#(will i ever be able/“allowed” to actually write that thing? dunno!)

[nostalgia-tblr]

I had another fic idea and the brain was like "no, that's too fluffy and romantic and YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE NICE THINGS, PEOPLE WOULD JUDGE YOU" but then I went "but what if it was kind of... comedy fluff?" and brain went "...yeah, okay, if you really must." Which I fucking HATE! Why can't I write nice things, brain?! Everyone else is allowed to! FFS, it's fanfiction, it doesn't have to be ~deep~ or any of that shit!

This has actually been a bit of an issue when I'm trying to write The WIP because while I told myself yeah sure go ahead and write the massively self-indulgent epically long (by my own odd standards) fic but still sometimes I get stuck because I'm not "allowed" to write something that appeals to me and my own sometimes niche interests??

Like angst I can do because that's "proper" somehow? WTF is that about? It's not proper! It's still daft! And comedy I'm allowed because I dunno apparently if it will make someone laugh that means it has "value"? It's very annoying, I don't like it.

Do other people have this? How do you deal with it? You'd think after all this time I'd be okay with writing any old shit that I want to. If anything it might be worse now. I remember years ago I could tell myself "Look, if you've spelled most of it correctly then it's already in like the better half of all the fanfic on the internet" which isn't really TRUE but I could go along with that and let myself write whatever-the-fuck I wanted to.

You know how many of us go "I'll write this fucked up thing... but I'll post it as Anon"? I get that with fluffy fic ideas as well. Or with things that are "too shippy" (WTF?) It's just such a stupid and weird form of self-criticism and it bothers me a lot.

[miguelsslvt]

miguel o'hara x cheshire cat! spider! reader drabble

word count: 580

TW: angst, fluff, literally makes no sense

A/N: basically as i'm writing a goth girl! reader smut, i was listening to the playlist 'alice by heart' and i just thought of a cheshire cat! spider! reader comforting a lost in grief miguel? i dunno, it probs dont even make sense. but maybe when i'm free next i'll write a smut fic of miguel going to wonderland to capture an anomaly and she ran into cheshire cat who offers him some 'distractions'? ;) anyways posting goth girl! reader smut soon!!! welcome to the club!! ^^

y/n l/n. alias? cheshire spider. from earth-444, also known as 'wonderland'. you were a skilled spider, but very irritating to miguel. he had allowed you into spider society purely for your good agility and strength. agility of a cat, powers of a spider. and the fact that you could disappear and reappear whenever you please was useful too.

on a day you wanted to bug and annoy miguel, you walked in at a bad time. he was looking through past images and videos of his daughter.

'..who's that?' you asked, as miguel's eyes widened in shock and anger. 'get out.' he said bluntly. 'no. who is that?' you asked. 'get out cheshire!' miguel snapped. 'no miguel i want to know who that is.' 'didn't curiosity ever kill the cat?!' 'tell me.' you snapped back. 'i'm sick to death of you cheshire! you just dk nothing but bug everyone, i'm sick to death!!' miguel yelled angrily, as you looked completely unphased. in fact, you smiled.

'looks like i hit a soft spot.' you said, smirking. you disappeared suddenly, your smiling disappearing last until it first reappeared beside the current video of miguel and his daughter playing together. '..y'know i'm actually good with grief?' you said. miguel raised an angry eyebrow at that. 'what?' he said, confused slightly. 'what, you think none of us cared when alice left us?' you said, raising an eyebrow. '..that's nothing compared to my pain.' miguel spat coldly. 'senseless, heartless. you won't ever give this girl's soul up?' you asked, tilting your head, miguel gave up arguing. he sighed, frustrated. '..my daughter. gabriella. i..i killed her.' miguel said quietly.

you looked down, nodding as you listened. '..was it a multiversal collapse?' you asked, as miguel nodded, looking down. '..some things fall away. you just have to accept them.' you said. 'how am i supposed so accept something so devastating?' miguel asked, sounding offended. '..just cry and it's a crisis. if you let your grief sink in, you'll be able to move forward. losing a loved one is incredibly hard, the mock turtles told me all about that, but you're living in shock here. your heart is cold. how can you protect the multiverse if you're so cold and distant on yourself, let alone your team-mates?' you said, raising an eyebrow.

miguel was shocked. for once, what you said made, some sort of sense. no mockery, no jokes, no riddle. did you genuinely want to help him..?

'i may not know how you feel,, but i'm sure that i can try to help you out of this rut.' you smiled softly. '..why are you so.. different?' miguel asked wearily. 'you're so mischievous, so snarky and sneaky, why?' miguel asked. 'hm.. i suppose that's how i was raised. wonderland is very different to nueva york.' you stated, sitting on his desk table.

'you mustn't grow up, you mustn't disobey the queen, you mustn't be late for tea..' you rambled, before smiling again. 'you mustn't hide within your shell of grief.' that caught miguel off guard. he let out a small chuckle.

'you're right, wonderland is very different to nueva york.' he said, looking down. you two sat in silence for a few moments, but it was.. comforting. the silence spoke thousands of words. it was a.. good silence. miguel hadn't heard of a 'good silence' in a while.

'..maybe you could come visit wonderland?' you offered, smirking. 'no way, cheshire.' miguel replied, breaking a small smile.

[zoloftsexdeath]

Thinking about the origin songs of all the surviving covey members. I can’t speak to color theory, and I haven’t read the books, but I do know some folk songs and recognized some names. Now I don’t stick to Childes ballads strictly when listening to these songs, but I will be listing the number for reference on all the names that have a childe’s ballad corresponding, just for ease of research.

Lucy Grey Baird

Lucy Grey is her own creature and her song is plain in the books. I think the difference between the book ballad of Lucy Gray and the one in the movie (the song she herself wrote about Billy Taupe) is fascinating, as the first one is more of a story-song traditional like, and the Ballad per the movie is so. Im shoving it in my mouth and eating it. Smarter people with more context than me can write better about it though so I’ll leave it at this. I personally think Rachael Ziegler killed it though, and her voice is high and clear, would love to hear her live so I could lay in the grass and kick my feet as I listen.

Barbara Azure Baird

Barb Azure canonically came from Barbara Allen/Barb’ry Allen [CB # ]traditionally a round sung about a woman whose lover dies of wanting her, and she dies of sorrow, and their graves lie entertwined with plants of rose and briar on each respective grave to form a true lover’s knot. My favorite version comes from Joan Baez. This is the only of the covey songs I’ve ever heard before doing this research, and I love it dearly.

Tam Amber [last name unknown]

Tam Amber from Tam Lin! Also known as Tamlaine, Tamlin, or Tam Lyne [Child Ballad #39]. An epic Scottish ballad, and a lovely round. As the story went he was a mortal kidnapped by faeries and has become their unwilling servant, protecting a forest in which he finds a beautiful young woman (usually named Janet or Margaret) whom he confronts for plucking roses. They doink about it, she gets pregnant, her father asks who got her with child, and she rushes back to Tam Lin and begs him to either get rid of the child he begot or marry hee, which in his current state he cannot do. He then devises a plan for Janet/Margaret to performs several tasks that will allow him to return to the land of the mortals, angering the faery queen but assuaging her enough that she makes good on her promise and reluctantly frees Tam Lin to marry his now beloved Janet and legitimize their child. Perhaps not the most traditional version, the one by Anaïs Mitchell and Jefferson Hamer makes me think yes, I can see Tam Amber’s parents falling in love to this song, singing it to him and the other covey children to put them to sleep.

Clerk Carmine Clade

From the ballad Clerk Colven [Child Ballad #42] about a real piece of work who tries to run off on his wife and sleep with a mermaid. The mermaid knows this though, and curses him to suffer a horrific headache until I think his head actually explodes. I don’t think it necessarily has any bearing on Clerk Carmine’s actual personality, but the combination of this song with the color carmine (a brilliant red extracted from the cochinil bug) leads me to believe he was either conceived, born, or his parents married while traveling in district 5. I can see this one being a favorite in district, where they know the danger of baiting the sea and possibly the danger of being a jackass to your wife as well. The location of D5 down in the southwest also leads me to believe it was one of the few places the Covey could have encountered the color as well, as often red 40 or other synthetics are used in mass production of vibrant reds and the use of cochinil based carmine would likely be a very “district” thing, used by native residents for painting or decoration of small items. It’s a strong name, and dangerous when it comes to taking a stand against what the capital represents. I’m surprised he was able to keep it. I reccomend this cover, dunno the singer really but the accent is heavy and his voice is true. I would listen with lyrics alongside though.

Maude Ivory Baird

The book tells us that Maude comes from the poem “Maude Clare” by Christina Rosetti, and Ivory from piano keys. I also like to think that she was partially named after Maud Karpeles, a British folk song collector who helped write down a lot of folk music.

Billy Taupe Clade

Likely from Billy Boy, ironic and fitting for its being about a man after a wife who can feed and care for him despite her being “too young to leave her mother” something Lucy Gray says about him wanting in the books (and seemingly not wanting much more). I don’t care much for this song (sorry), but this is an alright cover.

[artsyunderstudy]

Happy New Year! 

I want to open with saying thanks to everyone in this amazing fandom, both the creators and the cheerleaders, because all of you make it an incredibly fun and warm place to be.  I’ve consumed and created so much this year it’s hard to narrow things down to my favorites, but damn it all, I’m going to try. 

We Still Bloom (T, 18.4k)

The Mirrors that Hold Us (E, 70.4k)

Sixty Seconds (T, 2.8k)

What Lies Behind Doorways (M, 10.8k)

A Mild Case of Madness (M, 22.6k, WIP)

Meet Me Under the Mistletoe (T, 4.7k)

Every One With You (M, 5.3k)

What We Crave (E, 9.3k)

Touch Starved (E, 5k)

Here in the Dark (E, 4.7k)

Total: 9 complete fics, 1 fic in progress

Word count: 154k

Favorite story this year?  Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest?

We Still Bloom, definitely not my most popular but it was my personal favorite.

Okay, now your most popular story?

Sixty Seconds, which was unfathomable to me because I wrote it in two days (though it was HEAVILY edited over a week) and it’s very short, very simple, and VERY fluffy. And I was so terrified while posting it because I didn't know if it was any good at all.  But apparently fluff is the business I should be in because the two fluffiest fics I wrote were much better received than I originally expected.  (The other is Meet me Under the Mistletoe.)

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

I wouldn’t say We Still Bloom is "underappreciated", but it’s the one I’m most proud of but has the least amount of kudos, which honestly I understand.  It’s angsty, its sad and tense the whole way through.   And while I personally enjoy stuff like that, not everyone does.  But I think it’s some of my best writing, and has a really lovely conclusion. The whole point of it was to explore why they love one another, and how. And honestly how hard it is to accept love, sometimes.

Story that could have been better?

I’m generally the most critical of my longer works, because they take a lot of planning, and even if pieces are really good there is pacing and build-up and the overall flow to consider.  So I think Mirrors could have been better?  It was my first long fic for the fandom, and honestly the first long thing I’ve written in a decade, so I’m overall proud of it and happy with it.  But I’m sure it could have been a lot better.

Sexiest story?

Touch Starved is the hottest thing I’ve written, I’m pretty sure.  (Here in the Dark is a close second, they are both PWP lol)  It’s one fic where I allowed myself to go a little darker and filthier, since usually I tend toward tender intimacy/emotions over sexiness.  Though TS has a lot of both, it definitely lets itself just be a horny little fic.

Saddest story?

Mirrors?  Probably?  It depends on what makes you sad, but that story is mired in grief which is sad.  But What Lies Behind Doorways is sad in that it’s about Baz dealing with PTSD alone, and We Still Bloom is about Baz loving Simon without a lot of hope, and breakup angst always hits ME the hardest.  So, I dunno.  Take your pick.  I write a lot of sad shit.

Most fun?

A Mild Case of Madness has been so much fun.  I didn’t think I could be funny.  Like, I’m funny IRL, but I’ve never tried to write anything funny.  It’s not hilarious by any means, but it’s got this sassy energy I don’t think a lot of my other stuff has.  It’s been so much fun to write.  (I NEED TO FINISH IT)

Story with the single sweetest moment?

I have … no idea.  Probably every hug in Sixty Seconds, or the last hug??  The whole thing is about comfort hugs, it’s the definition of saccharine.

Hardest story to write?

We Still Bloom was written very very quickly, but only after MONTHS of fussing over it.  I thought that fic to death, and there was a point I was wondering if I’d ever be able to actually write it, so it was definitely a challenge.  Once I had the plan, though, I feverishly wrote it in only a couple weeks. 

Easiest/most fun story to write?

Meet Me Under the Mistletoe was very quick and easy to write.  It’s just a bunch of kissing! 

Most overdue story?

Well clearly it’s A Mild Case of Madness.

Did you take any writing risks this year?  What did you learn from them?

Everything feels like a risk, honestly.  Maybe What We Crave was the biggest risk, and I still feel really conflicted about it?  It also happens to be my least favorite fic of the year.  If I had known what it would end up being, I probably would have planned more, and maybe I wouldn’t have posted it at all.  I don’t know.  Mmm.  On a more positive note I am glad I took the risk and got outside of my comfort zone. I do think parts of it are really good, specifically the final chapter.

Coming back to edit because I need to add Sixty Seconds, I challenged myself with brevity for this fic and I have to say it was absolutely a great experience even if it felt risky. It taught me a lot about how to make cuts and really narrow down the narrative to its more important components, something I definitely struggle with.

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it?

I tend to focus on emotional intimacy in pretty much everything I write.  Most of my stories revolve around the exploration of that intimacy or striving to correct intimacy that’s missing, like Baz finally opening up about his trauma to Simon in What Lies Behind Doorways, or Simon recognizing and pushing beyond his fear of loss in We Still Bloom.  Then, the way intimacy helps them to express themselves and get closer, like the comfort sex in Every One with You, the hugs in Sixty Seconds, and the way Baz touches Simon and allows himself to be touched in Touch Starved.  Intimacy, intimacy, intimacy.

I drew a ton of art this year, so I'm just going to highlight a few favorites. ♥

I just joined this fandom in March and I have read so, so, so much fic. it's not going to be possible to highlight all my favorites in this post, so I just want to preface this by say if I kudosed, commented or bookmarked any of your fics, I loved them. That being said, here are my top 10 completed fics and top 5 WIPS, and my apologies if they weren't all written this year. I tried, but like I said. I read so much.

Completed

Ready or Not by @bookish-bogwitch (E, 20.7k)

Baker boxer teacher grief (Or: The thing that lasts) by @chen-chen-chen-again-chen (E, 21.3k)

Snow, Baz, and the Seven Bunces by LakeWitch (M, 54k)

London Loves Us Only by imjusthereforthefreefood (E, 47.6k)

Restoration Ecology by @captain-aralias (E, 51k)

What's Left by @cutestkilla (M, 133.8k)

when the dust settles (you'll come home to me) by @diningpagentry (E, 65.8k)

Where the Sand Meets the Sea by @amywaterwings (T, 76.5k)

A Light from Miles Away and A Light From Within by @stillmadaboutpetra (T, 67k and 60k)

The Space In Between by @whatevertheweather (M, 101.1k)

WIP

What Remains After The Storm by @hushed-chorus (M, 14.7k)

Depth of Reason by @you-remind-me-of-the-babe (M, 22.7k)

A Dangerous Affinity by @larkral (T, 67.8k)

Every little helps by @nightimedreamersworld (E, 28.6k)

More Than Friends by @fatalfangirl (E, 6.3k)

Comment more and do more fic rec posts. ♥♥

Finish a new fic over 70k

Be kinder to myself and stop being so self-critical. Enjoy the process.

Participate in more fests

Make more fandom friends ♥ There are so many amazing people here and I would really love to get to know you all better.

Here's to 2023! So excited for what's ahead. ♥

[roxannarambles]

Finally finished playing Legends: Arceus-- the main storyline, at least, I have not completed the full Dex, but I did everything else. Some thoughts below.

So, there's a lot this game has going for it. There are lots of lovely natural environments to run around in and explore, and the pokemon really do feel integrated into a complete world, full of personality and ways of interacting with them you just don't get in other games. The controls feel good, the mounts are very fun to use, the aesthetic is on point, and the story's pretty fun. Crafting is a neat addition to the game, there's plenty of side-quests, and there's some interesting new battle mechanics. Overall, they switch things up from the mainline games and try a lot of new things, which I do commend them for.

But, um. Here's the thing. I really hate the gameplay, for the most part. Which is why I bought the game and really, really wanted to enjoy it, and I tried several times to play through, but each time I got so intensely bored I just couldn't go through with it. Don't get me wrong, catching pokemon and using berries and stun items and other stuff feels good, and it feels fun. For like, the first hour. But you have to keep doing it.

Over and over and over.

I just don't enjoy catching a billion pokemon and grinding out other research tasks, like beating up on wild pokemon in various ways, using a specific move a certain number of times, etc. It's so mindless and dull and grindy and boring. You know how PokemonGo is mostly just . . . catching pokemon? Yeah. That gets old, I hate that. I can see how it's just chill and relaxing for some people, but it just isn't for me. I did my damned best to get into it, I promise, but I never did. It was a slog the whole way.

I tried to make it more interesting to me by doing a "bug only challenge." I was only allowed to catch and use bug types, the whole game. (The exceptions are plot-required catches: namely, the Tutorial pokemon and a Dusknoir at some point in the main storyline) And it . . . was sorta nice, I guess? But it didn't do much to make it more fun to me. In some ways it made it even more of a slog since it's harder to earn Star Ranks when you're severely limiting the species you catch. Still, I'm kinda proud I was able to do it, I guess?

Trainer battles in the game are frustrating, too, due to their rarity. You do have battles in the game, and new battle mechanics to try out, too, which gives you a desire to have battles-- especially since it can break up the monotonous research tasks. However, battles are so incredibly rare, and typically incredibly, incredibly easy and are over in almost an instant. You never get to really use the pokemon you've trained. And I get it, the emphasis of the game is research, not battling, since battling is still in its infancy in this era. It still feels frustrating though. I craved battles.

I didn't get to ever feel attached to my team, either. Since most of the game involves research tasks, a lot of those tasks involve battling against wild pokemon. If I used my main team for all that, they'd get way overlevelled in a hurry. So I was always using different individuals. I hardly ever saw my main team, so I did not get the chance to bond with them emotionally-- especially since we rarely had trainer battles anyway.

I didn't feel attached to most of the characters in the game either, to be frank. This isn't any fault of the writing, I actually think the writing was very strong in this game, this is more of just a personal preference. The Pokemon Professor is fine enough, but I never got over the disgusting pube-hair look he has going on his face (I am allowed to dislike characters for shallow reasons, okay). Rei was okay, but I certainly didn't feel fond over him. The leaders of the Pearl and Diamond clans were okay I guess, but the 'arguments' about time and space were so fucking stupid and took up most their screen time, so it kind of ruins them. I just, I dunno, I didn't feel strongly about any of them.

Except for Volo. I always liked him. (The moment I saw him I hoped he was a butch lesbian and got all excited. When I found out he was a dude I was a bit disappointed but oh well, he's still pretty) He was friendly and charismatic and I appreciated his curiosity and his wanderer's spirit.

It's a shame I didn't play and finish the game when I first bought it, because then I might not have been spoiled to Volo's little twist at the end. But, finding out Volo's heavy involvement in the game and the twist at the end was what motivated me to bother finishing the game, so. There's that. I really don't think anything else would have motivated me, because the gameplay was just such a slog for me.

I am glad I bothered to finish the main story, though. It was interesting. I do love the premise of people being very wary and frightened of pokemon and exploring that kind of world. Portraying pokemon in a scarier role was a bold move for the franchise and I love them exploring that side. I LOVE pokemon chasing after you and attacking you directly and the 'alpha' pokemon mechanic and the spookiness of it all. And the story is honestly a neat one. The idea of MC being displaced in time and space and having to work for their room and board has a cozy-survival feel to it, and the deep mistrust of everyone and slowly earning their respect was interesting. Although I did feel actively annoyed that no matter how much work I did, and how many requests I fulfilled, people still often treated me with mistrust. But I think that was the point, to be honest!

When you quell the final Noble and the sky goes boom, that's when things get truly fun, though. I love that Kamado turns on you, which was not too surprising since he'd been one of the ones who really banged on and on about mistrusting you the most. I LOVE the short scene of showing you being walked out of the village as you're banned. I LOVED the feeling of being suddenly on your own, and I LOVE that both Pearl and Diamond clans turned their backs on you so that they wouldn't risk war with Galaxy. And who is there when you have no one else to turn to, alone in the wilderness, when you need a friend the most?

Volo.

He brings you to Cogita, where she fulfills the heavy burden of Exposition Lady. The years of bearing that burden of Exposition have turned her tired and a little snippy, apparently (in truth she's only snippy with Volo, and I think it's because she senses a bad aura, but from an innocent standpoint it seems needlessly snippy, since Volo's Mask is a genuinely nice guy and he's given a nearly flawless performance). I don't know if Cogita was even needed for the story, since Volo's specialty is myth research and he could have easily given us that exposition and also given us a neutral ground to shelter at while the other clans turned their backs on us. But whatever, they wanted a Cynthia ancestor, I can understand that. Dang her house was pretty to look at, and the music there was great. They really put effort into that part.

And then you go and forge the red chain and climb the mountain and . . . potato guy? Why are you here? Oh, he's randomly a ninja. Actually, that part was hilarious and I loved it, I had a grudge against Beni the ENTIRE game because he didn't want to serve me his stupid mochi, so I was so excited to kick his ass. And the extra lore was nice, not to mention the extremely rare chance to have a battle. Anyway, after that, you battle the boss and then take care of the scary Legendary pokemon and all that jazz, and the story . . . ends. Rather abruptly, to be honest. It felt a bit sudden, as if Act 2 was cut a little short. I think it's because the post-game is still what you'd call the main story. Post-game content normally is extra, bonus stuff, but man, if you skip the post-game plot in Arceus, you'll be missing a whole chunk of actual story. Tbh I think they shouldn't have rolled credits 'til the end of the Volo battle, but that's nitpicking. Besides, it amuses me to think some people stopped after the credits and never learned the truth about Volo, which is just a hilarious thought.

Act 3 takes place after a festival celebrating the fact MC saved the world and the Diamond and Pearl clans no longer need to fight (sadly, we don't get to see the festival though!! other than a tiny photo in the credits!) It's pretty short and mostly running around doing errands involving facing off against legendaries and mythicals; the most satisfying errand was a rematch with Kamado because it was a trainer battle aaaaaa!! So few of those. And then we climb the mountain again because Volo, um, really wants to meet the creator's 'unwanted child' for some reason . . . sounds like a good idea right??

The battle with him was fun. Having Cynthia's banger theme was hype, didn't expect it. I was doing the bug challenge run, my team was levels ~60-65, and I beat him on my first go, down to my last pokemon, Heracross on full health.

And then he brings out Giratina without letting me heal. Ahaha, uhhm.

Thankfully I had a lot of Max Revives stuffed in my bag which I FINALLY had a use for. The second phase for Giratina was not expected, so that was a fun surprise, but I scraped by on a few more max revives and careful juggling, and we won. (I dunno what happens once you meet Arceus itself, because I think I need to 100% the Dex for that to happen, but presumably our character can finally return home.)

Was it a good game? Yes, objectively speaking, definitely. I think Legends: Arceus was a very strong game. The writing was very good, and that's a precious rarity in Pokemon games. The world itself was carefully designed, polished, pretty, and felt like truly exploring nature and encountering pokemon, in a unique and refreshing way. The gameplay tried something very new and it generally implemented its intentions very well-- it felt fun to control the character, to throw pokeballs, to craft and collect items, to use mounts, and go up against the Nobles. The story and the universe cast pokemon in an exciting new perspective.

It's just a shame that a million grindy research tasks are so utterly boring to carry out, because the main thrust of the game and what you spend the most time on just plain sucked for me to do. So much so, that I did not enjoy most of my experience playing this game. But oh well, what can you do?

[inkykeiji]

hi clari!! do you happen to be interested in ballet at all? i’ve been doing ballet for years now and i’ve been curious if of your iterations of touya would let reader be a dancer, for example a dance major in college? it’s such a “cute and girly” thing that i think they might like it but at the same time i could see them getting jealous of any potential duets with other men or how “revealing” the uniforms are

but either way i’d love to know what majors you originally have each of them doing since most, if not all, of your stories have the reader doing college?

hope you’re doing well!! <33

hi anon!! <3 oooh i actually love ballet so much and i will forever regret talking my mom out of enrolling me in it when i was 8!!! EEE ehehe it’s funny u ask actually because once upon a time i was writing a ballet au with dabi! i dunno if i’ll ever finish it tho hahaha >.< so since all of my readers are already enrolled in university by the time they meet touya/dabi, there’s no way he’d be able to control what their major is; they already decided on it on their own and most are at least a year or two into their studies when they first meet him, so he isn’t able to decide what it is they’re studying (which means yes, they’d be forced to ‘allow’ her to continue her dance major! no matter how much they don’t like it! they won’t be changing programs simply because their overbearing, overprotective, over-possessive boyfriend doesn’t like it).

that being said, you’re 100% right! my touyas/dabis would be totally torn between loving it because it’s so beautiful and awe-inspiring (they’re totally enraptured—enchanted—when they watch her perform) and being extremely jealous that literally anyone else gets to see their girl in such beautiful costumes dancing such beautiful numbers and that anyone gets to fucking touch their girl at all. out of my three main iterations, touya-nii would be the worst with his possessiveness and would definitely demand she never dance a pas de deux with anyone (despite the fact that she wants to, that it’s good for her career + exposure, or that her grade depends on it. tnii is way too selfish to give a fuck about any of that, and he’d much rather she stay in the corps forever—in his mind, he’s like why would she ever need to be prima anyway? when she has me? when i can provide for her? etc.)

good question! so their majors are intentionally left vague so you, the real reader, can project whatever you’d like onto them! in my mind, they study art of some form (probably literature and/or film since that’s what i studied HAHAHA but i also love the idea of studying fine arts or dance like u said!!!), with the exception of bmb reader, who in my mind studies psychology. but again, feel free to imagine them studying whatever you’d like to! i hope you’re doing fabulous, sweetpea! <3 thank u for ur question!!!

[bettsfic]

directors cut on dirtbag, im begging

i don't know what i was on when i wrote dirtbag but i'd kill to have it back.

initially i didn't plan to write anything for hellcheer because, yk, 3 minutes of on screen interaction and i don't actually like stranger things. but i got an ask about if i would ever write for them, and that got me Thinking* and then i slipped into some kind of fugue state where i wrote sick part of a sick thing across 8 days.

if you ever want me to write for your ship, send me an ask asking what i WOULD write for them (assuming i know canon), and i may say i dunno or i may write a 50k multichap

sick thing was not satisfying to write on a craft level because i relied heavily on the same cheap moves stranger things employs to create conflict, namely totally flat antagonists that exist only to propel the protagonist into action.

and so after i wrote sick thing, i thought i would try the exact opposite, a fic that takes place over a long time where every character has some degree of nuance.

and that challenge was...challenging. i've never worked harder on a fic, but it was worth it i think for what i learned in the process of writing it. i think it made my characters stronger and my story structures more complicated and interesting. it reframed my perspective of developing tension through context rather than chronology.

i re-read it recently and it made me really sad because i don't think some of the things i admire about it can ever be replicated. i'd love to be able to put that degree of loneliness and longing in an original work, but i've tried and i seem to lose something along the way.

i remember while i was posting it being very happy about the response, because there weren't a whole lot of people reading it, but the people who were reading it really seemed to be engaging with it. it's one thing when people enjoy a story, but it's another when they allow the story to move them. i got a lot of really insightful asks and comments. so it was hard to write and it was a huge struggle, and there's at least one chapter that i re-wrote like 5 times, but overall it was very rewarding.

[bilolli]

Hi, me again lmao 👁️👁️ Thank you for answering to my ramblings, have more

By erasing memories I meant like actual staff erasing it so they don't have triggers from past patients, like if you know psychopaths are pretty cool doctors/cops/any other job that involves human's emotions or traumatic shit for normal person because they don't have any emotions. So technically it would be logical for William to program bots to be the same but if it's important for the story then nevermind, it's just a thought of mine!

Also about boys having conflicted feelings: we can make it even better! Y/N has conflicted feelings as well because Sun and Moon are caretakers, it's their job to take about y/n. So y/n just thinking like "Could everything that they did be just because of their job?" "Maybe they were so nice to me just because they have to" etc etc ;)

Another little things, just ideas(don't have to be in your main story, just thoughts about your main setting):

You said that Sun and Moon are allowed to go wherever they want but I don't really think that they can just live y'know? And I was just thinking about them actually secretly dreaming about experiencing very simple things, that they can't do on their own because they need to look after patients.

Y/N is already healthy for a long long period but pretends to be sick so they can stay with boys? Like yeah, they can leave the hospital and just visit them sometimes but it's just not the same...

Thank you for answering again, I'm really into this au and really want to see how it will turn out!! <33

Yey more ramblings!

Answers under the cut because I can't seem to be able to write a small post.

Normal staff is unable to erase the animatronics memories because it requires a lot of knowledge about programming (obviously) and even some access passwords that only the directors of the hospitals know (William and Micheal in this case) The directors are the one who decide how to use and what must be done to the animatronics. 

Under William's directions, animatronics were periodically reset to better manage their memory and to erase private data after a patient was released. This was obviously just an excuse used for the public. He actually did that to erase every possible proof of his crimes.

Micheal, on the other hand, doesn't do that because he doesn't have anything to hide and thinks that having any previous data about certain events/illnesses could save someone's life, even if it's not actually in line with normal privacy rules. He sees the animatronics like a hacker/technician sees his extremely expensive and new super computer. Not actually as people but something pretty much similar. He treats them well but he demands respect from them, not because he is human and they are robots, but because of his position as a lead doctor.

I didn't mention it before but y/n has a lot of conflicting feelings as well. Here is an example from the WIP:

"After all you're just another patient to entertain, who knows how many other humans they took care of with the same kind gestures and smiles before you even arrived here."

Sun and Moon are free to roam inside the hospital perimeter and it has pretty much anything you could ever want and could expect from a big, private hospital (like, dunno, a pool and a gym). But yeah, they sometimes find themselves thinking about visiting different cities or just enjoying different views. 

Sun wants to go to an amusement park and Moon wants to go to a real cinema and watch a film on the big screen. 

Visit the duo you say? That's actually something Sun says at some point but he's firmly convinced that y/n would stop doing it after some time passes. 

Y/n has the money to stay at the hospital for some time but they'll run out of them if they stay for too long. If they are gonna survive all of what's happening they are planning something different. Hopefully their plan is going to work.

[ageless-aislynn]

Since I thought for so long that I wasn't going to be able to ever get Georgette to be the gaming computer she's supposed to be, now that I've got her to agree to playing Halo, I wanted to expand into a few other games in my Steam library. Note the play time...

Because any time there's a 117, my thoughts go right to this fellow, of course! 😇

I'm really enjoying the puzzle aspect for Portal but my STARS I'm sucking at using either controller or mouse and keyboard. For some reason, looking to the left on the controller also makes me look totally upwards. Looking right looks totally down. I can compensate eventually to line things up but I've been stuck on a puzzle that requires you to push 2 buttons in different rooms, then quickly shoot 2 new portals to redirect an energy ball through the doors opened by those buttons. The timing is VERY short before the doors close again and I finally got thisclose to just giving up. I spent some time working on it again tonight and I'm not sure if I finally did get it or if there's some sort of "fail a puzzle 10 million times and just... go on anyway, please" element. 🤷‍♀️

Either way, I'm glad to have gotten past that one, lol! The next one is allowing me time to correct the weird ALL THE WAY UP or ALL THE WAY DOWN when trying to look left or right thing, so hopefully there won't be anything super short timed coming up. 🤞😣🤞 (I've tried correcting it by lowering the sensitivity, inverting the axis, etc. Nothing has made any difference, so I don't know what the problem is.) I actually do even worse with with mouse and keyboard because I'm not used to coordinating my hands like that and for some reason it stutters really bad when I use the mouse to look.

Ah well! I'm just glad to playing a game! Georgette just weirdly does better when I put a heavier graphics load on her. She still crashes every day but it tends to be while idle or while I'm watching a Youtube video. I dunno. We're just working through it, what can I say? 🤷‍♀️

Anyway! I'm taking a break from writing since I'll be starting Camp NaNo on the first, so thought this was a good time to try out a new game!

Hope you all are doing great! Much love to you, frens! 🤗🤗🤗💖

[hopefully-hellbound]

Been thinking about STDs in our beloved town and now i have some random theories. When i say town, that includes the farms, forests and islands nearby.

Noone in town has any STDs. The town is incredibly cut off from the rest of the world, my theory is that theyre on an island so it would be only accessible via boat. They have no tvs, almost no phones and only computers seem to be owned by police and Leighton, Mickey is a hacker yes but that's obviously not legal. It would make sense for townsfolk to be able to travel but it doesn't seem like anyone does. They seem completely self sufficient with the farms, a hospital, a school, even their own asylum which you dont see in many small towns. In conclusion, noone ever really leaves the town so they can't track in STDs

But what about the visitors? I'm sure they have to have some, the town is definitely on some map. Perhaps sometimes people get jobs there and move to it. I'd imagine they would be required to go see Harper, if not willingly, some accident that'd put them in the hospital could certainly be arranged. Harper performs the tests and if they are clean, they're free to continue roaming the town. Harper also informs Quinn of the newcomer's temper and Quinn (or some other more important people) decide if the person is allowed to stay.

I can absolutely see a council of some sort, most important townsfolk working together on one thing and one thing alone, and that's keeping the town's secrets intact, making sure nothing gets out or in that shouldn't.

Quinn is 100% in the council, so are Harper, Leighton, Briar, Remy and Bailey - they run the most important locations of the town if we suspect Briar runs the underground Brothel. I could also argue that maybe Jordan is there too, but i'd want more of their background to be sure. Perhaps he'd want to keep outsiders out to make sure they stay uncorrupted by the town?

But back to outsiders. If they come inside and don't pass the vibe check? Well... It's easy to get lost in the sea, isn't it? Waters around the island are just sooo dangerous... Briar, Remy and Harper definitely have ways to make people disappear.

But what if the people who are gone had kids? Well, this is where Bailey comes in, takes the kids and shows them the new way of life, the way it is in town. No love, no affection, hardships only. Bailey protects them until they're adults and thats when the actual hard life starts. It'd also explain why such a small town has so many orphans.

Who gets to stay in town? People who are agressive, for once. Who indulge in the depravities and become one of their own, as long as they're not too dangerous. I dont know why but i could see Briar and Darryl being not born there, they made names for themselves. Darryl fits in the same category as Mason imo, people allowed to stay because they can turn a blind eye to the abuse, even if they can't help. And the other teachers are just... They're kind. But they know their place, do what they can without rocking the boat too much.

Speaking of the council, i'd like to argue that Eden and Morgan were both once in on it, but Eden couldn't take it and chose solitude, and Morgan... Maybe threathened too much. Maybe his child didn't leave him willingly. Maybe someone... Took care of it.

I dunno tho these are just my theories, but i really like the thought of all the town's assholes having one thing where they'd work together, so im gonna go with this and write something in this setting

[inflammatoryfandomblog]

okay so soren and claudia’s relationship is basically the best character writing the show has, in that it stays consistently good even when the show pulls out the biggest stinkers i have ever seen. i’ve written about this waaay back so won’t go into it again. one detail i really, really wished they had managed to put into the show proper and not only the novelizations is the fact that viren healed a sickly soren when he was very young with dark magic, which in addition to putting a physical toll on him, made his ex-wife spooked out and probably contributed to their divorce.

this actually shines a lot of light on soren’s dynamic with viren. claudia tells ezran that soren immediately clung to viren when told to choose between his parents, and if viren is the one responsible for curing soren, then yeah, that makes a lot of sense. it also makes a lot of sense in terms of viren thinking that he’s owed soren’s loyalty or even his life--viren’s entire Thing is that he frequently faces bad consequences for doing what may otherwise be traditionally heroic acts, and ofc, as in the show (and especially during the events of the show as viren realizes that “all he did was for nothing”), viren *would* resent him for it. it’s completely in-character.

so soren has the double-whammy of not being able to live up to expectations as much as claudia, and also feels like he owes his dad so much, since his dad was willing to do bad things for him. he has a really good reason to think viren loves him even though he’s the clear unfavorite.

and he’s much more loyal to viren as a result in a way that claudia wasn’t initially. he does actually try to kill the princes, even if he’s uncomfortable with it. i mean, surely his dad would do the same for him, right? now i know we like saying that claudia’s just inSaNe because of her s3 stuff, but pre season-3, soren was the more unscrupulous of the two. killing the princes is something claudia at that point in the story would not have done, and something that she refuses to believe viren would even order. the straw in the camel’s back for soren was being betrayed by viren in that little gaslighting scene, not necessarily just the fact that he ordered to have the princes killed. in that moment he learned that the sacrifices viren made didn’t mean he loves him.

this information also begs the question of how he may have felt about being cured by dark magic at the end of s2. if the context of viren healing him in a similar fashion were present while watching the show and the characters were allowed to have feelings about that, his getting-paralyzed-for-five-seconds thing would be more substantial than a “oooh look a claudia moment. look at that dear. isn’t it so cute. feel bad for the deer. focus on the deer. also guys soren’s dumb lol. look at how dumb he is. he barely has a functioning cerebrum lol. and also guys look he’s crushed by his dad’s expectations sadface. but look at claudia she’s all corrupted now!!! see it’s all good winkyface, this is a Big Moment for Claudia!!!” claudia is doing a very similar thing that viren did in his childhood. of course soren may have some mixed feelings about it--and maybe even slightly alluding to this might have, i dunno, meant something to the person who was actually paralyzed. if this scene were written with more of that in mind, this would actually completely transform the writing here while keeping the general event (a cured soren) intact.

this would also make “you’re heading down that path too” in season 3 also be more resonant than just soren being spooked out by dark magic and make his reasons for refusing the lux aurea dark orb that much stronger. it would imply that he’s aware that there’s some sort of “debt” to pay and maybe that he was somehow “responsible” for viren’s divorce (soren is as dumb as bricks but it’s implied many times that he’s more socially/emotionally intelligent than he looks) thanks to dark magic. he may not want to feel that he “owes” viren anything, and may perhaps see a pattern of self-sacrifice and subsequent resentment in claudia. how justified he would be in thinking this isn’t the point, my fellow claudia stans--the point is that he would think it and it would be a natural extension of his character. it also makes him letting claudia go even more meaningful--not only does he not want to “force her to choose” like he did when they were kids, he also doesn’t want her to feel tied down the way he might have been.

this letting her go thing is ironically enough counterproductive, and will likely lead to the same sort of resentment viren has for soren. soren has “broken up the family again.” after everything they’re done for him, he just turns his back on them, from claudia’s point of view. the series would be quite different if soren was more forceful about getting claudia to leave with him or made a stronger case for leaving viren, but there are real reasons why he wouldn’t do this and when it comes to his family he’s actually quite conflict-averse. and like it would make his speech about thinking that viren was a good man more impactful, and like it’s not like the speech isn’t cheesy as hell already.

[not-poignant]

Hi, pia, have you ever heard of radishfiction.com? It's a mobile app specifically for serial writers and allows you to monetize your writing. And since you already have a pretty decent following I'm thinking it might be something you could use? Sorry if this is a weird ask but I adore your work and hate to think of you struggling to earn money.

I was looking at their policies and they allow explicit/dark stories as long as there are content warnings and also allow stories that have been published elsewhere. You'd have to read the policies yourself to be sure (not sure how the payment or tax system works) because I just skimmed them but it sounds good so far? I dunno 😅

Hi anon,

I did look into Radish early on (I got an email from them, actually, way back when).

I have been curious about it, I know that the pay is really terrible overall (some people are doing very well, but dollars to cents are still not really doing great compared to other places). I'm actually a member of several serialised fiction groups and Radish comes up a lot (the pros but also the cons).

The biggest issue is mostly time and labour. I'm a disabled writer with a lot of chronic illness/es. Sometimes just writing chapters each month is enough to burn me out. Putting up chapter notifications on Patreon, Discord, and Tumblr is so tiring that I wouldn't even consider notifying people on say, Twitter, even though that makes good business sense.

I could technically diversify into Wattpad and Royal Road as well, and post stories there, it's allowed. But the extra work involved is extremely intimidated. I'm not a healthy full-time writer who can afford to kind of...put everything everywhere?

I definitely haven't ruled it out, but sometimes the problem isn't that they allow dark material, sometimes it's just that there's no magical energy fairy who will come along and make me able to handle setting up yet another account, monitoring yet more tax forms, and having to advertise yet one more thing. Usually I don't like to commit to something like that unless I know it will work out re: profitability. And I'm not entirely sure it will, much with novel publishing, there are a lot of authors on Radish who are making 5-10 cents a month (or $1-5 dollars a month) with regular update schedules and appealing content. That's...a very poor turnaround for the labour involved in setting up and getting started and formatting and releasing. Are there successful people on Radish? Sure! There are also successful writers on Patreon too! And successful novelists. But for everyone doing really well with it, the vast majority won't be making anything more than pocket money (see: Me and novels when I thought that might really help my income).

The app serial market is fairly oversaturated with novelists breaking up their novels into little chunks and selling them as serials there, it's a hugely competitive market, and even many Radish authors are pulling out and moving to the Patreon model instead, because they just can't keep up. I think possibly I could make it work, but the demographic isn't one that wants sex scenes as long as I write etc. But anyway, it's definitely something I've thought about, we'll see what happens in the future!

[saphflare]

// Tooth and Nail stream spoilers

So that was quite a lore stream wasn't it?

Just dear god

...

(Long tambling below and more nonsense thoughts)

-

-

-

-------------------------------------------------------

On one hand, STILL A POSSIBILITY FOR C!OWEN AND C!MAGIC TO RIP MY HEART OUT AND DESTROY MY EMOTIONS THANK GOD

FINALE PART ONE IN EIGHT DAYS LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO

But my god

c!Owen killed them all, he really, he actually got away with all of them. He isolated them all and watched them all die, made sure that no one would ever find them. And just god, he actually killed them all.

He has done it.

He destroyed his home, bashing in crates and the fencing. Scattering all his things and letting vines overgrow. He had no home, there was no home. He let his thoughts consume him, laughing as he spiralled down and down and down and down.

He wanted it all to end, he wouldn't accept anything other than one of them to die after this. He was tired and if it ended with him, so be it, but he couldn't let himself live and Krow live as well. He wanted an ending of some sort to a war that ended long ago that he KEEPS FIGHTING WHEN HE DOESN'T NEED TO AND I-

*sobs*

And just that little part where we heard his father's voice, and he jumped back (probably hit himself), gooooodddd lord I feel unwell about that part. Dear god.

And yet

Puddy

He didn't kill Puddy, he still cares he cares maybe I dunno he just-

He told Puddy to stay in the second clearing and he didn't butcher him like we thought. Didn't offer up Puddy to Guts. He didn't discard all his attachments, he let Puddy go and live on in the ruins of another clearing. And told the little piglet who had been his sole comfort, who saw his little mistakes, hear his little poems and rants and pains. A companion who saw Owen in those long hours of writing down a will that no one will probably read. To them, Owen told the little piglet that he shielded from Krow's dagger, he told Puddy to stay away...

He didn't discard all his attachments.

I don't know how to feel anymore.

I'm fucking inconsolable just my god.

On one hand, c!Owen has always been on this road, a path in which he can't return from, he has been on it since he turned away from c!Apo, who he grieved and cried over, who haunted him for years in cherished memories. He was doomed when he told the tiefling to run back and he sealed his fate by ending Apokuna. The one person that carried more weight in his mind than anyone else had before he remembered.

And for Rasbi, he didn't even give a chance.

She never stood a chance.

And I don't know how much weight Graecie's words would hold. If she even wakes up in time, if she sees Owen and learns how much he has changed. If she will care enough to reach out after learning all he has done.

And Magic.

He used Magic and in the end, he betrayed her trust and he used her to kill. And she was never meant to be the one to save him, she would not be able to, I don't think.

I don't think there is anyone that could change his mind, on one walking in the maze or existing beyond its confines that could make him want to be redeemed. No one that could make him leave the hill collapsing on itself, step away from that ledgd, a cage filling up and drowning him.

I don't think anyone could convince him to save himself.

They wouldn't forgive him anyways, for good reason after all. He killed the demons and he deceived them all, he did the worst of them all really. Why save the monster that hurt them so much, who would only remind them and hurt them because he blinds himself and would deny he had done wrong.

Too much wrong.

He can't be saved and he won't allow himself to be saved.

I know

I know

...

But I am a fucking fool holding out, and even if Puddy is doomed to the maze burning them all, I don't care. Owen loves that goddamn pet and I can't help but see the Owen that loved once when he told Krow to leave him with Puddy. And I want him to stop, god I want him to want to change even if he sealed his fate and would be hated forever. I WANT HIM TO HEAL STILL I WANT HIM TO BREAK THE CYCLE

AND I HATE THAT I CAN'T SEE HIM DOING THAT

But still I want him to and I am clinging onto hope like a drunk fool.

I want the Owen that hesitated to hurt, the one that wanted them all to thrive, the one that would reassure his friends, who was a protector.

I want the Owen that cared back.

The one that cared to live

The one that wanted to return home.

I miss him, goodness I miss him.

Because as much as I cheered on Owen and looked on for all he has done, he doesn't do it because he enjoys it, despite what he says.

He has hurt others and he lets himself stay hurt.

Killing Krow, the last of the demons in the clearing won't give him the peace he thinks it will let him have.

Even if he somehow hides it any longer, even if narratively someone wasn't going to probably find out what he has done, it will eat himself up inside.

It is a hollow victory that means nothing.

It was never was going to give him that closure he chased after for so long.

---

The closure he will never give himself, staying as he is. He was never going to get a happy ending, staying as he was.

And really that is what it comes down to, changing, recognizing truly what is done and the emptiness and that he sealed any chance of forgiveness from anyone left that cared.

It is the closest a person can get to being irredeemable. By refusing to change, over and over.

And would it matter, when there is no time left to change?

[loregoddess]

Hit the halfway(?) point of Azure Gleam (to the end of Ch9 aka the final chapter of Part I), some some mid-game spoilery thoughts below

I’m...actually really disappointed Miklan died? I dunno if there’s a way to speed through the map and prevent him from dying although the wiki suggests his death is scripted into the story itself so...yeah. But I was really hoping for an honest effort from the writers at a proper redemption arc, but instead they fell back on the tried and true “redemption equals death” trope which is...honestly an exhausted and boring trope in my personal opinion. I wanna see a character who did terrible things suffer and work to atone for their deeds and truly move forward to become a better person, even if (or especially if) the people they wronged don’t forgive them, because that’s a much more interesting story to me than “actually they could have been a better person, but lost their life in being better (i.e. by defending something important to the protagonists)”. It’s just...eh. Miklan was so much more interesting in Hopes than he was in Houses, and his arc could have been so much more compelling, but instead I got stuck with this. Well, I suppose it’s better than the “actually he turns traitor and joins Edelgard bc she promises him whatever bc of her meritocracy-based ideology” which would have been objectively worse in my opinion, so there’s that I guess.

That said, aside from the hiccup of whatever the fuck is going on with Sothis’s characterization, which I lowkey hate, most of the character writing and story writing so far is really strong. I think it’s interesting the game allows you to recruit certain characters from the enemy army, but a few of them (mainly Dorothea) will call Shez out being like “sure, death or betrayal were my only options and I don’t want to die so I guess I have to betray the people I love what the fuck dude” which is...a bit more nuanced than what I’ve come to expect from any FE writing. But for the Lions kids in general, I really think the writing works well, especially for Felix and Sylvain whom I had mixed feelings about in Houses. I mean, everyone still needs like, fantasy therapy, but still, I like most of the writing so far. Kinda sad that Cyril isn’t playable still, and same goes to Hanneman since given how Sylvain’s writing is going, a support between him and Hanneman would have been fascinating, but the base game is immense, so I’m not unhappy.

Oh, but on the note of characters, Linhardt’s dad looks like a muppet. Also he’s too tall, why is he that tall. I’m loving the new unique characters (esp. since so many minor lords are just generic unit NPCs, rip), but some of these designs are uh...very much some designs alright. I don’t mean that in a bad way though.

Not sure how I feel about whatever is going on w/ Edelgard, since she seems a lot less present as a villain, but hopefully now that the writing team has an idea of what they actually want to do with her, maybe her writing will actually be consistent instead of whatever the mess of Houses’ writing was. I am enjoying the layers of conspiracy though, the Agarthans actually seem like proper villains with story clout now, and I am loving it.

Anyhow, I’m very excited to see where the story goes from here, the game’s been great so far and now that I’ve broken in the mechanics I’m having a lot of fun with the battles as well. Kinda disappointed I can’t fuse weapons at the smith like I could in other Warriors games, but I’ve been able to create some pretty powerful weapons regardless of the smithing limits. Can’t believe the game got me to actually use the expedition function either, since I never touched the tea party mechanic in Houses but once. Actually I suck at talking with characters, but there are some interesting bits of lore hidden in the expedition convos. Hopefully the scripts get lifted and posted somewhere so I can read them all at my leisure.

So now, onward, with...way more characters than I ever needed since the game keeps giving them to me.

[justauthoring]

The Words I Didn’t Mean

Prompt: Hi!!!! Would you be able to write a Bokuto x reader fic where they had an argument the night before a game. The reader ends up being really late to the game, so Bokuto is worried that they want to ends things with him and won’t be showing up at all. He is in his emo mode and the whole team is trying to help. Nothing works until the reader finally shows up and they have a happy ending!! Requested by: anonymous.

A/N: It got a lil rushed at the end :( but I hope you still like it! Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou x F!Reader

"He won't want to see me."

Kaori sighs, her grip on your shoulders never relenting as she continues to shove you forward. "You're being silly."

Planting the heels of your feet firmly into the ground, you effectively stop her constant pushing (pushing around the big baby known as Bokuto has definitely made you stronger then you were before), spinning around to face her. "I'm not," you huff, voice sharp, before sighing at the look she sends you.

Crossing your arms over your chest, you bite your lip, looking down at your feet. "I'm really not," you whisper, voice cracking at the end of it despite yourself. You promptly choose to ignore the pitiful look the third year manager sends you, glancing behind you at the doors to the game, where you knew Bokuto was. "He was really upset with me last night. I've never seen him that angry."

"Then, why'd you come?"

Blinking, you turn back to Kaori, eyes wide.

She just shakes her head; "you say he doesn't want to see you. Well, then, why'd you come?"

Flushing faintly, you fiddle with your fingers, biting your lip. "I dunno," you mumble, voice barely audible. "It felt weird not to come to one of his games. I've been to every one since we started dating."

Sighing, Kaori lets her arms fall to her sides, taking a small step towards you. "Look, I don't know what happened last night, but he does want to see you." And at the look of disbelief you send her, she quickly adds. "He does. He'd been a nervous wreck before the game, waiting for you to come. And when you didn't, he got even worse. Coach literally had to swap him out."

Your eyes widen even further at that. Bokuto was known for having his 'emo' modes, but it was very, very rarely ever bad enough that Coach had to take the captain off the court. He was Fukurodani's star player, and when he did get into one of his modes, he didn't take very long to give him the determination to get back into it.

But to be sent to the bench?

Maybe Bokuto was more upset then you thought he was.

"I'm not asking you to choose, I just--!"

"That's exactly what it sounds like," Bokuto interrupts, voice harsh and cutting as he glares at you. "You know how important these next few weeks are. I can't slack off on training!"

"I'm not telling you to slack off!" You all but scream back, your emotions getting the best of you as you all but forget to think rationally. "I'm just asking you that you tell me what days you're training, so I can at least be there!"

Bokuto huffs, and the action is so odd for the normally exuberant and bright-eyed boy that even in your distress state, it has your heart panging painfully.

"You'll just be a distraction."

But nothing hurts more then those words.

Lips parting, you struggle to the find the words. Bokuto has never said such hurtful words before, nor do you both ever really get into arguments. However, what has you railing is the fact that up until this point, you'd thought that your presence at both games and training had been comforting to Bokuto.

He always talked about how he loved having you there, loved being able to show off what he'd learned or perfected. He'd always told you that you being there made him feel like he was at his best.

Was that all just a lie?

“Oh,” is all you finally manage. All anger and frustration from before just dissipates with a single blink of the eye, and your heart hurts as you step back, moving to turn. 

You don’t say anything. You don’t see the realization that dawns on Bokuto’s face, of what he said, of how he hurt you, and you promptly ignore the way he calls after you when you rush out of the school gym doors, wanting nothing more then to just be alone.

It’s why you came late to the game.

You spent over a half hour debating on if you should come, after having gotten ready already. When you’d finally managed to convince yourself to come, and had arrived at the gym, you’d been about to turn around and go back home when Kaori had found you. 

Bokuto had told you you were a distraction. So, you hardly doubt he’d want you at one of the most important games of the season.

Still, you couldn’t deny that it hurt your heart a little at the thought of not being there for him. 

“Just... Just please, go in and you’ll see.” 

Turning back to Kaori, you sigh. “Fine.”

So, mustering up all your courage and strength, you make your way towards the gym, this time of your own free will, pushing the doors open with a sharp inhale. The game is in motion when you walk in, the sounds of cheering and the volleyball being smacked around the first thing you hear. As you walk past the benches, Kaori right behind you, you’re steered towards Fukurodani’s side.

You’re not allowed onto the court, but Kaori is quick to rush towards the coaches and Bokuto.

You frown when you see him; his back is turned to you, but you notice the specific notions and features that you tell you everything Kaori had said was true. His back is slouched, and his arms hang pitifully by his sides. His hair drops at the edges, turning downwards, and even though you can’t see his face, you can imagine the pout and the disappointed look in his eyes.

Kaori reaches him, and you can’t hear what she’s saying, but she’s rapidly poking him on the shoulders, until he finally looks up at her and then in the direction she points; you.

You inhale sharply when his eyes meet yours, and you offer a nervous smile, terrified that he’ll be upset that you’re here. Or worse, he’ll be angry. The two of you never made up from the night before, what if you were the absolute last person he wanted to see right now?

Not to mention, he’d made it perfectly clear; you were a distraction.

But, instead, his eyes brighten, and he sits up and there’s an almost sparkle that radiates around him as a bright grin crosses his features. He looks ecstatic, and almost like he wants to bolt from his spot on the bench next to the coach to you, but Kaori holds him firm in the spot, whispering something to him.

You glance at the score board, wincing when you realize the opposite team was about to take the second set and win the game.

Turning back to Bokuto, you realize he’s standing and the coach is debriefing him; which means he’s going back onto the court. Swallowing thickly, you move to find a seat, easily finding one near the front, close to Fukurodani’s side of the court. And the minute you sit, Bokuto’s already looking at you, a hopeful look in his eyes.

Mustering up a smile, you nod at him, giving him a thumbs up.

They take the second set, and then, the third.

Everybody cheering for Fukurodani lets out a collective sigh of relief, and even though you hadn’t been there to see it; from what you’d gathered the first half of the game had been stressful to say the least. Everyone was in shock to see Fukurodani’s star ace so out of sorts and not on his a-game which left you feeling a little guilty.

What were you suppose to think, though? After what Bokuto had said to you?

But, when the games over, and you’re left wondering if you should approach Bokuto or just go home; you’re almost completely knocked off your feet by the large body that comes flying at you. Your name leaves Bokuto’s lips in a cry and suddenly he’s engulfing you completely, pulling you close against you and practically leaving you no breathing room.

“I didn’t mean it,” he all but spits out, as if rushed for you to understand. “What I said,” Bokuto pulls back, holding you tight by the shoulders as he looks pleadingly at you. “Please, I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I was just frustrated with it all and nervous for this game and I wasn’t thinking. And I hurt you. I really hurt you, and when you left last night, I didn’t know if I should’ve gone after you. But I thought, I should let you have your space and then you weren’t here--

“Ko. Ko!” You call, interrupting him as you desperately shake your head. He falls silent to a halt, and your hands fall on his chest, gripping his admittedly sweaty jersey inbetween your fingers, shaking your head. “It’s okay,” you whisper, meeting his gaze. “I’m sorry too. I... I wasn’t being fair.”

“No,” he adamantly shakes his head. “You were just trying to be there for me, and I pushed you aside. I’m sorry. And Y/N?”

Gently tipping your gaze up at him, Bokuto smiles down at you.

“You’re not a distraction. You never could be. You make me a better player, you help me do better. I need you.”

And honestly, that was all you wanted to hear.

Eyes watering slightly, you lick your lips; “you mean it?”

“Yes,” he whispers, “a million times over.”

Leaning into him, you let out a sigh of relief; “thank god,” you let out shakily. “Because I love coming to your training and games, I love being there for you, even if I can’t actually be with you. Just watching is enough for me.”

Squeezing you tightly, Bokuto nods; “it’s more then enough.”

[belphies-cuhm-sluht]

If It Means That Much To You (Mammon x GN!Reader) Slight Angst -> Fluff

I realize now that if I had written this last night and Levi's tonight, I could have posted in the order of the brothers... but I goofed up on that... Whoops! It's slightly angsty, just the teeniest tiniest bit, but soft Mammon is so sweet. I don't write enough for him, feel kinda bad for skimping out on Mammon fics. So here's a Mammon fic!

Word Count : 1.7K Warnings : Slight angst;

The smile spread across your face as you swiped through the pictures that you had taken with your boyfriend. You both looked happy, and it wasn’t fake like those other couples that you had seen way too many times back in the human realm. This was the first time in what seemed like your entire life that you had been one hundred percent, without a doubt, happy. You had someone who loved you more than words would ever let him express, but he didn’t need words to tell you, he always showed you that he did, whether it be through the way he would hold you, or even just the way he looked at you. The way his lips would crash against yours whenever he saw you after being apart for five minutes or more. Even the way that he looked at you, you could see the emotion, so raw, you could feel it, you could almost hear it, just by looking into his eyes. His love, and his adoration for you was unmatched, other than by your own feelings towards him.

It was a perfect relationship, anyone would be able to tell just by looking at the two of you together. They would be able to see it through the multitude of pictures that you took together, pictures that he would never let you upload. Every picture was taken within the House of Lamentation, or somewhere deep in the garden behind the house, places where no one other than his brothers would ever find out that the two of you were together. It never really bothered you, not enough to bring it up to him at least. Lately though, it had been getting under your skin a little more than usual. It could have something to do with the fact that his latest modeling gig had garnered new fans for him, which should have been a good thing, but reading through their comments on his Devilgram posts had bugged you more than it should. He wasn’t the type to feed into their comments, whether they were raunchy or sweet, he would reply with a simple “Thank You” to as many as he could. You on the other hand, you weren’t allowed to comment on any of his posts, and while he hadn’t explained why that was, you just went along with it. At least you could still like them, and that was enough for you, at least up until now.

“Hey Mams, isn’t this picture cute?” You asked, idly flipping through the latest pictures you had taken together. They were taken in his bed after a long night of… fun… Both of you looked especially worn out, but the smiles on your faces were honest, sincere, and you loved waking up next to each other. His and your hair was completely messed up, and neither of you cared. It wasn’t a modeling shot, but it still looked perfect. You wanted to show him off, show the rest of the Devildom that he was yours and you were his, show them how lucky you were, and what better photo to use than one where you’ve woken up together. “I was thinking of uploading it to-”

Those words had caught his attention, drawing his eyes away from his own phone where he was scrolling through more comments and liking them, giving them the basic reply. The thought of you uploading anything like that though had made him stop, and now he was grabbing your phone from your hands and slipping it into his pocket. “Ya don’t haveta upload nothin’. I know we’re happy, so da you… nobody else needs ta know.” He smiled at you as if his words would actually make you feel better, and most of the time they did. It’s not that he was wrong, and maybe demons didn’t fully understand the concept of essentially showing the world that they were happy, that they had found love and being excited about that, but in the human realm it was a normal thing.

“Alright… I’m gonna go get myself some breakfast… you want anything?” You didn’t want to argue with him about it, you didn’t want to blow it up into something that it didn’t need to be, so changing the subject entirely was the best option. You pushed yourself up off the couch and started heading towards the door, grabbing your jacket off the edge of the bed on your way over. You turned back to face him, to see if he was going to answer your question, and he was turned completely around on the couch, pouting up at you. “You don’t have to worry, Mammon. I’m taking Beel with me.” Which was something you always did when you went to get breakfast… or really any food related item. Mammon was one who worried about your safety often, and since he didn’t like going out in public places with you, he would always tell you to have one of his brothers take you.

His pout only grew as his eyebrows lowered, crossing his arms over his chest. You weren’t really sure what he was trying to do or why he was even doing it, but you were hungry, and you really wanted to know if he wanted anything so you could get going. “Well… just remember who yer first demon was. Beel ain’t no better than me.” He huffed before turning back around and you were left in the doorway feeling nothing but confusion. You weren’t even sure what he meant by that, it made absolutely no sense to you. Obviously you thought Mammon was the better brother out of them all, you wouldn’t put up with so much of his crazy antics or try so hard to keep him out of trouble if he wasn’t your favorite. He also never had a problem with Beel taking you before, so you weren’t quite sure why it was a problem now. “Tell ya no and ya wanna go runnin’ off ta get food with Beel…”

“You know… I can still hear you.” He had whispered the last part, but his whispering sounded more like breathy screaming, especially when he was irritated by something… something that he shouldn’t even be irritated by. “I can go with Asmo or Satan… It doesn’t have to be Beel.” He groaned at the other two brother choices and now you were getting irritated. You didn’t know what he wanted, you were confused, and you were hungry, and he wasn’t explaining anything, and it was just really really annoying. “I don’t know what you want! You don’t want to be seen together, you don’t want me to leave the house by myself, and you don’t want me to leave the house with your brothers either. What do you want?”

His head whipped around so he could face you again, his eyebrows quivering slightly as he looked at you, his voice softer now. “I never said I didn’t wanna be seen with ya…” He sighed, shaking his head. “I just didn’t want anything ta happen…” You weren’t sure what he meant, or what could possibly happen if the two of you were seen together. Simple Devilgram photos couldn’t be enough to stir up problems, could they?

That’s when your brain, your already ticked off and, at this point, hangry brain started piecing together the puzzle, or at least, you thought you were piecing it together. “You mean you didn’t want your fans to get upset… If they saw a picture of you with someone they’d stop giving you likes and commenting on your posts.” His eyes narrowed as he listened to your assumption. He was shocked and even… hurt… that you’d think that that was why he didn’t want you to be seen with him. What was more upsetting was that he had apparently, at some point, given you reason to believe that he cared more about his fan base than he did about you.

He got up off the couch quickly, practically running to you and pulling you into his arms. You weren’t sure if you were just hearing things or if he was actually crying, or maybe he was coming down with a cold… but you could definitely hear him sniffling. “It ain’t about them… It’s about you…” He took a shaky breath, and that slightly verified your thoughts that he was crying, or at least on the verge of it. His hand held the back of your head, keeping your face buried in his chest so that you couldn’t see him, but you could still hear him, his voice vibrating his chest as he spoke. “I owe lotsa Grimm ta lotsa people… demons… witches… I dunno if they’d try ta snatch ya up… take ya away from me ta get their money back…” He finally took a step back, cupping your face lightly as you finally looked up at him. “I don’t want nothin’ ta happen to ya… I don’t wanna lose ya, Y/N…”

“Mammon… I-” You felt awful, terrible for even assuming that he would care more about his fans than your feelings. You had never once thought that he was doing it to look out for you, to take care of you because you meant that much to him… Because he loved you. Sometimes you fail to remember that he was greedy, and he did like to gamble, and usually that money came from other people's pockets. It was hard to remember because with you he was completely different, he never asked for your money and all of your dates were free, spent in his room or the living room or the gardens just enjoying your time together. Everything he did… he did it for you.

“It’s okay… If it means that much ta ya… Upload the pic… If it makes ya happy… I’ll even go out with ya… keep ya safe. No one messes with The Great Mammon’s human…” He smiled proudly, and you let out a small giggle as you shook your head. You didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already did about you, he didn’t need that.

“I know we’re happy… You know we’re happy… No one else needs to know… Right?” The words that he had said earlier made more sense now. You both were happy, and if anyone else knew, it could potentially ruin both of your happiness.

Things were perfect just the way they were. You had the perfect relationship, and it meant way more to you than a little picture being uploaded onto the internet.