#(title from unraveling by the crane wives)

[trafficlife]

And I Am Left Here Withering

"Can this day get any worse?" Joel had asked. The universe responded yes, three different times, each response more heartbreaking than the last. Joel would've preferred the universe proving him wrong.

word count: 1250 ao3 link

The first thing Joel heard was an explosion.

And his first instinct was to look up. Needless to say, he hadn’t completely moved on from Skynet and the TNT minecart traps. But no TNT could be spotted, thankfully. He didn’t think anybody would risk their hearts by creating a Skynet 3.0.

His second instinct was to assume that it was the Wither. If only he knew how badly that would come back to bite him later on.

His third instinct was to check his communicator, in case someone died. He didn’t see any lightning flash in the sky, which he thought was weird.

Joel pulled out his communicator, just in case he missed something, and—

Oh.

Oh, no.

For a moment, he thought he was experiencing déjà vu. He gritted his teeth and he tightened his grip on the communicator, nearly destroying it. Hot red blood pumped through his veins, speeding up his heart rate and he thought he was going to go snap. Joel behaved this way when Jimmy died first in Limited Life. When he had failed to sacrifice himself for him. But there were two major differences this time: 1) Joel wasn’t a red name (yet); and 2) it was Lizzie who died first.

He blinked rapidly. Once, twice, five times, because he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He didn’t even see the death message in the chat. Does anybody even know what’s happened to her?

Joel sent a few messages, alerting everyone of Lizzie’s sudden departure. He was right: nobody knew what happened and responded with shock. Jimmy responded with happiness. 

Joel wanted to be angry at Jimmy’s inconsiderate response but he couldn’t be. For the first time since these games started, Jimmy wasn’t the first one out. He remembered the last game. Joel wanted to sacrifice himself for Jimmy, he wanted so badly to free him from that cycle. And he failed.

He failed and he went insane and it ended up being his downfall. 

Joel was happy for Jimmy, he really was. However, it was difficult to express his happiness considering the news he just received. 

He had a suspicion that Scott was somehow involved in Lizzie’s death and that just made him feel even worse. Because, like the idiot he was, Joel just had to send his wife to kill Scott. He didn’t see lightning in the sky, so she didn’t even die in the overworld.

He remembers Lizzie telling Joel that she’d lure Scott into the End and try to push him into the void. Now it only seemed reasonable to assume that Lizzie fell into the void instead. Joel would’ve felt better if Lizzie dragged Scott down with her.

So, Lizzie was dead, Jimmy was celebrating, and Joel was craving vengeance even more than before. Though he failed his task, he would kill Scott. He was only a yellow name for now. And, there was a somewhat bright side: the canary could finally escape the mines.

—----------------------------

Unfortunately, the canary could not escape a warden and a Wither. At the same place. At the exact same time.

Joel, trying to calm down after hearing about Lizzie’s death, was killing some zombies. Mainly for experience, but also because mobs were the only things Joel could legally kill. Then, a series of explosions and some muffled shouting could be heard on the surface. Now, this has to be the Wither, he thought. Secretly, Joel hoped he would be wrong. But when went up to the surface, he found that he was, unfortunately, 100% correct. A Wither was flying in the dark sky, hot on Scar’s heels and firing skulls at him. The fact that Scar was still alive and not taking any wither damage was pretty remarkable. If only he wasn’t luring the bloody Wither to Joel. 

So Joel had to run from Scar and the Wither, hoping they’d both leave him alone. As he ran, Joel wanted to say “could things get any more chaotic?”

And then he saw a warden chasing Etho.

Apparently, the universe felt “bad” for always proving Joel wrong so it wanted to prove him right for once. He’d rather be wrong for the rest of his life. 

He just wanted to breathe for a moment and collect himself. But obviously, the universe can’t let him catch a break. Lightning flashed in the sky and Joel felt his already-fracturing heart crumble into pieces. He didn’t want to check his communicator, he just didn’t want to because he didn’t know if he could handle the truth. He saw Tango pull out his communicator, shock written all over his face. And Joel just had to look over and see—

“JIMMY!” 

Once again, he felt his sanity slipping. He was already in a horrible state but to lose his wife and his best friend, barely ten minutes apart from each other… Joel wanted to curse this world and its twisted sense of humor. 

Tears stung Joel’s eyes and his breathing became more ragged. This wasn’t happening, this wasn’t happening. He nearly fell to his knees in despair but he knew he had to keep running. And, as if the universe wasn’t already having a blast, Joel heard Grian scream.

“Mumbo, LEAVE!” Grian cried, followed by a flash of lightning and Grian screaming Mumbo’s name in distress.

If Joel had any sanity left in him, it had disintegrated the moment the second lightning bolt struck. The only reason why he was still keeping himself together was because he wasn’t red, and the bloodlust hadn’t kicked in. Never has he wanted to be red so badly, to hurt someone and get revenge and take out the rest of this bloody world. 

How could he lose three of the people he cared about in rapid succession? Lizzie died trying to kill Scott (the fact that Joel was responsible for it left a horrible taste in his mouth); Jimmy couldn’t run from the warden fast enough; and Joel barely even got to know Mumbo and he was already gone. They barely had any time to spend together because of the stupid task mechanics that separated the Mounders more than it brought them together.

He had surpassed his breaking point. He wasn’t even red but he tasted blood in his mouth and his heart was pounding in his ears. 

(Everyone he loved had withered away but Joel was still here. But he didn’t know if he wanted to be here.)

—----------------------------

The Wither was defeated but that didn’t mean shit to Joel. Not when it felt like he’d lost everything. 

Part of him wanted to wither away as well. But that would mean giving up. Joel was a lot of things but he sure as hell wasn’t a quitter. 

Skizz told Joel to win for Lizzie. Well, Joel was going to take it a few steps further and win for Lizzie, Jimmy, and Mumbo. He’d rise above this somehow. 

Exhausted and on the verge of tears, Joel walked back to his fairground, clutching a wither rose in his hand. He doesn't remember when or why he picked it up, but holding the stem gave him a little bit of stability. He couldn’t tell if he was bleeding from the withering effect, the thorns in the rose, or from his nails digging into his palms but it didn’t bother him. He had more important things to worry about, such as finding a way to kill Scott.

In the end, the florist could only send regards to himself. 

[solsays]

Lifers x Crane Wives

I saw someone comment on a life series TikTok or something to try and pair all of the lifers to a crane wives song, without repeating songs. so obviously I spent an hour doing it

Grian—Tongues & Teeth (self explanatory if you’ve EVER heard this song)

Scar—Steady, Steady (this whole song is about how their partner is walking out but they still want to be “wild and free” which is just SO Scar coded)

Tango—Ancient History (he keeps teaming up with Skizz and I feel like this song vibes with that, it also just feels very Tango)

Skizz—Icarus (this man always gives himself up for his teammates I swear, and he fuels them to keep going. It also says “oh brother, brother” which feels like Skizz talking to any of his teammates to me)

Impulse—Allies or Enemies (Impulse has been very iffy on a lot of his alliances throughout the seasons, especially in third life and with the amount of playing all sides that man has done this songs feels right)

Cleo—The Glacier House (this. this is literally just her leaving Fairy Fort. The song is talking to/about her from probably Lizzie’s perspective, but like the last line is 100% as if Cleo was speaking)

Bdubs—Unraveling (Bdubs relies so heavily on his teammates, and when he doesn’t have that stability *cough* Etho *cough* he just kinda doesn’t know what to do so this song fits)

Mumbo—Keep You Safe (this man is by no means an aggressive/reckless player [see: Joel or Martyn] and he feels like he’s just here for the vibes and honestly? Love that for him. This song is about fear not keeping you safe and watching your friends run high risks, which just is very accurate to how Mumbo plays this series. I also feel like he could fit Rockslide when he goes red cause he goes from standstill to “drop dead sprint” in terms of aggression)

Lizzie—Shallow River/New Colors (Lizzie is the only one I put as two because both of these songs are just so fitting. Shallow river—“wasted all for the title, wasted all for the crown” reminds me of Lizzie trying to kill Scott and ending up dying herself instead. I also feel like parts of it could be dead Lizzie talking to Joel, the only person who is really mourning her. New Colors—“don't tell me that I can't, I need this“ and “I give up my air, to breathe” also feel very accurate with how she is trying so hard and just keeps failing )

Jimmy—Canary in a Coal Mine (no further context needed, we all know Timmy)

Scott—Little Soldiers (this is very flower husbands, but also just feels like Scott looking back on the last seasons including Pearl, Jimmy, Martyn, all his reluctant exes. Also this man is the watchers’ like least favorite person ever and this gives that vibe)

Pearl—Ribs (i changed this from New Discovery because Ribs is entirely about somewhat angrily protecting and helping yourself because nobody else would, and it really strikes me as Pearl with the some things having been good (Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss) and some being bad (divorce quartet))

BigB—Not the Ghost (this man is so incredibly odd, he just constantly feels like he is being haunted by the watchers and just going about his life, he is the human personification of gaslight and we love that for him)

Martyn—The Hand That Feeds (he HATES the watchers with every ounce of his being, and with Ren gone I think this guy’s only purpose is just to spite them)

Joel—Sleeping Giants (go listen to it. That’s all there is to it, it just feels very Joel-ish, this lad is absolutely fucking mental)

Ren—Once & for All (this song feels like war and being betrayed, and Ren has been betrayed so much so it just fits. I mean come on “my blood’s forever on your hands” tell me that isn’t 100% something Ren would say)

Gem—Show Your Fangs (Girlboss moment, we love Geminislay. This woman is not someone to be underestimated and this song very clearly says that so it’s very Gem in my head. She doesn’t have enough lore yet to make it angsty but ONE DAY)

Etho—Never Love An Anchor (I can’t explain it, this song just has Etho vibes. I mean “It’s a secret I keep tucked inside my chest” just seems very him, I can’t really tell you why)

[aletterinthenameofsanity]

now my love is gone (and I can’t help the fracturing)

Carlos Reyes x T.K. Strand. Post s04e04 Abandoned. Kidnapping angst. Title is from “Unraveling” by the Crane Wives. Crossposted on ao3.

When he died, all things soft and beautiful and bright would be buried with him.

― Madeline Miller

There's a moment when you realize that you're about to die. A moment when you realize that death is far closer, and far more inevitable, than life is.

It is a feeling that Carlos knows his fiance is intimate with. T.K. once joked- and received a glare from Carlos for- that he and that moment are best friends at his point.

But Carlos? He's never felt it before. He's never been put into a coma from addiction or being shot on the job. He's always been the one sitting by the hospital bed, praying that the line doesn't go flat, hoping beyond hope, never giving in to the grasp of pessimism. T.K. told him once, awe in his voice, that he doesn't know how to be that optimistic. That that sense of hope is something he's always loved about Carlos.

Well, hope is deserting Carlos in this moment. As Trudy heads for the door with that butcher knife in her hand, Carlos doesn't scream. He can't attract T.K.'s attention when Trudy's knife is inches from sinking into T.K.'s neck. Carlos can see it in his mind- the blood on the tile, the police rushing over. It would be a godsend for his own life, but a death certificate in T.K.'s name.

And Carlos can't bear that. He refuses to even entertain the possibility.

His struggles cease as he hears Trudy make some sort of excuse about a cat and T.K. flashes her that kind smile he always has, understanding as can be. Carlos can't begin to imagine what T.K. is thinking in this moment, how much he knows, how much he suspects, but as that door closes, Carlos stares at the camera feed, at what might be his final glimpse of T.K.'s face. He soaks in every detail- the look of concentration in those bright eyes, the messy waves on his head from running his fingers through his hair in stress, the off-angle of his jacket collar because he always forgets to straighten his civilian clothing like he does his uniform.

Then the door swings shut, sealing Carlos back into hell. The window is still there, but he is limbless, voiceless, powerless against even a little old woman and her knife, much less her serial killer son whenever he returns. Carlos is doomed to die, having had one final glimpse at the man he loves, one last chance at salvation.

Then Trudy returns, and she's talking about how handsome T.K. is as if nothing is wrong, and he can't stand it. Can't stand the fact that he's going to die here and no one might ever know how it happened, if Trudy's son manages to cover it up as well as he did the rest of his kills. Carlos' body will get dumped somewhere and the connection will never get made and T.K. will get made into a widower before they're even fucking married and Carlos isn't one to be overemotional but it's not fucking fair, they've been through too much to have it end this way-

Trudy bends down next to him, knife in hand, and pulls the tape from his face. "Is T.K. still there?" Carlos whispers, voice dry, and Trudy smiles and shakes her head.

T.K. is out of range. Nothing that Carlos does will endanger him. That blade will never make its way close to his neck. Carlos won't have to see the blood splatter across the title.

Carlos lets out a scream, vicious and burning because this is his last chance, his one shot, and-

And she sticks the morphine needle in his arms.

Carlos' world goes hazy and he can't hear Trudy properly and all he can think is he would have done anything to make it home to T.K. but here and now he and death are looking each other in the eye, and death is not the one flinching.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45068149

[lyrqxa]

they just so chill w the tune ...

idk if u okay with more personal questions buuut since we talking about music drop sum of the tracks scratching your brain rn!

ohh man i have a lot LOL origami angel and the crane wives are always scratching my brain. sometimes i just put on their entire discography and chill for the next few hours. my favorites from both respectively is “the title track” and “unraveling”

“play pretend” by jomm and readyaimfire27 is a recent favorite!!

“risk, risk, risk!” by jhariah is also very good i love that song

“pomegranate seeds” by julian moon is also an all time fav… so so good

“the cave” by siames is also an all time fav. i really love this song u should listen to thsi one i think about it SO often

[atypicalacademic]

Stitches, Neat and Clean

The Arcana

Title from "Unraveling" by The Crane Wives

(There's a bunch of context in the upcoming chapters of Starfire which necessitated fics of their own, so-)

Words: 2.6 k

Warnings: mentions of illness, grief, survivor's guilt

Relationships: Asra Alnazar x Haider Wazim

*

If the business of mending has to start somewhere, let it be in a healer's kitchen.

*

Haider shuddered awake from the same nightmare, habituated enough to the shattering horror, the rush of crushing grief by now that he needed less time than he once did to shiver at the edge of the bed with the heels of his palms pressed to his eyes until his tears slowed.

Wiping his eyes pointlessly at the sleeve of his kurta, one hand still clutching to his prayer beads, he made his slow way into the kitchen. Manju ribbitted anxiously from somewhere behind him, hopping to her perch on his shoulder. Mechanically, he drew up a pot of warm water, rummaging through his cabinet for the kind of tea that would send him back to sleep.

He had always been a creature of habit. Two measures of the leaves, and water, a pinch of powdered berry to complete the spell- these things would not startle him. The slow boil of the water, the bubbles popping at its surface, his own shadow against the wall as he lit a single lantern by his window. These things were safe. These things he had left to keep.

The knock on the door, too, did not startle him. There were enough of them now- people seeking a remedy for sleeplessness, for nightmares, for paranoia and compulsions that kicked in with more force than they had before. Used to seeing lives bleed out from beneath his hands, an echo of far older nightmares-

Umma. Coughing blood so hard that her brittle ribs snapped, brown skin bleached to a deathly pallor, golden-brown eyes swallowed by sickly red. Vaapa’s trembling arms too weak to hold her-

He was only too eager to help.

Another knock- shy, tentative.

Haider hurried to the door and swung it open.

What startled him was this. Cast by the dull glare of the lamp and nothing else in the moonless night, distant enough to be an illusion, but close enough to touch- a familiar pair of violet eyes that found his among the shadows.

No. It can’t be.

There was no reason for him to come looking for Haider- not in the dead of the night, not like he once had, what felt like so long ago, before Haider had gone and ruined, ruined what they had. Before, standing across from each other in the same room, looking into the same lovely eyes that stared back at him now- he’d said terrible things, unforgivable things, things he’d never thought before and things he never should have-

“Haidi?” Asra’s voice was so small. He was shifting from foot to foot in the way he did when he was a moment away from backtracking, leaving, no, no- when he was caught between lingering and leaving. Every shadow that the plague had cast, reflected in every crevice of his city, seemed to have gathered in the tired circles beneath Asra’s eyes. Haider’s heart burnt, wrung out as though with a phantom fist.

Even if this were a dream, he did not deserve it.

Even if this were a dream, he could not drive Asra away. Not again.

“Asra.” He breathed, stepping aside, nearly knocking over one of his plants in his haste to let him in. Asra caught it before it could sway, steadying it with a gentle hand. In the light, without the shadows blanketing him, Asra looked even smaller. There was a sallowness to the bronze of his cheeks, his shoulders curled inward as though they could barely bear the weight of his scarf. In Haider’s dreams, he had never been so tired.

But it was him, his snowy hair falling in wild curls to his forehead, incense-smoke clinging to his skin- Asra, dear, and here, and home.

“Are you okay?”

Asra sniffed, and shrugged.

Fair enough.

“Come in,” Haider said, wincing at the memory of the of course you’re leaving, of course you are he’d snapped at him. “Sit.”

Without a word, Asra propped himself on to Haider’s couch, not sprawling across it as he’d done before, but winding his arms around himself, hugging his knees. Haider let his hand hover over Asra’s shoulder, and let it fall to his side. To touch him now would be to answer his own longing. Selfish. He couldn’t help, however, letting his voice do it instead, keeping it gentle, keeping it warm, letting it hold him close. “What’s wrong?” He asked. “Can I help you?”

“I-“ Asra swallowed hard, shivering from something other than the cold. “I think I-“

Sinking down to the couch beside him, Haider waited, letting his hand drift to the space between them, there for if Asra needed to take it.

“Haidi, I think I-“ He winced, struggling with the words before letting them dissolve into the air. “It’s Balam.”

“Balam?”

Haider hadn’t heard the name in while. He hadn’t heard her voice in nearly a year- or seen her stride into the restaurant in that brisk way of hers. He’d begun, when he thought of her, to assume the worst, that she had been one of those familiar faces that had been stolen away by the plague when he hadn’t been looking. Back then, he hadn’t had the time, or the ability, to process them- his spirit numbing with the unfathomable grief as body after body after body coalesced into the same, open wound.

Now, with every passing day, a new name offered itself into this more particularized litany of losses.

Asra took a shuddering breath. “She’s- she’s sick.”

Sick?

A ghostly wave of relief, that she was still alive, though it quickly faded when he saw Asra’s shoulders begin to shake.

“What happened to her?”

Asra wrung his hands in his scarf, his breaths coming quick and ragged.

“Okay, okay.” Haider inched closer, his hand ghosting over Asra’s back. “Take your time. I’m listening.”

Shaking his head, Asra whimpered into his scarf. Fragile- as though a wind would snap him in half.

“Can I touch you?” Haider whispered. “I’ll just take your hand. But I won’t if you-“

At Asra’s desperate nod of assent, Haider wasted no time- slowly, a prolonged beat between his movements, he took Asra’s hands in his broader ones, rubbing rhythmic circles over the back of his palms.

The pain in Haider’s chest spiderwebbed through his ribs. He knew these hands as he did his own- every line and callous, every pulse of energy in Asra’s aura- he knew him so well, Asra had trusted him to let him know him, and Haider had let him go. Hurt him.

Haider fought his own tears. Not the time.

Pouring his own hurt into the strength it took to hold Asra’s hand and not to pull him closer, Haider let him speak. Even in the stillness of the night, Asra’s words were too quiet, as though he were speaking from some great distance. The bare bones of the story, too, was spoken in that softness, with nothing but the ceremony of a tender thing snapping painfully, delicately in the dark.

He knew there was more.

He knew there was more.

“So-“ Haider squeezed his hand, once. Asra squeezed back. “Noone knows what happened to her? None of the neighbors, no one?”

If he really had found Balam the way he said he did, catatonic and sick and devoid of memory- an injury like that was not impossible- though even in the midst of a plague, that was no passing accident. There was no way Asra himself, who was frighteningly determined when pushed into action, would not have scoured the earth and the realms for the answer, either.

Asra’s fingers twitched in his, and for a moment, Haider worried if he had overstepped again, pushed too far, had demanded an answer before Asra had been prepared to give him one. But a healer’s instincts were far too loud for him to ignore, to be able to let this go without knowing what was needed of him. When Asra shook his head, Haider sighed.

There was that look in his eyes again, the evasion, the way he shifted in his seat as though it took all of his strength to not run away to somewhere where he would have to relinquish no answers, surrender no secrets.

For the night, Haider chose to let him have it. A cocoon of mystery behind which no one could reach him. It was the closest thing to rest that Asra could recognize.

“If it hurts her that much to remember, even the simpler things,” he said gently, careful to not let the edge of his words rise into questioning. “Then it’s got to be a magical injury.”

Asra looked away, abruptly. Clouded amethyst eyes fixed on the curtains fluttering against their frames, he nodded. “And I couldn’t fix it.” He wrenched his hands away, looking down at them like they’d betrayed him.

What are you good for? Haider remembered demanding of himself, watching numbly as another stretcher was hauled away, another cart piled with old friends lumbered into the distance, another stack of Doctor Devorak’s frenzied scribbles tossed to the flames. What are you good for if you couldn’t save them? Any of them?

And worse, the same venom he turned towards Asra, in the end. Fine, then. Leave. You’ll have nothing left to come home to.

No wonder he’d lost him. No wonder he’d lost all of them.

“I’m sorry.” The words spilled like liquid, of its accord. Selfish. For him to drag his useless guilt into this, expecting Asra’s forgiveness, of all things, when he hadn’t even helped.

Haider fell silent, stemming the tide of his own apology, furious with himself, and rephrased it. “I meant- she’s your friend. I know how-“ He took a shuddering breath, feeling all of fifteen, stopped at gates to the sickhouse, his satchel falling to the sand with a resounding thump- his world had ended then, as he stood there, empty handed. “I know how it feels.”

“How it feels for me?” Asra’s breath caught on another, heartbroken sob. “She’s in pain. All the time. I keep trying to help, and I keep- I just keep-“

Haider caught him by the waist before he fell apart again, pulling him to his chest, hating how his heart soared at the touch, at Asra’s warmth nestled against him, even now. Even like this. He ignored it, now prepared to push it away, dipping his voice to the cadence he’d perfected standing at his mother’s side, healing.

“You’re not to blame. Do you hear me?” Safe, steady. He pulled away when Asra stopped shaking so, lifting his chin to meet his eyes. “I’m sure you did your best, with whatever you had. It wasn’t you that hurt her. This isn’t your fault.”

Asra froze, too quickly for it to have been simple disbelief. This, too, he chose to ignore.

“Thank you,” Asra’s eyes were far away again. “But I think it is.”

Haider tilted his head, questioningly, only to be met with more silence.

“How-um-“ Asra’s palm skated over his, and Haider jolted at the subtle lines of his magic, the pale lavender of Asra’s aura mingling with his own. “How have you been holding up?”

Haider forced a wry smile. “You shouldn’t concern yourself with me.”

Asra muttered something in Zadithi, and laced their fingers carelessly together. It was Haider’s turn to look away, at anything, everything, save for the truth of it; that he hadn’t slept a full night in months since it had ended. That he took to wandering the canalways at dusk, searching frantically for any sliver of crimson come to haunt him again. That he had felt so many lives slip away like sand between his fingers that he feared his own had forsaken him, as well. That sometimes, he hoped, wished, that it had.

That he ached for a relief he hadn’t earned.

“I just want to go back.” Asra murmured, violet eyes damp with fresh tears. “Make it so that none of this ever happened.”

Haider found he couldn’t speak, the words burying serrated edges in his throat. Asra ran his free hand down his back, and Haider fought the urge to pull away before his body could betray him, before he could lean into his touch, take even more from Asra, take what was never his to long for.

He opened his mouth again, to tell Asra that he knew, he understood, tell him empty, useless things, measured, practiced words of comfort that meant too little, too late.

What he said instead, again, was, “I’m sorry.”

Asra said nothing, only shifted his head against Haider’s chest. “It’s alright.”

It wasn’t. None of this was alright, the least of all, he realized, with a shock of shame, that he hadn’t even begun to make amends.

“Asra..” He ignored a faint, dismissive mumble at his chest. “Before we..you know.”

Left. Fell apart. Said things to each other we couldn’t take back. Not now, not ever.

“I shouldn’t have said it. Any of it.” He willed his tears to remained where they belonged. He was the last thing Asra needed to have to shoulder. “It was cruel, and wrong, and- “

“Not wrong.” Asra cut him off, pulling away. “I shouldn’t have left.”

The vicious ache in Haider’s chest turned into a terrible, howling emptiness. “No.”

“No?” Asra’s lips curved into the ghost of a smile.

“No, I was wrong. I was angry, and scared-“ And he had wanted Asra to stay. He had wanted to be chosen. Over the town, over the world, no matter how many claims of honor and selflessness he had wrapped it in, he could no longer deny the greedy, wounded creature he became when he was forced to face his own grief. “And I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I should’ve respected your choices, as you would’ve done mine.”

“Oh, yes.” Bafflingly, Asra scoffed, easing the gesture’s callousness by leaning against him again. “Because I was a paragon of good behaviour, then.”

The bitterness felt falsely light in Asra’s voice, rife with the stirring of old ghosts.

“I was still wrong.” Haider argued, lamely.

“I’m sorry, too.” Asra scrubbed a tear-tracked cheek against his sleeve. "I wouldn't-.” His voice thickened, his arms circling Haider’s waist, his head nestled against his broad shoulder. “I wouldn’t have known how to live with myself if something happened to you.”

Haider muffled an anguished sob against Asra’s pale hair, letting his fingers bunch the fabric of his tunic until he felt his nails dig into his own palms. Not the time. Not the time.

“I forgive you, you know.” Asra said, as he parted.

“You don’t have to.”

Again, that small, fading smile. He’d missed Asra’s smile. He’d missed his laugh. The way his name sounded like music in his voice. “But I do.”

Haider didn’t believe it. He wouldn’t, until he’d proven to himself that he could be trusted again.

“I’ll do everything in my power for Balam.” Haider promised. “You don’t have to be alone in this.”

I won’t let you down again. I can’t.

Asra blinked, rapidly. “Oh. Thank you.”

“I’m a healer.”

I’ve never stopped loving you. Not for a moment. I’ve never felt more alone than when the door slammed shut behind you, never slept a night without telling the emptiness where you were that I never meant any of it.

For a moment, it looked as though Asra would protest it, but he only nodded. The candlelight haloed his fluffy curls, an unnameable softness in his brittle gaze. “That you are.”

[paradife-loft]

Fandom: The Untamed/CQL & MDZS Characters: Lan Xichen, Jin Guangyao, Nie Mingjue Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence; POV Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén; Second Person; Empathy (Módào Zǔshī); Grief/Mourning; Difficult Conversations; JGY lives AU; everyone is a dysfunctional mess doing dysfunctional mess things; Nie Mingjue is ‘Sir Sort-Of-Appearing-In-This-Fic’

Summary:

“You’ve looked away enough, haven’t you?” the scornful voice in your throat chastises; and you don’t disagree

Lan Xichen goes to Golden Scale Tower to lay the recovered body of his sworn brother to rest, and it all unravels from there.

Notes:

So if anyone remembers me screaming about the agony of trying to pull together a fic that incorporated a whole bunch of material related to the “Empathy is unreliable” and general 3zun dysfunction analysis threads that have been circling around here lately? Well, here’s the fic!

This is also, more to the point, my entry for the “Eat Rocks, Troll!” Xiyao exchange for @kat8porgs​, inspired in a rather roundabout fashion by our... favourite... xiyao troll’s charming comment on their fic “Night Blooming Flowers”!

Many many thanks to @veliseraptor​ and @ameliarating​ for brainstorming help and draft read-throughs <3

Fic titles will continue to be references to The Crane Wives songs until my capacity to listen to more than one band at a time for about a year comes back from the war :’D

[humble-wayside-flower]

Right Side Wrong (X)

Songs for Marin and Matthias Magwood // City With No Sky Pt. 2  (Marin on the left, Matthias on the right)

*~*~*

I’ll Be Your Mirror - Lowland Hum (A song for parallel universes and for someone who is so different but also very much the same)

When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you’re twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands ‘Cause I see you

Secret for the Mad - Dodie (Sort of my song for Marin <3 You have to go through the hard stuff to get to the better stuff, but someday this will all make sense) 

I’ve got a secret for the mad In a little bit of time it won’t hurt so bad And I get that I don’t get it But you will burn right now, but then you won’t regret it

Close to Home - Vienna Teng (Home, Home, Home. It’s important to them both, but especially so to Marin. Learning to let go of the physical home, but also maybe the ideological home, and trying to build a new one, while stumbling upon the way.)

Lay your head where they hold Hide the demarcations of your soul And play your silent scream role Harmonize your own worth to what you show Normalized and nowhere close to home

O Magnum Mysterium - Morten Lauridsen (”The singing is slightly discordant, not quite right, unsettling to listen to. Through the making of music that sounds as pained as they feel inside do the priestexes of the Silent One grieve their dead… The dissonance resolves into a more traditional chord; the voices finish in something still sad, but more at peace.” --This is the song I’ve imagined in this spot from the moment that session ended. While it isn’t really a mournful song, there was never going to be another one that fit this part better in my head.)

Latin Choral Piece

Can’t Go Back - The Crane Wives (The ever present mantra, it’s not fair. It’s not fair because this was my home too, and my friend too, and no you don’t get to kick me out of my own home, I won’t leave. Except you do, and you do.) 

Cause you can’t go back, darling The time has come for moving on You can’t be always trying to dig up What you’ve already buried You’ve got to carry carry carry on

Prelude - Tessa Violet (A song for Nora. For two people with walls they haven’t fully broken down. A song for wanting to know more about who a person is behind the things a person does. A song for offering friendship, and a song for hesitance that is hard to get past.) 

I’m insecure Of that I’m sure Don’t need a counselor or seminar to see And even when it’s only you and me There seems to be Somethin’ that you keep behind your teeth

The Loneliness Waltz - The Ballroom Thieves (A song for Raye. For two people in the same boat, even when the oceans are different. A song for wanting other people to want you so badly that you never quite learn to stop giving yourself to people who are not paying attention. A song for picking yourself up again and again anyways.)

We are frivolous with our hearts Watch them bend till they break Then we pick up the parts Yeah, we give, we take We save and condemn And we live just to love again

We’re Not Different - Lo-Fang (A song for Yani Shae. For the weird sensation of looking at a person, and feeling like you’re looking at a distorted mirror. The same but different. Different but the same. I have a lot of thoughts about Yani and Marin and the act of having faith in a deity that is all about random chance, but that’s a whole other post.) 

You look at me but don’t see what I see I’m different But we’re not different Take this plant To feel how I feel Now we’re different But we’re not different Not so different

Leviathan - Dirt Poor Robins (World Eater Vibes- Adara Style. Tbh, the song I wanted to put here wasn’t on spotify, so this was the next best choice. A song for an entity that is threatening all of reality, but no one has ever seen it, and also you only really know it exists because your parallel universe selves told you it did. A song for world destruction as a ticking time bomb with a broken read out.) 

Here I lie in the dark and deep For a thousand years I’ve been asleep Far removed from the walls that rage Undisturbed by the earthquakes And I wait, I wait

Saint Bernard - Lincoln (A song about faith, and about losing it, and finding it, and losing it, and keeping it, and knowing that you’ll never really be able to extract it from yourself without cutting out a vital part of yourself. Marin is struggling with the loss of her home, but even more so with this loss of purpose. She’s just pushing forward and hoping for something to grab onto again.) 

I said “Make me love myself, so that I might love you” Don’t make me a liar, ‘cause I swear to God When I said it, I thought it was true 

In Darkness - Lowland Hum (A song for parallel universes, for someone who is very much the same, but also so different)

Forest of my mind Calm and slow and know comfort of the darkness Knowing you I am more myself but not a self I know; One from somewhere else

Guiltless - Dodie (I have a lot of thoughts about Mattie and their family, and the worries that come with growing up in an environment that is not affirming of who you are and that upholds the status quo to a fault. How do you figure out what parts of you are really you, and what parts are the ones you need to let go or outgrow?)

Oh but I’m not bitter, I’m just tired No use getting angry at the way that you’re wired And I could never let you know (Ooh, you’d never get it) And now I’m the one who can’t let go (Ooh don’t say it’s genetic)

The Hymn of Acxiom - Vienna Teng (A song for being cursed, and the ever present inkling that you are not quite alone in your own head. A song for being cursed, and abruptly understanding in the most gut wrenching way that you are absolutely not alone in your own head, not one bit.) 

Somebody hears you. You know that. You know that. Somebody hears you. You know that inside. Someone is learning the colors of all your moods, to (Say the right thing and) show that you’re understood

Nox Aurumque - Eric Whitacre (I cheated a little bit on this one and used a different composer, albeit still a Latin choral piece. I liked that this piece had an eeriness to it that contrasted with the lighter nature of O Magnum Mysterium. Also the title translates to Night and Gold, which seemed fitting.) 

Latin Choral Piece

Curses - The Crane Wives (The world eater is the one that burns, but their walls are still unstable. Will their friends still be here when the walls burn down? They hope so.) 

Every word I say is kindling But the smoke clears when you’re around Won’t you stay with me, my darling When my walls start burning down, down, down? 

Honest - Tessa Violet (A song for Sheridan. A song for two people who just want to be wanted, who have problems with self sacrifice, and who are learning that you need to lean on other people. It’s okay, their shoulder is here.) 

Here’s the truth My strength ain’t bein’ honest I mostly work from wanting to be wanted And if there’s somethin’ else, well I don’t know if I got it, got it And come the night, I’m never really solid

Trouble - The Ballroom Thieves (A song for Raleigh. For two people who can’t stop getting into trouble with each other. In many ways the two are complete opposites, but in another life they might not have been so different. For the boy who welcomes trouble with the smile of an old friend.) 

I’m terrified of my heart Its hunger for whatever it may want The way it stops and starts Yeah it may saunter into war Trouble doesn’t keep a civil score

Silver Peak - Lo-Fang (A song for Lukas. It took me ages to decide on one for him, and I’m still not totally happy with this choice. I feel like it captures the danger that his helping our party has put him in though, and the frenetic energy of everything that went down during the cult ceremony. I am so sorry that you got sucked into this world eater and blood hunter stuff. You’re a cool dude, and thank you again for the fork.) 

Instrumental

But Never a Key - Dirt Poor Robins (World Eater Vibes- Aillgate Style. It’s all about the fire imagery baby. And the imagery of someone slowly coming undone at the seams. A song for the slow ascent of a burning god that could unravel all of reality. A song for not being sure how to stop this yet. A song for being afraid of losing control of your body and mind again. Also that good good warlock shit.) 

You’re wound up too tightly  So frayed and unsightly  Pulling on your own strings You’re unraveling How can a cure now be found? With no outside threat Just a fire in your chest And you’re melting All over everything 

How I Survived Bobby Mackey’s Personal Hell - Lincoln (This song isn’t quite perfect, but the frenetic energy of it feels really right, especially in the aftermath of the cult ceremony. Mattie is looking for answers, but they’re also just looking for distraction. And control. Some control over these magic powers they suddenly have access too would be great too. A song for anxious waiting.)  

Nothing says I miss you quite like “I’m running out of time” Nothing says I hate you now like Getting sweat stains on a knife I am killing time with a razor blade

[bogglebabbles]

Thank you for the tag, @wheel-of-fics, these are so fun! <3

Rules: Only using song titles from one artist/band, cleverly answer the questions and tag 10 people (or as many as you feel like)

My artist of choice: The Crane Wives

What’s your gender? Hard Sell

How are you feeling? Curses

If you could go anywhere: The Garden

Your best friend(s): Know How

Favorite time of the day: Turn Out The Lights

If your life was a TV show: Unraveling

Relationship status: Empty Page

Again out of the loop as far as who’s been tagged, but these are fun so please do it and say I tagged you!!

[kays-kg-works]

Hmmmmmmm I’m gonna go ahead and try dropping a link to this (at the time I’m making this post) 60-song playlist I’ve made for My Love, My Life (the official title I’m going with for the kakagai series). It’s pretty much all kakagai songs with a few thrown in there that are for only Gai or only Kakashi. It’ll grow with time since I need enough to use as chapter titles for the series, but it’s already pretty long so...

 Here y’all go!

Edit: I’m gonna uuuh try putting a track-list under a read-more so people can see it without having to view the playlist page

My Love, My Life Tracklist

Series Title

My Love, My Life - Amanda Seyfried, Lily James, and Meryl Streep

Part One - All I Want

I Hate You But I Love You - Russian Red

Whatever It Takes - Imagine Dragons

We’re Going to be Friends - Jack Johnson

Eat, Sleep, Wake (Nothing But You) - Bombay Bicycle Club

Born Bold - Valley of Wolves

Song of Storms (Piano) - LilyPichu

Dance Around - Beltane

Lay My Body Down - Rag’n’Bone Man

Panic Room - Au/Ra

My Friends - Oh Wonder

Icarus - The Crane Wives

Better For Me - Fake Laugh

Wake Up - Arcade Fire

Not the Ghost - The Crane Wives

Move Forward - Bedroom

Birds - Imagine Dragons

In Case You Don’t Live Forever - Ben Platt

The Wisp Sings - Winter Aid

The Other Side of Paradise - Glass Animals

In My Veins - Andrew Belle

Heart - Sleeping At Last

All I Want - Kodaline

Part Two - Unravel

Always Gold - Radical Face

Drown - Seafret

Silent Invitation - URBVN

Sick of Losing Soulmates - Dodie

Of the Night - Bastille

Landslide - Oh Wonder

Waves (Acoustic) - Dean Lewis

Three - Sleeping At Last

This is Home - Cavetown

Fire Fire - Steam Powered Giraffe

Black Pear Tree - The Mountain Goats and Kaki King

The Next Right Thing - Kristen Bell

Human - Christina Perri

It’s OK, I Wouldn’t Remember Me Either - Crywank

Lung - Vancouver Sleep Clinic

Two - Sleeping at Last

Love Like You - Rebecca Sugar

Fear of the Water - SYML

Far From Home (The Raven) - Sam Tinnesz

I Lost A Friend - Finneas

Unravel (Acoustic) - TK from Ling Tosite Sigure

Part Three - Hello My Old Heart

Ayahuasca - Vancouver Sleep Clinic

I’ll Be Good - Jaymes Young

Man or A Monster - Sam Tinnesz ft. Zayde Wolf

Hello My Old Heart - The Oh Hellos

Some Nights - Fun

Hurts Like Hell - Fleurie

The Enemy - Andrew Belle

I Have Made Mistakes - The Oh Hellos

Save Yourself - Kaleo

Fallen - Gert Taberner

I Love You - Billie Eilish

Break My Heart Again - Finneas

Rewrite the Stars - Zendaya and Zac Efron

Wake - The Antlers

Are You With Me - Nilu

Lovely - Billie Eilish and Khalid

When the Party’s Over - Billie Eilish

Paralyzed - NF

Dancing With Your Ghost - Sasha Sloan

Fix You - Coldplay

All We Do - Oh Wonder

Human - Dodie

Part Four - Can’t Help Falling In Love With You OR Feel Something

Fools - Lauren Aquilina

Where’s My Love - SYML

I Hold You - CLANN

Watch Your Back - Sam Tinnesz

Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol

Unworthy - Vancouver Sleep Clinic

Killing Me to Love You - Vancouver Sleep Clinic

I Want More - Kaleo

Don’t Deserve You - Plumb

Feel Something - Jaymes Young

Bitter Water - The Oh Hellos

I Knew I Loved You - Savage Garden

Ultralife - Oh Wonder

Bare - Wildes

Putting the Dog to Sleep - The Antlers

The River - AURORA

Devil Town V2 - Cavetown

Can’t Help Falling in Love With You - Haley Reinhart

Eight - Sleeping At Last

Only Us - Ben Platt and Laura Dreyfuss

Runaway - AURORA

Part Five - Nine

Welcome Home - Radical Face

Carry You - Novo Amor

Nine - Sleeping At Last

Can’t Go Back - The Crane Wives

Sit Down Beside Me - Patrick Watson

Let It All Go - Birdy and Rhodes

When We Were Young - Hollow Coves

In The Wind - Lord Huron

Soft Universe - AURORA

Crash - Eden

5 AM - Amber Run

Broken Crown - Mumford and Sons

Once Again - CLANN

Arctic - Sleeping At Last

Keep You Safe - The Crane Wives

Stay Alive - Jose Gonzalez

Honeybee - Steam Powered Giraffe OR This Will End - The Oh Hellos

Breathe - Cutts

From Now On - Hugh Jackman

All This And Heaven Too - Florence and the Machine

Honeybee - The Head and the Heart

Epilogue (Might end up just being Talk to Me but could become a multi-chapter thing depending on how I feel when I get around to it, so here are the prospective ones that may or may not end up as part of it beyond that)

Talk to Me - Cavetown

A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

Is That Alright - Lady Gaga

[morska-trava]

Thanks for tagging me @mia-ami💕💗💘

Rules: Using only song titles from one artist/band, cleverly answer the questions and tag 10 people.

Artist? The Crane Wives (surprise surprise)

What’s your gender? Nothing At All

How are you feeling?  Unraveling

If you could go anywhere? The Garden

Your best friend: Daydreamer

If your life was a tv show: Hole in the Silver Lining

Relationship status: Empty page

Tagging @agape-amo-eros @slightly-awkward-dragon @albert-is-my-skull @psychodemon111 @minoan-ophidian @sweterki @emo-goblin @roller-rink-haruno @nheirei @wayward--dragon

[morimess]

Hey, I'm bored and just wanna put out some art. This is stuff I did last semester for my art class in the order I made it.

First one was a "self-portrait without the self." It was meant to be in a personalized style, and I thought that my people sucked (they did) but had a cool idea with a pun and other symbols.  So I tried to draw my face in a cartoonish style. Mixed media- watercolor, acrylic paint, and colored pencils. Title- "Turn out the Lights"

The next one was an atmospheric perspective practice. I took several refrences of the grand canyon and combined them. Done in oil pastel. Title- "Walking All Day"

Another oil pastel, atmospheric perspective piece. This one was done on colored paper (I, like an idiot, decided to grab the literal darkest shade of blue the teacher had available. It was a nightmare to get the orange to show up right) and the focus was on The Devil's Tower. This thing is poster sized, the only thing big and flat enough for me to color it on was a Bob Ross meme poster I have framed. Title- "Sleeping Giants".

This time the teacher wanted to combine atmospheric and one-point perspective. Not much to say on this, other than it was done in Crayola colored pencil. Title- "Steady, Steady"

I somehow managed to allow my art teacher to let me use an OC for an assignment. The point of the assignment was to take an already existing artwork (not made by us), then enlarge it (taking note of atmospheric and one-point perspective as we went along). I saw the piece I wanted and my brain just went "but what if we put Alehandro in there", so I did. This scene may or may not occur in The Moss when I get that started. Done in Crayola pencils. Title- "Little Lion Man"

After that there was an illusion piece. I don't think I did it right, but I still got high marks, so... From the teapot spills spaghetti, which falls on a plate. The meatballs roll away, and into a basket. From the basket, they go into a cannon, bounce off of a trampoline, then end up back in the teapot. Done in my crappy Crayola's. Title- "Unraveling"

The last one was another self-portrait, but this time- using what we learned- make it realistic (I have several portraits in my sketchbook from the classes, just none I want to share on this post- I wasn't going in blind). Again, there is symbolism EVERYWHERE in this. If you want an in-depth analysis, this is not the place, but I will provide later if anyone asks. I will preface that: yes- I do work in healthcare, grew up religious, and am a fan of Greek mythology.  No- my hair is not that red, and I hate looking at pictures of myself so using “selfies” as reference was the worst. Done in oil pastel. Title- "Hard Sell"

Oh yeah, and all the titles are songs. Because I can make stuff like this, but cannot come up with titles that sound better than existing songs.  And, yes, a lot of these songs are by The Crane Wives.  It was a lot of what I did my school work to, and they tell stories with angry emotion in most of them.  For whatever reason, anger is the one emotion I find hardest to achieve or express, so for a lot of their songs it’s just “you ever wanna go apeshit.”