#2 years later im fighting for my life trying to revise it. literally no one couldve guessed that i will need this project for portfolio

[kimmkitsuragi]

i hate drawing plans literally die. build the things by vibes idc

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

[areminiscer]

This is long and has a trigger warning

This will seem all over the place because thats just how it’s come out-

I feel like this is fitting this year cause it’s been (nearly) 5 years. 5 years on the 14/11 ( 11/14 ). This day changed my life- so cliché.

Brief family history- my dad was a biochemist, my mum a nurse (and a few other jobs). Which seems to irrelevant now- they both worked there asses off. My dad is my favourite parent if you can have one, this is because me and my mum are stupidly similar so we’d bash heads a lot which would often leave me in tears and feeling really deflated. My brother has ADHD which is a pain because when he’s on a ‘war path’ it’s horrendous and why I can’t deal with shouting or sudden movements or anything being thrown in my directions (even tho im a great catch most the time)

So on this date 5 years ago my dad got told he had bile duct cancer. Which isn’t that common, however he wasn’t that worried cause it goes in stages and we thought it’d been caught early…. He was told he had stage 4 and had 6 months to live. i don’t remember much honestly but my main memory is being in the foetal position against the cold tiles in a boiling bath listening to ‘Somewhere in neverland’. My dad was put on chemo. So a ‘famous’ case of this cancer is the Guy who played Robbie rotten in lazy town who died after 2 years of fighting the cancer. My dad had always said that at my wedding he’d dye his beard purple, so because the reality of the cancer was he’d be dead by then he started colouring his beard – hes had blue, green, red, orange, purple, pink and turquoise.

So on the 9/11 (11/9) I had been at a gig, Mallory knox, blitz kids (still my faves) and the crooks. i don’t really remember much but I know that Mallory knox and blitz kids are two of my all time favourite bands due to the fact they ‘were there’ in some of my darkest moments.

~TRIGGER WARNING~ So this date also means its been 5 years of me self-harming and being very all over the place. I remember when my mum found out she didn’t even freak at me- she took me to the supermarket and brought me bandages and anti-septic and said I can’t stop you but I can at least prevent infection. She never once blew up in my face- except one time when it first happened and all I remember is I went to school crying. Anyway so 6 months later my dad gets told that the tumour is inactive.

Which is good but my self harm still is pretty bad due to going through a horrible time at school due to missing a lot because Family over Education – I have never once regretted this even if I’m ‘ 3 years’ behind my peers. I’m in a better place most the time ( don’t ever go off your meds for 3 months…) and have finally started planning my future- 15 year old me had planned to be dead by 20. During my exams my family and some friends went away but before that I had gone to a day festival with some friends and I’d become obsessed with a band called the color morale (who still to this day are amazing) and I’d been in a really bad place with fresh cuts. I was going to the color morale booth to buy a hoodie or something and the merch guy came over and it happened to be Garret Rapp the lead singer and he signed my notebook and gave me a hug, I remember calling my parents close to tears and them being really happy for me. I remember 2015 I got my exam results and I hadn’t done the best however I had done better than I’d expected- I got D’s in everything which is impressive considering I did no revision and my attendance was like 45%. I wasn’t told this till last year but my mum and dad were really worried they’d loose me due to how unhappy I was with everything.

Anyway flash forward to June/July 2016 guess what had come active again? You guessed it- back to chemo my dad goes. I don’t really remember this year at all. One thing I do remember is my dad became a ‘guinea pig’ for a new medical treatment called SIRT (I don’t know what it stands for). This is basically when they inject tiny radioactive beads into the location of the tumour and it’s meant to shrink it. Get me knowing fancy medical terminology.

All I remember is that he’d gotten the news after I’d had a great year and that I believed it was cause of that. I know that’s really shitty but I’m a firm believer in ‘ Everything happens for a reason’. It seems stupid but aye that’s what happened.

This whole thing triggered me to stop telling my parents I loved them until the beginning of this year.

More family history- My parents met in Zimbabwe. In 1990 I think? I’m not 100% sure on that.

2017- as a family we went to Zimbabwe with a charity where we built a school building, played football, swung sledge hammers and cuddled adorable babies. I think this is when it really hit me that when I feel at wrong bottom I let everything slip and just spiral out of control. But I was surrounded by people who had barely any money, hadn’t been paid in months, couldn’t afford basics, were sick and protecting their disabled children from men who’d take advantage of them. Yet they still laugh and sung with a massive smile while I was over here sat letting something bad ruin a month at a time. That autumn and winter I went on a massive spiral to the point my best friend and family weren’t sure I’d make it to 2018. Honestly Im not sure how I made it to 2018. My closest friend through out all of this and the girl who I can be 100% honest with- I remembered we’d been shopping or something and then we went and sat in McDonalds eating and we were chatting about mental health and all those fun things and I told her that I doubt I’d get married if my dad died.

2018 is a weird year cause while my dad’s cancer is still very much active (with secondaries which is shitty). I’ve found a love for life to an extent. While I can feel myself slipping a little I’m trying to keep going because I have so many plans. I turned 20 this year and while it’s not that exciting to most to think 5 years ago I was planning my suicide and wasn’t thinking about where I want to be in a years’ time but now I know where I want to be. In September I started my final year of College which seems amazing because of how far I’ve come looking back at the last 5 years and everything I’ve had thrown at me ( literally and figuratively). I also told my mum (while driving to see my grandparents) about my the fact that I wouldn’t get married if my died dad and I just couldn’t see anyone other than my dad with a purple beard walking me down the aisle. Im not one for traditional things- I hate turkey at Christmas for example- but my dad walking me down the aisle was always my dream and never changed. My mum told my grandparents and my grandad announced he’d walk me down the aisle.

It’s weird reading how far you have come in the last 5 years because you don’t really think about it but now seeing it in black and white im shocked.