#5sossad

[cashtonwoah-blog]

Ashton Irwin Imagine // Escape

Warnings: Swearing, depression/self harm. Individuals may find this triggering., viewers discretion is strongly advised. Please seek support if you feel affected by this. My messages are always open if you want to chat!

Although this imagine is quite sad and personally dark, it does have a happy ending!

"Babe? Please talk to me. " I hear Ashton mutter through the key hole to our bathroom. I couldn't speak, I just needed to be alone right now. I’d had a crap day at work. My boss had a go at me for being 5 minutes late. Like really? The traffic into town was hectic and my car was playing up, even before I left. She shouted at me as soon as I walked into the door, straight away putting me in a bad mood. I then was greeted by an angry customer, who also reminded me that I was 5 minutes late to her beauty appointment. I normally loved my job, however recently I'd become distant. It was now the summer time in LA, which meant I could no longer wear a long cardigan to cover my arms with. Plus my boss was getting funny with me wearing bracelets to hide my wrists. I used to be good at covering my scars. I’d be able to cover them with heavy foundation and powder, so much so that Ashton didn't know I used to hurt myself the first 6 months of us dating. I remember the day he caught me though.

“Y/N, which shirt should I wear to the dinner ton-” he said, carrying two choices of shirts. He stopped his sentence as he walked into the bathroom. He could see the blood in the sink, dripping around the edge of the sick and onto the floor. He then noticed the blood on my wrists, and the blade in my shaky right hand. He ran over to me, grabbing the razor out of my band and throwing it into the toilet. He then grabbed the nearest white towel and wrapped it tightly around my arm. He then grabbed me, pulled me to the floor and pulled me into a deep embrace. 

“Wh-why did you do this to yourself?” he questioned my actions. I sobbed into his chest.

“I don-don't know i-I'm sor-sorry” I sobbed back. I fully knew well why I did it. Just everything had recently been too much. From work, college and family stuff, I wasn't coping. My only release was through hurting myself. If i’d just remembered to lock the door, none of this would have happened. 

“Please promise me you won't do this again” he asked me softly. I looked up at him. His blotchy red eyes were wet just like mine. How could I promise such a big thing? Yet I could see how much it was affecting him,

“I promise” fully meaning it. 

Or so I thought. Sat here after a stressful day. My boss had made me work double the amount of time I was supposed to, my car had broke down, my Mum had phoned to say I had to pay her for some shopping she did for me a while back, and to top it all off, Ashton and I had plans to go out to dinner with the other 5SOS boys to celebrate the release of their new album. I just wasn't up for it. We’d argued just before we were due to go out, over who was going to drive to the restaurant. 

“Ash just let me drive, you’ll want to have a drink and i’m not fussed about drinking!” I huffed.

“You won't, you’ll moan later that you will be the only sober one there” he said, rushing around the room trying to get ready. 

“Well lets get an Uber then!” I suggested, trying to diffuse the tension.

“Ubers are expensive, Y/N!” he exclaimed. 

“Uh you always make our plans so difficult!” I screamed, shutting myself in the bathroom door. 

“Y/N please open the door. I’m worried about you” Ashton said on the other side of the door, snapping me back into reality. I was still laying on the floor, black mascara smudged around my face. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror, seeing my reflecting made me cry more. I opened the cabinet on the wall and grabbed my hairbrush. Ashton didn't know but I'd hidden a spare razor inside my hairbrush. I took my top off, releasing my bare skin. I admired the scars I already had present on my wrist. I traced a finger along the new and old scars, thinking of where to place my newest addition. I felt further tears fall from my eyes. Suddenly, I heard a loud bang, and saw Ashton barging through the door. He’d actually smashed our wooden bathroom door to get through. I froze, unable to move. Before I could do anything, Ashton once again snatched the razor away from my wrist. He help me tight once again, as I collapsed into his arms. I was so exhausted and emotionally drained, I drifted off to sleep in his arms, on the bathroom floor. 

*A few days later*

“A wellness centre? You're kidding right?” I asked, looking at the leaflet.

“I think it would be a good break for us both! Plus its more of a spa in Holland Y/N, surrounded by beautiful lakes” Ashton said, smiling as he beckoned my body onto his lap as he sat at the dining room table on his laptop. I sighed, reluctant to sit. Since having my meltdown the other day, Ashton had been researching holidays for us, and had come across a wellness centre in Europe. The aim of the centre was to allow individuals to “explore and heal their emotions”. Yuck, I thought. 

“I think it would be a great idea babe. Some time off work. I’ve been able to push back some album promotion stuff too with the guys, they’ll continue it without me” Ashton said. 

“Ash you can't do that, your album has just come out, you need to promote the shit out of it!” I sighed. 

“Yes, but my priority is YOU Y/N” he replied. I smiled at this comment, still feeling bad for him. Him and the other 5SOS boys had been working so hard on the album. I couldn't take Ashton away from that. 

“You won't be taking me away Y/N, I need a break too. And I think you could do with one too” he replied, cocking his head to the side and pouting. You couldn't disagree. You did need a little therapy to help you deal with your depression. You'd been to a therapist and doctor endless times, however no medication or yoga position or music cured you. 

“Deal, but I want the window seat on the plane” I sighed, finally giving up.

“Deal” 

***************

“Welcome, to Escape, a wellness centre” you heard a women at the front desk say to you in a calming voice. You calmly sighed, already feeling relaxed. A bell boy came and took your bags as you checked in. Ashton squeezed your hand and smiled at you, kissing you on the cheek. You were given the keys to your room, and were amazed at how big the room was. You had a king size bed, TV, free mini bar and ensuite, followed by a balcony which had an amazing view of the lake.

“I think I’m going to like it here” I whispered. 

*************

The only downside to being at this wellness centre was the group therapy. I totally got why Ashton was so desperate for us to come here, it was due to the therapy techniques. They had couple counselling, 1:1 therapy and this; group therapy. Ashton had made my go to every single activity on offer. I groaned as soon as Ashton said it started at 9am. I crawled my body there, sitting in a circle with him on my left, and the session leader, a blonde girl called Marissa, on my right.

“Welcome to group therapy, my name is Marissa, and I will be leading this session” she welcomed everyone. Throughout the whole session, Marissa went on about our star signs and have they have emotional connections with one another etc blah blah blah. But towards the end of the session I started to agree what she said. She said that the actions we take out on ourselves are never permanent, and that we should not be reminded of them. She also said that pain was never permanent and that any difficulties could be dealt with closely. I decided to book a 1:1 therapy slot with her straight after. 

“So tell me Y/N, what brings you here?” she asked me in my session. I sighed, just wanting to run out of the room and cry. I hated talking about myself. 

“Well, I don't know if I’m honest. My boyfriend thought it would be good if I came to see you. Al this kinda stuff seems, well rubbish to me”.

“I see. What would you like to talk about?”

I became silent, just wanting to burst open like a balloon, and spill out all of my worries, concerns and fears. I didn't feel confident enough yet, so I decided to open up about the main reason why I was here.

“My attempt to destroy myself a few weeks back”.

“Describe what happened”.

And so I did. I sat there, for 45 minutes, telling Marissa every single detail of how I felt recently. My work stress, my college deadlines, dealing with dating a famous person. I spoke about how my Mum and Dad had gotten divorced when I was young. I talking about the time my Dad and Mum physically fought in front of me. I talked about how my first boyfriend cheated on me, breaking my heart. I was finally able to open up to someone. And I felt so safe afterwards. I finally felt open, and ready to talk to Ashton about how I felt. At the end of the session, Marissa handed me a positive quotes book. At first I sniggered, but turning through the book as I left made me smile. Inside was a small pack of crayons with a colouring page on each page. Each page had a self healing quote. At the front of the book it read

“Every time you find yourself healing a little more, colour in a page”

I decided to colour in the first page, to commence the first chapter of my recovery. The first quote read:

“Healing is an art. It takes time, practice and love”

I walked back into our room, jumped on the bed and started colouring in my first book. As soon as I got comfy, I heard our door unlock, and was greeted by a very relaxed looking Ashton, in a dressing gown, who had just come back from a massage. I giggled.

“Someone looks happy” I said to him. He smiled

“I could say the same for you” he replied. “Do you fancy hiring one of the boats to go on the lake tonight?”

“Sounds lovely” I replied, heading to my wardrobe to choose something to wear to dinner. 

***************

I hopped onto the boat, and slipped on my 5SOS merch hoodie, noticing the temperature on the lake dip from earlier. Ashton slipped on his black merch hoodie too.

“We have good taste” I giggled at him, pointing to our matching outfits. Dinner at the restaurant in the centre was beautiful. A buffet full of every food you could think of, from meat to salad, pasta to potatoes. Ashton went up and got fifth, probably sixths. I chucked at my boys’ appetite, that boy could compete in an eating contest and thrash everyone, shame he never ate my cooking. I saved room for desert, admiring the chocolate cake. We spent a few hours in the restaurant, discussing our last few days in this beautiful place.

“Hold on tight!” I heard the boat captain shout. He drove us out onto the lake, I could see the bright sun beginning to set around us. I took a few pictures and selfies of our beautiful surroundings. 

“Ash”

“Yeah?”

“I am so sorry”

“What for baby girl?”

“For how I've been around you recently. For feeling low, for doing stupid stuff to mys-” I said. I was interrupted by Ashton wrapping his entire chest around me, kissing my forehead. 

“Baby you don't need to apologise. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way for so long. I wish I knew what to do, I now know how to help you more. That’s why I thought coming here would be good, for the both of us.” he whispered. 

“I feel so much better coming here Ash. I emotionally feel healed. Like when this trip is over, I can go back to work. Actually fuck that, fuck this job. I’m quitting. That place never made me happy” I sigh.

“That's my girl, always grabbing life by the balls!!” Ashton screamed and cheered. I feel a finger trail along my left arm. “What about...this..baby?”. I instantly know what he’s talking about.

I sigh. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m scared Ash. I don’t want to do it anymore. I won’t let myself do it anymore. When we get back, i’m going to go and see a proper psychologist. I want to stop Ash, and I think with you by my side I can”. I sighed, looking at the beautiful sky.

“I won't let you go, Y/N, I'm here. Always”.

Masterlist

[5soslittlepuppies]

ITD BAD THAT I DONT WANT A VIDEO for castaway? i menat i would love it and all but its lñike a song that just the fam nows. i dont wanna go to school and ifind everyone singing it. i mean im the onlyy one who knows the song in my class. and they are all hormonal teeneages. sorry i feel bad now. i want a castaway video. 

im so bipolar