#(i think a lot of our socialization is very goal-oriented tbh)

[mooglesorts]

went out for a long walk earlier, had a lot of Snake Secondary Thoughts i was excited to post/reply when i got home. accidentally took a wrong turn on the way back and ended up taking a VERY LONG walk, ran out of energy to actually write down the things for the moment fshdfklhsdfsdf

[ermbabyel]

hi hi hi !! may i please request a personality ship with bts and ateez !! i apologize in advance bc it's super long </3

I’m a 5’9.5 (basically 5’10) girl with dark skin, jet black hair (currently in long twists rn!!), and i’m on the curvier side (esp hips and my thighs) !! some of my favorite features are my plump lips (and i have a beauty mark on my bottom lip!), my long legs (that look so so so so good in skirts and dresses), my kempt and pretty fingernails, and my eyelashes !!! i’m a virgo (and surprisingly i get along with all the signs, i cant think of a sole zodiac sign i DONT mix well with), and i am an i/enfj (i got 51% extravert 49% intra the first time, then 50% for both the second time!! ) and i honestly agree—i’m an ambivert all the way! i often come off as cold/shy when meeting new people (one of my closest friends avoided me for a month before meeting me because i looked so intimidating LMAO), but once you get close to me i turn into a bundle of warmth and love: i will never stop texting them the <3 emoji every morning or buying my friends/s/o their favorite starbucks order when they need a little cheer-me-up.

  i’m extremely passionate about the issues and people i care about and the goals and dreams i have. I’m creative, patient, an extremely good listener, caring, a social butterfly, and extremely hardworking. my friends always told me of my heart of gold and how perceptive i am of the people around me—noticing immediately when something is wrong and trying to make them feel better. I’m also very headstrong, detailed, and determined!! my friends also call me a nerd since i’ve had all a’s since kindergarten—i LOVE school and would describe myself as intelligent. i really like that i’m empathetic and motivational to those around me. it’s really easy for me to show my affection, adoration, and support for someone because i just want everyone to feel loved and safe :( i HATE seeing my loved ones sad, and when people usually have problems about anything (from family to just school), i’m the one they come to talk to because of my warm and openminded heart. I love sharing happiness with my friends in their goals and always hype them up no matter what, and it makes me so so so so happy seeing my loved ones content. im also really, really funny (my fave personality trait of mine tbh)!! I’m always cracking jokes and laughing (sometimes for no reason LMAOO). i would be in the library at like 7 am with my friends and struggle with stifling my laugh from jokes i told </3

  I also love to go out and explore—whether trying out a new restaurant in the city or a newly opened amusement park or trying something new, like skydiving (or some other crazy but fun idea), trying recipes from around the world, or trying sledding for the first time! at the same time, i like really chill, mellow spending-time-alone-or-with-one-other-person activities like baking (my favorite treat to bake is red velvet cupcakes and cheddar bay biscuits) and dancing !! (i’ve been a dancer for more than 12 years!!). i can also speak more than 5 languages (including korean!) and i’m always saying random phrases (like thank you, i love u so much!, gtfo my face, that sucks ass) in a random language too LMFAOOO. i often think being a coffee/cafe lover is a personality trait (i love love love love love coffee) i also love accessories (earrings, necklaces, bracelets, anklets, rings, etc) and would die of happiness when the day i can wear matching accessories with my s/o comes.

besides being my bestfriend who i can kiss and whatnot (hehe), my ideal type is a TALL (THEY DONT HAVE TO BE but 5’9+...i’m already tall but pls .5 of an inch taller would be enough) man who has eyes for me and only me !!! they may look cold/cool/mysterious/laid back at first glance (like “i dont like u lol” or “yeah haha 🙂" to any other girls but “hi baby what can i do for u today to please the loml” with me <3)  but turn into the sweetest, warmest, cutest honey bun once i get to know them! (kinda like me)!! ALSO a man who can pull off all black outfits like those are my FAVORITE omg. he needs to have a BIG sense of humor (like i want to laugh every second i’m with him and laugh so hard that our stomachs start hurting and we beg each other to stop making jokes type of humor), fashionable (so i can learn fashion pls and wear coordinated outfits with him). i just want a boy who i could talk to and listen to for HOURS. like i would follow him into the bathroom as he showers and sit on the toilet and just listen to him talk about his day or vent to him, but also a boy that loves comfortable silence!! like just cuddling with each other or im studying, and hes working on a personal project so that just being with him makes me feel warm <3 i want a s/o who’s willing to go out and travel with me so i could take off guard pics of him and make him my wallpaper until he begs me to change it. im also not good at conflict so if conflict arises, id love a boy who knows how to talk me down and open up the room for conversation and make me feel safe and not as if im confronted or wrong, someone where we can just talk, resolve our problem, and make it up with a hug or night out!! this kinda leads to me wanting a relationship where we both help improve each other and our flaws (for example some of my flaws are callousness, taking things to heart sometimes, and not opening up easily, etc), so i’d really appreciate a relationship where my partner and i can help each other grow as people. i also love love love to cook, so i’d love an s/o that loves cooking with me and teaching each other how to cook each other’s cultural foods (i would love to teach my bf how to cook jollof rice and have a cookoff one day). I like ALL 5 of the love languages but my top 3 tied for 1st are quality time (THIS i want to spend everyday with my bf at chinatown or a new city exploring), words of affirmation (someone who reaffirms me of their love continuously, supportively, and in sweet ways), and acts of service (cooking my favorite food when i’m down, doing chores that i cant do when tired). men who are really expressive through touch are also ideal <3 i'd shy away from pda, but inside the house i’d be so happy yet so shy and flustered when they express their love through touch (like laying in my lap so i can play with their hair, holding my hand while watching tv, cuddling while talking about whatever). OR like the SLIGHTEST compliment or act of love (LIKE BACKHUGS OR HOLDING HANDS OR KISSING MY BEAUTY MARKS OR FOREHEAD KISSESJSJSJSJ). i love a man who's goal oriented, know what he wants, and makes the move first (kinda like taking control of the relationship!!) in all, i’d just love to be really appreciated and loved and also show the same love, support, warmth, closeness, and happiness to my bf <3 tysm <333

Hi hi~! You sound like such a sweetheart and so cute 😍💕 I’ll be super happy to ship you~!

Bts

Yoongi 🥳

I thought of Yoongi right away while reading your submission. You sound like such a sweet and supportive person that I think Yoongi would benefit from being in a relationship with you. You also remind me a lot of hobi when I was reading your description so I think you two would be best friends too~! Yoongi would be intrigued by your appearance, your intimidating aura around you would make him want to know you more. Surely there’s more than meets the eye...and Yoongi was correct. After getting to know you more. He soon learned how such a happy and sweet person you are. He would love the duality of you. It’s keeps him on his toes and yearns to learn more o about you~! Yoongi is a very passionate person as well, especially with his career and his members. And I’m sure he’d be passionate with you too, but he’ll show you in his own little ways. For example, writing songs about you for bts’ new comeback, getting you your favorite foods and drinks when you both have had a long day...he just loves you so much. I can see you, and sope being the three musketeers of bts, you three would do SO much together. Yoongi can be a silly and goofy person as we’ve seen, but only certain people can drawl that aspect out of him, so you and hobi would do SOO well at making him feel comfortable to let loose and have fun~! I can see you and hobi goofing around at the studio with each other and Yoongi would shake his head and act unimpressed, but we all see right through him and he truly adores you in that state~! Yoongi would also think it’s super adorable how flustered and shy you get when he gets touchy with you 👀💜. Just a very cute and wholesome relationship~! 🥰

Ateez

Seonghwa 🥳

You love when your partner takes control? You don’t need to tell Seonghwa twice! The boy would LOVE to take care of you and take the lead in the relationship. I think he’s also naturally dominate, so it would be no problem for him~! I can see you two going on cute coffee dates to local cafè shops close by. Seonghwa would absolutely adore how excited you are about coffee~! He would also think it’s hella attractive that you’re a dancer 👀. He LOOOOVES to watch you dance for himself maybe he would create a dance for only you two to perform. Your legs and lips are how absolute favorite physical traits of yours. Seonghwa would always have a hand on your leg or knee whenever you guys are sitting down. And if you’d let him, Seonghwa would kiss you all day long~! He just loves the feeling of your soft lips against his 💜. Seonghwa also adores how happy and cheerful you are. Especially on hard long days full of practices and performances, your cheerful and loving nature always makes him feel better and soooo much more relaxed. I can see both of you mothering the other members too~! He appreciates you taking care of him at times, but he’s also take opportunities to take care of you too~! Overall a very sweet and loving relationship~! ❤️‍🔥

Again, I am very sorry for the long ass wait 🥺. I hope you enjoy your ships love~! Stay happy and healthy~! 🤗💜

[thecoleopterawithana]

Hello, I'm the last anon you answered to. I'm sorry if I came out as defensive because it wasn't my intention. In fact I've always thought that John was bisexual until I started questioning everything. ( I'm a bisexual guy myself and I'm perfectly happy with the way I am ! ) It's just that I feel like Yoko would just say whatever she wants on John to suit her agenda. John's sexuality had always been an interesting topic and dropping something like that would gaib her publicity this is why I --

I question the authenticity of her claims. She could have lied about it just to attract attention… And I’d be disappointed because John was in fact my idol and he gave me the strength to come out as bi to my family. But there’s so many anecdotes about him being homophobic that it just makes me sad and this is why I hardly doubt that he was a bisexual man…As for the Cynthia quote I heard her say something like “ John was afraid of homosexuality just like everyone ) in a video on Youtube –

I am very conflicted because I’ve watched videos of John ( interviews etc ) and many comments said that he was very skilled at manipulating people and wasn’t as honest as he appeared to be, which is why I doubt. John had always been the rebellious type and I started thinking that he was using the bisexuality topic to shock and make people talk about it which is disappointing. Was he dropping hints that he was bi to piss off people and make publicity ? This is what I believe : (There is also -

Something he said to Alaister Taylor where he said that he was trying to spread the rumor that he was gay or bi just for fun and he told him that he would never shag a man because just the thought of it turned him off… Yet he also told him that he adored Brian so much that he would have done anything with him ( he contradict himself here. ) So yeah I didn’t want to be rude. I apologize. I think I need reassurance. Could you please analyse everything I said if u don’t mind please ? : (

-

Anon 2

At the very least all these years later isn’t it circumstantially suggested that John had very private gay encounters, and was uncomfortable making them public, yet wanted to hint at them so he could deal with this matter int he future? He was protecting his privacy and his ego, and perhaps wasn’t yet ready to reveal either his encounters or mixed feelings of bisexuality. His encounters have been protected by those with whom he was involved, people thameant a lot to him, no?

-

Anon 3

hey! by any chance, do you have knowledge of the quotes where john said “sex with girls felt like a performance after the first time” and “i was never sexually attracted to women before yoko”? i am SURE i’ve seen the first one somewhere on tumblr, though the second one is more of a quote of a quote so i’m not sure if it’s real or not dfkdjk thanks, anyway!

-

Anon 4

Hello! Is it true that John used to be very attracted to the drag scene in St Pauli ( I guess that was the town I read about ) and that basically the drag / gay scene made him feel comfortable and at home? Says a lot about him!

-

@tbhmarjj

I adore you, thank u for this blog and ur beautiful mind. i doubt johns bisexuality at times tbh considering he went to great lengths for publicity and he wanted to be an LGBT ally, be cool and outspoken and as he himself said it was trendy to be bi. but then again he was obsessed with Paul in so many ways and he was the embodiment of John’s ideal man. beautiful, talented, intellectual. I’ll be patiently awaiting ur posts exploring Paul’s views on johns sexuality.Thank u

-

Hello again, anon! 

I want to begin by thanking you for getting back to me after I answered your ask and for clarifying where you were coming from when you wrote it. It really is quite hard to fully get the tone of a written message, especially one that is so short that you have no context to draw from to get the emotional meaning behind it. It really appeared to me when I read it that the concern was not who was saying it (Yoko) but about what was being said (John was bisexual). I can now see that was not the case and I appreciate that you’ve made that clear. 

I also hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken the opportunity to include in this answer all of the other asks I’ve been receiving regarding John’s sexuality. It’s clearly a topic of great interest in this community. So I’ll be attempting to address all the points raised here. Again, this is nothing definitive; only my personal readings of the situation as I find it at the moment.

Before I do answer, though, I’d just like everyone to take a deep breath and a step back. Let’s try to examine this topic a bit more objectively. 

I understand that sex is kind of major in our society. Our notion of identity is tightly bound to our classified sexuality and gender. Sexual relationships (or amorous relationships) are seen as the epitome of human connection and the ideal everyone should be striving for. And people fundamentally want to be loved and not alone, so it makes sense that figuring out who is a potential companion (and if that companion is interested back) is such a big deal.

But despite these layers of meaning and societal pressures, we should keep in mind what sex represents, essentially, from an evolutionary point of view. 

For social animals who derive pleasure from sexual stimulation, sexual intercourse is – like all the other kinds of affection – a way to build connections. 

If you want to find examples in nature, just look at our ape cousins, the bonobos. The also called pygmy chimpanzee lives in a matriarchal society where sexual behaviour plays an essential role in strengthening social bonds, lowering tension and keeping the peace. Bonobos don’t discriminate between gender or age (except between mothers copulating with their own adult sons, so as to prevent cross-breeding). It’s the true “free love” society; evolution took “make love, not war” and ran with it. 

Our own culture seems more similar to that of bonobos’ northern neighbours, the common chimp. Their patriarchy is more conservative regarding sexual intercourse, which is mainly used for reproduction purposes, and their power structure is based around intricate political games, where males form alliances and try to get public support in order to overthrow the ruling party.

I find it endlessly curious to look at these two species, whose physical separation by the Congo river made them diverge so starkly in their social organization, and compare them to the struggle between these same two natures that we find in our own society. 

All this to say that, from a simply biological point of view, I have to agree with John and Yoko when they say that everyone must be bisexual. If sexual intercourse as a social behaviour is, inherently, all about establishing bonds and connections, the extent to which those connections are “allowed” to be built depends entirely on the hierarchal structure that same society is trying to preserve. In other words, what is classified as morally right or wrong is more reflective of the rules in place to keep that society working as it is, than it is of what is naturally present as a drive. 

If your brain is primed to seek pleasure and sexual intercourse brings you pleasure independently of the partner’s gender, then the partner’s gender should be inconsequential.

But unlike bonobos, humans are kind of touchy about touching. So there are other levels of information influencing behaviour. The processes of socialization – of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society – and enculturation – by which people learn the dynamics of their surrounding culture and acquire values and norms appropriate or necessary in that culture and worldviews – are as determinant as the genetic factors influencing behaviour. In fact, this added education can be so effective in curbing your “primal instincts”, that one might forget they have them in the first place. 

Thus, the concepts of gender identity and sexual orientation are a constantly shifting construct based on the various interactions between your genetic makeup and social influences. 

I just think that, in order to have this discussion, it’s important to separate the various levels of it and be clear about which we are referring to.

There is the basic evolutionary drive to seek pleasure and form connections.

There is the social education about that same drive and how it is allowed to manifest itself.

And integrating all these different signals and information – various potentials which manifested as attraction – there finally is a behaviour, a choice.

And finally, there’s the external point of view of other members of society looking in and trying to discern other people’s drives and how they relate to their choices (that’s us now). The problem is, we often throw our own drives and choices into the mix, especially with regards to something as personally defining as sexual orientation. 

So we have to make very clear in our minds what is the end goal here. Why are we interested in discussing this topic? Are we looking to discern as much of the truth as we can get it, objectively trying to understand these human beings? Or are we trying to confirm our own projections on them? And please, don’t take me wrong. All these are valid reasons to be interested in a subject. Often how it resonates with us, so personally, is vitally important to reaching a greater understanding about ourselves and learning how to communicate that to others. 

But in the same way a piece of music can make you have a transformative emotional experience that the artist didn’t necessarily go through, it’s important to remember that our own inner-life might be affecting how we examine others. Better be mindful of what we project, lest we think are finally seeing inside another person when in fact we are only looking at our own reflection. (And honestly, I believe getting to truly know ourselves in this processes can be a hundred times more valuable than knowing the other. By learning to recognize ourselves we can better understand other people and vice-versa.) 

So if it is important to you that John is bisexual, my honest opinion is that all the information can be read in a way that confirms it. We’ll hardly ever know for sure, and based on what we do know, that can certainly be the takeaway. 

But if we want to objectively examine John’s sexuality, we shouldn’t bring in a confirmation bias. Meaning that we should be emotionally detached from the outcome, as long as it is as close to the truth as we can get. But this is only where I’m coming from, and I’m a bit of a scientist. It’s totally fair if you’re not in it for the same reasons. Though again, working under the assumption that you want to know my stance on it, let’s proceed.

I understand your reservations regarding Yoko as an unreliable narrator. To analyse Yoko’s motivations would be an interesting topic, but one which I will not go in at the moment as I don’t feel sufficiently informed about Yoko as a person to give an extensive examination.  

But in my opinion, there is a whole lot of other information available from which to draw from other than Yoko’s statements. 

I also get your and @tbhmarjj‘s concerns about John’s declarations during the 70s. But it’s the same question I posed in the previous post: Was the “bisexual chic” fad of the 1970s merely a publicity stunt for those involved? Even if it was, did it make the experimentations undertaken any less true? Were they just faking it for the press or were they finally allowed to try and be open about it? 

Because I come from the biological background that places sex as a positive social interaction like any other, meaning that its purpose is to create bonds and the pleasure is our “reward” for doing it, I tend to believe that the behaviours were genuine. The drive there is real. As real as the internal constraints that would act on them as a result of societies shifting expectations and permissions. And this socialization is as determinant in the creation of sexual attraction as anything. So based on our definition of sexual orientation, all those bi rockstars of the 70s could have effectively stopped identifying as bi once the new social norm overrun their own internal drives and the previous less conservative status quo. That didn’t make them less bi when they were. 

It’s funny, but in terms of gender and sexuality, nothing is real so everything is. 

So yeah, I think that John could have been bisexual the second he felt he was. But because the social tide was likely to shift, it was better to also maintain a measure of deniability: it was just for show, it’s not serious, I was just taking the mickey out of you and you fell for it! Of course John was smart enough to leave space there to retract. He and Paul had mastered the art as communicators through song. They could claim them to mean everything and nothing as it suited them. As Anon 2 says, it’s a protective measure. 

So I think that at some point in time, John genuinely identified as bisexual. Now whether he acted on it or not is another questioned entirely. As Anon 2 points out, there are various circumstantial accounts, but these are always tougher to verify. 

I tend to believe Yoko when she says:

So did Lennon ever have sex with men?

“No, I don’t think so,” says Ono. “The beginning of the year he was killed, he said to me, ‘I could have done it, but I can’t because I just never found somebody that was that attractive.’ Both John and I were into attractiveness—you know—beauty.”

I ask what she makes of the people outside the building, the crowds still at Strawberry Fields.

Ono misunderstands, or mishears (or is simply focused on the last strand of our conversation), and continues to talk about sex.

“I don’t make anything out of it. When you’re not really interested in that sort of sex, you don’t think about it. Both John and I surprisingly were very passive people. Unless somebody made a thing out of it, if they made a move, I wouldn’t even think about it.”

— in Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

At least I believe he at least never “fully” did it, in the sense of full-blown anal sex. I think there might have been “milder” homosexual interactions, such as handjobs, that could be rationalized as not entirely gay (the thing with Brian in Spain being one of them.)

Regarding the drag scene in Hamburg Anon 4 was asking about, I agree that it also provides information about John. Though I think it’s mainly about his gender identity rather than his sexual orientation (though the two are invariably linked in the construct as well).

Here are some quotes about it:

With his four months’ greater experience, Sheridan was an ideal guide to the Reeperbahn’s more exotic diversions, like the Schwülen laden. Stu Sutcliffe later wrote home in amazement that the transvestites were ‘all harmless and very young’ and it was actually possible to speak to one ‘without shuddering’. Though raised amid the same homophobia as his companions, John seemed totally unshocked by St Pauli’s abundant drag scene; indeed, he often seemed actively to seek it out. ‘There was one particular club he used to like,’ Tony Sheridan remembers, ‘full of these big guys with hairy hands, deep voices—and breasts. But they used to make an effort to talk English. There was something about the place that seemed to make John feel at home.’

— In John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman (2008).

And according to Horst Fascher (bouncer at the Indra Club and the Kaiserkeller):

It wasn’t just girls that were on offer to young english rockers. Monica’s Bar was Hamburg’s notorious transvestite club. For one or two English musicians, Monica’s was just another part of the Hamburg experience.

HORST FASCHER: One night Monica said, “Come, come and look. One of your boys is in the séparé.” “And who is it?” And she said, “One of the Beatles.” “Let me look”. She said, “Be careful. Look only sneaky-like.” But I did. I grabbed the curtain, pulled it aside and there was sitting John in… in a position with that girl, and you know. He felt really ashamed and I said, “John, don’t worry man. I did that all before.”

— In The Beatles Biggest Secrets. [Transcription is my own and I’m not too certain of it.]

Though there certainly might have been an aspect of sexual interest to it, I think John’s fascination with the drag scene was also the kinship with the queerness he felt inside himself; mainly in regards to him wanting to express his more sensitive side, which is coded as feminine in our society. So I think seeing men indulging in femininity and nonnormative behaviour resonated with him.

Also, I think it’s even more important to understand John’s relationship with sex in general, regardless of the partner. 

To that end, the quote mentioned by Anon 3 is of special relevance:

When I was a kid, I wanted to shag every attractive woman I saw. I used to dream that it would be great if you could just click your fingers and they would strip off and be ready for me. I would spend most of my teenager years fantasising about having this kind of power over women. The weird thing is, when the fantasies came true they were not nearly so much fun. One of my most frequent dreams was seducing two girls together, or even a mother and a daughter. That happened in Hamburg a couple of times and the first time it was sensational. The second time it got to feel like I was giving a performance. You know how when you make love to a woman that the moment you come, you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything. The more women I had, the more the buzz would turn into a horrible feeling of rejection and revulsion at what I’d been doing. As soon as I’d been with a woman, I wanted to get the hell out.

— John Lennon to Alistair Taylor (Brian Epstein’s assistant), 1965. In his autobiography With the Beatles: A Stunning Insight by The Man who was with the Band Every Step of the Way (2003).

And another important passage is in reference to Janov’s Primal Scream Therapy:

Well, his thing is to feel the pain that’s accumulated inside you ever since your childhood. […] The worst pain is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way you need them. When I was a child I experienced moments of not wanting to see the ugliness, not wanting to see not being wanted. This lack of love went into my eyes and into my mind. […] Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it. […] But for me at any rate it was all part of dissolving the Godtrip or father-figure trip. Facing up to reality instead of always looking for some kind of heaven.

— John Lennon, interviewed by Robin Blackburn and Tariq Ali for Red Mole (8-22 March 1971). [I really can’t stop pointing to this quote as one of the most important in order to understand John Lennon.]

As he reiterates in ‘I Found Out’ (1970): Some of you sitting there with yer cock in yer hand / Don’t get you nowhere don’t make you a man

To me, John’s pursuit of sex is, like most things in his life, essentially about filling this black-hole of emotional pain. He internalized the lack of love from his parents, which went into his eyes and mind, until he himself believed he was unlovable. This lack of self-esteem translates into a lot of pain and the need for an external solution for that pain. 

The external solution is not wanting to feel so vulnerable any more. This can be achieved either by trying to seize control, by exerting it over others or having them look up to you (e.g. “fantasising about having this kind of power over women”; “some dream of making it”). Or it can be achieved by handing control over and being taken care of (e.g. “people channel their pain into God”, “I’ve seen religion from Jesus to Paul”.)

Sex as an activity can play into these various dynamics: it can be used to feel power over others, as John started out; it can be used as an escapist distraction, like a drug (e.g. “you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything”); and it can be used as giving yourself over and being loved, looking to receive that which you can’t get from yourself. 

As time passed and the first two solutions stopped working, I think John focused on the third: sex in the context of an emotionally close relationship as the ultimate intimacy and proof that he was loved. And because he wanted to absolve himself of responsibility, to be taken care of, his partner needed to be someone on the other end, someone who had control. In our culture, this reads as a masculine figure (e.g. “father-figure trip”). 

This may be from a female, whose masculine qualities were what attracted John in the first place:

In this intense, intimate and revealing original cassette recording of a private conversation in 1969 between John Lennon and Yoko Ono, the couple speaks primarily about Yoko’s past relationships, her music and art, and their random views on sex, love, promiscuity, and homosexuality. […] [Lennon] adds that he had never met an attractive woman that had sexually aroused him to any great degree.

— Description of the 45-minute audiotape auctioned in 2009 by Alexander Autographs.

I used to say to him, ‘I think you’re a closet fag, you know.’ Because after we started to live together, John would say to me, ‘Do you know why I like you? Because you look like a bloke in drag. You’re like a mate.’

— Yoko Ono, interviewed for New York Magazine (25 May 1981).

Or the partner he was looking for could be found in the (often dominant) person he was most emotionally invested in his whole life. 

All I want is you / Everything has got to be just like you want it to

And in a society that establishes that the closest two people can be, the greatest intimacy they can share, the ultimate declaration of love is to live in a monogamous amorous relationship, is it any wonder that John felt he could only believe in their relationship if they were together like that? Is it any wonder that he would doubt Paul’s affections because Paul apparently wasn’t willing to express them like that? 

JOHN: It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists. [faltering] An artist – it’s more – it’s much better to be working with another artist of the same energy, and that’s why there’s always been Beatles or Marx Brothers or men, together. Because it’s alright for them to work together or whatever it is. It’s the same except that we sleep together, you know? I mean, not counting love and all the things on the side, just as a working relationship with her, it has all the benefits of working with another male artist and all the joint inspiration, and then we can hold hands too, right?

SHEVEY: But Yoko is a very independent person. Isn’t it— [inaudible]

JOHN: Sure, and so were the men I worked with. The only difference is she’s female.

SHEVEY: But you didn’t find it difficult to make that transition?

JOHN: Oh yeah. I mean, it took me four years. I’m still not – I’m still only coming through it, you know.

— Interview with Sandra Shevey (June 1972).

I know I keep posting this quote, but I don’t think he can make it more obvious than that: it’s not about the sex. Or rather, the sex is not the primary thing. 

He didn’t push all those years because he was uncontrollably horny for Paul. John just wants a physical manifestation, a more tangible “proof”, of his emotional connections. He wants to be able to hold hands, be held and perhaps also have sex with his best friend; he needs those proofs of love through the means of physical affection because he won’t believe Paul’s love for him is there otherwise (or that it’s as great as John’s).

Would society normalizing other kinds of relationships – such as friendships – to be as important or on the same level as amorous (romantic/sexual) ones, have helped John and Paul? Most likely. 

Would society normalizing same-sex amorous relationships have helped John and Paul? Perhaps. (For this one we would have to look more closely at Paul’s needs and desires.)

All this to say that John’s idea of sexuality was extremely influenced by society, and in his case, the rule “amorous relationships are the normative ones” outweighed the “heterosexual relationships are the normative ones”. 

The conflict occurred when from Paul’s perspective, the priority of the rules was the other way around. I think Paul was ready to ignore society’s norm and live his life with his friendship with John as the most important relationship. But he also wanted a heterosexual one. (But more on that on a post of its own.)

For now, I hope I have more or less managed to express my thoughts on the matter of John’s sexuality. 

Thank you so much for reading through all that and for reaching out in the first place! I truly appreciate it!

[camerinhell]

[Hazbin Hotel Meta] Hazbin MBTIs~! Get your fresh Hazbin Hotel MBTIs here~!

I feel pretty…happy and confident about these ;w; I tried to use best judgement, the canonical info we have so far (even if a bit vague, gotta take what we can get!), and took into consideration like…that I’m really trying to be as realistic as possible. I really enjoy keeping to canon and building off realistic expressions of the characters even with a lot of the interactions between them being so bombastic or humorous. This is how I like to go about my writing for them too :)  

Alastor: ESTP - Extroverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving

Al is driven and motivated (on a base level, from what it seems) by pure stimulus. Regarding stimuli in his environment, he’s not looking to gain any philosophical or emotional insight, development or further connection to others from it; he wants to enjoy the experience in and of itself, even more so with the ability to manipulate it or those involved. Alastor wants action, entertainment, and the ability to make decisions, watch others make decisions, and watch the pieces fall where they may (long as that doesn’t lead to actual stability, peace or resolution). He enjoys engaging with others on his own terms/working a room, shaking things up and not just thinking about ‘what ifs?’, but actively creating those situations. He doesn’t want to be restricted, controlled or bored. ESTPs can tend to be impatient, self-important and prideful, have a habit of turning their noses up at others, and can be selfish. All these things definitely pertain or easily could pertain to Al.

Angel (and Cherri): ESFP - Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving

Angel and Cherri revel in dramatics and energy! They are bright, relatively warm (given…where they are, lol), sociable and like to have the spotlight on them. They take pleasure in the things around them and engaging with their surroundings. They’re enthusiastic, loud, active and want to be seen and heard. Real lives of the party that are generally supportive of their friends and unafraid to speak their minds. All this taken into account, some downfalls of their personalities are that they can react aggressively towards critique or inquiry, get bored easier than (most) other types and are easily distracted. Their empathy can also come off as superficial or insincere because of their playful, non-serious attitudes (remember, we even got to see Angel struggle with empathy and support when he was attempting to console Charlie).

Charlie: ENFJ - Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging

Charlie is the definition of an ENFJ. She is a benevolent idealist who wants to see the best in people, and honestly believes in the best in people (as we see with her dream/goal for the Happy Hazbin Hotel. She wants to inspire and be inspired. Her type is actually pretty intrinsic to the plot at large). Charlie is unbelievably selfless; her motivations and what she wishes to contribute to those and the world around her are for their betterment. She is infatuated with the thought of things but needs the assistance in executing those thoughts and dreams into reality. Weaknesses that accompany this type and definitely Charlie herself are: not thinking things through, stubbornness/lack of flexibility (particularly for themselves), and being prone to burning themselves out. From the onset of the pilot all the way until the end she’s pushing herself, having difficulty really taking advice/direction and isn’t willing to see beyond her own scope of things.

Husk: ISTP - Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving

Coming up with a likely MBTI for Husk was an enjoyable challenge! It definitely put my critical interpreting to the test and also helped me more critically assess the MBTIs for the other characters (though most of those wrote themselves/were much more apparent imo).

Husk is an avid gambler and alcoholic drinker, and these two things guided me in understanding his type. He appreciates tactile interaction and socialization on his own terms (as is required by most gambling), easily comes to decisions/conclusions from changes/information in his environment and is sensitive, for better or worse, to stimuli in his environment as many SPs are, and likely craves it actively or on a base level. Husk seems to be quietly dependable and competent/effective based off of Alastor’s (albeit humorously manipulative) words to him, which is a hallmark for ISTPs. He’s operationally a loner, but not misanthropic, just reserved/internalized unless caused to act. Some obvious issues that can arise with this MBTI and clearly would apply to Husk are: being distant or closed off, potentially risky or self-destructive behavior (yuuup~), and lacking compassion or emotional sensitivity.

Sir Pentious: ENTJ - Extroverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging

Pentious is goal-oriented (as are most other NJs), rational, intelligent and clever (despite his loud personality and Saturday morning villain aesthetic lol). He desires order and values exacting organized, calculated plans. He’s rather assertive and craves a high degree of control in his surroundings (I mean he’s a mechanical mastermind hellbent on ruling Hell and attaining more recognition and influence, after all). Being an EN type, he has a natural charisma, and much like many charismatic types, he wants to be noticed and valued. ENTJs have a tendency to desire legacy and recognition for their accomplishments since they are born leaders who enjoy setting all the dominoes in place, this is no truer than for Sir Pen. If he is to set up a lengthy, complex far-reaching plan to exact his visions, he wants to be noted, and noted well for that. Weaknesses that tend to hinder ENTJs are being overly confident and condescending, bossy, inflexible and prone to outbursts/meltdowns. If that’s not our snek idk what is tbh.

Vaggie: ISTJ - Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging

Vaggie is logical (if fiery; which should not be confused for Feeling), perceptive (which should not be confused for Perceiving), reliable, detail-oriented and hard-working. She is incredibly dedicated and forward with her intents and expects no nonsense. ISTJs like to keep a keen eye on those in their surroundings and expect those around them to abide by the standards they set as they truly do value the tasks at hand and the well-being of those around them/those they’re in charge of or aiding. If we look at her interactions with Angel in the limo, and Alastor back at the hotel, it is super clear that she is protective personally and professionally of those under her care but also the hotel/Charlie’s endeavors. ISTJs aren’t typically noted as being the guardians and protectors, and that’s usually because others are only viewing those roles from a purely emotional standpoint. Though ISTJs still have feelings like any other human-being, they approach protecting and guarding as a matter of duty first and foremost (that they wouldn’t undertake if they didn’t care in the first place). Very Vaggie. Weaknesses that can befall people of this MBTI are: being stuck in their ways/stubborn, brash and indelicate, and being unable to compromise for/with others.

I hope I did justice to these wonderful characters and helped extrapolate on them some more! With any luck, ya’ll enjoy this and it serves as a great resource for writing these characters and their interpersonal interactions ;w;/ I know there’s no way to confirm any of this as canon, but I’d like to think it’s hopefully not too far off lol Thanks for reading~!!

[midsvmmars]

characters based on tarot: the major arcana

under the cut is the twenty two major arcana cards (or main cards) of tarot personified as characters. if you are looking for character inspiration, muse, or archetypes this is a good list to give you a base character idea. you can also do more research on your own for each card and their art to help once you’ve chosen, and i might do a reversed card character help too!! i will also be doing this for each of the four sections of the minor arcana cards!! i hope this helps you in building a character and if you have any questions or need any help send me an ask cuz i love talking about this stuff!! thanks!!

1. the fool: this is a character on a journey, full of excitement and potential and happy to see what the world has for them because their blindly optimistic on this new journey. think hercules at the beginning of the disney movie when he goes to phil’s, so ready to find his place and the epic journey of his life. this is someone following their heart and their dreams, and believe everything happens for a reason even the bad things that are thrown their way is a learning experience. this is a character who develops in a positive way, growing for the better, and is so optimistic it’s in an almost childish way. this is that character who has their few belongings packed into the back of their car and are going on a roadtrip with only three shirts. they don’t need a lot, just their positivity and maybe a really good book and pet. their biggest flaw is their innocence or naivety, and while they can brush off some bad things well they still have a lot to learn about the world and are at risk of being hardened.

2. the magician: this character is, unlike the fool, is goal oriented and has a straight plan for their life and career. this character is extremely ambitious, more mature, and are very balanced in everything in their lives. they are grounded, know their worth and place and have a lot of inner power because of that. this is someone that is highly educated both in their studies but in the world, being very cultured as well. they have unlimited potential and refuse to allow anyone to get in the way of that.

3. the high priestess: this card is known as the card that “sits at the gate before the great Mystery” and “in front of the thin veil of awareness, which is all that separates us from our inner selves.” so um...everything (my fav card obvi). this is a character who has a silent power, so completely sure of themselves and everything in them that they have no need to scream it at the rooftops and let everyone know, because their actions so it and in knowing your own truth you don’t need to prove it to others. this is the character that always trusts their gut cuz it’s always right, they have great intuition. this is another character that is mature, and more so an old soul. this person recognizes the importance of both good and bad in life, the duality of people and that no one is fully good or bad. they’re like a lawful neutral to true neutral in other terms.

4. the empress: this card represents femininity, fertility, and beauty. they’re if aphrodite was a tarot card. this is a character who is very much into nature, finding comfort in the breeze in the woods and being near the beach. they are very down to earth and peaceful, a pure spirit and very peaceful. they’d be the mom friend if they weren’t so chill.

5. the emperor: this character is more harsh, someone who borders on cruel with their blunt words but covers it by claiming it’s “tough love”. this is someone who is mature and has been through a lot to get to the good position where they are. they are hardened by the world and very pessimistic because of that. they insist on being the leader even if they aren’t always the best of it, because they are too headstrong to be anything but the leader. they always take action and initiative, but don’t think their actions through sometimes or see the other side of an argument because they immediately think their opinion is the correct one. they are the harsh dad friend, gruff who rarely has nice things to say but you think they still love you? maybe? you can’t really tell. it takes a lot to get this character to open up or trust someone.

6. the hierophant: this character is religious and deeply rooted in family and tradition. they are very big on family, whether that means being really close to theirs or wanting one of their own (or both), but they think very little is as important as family. they follow the set rules, values, and moral of their religion or family and instead of adapting and changing with their situation they find a way to put their beliefs in their situation. this character is a mentor to those around them, an older soul who wants to help others in the way they think is best.

7. the lovers: while this card usually represents the bond between two people, it can still be used for one character!! this is a character who is a hopeless romantic and has been hurt a lot because of that, used emotionally and sexually by people they thought were the one and weren’t. now they are in a place of healing, still looking for love and romance but healing from their past romantic failures and trying to mend their heart for the person who will treat them right.

8. the chariot: this is a character who has victory as the light at the end of the tunnel...if they can get through all the crap that’s being thrown at them. this is a character who has everything against them in their journey or goal, going through relentless struggles until they can finally reach the goal and that’s only if they can get through all that and handle the struggle. they have a lot of drive and determination though, and that should keep them going through the obstacles of their lives. character wise this could be a character who comes from a low income family putting in a lot of effort to get a scholarship to their dream school for example!

9. the hermit: there are multiple ways you can go about this character. the most common one is the literal hermit, someone who is super introverted, alone, shy, and generally sad. maybe they have a reason for always being alone and a past trauma. maybe this person is just really anti social or afraid of interaction. maybe they are pessimistic and just hate everyone and think they’re the only one worth being around. these are all various ways you can go for a character, though it makes it harder for interactions especially in a group rp so i propose a more social version of the hermit!! a character who loves being alone but not of disdain of others, but of love of themselves. this is someone who has gone through a long journey of self discovery and learning to love themselves when they didn’t always, and now has more awareness of the world around them and who is worth their presence now that they have more self respect for themselves. they surround themselves with those close with them, don’t take shit from anyone and will drop you if you’re not a good friend, and wants to be single. they are still in a spot of self discovery and need to focus on themselves, not a relationship but if love comes we’ll see.

10. strength: this strength doesn’t necessarily mean physical strength (though it can), but inner strength. this is a character who has a lot of inner strength. they are calming, loving, compassionate, and strong not only for themselves but those around them. they can tame anyone and anything (in a good way) with their loving nature, showing people love and helping them relax from moments of anger or stress. they are the total mom friend, the one who takes out their friends when they’re feeling bad or brings over ice cream and movies when they have a bad breakup. 

11. the wheel of fortune: tbh i can’t think of a character for this!!

12. justice: this character, clearly, believes in justice. they are the ultimate lawful good, they’re probably a lawyer, cop, or fbi agent or something that has to do with justice. this is a person who believes in karma, people getting what they deserve for their actions, and taking responsibility for yourself and what you’ve done. they are very serious, especially about their work and equality, and could easily be a social justice warrior. they can be kind of harsh and judgmental though, and might not be the friend you go to if you make a mistake out of fear that they’d say “you deserve it for doing that.” while they are harsh, they have a good heart and just believe in the best of people and insist on people being the best version they can be, and won’t stand for any less.

13. the hanged man: while you may not expect it, this character would most likely fall under the archetype of the hero, the tragic one more specifically. this is the character who is willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, the martyr to save everyone else. this is someone who was once a very self righteous type of hero, seeing themselves as the ultimate form of justice and clarity, that they are the true hero of the world and it isn’t until they see the world through a different perspective that they realize they might not have always been right, or that the only option for the happiest ending for the mass is to surrender. they remind me of steve rogers for some reason.

14. death: this is a character that is killing off a past part of themselves, their life, or have lost someone from their past. either of these options lead to the same thing for your character: a large change in their life. this is a character being thrust into a big change whether or not they’re prepared. they are being reborn into something new or into a new life, and this is for the best. they are a bit disoriented, but it’s all apart of their journey. 

15. temperance: this is a very cautious character, afraid of something that could throw off the balance of their life that they’ve worked so hard on having. they’re kind of introverted, someone who blushes easily and refuses to drink while at the party. they have a deep connection with nature and are comfortable being on their own, but wouldn’t deny company if it came.

16. the devil: this is a character with a lot of bad traits. this is that character who is the rich kid that spends their money on drugs and parties, is rarely sober and when they are they’re hungover, and can’t seem to get on top of their shit. this is someone who has chained themselves to bad habits, whatever it may be (sex, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc) and tries to hide their problems from the people that care about them by waving money in their face and showing all the “good” they have. they can’t seem to free themselves from these addictions and hateful thoughts towards themselves, because while they may act like they like themselves they loathe themselves.

17. the tower: this is a character who reminds me of cassandra from greek mythology, who doesn’t intend to but brings catastrophe in their wake. they try to warn people of the negative consequences but no one believes them, and bad things happen everywhere they go.

18. the star: this character is like the fool in the fact that they are overly optimistic and naive. they remind me of ariel from the little mermaid, hopeful for the world and all it has to offer while not fully knowing or understanding it. nonetheless they are an absolutely adorable character, someone people love no matter what and want to protect from the cruelty of the world so they maintain their happy disposition. unlike the fool they aren’t as easily going to brush off negative things happening in their life, as they are very vulnerable and sensitive and their heart can be broken very easily.

19. the moon: this is tied with the high priestess as my favorite card, as this card represents mystery and the unconscious mind. it reminds me of shows like twin peaks or gravity falls, where something seems quaint, simple, cute but underneath there is a dark layer to it. this is a character with a not necessarily evil in them, but some dark part of them pushed deep down in their subconscious that is trying to bubble out. they might not know they have this in them, having erased it from their mind, or they might be in a constant struggle to push it down and hide it. they are in a constant struggle with themselves, and the secrets they keep.

20. the sun: this is the ultimate optimist, and is most definitely a leo zodiac wise. they are always loud and fun, sometimes too loud where it kind of embarrasses their friends when they’re at dinner and they’re screaming. this is a character who is just generally happy, fun, bright, and chipper. they are literally the sun.

21. judgement: this is similar to justice, but less judgy (even if they are judgement). while justice is the friend you don’t want to go to for advice or emotional health, judgement is. if you’re unsure if you made the right choice you go to judgement, this is the character that can see all sides to the picture and give good advice. if they agree with you or give you a thumbs up on your decision you know you made the right choice. this is the character that has their shit together, and could easily run an advice column on a website or in a newspaper.

22. the world: this is the character who seems to be on top of the world, finally achieving all they’ve ever dreamed of and finding balance and clarity in their life. they’ve been through a lot to get here, but it’s all worth it in the end and they can finally relax and enjoy all they’ve gotten.

[dankcranks]

100% serious. It'll help me get out of my own head, too. I've had a kinda blehhh day

same here friendo

putting this under a cut cause it’ll be long

☝ - How tall are you? - fun story for years i thought i was 5′7 cause that was the height the last time i was measured at my doctor’s office in my late teens, but they measured me “just to see” the last time i was there, and i’m 5′8???? the last few years of my life has been a lie

✔ - Sexual Orientation - ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ still trying to figure this out tbh. def pansexual, probably panromantic but also possibly on the grey spectrum??? i value platonic relationships over romantic ones, but do still have the ability to have romantic attractions towards others (although it’s rare) and idk what that means

🚬 - Do you Smoke? i used to a lot a lotttt but nowadays it’s only when i’m with friends that smoke and can bum one off of them (cause i’m incapable of making good choices when it comes to my health)

🍷 - Do you Drink? - yes, but rarely and generally only socially 

♒ - Do you Take Drugs? - prescription yes. but similarly to smoking, i used to smoke a lot a lotttt of weed but now only do when i’m hanging with the person in my life that smokes regularly

😳 - Age you get mistaken for? - honestly idek. late teens? people are always suspeeshy of me when they id me and see my birth year, and i feel like i look like a teenage boyo which isn’t helped by my shit skin

💉 - Have Tattoos? - ocarina of time style ganondorf and skull kid (with the mask you give him on) on my left upper arm, the chorus of hilf mir fliegen by tokio hotel on my back, and schwester on my foot (for my sister)

✏️ - Want any tattoos? - oh hell yes i have like a backlog of tattoos i want

✂️ - Got any Piercings? - snakebites, industrial, rook, lobes x3

✌ - Want any piercings? - occasionally i think about a nose ring, but nah, i’m happy with the ones i have

👌 - Best friend? - i live with one of them, and the other lives on the other side of canada :’)

♥ - Do you like anyone? - lmao nah

🎤 - Top 5 favorite bands? - KSJHDSAK kay i’m putting these in no particular order, cause it’s hard enough limiting it just to five, let alone determine a favourite. also this is subject to change at any given moment. twenty one pilots, weezer, alexisonfire, linkin park(💔), one direction anD HAHAHAHA I’M COUNTING THEIR SOLO CAREERS AS PART OF THIS FIGHT ME

🎶 - Top 5 favorite songs? - this is even fucking worse than trying to limit my top five bands alfhdalfhlsjdkf i’m gonna go with the top five songs that i currently keep listening to on repeat (again, no particular order)top - addict with a pensleeping at last - saturnniall horan - seeing blind ft maren morristop - a car, a torch, a deathpale waves - television romance

😒 - Biggest pet peeve? - forgetting about plans (i literally do nothing with my life so like, when i make plans with someone, i'm really really looking forward to it)

📝 - Story from your childhood. - so when we got our family cat, i really wanted to call her cookie. but my mom decided on sophie, and i was highkey offended because i wanted a cute non human name like cookie??? but it’s hilarious now, because i only name animals by human names

💬 - I wish… - i wish i could afford to have more cats in my life

‼️ - Something you’ll change? - ...the amount of cats in my life

💦 - What makes you horny? - i literally had to finish these questions and come back to this lmao. physically, arms and nice hair i guess. otherwise, jfc idk, i’ma go real lame and say personality. idk how the fuck i get turned on okay, it just happens sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

🌟 - A wish you’ll wish for? - m o r e  c a t s  i n  m y  l i f e

🔥 - Something spicy you like? - fuckIN INDIAN FOOD (i’m eating some curry i made right now lmao) shoutout to other east asian spicy foods

👃 You hate the smell of …. - idk fertilizer

👊 - Something you hate? - myself lmao #relatable am i rite

🚶 - Are you single? - yup

💬 - Can we text? - i have no idea who you are

💌 - Fan mail me? - again, i have no idea who you are

💍 - Marry me? - i literalLY DON’T KNOW WHO THIS IS 

💘 - Be my tumblr crush? - ^^^^^^^^^^^^

💭 - Favorite foods? - indian foods, bagels, cereal, ramen, sushi

☀ - Story about your day. - my cat tomi is having one of those days where he decides he’s going to be a gigantic piece of shit. he keeps coming over to me and yelliNG, reaching up to my desk and trying to knock things off. he keeps trying to get in fights with the other cat too. currently, i can hear him getting up to shit in the living room

💘 - Top 5 celebrity crushes? kay so there aren’t enough “celebrities” of sorts that i have that traditional celeb crush on that set my loins ablaze SO here have a list of celebrities that my ass will stan until the day i die because of their raw talent and for the way they treat those around them: tyler joseph, harry styles, uhhhh, josh dun, louis tomlinson, niall horan

🎥 - Top 5 favorite movies? ah fuck. spirited away, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and i’d be doing my child self a disservice if i didn’t include the nightmare before christmas, ace ventura when nature calls, and fantasia (the three movies that truly shaped me as a person)

📺 - Top 5 favorite TV shows? - i’m about to expose my nerd ass lmao. in no particular order - avatar the last airbender, dragonball z, card captor sakura, battlestar galactica (the 2004 remake also this just reminded me it’s been a while since my last rewatch *heavy breathing*), and, uh, idk, mr bean?

✏ - Random fact about yourself. - am very musically inclined. percussion instruments is my home (piano included in this, cause it’s a percussion instrument thanks)

✈️ - Where are you from? - canada, north of toronto

🚀 - Where do you wanna visit? - germany and more of canada

😍 - Do you have a crush? - lmao no

😷 - Something you hate eating? - fuck kay i’m actually a really picky eater and because i’ve been working around it for years i always forget what foods i hate. uhh. turnips?

🙈 - What makes you shy? - people, but that’s directly related to my social anxiety ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

💃 - Can you dance? - i mean, i CAN, but is it any good? no

💏 - Do you love anyone? - YEEE i love my friends and family (animals count as family)

👟 - Favorite shoe(s) to wear? - i finally got real converse and i  l o v e  t h e m

🌴 - A island you would visit? - when it comes to like, traditional island type things, that’s like, warm places, and i’m not particularly a fan of warm places. like beachy vacation places? nah fam. so like, the kinds of islands i’d want to visit would be countries like japan or ireland

🌎 - A country you would visit? - g e r m a n y

🌀 - Favorite type of weather? - fall, when the leaves aren’t green anymore and some have fallen, and it’s a little windy, and it’s the kind of temperature where you go out in the morning with a jacket, but in the afternoon don’t really need the jacket

🔮 - Do you believe in luck? - kinda?

📱 - What kinda phone do you have? - i literally just bought my roomie’s old lg g4 off him

📅 - Favorite time of the year? - fuckin october because fall and SPOOP SEASON

📚 - Career goal you want? - ...lmao. one that lets me afford to adopt mature cat babes to love and care for

🍴 - Favorite food(s) to eat? i immediately wanna say indian, but i feel like it’s biased cause i’m eating it right now

🍭 - Favorite Candy? - probs sour patch kids

🍇 - Favorite fruits? - bananas? apples? kiwi?????

🚘 - Dream car(s)? - a functioning car that is one solid colour

🚔 - Have you ever been arrested? - nah but i’ve been in cahoots with the law for dumb shit

🚑 - Have you ever driven in an ambulance before? - this question is phrased weird and it’s making my brain fucky. but i’ve been taken somewhere in an ambulance before, yes

🎫 - Do you have a license? - yee i have my full driving license as well as my boating license (lol)

🚼 - Do you have or want kids? - nO only animal frens

🔞 - Are you under 18? - nah

🐶 - Do you own a pet? - ngl i don’t like the phrasing of “owning a pet” buT i do live with animal babes that are under my care :3

😔 - Something that makes you sad? - thinkin about all the animal babes at animal shelters that don’t get adopted cause they’re not babies or they’re a little broken D8

😡 - What pisses you off? - boy howdy that’s a loaded question. lets go with a nice blanket response of “the state of the world”

😏 - What turns you on? - go back to the horny one

😈 - Are you a freak? - this is a very subjective question. to normies? yeah. in the sheets? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

💪 - Do you work out? - like bimonthly when i decide i’m gonna look after myself better lol  

[gethealthy18-blog]

THM Year in Review 2019 [The Final Post of the Year!]

New Post has been published on https://healingawerness.com/news/thm-year-in-review-2019-the-final-post-of-the-year/

THM Year in Review 2019 [The Final Post of the Year!]

Like every other year I’m going to start this post with “OMG where did this year go?” But honestly, how is 2019 almost done? How is this DECADE almost done? Turning 30 was easy but living in the 2020s feels surreal. It’s like something out of a sci-fi movie. I still remember Y2k and thinking the world was about to come to an end. Now it’s 20 years later and we’re very much still here. Excuse me while I have a “what is life?!” moment over here.

But in a seriousness this year has been a total whirlwind full of big changes, small wins and another year of experience in the books. Though certainly stressful and tumultuous at times (such is life!), this year felt much less chaotic and far more stable than 2018. For this I am so so grateful. And as with every year since the beginnings of THM I’m dedicating this post to a year in review and what went down for me personally and professionally in 2019.

FYI: here are the previous year’s year end reviews:  2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 <–apparently I didn’t do one in 2013!

Big Changes in 2019

Personally this was a big year for me…I turned 30! While a number certainly doesn’t change anything, I did take a new decade as an opportunity to look back on the past, take what I’ve learned and what has served me while intentionally choosing to let go of the thoughts and habits that don’t. TBH I got a little tired of my own BS and what better than a birthday to decide to release it from my life? Personally this has been a big win.

Professionally this year has seen a lot of change. They say every 7 years big changes tend to unravel. Well here we are in THMs 7th year and that certainly is proving to be true. In some ways I am back to my roots doing exactly what I always intended to do with this space: share helpful resources for you guys to live your own version of health and wellness. In the beginning there was a lot more of me and my journey and while that remains to be true in the sense that my voice and perspective is infused into everything I share here, much less of my personal life is being shared. The older I get the less I want to be so open and vulnerable with every aspect of my life. It’s also not always the most valuable for you. Helping you guys pick safer candles, find the best natural mascara or whip up a healthy and easy dinner is my passion, and what I ate for breakfast this morning or the hike Curt and I did this weekend feels like a far departure from that. I’m so grateful you have all been so supportive through this process.

Here were some of the bigger changes in 2019:

Back to blogging – I’m sure you guys have noticed but there’s been a lot more posts around here. As I started to eliminate the parts of my business that weren’t filling me up, I found myself reconnecting with the things that did. It’s honestly been so fun being able to share 5-6 new blog posts each week and hopefully help inspire you in the process. Something that you may have noticed is that older posts are getting some makeovers and fresh photos. I have over 1000 blog posts on here but many of them are stuck in the past needing a refresh. So yes, not all content being shared is brand new but it’s all been vetted, tested and a resource for you.

My break from Instagram – Almost 4 months into this Instagram experiment and honestly, it’s been so so nice. I will likely be back sometime soon but there’s still some things I’m still sorting through mentally before that can happen. It’s a huge change and risk to take as a blogger but I have zero regrets and highly encourage all of you to take a social media break.

Ending the podcast – This one has truly been the hardest decision to make and come to terms with. I have learned SO much from the podcast both personally and professionally but if I’m being honest, my heart isn’t in it anymore. The podcasting and wellness space looks very different now and I truthfully don’t feel certain that the podcast is adding that much value to your lives. If it has I am so grateful for you tuning in. And if any podcast has touched you in some way consider this my PSA to reach out to the person running it, send them a note, write a review etc… cause we need to hear these things! It can feel like crickets out there sometimes. No one asked me to start a podcast but a lot of work, time and money goes into producing one and in this day and age we take a lot of free content for grated. Remember to thank and support the people who show up to create that content…off my soap box now 😉

Teaching Yoga – okay well it’s technically not new in 2019 but I did start teaching a regular studio gig. I absolutely love teaching my prenatal mamas on Tuesday night’s and subbing in when my schedule works for it for regular vinyasa classes. Getting to teach at my favorite studio in the world (and where I did my training!) is a dream come true and I feel lucky and grateful to show up each week. Come join me at The Pad Studios!

Coming up in 2020…

We’re moving homes the first week of January! We’re staying local in the Bay Area but Curt and I are moving to a house and while I’ll admit the whole process is very much stressing me out at the moment, we’re excited to get more space (a yard!) and enter a new decade with a fresh start. Our current apartment has been so good to us and I’ll be sad to leave it, but onwards + upwards!

Some big changes to THM. If you listened to the final podcast this week you’ll know there’s some big changes happening for THM. All good things that I can’t discuss quite yet but let’s just say it will be a new iteration of what you already know and love about this space but hopefully just serving you guys as best as possible. Stay tuned!

Small wins in 2019

This year hasn’t just been about the big wins. There’s been some small ones too. Many of these are personal but they’ve had a huge impact on my life and I’m so proud of the progress I’ve made.

I started driving (!!!!!!) – if you know me you know my greatest fear in life is driving. Yes, I have a driver’s license (and if you want a great story feel free to ask me how) but it’s always been a huge mental blocker for me. I’ve also always lived in cities where driving was never necessary. While you can certainly live in San Francisco without a car, it can make getting around a lot easier and more affordable. For 2 years I exclusively took public transit and lyfts but then certainly things came out that weren’t accessible by public transit and lyfts were getting insanely expensive. So in January I made it my mission to start driving our car. I’m thrilled to say I am so much more confident and have worked through a lot of my driving fears. It’s possible!

Bodhi is a certified Animal Assisted Therapy Dog – It only took a year but Bodhi officially passed his test and we will begin volunteering in January. 2 courses, 2 tests and an orientation and we finally made it! so proud of my big baby.

I finally got my finances in a row – I’ve always been a saver and pretty good with money but setting up a formal structure, 401ks and investing has always intimidated me. This year I made it my goal to get smart with money and really start understanding the system. I still feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface but we have an incredible financial advisor who has helped us with investing, saving for retirement and making smart financial choices. I officially feel like an adult.

I found a dentist I actually enjoy – guys…this is actually a big win! I hate the dentist. Like truly loathe it. Well this year I found a new dentist who has been so much more understanding with my dental fears and makes me not mind going. If you’re in SF I love Integrative Dentistry.

Travel in 2019

Although I didn’t share nearly as many posts about our travels as I have in the past, this year has not been short on travel. We were able to make it out to New York, Minnesota + Toronto for weddings as well as a trip to Arizona to spend some time with my family. We escaped to our favorite place in the world (Mendocino, California!) more times than I can count as well as many weekend trips to Sonoma and even a whirlwind trip to Vegas to see Lady Gaga for my birthday. I never talked about this but I also treated myself to a 5 day solo trip to Miraval Austin for my 30th birthday. One of the best trips of my life!

Here on the blog I shared some travel guides to hopefully help inspire some travels of your own:

–Our US Southwest Road Trip (Utah, New Mexico, Arizona) –Cariboo Gold Rush Trail Travel Guide (British Columbia, Canada) –Pacific City, Oregon

2020 is already looking busy with several trips for weddings and a long-awaited bucket list trip to New Zealand in March. Can’t wait to share more about it soon!

My favorite posts of 2019

Each year I share my favorite posts of the year and this year was by far the hardest. There’s been so many posts this year covering a wide range of topics. Narrowing it down has been difficult but on first glance here are the ones I really loved and have stuck with me:

Wellness

-All the Clean Beauty 5 x 5 posts (check out my Best of Clean Beauty 2019 post for the full recap!) –Announcing the Green Beauty Shop! –What is Sustainable Clothing + My Favorite Sustainable Clothing Brands –Gua Sha vs. Jade Rolling: What are they and how do they compare? –How to Find a Therapist that is the right fit for you? –I Switched to a Menstrual Cup – here’s why! –How to Style Curly Hair w/ Natural Products –The Best Natural Deodorants [ I tried 20+!]

Recipes

–Tahini Date + Cinnamon Smoothie –Healthy Kimchi Fried Rice –Roasted Cabbage Steaks with Chickpeas + Creamy Herb Sauce –Pumpkin Spice Blondies –Double Chocolate Cookies [Grain-Free] –Matcha Protein Bars –Warm Lentil + Sweet Potato Salad

So there you have it! It’s been quite the year. Given all the changes coming in 2020 I have a feeling it will be equally, if not even more exciting. As always, this is the last post of the year so the team and I can have a little break over the holidays. Here’s to facing your fears and being open to change. Deep breaths. I’ll see you in 2020!

What were some highlights from your 2019?!

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[survivorindia]

Whatever Forever- jaiden (Episode 3)

Anyway!!!!!!!! I just got elimed and whew I'm just feeling so many emotions. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown the immunity to save lexi, maybe I should've kept ace over Ashley,maybe I never really had a chance in this game in the first place. Overall? I just feel bad for promising lexi that I'd help keep her in the game and then immediately flopping, and for Kendall, leaving my one tru ally by herself, I hope the swap goes in her favour and that both of them can vote out the rest of the returnee heroes, some revenge is always nice TBH. Ashley, gav and Alex, I really did trust two of you and I was gonna stay loyal so it sucks that y'all flipped so easily, of course the fact that Ashley had an idol probably wasn't the best thing, but we could've figured something out. I hope the three of you get elimed soon or at least prejury bc you know the great dan whatever his last name is said flippers never win and well it's no fun seeing snakes get far either TBH ! And I know y'all won't be reading this til later but good luck newbies I hope y'all truly slay this game bc really some of these returnees I would really rather see get elimed except maybe Kendall and Jordan pines. This has been a fun game for the most part, the challenges were great, the hosts were greater (even David Robb) and I met some good people in my short stay here! Do I have some regrets? Yeah but I wouldn't have wanted to play this game any other way. Keep an eye out for me in the returnee season :~) single digits I'm still coming for ya!

So not much has happened this round. We won, yet again. And my #1 ally out of everyone in this game, my good friend Monte, was sadly voted out. But best believe I'm gonna win this game for him!

What in the heckie is Nicole doing?

What the FUCK? These people need to CHILL out. It's our fault - we made the mistake, the hosts don't have to babysit us every step of the way. Now we gotta own it and win this tiebreaker - honestly, Danny g'luck (I WAS FORCED TO MAKE THIS S/O) to these people, because they are getting on my nerves with their complaining rn. 

We keep winning. I love that. But Jordan Pines might wanna blindside me... so to that I say:

Am I exaggerating? A little bit. I think. I don't know. I'm being weird and emotional so idk what the fuck I'm actually thinking... I hope I get voted out next at this point yay

Okay, everyone listening? Two common misconceptions about pegging: If a man likes pegging, he must be gay. If you peg a straight man, he will become gay. Cue Laughter and Eye Roll - Both of these are so ridiculous as to be laughable on so many levels. Gender preference has nothing to do with the sex toys you like to play with...or the area of your body you like your partner to play with. For those of you who have fears around this - please excuse the laughter...though I do find the concept quite humorous. Think of it this way...If a straight man enjoys getting pegged by a woman there is no reason whatsoever to think that all of a sudden he will crave sex with men. Just like if a straight woman enjoys receiving oral sex from a man there is no reason whatsoever to think that she will suddenly want to be a lesbian. See how silly that sounds? (Now if the man is bisexual, just ignore all this and go to the next blog post because he prefers both genders so these points are moot.) A man who wants his ass fucked is gay, you say? Bullshit. (I seem to be in a sassy mood tonight.) Remember, the male ass is the source of an amazing amount of pleasure via the prostate gland. Whether a man experiences that pleasure from his lady's finger(s), his own finger(s), a toy (there are so many), his lady’s strap-on, a butt plug, his partner's finger(s) or his partner's cock makes no difference. All of the above are simply various examples of the pursuit of pleasurable sensations from an ass. Many really nice toys are specifically made for anal pleasure! That should give you a bit of pause. Maybe the people buying these items know something....just like the 150 - 200 million gay men in the world. But wait - I'm probably confusing you... Unexplored Ecstasy - The point here is that anal exploration is about pleasure, not an indicator of gender preference. What I find a shame is that so many straight men will not indulge in that pleasure because of these misconceptions along with the bullshit social stigma attached to it. Maybe it's just me (standing here ready with my strap-on), but that sounds like a lot of pleasure being abstained from...and oh my the word abstinence  in any form is not a popular one amongst the pleasure seekers that have found their way to Pegging Paradise! I am certain there are men out there who secretly would love to have their ass teased with...well, a variety of things. These men hesitate to ask for it because they fear their partner's reaction to their request or the reaction of others if they found out. All of this is fed by the original misconceptions as well as a puerile dose of idiotic homophobia. Get over it, people! I know...easier for me to say here in Southern California when some of you might be in conservative strait-laced sex-negative hell somewhere. But hey - we need to start somewhere, right? Are you going to let other people's narrow-minded attitudes affect your pursuit of pleasure in the privacy of your own bedroom (hotel room, board room, etc)? I think not. No Fear - So Ladies, I urge you to get over your own fears that if you fuck your man in the ass with a strap-on dildo the gay fairy will instantly appear and sprinkle him with magic gay dust and you will lose him forever to his own gender. Okay? If you can't let go of that fear, you have no business strapping on a dildo. I mean really...are you going to follow him around after you fuck him and be suspicious of all of his encounters with males? Let it go, ladies. And when you get your man where you want him and you have your way with him...don't kiss and tell. Especially if you live in one of those strait-laced sex-negative hell places I spoke of previously. Instead, treasure the vulnerability your man has shared with you and let him know that come hell or high water or nosy girlfriends, he can trust you to keep that part of your sex life confidential. Pleasure Seeking - Gentlemen, the other part of the formula here is you. If you are clear about which gender you prefer, that's your stable base. Do your best to let go of any homophobic comments you have heard, read or even, heaven forbid, said. Your anus is a part of your body that, when properly stimulated, offers a whole new world of pleasure. Orgasms with anal stimulation are most times much more intense and produce much more cum (that's always fun). Given just that, why wouldn't you want to at least check it out? If you love it, all that means is that you love getting fucked with a strap-on by the woman who makes you hot. There is no "Insta-gay" phenomenon that happens if your lady pegs you. As one man put it: I like breasts with my strap-on, thank you! Pegger/Peggee - Wouldn't it be awesome if people who were into pegging walked around in T-Shirts that said, simply, "Pegger" or "Peggee"? I mean - relatively few people who are not kink-oriented know the sexual meaning of the word so lovingly created by Dan Savage. So the masses of people leading lives of quiet desperation (read: sex-negative) wouldn't have a clue what it meant. And if asked, one could always say with a smile, "Look it up on Wikipedia". Just make sure it's a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile as you say the words and they just might look it up. Presto, you have just spread the word about a luscious, sexy, pleasure-filled act that couples can add to their carnal repertoire. You may have changed their lives forever...in a rather explosive way.

AHAHAHAHAHA @GAVIN

THOSE BOYS WANT TRIBAL TN BECAUSE WE LOST IMMUNITY AND IM SO FUCKING NERVOUS I DONT WANT TO DIE I HAVE SO MANY PLANS IF JORDAN SACRIFICE ME FOR NICOLE OKOKOKOK 

So... mission successful. Let's quickly debrief: 1. Ashley trusts me a lot more after I told her details that Alex told me in private. Making Ashley feel like she was on shaky ground further resulted in her letting me know that she has an idol. Whether or not it is true is besides the point... the true crux of the matter is that I have Ashley left in the game with three people she can't trust and me... so that means I ought to be her #1. 2. Alex and I are as tight as ever. Even despite giving Ashley information, I was able to quickly fix that bond. I genuinely like and trust Alex, but I can't let the cloud my judgement. He's very close to Kendall, which scares me, but I have looked to leverage that in our post-tribal call. In my conversations with Alex, I want to make him feel like he is calling the shots while still looking to provide input. Thus far, I think I have done that. With Ashley allegedly having the idol (information that was supposed to be "kept secret" but was totally not "kept secret" xD), I have talked to Alex extensively about the next vote and I've made a deal with him to take out Karen rather than Kendall... while also *hopefully* keeping Ashley's idol in play. My goal here is to come out of this with both Ashley and Alex working independently, but all in all, nonetheless in my best interests. In short, the way this tribe seems to be shaking out is that there is this façade of autonomy and power that Karen and Kendall have. They have this illusion that they call the shots, while it really is Alex and I that hold the cards in this dynamic. Kendall, to get Alex completely on my side... I need to spare you to gain his trust, BUT MARK MY WORDS I'M GOING FOR YOU! *Nothing against you, just your social game is very very strong but annoyingly obvious too ;3* Oh. And Ace got voted out too... I guess.

I never really made an opening confessional, so here I go I guess? I am really... really excited to be back. It's so easy for so many people to say "Oh yeah I've played a ton, people want me back." We see it with a ton of people, and that's not a bad thing. People want to see them back for a big reason. But I never had that. Coming off of Malaysia I was hated and people did not really respect me for who I was and thought that I was some awful person and player. It definitely hit me hard a bit, but at the time I was like, okay that's fine, there's other seasons. Tumblr does a lot. And so I applied. I applied for Sri Lanka with Marie and didn't make it. I applied for Rebels vs Rogues and didn't make it. I applied for Bora Bora and didn't make it. I believe I applied for Generations and wasn't casted, or I didn't believe I was going to have time due to time conflicts. I wasn't contacted for Maldives. I missed the application for Tenochtitlan. I applied for Sicily and didn't make it. I believe I applied for Bangladesh and didn't make it. I wasn't contacted for Arabia (though there may have been apps and I missed it). I wasn't contacted for Myanmar. And I was super excited to finally get this chance to play in Lazio but I missed the acceptance of my application. And going back to all the times I had tried to play or just was kind of ignored it was rough. I kind of thought I was done. And now I'm here playing in India. After over a year on and off of trying to play this game again. And to be honest, I'm hella pumped. Because I've missed out on so many chances to play. I think it says something when even parts of my Malaysia cast aren't even excited to see me on the season. This is kind of my opportunity to prove people wrong. My personality showed even at this Tribal where I literally told Gavin his answer to the Tribal Question was awful and completely wrecked Ace after he wished us a heartfelt goodbye. I want people to know that I am playing as hard as I can. I'm not here to change who I am to impress people. I'm here to show who I am so that I can prove to people that I'm not some worthless player who doesn't deserve to be back; I definitely feel like some people think that is the truth. I'm going to prove people wrong. Count on it.

I know I said I wanted to be a villain but goddamn, this is pretty fucked up. Oh right context because mind reading technology hasn't been invented quite yet. To make a long story short, Karen made an alliance chat with our victim (Ashley) and now it has a name and now it is terrible. Alex brings up voting Karen and that raisin I call a heart was all like "YAAASS QUEEN!" And my brain was tempted by the #bigmove but getting rid of Karen... is truthfully not to my benefit. Sure Karen is manipulative but she seems to trust me. She confides in me with information and she includes me in all her fucked up little schemes. In a sense, I'm the Trish to her Tony. If Trish and Tony were two gay and emotionally stunted children of course. Plus she has the connections to the other side that could get us far into the game and I am confident enough in our friendship that she will stay by my side. Of course, I will remain wary of her but for now I think our relationship is mutually beneficial. Karen needs me for back up in her schemes. I need Karen to get where I want to get. She gives me information. Information I can collect in to a giant web of evidence, so when the day comes when I turn on her, I'll have the evidence via receipts to back me up. Karen never deletes anything, I am planning on using that to my advantage.

So I was reallllyyyyyy close to using my idol tonight, and I totally would have wasted it if I had. Gavin advised me that I would be okay, and so did Alex and Kendall but like something didn't feel right. I had heard that Ace heard my name from Karen and I was like well shit. She had literally just today come to me and told me that we were all good and that she didn't hold the last game we played together against me. Like there are no hard feelings. but due to everything that was happening I kind of doubted that. But tbh I love Gavin and Alex and really hope we can work together for the next few rounds. Or even longer, who knows. I still am unsure about Karen and Kendall, as I don't really know them that well. But hopefully everything works out.

Oh I also definitely told Gavin I have an idol.... idiot move? We shall see. 

I am so glad we won immunity. It for sure would have been me or Lexi next if we had gone to tribal. It looks like Johnny and Whitney aren't too upset that I didn't vote with them but I can't take my chances. I had been searching for the idol for a while with no luck so I asked Lexi to help me find it. She found it within a few hours lol. We didn't find the idol but we found the idol grid. It's relieving to know it couldn't have been found right away. This gives me and her time to find it. Hopefully we'll get it before anyone else and we'll be set for the rest of the time on this tribe. I doubt anyone else on our tribe has found the idol page or would suspect that we found it. I'm thinking long term so the game plan would be using the idol on lexi and getting rid of Liam. If we happen to go to a tribal council after that we could try to get Whitney or Johnny to flip to our side. Even if they don't want to we can always force a tie so Lexi and I still have a strong chance of succeeding. We just have to find that idol!

This has been a crazy round. I'm glad the immunity challenge was changed to something that required more skill. The tribe worked very well as a team. There's an obvious divide between us so I'm glad we were able to get some time to bond and unite. As for the results, it was upsetting that the returnee heroes made such a big deal out of not getting theirs in on time. The rules clearly stated it was first to 10 pm. I'm sure we would've accepted defeat if we didn't send it faster than them. It was bad sportsmanship on their part. The tiebreaker was so stressful. I stepped up and I was so afraid of letting the team down. I knew if we went to tribal my only ally left, Lexi, would be voted off. There was a lot of pressure on me and I was honestly so anxious. I felt so victorious beating Kendall by 7 minutes. I hope my tribemates remember this next time we go to tribal and don't vote me out. I feel like I've done a lot for our tribe so I think I'm safe for now. I'm really hoping the tribe swap comes within the next two rounds. We can only win so many immunities and Lexi and I are on the bottom so we really need it asap.