#...how did you get this you little goblin

[muovipalikka]

G. So they shared 1/2

Kremy had noticed himself asking Gideon more and more often to confirm that their marrige was ironic. Especially since they had started sharing a bedroll. Gideons bedroll had disappeared somewhere. Kremy was sure that Gricko had something to do with it he just hadn't found the evidence yet. Anyway Gideon was without a bedroll and Kremy was a bit cold so he told Gideon to get over there.

Gideon accepted even if sharing a bedroll with Kremy made his stomach itch in an odd way, but he didn't want to sleep on the ground. Getting in the bedroll he jokingly said "Wasn't this supposed to have happend on our weddin' night" Kremy let out an anxious cackel and turned on his side not facing Gideon. Welp' that coud've gone better Gideon thought, but it was too late now.

He just laid there on his back waiting for sleep. Until he heard Kremy quietly ask "Our marrige is just ironic right gid?" Gideon didn't know what he was supposed to do, but say yes. Like Kremy wanted him to. So he did.

It had become a habit him asking Gideon if their marrige was ironic. Kremy probably asked him every time they went to bed. And every time Kremy would hear a simple "yea.." over his shoulder.

They had gotten some rastions today. Gideon had avoided the shelf with camping gear on it. Hopin' that Kremy wouldn't mention it and he didn't. He never did. So they continued sleeping together. Their bedroll was a little to small for the both of them and that was surely the only reason for Gideon waking up in the middle night with Kremy snuggled up against him.

Saying Kremy was a little embarrassed the first time it happend was a gross understatement. One morning he woke up with his face pressed to Gideons neck his hands around him. Kremy had succeeded at getting up without waking Gideon and continued to do so every morning after that. So what he was cold blooded, he got cold easily and Gideon was warm. He was just glad Gideon woudn't notice anything since Kremy always woke up first.

It had been weeks now since Gideons bedroll had gotten lost. Kremy had thought about getting him a new one. It wasn't like there hadn't been opportunities. They had even gotten Frost a new one. They just hadn't gotten gid a new bedroll and gid seemed to never be looking for one so they shared.

Until one morning Gricko and Twig had uncharacteristically woken up first and were hungry so they had sneeked into the tent that Kremy and Gideon now shared. Just as Gricko was leaving. He heard Twig go "Awww" then he noticed the two "husbands" cuddled up together.

Gideon woke up to Twigsy not so quietly whispering to Gricko "See I told you" "It's not ironic!" Gideon now leening on one elbow still holding kremy to his side. Tried to shush her. When Gricko tripped and dropped everything he was holding.

Kremy woke to a crash he was holding tightly onto Gideon and seeing that it was Gricko he was mortified and then he turned his head to see Twig exitedly telling Gideon something. But Kremy was too embarrased to hear anything. Gricko and Twig had seen him cuddling Gideon and since Gideon had woken up before him he had also seen it.

So Kremy deatached himself from Gideon as quikly as possible trying to save something of his immage. He didn't look at Gideon simply picking up his pots and pans from where Gricko had tripped not helping the goblin up. He quickly started on breakfest. Noticing Frost and Torbek peeking out from their tents. He thought "great everyone knows, now I'll never live this down"

Gideon was a bit confused at Kremys sudden exit, but maybe he was just irritaided at having been woken up he thought until he focused back on twigsy who had practically climed on Gideons chest still prattling on about how she knew about the two of them and then he realised Kremy was embarassed.

It was evening now and Kremy had avoided him all day. Gricko was preparing Hootsie for bed and Gideon was in his old tent which now belonged to Twigsy. She had made sure he tucked her in every night. Gideon was concidering asking her if he could sleep here tonight. Since Kremy had been avoiding him.

Gideon hadn't come to their tent yet and Kremy was worried he woudn't come at all. Kremy gathered a bit of courage and walked to Twig's tent. Seeing Gideon there tucking her in made his heart swell.

"gid you coming to bed?" Was all Gideon needed to hear to practically jump up and say goodnight to Twigsy. Smiling at his husband.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok I started writting this last wednesday and it just isn't stopping so it's gonna be two chapters.

⇩Here are some of my other ideas if you wanna cheak em out!⇩

I guess I write now so I think I'll be making a poll so look out for that

Thanks for reading!

[dullgecko]

Okay I’m really going to try and keep this one actually concise this time. Here goes. Bad Kids, skirts, and gender.

Riz hates skirts. Originally he thought it was a trans thing - while he doesn’t have much, if any, dysphoria about his body, it always hits him hard when people misgender him and skirts are generally viewed as more feminine. And yes, while that was a part of it, he still hated skirts even when he tried one with just his friends around and they never misgendered him (apart from that one time they accidentally deadnamed him because they didn’t understand goblin grammar, but after that they never did it again). He eventually figured out that it was mostly a sensory thing because he also hated Fabian’s pirate shirts because the sleeves were too floaty, and while stolen oversized hoodies were great, if they were too long all of the added fabric did sometimes send him into a meltdown.

Gorgug loves skirts, especially long skirts with big secret pockets that can hold loads of little trinkets. If a skirt doesn’t have pockets, Gorgug will get out their sewing machine and make it have pockets. He is very ambivalent towards gender and takes a pretty open approach to pronouns. He, she, they, xe, whatever you want really as long as it isn’t rude. When Gorgug says any pronouns, most people just use he/they, but xe really does mean any pronouns and it makes her really happy when the bad kids change up the pronouns.

Adaine has a complicated relationship with skirts. She figured out that she was trans pretty early on, and coming out to her parents had not been her choice. It had been a long fight with her parents to make them accept her new name and to let her wear skirts at all. However once she was around people who were much more accepting, she was able to think more about if she actually liked skirts which did end up in a 2am panic attack wondering if she’d been faking being trans the whole time. She hadn’t, she just liked wearing jeans sometimes. It was all fine.

After getting over the whole raised on toxic masculinity thing, Fabian starts having Gender Thoughts (tm). He hates it. He thought he had it all figured out, but now he (she?) is trying on skirts with Mazey and it does feel nice. But liking skirts doesn’t automatically mean he’s a girl because clothes don’t have a gender and guys can wear skirts. But equally, according to Riz and Adaine, cis people don’t normally feel a weird amount of relief and happiness when accidentally hit by a gender swapping spell that lasts 24 hours. But whatever. Skirts are fun. Pronouns and gender are honestly still a bit of a mystery, but Fabian eventually decides that he and she are both fine, occasionally leaning more one way or the other. Where Gorgug’s gender can be described as “no thanks :)” Fabian’s is more “yes :)”.

Fig loves skirts. Big genderfluid energy, but most commonly uses they/them but loves a sprinkling of he and she too. Fig’s gender is basically just “whatever is funniest for the bit”. Fig also loves doing drag for their concerts, flawlessly mixing hyper-masc and hyper-femme. Fig was actually one of the last to come out, partly because it didn’t feel super relevant, but there was also definitely some worry about how Ayda would react. (Ayda was fine with it and after doing some extra research of her own, started using she/they)

Kristen has a pretty simple relationship with skirts. She had been forced to wear dresses and skirts for church, and as soon as she was out of that she stopped wearing skirts completely and didn’t look back. I can never decide if it’s funnier for Kristen to be the only cis one or to be the very last one to figure out that they’re nonbinary (everyone else thought Kristen already knew and just hadn’t come out)

Bonus: Gorgug makes Boggy a little skirt and it is the cutest thing ever.

the thought of every single one of them being some sort of trans amuses the shit out of me. They really do travel in packs.

[apocalypta-secundus]

what type of villain are you?

the mastermind

everything is a game for you, and being the winner is the only possibility that you can consider. people are nothing but mere tools for you, and you don’t hesitate to throw them out once you used them. be careful, because this throne is not a place where you want to let your guard down.

Tagged by: @historias-multorum

Tagging: @all-consumingfear, @agnessmadness (Askin), @ichigokurosaki, @icybreaths, @baiika (Aizen)

[warlordfelwinter]

"I dream of blood pools deep enough to bathe in. Run me a bath."

[sufficientlylargen]

It always gets me that the name "Gandalf" literally just means "Wand-Elf" or "Stick-Elf". I'm imagining old Gondorians just being like:

Librarian: I saw that weird guy at the library again today.

Guard 1: What weird guy?

Librarian: The old guy with the beard? Kinda elfy-looking, apart from the beard?

Guard 1: Oh, with the big-ass stick?

Librarian: Yeah, looked like he was carrying an entire tree branch.

Guard 2: Yeah, that's the Stick Elf.

Guard 1: Hell yeah, I fuckin' love the Stick Elf.

Librarian: The "Stick Elf"?

Guard 2: He comes by every few years, usually after some weird book or other.

Librarian: Oh. Yeah, he wanted a treatise on goblin breeding habits.

Guard 2: Like, how they have sex? We have books on that?

Librarian: Yeah, turns out we do. I was as surprised as you are.

Guard 1: What'd the Stick Elf need a fuckin' goblin-fuckin' book for?

Librarian: I didn't ask. So you just call him "Stick Elf"?

Guard 2: I mean, he looks kinda elfy and he always has that stick, so, like, yeah.

Guard 1: Dude also has some fuckin' dope pipeweed.

Guard 2: Oh yeah, his pipeweed is awesome.

Librarian: How long has he been coming here?

Guard 2: Oh, for decades. He's, like, super old.

Guard 1: More like fuckin' centuries. Dude's old as balls.

Guard 2: Wait, really?

Guard 1: Yeah, my gran-gran used to talk about him. She loved his pipeweed too.

Librarian: So he's… an immortal pipeweed dealer?

Guard 2: I think he's just, like, a connoisseur. He doesn't sell it or anything. He just always has some really top-notch pipeweed on him.

Archivist: Oh, are we talking about Stick Elf?

Guard 1: Hell yeah we are!

Librarian: You know about the Stick Elf, too?

Archivist: Oh, totally. Stick-Elf's a super chill dude. Gave me some awesome pipeweed when I was maybe 12, and tee-bee-aitch I think I'm still a little buzzed from it.

Guard 1: What'd I tell ya, fuckin' dope pipeweed!

Archivist: Also he's really old.

Guard 1: Old as balls.

Librarian: Yeah, so Éodan and Jenniforomir were telling me.

Archivist: My grandpa used to tell me stories - he said one time he saw Stick Elf enter a smoke-ring contest.

Guard 1: Ooh, I'll bet he kicked fuckin' ass.

Archivist: Apparently the guy made an entire warship out of smoke and it flew around shooting down the other rings.

Librarian: And how much of this "fuckin' dope" pipeweed had your grandfather had by this point?

Guard 1: No no, that's totally plausible. Dude's got weird elf powers and shit for sure.

Archivist: He brought fireworks for the king's birthday one year, too.

Guard 1: Oh fuck, I forgot about those! Fuckin' incredible fireworks! Dragons and knights and glowy trees and shit! I was fuckin' 6 years old or something, they totally blew my mind. Hey Éodan, did you see that shit?

Guard 2: No, I think that's before I lived in Gondor.

Guard 1: Wait, you're not from here?

Guard 2: Oh, no, I grew up in Rohan. We moved here when I was, like, thirteen because my uncle Éojeff said he could get my dad a sweet job. And also that there were houses that didn't smell like horseshit.

Guard 1: Oh shit, are you related to Éojeff and Éosteve who run that æbleskiver stand on Norndîl St?

Guard 2: Yeah, they're my uncles!

Guard 1: Shit, they cook a fuckin' great æbleskiver!

Librarian: Ok, hold up a sec, "Stick Elf" can't possibly be his real name.

Guard 1: Why not?

Librarian: What? You think his parents named him in the hopes that he would carry around a fucking tree when he got older?

Guard 2: Maybe they gave him the tree when he was born!

Archivist: I don't think a baby could carry that stick.

Guard 1: You ever seen a baby hanging onto something? They're hella strong.

Archivist: It's not a strength thing, their hands are tiny. That staff is enormous!

Guard 1: My halberd's bigger 'n I am, I can hold it just fine.

Archivist: You're not a baby.

Librarian: Also why would elf parents name their kid "stick ELF"?! Presumably they know that their kid's going to be an elf!

Archivist: Is he actually an elf? I didn't think they grew beards.

Guard 1: How'd he get old as balls if he's not an elf?

Guard 2: His ears aren't that pointy. Maybe he's just a really old guy? Like, a Numémoriam or something?

Guard 1: Did you just say "Numémoriam"?

Guard 2: Nûnenorman? Munimõrbitan? Y'know, those guys like the king that can get super old.

Guard 1: You mean the fuckin' Númenóreans?

Guard 2: Yeah, the Númenóreums.

Archivist: Even the Númenóreans don't live THAT long.

Guard 1: Plus he carries that fuckin' stick around.

Guard 2: Wait, what does the stick have to do with it?

Guard 1: That's an elf thing. Y'know, trees and shit? Very elfy.

Librarian: Ok, look, but his parents naming him "Stick Elf" would be weird whether or not he's an elf. In fact, it's even weirder if he's not - what human names their kid "elf"?

Archivist: Huh. Yeah, you're right, he probably does have another name.

Guard 2: Yeah, I guess so.

Librarian: He's been coming here for decades and nobody's ever asked his real name?

Archivist: I dunno what to tell you, he's Stick Elf. Even his library card just says 'Stick Elf'.

Guard 1: Fuck yeah, the Stick Elf!

Guard 2: Maybe we could, like, ask him his name sometime?

Guard 1: Hey, look, Elrond's over there. He's old as balls too, maybe he knows?

Guard 2: Oh, we shouldn't interru-

Guard 1: HEY ELROND, YOU'RE OLD AS BALLS, RIGHT? WHAT'S THAT OLD ELF WITH THE STICK'S NAME?

Elrond (coming over): Do you mean an old man cloaked all in grey and blue, leaning on a rough-cut staff, who came to the great library this day?

Guard 1: Yeah, the Stick-Elf!

Guard 2: (Sorry to bother you, sir...)

Librarian: He's got to have a real name besides 'the Stick Elf', right?

Elrond: Indeed, for no elf is he. You speak of the wizard Olórin, wisest of the Maiar, older even than Eä itself. Many are his names in many countries: Tharkûn among the Dwarves; Incánus to the south; Mithrandir he is called among my people, the Grey Pilgrim.

Librarian: Oh.

Elrond: And here in the North he is called Stick-Elf.

Librarian: Oh.

Guard 1: Fuck yeah!

[whalehouse1]

Hello imposter syndrome my old friend.

[monsterblogging]

"I know JK Rowing is a terrible person but her books are so good-"

You sure about that?

I mean, just for a start, have you taken a good look at her fantasy creatures lately? A whole bunch of them are straight-up based on malicious and dehumanizing stereotypes about actual people.

Remember the werewolves? And being a werewolf was made into a kind of metaphor for having AIDS?

And you know how AIDS was first associated with gay men? And how conservatives back in the day were claiming gay men were preying on children in order to convert them to gayness?

Remember how Fenrir Greyback preyed on children in particular? Yeah, she put that subtext in there. She was an adult in the 90's. She knew damn well what she was doing.

Remember the house elves? Remember how most of them loved to serve and needed to have a home and a master or else they just wouldn't know what to do with themselves?

Did you know that's literally what slavers in the American South said about the Black people they kept enslaved? Go look up the happy slave myth.

Do I even need to get into the goblins and the antisemitic tropes they're based on? No, folkloric goblins were not gold-hoarding bankers waiting for their chance to stab humanity in the back.

"But the characters are so good!"

Are you kidding me?

Most of her characters are pretty one-dimensional, including Harry. Her idea of making a morally complicated character is giving a tragic past to a bully. Numerous characters are little more than stereotypes. (Looking at Fleur right now.) Literally anybody, including you, can easily make dozens of characters just as good, if not better. (It doesn't exactly take a lot of character designing skill to go, "hey, actually, having a sad backstory doesn't make it okay to bully children" or "hey, maybe I should not base a character on the first stereotype that pops into my head.")

"But the rest of the worldbuilding!"

Sorry, but her worldbuilding is just as basic as her characters. Magical castles and secret passages are stock tropes. Magical people who keep their true nature secret from humanity is the premise of pretty much every White Wolf TTRPG. Most of her fantasy creatures are just common European fairy tale and folklore creatures with shitty stereotypes projected onto them.

I'm not saying "basic worldbuilding bad." I'm saying, you could do just as good, if not better, with minimal effort.

Also there's her magical bioessentialism, where only Harry's abusive blood relatives could provide him with supernatural protection from Voldemort. Rowling thus effectively declared that non-biological family isn't quite real family, and that abusive biofamily can give you some essential thing that a loving, supportive family that isn't related to you just can't.

The Hogwarts houses are one of the most insidious elements of her worldbuilding. The idea of being sorted gives you a little dopamine hit because wow now you have a li'l niche where you belong!

But the actual function of the houses and sorting system and the House Cup is teaching children to see each other as rivals, and ensure that the most toxic views of the upper class get passed on to every new batch of kids sorted into Slytherin.

Hogwarts effectively prepares children for a dystopia where magic serves to distract its citizens from how nightmarishly awful it is. Economic inequality is so bad that people like Arthur and Molly Weasley can barely afford to put their kids through school, casual sadism is just an accepted norm in everyday society, and non-humans are second class citizens. Rowling sorta acts like she thinks this is a bad thing with certain lines she gave to Dumbledore, but in the end, her special boy protagonist becomes an auror; IE, a defender of the status quo. So.

If you've never seen it, Lily Simpson's video goes into even more detail on how the worldbuilding of Harry Potter is actually incredibly fucked up, and how it betrays small-minded attitudes on Rowling's part. There's no separating the art from this artist, because Rowling's rotten values pour out of nearly every page.

Yes, there are many things in Harry Potter that evoke feelings and inspire people, but there's absolutely nothing in it that this series has a monopoly on. You can find those same experiences in much, much better media.

[prokopetz]

Something I love about The Far Roofs is how much of a swerve its premise is if you're coming to it uninitiated.

Okay, so there's these talking rats with a culture of swashbuckling heroism – basic Redwall/Reepicheep stuff.

Also, there's a magical realm called the Far Roofs which exists above every human community, and that's where the rats go adventuring; a little weird, but you can see the precedents in popular fiction. It's like wainscot fantasy taken to its logical-yet-absurd conclusion.

By default, the game wants you to play as a fictionalised version of your (presumably human!) self and go up onto the Far Roofs to have adventures with the rats. All right, now it's coming together: it's like isekai fantasy meets The Muppet Show, with you as the obligatory human character, right?

Then we get to the nature of those adventures: the rats have this whole culture built around questing against beings they call "the Mysteries" – beasties with names like Harpy and Goblin and Unicorn. So basically it's a bunch of muppety rats on the roofs fighting Dungeons & Dragons monsters, and you go up and help them do it. Great.

And then you get to what the Mysteries are actually like, and... well, I'm going to let the following excerpt carry the weight here. (This particular bit of text also appears in a previously published work by the same author, so I'm not giving anything away that's still under wraps.)

Unicorn, which is named Numinous, dwells three steps away and beyond the world, but most often in the Farthest Roofs, where the Steppes of the Sky come down to touch the Vast and Earthen Court. There it is stepping upwards from the world, as it has always been stepping upwards from the world, caught in a moment of transcendent glory that does not complete. It simply is. Melanthios heard the footsteps of Unicorn. Melanthios heard the ringing of Unicorn’s bells. So Melanthios chased Unicorn off to the Farthest Roofs, and Melanthios did not return. Anton and Karel, who were his sons, were wiser than their father. They heard the bells but they did not follow. Instead, they memorized the scent. They gathered swords, and ropes, and nets, and they went out. They brought food and water and all manner of gear. They clung to the roofs with all four feet wheresoever after Unicorn they went. It proved no good. Anton looked up, and Karel to his brother. The world came down— That’s what Karel said. He had time to look away. He had time to bury his head in his paws. He did not see the fullness of Unicorn’s presence. He only saw Anton his brother become unreal. In the light of the moment of the Unicorn, Anton became as a paper figure in the fire. His reality burned out. His shadow seared into the roofs behind him. Where he’d stood, for just a moment, the Steppes of the Sky came down to touch the Vast and Earthen Court; and Anton was gone away. So Karel ran and Karel ran and Karel ran from the Unicorn; and all his life, he envied but was more fortunate than his brother.

These are gods. You're going up there to kill God.

Like, it's still silly wainscot fantasy with funny talking rats, but there's that tension. It's like if Fraggle Rock occasionally took a hard turn to serious cosmic horror – Lord Dunsany by way of Jim Henson – and that tonal juxtaposition was treated as something unremarkable.

Basically what I'm saying is go back The Far Roofs.

[pigswithwings]

no genuinely oceanblr would be so fun. the bloggers long for the sea and - oh shit what's t [is enveloped by the waves]

0 notes 🔁❤️

🦈 jaws-little-brother Follow

Community Pool: Is water wet?

yeah ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬛⬛ (67.3%)

no ⬜⬜⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ (32.7%)

Remaining time: 4 moon cycles

🐡 on-line-off-hook Follow

what the kelp are you guys on.

185 notes 🔁❤️

🕳️ coelacanth-official ☑️☑️☑️☑️ Follow

decade 23 off the South African coast ... they ain't find me yet but when they do they're gonna be real surprised

40,739 notes 🔁❤️

🐌 justasnailfish Follow

its so quiet here .. nobody. no friends?

🔍 ms-magnap1nna Follow

We can be friends. come closer

7 notes 🔁❤️

🦐 shrimpathy-for-the-villain Follow

group of friends & i just won a battle against a whale, got a trophy (real)

🌑 ohboy-baleen-deactivated

No you didn't. No you did not. There's literally zero possible chance of this happening, regardless of how many other shrimp were with you because that is Logistically. Impossible. This is so fake oh my fucking cod

🦐 shrimpathy-for-the-villain Follow

ok. group of friends & i sitting inside a whales mouth, about to be krilled (real)

211 notes 🔁❤️

🐚 is0p0d-isle Follow

suuuuuper tired of all the negativity. can we have some appreciation for the "ugly" and "scary" fishes already? thank u blobfish, thank u viperfish, thank u goblin sharks, thank u everyone else who is socially isolated bc of how they look!! ur awesome!!

94 notes 🔁❤️

🐠 reeffraff Follow

human slang is so boring. what the hell is a "fridge". what's a "stove". oh, you have a "microwave"? i see 10 meter tall waves every day. loser.

🐬 atlantic-potion Follow

but they were right about "tubular", you can't deny it

🐠 reeffraff Follow

yes i absolutely can. "tubular"? are you kidding me? any fry on the sandbar could come up with that one. "tubular" is the word you would use to describe a coral and nothing else. it's lame. you have the linguistical taste of a tongue parasite.

🐬 atlantic-potion Follow

say that to my beak you coward

🐠 reeffraff Follow

maybe i WILL

🚹 surface-dweller ☑️☑️ Follow

holy shit, those fish are fighting! mary get the camera!

🐠 reeffraff Follow

GET THE WHAT?

[carebeardean]

Charles whose dad smashed his cassette tape with a hammer learns to navigate the backpack cause, like, he needs to be useful, yeah?

and this way Charles has everything Edwin needs, and if Edwin gets sick of him he’ll just.. he doesn’t know what he’ll do.

but then Edwin gets the record player.

he suggests, tentatively, that Charles might play some of his “queen” if he liked. after all, if they are to haunt potential realtors away from their new office, they may as well entertain themselves.

so they take turns, switching out; edwin likes opera. he shows Charles how to waltz, chiding Charles to stop looking at his feet til they’re gliding, whirling around like they’re in the movies. Edwin’s smile is small and pleased and lovely. (Charles attempt to get Edwin to headbang along to queen results in a sort of awkward rhythmic nodding. Charles loves him so much he could die again.)

And, like. Edwin doesn’t like clutter. he doesn’t bother with the random tidbits ghosts give them for solving cases.

until now, apparently.

now he comes back from trading at the goblin market with little useless things—a cursed rubix cube, records from bands Charles mentioned years ago.

Charles is so busy trying to subtly read his book on Edwardian courting rituals (disguised by Nikos discreet manga covers) that he doesn’t realize what Edwin’s set down in front of him. he stares at Edwin’s spiky handwriting, the tidy numbered list.

“I thought, perhaps, that we might—start a new tradition.”

Charles blinks, eyes stinging. “Mate, did you.. make me a mixtape?”

“Crystal assisted me, and while she was absolutely insuffer—“ Edwin staggers, catching him with a surprised little noise.

“I love you so much,” Charles says, muffled into his throat. “You’re my favorite person. I love you so much it hurts, sometimes.”

“Yes,” Edwin says softly, hands curling around his waist. He takes Charles weight like it’s nothing. “I believe I know the feeling.”

[pangur-and-grim]

Can I ask you what motivated you to fluctuate so widely on the cat scale for your pet choices? Like your first one is an ailing elfin waith, then you just got a standard cat, and now you have a purebred house goblin and those are all very different vibes. Are you trying to complete some sort of collection or something? (Also special request that pangur get a little kissy and be told how loved she is)

oh sure, it’s always been about allergies! there are breeds that (generally) produce less of the protein in their saliva that triggers allergies, and breeds that shed less (and so release less allergens into the environment). that’s what I’ve targeted.

Grim is half-Bengal, and has never triggered a reaction in me. Pangur is an Oriental Longhair, and has never triggered a reaction in anyone! and Belphie is a Devon Rex, and surprisingly…..I did react to him at first, though I no longer do. other people with allergies have been able to handle him without any reaction, though.

in contrast, Wednesday is a normal cat that I lived with for nearly a decade, and I never stopped reacting to him. he’d want to cuddle with me, and I’d have to move away because I didn’t want watery eyes and a throat full of mucus. it made me feel so sorry for him!

[thestarsarebrightertonight]

but daddy i love him! // theodore nott x fem granger reader

playlist : but daddy i love him - taylor swift

summary : being hermiones slightly younger , less intelligant and more reblellious sister, it is your duty to have a boyfriend no one approves of to match.

y/n used , gryffindor granger reader , swearing

masterlist PART 2!

"merlin hes so hot" you whined with you head in your hand , staring across the hall at theodore nott.

hermione shuddered in disgust , "yeah and hes a terrible person."

"mione hes really not , just because hes slytherin doesnt mean hes some kind of horrific monster," you rolled your eyes , finally looking away from theodore and looking at hermione across from you.

"dont mix your delusion with reality y/n. him and his friends have bullied us since first year," hermione snapped back.

"whos us? ive never been teased by him before but stay safe i guess," you argued , getting more annoyed by the second.

"you cant be with him y/n , not only does he not do relationships , clearly , hes not good for you!"

"oh but daddy i love him!" you said in a mocking childish tone.

"did you just call hermione daddy?" ron cringed inbetween his quick eating.

"its a little mermaid reference ronald." you said sternly , judging the boys messy consumption of the food on his full plate.

"whats a little mermaid reference?" he mocked.

you, hermione and harry all looked at him with pure shock , forgetting ron wasnt really accustomed to muggle films , "please educate your man mione."

she gasped in pure horror as ron pretened to gag , they both argued over eachother throwing loud defenses and digs at eachother.

"look! i would actually rather die than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning!!" you shouted over them , silencing their arguing as harry nodded along with your statement.

"y/n i dont mean to stir the pot but i dont really think nott is a great partner either," ron said with disgust.

"thanks for that ron! wanna add your two cents harry? seems like everyone cares who i have silly crushes on nowadays!" you fumed , turning to the twins who sat on the table besides you , "good morning george , fred, would you like to give your opinion on theodore nott?"

"hate him," fred stated plainly.

"i always target him in quidditch," george quickly followed with a shrug as you let out a defeated groan.

you turned back to the trio , crossing your arms in anger , "im going to go see ginny , see what she thinks of all this , she always supports me unlike you little goblins!"

"yeah cause ginny has a crush on basically every guy," ron scoffed.

"atleast ginny can admit when she has feeling for someone and doesnt pine on her best friend for years! atleast she isnt in denail!" you said smugly as hermione and ron squirmed in discomfort , blushing.

you abruptly stood up from the table , beginning to stomp away when harry shouted after you , "have a great day mrs nott!"

you turned to look at him , flipping him off before shouting back , "aw you too mr weasley!".

harry blushed as ron looked between the two of you , "shes insane , calling you weasley , what weasley could you possibly marry!"

ron scoffed and continued eating his food as harry scratched the back of his neck awkwardly and exchanged a look with hermione.

---

you now found yourself storming the corridors , looking for ginny when someone fell into step besides you , their deep voice making you shudder.

"hello mrs nott."

you stopped in you tracks and looked besides you in horror , theodore smirked down at you.

"erm hi," you mumbled quietly , face deep red in embarrassment. how could you forget the whole time that theodore had been sat with his friends on the table across from you?!

"dont go all shy on me now , i liked how you defended me." he smirked.

"i was really just joking dont get excited ," you teased , finally shaking your shyness.

"didnt sound like a joke to me? you got really worked up granger," he still held his smug expression , eyes peircing yours even when you didnt look back.

"look nott , i just like picking fights with them its funny to tease them." you shrugged continuing your walk as theodore followed still looking at you the whole time.

"go out with me," he said sternly as you paused again.

"are you being serious?" you said trying to seem not as interested as you truly were.

he grabbed your hand and pulled you to the empty classroom besides you , pushing you against the door to shut it.

he put one hand beside your head on the door and the other playing with your hair and grazing your cheekbone , "dead serious."

you looked at him , finally silent for the first time in your life , your silence allowing him to continue , "you can say you dont like me all you want. that its jokes , that its just to get a reaction. but i think we both know its more than that."

"im not gonna be one of your girls nott , im not like that. sure i have a different type to my sister but that doesnt mean i go for fucking man whores who just wanna get me in their bed."

"ouch , your words hurt me, bella. ive never touched a single girl asides from you. ive waited for you." he said softly.

"basically every person in this school says otherwise nott."

his hand that was resting on the door cleched into a first tightly , "stop calling me nott. its theo to you."

"why do you care?" you asked as his frustration grew.

he stared at you now with cold eyes , danger in them like he was staring at his prey. you simply looked back , folding you arms and watching as his eyes flicked down your face.

"dont play hard to get. you practically announced your love for me a second ago y/n." he mumbled.

"sure. ill go out with you, charity work." you joked as he finally dropped his anger and laughed.

"i like it by the way," he said looking up with a smirk as you stared back with confusion , " 'mrs nott,' it suits you."

"hm i dont know. ive always been kinda progressive , mr granger," you smirked before pushing him away with one hand and walking out of the classroom, leaving him to stare at your figure.

the second you found ginny you practically screamed in her face with excitement , "ginnny you will not BELIEVE IT!!"

PART 2

[dullgecko]

i would love to know how it went when someone flirted with riz and he totally missed the memo/didn't catch what was going on xD

"Hi Riz!"

The goblin looked up from where he'd been crouched partially inside his locker, disarming the trap that had been left in there for him so he could actually find out what his homework was this week. He held up a hand to motion 'give me one second' since his mouth was full of lockpicks and went back to fiddling, finally backing out of his locker after there was a loud click in the locked box and he was able to retreive his classwork.

"Oh hi Gardenia." He pulled the tools out of his mouth before he spoke, tucking them back into their pouch and putting them away on his belt. Eyes scanning the requirements of his homework breifly before he folded it up and put it in the interior pocket of his vest.

The person who had interupted him was one of the girls from soil club, a halfling who was always chatting to him about gardening during their weekly meetings. Usually she was dressed in a pair of overalls, but she seemed to be switching it up this week.

"Thats a nice dress. Sorry can I help you with something?"

She beamed at the compliment, glancing over her shoulder at her party who were waiting further down the hallway who gave her a 'go on' gesture that Riz completely missed. The rogue having turned back to his locker to check for any more items left in the package drop that might be tucked between his textbooks. He did find another one of those letters he'd been getting a lot recently, the goblin giving the pink, perfumed envelope a confused look as he flipped it over before also shoving it in his pocket.

"So, um, I was wondeing if you might want to come to Basrars with me on Saturday?" Gardenia fiddled with her fingers nervously, a blush rising on her face as she bounced on her feet.

"Hmm? Oh, sorry. No. I already have plans." Riz grabbed a textbook out of his locker before finally shutting it, not noticing the crestfallen look on the halflings face. Ears perking up as he caught the sound of his party coming from around the corner.

He steped away from the wall, lifting his arms slightly as Fabian and Gorgug came into view. The half-elf not even slowing down his pace when he reached the goblin, bent over slightly, and scooped Riz up off the ground in one fluid motion without stopping. The rogue getting deposited on his shoulder while Fabian gave the girl he'd been talking to a suspicious look.

"But I'll see you in soil club on Tuesday." Riz called back to her, giving a little wave before disappearing around the corner with his party members.

He was completely out of sight before the halflings friends came over to comfort her for getting shot down.

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Spicy Stories

JK Rowling: hello children Poe: oh Poe: oh joanne Poe: you're back Rowling: i have concernss Poe: uh we're mostly about just telling stories here Poe: you have your own campfire for your terf stuff don't you? Rowling: yess but they've really been getting on my nervess lately

Rowling: you know how it iss with terf deatheaterss Poe: not really Rowling: alwayss agreeing with everything i ssay Rowling: all "oh yes dark lord" this and "oh spare me dark lord" that Rowling: ssometimess you jusst get tired of hearing "masterful gambit dark lord"

Rowling: i tell you, you don't know how hard it is to run a cult L Ron Hubbard: oh yeah woof big mood Hubbard: people think its all fun, but its actually a lot of work Rowling: I know right????

Poe: regardless, joanne, i'm going to have to put my foot down Poe: this campfire is just for stories Rowling: uhhh actually i do have a new ssstory Rowling: i wass insspired to write after having an argument on the internet Barker: oh damn no shit? Barker: that's wild

Rowling: it's a new harry potter ssstory King: oh man! it's about time, i've been hoping for a new potter story for ages! Rowling: itss about hermione going back in time to help grindelwald, who actually had sssome good points if you think about it

Rowling: i call it Rowling: the time turner diariesss Barker: wow this is not really funny anymore Baker: its like INTENSELY not funny Lovecraft: catchy title tho!

Rowling: i'm retconning grindelwald into a misundersstood idealisst Rowling: who was only forced to make hard choicess because of the unreassonablenesss of decadent weimar society

Rowling: oh also you know that thing where people kept criticizing me cuz technically grindelwald's "evil" plan was to prevent the holocaust? Rowling: well good news Rowling: i've rectified that little mistake

Rowling: like, why would the naziss target transs & queer people, traditionally the most powerful and widely accepted memberss of ssociety? Rowling: would not the naziss, famouss for their love of diverssity, actually approve of them? Rowling: i'm jusst asskin questions

King: actually joanne there's a lot of well-documented evidence Barker: give it up steve King: no no i can fix this King: i'm sure if i just lay out the facts in a logical, well-reasoned manner- Barker: oh god that's so cute Barker: don't you just love him? Poe: that's our steve

King: so you see the nazi book burning of the institute for sexualwissenschaft- Rowling: nope Rowling: didn't happen King: King: well it kinda did, see, as i was saying- Rowling: thiss iss missogyny

Rowling: i don't undersstand you lot at all Rowling: i come into your campfire, i make a sstatement that i really want to be true & you all refuse to accept it Rowling: thiss issn't the way it works over with my terf deatheaters at all Rowling: they love accepting things i ssay!

Rowling: it'ss actually really missogynisstic that you all refusse to accept what i'm ssaying asss truth Rowling: even though you all know how badly i want it to be true King: but joanne, it isn't true- Rowling: ssave it for court ssteve!

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Shelley: i got here late wot's going on? Barker: joanne is doing holocaust denial Rowling: EXCUSE ME it'ss only holocausst denial if you quesstion the murder of jews Rowling: tho now that i think about it i do have some questionss

Rowling: like, would they not have ussed their goblin magic to essscape? Lovecraft: ya know, she makes a good point Sonia Greene: i'm right here howard Lovecraft: Greene: see, this is why i don't talk much

[cavegirlpoems]

A story from back when I played D&D. It might have been 3.5 or pathfinder or fantasycraft or one of that ilk. Might even have been 4e. It was like a decade ago.

So. Standard D&D. A party of bold adventurers of diverse origins and skillsets gets together to explore a perilous dungeon and stop a cartoonish baddy. The usual.

I end up building a fairly typical character for me. A goblin Rogue/Assassin. A stealth/melee build designed to get the drop on an enemy, do a bunch of rapid damage, and then fuck off.

She was lawful evil, and firmly in the team-fortress-two-sniper school of "You know who has a lot of feelings? Men what bludgeon their wives to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards." school of being a mercenary. I think I even did an aussie accent.

Anyway her schtick was that she'd noticed 'Adventurers' got to do as much violence as they wanted without social consequences, and she loved violence! So she was gonna do a stint as an adventurer, so once she was done she could go home with a big sack of gold to spend on booze and cake and hot girls. But right now she was on the job, so she was an extremely professional team player with a strict code of conduct. Always be honest with the team, follow the plan, don't mess things up for the team, split the loot evenly. Standards.

Verna was a horrible efficient little murder gremlin who was also proudly guild-certified. * * *

Now, another PC was a chaotic neutral gnome bard who was leaning hard on the 'gnomes are amusingly racist to goblins and kobolds and think this is funny and endearing' thing. He teased Verna a bunch about being green and ugly, which she studiously ignored because - remember - she had Professional Standards.

Anyway, there was a human NPC we met that she didn't like, saying he was a bit stupid and very annoying. Our gnome bard decided it would be very funny to use one of his enchantment spells to make Verna suddenly horny for him and watch what happened.

Verna sees the gnome who keeps fucking with her walk up, wave his hands and babble some arcane nonsense, and now she has weird funny feelings she can't explain. She does some thinking and concludes that she'll pay the human for a snog later, because right now this guy's just obviously cast a spell to mess with her mind, which was Not Okay. Of course, she had Professional Standards, so...

She walks up to our gnome friend and basically informs him: "Hi! I know you just did some magical brainwashing on me, and I am not going to tolerate this! However, because we're in a team together, and I don't want this to become a problem, I am going to very generously allow you to settle the matter with me. We will have a bout of single combat to first blood, and then whoever wins I will consider the matter settled and my honour satisfied, and you won't do that again, and we won't mention it. This is a very kind offer of mine, because I have Standards; where I come from the normal response would be to say nothing and strangle you in your sleep tonight."

And our gnome, who is a spellcaster not a combatant, looks at this and decides he doesn't want to get shown up by her, and basically tells her that if she doesn't like getting messed with she can go back to the goblin village, and laughs at her.

So. Shrug. Quickdraw as a free action. I get a surprise round. You're flat footed, so it's easy to hit and I get sneak attack damage. 3/4 of his health is gone. Initiative. He says he wants to say sorry. I respond that he can say that when it gets to his initiative count, but right now it's my action and he's still flat-footed and here's my big pile of d6s for sneak attack and oh dear I think that's him on -10 hp, so he's not going to get the chance.

* * *

Anyway this kicked off a massive shitstorm ooc about how I just kicked off PvP and murdered a PC for no reason and the game fell apart because the gnome's player genuinely didn't seem to understand that 'mind control' is a hostile action. This was in the bad old days before safety tools and I was playing in a fairly neckbeardy group, so 'a man makes a woman horny against her will to humiliate her and laughs about it' was apparently not a deal-breaker while 'the woman stabs him for it' was.

I still think I wasn't the bad guy in this scenario.

There is no point to this story I just wanted to share it.

[foldingfittedsheets]

The Animorphs post where someone referenced their image of me as a child had me spiraling. I was questioning my wife about what their impression of me was as a kid to their increasing hilarity.

Honestly if anyone pictures me as anything other than a tiny feral goblin I have questions. I had moment of high charisma but was largely rabid and wild.

“Like did they get their impression of me from the time I lied about the frog erasers, or pretended I could read? Or when I started swearing? Or when I went feral on my best friend? Or bit that kid on the bus-“

“Wait-“ my beloved interrupted, “You bit a kid on the bus? I haven’t heard this one.”

“Oh.”

“What happened?”

“…I bit a kid. On the bus.” I paused before adding, “Also maybe I scratched him.”

“You scratched him?! How old were you?!”

“…too old.” They stared me down until I admitted, “At least over seven.”

“Jesus Christ, that’s how you get branded as the weird kid!”

I widened my eyes in outrage and opened my mouth in mute appalled fury as they laughed harder and harder. “What. In all our time together. Has ever. Made you think. I wasn’t. The weird kid? What possible story could I have told you that gave you the impression I wasn’t a little weirdo?! I made a kid bleed on the bus! I got blacklisted by several different parents! Of course I was a weird kid!!!”

“You made him bleed?!”

“I was fucking feral! He sat next to me and was mean so I attacked him!”

“Where did you bite him?”

“I have no way of knowing that! I was a barbarian as a child. I might still be, but now I don’t get into fights, so I don’t know. I do know I had to sit at the front of the bus all week.”

“Did your parents get mad?”

“I don’t think anyone told them. That kid sure didn’t. And the bus driver punished me, so.” I paused meditatively while they kept quietly laughing in horror. “No one else tried to sit with me though.”

“No shit! I wouldn’t have wanted to sit with a kid that bit and scratched people!”

“I at least hissed at him in warning before I did it.”

That made them laugh harder and hug my head to their chest. They finally managed to say, “My beautiful freak wife. My feral little goblin.”