaned softly as he released his essence on her, he slapped his cock slightly against her ass a few times and rub his throbbing tip into his seed until he began to soften.

Harleigh was a trembling mess, a thin layer of sweat covered her naked body that was exposed to these two men, who pleasured her fantastically. She tried to regain her strength after Negan had fucked her so perfectly, that her core was still releasing spasms of pleasure. “My turn,” she heard Philips deep voice bark. He had waited all this time and was more than ready to take what’s been his from the start. He moved over to her and looked at every part of her naked body, until he decided to move her down from the desk. She faced him with a smile and stood in front of him, waiting what he’d do with her next. Philip was the gentle one of them, however he had loved her roughly before, his love making was nowhere as hard as Negans, who devastated her body. He returned her smile, as his hand cupped her cheek, before he pulled her into a passionate kiss. Their tongues swirled around each other in a hot battle for dominance. His hands moved to her hips and pulled her closer until his cock rubbed against her tummy. He made her turn around and wiped off the cum on her ass with a tissue, then he wanted her to sit on his desk. Harleigh spread her thighs wide open for him and he couldn’t but look at her wonderfully wet pussy, her juices were running down on the inside of her thighs. Philip moved closer and rubbed his cock against her swollen core, her wetness felt gorgeously on his cock. But Philip had waited too long, he just wanted to have her now. His long, thick cock sank deep into her core, he let out a moan when he was completely buried inside her. Harleighs arms were wrapped around his neck and his were wrapped around hers, as he began to thrust into her, slowly and deeply. She didn’t imagine, that she was still posessing the ability to feel more pleasure down there after Negan had fucked her so roughly, but Philips slow and passionate love making brought her body back to life. His massive cock touched all her right places, as he slid in and out of her over and over again and she moaned his name softly into his ear.

Meanwhile Negan had come down from his intense hot sex. He had cleaned up his soft cock and watched their slow passionate fucking for a few minutes. Negan had to admit, that he was impressed at how long Philip could wait until it was his turn and how long he could stay hard, even though she was sucking him so good, that every other man would have cum on her face already. He could feel how he got slowly hard again and his hand moved down to pump his cock while he watched them.

Philip fastened his pace, their hips began to make smacking noises each time he thrusted deep into her wet core and his balls slapped roughly against her swollen folds. He fucked her slowly and passionately for a while, until he pulled his dripping cock out of her and moved her down from the desk. He crashed his lips against hers in a wild kiss, bfore he flipped her around and bent her over the desk to enter her from behind. This time Philips pace was much faster, he fucked her hard and fast and Harleigh began to moan loudly whenever he entered her deeply. The sweet pain of his balls, that slapped roughly against her swollen core, only added to his already immense pleasure. Philip moaned as he thrusted harder and harder into her, his cock was already swelling up. His deep, fast thrusts spiralled Harleigh fast to her next orgasm. He felt so different than Negan before, his cock filled her up perfectly and he touched all her right places at the same time, as he slid in and out of her, which brought her closer to her ultimate release.

Negan walked closer to her when she was bend over the desk and fucked hard from behind by Philip. Her new position allowed him to move his hard cock close enough to her lips. Harleigh looked up at Negan and licked her lips between her loud moans. He pushed his cock towards her and she began to suck him greedily. Her lips bobbed back and forth on his long cock, while her tongue circled around his tip inside her mouth. Negan moved his hand behind her head and forced her to swallow his whole length. He was so big that was impossible and she gagged when he pushed his cock into her throat. In the meantime Philip had reached his last moments before he would cum, his cock was swollen up to the maximum already as he rammed himself into her so hard, that the desk hit against the wall with loud banging noises. “Ohgod…ohgod, I’m cumming,” he moaned as her walls got tight around his thick, slippery shaft.

Harleigh got fucked perfectly from both ends, their huge cocks filled her up and brought her to the sweetest pleasures she couldn’t even have imagined in her wildest, wettest dreams. Each one felt differently, but equally gorgeously and if she’d have to choose one, she simply couldn’t decide. She had to pull Negans cock out of her mouth, when Philip continued to hit her sweetest, most sensitive spot, until she felt her orgasm building up inside her lower abdomen. Harleigh screamed out in pleasure, as Philip made her cum all over his cock. Her juices soaked him and she began to tremble in front of him. Her ass moved back and forth, trying to match his fast, wild thrusts. She couldn’t get enough of him and wanted him to fill her up with his sweet, warm seed. He let out a moan of pleasure, as her tight walls gripped his cumming cock firmly. He had to wait for so long and now he was finally cumming deep into her. Negan wasn’t done with her yet too, he looked down at her with a smirk and then he took his cock and rubbed it along her lips, until she opened her mouth to take him inside. She continued to suck him through her orgasm and let out muffled moans as Negan thrusted his cock into her. Her lips moved up and down on his swollen shaft, until she felt him twitch. Shortly after he pulled it out and began to pump himself with his tip only an inch away from her face. She couldn’t but open her mouth as Philip continued to fuck her through her intense orgasm. Philips cock shot a huge load of his thick, hot seed into her core, as her constricting walls pumped him until he began to soften. Harleigh came slowly down from her intense high, as Philip pulled his wet cock out of her. Just in the same moment Negan pumped his cock, until he released his seed on her face. She opened her mouth and sticked out her tongue to taste his milky, salty seed. Negan threw his head back as he shot his cum on her face, he pumped his cock, until it began to soften, then he cupped her cheek and rubbed his seed onto her lips. Harleigh sucked on his thumb with a smile, she had never felt so pleasured before. Negan helped her up and kissed his own flavour off her lips, while Philip caressed her hips from behind. “This was good…,” he whispered into her ear with a pleased smirk and she turned her head to look at him with a smile. “I told you so,” Harleigh said, whiping off the rest of Negans essence from her mouth, before she kissed Philip passionately, as his hands rubbed her tummy from behind. She enjoyed being in a sexy sandwich with these two hot men, who had pleasured her until utter exhaustion and were both gentle and kind, holding her in a loving embrace, now. After a short pause she smiled and looked up at them both. “How about lunch break tomorrow?” She asked with a smirk.

#twd #fan fiction #philip blake #negan #harleigh #smut fanfiction

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super-theelites-club-stuff · 5 years

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Acer Aspire 3004WLCi - A Quick Testimonial

I just recently discovered myself in need of a new laptop. With a limited budget plan and modest needs, I knew it had not been mosting likely to be simple to discover a product that would certainly do what I desired as well as still be in my cost array.

As a Network Technician as well as a Web Developer, I needed a maker that would certainly have adequate storage to save all my software program, jobs for my clients, and also still be able to handle a periodic short-lived operating system backup from a customer's device. The qualifying candidate also had to have a respectable quantity of RAM and also a reasonably quick processor to keep up with the demands of multitasking as well as utilizing Workshop MX '04 each day.

At first, I checked the public auction websites, the reconditioned outlets, as well as the wholesale storage facilities. I located a couple of good deals for under $500, but nothing that would certainly deal with the handling load that Studio MX 2004 would certainly put on it. The average maker had 256MB of PC133 RAM, a 20GB HDD, and also a 1.0 GHz Pentium processor. Not as well shabby for a pupil device, but also for everyday service in the fields I operate in, not virtually enough space or power to keep up with my needs.

I rapidly realized that a new laptop would certainly be needed in order to meet my needs. Understanding that most decent laptop computers are valued at over $1,000, I had not been anticipating a great deal when I began looking around. However, to my surprise, a regional retail chain had a special operating on the Acer Aspire 3004WLCi for $600 after a $150 refund. This was the top end of my spending plan, however the specifications were even more than what I thought I would find in this rate variety.

Quick Specs: AMD Mobile Sempron 3100+ (1.8 GHz) w/ 256K L2 cache 512MB DDR333 SODIM RAM (expandable to 2GB). 60GB 4200rpm Disk Drive. 15.4 Wide Screen WXGA Screen. CD-RW/DVD-ROM Combination Drive. 3 USB 2.0 Ports (1 front/ 2 side). Front Audio/ Microphone jacks. Integrated Microphone/ Speakers. Integrated Sound Controller. Integrated Video Clip Controller (as much as 128MB shared). Integrated 56Kbps Data/Fax Modem. Integrated 802.3 10/100 Ethernet NIC. Integrated 802.11 b/g WiFi. Optimum display resolution: 1280 x 800. External monitor maximum resolution: 2048 x 1536. One kind II PCMCIA Slot. A/C Power Adapter/ 4-cell lithium-ion battery. 1.5" Hx14.3" Wx11" D/ 6.2 lb. w/ Battery. Microsoft Windows XP Residence SP2.

OK, before I go into the Advantages and disadvantages of this system, allow me initial state this ... As a Network technician, I'm a bit of an unfamiliar person to Acer items. I have actually seen them previously, but I have actually never ever used them. In a sector controlled by Dells and HPs, Acer appeared even more of an "off-brand" to me. With that said in mind, I had not been expecting a whole lot for my cash. Fortunately, I was not dissatisfied, but neither was I totally incorrect.

Additionally, it is worthy to keep in mind that prior to I used this maker, XP Residence was trashed for XP Expert SP2 and I underwent the system and also did numerous minor software program performance tweaks on the operating system; all of which can be done making use of the indigenous Windows XP Pro utilities.

Pros:. The Acer Aspire 3004 WLCi is a sensibly powerful system for $600. Even at the initial $750, this system is hard to defeat in the performance division. The Sempron 3100+ cpu is surprisingly rapid and capable. It dealt with running Dreamweaver MX 2004, Fireworks MX 2004, Microsoft Word 2003, Microsoft OneNote 2003, Firefox 1.5, Net Traveler 6.0, Opera 8.5, Resize Internet Browser, CPick, Java JRE, NOD32 Anti-Virus, Hotmail Popper, as well as a number of system services and also minor utilities running in the history simultaneously and also really did not whine or produce any type of inappropriate continual CPU use spikes. This is partially because of the generous as well as fast 512MB of DDR333 RAM, yet nevertheless, the cpu surprised this veteran AMD individual.

The 60GB hard disk drive gives an adequate amount of storage space for average individuals. It is on the lower end of my requirements, yet adequately huge enough to deal with all my mounted software application, over 12GB of solution software application required for service telephone calls, all my client jobs, as well as it still has adequate area left over to easily suit a 20GB customer system back-up.

Additionally, this system has a great Broadcom Wi-fi controller. In my 3 tale condominium, which has outstanding insulation, this system can be used anywhere in my home with a signal strength of "Excellent" to "Superb".

The system is ergonomically set out. I have rather huge hands, as well as most modern-day laptops are completely as well little for me to realistically utilize for any kind of extended time period. Usually, within 20 or 30 minutes, my wrists and also hands start to hurt from attempting to keep an extremely abnormal placement in order to type the documents I'm working on. Not so with the Aspire 3000 series. These laptop computers have a fairly huge framework with a keypad that is nearly best for someone with huge hands. I've in fact discovered that I can kind nearly as fast (about 35wpm) on this laptop as I can on my desktop computer system that has an ergonomic split key-board (40wpm).

Cons:. If you're searching for a Multimedia system, or if you intend to do any kind of graphics extensive pc gaming, keep looking; this system is except you. Despite the widescreen WXGA display, this equipment is not well suited for viewing DVDs. The incorporated video clip controller is only acceptable and the monitor needs a lot of "fiddling" with in order to find the "ideal" setting for seeing. In addition, the glare on the screen of this unit is awful. I've found that in the majority of brilliantly lit spaces I'm spending even more time stressing my eyes to see past my own reflection. Additionally, the viewing angle is unimpressive. If you try to watch the screen from anything greater than 15 levels in any kind of direction, you're either looking at a washed out or adverse variant of the original. I have actually never been a big follower of LCD. I've always felt that a top quality CRT always looks much better, but this display is extra reminiscent of a LCD of 3 years back than an all new item.

The incorporated audio and video clip controllers are a definite aching spot as well. I have actually constantly favored development controllers over incorporated controllers, but in this rate array, I understood I would be stuck with the mediocre quality of an incorporated controller. No surprise here. As usual, the quality as well as efficiency is mediocre with these controllers, but for my demands, they do the job. However, if you intend on paying attention to any type of audio playback on this device, you had better pack a quality collection of earphones. The little speakers on this equipment are awful seeming. Again, no huge shock.

Now, concerning battery life. I do not know that supervised of specifying this facet of this machine, but they need a checkup from the neck up. Battery performance on this device is definitely unacceptable. Unless you tune the system down significantly, it is very difficult to squeeze more than an hour of actual functional time out of this system's battery life. The maker states that it will certainly run for 1.5 hours on the battery. I have actually never ever been able to get more than a hr out of the unit. In this day and age, this is not acceptable. Luckily, there are extremely couple of celebrations when I require to utilize this system where I'm not close to a power electrical outlet.

My only other major issue is the lack of expandability of this system. You get two SODIM sd card slots (full of 256MBx2 sticks from the manufacturing facility), three USB 2.0 ports and also a Type II PCMCIA port on this equipment, which's it. No internal growth abilities, no firewire, no serial or parallel connections, and also you can not switch out the combo drive quickly. Provided the cost variety of this system, I'm really not shocked, yet I am a little bit disappointed. Luckily, there are an abundance of USB adapters available that enable me to do whatever is needed.

Recap:. If you just require a basic system for job or college associated jobs the Acer Aspire 3004WLCi is a strong entertainer that can handle typical use with ease. I would certainly advise this unit to college students or taking a trip experts who require an affordable, user-friendly laptop computer, yet that do not plan on using their laptop on batteries really typically, or that do not plan on playing many games or movies. For the cost conscious consumers available, this system is definitely worth the cash. In my simple viewpoint, you obtain more than what you spend for, but not by much.

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gethealthy18-blog · 6 years

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2018 Ultimate Holiday Gift Giving Guide (For Everyone on Your List!)

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2018 Ultimate Holiday Gift Giving Guide (For Everyone on Your List!)

I don’t know about you, but this time of year can be a little hectic for me! With Thanksgiving, Christmas, and several family birthdays, there is a lot to plan and a lot of gifts to wrap. We try to stick to experiences instead of stuff as much as possible (here are some of my best ideas), especially with our own kids, but also usually give one physical gift per family member.

Also, for extended family and close friends that we don’t live close enough to share experiences with, we send small gifts as well. I know it seems early, but I try to get my shopping done now so that I can savor and enjoy the holidays while knowing gifts are already wrapped!

This holiday gift guide is a compilation of the best gifts we’ve ever received and the ones that are favorites to give. As much as possible, all these gifts are eco-friendly and limit plastic whenever possible. They are also natural, organic, and health-promoting.

My Natural + Eco-Friendly Gift Giving Guide!

I’ve included my favorite gifts for every member of the family, age group, and interest level, so keep scrolling if you need ideas for a specific family member. They go in rough age order (adults down to babies) and then special interest gift ideas are below that (for the chef, the grandparents, white elephant gifts, etc).

Important: Please note that many of the links in this guide are affiliate links. This means that if you purchase through these links, the price will be the same for you and I’ll receive a small commission that helps support my blog and my family. Many thanks!

Gifts for Mom (That She Won’t Just Pretend She Loves)

As a kid, we always got my mom new kitchen gear and equipment as gifts. I remember feeling a little guilty because my brother and I got toys and fun gifts, and I always thought she got the short end of the stick just getting kitchen items that she used for us. Then, I became a mom myself and developed a love for cooking, and now I get just as excited about new kitchen essentials. This list includes some of the best practical gifts for moms, as well as some pampering and relaxing ones!

Amazon Prime Membership – Get free 2-day shipping on many items, plus free streaming music and movies.

or Real Plans Membership – My biggest time saver – this plans all of my meals and shopping lists and can handle allergies, bulk prep day and more!

Shiatsu Massage Pillow – Seriously rivals an actual massage for half the price!

Hydroflask Water Bottle – The water bottle I use that keeps water cool (or hot) for days!

Complete Facial Kit – Amazing facial oil with the highest quality ingredients and no junk!

RTIC Tumbler – Great for hot or cold drinks.

Wake-up Light Gentle Alarm Clock – Wake up gently to gradual light and sound

Himalayan Salt Lamp – Soothing warm orange glow at night from these beautiful lamps.

Blue Blocker Glasses – I wear these after dark for better sleep (some studies show that avoiding blue light after dark helps melatonin levels).

Sleep Master Sleep Mask – Great for travel – a sleep mask that is actually comfortable!

10,000 Lux Happy Light – Feel blue in the winter? I use this super-bright light to keep my cortisol levels healthy.

Anything Le Creuset – Incredible (but pricey) dishes. I’ve been collecting a few pieces over the years and resisting the urge to buy it all!

Microwaveable Slippers – Does someone you love always get cold? These slippers have microwaveable pads that stay warm.

Dry Brush – Brushing isn’t just for hair and teeth. Brushing skin can help it stay smooth, supple, and may improve collagen.

Low EMF Hair Dryer – Did you know that hairdryers produce a lot of EMFs?

French Press Coffee Maker – Make wonderful coffee with this classic method.

Instant Pot – Revolutionize dinner! This electric pressure cooker makes roasts in about an hour and turns tough cuts of meat into deliciously tender meals.

Grown-up Coloring Book and Markers – Coloring isn’t for kids anymore and studies show it may reduce stress levels. Try a “grown-up coloring book.”

Kokomo Cream Organic Deodorant – This natural deodorant smells like the tropics and lasts for months.

A good book – Just off the top of my head… maybe The Wellness Mama 5-Step Lifestyle Detox or The Wellness Mama Cookbook? 🙂 Ok, I’m biased, but it’s a great way to have all of the best recipes and health hacks on the site at your fingertips.

Blackout Curtains – Even a little light can interfere with sleep quality. We use blackout curtains to keep our room really dark.

Wine Bottle Tiki Torch – Upcycle old wine bottles with these adorable tiki-torch kits.

Gifts for Dad (No Ties or PJs on This List)

I’ve always had the most difficult time finding good gifts for the men in my life, especially my husband. He has incredibly high standards for products and prefers really high-quality items that last forever. These have been some of his favorite gifts in recent years and they might be perfect for the guys on your list too. (Also, check the lists below for more specific ideas for dads who travel a lot or who love the outdoors!)

Magnetic Wrist Band – Holds nails and screws for the handyman!

Fire Starter Kit – Useful tool to start fires without matches or a lighter.

Blue Blocking Glasses -These glasses help reduce eye fatigue from computers and reduce blue light for better sleep.

Lifestraw or Sawyer Water Filter – Survival water filter that fits in your pocket.

Comfy Slippers – My husband loves these slippers he got a couple of years ago.

Heat Proof BBQ Gloves – For the man who likes to grill, these gloves will protect his hands.

Smart Wool Socks – Warm but not sweaty and they keep feet dry. Great for hiking or everyday use.

Surefire Flashlight – High quality and super bright pocket flashlight.

Wine Aerator – Pour wine through this to improve flavor.

30-day Lantern for Camping – A really long lasting lantern for the outdoorsman who loves to camp.

Esse 3 Knife – Really high-quality multi-use knife.

Saddleback Leather Wallet – This wallet has a 100-year warranty!! (yes, really!)

Quality Shaving Kit OR Beard Oil– Great options for the clean-shaven or bearded man in your life!

RTIC Insulated Tumbler – This insulated large mug keeps things cold for up to 24 hours and hot for up to 12.

Hydroflask Insulated Water Bottle – Insulated water bottle that keeps water cold for days.

Backjoy Seat – Does your guy sit a lot? This may help improve posture and alleviate tension in the back.

Defender Phone Case or Tablet Case – Protect him from EMFs when using electronics.

Tactical Pen – More than just a pen, it works in all conditions and can break a car window if a person is trapped.

ENO Hammock – Portable hammock that fits in a small bag and is great for travel and camping.

Tactical Backpack – For the outdoorsman, this bag holds everything he could need.

Tool Pen – Available in hex and mini-tools for easy use.

Whiskey Stones – Freeze these rocks to use in place of ice in drinks “on the rocks.”

Gifts for Older Kids & Teens

My older kids have gotten harder to shop for, but these gifts all got their seal of approval!

Buddha Board – A relaxing way to paint with just water (it evaporates and you can paint again).

Leather Journal – A beautiful leather journal for sketching or journaling.

Japanese Puzzle Box – These beautiful puzzle boxes are a unique way for older kids to keep valuable items safe and fun to learn.

Rubix Cube (or Giant Rubix Cube) – The 1980s called, but we told it we are keeping the Rubix Cube. Older kids love learning to solve this.

Star Wars Legos – Popular among big kids and teens with dozens to choose from.

Build Your Own Programmable Robot Kit – A favorite with my oldest. Build a robot and program it!

Grown-Up Coloring Books – Coloring isn’t just for little kids anymore. These “adult coloring books” are very detailed and studies show that coloring is relaxing.

Boogie Board – Reusable board that encourages doodling and drawing.

Kindle Fire – An affordable tablet with a lot of capabilities.

Runaway Alarm Clock – Does your teen have trouble waking up? This alarm clock runs away and keeps making noise until caught!

Natural Makeup Brushes – If your teen is old enough to wear makeup, these natural brushes are great!

Power Cube Wall Adapter – Surge protector and charges multiple devices at once.

Collapsible Duffel Bag – Great bag for short trips that collapses to a tiny size.

Minnetonka Chrissy Boots (for teenage girls) – Super comfy boots!

Cash inside a Money Maze Puzzle Box – Give money so they can get what they like, but make it fun by hiding it inside this puzzle cube.

No Crease Ponytail Holders – These are really popular right now. They are gentle on hair and don’t leave a crease!

Travel Hammock – Have an outdoorsy teen? These travel hammocks collapse small and are awesome.

Pocket Strings Guitar – A fun way to learn guitar! Fits easily in a backpack.

Gift Ideas for Younger Kids

There are certainly the most options to choose from when looking for gifts for children, but I’ve found that many are lower-quality plastic items that break easily and release harmful endocrine disrupting chemicals into the home or that only facilitate one activity. These are a few of the gifts I’ve found in recent years that have survived the durability test of our house and that the children have enjoyed the most:

Gym 1 Indoor Doorway Gym – Our kids’ favorite Christmas gift of all time. It is a gym that mounts in a door frame and they use it every day.

Snap Circuits – Really neat kit that lets kids learn about electricity by building different types of basic machines like a fan, a radio, etc.

Art Kit – A favorite among our girls. This kit contains markers, paints, colored pencils, and more.

Seedling Wooden People kit – Kids can create mini wooden people.

Mini Trampoline for Indoor Play – We’ve had a trampoline in our house for years and it is great for cold or rainy days. Rebounding (bouncing) is also great for adults!

Wooden Twig Colored Pencils – Wooden colored pencils made from twigs. Good size for younger kids just learning to write and draw.

Wooden People and Craft Supplies – Our kids loved making their own little wooden dolls with these.

Plasma Car – Our little kids love these and they are great for kids of all sizes.

Natural Paints – Made from natural earth pigments.

Design Your Own Superhero Cape – A fun activity that encourages creativity and is great for imaginative play.

Microscope Kit – My oldest loved looking at hair, dirt, and all kind of other things in this microscope.

Crayon Rocks – Portable and fun for littles who still have trouble with regular crayons.

Or Beeswax Crayons – Triangular crayons made of natural beeswax.

Doll House – Fits Barbie size dolls and other smaller dolls.

Stainless Steel Play Kitchen Pots and Pans – My daughters play kitchen with these for hours!

Beginner Piano Keyboard (and free Hoffman Academy Lessons) – These are a great way to get the kids started with music.

Boogie Board – A reusable writing tablet that encourages creativity.

Sun Art – Fun educational craft idea that kids love.

Kendama Game – Fun interactive game that encourages movement.

Gifts for Babies (and Expecting Parents)

There are literally thousands of options for gifts for babies, but many of them contain endocrine disrupting plastics or will just never get used. With over a decade of parenting and six kids, these are the gifts, toys, and gear that made the cut for us.

Pregnancy Affirmation Cards – I love these sweet cards that encourage pregnant moms!

Organic Mattress Cover – Protect baby from mold and allergens in mattresses.

Organic Cotton Crib Sheet – Soft organic sheet for crib.

Organic Muslin Swaddling Blankets – My favorite blankets that are perfect for swaddling or nursing.

Snot Sucker – Not as gross as it sounds and a lifesaver if baby is sick!

Baby Bouncer – This bouncer actually bounces! Rock with a foot to keep baby asleep.

Food Grade Silicone Fruit Teethers – A favorite with my 9-month-old!

Hape Wooden Toys – I love these high-quality wooden toys!

Ergo Organic Baby Carrier – A great organic baby carrier that is comfortable for mom or dad too!

Sophie the Giraffe – This teething toy has a passionate following with the under-one-year crowd!

Fleece Newborn Booties – Babies always manage to lose socks, but these stay on and keep toes warm!

Manhattan Toys Rattle and Clutching Toy – Little ones love this engaging wooden toy.

Natural Rubber Orthodontic Pacifier – For babies who will take a pacifier, try this natural rubber option.

Baltic Amber Teething Necklace – May help soothe teething pain.

Manhattan Toys Circle Toy – A beautiful and fun toy that baby love to play with.

Natural Rubber Teething Toy – The only toy my baby prefers to my finger when teething gets bad.

Organic Cotton Teether – An organic cotton and wood teething toy option.

Shea Moisture Baby Wash and Lotion – Fabulous smelling baby wash and lotion without the junk!

Animalz Wooden Animal Toys – Adorable and durable wooden animal toys.

Gifts for the Chef or Foodie

Does someone in your life love to cook (or eat)? These gifts make spending time in the kitchen so much fun!

Stainless Steel Coffee Percolator – No plastic, no junk, just awesome coffee that stays warm for hours in this all-stainless percolator.

Blendtec or Vitamix – both are amazing blenders that will last for years!

Stainless Steel Immersion Blender – Great for sauces, smoothies, blending things in a pot or pan and so much more.

Yogurt Maker – Homemade yogurt tastes so much better than store bought and is simple to make.

Ice Cream Maker – Make any kind of ice cream: dairy-free, sugar-free, etc.

Lead-free Crock Pot – A great slow cooker with a lead-free crock.

Instant Pot – This electric pressure cooker has almost replaced our slow cooker and I use it at least three times a week.

Crinkle Cutter – So the kids can help cut food for meals.

Stainless Steel Bowls – Great for mixing, serving, and storage.

Spiral Slicer – Make vegetables into noodles with this spiral slicer.

Stainless Steel Straws – Replace disposable straws forever with these steel straws.

Huck Towels – Similar to the towels they use in emergency rooms… these towels are super absorbent, great for cleaning and easy to wash.

Mason Jars + Cuppow Lids + Sprouting Lids – Use mason jars for cups and the opportunities are endless.

Kombucha Brewing Supplies – Do you drink kombucha? If so, do you make your own? It is so much better and the flavors are endless.

Dehydrator – Preserve foods with a stainless steel dehydrator.

Xtrema Cookware – Scratch-proof ceramic pans.

Bamboo Utensils – These inexpensive bamboo utensils are great for cooking.

Stainless Steel Large Baking Dish – These have been a lifesaver when cooking for large get-togethers with family and friends.

Glass Electric Tea Kettle – Make tea in seconds with this glass electric tea kettle.

Salt Block for Cooking – I love cooking fish, meat and even baked goods on a salt block for amazing flavor.

Premium Milk Frother – If you want to spring for an unusual (and more pricey) gift, this milk frother makes coffee shop worthy froth for coffee.

Organic Spice Set – These super high-quality organic spices (from my favorite olive oil makers) are beautifully packaged and come in ready-made blends like Smoky, Tex-Mex, Savory, Taco, Bagel, and more to make flavorful cooking easy.

Gift Ideas for the Grandparents

Our parents both live nearby and are involved in our kids’ lives. I always struggle with what to get them that somehow says “thanks for everything you did for me all of those years and thanks for being just as awesome with my kids.” We usually give them something handmade from the grandkids, but these are some other ideas that have been a hit. (Some of these are also ideas for this year, so Mom, if you’re reading this … don’t read past here. 😉 )

Amazon Prime Membership – What my parents are getting this year (don’t tell them!). This gives them free 2-day shipping on many items and free streaming of many movie and music.

Photo Frame – This photo frame was a hit a few years ago with our parents. No fancy motion detectors, wi-fi, bluetooth or anything else that can stop working.

Kindle Fire – My brother got my mom a Kindle a couple of years ago and she uses it quite a bit.

Terracotta Plant Waterer – Perhaps not the most fancy of gifts, but very practical for anyone with house plants (I just ordered some). It upcycles a glass bottle to water a plant for weeks.

Wine Subscription – If your parents are wine-drinkers, they will love this wine subscription box of organic biodynamic wines.

Royally Flawless Face Oil – Ditch all the overpriced anti-aging creams out there. This oil uses high-quality ingredients for real results.

Shiatsu Massage Pillow – I got this for my mom last Christmas and she uses it all the time.

Glass Electric Tea Kettle – For tea-drinkers, this electric glass tea kettle makes tea available almost on demand.

Instant Pot – The grandparents love it for all the reasons we love it- faster and more nutritious meals!

The Grandparent Book Journal – A sweet way to encourage kids and grandparents to spend time together and a beautiful keepsake of family history.

Or anything on the lists above that they will love!

“Just in Case” Gifts

These inexpensive gifts are great to have on hand for when someone drops by with a gift or to take to party hosts. I keep several of these wrapped to give when someone brings a gift by unexpectedly:

Electric Wine Bottle Opener – A fun way to open up a bottle of wine.

RTIC Tumbler – Great for keeping drinks hot or cold while on the go.

Bottle of Wine – We have a subscription to these delicious biodynamic wines, so I always have an extra bottle on hand.

Grocery Bag Carrying Handles – They make carrying all those bags of groceries a lot easier!

Bag of Organic Coffee – Who doesn’t love coffee, especially when it’s organic and fair trade?

Hario Mizudashi Cold Brew Iced Coffee Pot/Maker – I’m a big fan of cold brew coffee and this is a great way to make it.

Car Diffuser – Keep the car smelling great all year long!

Mason Jar Solar Light – Add some beautiful ambiance to any room with these solar lights.

Mason Jar with Drinking Lid – Ditch the plastic and drink out of old-school mason jars!

Funny Gifts for Dirty Santa and Gift Exchanges

These are some of my favorite funny gift ideas for dirty santa or white elephant gift exchanges. Sure to get lots of laughs!

Toilet Light – For those night time bathroom trips.

Nap Sack Prank Box – Take a nap anywhere with this hood.

Prank Pack Crib Dribbler – A fun prank for baby someone with a baby.

iDrive Prank Pack – This is just hilarious!

“You Parked Like An Idiot” Cards – I think my husband would actually use these!

Slipper Genie Mopping Slipper – This might actually get my kids to help sweep the floor more often.

The Obsessive Chef Cutting Board – For the OCD chef.

Pooping Pooch Calendar – Yep, it’s exactly what you picture… perfect (or awful?!) for the dog lover in your family!

Banana Slicer – If you’re going to eat bananas, why not slice it correctly?

Cards Against Humanity – These are incredibly irreverent, but will have you on the floor laughing for hours.

Maybe Swearing Will Help Coloring Book and Markers – For the potty mouth (or clean mouth?) in your life 🙂

Family Gifts & Outdoor Fun Gifts

If you’re like us and often choose family gifts that the whole family can enjoy (or enjoy better health because of), you might love these options. This list also includes outdoor activity gifts that we use and love.

Sauna – This is one gift that will have long-lasting health benefits. It isn’t an inexpensive gift, but one that family can enjoy all year.

Joovv Light – Like the sauna, this gift also brings the benefit of boosting health. Red light therapy is well-studied for its skin and mitochondria benefits and this is one of my favorite parts of my daily routine.

Rapid Release – Like a chiropractor and a massage therapist built into one. This device is designed to release muscle tension and it works! I love this thing.

Myobuddy – A percussive heated massager that targets muscle and fascia. A lot of people use this for cellulite, I just use it for relaxation and fascia massage.

Wholetones Music Subscription – Uses soothing music with targeted sound frequencies to induce health benefits like stress reduction, focus, sleep… and yes, it works even for kids! I love this one too because it isn’t a physical item to store around the house.

Organic & Natural Mattresses – This was our gift to each other one year and we love our mattress. We have an Intellibed and love it, but My Green Mattress is also a great option and not as pricey.

Natural Cookware – I got some of this cookware for Christmas years ago and have been using it since then!

Matching Organic Jammies – Switching to organic PJs is one way to reduce chemical exposure from clothing by half and these organic jammies are our favorites.

A Year of Wine – I love wine, but most wine is contaminated with chemicals and additives. Hubby and I give each other natural wine from Dry Farm Wines.

Trampoline – Not just for kids when you consider the lymphatic benefits of jumping!

Swing – Our kids love this backyard swing and they can all fit on it!

Slackline – Like a balance beam and trampoline in one. It encourages balance and coordinating and is hours of fun.

Ninjaline – Like monkey bars but tougher. A lot of people use these for Ninja Warrior training, but our kids just think it is fun!

Natural Beauty & Home Gifts (Ones to Buy or DIY)

Home & Beauty to DIY

I love receiving homemade gifts and making them for others. I have hundreds of DIY recipes and tutorials on the blog, but the ones on this list make the best gifts. These are especially perfect for stocking stuffers!

Home & Beauty to Buy

If you aren’t into the DIY options, here are some great store-bought alternatives:

Lotion Bars – If you’d like lotion bars similar to my recipes, but that you don’t have to make yourself, check out Made On, a small, family-owned company that makes all kinds of lotion bars, soaps, natural baby products, and hair products that are up to my standards. If you use the code WELLNESSMAMA, you’ll get a 15% discount on your order!

Alitura Skincare – Alitura uses organic botanicals and superfood ingredients to nourish the skin. This is serious skincare with the works: clay masks, intensive moisturizers, derma rollers, and more. Use the code WELLNESS for 20% off!

Toups Organics (Makeup & Beauty) – Heather of Mommypotamus introduced me to this line and they have an incredible line of clean cosmetics, lotions, and even a baking-soda free deodorant for sensitive types.

Crunchy Betty Facial Serum & Natural Deodorant: Mentioned before, but I can’t say enough about them.

Branch Basics Cleaners – I know I’d be happy to find some all-natural cleaning products (I don’t have to make) under the Christmas tree.

Vibrant Blue Oils – Wildcrafted and organic essential oil blends made to support specific health conditions. Use the code WELLNESSMAMA10 to get 10% off through December 31st.

Magnesium Oil – Spray on for relaxation, detox support, even deodorant!

Homebiotic Spray – Like a probiotic for your home, this freshens air by targeting the source of bad smells… bacteria and mold.

Genexa OTC Medicines – So much of what goes in children’s medicine is just flavors, dyes, preservatives, and fillers. Genexa is the first to come up with a line of over the counter and homeopathic medications completely free of all unnecessary additives. I give these to my kids for colds, coughs, fevers, or even just a bad night of sleep, and they’ve worked great for us.

Kid-Safe Essential Oil Roll-Ons – For sleep, headaches, cold relief, and more, without having to worry about negative side effects.

There’s probably a lot more that could be added to this list, but these are my current favorites. If you still haven’t found the perfect gift on this list, Heather shares all of her favorite natural gifts here.

What is on your Christmas list this year? What are you getting for friends and family?

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/25195/gift-giving-guide/

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