#(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

[ruffboijuliaburnsides]

im gonna ask you a question. so, right now i identify as female (cis). and i'm not sure about it. how did you realize you were nonbinary? i tried out they/them pronouns once and i didn't like it. but like. sometimes i don't feel right with my name and my pronouns and my body. but that just might be depression or me zoning the heck out haha. i'm young, i have time. but i just want help? ? ? haha thank you and i really love your blog

Aw, no worries, nonny.  

So I’m going to preface this by saying that everyone’s experience is unique, I’m not a professional anything, take anything I say with a grain of salt and do your own research and come to your own decisions.  I will also mention that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the major symptoms of BPD is a lack of identity, sort of the… throwing yourself into things and other people and other people’s styles and making that who you are over and over and never quite feeling like you have an identity that means “you”.  I mention this because that’s one of the things that currently has the biggest impact on me of all my BPD issues, and that has colored my entire gender journey, which in turn colors my advice and thoughts about it.

So as far as me realizing I was NB, it was a looooong process.  I felt kind of dysphoric and maybe not-female for literal years, then I came out as trans because I figured “this probably means I’m a trans guy” and it felt MUCH better but still not quite right.  After a couple years I went “yeah, not quite a guy either. …I guess that means I’m neither?” and that’s pretty much how that happened.

All that said, I’ll mention the following things: 

1) the more I recognized and processed the internalized misogyny I have, the less dysphoric being read as female has become.  It’s kind of plateaued and I think I’ve mostly just hit “i’m nb but more comfortable on the feminine side of things than I used to be” but hey, who knows, right?  I mention this one first both to get it out of the way and because of stuff you mentioned in your ask.  It’s not unheard of at ALL for cis women to feel very dysphoric about their bodies and uncomfortable with their womanhood.  It’s not universal, though, it’s just a possible option.  Our society hates women and teaches women to hate themselves, but whether you’re just a woman dealing with the fallout of living in a deeply misogynistic society or a trans person is something only you can decide.

2) I have known more than one cis female lesbians who identified as nb and don’t anymore, or identified as a trans guy and now identify as nb or cis.  There is a lot of bullshit that most of us are trained into unknowingly about hating women and hating ourselves, and when we find ourselves loving women, it just compounds like… EVERYTHING.  So if you’re a lesbian or bi, this could be something to keep in mind.

3) my most dysphoric moments were also tied to what I would consider my most disassociated moments.  When i’m struggling so hard to even feel a connection to my body, things that make me actively NOT identify with my own body are like that much worse.  It could also be the other way around, but either way, they can feed into each other.  Mental illness can be a huge influence on your identity.  That doesn’t mean your identity is wrong just because you’re mentally ill - i firmly believe that part of the reason I identify with nonbinary so hard is because it’s sort of an “in-between, unspecific, not really anything” sort of identity to me, and that’s how I feel about my identity at large most of the time.  That said, identifying as NB has been a source of relief and joy, so even if it IS stemming from my BPD I don’t give a shit because it makes my life better.

4) It’s okay to change.  If you’re cis now, and you identify as NB or a trans guy later, that’s okay.  If even later, your identity shifts again, that’s ok too.  Some people find who they are young and never really stop feeling that.  Some people are really fluid and have a complex and ever-evolving relationship with their identity.  Neither one is wrong. Your labels are for YOU.  To make YOU feel like you have a handle on yourself.  As your understanding of yourself changes, your labels might change too.  That’s ok.  Anyone who tells you it’s not is not worth your time.

5) You are valid.  I know that’s basically a meme at this point and it’s a funny one, but the thing is that you are.  You are you.  You’re allowed to be you, and feel your feelings.  The important part of any of that is how you REACT and ACT ON those things. 

6) You’re allowed to tell people no when they ask questions.  You’re allowed to say “that’s personal” or “I don’t feel comfortable answering that” or “sorry, you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock that part of my backstory” or whatever.  You do not have to feel obligated to explain yourself and your identity and how you came to that identity and how it affects your sexuality etc etc ad nauseum to everyone who asks. It’s okay not to answer questions about things that people technically have no right to.  It’s also ok to answer them if you’re down for it, but you’re not being rude by saying “no, that’s too personal, I’m not comfortable with that”.  If they push it, THEY’RE the ones being rude.

7) The last and possibly most divergent from the original topic thing I’m going to say is possibly the most controversial?  And it’s more about attraction than gender, but in my experience, dealing with one inevitibly means dealing with the other at the very least inasmuch as where they intersect, but that experience is why I’m including this. Unless nothing else has worked for you, I would stay away, at least initially, from the split attraction model.  That’s the x-sexual/x-romantic split, and identifying them separately.  I am not saying they’re bad or that they can’t be useful or helpful, but the thing is that they are mostly of use to the ace community, and only to a limited extent.  Diving into them when you don’t need to can just over-complicate things; as much as labels are for YOU, it also doesn’t help to be overly specific.  If you can be sexually attracted to both guys and girls but you’re only interested in being in relationships with girls?  Sure, you could say you’re bisexual homoromantic (as a girl that is) but unless that is something that is NECESSARY FOR YOU, you could also just say you’re bi with a preference, or say you’re a lesbian because yes i think bi women who are still attracted to guys physically but have no intention of or desire to be with men can call themselves lesbians if that’s more comfortable for them.  I say this mostly because I and more than a few people I know have done the split attraction model because it’s what is being done or w/e and it messed with them being able to actually deal with issues they were having and correctly identifying their sexualities and etc etc etc.  It’s not intrinsically bad or harmful or wrong, but it’s also not intrinsically good, and it’s not useful for anyone.  Unless you think it’s absolutely the only way to find your identity, I would largely steer clear of it for yourself.  I put this last because it’s the least related to your actual question.

…I can’t think of anything else rn.  Use the identifiers and terms that you’re comfortable with but don’t feel bad or ashamed of changing them if you realize they don’t apply anymore.  Don’t feel like you have to identify things super-specifically just because it’s common practice.  Uh…. idk, i’m a wee bit tipsy but hopefully some of this was even a little bit helpful?  GOOD LUCK MY SMOL ONE, EVEN IF I CAN’T HELP I’M HERE TO LISTEN IF YOU NEED AN EAR OR A SHOULDER!

[genericrevenge]

(for the transmed ask thing) 4 5 7 8 11 13 17 18 22 23 26 27 34 37-40

FUCK IM SORRY I FORGOT ANON4.) ARE YOU ON HRT?nope. sadly. i only recently got diagnosed with gender dysphoria, but i hope that's still a step in the right direction.5.) ANOTHER HRT QUESTION IM NOT QUALIFIED TO ANSWERsorry7.) BEST/WORST REACTIONS COMING OUT IRL/ONLINE:worst reaction so far was my mom. ended up in a lot of tears and frustration. best irl and online would be my friends. i fucking adore my friends and im so fucking grateful they support me.8.) ANY DATING TIPS/EXPERIENCES AS TRANS?nope. i am very much single, lol.11.) ARE YOU ABLE TO PASS?sometimes! my hair is shoulder length right now, but i got gendered correctly most often with my hair about chin length. sometimes if i wear a hat or don't open my mouth to talk, people will automatically call me a guy. but mostly i have trouble. 13.) HOW OLD ARE YOU?i'm 17.17.) DID YOU EVER HAVE A MOGAI PHASE?ugh, unfortunately, i did. i first thought i was a lesbian (didnt last long because i couldn't force myself to like girls), then adopted the label "genderfluid asexual panromantic." it was bad. thankfully now i'm just a normal trans dude.18.) HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A TRANSMED?since...10th grade. that was when i went from a liberal mogai feminist to a way more conservative transmed. i currently dont align myself with any party, but i'm definitely more centrist than before. my only problem now is that the transmed label has been corrupted by enbies (like everything else) and now i'm reconsidering my label.22.) HAVE YOU TRIED TO EXPLAIN YOUR IDEOLOGY IRL?yeah, lmao. there are some horrible enbies at my school, and i got reported for wearing a hat that said "nonbinary = non valid" and the school made me not wear it anymore. i live in a fairly liberal area, so often people disagree with me (like in my sociology class. someone said gender was a spectrum and i was not happy). that being said, my dad understands truscum ideology and supports it.23.) WOULD YOU DATE A TRANS PERSON?sure! i don't see why not, tbh.26.) WHAT TRANSMED ACCOUNTS ARE YOUR FAVORITE?off the top of my head: @snugbat @milloboi @chimera-bones @antinb and @yellcourse (y'all have great blogs, thank you) 27.) UNPOPULAR TRANSMED OPINION:i am strongly anti-nb. it's kinda sad that that has become such a contested opinion in the transmed community.34.) ARE YOU AN ARTIST OF ANY SORT?yeah!!! i play guitar and i absolutely love it. holy shit i fucking love playing guitar. i only recently started (last september) but it's one of my favorite things to do. i can play two fall out boy songs from beginning to end :^)37.) MALE AND FEMALE SOCIALIZATION VS. BIOLOGICAL DIFFERENCES:ah, nature vs. nurture. both definitely play a role in how one views themselves. i think there are clear biological differences between men and women, but no one should be treated unfairly because of that. not acknowledging the differences is unscientific and illogical. male and female socialization is tougher because it changes constantly. i think if enbies stopped internalizing gender roles, then some would accept their gender-non-conformity and not need to use the nonbinary label (since that's the problem with a lot of them). 38.) IF YOU COULD BE GIVEN ONE THING FOR FREE RIGHT NOW WHAT WOULD IT BE?a new shirt. my favorite one has some holes in it and my other ones are pretty old :^(39.) IF YOU WERE ABLE TO, HOW WOULD YOU INFLUENCE THE PUBLIC'S VIEW ON TRANSMEDICALISM?definitely let people know that this is the logical, evidence-based, scientific route, and also let people know that we don't hate trans people. we really just want better things for trans people.40.) ANY TRANS LITERATURE YOU'D RECOMMEND?not currently, unfortunately. most of the books i've seen irl aren't interesting/are cliche/are about enbies. i have to still read Some Assembly Required by Arin Andrews, though.thank you so much, this was really fun! i'm sorry again for not responding sooner 🤡