#-when it came to designs lol) it's fun to think abt how to put my own spin on things.

[welcometogrouchland]

Oh my god. The way that you draw toh characters is exactly how they should look and people should be taking notes when they see your art. My soul is going to leave my body and I will only imagine them as the way you have drawn them. Your art is amazing and I'm going to go internally (metaphorically) explode now (/gen) (positive connotations)

I had to wait a good while to answer this BC I've been busy out of town but now I have a moment's rest I can say:

[ID: four reaction images- one is an MSPaint doodle of a figure with big eyes looking up at you smiling, the second is a photograph of a dressed up monkey with its hand on its cheek, the third is a little girl crying with motion blur and heart emojis edited over, and the last an MSPaint doodle of a figure hunched over crying as heart emojis are edited over their tears. End ID]

[mayordoi]

songwriting with meiko 🎙️

i have a few things to comment abt this which will be isolated under the cut so the post doesnt get too bloated :] mainly small hcs about meiko/kaito/miku hhhh

an idea that briefly popped in my head when i was brushing my teeth that i did not want to let get away. it was ambitious and i liked the concept of using my hc'd versions of the younger crypton vocaloids (miku's beta design and meiko/kaito's v1 designs) interacting with each other, so i went for it. i designed the general vibe of the background in animal crossing, ol reliable for these kinds of things, since i knew i wanted to cram as much detail in the environment as i could. i made a post about it on my personal account here since i was quite proud of this build.

as i was decorating, i kept spontaneously making headcanons for the younger meiko/kaito/miku unit in order to understand how to populate their living space with accurate clutter. i ended up totally overdecorating the whole thing and only referenced a small portion of the interior (like, why'd i go so hard on thinking about the yard? thats just what happens when i try taking this route) but i did like some of the ideas i came up with to explain my decorative choices. here's just a ramble.

oh yeah i guess i should get something i mentioned in the tags of that art i made w all the crypton gang's "younger" versions out of the way: i hc the character vocal gangs' "younger" designs to be their "IF" or beta designs. and meiko and kaito's younger versions are their V1 designs, mainly inspired by how they appear in the earlier project diva games (every time i look at them i just see them as awkward teens still trying to figure out who they are lmao)

also mentioned there that sakine meiko and meiko are one in the same and the fanloid and vocaloid arent separate entities. sakine meiko was meiko in her early music career as a relatable teen pop idol, with the "sakine" family name being made up to create that image. once meiko grew into an adult, she put the persona behind and just went by meiko, and around that time she met kaito and theyd be musical partners for a while

meiko sort of adopts miku into their unit when she recognizes her potential and serves as a mentor to her after then. kaito is the same but acts more as a supportive guardian in comparison. rin, len, and luka would come along later of course.

yeah i really fuck with the idea of the crypton gang being a little family :] i think it's neat! and this art/animal crossing build was a fun way to explore that hc a little

meiko is a physical media fiend, especially for music. loves collecting cds and vinyls and the like; they're littered all over the house. loves rock music too

kaito on the other hand has a knack for gardening and tends to the very modest garden outside their house. also collects a lot of art he finds in thrift marts and such for novelty's sake

miku always dedicated herself to improving her craft and finding her voice thanks to the help of meiko. she was also kind of a nerd at this era. very serious and dedicated

these folks did not know how to clean shit up, everything left lying on the floor ends up being an intentional decoration (probably not clear in this but i did like scattering stuff around to the best of my ability in the AC build)

ummm that’s it for now i guess i had less than i expected? but i’m glad to get this down somewhere lol feel free to share your own hcs if you wish, i love hearing them

[chikaoofka]

helloooo you rbd the "ask me about my ocs" post from me so i am here to ask you abt them (even if you said youre not good at answering them. 😔🤝😔)

i would like to know... anything! about ur ocs :] but i know from experience vauge questions r hard to answer so maybe some trivia? like, howd you choose their names or designs. thatd be cool doesnt have to be the sol ones either !! or i think ur sol ones are also repurposed ones? so their original forms would be cool too. either way i would find it interesting :D

you are so nice to me

AND YOU KNOW ACTUALLY? NAMES & DESIGNS I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF JUST NOW "OH THEY AREN'T THAT INTERESTING" THEN I REMEMBERED NO? THEY BOTH HAVE NAME-AND-DESIGN STORIES? that I find funny anyway........

also i realise how long this is IM PUTTING IT UNDER A READ MORE.

the readmore fucking MOVED?

& ONLY cassius was repurposed . though like before SoL he was . essentially nothing . rotting in my beloveds toyhouse-folder w TWO images (NOW HE'S GOT THE MOST IN MY TH AT... 40...) because I didnt know what to do with him (and it's like... i don't wanna move him out D:) & then i made him in SoL and i think a neuron fired or something idk what happend . the moment I drew him w short hair it all went downhill i think . Anyway, so original cassius, he's named after (coughs) Cassius by Foals . I SAY THIS EVERY OTHER DAY I FEEL "LISTEN TO CASSIUS BY FOALS" (LINKED, THIS TIME.) BUT HE CAME ABOUT COS I SAW A TEMPT6T VIDEO WITH UHH

SOMEONE AS THE GEN 4 GUITARIST. AND FOR DAYS I WAS IN A STATE OF LIKE... ILLNESS? "I NEED TO NAME SOME OC CASSIUS" (....) "I WANNA MAKE THAT GUY AN OC" (....) oh mon dieu now there's a blonde guy in my brain . what the fuck . what the hell? who let him in dude dude dude dude what the hell . tangent but he even was in a band. at first. cos of course he was . a band, fun fact, based on AN OLD POKEMON BAND I HAD . WHICH I HADN'T TOUCHED IN YEARS . BUT cassius was based (i say based loosely) on a shiny minccinno/cincinno named "S I N" so that's fun & the bassist (i.e.) the only other one i . sketched (half-finished?) . i wanna say "oh haha he looks like alfie but with glasses on" but he doesn't . not at all ??? he would have had the same colour hair though. so that's like... the exact same character then

see. him? i wanted to put him here he hasn't seen the light of day in months . ok . where was i . oh yeah this was dropped pretty quickly cos i didnt know what to do with them LOL. now long-haired cassius has been repurposed AGAIN to be cassius' older brother in........the loathingverse! which is cool :-)

& even like i tried so hard to make him fit with the song back when but it NEVER worked and then he gets LOATHING'D AND NOW HE FITS? what the hell man

.

also alfie. alfie oh my god alfie can i say? can i start? do not look at me strangely for this but

this was who he was based on. alfie from fucking blue y . i dont know how i found him nor why i wanted to make a character named alfie because of it but i did AND i needed a name for my achievement hunter (which i portmanteaued, horribly, into his last name) save file(s). So alfie achivunter it was.......... and AND THIS IS WHY HE'S LIKE. THE "DOG GUY". and thats why he looked like THIS at one point :

but i was making his ref & i was like. dear lord this looks atrocious . so im pretty sure i colourpicked from like . ron inside job or something (i distinctly remember being like "this sucks" "what if i made him look like ron instead" & i did) instead and now he looks NORMAL except NOW HE LOOKS LIKE CONNOR SCP CONTAINMENT AND RON INSIDE JOB???? like okay i feel mental every time i say this but like come ON . COME ON?

the Exact Same Man. ok???? i feel like a detective gone mental pointing to a board with red threads and photos like DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S ALL CONNECTED!!! THEY LOOK THE FUCKING SAME!!!!!!! THESE THREE LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh and fun fact alfie is short for alfred he really cannot win . have i said this before? i probably have

& one last thing I guess

these little dots beneath the eyes . it basically means he's got a little evil in him OR really, IMPOSSIBLE TO GET FORESHADOWING. unless you .... know...... the cosmosdex??? yeah. i thought itd fit AND right beneath ALL OF MY OTHER INSANITY. WITH AN ACTUAL LITTLE TRIVIA POINT? HUUUUM. OKAY?

[isabelguerra]

you ran the wizard au right? i remembered i used to love the worldbuilding!!!! and the fic series (both if them) were sooo fun, if you ever wrote more i know id read it 👉👈…. so um i know there was a triwiz tournament year, did u ever come up with outfits for the yule ball? i love fashion and am really interested in hearing what you’d have everyone wear haha. thank you for answering!!!

SIGH. yeah that was me i ran the hogwarts au. i cannot run from my past i just gotta embrace it. anyway im super touched to hear u liked my au… my feelings around it are super conflicted but even though i dont talk abt it much it was really sweet hearing how much you liked it. so yes. yes i did come up with yule ball outfits, for the triwizard tournament arc in their 6th year, which i will share for u bc u asked so sweet 

first off: my biggest gripe with yule in canon was how boring it was. these are fucking wizards. i was not going to let that shit get away with black robed suits and prom dresses i wanted full ass met gala-level Extra, while still staying faithful to the characters tastes and personalities. so i ended up looking at a bunch of runway couture! heres what i came up with: 

isabel, as the heir to the prestigious guerra family name, quidditch captain, brightest witch of their year, and max (hogwarts champion)’s date (they went together for appearances as bffs and bc neither of them got actual dates), had a lot of pressure on her shoulders socially. i wanted her 2 have something she could feel natural in but a little restricted by, as she likely had her dress chosen for her rather than chose it herself. so she likes it but it reflects her wizarding world status more than her actual personality. it also goes 2 be said that the night before yule she stayed up hand folding a bunch of paper cranes and butterflies for her dress that would fly around her all night. loved Teuta Matoshi, Joanne Flemming bridal, and vintage Costarellos designs 4 her

max was hogwarts champion that year obviously which means he had to have the most swag out of anyone. obviously. i was super into butch lesbian max when i made this so his inspos were primarily womens suits. he was the only one i let have a black outfit bc i cant see him being super fashionably flashy. vibe i went for was ‘shiny goth swag’, which Isabel Marant SS2020 and D&G pre-Fall 2020 really hit the nail on the head

ed was probably the most fun+ easiest. i just dressed them weird. also idk if i mentioned this but ed and rj went to yule together lol? #nonbinaryswag. my fav look for them was #1, D&G Spring RTW 2020. i love that shiny suit. i do also think he’d fuck it up in the dress at the end though

isaac i went so ridiculous with isaac you know he’d be so extra. Balmain FW2016 really pulled through with the velvet fabrics, squared shoulders, and gold accents. my other looks were Louis Vuitton Fall 2020, which were a bit sillier but i still loved for him

spender fucks it up in a chadwick boseman met gala 2018. he does not pull it off as well but what can u do 

EXTRAS bc idk if u just meant outfits for Just the main cast or for everyone. so here’s some bonus outfits for other cast members :-)

johnny is one of the few muggle-born wizards i chose from the cast, so his outfit would’ve reflected that slight displacement and more attunement to the human world. i loved 2 joke w my friends that getting johnny in ANY fancy outfit would be hard, and even if u could get him in one he’s still wear his iconic ratty leather jacket over his nice clothes anyway. so johnny got two pics: one from Balenciaga Spring 2018 (love the dorky high waisted pants and patterned red dress shirt combo), and another from Coach Spring 2017 (love the jacket). he also deffo charmed his hair to Literally Be On Fire until one of the professors told him to put it out. he also let loose a racoon in the venue while nobody was looking.

stephen 100% hamish bowles met gala no further comment

rj showed up w/ ed looking like this

[casualtydept]

I enjoy seeing your content :) can I ask abt skullface heacanons? do you have a real name for him? how do u think his life would have turned out if his village hadn't been destroyed? mm what else.. oh why is he so into the cowboy aesthetic do u think? sorry if this is too much lol but not enough ppl talk about skullface. he's an interesting guy. and u seem to have a lot of thoughts (/pos!) so let's hear em 💀

omg!! i'm not sure which is more flattering, that you like seeing my weird art or that you actually want to hear about my weird monster husband!

i ended up writing so very much here and i am so very sorry.

in terms of real names i haven't put too much thought into it because i imagine he just disowned any concept of a real name when he embraced the whole skull face thing but i have a list of first names i've been considering lmao (jános, józsef, lajos, probably more i've forgotten)

it's really hard to say what his life would have been like if the bombing hadn't happened; obviously a lot of his rage and loss of identity comes from that, but it wouldn't change what happened to hungary and the loss of language he experienced. i guess he'd react to it differently since he'd presumably be less nihilistic and still have his humanity intact, but he might be a bit less driven to REVENGE.

i have so many thoughts about his early life an assassin (using his appearance to his advantage to blend into the dark and evade identification, not fearing the consequences because he can't feel pain, using parasites supplied by the philosophers to kill people with, just generally being a reckless rage-filled teenager/young adult) and all of these really hinge on him being burned alive and the aftermath of that, so if it hadn't happened he'd probably live a pretty normal life comparatively! he could probably have still ended up in the west eventually, maybe even still meeting zero in the SAS. much to think about.

anyway the cowboy thing!!! kojima has incredible taste and as such a lot of the characters in mgs have designs based on my favourite actor, lee van cleef, known for the best spaghetti westerns ever made. skull face is one of those characters. in particular he dresses very similarly to the character lvc plays in for a few dollars more, colonel mortimer, who is a bounty hunter hunting down the guy responsible for the death of his sister. it's a film about revenge but he's portrayed very cool and heroic.

so. i like to imagine zero eventually managed to start roping skull face into his movie nights with para-medic. when for a few dollars more came out it Spoke to him, both in the sense that Revenge Is Cool and Lee Van Cleef Is Very Cool, and he started dressing like that as a result.

in more of a meta sense though, skull face's look is so interesting to me - it's all representative of his loss of his cultural identity and an attempt to create one of his own, and above all it's all totally fake. there are so many layers to it too! most of it is built on the looks of fictional heroes (particularly vigilante heroes like mortimer and zorro), an effort to convince himself what he's doing is right, that he's actually saving the world and righting wrongs. there's also the fact all parts of his look centre around america (spaghetti westerns are italian-made, but they're all still portrayals of america + parts of the Look come from american westerns too), so no matter how hard he tries to be like "america's cultural hegemony is evil and i have to destroy it" he finds himself influenced by it too! fun.

so the western look is in many ways him trying to portray himself as a rebellious hero, but in doing so he's just losing his identity further.

this got absurdly long and i am so sorry, but thank you for giving me this opportunity to spew thoughts about him! i do not get chances like this often lmao. nobody else wants to talk about him so i gotta make up for it on my own 💀

[minecraftsz]

i’m a simple man i see technoblade and i pog. but after scrolling through most of the takes on the dash i wanna share my thoughts :) kinda long lol

i really liked it! it was a pretty fun stream! i think it dragged and got a bit repetitive during the whole “we’re going to stop you! oh - oh...” thing at the end tho because like the main gist of that was just. the egg is more powerful than any of these guys, which probably could have been established faster? like the two with the most impact were hannah switching sides + telling the eggpire abt the armor and foolish trying and failing to smite the egg, because that led to him taking eret’s place. it was ridiculous though, which was fun enough to make it pretty much a non-issue.

i think q coming in was cool, and i see a lot of people being bummed abt skeppy not being mentioned at all. which i kinda agree with. but i think this was really impactful (as long as you know bbh) just because through quackity’s repetition that the egg CLEARLY isn’t giving him anything it’s made obvious to the audience that EVERYONE knows this - like, bad would know if he wasn’t gaining anything (he’s not stupid!), so there must be some motivation the other characters aren’t aware of. which we know! it’s skeppy! it’s so obviously skeppy! bad is with the egg because of skeppy, which makes it frustrating - for us and for him - for quackity and everyone else to just not see that, and to not even try to see that. it reinforces this conflict between them and garners sympathy for bad, and i think it creates this really interesting character dynamic precisely because it seems like q really does care about bad! (like, if you care about him so much, why aren’t you trying to see his side?)

however. we’ve seen an interaction like this two or three times now - it doesn’t develop much, it just reinforces what was already there. it would have been really cool if bad spoke up and told quackity why he was still with the egg (and for q to actually listen), or if skeppy appeared - or honestly if anything changed? but most of these characters came into the banquet with the same amount of knowledge they had leaving it. it’s still us v them, with little sympathy from either side.

as for techno. i cant speak bad of him so sorry if this is biased. but i thought him allying with q did one really important thing: it showed just how much of a threat the egg was. for techno to get involved with the guy that used state violence to execute him? it shows how dangerous people think it is! and that probably puts a little too much focus on techno Within the egg arc - like, if THIS guy cares enough, well then it’s ACTUALLY a threat! - and tbh idk if im a huge fan of that. i am like a designated technoblade stan though so i wont lie and say that i didn’t get really excited when he showed up, and honestly i do hope he gets more involved just from a syndicate perspective? like, the egg is a massive, oppressive threat, and it would be weird if the Anarchist Book Club didn’t do anything about it. i wish hed have brought weapons for niki. theyre allies :( i just hope that if techno does get involved it’s a little more balanced, which might be difficult considering how different their rp styles are (campy vs nonchalant).

(omg tho. bad after the banquet reconsidering everything was such a good moment)

ok overall i am sad the eggpire lost! i wish they had a big win now that would necessitate someone else coming in like q and techno did later. maybe if they killed some more people. maybe if the smp members shed a little more skin. you know. i was hoping for this to be the coin drop dream was talking abt a little while ago but i guess not T_T it was a fun stream! but i wish more happened

[littlebabycrybtch]

bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health’ or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality. 

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person. 

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !! 

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

[this-onegoes]

I remember a post abt liking ed sheeran's early music and nothing else by him, and i thought i was the inly one! Grace, what are ed sheeran songs that you like????

DUDE. let’s travel back to 2011, when + first came out. I fucking LOVED that album. it was so very underdog dude, talking about his feelings, but not leaning too heavy. and Ed truly WAS an underdog at the time, he did some EPs before that, but this was like his big debut. (before later when he went too far, and was constantly talking about being uncool, not attractive, “I Don’t Care” and “New Man” and “Beautiful People” shit awful nonsense.) his songs were organic, but also produced so so so well. his songs were featured in huge TV episodes which I think helped. I also really like x, it was ÷ that really bummed me out. I think I deleted like over half of that album from my iTunes because it was garbage.

my absolute favorites of ed sheeran, mostly before he started playing stadiums and made me dislike most of his entire persona, vibe, etc:

The A Team Give Me Love Lego House Drunk (STILL fucking vibe to this song when I’m driving, all the time) Kiss Me The City UNI Little Bird Afire Love Thinking Out Loud (admit it, even before it became a Wedding Song, v good) Bloodstream (the WLD anthem) Tenerife Sea!!!!! I See Fire Don’t Sing I’m A Mess Nina All of the Stars

OH and Shape of You, remember his Grammy performance in 2017? his super simple breakdown, him using the loop pedal, his own voice for the back ground vocals, the entire process of how he could loop an entire song LIVE at the fucking Grammys. I still watch it to this day when I’m bored.

I think from ÷ I only liked Castle on the Hill (I sing this when I drive and am missing home, I can’t lie), Happier, and Save Myself (heavy handed but truthful in the Famous Person experience I bet). Eraser is alright. the rest, trash. forgettable. he tried to do weird, wacky sounds he hadn’t done before, but they were not executed well. Bibia Be Ye Ye is playing in the farthest depths of hell as we speak.

For No.6 Collaborations Project, a lot of it is fun. I enjoy it if I don’t think about it much, and the high points are the features, not Ed lol. which I’m sure was by design on his part, but also super sad. how Ed has fallen, sigh. I’m FOR SURE all about Take Me Back to London (for Stormzy), Antisocial (Travis Scott sounds fucking AMAZING in this song), and Put It All on Me (Ella Mai!)

aaaaand thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, super glad he’s decided to disappear for awhile. too saturated, not enough substance to his music the last few years. too much Bieber. not enough Ed. Byeeeeeee.

[yuthoe]

Schedule Changes (PENTAGON: Adachi Yuto)

HELLO, IT’S 12:48AM AND I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF.

I had to churn this out because it won’t leave my head. I’d like to thank my irl friend @shiiiiiiiiinwun for inspiring me to write this collection (yes, I’m gonna be doing one for all of ot9). And for someone who’s been watching anime since she figured out how to use the internet, you’d think I could’ve come up with better names, and faster.

EDIT (06/29/20): Hi! it’s my first time making an edit like this, so i’m kinda insecure abt it lol, i hope it’s okay. this is the 2nd yuto version i did, so it’s slightly better than the first one. tumblr rlly doesn’t want us to go overboard on image size huh

WARNINGS: n/a; some angst, maybe? who’s proofreading idk her. WORD COUNT: 3,314 it’s so fucking long.

---

Minister Sakaguchi,

Unfortunately, Her Majesty will not be available for your meeting today at 3PM; urgent matters have arisen that need her immediate attention. If you would like to reschedule with her, please reply to this email.

Thank you very much for understanding.

Regards,

Y/N L/N

Secretary to the Queen

You sigh, wondering if the email you’ve typed is in the appropriate tone that won’t offend Minister Sakaguchi; in all the years you’ve been working for the royal family it doesn’t get easier writing and replying to the emails of government officials, invitations to interview Her Majesty for magazine features, requests to attend public functions like galas and balls. The ridiculous amount of mail she gets, that are automatically forwarded to you, is mind-boggling, in anyone else’s eyes. It doesn’t surprise you anymore, though.

The queen as a monarch takes the backseat to running the kingdom, to any foreigner that decides to take a look at articles from international news sources. Her name isn’t mentioned as much as the king’s when it comes to referencing big developments in the state. Rather, the local newspapers and online sites have her name and face on some article at least once a week. The queen takes care of the little things, smaller projects that delve more into social welfare than her husband’s institutional programs. She is a strong advocate for women’s and children’s rights, as well as a figure in health outreach programs for the poorer sectors of society. Her compassion and dedication to her job is what made you want to work for her; she was like a role model to you, along with her husband.

It was a stroke of pure luck that got you this job; your first day as the secretary for Minister Yamazaki turned into you being his substitute with only a day’s notice. He had gotten sick with the flu and you were immediately thrust into a role you knew almost nothing about. So you took all the files related to the subject of the meeting and studied up on them the night before, turning up the next day and pulling out opinions as if you yourself spearheaded the project. The queen, upon finding out that you were new, was so impressed and had talked to Minister Yamazaki (who was still in his sickbed) over the phone about enlisting you under her employ.

It’s been five years since then. Five fast-paced, fulfilling, exciting years working closely with the royal family. At this point, your relationship with the queen is more of a friendship than strictly professional, and you’re grateful for it. The people you interact with on a daily basis are mostly considerably older than you--ministers, program leaders, the palace staff--and the talk is all business. So you’re grateful for your weekend teatime with the queen, sometimes with her children joining you, who are some of the only people your age you talk to on a regular basis, apart from the younger maids and kitchen staff. The afternoons out in the garden are the queen’s time to unwind and review everything that happened the previous week, as well as scheduling the succeeding weeks. The stress of planning therefore comes to a head on Saturdays so the week can sail by calmly.

Today is one of those Saturdays. Minister Sakaguchi had scheduled a dinner meeting with the queen yesterday--something about the upcoming fair for disenfranchised women, although you suspect Minister Sakiguchi will try to sneak in pitches for other programs she has in mind. The queen had agreed, so you penciled in the meeting into your schedule. However, the queen seemed under the weather when she came out earlier, that you had advised her to cancel it, assuring her that Minister Sakiguchi would understand. 

The queen takes a sip of her favorite rosehip and lemon tea, fingers delicate on the porcelain, and you send the email, huffing out a sigh. You place your phone facedown on the glass table and take a sugar cookie from the plate. “Just sent the email, Your Majesty,” you say. “Now you can just focus on resting tonight.” You smile as you take a bite.

Your boss smiles as she replaces the teacup on its saucer. “Thank you,” she says, relaxing against the lounge chair. “To be honest, I didn’t think Minister Sakiguchi would talk so much about the fair anyway. She probably suggested a meeting to tell me more of her ideas for the women’s sector.” You smile. Bingo. “Is anything else scheduled for tomorrow?”

You glance at your open laptop, as well as the printed-out spreadsheet on your lap. It’s an organized mess of colors and times and places and people. “Just the charity gala tomorrow night. I’ve coordinated with Subaru and she said the king will be late by an hour. Will you go alone?”

She tilts her head in thought and hums. “I don’t want to be late. Is there anyone available?”

You click through the several pinned tabs on your laptop to the tab for the royal family’s shared schedule. “It seems Princess Akari is free, as well as Prince Yuto,” you say after a moment.

“Ah, Akari will be busy designing something for the fair, I think, so maybe she won’t want to go,” the queen muses.

“So you’ll just take the prince, then? I’ll contact Daiki and ask him to notify the prince.”

“No need,” a deep, disembodied voice comes in from somewhere in the hedges before Prince Yuto pops his head into view. He walks towards the table as you clear up a space for him, closing your binder and putting that on top of the clipboard among other printouts on one of the spare chairs between you and the queen.

The prince strides across the grass in his black dress pants and long-sleeved shirt, to greet his mother. He places his hands softly on her shoulders and leans down to give her a kiss on the cheek. The queen smiles and accepts the kiss, patting a hand over one of his; her mood instantly lifts, and her posture relaxes further. As the youngest son, she dotes on him a lot; he in turn always keeps his mother company and can rarely be seen in public not by her side or his father’s. You think their relationship is sweet, and so do the many news articles posted online about it.

Prince Yuto takes a seat on the only empty chair and fixes himself a cup of tea while saying, “What’s the gala for?”

“The orphanages in the farther provinces,” the queen says as she takes a saucer and stacks it high with dark chocolate-coated cookies, pushing the small plate at her son’s direction. “Some dignitaries from other kingdoms as well as celebrities will be attending. And I will announce the new scholarship program for our state schools. There’s a chance your father won’t make it, so I’d like a companion.”

“Of course I’ll go with you, Mother,” Prince Yuto says after swallowing a bite of cookie. He turns to you. “What time is it?”

“Call time for the royals and major government officials is 7PM, and the program starts at 7:30. I’ll contact Daiki with the details as well,” you say.

The prince shakes his head, but there’s a smile on his face as he turns to the queen. “It’s such a shame, I thought you two were talking about Y/N transferring to my office,” he jokes. It’s a bit that he’s brought up many times before, and both you and the queen take it as a joke since you figure he just wants someone closer to his age with more experience than Daiki, who is about four years older and has only been working with him for two years.

The queen lets out a laugh and takes her teacup again. “What’s the matter with Daiki? He seems to be doing a good job.” Her eyes meet yours as she takes another sip, glinting in amusement.

Prince Yuto is smiling his bright, beautiful smile that the camera loves as he looks fondly at his mother. He probably got wind of her feeling run-down and hurried here to try to distract her. You know the queen is the most important person to him, and the queen may not know it, but it’s obvious to everyone else. “Well, as you know, Y/N is better,” he continues, “and Daiki-san is a stick-in-the-mud.” The teasing makes you huff out a laugh, immediately raising a hand to cover your mouth; Daiki is truly a stick-in-the-mud, even more than you are.

The queen laughs boisterously, throwing her head back. “Oh, you’re such a jokester, Yuto.” She sighs, fully relieved, and you’re thankful he decided to stop by. The queen finishes her tea and says, “Well, this was a fun teatime. I have some paperwork I have to sign, so Y/N, you may go.” She turns to her son. “It’s so nice of you to stop by, sweetheart,” she says, and leans down to drop a kiss on the crown of his head. “I’ll be seeing you both.” The queen glides away, and you briefly wonder how she can walk that gracefully in heels over damp, unpaved grass--but then you remember she’s the queen and has been doing this for years. She turns around the corner of the hedge and disappears.

You sigh and shut down your laptop, gathering your stuff as you message Daiki about the charity gala. You slide the laptop in your bag, and put all the printouts in order into a folder, before slipping everything else inside. You’re just about to get up to leave before Prince Yuto’s voice stops you.

“You sure you won’t consider transferring to my office?” you hear the prince suddenly ask. He’s looking at you, piercing eyes that make everyone in the kingdom, young and old, swoon. And if you didn’t talk to him everyday and your self-control had been any less, you would probably give in to whatever he wanted.

So you try to mask your rapidly beating heart behind a fond, teasing smile. “Well, I don’t really have a say in it. Don’t think the queen wants to let me go, anyway,” you say, taking a proffered dark chocolate-covered cookie from the prince and biting into it. The rich, slightly bitter punch of the chocolate explodes on your tongue.

The prince looks at you with a small smile. “I was serious, you know,” he says simply. “I mean, you won’t be as busy so you’ll have more free time, and the stuff I do is just small, as a minister for cultural arts. I split it with another person.”

You’re already shaking your head. “I like my job. I love working for the queen and seeing the results of what she’s done. You know she’s been my role model since I was a teenager, so this is a dream for me. And as much as I want a break sometimes, I can’t let this opportunity go.” You sigh, heart heavy now, and stand. “I’m sorry, Your Highness.”

He stands with you. “I know I’ve told you to call me just ‘Yuto’ before, didn’t I?”

“But decorum--,”

“Yeah, fine, practice etiquette in public, but when we’re alone you can just call me by my name.” You don’t answer, and hesitantly purse your lips. And then the prince begins to pout. “Come on, if you don’t wanna work for me, at least call me Yuto.” He presses the tips of his index fingers together and says, “I miss you,” so cutely, with his big puppy dog eyes and hilariously deep voice that’s sorely out of place for the cutesy thing he’s trying to do.

You have to laugh, bending down at the waist and steadying yourself with the table as you cackle. “Fine, fine,” you relent. “I’ll call you Yuto in private from now on.” You heave your heavy bag up onto your shoulder with a smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

***

“You look beautiful tonight,” someone says behind you. You turn carefully, eyes meeting Yuto, in another black ensemble: turtleneck under an overcoat with black dress pants and boots. His hair is slicked back artfully, apart from the stray locks of hair that insist on falling over his eyes. Simple, but very handsome; the paparazzi and journalists must be having a field day with that outfit.

And you look down at yourself: standard black satin-and-chiffon off-shoulder gown that you usually wear to these types of stuff. Your shoes are your everyday pair, and you’re thankful that the dress comes all the way to the floor because they are getting scuffed at the tip. Your hair is wavy, the result of sleeping in a braid through twelve hours, but you manage to tame it into a loose bun that’s mostly out of your face. The only accessory you have is the necklace you’ve worn since your mother passed down to you six or seven years ago. Makeup is minimal because you are here to assist, not be the center of attention. Everything you put into your appearance tonight is just to make sure you look clean and professional. And invisible.

You roll your eyes at the prince. “Your Highness, I look like this everytime the queen needs to go somewhere fancy. I don’t think ‘beautiful’ is the right word.” You know he means well, but you’re just plain, from your shoes to your face to your position in society, you’re just simple, unremarkable.

The prince furrows his brows and takes his place standing beside you. “You are, though. You may not see it, but I do.” He casts you a quick glance before turning his focus to the stage, where a popular singer is performing one of her new songs onstage as an opening act. “And those photographers over there see it, too.”

You whip your head at him before scanning the event hall for any cameras pointed at you, heart pounding hard in your chest. You don’t spot any, but you still say, “I think you had better take your seat, Your Highness. I bet those people just want to make a scandal out of nothing.” Prince Yuto may be the youngest out of the royal children, but that does not mean he is risk-free. He is being trained for the position of Minister of Culture and the Arts; he has a large following of young people who look up to him as a leader and as a person; he is one of the most important people in your life, and you can’t bear for anything bad to happen to him.

The work tablet you brought is getting crushed in your folded arms from how tight you’re clutching it. “I’m going to find Daiki--,” you say softly, making to leave, but getting stopped once again by the prince.

He’s holding one of your arms gently, but strong enough to pull you back beside him. “It’s okay,” he says. “Let them. It’s fine.”

You pull your arm away. “Your Highness, it’s not fine. You can’t risk a scandal blowing up on you right now. Everyone has eyes on you, even if you don’t think so.” You’re worried. The last thing you want is for him to get in trouble because of you.

The prince sighs. “Y/N, there’s not gonna be a scandal if we’re actually together.”

You take a moment to think. “What? You want us to pretend to be a couple? I don’t think it’s a good idea; people might get the misconception that you’re slacking off, or--,”

“No, I mean--,” he sighs frustrated, more at himself than at you, but he keeps his composure and his face remains stoic; you both are still in public, after all. “I’ve wanted to tell you this for a while now, but I just didn’t know how to say it, and I certainly didn’t plan on telling you at a charity event where hundreds of people could hear.” He’s rambling--a sign that he’s nervous, unprepared.

Prince Yuto takes a calming breath before fully facing you. “I like you, Y/N,” he says softly, aware of the number of ears that are possibly listening in. “I’ve liked you since the day you started working for my mom, and I liked you even more the longer you stayed. You’re a hard worker, you’re dedicated to your job, you genuinely care for the queen and the things she does for the people. And I’m thankful that I got close to you as much as I have because you do mean a lot to me. I know I don’t show it, because I’m not sure how to show it, and I don’t know how you would react to it. But I do like you. Very much.” He releases a breath and looks you in the eye. “So will you try? To be with me?”

All this you take in with wide eyes and a shocked-open mouth. You know the prince is not the most outgoing person; he’s most relaxed when he is with people he knows, which are limited to his family and their secretaries, along with some of the senior palace staff. You’ve never seen him in a pickle of trying to get someone’s attention, but you do remember him offering to carry your heavy work back once or twice and you insisting on carrying yourself; him telling you that you look beautiful even if you wear the same plain things all the time; him giving you a box of (really expensive) chocolate for Valentine’s Day on the excuse of “I gave all the royal family’s employees chocolates”; him giving you a piece of his favorite chocolate cookies, even though you’ve never seen him offer them to anyone else.

All this time he’s been telling you how he feels and you’ve never noticed. And you yourself can’t even tell him the same because you don’t want to risk the prince getting hurt, you getting hurt, the queen getting hurt because of your selfishness. Your work is important to you, and you can’t jeopardize it for your happiness.

But here he is, Prince Yuto. Being brave enough to know the uncertainty of what lies ahead and being prepared to face it, if you answer him; if you push aside your fear of messing up and tell him you like him back; if, for once, you look to your heart instead of thinking of your work.

He stands tall beside you, an imposing figure of grace and compassion. A man people look up to. A leader who is innovative, yet respects traditions. A role model for young people who are inspired by his music, his acts of service to everyone. A son that is loved by his parents, a brother that is loved by his siblings. A friend who listens and is always there, but always pushes you out of your comfort zone.

How can you not fall for him?

How can you say no, when everything around you points to yes?

You’re nodding your head before you know it, still too shocked to properly process the last five minutes. “Yes. Yes, I’ll try being with you.”

The blinding smile is back, and you can’t help but return it. The prince nods, unable to suppress the grin on his face and gestures to the audience, milling about finding their tables. “I’ll be on my way, then. Find my mother.” He clears his throat, fidgets about with his coat and pockets. “Good luck for the rest of the night,” he says with a nod, before leaving.

You just curtsy, still beaming and your heart is drumming in your chest like crazy, but it feels light. Like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you can take flight at any moment, straight into his arms.

[cesium-sheep]

thoughts on promare (essentially a consolidated liveblog, so beware of spoilers)

the animation style is uhhhh very studio trigger lol, for lack of a better descriptor. it always takes a minute to adjust to.

the stylization of the fire is gorgeous

this motherfucker summoned a fire chair when his subordinates summoned vehicles to go fight, definitely big laurent energy

galo is also very much a himbo but not quite the same genre as damen, he’s a much more outwardly boisterous type. he’s got the same naivety tho

the dialogue is great fun whenever it spontaneously comes back down to earth. “is he an idiot?” “definitely an idiot.“ and “you know, I didn’t get naked just for fun.” “it hadn’t crossed my mind.” (big damen energy to that one tho lol)

everyone on the protag team is just like “no dude burnish don’t like, choose to have pyrokinesis”, love that.

the very misty design of the pink girl’s outfit is delightful, although I hope they aren’t setting us up for comphet.

ah. the very next scene with them is the comphet. like it’s probably even cute! he’s just saying she should put value on her own accomplishments because he’s too dumb to ever think otherwise! but also like why.

oh lol I paused it cuz arin came home and it turns out he wasn’t actually remotely thinking about kissing her he was distracted by the reflection of a flame in the ice

the music during the cpr scene was absolutely gorgeous.

presumably the governor was meant to just be getting like, a retina scan, but it really looked like he was shooting laser beams out of his eyes.

has anyone considered like. using their fucking words. the burnish control fire, they may be able to control the magma somehow. and/or they may be able to team up to power your warp shit without burning themselves out.

okay so later lio is shown literally controlling the magma. almost like the burnish are totally capable of fucking solving this.

that dragon cry is fucking dope sound design. there are some absolutely fantastic sound choices in this.

refusing to let someone else self-destruct is such a good trait to pair with a himbo tbh.

lio’s sleeves burned off. nice.

“if she doesn’t survive all this will have been for nothing!” yeah almost like. this was a terrible motivation from the beginning you dumb baby. you knew only a very limited number of people would even be taken on board.

I love galo falling asleep during computer grandpa’s narration. I relate.

bitch is this some pacrim shit, are they gonna copilot, and did he really name it deus ex machina

also I do love that the plan to escape the problem is literally what caused the problem to start with, that is very good.

“a burning firefighter and an ice-cold fire-starter” and he fucking named it “lio de galon” this is just so much lol

bruh you could have just jumped over the ice wall instead of smashing through it.

“if we don’t do something it’s gonna explode!” *immediate explosion*

the destruction of the robots looks so fuckin cool, with the spikes coming out of each back

mm. dunno how I feel about the twist reveal abt the governor, it’s like. kinda weakening everything else y’know? I do love lio protecting galo so hard tho. galo literally just held lio’s flame in his hands and I guarantee the fandom has made that into a whole Symbolic Thing.

hhhhhgghghghghh did lio’s promare transfer to galo??? and also the line “now here’s what I’m gonna do. save him, save earth, and even save you!” good!! good shit!!!

bitch!!!!!! idk if cpr technically counts but!!!!!!!!!!! that’s pretty fuckin gay!!!!!!!!!! and he has a panic over “for the first time in my life I lit a fire!” instead of “oh no I kissed a guy!” they’re just hanging out shirtless in the promaretech engine! I’m gonna lose it! the loyalty all the burnish feel towards lio! send help!!!!

they’ve combined their wills!!!!!!! help!!!!!!

okay given that they end on a fistbump it was probably technically not supposed to be gay. but it was still pretty gay.

overall I feel like it kinda dragged in places but once it hit its stride it really took off running. I can see why everyone else went ham over it lol

I can also see the parallels between lio/galo and lamen. they do really kinda have a similar vibe. “the ice bitch who’s secretly very good” and “the absolute himbo that has to learn that sometimes people lie”.

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[definition-of-awkward]

all the odd number questions >:3

okay first of all how dare you and second of all I still love you ok but just. you do realise no one here actually cares abt this ??  so I’ll put the answers under the break

ask game

1. who’s your celebrity crush?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh I don’t think I really have the stereotypical celebrity crushes?  if we count lesser-known celebrities, then I’d have to say the amazing youtuber TBSkyen, who runs a wonderful channel all about character design in videogames and such. I admire his skills and the content he puts out is very informative & also he happens to be one of the rare people online who pay attention to LGBTQ issues and cultivates a safe space in the community surrounding his channel & also is aware of the issues of sexism and ALSO just happens to have a lovely voice (example: x x x )so how can you blame me for crushing hard?

he made me care about League of Legends and DARK SOULS, for god’s sake!

3. rant. just do it

I feel like the previous answer was enough of a rant already lol (I just love him so much uuuugh he says at one point in his life he was gonna be a teacher and IT SHOWS! he explains art theory so well! fml)

5. how many accounts do you have?

on tumblr? on all of the internet? I only have 1 tumblr account and uuuuuh 7 sideblogs, which I barely use.

7. opinion on… (specify to the person you’re asking to)

oh hello heidi. asking me to give an opinion on one of my best friends now huh? very sneaky indeed!

well She is a lovely lovely person who I met/got to know thanks to tumblr and mtg (I’m not sure how we became mutuals in the first place but I’m not complaining) and I love Her very much! She’s sweet and terribly kind and I have a plushie and a cute plastic snail to prove that! Also She is adorable and deserves all the happiness in the world and I will cut anyone who even looks at Her wrong

(also probably one of the people whom i talk to the most these days. how did that happen OH RIGHT because she’s an enabler and lets me rant. read this ask.)

9. favorite brand of clothing?

not much of a brand person, I just pick out stuff that’s comfy, cheap-ish, and at least vaguely gay

11. what unusual talent do you have?

……. I can purr, I think?

13. ever prank called a store?

I’m sure people in my school tried & my cousins did that as well when we were kids, but me personally? no. I was merely a witness. A co-conspirator, if you will.

15. what’s a question you constantly get asked?

no single question stands out rn, but I guess these days it’s just university-related things. :/

17. google the top song from the year you were born

google has a lot of results for me but the ones that immediately stand out are Livin’ La Vida Loca & All Star.     …… yes that fits perfectly

19. what’s your favorite teacher you’ve ever had?

art history/drama/english (I think?) high school teacher. she’s queer and super chill, likes dnd and not to be dramatic but I WOULD DIE FOR HER. first adult outside of my family who I came out to & she was way better about it than my mom and CAN YOU GUESS why she’s my fave and I look up to her so much??

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in?

I don’t.

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose?

that’s. not enough. please give me more of those I have like 24 bad habits that need my immediate attention please and thank you.

(probably my severe procrastination. but that’s very broad and generic.)

25. what’s something you can’t stop buying?

binge food. no it’s not fun. yes, maybe this would be a better answer to the previous question. the two of us have a bad relationship and it sucks.

27. how long before a trip do you pack?

last minute. if we leave in the afternoon then I pack the morning of the trip. if we leave in the morning, I pack at night.

29. what quote or inspirational setting do you think is bs?

anything that comes out of rich people’s mouths. “believe in your dreams // anything is possible” is easier to say for someone from a dual-income family who gets a car for their 18th birthday and goes on vacation every year. fuck off.

31. you can change one thing about your life right now. what are you changing?

capitalism.

33. what do you think about a lot

gorgeous men. this blog is a testament to that.

also? great animation/visual effects

35. what does home mean to you?

messy rooms, late night trips to the freezer, worn matresses, leaky windows & the only place where I feel comfortable singing loud

37. have you ever been called down to the principals office?

only for good results in competitions

39. describe your aesthetic

pop-culture references, dark undereye circles, worn sneakers, oversized jumpers, long showers, cool breeze, late summer nights, staring at the moon, physical affection

…

this took way longer to type up than I thought it would

[kingofthewilderwest]

abt the outfit thing, i could be wrong but i remembered dean(?) mentioned before that Hiccup and the gang shows themselves the newer generation of Berk. so theyre meant to be different even if in terms of clothing. i mean, they dont even have the Norwegian accent like everyone else, even the kids in the series. theyre the ones who figure out the new things since the peace with dragons, and theyre more loose on the viking way of living and more to their own-

-and from there p much came their new intentions and all, it brought to RtTE and HTTYD3. at least thats what i think? and it does make sense in a way the gang were those who doesnt seem to ‘belong in their tribe’.

OH and the 'anomaly of his world’ you said about hiccup and p much apply to the gang, too every since RtTE came out :00 and i find how they 'made’ their own culture and life on the Edge and onwards to HTTYD2 timeline and up is interesting, too lol. sorry if its confusing

Prior parts of the conversation! :) [1] [2]

To clarify, just in case it’s needed: there’s a huge difference between what I know meta-wise the creators were intending with the designs, versus what my emotional reactions and feelings are to the implementation of said designs. I was explaining why emotionally the designs don’t jive with me that’s based upon my personal taste and why it looks odd to me personally. How they “feel” to me is distinct from what I know the creators want.

Yes, you and I both agree and understand the creators do have reason for doing what they’re doing! Everything’s intended in a well-crafted animation like this! You don’t just toss together an outfit when you have to painstakenly animate it frame-per-frame for an hour and a half plus. You go through a lot of concept art and animating and refining. It’s one thing I love about animation: how intentional and thought-out everything has to be in a top-notch film. And DW knows that good designs are ones that reflect… well… lots of storytelling elements.

They definitely create intentional distinction with the younger generation - as you pointed out, there’s the use of North American accents versus Scottish accents. And Dean’s talked about how Hiccup’s clothing in HTTYD 2 - which is obviously distinct from others’ wardrobe - is sort of like “biker” gear. So Hiccup’s being edgy, cool, different. Hiccup’s overarchingly also meant to be the “odd one” in his tribe, a revolutionary in the world of Berk who thinks entirely differently than his peers and predecessors. A unique clothing design makes GOOD sense to visually represent what he is. ESPECIALLY once he starts feeling less self-conscious and can start expressing himself as the creative individual he is!

We can also talk about how within every movie, the visuals of Berk itself change, becoming increasingly colorful and wild and fantastical and lining up with Hiccup’s vision and mentality. The Berk of HTTYD 1 is hugely different in appearance than the Berk of 2 and 3. It’s all representing the radical, radical changes in their society. These design changes, even the more radical ones, have good intent in how they were made.

I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that the youths on the Edge created their own culture, either. I know you have the word “made” in quotations, since yeah. They’re still obvious byproducts of their cultural upbringing, just like we all are. New generations can and often do take large, emphatic strides away from their predecessors - but that’s a reactionary response to their culture, embedded within their cultural upbringing, too. It’s to note that the designs of the Edge, and lifestyle on the Edge, are building obviously from their home culture. As we’d expect - they’re Hairy Hooligans! New ideas burgeon forth every generation, but those new designs don’t come from nowhere; they come from our culture, our upbringing, our familiarities, our contextual situations. So we would expect even the new, revolutionary materials from new generations to be obvious applications, permutations, reactions, etc. from the old. That’s how culture grows and reforms. And the Edge honestly isn’t too different in how it looks, works, and operates from Berk… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as it were.

Back to The Hidden World: it also makes sense is that everything in Berk now is going to get designed in increasingly dragon-friendly ways. And that’s why I love the concept of the armor. It makes perfect sense that they would create armor with dragon wares to look like the dragons that are so centric to their society! The concept of it is wildly fun to me and I like the thought they put into why it’d be this way!

So it all makes sense what the designers are intending for HTTYD 3! Agree!

I just aesthetically am not gravitated to the implementation of these designs. I get what they’re going for but the actual appearances don’t work for me. It doesn’t “gel” visually to me, in the same way I understand the concept behind but don’t “gel” with something like large, clunky Dragon Age armor designs. The designs in DA come from a culture and you understand why they’re designed that way from the creator standpoint… but… they can still come off as “over the top” and not visually meshing well with other, simpler cultural elements in-game. They’re the type of designs you’d only find in video games, based on how designers want to have fun making extravagant things. And that’s how I feel about how the HTTYD 3 armor outfits look. It “sticks out,” especially when we have more “realistically” designed cultural elements elsewhere through the start of the franchise. I’m just someone who prefers things looking a little… simpler… than this:

Alistair, I love you, but wtf is that?

No one’s gotta convince me for the reasoning behind these designs in The Hidden World! Never fear, I get it! XD But no one’s also going to magically change my emotional feelings toward the designs, either. XD If they feel “off” and overdone to me, that’s how I feel. My emotions are what they are. ^.^

Hopefully that clarifies what I intended before? (who knows, I’m writing this at 4:30 am hahaha…)

I know some people don’t like me saying I don’t care for things when it’s something you like. I understand! I can feel the same way when I see someone else speaking unenthusiastically about a thing I adore. It’s why I usually like to direct my discussions on tumblr towards things that make me stoked, which we can all scream happily about together. ;) I do prefer conversations veering toward the enthusiastic bonding side than saying where I feel “eh.” But since I was asked my opinion about the designs, I was just honest!

[youngjaelook]

Regret It — Bodyguard!Wu Yifan

author's note — i had gotten requests to do yifan angst and jakwnaowme im so so so sorry it took this long for me to deliver! also this is lowkey abt junmyeon and reader idk im sorryygaiwnajw hope u guys enjoy this anyways <33 #UNEDITED

request from anon — Can I get a request with Kris Wu? Bodyguard AU! Angst.

request from @biathinks — I heard requests were open so can you write an angsty yifan drabble lol thanks

summary — You eventually fall for the man you can't have, your bodyguard. And in the end, it might just get you both killed.

warnings — character death, angst & strong language.

word count — 2.4K

"You're supposed to be protecting the boss' sister, not fucking her brains out." Hui was worried for his hyung. The end result of his reckless behavior and raging hormones would probably be him swallowing led. "Hyung, are you even paying attention to what I'm saying?"

Yifan had heard it all before. The warnings, the scoldings, nothing about it was new to him. He knew the consequences of his actions, but he didn't really bother to quote, "give a flying fuck about it."

Yifan simply smiled at the younger boy and chuckled. "Don't worry about me, Hui-ah. I won't die, at least not yet." Hui visibly cringed at the last part. He cared about Yifan immensely. I mean, how could he not? Yifan had practically raised him ever since he had first joined the mafia and the mere thought of the older man being shot dead, or worse, tortured, made his heart clench in pain.

"What if they hurt her too? Just to spite you."

Yifan hadn't thought of it that way. He swallowed thickly and shook his head. "That won't happen."

Hui fiddled the ends of his jacket and sighed. "Who are you trying to convince here? Me or yourself?"

The images came in a blinding white. You were splayed on the floor, crimson pooling around your limp body. The maniacal laugh of your brother ringing in his ears. Yifan blinked them away. "Just drink your beer and let's get the hell out of here already."

The conversation ended there. There was no more talk after that, not even when they piled inside the car and drove off.

It was nearly half past ten and you were buried underneath layers of soft, silk sheets, asleep and at peace, until had felt the familiar touch of Yifan lingering on the exposed skin of your cheek. You stirred in your sleep and unbeknownst to you, you smiled out of instinct.

Yifan did this often. He would come into your room when the manor fell quiet and asleep, admiring the image of yourself in deep, tranquil slumber. He thought you looked prettiest like this; eyes closed, lips parted and mind at rest. He knew you also felt better when you were asleep because then you wouldn't have to face your demons, or your brother, which who could also amount to the title of the devil's associate himself.

When his touch could no longer be felt on your skin, you whined involuntarily and called for him.

Yifan couldn't resist you, even from the start when you were just merely the boss' sister, whom he'd have to guard and protect at all costs. "Sleep well now, baby." His voice coaxes you back to sleep.

Morning comes and you're now alone in your bed, much to your dismay. You ran a finger along your cheek, reminiscing the way Yifan's touch had lingered there. You smiled to yourself at the thought of him.

And speaking of the devil, he comes through the door, hair slightly unkempt and lips set in a frown. "Get ready, your brother is coming to visit."

"Brother," the word tastes bitter in your mouth and for one reason only; Junmyeon could never call himself your brother. The man, although sweet and kind towards you, was anything but towards those who worked, or rather slaved, for him and to those who had wronged him or your family.

Yifan sighed. "Please just ready," with that, he leaves and you get out of bed with a roll of your eyes, and a slump of your shoulders.

You always dreaded visits from your brother. Talking to him was like talking to a ticking time bomb. At any given moment, he could explode and the damage was far beyond repair. You've been there many times before, but unlike the rest, you're probably the only one who makes it out alive each time. Being his sister had it's perks, I guess you could say.

You're dressed in white when he comes through the manor's doors. He looks dashing and handsome as per usual; hair slicked back, suit pressed and crisp, and designer shoes shiny and pristine as he takes long strides towards you. You don't bother to hide the displeasure in your face when he stops in front of you. You didn't like your brother, that much was obvious, so why bother hiding it?

Junmyeon tried to give you a smile.

"Y/N," he greets you. "how uhm, how have you been?"

Your gaze hardens and you peer behind his shoulder to catch a glimpse of the pretty plaything he managed to drag along. Poor girl, is all you can think of for her. "I've been better. What about yourself? I see you've brought someone along with you today? She's pretty."

Junmyeon glances behind his shoulder and nods. "She's just a friend —"

"Oh I'm sure she is." Junmyeon narrows his eyes at you as if to tell you to cut it out, but you enjoyed to poke fun at him. It's refreshing to see him all flustered and red. It makes you feel better.

"Ah Yifan, so good to see you." You don't miss the shift in your brother's tone. It sends a chill down your spine. And judging by the sinister glint in his eyes, you figure Junmyeon knows something you don't. "Now that you're here, I'd like to speak to both of you in the dining hall. Perhaps, in private?" You glance over at Yifan for a brief moment, panic evident in your eyes.

Yifan, on the other hand, remains calm and stoic. Not flinching once when your brother sends him and yourself a mischievous stare.

Junmyeon situates himself at the the head of the table because growing up, he's been taught that whoever sat at the head of the table had the most power and Junmyeon knew he had power, a lot of it actually.

He pulls out his gun from it's holster and twirls it around in his hand.

"You both know, especially you Yifan, that I hate it when people deceive me." He starts and you already know where this is going and where this will end. "So imagine my surprise when a little birdy tells me that one of my best men goes behind my back and starts fucking around with my sister." You were caught red handed.

Yifan doesn't even flinch when Junmyeon cocks his pistol and aims it at him.

"I need to hear you both admit it right now. Tell me right now, or I swear to god I will shoot you in the fucking head —"

"Why do you even care, Junmyeon?"

Junmyeon can't contain his shock at your informal addressing towards him. You usually called him oppa, or Junmyeon-oppa. He glared at you. "Why do I even — What do you even mean by that? Of course I care! I'm your brother for god's sake!"

You step in front of Yifan, arms crossed and eyes turned into slits. This was your tipping point.

You scoffed. "You don't act like one, that's for sure."

Junmyeon's eyes widen. "Excuse me?"

"You know what I don't get? How can you claim to care for me yet you hurt the people I love, leave me to wither away in this god forsaken mansion? You don't care for me, you don't even love me." Junmyeon had never felt this overwhelmed by hurt in a long time. The last time he felt this way was when your parents had been massacred along with a few of your uncles and close family friends.

"You push me away, locked me in here, and killed our Shownu-oppa and yet demand that I respect and treat you like you're my brother?" Your voice rises with each word your utter and by the end of your sentence, you're screaming your lungs out and crying pathetically.

Yifan has his hands on either side of your waist and this seems to set Junmyeon off. The bullet misses Yifan by millimeters and he cripples to the ground, clutching his ringing ear.

"What the fuck!" You yell at Junmyeon, who looks absolutely livid with his wild, bloodshot eyes.

He stands up from his seat and storms over to where you stood. "Get out of the fucking way." But you stood your ground, shielding Yifan's body with your own.

"Move or I will shoot you." He threatened.

You mocked him. "I dare you."

Junmyeon, blinded by rage, slaps you across the cheek so hard it sends you flying to the floor. Yifan sees this and is quick to tackle Junmyeon to the ground with a yell. "You don't fucking put your hands on her!" He growls in between his jabs.

Yifan is aware that he's a dead man after this whole situation. You don't beat your boss to a pulp and expect to come out alive in the end. Again, there are always consequences to your actions. But for you, Yifan is willing to risk it all.

Hui watches with wide eyes as Yifan lands a particularly hard blow, and a loud crunch could be heard throughout the room. He practically drags Yifan off their boss and rushes to aid Junmyeon, who, by the looks of it, is in pretty bad shape. "Jesus Christ! Yifan, you nearly killed him!" The other men in the room back him into a corner with their guns raised at him.

"Yifan!"

All eyes fall on you and the evident gash on your cheek. There's blood that runs down your face. Junmyeon's ring, the ring that all of the mafia wore, Yifan included, had broke the skin of your face, which resulted in you bleeding profusely. He hit you pretty damn hard.

The pretty girl Junmyeon had brought with him earlier was by his side, wiping away the blood that dripped from the wound on his eyebrow with the sleeves of the blazer she had on and glared at you.

"Get off me, I'm alright!" Junmyeon struggled to get on his feet, but managed anyways. He walked slowly towards Yifan. "You're a fucking dead man, you know that? First, you screw my sister, and now you try to kill me? You have a fucking death wish!" Yifan grins smugly at him. "I should have hit you harder." The first shot was made and the bullet went straight into Yifan's thigh.

You screamed and ran towards Yifan, but you were pulled back by Hui, who looked absolutely mortified in that moment. He didn't want you to get caught in the cross fire.

"Junmyeon stop! Stop it!" But your pleas fell on deaf ears as the second shot echoed in your ears. This time, the bullet dug itself into his arm. "The next bullet is going straight through your fucking head."

You pounded against Hui's chest as you screamed desperately for your brother to stop. "You think killing him will make you a better brother? You think I'd ever forgive you after this? I hate you and I will always hate you no matter what!" That seemed to struck a nerve in Junmyeon as his gun was now aimed at you.

"Shut the fuck up!" He sneered.

Hui's grip seemed to loosen around you, and you took this opportunity to march right up to your brother. "What, you're going to shoot me now? Just like you shot Shownu-oppa? You think you're capable of killing another one of your siblings, huh?"

Tears spilled from the brim of his slightly swollen eyes and it's the first time in a long time you've seen him like this; so vulnerable and hurt.

"Let's face it, Junmyeon. We can never go back to the way we once were, you had decided that the moment you killed our brother."

Junmyeon was practically breathing in your face as he stepped closer. "He killed our parents. He killed aeomma and appa, even Heechul-hyung. You remember Heechul, don't you? He was a kind man, extremely warm and loving. But he's dead and it's all because of Shownu."

You swallowed bitterly. "Our parents weren't good people, nor was Heechul-oppa and you know that. You and I can both attest to their wrong doings. I remember we were kids and you told me, you fucking promised me that you were going to be nothing like them. But here you are now, a monster. Just like our parents. Just like the person you promised you'd never become."

Junmyeon wails and for a moment, you think he'd change his mind, that he'd finally come to his senses. But the gun goes off for the third time and your white dress is tainted in crimson. Your cripple to your knees and you hear Yifan scream in the background.

Junmyeon doesn't even look at you as you bled out on the floor.

"You are a bastard! I'll fucking kill you!" Yifan is red in the face, tears streaming down his cheeks as he watches as you struggle to breathe and cope with the burning sensation in your side. "I'll kill you."

Junmyeon smiles at him. "I'll see you in hell."

Four gun shots and Yifan falls limp to the floor.

Junmyeon sighs. "Get her to Doctor Choi, so he can stitch her up or something."

Everything just happens in a blur and on occasion, you fall in and out of an inviting darkness that wraps itself around you like a warm, cashmere blanket. You had never felt so at peace.

You were half-awake when you hear your brother's soft voice talking to you. "I'm trying. I really am. I don't want you to go down the path I went, or the path Shownu-hyung went. I want you to be different, to be better."

"I'm just scared for you," he admits in a low voice. "All I want is the best for you. Yifan, that man was just going to get you killed. Hell, even being my sister could get you killed. But I just, I don't want to risk it any further." When his lips press against the back of your hand, your heart cries out and you suddenly want to be nine, playing with paper airplanes with Junmyeon and making promises you can't keep.

"I did this for you." He gets up and starts to walk to the exit.

Your eyes flutter open. "You killed the man I love, you could never justify that." Junmyeon spins around and stares at you wide-eyed. "Sometimes, I wish it was you that died and not Shownu-oppa." When the words roll of your tongue, a strange feeling of relief fills your chest along with the bitter taste of regret lingering in your mouth.

Junmyeon nods and smiles softly at you. "Me too, me too."

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride