#ARIZONA :: ᵖᵉᵈˢ ᶜᵃᶰ ᵇᵉ ʰᵃʳᵈᶜᵒʳᵉ

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eighteen months,   it’s how long it’d taken her to get pregnant.   and with everything she’d been through,   the trauma,   the surgeries that followed,  she knew there were risks.   she did,   and yet there was nothing that could have prepared her for giving birth at twenty five weeks.  

“  he’s just so little,  ”   her hand rested against the plastic that stood between her and the infant that seemed to be more tubes and wires than anything.   “  i---   i want to be able to do something.   i feel helpless and i---  ”   she’s not a surgeon in that moment,  she was a mother who’d spent seventy eight long hours in labor,  desperately trying to stop contractions,   to carry the little boy in front of her a little closer to term.   she’s terrified,   exhausted,   and every muscle in her body was telling her to lay down.   “  what can i do?  please just...   tell me i can do something.  ”

@mcdmples // starter call !!

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tag drop !!     

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it’s an empty gallery,   a surgery that was routine.   it’s the closest she’d been to operating in months.   “  arizona!  ”   it’s surprise that fell from her lips as the other entered the quiet room.   so,  maybe she wasn’t technically supposed to be up there,   but she’d definitely done worse before.   “  i have a physical therapy appointment in a bit,   but i just---  ”   she wanted things to feel a little more like normal,   or at least as close to normal as it could be stuck in a wheelchair,   not quite cleared to be back at work.   “  i haven’t been this close to a surgery in months,   not since...  ”   not since the last time she was the one the table.

@herheroics​ // starter call !!

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@drmcperky // sc. 

“ i just- i can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong. ” there was a small shake of her head  before she continued. “ according to my o.b. there isn’t anything to be worried about, but still i have this gut feeling that something’s wrong. ”  lexie shifted on the exam table, worry written across her expression. “ i know doing ultrasounds on anxious moms isn’t your job, but i was wondering if you’d do one for me anyway? ”

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@mcdmples it wasn’t the anniversary of the day she died that was the hardest.   that day was filled with memories of flying home to a drunk father,   a sister with a newborn running on too little little sleep;   of making funeral plans,   trying to figure out what her mom would have wanted.   it was her birthday that was the hardest for lexie.   a day filled with now bittersweet happy memories,   of poorly made breakfasts in bed,   a trip to the e.r. after an incident involving raw cake batter and a severe egg allergy,   of trips with her dad and sister to find the right present. 

and today,   today was the latter of the two days.   it was something lexie hadn’t realized until rounds were finished,   until she’s given pre-op tests to run,   post-ops to check in on.    a rotation on peds,   it’s easy to try and keep herself distracted.   kids,   older ones tended to ask about what she was doing as she did it,   sometimes questions about what surgeons did,   the kinds of surgeries lexie had seen;   the younger ones had less of a filter,   asking blunt questions,   like where the scars on her arm came from,   why she walked funny.   and lexie’d give them each a different outrageous story,   telling tales of doing surgeries on dinosaurs as she drew blood,   of accidents while preforming surgeries in space as lexie took temperatures,   as she listened to breathing.   so maybe the smiles she offered the kids didn’t quite make it to her eyes,   but it wasn’t something they’d worry about.

it isn’t until her shift is almost over that lexie found herself sitting on the floor of on a supply closet,   head rested in unsteady hands,   back against the wall.   it was a choice she’d regret later,   but in the moment as tears stung eyes,   it was the choice that involved the least amount of people seeing her break down.   it hit her like a ton of bricks,   just how much lexie missed her mom,   how much easier everything that had happened in the past year would have been with her support.   tears that had previously stung eyes left streaks down cheeks.   head lifted as light filled the previously dimly lit closet,  the opening door catching her by surprise.   “  arizona,   i---  ”   recognition followed by a hand wiping quickly at her eyes,   a poor attempt to hide the reason she was hiding in a supply closet.   “  i didn’t---  i didn’t miss a page did i?  ”

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tag drop part two!

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tag drop part two