#(I'm related to Taylor and i have never been more proud | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lazaruspiss · 3 months

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DC Pride 2022

wee! i don't remember liking this one as much, but we'll see.

the foreword is very sweet, i'm endeared by it. The first story though... not so much.

"Pride's been a party for decades" - Jon Kent

Gay marriage in the United States was legalized in 2015. This story came out only 7 years after same-sex couples were legally recognized nationwide. We have also been actively dealing with anti-lgbtq legislation for a while now. It's some head in the sand bullshit.

I have strong and complicated feelings about this story. First off, I wonder how much say authors get in which character they're in charge of? Could they just not find any queer writers who knew who Jon was? This is probably the worst story I've ever seen from Devin Grayson, it's just so weirdly and blatantly tone deaf. I saw some people critique her portrayal of Damian on a racial basis when this first came out, but honestly I think it could be chalked up to that he was raised by assassins, I don't think it's an immediate racism-red flag if he's characterized a little too violently. He also very quickly shifts gears to telling Jon his dad would be proud of him, and caring about him in his own Damian way. I'm more hung up on how it's... Some of these stories are lighthearted and don't touch on oppression, but this story actively dismisses the idea of oppression. It almost feels sarcastic, a part of me yells that it's mocking Jon's shallow worldview, but that doesn't really make sense. It's weird. Damian is written off as strange and paranoid, and Jon is meant to be the main character, but it's Damian's perspective that I'm able to most relate to it through. This is also just a weird story for Devin Grayson to be writing. She thrives the most in angst/tragedy/drama, not... whatever that was.

Second of all, I can never get past Jon/Jay. Jay seems to be a queer asian character that was introduced by, as far as I'm aware, a white cishet author, and was introduced through a three page school shooting which was used solely as a plot device to make Jon look #badass. Every time Jay comes up, all I can think about is Tom Taylor's hack work and that damn school shooter introduction. Congrats to anyone who can get over that, but I cannot.

i'm too unfamiliar with the characters to properly enjoy it, but i do love the recognition for the absolute gayness that is wrestling.

i do have a soft spot for the queer stories that touch on the complexity of parent-child relationships. hawke's not really hostile but incredibly uncomfortable relationship with ollie hits a specific nerve. a few of the stories in '21 were like that too, where they build onto some specific yet relatable struggles that children and their parents run into. the letter, the metaphors, everything about this one is so sweet. another tear-jerker for me tbh. seeing damian and hawke interact at the end is so cute, and i do kinda wish that the gang from lazarus island could've stuck around and been damian's "ensemble cast" so to speak. ah well. they'll have a groupchat in my heart.

not to be a downer again, but the stories that reference the very real struggles that queer people still face really serve to make the first story feel worse and worse. anyways, god i love alysia. yeah i don't have anything interesting to say, this comic was more action focused which isn't my strong suit, but it's a fun read.

it's nice to see a light-hearted meeting the family scene every once in a while. i'd say this story does a better job than the last one of making me feel for jackson, and gives a bit about his backstory. i don't know how it lines up with the rest of his comics, but it stands alone nicely. it also ventures into feelings of displacement, home, family. i like it.

are noir wlw a thing now. they should be a thing. i think as far as stories that're in direct reference to a different series go, this one manages to not be too confusing when going in blind. the cannibalism could very well be a metaphor, and the story touches on what is pretty specifically a biphobia thing, which is all pretty interesting. im also a sucker for "monochromatic comic gains color at the very end to portray a change for the better" ngl.

they act like ray shunned his bf but like. he gently blocked a kiss and whispered that he didn't want to in front of the team. i get that the message is about internalized shame and all that, but what they call "freak out" i call "gently setting a boundary".

simple, to the point, made me tear up. again.

tim story :/ i like him i swear, he's just been so boring recently. it's simple fluff. there's just none of the insanity or weirdness that made me like tim and bernard in the first place is all.

i absolutely adore the art in this one. are they play fighting to figure out who gets to top? it sounds like they're play fight to see who gets to top. harlivy canon prey roleplay and/or CNC kink? very cute end, if not a bit corny. we now know they're top4top.

both jesse's stories end up feeling more "flash" than "pride", but they're still fun. also holy shit earth-11 dami and jon are SO cute what the hell??? dami w the buns and the sleeveless top and the belt, jon w the headband and the ripped leggings under her shorts, ohhh im so in love. fem klarion is also super cute. i wasnt expecting the masc donnaraven but ill take it.

you know that thing in shows where the single tear rolls down? yeah. it's a must read, really. devastating and healing all the same.

#DC does is gay?

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my-castles-crumbling · 6 months

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To Swiftie anon

Responding like this is I can put a "read more" under the TW

TW: SI

hi cas! Swiftie anon btw. Sorry I haven’t messaged in a while, I got grounded for waking up too late for like a week, and I’ve been having standardized testing so I wanted to sleep a little earlier the past few nights, so I’ve been binging your posts. anyway, I’ve been feeling better recently, the day I got grounded was really, really bad for me, and I couldn’t text the hotline, so…yeah. My brother helped a lot, calming me down, but I started hyperventilating again, and started digging my nails into my skin again. The first few days of being grounded were rough, and I really just wanted everything to end. I couldn’t come up with anything to do bc I was basically cut off from the world, I couldn’t listen to music, or watch anything to comfort me.

I think not having as many things to distract me also makes me feel a lot worse and, you know, my parents calling me stupid and saying I’ll end up alone doesn’t help either.

I did end up reading 20-ish books last week, which is insane bc that’s like 3 books a day. I’ve been doing better bc escapism and I’ve actually been working on some wips which I haven’t done in months.

I’ve been texting the hotline whenever I feel too down, but there’s going to be a new Taylor album in a few days, and I’m already feeling the dopamine hit. overall, I’m doing better, I’ve been having problems with my (self-diagnosed) anxiety, and I’ve started hyperventilating a lot more, but that might be my asthma and allergies acting up.

I’ll try to message more often, bc I kinda need this, and hearing from you is nice, you can tell me if it annoys you.

what track of the tortured poets department are you most excited for?

Hi, hon!

I'm so glad to hear from you! <3 I SO happy that you've been texting the hotline and talking to your brother, that makes me so proud of you! I know it can be so hard to reach out for help, so to do that is a really big deal. You should be proud of yourself, too <3

You are ALWAYS welcome to message me, it's never annoying. Just remember if I don't get back to you right away to try to use that hotline for help, so you can continue taking care of yourself, because your safety is most important, okay?

I think I'm most excited for I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) because...relatable. And also The Black Dog because Marauders.

Sending you love <3

#ask #asks #ask cas #swiftie anon #tw: si

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railingsofsorrow · 2 years

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Anti-Hero

[jj maybank x reader]

SONG INSPIRATION » ANTI-HERO by taylor swift

[ part of the “taylor swift anthology”]

summary: with summer comes changes and you all for it. except when those changes brings a truth you don't want to accept. and your best friend is responsible for leaving you intrigued.

or, in which you and jj have become closer during summer, but growing feelings make you push him away. it might take a storm for you to figure out what you really want.

pairings: jj maybank x kook!fem!reader

w.c: 1.9K

warnings/content: insecurities; self doubt (conversations about not deserving someone); mataphors about drowning (nothing bad happens!); a storm™; sarah cameron gives great advice <3

navi

masterpost

A/N: found this in my WIPS and thought it fit anti-hero pretty well. this is my interpretation of the song which I relate a lot. + we got obx s3 being released tmr and this is kind of a celebration to it (I miss my boys and my girls). good reading!

A/N²: poorly edited. I'm sleepy.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

❝ it's me, hi, I'm the

problem, it's me. ❞

➶ ➷

“I see what you do when you get attached, you know?” Sarah broke the silence after a few minutes. Her hair had gotten a lighter shade of blonde over the summer, you noticed.

It wasn't the only thing that changed in Sarah Cameron during the summer. Your best friend had gotten stronger, much different from when she was last year, less judgemental about certain subjects her dad brainwashed her with.

You were proud of her. So incredibly proud for what she had become.

One thing, however, had not changed at all: how well she was able to read you.

You changed as well. For the better? For the worst? You weren't sure. You just know that your friends had become your family more than anyone else in your life. And you were grateful for that. Maybe, they were a big part of your change during the summer, too.

The dirty haired blond with toned body that surfed the harsh waves in front of you was definitely responsible for those changes, too. You couldn't deny it; you just didn't say it out loud.

“Attached to what?” You replied after a while of observing the boy. He hipnotized you some times. JJ Maybank had a way with you you'd never understand fully.

“Attached to someone, romantically.” Sarah specified, giving you a look to let you know she knew you weren't paying attention. “You're doing it to him.”

You shifted on the towel, feeling apprehensive. Sarah had become fucking bold, huh?

No. She had always been like that.

“I don't even know what you're talking about, Sarah.” You said, playing dumb.

“Yes, you do. I can see it in your face. You venture with someone new, have fun, and as soon as your heart gives that little jump you run away.”

You rolled your eyes, turning to look at your other friends who were engaged in a calm conversation. You watched as John B. pecked Sarah's lips and sprinted towards the sea with his board.

“He cares about you. More than you see,” Sarah's smile died down as his boyfriend dove in and she turned to you again, nudging your thigh with hers. “JJ is a good guy, you know? Which, of course, that does not give anyone a hundred percent certainty of no heartbreak—”

You groan, burying your face in the towel as you spun on your back to the sun.

“Sarah—”

“— and if he does break your heart I'll murder him—”

“Sarah!”

“—but you have to think about trying before giving up, alright?” That caught your attention so you lifted your face to stare at her bewildered. She had a look as if she knew something you didn't. “If you don't try, you'll never see if it will be worth it.”

You knew she said it from experience. Her relationship with John B. had been a shot in the dark. Before they came to know each other better. There were hardships, there were bad moments. But there were good ones. A lot of those; you saw it. And the way they looked and cared for one another... It was all worth it.

A shaky sigh left your lips as you say down again. The sun was gone and the clouds painted the sky a dark shade of gray. A storm was coming. You could feel it.

“I don't even know if he wants a relationship with me, Sarah,” you blurted out, pushing your hair back. “And—and even if he did. It would never work out. We're completely different people. Polar opposites. JJ deserves someone that is worth his time.”

The boys were surfing together, now. Hyping each other up. Kiara scolded them because of the storm and ordered them to come back.

“You're blind as fuck to not notice the way he looks at you like you're a fallen star or something,” she rolled her eyes as you started to play with the hem of your bathing suit. “You need to let yourself feel happiness. I like seeing you happy, it's an amazing sight to see my best friend happy, do you know that?”

Laying your head on her shoulder, you let out a long sigh.

“I like seeing you happy, too, Sarah. I love you.”

“Thanks, I love me, too.”

You slap her thigh, gaining a pinch in your arm. Making a face, you retracted your hand to massage the spot. Sarah grinned at you.

“And who the fuck told you you're not worth JJ's time?”

You gave her an eye-roll as your cheeks heat up. You weren't, you knew it. How could you be? You weren't half of the person you wanted to be and he deserved a hundred percent. Of everything.

JJ Maybank did not deserve halves. He deserved the whole fucking sea. What good would it be for him to have someone wearing masks because the skeletons in their closets was too much to bear?

He already had too much on his plate. You wouldn't add to it. You were the problem, not him.

Looking up at the horizon, the clouds were a deep shade of grey. You could hear the soft patter of the rain against the sand. You raised your palm to feel the tears from the sky.

“Hi,”

Sprinkles of cold water landed in your face interrupting your inner monologue. You flinched when it hit your bear back, too. It wasn't the rain. Lifting your sight to glare at dirty blonde hair and a killer smile, your eyes softened without you noticing.

“A beer for your thoughts?” He offered, plotting down next to you. Seems like none of you were bothered by the coming storm, everyone else was either still swimming or splattered around in the sand.

“Thanks,” you accepted the cold bottle with a smile, taking a sip. “Won't share anything, though.”

JJ gave you a pout, “That wasn't the deal.”

“Tough life, baby.”

His lips stretched in a soft smile. It had been a while since you said the petname. It had been a while since you've held a conversation with him, to be honest. For weeks, JJ had been trying to figure it out what he had done, how he attempted to mess up his relationship with you. It would eventually happen, he knew it. He fucks everything up at some point. Blame it on genetics.

Was it something he said? An action? Had he made you uncomfortable?

He didn't know. He just wanted to make it right again. He felt like you were slipping through his fingers, like the drops of rain falling into your hand. And even if he only were able to have your friendship, that's alright; he didn't want to lose you. Never. You were the stable path he had searched for his whole life. he couldn't miss the trail. Not again.

“You alright?” you asked, noticing the small pinch in his eyebrows as he stared unfocused at the sea. Sarah had abandoned you for John B and Kiara, they were racing each other like children. You hadn't seen when Sarah left her spot, only who took it. You haven't decided if you should be happy or frustrated. JJ seemed to show up every time your thoughts reached his persona. Leaving you unprepared.

The rain was starting to pick up. Maybe you should head in to the Chateau.

You didn't move. Neither did him.

“Yeah. Are you?” He threw the question back at you. Tis tone made you drift your attention back to be beer. You glared at it. And you also mentally glared at Sarah and her stupid words that wouldn't leave your mind.You're blind as fuck to not notice the way he looks at you like you're a fallen star or something.

“Why wouldn't I be?”

“I don't know. Can't read your mind.”

“What's the fun if you could?”

“Then I would know what I did wrong.”

You sucked in a breath, meeting his eyes without meaning to. “What?” You knuckles turned white as you held the neck of the bottle tighter. JJ didn't wavered. He was always the brave one. You were always the coward.

“You've been distant,” before you were able to protest, he rushed out, “Maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe you really are. I don't know. Did I do something to upset you?”

“No,” you said without hesitation. Because he hadn't. What was happening wasn't his fault. “I— I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.” It was yours. So for the first time —blame it on Sarah-Motherfucking-Cameron—you chose to own the truth instead of offering the easy lie.

His eyes softened. He could see the struggle in your eyes. “Are you sure? 'Cause I can handle it. You don't have to pretend I didn't fucked it up for my sake,” JJ knew you too well to know you would rather be silent than to hurt anyone with your words. Even if it would hurt you. He didn't want it with him. He wanted you to be okay. Truly okay. No masks or lies needed.

“JJ,” you whispered. “You did nothing wrong. I'm just— I'm confused, it's all. It's not your fault, if anything, it's mine.”

He frowned, “Why would it be your fault?”

You sighed, “I distanced myself. from you. I didn't meant to, but I did. It wasn't anything you did. At least not like you think.”

“Not like I think?”

You chuckled at his puzzled look.

“I care about you, JJ. So we should give up from this and just, move on to another subject. An easier one.” You pleaded.

He rasied his eyebrows, “I don't want to move on from this yet,” he felt a bit bold. “Why did you distanced yourself if it wasn't something I did?”

You stayed quiet, watching his fingers pull his now-wet strands back. Your own hair was starting to stick to your shoulders and back because of the rain. It was getting stronger. But your body was frozen because you were caught off guard. You weren't expecting this conversation to arrive today. Or ever. You would never be prepared for this.

“It was easier.”

“Easier?”

“Yes.”

“Why was it easier to be away from me?”

“Because I was drowning and even if I know how to swim I'm not sure I want to.”

Oh.

JJ was in desperate need of your full attention now. But you wouldn't meet his eyes as hard as he burned his onto your face. He was searching for answers.

“That's fine,” he said carefully, scared to drive you away again. “You don't have to keep swimming. You can just... stay afloat for a while. Rest your breath. You won't drown.” The water of the sky tasted salty in his tongue. He observed your profile paint with drops and refrained from brushing a thumb against it.

I've been drowning since the first moment I laid eyes on you. You thought, blinking fast when the rain started to lnd in your eyelashes.

“I can't stay afloat,” you croaked out softly.

“I can help you with that,” you gazed up at him. “It's not hard,” he said with a soft smile, his palm capturing a bit of the storm like you were doing previously. “You just have to believe for a second and relax. Let your mind free, you know? I'll be there the whole time, if you let me.”

Please, let me.

Please.

“What if I drift from the shore?” You frown when his hair fell right into his eyes, drenched. Holding yourself back to not push it back.

“I'll swim and bring you back.”

I'd dive into the end of the ocean to find you. JJ thought.

“I could be too far gone, Maybank.”

Because you're the antihero in your story. You sabotage and you bargain your love life for the sake of being lonely. Simply because you couldn't handle being out of control. Or being reciprocated. It was terrifying to not be loved back. But it was even more terrifying to be loved.

“Never.” he shook his head. “Only if you want to be. Do you want to be?”

Too far gone from you? No.

Never.

I can't. Not anymore.

“No,” you admit after a while. Gaze glued to his. “I don't want to be too far.”

He hums, “Then I won't let you drift away. Do you trust me?” He asked, brushing a stray strand behind your ear.

“I do,” you feel a smile creeping in your face. “Of course, I do.”

He was grinning, a happy glint in his blue eyes. Even with the rain brushing against his face like tears. He was beautiful. “Well, then we don't have much to worry about, do we?”

“No, I don't think we do.”

The storm didn't diminished. And you didn't move. Maybe you could swim close to the shore, after all.

➶ ➷

A/N: part two?

#jj mayback imagine #jj mayback x reader #jj x reader #jj x y/n #outer banks fanfiction #the taylor swift anthology

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lauravancity · 5 months

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Open Letter to Taylor Swift

I have never used Tumblr a day in my life, and wanted to come on here to write a letter to Taylor Swift! I sent a letter back in February to Taylor Nation in hopes of it getting to Taylor but I know this is such a long shot of her reading some random fans letter I tried not to get my hopes up, I've always wanted to send Taylor a letter telling her what her music means to me, and as I'm getting married in September, I thought, "Why not send her an invitation and use this as an excuse to tell her some things I've wanted to say!". I know she's insanely busy, and I don't expect to hear back or receive any recognition, but I know mail can get lost sometimes and maybe coming onto the internet would have a higher chance of her seeing it? Here's to hoping!

Anyways, the letter is posted below, anyone is welcome to read it, and I have revised it since I wrote it last as her latest album came out and I had more to say.

Dear @taylorswift,

My name is Laura, and you might be wondering why I was hoping to have you at our wedding! I first want to preface this and say I’m a huge fan of yours (from album 1), you probably get this a lot, but I remember so vividly, my mother purchasing me your debut album at 11 years old and having ‘Should’ve Said No’, ‘Picture to Burn’, and ‘Our Song’ playing over and over and over, like I had any idea at that age of what those emotions and feelings for a guy were. But I sang my heart out every time I listened to the album until it wore out and my mom had to go and purchase me a new one.

As you grow in life and with your music, I have grown with you and admired every single album and record you have put out. From Debut to The Tortured Poets Department, I couldn't imagine not enjoying them all. My most admired of yours is Folklore, you put it out to the world during a time we all needed it and this whole album you’re a lyrical genius (you always are though). Your lyricism in this album is on another level and I can have it on repeat for days on end and not get tired of it. But, I will say, I do think your new album, The Tortured Poets Department, may overtake Folklore as my new favourite. It's so hard to choose! The songs ‘My Tears Ricochet’ and 'Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me' are my favourites at this moment. It's always hard to choose a favourite and they can switch depending on the mood! Anytime I listen to an album of yours and think I know it inside and out, there is always something new I learn from you.

Needless to say, my love for you and your music has never wavered once. You have been my favourite artist for as long as I can remember, and I feel as though over the years, I have grown so much through the lyrics you write. All the genres you have gone through over the years show your growth and for many of us fans that are here through it all, it is as if you have never once let us down by changing and trying new things. Even now at 28 years old, I get giddy whenever I listen to your music, no matter how many times I've heard them!

I feel so honoured, privileged, and proud to be able to tell anyone who asks, ‘Who’s your favourite artist?’ and to be able to say you, this always puts a smile on my face. Because even though I do not personally know you, the lyrics you write are good enough for me to know that you are an amazing person, and anyone would be proud to be able to call you their favourite.

You have proven repeatedly your resilience to things in this world and your strength and I am sure it is not that easy. I relate to you on this on so many levels and this is the reason I personally feel so connected with you. I have always wanted to write to you and tell you this, especially when my mother passed away in 2011, a long time ago, but you helped me through this a lot. I felt connected to you through her as she first showed me your music and I lost something then, but you helped me to gain parts back bit by bit through your music, and I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have your music as a safe space.

Going through this wedding planning, it’s been hard not having my mother around, don’t get me wrong I have a huge support system in my fiancé, and sister-in-law, but there is nothing like a mother’s touch in these situations. Your song “Marjorie” has been hitting me a lot harder these days and it’s so easy to relate to this song. Thank you for making it a part of your Era’s Tour. The grieving process has almost felt as though it has come back and I’m going through it again while keeping it at an arm's length not wanting it to get too close. With this said, your music has been a constant repeat to get me out of my head or to accept the emotions and run with them, welcome them and not be afraid of feeling this way.

All throughout the last 10 years of my relationship with my fiancé, I have slowly progressed to making him a “Swiftie” which I have finally accomplished by going to the theatres and watching ‘The Eras Tour’ movie twice and renting it 8 times now at home and watching it multiple times through Disney+. I was so happy to finally be able to watch this and it felt good having him seeing what I have been seeing this whole time.

I hope this letter and invitation gets to you and you are able to read this, I’m sure you get many things like this, but I’m so happy to have finally been able to write this to you and would absolutely be honoured to host you.

I know you don’t come to Canada, let alone BC very often, but would be privileged if you did! We are hoping to see you in Vancouver this December for your Era’s tour instead of going on a honeymoon, he knows how much this would mean to me (we did not win the great Ticketmaster war, as you can assume!). And so, from converting my fiancé, and sister-in-law, all into Swifties, we can’t wait to hopefully see you then! After being a fan for 17 years now, I can’t think of a better concert to go to see you for the 1st time ever.

My true best regards to you and I wish you nothing but the absolute best in this life, you deserve nothing less!

All my true love and admiration,

Laura

@taylornation

#taylor swift #taylornation #ttpd era #tswift

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yolkclub · 2 years

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I haven't updated for so long I'm afraid oblivion would swallow me whole.

Nevertheless, here are my life updates so far:

Last month mark my first whole year living in London and it hasn't gotten easier, I haven't made peace with the perpetual grey sky and teas that gone cold too soon, but it's okay.

I managed to get a job that's the intersection of the two industry that I want to work in, if I ever work ever (which apparently now I do, even if its just adding headache periods and lower my eyesight ability, I'm earning money!)

My love for taylor and the 1975 has been reinstated, reinforced even by the drop of their new albums !!!!! I feel like living in 2015 again even for just for 3 days.

I went home for a whole month and met so many times with my boyfriend it felt delirious, I have never taken that many film pictures and the times spent with him? Makes me forget what depression felt like.

Even if it's just a gut feeling, I think I'm becoming wiser and love my mom even more deeply.

My relationship with my dad grow stronger–he shared his world with me slowly! I think he really is proud of me now, and he multiple times said that he miss me and my sister??? 2017-2020 me would never relate.

Unfortunately I'm suffering from damages on my face skin barrier now, which makes me hate looking at the mirror despite already installed a really cute ikea-bought mirror set up in my room.

#goodthings #goodthing #lookhelena

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323398149 · 5 months

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It's been 10 years

I'm low-key not even a swiftie anymore (kinda, sorta)

I'm living my dream career (technically) (sorta)

And it's not once an hour, it's not once a day, it's not once a week, a month, or a quarter. It's more like once a year that I miss him. It's not even miss, it's more like think about and contemplate the past and relate it to my present.

I don't even know him. I just know the concept, the memory.

And I know that even the memory was terrible and gross and toxic.

But let me explain what happened recently that triggered these annoying, lame, over-done thoughts:

I got new skincare. I've been eating and sleeping well. I've been praying/meditating. I've been maintaining a positive outlook and been happy and hopeful recently. I finally started wearing nice makeup and I finally have the most fire wardrobe rn that I coulda only dreamed of in the past.

And so I've been getting a bunch of compliments recently of ppl telling me I'm glowing. Specifically three ppl from different parts of my life all used the same word.

But the thing is that none of those compliments feel like they hold any weight.

I already pulled the hottest guy in our grade. He was in love with me. ME! AND keep in mind that that was the ugly, loser, insecure, shitty, judgemental, mean (honestly SO mean), stupid, fifteen year old version of me. Not this sorta stable, medicated, whole, adult version.

Remember that gorgeous older white girl that asked him out? Or all those gorgeous tall academic girls crowding around me in grade 12 asking me questions about him because they couldn't understand how this RUSH loser could have been worth his time? and they wanted to know everything they could find out about him from me before they made their moves. Or when tiffany didn't talk to me for a year and then later apologized because she felt bad for letting a man pit her against me. And Jessica obviously (that one was just sad). ALSO LETS REMEMBER all of this was grade 11+12 so I didn't even have any communications with him at this point but I was still being interrogated about him.

Anyways my point is lmaooooo I think when my heart broke at 16 idk but maybe a part of it really did die. It's hard to describe it but I feel like a part of me is dead inside. Ever since then, anytime I've gotten attention I haven't felt special or grateful. I almost resent it. I feel annoyed that they're telling me something I already heard in a way more special way. Like they're parroting and copying it but they'll never be able to meet the magic or rush I used to feel when he said it.

There isn't a magic to it anymore. Now love feels very clinical. I guess I stopped believing in love? I guess at too young an age I became bitter and now just chalk it up to hormones and chemical imbalances.

And recently I heard someone talking about falling in love and I literally thought "agh that sounds terrible why would anybody want to FALL in love??! sounds like it would hurt smh". I just want to gently like drift into a soft stable comfortable kindness with someone. That's all.

Anyways idk if it's the new taylor swift album coming out (which pls be proud of me I haven't heard all the way through yet and I'm hoping to never hear it and stay halal) but yeah idk if I'll ever love anybody like I did that one time at fifteen which didn't even lead to anything and had zero payoff so it feels so wasteful and annoying that it happened.

But then I think about how like what if I end up dying alone and that ends up being the only thing I ever had worth remembering so maybe it's not so bad and maybe even tho it didn't pay off in a bigger way, maybe it was worth something.

Anyways but loooooooool like LMAO don't get me wrong like I know I know let's definitely not forget that it was literally NOTHING. Absolutely nothing happened but two teenagers feeling seen by eachother.

Tbh one of us should cash out on it and write a teen novel.

Wait after typing that out I just had a terrible realization. Lmaooooo jeez Louise this is why I'm supposed to journal so I can make sense of my toxic period thoughts.

With j I felt like "well duh you should obviously be saying that to me because you don't even compare to him. You saying that does not validate me in any way. I'm out of your league." BUT GUYS IT'S NOT MAGIC HELPPPP

I think I'm just finally grown up and confident and whole??? I don't feel "magic" from external validation. I know I'm a baddie helpppppppppp which I didn't know back then. Which is why I'd probs get hella endorphin release when he'd write those damn poems because I wanted someone ELSE to tell me good things about me. But now I know them in my own brain. Woah. Big thoughts. So maybe we're grateful to him for giving me that back when I really needed the attention. And now I'm ok with dying alone loooooooool and I don't need anybody to make me feel good. How interesting.

Well that was a weirdly wholesome exercise/rant. Glad we did this lmao @ my multiple personalities. Catch y'all on the flip side.

youtube

#personal #ss24 #Youtube

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astridofraftel · 6 months

Text

reading challenge #11 (wrap-up)

Just finished: The Mark of Athena by Rick Riordan

Currently reading: The House of Hades by Rick Riordan

Next on schedule: The Blood of Olympus by Rick Riordan

I just wanted to add for myself a little conclusion to the reading challenge I did last year! I went back to university, so I had a lot less time and motivation to read for the past six months. Because of that, I didn't achieve my goals in the end, but that's alright, I'm still very proud of all the dusting-off I did! My TBR pile is much more manageable now, so I will not be keeping up with this challenge in 2024 (I barely read anything not Percy Jackson-related since January, anyway).

So, if anyone is interested in random lists of books, in 2023 I checked off my program:

(FR) Le Prieuré de l'Oranger (The Priory of the Orange Tree) by Samantha Shannon

(FR) La voleuse de livres (The Book Thief) by Markus Zusak

(FR) L'École des femmes + Le Misanthrope by Molière

(EN) Babel, or the Necessity of Violence by R. F. Kuang

(EN) Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

(EN) Daughter of Smoke and Bone + Days of Blood and Starlight + Dreams of Gods and Monsters by Laini Taylor

(FR) Le Chien des Baskerville (The Hound of the Baskervilles) by Arthur Conan Doyle

(FR) Thérèse Raquin by Émile Zola

(FR) Le symbole perdu (The Lost Symbol) by Dan Brown

(FR) Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse

(FR) Il était une fois dans le Nord (Once Upon A Time In The North) by Philip Pullman

(FR) Le Roi Lear (King Lear) by William Shakespeare

(EN) The Conqueror’s Saga (And I Darken + Now I Rise + Bright We Burn) by Kiersten White

(FR) Le Flambeau + Témoin à charge by Agatha Christie

(FR) Boudicca by Jean-Laurent Del Socorro

(FR) Fantômes et kimonos by Kidō Okamoto

(FR) Dans l'ombre de Paris by Morgan of Glencoe

For a total of 23 books out of my goal of 30 that I had owned for years and never read!

Which means that my TBR pile now amounts to these 12 books (I acquired the last 4 last year so they were not included in my program):

(FR) L'Ultime Expérience by Bruce Benamran

(FR) Cinna by Corneille

(FR) Othello by Shakespeare

(EN) Three Dark Crowns (re-read) + One Dark Throne by Kendare Blake

(EN) Iskari, the Last Namsara by Kristen Ciccarelli

(EN) The Merciful Crow by Margaret Owen

(FR) Le complot des corbeaux by Ariel Holzl

(FR) La mythologie viking (North Mythology) by Neil Gaiman

(FR) La métamorphose by Franz Kafka

(EN) A Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon

(EN) The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

In addition to all that, although disregarding anything fanfictitious, last year...

(and because I barely have any self-control when it comes to books)

...I also read these, which were not initially included in my program:

(EN) And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

(EN) Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

(FR) Le château de Hurle (Howl’s moving castle) by Diana Wynne Jones

(EN) The Princess Diaries vol. 1 by Meg Cabot

(EN) Strange the dreamer + Muse of Nightmares by Laini Taylor

(EN) Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

(EN) Divergent vol. 1 by Veronica Roth

(EN) Legendborn + Bloodmarked by Tracy Deonn

(FR) Comme un vol d'étourneaux by Giorgio Parisi

(FR) Le meilleur des mondes (Brave New World) by Aldous Huxley

(EN) I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

(EN) Crooked House by Agatha Christie

(EN) Untethered Sky by Fonda Lee

(FR) La guerre des clans (Warriors) - cycle I vol. 1-6 by Erin Hunter

(EN) Tallstar’s Revenge by Erin Hunter

(FR) Le mystère de Listerdale by Agatha Christie

After all these gruesome lists, I can finally put to rest my 2023 reading challenge. Maybe one day I'll renew it, but I probably won't have the time nor the energy to schedule my readings so seriously for the next two years. It's been very fun though, also it had been the first year in quite some time that I read that much in French, and I think it did me good.

(prev)

#the end #i should have done this in January it feels so out-of-place now #welp it is what it is #reading challenge #books #my post #ramble #text

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ryanadrianprince · 1 year

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UPDATE - HOW WAS STUDYING

I was thinking and decided it would be a good idea to do a final blog post, (well, semi-final as I do see myself coming back to this blog more consistently again in the future, if I ever decide to do a PhD maybe) of how my studies went and what I have been up to now.

I remember when I decided to study for my MA in documentary photography at Westminster a few years ago, I scoured the internet looking for any reference by anyone who had studied the course or something similar. I think I found like one person's blog, and it was a big help in me making my choice to apply for the course and also showed me the type/calibre of work that might be expected of me.

So here I am hoping that I can do the same for someone else, currently typing this post so as to not leave my blog open-ended. A bit like when you find a forum of someone asking a question on the internet to which you also need an answer and no one responds. Or worse yet it has a response, a possible solution and the person asking never comes back to the forum to let us know if all his problems are solved.

To begin, I'm proud to say that I finished my course with flying colours passing with a 1st, It was tough at times but we made it! Especially studying during the COVID pandemic, I think doing the course part-time over 2 years helped A LOT and I would recommend doing a masters in that way if possible.

A few notable achievements I can mention are, I was in The Royal Photographic Society's yearly photography exhibition, which then put me on their radar to judge it the following year. I exhibited work at Photo London and Peckham 24 the same weekend which was a complete buzz and I loved it. I received a bursary from the Martin Parr Foundation which helped me buy some photography equipment, I even got to meet Martin Parr and had a cup of tea with him. I managed to have a portrait in the Taylor Wessing Portrait Prize at the National Portrait Gallery, granted it was the first time it was online due to COVID but still a big achievement! I am showing my work at a portfolio review in Switzerland coming up very soon and if things work out I should be getting my first bit of experience as an associate lecturer soon too.

So all in all studying was good for me and it went very well I feel like my career has started to really kick off since graduating! I hope anyone considering doing the same or a similar course finds my blog and this post and gets some form of inspiration from me, the same way I did when was contemplating it and I found that other person's blog. Lastly, I'm fairly happy for people to reach out if they have any questions related to photography or studying.

Good Luck.

#documentary photography #photojournalism #university of westminster #photography

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harryhandstan · 1 year

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lindseyyyyyy

SUPER BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁😽😽🥳🥳🥳🥳

(im sorry that was super late)

its crazy how fast a year goes by. i hope youre doing better now after the accident :(( what happened?? you dont have to answer if u dont want to ofc!!

i honestly have no words. im sorry you had to go through all that :(( i wish i could take away the pain ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

i am soooo happy and excited for you! you and your family deserve to live a peaceful life!! i honestly have no idea what its like in georgia but i hope you find somewhere safe!! maybe you could try to find a remote job if you wanted to stay in the area?? and honestly f*** your dad. you don’t deserve any kind of negativity im so proud of u for sticking up for yourself and your family!

ive got one year left!!! and it’s finally over!! school’s been ehh. its still difficult for me to make new friends but i’ll get over it. i got nosebleeds to see taylor 😭😭 but its still better than nothing & thank u!!

PLEASE tell me about stevie nicks and your roadtrip!! i cant wait to hear about it

im soooo proud of u!! im always here for u and im always wishing you the best! 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷youuuu

-🧸

ahh thank you baby!!! no it's okay I didn't make a big deal about my birthday this year so it's fine 😊 it was the day after we got back from our road trip and I stayed with my sister for a few days and just hung out with her! she got me some cute lil harry coded fruit hair clips and made me dinner and we had cake and ice cream and watched a movie with her roommate!

oh no I don't mind saying what happened! I honestly thought I had already said, I'm sorry! my mom and I were leaving to go grocery shopping and I got kicked by a horse. I am doing better I've made a TON of progress but still feel like I have a long way to go. like doing simple things still takes a lot of my energy sometimes! like I said I was supposed to start a new job working at a daycare as a lead teacher and I think I'm gonna have to give that up now, because I can't imagine being able to work a full shift doing something like that 😔 which just kind of makes me feel lost rn as to what to do for income because I so had my heart set on working there!

thank you thank you for all the love, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes as I type this because it means so much coming from you! you'll never know how much I appreciate it ❤ it was honestly one of the most insane experiences I've ever had to go through, but as horrific as it was I feel like it's helped me appreciate life a lot more than I did before and realize the impact I have on people and how important I am to them! like my little brother said he cried when he found out and he's just not someone who shows his emotions a lot so it made me very 🥺🥺

I'm so sooooo excited for a new place like I'm already looking at things for my room and I'm looking forward to being able to put up so many harry related things and the big nakey™ poster that all the other harries have and like I said just a nice, clean, peaceful place I can heal and grow in!! and honestly we're in an area of GA that's superrr rural there's literally nothing here lol. I think we're gonna try to get an apartment in the same place where my little sister lives though so that would be perfect! I already feel at home there when I stay and it's a good little area. I probably will have to end up either getting back into selling crafty things or a remote job until I can build up my stamina again to be able to do more and get an in-person job!

yeah fuck phil all my homies hate phil!! he's done nothing but cause us trauma and stress and we'll all be better off away from him. thank you for your pride in me!!! it's never been easy for me to speak up for myself so I'm surprised I've been able to so much with him. he and I had a confrontation in 2021 where he just flat out asked me what was wrong and why I was upset with him and when I told him he basically gaslit me and in the end when I was standing in front of him crying after pouring my heart out, I was told “it’s been that way for a long time, you just need to get over it 🤷🏼‍♂️” so that’s what I’m gonna do, move out and get over it!!

ahhhh only a year left that’s amazing!! my heart is so full of pride for you I know how much hard work it takes to do that and it’s not easy. I hope you treat yourself when it’s all over to a big fat gift or some other sort of treat!! you deserve it 🫶🏻 and nosebleeds for taylor is okay!! I went to see her on the Red tour and we were in nosebleeds and it was still an amazing show. be careful and have a great time!

seeing stevie live was magical like I cannot even describe the good energy I felt while being there ✨ it was my first big outing after my accident and we had seats so I was able to sit down when I needed to (which was a lot more than I wanted to but it’s okay).

our road trip was only a few hours away but it was to see my little brother who we hadn’t see since december of 2021! we spent 4 days there and didn’t get to do a lot, but it was still great to visit him and his girlfriend. we hung out by the pool, ate at some cute little restaurants, saw the new little mermaid movie, and did some shopping 😊

again I’ll never be able to thank you enough for your pride in me!! I’m always here if you need me or whenever you wanna stop by to hear me ramble lol

all my love to you!!! 🩷🩵🩷🩵

#ask me stuff #anon #answered #🧸

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scenesofobx · 2 years

Text

Navigating Troubled Waters

Illicit Affairs: Part 1

Summary: Your relationship with Topper goes through troubled waters, ending in putting your relationship on a break. Comforting friends and a surprising hookup leaves you feeling better than had before.

Based off on the song Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift.

AN: This series has been a work in progress for weeks and I'm extremely proud of it :)

Warnings: mentions of arguments, hurt, cheating, a toxic relationship, sex, underage drinking.

Word Count: 3.9k

Note: This fic does not intend to condone cheating in any which way or form!

Thank you so much to @storytellingwitht for helping me out so much with this fic, I love you!

Topper and I had been dating for 6 months now. Sarah had been the one to set us up, her being best friends with me and good friends with Topper, she claimed that we'd be the perfect match. We were, kind of... Topper was a kind and committed boyfriend. He had his flaws, of course, I mean who doesn't?

Everything in our relationship had been smooth sailing so far, he was patient with me, never pushing any boundaries. He was the picture perfect boyfriend, but he was boring. Nothing about him excited me. Sure he'd surprise me with flowers, take me out for dinner every Monday night and would let me steal his hoodies. Again, picture perfect.

We rarely fought. The only fights we ever had was when he'd claim I was flirting with the Pogues when we were the boneyard. He'd always go on about how I was too touchy with JJ, Pope and Johb B when all I'd do is give them a hug hello and treat them like I do all my other friends, I think he was just annoyed because I didn't hate the Pogues like he did, I wasn't exactly a half Kook half Pogue like Kiara was, but I got on with the Pogues. I'd surfed with them on more than one occasion when Topper and his buddies were playing golf at the country club. I'd offered hundreds of times to teach my boyfriend how to surf because then I wouldn't have to make him jealous about me hanging out with people who wasn't him or weren't Kooks.

Our biggest fight yet occurred at his house at midday on a Saturday. Topper was saying that he wanted us to go to lunch with his parents, even though I already had plans with Pope to study. Even though we attended different schools, with Pope and the rest of the Pogues attending Kildare Country High School on The Cut, and Sarah and I attending a private school on Figure Eight, certain modules overlapped between both schools, most of them being in math, where Pope thrived and I, well... I didn't. Pope had offered that'd he'd help tutor me on the current geometry module that I was struggling with. He was always a night in shining armour when it came to anything book related, which Topper hated. He hated the Pogues with every fibre of his being and he hated that I needed Pope's help.

"Come on babe, I promised my parents we would go to lunch with them!", Topper was trying to persuade me to cancel my study plans with Pope so I could attend this last minute lunch with his parents.

"I don't why you promised that to them before consulting me about it. You knew I had plans to study with Pope, plans that I made last week, not this morning!", I was getting agitated at his constant last minute plans. I'd cancelled plans to surf with JJ a few months ago because Topper wanted to go to the country club with me for lunch. Then I'd cancelled plans with Kie last month, we were going to go for a beach walk to catch up and clean up the litter off the beach, but Topper had said he wanted to have a day in with me, watching movies, so I played the part of the good girlfriend and cancelled my plans with Kie. This wasn't the first time he was asking me to cancel my plans for him, and I know for a fact that it won't be the last.

"I promised them because I thought I could rely on you to be there for me when I needed you, to be able to cancel your plans to do what I'm asking."

"You wanted me to cancel my plans to study with Pope?"

"Yes that's exactly what I'm saying Y/N!", you looked at him with utter disbelief, "You're choosing to hang out with Pope instead of joining me and my parents for lunch, you're being selfish"

"Oh, I'm being selfish?"

"Yes, you are! You're choosing you hang out with you friend instead of being here for me when I need you to be."

"Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds, hmm? Do you? The plans that you want me to cancel are going to help me get my geometry marks up, Topper. You're asking me to put my education on the backburner to attend a random lunch with your parents! You're being ridiculous Topper"

"I'm not being ridiculous, I'm asking one simple favour, why can't you just study with him tomorrow instead?"

"Because there's a test on Monday, I need his help to understand the formulas and working out, and I need him to help me today so I can spend tomorrow doing practice questions so make sure I'm prepared for test! Why can't you just go without me?", he'd given me a counter-offer to studying with Pope today and I was giving him one back, to attend the lunch without me.

"I can't go without you because I want to show your hot ass off", he said in a nonchalant tone.

"Is that the only reason you want me there? To show me off, to brag!?", I was yelling now, how could be objectify me so much?

"No, God no, I just... I'm trying to compliment you here Y/N!"

"Well you're not succeeding! You're literally only commenting on my my body, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me, but clealy something is wrong with you if you can't cancel your dumb plans to be there for me! You're going to fail your test anyway, so what's the point!?", Topper was yelling in my face.

"You know what?", I asked rhetorically, "I can't do us right now! I'm going to go study with Pope and I'm going to pass that test!", I was hurt and I wanted to cry but I wouldn't allow myself to be weak in front of him right now.

"Why, to prove it to me that you can?", the tone of his voice was super snarky.

"No, to prove it to myself. I don't have to prove anything to you!", and with being happy that I got to have the last word, I left his house, making sure to slam the door behind me.

I got in my car and rushed over to Pope's, our study session was in twenty minutes and I was not going to miss it. I had to prove it to myself and rub it in Toppers face that I passed. Yes, I know I'm being super freaking petty but I just want to prove him wrong. He always acts like he's so perfect, that he never does wrong and and never be wrong and I just want to kick him off his high horse.

I still hasn't cried and I wasn't going to, well not until All Too Well (10 Minute Version) [Taylor's Version] came on and I found myself screaming along to the lyrics, relating more than I ever had before to one particular part...

"MAYBE WE GOT LOST IN TRANSLATION

MAYBE I ASKED FOR TOO MUCH

BUT MAYBE THIS THING WAS A MASTERPIECE

'TIL YOU TORE IT ALL UP"

I was screaming along and relating to that verse with every fibre of my being, tears were streaming down my cheeks now and I honestly couldn't care less. Screw him for being such an asshole. It's gonna take a hell of a lot for me to take him back, I'm not going to cave at the smallest apology. I know my worth and I know I'm worth more than that.

The song ended at the exact moment I parked in Pope's driveway. I grabbed a tissue out my bag and wiped away my tears, I was grateful that I wasn't wearing any makeup because the last thing I needed was mascara stained cheeks.

Pope's mom opened the door, giving me a once over and pulling me into a hug without saying anything, she whispered a quick "I love you sweetie" before she let me go. "I'll put a pot of tea on, that sound good honey?"

"That's absolutely perfect Mrs Heyward, thank you!"

Pope really had the sweetest mom on the planet! I had nothing against my own but she just wasn't as soft headed as Mrs Heyward was, Kook mom's were all stuck up and controlling in one way or another, something Mrs Heyward lacked entirely.

"Of course, splash of milk and two sugars right?", she asked with a smile spread across her face.

"That's right, you still surprise me that you know", I smiled back at her, stunned at the fact she could always remember just how I liked my tea.

"Glad to keep you on your toes", she let out a small laugh and I did the same.

Gosh, how I love and appreciated Pope's mom!

While Mrs Heyward finished up making tea for Pope and I, denying my offer to help her, I made my way up to Pope's room and knocked soflty on his door.

"Come in"

"Hey Po! How are you?"

"I'm good Y/N/N, what about you?", he asked me, worry evident in his voice.

"I'm okay!", I replied, completely unconvincingly.

"You know you can talk to me Y/N/N. I won't push you to, but I'm here!", he pulled me in for a comforting hug just like his mom had a few minutes ago.

"Thank you P, it's just... Ugh Topper and I had a stupid fight. He was being a complete prick, saying he wanted me to cancel our study plans so I could go to some dumb lunch with his parents. When I defended the fact that I made these plans a last week ago and that I needed to study with you so I could pass my test. When I asked him why I can't just miss out on the lunch he said he wanted to 'show my hot ass off'. He literally said said Pope!"

"That's so rude of him to focus solely on your looks and not on your intelligence!", Pope was really good at being the friend I could vent to, he'd say exactly what I needed him to.

"Right! Oh and", I laughed in utter disbelief, "You won't freaking believe what he said about my intelligence Pope!"

"What'd he say?"

"He legitimately said it wasn't worth studying for this test because I'd fail anyway!", I was crying again, I'd finally said aloud what I never wanted to hear someone say, what I thought about myself day in and day out.

"I'm so sorry Y/N/N, he's a complete asshole and he doesn't deserve you! You're way smarter than he'll ever be and him saying such a thing when he knows you struggle with your self confidence in maths is downright pathetic of him!", Pope was angry now, he was angry at the fact Topper could say such a rude thing about me and to me. Pope however is a lover not a fighter so he comforted me instead of going to beat the shit out of Topper like a certain blonde Pogue would.

He sat hugging me for ten whole minutes, Mrs Heyward interrupting at the five minute mark to bring us our tea. Goodness did she make the best tea North Carolina had ever seen, probably because she puts so much love into making it.

Once I'd finished my tea and heard some comforting words from Pope, we got to studying. Geometry was never my strong suit and I thought it never would be but Pope explained it in such a clear and consise way that after our three hour study session I finally understood and could easily do geometry. Wow, that's something I never thought I'd achieve, I'm honestly super blessed having a genuis for a friend!

After I hugged Mrs Heyward goodbye, I hopped in my car and set out for Tannyhill, home to my best friend Sarah Cameron. We'd been friends for as long as I can remember and I was beyond grateful for her every single day. We'd planned to have sleepover tonight, I'd told her that I'd head over to her house after I finished studying with Pope. I'd texted her in Pope's driveway to say I was leaving The Cut and heading to Figure Eight. I was excited to have a fun night in with my best friend, watching movies, secretly drinking some wine we'd sneak from Ward and Rose's basement cellar and gossip about what an asshole my boyfriend is.

I parked in the driveway and got my overnight bag from the backseat of my car. As I was about to ring the door bell, the door was openened by none other than everyone's least favourite Cameron sibling... Rafe. Now I guess Rafe isn't too bad but compared to his sisters he was a clear last. Sarah was of course the best out of the three, she was kind, funny and selfless. Wheezie was sweet too, a bit nosy but she was a kid so I guess I couldn't expect any different. Rafe on the order hand was something else... he may have been my boyfriend's best friend and he may be unnecessarily attractive but he was an utter mess too. Sarah had told me how he spent the money Ward had given him to purchase generators after Agatha to buy cocaine, like hello, how did he think that was a good idea?

"Rafe.."

"Y/N... I'm guessing you're here for Sarah?"

"Yeah, she's here right?"

"I'm here!", Sarah chimed in, moving around Rafe's tall stature to give me the biggest hug, when she pulled back from the hug she gave me an apologetic look, "Listen..."

"Oh no... Sarah I haven't stepped foot inside and you're already cancelling our plans?", I asked her, puppy dog eyes and pout on full display. I'm not usually a needy person but right now I needed to vent about Topper to someone who knew well and that list was extremely limited.

"I am so sorry buttercup, I was just about to call you. John B called, he wants to take me out for dinner! Would you hate me if I rescheduled our movie night?"

"No, I- um, it's okay! Really, do not stress at all! I'll just head home", I smiled at her, trying to hide any hint of sadness I was feeling.

"You okay?", worry laced her voice and eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, no it's just that Topper and I just had a fight... it's dumb.", I tried to downplay it, I didn't want her cancelling her new plans for me.

"I can stay and we can talk about this", she smiled, trying to reassure me that she would be okay okay cancelling dinner plans with her boyfriend to talk about my shitty one.

"No, really, go! Have fun, make good choices, I'll be okay!"

"Promise?", she asked with an unconvinced look on her face.

"I promise", I smiled, "Now go! You look hot, go have fun!"

"Thank you, really! I love you Y/N/N!", she blew me a kiss and walked over to her bike.

"I love you too!"

I watched her bike away and waved at her when she turned back.

"You can stay you know", I was startled by the sound of Rafe's voice, I didn't realise that he had stayed in his same position all this time.

"What?"

"You don't have to go home. Ward and Rose are leaving for dinner in about half an hour and Wheezie's sleeping over at a friend's house..."

"And you...?"

"I'll be here... well I'll be in my room, unless you want to talk about what happened with Topper, I know he can be an ass"

"You've got that right", I smiled sadly at him, the wound from our fight still fresh.

"So, you going to stay?"

"Umm...", I needed some more convincing and Rafe got the hint.

"There's a really good bottle of wine in the cellar that I've been eyeing for some time now, it's from 1986, one of the best years in winemaking..."

"I'm sold!", he laughed at my sudden interest to stay with him at Tannyhill instead of heading home, just because of the mention of wine.

"Awesome, well come on it!", he gestured for me to walk inside.

I walked to the living room, putting my overnight bag on the one empty chair and taking a seat on the couch. Rafe followed after me and sat on the opposite end of the same couch.

There was a few moments of awkward silence, we'd never really spoken much besides when exchanging pleasantries so this was uncharted waters for us.

"So the weather is quite nice, huh?", I tried to break the silence. I will admit it was the dumbest thing to say but he was making me nervous for some reason.

"Yeah", he laughed at my silly choice of topic, "It is indeed, but apparently what isn't nice is Topper, which I could've told you if you'd asked", I was taken back by his bluntness when speaking about Topper.

"I thought he was your boyfriend?"

"He is, so is Kelce, but I'll call either of them out on their bullshit any day Y/N/N"

"I respect that Rafe, really. It isn't easy standing up against your friends but if they're in the wrong then they deserve to be told"

"Just like you told Sarah she was wrong to ditch you?", he countered.

"That was different"

"Was it?", I said nothing, "You can't let other people walk all over you"

"I don't Rafe, I literally stood up to Topper when he tried to say that he only wanted me at lunch for my looks and when he basically called me unintelligent! I stood up for myself, okay, and I am darn proud of myself for it!", I defended myself.

"Yeah okay, you definitely need that wine", he laughed and I joined in

When our laughter had died down, Rafe excused himself to fetch us some wine. While he was gone Ward and Rose greeted me with quick hugs and said to tell Rafe that they left for dinner and that they would be home at about 11pm.

Rafe walked in two minutes after they'd left, "I'm sory that took so long, Ward keeps a ton of wine down there yet he doesn't have any form of organisation for his most prized possession", his tone was filled with humour but I knew he thought that Ward loved everything and anything more than his son.

"Well I wouldn't be so sure they're his most prized possession because he only said to say goodbye to you, not to his cellar of wine", I smiled a him, hoping to convince him that he was more than important than some inanimate bottles of wine.

"Thank you", he didn't need to say what he was thankful for, I knew. I knew he was grateful that someone cared and was trying to convince him of just how important his presence is to those around him.

"You're welcome, and thank you too", he gave me a questioning look, "For the wine, I mean"

"Oh, right! You're very welcome, let me get you a glass"

He went to the kitchen and returned with two wine glasses and started pouring wine inyo both as soon as he got the bottle open.

He handed he my glass with a small smile which I was quick to return.

We sat for over an hour, getting through two full bottles of wine while talking about everything from the most random things to every detail of my fight with Topper, which Rafe was quick to let me know who he sided with. Me, it was me, he sided with me, don't worry, I too was surprised that he'd side with me over his best friend. Isn't it bro code to support your friend even if they're wrong? Either he was completely oblivious to the code or he knew about it and decided to disregard it. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised when he got mad over Topper only wanting me at the lunch with his parents to show me off, Rafe said it was a degrading thing for him to say and I, of course. completely agreed. We even spoke about how his dad views him...

"He doesn't care about me, he only cares about me when he needs something, when he needs to to do something, otherwise he couldn't care less about me"

"That may be true Rafe, but there are people who care about you, who care about you as a person and not just because they need something"

"Name one person", he challenged.

"Topper, Kelce, Sarah, Wheezie", I gave a few, trying to prove my point.

"Topper and Kelce don't really care about me Y/N/N, not really, it's a status thing more than anything, I've never had really personal conversations with them, we normally just bitch and moan about our parents and the Pogues, nothing meaningful, and Sarah doesn't care not really, and I know she's your best friend but like Wheezie, she only cares because she's family, she's obliged to care about me in some way, shape or form but just like my dad and Rose, they sort of care but not fully"

"... Me"

"What?", he furrowed his brows.

"I care about you Rafe, not sort of care but fully care", I stated while looking deeply into his whiskey coloured eyes, trying to get my point across.

"For whatever its worth, I think Toppers wrong, you are so much more than just your looks", he smiled the sweetest, most incaptivating smile I had ever seen. I let out a deep breath that I didn't know I had been holding and before I could think twice my lips were on his. He took a second to register what was happening before he kissed me back, the kisses were quick to turn from slow and innocent to extremely rushed and passionate, lust present in every kiss, every touch... Before I realised it, my legs were wrapped around his torso, my hands in his hair and his hands under my thighs keeping me from falling. He was rushing up the stairs, never once breaking the kiss.

He kicked his door open with his only free body part and pushed me against it, slamming it shut. The intensity increased with every kiss, every touch, every sweet thing said. I had never felt like this before.

Like I said before, Topper was boring, there was no spark, no intensity. With Rafe, everything just felt so right. So right that it overrode every single thought about how wrong this was, how immoral it was, because even though I could never truly forgive myself for how badly I'm during Topper right now. All I could truly think about was how if something was so bad, how could it feel so right?

I fell asleep wrapped safely in Rafe's arms, his body heat radiating off onto me, making me feel like I was covered in a blanket of utter love. Never once had it crossed my mind that the middle Cameron sibling would more than likely be coming home at some point tonight and that she would see my car parked outside...

It was 1am when Sarah snuck in quietly through the front door. She wasn't blind, she had seen my car still sitting in the driveway and she looked for me in the living room, her bedroom, the spare bedroom and even Wheezie's bedroom. When she came up short she decided to ask her brother if he knew about your whereabouts.

Taglist: @storytellingwitht @dreamsinshadesofblue

( comment, send an ask or message me to be added to the taglist for this fic <3 )

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fuckitup-in-style · 3 years

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ALL TOO WELL (10 MINUTE VERSION) + SHORT FILM

just watched all too well short film and may I just say...

... big fuck you to jake

... give her back the scarf, you shithead

... no show at the birthday despite saying you're going to be there - messed up. i've been there and that's HARD to get over. took me a whole ass year when it happened to me.

FILM NOTES

... when dylan was acting out that scene on the phone and turned around to look at sadie, the look in his eye gripped my fucking heart because it was such an apathetic and dead look compared to the next scene, it gave me whiplash.

... the dinner party scene where dylan shucks off her hand - that HURT.

... that entire scene in the kitchen with sadie and dylan was a masterpiece but like in the worst way possible. it was like line after line of gaslighting and the raw anguish on sadie's face was FELT intimately.

... that scene where sadie is drinking alone at the party and she brings the glass to her lips - my sister was like "apple juice" and I was immediately about to go riot.

LYRIC NOTES

... I had no clue that All Too Well and the Moment I Knew was related until the 10 minute version was released so that was a kick in the balls that I felt intimately.

... it was bit jarring because I knew that there was more lyrics but I still mouthed the words to the one from the original album so it was like - "hol' up" and than I listened and it was like: I was stunned into silence.

... the new lyrics were also like "fuck the patriarchy" and I jolted because its always a foreign feeling to hear taylor swear but than I recovered and got onto the bandwagon of how jake is even more of a pretentious fuck than I originally thought.

"And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now He's gonna say it's love, you never called it what it was."

... just wow. I can literally feel the whole 'waiting to say it' and feeling so excited for it to be said out loud and how numbing it must have been when he still didn't say it like - wow.

"And there we are again when nobody had to know You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath."

... jake, you fuck. getting treated like a dirty fucking secret is such a shitty feeling, in any kind of relationship capacity.

"They say all's well that ends well, but I'm in a new Hell Every time you double-cross my mind."

... I felt that. Like, in the aftermath of that relationship, all you want to do is forget and every time you start to and than remember, it's like the wound opens over and over again and you're back to the start where all you feel is hurt. taylor captured it perfectly.

"You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine. And that made me want to die."

... what the fuck, jake? jesus fucking christ, he is a shitstain. like her realizing that all of this was something clandestine to him while she was seeing all in red and autumn and passion, all excited and happy and bubbly. to suddenly realize you're this dirty little secret and to try to reach outside of that is pushing on this perfect, trophy-like role in his life is so wretched. she was so much more than a secret, so much more than this pretty little thing perched silently by his side and i am forever proud of how much taylor has grown.

"Some actress asking me what happened, you That's what happened, you."

... when I listened to this after the twentieth time last night, I was screaming all raw throat and raspy. pointing accusingly at the wall and just imagining the face I've always imagined when I've listened to this song or The Moment I Knew.

"But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come, And he said, "It's supposed to be fun turning twenty-one"

... this hit home with me because my dad was the person there for me when I broke up with my person and he was like, 'it's just puppy love, forget boys, you focus on having fun and getting an education and making a life for yourself, not crying over some dickhead that ditched your party to smoke weed'. if I thought that taylor's music resonated with me before, this song solidified that for me.

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."

... By far my all time favourite lyric from this song, from both the original 2012 version and the newest version, because it perfectly captures the desperate need to recover from this sorrowful, heart-breaking experience and to be the fun, carefree, oblivious person you were before. each break-up is another chip at your innocence, at the carefree, powerful force of nature you were beforehand and the person you are by the end of it is just a bit more jaded than before. And that's fucked up, both when you're 17 and when you're 21.

"And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes "I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age"

... OH YEAH - JUST A LAST FUCK YOU TO JAKE.

LAST NOTES

The artistic genius was too overwhelming to comprehend but just a huge congratulations to Taylor Swift. Ma'am, I woke up before midday to watch the premier, that is how much of a chokehold you have on me... choke away, queen!

#all too well short film #all too well #red tv #9 years of red #red taylors version #taylor swift #red taylor swift #all too well 10 minutes #all too well taylor's version #all too well (10 minute version)#all too well lyrics #dylan o'brien #sadie sink

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septemberrie · 2 years

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Hi! I was wondering how you came up with the titles for your fics, especially PoNR and IWJR; did you think of them before you started writing or did it come to you after? What do they mean? (even though I have an idea, I'd like to hear your explanation for them) Finally, have you ever wished you could change a title after you'd started posting chapters or after you finished a fic?

Hi anon, this is such a sweet ask and I'm so grateful, sorry for the delay but I've been Going Through It™.

I don't have a tried and true method for creating titles because it's the weakest part of my creative process! I have friends that start with the title first and I don't know how they do it. 😭 It's always the last thing I do and nothing ever fits exactly right. There's a few titles I'm actually proud of like "Lies My Parent Told Me," "En Garde," and "Brewing Chemistry." They always come after the fact when I try to find lyrics, or phrases, or lines of poems that relate to the thesis of the work.

"Point of No Return" was intended to reference how far a person can descend before they can redeem themselves (in the case of Riven) or even just recover (in the case of Saul, and in a different way with Musa with the mind thing or Sky with the burden of command). A working title was "The Devil to Pay" in reference to what Riven would have to do to redeem himself.

"It was just red." was harder, I think I delayed posting a couple days because I had SUCH a hard time with the title. 😅 I can't even tell you how many Taylor Swift lyrics and bad turns of phrase I went through (I did consider "A fairytale, with guns" as a title because I wanted to be IN YOUR FACE about how brutal it would get, but BARF). But the quote is from Kait Rowkowski, “Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red.” and was intended to reference the rose-colored glasses that Saul ascribes to his memories at Alfea. Isn't it so human to remember things fondly when they were actually super shitty. It's like Frost's "The Road Not Taken" but 10000x more intense. Sometimes life is only beautiful in memory.

I always regret fic titles but I don't think I regret them enough to change; I think that would only be the case for multi-chap fics and I'm settled enough on those to not worry about it.

Anyway anon if you're a writer and/or you have suggestions for picking fic titles I am all ears!! but were your theories correct anon?

#ask #anonymous #personal #this was a really really nice ask #been ruminating on it for a couple days #ily anon

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gossipgirls · 3 years

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can’t wait for your to make more taylor gif sets! i love your dorothea one so so much. i was wondering if you had to assign every song on red (tv) to a ship/character who would it be?

aw, thank you so much! i loved making the dorothea set and was proud of the outcome. i have a few chair ones already all planned out and just have to decide which one to actually make first lol. as for red tv songs and ships/chars, click below!

state of grace: CHAIR! chair, chair, chair! this is one of my all-time favourite songs for them and has been for years. i also think it could be a lovely song for dair, but it's too CHAIR for me to go there. "you were never a saint and i've loved in shades of wrong, we learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts, but this love is brave and wild."

red: i honestly don't totally feel this is a big chair song, but it suits them more than it does any other ship, so for the sake of my assignment here, i'll settle for chair lmao. "regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong."

treacherous: oh, guess who? chair. "nothing safe is worth the drive."

i knew you were trouble: i'm gonna say this is a song for like... all of serena's random relationships. she sees all the red flags and ignores them. "flew me to places i'd never been, now i'm lying on the cold hard ground."

all too well: so like i said in the last ask, i'm a pretty firm believer that the original all too well could be applied to any ship ever that has broken up at any point. i don't know HOW, but it almost always works. the gg ship that fits this song best is, imo, rufly. "there we are again when i loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known."

22: this feels like the type of vibes that serena would bring to blair's sleepovers, if that makes sense. so, generally a serena song, but specifically in relation to blair! "we're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time, it's miserable and magical."

i almost do: chair in season 5 i guess, or rufly. "i can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye."

we are never ever getting back together: i don't think this fits anyone, so can i just say that this is what i wish derena had said to each other in season 4? "like... EVER."

stay stay stay: RUFLY! :) "i've been loving you for quite some time, time, time."

the last time: hm, similar to red the song, i don't really think this is much of a chair song, but it suits them more than it does anyone else, so let's just go with them. "i imagine you are home, in your room, all alone, and you open your eyes into mine, and everything is better."

holy ground: serenate!! "took off faster than a green light go, you skip the conversation when you already know."

sad beautiful tragic: s5 chair? or i could see this as a dair song, dan looking back. "we had a beautiful, magic love there."

the lucky one: SERENA. :( this has been in my serena playlist for ages. "they tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused, cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used."

everything has changed: s1 derena? but love for serenate too. could be dair, depending on how one views them, or even s1 nate/jenny. "all i know is a newfound grace, all my days i'll know your face."

starlight: very loosely, serenate. but serena is bobby and nate is ethel LMFAO. "don't you see the starlight? don't you dream impossible things?"

begin again: this could also be a season 1 derena song, but less someone coming out of a bad relationship and more "you can't be worse than the guys i do know," as in serena being so enamoured by dan's simplicity and sweetness versus everyone else she knows. i also think it's nice for blair coming out of her marriage and turning to dan, almost a fresh start, blank slate type of thing. "for the first time, what's past is past."

the moment i knew: blair and nate because he actually, literally did ditch her on her birthday lol. "it would've felt like a million little shining stars had just aligned and i would've been so happy."

come back...be here: i don't think i can even reach to come up with an answer for this one because i don't recall any actual long distance relationships in gg.

girl at home: a reach, but season 1 nate/jenny? she likes him but doesn't wanna do anything to cross blair. or s1 serenate, as she tries to stay away from him. "don't look at me, you got a girl at home and everybody knows that."

better man: as an anon said yesterday, chair, late s2, and then late s3 to early s4. "i know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand, but i just miss you and i just wish you were a better man."

nothing new: serena and blair, in different ways, but way more serena. i've said a lot before about this exact topic in regards to serena's arc, the whole beautiful and damned thing, and how it's the basis of so much of her behaviour, specifically in s5 when lola comes around. for blair, i think certain lines really highlight the difficulties she faced after high school graduation. "are we only biding time til i lose your attention and someone else lights up the room? people love an ingenue."

babe: blair and nate lmfaooo. "since you admitted it, i keep picturing it, her lips on your neck, i can't unsee it."

message in a bottle: honestly, this is super cute to me as s4 and early s5 dair, from dan's perspective. "you could be the one that i love and now i'm standing here hoping this gets to you."

i bet you think about me: DERENA DIVORCE ERA! some lines sound like something serena would feel and others feel like something dan would feel, which makes it such an interesting song for them. also, rufly. "i tried to fit in with your upper-crust circles, they let me sit in back when we were in love."

forever winter: blair and serena... 💕 "i'd say, i love you even at your darkest and please don't go."

run: VAN DER BAIZENNNNN "so you laugh like a child, and i'll sing like no one cares, no one to be, no one to tell."

the very first night: derena, because their best days were their early ones and the rest of their relationship is them trying to feel that again. "we broke the status quo, then we broke each other's hearts."

all too well (10 minute version): generally, some chair lines here ("you kept me like a secret, but i kept you like an oath."), some derena lines ("the idea you had of me, who was she?")

#answered #anonymous

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storiesoftaylor · 3 years

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18. Daylight

reWritten by: Taylor Swift Produced by: Jack Antonoff and Taylor Swift Length: 4:53

This song was written by Taylor alone. And "Daylight" was originally going to be the name of the album Lover! After Taylor wrote "Lover" she knew that was going to be the title. I love this song because there are so many comparisons to what she believed love was, specifically the RED album. That entire album is Taylor comparing love to colors. Red, blue, gray, etc. But here, 7 years after releasing RED for the first time, she has learned that love isn't red, it's golden.

In Taylor's prologue for the album RED she writes, "And there’s something to be proud of about moving on and realizing that real love shines golden like starlight, and doesn’t fade or spontaneously combust. Maybe I’ll write a whole album about that kind of love if I ever find it. But this album is about the other kids of love that I’ve recently fallen in and out of. Love that was treacherous, sad, beautiful, and tragic. But most of all, this record is about love that was red."

She did write an entire album about what love is, and it's called Lover!

[Verse One] My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in Everyone looked worse in the light There are so many lines that I've crossed unforgiven I'll tell you the truth, but never goodbye In this verse, Taylor is saying that she doesn't have the best luck with finding love. And she is also saying that there are some things that she has done that she regrets, and she will tell him all about it, but she's not going to say goodbye to him. Joe is too good.

[Chorus] I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night And now I see daylight, I only see daylight This means Joe is the only person that she wants, the only person that she thinks about. He means everything to her, and he brought her out of the darkness. We have to remember Taylor wasn't in a great place mentally when Joe and she started dating, but the love that he showed her pulled her out of all that darkness.

[Verse Two] Luck of the draw only draws the unlucky And so I became the butt of the joke I think here she is referring to her past failed relationships and the scrutiny that she faced for it. I wounded the good, and I trusted the wicked Clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke This part I believe to be about the clowns to the West, and you can't convince me otherwise. Because Taylor did try to clear the air with Clown 1, she really did. She presented said Clown with an award! Only to be backstabbed over the phone. So by answering that call, she's saying she breathed in the smoke.

(I choose to not use the names of people that Taylor is singing about or inspired by because I don't want to bring any more attention to them unless it is Joe... BUUUTTTT, I will show you photos of them where I photoshop something Taylor related to their face :) We love to talk about Joe on this blog!) Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now It's brighter now, now These last 3 lines to me sound like she is saying "maybe you were a player and afraid of commitment, and maybe I was a drama queen. But we have grown up now!"

[Bridge] And I can still see it all (in my mind) All of me, all of you, (intertwined) I once believed love would be (black and while) But it's golden To refer to something as "black and white" means there's no room for shades of gray. It means simple and no complications. Love is not black and white at all, but it is golden. And I can still see it all (in my head) Back and forth from New York (sneaking in your bed) I once believed love would be (burning red) But it's golden THIS IS THE BEST COUPLE OF LINES EVER! Especially because she is calling back to her old work! She's calling back to RED, we've talked about this before... She has a lot of RED comparisons in this song. In the song, "Red" Taylor sings about how loving this man was red because it burned just as bright with passion as it did pain. That's not what love is supposed to be. Love is supposed to be golden, calm, and serene and it makes you feel warm and tingly, like the sun! Like daylight! Like daylight, like daylight Like daylight, daylight

[Chorus] I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you (I can never look away) I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you (Things will never be the same) I've been sleeping so long in a 20 year dark night (Now I'm wide awake) And now I see daylight (I see daylight), I only see daylight (daylight) I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight (Ah) (And I can still see it all) I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight (And I can still see it all, back and fourth from New York) I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight (I once believed love would be burning red)

[Outro] Like daylight It's golden like daylight You gotta step into the daylight and let it go Just let it go, let it go

[Spoken Outro] I wanna be defined by the things that I love Not the things I hate Not the things I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of The things that haunt me in the middle of the night I just think that You are what you love Ugh stop Taylor! You are literally perfect, I can't.

#lover #taylor swift #taylor lyrics #taylorswift #lyrics #writers #musicians #taylornation #swiftie #taylorstans #lover era #golden #daylight #taylurking #taylor nation

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