#(and she tried to tell me she understood how I felt bc she'd had to take out a second mortage ON HER HOUSE to avoid grad loans)

[violetclarity]

in a ~fun~ turn of events I think this year I hate my job not because of the *gestures to conservative catholic institution* everything but because the ratio of direct coworkers whom I like vs. dislike has gone from 2:1 to 1:2 and I am LOSING IT

[pacifymebby]

t r o u b l e / Chapter Ten

a peaky blinders Modern AU balletcore story?

Chapter List

Previous Chapter (in case u missed it bc tumblr is being weird)

John

"Don't like this John," hummed Esme where she sat in the bedroom window, her hair wild and long, trailing down her back her curls knotting down to her lower back, brushing over her bare thighs when she turned to look at me over her shoulder. She'd been up half the night with the baby and now that the littlen had finally settled down she was sitting alone watching the dark garden, wearing one of my tshirts, one which had been worn to death and had grown with her baby belly throughout her last pregnancy. She still wore it now, when it was late and she couldn't sleep. She'd taken to sitting in that window all through the night, starring out at the garden like a caged bird, smoking her cigarettes one by one.

"I know love," I sighed stepping up behind her, letting my hands hold her shoudlers, thumbs rubbing over the bones. "Won't be for long, we'll go back to the farm soon..."

"Thats what you say," she said turning back to the garden with the dark shadowy eyes of a girl. A girl pining. Which is what I knew she was. She was restless and she had been for a long time, long before this shit with the Italians. I'd been trying my best on the farm, trying to help her feel free, connected to the earth. I humoured her when she walked out in the garden barefoot, curling her toes into the muddy vegetable patches when it rained. I'd promised her we'd travel, that we'd pack up and take the kids with us, and I'd meant to keep that promise. But now there were other shadows looming over us, and not just over me and her but the whole family. And keeping my promise to Esme would mean betraying my brothers and sisters.

I couldn't even toy with the idea. Of course sometimes the way Tommy was made me want to say fuck it and leave, but the rest of them, no. I couldn't leave Ada and the twins. Couldnt abandon Arthur who needed the family to stay together more than any of us.

And even Tommy, at the end of the day, no matter how cruel he could be, how unfeeling, he was still my big brother. And he wasn't as selfish as he seemed, it just takes a lot to lead a family, especially one like ours. He was just doing his best to be the person steering our battered ship.

"We're never leaving here," Esme said, her voice low and dark and gloomy like the empty garden at night. That expanse of lawn, so tame. That wall of trees just that, a wall that hedged us all in. Marked out our bit of land and kept it ours. A perimeter that  Esme understood, kept her caged.

That was why she spent her evenings starring out at it with dark eyes and a heavy heart. Smoking her cigarettes. Making me feel all kinds of guilt and inadequacy.

"We will flower, just as soon as this is all over, gonna take you and the littlens far away," I said leaning over her, tilting her head right back so that i could kiss her from above. I meant it, in my heart when I said it I meant it but we were neither of us naive and so we both found ourselves looking out at the garden then, whistful and doomed.

This wasn't going to be over quickly. Might never be over at all.

The house was quiet but only just and only for now, the twins had gone to bed, too shaken up for my liking - and I felt guilty for that because I'd aided in the shaking - but Arthur hadn't returned with Ada and I knew that she had all the fight of little Sylvie and all the zeal of having grown up in a shithole like small heath. That is to say I knew she wouldn't be affraid to tell Tommy exactly what she thought of him. How much of a cunt she thought he was.

When our mother had died Tommy had stepped up for the girls because they were only small and suddenly left without a mother or a father to care for them. He'd tried to be that father figure to the best of his ability, which was limited because he'd never really had a sturdy father figure himself. As a result the girls had wound up with this fear of him, that fear only a father can instill. In healthy relationships its known as respect but theirs was a distant and troubled relationship and so fear was the only way of describing it. Ada hadn't had that, didn't fear him and probably wouldn't ever. So I knew that when she got here she'd do the shouting and the fighting for all three of them. Wouldn't give a fuck that it was 4 in the morning and the littluns were in bed, that I was in bed, only just managing to drift off. Would blame me for that, would tell me it straight.

"Ada will stay," said Esme then, "she's not stupid she knows whats at risk..."

"Yeah," I sighed, "its the girls ain't it," I said, "gonna be trouble..." I said and she smirked as if to say 'you don't know the half of it' but I did because every step of the way we'd done everything wrong. We'd sent them away, let them grow up wild in some far away city, in a boarding school that taught them how to lie and cheat their way to the top, taught them they could have everything they wanted if they were cut throat and selfish, if they thought only about where they were trying to go and took wild risks, pushed themselves too far.

And it was obvious looking at Sylvie, that the both of them had taken on board everything that theyd been taught. That they weren't affraid to push themselves too far, test their limits. That they didn't mind their own safety when it came to taking risks to get what they wanted.

And they'd take these risks because we'd always tried to keep them sheltered, always tried to keep them seperate. The twins had never seen their brothers with bullets in their chests, they'd never seen the men we'd snatched from wives and children. They didn't really know what we did with the bodies. They didn't know about the arms severed, the threats sent. They didn't know the things we'd done to our enemies, they thought our wars were all money and talk but they were usually always retaliation to meetings gone sour, deals fucked up, families we'd made the mistake of only half slaughtering.

And because they didn't know any of those things, then they could never really understand what they were risking, what our enemies would do to them, how they would be used, how they'd be tortured.

It wasn't even a year passed since our Aunt Pol had narrowly escaped death at the hands of the Changretta's. They'd had her neck in a noose, left her balanced on her tip toes for days, a sinister act of torture we were all certain had tipped her over the morbid edge she'd been teetering on for years. They'd told her they had all of us, tricked her into believing that whilst she stood their desperately trying to keep her balance, feeling the strain of the noose against her neck every time she faltered, that each of us was fighting for our lives in an equally painful way.

No one knew, not even her, how she'd actually managed to escape. But it hadn't been any of us who had cut her down. Tommy said she must have done it, must have worked out a way to cut the bonds on her hands, to sever the rope around her neck. Polly insisted that it hadn't been. That it had been the ghost of her mother, that now she'd spent several days with death hovering around her, waiting for her muscles to spazm and falter, she could see death all the time. That she could hear the voices of those past, that she could see their shadows lingering around the living.

And though it all seemed a little mellodramatic to me, seemded like rot to Arthur, I could tell Tommy empathised with the darkness. And we couldn't laugh her off because of what she'd gone through. The days of pain, her muscles sore to burning, her adrenaline savaging her body so that when she finally returned home she was a shell of her former self. Something changed behind her eyes.

That was the darkness our fens were risking every time they fought back against Tommy. If they disobeyed him, if we couldn't keep them here, safe with us, well, thered be no ghosts that came to save them.

"Sylvies got her brothers temper," said Esme, her strange impersonal judgements reminding me that they'd never really met. That the wedding had been the first and last time they'd seen one another. So it was all the more strange, all the more uncomfortable.

"Aye but which brother..." I smirked making her laugh, making her dark brooding eyes light up for a moment as she shook her head.

"Well," she let her smirk linger, her dimple etched into her expression so that she appeared impish in the pale nights light, "ain't arthurs is it..."

"Shes nothin like Tommy," I said shaking my head, refusing to believe that that could be true, refusing to believe that there was anything about my brother that could possibly have been passed onto little Sylvia who had always been so wild and sweet.

"They're like our mum," I said trying to reiterate my point. Trying to prove Esme's observation wrong, "I guess you wouldn't see that yknow," I shrugged turning away from the window, pulling my shirt over my head, knowing there was no point trying to get to sleep. Lying down anyway and asked her to lie down with me. For want of nothing else to do.

"Come on love, can't sit in that window all night you'll get cold..."

"What and I spose you're gonna keep me warm?" she asked turning with that clever little smirk, outsmarting me again.

"Aye," I said with a cheeky caught out grin of my own, "Somet like that aye..." I chuckled opening my arms out for her, letting her crawl across the bed to me, that too bed tshirt hanging from her soft curves as she moved feline and feminine over covers to come curl up in my arms.

I kissed her hair and let my hand trail over her thigh, fingers teasing a line up to the hem of her underwear. I knew how to ease her troubled mood, even now when her eyes were dark and I could see that she was worrying.

So we didn't get any sleep, and when Arthur returned with Ada and Karl, their voices ricochetting down the corridors, their disturbance caught me and Esme off guard. Her beanth me, her thighs trembling on each side of my neck as I ground my hips against her hips a little harder than before, burying myself deep inside her.

We'd been close when that front door had slammed and Karl had woken, started crying but the moment Ada's sharp words began tumbling vitriolic and shattering the silent house, we knew it was over.

"Fuck sake," whined Esme burying her face into my neck, clutching at me still, her body clinging tight to mine. She didn't want to let go and I didn't want to pull out and away from her but I knew that any second now Ada would be hammering her fist on that bedroom door demanding to drag me into the battle.

I laughed, let my grin linger because there was nothing else I could do. Just had to keep smirking through it and appreciate the humour of it all, forty fuckin one years old and still being cockblocked by my big sister.

So I accepted my fate, kissing Esme on the nose as I pulled out and she whimpered again. Smirking at her sweetness because it wasn't a side to her that came out very often. Had never been a side she liked to show. One it had taken me a long time to find hidden and secret beneath all those rough and wild layers of defense.

"To be continued," I said pecking her cheek, trailing teasing kisses down her body, leaving one between her legs that made her whine and then push me away, kicking at me playfully as she let out a dissatisfied sigh.

"Fuck sake John," she groaned as she pushed herself up and wrapped the covers around her. "I'm going to sleep, better not wake me up when you get back..." she threatened, her smouldering eyes teasing me, her sullen lips leaving me longing to kiss her again, push her buttons just a little more.

"Oh you'll be awake lass," I grinned, "Ada'll make sure of that..."

And Ada did make sure of that. She'd no patience because despite what he said, Arthur had done nothing to calm her on the journey home and even then, when I came stumbling into the corridor tugging my tshirt over my head, laughing at the drama of it all, Arthur was watching her despairing and nervous.

"Fuckin hell Ada some of us are tryna sleep here, its 4 in the fuckin mornin..." I said still chuckling, knowimg that I was risking her temper and carrying on anyway. I was her little brother afterall, I could get away with it if I tried.

"Perhaps you'd be having an easier night if you didn't always bend over backwards to accommodate our canniving pig of a brother," she said sharply, standing in the hallway lit up by the the little light coming in through the front door and the windows in the cieling.

She looked pale as a ghost and just as cold and I didn't know what to say to her because she wasn't wrong. Wasn't right either. I wouldn't have had an easier night because Tommy would have killed me and then he'd have sent someone else, someone like Isaiah, and then my ghost would have been haunting the halls all eternity with the guilt of having left my little sisters in the hands of someone else.

It wasn't that I wouldn't have trusted Isaiah with my sisters, it was that really when it came down to it, I didn't trust anyone with them. Not even my brothers. Not to do things right anyway.

If Arthur had gone for them he'd have lost his temper because he'd have been scared, because he'd have been paranoid that they didn't respect him, because he'd have been angry at himself for not being able to do as Tommy had asked. For not being the kind of brother his little baby sisters would trust.

If Tommy had gone, then the speech which had brought Sonya to petrified tears in the office that night, would have been given much sooner, with no care for the audience, no care for who was watching, recording or making notes. He'd have lost his temper because he'd have realised they only feared him, didn't respect him. And they were more delicate than either of them liked to let on. Sonya and Sylvia had always been a little less Shelby like our father. Much more like their mother than anyone wanted to admit.

I had noticed it in Sylvia straight away. The thin quality, that washed out pale tone, the greyish brown which shadowed her eyes, which lingered and left her looking tired. Sonya had hidden it better but I'd still seen it there. They were both just so much smaller than they should have been but I knew that if I mentioned it to my brothers they'd tell me I worried too much, that they were tougher than I gave them credit for.

"Ada love come on now eh its late, you'll wake the twins..." said Arthur, all sheepish and tired, one hand on the back of his neck, his features flushed, embarassed to be approaching 50 and still unable to quell his sisters temper. If there was one thing you could say about Ada it was that she'd always been the one to put us in our place. Humble us when we let our position and our reputation get to our heads.

"You care for their wellbeing so much then why in gods name would you drag em back to this fuckin place?" and then she sighed and shook her head, "fuckin go to bed arthur it aint you I need to speak to..."

"Tommys in his..." I trailed off when my eyes met my brothers down the hall, he was walking slowly, a shadow approaching, a cigarette unlit hanging between his lips.

"Ada love," he said making her jump but doing nothing to hush her or shake her determination. "Good to see you made it up safe an sound..." and when I saw his patronising little smile I resigned myself to a sleepless night and a long morning of achey heads and sore throats. Tension bristling.

It was exactly what we got, but not what we didn't deserve.

🔪🦢

"She won't forgive you you know..." said Polly the next morning when it was only myself and her left in the dining room.

Sylvie had left with an angry static buzzing all about her, Tommy had sent her to fetch Sonya and, in his usual tactless charm, had said something so patronising that I was surprised our Fen hadn't torn his head from his neck right in front of us.

"No," I said with a sad smirk, "Fens right, gonna fuck Sonyas whole career up ain't it, poor lass must fuckin hate us..." but when I said it Pol just chuckled and shook her head.

"I wasn't talking about Sonya," she said lighting up her cigarette and drawing in a long leisurely inhale, "Sonya knows she can't go back, I don't even think she's going to put up a fight..."

"Its Sonya who's losing her job not Sylvia," I shrugged a little confused, not understanding when Polly laughed.

"Ha," she said, "stupid lads the lot of you..." she turned her head from me, looking across the dining room and out the window at the gardens where the mist was just beginning to thin.

"What?" I couldn't keep the confusion off my face despite wanting to hide it, I hated it when she made me feel stupid like that, perhaps I deserved it, perhaps I was as daft as she said. Even so I didn't like the fact being highlighted so bluntly.

"Since their mother died those two girls have had only eachother... Their big brothers weren't there were they? In London? Learnt to look after one another didn't they..."

It was painful to hear it from her, our Aunt Pol who has always been the matriarch, the one who looked after us all, the one we all looked up to. She it was painful to hear her tell it so straight, how we'd let them down. How we'd abandoned them. Left two little girls down south on their own, fending for themselves among strangers.

"I should never have let him do that," said Polly then, her voice as dark and gravelly as her eyes, that harsh kind of doom lingering around her like a shadow. One of those auras she claimed to be able to see around people these days.

"When our Tom puts his mind to somet..." I started only to trail off, only to remember that none of us had really fought against it, "we all believed it was for the best..."

"Fools," murmured Pol sucking in another drag on her cigarette, watching the cloud of smoke linger and then disperse just in front of her, "the lot of us."

[wetcatspellcaster]

I am so curious to know the background on this! :D

“Now, sweetheart,” he commanded. “I think you should kiss me again. And if you can’t make it nice, at least make it interesting.”

So, he was leaving her to do all the work. Rosalie bit her lip, in uncertainty and in anger, as she examined him, puzzling out his motives. Was he trying to make her feel wretched, again? Forcing her to act, so she condemned herself?

She said she’d been to therapy - and she had, extensively - but there was always going to be that little pit of self doubt in her stomach, no matter what. Especially with Astarion.

It felt selfish, given how immensely she’d failed him, to turn over the other parts of their relationship like fossils for examination. But one of the cruellest parts, about never getting to see things through to end, was never knowing what they truly could’ve been - what he would’ve wanted with her, in time. She didn’t know what he liked, and what he’d pretended to like.

Hello lovely, thank you for sending the ask!

Read myself for filth, commentary one: The first two paragraphs is how a person who can't write E-rated fics tries to write D/S undertones without writing enough spice to ever actually earn those tags. Never sure if I'm successful, but my god I could be a Level 7 rogue for the amount I dance around things and evade them.

So this is one of the few times Rose gets close to a good insight check, I guess bc the DC is lower than average! Astarion was trying to humiliate her, force her to admit she wanted him, force her to act on her own initiative rather than be 'seduced', meaning that she is culpable and cannot deny that fact later on. Wouldn't make sense for him to be lying about that, in fact it serves him and his purpose to make it very, very obvious, bc that makes it all the more embarrassing for her at her end.

Astarion does love her/want her, etc (that's what he's rolling deception on lmao). But he does also want her to condemn herself, it's a game. He wants to prove he has power over her, to prove she was wrong for abandoning him, and he's also testing her. He is making her physically uncomfortable, yet she's seemingly unable to resist or leave, regardless. He is also testing to see if she falls for the trap he sets for everyone: of deciding whether she is attracted to him enough to ignore all her other morals and constraints, and will thus place herself wilfully in danger.

As to the final two paragraphs - this Tav has some absolutely rock bottom self esteem, even if in this AU timeline she's kind of too powerful for that to serve her anymore, honestly. But another thing about getting an Evil Ending with a break up is that her relationship with Astarion was: Act 1 seduction: 'I successfully romanced him, oh no it turns out it was all an act', Act 2 'I don't think we should have sex anymore, idk if we ever will again': 'oh no, everything I did before now was making him uncomfortable and I never realised', then Act 3: turbo charged sex demon tells you you're worthless. So I feel like it makes sense for her to have a lot of self doubt around sex or intimacy with Astarion, bc she doesn't have any real knowledge of what the man she knew would've wanted - they never got to unpack what parts were an act and which parts weren't, and they crucially never got their graveyard resolution scene.

She has no belief that she ever correctly understood what he wanted or needed and so yeah. She'd be scared of getting it wrong again. What if he was doing all this just to turn around and tell her that she was never what he wanted at all?

She is also just... very attracted to him :') that makes a lot of people self-conscious in these kind of situations lmao

And yeah, I think that that kind of petty, insignificant insecurity carries a lot of guilt as well. I do think she's talked about it in therapy. Your boyfriend lost his soul while you watched... why would you obsess over whether the physical intimacy was good or not? That's cringe, and way down the list of priorities. But it's also a very human insecurity and she's fallible, so unfortunately it is there.

Hope that this was in any way interesting! :)

DVD commentary ask

[myloveforhergoeson]

1 thru 10 for rames 👀👀👀

EHEHEHHE hiiii!! thank you! i love all of these loll

who fell first? who fell harder?

(<- can't get rid of?) james fell first. lmao. no funny comment no jokes he's just that kinda guy, and he's liked roxy for a long long time. as for who fell harder... well... i'd say it's up for debate. in my mind, it's roxy, just because i've got the timeline of their relationship so permanently etched into my brain i might as well get it tattooed in the back of my eyes or something. but from just the writing + whats out of the story, i think the case could be made for james as well!

2. who is the one who fusses the most? does their s/o mind very much?

rox for sureee. we all saw how she was when he got sick! miss girl was good and freaked; almost felt sick herself just looking at him. wrapped him up in a blanked burrito, tried to give him as much medicine as she could, sat and played her guitar for him. she was so worried! james, though unwell, lapped that shit up tho. he looooves it - doesn't mind at all. he's not superrr fussy i'd say in general because he knows she can take care of herself pretty well, but he has his moments for sure. roxys usually 50/50 about being ok with it or not bc she knows he has good intentions

3. what is their love language?

call me a hater but i've never really understood only having one major love language (sorry), i think it's more of a combination of multiple that help made a good relationship among many other things. for roxy, i'd say she's more inclined to lean into quality time overall, just being around james and hanging out together as much as they can is her favorite thing ever. even if they're not doing anything particularly special, it's still important to her that they're doing it together. that, coupled with words of affirmation through songwriting is mostly how she's able to express her feelings (maybe that can also count for receiving gifts if we call each song one?), though if james did press her she could be able to fumble out some affirmations here and there :) for james, i'd say physical touch is huge for him - he's pretty much always got a hand on her somewhere if they're close enough. secondary for him is also words of affirmation and it comes much easier to verbally communicate for him than it is for her!

4. has either oc ever gotten a hickey off the other? what was their reaction?

ya. i'll put it in tasw when im not too embarrassed to write it and when i think their relationship is crossing into more physically intimate lines (though they are minors so nothing explicit will be written about them just as a sidenote). i'd say roxy is actually quite the demon about it, though she isn't leaving them where people would likely see because she'd get bashful about it. surprised james at first, and he's not fond of it happening too often bc bruises + his beautiful skin don't pair well. but as long as she asks first and he agrees he's fine to wait out the few days it takes to disappear. other way around, it's not his go to move because he knows it'll embarrass her if someone says something. so if he wants to leave one its going somewhere someone can't see. if he asks first she will also be okay with it every once and a while!

5. what is something they like to do together?

they're still honeymoon phasing it for the most part so just being together at all is something the two of them love. they haven't really found their thing yet, but music does really connect them. she's becoming more open to letting him hear her works in progress and he's learning a lot about her through that! they also like to make out :) a lot :)

6. who would ask the 'would you love mf if i were a worm?' question? how would their s/o answer?

james is asking and roxy is telling him no she would not!

see morning glory (2.4):

“James, that was incredible!” Roxy praised, reaching over the railing to pull the item off the line and onto the stairs with them. “Where did you learn how to do that?”

Had it not been for the darkness of the outer edges of the studio, she might have seen how red his cheeks grew at her amazement. “My dad liked to fish.”

There was something off about the way he said that, as if there was a bit more to the statement than he was letting on, but now certainly wasn’t the time to pry. Instead, the writer nodded, “So does mine! He took me with him once when I was little, but I cried when I learned he used live worms as bait.”

“Aww,” He voiced sympathetically, before taking his pointer finger and wiggling it around right before her very eyes. “Little Roxy couldn’t stand to see the worms?”

With her free hand, she knocked his out of the way and failed at concealing her laughter. “No! I couldn’t then and I can’t now! All they do is dig around in the dirt and poop and-”

7. who likes forehead kisses? who likes hand kisses? who likes neck kisses?

though they both do generally, roxy roxy roxy. lol. no elaboration on this one sorry!

8. who is the big spoon? little spoon?

depends on the situation, if they're just sleeping james is typically big spoon and rox is little spoon just because they fit better that way, but in times when he's sick or needs some extra comfort or she's feeling extra clingy she's happy to hold him in return :) they're versatile lol

9. if there wasn't enough seats, how would they sit? one on the others lap? one on the armrest? one on the floor in front of them?

she's in his lap immediately lmaooooo. most of the time it's because he's pulling her there! goes along w number 3

10. who plays with whose hair?

roxyyyy she loves his hair soo much! he takes good care of it so its extra soft and so smooth and she loves having her fingers in it. screwing up his do be damned! james will too, mostly if they're just watching tv or something he'll braid hers or put it up in funny ways to amuse himself. but if they're cuddling or whatever she's usually got her hands in his hair and he's usually got his on her body lol. <- guy who worked so hard on his washboard abs to fall for a hair girl

RAHH OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS WAS SO FUN😭🙏 some flying into your inbox very soon <3

send me a number 11-100 to learn more about rames!!!

[tiodolma]

"if merlin didn't listen to the warnings then he and morgana would have worked so well!" you mean if merlin turned to the dark side and didn't care that morgana became a cruel and mercilless person trying to kill everyone and destroy everything? then yeah. but that's not merlin. he turned his back on morgana for a reason. after trying to help her for years she still just wanted them all dead, including ppl who had always tried to help her like merlin and gwen

I don't understand your reasoning. what you want is for merlin to have been another cruel person killing all of his friends just bc he and morgana liked and respected each other in s1. the reason they stopped liking esch other is precisely bc morgana became a horrible cruel person who wanted him and his friends dead and tried to accomplish this multiple times

merlin knew about morgana's true nature waaaay before anyone was putting pressure on him to distrust her. he knew about the things she was doing and planning before even arthur knew. merlin's distrust didn't come from a bunch of people repeatedly telling him to distrust her

you're giving morgana fans a bad name with these takes

you guys are so funny tbh.

morgana wanted uther dead first and foremost. morgana saw that uther delusional rule is causing more harm than good. She had run out of options to counter him. S2 showed how much she bargained, pleaded, used the system, used her priviliege, anything just to get the king to listen. She had no allies in court, no one powerful or magic-inclined publicly on her side. What was she supposed to do in the face of the tyranny and injustice? She already knew she had magic. She was scared for her life. Merlin and Gaius shunned her and made her think she was mad. Ofc she'd turn to the radicals who offered her a way out. There was no more option left. Morgana had to take up arms. No one else was showing her a way out of the misery under Uther's rule.

Merlin, Arthur and Guinevere already knew how energetic, how spitfire, how driven she could be as well as her kindness and justice. She always used her privilege to help others even before Arthur did. But tell me. If you were in her place. If you watched the people of camelot not bat an eye when the king ordered children, their neighbors, innocent people to die, would you have still wished the best for camelot? i ask that in your heart. what would you do to the city who would just allow the king to murder innocents, your friend's father or YOU DEAD just for existing?

What was needed for merlin, especially merlin was to, really show morgana THAT HE UNDERSTOOD. THAT SHE WAS NOT ALONE. THAT SHE WAS NOT CRAZY. THAT HER HATE FOR UTHER WAS JUSTIFIED BUT HER METHODS ARE NOT. but did he ever do thi in s2? NO. HE DIDNT.

Look I don't want Merlin to exactly be like her. But Morgana was still human, she deserved to be given the truth, she deserved to feel bitter, to be angry, to feel hate and resentment, to be told that someone IN CAMELOT really truly did understand her and can help in a concrete and tangible way. She needed to be assured that the injustice will stop in a definite way. She needed to understand that Merlin was working for a definite (?) goal and not just stopping her in the name of "Friendship." Morgana was and has always been fighting against the State, against systemic injustice. Friendship and Love aren't enough gravitas for her to stop the fight anymore.

Morgana was scared for her life jfc. She didn't want to die for being who she was. She felt alone. She needed someone WITH MAGIC to console her. It's the least anyone could have ever done. BUT OUR PROTAGONIST HAVE BEEN WARNED REPEATEDLY NOT TO TREAT HER KINDLY. THEY TOOK HER AGENCY AWAY FROM HER AND SHIELDED HER FROM THE TRUTH.

come on man. you anons are as paranoid as the stupid dragon. You dont treat scared and desperate people like that. you tell them the truth. you tell them they're not alone. you dont drug them and tell them their fears are just in their head for their own safety. you dont use their nightmares of you against them for your advantage. you dont brag about killing their family and friends on their faces. that will just make them vulnerable to further manipulation and madness. you'll just push them away. desperate people with no choice will usually have one way out left. drugs, violence, reckless behavior, insurgency. jfc. look at the real world. systemic injustice always creates more criminals and dissenters. thats why decent prison systems hear them out, put them on rehab, on therapy, grant amnesty and give them better chance at life. LET THEM HEAL. PROVIDE THEM AN OPPORTUNITY TO HEAL. ACCOUNTABILITY, UNDERSTANDING, TRUTH AND HEALING IS THE OTHER WAY.

Just admit it man. Merlin did wrong by her. He really really fucked up. Gaius and Kilgharrah fucked Merlin up so bad he abandoned all the goodness and fairness he had in Ealdor and turned him into a ruthless vigilante and kililng machine that has the power to decide who to eliminate or save just because of their potential as threat while acting above and beyond the law of the soveregin he swore to serve and protect.

[vrabbiit]

Hope this is okay to ask, but how do you think Freddy, Sun, and Moon would react to their S/O being scolded/talked down to by an angry patron/parent/etc to the point of tears? (Definitely not projecting bc a lady chewed me out over the phone not even an hour into my 8 hour shift and made me cry in front of my boss lol nope no way--)

ohhh boy i hope you're ok anon!!! but i can relate hard to this so i hope it makes you feel better! i ended up writing full on short-fics for this, whoops!

Warnings: Mentions of a panic attack (doesn't happen in the writing though!)

Glamrock Freddy |✧˖*°࿐ . . .

Freddy may be the pinnacle of politeness and good customer service, but even he has his limits. And this patron, from what he'd seen around the Pizzaplex, was pushing them as far as she could. He hesitated to use the word "Karen" (not that he necessarily understood the meme), but with the way she was admonishing the few human staff with barely a glance at the children she was dragging behind her, it would probably be an apt description. He'd seen her complain at the entrance staff for her having to queue like everyone else, heard her raise her voice when the food she'd snappily ordered "wasn't hot enough", and even witnessed her huff because her child wasn't allowed to jump the queue at Fazer Blast.

All of that, he could keep his composure through. If he gave the clearly exhausted workers a sympathetic word or glance through the day, that was just him being a good coworker.

His absolute limit came, however, when he saw the woman round on you. Simply walking through the Pizzaplex in uniform (even though he knew it was your lunch break) had painted a target on your back for the unpleasant parent, and he watched from a distance as she stalked up to you and tapped your shoulder much more harshly than necessary. He couldn't quite hear what you said, but before you could finish your sentence the sound of her shrill voice pierced his ears, interrupting you. Rude.

Your eyes widened slightly, and you shook your head, presumably trying to explain that whatever she wanted from you, you couldn't do, because you were of course on your break. Ms Karen didn't like that one bit, and her voice raised even more, even going so far as to jab at your chest with clear intention to point out your attire.

The following events happened so fast that you don't think you could have explained it if you tried. One second, you were getting talked down by possibly the most unpleasant patron you'd ever encountered. There was a tightness in your chest that hadn't been there before, and you felt your eyes well up even as you pushed them back with everything you could. The next, there was a blur of orange behind her shoulder and you watched as the very face of the franchise approached. There wasn't much room for expression on Freddy's face, being a robot and such, but you could tell he was not happy.

"Excuse me," he spoke, and you didn't miss the absence of any sort of "ma'am" or "miss" in his wording. "Is there a reason you're harassing a staff member on their break?" Straight to the point. The woman turned, clearly expecting to see a human she could unleash her venom onto, and she stopped in her tracks, taken aback by the idea of being confronted by a robot of all things. She started speaking, then cut herself off, before taking a second to compose herself.

"This employee," and she wrinkled her nose at the word, "just refused to show my children to the arcade," she huffed. Freddy gave you a look now that the woman's back was to you, eyes softening, and you quickly took a moment to wipe your eyes and catch your breath. You hadn't quite tipped over the edge into a panic attack, but it had been close.

"That is because they are on their break, and even if they weren't, taking care of your children is not their job." Back to addressing her, any sort of softness he'd shown you had vanished. He was being perfectly polite, using a matter-of-fact tone, but you could tell from his bluntness that he was mad. "They clearly weren't doing anything, though!" the woman protested, and if he could roll his eyes, you knew Freddy would have. He knew just as well as you that you'd been walking on the way to get your lunch.

"May I remind you," (and there was a definite pointed threat behind the politeness in his voice), "that parents are not to leave children under 13 unattended in the Pizzaplex. Any guardian found doing so will be prosecuted for child abandonment and asked to leave. It was in the entrance waiver you signed." Her kids were definitely not above the age of 10, and while you hardly believe that what Freddy was saying was actually a completely legal clause (or even one that was in the rules of the establishment), you knew for a fact that the woman had signed the waiver to get into the Pizzaplex without reading it.

She knew that too and froze. Then, without giving you a second glance, she turned and tugged her children away, mumbling about how "people don't understand how hard it is to be a mother of two boys," and "couldn't she have just a moment to herself.

As soon as she was gone, Freddy was back to his usual comforting self, taking your hand and guiding you out of the main atrium without a word. As soon as you were out of the public eye, you squeezed his hand and he turned to face you.

"Are you alright?" He moved to hold your shoulders, searching your face with worry. You nodded, although now that the situation was over you sagged slightly, exhaustion peeking through now the panic was gone.

"Yeah, I'm okay," you sighed, "I should've known better than to walk near her when everyone was already complaining about how she talked to people."

"That is not your fault," he admonished, although there was no harshness behind it. He pulled you into a hug, his arms around you helping you ground yourself back to normal. He waited until you were ready to pull back, and if it took longer than the "normal" time for a hug, he didn't complain. Soon, you were back to your regular self enough to joke.

"Y'know, her face, when she saw it was you talking to her, was priceless," you smiled, even if it was still weak. "I bet she never expected that she was going to get told off by Freddy Fazbear himself."

Freddy just chuckled, a sheepish sound even with his confidence. "I don't like telling off patrons, but she deserved it." You slipped out of his arms, brushing yourself off and catching a glimpse of your face in a glass surface nearby. Although your eyes were still red-rimmed, you'd managed to hold back the tears pretty well, and you didn't quite look as shell-shocked.

"Yeah, she did."

Sun and Moon |✧˖*°࿐ . . .

Since you started helping Sun in the Daycare, you've seen your fair share of... shall we say, stressed parents. Mostly, the kind of people who dropped their kids off at the Pizzaplex were the kind who worked all day or just those who had the money to pawn their kids off to someone else. You didn't complain, of course - it's good that kids had a place to come and play and learn formative skills, and Sun was an absolute angel with them all.

You noticed quickly, however, that people seemed to unanimously prefer talking to you over the Daycare Attendant, even though you were new. Some of them had even said to you, in hushed tones, that they were "so glad an actual person was making sure their kids were safe." To which you'd politely responded that Sun was fitted out with the most state-of-the-art security measures, and if anything was to happen, he would be more than capable of protecting the kids. Most accepted it, or at least stopped trying to bad-mouth them to you, sensing you didn't share their views, but one such parent did not get the hint.

It was the father of one of the little girls who spent a lot of time in the Daycare, and as he waited by the security desk for Sun to bring his daughter over, he expressed the usual sceptical sentiment to you. You responded, as usual, expecting the conversation to be over, but instead, he just huffed, eyeing you with a disdain you hadn't expected.

"You're just saying that because it does your job for you, though." He scoffed, not letting you get a word in before he continued. "Not everyone's hardworking, I get it, and it's so easy to sit and let these machines do all the work."

"Sir-" you started but were quickly interrupted.

"I just don't understand why you'd work in childcare if you're going to put those children in danger every single day. I'd quit if I were you." Even if they were untrue, the words cut deep. Is this what the parents thought of you? And why was he saying it as if it was your fault Sun existed?

Before you could even respond, you were saved by Sun skipping over, the man's child in tow. He didn't even respond to the Attendant's polite small talk, just giving you a dirty look and leading his daughter out of the Daycare. Sun turned to you, seemingly confused before they spotted your face.

"Sunshine, are you okay?"

You hadn't realised, but you'd been stuck shell-shocked for the past few seconds. You looked up at him, eyes wide before you shook your head.

"I think I just got called bad at my job."

The way he'd said it, so matter of fact, had surprisingly shaken you, and Sun watched with growing concern as you explained the conversation. When you finished, they quickly pulled you into a hug, a murmur of "Oh dear," accompanying his embrace. They pulled back after a second, studying your face and saying your name in a way that suggested they were very serious for once.

"Please listen to me. That man has no idea what he's talking about," Sun said, pausing to make sure you understood. "All of the kids love you, some even more than me!" You let out a weak laugh at that - it's true that some of the children had recently latched onto you, and it brought you a little bit back to yourself.

"I think..." you started, unsure of how to word what you were thinking. "I'm more upset that he thought you were dangerous."

"He's not entirely wrong," Sun commented, "Moon is ready to do some very bad things if they see him." Despite there being no semblance of a joke, you laugh anyway. Leaning your head into their chest, you relax as much as you can. While it'll take more than an insult to completely rock your confidence, you're still hurt at the idea that the parents you talk to so casually could turn on you that quick. Still, Sun doesn't say any more about it and you think that you've moved on.

The same cannot be said for Moon.

When the Daycare lights go off, you feel a shadow immediately.

"Hi Moon," you greet the other side of the Daycare Attendant, but something feels wrong.

"You're still bothered by that man," he says. It's not a question.

You sigh, pivoting to face the animatronic in the dark. "Sometimes, people say things that are cruel. We move on from it, but it doesn't mean they don't hurt still."

"It's not true."

"I know, Moon. I know." You know they're trying to help in their own way, and as you turn to finish tidying the security desk (the only source of light in the room beside Moon's eyes) he leans himself across you, pulling you back into their chest. He's comforting you, in his own weird way, and you resign yourself to the fact that the so-called "dangerous one" out of him and Sun is going to be extremely clingy until they are sure you're not upset anymore.

[shespeaksinsongs]

🌷 - give me any scenario with any hp character, nsfw or not, and i'll write the other character's pov for you!

Draco getting distant with you because his Dad was threatening him that he was gonna transfer him to Durmstrang bc you're a 'distraction' and he just get real abusive w him and Draco can't help but push you away

And you're j like "let me love you, I don't care, please just- Draco show me your worst side and let me love you anyway"

[feel free to do this one a lil longer if you'd like to]

ooh i like how this one turned out. you know i hate angst, so i tried really hard on this one

TW: SELF-HARM MENTIONED ONCE.

Draco,

I write this letter to you in an unhappy mood. Recent talk of you and Y/N has been circulating around the wizarding world. If I hear of you associating with the Y/L/N girl again, I won't hesitate to transfer you to Durmstrang. Think well about your choices, son. You don't want to know what happens when you disappoint me.

Sincerely,

Lucius Malfoy

His father's letter replayed in his head - over and over. It was his duty. It was what he had to do, or Merlin knows what would happen to him. But still, Draco feared letting her go might be the worst mistake of his life, should he bring himself to really do it.

He'd neglected her for six days now. He'd been counting. He ignored her curious comments to him while they were in class. He'd retracted his hands whenever Y/N would try to hold them. He'd abstained from the morning kisses. he'd plant on her lips before heading off to their next classes.

And still, with all this torture to the both of them, he couldn't stay away from her.

-

She laid in the bathtub, fully clothed, completely dry, as she stared at the ceiling blankly. It was unconventional, but it was the only place she could get privacy from her roommates.

"What have I done?" She asked herself, repeating it to the point of tears streaming out her eyes. Each breath she took felt like a stab to the heart. She pulled her hair at the scalp, fighting the urge to slap herself in the face until she was bruised. "Merlin, please tell me what I did wrong." She pleaded aloud, hoping that by some grace, a god would hear her prayers and grant her wish.

Draco wasn't just the love of Y/N's life. He was the love for her life. Nobody was more perfect for her than him. He understood her when she was sad, knew when to give her space, and when to give her affection. But most importantly, he knew her inside-out, and at times, that was more than Y/N knew about herself.

She cried and cried, so much that if she'd been crying under a seed, a tree would've grown in its place.

Draco came in, in the midst of all this. Although he was hurt and concerned, he took a deep breath, remembering what he had to do to protect her.

"What's wrong, Y/N?" He asked, despite his promise to himself to keep away from her soft aura. "Did I do something?"

Y/N kept sobbing into her hands, shaking her head profusely. "No." Her voice cracked. "It's something I did."

"Well, don't worry, we can fix it together, but first, what's going on?" Draco said, kicking his shoes off to get in the dry bathtub with her.

Y/N cried further, feeling how difficult it was for Draco to comfort her. "What did I do to you?" She asked, looking the Slytherin in his sad, blue eyes. "What did I do? Did-did I flirt with somebody unknowingly? Are you punishing me for something? Why are you-" She stopped to look down at her laps again, unable to keep eye contact. with the boy she loved more than anyone else. "Why are you pushing me away?"

Draco sighed deeply, opening his arms. "Come here." He said quietly, prompting Y/N to cling around his neck as if he'd disappear if she'd responded a second too late. He rocked her side to side, caressing her hair as she got his t-shirt wet and stained his skin with tear marks.

Y/N was still distraught, but relieved to finally be in his arms once again. She took a deep breath through the mouth, unable to breathe through her stuffed nose, and looked up. "What did I do, Dray?"

"You haven't done anything wrong, angel." He said, his waterline forming tears.

Y/N sniffled, tearing up again. "If that were true, you wouldn't be crying." She said, wiping tears off his face with the warm and delicate touch she'd reserved only for him.

"It's really complicated, my love. I don't know if I should tell you." He said, shutting his eyes when Y/N nuzzled her face into his neck.

"Please just tell me, Draco. I'm begging you." She whimpered, her voice muffled and congested.

"My father sent me a letter a week ago. He said that if I kept dating you he'd send me away to Durmstrang. I have to do this. For us."

Y/N looked down at their laps, one sitting on top of the other. She sniffled, biting the inside of her cheek as if it'd help keep the tears at bay. "Two more years with you at the same school," She cried, shaking her head. "would mean nothing to me if I never got to hold you again. Fuck, Draco, don't you see I need to love you?"

Draco grimaced, realizing she was right, but unsure of what to say next. "So, you're okay if I have to leave home?" He asked, referring to Hogwarts.

Y/N nodded, wiping some more tears off her face. "What's a few years on the rest of our lives?" She asked, hoping he'd feel the same.

Draco pulled her chin up, watching her face go redder when he semi-forced her to look him in the eyes. He brought her closer so their lips ghosted each other as he spoke. "Remind me to never lose you again." He said, his lips smashing on hers in the most deeply sorrowful, yet passionate kiss they'd had yet. They kissed until they were sure their energy had been imprinted into empty space.

"You never lost me." Y/N laughed, sniffing her nose up. "It's you and me forever." She said, kissing him again.

[gunsforcait]

This has been explained many times since chapter 138 came out, but because even I am having a hard time processing it, I wanna talk about the many reasons why the dream wasn't only Mikasa's, and Eren has loved her for a long time.

The logical reasons: All the subtle hints that have been given through the series that Eren holds Mikasa dearly, and why he was obviously lying at the table scene. (He was an asshole for telling her all of those things but still)

Eren wouldn't lie to her like this if he really hated her, specially not this Eren, specially not after she'd given him the strength to keep fighting and not give up.

When he worried about her broken ribs in ch51, when he looked back at her and thought about getting back his home in rts, when he accepted her emotional support by opening grisha's books together, when he encouraged her to show her hizuru tattoo bc he knew it would be the best thing for her. Moments where he worried about her and supported her.

Then we have the chapter 123 scene. It would not make sense for Eren to ask that "what am I to you?" question if he wasn't seeking for a specific kind of answer. After all, it's been three years and by this point Eren was probably aware that what he felt for Mikasa wasn't just mere affection, and as a last resort before giving in to his future, he sought for something that wouldn't make him hate himself, even if it was just for a moment.

All because he knew that Mikasa cares for him a lot (even if his dense mind didn't know for sure that she loves him)

Then we get Eren and Zeke's conversation. Eren actively asked Zeke about her, wether the fact that she cared for him was something related to her bloodline or something else, because he doesn't believe he's worthy of being loved and cared for like Mikasa does.

Zeke answers that there's no such thing as an ackerbond and tells him that she probably just "likes you so much that she'd snap a titan's neck for you" but by that time, Eren knows it's too late for him, too late for them. So he shrugs it off and tells him he can't do anything about it bc he only has four years left.

This imo is another sign that he wants her to forget him bc he doesn't want to hurt her. He knows now that she loves him, but he cannot be selfish and have a future with her, so for her own sake, he tries his best to try to make her stop loving him or forget him.

It's been shown multiple times in the manga, with the table scene (sigh), when he told louise to throw the scarf away, and in their dream when they hugged and he told her to please forget him when he's gone, basically telling her to move on and live a long, happy life without him.

The memory shards. Normally I wouldn't have paid much attention to them, but the fact that Mikasa is in the biggest one's twice, and is the biggest focus on the third one isn't a coincidence.

(Also I'll just mention how they're shards of two of the most pivotal moments of their relationship but let's keep going)

This scene shows to me that he had a moment of weakness when he saw that innocent and beautiful moment between the two of them again, after so long. I think he understood fully why Mikasa clings so much to that moment for comfort.

And at last we get the shared dream, alternative universe, previous timeline or whatever it was. A different version of events where Mikasa told him she'd be happy by living the rest of his four years together in peace. He accepts her proposal and they run away together.

They spend the next four years getting closer and building their relationship, specially after knowing that they both share romantic feelings for the other. It gets to a point where they're so comfortable with each other that they're basically in a relationship, hence shown by the physical closeness that they show to each other in this dimension with that hug, and the way she held his head as he was about to die.

Which brings me to the main point of this post. This scenario was shared for one main reason: the very first time we see Eren and Mikasa together in the manga.

Not only Eren sees Mikasa saying goodbye to him in that au, but he realizes that her hair has grown longer compared to how it looked two minutes ago in that dream. He saw it. He was part of it.

Now, to Mikasa's pov. We don't know for sure what her headaches meant, but they're most likely related to that dream. Probably caused by Eren, trying to break through her Ackerman lineage to make her see this dream. It was heavily implied in 138.

In this very moment, Mikasa is finally seeing that dream too. She was able to remember everything that happened in it.

And I wanna put emphasis on the fact that this dream is fabricated by both Eren and Mikasa. Things happened the way they did in there because they were both free to choose the events of it, hence why Isayama said it was "Mikasa's ideal". Yes, her answer to his question in the refugee camp in that universe was her ideal. She has shown remorse about saying "you're family" to him. But that alternative answer was what she would've liked to say.

Eren, nevertheless, accepted that answer and ran away with her. He's the one leading their path in this panel which makes me think that he's the one who actually proposed to run away for real.

So, back to our reality in chapter 138, Mikasa has seen everything. Remembers everything. She's experienced four years of "married" life with Eren in seconds. And she knows that Eren has seen it, too. That he loves her back, and that he never hated her.

But she also knows that the Eren in this reality is too far gone. So she ends it. She kills him and ends it all, remembering the moment he died in their shared dream. She tells him "See you later, Eren" and then holds his head in her hands and kisses him goodbye.

She said goodbye to him in the exact same way that she did in their dream.

The Mikasa that hadn't experienced 4 years alone in a cabin with Eren would get nervous any time he got too close to her or get all red when he asked a romantically coded question. If she didn't have that closeness to him normalized, she would have never kissed him like that.

If Isayama had meant for that moment to be gruesome and hard to look at, he wouldn't have made Eren's expression look so peaceful when they kissed. He would've looked more like this.

We know Isayama isn't scared of showing impactful images like that, so if he had wanted to, he would have done it. But that wasn't what he was trying to convey.

In other words, eremika canon. Thanks for reading👍

[cowboylikedean]

Ig I couldn't get over how gross some of Spikes actions were? Like with the attempted rape and android arc lmfao. Granted Buffy had her moments when she'd overpower Spike and kick the shit out of him just bc she felt like it so it's not that I have her on a pedestal. I also recognize while that Spike did bring out the worst in her, he also brought out her will to live again or at least played a large role in that which i do find beautiful. Alternately she made him a better person.

But ultimately while there was that passion there, they also were abusi e and destructive. And if that's were the discomfort stems from. But I havnt watched season 7 yet so my feelings could change lol. I do think theyre great characters though I'm not generally prudish about liking villains, in fact they're usually my faves! Tell me your thoughts on Spuffy!?

I can understand how if you haven’t seen season 7 and soulled!Spike it would be harder to move past the abuse of their past.

In response to your feelings... I have a lot of very unpopular opinions about the bathroom scene (attempted rape). I think there are three perspectives here, Buffy’s, Spike’s and the truth. 

Buffy’s perspective is that this guy she’d be hate sleeping with as an unorthodox form of self harm shows up at a terrible moment after she broke up with him in a moment of clarity and he hurt one of her best friends emotionally and now she’s tired and in physical pain and just wants to take a bath. She’s annoyed and frustrated. She starts the interaction from a place of annoyance and doesn’t give him a chance to not be awful, she assumes he’s gonna suck... Because she’s already annoyed. He reacts and she gives him a tiny bit of sympathy and then he tries to rape her. She’s finds justification in her previous decision to dump his ass.

Spike’s perspective is that the woman he loves and has been sleeping with all year dumps him seemingly out of nowhere. He does not have a soul required for the capacity to understand her human perspective of love and equates love with sex. He shows up because he’s in an incredible amount of emotional pain and just needs to know what happened between them so he can try to understand and feel a little better. She doesn’t give him a chance and is rude to him right from the start. His confusion grows and he still does not understand. He expresses this frustration and gets a little sympathy, which he takes as an indication things could go back to how they were. In fact, he feels like he’s finally figured it out! She does love him! She’s just afraid and looking for “trust” but they have a love that transcends trust! He tries to get to her to admit it and she doesn’t because he is mistaken in thinking he understands.. That doesn’t work and his frustration kicks in and he tries to hold her and physically make her feel it. The more she resists, the more frustrated he gets until he’s literally about to rape her. She kicks him off and he realizes what he’s done and he’s horrified. He just tried to rape her. In that moment he doesn’t understand his previous thoughts and he’s faced with the reality that no matter how contained he is, he is still a monster. “Ask me again why I could never love you” is a reminder that he is not good enough for her and he immediately feels that deep within himself, which is why he goes to get his soul.

The truth is a combination of these two perspectives. They are both true. One is not more true than the other. Buffy had all right to be pissed off when she first saw him and he had all right to want to talk. What he did was awful and justification that she made the right decision at the end of As You Were and it was a reminder that he was beneath her and not good enough for her and loving her required a soul. It was both horrendous and informed by an inability to understand the nuance of love without a soul. 

My opinion is that this scene cannot be truly understood or appreciated from a narrative perspective without the truth... AKA, without both Buffy and Spike’s perspectives. That’s super unpopular.. But I think without Spikes’s full perspective of this scene, the full scope of his conversations with Clem before he leaves to get his soul and his decision to win his soul back in the first place don’t have their full weight and meaning.

As far as BuffyBot... I have always seen Seasons 5 and 6 as a learning arc for Spike. He starts learning how to be good. He starts learning how to love and care about someone. And he’s not perfect, but he’s learning. The BuffyBot was gross, as was him tying her up in Crush. But honestly so was the fact that she treated his affections like they were the most disgusting thing ever  He wanted to admire her and feel admired and respected back. I don’t blame him for those feelings. The way he went about it was wrong... But he learned and understood that in Intervention when Buffy kissed him. 

Mostly, what helps me to not feel extremely uncomfortable is that I watch the show from Spike’s perspective first. I understand his thoughts and motives before anything else. So I’m able to look at the BuffyBot as a misguided attempt to feel respected by Buffy after she so deeply disrespected him rather than a disgusting dehumanizing sexually objectifying way to have sex with Buffy. 

But the abusive and destructive parts of Spuffy are incredible to me because they aren’t one sided. They’re awful to each other. She uses him for sex and as a surrogate self harm  and refuses to talk to him about it. She calls on him when she wants something, but is not interested in anything else. She hols him in this unfair middle ground where she both treats him as a respected ally and treats him like absolute trash and it’s a guessing game to him which version of her he’ll get tonight. It’s not just him that’s destructive and abusive. 

But in season 7, they grow a lot. You really can’t appreciate Spuffy without season 7. Soulled!Spike is a whole different character to learn and explore. I encourage you to watch it. 

[warnerbro]

NOTHING mEANs EVERything

Boo: [What was she doing there? What in the world was she--- Cilla Dodgeson's blonde hair whipped around the corner, once more, as Boo stuck like glue to the wall. It was the ghost of ex girlfriend past, and of course Donnie's arm was around her. There they were, haunting Boo, as any ghost would; tormenting him. As if supporting Donnie at soccer games wasn't enough. As if kissing that stupid guy in front of him wasn't enough. No, she was haunting him, and making sure he'd remember her and see her face every chance he'd get. Especially at that stupid party. So he took one look at her and scRUNCHED HIS NOSE, AND SCOFFED BEfORE TAKING A NICE GULP OF SOME MIXED DRINK]

Cilla: [Cilla's honestly thinking to herself, why am I at a college party? I don't even like high school parties that much. Maybe these are better? Eh. Anyway, she was just here because Donnie wanted her to come with him. Something about it being important for her to come with him? Whatever. But yikes. She notices Boo is there too, and of course, why wouldn't he be? Wasn't this a soccer team sort of party? Heck. She grimaces so hard. But she huddles further into Donnie, like, keep me away from these drunk people. I'm tiny.]

Boo: [Melissa, of course, sees his discomfort. She walked right up to him and suggested they should leave, right there but no. Not tonight. He wouldn't be running away from that girl anymore, so he took one more drink and shook his head.] No, I'm spectacular. Just get me trashed. [So she nodded and disappeared for a minute and returned with libations. He tried not to stare. Boy, Willy, did he try not to stare, but of course he did, as even when he felt like he should hate her, he really didn't, and couldn't.]*

Cilla: [As Cilla is probably unable to keep her peripheral vision off of Boo, she sees that snake in the grass approach Boo, and that only serves to make her grimace even harder and tense even more. Donnie notices this. He raises an eyebrow at her, asking what was wrong.] Just not used to this... I guess. [She gave an awkward laugh, and Donnie gave her this smile, told her how adorable she was, and handed her a cup with what she guessed was alcohol in it. Oh, cool. Though, in her state of 'kill me now' she took a laRGE sip of it, and then coughed because wtf is this stuff he just gave me it is strong stuff. Donnie patted her back, and told her to slow down to which she just nodded. Yikey.]

Boo: [he wasn't quite seeing double yet. Moments had passed. Beer pong match after pong match. There were some quarters involved with a shot glass, and Melissa had even pulled him away to play a round of flip cup. She was great at distracting him. It worked, but Boo couldn't forget about that blonde-haired girl. Nope. She stayed in the back of hIS mind, and Boo had assumed to the side of a certain Rocket boy. His stomach tied in drunken knots he felt sick at that notion. He was still in control of most of his functions and though he swore he wasn't intoxicated, he could feel his inhibitions escaping to freedom. His eyes scanned the room once more. Melissa was nowhere to be found, and he was on his way to find somewhere to sit down, alone. To think. To escape the embarrassment of how he felt-- ashamed that Cilla wasn't with him and instead with that assclown of a person. He found the perfect place up the stairs and down the hallway.]

Cilla: [The room. It was spinning. Yup. The lights were merging together. How much did she have, exactly, in her quest to not pay attention to her boyfriend's sister and her ex-whatever? Too much for someone that drank maybe half a beer for the two parties she'd been too in her life. Awesome. She swayed a little, into Donnie. He stopped his conversation with his soccer pal to ask his gf if she was alright.] Yeah. I'm fine. I just-- I think I need to go to the bathroom, and... I don't know, splash some water in my face. Nope, you can stay here. I'm a big girl, thanks. [So, on her way she goes. Up the stairs???? Down the hallway????? And oop, there's a door. Oop. This room is occupied by... ohboy. She freezes y'all. But the grimace from earlier is back now. She says nothing because BOY WHY.]*

Boo: [Boo's sitting in an armchair, his head in his hands and the room is spinning for him as well, but he's not drunk. No. Don't ask him because he'd drive himself home right now, just to prove 'em wrong. It was only a couple of beers. A couple of drinking games. Whatever. He just needed time to himself. Which was interrupted. He looked up at the door, and his eyes fell upon a silent Cilla and he could throw himself out the window right now because why?! So he's going to address her with a real condescending tone. ] You lost, Princess?

Cilla: [And yup. Was she an angry drunk? Because, boy, that condescending tone just got her PISSED.] Yeah. You know what? I guess I am. Because I'd rather be anywhere else than standing right here. Believe me. [but is she even making an attempt to move? Probably not. Maybe a sway towards the door.]*

Boo: Good job leaving. Congrats. A+ feet you have there. [He claps.] So while I've got you here, you can't just bring yourself to my soccer games, I told you to not to feel obliged to come. Remember?

Cilla: Fuck off, Boo. [iF SHE COULD LEAVE SHE WOULD BUT HER FEET AREN'T WORKING.] You said don't feel obliged to come /for you/. And I'm not.

Boo: You'RE THE ONE STILL HERE. [ SO HE SHOOTs RIGH T UP bECAUSE LET"S GET ANGREY LETS. walking towards her all angry like] You're the one still fucking here. And Cilla, for the first time in ever, I really don't want you around anymore. So go. Leave. [he points to the door. because gdi go away.]

Cilla: YES, YES, GO AHEAD AND ACT LIKE YOU CAN KICK ME OUT OF A PLACE THAT ISN'T YOURS??? [she roLLS HER EYES.] If you don't want to be around me, which, trust me, I feel the same, you're welcome to walk away. Because, yeah, not everything is on me.

Boo: You're the one who walked away from me, and THEN you walked right back around with that STUPID GUY ON YOUR ARM SO.... [he points back towards the door, agAIN. LIKE FUCK YA I WAS HERE FIRST GET OUT, he sways of course. Alcohol soz.] I don't think I can forgive for this anymore, and I don't want you in my life anymore. Stay away.[his eye twitches tho, lol bcs he doesnt MEAN IT]

Cilla: [NOT EVEN GONNA REPLY TO THAT BS BECAUSE HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN WITH MELISSA ALL NIGHT? AND TO THE REST OF THIS, THE STUBBORN PRINCESS, WHO ALWAYS GETS HER WAY, just plants her drunken feet, crosses her arms, gets this defiant look, and stays silent.]

Boo: [HE IS GONNA PULL ALL OF HIS HAIR OUT BECAUSE GDI GO AWAY. He opens his mouth to sCREAM AT HER. BECAUSE FRUSTRATION. But it takes a step back. He pauses and takes a deep breath. He looks to the floor, and seriously seriously puts on his apology face.] You're breaking my heart all over again, and I understand why. You're mad at me because what I did with Mel, it was unfair. But what you're doing--[ hE FINALLY LOOKS BACK UP AT HER.] Showing up here, and everywhere else--it's not fair to me.

Cilla: [She does nothing but scoff. Really.] Do you think I keep visiting to hurt you? Really? [clo eyebrow raise.]

Boo: Don't you even pretend this isn't about us. [SCOFF RIGHT BACk.]

Cilla: Crazy enough, I come to visit Donnie. You know, that guy. My boyfriend. [she makes a face that says 'duh you idiot'.

Boo: Yeah. He just so happens to play on the same tEAM as me. He JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE MELISSA'S brother. Makes sense, why you'd pick him. [HE GIVES HER A SARCASTIC SHRUG.] Right?! Make REAL sure I know about. See it. [He claps again.] GREAT.

Cilla: I didn't even /know/ he was Melissa brother the first time I met him. It's not all about /you/, Boo. And just... [she shakes her head. She wants to break his hands.] No. You know what? I don't need to explain a n y t h i n g to you.

Boo: Yeah. You were LEAVING anyways. [ eye roll]

Cilla: Nope, that was you. [the face of pure sass.]

Boo: I was here first. [crossing his arms over his chest.]

Cilla: Don't care~. [she does the same.]

Boo: You know what? I can't stand you right now. Really, REALLY hate you right now. [STANDIN THERE ]

Cilla: Now you know how I've felt for months. Congratulations. [SAME.]

Boo: Thanks. REALLY appreCIAte THAT. [YELLIN,]

Cilla: COOL~~~~. YOU'RE WELCOME TO LEAVE NOW. [S C R E A M I N]*

Boo: [He doesn't leave. He doesn't move. He takes one look at her, and the sneer he was sure to have worn softened as he let out a low fit of laughter.] I'm not going anywhere, Cil. I'm still here. And, you know what, when you're done being stubborn, I'm sure I"ll still be mad at you, but I'll be here. [so he walks right up to her, because let's push her buttons, right?] Because, yeah, I hate you so much right now, but you're still the same girl I'm head over heels for. So, you go on. Go on with your life, parade your stupid boyfriend around and you keep telling yourself that it's not about me. Because we both know it is. Otherwise we wouldn't have even had this conversation. Otherwise you still wouldn't be here.

Cilla: [She freezes again, because now he's closer. Much closer, and her alcohol-addled brain is somehow even more jarred by the lack of distance. But, his words still manage to fuel the fire of anger within her, because what right does he have to say all of those things? She managed to pull herself back enough to throw a look of annoyance his way.] Keep telling yourself that it /is/ about you, then, you arrogant asshole. If that's what gets you through, go ahead. But, you know what? It doesn't make you right. Because I feel nothing for you. Not anymore.*

Boo: Nothing? Just like that? Nothing? [So that would have hurt Boo a lot. A whole lot, a couple of months ago, and maybe without the alcohol it would have reverberated within him, but he knew that girl was lying. So he looked at her, and understood her words as a challemge. He let out an irratated sigh, before taking one step closer to her, and without any permission he tested her words. A hand on her waist, he kissed her, just as he had wanted to for the past couple of months--just like he did those months ago in his car-- just as he did under that mistletoe. He kissed her, like it would have been his last kiss on earth, K. Because well, it might as well have been, right?]

Cilla: [She was poised to answer-- ready to tell him, yes, without a doubt, I feel nothing but absolute hatred for you now. You're nothing but a piece of shit, and I didn't deserve what you did. But there was no opportunity for the words to leave her mouth. Because, as soon as she began, his lips were on hers, and her ~inebriated~ legs practically buckled underneath her. And no, she didn't try in any way to push the boy off of her. Nope. She kissed him like she hadn't kissed anybody since... well, the last time she kissed Boo. One might say she's kind of all over him right now.]

Boo: [A fist in the air in his mind, just like the breakfast club, yep, everything she had said, well this proved it completely wrong. So he pulled her closer because why stop? After all this time, after everything, he could still lose himself in that stubborn girl. So arms wrapped tightly around her holding her in place and lips pressed all too close. it happened. Even, with what he had just said to her. Even after all the hurt they had caused each other. It fell all on this really real moment. No matter how drunk she tasted-- it was real. So no, he didn't mind how all over she was on him. Nope, he invited it.]

Cilla: [In the back of her mind, someplace where her logic was still slightly working, something was telling her that her boyfriend was downstairs, and she should stop now, while she was ahead, and she could pass this... lapse of judgement on alcohol and Boo starting it, but... no, that voice was too far away. Why listen to that voice when there was a louder voice telling her to continue. So, what does she do? She listens to the loud voice, and she's got him by the collar, and she's pushing him towards the chair he was sitting in when she came in. Oop, they're down. Oop, she's on top of him. Yikes.]*

Boo: [ So lips on lips, he fell towards the chair, with his hands surely crawling up places they weren't supposed to like, for instance probably under hER SKIRT, he pulled Cilla with him. There was no breaking his hold on her now. There was no stopping him. There was no stopping her, he was sure. And screw the party, screw her boyfriend. screw Melissa. It was just him and Cilla now. And if he had it his way, it would be that way forever. But all things would come to an end he was sure. For the time being however, he would continue to kiss her, even after the door was opened and someone eNTERED THE ROOM.]

Cilla: [For the better part of being in this chair, Cilla's brain actually ceased to function. Like, she was certain there was no activity happening up there, because she literally couldn't think. The only things occupying that space were lips and, whoa HANDS. And, boy did she not mind it at aLL. But then, the sound of a door opening behind her kicked that silent part of her brain into gear, and she realized OH BOY, and she was practically army rolling off of Boo, her face towards the wall so the interruption didn't see her, stayin quiet bc oh geez.]*

Boo: [Before he even had a chance to react to the absence of Cilla, he opened his eyes, and Melissa Thornberry Rocket stared at him from the doorway. He had to catch his breath from, well, Cilla literally taking his breath away and before he was able to take calming inhale, the other girl had her hands across her chest. That look in her face-- that anger shook Boo a little too sober, and he didn't know whether to explain himself, or accept the fact that, yeah, he was walking home that night. So he ran his hands through the hair on his head, because gFDi why didn't he lock the door. He looked up at Cilla, her back facing him, and he had no words.]

Cilla: [Cilla still has no idea of what fate could besET HER SHOULD SHE TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW. SHE IS UNAWARE OF THE DANGER THAT SURROUNDS HER. So, she just keeps herself pointed towards the wall. Practically everyone in this house knew her boyfriend, and therefore, they knew she was DATING him. No matter who it was, if they saw it was her she was s c r e w e d. So, she stayed silent in her little corner, probably burying her face in her knees. Like, nope, you won't see me today sis.]*

Boo: [Before he could even explain what was happening, Miss Rocket had literally stomped out of the room. And what had recently transpired as the most awkward silence in his whole life, the door slammed behind her. He looked up to the ceiling and closed his eyes, got up from his spot, and before taking his leave, he placed a hand on Cilla's shoulder, just lightly as if to ask if she was okay.]*

Cilla: [When she heard the door shut, she didn't get up immediately. But then she felt a hand on her shoulder, and that sprung her to action. Without another word, literally, she was up and out the door (the opposite direction that Melly went in). Because. Nope. Not facing this. Not in this drunken state. Not today. Bye Boo. She's probably ACTUALLY going to the bathroom now.]*

Boo: [So that's when Boo walked out too. Yep, out to find Melissa, because low and behold she was his ride home, and without her, he was going to walk his ass home lol. And avoiding everyone else, he probably never found her so he did.]