#AND SAD AS IT IS TO SAY. I've crossed that line before.

[htchnr]

♰ my heart is a sad affair ༻ C. HOWARD.*ೃ˚

➻ masterlist. ➻ buy me a coffee!

CW ➻ canon typical violence ⋆ slighttttt canon divergence in episode 2 in Filly ⋆ let's pretend there's a cryo vault close okay ⋆ Cooper getting shot multiple times ⋆ reader is on the verge of a heart attack or panic attack ⋆ she can't choose ⋆ FEELINGS ⋆ mention of reader going through drug and alcohol benders ⋆ if i missed anything, lmk!

PAIRING ➻ wife!reader x Cooper. (they were married before the war, but both of them believe the other is long dead.)

SUMMARY ➻ request by a lovely anon ; but the angst in a fic for what if you were cryogenically vault frozen for some reason and many years later you get free and try and find place on the surface and then run into Cooper’s edgy ghoul self either literally run into or just happen to be at the same market stall, my heaRT. WC ➻ 4,8k.

© 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 𝐇𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐍𝐑. 𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐲, 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦, 𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫!

the day the bombs dropped was a day you desperately tried to forget. bottle after bottle, stash of chems after stash — there wasn't a thing you hadn't tried to make you forget.

to make you forget the lies from Vault Tec, Moldaver, the loss of your husband that you fear would never get better, you wanted so bad to forget it all. but after being thawed out in a vault after a system wide malfunction and being thrust into the violently changed world made it so damn difficult to forget.

you shuffled around the town, Filly, looking for any kind of work. you weren't too picky as long as it payed decent and didn't cross too many lines for you personally. you walked past a chems stall, some shady guy selling a surprisingly wide variety of things. "c'mon, three hundred caps for that little is fuckin' ridiculous," a tall guy in a long tattered duster and cowboy hat challenged the shady man behind the stall.

your heart ached, the cowboy's voice a little too similar to one you used to hear every morning.

"mm," he would hum, "good mornin' sweetheart," he'd smile, his usually only slightly present southern twang would shine through in the tired hours of the morning, pressing firm kisses into your skin.

"good morning," you'd tiredly giggle, your undying love for him clear in your smile as you would hold him close, as if he'd disappear if you did.

oh how quickly that memory turned so sour, he did disappear when you let go that awful morning. he vanished from your life after he left for the birthday party he was asked to attend. you looked up at the sky, blinking away the tears. you continued through the town, walking over to Ma's to see if she needed anything.

you're somewhat of a regular there, stopping by from time to time either for supplies or work. sometimes hanging around to help her out around the shop.

you stepped inside, the familiar smell of dirty metals, rotten limbs and blood flooding your senses. you'd gotten used to Ma's, gotten used to her company, hell you'd even go as far as to say you'd consider her a sort of friend. "hey Ma," you holler, finding her at the counter as per usual.

she swears, looking up from her ledger. "hey hey! lookin' for more work?" she grins, her smile missing more than a few teeth.

you walk up to lean against the counter, nodding. "anything you need done, i don't care."

she knew your words meant anything by the tone of them, and she paused working on writing something down to move to thumb through the thick book. "well," she hummed, her dirty finger stopping at one line in the ledger. "i've got something that i desperately need done, but don't take it too lightly," she warned.

you waved your hand dismissively, the memories of your past burning away any boundaries you had set up when you left the vault. "give it to me Ma, don't care what it is."

she looks you up and down, eyes flitting over your gear in your holsters. she sighs and the shrugs, nodding to herself. "i got a man comin' in in a bit, Wilzig. i need you to take him to Moldaver." she said firmly.

you blinked as you snapped out of your sour trance, Moldaver. that was a name you hadn't heard in a long time. sure, you'd heard whispers around towns, everyone heard of Moldaver, but no one knew her as well as you did. "i'll take it." you said, as firm as Ma had spoken.

she sighed but nodded, “i’ll holler when he’s here, for now if you’re so desperate for work, ‘could use some help out back with a giant heap of junk someone dropped off. sift through it, see what’s valuable, what’s not. you know the deal.” her tone final.

you nodded, tapping the counter before heading out back. you almost regret accepting it, cause good lord was it a heap of junk. it took a while to sort through, the last half of your work admittedly got a little sloppy as you spotted someone walking in wearing colors you were all too familiar with.

the girl in the vault suit talked to Ma, and Ma was laughing, calling Barv over to look at the Vault Dweller. you had ditched your suit as soon as you could, repulsed by what the suit meant to you and the company it was from. she seemed to fully embrace it, love Vault Tec even.

then the laughter stopped. it came to such an abrupt halt that you set down whatever scrap of junk you had been holding and slowly started making your way back up the stairs and into the building. the colors sending nauseous waves through you as you watched Ma lean forward and curse the girl out of her shop.

the girl looked taken aback, but left nonetheless. "what was that about?" you spoke, Ma jumping at the sound of your voice.

"sweet lord, woman make some sound next time," she huffed, opening her ledger again. "some fuckin' happy go lucky Vault Dweller, lookin' for the wrong person." she scribbled something down before looking up at the sound of the Vault Dweller talking outside. "this fuckin' girl i swear," she grumbles, shoving the ledger shut before storming out from behind her counter.

you stayed inside, hand on the rifle on your back as you watched her talk to the girl and someone else. "you Wilzig?" you hear her ask, the person she spoke to presumably confirmed her question as a dog sprinted inside, instantly going for the bowl of bloody meat on the floor beside you. admittedly you jumped at the sudden intrusion, but calmed as you saw the dog chow down happily.

the dog cause another pang to go through your heart, Roosevelt. you missed your gorgeous boy so much — you don't think any dog in the world, not even a carbon fibre copy could ever fill the void Roosevelt left.

Ma yelled at the girl to get lost, snapping your attention back to the front of the shop. the person stepped more into the doorway, a roundish man, you could now see. he stood nervously, head constantly looking around.

Ma turned, moving to step inside the shop again, but a loud voice made her stop in her tracks. "Wilzig!" a deep southern drawl shouted from somewhere, and your grip tightened on your rifle's handle. you knew Ma could handle herself just fine, but you never strayed too far from Filly just to be sure.

the girl hadn't moved either, turning to face where the voice came from. "now, you wouldn't happen to be a doctor now would ya?" the voice rang loud and clear, though ever so slightly raspy. "cause i happen to be lookin' for one."

the more he spoke the more your brows twitched. your heart pounded, as if your body knew before your head did. the voice pulled strings inside you that you had carefully tied away, strings belonging to voice that sounded a little less raspy than the man's oustide.

you watched Ma wave the man, Wilzig, toward the door. "you know your kind ain't welcome here." she said, a firm tone in her voice.

it was quiet for a second as you tried to guess who she could mean. "well, maybe not," the man mused. "but i'm gonna make myself welcome." your heart sunk as your fingers fully wrapped around the butt of your rifle, pulling it off your back. the tone in the man's voice made it clear what his intentions were.

it was quiet, and everyone could taste the tension in the air. "now, last night a bounty came in through all six agencies," the man called out. ah, a Bounty Hunter.

"for a hefty price," his voice lowered again, you could barely hear him from inside the building. "on the head of a man that fits the description of that fella, right there." he drawls, and you can only assume he's pointing at Wilzig.

your fingers are clenched around your rifle at this point, the voice of the Bounty Hunter hitting too close to home for your liking. a voice you you wished so desperately you could hear once more, but knew wasn't possible.

"now i may not know much," the man paused, "but i do know a biddin' war when i see one."

Ma huffed, "maybe," she stands her ground and you can see her hand inching towards her gun. "but i've been paid a whole lotta caps to provide this man save transport out of Filly-" a loud bang cuts Ma off, and a shout comes from Wilzig as blood splatters into the shop. Ma shoots forward behind anything for shelter as the Vault Dweller and Wilzig remain in the Bounty Hunter's sights.

he cocks his gun again, "change of plans, i guess,"

you take a deep breath in, your shooting hand shaking a little before you step towards the doorway. "that's enough, right. now." you call out, rifle raised near your face and tightly held as you stepped foot outside the doorway, your eyes squinting a little to adjust to the sun.

your brows twitched more as you laid eyes on the man before you, heart pounding in your ears. a Ghoul. and now that you get a good look at him, it's the same man who was yelling at the shady guy at the chems stall. there was something strangely off about him though, a feeling around him that made your hands shake and your heart pound like crazy.

you saw his look falter when he laid eyes on you. dark, deep set eyes. so he felt something too— the thought was interrupted by someone firing, a bullet piercing his shoulder and shooting through, lodging itself into the wall beside you.

you watched the Ghoul snap, spinning around to shoot at whoever shot him. though it didn't feel like that was the reason, you saw something twist in the man's eyes when he saw where the bullet landed.

a chaotic burst of fire broke out, people from all around, everyone shooting at the Ghoul. and he returned fire, not even breaking a sweat. the bullet in his shoulder didn't seem to effect him one bit somehow. you held your rifle high, the man still in your cross hairs, but you hesitated.

"the fuck's goin' on with you!" Ma yelled, "shoot the fucker!" but you couldn't, all you could do was stand and watch, your rifle aimed with his head between your sights. but you couldn't pull the trigger.

you watched him walk around, not bothering to duck for cover. three loud shots rang, bullets whizzing by and lodging themselves into the Ghoul's back. you blinked, bewildered, as you only saw him jolt at the force, then sit down behind some over thrown over stall.

though you kept your rifle trained on the Ghoul, you noticed the Vault Dweller running into Ma's shop, possibly for cover.

you watched as the Ghoul shot the last person, the street's of Filly quiet besides the ringing of the last shot. he stands up, reloading his gun as he slowly makes his way back over to Ma's shop. your fingers tighten around your rifle as he moves, yet you feel your body freeze up more when he lays eyes on you again.

"i'm going to have to ask you to leave him alone." the Vault Dweller steps out of the shop behind you, gun aimed at the man. your grip falters a little as you sigh, lowering your rifle from your face to look at her. that's when the Vault Dweller notices the heavy change in the Ghoul's face, the moment he saw your face more.

"now, i acknowledge that i'm unfamiliar with your circumstances," she continues, "but, at first glance, your treatment of this man appears unfair, and i'm obliged to intervene-"

"goddamn Vault Dweller, you better shut your mouth before i shut it for you," you hiss at her, and she doesn't miss the disgust in your voice when you say 'Vault Dweller'. that tone solidifies the Ghoul's thoughts, already having put his gun back in his holster, but still keeping a firm hand on it.

you raise your rifle again, eyes back on him. your face contorts with confusion when you see the different look on his face and his gun put away. "how can it be?" he asks, eyes squinting as he dark eyes flit across your figure.

your brows twitch at his question, "come again?"

he sets a step closer, and you immediately tighten your aim. "after two hundred years," his voice a little lower, the confusion palpable. "how is it that you're here?"

it's now that the Vault Dweller takes the opportunity to drag Wilzig inside, Ma helping her. the front door slams behind them, leaving you outside.

you frown, eyes searching his scarred face for an answer. "it ain't fair that you still look so damn gorgeous after all this time," the southern twang died down a little, and now you can perfectly place his voice.

your eyes widen, your heart pounds. you shake your head, your hands were getting sweaty. "Cooper..?" your voice was quiet, but given his expression change you knew he heard you crystal clear.

his hand loosened around his gun. "oh honey," his words are equally quiet but southern drawl more intense than you knew it was, as he sets a step closer.

out of instinct your aim tightens again, the ache in your heart too much. "don't set a single foot closer," your voice trembles as you try to purvey some kind of strength still.

the man looks hurt, pain flashing before his eyes. "darlin'-" he starts,

"how do i know it's really you?" your voice gaining some strength again. "hmm? how do i know this isn't a sick fuckin' joke?" you could tell the man wasn't afraid of your rifle, hell, you'd seen him get shot four times and not even blink.

he paused, blinking slowly as he thought. he looked up, now sad eyes meeting yours. "be safe Cowpoke, don't leave me so lonely for too long." he spoke, and your heart sunk. you felt like you could throw up. "that's the last thing you ever said to me, the day it ended.

the town was too quiet, the sound of something whirring inside Ma's shop, the occasional yell of Wilzig, and both of your voices.

"how..?" you muttered, and he knew what you were asking. you slowly lowered your rifle, watching him closely as he slowly neared you.

he shook his head, "that is a story you don't wanna know," he spoke, pain in his voice. your rifle was dropped at your side once he stood before you, a handful of inches between you. he watched as a tear finally slipped down your smooth cheek. "oh honey," he whispered with a rasp, arms pulling you tightly into him.

and you let him, not moving against him until your eyes were met with the worn fabric of the same shirt he left in that dreadful say so long ago. that's when you wrapped your arms around him and let it all go against him. and he held you through it, strong arms tightly wrapped around you and a gloved hand stroking your hair.

the two of you stood like that for a while, your sobs had died down and you were worn out. he held you tight, his hold never faltering.

a million thoughts raced through Cooper's head, about you, what you'd think of what he had become, that you'd hate him for it — but most of all he was dreading having to leave you to track down the girl and Wilzig.

you reluctantly move along as he holds you away from him, sad, gaunt eyes looking into yours. "i'm sorry," he trails, his voice more raspy now.

you frown tiredly, "for what?" your question hurts him more than you can see as he pulls one hand away to rummage in the saddlebag thrown over his shoulder. your brows furrow deeply at the rope he pulls out. "Cooper..?" you ask hesitantly, watching him look at the rope with a frown.

before you know it he's got the rope wrapped around your waist, your wrists held between one of his gloved hands as you struggled against him. "hey-!" whatever was left of Cooper's heart cracked with each sound you made. his pained eyes watch the rough rope scratch against your soft skin as he tied it.

"you better have a damn good reason for this." you seethed, wriggling against him and the rope. while you looked at him with frustration, he looked back with nothing but regret.

that confused you, if he clearly didn't want to do it, why was he doing it? he pulled you back by your wrists, trying to be as gentle as he could but you wouldn't budge. "honey, please," he pleads, holding your wrists with nothing but care.

you shook your head, "unless i get a damn good explanation for this," you gesture at the rope with your head, "you're gonna have to carry me if you want me anywhere else but here." you stood your ground, digging your heels into the dry dirt.

Cooper looked down and sighed. he loved this about you, your stubbornness, your strength to fight something.

he let go of your tied wrists and you jolted away from him, but he wrapped an arm around your waist and one beneath your knees as he with impressive strength hauled you over his shoulder. "goddamnit Cooper Franklin Howard, set me down!" you shouted, tied fists hitting against his back as he moved up the stairs to Ma's porch.

once beside a post, he lifted you off his shoulder before pressing you against the post. "let me- hng- go!" you yell, thrashing in his hold. he had always been a little stronger than you, but post war he seemed even stronger. he wrapped the rope around you and the post, arms wrapping around you to tie the loose ends behind you.

he pulled away, and wished for nothing more than that you could forgive him for this as he took in your hurt, anger and confusion. he leans in, pressing a firm kiss to your forehead, and lingers for a moment longer in your warmth.

he pulls away reluctantly, setting a few steps back. "don't you dare leave me here Cooper." you seethe, but the emotion was getting to you as well.

"don't you dare leave me again."

you saw whatever remained of his heart shatter in face at your words, tears pricking at his eyes. "i'm sorry darlin'," he trails off, looking between you and Ma's front door.

he sets a few more slow steps towards the door, and you lose it. "please," you plead, tears dripping down your soft cheeks. "please don't leave me damnit."

he knew that the moment he stepped through that door, that it would be a long time before you'd forgive him for this.

i veeeeeeery maybe will continue this where Reader let's loose on Coop for tying her up and abandoning her for a little bit, but idk, i love it just as it is 😊

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[shima-draws]

I had a conversation with my mom about commissions--she’s of the opinion that you shouldn’t have to wait super long to get what you paid for. I’m the opposite; I think artists should be able to take as long as they need to finish a commission, and I’m totally cool with waiting for months even for them to get back to me. Surprisingly enough I’m very patient when it comes to commissioning other people lol. Maybe I just think that way bc I’m an artist myself so I totally get the struggle. (And I also take time with my comms too.) My mom is not an artist so she doesn’t really grasp the amount of time and effort it takes, so she expects results immediately. Which like. I get that too? I dunno. What do you all think? Are you the kind of patient person who’s totally chill with an artist taking months to finish your commission? Or do you want it to be done within a reasonable amount of time, like 2-3 weeks?

[ofswordsandpens]

actually I do want to talk about Sally Jackson a tad more because one criticism I've been hearing about her book counterpart more recently is "book Sally is one-dimensional: the perfect mother with no flaws" and that just has me biting my cheek because one part of her book counterpart that I always thought was ripe with discussion and didn't make it to the show is that Sally states that it was selfish of her to keep Percy close. It's one of the last things she says to him before she's "killed" by the minotaur.

And there's so much that we don't know about Sally because we view her from Percy's eyes. From his perspective we know that she's exceedingly kind, she never raises her voice to him or even Gabe, and she endured a horrible and abusive relationship to protect her son from monsters (of a different kind).

But there are things we can piece together from the text: Sally has known about CHB for a long time, apparently since before Percy was even born because Poseidon told her he wanted to send Percy there; she was told that it was a mistake for her to keep Percy close - who told her that, we're not sure, she only uses the phrase they; she's been in contact with Grover through out the school year; she knows that she can't cross the camp boundary line, which means either Grover or someone else (Chiron? Poseidon?) told her that, and that she understood that there was place that Percy would be safe from monsters.

And all of these little details are so interesting because it does make you wonder just how much she did or didn't know. Was her self assessment right? Was it selfish of her to keep Percy close?

On one hand, she kept him close because she loved him, alongside the fear that if she sent him to camp, she would be saying goodbye for good -- so is it even fair to call the act of keeping him close selfish? Or perhaps, much like Chiron, she assumed keeping Percy in the dark would be safer?

But on the other hand, Percy had been attracting monsters all his childhood, she understood camp was a safe place from monsters, and she had apparently been told explicitly that it was a mistake for her to keep him close.

And then adding in the factors of: Percy is her only family in the entire world, she's been suffering with Gabe for years, sacrificing so much in order to keep Percy safe when he's at home... but even that has a touch of sad irony because when we meet Percy in tlt, its at point when he's not really home at all -- he's been regularly sent off to boarding schools, so much so that he's internalized it as his own short-coming.

And all of this isn't to say "Omg Sally is actually horrible" or to assert definitely that she is selfish... but more to speak to the fact that in the books, she's not an all-perfect 2-dimensional mother. And her self-assessment of selfishness is something that is really interesting to explore and debate given the implications of what she apparently did (or did not) know about the godly world. I feel there's even an argument to be made that Sally being "selfish" could be a reflection of Percy's fatal flaw.

[steddiealltheway]

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays :) This is way longer than I thought it would be, but it's been a while since I've written, so I think I needed it. I hope you all have a wonderful end to your year <3

Steve thought it was fate when he reached into Dustin’s old Santa hat and picked up a crumpled piece of paper with Eddie’s name scribbled on it. He had a gift stored away for Eddie that he bought weeks ago, and he was hoping there would be some way to get it to him without making it a big deal or something. Miraculously, the tiny slip of paper gave him that chance.

Now, two weeks later, Steve feels like his nerves are on fire as everyone gathers around in his living room, waiting to receive their gifts.

He goes off to the guest bedroom where the party had dropped off their gifts under the bed with the promise of not peaking - per Steve's request. Mike complained that the system was a little bit much, and Steve couldn’t argue with him. He just didn’t want to give away that he was Eddie’s secret Santa.

And now that he has pulled all the gifts out from under the bed, his stomach churns and his heart races. He just hopes his gift doesn’t cross a line or bring up unwanted memories, especially since he and Eddie aren’t exactly best friends.

Well, okay, they’re close. Considering the number of times Dustin has insisted they all hang out now that they’ve all been trauma-bonded, Steve has spent a lot of time with Eddie. But he hasn’t gotten a lot of alone time with him.

Sure, there have been a few times when Eddie has stopped by work, but Robin was always close by - not that Steve minded at all, except he got tired of the looks she would give him after Eddie left as if she was expecting Steve to say something. He doesn’t know what exactly he would say, but he will admit that it was always sad watching Eddie go. Maybe he should tell Robin he wishes he could stay a little longer, maybe even after hours.

The thought reminds him of the one moment they spent alone that Steve can't help but recall often. Even his present to Eddie is based around that moment which resulted in him purchasing something definitely higher than the price limit, but none of the kids would know that so it’s fine.

There’s a light knock on the door behind him, and Steve turns around. “Hey,” Eddie says with a small smile. “Everything okay?”

Steve smiles back, willing his heartbeat to slow down a bit. “Yeah, just trying to figure out how to get them all at once.”

“Let me help,” Eddie says, already bending over to grab half the stack that Steve had pushed out from under the bed. “You don’t happen to have a Santa suit do you?”

Steve’s eyebrows furrow. “No?”

“Damn. Next year, okay? And I want to be Santa.”

The corner of Steve’s lip quirks up and Eddie's eyes light up, looking awfully proud of himself. The two hold the gaze for a few moments longer than they should, but it’s not like that's new to them.

“Guys! What’s the holdup?!” Dustin yells.

Steve sighs and offers Eddie a now irritated smile before leading the way to the living room, glancing down at the names on each present before handing them out. He and Eddie finish around the same time, and Steve notices there are two clear spots for them in the small circle on either side of Dustin. He almost makes a snarky comment to Dustin, but he holds his tongue, knowing Max and El will shoot them irritated glares if they start bickering.

"El, why don't you go first?" Steve suggests as he sits down, not giving the rest of the kids a chance to argue about it. After all, no one is going to protest after all that El did for them.

El smiles and carefully opens her gift, but Steve spaces out a bit, lost in thought about his gift and questioning if it will be an appropriate thing to bring up in front of the kids. Eddie had shared the moment only with Steve and even hesitated in doing so, so maybe he doesn't want it to be broadcast to the kids. Shit.

Steve snaps back to reality when El knee-scoots over to Dustin, pulling him into a tight hug and thanking him for her present. Dustin flushes an interesting shade of red that Steve is definitely going to bring up later when he himself isn't panicking. For now, he moves the game along. "Alright, Dustin gets to open his gift now since he was the Secret Santa," Steve announces, nervously glancing at Eddie, hoping the excited look doesn't mean the gift is from him. He's not sure if he's ready for Eddie to open his gift yet.

Luckily, the gift is from Lucas, and Steve breathes a sigh of relief. But as the game continues and more people unwrap their gifts, Steve finds himself getting a bit impatient as he waits for someone to get their gift from Eddie. It's only when Max is last to open her gift that Steve realizes that he and Eddie are the only two remaining which means...

"No way," Eddie says with a big grin. "We're the only two who got each other."

Steve slowly looks down at the gift in his hand, neatly wrapped with a beautifully done bow that seems so unlike Eddie who always seems to be in a rush, doing everything with an almost frantic energy that Steve kind of adores. He wonders what he must've been like sitting still, carefully folding each curve of newspaper and taping it all together before neatly tying the red ribbon around the box into a beautiful bow. "You did this?" Steve can't help but ask, hoping he didn't just stick his foot in his mouth.

"Yeah," Eddie says somewhat bashfully as he pulls his hair in front of his face. "You do the honors." Eddie gestures to Steve's present and nervously rambles, "It isn't much really..."

Steve carefully undoes each fold, seeing the care Eddie took in wrapping a small box that Steve pulls the lid off of. He stares down at a small metal-looking thing and picks it up off the paper it's on top of. He presses it and startles a bit as it buzzes.

"A hand buzzer," Dustin laughs in disbelief.

"Maybe you two need to hang out more," El suggests innocently.

Eddie clears his throat. "There's a note in there, too, but you don't have to read it out loud in front of the kids or anything."

Steve keeps ahold of the little buzzer and picks up the note, staring at a few numbers in confusion before following an arrow that elaborates 24/7 Walkie Channel - especially at night. Steve flushes a bit red at the joke, but as he reads further, he realizes it's not a joke at all. In fact, he knows exactly what this is referring to.

-:-:-:-:-:-

Eddie walks up to the counter of Family Video and raps his knuckles on the counter. "Now tell me, what exactly is behind that restricted section with the red curtains?"

Steve rubs his temples and gives Eddie an unimpressed look. "You know exactly what's behind there."

"Well, maybe I want to hear it from my favorite employee. After all, you're supposed to help me with all my needs."

"Alright," Robin announces loudly, "I'm taking my break."

Steve hears the break room door shut behind him, and he drops his head in his hands with a slight groan.

"That embarrassed, Harrington? I thought you were like the expert here. Especially since Robin isn't allowed back there, but..." Eddie trails off but suddenly his voice gets much closer yet softer. "Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Sometimes I push too far without realizing and-"

Steve cuts him off with a short wave of his hand. "It's not that. You're fine really. Just didn't really sleep last night."

"Company or..." Eddie goes for a joke to lighten the second half of what he's implying.

Steve sighs and glances up at him. "It the 'or' option."

Eddie gives him a sympathetic look and glances around at the empty store before leaning on the counter, right into Steve's space, but it's comforting rather than intrusive. Eddie softly says, "I get it, man. The night terrors are... they're intense. I still see Chrissy when she..." He looks away, swallows hard, and takes a deep breath. "I get it."

Steve glances up and sees a matching haunted look in Eddie's eyes that Steve catches in the mirror from time to time. "It's harder late at night. I get this urge to reach out to everyone and make sure they're okay and..." Steve sighs and lowers his voice, "still alive." He shudders slightly and laughs humorlessly, "But it's not like I can just call everyone's house at night and wake up them and their family. I usually just wait for the urge to pass but it's harder for me with some people." Steve swallows hard, knowing what Eddie will ask next.

"Like who?"

Steve glances up at Eddie and says, "Robin of course because she's my best friend. Max is tough too because of how close she was to dying and you just never know if that thing will come back or not."

"He's gone for good this time. You know what Owens said," Eddie presses gently.

"Yeah, but I've heard it before," Steve argues. But he can't deny that things definitely feel more final now. Like maybe they're finally over. Still, he can't just let his guard down on the off chance that his gut isn't right for once.

Eddie shifts and nudges Steve's elbow with his own. "Anyone else though?"

Steve holds Eddie's gaze for a moment, and he sees the exact moment Eddie knows exactly what he's thinking as the memories of Eddie's lifeless body in Steve's arms flood in his head. "You were... gone there for a little while. And sometimes I wake up, and I think that you didn't make it. That the nightmare I keep having is actually reality."

Eddie gives him a pained look and places his hand over Steve's. "You can call me at any time. Day or night. I'll try my best to answer, especially at night."

"Eddie, I don't want to make you lose sleep any more than you already are."

"But I'm probably already awake. And I don't care if I lose sleep for you, okay?"

Steve glances up at him and flushes a bit as his eyes flicker down to Eddie's lips. For a moment, he thinks he might understand what Robin's looks mean, but he glances away before he can truly think about it. "That's not the only problem though," Steve confesses quietly.

Eddie just squeezes his hand, waiting for him to elaborate.

With a deep breath, Steve hooks his thumb on top of Eddie's pinky and squeezes back for some support. "I hate speaking in that empty house. My voice seems to echo, and it makes me feel more alone than I already am. And sometimes it feels impossible to speak about things. Like my voice doesn't work or something. I don't know."

"I get it," Eddie says simply, squeezing his hand again. "But really, if you ever need to call or stop by or anything. I'll be there." Steve holds Eddie's gaze, thinking maybe the upcoming night won't be so bad.

Before Steve can really say anything else, the bell on the front door dings loudly and he and Eddie practically jump apart. The customer doesn't even so much as glance at them, but they both still keep their distance, recognizing that the moment is over.

-:-:-:-:-:-

Steve stares at the little list in the note.

One Buzz: Checking in. I will buzz back so you know I'm okay. Two Buzzes: If you need to hear my voice. I will respond over the walkie and talk for as long as you like. Buzz multiple times, and I'll stop. And trust me, I will talk your ear off, so I won't get offended when you buzz. Three Buzzes: If you need me to call ever. Don't be afraid to use this one. Wayne is still working night shifts, so you're really no bother if you want to call first. But this way, I can be the one calling you so you don't have to worry about waking me up or anything. Really. The buzzes aren't too loud, so they shouldn't wake me up. Let me know if you want to add anything to this list. I have an identical list with my hand buzzer at home that I would be happy to add to at any time. Merry Christmas Love, Your Secret Santa

Steve stares at the note in his hand almost too stunned to speak. He doesn't think he's ever received a more thoughtful gift in his life. He pinches at his nose and tries to shut his emotions down a bit, and Eddie must catch on because he loudly announces, "My turn!"

Steve takes a deep breath, forgetting entirely about the gift he got Eddie. He watches as Eddie tears the wrapping paper off the small box then dramatically and very slowly opens it up with a big smile, knowing he has the kids' impatient attention practically in the palm of his hand. But when he finally sees the gift, his smile and whole act drop as a look of realization crosses over his face.

Steve's heart pounds in his chest.

Eddie slowly removes the little glass bottle filled with brown liquid and silently stares at it.

"What is that? Some type of fancy bourbon?" Max asks with a scoff.

Steve watches Eddie's eyes get slightly glassy, and he's quick to announce, "Something like that. But alright, we have to move on before your families start coming to pick you up. Was a snowball fight next on your cheesy list or something?"

Dustin is quick to defend the list the group came up with, but Steve is quicker in pushing them all toward the front door. "I'll be there in a bit. Eddie and I have to clean up."

The kids all rush to put on their coats and shoes, not wanting to be a part of any type of cleanup. Once they run outside, Steve closes the door and rushes back to the living room where Eddie's still staring at the bottle, a single tear going down his face. "You... you remembered... and you... you got... how?"

"Of course, I remembered," Steve says, thinking of what Eddie told him months ago.

-:-:-:-:-:-

Steve sighs and stuffs more things into a box from Eddie's closet. Dr. Owen's people had finally given the trailer the all-clear, so they were finally able to get the remainder of Eddie's and Wayne's things out of there. Of course, the kids had spent about an hour helping with the living room before taking a very very long break at Max's place. Steve assumes it will be lasting until the rest of the trailer is cleared out.

"They're great help, aren't they?" Eddie jokes as he brings another box into the room.

"Absolutely. Always willing to lend a hand. That is until they decide that the adults can just slave away for them."

"Someone needs to give them a lecture," Eddie sighs, pulling out a pile of clothes from his closet.

Steve scoots the box over and asks, "And why does that person always seem to be me? Especially when they don't listen to me."

"You're just so motherly," Eddie says with a big smile, dimples on full display.

Steve can't help but smile at the sight. And luckily he's staring his way when Eddie picks up another stack of clothes and suddenly hurdles something Steve's way. And even luckier, Steve's reflexes are quick, so he's able to easily catch the smaller glass bottle.

Eddie's eyes widen and he quickly grabs at the bottle, wrapping his hands around Steve's in the process. "Jesus H. Christ." Eddie's grip tightens as he stares at the bottle and breathes a sigh of relief, dropping his head to Steve's shoulder. "Have I ever told you that I'm so glad you're a jock?"

Steve snorts. "No, but whatever in this bottle must be important enough for you to admit it. So, tell me, what's in it? Alcohol? Some type of weird liquid drug?"

Eddie pulls back and looks away, still cradling the bottle and Steve's hands. "It's nothing. Just, hold it gently while I find another shirt to wrap it in."

Steve gently grasps the bottle and brings it closer, inspecting what it could be when he's hit with a bit of deja vu. He tests his suspicions and carefully removes the cap. "Eddie, why do you have an almost empty bottle of perfume in your closet?"

Eddie turns to him and asks, "Please, don't tell me you sprayed it."

"I didn't. The cap just gave it away."

Eddie quickly takes the bottle from his hand and puts the cap back on. "It's nothing. Like I said." He rolls it carefully in a t-shirt and places it in the box.

Steve slowly approaches and looks down at the box, frowning when he sees it start to blend in with the other pile of clothes in there. "I'll be right back," Steve announces before running out to his car. He opens the trunk and sighs, grabbing a shoe box and carefully placing his emergency date shoes in the corner of the trunk before taking the box inside.

When he gets back to the room, he reaches into the bigger box, fishes the shirt-wrapped perfume out, and places it gently into the shoe box before setting it aside. Steve glances up and notices Eddie staring at him. "Is that the emergency date shoe box?"

Steve is going to give the kids or Robin a lecture later about giving away people's personal information. "Yes," he admits.

"So, where are the shoes?"

"In my trunk," Steve says, moving onto Eddie closet to grab the last of the clothes.

Eddie pauses before asking, "You put your emergency date shoes the kids told me to never touch in your trunk to give me a box for my perfume?"

Steve shrugs. "Yeah." He stuffs everything down and closes the box, pushing it toward the door. But he's stopped by Eddie's hand on his arm.

"Why?" Eddie asks.

Steve straightens up and puts his hands on his hips. "It's clearly important to you, and I wasn't going to let you forget about it and accidentally throw it again when I'm not there to catch it."

Eddie holds his gaze for a few moments and Steve almost breaks the eye contact, not used to having Eddie's attention directly solely at him. But he feels like that will change in the future.

Eddie shifts and places a hand on Steve's back, leading him to where he placed the box. He picks it up and opens it, slowly unraveling the perfume and staring at it as if debating if he wants to share the story with Steve.

Steve just waits, not wanting to pressure him. Instead, he lets the moment play out.

Eddie breathes out, "It was my mom's."

It hits Steve all at once the implication of the phrase.

"She would wear it all the time. I remember she would put it on once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once before going to bed. I told her it was silly to do that before bed, but she told me it was only silly if I let it be." Eddie smiles at the memory before growing distant in his expression. "When she got sick, she started forgetting the time more and more. So, I would remind her. And toward the end, I started putting it on her when she felt too weak to spray it."

Steve shifts and lightly rests his hand on Eddie's back as he continues, "I told my dad that she should be buried with it. That she would want to have it with her and wear it all the time." Eddie's voice cracks a bit and he clears his throat. "He told me that was silly."

Steve shifts closer to Eddie so their sides are pressing together, trying to give him physical support because he's unsure of what to say.

Eddie shakes his head and smiles sadly. "I kept it since then. And I used to spray it all the time, and god, the guys at school would make fun of me for smelling like girl's perfume, but I didn't care. But maybe I should've listened to them because now I only have this much left." He holds up the bottle to emphasize his point, the perfume so low that it seems to barely cover the bottom of the glass.

"One time, I brought it to a perfume store to ask what brand it was. I thought maybe I could save up and buy another one." Eddie shakes his head again. "But the lady accused me of stealing it. She said there was no way I would've been able to afford it in the first place. That there was no reason for me to even have it unless I was looking for a cheap buck to make."

Steve's grip on Eddie's back presses a little firmer as he feels anger and disgust toward the woman overflood his system. "That's fucked up."

"A bit, yeah," Eddie agrees. He glances at Steve, and Steve realizes how close they are, but he doesn't try to move away. "Do you want to smell it?"

Steve's brows furrow. "Eddie, there's barely any left in there, don't waste it on me."

Eddie smiles somewhat bashfully. "No, it's alright. I haven't used it in a long time, and after everything we went through, I need the reminder."

"If you're sure, then yes. I would love that."

Eddie holds out his wrist and lightly sprays the perfume. He uses his other wrist to rub it in before he holds it up to Steve's nose. Steve takes a deep breath and is suddenly taken back to a vague memory from a Christmas years and years ago when Steve was too young to succumb to the disappointment from his parents who were still around. But it's a happy memory nonetheless.

"What do you think?" Eddie asks.

Steve smiles softly. "I think your mom had great taste. And it smells really beautiful. I wish I could've met her."

"Me too," Eddie replies softly, staring at the bottle.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"My mom had the same one. Years ago it was gifted to her. I ended up finding the bottle in one of the drawers in her bathroom. It was still in the box, so it wasn't too difficult to find at the store," Steve admits. He holds out his hand and says, "Here. I have to show you something."

Eddie carefully places the perfume back in the box and takes Steve's hand, following him up the stairs and into his room. Steve regrettably lets go of Eddie's hand to pull out a box from under his own bed. He holds it up to Eddie who gasps, "Steve, this must have cost you a fortune."

Steve glances down at the five boxes of perfume and shrugs. "There was a Christmas sale. Plus, I was able to use my Harrington charm a bit."

Eddie grabs the box and carefully sets it on Steve's bed before quickly wrapping his arms around Steve and pulling him in close. "Thank you. God, this is the best gift I've ever gotten."

Steve squeezes him tight. "Same with yours."

They remain in each other's arms for a few moments, not rushing the embrace or questioning how long they're allowed to linger. Only, when Steve starts pulling away, he starts questioning his next move. Because more than anything he wants to kiss Eddie.

The realization hits him hard. He knows exactly now what Robin's glances mean and what she's been expecting him to say. Of course, deep down he knew, but he just hadn't had to face it head-on yet. But here he is and... "Eddie," Steve says softly, lingering in his space.

"Steve," Eddie replies quietly, eyes flickering down to Steve's lips, already knowing what he means.

Steve takes a deep breath, feeling his heart pound in his chest as he asks, "Can I?"

"Hell yes," Eddie replies.

They both move together at the same time, meeting each other in a gentle kiss which they linger in. Steve moves away to breathe and shifts to cup Eddie's face with his hands and bring him in again. He kisses him with all he has, filled with the awe of the thoughtful gift he received, joy of the gift well received, and the overwhelming feeling that this is right.

Steve breaks the kiss with a smile and whispers, "Merry Christmas, Eddie."

"Merry Christmas, Steve," Eddie says breathlessly before kissing him again.

And it really is a merry Christmas.

[joonsytip]

Withering for You || Seungcheol- Part 4

Pairings: Seungcheol x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut, CEO! Seungcheol au, Husband! Seungcheol au, Wife! Reader au, Music Teacher! Reader au, Arranged Marriage au, College Sweetheart au, Exes to Lovers au

Synopsis: When you are arranged married to the man, whose heart you had broken years ago, even dreaming about mending things seems next to impossible when he has been holding grudge for all these only to return it to you tenfold.

Warnings (specific to this part): drama, crying, profanities, everyone is hurt and sad, everything is on rocks, mentions of infidelity (doesn't happen to though), mention of alcohol consumption, betrayal, italics represents occurrences in past

Word Count: 6.3k

TAGLIST FOR THIS SERIES IS CLOSED!

Banner credits to my baby @hoeforhao <3

[ SVT Masterlist ] [ SVT Flick - Fic Masterlist ]

Teaser | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Epilogue

They say betrayal is worse than death if you taste it from someone you trust, someone you love. It's stingy, it's sickening, it's scathing.

You have always believed in soulmates, entitled Seungcheol to that word since you've known him, even wanted to make promises of eternity with him. But you should have seen the signs, should have never crossed the lines. Must not have tried to slip into the loopholes.

But you got blinded by greed, a hopeful stance of getting back together. Was it so wrong to wish a happily ever after with the one you have loved selflessly? Apparently it was.

"Sit.", you tell Seungcheol and the later obeys.

And as he does so his eyes fall on a very familiar document kept on the table. Instantly, he goes numb.

You observe him for a moment and play the recordings Jiah had given you. Midway, a panic stricken Seungcheol runs to you and pauses the recording.

He grabs your arms and says in desperation, "I didn't do all this Y/N. I admit I had planned all this because I wanted revenge but please trust me, it wasn't me."

"Unhand me.", you command him coldly, "Your touch disgusts me."

Seungcheol looks at you alarmingly before freeing your arms. He thinks of ways to convince you because in actuality, like he said he had planned it all but something out of scope happened. He fell in love with you again so long gone were all of those thoughts and schemes.

"What goes around, surely comes around.", you let out a chuckle, "Maybe that's why, I'm going through this. I get that you wanted to trample me upon. It's fair, to think about what you've been through because of me, I could have understood.", you look at him, "You could have handed me the divorce papers on our anniversary. Could have had other women and it would have wounded me. But-"

The tears pooling at the corner of your eyes are streaming down, "But how could you stoop so low? Knowing how much this academy matters to me, knowing what music means to me, you went out to attack my soul."

"No Y/N, I was a fool, please please", Seungcheol is crying as well, choking on his words, "It was wrong of me but I would never--"

"They are calling me a thief. Because of this incident those out there are questioning my whole career. The career, I've pursued after fighting the odds, after struggling for years. The one thing that is entirely mine.", your eyes turn darker as you say, "You could have rather killed me, Seungcheol."

Seungcheol gasps and shakes his head frantically.

"Even if I clear my name today, there will be people who'll still doubt my ability. Some out there would assume that I might be guilty and just because I belong to an influential family, I must have pushed everything under the rug with money.", you are hurting yourself with every word you utter at this point, clutching your chest, "My image is tainted, my career is ruined. They will never look at me the same way."

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Y/N", he gets on his knees and clasps his hands, pleading, "I would do anything to clear your name. I'd do anything to win back your trust just give me one chance--"

You take his hands off you saying, "I have always loved you, Seungcheol. Back then, even now, I have chosen you. But none of that matters now. You have stabbed me in the back but I'll be one to pay the price. I thought you'd be different but these genes run in your family. I can't even blame Jiah. You Choi's are no different from her--", you halt.

"What do you mean?", Seungcheol asks confused.

"As I said none of that matters now. You are so petty that you acted out the whole thing. You don't love me and from today onwards I won't either.", you answer him, taking out the wedding ring from your dress pocket, "Here, I'm giving you what you wanted.", you take his hand and place the ring on his palm, "Congratulations! This marriage didn't get through it's first year. But I have a present for you. I have filed for divorce, the papers will be sent to you as soon as they're ready."

Seungcheol is at loss of words. He's unable to comprehend the situation. He wants to stop you but on what ground? The irreversible damage is already done.

"I have all of my belongings sent over.", you inform him, "And if you're planning to create a fuss about the divorce and what's gonna happen after the conference, head on. I won't be giving up like last time. I'll see through the end of it."

"It's happening again", he tells himself and sounds so broken when he speaks through his wavering voice, "Please don't leave me again."

"I had no choice, I was forced to leave you back then", you mutter under your breath, making it impossible for him to hear, "I was willing to stay this time but I have to leave, this time for my sake."

While you gather the rest of your belongings, Seungcheol stands there helpless. And as you walk out of the house, he watches you take away the life of his adobe with you.

Seungcheol numbly tunes in to watch the press conference. He sees you on the screen, out of his reach, out of his life. He listens to each word you say. How sad you look as you address the matter. Even though your legal team briefs the journalists, his eyes are glued to you. He observes how you don't explicitly mention him or the Choi enterprise but throw sublte hints to catch on.

But you make it obvious at the end of the conference by announcing your divorce to Seungcheol.

"I have filed for divorce against Choi Seungcheol and I would like to refrain you all from associating me with the Choi's in future."

Seungcheol is immediately thrown under the bus. People who were coining you as a thief are now praising you and busy portraying him as the villain.

But mopping won't do him any good. His mind reel backs to every word you have said before leaving. He needs to get answers to some questions. Most importantly, he has to get you back.

The next few days goes by Seungcheol handling the legal charges against him which are minor because he digs out enough evidence to prove that he wasn't involved in the slander and Jiah is the main culprit, adding exceptional charges to the list that would nearly ruin her and damage her company's reputation.

The Choi enterprise faces reputation loss as well which results in their stock plummeting and the board of directors complaining about the situation. But being humungous in business, the impact isn't uncontrollable and since Seungcheol is mentally exhausted his father lets him loose taking matters into his hands for the time being.

Everything is manageable or bearable except for the divorce papers which he has received on your first anniversary, that sits coldly on his office table.

"The house I bought is an hour drive from here and I'm planning to stay there for some time, just to take my mind off of things." you say fishing out your car keys, "I have saved my new contact number to your phones."

"But are you sure you don't want us to be there with you?", your mother asks worriedly.

"At least let us help you shift--"

"Dad, I have lived alone before as well. Plus Chan and my friends are gonna help me with the unpacking.", you move over to hug both of your parents, "Visit me after it's done. Plus I'm planning to throw a cozy house warming house, not soon though."

"We're proud of you.", your mother says patting your head.

"I'm sorry for all the troubles and stress you've been through for the past year.", you mumble, quickly wiping your tears, "I'll be fine, no looking back promise."

"We have always trusted you, just take care of yourself and call us.", your father says kissing your forehead.

Chan waits for you by the car and he doesn't let you drive throughout the time it takes to reach your new house. As your friends help you settle into your new home, you are grateful to them for keeping you distracted and not bringing up Seungcheol.

"I'm sorry, Kwan. The academy had to face such an incident because of me.", you say hanging your head low in shame because you don't want anyone to see your tears, the can of beer in your hand remains unsipped, "I have decided to take some time off, please handle the academy and it's okay if you want me to backout. I'll transfer my shares to you."

Seungkwan blames the atmosphere for the tears in his eyes. He wipes them and sits beside you, "I couldn't have done it alone. The reason the academy exists is because we both had given it our all. So take all the time you want but you'll have to return."

You lean onto him and it's your brother who comes to wipe your tears.

"I'm so sorry Chan.", you speak through the tears, "I should have listened to you. I never thought that Seu--", you go quiet because it pains you to even say his name.

Everyone in room goes silent. It's not haunting rather comforting. But the successive ringing of the phones cause a mild commotion.

"Wonwoo keeps on calling us.", Eunsoo mutters, switching off her phone.

"Just tell him that I'm fine.", you tell her, "I'll give him a call later. I haven't visited Wonseok lately so I need to talk to him anyways."

It's amusing, how the night changes.

Seungcheol is distressed. He realises you are not the only one he has lost, he has lost Ms. Oh's empathy, he has also lost precious friend Wonwoo as well.

Wonwoo is back to his stoic self, the version he was when Seungcheol met him first. Only talks business with him, leaves as soon as he's done with assigned work. No more late night drinks, no more taking shots, none of the banter.

He watches you laugh as Wonwoo tells you something animatedly. He watches how your eyes are dull even though your lips are stretched.

Seungcheol had overheard Wonwoo talking to someone on the phone about his brother so he decides to visit him seperately just to check on him. He didn't expect to see you there, making him question since when you knew about Wonseok.

Your face falls when you're suddenly interrupted by Seungcheol's presence. He stands in front of you wordless, you don't bother to strike any conversation with him either.

"I'll get going, let me know if you need anything else.", you tell Wonwoo and turn around walk away.

"Y/N", Seungcheol says, "Can I please talk to you?"

You crane your neck to meet his gaze, "I don't think we have any business with each other. Do me a favour and just sign the divorce papers."

"I can't.", Seungcheol speaks out without missing a beat, "I need you Y/N, please give me a chance, let me make things right. I promise I won't let you down anymore."

"Enough with this act, don't assume you could fool me twice. I'm done with you.", you move around so now you're facing him again.

"You've changed your number.", he says meekly, "I don't get to see you anymore. That house haunts me, it's not the same without you."

You step in, closing the gap within you two, "You're facing the consequences of your actions. Stop acting like a fucking victim.", you spat out before walking out.

Wonwoo is torn. He doesn't want to take sides, it's even more difficult to see both of his dear friends grieving and suffering but there's nothing he could do.

"Wonseok is going through a series of surgeries because his condition had worsened and Y/N has been paying for them.", Wonwoo informs Seungcheol and before he could ask, Wonwoo adds, "You're already paying me more than I should be so I didn't want to burden you more. She had accidentally found out about Wonseok one day and decided to help me out even though I wasn't ready to accept it. She was determined and I couldn't stop her."

Seungcheol isn't surprised rather he is confused. This version of yours is what he was habituated to when you were dating until you convinced him it wasn't on the day you broke up. Something isn't adding up. Something about your nature and the way you act to what you had said that day are contradicting. You aren't mean-hearted, you are a giver so why did you years ago do something so bizarre, the thought is unsettling.

"She has been taking some time off from the academy, no one knows when she'll be back. She is so affected by the incident that she was ready to give up on the academy. The one she had built from scratch with her blood, sweat and tears." Wonwoo speaks disappointedly, "Do you realise what you have done?"

Seungcheol is ashamed, there's an unhealing pain in his heart thinking about you, about how he should be the one aiding you in your tough time but he can't because he's the reason you're in agony.

"As you know, I had also hated Y/N for what she had done. And now that you see me being friends with her is not because she's paying for Wonseok.", Wonwoo halts and takes a breath, choosing his words carefully, "It goes far beyond that. You have always been heedful, I think it's time for you to be vigilant as well. The truth might be far from what you've believed it to be."

Wonwoo doesn't spare another second on his watch as he walks away ignoring the desperate calls of his name.

Seungcheol's mind is not in place anymore.

Your thoughts are everywhere. Peace and happiness are some of the things you haven't gotten to feel lately. Though you've decided to spend time alone at home, the loneliness is caving you in.

Maybe tonight you're feeling a little more lonely than usual. Maybe you shouldn't miss the person who had pushed you to the edge of the cliff. Maybe you shouldn't be good with dates. Maybe you shouldn't trace your thumb on the calendar reminiscing about the day, you both had made it official years ago.

The damned tears aren't stopping, your heart isn't healing.

The bell rings and you are surprised because no one is supposed to visit you today. Quickly wiping your eyes and cheeks you don't bother to check the monitor and open the door.

At the other side of the threshold stands Seungcheol. Your red eyes gape at him as he looks at you shivering from driving all the way here in the snow.

"What are you doing here?"

You know getting your new address and number wouldn't be a big deal to Seungcheol given his network runs deeper.

"Can you let me in atleast, I'm freezing."

You cross over your arms and step aside. He saunters in and wanders off to have a tour of the house. He stops when he senses the glare you're sending him.

"If you realise that this house too plain for your taste you can always contact me. We're best in the business.", Seungcheol says as his lips purse in a line.

"I wonder from where did you get the audacity to come here?", you ask plainly.

"Just wanted to see you", he admits, "I miss you, Y/N."

You scoff at his words.

"Also, there's something you left behind, I found it while going through the drawers.", Seungcheol fishes out a notebook from his inner coat pocket.

You immediately recognise the object, raising your hand flat for him to handover it to you.

"I instantly got reminded of you always carrying it and scribbled down if anything came to your mind. Seems like you had kept this notebook from prior to university days.", he hands over the notebook and touches your hand gently in the process.

His touch turns to strong grip and he doesn't let go.

"Thanks.", you say trying to free your hand, "You should leave now."

The wedding ring on his finger feels cold on your skin.

"I know you remember what day it is today.", he says pulling you closer so that now you're colliding into him, your faces an inch apart. Your eyes are wide and the notebook falls as you're grabbing onto his shoulder out of reflex.

He has an undeniable look of longing in his eyes. You should just push him away, even kick him out but you find yourself frozen.

"I still remember falling in love with you, every moment of it.", he whispers, his gaze switching between your eyes and lips.

"So I do, Cheol.", his nickname slips out of your mouth so casually, there's a pause before you speak, "Why did you have to ruin it all?"

"I regret it all.", he gently holds your face, "But I realised that I never stopped loving you otherwise why would I despise you if I hadn't been in love in the first place."

"You could have broken my heart but you went after my soul."

"You did the same to me years ago. You took my soul away and I became just a shell.", he isn't complaining, just letting you know how difficult it was for him as well, "I planned everything to get back to you but what wasn't planned was my feelings resurfacing, falling in love with you all over again. I had forgotten all the schemes, had forgotten the reason why I hated you in the first place."

When he rests his forehead against yours, you close your eyes basking in the moment. What he did was definitely beyond any excuse but Seungcheol isn't entirely at fault. The fact that he was ready to start again with you after how you had treated him years ago proves the truth behind his words. The difference is you were forced to act out but he wasn't. He chose to destroy you.

So your eyes snap open and you're pushing him away.

"Leave Seungcheol.", you step away, "And never come back again."

Seungcheol sighs, "What should I do for you take me back? If you want I would never show myself in the vicinity of the academy. I wouldn't even ask you anything remotely related to your works or the academy. I'll stay all out of it, I promise."

"Nothing you do would make me go back to you.", your words taste bitter in your mouth, "We are not meant to be, we're not good for each other."

That is basically you firmly rejecting him, letting him aware that he has axed the mended fence.

Seungcheol smiles sadly, "Only if I could show you my heart and mind."

He then leaves with a heavy heart.

The next few days goes by Seungcheol racking his thoughts to make up his mind. Every time he thinks about you wanting to desperately cut ties with him, he relents. He laments on himself for what he has caused. At nights when he deliberately stays late, he mentally prepares himself to sign those papers because that's the only way to atone for his sins.

But those divorce papers get through every night without getting signed. Because when Seungcheol thinks he's ready that's when the realisation gnaws on him that he's actually not, that he'll never be.

And it gets harder each time he tries.

So one night, he lets his intrusive thoughts get the best of him and he ends up calling you.

"I'm trying but I can't bring myself to sign those papers", he speaks into the phone clutching it hard followed by a shaky breath, "I really want to give you what you want but whenever I think about not having you in my life, my willingness deters."

You stay quiet.

"Sorry to disturb you. Don't know what I was thinking. Please take care of yourself, bye.", he hangs up and collapses back on the chair.

Wonwoo watches through the blinds and he isn't new to this. Years ago Seungcheol had gone into a spiral, had almost given up on living post the breakup and now it hurts Wonwoo to see the history repeating itself.

So this time he promises to intervene for both of your sake, specially Seungcheol.

He has two things on his to-do list and though he isn't sure what the outcome will be, he's going to do them. He gathers everyone and let's them know of his plan.

"Mingyu, Eunsoo, Seungkwan", his gaze sweeps on the three, "You're gonna go and convince Y/N."

"I'll go to uncle and aunt.", Wonwoo says.

Eunsoo looks at him questionably, "We get our part. But are you sure your friend's gonna be okay?"

"Most importantly, I'm not sure how this will end because both of them are unpredictable as fuck.", Mingyu adds.

Seungkwan who was silent the whole time, speaks, "Guys, let's go for it. We will handle the aftermath.", he looks at Wonwoo, "You'll have to take care of Seungcheol because he's gonna hurt the most."

"It's better to be over it, Seungcheol deserves to know."

"What's wrong with you guys?", You ask absolutely astonished. All of your friends have suddenly busted into your house and are now advocating you on something that is supposed to be out of their box.

"Why are you suddenly siding with Seungcheol?", you say with a frown, "I'm feeling betrayed. I'm gonna call Chan now."

Eunsoo and Mingyu break into cold sweat knowing how scary your brother can be. Seungkwan sighs looking at the other two and gets that he has no other way but to sort down to what he's best at. He says, "Y/N, do you think we'd ever think ill of you? Do you think we'd be at your door because suddenly we felt emphatic towards Seungcheol? That's how lowly you think of us?"

The look on Mingyu and Eunsoo's faces are absolute comedic. They didn't expect Seungkwan would pull out his trump card.

Your gaze is unwavering when you say, "This won't work on me you know right?"

Seungkwan smiles, "Of course I know but we also know that you love Seungcheol and won't be happy without him. So we're saying all this just for your sake, not his, not anyone else's."

"You're wr-"

"You had 7 years but you couldn't get over him, even accepted his family just to marry him.", Seungkwan continues, "You had come across so many good men all these years but no one piqued your interest because you only had Seungcheol in your heart."

"Y/N, I did believe him when he said he fell in love again. I had seen the way he looked at you, the way he was protective around you. The way his eyes were always on you, radiating love. It may have started as an act but at some point it became real.", Eunsoo smiles at you, "He loves you."

"But Soo--"

"If you really loathed him, you wouldn't have waited for him to sign those divorce papers, you would have upsurged everything. You have the power to ruin the Chois wholly but you're just buying yourself some time.", Mingyi adds and immediately shifts to hug you, "What Seungcheol did was incredibly wrong, wait he didn't even do it. It was Jiah."

"Are you not getting Jiah did all just to separate you both again?", Seungkwan ask and you look at him wide eyed.

"She had done the exact thing years back and was successful. Please don't let her win again. If she can't have Seungcheol, she has planned all this for you to not have him as well.", Eunsoo voices out her concerns, "Don't let all these heartbreaks, tears and sacrifices go in vain just because of some misunderstandings. Don't do something you'd regret because you didn't mend it when you had a chance."

Your heart sinks at their words.

"Take your time but choose what you think is the best for you.", Eunsoo rubs your back gently, "Rationality shouldn't always take the stance, sometimes hearts should be listened to."

You take a deep breath and say, "Fine guys, I'll think about it."

The smile on their faces are unmatchable.

Seungcheol is worried when he receives a call from his mother asking him to urgently come to their house. Wonwoo is already waiting by the car and though Seungcheol asks if he knows anything he stays tight lipped throughout the ride.

"I'll be waiting for you right here. Call me if you need me.", Wonwoo says with an intone and for some reason it doesn't resonate well with Seungcheol.

He is led into his father's study where he sees both of his parents waiting. They are heartbroken seeing their only son. Seungcheol has lost weight, accumulated bags under red eyes, appearance unkempt.

"Take a seat.", his father says, "I have something to tell you and it's regarding Y/N."

Seungcheol immediately perks up at your mention. An eerie silence falls upon the room. Seungcheol's anxious gaze searches for his parents'.

"Y/N was forced to break up with you years ago. I had made her do so.", his father admits.

Seungcheol freezes. He thinks he's hearing things that are not supposed to make any sense.

"Ever since I had started the business I had been diligent to it. Dedication and honesty does account for success but so also being money minded and cunning. As years went by that consistency and success made me cling to riches, fame and status that came along with it.", his father says as he takes a seat gesturing him to do the same. "You must be remembering that we were facing financial crisis because one of our major investor had withdrawn. It had affected us greatly."

Seungcheol nods, "We were on the verge of facing bankruptcy."

"Since Jiah's father runs a finance company, we had made small sort of deals previously but that time the amount required was large and no one was willing to help us not even her father. But later Jiah came to me and offered me a deal."

"W-What deal?"

"That she would convince her father to provide us support only if", there's an ominous pause before Mr. Choi looks at him and says, "I remove Y/N out of your life."

A tear falls from his eye, as he hears the tale of betrayal from none other but his father.

"I have never liked Y/N, the reason was basic, she didn't belong to our circle. Initially I thought she was just a fling but so I agreed with Jiah."

Seungcheol is numb at this point, he just sorts to listening.

"One day I had brought in Y/N to let her know that she needs to find her way out of your life.", Mr. Choi's gaze falls, "She instantly refused. No matter what I said she wasn't willing to leave you. One meeting turned to two, two turned to three but she was hellbent on not letting you go."

"With Jiah constantly pressurizing me, threatening to nullify the deal if not taken action soon, I became desperate.", he confesses, "So I resorted to one thing I should have never done. I can never forgive myself for that."

You say in utter disbelief, "Why don't you tell your son to breakup with me instead? Stop pestering me, you know we both love each other and Mr. Choi let me make this clear, this is the last time I'm meeting you."

Mr. Choi gives you a sickening smile. He casually says, "Your brother is currently studying in Australia, if I'm not wrong."

You pale instantly, "W-What about him?"

"You're right, this is gonna be our last meeting. If you don't breakup with my son, I'm not sure what I'll do with your brother. What if you don't get to see your dear little brother anymore?"

"Mr. Choi, you can't do this. Please--"

"I'm not here to negotiate. I think you're smart enough to make the right choice. So tell me Y/N, what did you decide?"

You are crying and begging but there's no mercy reserved to spare for you. How are you supposed to choose between your brother and the love of your life? You will have to so you choose what's best for all, you choose both.

"Fine, I'll breakup with Seungcheol. So stay away from my brother."

Mr. Choi smiles in mirth, "You made the right descision. Rest assured."

With job being done, he is walking out of the hall when your call of his name reaches his ears.

He turns with an incredulous look on his face as he waits for you to speak.

"Promise me that you'll never tell Seungcheol about this incident.", comes your strained voice.

"I wasn't planning to anyways.", Mr. Choi says, "Even better for me, I promise to not tell Seungcheol about any of this."

Seungcheol runs to his father with the intention of doing something unspeakable but he stops right in front of him and collapses on the ground.

"How could you do this?", he sobs uncontrollably, "How could you stoop so low?", he balls his hands into fists and channels the anger on the floor, hitting it again and again that's when his mother steps in to stop him.

He looks at her and say, "How could you not tell me? How could you tolerate your husband even after knowing all this?", he then swats her away.

Getting up, he's gasping for air, unable to comprehend with the pain in his chest and head. Restlessness engulfs him but he doesn't let both of his parents to even touch him.

"I'm ashamed to call you both my parents.", he spats out, "I'll never forgive for ruining our lives. I hope all of this was worth it."

Then he's running out of the house ignoring the calls of his name. Wonwoo is immediately grabbing his friend, making him sit and drink water.

"You also knew but didn't tell me?", Seungcheol asks as fresh tears stream down his face.

"I only came to know recently and Cheol even if I had known, it's not my story to tell.", Wonwoo answers.

It takes Seungcheol over an hour to calm down.

"You don't need to attend me, I'm fine.", Seungcheol says stoicly, "You can go, I have somethings to take care of."

Though Wonwoo refutes but Seungcheol is adamant, leaving no choice for him but to obey his boss.

As soon as Wonwoo gets out of the car, Seungcheol drives off.

You are extremely tired, mentally and today for some reasons are you feel thinned out physically as well.

Staring at the cello, ominous thoughts fill in your mind. Because no matter how hard you try, you are unable to produce anything. There are no notes or no tunes, it's all blank.

And you're scared, what if music doesn't choose you anymore? What if you can't produce anything for the rest of your life? All these possibilities scares you enough to spend sleepless nights. It has disturbed your appetite as well.

Tossing and turning, as you've been doing for nights with minimal sleep at dawn hours, you sit up startled when the doorbell rings.

All the exhaustion is now replaced with concern when you see Seungcheol who continuously weeps at the door.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

Just a shake of head and he keeps on crying.

It's been about twenty minutes since he arrived crying and you're seriously considering about calling Wonwoo.

The way he's visibly hurting, hurts you too and you resort to hug him, patting his back, "If you're hurting because of me, please don't.", you say softly, tears pricking at your eyes subconsciously.

Seungcheol pulls away, looking at you. His sobs stop and the first thing he does is hold your face and kiss you. You're surprised, his lips graze yours but you don't kiss him back. Your hands push his chest and he's detaching himself mumbling a string of apologies.

"It was all for nothing.", he sounds so heartbroken when he speaks, "All those years spent in pain, hatred and resentment towards you, you didn't deserve any of it."

You have an inkling and it doesn't settle well in your bones, "Whatever you're saying is making no sense. Why are you here?"

Seungcheol looks dead in your eyes, "Because I know now. I know what happened all those years ago."

Your soul leaves your body at his words. You never wanted him to find out because you knew it'd tear him apart.

"W-Who told you?"

"Does it matter?"

And your very first instinct is to grab your phone and make a call to his father but Seungcheol doesn't let you. The phone gets snatched from your hands and thrown away somewhere.

"Why did you do it?", he asks and his questions irks you.

You scoff, "Are you seriously asking me why I did it after knowing everything? Seungcheol, I was threatened with my brother's life, what did you expect me to do?"

Seungcheol shakes his head, "No that Y/N. Why did you make dad promise you about not telling me about this?"

"What could I have done Seungcheol?", your voice cracks, "I loved you so much and trust me, I tried everything I could to be with you, to not hurt you but-- it killed me to lie to you. I went through hell and back trying to stop myself from telling you 'no I'm lying, please don't leave, I love you as much as you do'.

"That day I took your heart away.", You exhale sharply, "I didn't want to crush your soul as well, didn't want to make it anymore difficult for you then it already was. I knew how much you looked upto your father, how much you cherished your parents. I didn't want you to fight your family", your heart twinges as you continue, "Though it wasn't possible for me to love again, I prayed that you would move on, meet someone who'd make you forget all the sorrows I gave you. I wished for you to fall in love again and live happily."

You chuckled through your tears, "Won't lie, it would have hurt me but if it assured your happiness I'd have hurt myself all over again, all of the times."

Seungcheol observes you quietly, he absorbs your words to his heart.

"What does that make me, Y/N?", he asks defeated.

"You weren't at fault, Cheol. I chose what it seemed the best for all of us."

"I hated you, married you and plotted revenge. Hurt you and now indirectly lead to something that almost ruined your career.", he speaks as if he's narrating a monologue, "I kept wounding the wounded and siding with the foes."

"Stop blaming yourself. What you did was indeed wrong, you should have never attempted take a blow at my career. But years ago, even after all that you were ready to start again.", you remind him.

Seungcheol completely shuts himself out.

"Till yesterday, I was in a dilemma. They say if you love someone you should let them go. Call me selfish but I couldn't even think of parting ways with you. I wanted to fight for us. I'd have courted you until you got bored of me. I would have waited for a lifetime, even if you'd have moved on.", he avoids eye contact so that his resolution doesn't deter, "But how could I tie you to the people who tried to harm you, harm your family?"

"I won't beg for forgiveness anymore. Honestly, I don't want you to forgive us. If you're having second thoughts about us, discard them. Please just discard me.", he voices out in desperation, "Be selfish and choose yourself this one time."

He takes out a paper from his coat pocket which you recognise very well.

"Till yesterday signing these papers seemed impossible for me but it's surprising, how events turned out to be.", he takes your hand and places the paper saying, "I have signed them. This time I chose what's best for you."

There's a sickening churn in your stomach that makes you realise that there's nothing you can do.

"I love you, Y/N."

The weight of those words fall heavy on you as Seungcheol closes in.

"For one last time, please.", he says holding your face.

You incline towards him and instantly his lips are on yours. One of his hands now settle on your neck firmly as your lips dance on featherly. His other hand is gripping your waist to hold you in place. The saltiness of his tears burn on your tongue, making you suck in a gasp. His kisses you till his heart's content because it's a kiss of goodbye before resting his forehead on yours.

"Don't go", your strained voice whispers, "Please don't go."

Seungcheol whispers back, "I have to. Please don't stop me, I'm not strong enough to refuse you."

The tears stream down your face, "Would nothing I do be enough to stop you?"

"Y/N, please", he pleads, "You were right when you said we're not meant to be because I have only hurt you. I don't deserve you."

"Cheol..."

He steps back and you're suddenly engulfed by coldness.

"The chapter named Choi Seungcheol in your life ends right now.", he balls his hands, grits his teeth, does everything to not let those tears spill, "Since you might not submit the divorce papers, I have already handed over a copy to your attorney."

He turns back, rubbing his chest, the pain is unbearable.

"Cheol, please..."

"It's snowing so don't follow me outside, you'll catch a cold. Goodbye Y/N."

Then he leaves, from your house, apparently from your life.

And you realised not all stories have a happy ending, there's not always a happily ever after.

→ Do not copy, re-post, translate, or share any of my works on other platforms! All stories are copyrighted, joonsytip. ©️

[lovingmattysposts]

Friends with Benefits Part 3

(I would listen to these two songs on repeat while reading)

P1 P2 P4 P5 P6

pairing: y/n and matt sturniolo

summary: You and Matt are best friends, who occationaly have sex on the low. No string attached, just sex. Well, just sex for him. Little did he know you were falling in love and falling fucking fast.

warnings: smut, mention of an age gap (not in a creepy way, just a joke), drinking, cursing, a physical fight at the end

part three you guys have been begging for, prepare yourselves now. Just warning you this one is a sad one, love yall

xoxo, Autumn

"This one?" I asked holding up the third option of the night. "No" She stated staring at me. I dropped the dress in my hands and glared at her. "You're not taking this seriously" I said turning back to my closet. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Oh, I'm taking this very seriously" She nodded. I glared back at her.

The truth was is that i've been avoiding Matt all week. I respond to his texts, miss his calls. I'll say I miss him, but I won't come over. It's been a back in forth battle between my mind whether or not I wanted to do this or not. All day I'll pace around, saying that I was done. Then the night came and I would text him. He was starting to get irretated and I knew it.

Tonight was his birthday. I was texting him last night when it turned midnight.

last night:

to Matt Stromboli       12:01am

I guess you're a year older now

From: Matt Stromboli     12:01am

Is that suppose to be your way of telling me happy birthday?

to Matt Stromboli   12:02am

Something like that

From: Matt Stromboli   12:02am

How sweet of you. Oops, just got another text from my side hoe, she sent me a paragraph

I knew it was a joke, but it hit me like a punch in the face. I couldn't show it, and that's when my brain tells me i'm trying to pull back for a reason.

to Matt Stromboli   12:04

Wouldn't want to keep her waiting now do we?

From: Matt Stromboli 12:02am

Oh of course not, brb

From: Matt Stromboli 12:03am

Thank you so much for the deep message y/n/n, I can't stop thinking about you either. You are so hot and I can't wait to spend the entire night with you while you tell me just HOW happy you are that it is my birthday. 20 has never felt so good. Guess I'm considered a pedo since you're still 19, but still can't keep you off my mind ;)

to Matt Stromboli 12:04

Was that you referencing me as your side hoe and dissing my age all in one message?

From: Matt Stromboli 12:05am

Side hoe, main hoe, whatever hoe. You fit the description for all of them.

From: Matt Stromboli 12:05

....or you guys just happen to have the same name

to Matt Stromboli 12:06

So you're messing with TWO 19-year-olds. brb calling the police

From: Matt Stromboli 12:06

Lol so funny. (pls don't)

I laughed out loud.

to Matt Stromboli 12:07

I just talked to them. They said you're sentenced to no birthday sex from either of the 19-year-olds.

From: Matt Stromboli 12:07

NO PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING. THERE IS ONLY ONE 19-YEAR-OLD I SWEAR

to Matt Stromboli 12:08

wow never have seen you beg before. Kinda like it

From: Matt Stromboli 12:09

Don't get used to it. You've been depriving me for a week now, i'm starting to lose vision in my left eye.

to Matt Stromboli 12:08

Goodnight birthday boy

From: Matt Stromboli 12:10

God that message just made me hard

to Matt Stromboli 12:08

Oh god, doctor, he's flat-lining

From: Matt Stromboli 12:10

my doctor is a gross old man, you ruined it.

to Matt Stromboli 12:11

Sorry

From: Matt Stromboli 12:12

Can I call you?

I sighed looking at the ceiling. As much as I wanted to keep this going of pulling back. It was midnight and I was talking to the man I was in love with and he hasn't touched me in a week.

From: Matt Stromboli 12:13

Please. I just need to hear your voice. You could literally talk about anything for about 30 seconds and I'll be done for.

I smiled.

to Matt Stromboli 12:11

Am I dreaming or is Matthew Bernard Sturniolo being submissive?

From: Matt Stromboli 12:13

I can't finish without you, please. It's my birthday

I rolled my eyes before I clicked to call him. It didn't ring one time before he answered. "Matthewwww" I sang. I already heard him whine over the phone and small breaths over the phone. My eyes went wide.

"Wow okay. Already going at it I see?" I chuckled. "Shut up" He grunted over the phone. I sat up on my bed, smiling to myself. "Hey who's the one in control right now? I could start talking about your doctor again and turn you off so fast" I stated. He groaned. "Stop talking about my doctor" I heard him chuckle over the phone.

"Then stop telling me to shut up" I said bluntly. He let out a breath. "Okay, I'm sorry" He said quickly. I smiled, I loved this. "What do you want me to talk about?" I asked, he took a few second before responding.

"Anything-Anything just keep talking" He stuttered. I smiled, rolling over. "Okay" I sighed thinking. I could fuck with him. "Today I did laundry." I stated. I heard him chuckle softly. "Yeah?" He breathed. I hummed. "Yeah and then I fingered myself while wearing that shirt you gave me" I said out of the blue. I heard him moan almost immediately, making me chuckle.

"A-Are you serious?" He asked breathlessly. I chuckled to myself. "No, I just have no idea how to do this" I laughed. I heard him chucking a bit, before breathing in. "Dude" He said. "Plus I'm on my period" I lied. "No you're not" He grunted. I furrowed my eyebrows. "I have your period on a tracker" He breathed. I rolled my eyes, of course he did.

"Tell me what you're wearing" He breathed. I looked down at my big t-shirt and sweatpants. "Uhm" I hummed. "Nothing" I lied. I heard short and shallow breaths. "Just laying here, like naked you know?" I sighed looking up.

"I know you're lying" He moaned. I giggled. "Tell me about you're day" He grunted. "Just keep talking" His voice broke at the last word. I sighed into the phone. "Okay, well. I cleaned my room I was actually being really productive. Then I started scrolling through instagram then-Oh! You know that clothing account that has the like spider-web design like thing on it?" I asked through the phone.

"Uh humm" He hummed through the phone. "Well I bought like a sweatshirt off of it, and I'm actually really excited for it to come in, you know?" I smiled. "Yeah baby" He sighed into the phone.  I smiled. "Lucy said it was a stupid buy, but I think that it would look really cool with those cargo pants I got, but I have no idea what shoes to wear with them. Trying out a new like cool look." I said smiling. He breathed in sharply.

"Fuck" He cursed, his breathing getting heavier. "Are you clooossee?" I asked. "Hm huh" He breathed. I sighed into the phone. "I wish I was there" I stated leaning on my hand as i started to play with my hair. "Me too" He said quickly. "Hmm, you wish it was my hand don't you?" I teased. "Fuck, yes" He moaned. I smiled.

"Just pretend that is. That I'm hovering over you, kissing your neck. Telling you to let go all over my fingers like a good birthday boy-" I almost laughed at my dirty talk, but he liked it.

"Y/n-Fuck-I-" I heard him say loudly and then moaned loudly, before he let out a deep breath. "Are you-Did you-" I asked. "Yes" He chuckled. I smiled. "Good" I stated. He sighed into the phone. "Hold on a second" He said and I heard rustling on the other end, and I waited.

"You're coming tomorrow right?" He asked. I sighed into the phone. "Yeah" I breathed. "Good" He said softly, settling back down.

"Nate and Justin come in tomorrow and they are staying with us" He explained. I nodded. "That'll be fun" I said over the phone. He sighed. "The only reason I'm saying that is because you can't spend the night tomorrow" He said, making my face drop and my heart hurt.

"Oh" I said, swallowing. "I just don't want to make it a thing you know? I mean like it's not a big deal with Chris and Nick because they like know, but I don't feel like explaining it to Nate and Justin" He said, making me breath out.

"Right" I said. I felt like an idiot. An absolute idiot. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. Feeling the pit in mu stomach form from the punch in the gut. You're not like my girlfriend, so you shouldn't spend the night when people I care about are staying with me.

"But, I am still excited for you to see them and meet them and stuff" He said. I bit my lip. "Yeah, yeah of course" I breathed. "And I'm excited to see you. Since you've been ghosting me the past week" He chuckled.  I swallowed. "Yeah, sorry i've just been.....busy" I said feeling tears start to fill in my eyes.

"Yeah I know, no hard feelings. I just miss seeing my homie" He said happily. His homie. Fucking Ouch. "Yeah yeah. I just-" I took a breath. "I'll just see you at the party then" I said shaking my head. "Okay cool" He said before we said our goodbyes. I swallowed clicking off the phone.

present:

I swallowed shifting through my clothes remembering last night. "Just pick something already" She sighed. I picked out a black dress and showed it to her. Her eyes went wide. "What? It's my favorite dress" I argued. "No" She said standing. "It's Matt's favorite dress" She said raising her eyebrows. I sighed looking at it, it did make me look really good.

"Give me the shirt back or i'm wearing it" I said looking over at her. She sighed and looked at me. "No" She said. "Then, I'm wearing it" I smiled before walking into the bathroom.

-

We were on the uber ride there when I turned to Lucy. "I'm gonna talk to him eventually Lucy, I just-tonight's his birthday" I sighed. She looked over at me and nodded. "I'll hold my breath" She smiled making me shake my head. She pushed me slightly.

"Hey, it's your life you can do what you want. I just don't want to see you get hurt" She said quietly. I nodded. Lucy was a good friend. She really was, but I was already hurt. Constantly getting hurt. I looked down at the box in my hand, rubbing my thumb over it.

"Is that for Matt?" She asked looking down, I nodded. I opened it looking down at the ring. It was a ring that he's wanted for so long. So I thought I'd buy it for his birthday. Now looking down at it, I debated even giving it to him. I closed it before putting it back in my purse and turning to look out the window.

We pulled up to the house and their were cars lining the street. We thanked the driver and walked out and up to the house. I stood at the door for a second. Lucy stopped and looked at me. "You okay?" She asked. I looked at her before nodding, but not moving.

"You gonna go inside?" She asked pointing at the door. I licked my lips. "It feels-" I started to say. "Weird" I whispered. She sighed leaning over to me. "You look hot. If Matt can't see it then screw him. Okay? Birthday or not I'll beat his ass" She smiled making me smile.

I nodded before walking through the door. The loudness of the party came over me as we walked in. I glanced around before I saw all of them standing and talking in the kitchen. I swallowed and turned towards Lucy who was behind me.

"What are you doing?" She asked quickly. "I can't do it" I said shaking my head. She furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?" She asked leaning towards me. "I can't be here, not tonight, not on his birthday. I can't-" I started to shake my head.

"Y/n!"

I winced at the sound of my name being called. Lucy looked up behind me and then back down to me. "They are walking over here" She whispered in between her teeth. I opened my eyes and slowly turned around. I saw Chris, Nate, and Nick all walk up to me glancing behind them seeing Matt and Justin stay on the other side of the kitchen, while Matt glanced at me. I looked away from them.

"Hey" I smiled up at Nick, bringing him into a hug. "Happy birthday" I said as I pulled back from the hug. "Thank you" He smiled. I pulled Chris into a hug as well. "Happy birthday" I smiled, he let go. "Thanks Y/n/n" He smiled down at me. I looked over to Nate.

"Y/n and Lucy, this is Nate" Nick said motion to Nate. I pulled him into a hug as well, catching Matt's stare from the other side of the kitchen. I let Nate go, leaning back. "It's nice to meet you" Nate smiled at me. I nodded smiling. "It's nice to meet you too, these boys never shut up about you" I smiled, making him look over at Chris and Nick.

"I'm Lucy, I don't do hugs. Happy birthday boys" She motioned to Chris and Nick. They nodded.

"So Y/n, do you live in LA?" Nate asked. I nodded looking down. "I do, i've lived here my whole life" I said looking at him, he nodded. "I'm gonna have to come visit more often" He said smiling, making me raise my eyebrows. Chris and Nick looked at each other. Lucy looked over at me. I awkwardly laughed.

"Oh yeah well" I cleared my throat. "You look beautiful" He said looking at me. I opened my mouth to respond when Matt came over to us. He put his hands on Nate's shoulders staring down at him.

"Nate, getting a little too friendly with my guests hm?" He said smiling. Nate just looked at him. Lucy eyed me and I just looked at her. Matt looked over to me, releasing Nate. "Y/n" He stated. I nodded at him. Nick looked between us and cleared his throat.

"Justin, this is Y/n" Nick said motioning to Justin. I looked over smiling, shaking his hand. "Hi" I smiled he nodded. Matt stayed looking at me. "Y/n/n, let's go get a drink" Lucy said pulling my arm. I looked at her and then to Matt.

"Okay" I breathed as we walked away. I let out a deep breath. "That was weird" Lucy said. I nodded. "Really weird" She nodded. I turned back around looking at them, Matt's eyes were trained on me. I swallowed turning back around as Lucy handed me a drink.

-

The rest of the night I attempted to talk to as many people as I possibly could so that I wouldn't run into Matt. I didn't want to deal with my feelings, if I was being completely honest. I didn't want to face him.

I've been here and hour and haven't even spoken to him. Lucy turned to me and told me she was going to the bathroom. I nodded as she walked off. I wasn't standing there three seconds before I felt someone walk up to me.

"You're not gonna tell me happy birthday?"

I turned slowly, seeing Matt looking down at me. I blinked up at him before looking down. "I already did Matt, last night" I said barley looking at him, keeping my eyes busy scanning the room. He licked his lips, his eyes trained on my face.

"You've been avoiding me" he stated making me look up at him. He was looking down at me with an expression I couldn't read.

"No I haven't" I lied. "I know when you lie to me y/n" He stated quickly. I swallowed before bringing my drink up to my mouth. He took it out of my hands, putting it on the counter beside us.

I looked down at the cup and then back up at him.

"Happy Birthday Matt" I breathed before attempting to turn, but I felt my arm being grabbed as he dragged me away. I looked up at him as he dragged me away down the hall.

"Matt" I said trying to get my arm away but he pushed me into his room before closing the door.

"Matt! What the hell was-"

"Are you pregnant?" He asked looking down at me closing his eyes briefly. My mouth fell open. That was the last possible thing I expected to fall from him mouth.

"W-What?" I asked looking up at him in shock. He sighed looking down. "Fuck Y/n are you? because if you are-Oh my god-Fuck-" he rambled.

"Matt I'm not pregnant!" I yelled at him. He looked up at me pausing. "Then what is wrong?" He threw us hands up. I sighed looking down.

"Y/n/n" he breathed stepping towards me. If I was smart, I would step away from him. But I was the dumbest bitch alive. I looked up at him as his hands came around my waist.

"Talk to me." He breathed. I let out a shaky breath. I looked down at my purse. I looked back up at him, his eyes boring into mine. I gripped my purse.

"I got you something" I whispered. He just looked at me. "For your birthday" I said reaching down and opening my bag. He looked down, stepping back for a second. I pulled out the small box and handed it to him.

He looked down at it and then back at me. I smiled sadly at him. He looked back down opening the small box and pulling out the ring. He smiled rubbing his thumb over it. He looked up at me.

"You didn't have to do that y/n/n" he breathed. I nodded. "I know I just thought-" I swallowed. I looked up at him. "Do you like it?" I whispered.

He nodded. "I love it" He said looking at it. He walked over setting the box on his dresser and slipping the ring over his finger. I looked down at my feet.

"You look pretty" he said as he turned around. I just looked at him. "Yeah" I stated. He walked over to me slowly.

"It's the dress" he stated as he ran his finger over the strap. I swallowed. "It's the dress" I said back. The dress I was wearing the first time we hooked up. He put his hands on my face. I blinked up at him.

I love you so much. 

My mind screamed.

"I love the ring" he said rubbing his thumbs across my cheeks. I smiled. "I'm glad" I said quietly, almost inaudible.

I want this to be forever. I wanted this to be real. I want to be yours. I don't want to be hiding behind your bedroom door anymore.

I closed my eyes.

"I've thought about you all day long" he whispered. My eyes stayed closed. "Yeah?" I whispered back. "Yeah" he breathed before I felt him kiss me softly. I opened my eyes as he pulled away.

"Have you had a good birthday?" I asked. He smiled. "Yeah" he said leaning down and kissing my cheek so softly. I swallowed. He lifted his head and looked at me.

"Does the police sentence still stand?" He whispered as he trailed his hand down my arm. Sex. Right. I let out a shaky breath.

"I-I don't know" I stuttered. He pulled me against him, making me breath in. "I'm staying in here with you while my birthday party goes on out there" he stated as he brushed a piece of hair behind my ear.

"And I can't have you tonight" he dragged out smiling. I just watched him. "And I've missed you. I've missed this" he stated. I looked up at him.

"And you in that dress" he sighed looking down at me. I swallowed feeling my emotions starting to come up my throat.

"Matt?" I whispered. He looked up at me. "Can you kiss me?" I asked softly. He smiled and nodded before bringing our lips together in a slow kiss. I kissed him back, in my mind kissing my boyfriend. On his birthday. And after he was going to walk out there holding my hand announcing to the world that I was his girlfriend. That he was proud of me. Proud that I was his.

I sighed as I kissed him. He pushed me back by my hips and pushed me onto the bed, climbing on top me. I connected us back together in a hungrier kiss.

"You make me crazy" he mumbled against my lips. You have no idea how crazy you make me. I closed my eyes feeling the lump in my throat pushing it down. Praying it would go down.

He moved down kissing my neck hungrily, slightly pushing up my dress. I stared up at the ceiling feeling it in my chest. The reality of the situation setting in, hitting me like a ton of bricks. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair.

I felt tears start to brim at my eyes. I couldn't focus on his mouth against my neck. I couldn't even feel the sensation of it anymore, all I was focused was the tears threatening to spill over.

"Matt" I said softly as the tears pooled. "Hmm" He breathed against me moving downward towards my chest, pushing the dress up higher. I swallowed and closed my eyes.

"Matt stop. Please stop" my voice broke. Immediately from hearing my voice he sat up lifting his hands off me completely. He looked down at me with a look of fear when he saw my face.

"What? What happened? Y/n what's wrong?" His voice full of concern as he looked in my eyes. I shook my head tears spilling from my eyes. I felt his hands come up to my face and I pushed them off of me. I rolled out from under him and he sat hesitantly next to me, going to hold me but paused.

"Y/n. What's wrong? Why are you crying? Did I do something?" He asked next to me quickly. I shook my head and looked down, not being able to form words, my throat closing. suffocating me. His presence and his confusion suffocating me.

"Y/n" he said softly, placing his hand on my leg. I pushed it off. "I don't understand" he shook his head. I took a deep breath and stood up.

"That's the problem Matt, you don't understand" I said shaking my head and wiping my face. "You don't understand that every single thing you do fucking kills me! You're killing me." I yelled down at him. He just stared up at me, like a lost puppy.

"Don't look at me like-like that" I said turning my head starting to cry harder. He stood up reaching for me but I stepped back. "No" I whimpered.

"Y/n-" he started to say but I cut him off. "It's not f-fair!" I pointed at him.  "It's not fair that you hold me after we have sex. It's not fair that you kiss me like you care about me. It's not fair that you tell me you think about me all day. It's not fair that tell me not to see anyone else. It's not fair that you almost rip your best friend's fucking head off for flirting with me." I said out of breath. His face turned hard and he looked down.

"It's not fair that call me yours when I'm n-not!" I yelled letting the tears stream down my face, clawing at my chest. He just blinked up at me.

"Y-You don't get it" I breathed. "You don't get that every single thing you say to me-" I took a deep breath. I couldn't think, everything that was in my mind was coming out like a word vomit.

"Y-you treat me like your fucking girlfriend and drop my hand when someone walks by. You don't even want to be the one to introduce me to your best friend. Y-You pull me into your room when you have to ask me what's wrong because you don't want people to see that you care." I shook my head, hearing it all fall out of my mouth just made it more of a reality.

"And-and I get it okay? I get it that it was my choice. I agreed to this, but how can you-" I bit my lip looking up. "How you lay there and do those things and-" I cried cutting myself off, shaking my head. "It's not fucking fair" I whispered.

Things that I've kept bottled up forever and had never vocalized before were spilling out of my mouth as I cried in front of the boy I loved most, the boy that was killing me.

"Everyday I lay there hoping and wishing that you would-" I closed my eyes trying to breath.

"You hide me like I'm some huge secret and it's killing me" I cried holding my chest. Matt stood silently in front of me with his mouth slightly parted staring at me.

"You drive 25 minutes out of your way to give me your shirt because you thought I was mad that you asked me to give it back." I breathed looking at him, shaking my head.

"Matt, you're fucking killing me" I said barley above a whisper. Silence filled the room around us. I looked down at my feet. My heart beating out of my chest. The silence slicing through me like a knife. This was it. It was all out there.

"Y/n" he breathed. I looked up at him with tear stained cheeks. His eyes full of sorrow as he stared at me.

"I was a virgin" I admitted. His eyes went wider. "What?" He asked suddenly. I licked my lips and looked down at my feet.

"I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to not take me seriously. I-I wanted this. I thought I could do it like this. I thought it would be easier, I didn't realize that-" I stopped taking in a deep breath.

"You were my first everything" I said looking at him. He blinked at me. I realized with his expression that It wasn't fair that I didn't tell him. It wasn't fair to him and It wasn't fair to myself. "What?" His voice broke. I bit my lip and looked to the side and then back at him.

"I'm such-I thought that-" I let out a breath. I looked at him, hurt filling his face. "I thought that one day you would wake up and realize that you wanted more. That you wanted to show me to your friends not h-hide me behind closed doors-" I shook my head as a sob came up my throat, realizing how ridilcious this sounded as it came out of my mouth.

"That you'd wake up and realize that you-" I let out a shaky breath along with a sob.

"Matt, I love you" I admitted, his face dropped. "Y/n-" he breathed stepping forwards. I shook my head stepping back and hitting the wall slightly.

"I can't-" I shook my head. "I can't do this anymore" I said through a sob. "I can't live another day just being the girl who sits and waits for the boy to love her back" I cried before turning and waking out of the room.

"Y/n. Wait. Please don't-" Matt ran after me. The noises of the party came back over me as it felt like everyone's eyes came to me. I looked down hiding my face as I bolted towards the kitchen.

"Y/n?" I heard Chris's voice. I looked up at him, worry filling his face. I turned and saw Matt walking quickly behind me.

"Y/n?" I heard Lucy's voice I looked up at her. Horror filled her face and she looked at Matt approaching us. "Let's go. We're leaving right now" she said grabbing my arm and pulling me away.

I nodded as we walked to the front door, a cry coming out of my mouth. I turned and saw Chris stopping Matt, pushing his chest and Matt argued towards him before I turned around leaving the party.

Matt pov

"Y/n" I breathed, tears filling my eyes as I watched Lucy grab her arm and drag her away. I went to go after her but felt Chris push my chest back. I looked up at him, anger filled his face. I tried to move past him but he stood in front of me.

"Move" I spat harshly trying to move past him again but he pushed me back again. I watched as she walked out of the door and out of my life. I felt my heart drop. I swallowed feeling tears start to run down my face.

"What did you do?" Chris asked angrily at me. I looked over at him. "I didn't-" I breathed looking between him and Nick. "Get out of my way" I said through gritted teeth, pushing him harder. I was't losing her. Under any circumstance. She can't leave like this. What if she gets hurt? What if she does something stupid? What I never saw her again? She can't walk away like this.

I felt Nick's arm pull me back. "Matt stop!" Nick said. I turned around and looked at him. "Let her go" Nick said softly. "Nick I will rip your arm off, let me go now" I spat. He bit his lip as he looked at me. I realized that the party talk had stopped around us and everyone was looking at us.

"I will fight you in front of everyone. I don't care. I can't let her leave" I said glaring at him, my eyes full of tears. He just blinked at me. I ripped my arm away from him and sprinted towards the door. I ripped the door open and ran down the driveway, the tears clouding my vision. I could barely see.

"Please" I mumbled looking around. She was nowhere to be found. "Fuck" My voice broke. I heard footsteps come from behind me as I walked back and forth down the street. No sign of her anywhere.

She left.

I turned kicking the trash can to the ground and fisting my hair with my hand. I looked over to see Chris and Nick looking at me with a worried expression from the driveway. I tore my eyes away from them, looking away as a cry escaped my throat. I covered my face with my hands as the tears came.

I heard footsteps approach me and I felt a hand on my back. I pushed away from them. I looked up.

"A-Are you happy?" I asked looking between them. They both looked at each other. I wiped my nose and looked down. "Are you?" Nick asked looking at me, making me look up at them. "What?" I spat, trying to catch my breath. Nick sighed and looked down.

"We told you-" Chris started. "I'm not talking about this with you" I cut him off pushing past him. "I told you that you were gonna hurt her!" He screamed back at me making me stop. I glared down at the ground. "She didn't deserve that" Chris breathed. I bit my lip before letting out a deep breath. I stopped, sitting down on the grass. They walked over sitting next to me. I shook my head as I leaned down crying between my knees.

"I didn't-" I shook as their arms came around me. "How could I-" I choked. I leaned up attempting to breathe. "I should have-" I stopped as I cried. "She told me she loved me" I whispered, Chris and Nick looked at each other.

"And you didn't already know that?" Nick asked looking down at me. I looked over at him. I closed my eyes and sighed. A part of me knew that. A part of me saw it in the way she looked at me, or the way she spoke to me. The other part of me just didn't want to accept that.

"You fell in love with her too, you're just too fucking prideful to admit it" Chris said making me, bite my lip. "I don't date" I said shaking my head. Chris stood up standing in front of me. "Will you get over yourself?" He yelled down at me. I didn't look up at him.

"Look at you right now! You almost fought Nick in there for stopping you from getting to her and you're gonna sit here and tell me that you don't love her?" He yelled. I glared at my feet. "You talk about her like she's the only thing you think about for god's sake!" He said throwing his hands up.

"You're private about your life with her and I get that, I do, but if you were just using her for a good fuck and that's it- wouldn't you brag about it? Wouldn't you tell you're best friends about what she does behind closed doors?" He asked making me look up at him. I glared at him, tightening my fists.

"Chris" Nick said warningly. Chris scoffed shaking his head. "No" He said crossing his arms. "No, he doesn't." He looked back at me. "What does she do huh?" Chris said raising his eyebrows. I closed my eyes. I can't fight my brother. I can't fight my brother. My mind screamed at me.

"Is she good at giving head?" He asked suddenly my eyes snapped open at him. I let out a breath. "What kind of underwear does she wear? Hm?" He asked looking at me. I felt all the blood rush to my head. He can't talk about her like that. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Or does she even wear any at all?" He said. I stood up pushing him back. "Matt!" Nick stood up. Chris walked back to me, pushing me and then we were in a full on brawl. He punched me in the shoulder and I punched him across the face.

"Matt what the fuck!" Nick yelled between us. Chris wiped his mouth, blood present on his hand. Chris held his hand up to stop Nick from interfering. He spat on the ground before walking back towards me. "You wanna go? Let's go fuck boy" He said motioning for me to come towards him. I walked over to him grabbing him by the shoulders and onto the ground beneath us.

"Get off of each other!" Nick yelled. He pushed himself on top of me, holding me against the ground.

"You talk about how pretty her eyes are" He breathed looking down at me. I struggled beneath him, glaring up at him. He pushed my shoulders harder against the ground. I was breathing heavy up at him. "You talk about what joke's she told" He stated. I stopped struggling.

"You talk about her like you love her" He said letting my shoulders go. I turned my head and tears started to come up to my eyes again. "You just need to get over yourself and admit it" He said climbing off me completely. I let out a breath sitting up.

They both looked down at me. I avoided their eyes and looked away.

"Of course I'm in love with her" I admitted out loud for the first time. Nick smiled down at me and Chris shook his head. "How could someone not be?" I sighed rubbing my face. "I treated her like shit" I said realizing everything I've done to her. They just stood in front of me.

"Fuck" I said hanging my head. "What do I do?" I asked looking up at them, they just looked at each other.

lollll sorry i'm just gonna leave this hear (dont hate me)❤️

[leviscolwill]

ballroom extravaganza

pairing: jude bellingham x f1 driver!reader

summary: you always hated arguing with jude, but even more so when you're about to race monaco's streets (wc: 1,7k)

req: jude bellingham x f1 related f!reader ! (driver if u can or js a driver’s relative) where they argue before a match/race that doesn’t go really well + she crashes/dnf or he gets rlly hurt in a match

contents: jude is jealous, reader drives for mclaren w lando (sorry oscar my beloved </3), possible racing inconstancies (i can't drive to save my life), reader crashes (nothing too bad happens tho), gasly slander sorryyyy, language ??, quite angsty but happy (&fluffy) ending i swear

note: i didn't want to make either jude or reader 'the bad guy™' so i hope i didn't side with one more than the other writing the argument part :| i had so much fun writing it, so i hope you enjoy reading it (lmk by rb and giving feedback !!). finally, thank you for requesting anon,, i hope you like it 🫶

now playing: ballroom extravaganza by dpr ian (moodswings in to order)

"i'm just saying, i don't like the way he looked at you when he said that"

"you're being ridiculous jude, he's my teammate and i've known him for years."

jude had always been the jealous type, and you never had any problem with this, until now. he tried to tell you how lando was flirting with you when that's really just how he communicated. sure, he was kinda flirty at times, but he knew you were in a relationship and never crossed any lines with you. but jealousy seemed to get the best of your boyfriend in that moment.

"that's not the point y/n, i'm a man and i know what he meant when he said he'll take you to this 'perfect seaside italian restaurant if your boyfriend won't'. and you just stood there laughing." his voice was louder now, and you hated it whenever jude screamed, especially when those screams were directed at you.

"you're delusional... he didn't imply anything with that, he was only joking." you tried to reason your boyfriend.

"i still don't like it, i'm not asking you to never talk to him again, just make it clear you're-"

"but he knows that jude! i talk about you all the time, let's be serious for a second, come on." you laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation you were in, 45 minutes before the monaco grand prix fighting with your boyfriend in your driver room, it was probably the last thing you should be doing on a track where your focus was the most important thing.

you were always grateful whenever jude made time to see you racing because you knew how packed his schedule was. but right now, he was the last person you needed to see given the circumstances.

"jude, please just leave, i'm sick of fighting."

"i'm not leaving, we're having this conversation whether you like it or not." he said in a calmer tone, but it was too late, the damage was done.

"well, you're in my room right now and i want you out. i need to focus and you're not exactly helping right now."

"but we need to talk it out, i don't want you to go while we're fighting." you would have sworn his voice broke a bit when he ended his sentence.

"maybe you shouldn't have picked a fight with me then! maybe you shouldn't be here at all actually..." you practically whisper the last part and you immediately regret the words that came out of your mouth, knowing well you didn't mean them.

"okay then..." jude quickly gets up and you can't help but look at your feet, you can almost feel the sad look on his face.

"i love you."

you wanted to say it back but he closed the door with a loud bang before you could mutter any sound.

the only thing jude left behind was the faint smell of his cologne for you to think about what just happened and not focus on your race at all.

deep breaths. deep breaths were what you needed, you tried to shift your focus on your start, how you needed to get away from sainz, given how close he was to you. whenever your mind drifted off to the argument you had with jude, you found another thing to focus on before the race. the formation lap would start in a couple minutes, your focus needed to be on monaco's streets for at least an hour and a half, then you'll handle the rest later with jude, you always did.

the formation lap started and everything went perfectly well, you just had to wait for the red lights to turn off and you'll be gone, no more thinking, or overthinking.

"it's lights out and away we go in the streets of monaco."

perfect start, now you just had to race like you knew how to for 78 laps. nothing you couldn't do.

the first 46 laps went perfectly, you managed to overtake carlos' ferrari and pierre's alpine. everything went well, then you thought about jude, you knew he was probably still mad at you but you still hoped he was watching the race, waiting for you with papaya-coloured headphones. as your thoughts kept going you were about to get to the trickiest part of the circuit, mirabeau.

as your focus shifted back to your race, you forgot the most important thing, the biggest danger on track is the other drivers.

your brain barely had time to register the bright blue alpine trying to overtake you when there was clearly no space. next thing you knew, your head hit the cockpit. before you hit the wall at god knows what speed, you thought about how you didn't tell jude you loved him back, and how you hoped he was still aware of how much he meant to you in that moment.

pitch black, no sound at all, you couldn't feel anything for about thirty seconds because of the shock.

then everything came back. you felt the urge to move your legs around, they moved. perfect. then you felt like your position was unusual, you came to a conclusion on your own, your car was on its side. you didn't even get to think about getting out because you felt a horrible pain in your head, where it was hit you assumed.

and lastly, you saw the medics making sure you were okay, you moved your hand for them to understand the message. you were okay, they helped you out of the car, saying you would be taken to the infirmary.

you couldn't stop smiling, you felt terrible about the race and it was probably the biggest crash you ever experienced but everything was well, your family and friends saw you get out of the car safely, and you'd be able to tell jude you loved him. everything was well.

you had to answer the medics questions that made you feel like a 4-year-old: "what's your name ? do you know which day of the week it is ?" you knew it was for safety reasons but you absolutely hated it.

jude opened the door in pure jude fashion, loudly. you almost stopped waiting for him at that point but he was here finally.

he didn't even talk to you, words weren't needed. he just held you really tight even though you were still on the, very uncomfortable, infirmary bed. you felt his arms that were holding onto you shake as he kissed your hair.

"you have no idea how fucking terrified i was y/n." while jude had been to a fair few races with you, he'd never seen any big crashes, let alone involving you. yes, you could only imagine how scary that must have been for him, feeling powerless over the situation, you knew it all too well. you felt that way when jude was injured and you were absolutely helpless, of course you never wished for your boyfriend to ever feel that way, but here you were.

"i love you." you felt like it was the first thing you should say right now. "so so so much. i'm sorry for not saying it earlier." jude looked at you as tears started to form in your eyes, he quickly wiped them away and kissed away the sudden wave of sadness surging through you.

"and i'm sorry for getting mad at you, i shouldn't even have told you about it before the race, it was-"

jude was cut short when someone knocked and opened the door quickly after. pierre came in with a sorry look on his face, you heard he dnf after he damaged his car. poor thing.

"y/n, are you okay? i'm sorry about-" he started rambling with a french accent.

"i'm fine don't worry, just... can we talk about it later? you can come to our motorhome, they make great coffee there i swear." you tried to joke to lighten up the atmosphere, but it was still as tense as before.

if looks could kill, gasly would have died right here the way your boyfriend eyed him in silence, his gaze following the driver on his way out.

"what a fucking dickhead. how is he driving a whole f1 car? even i would do a better job than him i swear..." your boyfriend's pettiness amused you, even more so knowing that boy couldn't ride a bike without scaring the life out of you.

his features visibly changed and you knew he wanted to talk your argument out, as you were both calmer about the situation. but he didn't get the chance to speak a word before lando opened the door.

"what did that french hooligan do to my favourite teammate? that was a barbarian try at overtaking really." you laughed at your teammate being dramatic, as always.

"i'm fine, i think gasly needs prescription glasses though, i don't know where he saw the space there but i'm okay."

once again, you felt jude's eyes burning holes in lando's skull as he went silent, he quickly took the hint and left.

you couldn't help but burst out laughing at jude when it was just you two in the room.

"you need to stop glaring at people like that."

"i just don't like him." you took his hand as he looked at you, his look much softer than the one he gave pierre and lando.

"i only want you. alright? it doesn't matter how lando views me, whether what you think is true. he will never be you." you told him stroking your thumb on the back of his hand.

"i know that, i was just mad at how he acted with you. i'm sorry about that. i trust you, 100%. i just don't like how comfortable he was making these comments y'know."

"i get that, i'll make my boundaries clear with him, okay? let's not fight over silly things like that anymore."

jude softly grabbed your jaw and kissed you, you could tell you both needed this talk, and this kiss, to clear the air.

you pull out of the kiss first, suddenly feeling the urge to annoy him.

"you know... you look good when you're jealous, i might try that more often..." jude faked a serious face.

"if attention was what you wanted, you just had to ask love." he joked as you playfully hit his arm.

"just no more leaving without saying 'i love you' alright?" he asks before quickly kissing your forehead.

"never again."

[bamsara]

A03 Questions Tag Game

I got tagged by: @kagedbird I tag: @onethirdofimpossible, @coffincrows, (first two that come to mind) and anyone else who wants to do the game

1 – How many works do you have on AO3?

At the time of writing this post, currently 30 fics. (Not including any fics or written works that are not posted to AO3)

2 – What's your total AO3 word count?

1,066,633

3 – What fandoms do you write for?

Formerly: Don't Starve, FNAF, Dragons Dogma, Invader Zim

Currently: Cult of the Lamb

4 – What are your top five fics by kudos?

Solar Lunacy, Celestial Omens, Bytes of Lunacy, The Rehabilitation of Death, Saturday Insomnia

5 – Do you respond to comments?

I try to but I also get very nervous responding because I often don't know what to say back and I feel like it's almost rude or disrespectful to respond to a comment, esp the very nice ones that are long and in-deph with just a keysmash or a bunch of emojis, but I do read every single one since I have email notifications on for them

I'd like to sit down and respond to many but I really don't want to make it awkward so pls dear god readers forgive me

6 – What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't like unhappy endings. I enjoy angsty stories but I like when it's at least ending happy to me

7 – What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Not posted? Solar Lunacy

Ongoing? TROD

8 – Do you get hate on fics?

Not really? Most adults (in my experience) know the 'don't like don't read' rule and know basic online etiquette. I've gotten some for discontinuing a fic or switching fandoms though

9 – Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I don't write or draw NSFW! I like to make some suggestive themes sometimes, but I'm a very ace person, it's not something I do often. (I do have a current running goal that if my friend reaches their donation goal for their medical bills that I would give NSFW a shot, but again its not really my cup of tea)

10 – Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Nah I haven't written any cross overs, but I do draw them sometimes. Recently I've been spinning a Alice in Wonderland x COTL crossover in my head.

11 – Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yep. I've had people copy and paste my work, go in with a thesaurus to change a few words (like changing 'angry' to mad, 'upset' to 'sad', and so forth) to try and avoid detection and re-posted my written work under a different title name. AO3 staff took them down for violating their policy against plagiarism though

12 – Have you ever had a fic translated?

No. I wouldn't mind it so as long as I'm asked before hand, though not on anon so I can actually work with the person to prevent any mistranslations or mishandling, and that I don't want my work posted to other websites

13 – Have you ever co-written a fic?

I think I did when I was a teen but I cannot remember now

14 – What's your all-time favorite ship?

Eh I don't have any favorites, just ones I really focus on for a long while

15 – What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Pass.

16 – What are your writing strengths?

I can sit down for hours or several days and work on a writing wip completely in the zone. I cant do it on command but its at least something I can do

17 – What are your writing weaknesses?

Spelling and grammar, and sometimes long running sentences. I just kinda write, theres not really a goal for it to be perfect though so as long as the story gist and vibe is right, im fine with it

18 – Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've done it before but only minor, had a friend help me with it (one or two lines of dialogue) Aside from that, I'm not comfortably fluent enough in anything to do it again without assistance

19 – First fandom you wrote for?

Soul Eater, when I was wayyy too young to be posting anything on the internet. My fanfics I wrote are still on fanfic.net to this day

20 – Favorite fic you've written?

It's inbetween TROD and EE&E right now

[midastouch013]

Prank Back

Summary: Natasha plans to take revenge on your hickey prank with a break up prank, but what happens when the tables are turned?

Warnings: Mentions of break ups, sad Nat for a brief time. Y/n is a prank master, as usual

Can be read as a sequel to Hickey Prank Backfire, or as a stand alone too

---------------

Natasha Romanoff sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were narrowed, and her lips formed a smirk . The hickey prank that you had pulled on her a few days ago had left her determined to get her revenge. Natasha was known for being a master of espionage and a skilled prankster, so she couldn't let this go unanswered.The apartment was cloaked in an unusual tension as you stepped through the door, Natasha Romanoff perched on the couch, her demeanor unusually solemn. A frown etched your features as you approached her, the worry evident in your voice.

"Nat, what's wrong?" you asked, your tone laced with concern. "Did something happen on the mission?"

Natasha sighed heavily, her gaze fixed on some invisible point in the distance. "We need to talk," she said, her voice low and serious.

Your heart skipped a beat at her tone, and you took a seat beside her, worried about what she wanted to say "Talk about what?"

She hesitated, her expression betraying the turmoil within. "Y/N, I think we should break up," she finally said, her voice steady but carrying an underlying sadness.

Your heart sank at her words, confusion clouding your thoughts. Break up? This was the last thing you expected, and you struggled to process the sudden turn of events. "Break up? Why?"

Natasha's eyes softened, filled with a mixture of sorrow and determination. "I just don't think we're on the same page anymore. It's better if we go our separate ways."

A knot formed in your stomach, the shock of her words threatening to overwhelm you. Natasha, the one person you never imagined being without, was talking about ending things between you. But even in the midst of your confusion, a flicker of suspicion crossed your mind.  She was pranking you, to get back for the hickey one you pulled on her.

Playing along, you tried put on what looked like a forced smile. "Is there someone else, Nat?" you asked, your voice trembling with uncertainty.

She shook her head, her eyes filled with sadness. "No, it's not about someone else. It's about us and where we're headed."

Feigning acceptance, you nodded slowly. "I understand," you said, your voice barely audible. "I've been feeling the same way too."

A look of panic flashed across Natasha's face, her carefully constructed plan beginning to unravel. "You have?"

You nodded again, internally smirking. "Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to say anything, but I've been thinking about it too."

The panic in Natasha's eyes grew more pronounced, her mind racing to find a way to salvage the situation. "Y/N, I… I didn't expect you to take it like this."

You shrugged, masking your internal laughter with a facade of calm. "It's probably for the best," you said, forcing the words out. "We'll both be better off apart."

As you stood up, pretending to gather your things, Natasha's desperation reached a higher level. "Y/N, wait! Maybe we can talk about this…"

But before she could say anything more, your phone rang, breaking the tense silence. With a glance at the caller ID, you saw that it was Kate Bishop. An idea sparked in your mind, and you answered the call.

"Hey, Kate," you said, your voice laced with tension.

Kate's cheerful voice came through the line. "Hey, Y/N! We're going out for drinks with Yelena and Wanda. You in?"

Playing along with the reverse prank, you used a code word to signal Kate about your fictional exit strategy. "Sounds good, Kate. Count me in. By the way, can I crash at your 'jelly' place for a few days?"

Kate chuckled on the other end. "Sure thing, Y/N. I've got plenty of room."

As you ended the call, you turned back to Natasha, who was watching you with a mix of confusion and panic. " I'm going out for drinks with Kate, Yelena, and Wanda," you announced, enjoying the bewildered expression on Natasha's face. " I'll be back tomorrow to get my stuff"

Natasha's eyes widened in disbelief, her mind struggling to process the sudden turn of events. "Drinks? Y/N, you can't be serious."

You nodded solemnly, "Yeah, Nat. I need some time away to clear my head. Oh, and I'll be crashing at Kate's, so you don't have to worry about me bugging you till  I get my own place"

The color drained from Natasha's face as she stammered, "Crash at Kate's? You're really leaving?"

With a dramatic flourish, you headed for the door, relishing in the chaos you had created. "Well, maybe it's for the best. You wanted to break up and there's no way we can stay in the same place, and Kate's a good friend. I'm sure she won't mind."

As you stepped into the hallway, leaving Natasha in a state of confusion, you couldn't shake the twinge of guilt that tugged at your conscience, because of last time. However, you knew the prank was all in good fun, and you couldn't resist the opportunity to turn the tables on Natasha in the most unexpected way.

So, rather than heading out for drinks with Kate, Yelena, and Wanda, you decided to make a detour. A quick stop at the local convenience store allowed you to pick up Natasha's favorite ice cream, knowing that a sweet treat might help soothe the aftermath of the elaborate prank.

A few minutes later, you returned to the apartment, holding a pint of Natasha's beloved ice cream. The once-confused expression on Natasha's face had transformed into something more profound—an amalgamation of surprise, relief, and a hint of vulnerability.

"Change of plans," you announced with a warm smile, though concern flickered in your eyes. "I thought we could use some ice cream instead of drinks."

Natasha looked at you, her features betraying a mixture of emotions. "Ice cream? What happened to going out with Kate and the others?"

You handed her the pint, but this time, the playful banter was replaced by a sense of understanding. "I knew you were pulling a prank, Nat. So, I decided to play along and spice things up a bit."

A shadow passed over Natasha's eyes, a momentary vulnerability surfacing. "You knew? From the beginning?"

You nodded, the mischievous glint in your eyes replaced with a genuine concern. "Yeah, I had a feeling. But I wanted to make sure this prank didn't take a toll on you."

The weight of the situation became apparent as Natasha accepted the ice cream, her usual composure momentarily shaken. As you settled onto the couch together, the air was thick with unspoken emotions. Natasha, typically unflappable, now looked like she was on the verge of a breakdown.

Concern etched your features as you reached out to her. "Nat, are you okay?"

She hesitated, a vulnerability in her eyes that you rarely saw. "I… I didn't expect it to go this far. I thought it was just a prank, but… it felt real."

Gently, you squeezed her hand, offering reassurance. "It's okay, Nat. Pranks are meant to be fun, not distressing. Next time, I'll stick to dying your hair as a prank, and you're welcome to dye mine"

Natasha's expression softened "Well, aren't you the hero I never knew I needed? Saving me from the perils of my own pranks."

You couldn't resist adding a touch of humor to lighten the mood. "I aim to be the prank rescue squad. It's a niche market, but someone's gotta do it."

She shot you a sardonic smirk. "Oh, lucky me. I've got the best sidekick in the business."

You chuckled, nudging her gently. "Sidekick? Please, I prefer the term 'prank aficionado.'"

She raised an eyebrow, deadpan. "Aficionado? Fancy. I'll make sure to put that on your superhero business card."

"Absolutely. Don't forget to add 'Master of Deception' and 'Ice Cream Enthusiast,'" you quipped.

Natasha pretended to ponder this for a moment. "Well, at least you're setting realistic expectations. I appreciate that."

"Oh, always keeping it real," you replied, a grin playing on your face.

She shook her head, a smirk tugging at her lips. "You know, most people have normal relationships. But not us. No, we're out here mastering the art of pranks."

"Well, normal is overrated. Besides, where's the fun in predictability?" you teased.

Without a word,  you leaned in towards her lips, the smirk turning into a smile as you shared a sweet kiss.

She was still definitely pranking you again, but for now,

Natasha: 0 ; Y/n: 2

--

[moonydustx]

The Night of Confessions.

masterlist | requests

Summary: After finding the ship's crew member who was invading the kitchen at night, Sanji and the reader become friends. What can please a cook to thank for the good friendship?

Warnings: lots of flashbacks (all in italic), takes place a few weeks after part 1. reader with some insecure thoughts. a hint of a sad reader, fluff in general. sorry for possible errors, story not proofread.

WC: 3.3k

Pairing: Sanji x F!Reader (more thought of as OPLA!Sanji, but I've been loving the anime, so feel free with your choice).

A/N: A total of zero people asked and I still did it! In fact, I had thought of 3 parts for the story (the last one would be a smut that I'm still really thinking about, since I have an idea for the same theme for Zoro). That's it, I hope you like it and who knows, maybe I'll come back with more of this soon.

Read part 1 here

Before you even opened your eyes, your hands involuntarily searched for something on the other side of the bed, unfortunately finding only the unoccupied sheet.

"Good morning, Miss." Sanji's voice reached your ears before you could even open your eyes. "

Good morning. Wait, is it daytime?"

"Yes. I believe someone managed to sleep well tonight, no nightmares." he turned towards you. Even though you were drowsy, you leaned on one of your elbows, getting closer to him.

"Yeah, I believe so." You didn't know where your eyes would go, to the disheveled blonde locks, to the almost shy smile or the clear eyes that stared at you.

You could see his eyes looking at you too, but neither of you took the right action. At least the attitude you expected. Sanji could feel your breath on his face, your eyes shone when you looked into his, enough for him to come to his senses and move away.

"I-I..." he stood up, adjusting his shirt. "My dear, I will prepare breakfast and as soon as it is ready, I will call you." he headed towards the door.

"Sanji?"

"Yes mon amour."

"Thanks."

You were unused to sleeping alone, at least compared to before. Not that you would accept any company in your room.

It was just a few nights that he spent in your company. With each one, you discovered a new thing in common.

It was difficult to understand what you felt, it was strange. It was as if all the breezes coming from the sea surrounded your stomach, or even as if it didn't matter that they were still far from the Grand Line. It was okay to take longer to achieve your goals, as long as you stayed with your crew, everything was okay. What you didn't expect was the distance.

Damn, damn distance. Little by little you noticed him moving away from you. He wouldn't leave you alone, ever, but something was slowly cooling down and that was much more intriguing than anything else the other seas could bring to you.

Even though you weren't ready to face the day, you stood up and walked to the kitchen, finding the person responsible for so many doubts in your mind. How could a damned cook leave you lost like that? Had you asked too much of his help? Or had he simply gotten tired of being your friend? What was that strange feeling again? Damn, this wasn't the time to think about that.

"Good morning Ji." Your voice caught his attention, and he smiled in your direction.

"Good morning darling. I hope you slept well." you sat in front of him, watching him cut some fruit. An idea, perhaps not the smartest, crossed your mind.

"Too much. And you?"

"Good." He remained silent for a few seconds, focused on something that looked like just a simple apple.

"Finally fell out of bed." Zoro walked past you, sitting next to you and grabbing some breakfast.

"Look who's talking, you're a walking mummy. You're constantly bandaged up and sleep everywhere." you retorted, laughing at his face.

"Let's see if you say that later." Zoro's words immediately reached Sanji, who no longer insisted on pretending not to be listening to the conversation.

"Let's see who lasts longer, cucumber head. Don't forget my order." you lightly elbowed the swordsman, who just grunted. "You promised!"

"Why don't you take it yourself? I was thinking about spending some time on other things."

"I don't think I'm going to disembark today. I'm not feeling very well." As soon as the words left your lips, Sanji's attention became all yours.

"Is there anything I can help with, ma'am?"

"No, no Sanji. Women's problems."

"One more reason for me to win today!" Zoro returned the elbow, this time making you groan. Before Sanji could curse him for the measly push, he had already left you alone.

"Maybe I can make some tea, get something ready. All you have to do is tell me, darling."

"Don't worry about it. I'll rest a little longer." You left, leaving him alone, watching you and questioning why you refused help.

You just couldn't say it was part of your plan. As they were already used to, whenever they anchored in a town or city, they would spend a day exploring the nearest areas and return to the boat at dusk - if they weren't lost in a bar - to decide whether to stay longer in the place.

You waited until you were sure everyone had left the boat to put your plan into action. Would it be a good idea to cook to please a chef? Maybe not, but it would be worth a try. At least, you already understood a little of the recipe you needed to make.

"You won't eat cold lunch food again." once again, you were scared by Sanji's presence in the kitchen. He soon stood next to you, taking the plate. "What do you want?"

"To cook!"

"Now I'm surprised. The night's sneaking out for a snack really inspired you. What are we going to do then?"

"How about some pasta?" you suggested, already eager for the answer. "I know this isn't the best time to eat this, but..."

"If it's pasta my girl wants, we'll make pasta. What will we need?" He left it up to you to respond, laughing loudly when he noticed your confusion. "You really don't do well in the kitchen, do you? I'm glad I'm here."

Flour, eggs, salt. Okay, the first ingredients were easy. Maybe it was too early to start the recipe, but you didn't want to run the risk of him arriving early and catching you in the kitchen.

It took hours for you to get the right doneness, but the pasta strands looked perfect, now all that was left to do was cook it and add it to the sauce, which you had a vague idea of ​​what to do.

"How much longer do we have to wait?" you indicated to the pan full of water.

"Until it boils." Sanji warned, adding generous spoonfuls of salt to the water.

"Wouldn't it be too salty?"

"No, honey. When we make this kind of pasta, the water needs to be hot as hell and salty as the sea." he took a spoon and poured in some of the liquid, blowing gently as the smoke dissipated. "Try it."

His laughter upon seeing your disapproving face filled the entire ship and certainly must have disturbed the other crew members who were sleeping there.

"Hot as hell, salty as the sea. Got it."

"I knew someone sweet like you would hate this, but in the end, the recipe will be delicious. Someday, I'll make the seafood version, you'll love it, it's my favorite."

Tomatoes, shrimps and tuna. It was enough to make the sauce. You didn't want to invent much more than you knew how to do and even so, you were already feeling afraid of what might come out of it.

The day was already ending when you finished making the dish. Pasta with seafood sauce. Probably a much simpler version of what the crew cook would make. You arranged some cutlery on the table, prepared a juice with tangerines and tried to get as many things ready as possible.

"What are you doing?" the scream that came out of your throat was almost involuntary when you heard Nami.

"What, are you guys back already?"

"Just me for now." she explained, coming around the table. "Who did all this?"

"Not the official cook."

"Weren't you feeling bad?" She laughed when she saw you disconcerted. "I knew it was a lie. You asked me for help with that two weeks ago, remember?"

"Okay, maybe I was just trying to get the boys off my back."

"What I don't understand is that we already have a cook..." she put her hand on her chin, analyzing you "Do you want to take his place..."

"Never! I love Sanji's cooking!" you responded almost immediately, leaving her euphoric with the conclusion.

"I knew it! You want to impress him. You like him! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, more money for me."

"What do you mean Nami?"

"You didn't deny it, so I'm right." trying to leave the topic of money aside, she turned you around, pushing you towards your room. "And for that, you'd better take off your soaked clothes. Get ready, I'll cover you if any of them show up."

Before you could question anything, Nami was already leading you into the room. And she was almost right, in every proposition. Firstly, you didn't just want to impress Sanji, you wanted to thank him for the time he spent being a great friend and maybe make it up to him for you upsetting him so much the last few weeks. And second, you didn't just need to change, you would need a shower to remove all the shrimp smell from your body.

With a speed you didn't yet know, you managed to do everything. Take a shower, fix your hair and choose your favorite outfit. You were ready, which made you even more nervous.

As soon as you left your room, you could see Nami breathe a sigh of relief, at the same time as the other crew members rushed into the kitchen.

"Finally. I thought I was going to need to yank you away from the door." Zoro was the first to enter, soon followed by Luffy and Usopp.

"What's that smell? Sanji, did you leave a feast ready for us?" Luffy already went straight to the table, earning a slap from Nami. "I'm hungry."

"With that smell, it's impossible not to be." Usopp added, getting slapped as well.

"Everyone eat together." she warned.

"What does it smell like..." Sanji was the last to enter, finding the table set. "What is that?"

"Well, um." you took the lead, feeling your legs tremble. Your eyes were lost in Sanji's "You've been... I mean, you've all been great friends. I wanted to prepare some delicious food for us."

"But Sanji already does that." Luffy spoke and you knew it was in the best interests, which made you laugh when you saw Nami's face at him.

"I know, I just wanted to maybe surprise you with something different."

"Then let's fill our bellies, because later I intend to fill myself with drink." Zoro settled down, picking up one of the plates. "And if it turns out good, your drink is on me today."

"Oh, of course." you replied and despite smiling, you were focused on something else.

Sanji was still standing at the door, observing the table and almost without meaning to, his gaze crossed yours. You could see them glow from afar and at the same time, you could feel your stomach churn with anticipation to know if he had liked the little surprise.

Everyone sat down to dinner and from what you heard, you were satisfied with the food and eager to tell you everything you had seen in the village. Except Sanji. He seemed intent on eating from his plate, savoring every bite.

"It was incredible!" Luffy said, finishing turning the plate into his mouth "It's good to know that we have someone who knows how to cook besides Sanji."

"Best food I've ever tasted." Zoro said and it didn't take much for you to know that he was just saying that to provoke the other cook.

"You never said that about my dishes!" Sanji's grumble made everyone at the table laugh, including you, partly because of the comment, but mainly because he had finally said something.

"You've never done anything good like this. I think now you can go back to being a waiter."

"Both foods are amazing, maybe you'll work well together." the malicious tone didn't go unnoticed in Usopp's words, making your face burn with embarrassment.

Before you could find words to respond, Nami noticed your little desperation and stood up.

"Belly full, time for Zoro to buy our drinks."

"It wasn't you I promised. Let me go, woman!" he grunted as Nami pulled him to his feet.

"We go ahead and they find us later." she suggested, hoping everyone would understand who should remain on the boat.

"But I'm still hungry." Luffy complained and one look from Nami was enough for him to stand up. "Okay, I'll go with you, but I better have some snacks."

"I'll stay here, help our cook organize things and we'll meet you there." Sanji spoke, causing Usopp to also get up and follow the three others.

As they left, you took the opportunity to start taking the dishes off the table and as soon as they were alone, you saw Sanji leave the kitchen. The anxiety that maybe you had been too clingy gnawed at you.

"Have you seen Sanji?" you asked Nami, who seemed distracted doodling something.

"Nah, he's probably stuck in the kitchen, inventing something."

You hurried along, playing cards dancing between your fingers until you found Luffy attacking the fridge. "

Ah, hi! I was just checking to make sure everything was ok here." He spoke with a mouth full of meat, making you laugh.

"Have you seen Sanji?" "It must be in his room. If you can, please don't tell him what you just saw." he smiled, amidst the pile of food.

"Leave it captain."

You went to his room, gaining the courage to knock on the door three times and hear a "Come in" from inside.

"Excuse me." you hung your body inside the room. "Everything is fine?"

"Of course, miss. Is there anything you need?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to play cards with me. I almost didn't see you today." you proposed excitedly, a feeling that didn't last long.

"I'm sorry, I think I'd rather be alone for a bit."

After that, the late-night cooking trips stopped, and he seemed to flirt less with you, which gave you less space to respond. Maybe you were a very clingy friend, and maybe Sanji didn't like that.

The water ran while you stood still, immersed in your thoughts. What you didn't expect was to feel two arms around your body, turning off the tap and pulling your arms away from the sink.

"Leave it, mon cher." He turned to you and with some gentleness, took off the apron you had just put on. "You already made dinner, I'll take care of it later."

"Did you like it?" The words left your lips involuntarily, leaving you disconcerted under his gaze.

"Pasta with seafood sauce?" he waved with a smile, as he picked up two glasses.

You leaned against the counter opposite Sanji's and only then did you notice the bottle of wine next to you. Now his little disappearance made sense.

"The best dinner I've had in a long time." he placed the glasses next to you.

The two of them were alone there, just the two of them in the entire huge ship. Why was he so close to your body? Only a few centimeters separated them as he filled both glasses.

"Serious?" Sanji could melt right there when he saw the light in your eyes when he heard the praise. And he didn't make a point of hiding his smile because of it. "I mean, I just followed your recipe from that day."

"You said..." his smile faded, taking on a more serious tone as he took a sip of his drink. You, a nervous chaos, had almost completely turned the glass over. "You said you did all this, that it was because we were good friends..."

"Let me explain." you interrupted him, touching your hand to his chest involuntarily. Again, your brain seemed not to follow your feelings. "I know I didn't explain it well at the time, but you've been a great friend. Helping me with my sleepless nights, teaching me new things. I mean, I know I'm a little clingy and I understand you wanting some space . But today I just wanted to do this to thank you for everything you've done for me these days. You've been an incredible friend."

Before answering, he immediately put his glass aside. The hand that held the drink soon found your chin, gently lifting it so he could look you in the eyes. His hands gently cupped your face, in an affable gesture.

"I don't want to be just that. I don't want space either." he laughed, as if it were a joke that only he understood.

Your eyes were lost on Sanji's face. It was as if something pulled you and left you immersed in it, almost hypnotized.

"I don't want to see you awake at night scared, I don't want to have to leave you here alone on the ship when you're not well. I-I don't want to see you making appointments with that idiot swordsman. I-I..." all the his euphoria seemed to fade, the end coming out as just a whisper. "I don't just want to be your friend."

No warning, no permissions or no questions. Almost immediately his lips found yours softly. A long peck, testing the waters ahead. Your hands, previously hanging, found the face of your favorite cook, giving him the little courage he still lacked.

You could feel his kiss invading your mouth and heavens, that was what you expected. His hands dropped from your face and ran down the side of your body, until they reached your waist. The small cry of fright was muffled by Sanji's lips as he grabbed you by the waist and placed you on the counter, fitting himself between your legs.

You could sink there, you could let the air escape from your body and you would still die happy, but soon you felt it invade your lungs in a quick sigh, as Sanji's lips descended towards your neck, proving a path of goosebumps.

"Sanji." the damn heaven was there, hearing your voice calling him like that. Not even All Blue itself would be better than that. "Ji, wait."

His lips moved away from yours, but he didn't make a point of taking you off the bench, or taking his hands away from your body or at least disguising the fact that he couldn't stop looking at your lips, or your eyes, or any part your.

"So, you're not tired of me?"

"I just needed to get my head straight." he replied, his fingers exchanging some misunderstood pattern on your hips. "All I could think about was you and I was afraid that maybe it would go too far. That's why I took distance."

Instead of responding with words, you just sealed your lips with his, who seemed unable to contain a smile with such action.

"Even though I like it here, I think we should go. They're probably waiting for us." you warned, but Sanji just pressed your body tighter against his.

"We have drinks here and from what I remember missus, the herbal tea worked that day, so you owe me a drink."

"You have no proof." you teased him, already anticipating the comment he would make.

"If you don't remember, I slept next to you that night." he replied, as you predicted. "If you prefer me to remind you, I can sleep today, and tomorrow, and then..." with each word, he stole another kiss from your lips.

"But, I believe we should stay here, from what I remember, you weren't feeling very well today."

"Haven't you realized yet that it was a lie to stay alone on the ship? It seems easy, but that dough gave me a hard time, it took me all day to make it and..." you saw him threaten to open his lips for a laugh or some comment sarcastic about his culinary skills. "One word about this and I will now accept the drink Zoro was going to buy me."

"Lucky for you, your boyfriend is a great cook and you'll never have to worry about that."

"Boyfriend, hm?"

"For now. I don't plan on letting you go anytime soon." your lips were captured again and you finally understood that damn feeling. The sea breeze inside your stomach, the tremor in your hands and the heat in your body.

"Better not let go, cook."

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for using what my mother taught me against her and leaving dinner?? 🍲🍴

Okay so, this might be a bit long.

I (22X) have a strained relationship with my mother (49F). We were very close when I was growing up, and while she has always been harsh and strict, she's also very loving. The problems started when I came out as queer at 16. She's very christian, and was not happy at all. I knew she'd react that way, since both her and my father have been blatantly homophobic my whole life, but I thought with some time we'd be able to move past it. However, this hasn't really happened. While my father is more accepting, neither of them is really onboard, and my mother has taken to making passive-agressive comments and overall just being homophobic towards me. I've moved away for college and while we still talk semi-regularly, I haven't been home for some time now.

Now, here's where the story starts. I have a girlfriend (24F, let's call her Ashley) and we've been dating for the past 2 years, and my parents haven't met her or expressed any desire to meet her. Last week, however, I received a call from my father telling me my brother (19M) was bringing his gf (19F, she's awesome) for dinner so my parents could meet her and said he wanted me and Ashley to be there as well. I asked if my mother knew about it and he assured me she was onboard (I even talked to her and she said there was no problem), and after discussing it with Ashley, we decided to attend.

We drove 3 full hours on the day to make it to dinner. As soon as we arrived my mother introduced us to my brother's gf as roomates, which I corrected. I watched her make conversation with this girl, but whenever Ashley wanted to say something, she'd be interrupted or ignored. Both my brother and his gf noticed this and they tried to help out, but it was really annoying me. While I am used to this sort of behavior towards me, I couldn't stand watching my beautiful girlfriend be treated like that. Before dinner I asked Ashley what she wanted to do about it and she told me to just ignore my mother and have a nice time.

And then dinner started. Ashley is a vegetarian, and I told my mother multiple times to let me know if she could accommodate or if we should bring something for her. My mother insisted she'd have something for Ashley to eat, but when the time came, she just said she had forgotten. She also conveniently added little pieces of bacon to the salad. Ashley very graciously said there was no issue and started eating only some potatoes and rice. The night went on with my mother making increasingly evident snide comments and me getting increasingly angry about it. The final straw was when she made an extremely homophobic remark towards Ashley. All of the table went silent, with my brother and father immediately reproaching her, but I had enough, stood up from the table, thanked them for dinner and informed them we'd be leaving.

I was livid. I don't care about comments made towards me, I have thick skin, but messing with my gf crossed the line. As we're headed for the door my mom starts saying she's sorry, and that it was just a joke and to please come back and sit down. I simply looked at her and told her if there was one thing I ever admired her for is the way she stood up for my dad. It didn't matter if she was hating him or loving him, if anybody dared to disrespect him, she'd bite, and she was crazy if she thought I was going to stay seated when she had made the both of us feel unwelcome, and when she had so blatantly disrespected Ashley, who had been nothing but kind all evening. I told her unless she wanted to make things right with the both of us, I had no interest in talking to her ever again. She stood there dumbfounded and we took our leave.

I have been feeling awful. I know what she's like, but some part of me thought this was the beginning of us becoming close again, and I was very sad and disappointed about the disastrous evening. My father called me the day after and said that while he agrees my mother's comment was out of line, making a scene wasn't that necessary, and that because of what I said to her she has been crying nonstop. He said me using the way they raised me against her was out of pocket, and he thought we should both apologize to each other. I talked to my brother and he thinks she had it coming and says he's only sorry he didn't stand up and leave too.

I'm unsure what to do. While I do stand with the fact she had no right to treat Ashley the way she did, I also understand it isn't terribly easy for her to be accepting of me, and I wonder if maybe I was too harsh. She's still my mom, you know? I might not like her right now, but I do love her, and I wonder if I took it too far due to the heat of the moment.

So, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[weebsinstash]

Ya know, I've made posts about the yandere Batfamily before, and I've been thinking lately about one person in particular, and I think I've decided that Alfred is probably the most dangerous and formidable person in that entire house and have been brainstorming what a formidable platonic yandere guardian sorta figure he would be

For one, he's the man that canonically kept THE Batman from going over the edge, basically THE sole reason Bruce Wayne grew into the man he is. Literally, in alternate universes where Bruce never had Alfred, he literally 9 times out of 10 becomes a murdering sociopath. Alfred doesn't just have intelligence, he has EMOTIONAL intelligence

We're talking about the tenured elderly man who is former MI6 and doesn't give a fuck about murder, has killed, and will kill again. Bruce finds someone attacking you, he'll beat them up and cart them off to jail to be arrested and rehabilitated. Alfred will pull a pistol on a robber and shoot him dead before he allows you to get even a single scratch on you, just puts the guy down, "oh dear, I suppose I'll be late making dinner tonight, it seems I'll have to give testimony to Mr Gordon again"

I've seen fics where the sidekicks kidnap Reader or disable them for Bruce's sake, but don't you think Bruce himself would cross that line for Alfred? This man cooks, cleans, does everything for him, is practically a second father and his greatest friend, really kind of RAISED HIM. I just picture Alfred getting attached to Reader like you're practically his grandchild and then you return to your normal life, move out after staying them for a period of time or whatever, and Bruce can tell Alfred is... out of sorts, a little sad frown on his old withered face as he absent-mindedly sweeps the same corner of the same room for an hour, sighing, thinking about how he wanted to teach you all sorts of things, but, you're just gone now. Siiiiiiiiigh. And Bruce can't stand seeing Alfred like, actually depressed, even making mistakes he doesn't usually make, dropping things, lacking his usual playful sarcastic wit, just kind of a shell of his former self. You don't think you'd be getting an extra super special Uber ride in the Batmobile from the Dark Knight himself after that?

But I also think Alfred would be capable of really putting his foot down. He once told a disrespectful Damian he should be thankful Alfred wasn't his father in a very "because I'd actually discipline you" coded sort of way, and, say Reader grew up without a dad, or any parents and maybe has some traumas and potential behavioral issues from that. I could see Alfred being the kindest, sweetest, most patient grandpa, teaching you how to bake, keeping you company in the library, teaching you all kinds of things, and then the second you do things like start getting drunk, acting out, THROWING things, then he's putting his foot down, "now you listen HERE! Your behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you will not be allowed to degrade yourself within the walls of this home!" and manages to simultaneously scold you without putting you down, leaving you in ashamed embarrassed tears over your behavior that you're standing there crying, and he pulls you to take a seat in a nice chair and starts combing your hair and telling you he just wants best for you while you're bawling for his forgiveness, and he tells you he's already forgiven you and that he can run you a nice bath before bed

I can see a captive Reader scenario where you manage to break out of the house while everyone else is gone and you think, oh, you're home free! Batman and everyone else is busy! Lost in your own hubris as if Alfred doesn't have perfect knowledge of everything in the Batcave including the equipment and vehicles. You're in an alley cornered by a bunch of drunks who just want to beat the shit out of someone and suddenly, is that Batman? Wait, the costume is different, and the height, and, the body shape, and, and, and it doesn't even matter because Alfred can still lay all of them flat, blood on his knuckles as he wearily regards you, "you're not going to make a tired old man have to carry you to the car, are you?" and after what you just saw, you know better than to put up resistance

But like I can't get over the idea of, Reader staying at the Wayne residence for a limited period of time, you're injured and Bruce is offering you safe harbor, you're being targeted by a specific criminal group and need protection until the thugs are caught, something along those lines, and, one day, when everything is better, you just. Leave unexpectedly. They had already offered you a permanant place in the house but you still seem to be falling into a depression until one day you're straight up gone, only leaving a note that Alfred is the one to find, only 3 word, "Thank you. Sorry." and hr suddenly??? Can't think straight??? You're gone??? Why??? Why didn't you tell them?? Are you hurt?? Did they do something wrong??? How is he supposed to know if you're sad or if you're hungry or if you're in DANGER if he doesn't know where you are and what you're doing at all possible hours?

Just visualizing the idea of Bruce coming home one day and you're suddenly in the house again and you're seeming very much distressed but Alfred is looking fit as a fiddle again and it is very extremely incredibly obvious to Bruce that Alfred straight up brought you back against your will. But. He doesn't care because he agrees with Alfred that OBVIOUSLY since you're a member of the FAMILY NOW that OF COURSE you have to stay in the house

Can you imagine yandere Alfred but Bruce and everyone else is just, totally normal and just hardcore mega coping with Alfred's sudden change in behavior and occasional questionable actions. One day Alfred is dusting and without turning around, "Master Bruce, would you care to fetch my granddaughter for me while i finish this room?" and Bruce is just like "granddaughter????" And Alfred looks to him like he just said something BEYOND stupid, "Yes, my granddaughter, about ye high, awfully broody much like yourself, currently housed in the spare second floor bedroom at the end of the hall on the right? You act as if she didnt help bake that casserole you and the boys absolutely devoured last night"

Nightwing going down into the Batcave for like actual mission stuff and Alfred is already using the Batcomputer to monitor all your online internet use. What's that, some young man is trying to slide into your DMs? O-oh no, there was, uh, suddenly a glitch and he received a threatening message with no traceable source that told him to stay the bloody hell away from you! Whoops!

You're just his captive little grandchild who he helps teach recipes to and teaching you anything you're curious about. You make an offhanded comment one day that you would've loved to learn to play piano "but I'm too old now/it's too late now/I probably wouldn't be any good at it" and later on, after Alfred has brought you back after trying to live alone again (you being drugged if need be), and when you wake up he's all smiles, telling you about all the new structure he's about to introduce to your life, and, of course, you have to pick a day of the week for your new (now mandatory) piano lessons :) on Mondays you'll go for walks and have tea in the garden, Tuesdays you'll read in the library, on Wednesdays you'll learn piano, on Thursday he'll teach you a new recipe every week, Friday--- this old man is gonna force you to be productive and happy is all I'm gonna say

[throneofsapphics]

the ebb and flow of fate epilogue 

(part one) (part two) (part three) (part four) (part five)

Cazriel x f!Reader

Summary: “Pure silence filled the room, and Feyre shifted on her feet, wondering if maybe she’d crossed a line.”

Warnings: illness, mentions of violence, death, & blood

A/N: I’m sad this is over, but I've really enjoyed writing it. thank you all so much for your love on this little series <3

She took a deep breath,  steeling herself for this conversation. “When I die-“

“We don’t know -“ Cassian interrupted.

“Please,” she cut him off. “Just .. I need to say this.” 

His mouth tightened, but he nodded.

“Don’t give up. This world still needs both of you,” she swallowed harshly. The tears had already come. 

“And it doesn’t need you?” Azriel said, voice breaking half way through. 

“The world doesn’t get a choice, with me.” 

Cassian ran one hand through his hair, gripping hard enough she thought he might tear it out. “I can’t lose you. Not like this.” 

She snorted. Azriel’s eyes narrowed, he didn’t find this amusing, not one bit, but he knew laughter and humor was one of her coping mechanisms. 

“Do you think I want to die?”

“I didn’t say -” She held her hand up, and Cassian’s mouth slammed shut. Her mouth quirked up at the corner, well trained. Azriel rolled his eyes. She did hold both of their leashes, but he wouldn’t tell her that. 

“It’s happening. I refuse to insult myself or the healers pretending otherwise,” she reached out her hands, palms up, and they each took one without hesitation. “If you want to be angry, do it when I'm dead or not looking. I’m the sick one, you have to listen to me.” 

Cassian looked like he was about to disagree, thought better of it, and pulled her into his chest. “We’ll see who’s listening to who tonight,” he muttered, pressing a kiss to the top of her hair. 

-

Pure destruction stood in front of him. A killing field. Some parts scorched, raw power incinerating everything in its path, others still coated with blood and mismatched body parts. There would be no identifying who had fallen. 

Rhys would never be glad his cousin died, not in millenia, but he’s glad she didn’t have to see the war waged. She’d died weeks before it broke out, and triggered a deadly rage in both Cassian and Azriel. One the world might never see again. 

-

They never missed starfall. 

“You’ll still get to see me once a year.” She waved her hand towards the sky, about to say the most ridiculous love-sick words he’d ever heard, “I’ll be waiting for you, my spirit still traveling between worlds. We’ll find each other in whatever comes after, in the next life, maybe even shoot through time and space together.” 

Cassian’s mouth quirked up at one corner, before he picked her up and spun her in circles until she flicked his wing. 

Cassian braced his forearms on the railing, eyes fixed on the sky. “Which one do you think is her?” He didn’t need to look to know Az was right beside him. They asked this question every year, and each time came up with a different answer. He liked to think she was switching forms, maybe trying to play a joke on them, or play another game. 

-

Azriel peered down in the Cauldron again, after pulling Amren out. He’d hoped, foolishly, that she might be in there too. 

He knew Amren, even spluttering and catching her breath, caught his movement. Azriel tried to avoid her, but she eventually caught up to him and Cassian.  

“She wasn’t there,” the sorrowful, almost pitying, look in her eyes pissed him off. 

“I didn’t ask,” he said coolly. 

“Maybe not,” she assessed him. “But there’s your closure.” 

“What … what does it mean, she wasn’t there?” Cassian asked. 

“It means her soul isn’t trapped in limbo.” 

Azriel really, really didn’t want to speak about this, but Cassian kept going. “So she’s moved on?” 

“No,” Amren said sharply. “It means she’s waiting for you idiots,” Amren really never missed the chance to throw an insult in there, “in peace.” 

Cassian caught Azriel’s eye. In peace. It was a small comfort, like a bandaid stuck on a gaping wound. He knew she wanted him to move on, to go find his “peace,” but it was never the same without her. An empty space inside of him he couldn’t fill. For years, he avoided every reminder of her, did everything he could to drown out the screaming abyss threatening to tug him under. It took Cassian to pull him out, to knock some sense into him and tell him she’d be pissed off. 

-

“Cassian and Azriel had a mate.” Rhys told her quietly. Feyre paused. The sorrow in his voice threw her off. Had. 

“What happened?” She asked softly. 

“She died. Y/n was my cousin, Mor’s younger sister.” 

A part of her heart shattered. She hadn’t known he had another cousin, or that Mor had a sister. They never spoke of her. Feyre didn’t … she didn’t like that. Not that she hadn’t been told, but that they weren’t keeping her memory alive. Maybe that was unfair of her, all things considered she hadn’t been around them that long, and some wounds never truly heal. 

“Will you show me her?” She let Rhys read the silent request in her eyes; I’ll make a portrait. Her mate swallowed, before giving a short nod. 

Winter Solstice came, and to say Feyre was nervous would be an understatement. She’d decided to pull Azriel and Cassian aside before, not certain if they’d want a vulnerable moment like this in front of the rest of them. 

She handed them two identical portraits, wrapped in soft paper. 

Cassian shot her a grin, “Finally take up the offer to paint me in the nude?” 

Feyre snorted, huffing out a laugh. “Open it.” 

They both did. Pure silence filled the room, and Feyre shifted on her feet, wondering if maybe she’d crossed a line. 

For the first time, she felt like she could see every raw emotion going through Azriel’s features. 

Rhys had shown her a specific image, the three of them perched on the roof of the Townhouse, her feet swinging back and forth over the edge, a glass of wine in one hand. Azriel’s shadows subtly pinning her - keeping her from tumbling into the rose bushes. She leaned to the side, Cassian standing trying to snatch the glass from her - a wide grin on his face. Azriel watched from behind, amusement lining his features. An open emotion she hadn’t seen frequently from the male. Her mate had flown in, catching the perfect angle. 

Cassian carefully placed the painting on the table - like it was made of pure gold, and wrapped her in a tight hug. 

taglist: @infinitely-kate @foreverrandomwritings, @anuttellaa @morelovemorepeacemoretattoo-blog @justasillylittlegoofyguy, @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @bookishdeer @sidthedollface2 @mis-lil-red, @acourtofbatboydreams @blessthepizzaman @hallucynatiing @summerloversposts @i-am-infinite @fanfiction-for-my-soul, @brandywineeeee, @oktievia @inloveallthetime, @sleepylunarwolf

[milgram-tournament]

MILGRAM Best Song Tournament, Round 2, Match 5 I LOVE YOU vs. CAT

Propaganda for both options under the cut!

Propaganda for I LOVE YOU:

mappi’s spitting bars 🔥🔥🔥🗣️🗣️🗣️

ok but i, as the iloveyoucountdown person before it released, waited 89 days for ily and SHE DID NOT DISAPPOINT‼️‼️‼️🗣️🗣️🗣️🔥🔥🔥 go vote ily now bc its peak music

---

the acoustic section where it just feels so raw and emotional it's crazy also we love to see mappi/miho okasaki rapping again and good lord mahiru delivered hadauwd, like you think about it a lot? like "Ishokujuu plus ai Miss you Raishuu aemasuka no Cadence Yurusarenai ikigai mou iki mo dekinai" it's also so catchy just "Dai- dai- dai- datte suki suki! Dai- dai- dai- datte daisuki."

it's such a quick song but it delivers and it DELIVERS WELL there's so much in the instrumental you can also miss, like sirens and such! again guitar section it's crazy!! i didn't even touch on the visuals, like the visuals are absolutely amazing and really touch on the toxic cycle of mahiru's relationship for example, the carousel turning into a forest! and also they were still able to implement some of tihtbilwy in the beginning of the song! we got to see mahiru's boyfriend as well!! additionally, RATS AND CAKE. HOLY SHIT we all know the absolute shock that appeared on everyone's faces the second that cake turned into a rat (to be honest, I was absolutely sick with shock for the rest of the day) It's really amazing as a song and MV, plus it did help give some more information on Mahiru!

---

miho okasaki's vocals are so powerful. it sounds like mahiru is screaming because of not being forgiven and because of what happened to her boyfriend and because "she can't just do it right".

THE LYRICS ARE SO. "clothes food shelter + love and miss you"?? "my lethal weapon is how to be in love with you"?? "kiss goodbye to this feeling cuz it's too heavy"?? again, the "why can't i just do it right" line?? SO GOOD.

MAHIRU RAPPING. THIS SONG STARTS WITH HER RAPPING. LITERAL CHILLS

i've heard the i love you chorus once and now it's in my head forever. i wake up, i sing the i love you chorus. i go to sleep, i sing the i love you chorus.

the lyrics are so sad when you start thinking about them more. "saying i love you but doing what i did, i know i have no right, crossed and covered in sin"?? please, don't you want to give mappi a hug. please she deserves it. she needs it

the "DIE-suki" pun.

the mv is so. i can talk about it for hours. it literally starts with showing us what happened to her bf. i've watched it live, i knew about this part and i still was shocked. mahiru's boyfriend is dead. mahiru is also rapping. also, the lyrics. this scene is terrifying to me and i mean it in the best way possible.

the cake symbolism. mahiru refusing to accept her reality and the true nature of her relationship with her bf and still seeing everything around her as cute and soft and pink. her feeling guilty and not knowing how to express love properly and still choosing to continue to love in this way. i don't know, something about it is so.. it's so sad and so realistic and so heartbreaking

i love how we can say so much about her relationship with her boyfriend based on mv and the lyrics. this is more of a theory and i probably shouldn't talk about it but i like the fact that mappi and her bf's relationship wasn't just abusive or one-sided love or anything like that. it's like they loved each other, they just.. didn't know how to show it or express it in a healthy way (or maybe mahiru's bf did know, but he was okay with going through all of this for her). like this scene when they're both riding the carousel and looking happy at first and even when both of them look like a mess, mahiru's face expression is still pretty much the same while her boyfriend looks much more tired, but he's still smiling. something about that part breaks me.

the instrumental is so fun and chaotic and creepy please listen to it. all milgram instrumentals are great but ily instrumental is definitely one of my fav ones.

Propaganda for CAT:

"You like jazz? Jazz is chaos within order. Got to love the whole band. Vibraphone, saxophone, trumpet, flute, piano, guitar, drums, bass… Go, rhythm section, go! The song sounds tender at times and aggressive at others as different instruments pop up at different times. Sometimes they follow Kazui’s voice (“follow the king of the masquerade”). Sometimes they get to be the focus. You have the chill piano one moment and the screaming guitar in the next.

You’ve got a lovely “jingle” (“Lie until it gets better…”) which occurs at the beginning, middle, and end. It fits the “newspaper ad” style of the video really well. Also at the very end, there’s one more line that gives the jingle an upward contour, giving a sense of finality. “Until you can meet the king of the masquerade.” You’re there now.

The two verses start off differently before they take on a similar melody. It feels like Kazui is talking to a different person in each verse.

The chorus is a beautiful façade the first time and a sinister truth the second time.

The opening for solos shows that this jazz song means business. I love how the saxophone and trumpet especially get in your face. And with the tacet on vocals, the walking bass really shines if you lend it your ear.

And the smoke break! Silence is golden. Glass click. Lighter. Huff.

As always, Kazui’s voice is super deep. He hits even lower notes this time around. He’s a fifth lower than the next lowest singers (Haruka and Shidou)."

---

-Great instrumental choice. Kazui and jazz is *chefs kiss*

-Symbolism. THE SYMBOLISM. I can’t type out all my thoughts but ifykyk

-The almost comic like style of the MV is really appealing.

-Lyrics!! There is so much to unpack but it’s really cool.

-Kazui eating the dove… fricken iconic.

---

FIRST OF ALL the vocals????? BEAUTIFUL. His va put his whole pussy into this song and you can tell!! The way he sings the chorus is so damn addicting I'm so in love with him. His voice is more or less stable throughout the entire thing until the final chorus but you can hear the emotion peaking out which fits perfectly with Kazui keeping everything hidden. The way his voice turns into a sort of whisper during "all the things I wanna do that I can't say outloud"??? The way his voice starts trembling during "this feeling it's yearning to be satisfied"???? The way his voice turns into a sort of whisper AND starts trembling during "hey, if I said I liked-liked you, what would you?"?????? HEAVENLY! You can really feel how afraid Kazui is under his disguise and my heart breaks a little everytime I listen. Not to mention how absolutely powerful his voice gets at the climax!!!!!! It's insane!!!!!!! It's genius!!!!!! It makes me wild makes me crazy makes me eat my walls!!!!!!!!!!

THE SMOKE BREAK?????? What other song has something as powerful as that huh???? This isn't just a song produced by the milgram machine using his memories, this is HIS song and he is OWNING IT! The music builds up so much and gets so intense right before it, I can literally feel myself get tense and starting holding my breath right before he takes the break and everything relaxs… it's not just a break for him, but a break for the viewer. The song is spiralling out of control just like his life and his lies and he has no choice but to put it to a quick stop before its too much to handle.

THE IMAGERY IS WILD!!!!! He's a magician!!! Little magic guy!!!! Using tricks and lies to amaze and captivate the people around him! Trying desperately to magic his own feelings into something else! But it's all fake! It's all tricks and no matter how hard he tries he can never actually change himself into what he wants! But he's trying to convince himself the same way he's convinced his audience!! And when you're watching a magic act, are you there for the magician themself or are you there to watch the show?? The people in his life only cared for him when he performed for them, but they didn't give a drop of love to who he was a person! ALSO the transformation of the wedding ring to a cigarette to the dove at the end??? Makes me wild every single time! Right infront of his wife, he showed her that their marriage was something unhealthy for him that was slowly killing him from the inside. AND THEN he uses it to harm himself???? And then he turns that cigarette into a dove- a representation of love and literally TEARS INTO IT. He tears his marriage apart with his mouth!!! AKA HIS WORDS. makes me wild. Also fun fact Kazui says he started smoking because when he was younger it was "just natural for everyone to smoke" and that lines up with his reasons for marriage perfectly.

Kazui looks really hot in it. You should vote for Cat because Kazui is insanely attractive. What other reason do you need huh? Hot gay middle aged man.

[leohamatoblog]

More Headcanons: Personality Quirks

Leo:

• calm and collected but also very stubborn. it's his way or the high way until you prove him otherwise

• feelings aren't foreign but definitely aren't something he's particularly good at. he's guarded when he's confronted with someone who's heart is on their sleeve

• feelings, that being said, aren't a sign of weakness in his eyes. go ahead, be angry or be sad, but get it together cause shit needs done

• only truly comforting if you're full blown sobbing, and depending on your relationship, big bro leo or soft boyfriend leo come out

• best at de-escalation unless he's the one fighting with the other person

• hates, hates, hates being wrong (i don't make the rules) but weirdly not afraid to apologize for being wrong, in his own way of course

• he hates the word sorry and believes it's just a word. since he's a man of few words, he prefers to show he's sorry. (i've mentioned it before and i'll die on this hill, king of acts of service)

• can dish advice like it's candy but for the life of him can't take his own advice

• the patience of an absolute saint, unless you're one of his brothers

• confrontation is his middle name

• sarcastic but very thoughtful and very appreciative

• besides mikey, he gets the most depressed because he feels like his only identity is a leader at times

• he strikes me as the kind of guy that just comes up out of nowhere and says "need some help with that?"

• willing to try anything once, open minded to an extent if it's not dangerous

• extremely trustworthy and loyal

Raph:

• hothead but the most sensitive out of all the brothers. very quick to cry

• feelings, like mikey, are shown on his sleeve. he makes it everyone's problem

• bad at communication...that's all i gotta say on that

• unhealthy projector of feelings but is willing to hear tips on how to do better

• the type to start crying if you start crying

• not the most patient in the world but if you're new something he tries (keyword: tries) to be as patient as possible

• he gets awkward if he knows he hurt someone's feelings and has to apologize. very bad at words and not the best at showing he's truly sorry

• horrible at advice

• chronic gaslighter in some situations (i don't make the rules)

• he truly does try to better himself if you call him out on his bs, he's able to hold himself accountable..in his own way

• even though he's a hothead, once you start crying, immediately he stops. the first sight of your lip quivering and he's shut up cause he crossed the line and he knows it

• doesn't mind confrontation

• loyal, loyal, loyal

• type to hold a grudge forever and never forget

• the "where's my hug at" guy

Donnie:

• his intelligence is his strongest suite but sometimes it goes to his head...literally

• very awkward with feelings and has no idea what to do in situations that call for comfort

• unless he's very comfortable with you, he will send you to someone else if you're upset so he doesn't upset you more

• not emotional but also not not emotional

• doesn't like confrontation at all unless you're nice about it

• best at communication out of all the guys because if he's bothered, he makes it very known

• besides mikey, he's very easily manipulated

• chronic overthinker

• very insecure in his abilities as a ninja

• hates to talk about his feelings and bottles them up until he explodes

• not one to get angry but he is the passive aggressive king

• germaphobe (no elabortion...he just is)

• he's very kind and very helpful when the situation calls for it

• he's the most gentle of all the guys

• definitely on the spectrum (not sure which, but he's definitely on one)

Mikey:

• number one most emotional out of all the brothers and doesn't show it

• jokester but is able to have meaningful and deep conversations the best

• most empathetic and compassionate but too quick to trust

• explosive temper that only comes out when his family or friends are in life threatening danger

• feelings are worn on his sleeve and he isn't ashamed to show them

• boundaries are an extreme work in progress (do with that what you will)

• sometimes is unable to decifer when not to make a joke

• will take jokes as far as they'll go to the point where the offense level is very questionable

• apologizes until it gets incredibly annoying

• will never be afraid to share his opinion but will always be quick to point out the good

• he cries all the time with no shame

• actually a very analytical and extreme outside the box thinker

• the "i had him/her first" friend if you get into a relationship

• very good listener when needed, but selective hearing most of the time

• he has adhd. nothing further needed.

[alessiathepirate]

Until Dawn

A SMALL JOY: Josh Washington x fem!reader

Summary: Taking Dr Hill's advice, Josh and his lover go up to the lodge and look through all the things his sisters had left behind - after an interesting find she does her best to take his mind off the sadness he's experiencing.

Notes: English isn't my first language. I apologize for any mistake I may have made while I wrote this short story.

To be honest, Until Dawn is still one of my favourite horror games. Thanks to the game I found my favourite YouTube channel, my English improved a lot because I wanted to understand every word, and I have a huge crush on Rami Malek to this very day. Me and my friends were obsessed with him the time the game came out, and soon started to watch more of his work together.

Josh Washington was one of my first fictional crushes, I could defend him for years without getting tired and I drew him so many times I actually learned how to draw portraits correctly.

There's a gameplay I like to rewatch every year, because of the great memories I have connected to it. I always fall in love with Josh Washington once again - and thanks to that tradition, I started to write for him as well.

Warnings: a bit of swearing, mentioned depression and loss, mentioning the Washington sisters' disappearance and/or death

•••

° "(...) We would come up in the summer and we would have the best time. The whole family was there - mom, dad, my sisters. It was some serious competition out there on the big lawn... I don't know. Can't go back. New reality." °

She listens carefully, noticing every little pitch or drop in Josh's voice as he speaks - and as he puts down the baseball bat all she can think about is grabbing him and pulling him into a hug, a tight one, the kind that is both loving and comforting. She watches him, she examines his every little move and her heart aches every single time she finds a new sign of sadness.

She hates it.

She hates that look on his face. She hates that change in his voice. She hates that he feels alone. She hates that the whole case is making him go crazy. She hates that nothing is certain and he can't even grieve.

She hates that he had to change so much; that he had to become this depressed because of some stupid, messed up prank their friends had decided to pull on his sister.

He didn't deserve any of it. He doesn't deserve any of it. None of the Washington kids do.

Coming up here was already hard - back to the mountain where Hannah and Beth disappeared, where they played around like stupid teenagers do. Dr Hill said it's for the best - Josh needs some closure, some proof that he needs to slowly start to move on. She thinks it's bullshit - Josh thinks so too. It won't be easy to put yourself through something like this.

But regardless, they came. They are here now, looking through the rooms, the basement...

The memories are hurting her - and if she as a friend is hurting this badly than Josh must suffer a lot.

"Teach me." the words suddenly burst out before she can stop them, wanting to make Josh concentrate on something else - not wanting him to get lost in his own mind.

"What?" the question is loud in the basement.

"Teach me how to play." she continues on, feeling unsure like she tries to cross a very thin and sensitive line. "I've never played baseball before."

"It's been a while since I did so." Josh starts to explain, his gaze falling on the bat he put down. "You really- want to?"

She steps closer to him slowly, carefully, as if she tries to get close to a very scared and wounded animal. She touches his arm, her fingers hold him as her thumb brushes along his skin in an up and down motion. She leans towards him, her face touching his shoulder as she presses a kiss to the area what isn't covered by his t-shirt.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." she whispers. "I know it's not-" she holds that thought and says something else instead: "I just haven't seen you play yet and I want to join in."

Josh looks at her over his shoulder, he looks at her as she tries to smile even if her eyes stay sad. He watches her like she's the only thing he has left, like she's the only person who matters anymore. He looks at her and feels something break inside, realizing that she really is the only one who he has.

"All right." he says and when he sees her eyes change a tiny bit - showing a bit of happiness - he feels his heart flutter. It makes him feel better, it makes him want to touch her too, putting his hand over hers - over the one which is still clinging onto his arm. "As long as you promise me you won't accidentally hit yourself with the bat."

And there's what he wanted to see - her expression changes, playful offence takes the sadness' place and she gently hits his back.

"Hey! I wouldn't do that."

"You totally wouldn't." his sarcasm earns him another punch and despite the situation and the place, he feels like he got something back.

The last time they bickered like this was half a year ago, the night his sisters had disappeared. They drank and played around until they started to make out in the kitchen, only stopping when Chris stepped inside the room wanting some booze for himself.

As they climb the stairs hand in hand they both feel somewhat relieved. They found a kind of small joy, a bit of happiness - something what they had left here months ago. Josh chuckles when she trips and almost falls, she feels excited as he hands her the baseball bat outside.

"Since there're only the two of us here, I think it's best I teach you how to hit the ball and not yourself."

"I'm not that clumsy Mister!" she tries to sound offended, but it doesn't work.

"I know you too well, girl; and I don't trust you with that at all."

Josh stands behind her, keeping a gentle hold on both of her arms as he explains how to stand and how to hold the bat. She chuckles when he playfully tickles her and this time she doesn't feel guilty about laughing. Before he lets go of her to throw the ball, he gives her a short hug and presses a kiss into the crook of her neck.

She misses the first time...

and the second time; and the third time...

She misses and Josh laughs and she thinks it's the most beautiful sight she's ever seen.

They change positions after a while and no matter how she throws, Josh never misses - not even once. He hits the ball every single time and it flies and lands far away.

She has the feeling that in that very moment, doing that very thing they both feel somewhat complete. She feels like Josh's smiles are honest, his laughs are honest and she forgets about Dr Hill and his stupid advice.

"No shit you like to play it." she says after a while as the both of them are lying in the grass, her head resting on Josh's arm. "It is fun."

"Believe me darling, it is much more fun when you actually hit the ball." his voice has a teasing edge to it and for a moment she thinks about turning towards him and hitting him playfully once again - but she doesn't.

Instead - hoping to get something more, trying to get a kind of good change out of him, she says: "I will, after a bit more training. You'll teach me, I have no doubt about that."

Josh turns towards her, gently touching her face and playing with her hair. She tries to read his face and she realizes that he understands what she's playing at. She wonders if he'll get upset or sad... but she gets an answer pretty quickly.

"I will - of course I will. You'll be the best player in this damn country."

The muscles in her face twitch and she feels like she'll cry. It's been so long, so long since Josh smiled and laughed that now seeing it again feels like a whole new experience. She doesn't want to leave the place or the moment. It's too nice.

"Better than you?"

"Way better." he promises and lets go of the lock of hair he's been playing with. "I love you, you know that, right?"

She feels frozen at the question and starts to wonder where it's coming from. The doubt in his voice, the softness in his eyes... He deserves the world, he deserves everything in it and he deserves to know that he does enough for her - she feels his love and every single emotion and action it causes.

"Of course I do... I know." she promises. "I love you too. And I'm here for you, no matter what."

It's her turn to lean in and she kisses him, making sure the kiss is soft and calm. She wants to make him feel whole and safe. She wants him to be happy.

They lay back down and stay quiet for a bit, enjoying the sunlight and the light summer breeze. She feels like she could melt. Melt into the feeling and moment forever, without ever getting bored.

"You know," Josh starts suddenly, his voice soft and unsure. "it's been a while since I've taken you out on a date."

"It's fine, Josh. These past months weren't exactly the best."

"No... I know." for a few moments he stays silent, not knowing what to say. "All I want to say is I have a few movies here we can watch and we can have a nice time before we-"

"-go back to them." she finishes, understanding what he means.

Them. All the friends, all the family members and pals who show an annoying amount of pity. All of those people who try to comfort Josh when doesn't want to do anything with them. The people who make him feel worse than better.

"I'd love that." she smiles at him as he turns towards him and hugs him. "But no horror."

"No horror." Josh nods.

It wouldn't be good for either of them.

She kisses his shoulder as they get going, stretching their muscles, before climbing the stairs to go and find the movies Josh was talking about.

As they look over his DVDs while hugging, all she can think about is how unfair life is, because Josh doesn't deserve any of the problems life threw at him...