#(which is why the Kaidan thing didn't work out like she felt like she was crumbling inside and he was talking about steak)

[rawliverandcigarettes]

Reading about a cool post about romancing a more diverse set of aliens in the next Mass Effect (yes please), I'm realizing I'd really want more focus on different ways to get close to NPCs that don't necesserily involve smooches or sex scenes. I know that would explode the budget, but... I don't know, I see room for a relationship system that does not 100% rely on the "is romanced" boolean, where cutscenes/missions activate or do not activate depending on the specifics of the relationship you're developing with a given character (with a tag system for example).

That way, there is a conversation where you pour your heart out with a given character that is available whether or not you romance them, but that you *could* miss out on if you decide to romance them but put the focus on the more competitive aspect of your relationship instead of the vulnerability. A sort of web of possible situations that would tailor more closely to who you are as a PC and how you want to engage with the world without betraying the NPC.

That would imply uhhhh budget, and a very strong relationship design system (let me design it bioware wait actually don't I could not handle working on mass effect emotionally I think). But. Would be cool, and would allow me to RP aroace characters without feeling completely alone and adrift in the uncaring void of space. :3

[swaps55]

So, a little peek behind the curtain for anyone who might be wondering why the hell it's taking me so long to update Fugue.

I've got roughly 18,000 words drafted of what was supposed to be one chapter that is now two. Getting those words out has been an adventure.

I agonized for about a week on whether I had the right person in the right scene for a character moment, decided I didn't, then rewrote the scene with a different character. Which required giving a LOT of thought to How Does This Character Grieve.

And then I decided the scene was in the wrong place so I moved it. And now have to rewrite it again for reasons that I will elaborate on in #9 & #10

I spent a month trying to block out the right sequence of events for an action scene. I finally did it. And I hated it. It felt wrong, Kaidan was out of character, the tension wasn't high enough, and it missed the overall mark by a mile.

Had probably three rubber duck brainstorm sessions with Real Life Romance Option (RLRO) to solve this problem. Revised the scene. Better, but still didn't believe in it. Said fuck it and just moved on. Maybe the answer will become apparent as I move through the rest.

Revised the scene from #1 again now that I had written the scene mentioned in #3, because #1 theoretically resolves some of the tension in #3. But the tension is still fucked up so this scene still isn't right.

Started blocking out the next round of combat, realized that it was boring from Kaidan's POV (not his fault - the interesting action was just happening where he wasn't), and then decided I need to change it up. Wrestled with that for a few days, because writing from the POV of OCs is always a little bit of a risk and I don't do it lightly. Decided it was important and valuable enough to do it.

Problem is, I have not written this character's POV since Sam died, so I took several days to sit with THAT and figure out what the world looks like through her eyes after his death and how that would help me tell the story I needed to tell. Problem: I still didn't REALLY understand what story I was trying to tell. I knew what the basic sequence of events were, but the character growth hadn't clicked yet.

Wrote the POV, and now, some 13-14k into this part of the story, FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT ALL OF THIS IS TRYING TO BE ABOUT. Thank god, now at least I know what I'm trying to accomplish other than Plot.

Realize that I now need to rewrite scene #1 from a totally different POV to create the parallels I'm looking for to move Kaidan along on his grief arc.

This presents a problem, because it puts me in Kara's POV while she is solving an engineering problem, and Kara is much smarter than I am. This meant another brainstorm session with RLRO, who handed me the PERFECT solution to the problem that fixed my character problems, fixed my tension problem, would make it possible for her to be smart without me being smart, etc., BUT, it meant throwing out every single word I'd spent an entire month writing.

Because of this entirely new development, which utterly changes the dynamic I am working with, I have to rewrite #1 AGAIN (which I still have not gotten to because I just finished #10).

I also still have to do first round revisions on the rest of the damn thing, because the back end of these two chapters is really raw and needs some love.

SO THIS IS WHY IT IS TAKING SO LONG. Every time I crown a chapter of Fugue as the most complicated writing I have ever put together, another chapter says, "hold my beer."

Once these are sorted out, I have two more chapters to write plus an epilogue. I think I know what I'm doing for all of it, but because each of these chapters interlink in important ways, what I think I am going to do is just write them before I post anything new. That way, everything will line up right, and once I am ready to post again, I can do it consistently.

I am really hoping I can make some progress over my holiday break (hopefully, but no promises, because I am traveling for part of it).

I am committed to getting this story done, and regret how long it's taking, but trust me, you did not want to read what I had before I figured this out.

Boy this one has been HARD. But I'm almost there. Almost. I'm really happy with the rewrites I just finished. One more big scene to rewrite. Then it's just revisions. I can handle that.

[antivanruffles]

Who: Corinne Shepard/Kaidan Alenko

Rating: T

Tags: pre-relationship, ME1, feelings realization, canon divergence,

Summary: Three times Kaidan helped Shepard realize that being different wasn't always a bad thing.

A/N: Some Shenko fluff for the Year of the OTP event. Ailin belongs to @cursedwithgloriouspurpose. Both Ailin and Corinne are part of our Family Matters AU, you can read more of that HERE you like.

____________________________

The first time she realized Kaidan was different, it was because she felt heard.  

Corinne, as her sister, Ailin, would always happily point out, was a nerd. She had never been the most socially adept person, it just wasn't her strength. She had grown into her rank and title to (hopefully) become an effective leader, but that didn't mean it got any easier to deal with people. It just meant she could play the role and follow regulations. She still felt like an awkward teenager sometimes, jealous of her sister's natural social graces.  But not every situation followed the regs and people rarely went by protocol; they were generally unpredictable, and full of surprises. Which was why Corinne had always preferred tech and machines and math, that was straightforward, never messy or confusing. Corinne always knew what she could expect. 

That was why she had become an engineer. It just made sense. Even if she couldn't be totally sure she was a good commander, a good leader, she could say she was a damn good engineer. In that regard she had blossomed in the Alliance, with all the newest toys at her disposal. She no longer had to scrounge and save, buying used parts to piecemeal something together. Something that was always an approximation and never at its best. That was why she was so utterly infatuated with the Normandy. Everything about it was a marvel, top of the line, and cutting edge. Nothing piecemeal about it. She would spend hours going over the ship from tip to tail if she could. The newest toy she could imagine. It gave her something to obsess over and something to talk about. Much to Ailin's chagrin. 

Corinne often could be found poking around various parts of the ship, tinkering and learning all she could about it. So it was that Kaidan stumbled over her one day, and simply asked her what she was doing; clearly amused at finding the commander lodged half way under a console like a grease monkey under the hood of a transport ship. 

She didn't think about her reply, just answered his question as she shimmied out to fully look at him. Her answer wasn't diluted, just an honest response with more technobabble than she might use with her sister. Not to discredit her sister, because Corinne knew Ailin was capable and smart, but she didn't really care about how tech or machinery worked, just so long as it did. Because of that Corinne was used to a certain level of detachment when she babbled about the more intricate workings of something. Not that Ailin wouldn't listen, just that after a certain point her eyes would start to glaze over even as she nodded encouragingly. 

Kaidan, however, listened intently, asking questions as she spouted off more and more facts and anecdotes about the marvel of the SR-1. Eventually Corinne came to herself and realized she had gone off on a tangent even Adams would find tedious. She rose slowly from where she had been crouched on the ground and awkwardly rubbed her hands on her thighs, uncaring of the streaks of grease and crime she left behind.

She didn't expect malice, only a certain brand of boredom that she had grown accustomed to over the years when she got too carried away. Corinne could feel the embarrassment settling in, worried she had taken up too much of Shenko's time, and it was only because he was too polite to interrupt his commanding officer that he hadn't stopped her to tell her she was rambling. 

"Sorry," she said to the floor. "I didn't mean to take up so much of your time, Lieutenant." 

She looked up at his huffed laugh and found nothing but genuine interest in his eyes. Corinne wasn't used to that. People could be kind, she knew, but it was rare she found someone who managed to keep up with her. It seemed like Alenko had. 

[jamesholden]

1, 5 and 21 from the fifty (last) list pls!

Thank you! If you don't mind, I'll answer for Sionainn AND Ronan! my boy's gotta get fleshed out too! If his answers seem less specific it's BECAUSE i am still working on him so he's not very specific.

When was the last time Shepard cried?

Sionainn: Boy, it's hard to say the last time she DIDN'T. Sionainn has a nasty tendency to feel emotions so hard and so fast that tears come before she can catch them. She can calm down quickly if given a moment, but if she feels an emotion strong enough she's more likely to cry than not. It's something she's ashamed of, and tries to hide. People already doubt her enough based on her appearance, she doesn't need them to know she cries if pushed too hard. But the kindness of her crew often offsets the fear and shame, and she ends up with more "awww"s and hugs than most people get in a month when someone makes her so happy she can't help but cry.

So her last REAL cries, ones that were meant to be, were during the war. Seeing Kaidan in the hospital, losing Mordin and Thane, after Thessia, Sanctuary, Cronos. And especially after their party to end all parties.

Ronan: He's a tougher one. He doesn't cry at any opportunity. But when he does it comes hard. He doesn't try and hide it when he does, but he still tries to wait until he's alone so he doesn't trouble anyone. Doesn't shatter the Commander Shepard illusion. Everyone has so much to worry about, they shouldn't have to worry about him, too.

Thessia and Sanctuary hit him hard for two different reasons. After Sanctuary, he felt like he failed humanity. That he didn't do enough that he didn't stop Cerberus to keep The Illusive Man from tricking all those people. The only bright spot was saving Oriana and Miranda. As soon as he could get to his cabin he was a wreck. And after Thessia, he was so guilty and angry that after nearly punching a hole in his fishtank, he cried until he was calm enough to head back down and get to work.

5. What skills come naturally to them?

Sionainn: She's a quick study, and a fast problem solver. Give her an hour alone with a project or a problem and she'll come out with several versions or solutions. She has to be, as an engineer and field medic with aspirations to be a doctor. Hesitancy is the difference between life and death and she has to think on her feet. That translates into her hacking and decryption. She can also make everyone's coffee exactly how they like it and no one is sure how she remembers it all.

Ronan: Ronan is great with people, and knows it. He's charming and can win over almost anyone which REALLY annoys his enemies. He's fashionable, which surprises everyone around him but does delight his crew when any of them need help picking out things to wear on shore leave. He's an excellent shot, and a confident strategist. Honestly he's very good at playing confident. He's good at wearing a mask and has been since Akuze. Anderson would say he's been good at it since Mindoir.

21. Why did Nihlus choose to nominate Shepard as a Spectre candidate?

Sionainn: Sionainn often asked herself this question. She was so far from a normal Spectre candidate, and didn't feel like she belonged. But Nihlus saw what she didn't. That her drive, her determination, her strong desire to help others, her ability to surprise her enemies because she wasn't what was expected. Word of her quick thinking also made it's way around. She could and would get the job done. She would fight for galactic stability. And she would look out for all the races in Council space, not just humanity.

Ronan: Ronan made an excellent spy. He was cool and calm in an alarming amount of situations, on top of being charming as hell. Nihlus thought he'd do well at more clandestine missions. He could be as calculated as he could be impulsive. His biotic ability was strong and discipined. But Ronan had more to him than that. He had survived despite insurmountable odds on Akuze. He's a soldier, a warrior. And humanity needs strength if it wants to be respected. It needs a Spectre that reflects that strength and resolve. A survivor is perfect for that role. Humanity loves a comeback.

ask me about my shep sheps

[clericofshadows]

dialogue tag game

tagged by the lovely @rotschopf-thedrow

rules: pick up to 10 characters and share one of your favorite lines of dialogue you have ever written for them!

this is cruel I have so much dialogue how can I choose favorites? this is definitely one of those things where I will give completely different answers if I'm asked about this again :)

choosing just one bit of dialogue for Regis Shepard is so hard, but a snarky one I've liked is from feeling numb, lost in time. Some of my favorite moments with Regis are when he's fucking with people.

“What story?” Regis asked with a smirk, realizing he could fuck with him. Regis and Joker have never had anything more than a barely civil relationship, but there were times they could mess around with each other without too much hostility on the other’s part. Regis figured this could be one of those times. “The one where Kaidan and I met Zaeed while on leave and learned a hell of a lot more about where our tastes lie?”

2. Vikram T'Lara, Regis's asari matriach uncle, from feeling numb, lost in time, in which Vik inevitably gets in contact with Regis while he's with Cerberus.

Vik rolled their eyes.  “Goddess, Reggie, you knew what I meant.  You know, seeing you grow up has been some of the best memories of my long life.  I’m very grateful to have been part of your family.”

3. Jeff "Joker" Moreau, in don't ask about Ryuusei, in which they try to figure out the deal behind their "emails."

“Wait a minute, you messaged me.  For a second, I thought it was a prank.  I mean, hello–” he gestured around.  “I know you.  This is your personal hell, but maybe you decided to let that all go to celebrate your favorite pilot.”

4. Kaidan Alenko from you got me in a chokehold, a flashback to after Alchera.

"Couldn't have controlled? No, you just couldn't stand being wrong about anything involving the Normandy! But it doesn't matter anymore, now does it? You might've saved the ship a few precious seconds, but Regis didn't get any!" Ashley stepped between them, interrupting whatever Joker was going to say next. "This is not the time to be fighting! God, it's a terrible day when I'm the fucking mediator. Joker, you knew what the orders were. Both of you, walk away before things get more ruined than they already are." "You aren't going to call out Alenko for prioritizing his boyfriend over the rest of the crew?" Kaidan felt his biotic corona roar to life. "Go fuck yourself Joker and remember that Regis died for you! He was never going to leave anyone behind! And he chose you."

5. Admiral Steven Hackett, from so let love reign.

"Did [Zaeed] tell you to ask me about the Frozen Pyjak?" [Hackett] chuckled.

6. Zaeed Massani, from a WIP fic of the aftermath of his loyalty mission. I hate that this is one of my favorites, but it hit exactly the way I wanted it to.

Zaeed spun around, pointing a finger in Regis's direction, his face twisted with anger. "What the fuck was that, Regis?" "I could ask you the same damn thing. We wouldn't even be in this fucking situation if you weren't so consumed by revenge and just slowed down and listened," Regis replied, his tone flat, carefully keeping his expression neutral. "That's fucking rich." Zaeed laughed, laced with bitterness and anger. "The whole reason why you're even playing nice with Cerberus is so you can tear them apart. You're biding your time to get back at T'Soni as we speak. But the moment I get the chance to get what I have spent years working towards, you throw it all away for a few extra lives. How about that, Butcher?"

7. Ashley Williams, from late night conversations. In which she and Regis chat about things.

“And now you’re here, abusing your Spectre benefits so you two can share a bed together,” she echoed, nudging his arm.  “I would offer to go ring shopping with you, but something tells me you already have that figured out.”

8. Nyx Shepard, from the story of a weapon. I'm still trying to figure this bastard out, but he's already had his moments.

Nyx's intense purple eyes watched Kaidan closely as he examined the dagger.  "You've been in my goddamn bed," Nyx finally stated, a small grin playing on his lips. "So, you've seen a lot of me. But not many have been close enough to see this blade on neutral ground.” Kaidan felt a flush of warmth creeping up his cheeks, but he didn't shy away from Nyx's probing gaze. "Well, I'd say it's quite an honor," he replied, his tone playful, though tinged with a sense of curiosity. "Your bed and now this?  What’s next…” “You tell me,” He chuckled.  “Every weapon has a story.  What is mine?  You get one question, the rest you try to figure out on your own.”

I think that's about it... I could try to do a few more but I like what I have here.

tagging anyone who sees this and wants to participate! tag me if you do :)

[meijhana]

"Right, stupid question for me to ask."

Dex Sharpe, student of Psychology at Lehsa University

She/Her

MC for Golden by @milaswriting

Humble || Snobbish

Sincere || Sarcastic

Shy || Confident

Friendly || Hostile

Compliant || Stubborn

Heart || Head

Accepting || Resentful

Rule Breaker || Rule Follower

Love Interest: Kaidan or Athalia (let's be real, how am I expected to choose)

Relationship with Jordan: Friends to Lovers to Friends again

Relationship with Melissa: Poor

Relationship with Jared: Poor

Hobbies: Music and/or Boxing

Snarky and rebellious, Dex has never been the "picture perfect" kid that would have fit in with her father's photo ops. From an early age she felt like her parents' careers were more important than their relationship with her. She struck out on her own during her teenage years, which resulted in her getting into quite a bit of trouble that Jordan had to drag her out of.

Now that she's back in Lehsa, Dex is in no hurry to work on her relationship with her parents. She feels that if they didn't try when she was younger and more vulnerable, why should she be the one to try now? And the fact that her mother is obligating her to befriend these strangers (some of whom are not friendly at all) has only served to solidify her resentment for the time being.

The birthmark on her arm used to make her feel special when she was very young. After all, how many kids were born with a golden birthmark in such a distinct pattern? But now she doesn't like the attention it brings to her. She will wear long sleeves and jackets all year round, even in the heat of summer, to try to hide it. It's pretty rare that she'll take her jacket off, but from time to time she does forget about the birthmark and will reveal it.

As much as she hates the fact that she's been cornered into chaperoning new students around the university, she is a bit intrigued by them. Blaze and Phoebe seem kind enough, and although Kaidan and Athalia seem to want to irritate her on purpose, Dex has never been one to back down from a challenge and is more than willing to irritate them right back. She had a fleeting thought that it was a bit strange that four friends all transferred to the university at the same time when admissions were supposed to be closed, but stranger things have happened, so she quickly dismissed her suspicion.

I'm excited to explore how the story is going to move forward with her and the inevitable realization that there is an entire supernatural world right under her nose.

If you haven't already checked out Golden you absolutely should!

[swaps55]

Ahhhh I'm sorry, I'm fanboying so hard for your fics and Sam. I love your hybrid of game mechanics into fics, it makes so much sense. It's been years since I played ME and I don't remember what half of the biotic moves do, and I never realized that when reading your fics. So your writing style in relation to biotics 1) really interested me and 2) didn't make me feel dumb or out of the loop at all and 3) helped kickstart me to do research into the biotics of the game and got me excited to play again. I love the real-world affect you put on it, how breaking physics like that will have affects on the body. And it makes me happy that our Sheps are vanguard buddies. If I ever get my computer back in one piece I'm sooo modding ME1 to romance the shit out of Kaidan. Thank you for listening to my questions, you are awesome ❤️❤️❤️

Oh my gosh, thank you for ASKING them!!!!! Seriously, I’ll talk about Sam all day.

I live in the Mass Effect codex when I write, and I love being able to work in some of the lore details you can find there that you don’t really get to see in the game. When I did my ME1 retelling (which is not Sam, unfortunately, but I steal from my version of those events for Sam all the time), one of my favorite scenes in the whole thing is seeing the Battle of the Citadel through Joker’s perspective. I got to talk about wolf packs and “knife fights” and blowing the tiger stripes, and I built tension with combat that you only see happening through console pings. So many of those world building details were right there in the codex, and I got to put them to work and make the world feel real. I had a blast writing that. 

I also did things like have Shepard’s squad sit around analyzing the geth and classifying the different units they’d seen during combat as part of their mission reports. Given the geth hadn’t been seen for 200 years, having the crew casually refer to a colossus or a destroyer or a trooper felt silly - how would they have terminology for what they were seeing? 

As for biotics, fuck, writing biotics is so cool. I like to lean into how “othering” and new it is for humans. The games try and tell you that human biotics are rare, yet you encounter them all the time. Therefore I go out of my way to make them feel rare. That’s why Sam is the first biotic to go through the N program and the only one to make N7 so far. Because no one knew what to do with biotics, Sam had a miserable time at The Villa. When I started looking at similar American military spec ops programs, the common denominator was they force candidates to perform at very high levels on little food or sleep. Well, restricting calories for biotics is a much bigger handicap than non-biotics, especially Sam, who has trouble regulating his blood sugar due to a side effect of his implant. 

I’m going into a lot more details about this soon in Fugue. Sam’s experience as a biotic paving the way for other biotics has been a fascinating thing to explore. 

I’d love to write more scenes involving Liara, Sam and Kaidan, as they would all have such drastically different approaches to biotics. Everything would be so much more natural and effortless for Liara, and she grew up with neither the stigma Sam and Kaidan did nor the trauma they both experienced learning to use them. 

Good luck with your computer!!! That modded playthrough I did through the trilogy to get the mShenko romance all the way through was fucking amazing and I loved every second of it!!!!!