#AKA I made these before I came out as bi (and was struggling accepting that) so the cringe/cognitive dissonance is pretty ripe

[kodasea]

AMA FILES #1 (2021)

[divagonzo]

Little bit of Ace History***

... for those who are doing headcanons for Pride month.

*** History being from the last generation. So... recent history.

***************

While Asexual was in the grad school text books, it was, as a queer orientation, on the fringes for considerably longer than Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Trans. It wasn’t spoken of except in queer spaces and even then, it was more of an after-thought. Like the Mesopotamians (and Mayans independently) - people couldn’t and, somewhat, can’t fathom those who don’t feel sexual attraction (or those who don’t feel romantic attraction or some who have no attraction romantically or sexually.)

Since society is built on populations, the presumption that everyone wants sex or engages in it and those who don’t are aberrant - is a hindrance to those of us who don’t feel it (or, like some, like the idea in theory but not in practice, or those who it’s once in a lifetime (my spouse) or those who have to know someone for a long period of time before thinking, “Would I consider getting physical with them?” (aka Me!) or those who have sexual repulsion - and they are as valid as anyone else under the Asexual spectrum umbrella.)

Asexual was, originally, under the Bisexual umbrella - and like many Bi people of the earlier eras (and sadly still happening) being told they aren’t queer enough for A) The community and B) not Gay enough to be included. (Hence my absolute loathing to gatekeepers for having gone through it back in the early 90s!) Toss in the derision towards bi/pan people who “are selfish/greedy/can’t make up their mind / teases / etc” and you have a boiling pot of potential gatekeeping, especially for those who could really use some informational resources so they know that they aren’t broken & nothing is wrong with how they are.

Yes, Asexual was listed on the fringes but it wasn’t until the early Naughts that the word even made it to notice - much less being more accepted openly. But the biggest kicker is that while being Gay was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Model (what is used by American Psychiatry for diagnosing not normal behavior) in 1973..... being Asexual wasn’t removed until 2013.

Yes, you read that right. 2013. The first published college text on Asexuality wasn’t published until 2012 - and written from a heterosexual white male perspective (and it’s a bit rubbish by comparison to casual anecdotes from those in the community and on AVEN. I know. I bought the book and read it.) While the elderly spinster dowager is more socially acceptable, being a man/male and being Ace in a society that says that men have to be hypersexual.... is harmful to them, too, especially when they are too hindered to be able to come out and say, “I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone.”

Having no sexual attraction to others was considered aberrant behaviors. And for some, it still is, especially those who think that Ace people (and Aros too, y’all aren’t being forgotten!) should be sexually available to anyone and everyone - and some sods think that the attitude of “You’ve not met the right one” or “I’ll f* you to fix you” is helpful and not actively oppressive or harmful.

Obviously (insert professional quality eyeroll here) people need medications because they don’t want to f* every walking human who passes by - which is toxic even in a hypersexual society. There must be something wrong with them if they aren’t out at a bar looking for a casual hook-up / one night stand.

<shudder>

Why do I bring this up?

I read a posting and it mentioned a fictional character being out as AroAce in 1994.

Jessica Rabbit was a thing back in 1988. But the terms for her besides the negative ones weren’t there ‘til a decade later, if not longer.

While I love the idea that this knowledge was available in the era, I have to take Umbridge (while not detracting from their post) that this is vastly incorrect and harmful to those of us who lived through this era and struggled for decades (yes, I said decades) to know that being Ace is fine and dandy. It’s hard to research harder when you don’t even know a starting point to go look this information up - especially when it was mostly limited to just blooming Queer studies courses in colleges and everything was either published journals or hidden inside academic speak of graduate schools. (I took a couple of undergrad psychology classes and I went back and looked and the terms weren’t even in the books. This was 1995, for those in Rio Linda and Blackpool.)

There’s plenty of my peers who are just now coming to understand that the feelings of dissociation, loathing, guilt, apathy aren’t because they are with the wrong person. It’s performative behavior towards others and personally harmful. It’s letting people f* you so they are content when it’s personally harmful (especially if consent isn’t completely clear.

What would have been said in 1994 was that “he must be gay” even if he was dating a girl and nothing was happening physically. “She must be his beard” would have been said too if performative behaviors weren’t happening. Why? Because being Asexual wasn’t a thing in the era AT ALL. It wasn’t even considered.

Hell, even now there are people*** who will not believe you when you say that you don’t want to have sex - as men or women or non-binary. No, they must fix  you by non-consenting means & their warped logic for the resultant trauma will magically make you want to have sex with people.

Ewwww. Hell no.

I have someone I know who has been repeatedly subjected to their consent being violated when they said no - because they are Ace and people (both of the binary for this person) refused to take No for an answer and.... well, you can fill in the blanks.

Or the not funny bits of “Oh you must be a potato” and other derision of you not being potentially sexually available for other people. This especially goes for those who are Heteroromantic Ace people - like family I have.

I was the first one they came out to, because I’ve been pretty loud about it in SM spaces. They felt safe to say such to me, especially with an, “OK. Cool” reply to it.

I didn’t want them to struggle mentally and emotionally (when they were already neurodivergent) thinking something was wrong with them by not wanting to have icky squicky physical relationships. But by being there, armed with knowledge now it saved them decades of grief and emotional turmoil.

My radical kindness is being the space the baby aces need so they can have a human resource for them, so they know they aren’t broken, that they are valid and accepted, and that they don’t have to behave in certain ways to feel accepted - especially in the queer community.

So yeah, sex might be cool but how about acceptance of people who lived in the era who didn't have the world at their fingertips to know themselves, much less the language to even have a label that fit.

[whisperoftheheart925]

Ooooh, for the character ask how about carter kane, pollux from pjo and uhhhh sam winchester? <3

Omg what great character choices!!!! 

1) Starting with Sam Winchester

Sexuality Headcanon: So obviously this man likes girls quite a lot, but I just get the vibes that he experimented with guys in college and is so chill with it he barely even thinks about it anymore, so either bi or bicurious

Gender Headcanon: I have the tendency to assume he’s cis but I could see Sam as a trans guy too

A ship I have with said character: I never moved on from shipping season 5 samifer, the whole made for each other thing, the whole two sides of the same coin, the whole I’m the only one who’ll ever truly understand you, that’s what still draws me to that ship (soulmates but make it angsty and painful)

A BROTP I have with said character: I mean would it even be supernatural if I didn’t mention his relationship with Dean? But that seems like a cop out cause they’re actual brothers so I’m gonna say Castiel or Rowena. Castiel because they’re both people who want faith in their lives, and who have a lot of respect for the people they love. And watching them overcome the initial tensions that came from Sam being the boy with the demon blood was really sweet. The sort of friendship and bond that comes from being close to the same person. Rowena because in later seasons Sam doesn’t get too much development and I think their friendship is one of the better things that happened to his character

A NOTP I have with said character: I doubt its controversial to say I don’t ship wincest? That would probably be my only true notp, but also since I wanna be spicy, I don’t really see him with Gabriel? They’re sweet in aus but I don’t see Sam going for Gabriel’s flirtations, he seems a lot more intense and serious in romances (with jess and ruby for example)

A random headcanon: This one is tricky cause I read so much fic I don’t know what’s canon and what’s headcanon anymore. I think in the age of spotify he listens to it a lot to make up for the years when Dean would only play classic rock before he softened up

General Opinion over said character: Sam is someone I have a lot of strong feelings for, he fits into that niche of characters that I both relate to in terms of struggles as well as look up to for how he deals with them. I like the struggle against darkness within him, and his worth, and whether he’s a monster or not due to what happened to him, I do feel like his character was wasted a bit towards the end of the show though

2) Pollux our favorite lil Dionysus kid 

Sexuality Headcanon: I feel like Dionysus kids are often pan and I headcanon Pollux as poly too

Gender Headcanon: Cis

A ship I have with said character: Ooooh I've never though of this let me dig up canon characters roughly his age. I can see him crushing on Michael Yew and Katie Gardner, quick witted and bossy but good people.

A BROTP I have with said character: Charles Beckendorf. I think Pollux would respect Beckendorf’s hard working attitude and kind heart, and I think Pollux would find his awkwardness around people endearing since he’s a bit awkward himself and they’d probably be those friends that can like work on their hobbies around each other.

A NOTP I have with said character: Never in a million years with Clarisse, the poor boy would get trampled on and I think she’d be mean (I’m sorry Clarisse I love you I promise)

A random headcanon: He’s awkward and shy, and a little sheltered but he’s very sweet. After his brother died he had a hard time opening up to people, and became very private, but he’s a good teacher and is very dedicated to helping his dad with the strawberry fields.

General Opinion over said character: He’s such a cool character, I really love him in the original pjo series because he’s very very much a background character but he makes the world richer. I love that through him Mr D. gets to show a softer and more caring side and one that is fiercely loyal and protective, and I think that was an important part of the message of pjo, how the gods are shitty parents but most of them do care in their own way even though they never show it, and I’m glad Pollux was able to do that. I think he deserved better (aka for his twin brother not to die kay thanks) and I would have loved to see more of him in the rest of the series.

3) Finally our lovely Carter Kane

Sexuality Headcanon: Straight, demi-romantic and utterly clueless

Gender Headcanon: Cis

A ship I have with said character: Zarter! If it isn’t broke don’t fix it. This boy is head over heals for a strong confident and sassy woman who could kill him and really, who wouldn’t be? I love the thought of them bonding over their unconventional childhoods and their longing to discover things they think are “normal” but that they missed out on. I also think they would fall into the kind of relationship where they’re best friends, they have full and utter trust in each other, and they also discover how to navigate romance together

A BROTP I have with said character: Once again picking Sadie feels like a cop out. I really like his relationship with Amos too, but he’s Carter’s uncle so not sure it fits. I like to think of his relationship with Walt as being very close and like, the kind of brotherly trust that would make them close friends and have each other’s backs all the time

A NOTP I have with said character: Not sure I have one since any ship involving him makes me happy just because it has him in it and he deserves love. However I have seen a lot of fics with him and Horus, and I actually don’t think I like it all that much? Maybe cause Horus is often a bit immature with his emotions I don’t know how well their chemistry would work. This is out of character for me cause usually I really love the concept of host/supernatural entity ships, but maybe it’s also cause Carter is so young in the first book and Horus seems way too old for him? Maybe when Carter is in his 30s?

A random headcanon: I think he would come into his responsibilities very quickly. I think while he would accept Amos as being mostly in charge for a while he would try to be involved with changing how the House of Life is run as Pharaoh, because he’d see it as his responsibility and he’d do everything in his power to do it right, and prove to those that doubt him that he has what it takes.

General Opinion over said character: He’s my favorite character in the Kane Chronicles and probably in the whole Riordan verse. He means a lot to me because I also had to fly around a lot when I was a kid and I moved around a lot too, so when I read these books I could relate a lot to the idea of feeling like the airport is your home. I also grew up with a single parent of the same gender as me wishing I had known members of my very near family better than I did. Also I knew what it felt like to want to go out and play with kids my age but to not be able to because I couldn’t speak the language, and I felt really close to Carter because I see my own childhood represented in him. He’s also very rule abiding and I loved that his dad told him not to do something and he actually followed that, because same haha. I can only hope to one day become as strong and confident as him.

This took waaay longer than expected and I wrote way too much, but it was so fun, thank you @bluecookiesforrick once again for these! <3 love you!!!

[psychicglitterdetective]

I am so damn angry

(Rant alert, so if you're not interested, just skip this post)

Alright, I'm so pissed about all the shit I've been going through the last few years of my life. (I'm currently 15 almost 16 rn)

It all happened with my dad. To put it in short, he emotionally manipulated me eversince I was a little kid. In context, I've been living with my grandparents for as long as I can remember due to my dad nor mom having stable jobs and my grandparents (mom's side) were generous enough to let us live with them for this many years.

I was extremely close to my grandfather, he would actually act like a dad then how my own father was. My dad was, to put it in short, a deadbeat. He would always lock himself in our room and just watch TV, if he isn't working. He would always tell me that my grandparents (more especially my grandfather) were bad people and to not get close to them. He also manipulated my mom from visiting her own family (sisters, brothers, etc.) So, we were basically closed off from them all.

Growing up, he was extremely overprotective over me. He wouldn't let me have guy friends, so I would just lie that I didn't have them when I did. I was extremely passionate in ice skating, it would of helped me be more in shape and I would do something other than being locked all day In my house. But he didn't let me, due to the outfits being "skimpy" and "would attract too much male attention" EVEN THOUGH I was fucking 7-9 years old when I took interest in it, I didn't even know how babies were made, and I wasn't even interested in "attracting" boys.

In my early adolescents, I started to get a bit into more "girly stuff" aka make up. I wanted to learn to wear make up to make myself feel pretty. And my mom was all for it. But my dad yelled at my mom, "She's not allowed to wear that shit until she's 18." Most of the girl's from middle, already knew how to wear makeup, and I didn't know Jack shit, I felt extremely left out.

And then, one day, it all came crashing down. It was a seemingly a normal day for me. It was after school, (when I was maybe 11 or 12) me and my mom walked into the house when we heard my grandfather talking to my grandmother. I can't remember especially what he said, but he said something about kicking my dad out.

My mom immediately went to her room, grabbed a suitcase. Practically shoved all of our stuff into it, grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the house.

I should of probably mentioned this before, but my mom was pregnant with my brother at the time and, by command of my father, hid it from my grandparents.

The two must of heard my mom slamming the door and my grandma almost immediately called my mom and asked her what happened. My mom basically dropped an atomic bomb on my grandma and told her that she was pregnant and hung up on her.

After that, we would be homeless for the next couple of months. We would sleep in the car and jump from hotels and motels depending on how much money we would have on us. We would also stay with friends until my brother would be born.

At this point my brother was born. One day, someone offered my dad a job in Florida. He quickly accepted and we would have a road trip to Florida. At first I was enthusiastic, I wanted to think that this would help us have a house and have actual food.

But then, when we got there. The man said that would get us a job wasn't even in Florida, but was in another state where there has been a lot of snowing. So, we basically stayed in a rest spot for maybe a month.

At this point, I haven't been in school for five months. For some people, it would be a blessing. But for me it was a nightmare. It was extremely boring and I had nothing to do. I was, once again, locked in a small space.

My dad was a addicted to smoke. And people with addiction know if if you can't have the thing that you are addicted to, you'd get angry and would do anything thing to get it.

One day in that nightmarish month, my brother was crying because of not eating all day. My mom couldn't lactate and we haven't had money to buy him any milk. So, of course he would be cranky. My dad didn't have any cigarettes that day, and then he yelled at me and my mom the scariest thing that still echoes through my mind to this day.

"Quiet that thing up before I kill it."

For me, an eleven year old to hear those words come out of his mouth, I officially become scared of my father. I didn't cry, because I was scared that my father would kill me.. My mom was scared and immediately picked up my brother, and pulled him as far away as she could from my father. My dad immediately left the car when I broke down.

None of us would talk to each other for a while.

The two then got a job in a hotel. That was the time when I was forced to grow up. My parents had night shifts. So I would stay up all night so that I would take care of my brother. I was basically a second mother to my brother. I would be the one to feed him, dress him, bathe him, play with him. I had to grow up faster than most so that I could take care of him.

My parents were rarely there in those times. I tried to stay positive, and tried not to complain. But how could I tell my parents I didn't want to take care of my brother, even though they couldn't be there so that they could get money. I just couldn't.

It was because of this that it's extremely hard for me to even be clear with my emotions towards people. I would always bottle it all up, and try to not let it show. Yet, I'm naturally a very emotional person so it's extremely hard on me on a daily basis.

I had grown used to changing my brother. To others it would be disgusting, yet for me, it was nothing due to how many times I had changed him that I didn't bat an eye when changing him. My dad, when he would be on break, would force me to change him if he pooped. it disgusted him, I had to do it and I was barely getting into puberty.

I had nothing to do, other than taking care of my brother. I had no friends, I did have a phone, which is where I got my passion on writing. I had finally found something I was truly passionate that no one could take away from me. I would write fanfiction about creepypasta when ever I had the time.

(Which is extremely cringy looking back at it, but it came from a time that I needed something to entertain myself so I kind of look at them in pride.)

To get specific of how we lived. We were cramped in a small generic hotel room. We lived across a Walmart, so we would walk over and get microwaved food so we would have something to eat. We would only eat once a day so that my brother would have more to eat. So, there would be days were I wouldn't eat. I had gone on not eating for maybe 2 almost 3 days. I know what starving feels like.

I can't remember when, but our car got taken away due to not paying for it. The owners were threatening on kicking us out for basically the same thing. So, we were forced to call our grandparents so that we wouldn't be homeless without a car.

During this whole time, my father was putting ideas into my head about how it was their fault that we were homeless for a year.

When they finally came, i didn't talk. I was in a position of being extremely touch starved but didn't want any physical contact with anyone. My grandfather tried to talk to me, but I still couldn't talk. It was like I was forcing myself in not talking.

A few days after, we finally came back to my hometown. They did everything to help me feel back at home. They would take care of my brother so that I wouldn't worry, and even got me back in school.

Everything was looking up. Another thing I should of mentioned is that my parents started to fight a few weeks before going back in my hometown. It would sometimes go from a small disagreement to a full blown yelling contest.

I would always lock myself and my brother in the bathroom and tried to distract my brother by playing with him.

When we got in my hometown, the fights seemed to have gotten worse. I could get a full blown panic attack when ever people would yell at me. I would shut down until was alone in my room when I would start to cry and curl into a ball.

One day, my mom decided that it was enough for her, and decided to leave him. He began to cry, begged on his knees to my mom to let him stay. But she refused. He asked my grandfather if he could atleast sleep in the car in our parking yard but he refused. He came into my room and told me that my mom didn't want him anymore.

In some ways, I knew this was happening. My mom told me, and it gave me trust issues. Mostly towards men and love in general.

I was struggling with sexuality at the time. I was interested in guys romantically, but then I started to get into girl's as well. I come from a strict Christian family, (and I am a proud Christian as well) but most of my family, apart from my cousins, were some what against the lgbtq+. Like, they supported the people who were outside of the family. If it's outside of the family, they would be fine. So I was scared of coming out as bi-curious.

I told me mom one day, in a care ride but she told me that the moment I started to date, that I can't be bi. Even though you don't have to date to know that your sexually interested in the opposite gender.

This is already a long post, I'm sorry. I just wanted to get this out of my chest. I want to get therapy but like I said I'm very closed off with my emotions and my mom wouldn't believe me. I already made a post about my room situation.

Again, I'm sorry for this lengthy post. I just wanted to get this off of my chest, and no one that knows me personally is here so I don't have to worry.

If anything wants to ask for anything, feel free as long as it's not too personal (than it already is lol)

[streaks-of-lavender]

Ouran High School Host Club AU

So, since I apparently matched the sides to host club members in an unusual way, I decided to give a more in-depth explanation. Which of course means I went way overboard and it got so long I’m debating whether or not I should put it under the cut. Anyways, have some rambling character analysis. Also, SPOILERS. SPOILERS EVERYWHERE. FOR THE OURAN MANGA AND ANIME, AND FOR THE SANDERS SIDES. You have been warned. 

I’m gonna tag @not-so-innocent-bi-sander because I can’t stop bugging her, apparently.

Patton: While Roman would normally be the obvious choice for Tamaki, I went with Patton, because pairing Roman and Tamaki feels like taking them at face value and personally I don't think it does their characters justice. Patton seems much more fitting for Tamaki. One of the things made apparent about Tamaki throughout the anime and the manga is his inherent goodness. Yes, he can be dramatic and annoying at times and often doesn't think things through, but he has a heart of gold and it shows. Everybody loves Tamaki. He brought the host club together. All those people who were hurting and broken that normally would never have given each other the time of day, they were all brought together by one thing: Tamaki and their love for him. Tamaki is giving and kind despite his stubbornness and drama. I think he has a lot of similarities to Patton. Patton is the dad who loves all his children (the other sides and Thomas) unconditionally. At the same time, he isn't afraid to call them out when they need it. He's silly and fun and everyone loves him, even if they underestimate his intelligence at times. An obvious parallel is that Patton is the dad character, while Tamaki insisted throughout the series that the host club was a family. Slightly more serious, Tamaki and Patton will both push people away and lie about how they're doing because they don't want anyone to worry or be a burden. This is more apparent in the host club manga than the anime, but it's still there. There's also Kyoya. Tamaki wasn't afraid of Kyoya, he didn't back off when Kyoya tried to push him away. He forced his way in and was quick to call him out on his bullshit. The two became best friends and had such a beautiful, unique relationship. Patton and Virgil were pretty much the same way. Patton wouldn't take no for an answer, he was the only one willing to see Virgil as he truly was. He refused to let Virgil talk bad about himself. And when Virge left, Patton was the first one to notice. Basically, Patton and Tamaki have the most similarities in my opinion. They have a lot of love to give, they bring people together, they're silly and fun and dramatic (Patton can be dramatic, too. It's not just Roman). To me, they seem like an obvious match.

Virgil: If Patton is Tamaki, then who could Virgil be except for Kyoya? They're best friends no matter how irritated Kyoya (aka Virgil) pretends to be. And there are notably comparable things about Virge and Kyo. Kyoya spent his whole life trying to meet impossible goals, friendless, pushing people away, constantly being told he wasn't good enough by the people who were supposed to care about him. Sound familiar? Virgil went through the same thing for a long time (see: everything leading up to Accepting Anxiety parts 1 and 2). And then Patton came into his life the way Tamaki came to Kyoya. Tamaki was like Kyoya's savior. He showed him that his family was wrong, that he was enough, that he could be his own person and it was okay. And Kyoya loves him so much. For proof, go back to the episode "And so Kyoya Met Him," in which Haruhi asks how on earth Kyoya and Tamaki are friends and Kyoya then proceeds to monologue for a good 20 minutes about how the two met after staring at Tamaki and smiling for a solid 15 seconds (Moxiety shippers, have some fuel). Patton was the only one who was never scared of Virgil, who accepted him from the start, who wasn't about to let anyone hurt his dark strange son, even Virgil himself. Patton loved him all along even when the others didn't. And now the two are best friends, and you can bet that Virgil will do anything to protect his dad. Somehow, despite all their differences, the two just work. They fit perfectly. Tamaki and Kyoya. Patton and Virgil. It works. 

Roman: Oh, Roman. What to do with you? He's a total drama queen who needs constant attention, sometimes isn't very nice, butts heads with the others, but still tries his best. Hikaru. Hikaru, Tamaki's rival, Kaoru's beloved twin, hot headed, impulsive, a bit rude at times, but genuinely cares about his friends. Neither of them exactly have the best track record. They've (unintentionally) hurt the people they care about, but they feel bad and want to fix the situation. They're the characters with the most room for growth in my opinion, and they're trying, gosh darn it. Sure, they make mistakes. Sure, they can be ridiculously impulsive. Sure, they speak without thinking a lot of the time. But they try so hard. Hikaru and Arai or Tamaki or even Haruhi. Roman and Virgil or Logan. They messed up. They hurt people. And they're trying to make it right. Haruhi actually slaps Hikaru at one point when he goes too far. The sides and Thomas can't touch each other, but Thomas has given Roman the verbal equivalent (Accepting Anxiety part 2). Overall assessment of characters: sometimes problematic but doing their best. Very good boys. Hikaru is loved by his family, especially his brother. And by Tamaki. Patton as a side loves Roman, and Patton as Tamaki loves Roman as Hikaru. At one point in the manga Hikaru got sick and fainted while on a class trip, and when Tamaki found out, he freaked out and instantly went to see him and make sure he was okay despite being all the way in Tokyo. That is definitely something Patton would do. But Hikaru and Kaoru have a special bond, which leads into our next person, Thomas. 

Thomas: Thomas would definitely be Kaoru. He can be somewhat naive at times, but often he's level-headed when the others, especially his brother, aren't. He has a special relationship with Hikaru. Kaoru loves him so much, but also isn't afraid to call him out when necessary, much like Thomas with Roman. A lot of the time the sides (besides Patton) can be a bit rude to Roman, but Thomas is generally really accepting and quick to show Ro how much he cares. Much like Hikaru and Kaoru, their relationship is cute and sweet and it just works really well. Similar to how Thomas is at the center of the sides, Kaoru doesn't really have an extreme to match anyone else. He's just happy to be there with the people he cares about. That sounds like Thomas to me.

Haruhi: This one took some debating, but I finally decided that Logan would be Haruhi. They're both very smart, but they're not really good at the whole "social interactions" thing. Haruhi cares for her friends, but is also quick to get frustrated with them and doesn't really understand how people work. Like, she's compassionate, but she's also blunt and often oblivious. She seems to have a hard time reading the mood. Before the host club, she spent a lot of her time alone just studying because she didn't see the point in other things. The club helps her with that the same way the sides help Logan. Both of them struggle with seeing things from a different perspective. They'll write things off that they don't see the value in. But they try, they want to learn and improve, and their friends are happy to help them with that. 

Hunny: Deceit would be Hunny. I'll be honest, I don't really have as much solid reasoning for this one. Hunny seems cute and sweet and innocent on the surface, but he's actually incredibly smart and powerful. That boy knows exactly how to manipulate people into giving him what he wants. So yeah. Deceit.

Mori: Jamal. There's really no reasoning behind this one. I ran out of sides and I greatly appreciate Jamal. He's cool. That's it. (Side note, I’m really, really sorry if I spelled his name wrong. I couldn’t remember. If it’s wrong and someone knows how to spell it right, please tell me.)

Renge: Joan. Because it would be really funny. That’s all.

[wellthatwasaletdown]

"u don't see pll bringing gay flags in Niall's show or Biebers. they do it bc they think he's gay or bi"

Harry has "supported" lgbt related things since 1D. I don't really remember Niall posting rainbows on his ig and twitter.. Not a fan of JB so have no clue if he's been involved in those movements/communities either. I remember Harry making special TPWK merch shirts for Pride month and also supporting things like Ending gun violence and International women's day etc. (when I say support I mean he has either tweeted things in support of those causes or worn a shirt or had a sticker on his guitar. I use that term lightly). He also kind of endorsed King Princess when her song 1950 came out and had the band Muna, which consists of three queer identifying individuals, on his first tour.

I think people just assumed from those things that he was down with the cause aka progressive and generally open and accepting of all people, so they brought their flags. Pretty sure people don't bring blm flags to Niall or Justin's concerts either... why could that be? Probably because they haven't presented theirselves as individuals who are somewhat invested in these movements. And a reminder that we have to look at everything in the context of the times. This was all before Harry did those interviews exposing just how little he actually knows/cares about the lgbt community and their struggles. Same thing in regards to the blm movement. People brought flags because Harry had made his concerts seem like a safe space.

.

[thereallygoodblogshow]

MA Fashion and Textile Practices Major Project Path - 3rd September

Punk and Vivienne Westwood

One of those New York emerging bands was The New York Dolls. They were struggling musicians who also designed and made their own clothes to make extra cash. Founder of the band Sylvain Slyvain and his high school friends Billy Mercier and Giovanni Genzale (aka Johnny Thunders) took inspiration from Marc Bolan, make up from their girlfriends bags and the clothes from their wardrobes to create the unique look of the Dolls. Slyvain would travel to the UK to buy items from Kensington Market and the Kings Road to form their androgynous look.  

Proto Punk Apothecary, n.d. (2016). The New York Dolls - Live at the The Boston Armory [Photograph]. Retrieved from https://protopunkapothecary.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-new-york-dolls-live-at-bottom-line.html.

The image was to prove attention seeking in all wrong (right!) ways. The band were asked of the were homosexual or bi-sexual, but insisted they were try-sexual, they’d try anything! They did upset the gay liberation community who called them transvestites, something which was somewhat of an insult at the time. You’ll notice in the video how lead singer David Johansen is clearly influenced by the Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger. 

The New York Dolls [TheNewYorkDollsVEVO]. (2016, Mar 29). New York Dolls - Personality Crisis [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aQTGqqXHw4

A similar band at the time were Wayne County & The Electric Chairs, lead singer Wayne (aka Jayne) used to wear almost full drag on stage with a huge plastic dildo which squirted milk at the audience. Wayne was also a DJ at a club in where other aspiring musicians would hang out. One day a certain Marky Ramone (aka Mark Steven Bell) walked in and liked what he heard, some of the Electric Chairs had heard Marky play and recommended him to join the band, they then became Wayne County and The Backstreet Boys.   

Gruen, B. (1974). Jayne County, NYC, 1974. [Photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.morrisonhotelgallery.com/photographs/1lkaV5/Jayne-County-NYC-1974.

Wayne County & The Electric Chairs had been inspired by The Stooges early on. Iggy didn’t care, he had a devil may care attitude when he performed and they connected with that. Iggy (2019) said of the way he felt back then:

“I sort of started to see things a different way. There was this feeling something had to happen that was more amazing to look at, more aggressive to listen to. It wasn’t some sort of marketing plan or something, it was just what I felt inside, how I wanted to be. Look out, watch this!” 

Danny Fields - A&R man at Elektra records, was to become a confidant and ‘babysitter’ for Iggy whilst on tour. Iggy became increasingly more extreme in his performances and Fields felt the need to be at their gigs to keep an eye on him, or the audience for safety’s sake. Iggy would pour hot wax on his body, slash his chest with broken glass, smear peanut butter on himself and jump into the audience, nobody did stage diving back then. 

Rolling Stone, n.d. (2016). Iggy Pop, in Cincinatti, the night he whipped peanut butter at the crowd.. [Photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-lists/20-wildest-iggy-pop-moments-72545/first-eyewitness-account-of-iggy-slicing-up-his-torso-may-23-1969-24964/.

Marky Ramone left Wayne County and The Backstreet Boys when he met American singer and songwriter Richard Hell who formed Richard Hell & the Voidoids. After a 1977 UK tour with upcoming bands like The Clash they came back to New York where Marky went to the club CBGB in Manhattan's East Village. Here he met Dee Dee Ramone and was asked if he’d like to join the band. The Ramones were initially inspired by The New York Dolls but gradually formed their own aesthetic, unifying their look with skinny jeans, their own logo t-shirts and black biker jackets. Danny Fields was also the rock and roll columnist for the Soho News the the time and happen to see The Ramones at one of their early gigs. He was impressed and asked to be their manager, they said if you have $3,000 to buy new equipment then the job is yours. Fields clearly thought the band had promise, so asked his mother to lend him the $3,000 to give to the band              

The Ramones [Rhino]. (2018, Sept 12). Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated (Official Music Video) [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bm51ihfi1p4

Many locations throughout the city weren’t suitable for the new wave of bands coming through, but one place that was accepting of this new sound was CBGB’s. The Ramones became regulars players at the club, with female lead Blondie as its warm up band. They were the warm up act for The Ramones for more than two years who just got better and better. I have always loved Blondie, my brother being a fan growing up I often heard their music coming from his bedroom. Debbie Harry was, and still is a real style icon, she was one of the few female performers who set the tone for women within the music industry.

Taylor, T. (2018). Debbie Harry. [Photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.interviewmagazine.com/culture/obvious-history-debbie-harry-near-fatal-brush-ted-bundy.

The music scene at CBGB’s was one of diversity. Not one band sounded like the other, that early New York music scene didn’t have one defining sound, they just had the attitude of experimentation and expression. The sound didn’t become punk until the authors of Punk Magazine used the phrase to describe it. Three young guys from Connecticut - John Holmstrom, Legs McNeil and Ged Dunn wanted to create a magazine based on their two loves, rock & roll music and cartoons. John had seen The New York Dolls play a song called ‘Teenage News’ and wanted the magazine to be called that, the other guys thought it was a little lame so Legs suggested Punk as a joke. He had seen kids called it on films and TV shows, and been called it a few times himself, so thought it fitting.  

Vogue, n.d. (2016). Punk Magazine. [Illustration]. Retrieved from https://www.vogue.fr/culture/a-voir/diaporama/exposition-the-ramones-punk-new-york-queens-museum-groupe-rock/30884.

The term didn’t go down well with some of the bands at first. The term punk was also use for male prisoners who turned tricks in jail, so the connotations weren’t seen as complimentary. The more the term was used in media and television the more the term punk rock became the phrase used to define the scene, so it inevitably stuck. John Holmstrom (2019) explains what they were trying to do:

“What we were trying to do with Punk Magazine was to redefine Rock & Roll as Punk Rock. The original spirit and rebellion of the 50′s, it wasn’t safe, it wasn’t what your mother listened to, it wasn’t even what your big brother listened to. We wanted to wipe all that out and start over again.” 

Drugs had started to become rife on the scene. Not just recreational drugs such as Marijuana and LSD, but hard drugs such as Heroin. President Nixon was very focused on the drugs influx into America’s towns and cities, but less focused on the amount of Vietnam vets coming back from the war addicted to Heroin and the sheer demand for hard drugs across the nation. With the use of hard drugs, creativity began to suffer and the scene began to diminish. One of the major bands to suffer was The New York Dolls, a few of the band were addicts or alcoholics and they had just been dropped my their management. They were on the verge of breaking up when Slyvain Slyvain was to by chance bump into someone who he had met a few years before; Malcolm McLaren. 

Slyvain had met McLaren and his girlfriend Vivienne Westwood at an International Boutique Show in 1971 where they had discussed their shop ‘Let It Rock’. McLaren was a big fan of the Dolls and invited Sylvain to hang out with him. Seeing an opportunity McLaren got the band members into rehab and cleaned up long enough to wear his clothes to their next gig. McLaren had chance to see many of the bands perform at CBGB’s and noticed their clothing,  which a lot of the bands had put together themselves. He met Richard Hell from the Voidoids and noticed he was wearing a T-shirt which had been ripped apart and then held together with safety pins, and the next thing he and Vivienne were selling clothes with rips and safety pins.  

Gruen, B. (1977). The Voidoids, NYC, 1977. [Photograph]. Retrieved from http://www.bobgruen.com/richard-hell/.

Soon the band were kitted out head to toe in red - to fit in with the bands new song ‘Red Patent Leather’ - all designed by McLaren and Westwood. It was intended to be a new chapter for the band, under McLaren’s management he issued a manifesto stating that the band were no longer puppets of their last management and were free to be who they wanted to be, reminiscent of a communist manifesto. This new marketing ploy however was to fall flat, they weren’t taken seriously by the public or other bands, they had become a bit of a joke. Some of the band members resorted to taking drugs once more and the band split soon after. In Detroit Wayne Kramer from MC5 had become embroiled in the criminal underworld, and started selling drugs to support his new venture. He was caught selling cocaine to undercover federal agents and was sentenced to four years in prison. 

The general consensus about punk rock was that it was on a slow decline in 1970′s America. Not many bands were being signed, and when new releases came out they were lost in the quagmire of Disco and Stadium Rock records. It was considered a niche sound that didn’t travel well outside its home turf. DJ’s on the usual stations didn’t want to play the records, America wasn’t ready for the type of sound punk was pushing. Danny Fields and Linda Stein - The Ramones then joint managers - suggested they introduce the Ramones sound to a UK audience, and McLaren had already suggested to Slyvain that he should come to England as there was a youth culture there which would possibly appreciate the Dolls sound.... 

[tracelii]

Eyesagao: A mcfreakin Essay

Hi welcome to who’s angst is it anywhere, where the AUs are made up and the plotholes don’t matter

Edit: Listen eyesagao aint just me, so I may be forgetting some things or we might have had some ideas that didnt add up or isnt showing up here my ba  d........;;;;;

Because I info dump about completely irrelevant things, I decided to try and talk a bit about all the Eyesagao AUs that exist for all of our angsty needs, but before we get into that (if I can ever get into that without going off topic) here is some very minimal info.

Eyesagao is an Asagao AU. Asagao is a dating sim where you can date your choice of several bois from the Normal Boots ‘club’, aka Normal Boots dudes from youtube. Eyesagao followed with the idea that Jack (septiceye), along with his ‘Anti (septiceye)’ demonic persona asshat dude also goes to Asagao, and Manipulates Jack’s girlfriend (Ellie) and her frendo (Traci) into pretty much fucking going crazy in love and doing all sorts of shit, and basically it’s up to their other frendos Elsa, and Ian (brutalm//oose from the youtubes) to try and keep shit together as they try not only to undercover Anti, but try to get their friends back to normal before someone seriously gets hurt.

And seriously, that’s the simplest way I can put it. The void (from Brutal//moose’s Tele//void!) seems to be where Anti is from, and is also where Ian is held each night for unknown reasons (to ‘appease the void’, who seem to have separate motivations and goals from Anti). Ian is forced to bring Elsa along to the void to keep her safe from Anti, who constantly tries to intimidate her to leave Ellie and Traci to be pawns along with Jack to his game, whatever the fuck his game is.

See, Anti has done this before, at Jack’s previous school. Somehow, Anti gets his grimy little claws into anyone Jack cares about and just drives them c r a z y, and the last time this happened, Jack did not figure out he was possessed, cut loose from his old life, and moved to Asagao, hoping for a new start.

Of course, Anti seems to grow more powerful with attention (like we all tend to do, but he does so literally grow more powerful), so after duping Traci into believing that she loves Jack (and that Jack loves her instead of Ellie), he reveals himself, and by this time, Traci is so blind to what’s happening, she just… accepts that she’s loved Anti all along. This lets him get away with more shit, in and out of the void, including creating these… void gals based on our three heroines/victims. They are pale, initially lifeless copies of Ellie, Elsa, and Traci originally created to bully Elsa out of staying in relative safety of the void, but due to Elsa unintentionally giving the Ellie and Traci copies attention (romantic attention, much like Traci had done with Anti), as well as names (Kelly and Grace), they became their own beings, and though they (And Chelsa, Elsa’s copy who somehow developed differently from the other two) sort of became lackeys to Anti, they don’t try and hurt Elsa anymore. Does this mean anything??? No clue. Now they’re instead trying to convince her to stay in the void with them, still taking her out of the picture, but its less harmful and brute force.

Also, oddly, while being polar opposites, the void girls ARE based on the regular gals, so their behavior reflects what they really want. Chelsa is uptight and strict while Elsa is relaxed and cheerful, but they both want to be the right one- the one that saves the day- the one that can be depended on.

Ellie and Kelly could not be more opposites. Ellie is nice and Kelly is a bitch L M AO. What I mean is that where Ellie is a bit reserved (and a rad asexual), Kelly is like 94% raw sexual energy who uses said energy to get whatever the hell she wants, but they both want so desperately to be needed.

Traci is soft where Grace is rough and unforgiving, Traci also shy where Grace says almost anything without filter. They want someone to want them- to find use in them where they can’t find use in themselves.

That, my friends, is the ‘original’ AU, as untouched by other Eyesagao Aus as I think I can separate it. However, some of the AUs begin after this chapter has ended- After their years at Asagao has taken place. Let me try to make some sense of it?? Of course, there are plotholes to hell, questions and more questions piling on, but hey, we just want the angst, right? Alright, let’s talk some angst then.

DWC AU: Probably the ‘darkest’ au, in which Traci and Jack go missing right before their graduation. (For comparison, Hana, the main character of Asagao, Elsa, Ellie, and Ian are 3rd years, and Traci and Jack seniors). One by one, Elsa, Ian, and Ellie disappear going on into the summer, leaving a whopping 5 missing students between the years. I would say this AU probably involves some of the Asagao cast ‘the most’ because its thanks to them that the missing kids are ‘found’. Basically, DWC stands for Dark Wood Circus, a vocaloid song about a spoopy circus of freaks. Years later, friends of the eyesagao peeps are still searching for their old high school friends when Hana spies a poster of a ringmaster that looks like Jack. Though the group looking for their old friends is moderate in size (Such has Hana, Luke, Mimi, Mai, Satch, a few others), Hana and Mimi sneak away to follow on this lead, only to come to the shocking discovery of said missing friends, now twisted into mindless creatures of the void/circus, run by none other than ‘Jack’. Even this AU kind of sections off into whether they can get their friends out of the circus and the eyegroup (Ian, Elsa, Ellie, and Traci) having to try and remember their old selves. Have we come up with a happy ending to this yet? Nope.

Adult AU: Somehow, though the mysterious powers that be, they survive high school. (I think we initially decided that Jack, now having the knowledge of Anti controlling him, leaves Asagao) But this leaves both Ellie and Traci incredibly broken as adults. Ellie is afraid to commit to anyone else, in fear into falling into ‘old habits’, and remains single and lonely, even going so far as to alienate herself from her friends. Traci ends up with Hana, but is almost a shell of herself. She’s very withdrawn and struggles to come back to feeling comfortable in her own body. This all goes up in smoke when, at a casual friend-reunion/catch-up dinner, Jack accidently ends up being invited along with Traci, who is hellishly convinced that Anti is still with him when Jack is unable to faithfully tell her that Anti is gone. This AU also involves Mimi and Hana, who, a few nights after the dinner, start exhibiting classic symptoms of exposure to anti or the void. (nausea, nose bleeds, dizziness, etc.)

(TGR: another Adult au where they actually do get their shit together, and save Jack. Elsa, who is poly and bi, dates Traci, who is poly and pan, but Elsa also sort of date-mates with Ellie after jokingly asking her out on a date which comes to fruition, with the intention of getting her more comfortable with dating others (as Ellie hadn’t dated anyone since she had Jack had broken up way back when). At first, Ellie and Traci date Elsa separately, desperate not to get in each other’s way, so afraid to be friends after what happened, but eventually Elsa brings the three of them together, and they all date. This Is the gayest AU, I like to think tbh, but certainly the happiest so far. Named TGR aka The Great Rebound l m ao)

AMA Au: AMA (Asagao Monster Academy) is another AU that I sort of collaborated with others (much more widespread tho, it was just the three of us working on the train wreck that is Eyesagao) where everyone (but Hana) is a monster that goes to Asagao Academy to learn how to be around, or live with humans. Honestly at this point we just put the two aus together just to put the two AUs together, but Jack is another human who’s is mistakenly sent to this school, but is possessed by a demon by the name of Anti, making him a half demon. The story plays out the as the original, but with Anti playing ‘his game’ to get magic from Traci, who is a unicorn in this AU and usually can ward off evil or non-virgins. He uses his influence over her to cloud her judgement and eventually wants to just cut off her horn, yikes. For added measure, Ellie is a golden Hind, a creature who will actually die at the touch of a human, so in falling for Jack, they’ve doomed themselves to either a love where they can’t touch, or a love where they have to put up with Anti literally forever to keep Jack as a demon.

Cameo AU: Basically a short ditty where mr edgiplier/darkiplier is passing through the void, and runs into the void gals, Chelsa, Kelly, and Grace. And because dark and anti are little jealous shits who only want what the other has, Dark extends the invitation to the girls to leave Anti and come work for him. Chelsa is like ‘hell no’, Grace is like ‘you had me going there, but nah son, I know a bad boss when I see one. And I already got one of those’ and Kelly is like ‘um maybe’ and causes this ugly spat where Kelly is about to up and leave (and almost lets Dark kill Grace) when Anti shows the fuck up and makes Kelly know where the hell she stands with him. (clue: she probably got in A LO T of fucking trouble).

This actually leads into the most recent AU-

D AU: Dau, aka ‘That D AU’/ ‘Timeline AU’ What started as a simple ‘what if Dark and Mark came to Asagao Instead of Jack and Anti’ and it honestly fucking mutated (as Eyesagao tends to do). It went from just ‘Similar events but Dark and Mark instead’ to ‘eerily familiar events taking place with almost all the same players. How are the void girls here if Anti never created them? What’s with the déjà vu? Ellie isn’t dating Mark, so now do things proceed?’ So basically what happens is that… once again, Dark and Anti are little shits who have no regards for anyone’s lives but their own, so Dark does… I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE DID OK he collaborated with Kelly and pulled some fucking shit and suddenly we’ve back at the beginning of Eyesagao. Things are out of place. Ian isn’t a prisoner of the void, but Ellie is. Mark is ‘dating’ Elsa. Elsa is doing all these crazy things ‘hurting all these other people’. Ian is completely unreliable and even m o r e of a jerk than his lovable jerk-tendencies. He’s completely unwilling to even try to begin to help. What’s happening what’s happening?

Dark is playing a game. He knows of the original timeline. Of Jack, of Anti, of the girls, void or no. This is a new timeline. Here he makes Ellie the void’s plaything, and instead goes after Elsa, trapping her in this game of his. He just wants to see if he can break her by the end of the school year. He pretends to be her boyfriend while manipulating her life to make other Asagao students h a t e h er in an effort to break the strongest thing about her- her love of her friends and her heart. Dark is much more versatile- he can hop though dreams, pull nightmares and secrets from the very corners of your mind. He uses this to manipulate the whole school to play along. He uses Chelsa, and Grace, who believe they were created by him, to try and bully Traci into not helping Ellie out in the void. Ian is having flashbacks (forwards? Flash-sideways? WHAT IS THIS, LOST?) to the other timeline, which is actually driving him a little crazy because he can’t make sense of it, and doesn’t want to believe any of it. Kelly and Dark are the only one who knows the truth, and Kelly aint telling, although she’s grown very tired of Dark’s games already, and figures if she can kill Elsa (though using Ellie’s body when she’s weak) without Dark finding out, Dark will get bored, or whatever, and finally be done with this damn school and these damn children and they can leave once and for all. (I also jokingly refer to this au as ‘Traci gets scared’ au because Traci goes through a lot of trauma as dark tries to scare her off without hurting her, as per his deal with Elsa, before he just fucking hurts her anyway)

Other bits not as developed:

Body Snatcher AU: Anti creates the void girls, or rather, give them a form specifically like our regular girls with the intention of giving them the actual physical bodies of the three girls so they can exist out in the real world. What followed is the three of them acting weird, Grace being completely unable to play Traci’s part until they can leave, chelsa n o t w an t I n g to act like Elsa, and Kelly honestly just rubbing it in everyone’s face (especially Ian, who would be the one person who knows about it but can’t do anything about it). It’s only a tiny joke-y but still p angsty when it gets down to it.

Yandere!Elsa: P much after the ‘everyone survives end’ of school, but instead of developing into the Adult Au, Elsa just… doesn’t adjust, she just doesn’t she can’t handle not having to take care of/looking after her friends. I think we said the void drove her mad or something?? She can’t adjust. She first finds Ian after such a long time, and tries to convince him to take her back to the void to see if she can find Kelly and Grace again, but he refuses, seeing that she’s just trying to get empty satisfaction out of something dangerous. She then goes after Traci and Ellie bc she loves them ofc

Reverse AU: Uhm this one came out of nowhere and I think about it A LOT but basically it’s just a situation where Jack and Anti knowingly share a body. Unhappily, but they do it. They’re fucking stuck. At this point they’re like brothers, and Anti has no interest in human life, so usually he leaves Jack be unless he wants to stretch out. Then, as Jack moves and starts going to Asagao, he falls for Ellie…. And Anti falls for a human as well. Her name is Traci, and she’s human, but in this AU she’s a snake. Once Anti reveals himself to be a demon, just out of his love of her, she starts to manipulate him into doing shit she wants, just trying to see what she can get out it. She pretty much goes mad with power over him tbh, and Jack is struggling because he knows and Anti knows shit she’s having him do is w r o ng, but what’s better to the glitchy demon, satisfaction or morality?

The Dragon AU: Um Traci just fuckign accepts that Anti is a bad dude and doesn’t love her but does depend on her to get what he needs done so she just straight up becomes his right hand dude idk what the fucks going through her head Traci stop being b a d. “'Traci you know he’s using you' 'yea, I learned that a few years ago, but for whatever reason, he didn’t kill me or toss me to the curb and I guess some twisted part of me really appreciates that'” is literally the only dialog I have for that whole au

GenderSwap Au: Just literally everyone being the opposite gender can you imagine how fucking intense that would be, two guys in a full out brawl after one broke down crying in the cafeteria. Also, how fucking creepier does Ellie and Tracy’s actions get as males?? Just holy shit it just gets weirder the more you think about it.

[qualapec]

Favorite characters meme

@myheartgoesswimming tagged me in this!

“Post 10 of your favorite characters from different fandoms, in no particular order, and tag 10 people [if you want!] “

I’m a JERK who can’t help but rank my favorite characters,

Favorite male characters:

1. Jacob Frye Jacob had an absolutely unprecedented climb up my favorite characters list. He went from being this butch asshole in the trailers for AC:S to...I LOVE MY BI SON??? I don’t think I’ve purely identified with a character so much since Marian Hawke in DAII when I was a closeted 18 year old who didn’t think I’d ever come out. Like, I’m ultimately not too protective of my favorite dudes--I look at my list and I’m like, yeah, this is mostly garbage. Jacob is the one dude character who I have actually cried over people saying shit about him (I casually call Jacob garbage a lot, but not too long ago a good friend said “yeah, he fucks up everything. really everyone would be better off without him” and I cried harder than I thought I would).

I identify with Jacob because he’s a giant ADHD bisexual who messes up literally everything he does but still tries the best he can to be a good person and he’s someone who still legitimately cares about people who have hurt him deeply. At the same time, he’s not a queer character that wants to fully integrate with society either. He’s funny and loves his sister and she’s a better Assassin than he is. He’s a good person but his queerness isn’t clean--it’s rough and it hurts and it damages his relationships and it’s so real to me.

I’ve never felt happier about being bi and not totally good at things than the months after AC:S came out and Jacob was announced as canonically bisexual. Before that I’d been struggling a lot with the lesbians v. bi women thing, and Jacob just made me feel so good about myself and so hopeful. I love Jacob Frye.

2. Johannes Cabal I have never been more right about a character’s ultimate arc than I was with Cabal. He’s been on my list of faves for years, but the fifth book jettisoned him into second place among the guys. If he were canonically queer he and Jacob would probably be tied tbqh. I love this horrible man. I love his arc. Anyone who wants to write villains with a redemption should read these books. SPOILERS but I love how his arc isn’t about accepting things the way they are re: death. He never accepts the Bible, never goes to confession and gets his sins forgiven. He never gives up his desire for things to be changed and for the unfairness/injustice of death to be righted and his disbelief in religion as a savior. He never gives up his arrogance. He’s still really smart.

But by the end, he becomes a human who is worthy of having friends and is capable of doing the right thing and that means so much to me. I expected a giant Thing at the end where he did something truly villainous to show that he was Always That Way and Always Would Be, but it never happened. He slowly defeated evil within himself without even knowing it, and that matters to me.

END SPOILERS. The second trash wizard I ever fell in love with.

3. Loki (MCU). Oh, Loki. My queer rage analogue.

Some context: I saw Thor (2011) when my family was falling apart. I was mad, so mad. That scene when Loki confronts Odin was so profound to me--I read it as a coming out scene, and I know a lot of other queer folks did, too.

I’ve known I was bi since Dragon Age II, as dumb as that sounds. When I wanted nothing more than to romance both a dude and a lady. BUT I had planned to bury it. It was easier to just date men, so why not? When Loki was revealed as Canonically Bisexual, that was really when the word clicked for me. That was the moment I think I knew that word was truly inescapable for me.

Whoo boy. That scene in the Avengers when he shows up after creating a portal with the Tesseract and intends to tear the world apart...that’s the moment I realized how queer and angry I was. I was closeted and wanted to burn it ALL down. He would either win or be destroyed, and the fantasy of burning as I was was so satisfying to me--either way he was going to die as himself. I was sitting in the theatre and that was when I knew I had no choice but to come out. I was afraid. Anger was an easier feeling to have.

Loki. My reminder that I’ll take a queer villain over a Perfect Queer (TM) every day of the week and also for the rest of my life--I will never, ever care about a Perfect Queer, because that’s not what I am, that’s not the family I come from, that’s not the reality of my health or what I aspire to be. That rage gave me the courage to come out, and tbqh it gives me strength now.

4. Harry Dresden Harry is Trash Wizard Prime. I discovered him during a time when men were an absolute mystery to me--I didn’t grow up with many (any) good male role models. As a bi teenager, I started to notice men because that’s the thing girls attracted to men were socially supposed to do, and I realized I didn’t understand them.

I saw the cover for Dead Beat in a Barnes & Noble and I picked it up. He looked so dashing, so rogueish. And this chaotic good motherfucker is that. He cares about people and wants to do the best he can with his gift, even if he is imperfect, and that spoke to me as a teenager so much.

He was a male character who I felt safe with. Society hated him for his gift, and sometimes did its best to destroy him even while he was trying to be good (which, in retrospect, is one reason why I associate mages/wizards/witches with queerness). I felt like he was a man who would protect me as a girl who, at that time, thought of myself as het but who was very afraid of men (L O L. LOL. L      O       L. Biggest joke ever) and who had experienced trauma at male hands.

I felt deeply betrayed when, after Changes, he had intrusive thoughts about raping the women around him.

I don’t quite have words for how much that hurt. Cabal was never misogynist in quite that way, and Loki is a virulent misogynist, but in a way that strikes me as very real for some queer men (not okay, but A Thing That Actually Happens). And as someone with OCD who experiences damaging intrusive thoughts myself, I feel like should have understood.

I felt really betrayed when Harry’s character took that direction. It caught me by surprise. It was actually triggering for me--the message I got was “every man will hurt you” and I’ve spent years trying to unlearn that. I remember shaking after a certain chapter of the book after Changes. I remember thinking that Men Will Always Hurt Me if Harry would.

Recent books revealed it was the result of a demon in his head...but it still hurt a lot. I discovered those books when I needed a man to look up to, and I still feel like that trust was betrayed.

I wouldn’t really recommend The Dresden Files to any of my friends now--I still want them to read them to understand a very formative text for me. I love Harry Dresden. He is part of what made me, of what defined my morality. I love him. I want him to be part of a better story.

Also I will be 100% honest and say that his super cis straight dude descriptions of wanting to sleep with women really spoke to me as a young queer chick. I was really into “vagazzled” btw.

5. Cullen Rutherford WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE OUTLIER.

Cullen has that Captain America vibe I usually can’t stand. He’s super lawful good and even upholds laws that he shouldn’t.

He’s also a drug addict who was deeply traumatized and needs his girlfriend to function (an ongoing theme with me). Even his very oppressive anger makes sense to me. It sucks, but I get it. That’s valid.

Also, I really hate it when people say his character arc made no sense. I’m sorry, those people flat out don’t understand narrative or think characters can escape their original packaging. Spoiler; that’s not an ‘arc’. Characters change, deal with it.

I think one thing I love about Cullen is that he was really, really tailored for women who are interested in men (note: not just Straight Women).

I think one of the biggest things for me is that he’ll do anything for the Inquisitor (his girlfriend). He was SUPPOSED to be bi via leaks from the company that made the game (if that was canon he’d be much higher on this list). But it does ultimately matter a lot to me that he was so specifically tailored to be a fantasy for women who are interested in men. He loves her. He will do almost anything for her. She helps him get over a serious addiction. Cullen taught (my bi/poly ass) about m/f narratives that I needed.

I guess I have a Thing for men who really need the women in their lives. Cullen gets the girlfriend role, and all the trauma that only men are usually allowed to have.

Honorable mentions:

Victor and Yuuri from Yuri on Ice. (If they had more canonical trauma, they would have lettered, and they may in the future. I love that Literally Wearing a Bi Flag Victor is a garbage human being who doesn’t understand feelings but still loves is boyfriend and doesn’t want that relationship to end. I love how Yuuri is an anxious gay baby.) Albert Wesker, a truly fine villain who was not done justice by those movies. Ned Wynert, who taught me a lot about writing characters from marginalized groups I am not a part of.

Favorite lady characters: 1. Marian Hawke. I almost don’t have words for how deeply formative Hawke is to me. She changed my life. I know she can be a different person no matter who plays her, but I think the things I fundamentally love about her are somehow universal.

For context on Marian Hawke--I was 18 and deeply closeted when I played DAII for the first time. I had committed to “never coming out” because I thought it would make my mom sad. I remember sitting in the uni library and thinking about Hawke and how bi aka queer (ADDITIONALLY poly) I was and I regret how that was the moment I decided I would only date men because it would be easier. That didn’t last. I didn’t know how much that would tear me up inside.

Hawke was the first gateway to my sexuality, but I thought I could avoid her message.  I knew I wanted to date both men and women.

Hawke herself is...me. Granted, you can control some of her actions as the player, but she still fucks up in a lot of the same ways no matter which version of her you play. She still tries to do the best she can (sometimes that’s a lot, sometimes not a lot, sometimes it’s oppressive). She cares. I can’t remember if she or Cabal came into the Trash Wizard (or trash mage) #2 slot, but she’s right up there on my fave trash magician list.

Because she’s so deeply formative, she’s another character I can’t be rational about. I HATE with every fiber of my being that she’s not static/unchangeable. I partly hate dude!Hawke so much because there are no female characters like my take on Marian that even EXIST. Soft butch, bi, diplomatic, kinda funny, kinda mad.

She tries her best, just like I think I do. She fails a lot, even when she means well. My Marian is bi as fuck. She changed my life. I don’t know who I would be without her (I mean, probably still bi as fuck, but still). I love Marian Hawke.

2. Evie Frye. I’ll just say it: Evie Frye fixed my ability to write female characters.

I was feeling a lot of pressure from other female writers (sadly, even particularly other queer women) to write WOMEN’S NARRATIVES. I felt like those had to be about rape and weakness and strength in spite of that. THAT IS A NARRATIVE THAT MATTERS, however I either struggle to identify with it, or I over-identify with it and I’m afraid to walk to my car.

Evie isn’t that.

She’s perhaps the greatest Assassin in history, short of Altair or Ezio, who made the brotherhood what it is. She lives and breathes that tradition. She’s most powerful when she is unseen, and in that way, I always feel safe with her. She’s the rightful heir to the entire series, so I feel like she will always be safe.

I learned so much about how to write myself and what I wanted and what I think a lot of other women want even if it’s not part of The Discourse, through Evie Frye. She defies stereotypes about what it means to be “woman”. She’s treated no worse than Jacob by the narrative, and she’s arguably treated as the inheritor of the Assassin tradition and like her skills matter just a bit more. The narrative could do without Jacob (as much as I love him) but it couldn’t do without Evie. She’s just as powerful as he is.

That we get to see her as both a new adult and a middle aged women is extra important. The fact that she spends her later narrative hunting one of the most virulent men in history (Jack the Ripper) means a lot to me. She is most powerful in her prime, while Jacob burns out later on, and that ALSO matters a lot to me. Shitty men are afraid of her, not the other way around. There’s no narrative where she lets the think they could rape her to win; she just wins. (Again, nothing wrong with female characters who use their femininity that way, but Evie just kills those fuckers, and that’s what I need in my life of believing in self defense).

I love her. She loves her husband, she loves her brother. She’s prim and proper and perfectly tailors her outfits and knows how to strike a killing blow. Evie is about a different kind of resistance than Jacob, but she’s still about resistance. She’s the first female character I’ve seen, in literal years, who is allowed to exist beyond her own femininity. She’s just allowed to exist and be really cool. Evie also means a lot to me.

3. Leonie Barrow This song really sums up Leonie Barrow for me. /They see you as small and helpless, they see you as just a child/ Surprise when they find out that a warrior will soon run wild/. She starts out as so?? Small?? compared to the overall narrative of the Cabal books, which are steeped in angels and gods and Lovecraftian abominations from whom the very foundations of the universe were forged. She’s the Innocent Girl at first. Her femininity, her innocence, does matter, but it’s not what I thought it would be. And by the end, she’s a shotgun wielding master detective, who Cabal CANONICALLY trusts to make the same logical decisions he would.

She is willing to kill to defend her friends even if she doesn’t like it. She will stand against the darkness and be afraid but she will smile.

She’s also almost /definitely/ canonically bi at the end of the fifth book, short of the actual word being used. It’s not a plot spoiler, but it gives me life either way. She’s not the girlfriend, she’s not the Woman, she’s something else and she matters in her own way. Her potential is limitless, and I’m inspired by her every single day. People talk about Stever Rogers as their human ideal, but I guess Leonie Barrow is my comfortable alternative.

Leonie Barrow saves people by her empathy--and she’s also willing to wield a shotgun. Outside of a magical girl narrative, she and Elizabeth DeWitt are the purest versions of the ‘weaponized femininity’ narrative I can think of.

4. Elizabeth DeWitt Oh, Elizabeth. I love her. I love her fucked up history. I love her fucked up present and her implied fucked up future. I wish she had a better ending. If I ever write fic, it will be to correct what has been done to her by canon.

Elizabeth is trying to escape her fate. Her ultimate arc may be about accepting a shitty end, but I don’t think that has to be the case, since I think so much of her story is about denying her future. Like her, I will always hope and strive for something better. She’s femme and hard and powerful and will break the world and make it whole again all with one wishing <3 .

She has the power of a god and the writers/developers/designers didn’t know how to handle that in an interesting way. I love her.

5. Talia (from Arrows of the Queen) SO

When you are reading about a clinically depressed character and you think, “I IDENTIFY WITH HER SO MUCH” that’s probably a sign. So many times, Talia tried to tell me how I was feeling, and it took me a very long time to listen.

I was easily clinically depressed when I read the Arrows of the Queen books. My uncle had just died without me coming out to him. I felt like a disappointment to my mom. My bachelors degree was on fire and it wasn’t totally my fault. There was nothing about myself that I didn’t deeply despise when I read these books, nothing that I didn’t feel the world would be better without. I didn’t want to die, since I have a very particular attachment to my mortality and no matter what, I’m attached to my life for my mom, but I felt so fundamentally worthless that it still hurts to think about. I haven’t been that low since then, and I hope to never be that low again.

I was depressed and I didn’t know it. I don’t think I was truly suicidal even then, even if I was experiencing almost daily suicidal ideation. I don’t think I would have died, but I still think Talia saved my life a little bit--she at least taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge my illness and seek treatment and that it’s okay to want to be happy. I’m so deeply grateful for that I don’t even have words for it, partly because, while I think I would have survived, I wouldn’t be happy.

Talia also got to fuck the most desirable male characters in the Arrows of the Queen trilogy. Even though she was quiet and was shy and was depressed. The message was this: I could have love even if I was mentally ill. I specify ‘male’ characters because Talia was straight, and also because a part of me feels less desirable to men than women, so that fantasy means a lot to me.

Talia is me at my most vulnerable. Talia is me when I want to reach into my own chest and tear myself apart. I love her. She matters. <3

Honorable mentions:

Pearl from Steven Universe (my favorite anxious lesbian, who got a great character arc that I never expected to be validating to both the lesbian-bi women dilemma and to her mental illness. I <3 Pearl). All the women in Overwatch. Sailor Moon and her soldiers. Tamora Pierce’s heroines. Lara Croft.

Tagging @swimthroughthefires @fakeandroid @doomquasar @amandaironic @strawberrylaugh @ghostofthemotif