#And every time I watch those scenes I remember that I repressed that

[cookie-run-haven]

And yes I'm going to complain about the chapters when I feel better and I'm on the computer

[needle-noggins]

Volume 7 destroyed me. Part 1 of whatever this analysis is. Lots of talk about childhood trauma. Vash is such a complex character so if there are inconsistencies in my logic here, help me.

So in Volume 7, we get some pretty heavy flashbacks to Vash and Knives' shared trauma of discovering Tesla, and it's juxtaposed with Vash meeting up with Knives in the ark, contrasting then and now. Highlighting how they've changed and developed in response to their shared trauma - which is to say, in opposite ways. And not necessarily just due to their personalities. In fact, I would say that Knives is more sensitive, sweet, and trusting pre-Tesla. Vash is a bit more aloof, although still a good kid.

Also, here's the lily.

White flowers are a common Japanese symbol for death/grief and are primarily used in funerals. Lilies can symbolize purity and innocence (don't quote me on this one though). Rem must have put that flower there and kept it alive. She does say that she opposed the experimentation and regrets Tesla's suffering and death, but this drives the point home in a way that also highlights Rem's character and her love for flowers (which, tbh, seems more of a Tristamp thing I think? Regardless, I hope the next season of Stampede has more Tesla flashbacks with the white lily. That would be a nice nod to the manga).

Back to Tesla trauma. God, it makes me sick. The cold, detached way in which she's described as the "subject" hits home for me because I have to write like that for a living working in healthcare. It's commonplace and required, but man, it's terrifying reading it and understanding that there's 0 compassion in there. Medical ethics (or lack thereof) are my kryptonite. It gets me every time.

To make things worse, it's gory in it's own sterile way. Tesla's body is contained in nice little tanks, but if you look into those tanks... oof. She's riddled with tumors, organs are near-indistinguishable, and her small little child legs make it all the more horrifying. That's a child. With a detached, tiny baby angel arm in another tank. It may be important to note that this is reminiscent of Vash's angel arm (it's the right arm) but also it's the arm that's detached (well, both of Tesla's are, but this one was likely removed first and by Dr. Conrad and the team). Foreshadowing, in a weird way? And Tesla's entire brain is in another tank, with her eye. At what point did this happen? Was she still conscious for that? I want to scream.

Vash is not handling this well. He's the first to cry out about the differences between plants and humans. Also, the composition of that last panel here is incredible - the emotion is palpable. And the eyes?? Eyes of all the humans, watching them as they sleep in the ship, waiting to pounch, or Tesla's eyes, watching from the tank, casting judgement down? Either way, it's evocative. Poor baby Vash. He is so so angry and so scared.

Knives, meanwhile, shatters so badly that he blocks it out and/or represses it without showing a single emotion - as a defense mechanism. This certainly seems more like a Vash-style response, right?

Do remember that these boys are twins. Despite all their differences that have baked in as adults now, they were much more similar as kids. The specific circumstances in their experience immediately post-Tesla then shape them for the rest of their lives and cause the rift between them that we see today (in the same volume, no less). It's nothing but pure tragedy.

Which then brings us to the next scene - Vash, even at such a young age, is already showing tendencies of self-harm and suicidal ideation. He's refusing to eat, wasting away. He'd rather die than live long enough to become another experiment, to be subjected to that torture. There is no safe place for him in this world of humans, and Knives is refusing to acknowledge it (he's literally asleep during this; we love an avoidant king - jk but i'm handshaking w/ Knives; relatable). Rem, bless her, tries to treat Vash to some freshly-cut fruit (also a symbol of familial love in Japan - acts of service and all) but ya know, she forgets the cardinal rule when handling someone who is suicidal - don't let them have access to sharp objects. No knives for you, Vash.

BIG MOM MOMENT. Rem grabs the sharp edge of the blade and lets it cut her to prevent Vash from harming himself. She may not have birthed these boys, but damn if she isn't their mother in every other way. (also, quick point - generational trauma - Rem's grief over Alex's death becomes Vash's grief over Rem's death? I don't have good formed thoughts on this yet).

UGH. The flip side of Rem's blank ticket philosophy - the future is blank, so why throw the present away? There's always, always hope. Isn't that just the overarching message of Trigun?

This is obviously a formative moment for Vash. He never forgets this lesson.

Caveat to this, Vash is still a very self-destructive character as an adult, verging on suicidal without being outrightly so. He has let this moment shape his character, but he still others himself in that he believes this philosophy doesn't apply to him, an Independent. Vash has said before that there's no hope for him, he wishes he had never been born, and he's only really alive to destroy Knives and finish what they started. That's uh, Not Good... what will make Vash want to finally live? (*shhhhh, spoilers!*) Anyway, Vash applies this lesson to Wolfwood in Wolfwood's weakest moment. Vash sees himself in Wolfwood in the "Shoot" moment, no doubt, he sees his fear and anger, even if it's a bit of a different flavor. Wolfwood is simultaneously suicidal in that moment and has this twisted logic of, If Vash can kill me he can kill anyone; this will help him and i'm willing to die for that cause.

Someone tell me their thoughts on this parallel. I kinda just want to scream incoherently about it. That's all I got.

Anyway.

It takes some extra learning in this moment before Vash can figure his shit out. He takes the situation from bad to worse - he's still angry at humans for his pain, still terrified. He's so angry that he stabs Rem - his mother figure, the only person other than Knives that he's ever known and trusted - and instantly regrets it, terrified that he'll lose her (before his worst fears are later realized, and he does and it's his fault, again).

It's like, you know, the feeling when you hurt your sibling because you're so fucking mad at them, but the moment they're actually hurt, you're instantly filled with fear and regret? (THIS WILL COME INTO PLAY LATER TOO I PROMISE.)

I can imagine it's 10 times worse with a parent.

And Knives is asleep! For all of this! I think the one big takeaway with the twins is that Vash has always been the more outwardly emotional one, and Knives has always been more sensitive but withdrawn. Vash expresses his anger outwardly, getting it out quickly, even if it's very destructive in the moment. But this moment teaches him to do otherwise - he sees the result of his anger, and he's terrified out of doing anything to cause harm ever again. Vash tries to kill Rem! Vash, who now wouldn't hurt a soul, even if he wants to! He's terrified of the consequences, and with the added idolization of Rem's memory... yeah. So as an adult, Vash turns away from "flight" and into "fawn" as his main trauma response. He just wants to make things right and he's willing to break a hundred times for it so no one else has to get hurt. (he's also very much a "flight" still, but ya know)

Knives sits back, represses, plots until his emotions have twisted beyond recognition and his resulting actions are a hundred times more irrational and fucked up. Very much "fight". And it's even more terrifying, actually.

When Knives wakes up, he's calm. He's collected. He says he doesn't remember what happened. He's plotting to doom the whole SEEDS project. He's going to kill them all, and he's not showing a single emotion until he's gleefully realized his plan is working. That's horrifying.

I think this is where I'll stop for now. I'm not a therapist or psychiatrist or expert in trauma in any way and this post is quickly running away from me and into a psychoanalysis of the twins, which I just don't feel equipped to do here, never mind have the right words for. But at least this can get a conversation started.

[written-in-flowers]

Fly Away: Pt. 8

Pairing: Young!Aemond x Young!Velaryon!Reader | Side pairing: Rhaenyra x Alicent, Aegon x Helaena

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Au: friends to lovers, childhood love, incest (duh), slight homophobia expressed, repressed feelings, mutual pining, teenage runaways, mentions of bullying, arrange marriages

Word Count: 9k

Summary: Young love overcomes all in a family full of broken bonds and broken hearts. When Princess Y/N Velaryon and Prince Aemond Targaryen are discovered missing from their beds, their mothers must come together to find them. The search might do more for their families than a mere marriage pact can. 

A/N: want to clarify now that we stick with young!Aemond throughout the story. Ewan’s Aemond comes in at the very end. This is mainly done starting a bit before The Princess and the Queen and a little bit after the events at Driftmark. I do pull some scenes from the show, but it remains relatively loose throughout. Want to also point out that The Dance doesn’t happen in this universe, so...happy ending expected, because we need more of those.  

Taglist:  @yitish,  @imjustboredso, @dangerousbluebirdpoetry, @discowizard88, @mddieeunson , @caramelcandescence, @bookwhoresthings , @astrumark, @minteaspoon @eddiemunsonsgroupie @miraclealignertlsp369 @aemond-targaryenx​​ @afro-hispwriter​

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***

Aemond checked the few snares he’d placed along the way back to the cabin, and managed to get another rabbit from one. He told you about a larder he’d found outside the house, where the family must’ve stored their meats. Once they've cooked the meat, it’ll be safe to store there for a time. Aemond remembered Ser Criston having a similar technique, and thought it was safe to use here. It’d be helpful to not be hunting every day; it was precious time he could be spending by your side instead. 

The smile never fully left his face, making his cheeks hurt and strain from it. The darkening skies caused him to finally stop kissing you. He did not go any further, however. The only thing he kept thinking about were your words; the way you’d said them with such certainty. He’d thought his eye may keep you from him forever, but today you proved the opposite. You stood before a heart tree and spoke your vows to him in front of gods. Neither of you followed said gods, but did that really matter? You both kept your promises to one another in your hearts; your spirits binded themselves together underneath the shade of the blood-red leaves. 

Returning to the cabin as the skies grew darker, he mentally took account of everything you’d gathered. Besides the onions and potatoes from home, you had found patches of vegetation that grew wild over the decades: blueberries, clovers, dandelions, mint leaves, and rosemary. Pine cones were scattered on the ground, so they’d been collected as well. You had no idea what to do with them, but they’d been in your book. They wouldn’t use everything tonight, since you’d plucked plenty for other dinners, but you’d eat well tonight. You are not the best of cooks, but you said that you liked making food for Aemond. It makes you feel like a “real wife” despite knowing that is not a woman’s only role. He enjoyed getting the food for you, and helping you prepare it by skinning and gutting the animal. 

“We were gone longer than I’d thought,” Aemond said, reaching the threshold of the cabin’s proximity. “The sun’s about to go down. We should get the fire going.”

“Right.” 

The island looked small in the sky, but you’d both learned it is quite vast. Beyond the little village and ship docks, there is nothing but an endless forest. He’s certain you’d hardly scratched the surface of the remote place. As he sat down outside the back door, the designated skinning and gutting area, you unloaded your satchel inside. Aemond watched you pick up dusty jars and bottles from a shelf near the fireplace. They’d been one of the few things that seemed salvageable in the cabin. While he patched up holes in the cabin with leaves and wood, you’d cleaned them out for proper use. As he made a slit in his kill, you saw you fill the jars with your findings. The remaining vegetables went into a crate near the fireplace, and the last of your bread sat in a basket. He knew the last piece resembled a rock by now, since you had no way of keeping it fresh.  

“Aemond?” you called to him. 

“Yes?” 

“Do you want to go into the village again?”

Aemond stopped cutting into the rabbit’s fur, “What for?”

“I want to see if we can find food there.”

“Y/N, the village is old. I doubt anything we find will be useful or edible. Neither of us can afford to become ill.” He started peeling the rabbit’s skin from its body, the familiar squelching noise breaking the silence. You pointedly looked away, and he snorted amusedly. “There is nothing in the village. Everything we need is in the forest behind us.” 

You accepted his answer, then began working on starting a fire in the hearth. Aemond thought back to the tablet and charcoal pieces he kept hidden in his bag. A perfect wedding gift for his beautiful bride, he decided. He finished stripping and hollowing out the carcass, and skewered it through a metal stick to hang over the fire. Ser Criston used to sit next to it, occasionally pouring the fat drippings to keep it juicy. He did the same, enjoying the warmth and your company in the meantime. It felt like a dream. You are his wife. You loved him. He couldn’t stop himself from looking at you at the nearby table. You’d decided to chop the onion and one potato to put in a pot for rabbit soup. Whether it’d taste good was yet to be seen, but he didn’t mind so much. Knowing you’d made it meant a lot to him. 

“I think I might make a fishing rod,” he said when you came to him with a pot of water and your vegetables. “That way we aren’t always eating rabbit.”

“I can find a way to grow food here by the cabin,” you replied. “A woman from the village used to grow her own food near her home.”

“Would that work?”

“I don’t know. I can still try.” You looked into your pot, “We will need more water. We only have one skin left and half a bucket. We should have gotten water by the river.”

“I will go in the morning.” He held your hand for a while, putting more fat over the rabbit and listening to it sizzle. It smelled wonderful. “Do you want to read tonight or should I?”

“I like it when you read,” you smiled at him. 

“Then I shall.”

Oh, what he wouldn’t do to keep you happy. Aemond planted a kiss on your lips, letting it linger before breaking away. You smiled and put your head on his shoulder. The dread did not touch him right now. That crippling sensation that they’d eventually be found, broken apart to never see one another again did not breach his thoughts. He knew once his mother found him, she’d make sure he never escaped again. She’d betroth and marry him to some noblewoman far away, forever barring him from being with you. Your mother will undoubtedly marry you off once you return home; possibly to a Stark or a lord far from the south. But, right now, that mattered very little. Sitting beside his wife by the fire, feeling her fingers lightly trace patterns on his forearm and occasionally being kissed by her, the outside world faded. The couple entered a place completely their own, and he’d live in it as long as possible. 

After you put the soup to boil, the rabbit pieces floating inside, Aemond walked over to his satchel by the edge of the bed. “I have something for you,” he said, finding the tablet and charcoal inside. “It’s customary for a groom to give his bride a present, and I waited for the right time.”

“A present? Aemond, you did not have to,” you smiled. 

“I did,” he said. “Close your eyes.” He returned to your side once you closed your eyes. He placed the wooden tablet, parchment, and sack in front of you. “Open them.”

When you looked down, your smile warmed his heart. “Oh Aemond,” you sighed, picking up the slate, “Where did you find this?”

“In the market with Aegon.” He refused to bring up that it’d been after their night in the brothel. “There was a vendor selling all kinds of different things, and I saw this,” he gestured to the tablet, “And thought you might enjoy using it. I brought more paper too for when you run out.”

“Thank you,” you beamed, holding the slate to your chest, “I love it.” You then frowned, “But, I did not get you a gift.”

“You becoming my wife is already enough for me,” he replied in a smile. “I wanted to give you something you’d use, and I thought this would be perfect.”

“It is.” 

You bent forward and kissed him. Out of habit, he brought you closer to deepen it. The urge to kiss you like he’d done in the godswood crossed his mind, but he forced himself to stop. 

“We should go into the village tomorrow, like you suggested,” he said, breaking the kiss. “Not for food, but to look around and see if there is anything useful there. It’d be good for us to get out of here and do something fun. Maybe then find our dragons, and we can fly together for a while.”

“That sounds nice,” you nodded, kissing him again. 

He’d never felt happier. 

***

Alicent’s muscles remained so tense throughout the flight that they burned. The terrifying thought of somehow slipping from Rhaenyra, off the saddle and into the open air crossed her mind several times. She’d felt fearful when riding with Aegon, who’d kept Sunfyre straight and steady to keep her at ease, and the fear came back now. Yet, her fingers digging into Rhaenyra’s leather coat, feeling her torso pressed against her’s, and her silver hair brushing into her cheek, it lessened over time. She closed her eyes, and the daydreams from long ago returned. 

‘I don’t care about that anymore. I love you, Alicent. It is you that I want; not the Throne or the Crown or the Seven Kingdoms. It is you I wish to be with like I said: fly away across the sea, seeing the wonders of the world and eating cake.’ 

The memory returned once again, stinging as badly as they’d done every other time. It’d come to her vividly. She’d been sitting up in her bed, her curls a mess and wearing her thin nightgown, looking at Rhaenyra in the near darkness. Rhaenyra’s hair shone in the moonlight; her eyes sparkled with hope and determination as she spoke. Alicent knew them to be true; she’d admitted them to herself. Flying through the orange and blue skies, she imagined what it’d look like if she’d gone. If she’d forgotten her father’s warnings and threats…if she hadn’t cared about what others believed…if she’d let go of every fear and doubt in her mind and given into her desires for once. Alicent blinked back tears. She’d once told Rhaenyra she’d go wherever her beloved went, whispering them between kisses in the sand. But she had not. She’d let fear stop her. 

‘But, Father, I love her!’

She’d declared it so loudly then, sobbing and pleading with her father to understand. It left a swelling in her throat. He’d told her that her ‘infatuation’ will eventually pass; she’d come to see he was right in the end. Deep down, Alicent knew he’d rather burn the world than let people believe a Hightower committed a sin. She’d held her tongue, swallowed her feelings, and continued living behind a mask. She married the king, gave him children and did her duty to her house. All the while, her beloved slipped through her fingers like silk. 

Alicent opened her eyes to see the sun setting on the horizon. How long had they been flying? Syrax will surely need to settle somewhere soon. She took in the fading gradients of the sky, the orange and yellow giving way to the black and blue of night. Alicent worried they may not find any of their children tonight, and be forced to turn back or go off course. She dared to gaze below, and finally saw it. A single ship stood out in the expanse of dark ocean below. Squinting to see through the clouds, she saw it sailed unaccompanied by other ships. It appeared to be heading in the same direction as them, rather than moving out of the bay. 

“Who is that?” she said in Rhaenyra’s ear, pointing a shaking finger at the ship. 

Rhaenyra took her eyes off the path to look. She guided Syrax out of the clouds, and halfway to the water. Both women then recognized the silver seahorse against aquamarine sails of House Velaryon. Lord Corlys must be setting out to find you and Aemond as well. You are his granddaughter after all. To add more suspicion, they heard a faint screech in the distance. Small and slender, another dragon flew on the other side of the ship. Baela and her dragon, Moondancer. 

It truly is all hands on deck in this search. 

“I’ll go lower, then he’ll see us!” Rhaenyra called over her shoulder, “Hold on!” 

Alicent let out a small scream as Syrax suddenly moved further down, her body being several feet from the water. They came up beside the ship, where they spotted several hanging lanterns lighting the deck. Alicent leaned a bit farther to see the imposing figure of Lord Corlys standing on the top of the deck, steering the helm himself towards the island. He turned his head at the approach of Syrax, and noticed Rhaenyra and Alicent riding her. Too far to exchange words, all the lord did was point ahead and nodded. They are going in the right direction. 

“Aegon?!” Alicent called out to him, hoping she was close enough for him to hear. 

He pointed upwards, and then forward again. Good, he’d seen them then. Another screech above told them Moondancer had flown ahead. Rhaenyra lifted the reins and Syrax turned back up into the skies. She prayed to The Mother silently. 

‘Please, Mother, protect our children and keep them safe. My children are all I truly have. Please, let them be well.’ 

“There!” Rhaenyra gasped after a long while. “It’s there!”

Alicent peeked over her shoulder to see a dark mass not too far away. It was larger than she’d imagined, with a long and wide stretch of forest around most of it. She could not see much else through the night time sky. The island was devoid of any light or life. A sense of dread came back to her. What if they’d gotten to the wrong place? What if the children aren’t here? Alicent clung tightly to Rhaenyra, who placed a hand on the one on her stomach. She almost melted from the comfort. In the night, she spotted several dragons of varying sizes flying away from the southern corner of the island. They dropped down on the sandy beach, their bodies making shapes in the white sand. Rhaenyra circled the area for a place to land, finally finding one towards the shore in the shallows. Alicent felt the soreness in her limbs again, not wanting to move from the position on the saddle. 

But, the sight of a silver-blond figure broke her from her seat. 

“Aegon Targaryen!” she bellowed, sliding off the dragon saddle and into the water. It splashed against her ankles, and soaked her slippers. She did not care. Her fury boiled up to her cheeks as she stomped through the waves, “Aegon Targaryen, what in the Seven Hells do you think you are doing here?!”

“I have come to look for Aemond, Mother!” he remarked, neither stepping back nor meeting her. 

“On your own?! Without any aid?!” she came right up to him, the fading sun giving her enough light to see him. “Do you realize how reckless this was? You had no idea the precise coordinates of this place. You might’ve been flying in the wrong direction, or gotten lost. You should have waited until we’d come up with a plan.”

“You were taking too long.” Aegon rarely spoke back to her in these moments, yet Alicent could not help admiring him. He stood straight with his shoulders back, staring hard back at her. “Aemond could be injured or sickly, and you and Rhaenyra were standing around a bunch of old maps. Forgive me, Mother,” he softened, “I knew you’d be worried but the longer we waited, the more likely something could happen to him.”

His softness simmered her anger. She knew his true reason for wanting to find Aemond first, and understood it. She nodded, “I only worried for you.” She hugged him tightly, taking in the scent of him like she’d done in his infancy. “You and your siblings are all I have,” she admitted in a whisper. “I…I cannot lose you.”

“I know, Mother.” 

He hugged her back, then released her. Helaena stood nearby, and embraced her as well. At least they were safe. She thanked The Mother. 

“Jacaerys! Lucerys!” She heard Rhaenyra’s anger match her own. “I told you both to stay in the castle! This place can be dangerous!”

“We wanted to find Y/N,” Jace replied. “We could not wait any longer.”

“This was entirely foolish of you,” she looked at the others near her, “Foolish of all of you. If you’d waited, we could have built a strategy and flown here together.” 

She ran her hand through Jace’s hair, then brought him to her side. She did the same with Luke. Alicent heard muffled words from both boys, who no doubt apologized for upsetting her.  Alicent then turned to Aegon, “It appears my son is the leader of this little rescue group. What was your plan exactly?”

Aegon paused. He did not have one. “I thought of us splitting up in pairs to find them.”

“In a place as large as this one?”

“We’d use our dragons.”

“In the darkness?”

He hesitated, shifting uncomfortably. “Well…”

“We need to burn torches if we are to start searching,” Rhaenyra came up to them with her boys. “Lord Corlys is on his way with Baela. I’m certain he has brought more men with him. Knowing Laenor,” she looked at Alicent, “He would have followed us with Ser Criston; that’ll add more people to the party.”

“So, you suggest more patience, a thing we’ve had so little of these days?” Alicent responded. 

“There is not much we can do safely. I’d rather we stay together until Lord Corlys arrives. He is not too far, so I suspect he’ll be here by morning.”

“We’ve brought food and water,” Luke said from Rhaenyra’s side. 

“Yes, and bed rolls to sleep on in case we did not find them by daybreak,” added Jace. 

“Wine, Mother?” Aegon offered her his wineskin. Alicent looked at the skin, then her son. An olive branch, she assumed. She took it, uncorked the stopper and gulped some. A drink might calm her nerves, which buzzed enough to shake her bones. “Jace, Luke and I will set up a fire,” he told her, putting the cork back on for her. “You can divide up the provisions and Helaena and Rhaenyra can send off the dragons. They can patrol the skies for right now.” 

Alicent did not disagree. Dividing food and supplies gave her mind something to do while she impatiently waited for Lord Corlys. Everyone went their separate ways to their various tasks. They’ve managed to end up where Aemond is. If the Seven favored her, he might end up wandering into the camp and she can take him home. 

And then what? Lock him in the highest tower forever? He’d resent her for the rest of their lives if she did that. As she unloaded the sacks the children brought with them, she pictured herself in Aemond’s shoes. Well, she’d once been in them. Her son mustered the courage she never had. He’d left everything and everyone he knew to begin a new life in an unfamiliar place with his beloved. Yes, you are his beloved. He’d said so in all the letters he’d written you. Aemond wrote poem and poem declaring his love; he’d written at length about how being without you tortured him. She’s certain you’d responded the same way. How could she ruin that? She’d be no better than her father. 

“You should take off your shoes.” Rhaenyra appeared beside her, spreading a blanket to place the food on. “They’re soaked from the water.”

Alicent wiggled her toes in her wet shoes and stockings. She should’ve been more careful where she dismounted. Alicent kicked them off, along with her stockings. They’d dry on their own soon enough. Quietly busying herself with the provisions, she thought back to what Rhaenyra told her. Her children will be safe. She’d be safe. She caught sight of Aegon lighting a fire. He is the challenge. Many people said Viserys should have named him heir at birth, but he never did. He feared losing his daughter. If Rhaenyra wanted to remain uncontested, she’d need to remove any other claimants.

Rhaenyra wouldn’t. 

She’d never hurt her children. The moment in Driftmark made them both lose sense and sight. If they’d talked alone without interference from her father and husband, they might have found common ground. But, she’d let years of resentment and loss and longing start an inferno in her heart. She told herself over and over that Rhaenyra’s blatant treason was what upset her. That she’d committed adultery, mothering bastards with Harwin Strong, and subsequently putting her life at risk. But, turning to look at Rhaenyra, feeling her close and working together, she accepted the truth at last. It had not been the treason that could cost Rhaenyra her life if revealed. It had not been Viserys’s blindness or his unconditional love and favor for his daughter. 

It’d been because Rhaenyra chose Harwin. 

She’d shut Alicent out once she became her stepmother, and walked into the strong arms of Harwin. Even if undercover, she’d given her heart and soul to Harwin. She’d taken it from Alicent that night and given it to him. 

“Did you love him?” she heard herself ask before she could stop. 

“What?” Rhaenyra heard her. She had to be in their close proximity, but it was a ruse. It was a chance to retract the question. 

“Did you love him? Rhaenyra, did you love him?”

She did not answer immediately. Alicent watched her carefully place a bundle of apples in one corner, arranging them without thinking. She saw the wheels turning. Rhaenyra bit the inside of her cheek, a thing she often did when in thought. Alicent saw the answer in her hands. Yes, she had. 

“I did,” she finally said, the words staying between them and not floating away. “He came into my life during a very vulnerable time. He sensed my loneliness, my sadness, and lifted me from it. I felt trapped, and he comforted me. I did not feel lost with Harwin. I felt safe and secure in my position at home; I felt I could go onwards with him by my side.”

Alicent turned away. A hollow feeling buried itself into her chest. She’d been that person once, and she’d betrayed her. She’d set aside a sack of berries when Rhaenyra’s hand stopped her. When she looked up, she saw tears in the princess’s eyes. 

“I went to him because I’d lost you,” she whispered. “I’d lost you to my father…to the kingdom…to your father,” her voice hissed at the last word. “When you married my father, I resented you because you lied to me. You never told me about your meetings, or that you’d seduced my father into loving you-”

“-I did not ‘seduce’ your father. It was the ambition of my father who’d pushed me into your father. He…” she paused, taking a breath, “He wanted so badly to have a grandchild on the throne, he sacrificed me. In turn, I sacrificed the things I’d held so dear to me; I casted them aside for a ‘greater purpose’.” She thought back to her father telling her to comfort the king after his wife’s death. She knew his plan then, but young Alicent only obeyed her father’s orders. “I’d hoped your father would not favor me. I hoped he’d still see me as his daughter’s childhood companion, a girl not much older than her. I prayed, even, that he chose Laena Velaryon over me. He’d gain more from her than from me. But, my father’s plan worked. Your father chose me for his wife, and…And I lost you.”

“Why did you not tell me?”

“I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you every time we went to the strawberry patch in the gardens; I wanted so badly to reveal it to you, but I feared the outcome.” She rested her hands in her lap, starting to pick at the skin on her nail beds. She carved into it with her nail, pushing the skin away from the nail. It hurt a bit, but it did not bother her. “I feared what might happen if we’d been discovered by the wrong person. My father told me what they’d done to Ser Hoster when they found him abed with his squire. I’ve heard the things people say about your husband, and what’ll occur if it ever came to light. I was scared, Rhaenyra,” she could not look at her. Tears stung her eyes, adding to the self-mutilation on her fingers. “I was scared just as I am now.”

“I did not know then,” Rhaenyra said. “I thought you’d done it on purpose, to hurt me for some reason unknown to me. Perhaps, deep down in my silly dreams, I’d hoped we could still be together somehow, some way. But, knowing you’d married my father and he’d bedded you…I do not know, it…It sickened me.” She took Alicent’s hand to stop her picking. “Then, after Daemon returned from the Stepstones, I saw your unhappiness and knew I’d caused a portion of it. When you told me people only saw you as The Queen,” she caressed Alicent’s hand, fingers underneath her wrist, “I hoped we could mend what splintered.”

“Then you came to me in my bed, and once again…” she sniffled, “My fear kept me from going with you.”

“And my love for you kept me there.” 

Alicent looked at her with teary eyes. She clutched Rhaenyra’s wrist, turning slightly to face her. “We’re both mothers,” she began, “And we love our children. We’d do anything for them.” She rubbed her wrist, wanting to touch and feel her like before. She worried if she stopped, Rhaenyra would disappear. “Forgive me, Rhaenyra. Forgive me for all of it? For every disparaging remark or thinly veiled insult? For demanding your son’s eye in return for Aemond’s? For destroying…” she took a deep breath, “For destroying us. Do you forgive me for destroying us?” 

“You did not destroy us. I did.” She touched her back, and it melted everything inside her. “I did the night your boy lost his eye.” She sniffled, “Y/N implored me to speak with you after it happened. She said it could be mended if we’d both spoken in private; if we’d truly aired our feelings and discussed them. But, I’d been too stubborn and hurt to approach you. After what you’d said to me, after the knife slipped, I did not know if it was possible.” Their eyes met again, “Years of jealousy, betrayal, and bitterness have built up this wall between us that made you feel so unreachable. That wall was put there by both of us, and the world in which we live in. So much…So much ripped us apart, I did not know if it could ever be restored.” 

“I’d been too wrapped in my grief and worry for my son that the thought did not occur to me. What I said that night…Forgive me for it. Please.”

“You did not lie. I know my father’s favor is what keeps my sons and myself alive. I abused it that night. I needed to protect my sons; protect them from the whispers being spread about them. I should never have asked Aemond to be questioned, but you must understand, my sons…Their lives would be in danger if the truth ever came out.”

“Why, Rhaenyra?” she asked. “You knew your indiscretion with Harwin could put your life at risk; your sons’ lives at risk. Why?”

She shook her head, “I cannot honestly say. I loved Harwin. I did not wish for it to happen, but it did, and I have no regrets. Harwin gave me three beautiful sons, whom I love more than my own life.” She then asked, “Did you fear for your childrens’ lives, Alicent? Is that why you advocated for Aegon to be heir for so long? You know your son is not fit for the throne. This little stunt of his does not prove he could be-”

“-Of course I fear for them. I fear for them every day,” she cut her off. “Aegon and Aemond are true born sons of the King. They have their own claims to the throne, which someone might decide is a threat and kill them.” 

“You believe I’d do such a thing, Alicent?”

“Your sons took my son’s eye. What would stop them or any of your supporters from killing him?”

“I would stop them,” she said firmly, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I would stop them before they even thought of raising their swords. Alicent,” she implored, “What happened to Aemond is terrible. I cannot fathom the pain it’d brought you to see him in so much pain. My sons did not intend to hurt him; they only defended themselves. As did your Aemond,” she added before Alicent could interrupt. “But, I would never put a sword to your sons or daughter. They are my blood. They are…” she paused, “They are a part of you. Killing them would be the equivalent of killing you. That is something I truly could not bear.” 

Tears fell freely down their faces. Alicent’s heart laid bare on the floor for Rhaenyra to pick up and take with her. The hole in her chest ached to be filled once more by her love. She’d missed her in The Red Keep. She’d missed their talks in the godswood, their walks in the palace gardens, and being at each other’s side always. The Keep feels colder and lonelier than ever before. She wanted to say this. The words tittered on the tip of her tongue, but Alicent could only weep. 

“Rhaenyra, I-”

“-Mother! Mother, look!”

The two women turned from each other to see a pale green dragon land on the other side of the dunes, her pale horns pearly white. On her saddle sat Baela Targaryen, who grinned at them both from her seat. Rhaenyra and Alicent wiped their cheeks, and went with their children to greet Baela. She forced herself to push the conversation from her mind, yet it lingered as she walked. As she finished hugging her cousins, Baela looked at Rhaenyra. 

“Have you found Y/N yet?” she asked hopefully. 

“Not yet,” Rhaenyra answered. “We are waiting for your grandfather to arrive.”

“He set out as soon as the guards told him about Starshine,” Baela told her. “I saw her flying when I first set out, and tried following her, but she’s too fast for Moondancer.”

“It is good you did not follow. Y/N might’ve told her not to land near here,” Rhaenyra told her. “Come, get warm near the fire and eat something.” 

Their conversation put to rest for now, Alicent and Rhaenyra joined their children by the fire and eagerly waited for Lord Corlys. 

***

As husband and wife now, you permitted Aemond to sleep inside the bed roll, rather than on top. You welcomed his warmth underneath the thin blankets; clinging to him shielded you from the cool winds that came in through the window. Finding a comfortable position proved difficult in the beginning, since neither of you wanted to inconvenience the other, but soon you found a position you liked. His arm around your waist, he laid on his back while you snuggled to his side. It was another step into being married. If you’re married, you’re allowed to share a bed. 

In the twilight between sleep and awake, you thought you heard a faint screech from outside. The winds briefly flurried and whacked branches into the window sill before going completely still again. You heard the sound again, but closer. 

“Aemond…” you mumbled and wiped your nose, “Aemond, I think there’s…a dragon…out-outside.”

“It’s nothing, my love,” Aemond replied, not opening his eyes and pulling you close. “Go…back to sle-e-ep.” 

“Hmm, alright.” 

The noises outside did not bother you any further. 

***

Lord Corlys’s ship appeared on the horizon around dawn. Rays of orange and yellow broke through the black sky, banishing night and giving way to morning. Rhaenyra found sleep difficult at the beginning. She kept picturing you somewhere deep in the forest, wandering aimlessly with Aemond beside you. Rhaenyra only found comfort when she reassured herself that you are fearless. Cautious, yes, but fearless. You would've adapted to your situation, and found ways to get water and food. You also had Aemond, who’d no doubt have some form of wilderness skills. Suddenly, she'd fallen asleep and seconds later was woken up again. 

"Mother, Grandfather is here," said Luke, his face inches from hers. 

"Oh, gods, Luke, please."

She gently moved him away and sat up. Across from her, through the dimness of morning, she spotted Alicent already standing. Their conversation the previous night returned like a dream. It'd been as you suggested: both women finally airing some of their grievances with each other. Their hearts finally spilled out onto the floor, and neither one held back. A weight, she felt, slightly lifted itself from her shoulders. Alicent did not hate her. She had in fact resented her for the freedoms she enjoyed, and believed she'd been replaced by Harwin. She thought Rhaenyra truly stopped loving her. How she wished to prove differently. 

She saw Alicent in Harwin’s dark curls, and her smirk in his sly smiles. 

She thought of her every time she ate a candied lemon off a cake and when a maid poured her sweet cream for her fruits. 

Every time Alicent Hightower crossed her mind, her heart shed another piece away. 

"Lord Corlys," Alicent greeted the sea lord as he approached. "I am glad to see you arrived safely."

"As am I, Your Grace," he bowed, long locs swinging from his shoulders. "The seas around this island can be rough if one does not know how to navigate them. It makes me glad Prince Aemond and Y/N took their dragons."

She shuddered briefly, picturing it, and pushed it away at once. "Has there been any sign of them?" he asked them. 

"Not since we arrived," Rhaenyra answered, walking up to him. "It was too dark to search with the few we have. I take it you've brought more men."

"I have," he nodded over to the shoreline where she spotted more rowboats coming to the shore. "Once everyone is here, we can divide up the parties. Dragonriders may take to the skies, while we go on foot."

"Can you tell us anything you know about this place, Lord Corlys?" Alicent asked, a plea laced in her voice. 

"There was once a village here, that I know," he answered. "But, it’s been abandoned for decades and therefore inhabitable. The children will be foolish to try staying in those buildings. I imagine they must've set up camp by a water source, if we're lucky." He looked at the sky above, "It is strange. I have not yet seen or heard Starshine or Vhagar."

"I find that strange as well," Rhaenyra agreed. "Dragons typically stay near their riders, and Starshine isn't one to leave Y/N alone."

"And we would've seen Vhagar," Baela came to her grandfather's side and hugged him. "She's big."

"I assume the children ordered them to stay away to avoid being caught." He kept Baela close as he said, "What were they thinking?" He sighed, "Coming here of all places. How could they expect to survive?"

"It must’ve been Aemond’s idea," said Alicent. "Ser Criston often takes him and Aegon on hunting trips. My son learned a lot from him. I am confident he's kept them both fed and watered at least."

She sounded as if she tried convincing herself more than anyone else. Rhaenyra put a hand on her back to comfort her, and she felt the queen's shoulders loosen. 

"They'll be fine. We only need to find them."

"If they wish to be found."

Rhaenyra knows you'll put up a fight. You will not leave so easily; if you caught a whiff of them, you'll run off again. It's what she would do if she was you. Lord Corlys, Aegon and the other boys circled a map Corlys brought along with him. Faded and withered, the copy was legible, so easier to organize search parties in various areas. Rhaenyra only cared about finding you. You mattered above everything else. An hour later, she spotted Seasmoke, a gray and silver dragon, flying through the sky towards them. She greeted Laenor and Ser Criston when they arrived. 

"Our girl?" Laenor asked her. When she shook her head, he said, "Well, I spotted Starshine in the skies to the east, so we must be in the right place.” 

“I hope so,” she frowned. “Your father is organizing groups to search the forest.”

“I will ride Seasmoke,” he told her, “And scan the island for a sign of them.” 

“No,” Rhaenyra said suddenly. When he gave her a puzzled look, she continued, “If they see dragons in the sky, they’ll be compelled to run off again.” He appeared unconvinced, so she said, “You know she’ll run if she thinks we’ve found them.”

“Rhaenyra, we need to use whatever resources we have to find them. The dragons are the best way to do that,” he told her, taking her hand to squeeze it gently. “They cannot run if they don’t have their dragons to ride.”

“They’ll find a new place to hide on the island then. Laenor, Y/N is stubborn and willful. You know she is, and she won’t give up Aemond so easily.”

“She wouldn’t have to give him up if you and the queen hadn’t…” he stopped himself from finishing. “Let us focus on finding Y/N and bringing her home.”

She knew what he meant to say. If her and Alicent made amends after Driftmark, then there’d be no broken betrothal. Did he believe she did not know that? That she felt no guilt or responsibility for causing this? If she’d tried speaking to Alicent and convincing her to reinstate the betrothal for their childrens’ sake, then you’d be home right now. She followed Laenor to the main group, noticing Ser Cole with Alicent. Seeing their heads close together, she guessed Ser Criston is giving his queen a report. Rhaenyra recalled their conversation once again, and forced herself to look away from her. 

That was when she spotted the empty bed rolls near the campfire. Aegon and Jace gave their rolls to their mothers, but Luke, Helaena, and Baela slept on their own. Her eyes swept the area for her sons, hoping that she must’ve missed them in the group of people settled on the beach. She even turned to the skies to see none of the dragons in the clouds. She walked around the occupied space, her breath growing heavier as her heart pounded. Seven Hells, they’d done it again. How? When? She’d woken up to Luke’s sweet smile inches from hers. How could they have snuck off so quickly? 

“Where are the children?” she asked Alicent, touching her forearm. 

“The children?” She then glanced around the beach, looking off into the distance beyond before realizing it herself. “They wandered off.”

“Or went to look for Aemond and Y/N.” 

“Ugh, Aegon!” she grunted, stomping her foot in the sand. “Ser Criston!” she walked over to the knight, “Aegon and the other children aren’t here.”

“Prince Aegon told us they’d be going on ahead together,” he said innocently. “Why do you ask…” he then mentally kicked himself, “That rascal.”

“Everyone is aware of my son’s proclivity for lying,” she hissed. “Why do people continuously believe him?” Rhaenyra recognized the anger starting to rise in her tone, and took her forearm again, gently rubbing the space under her arm. “Rhaenyra, I swear it,” she said, “He does it on purpose.”

“Or perhaps he believes he needs to prove himself?”

Alicent hesitated, taking a breath. “Let us go and look for them. They cannot have gone that far.”

“Unless they went on their dragons.”

“Oh Gods,” she growled, “Those damnable beasts…Lord Corlys is arranging groups to go into the forest for Y/N and Aemond. Now, we have to find the others on top of them as well.” 

“We’ll go together,” she comforted Alicent. “They cannot have gone far.” 

Alicent took a deep breath, and Rhaenyra noticed the raw skin around her nails. She put one hand over them, growing slightly. She must’ve done it throughout the night as she tossed and turned. They shared a glance, before Alicent looked away guiltily. 

“Come, Your Grace.”

****

Aemond and you set out for the village after a small breakfast. Since you’d been more concerned with shelter at the time, you’re sure the both of you overlooked useful items. Aemond brought his bow, while you carried a small knife on your belt. You insisted upon having your own weapon on the chance you are separated. 

The village remained as deserted as the day you’d first arrived. The storefronts, dusty and grimy, had broken glass or charred sills. The natural world reclaimed the area humanity took by growing through the cracks in the floor, and growing vines up the sides of buildings. Birds made their nests high on the rooftops and chimneys of some shacks; you suspected thousands of insects and arachnids made their homes inside the walls and dark places in the buildings. You walked carefully through the market square, where you imagined dozens of people bustling around in its prime. Merchants must’ve had stalls for their various wares; bakers put pies and baskets of bread to sell from their windows, and an apothecary likely handed out remedies and healing concoctions to customers. It was a shell of the village back on Dragonstone. You spotted a tavern, where you pictured fishermen and farmers going after a long day in the sun. Childishly, you saw yourself and Aemond among them. He’d have come home from fishing or hunting or farming, while you laundered and mended clothes or tidied the house or made dinner for you both.  It sounded lovely compared to court life, a vicious pit of vipers and flatterers. 

You longed for it more when you added your family into the picture. 

“We’ll start in here,” he nodded to one of the buildings. “I think it was an apothecary,” he nudged a broken sign on the front with his foot. 

You agreed, and followed him inside. Dusty bottles and jars remained cracked or broken on the shelves, the glass crunching underneath your boots when you walked. You remained near Aemond while inspecting the shelves, which didn’t have much to offer but the occasional insect or dried up plants. The ages hadn’t been kind to the village, it seemed. But, you did find a selection of books underneath the bar. 

“Look,” you picked out one gingerly, feeling the thick soot on its leather spine. “I found a book.” 

“What book?”

The cover bore no title, but once you opened it, you noticed it was a ledger. Faded letters read the names, amounts and items each person bought; no doubt the shopkeeper kept a record of his inventory and coin. Aemond retrieved a second, smaller book. 

“This one must’ve been their guide,” Aemond said, flipping through the pages carefully. “For the different herbs and plants that can be used.” He read a bit into one part, “It tells you how to use their seeds and make oils too. We could use this.” He put it in his bag, then said, “Do you think they grew them here?”

“It’s possible. I can’t see where they’d get them otherwise.”

You abandoned the books for the door behind the counter. It was a workshop; the workbench and equipment  proved as much. Aemond delicately picked up a mortar and pestle left on the table, the stone smooth on his fingertips. 

“Maybe we can use this?” he asked, “For food?” 

“Hm,” you examined it next, then said, “We could.” 

You tucked both objects into your satchel, and continued looking around. After finding a few bowls, you decided the shop carried nothing else, and moved on through the back door. In bushes underneath the window, you saw overgrown plants with red fruit hanging from the vines. Tomatoes. How have tomatoes managed to grow out here? Rain? You took the ripe ones, then followed Aemond to the next shop, the bakery. 

“A wheelbarrow,” he said, finding a disused wheelbarrow beside a large, rusty furnace. “We can hold stuff in here whenever we go out.”

“Good find,” you nodded your approval. 

You each put your belongings inside it, then went into the bakery. Of course, no bread or baked goods were found, but you placed a wicker basket, wooden spoons, a tray, and a semi-rusted pan you found near the brick oven. A good cleaning will make them all usable, you decided. The best find turned out to be a small barrel of salt that had withstood the years. Aemond proclaimed not only could it be used for cooking, but also preserving foods, so hunting doesn’t need to be daily. The bakery being stripped, the tavern and several other shops came after. Whatever glasses hadn’t been smashed ended up in your wheelbarrow, as well as blankets or bags for storage. You had also found a large basin and a washer board for clothing. You have no oils to give them a smell, but hot water will get them cleaner. 

Picking whatever flowers the book deemed edible or at least useful filling your new basket, the both of you set back home. Each of you holding a side of the wheelbarrow, you felt good about what you’d found. Little by little, you were building your own home, and you loved it. 

“I am glad we came here,” you told Aemond halfway down the path out of town. “I think we would’ve liked it here if there’d been people.”

“Me too,” he nodded. “But I like that there isn’t anyone here.”

“Why is that?”

He put down his side of the wheelbarrow, so you put down yours. “Because then I can kiss you as much as I want,” he smirked before doing just that. You’d become addicted to Aemond’s kisses, your cheeks heating up every time you did it. It made you feel more “married”. When he broke away, he said, “And there is nobody to stop me.”

“Except me.”

“Except you,” he nodded. 

You stared at one another for a moment. Having him this close to you still made your heart race. He was right. No meddling mothers, no fussy septas, no annoying brothers were around. It is only you and him. Pecking his lips one more time, you smiled and took up your half of the wheelbarrow again. 

“We should refill our waterskins and the bucket,” you said, smiling at his dreamy eyes. “We’re running low on water.”

“We’ll go once we’ve put everything back at the house.” He lifted his side, then said, “I can fish in the lake too, if Vhagar and Starshine don’t come down for another drink.” 

You vaguely recalled the noise you’d heard last night. “Do you think they’d been flying around here last night?” 

“I suppose. I was sleeping.”

Knots filled your stomach thinking of another possibility. You knew as well as Aemond that your families will eventually appear. They’d rip you both apart, and you’d never see him again. Walking in silence, you decided you won’t let that happen. You’d fight for him. You’ll run away again; you’ll both go farther away where you cannot be found. Looking at him walking beside you, spending all this time with him, how could she expect you to want another? How can they expect you to simply walk away from him into the arms of some nameless, faceless lordling? You’d meant every word under that heart tree. You’ll never leave him. 

Coming back home, you both unloaded the wheelbarrow, and Aemond placed it near the front door. You started putting your newest floral finds in jars on the shelves. The apothecary guide book stayed on another shelf where you’d stocked the rest of your books, papers, and slate. Aemond sat at the table to try cleaning off the arrowheads he’d found in the blacksmith shop, while you knocked your basket against the edge to shake out bugs or reptiles nested inside. 

“What do you think of these as curtains?” you held up the thin sheets you’d found in- what you assumed- was a seamstress’s shop. “They’re a bit mothy and smelly, but I think if I wash them well, and we use the nails to hang them, we can close them at night.” 

“Hm, that’ll be nice. They can keep out the wind at night at the very least.” He touched the tip of one arrowhead, “These aren’t as sharp as I thought. Good thing I found the whetstone too.” 

“I’m sure they will still get the job done.” You picked through the other fabrics and sewing supplies you found, keeping it in a basket, “I found this old leather. I can try fashioning you a new patch? That cloth doesn’t hold well and I can tell it bothers you.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” he grumbled, using a whetstone now. 

“It does.” You put aside the strip of leather, thread and needle before walking over to him. “We should go to the lake now. Maybe we can perhaps have lunch there too?”

“Sounds lovely.”

He stood up, kissed you, and gathered his bow and arrow sheath again. You dumped the waterskins, pail and the tub into the wheelbarrow and walked through the thicket of trees and shrubbery to the lake. You’d been discussing the newest book you’d found in the shop when darkness fell over you both through the forest canopy. Standing still, you tried seeing the dragon’s underbelly through the leaves above, but the thick layers of branches and trees made it discernible. 

“Must be Starshine,” Aemond concluded, beginning to walk again. 

“Starshine is faster than that.”

“She might be slowing down for Vhagar to catch up. She’s not as fast since she carries so much weight.”

“Not to mention she’s a hundred-and-thirty years old.”

“And still as fierce as her younger days.” 

You found his constant need to defend his elderly dragon sweet. “She and Starshine seem to get on well,” you noted, careful not to trip over anything. “I once feared Vhagar might try to eat her.”

“I worried the same. Vhagar isn’t one to spend too much time around other dragons. She’s often alone, but since she met your dragon,” he looked up into the sky, “They seem to be together a lot.”

“Like us,” you grinned. 

“Like us,” he nodded with a smile. 

You expected to find the pair at the lake, but they weren’t there. They must’ve flown to the ocean for bigger prey. It didn’t matter. It made you happy to see Starshine having an older dragon friend. 

“I’ll collect sticks for a fire,” you said to him, “And you’ll fill the skins?”

“And fish,” he lifted a spear he’d made. 

You both nodded, then began your tasks. Walking back to the treeline by the lake, you grabbed whatever sticks and twigs you could use for a fire. Having a meal by the water sounded so tranquil. It made you wonder why you hadn’t done it before. You’d thought of making a fire pit with stones when a noise caught your attention. Looking up from the floor, you stared around the area around you. You held your breath, your body going still as you tried catching more sounds. When you heard a faint crack from farther away, you picked up one last stick and slowly walked backwards. Shadows and figures started forming in your mind, and put them between trees and bushes in the distance. You’re being ridiculous. There is nobody on this island but you and Aemond. Still, you stayed alert on your way back to the lake. 

Quietly, you started building the fire in the shade of the trees, while occasionally glimpsing Aemond in the water. Spear held up, violet eyes remained focused on the water. You tried your best not to pay too much attention to the woods behind you. If you kept your mind focused on other things, then the less likely anything would happen. As a fire finally kindled in your small pit, Aemond returned with a fish on the end of his spear. 

“I finally caught one,” he beamed, his breeches and shirt wet from standing in the water. “There are plenty more in the lake, so I can try later. Once they’re cooked, we can salt them in the larder for a while.” 

“That’s wonderful,” you replied, trying to keep the worry out of your tone. “Do you wish for me to prepare it?”

“I can gut it,” he said, taking a seat by the crackling fire, “I’ll cook it this time.” 

“Fair.” 

You took a seat beside him, and pulled out the small sewing kit you’d tucked into your bag. The leather strip in your lap, you used a knife to cut out a pattern. It wouldn't be the prettiest patch, but Aemond preferred function over fashion. Aemond quietly removed the bones and guts from the fish, which you tried not noticing as you started sewing pieces closed. 

“I don’t need a new patch,” Aemond insisted stubbornly, putting the fish onto the tarnished pan. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course you do,” you replied, making another stitch to close off one strap. “That cloth doesn’t fit you properly.”

“It does too.”

“It falls off whenever your head is down too long. Also, it’s dirty and I don’t wish for it to affect your eye.”

“How could it do that?” he snorted, “It’s already healed.”

“I don’t know,” you said, head up slightly, “But you need something more permanent.”

“It’s fine, Y/N.”

“Ooh, can a wife not do something nice for her husband?” your annoyance flared slightly at his teasing smile. 

“Alright, fine,” he said, pulling out innards from the dead fish. “If you insist, dear wife.” 

“Good.” 

You managed to make one strap by the time he started cooking the fish. Then, you paired the fish with water and berries you’d picked yesterday. You both lounged near the lake for a time, the hours slowly creeping along to give you more sunshine. You took a break from your sewing to dip into the water. You took off your boots, shirt and breeches until you only wore your linen small clothes. The shyness from the first time disappeared, and you felt Aemond’s eyes on you as you dove into the water.  He continued spearing more fish to take back home, but you knew he watched you. You floated on your back near him, shutting your eyes and letting the water drift you around. A natural luxury you’d never find at home. When your body accidentally brushed into Aemond, you giggled. 

“It isn’t my fault,” he suddenly said when you laughed harder. “You’re…You…” 

“I’m not naked.”

“You might as well be.” 

You opened your eyes to see his back towards you. Much like the last time you swam in the lake, you stood up from the water and looked at him. He stood awkwardly with his hands in front of him, and you stifled a giggle. 

“I think I will go back to the house,” you said, cheeks heating despite the cool water on them. “I might start on the curtains now, so then we can have them at night.”

“Yes, you, um…should.”

“Be careful, Aemond,” you told him as you started walking away, “I think there might be an animal somewhere in the forest. I heard it when I was collecting wood.”

“I will.”

You left Aemond in the water, gathered up your sewing kit and the unfinished patch, and went back towards the house. You’ll admit knowing you had that effect on Aemond inflated your pride. Water streamed down your legs, and plastered your clothes to your skin by the time you returned to the cabin. A slight chill made you shiver, so you stripped off the soaked clothes to dry in the sun, while you wandered around the cabin in your nightgown instead. You’d started measuring the thin curtain fabric at the windows when you heard Aemond return. 

“Do you think we should make them long?” you asked without looking at him, standing by the windows. You heard him putting down belongings on the side table near the door. Weapons and boots are always by the door. “Long curtains might keep out insects and more wind, but then I lose fabric I could use for something else.” 

“Whatever you wish is fine, my love.”

“I would still like your opinion on them,” you stretched out the fabric once you nailed it to the window’s corner. It reached well past the window sill by several inches. You felt you’d be wasting fabric by leaving them long. “This is your house as well.” 

“It does not mean much to me either way, Y/N,” he said. Footsteps moved around behind you, and you heard the scraping of the salt barrel. “I need to cut and salt these before they spoil.”

“Do it outside,” you told him. “It’ll stink of fish in here otherwise.” 

Aemond chortled, “As you wish, dear wife.” 

You heard the continued dragging of the small barrel on the floor before it suddenly stopped. Deciding on shorter curtains, you took up your knife and attempted to cut a straight line. 

“Now,” you said, turning to face him, “What do you thi-Aemond? What’s wrong?”

For Aemond stared at the window, completely still and focused on something outside. “Aemond?” you called to him again before walking over. When you stepped within a foot of him, he stopped you with his hand. “Aemond, you’re scaring me. What is it?”

Slowly, Aemond reached for his sheath of arrows and bow. “Stay in the house,” he whispered over his shoulder. He flinched a moment, then became fully stiff. “Bar the door. Don’t come outside, no matter what happens.”

“Aemond,” you squeaked. You looked out the window to see nothing but the greenery a few yards from your cabin. It reminded you of the sounds you’d heard in the forest by the lake, and the hairs on your neck stood up. 

“Just stay here.” 

You reached out for him when he began to move away, “No, Aemond. Stay here with me, please.”

“Keep quiet,” he hushed you, “And keep yourself hidden.”

You bit your lower lip, and stuck yourself to the side of the window facing the forest. Following Aemond with your eyes, your nails dug into the wooden frame and you chewed your lip. Your senses and nerves braced themselves for an attack; your toes curled inward, and a slew of scenarios crossed your mind. Pirates, bandits, feral people, or a wild predator might come flying out of those bushes and kill Aemond. Then, they’d come after you in the cabin, and you whimpered to yourself. Aemond withdrew an arrow from his sheath, notching it on his bow, and stretching it far back to his cheek. His one good eye stayed trained on the space between the bushes. The faint sounds of footsteps cracking the dried leaves and twigs on the ground came through; voices followed it. Voices meant people. You quickly reached for the nearest object, Aemond’s sword, and held it tightly in your hand. 

You wished he’d stayed inside with you. 

Right as the bushes parted, Aemond let his arrow fly. 

****

A/N: A cliffhanger leaving the question of not ‘what’ has found them, but ‘who’? As always, thank you so much for reading this. I always appreciate any feedback you guys have for me <3 

[tybaltsjuliet]

“Eight o’clock, Bill,” said Nancy, when the bell ceased.

“What’s the good of telling me that; I can hear it, can’t I?” replied Sikes.

“I wonder whether they can hear it,” said Nancy.

“Of course they can,” replied Sikes. “It was Bartlemy time when I was shopped; and there warn’t a penny trumpet in the fair, as I couldn’t hear the squeaking on. Arter I was locked up for the night, the row and din outside made the thundering old jail so silent, that I could almost have beat my brains out against the iron plates of the door.”

“Poor fellow!” said Nancy, who still had her face turned towards the quarter in which the bell had sounded. “Oh, Bill, such fine young chaps as them!”

“Yes; that’s all you women think of,” answered Sikes. “Fine young chaps! Well, they’re as good as dead, so it don’t much matter.”

With this consolation, Mr. Sikes appeared to repress a rising tendency to jealousy, and, clasping Oliver’s wrist more firmly, told him to step out again.

“Wait a minute!” said the girl: “I wouldn’t hurry by, if it was you that was coming out to be hung, the next time eight o’clock struck, Bill. I’d walk round and round the place till I dropped, if the snow was on the ground, and I hadn’t a shawl to cover me.”

“And what good would that do?” inquired the unsentimental Mr. Sikes. “Unless you could pitch over a file and twenty yards of good stout rope, you might as well be walking fifty mile off, or not walking at all, for all the good it would do me. Come on, and don’t stand preaching there.”

The girl burst into a laugh; drew her shawl more closely round her; and they walked away. But Oliver felt her hand tremble, and, looking up in her face as they passed a gas-lamp, saw that it had turned a deadly white.

this scene haunts me. it’s the perfect buildup to nancy almost - but not quite! - going rogue later in the chapter, her despair and horror over the life she leads... and the life that sikes leads, for that matter.

i am always in a state of jury’s still out on how the book version of sikes actually feels about nancy. but i am always surprised to remember that her devotion to him above everything - including her own well-being - was not just an invention of later adaptations to make her more tragic, but is horribly present all through the book.

here is what charlie d. himself had to say about them, in his preface to a later edition in 1867:

It has been observed of Nancy that her devotion to the brutal housebreaker does not seem natural. And it has been objected to Sikes in the same breath- with some inconsistency, as I venture to think- that he is surely overdrawn, because in him there would appear to be none of those redeeming traits which are objected to as unnatural in his mistress. Of the latter objection I will merely remark, that I fear there are in the world some insensible and callous natures that do become utterly and incurably bad. Whether this be so or not, of one thing I am certain: that there are such men as Sikes, who, being closely followed through the same space of time and through the same current of circumstances, would not give, by the action of a moment, the faintest indication of a better nature. Whether every gentler human feeling is dead within such bosoms, or the proper chord to strike has rusted and is hard to find, I do not pretend to know; but that the fact is as I state it, I am sure.

It is useless to discuss whether the conduct and character of the girl seems natural or unnatural, probable or improbable, right or wrong. IT IS TRUE. Every man who has watched these melancholy shades of life, must know it to be so.

[rocketturtle4]

The Eclipse Takeaway - It's about the kindness

Alrighty folks I hadn’t decided whether I was going to write this post or not because all of ya'll already know the show is great, but right now I feel like doing it so might as well.

@wen-kexing-apologist @plantsarepeopletoo @thegalwhorants @grapejuicegay @dropthedemiurge you all enjoyed my eclipse journey so tagged in case you want to read this

I already did a much more self-indulgent post of how Akk affected me personally but I wanted to talk a bit about how much the kindness in this show resonated with me.

The Stairs Shot

The first time I was utterly struck by the kindness of the show was with this moment with Khan and Ayan on the stairs

After watching Khan spy Ayan with first Akk and then Thua, combined with his previous warnings to Thua, on how dangerous Aye was, I full expected this confrontation to BLOW UP.

The framing of this initial shot and the power dynamics implied by this difference in height did nothing to temper those expectations

And yet…

It doesn’t blow up, and not just because Ayan keeps a level head, but because Khan never loses his in the first place. He approaches the conversation softly, mostly trying to make sure that Ayan isn’t toying with Akk or Thua’s feelings and then apparently giving him his blessing to date Thua, even as Ayan correctly notes that Khan wishes to date Thua himself (even if he can’t admit that out loud.) This scene also resonated with me for the way, as both parties speak with kindness they move closer onto the same level (literally) as Ayan moves up the stairs.

The kindness makes them more equal.

This got me thinking about the way kindness to used in so many parts of the show to connect our isolated characters in together.

Khan being Bruce Wayne

Khan choosing to reach out to Thua via an anonymous internet friend is a beautiful example of this kindness, not for how it helps Thua (who I’ll get too) but for how it helps Khan. The closeness he gains through anonymity to check in on Thua and try to keep him safe makes him realise how much he wants to be able to do this in person. Which in turn leads to him prioritising Thua over his prefect responsibilities when he goes to the rally and reveals his identity.

Khan choosing kindness once, makes him more able to choose kindness again.

Uncle Dika

It is clear from the beginning of the show that Dika’s presence had a pretty clear impact on the school when he was there, at least for our main cast. Akks visceral feelings of betrayal at his absence come from the belief that someone he trusted has abandoned him for (he believes) no reason.

Dika’s kindness is seen again in the moment in episode 7 when Khan is acting out different characters (specifically the teachers) for his friends to guess and when he acts as Dika his words and actions are unbelievably kind and EVERYONE knows immediately who he is enacting despite the length of time it has been since they saw Dika (it’s also realistic enough to trigger poor Ayan)

Ayan himself is obviously a wonderful example of his uncle’s kindness with every flashback we see of them (and Chadok and Dika as well) is irrevocably altered by Dika’s kindness even though, with Dika’s death, we see Chadok’s regression and fear forcing him back into a space of repression and unkindness.

Ayan

Ayan is undoubtedly the heart of kindness in this show and it was so unexpected to me that, given what he knew from the beginning about Akk and his Uncle’s death, he continues to choose to be kind. This kindness is shown throughout the show to be the means of far greater change and persuasion than any other tactic used (Fear, Anger, Defiance, Hate, Financial Enticement, Neutrality etc.)

We see this with the World Remembers Gang, when he successfully gets them to leave their location with a quiet suggestion that they’ve done enough that day (Leading Akk to even more suspicions whoops)

We see this with Khan in the above conversation and again later with his encouragement to Khan to tell Thua the truth

We see this with Thua and the way Ayan notices he’s not okay and sets up the conversation with his mum. Ultimately, in my opinion, it is Ayan’s kindness that convinces Thua to fight for the change (regardless of what you think of his methods) where all the other pressure he was under only left him to sink down, Ayan’s kindness causes him to rise up.

Akk

Before I talk about Ayan’s kindness with Akk, I want to talk about Akk’s kindness with Ayan, because their entire relationship comes about (in my opinion) because even as they are suspicious of each other, they do remain fundamentally kind. We see this in the early stages most clearly in this moment

And when Akk asks the teachers to be responsible more managing Ayan.

But even before this, the sitting together in class and the volunteering to help train him in the martial arts class weren't steeped in malice. Yes, these things were about keeping tabs (and maybe wanting to be close for unacknowledged reasons) but regardless of complicated motivations Akk takes these things seriously and does not use them as a chance to bully or otherwise make Ayan’s life at school more difficult (think semantic error style) even if he wishes Ayan would just follow the rules already.

Additionally a key moment of understanding and softening between them comes from a moment of pure human kindness, when Ayan see’s Akk feeding the dog.

This friendliness builds up because as Akk remains kind, despite his suspicions, Ayan responds with kindness despite his suspicions (and actual knowledge of Akks actions)

Ayan again

Ayan’s support of Akk through all this is incredibly central to the story so I’m not going to go into it in detail. His kindness towards Akk extends to the point of covering up his wrong doing as he sees Akk for who he is and prioritises Akks mental safety over finding out the truth of his death. But all this came about because throughout their initial antagonism, harm was never Ayan's primary intent.

Another moment

Another moment which struck me on my initial watch through was this moment

Where Akk apologises to The World Remembers gang even as he follows his orders and takes away the things they’re using to protest. (I think it's around episode 10?) The shock and confusion on their faces as he does this, and their immediate relinquishing of their things compared to their loud anger over his removing them on other occasions (when in the past he stepped forward not with apology but instead with anger) highlights to me how he has changed, and how his new kindness de-escalates the situation (in much the same way Ayan’s had some episodes earlier).

Related thoughts on the Isolation of the Characters

The isolation of Akk, Thua and Khan at the start of the show is a grounded foundation. Akk is desperately scared of being perceived as weak (in terms of his authority and management - this later is added to by his fear of being gay), Khan is desperately scared of being perceived as Gay, Ayan is isolated as a newbie and Thua is isolated as an ?out gay person in the school. (Thua’s identity seems to be known by his classmates but not his teachers so not sure on the details here but he is definitely isolated). It is these characters reaching out to each other in kindness, and continuing to reach out to each other in kindness despite the difficulties that arise as their identities shift and grow that results in positive change within themselves and within the school.

Brief mention of Thua

Just to officially state my opinion on the record I am absolutely including Thua as part of this without caveat, he is the most isolated character and his change is wrought by Ayan’s kindness causing him to wish for change. His anger came from a place of hurt and I don’t view his actions as more extreme than Akks, especially as neither the banner or the fire were likely to hurt anyone. His goal of drawing attention to the wrongdoings of the school made sense and though it was NOT driven by kindness, it was pushed on by the desire to have a kind place for all people, (especially LGBTQIA+ people).

Forgiveness

I loved how everyone in episode 11 got to be angry, Thua at Ayan, Ayan at Chadok, Khan and Wat at Akk etc. They were allowed to have these emotions and express these emotions and in doing so they didn’t end their relationships or loose their friends. Everyone’s anger was used to create understanding because THEIR ANGER WAS MET WITH KINDNESS.

The forgiveness of ALL our teenagers in the final episode underlined this theme of kindness with the welfare teachers standing up for Akk and Thua, The World Remembers gang forgiving the boys because they sincerely apologised and were regretful.

And of course Akk coming out to his parents.

Final thoughts

Kindness isn’t perfect of course, in some ways Akks parent’s kindness lead to his own warped self image and Ayan’s kindness to Thua in part lead to some of the not kind choices he made.

Many shows have examples characters choosing not to forgive and that is a valid and healthy choice (one we could all stand to make more often). I’m not saying that always being kind to everyone is the right choice, and it’s certainly not a sustainable one.

Instead I’m highlighting how this show used kindness in defiance of isolation, in defiance of jealousy, in defiance of anger and in defiance of hate.

For the record, rating wise this show got 97% making it equal third overall out of 77 BLs and counting. I loved it for so many reasons and I honestly can’t wait to watch it again.

[nerdyvocals]

Remember when I introduced @look-at-those-niceass-rocks to Rise of the Pink Ladies and collected three rounds of unhinged quotes?

Well, I recently started them on Julie and the Phantoms, so enjoy this collection from episodes 1-3! We definitely didn't have this watch party almost a week ago and I definitely didn't forget to post this, shut up

Me: Once again, I have a list of characters I predict you will simp for Bee: Excellent, I cannot wait to be called out

Bee: That's the best way to get either the best hot dog in the world or food poisoning! Me: *bombastic side eye*

Alex: That's a new flavor... Bee: Oh they're gonna die Me: It is called Julie and the Phantoms! Bee: I thought it was an aesthetic choice!!!

*Ten seconds later* It was not an aesthetic choice

(About Julie) Oh it's adorable! Oh, it's traumatized!!

(About Luke) Oh, he's an idiot, I love him

Oh they're all idiots!!!

Me: This is a Kenny Ortega show, by the way Bee: That...so very tracks

Me: (About Luke) This man is so goddamn pretty it's not fair, I watched this the summer before my sophomore year of college and I cut the sleeves off all my shirts. I get such gender envy from this man, okay, he is so pretty and- I am just now realizing that he and Cynthia have the same haircut... I... I may have a type Bee: Whaaaaat? You? A Type? Nooooooo-

Me: They share custody of the braincell. Alex has it more often than not. Bee: I can see that. (a scene later) He (Reggie) sees the brain cell every other holiday.

Alex: -And I didn't get a hug from either of you! Bee: Me Reggie: Bring it in! Alex: Don't touch me! Me: Also you Bee: I feel personally attacked

I would also immediately wish for a puppy

Bee: (about Luke) He baby girl! Me: He so baby girl!!!

(Anytime Reggie and Luke sing into the same mic. Which happens... quite a bit in the first few episodes) Bee: Gay?? Kiss gay???

I don't know what he (Reggie) is but He Is Gay

(After that kid dragged his instrument down the steps) Bee (hyperventilating): PAUSE please, God, I need a fuckin' second, fuck! Me: hehehehe fuckin' band kid

(after the Ghostbusters bit, completely deadpan) That. Was fucking hysterical.

Bee: Is that fucking Seth Clearwater??? Me: I hate that that's what you know him as

Reggie and Luke: *singing into the same mic for the third time in as many episodes* Bee: The unfinished business is actually Kissing the Homies Goodnight

The following two quotes are honorable mentions from the little we watched of episode four before I had to leave to do Other Things

Both of us, simultaneously: I love High School Musical!!!

Me: Girl, he has been dead longer than you have been alive, that is a corpse- Bee: *in a jaunty little tune* Where is his corpse? It's in the ground! Play hide and seek, find his bones! Me: *shaking with repressed laughter* Bee: ...That was really fucking weird, I don't know why I- Me: *WHEEZE*

Part two can be found here!

[transboysokka]

Chris watches the muppet Christmas carol for the first time

full disclosure I have been imbibing alcohol as I tend to do for these things lol

I know this thing slaps and I actually have no idea how I’ve never seen this, I didn’t grow up in a particularly muppets-appreciating household I guess??

I don’t have the clearest memory of how the story goes aside from major plot points either so this should be fun

oh no someone’s being stolen

god my immediate reaction is we need more of these and we should just make a muppets version of every literature classic

Charles dickens, that guys gonzo right? I swear I know most of their names bc I watched Sesame Street as a kid

Right? All these guys are in Sesame Street?

ooooo the marleys, don’t remember the dead marleys, how intriguing

Ohhhhh it’s a MUSICAL?!?! the SMILE that just came across my face…

I know who plays Scrooge but I do love that we haven’t seen his face yet. Adds to the … worldbuilding? lol. And mystery

omg this is deep I’ve never considered Scrooge a victim of anything

I’m sorry I’m like five minutes into this and losing my mind at how much of a masterpiece this is

Ah face reveal. I’m sorry I’m like a huge Michael Caine stan

Wait what if he killed the marleys like as far as I remember that’s not what happened but WHAT IF HE DID

Okay real question is Scrooge canonically Jewish bc I’ve always had kind of an antisemitic caricature vibe about him which then would actually totally excuse his not celebrating Christmas

These bookkeepers are great

Fred lol

I do get an angry repressed gay vibe from Scrooge maybe he’s be less grumpy if he got a bf

Jacob and Robert Marley were OBVIOUSLY gay married and Scrooge wanted to be their third but never got up the guts to make it happen

Also they probably loved Christmas and so….

Okay I mean I see now that they are muppets and he is not so uh

I also see that they clearly do not love Christmas

What’s with the chains

Oh yeah I remember

Anyway yeah that scene w those guys was creepy

Where’s miss piggy, man ain’t she a muppet

I love the like narrator voyeurism going on

Omg tHIS GHOST IS CREEPY AF

It’s been a few minutes and I still don’t want to look at her

I’ve always been obsessed w how he did all this traveling in his nightie lol

His name is ebenezer so why do his school friends have such top-10 English names like Michael … more evidence for my theory…

Oh there’s a girl … yeah right…

“I love you” “you did once” OOF yeah he must be fully gay now I see the way he’s looking at her

I don’t care about this song at all move on please

And not a fan of old Scrooge singing with her

I’m sorry not to be heterophobic but this song seems to disrupt the whole vibe of the movie anyway

Next ghost is less creepy at least

I like the weird amusement Scrooge has about him

This song is good

The happiness Scrooge is slowly starting to show aww

this Santa Christmas ghost is definitely high off something

Oh yay Kermit cratchit is married to miss piggy. And their kids are so cute

God bless us, every one!

Wtf Santa’s all old now??

Lol remember having to start your life again every morning and dying every night

WTF WHY IS THIS NEXT GHOST SO SCARY TOO I’m starting to realize why my parents didn’t show this to me when I was a kid lol I was such a baby about creepy shit and STILL AM

And WTF IS THIS SPIDER THING idk if I like this movie so much anymore lol

Really love how accurate and faithful this is and it’s FOR KIDS/families

A Christmas Carol is actually about the journey of accepting one’s queer identity. In this essay I will

But it also really does feel like converting that poor Jewish man to Christmas-ianity omg I’ll have to check up on that

That turkey got a FAT ASS DAYUM

Buying the bookkeepers coal like I know they asked for it and it’s useful but it’s actually so funny

Fred’s wife looks 15 years old yikes

Why would Scrooge fuck w bob like that lmaooo

okay yeah that was cute though I’m glad I saw it

[omorinintendoswitchedition]

DMC Questions Anon here!

Before you read this next question:

I was informed that it would be a good idea for my questions to be answered with a specific tag so if people wish to block it they could. Please tag your answers to any question I send you with "dmc questions anon" and I think that should work.

If you wish to be taken off the list, ask. If somebody wishes to be placed on the list, ask. If your anon asks are off and you wish to participate, just make a post answering the question you see going around.

Remember you do not have to answer every question, so please don't feel pressured to do so.

Please also remember to take as long as you need! Do not rush yourself, this is supposed to be a fun activity and I don't want anyone to feel stressed out by trying to rush to answer questions.

Now onto the actual question:

How would you rank the 5 games in the Devil May Cry series? (By story)

Separately, if you want, how would you rank extended material? (The DMC1 Novel, The DMC3 Mangas, The Anime, The DMC2 Novel, Deadly Fortune, Before the Nightmare, and Visions of V, all of which can be found (along with other stuff) here: https://originaldmc.github.io/DivinityStatue/Downloads.html)

If you wish, how would you rank all of it together in one big list?

Omg hiii anon!!!!

I’m gonna be honest and say I haven’t made my way through all the dmc side content yet, I’ve only managed to read Visions of V so I guess I have to rank that number one. Ive also watched some of the anime, but not enough to really give it a firm rank. I’ve been kinda busy lately so I just haven’t had the time to finish reading all the novels

And onto the games!!!!!!

Number 5:Dead last

Devil May Cry 2. Okay yeah this should not be a surprise. DMC2 failed in pretty much every category when it comes to games. The story is just mind numbingly boring. Let’s move on

Number 4:Pretty Eh but doesn’t really hold up well with the later entries

Devil May Cry 1. Someone on Reddit said this the best but when you compare it to later entries DMC1 kinda feels like filler. I am all for a DMC1 remake of it means giving Mundus a much more satisfying ass whooping (and more screen time for Trish!!!! She deadass isn’t there for half the game!!!! I literally forgot she existed in that game halfway through!!!!)

Number 3:Concepts were great but man they missed some potential

Devil May Cry 4. The concepts of a religious cult ruling and island and creating angels from the power of demons rules. And putting us in a position where Dante was the “bad guy” was actually really cool. But half of the game is just backtracking as Dante which puts the story on hold. The scrapped concepts for DMC4 were so cool and so should’ve been included man :((

Number 2:Overcoming your daddy issues

Devil May Cry 3. Dante and Lady both had amazing arcs throughout this game. With Dante accepting his repressed past and demon side and proudly claiming himself as son of Sparda who harbours his soul. It’s enough to make a grown man cry. And Lady’s arc of learning that not all demons are evil, and finally being able to extract revenge on her father. And who can forget that famous “even a devil May cry when he looses someone he loves” line. And I ain’t gonna pretend Vergil wasn’t a banger part of this game’s story cause he was a banger part of this game’s story. A man who seeks power to the point of self-destruction. Who is just as fucked up as Dante but refuses to let himself feel those emotions, and instead filling the blanks with raw strength. And the post credits scene with Mundus…..biting and chewing and killing……ough the post credits scene with Mundus…..

Number 1:That’s intergenerational trauma babyyyy

Devil May Cry 5. As much as I mald and seethe about how dirty Lady and Trish were done in DMC5 I truly do fucking love DMC5. Watching Vergil finally gain the capability to express his emotions and be able to reconcile with his past and his trauma and work for a better future got me wailing and weeping. Watching Nero be able to prove that yes, he is powerful and capable as a devil hunter got me weeping and wailing. Seeing Dante and Vergil finally being able to reconstruct their sibling bond after so many years and keep their sibling rivalry on less violent terms got me weeping and wailing. Everything about V got me wailing and weeping. Nico was such a good addition to this franchise with her personality and how she bounces off the others with her snarky little remarks and was a good source of comedy relief during rough times. The passing of the torch moment was honestly so powerful and I’m actually really looking forward to seeing how Nero can carry on that torch through the series. And the references to the DMC anime in the forms of Patty and Morrison were really neat too.

[yourbespokeartisanalapocalypse]

We're on the cusp of October, the nights are drawing in, and I'm feeling the draw of the spooky and the gothic. I started watching Dog Soldiers the other day, got bored and turned it off.

Which made me wonder why I find vampires generally so fascinating and werewolves so...not fascinating (apologies to all the werewolf lovers out there). Here's another question: am I the only one who likes vampire films but gets squeamish about blood drinking? Like, seriously, the last time I tried to watch Interview with the Vampire I had to turn it off because of the way it visually focuses on blood drinking.

So why do I love vampire films? Partly, I think, because some of the best examples of traditional gothic settings (which I love) with the crumbling castles, swirling mist, etc., have been in vampire films. The idea of a being from an antique past lends itself well to that setting. Other films do this too though (hello Sleepy Hollow, I see you there).

The best thing that pretty much only vampire films do, I've decided, is vampiric hypnotism.

This isn't (usually) your run-of-the-mill "when I click my fingers you'll be a chicken" kind of hypnotism. In fact, it isn't usually about controlling another person at all. Vampires are not Jedi and the victim rarely seems to feel violated or cheated once they snap out of it. Instead, vampiric hypnotism draws more on Victorian ideas of mesmerism and animal magnetism in which to be hypnotised is to have some primitive force innate inside you unlocked and let loose.

People who are hypnotised by vampires yearn for the vampire, they experience insatiable, obsessive desire, a longing that is not even chastened by the prospect of death. There's a reason films often portray it as a kind of twisted perversion of love (Coppola made love Dracula's entire motivation). People who are hypnotised also remember it, and sometimes recall the feeling fondly - it is a dream, not a nightmare, and sometimes they even actively try to re-enter the "dream". They don't really consent, but it's not a total negation of their freewill either, more just a case of making them want something really really badly. And even in normal times who the hell knows where desire comes from? Why not from a vampire?

On film, hypnotism often presents like arousal and you don't need me to tell you about vampires and sexual imagery. But it's also often presented as something deeper than just sexual attraction, as a new kind of self-awareness where a person discovers a part of themselves that has been hidden or repressed. So you get these debutante type coming kutt scenes...

It's not a coincidence that mesmerism was such a hit in middle-class Victorian drawing rooms where being "mesmerised" created an excuse to explore the parts of one's self and one's relations with others which society otherwise might not allow.

I think of vampiric hypnotism as the opposite side of what we get in films like Brief Encounter and The Remains of the Day where characters struggle with every ounce of their being to suppress desire. Whereas in those films, the characters are acutely aware of desire's consequences, vampires don't care about consequences. Vampires represent a person's removal from consequence - even death is not really a consequence if they so choose - and so we get all the high drama and excess of overwhelming desire in tension with the checks and balances of civilized society. In many stories, a central plot point is how the vampire gradually chips away and removes anything that inhibits acting on desire.

Interestingly, the vampire is as much of victim of desire as the...uh...victim, since they usually obsess over a specific person.

Of course, because vampires are an evil perversion of humanity everything gets twisted and, spoiler alert, the victim is very much a victim. And there's always the Renfields of the vampiric world too, bless 'em.

[drevnian-smol]

Personal Harley Quinn Show (HBO) Rant

Maybe I’m just a little bitch but I would actually like to see Harley struggle with falling back into bad habits more. Like I think I stopped watching s3 bc her life was honestly too together. Which, I know.

But we see so little of her back and forth because Ivy’s always there and the show runners want a good lesbian relationship, which is totally justified. But with the characters Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, stable is the last thing I expected. Like yeah, totally they’d balance each other out and have consistency, but Harley would still be bouncing off the walls every 5 minutes no matter what Ivy does, and no matter how many dogs or cats Harley shoves in Ivy’s face, deep down all Ivy’s thinking about is destroying human kind, sans Harley. So I’m just really confused by how actually on the same page the two of them are because I’ve never met any two people like that, and maybe it’s possible, but why are they so calm??? I know them to be two characters that spontaneously implode at times and I guess I started finding it more difficult to relate to them the more domestic and mature they got, but I’m also sad that Psycho’s gone.

Not like, really sad, but I miss seeing an asshole every few scenes. It was refreshing and realistic, and honestly I started finding myself more tolerant of others because of him, in some weird way. So the other part that bothers me is that there’s less of a split of focus, which I know is stupid when the show is supposed to be Harley Quinn’s, but it’s basically the Harley and Ivy show already so why can’t I ask for more plots focusing on other characters. The personas they had chosen for others like Batman and the Freezer guy with the dying wife that I’ve temporarily forgotten the name of, are really interesting, and I liked seeing this big entertaining world Harley was exploring. Plus, I think this is a chance to display that weird juxtaposition of how backwards the Gotham culture is and how it’s actually very similar to what modern day culture is becoming, from a broad perspective at least.

And last, I shall speak of sacrilege and say, I don’t think Harley being tempted by Joker is the worst idea plot wise. Like yeah, she’s happy. Yeah, she has no reason to go back. But she’s gonna be growing more distant from Ivy now, just because they can’t spend as much time together, which allows for pervasive thoughts that would just escalate with time. So I don’t think the writers should take a “never going back there” approach and maybe have it be something Harley confronts again. Maybe she doesn’t give in, maybe she never really wants to, but maybe she remembers what it was like to be with him, remembers how he treated her, and begins to doubt the life she has with Ivy (not because he was good). And then Ivy can be there for her, and she can overcome it again. But Joker isn’t something that can just disappear from Harley’s life. Yeah, she has a lot of experience with repression, but we all have those things that just find you time and time again. The kinds of things you confront time and time again in your life, that you get better at overcoming, but still have to face it.

I think real growth for Harley would come from that kind of awareness, to have strength in the face of everything without repressing or ignoring or deluding. I think that might be why I stopped understanding Harley after a certain point, because it seemed like after the first 2 seasons she had really moved on and I didn’t recognize any of the struggles I’ve had in my life anymore. So I guess, I just want her to be more human. Maybe I’m weird, but… idk the show just left me feeling emotionally unresolved more than once.

Also side note, Sy was the craziest person in the show and it should’ve stayed that way.

[teamironmanforever]

HIGHLIGHT TRANSLATION OF THE SPANISH DUB ACTOR GUILLERMO ROJAS

Guillermo Rojas - Spanish Dubbing actor for Dean since season 12 until 15x18 (he contracted Covid and was unable to record 15x19 or 15x20 - he has yet to record those) 

INTERVIEWER: “Memo (nickname for Guillermo), I am not sure if you knew, but you broke the internet” 

MEMO: “Yes, a lot of people sought me out when this happened. I am so sorry I wasn’t able to answer at length all of your questions, but I was right in the middle of dealing with Covid. I couldn’t speak without feeling like I was drowning. Right now I am going to (voice) therapy. While it is not too dreary, there are 2 continued effects, so I couldn’t answer everyone who contacted me through various ways - through FB, instagram and an old youtube channel that I haven’t used in years - with respect to the situation that occurred between Dean and his friend (Cas). 

MEMO: “We try to follow (our lines) in what we see of the acting. Remember that dubbing is something where we must make a parallel alignment in our own language. Under the guidelines given to us by the client, we try to expand on all possibilities and all the alignments and - as actors - they permit us to give 100% of ourselves. So there isn’t a limit per se, so long as you don’t go off track (from what was requested from the client)” 

INTERVIEWER: “What were the guidelines for the line that broke the internet” 

MEMO: “It’s curious because neither the director nor us the actors knew much about the tendency that existed. Because we didn’t have much previous information that suggested that something like this would happen. To be honest when we recorded it, we were asking wait what’s happening? I mean we did it, but no one knew this was coming neither in the production studio nor amongst the actors.” 

INTERVIEWER “I need to ask for a clarification here. I mean we are talking about the love declaration Cas made to Dean after 12 years of intense eye-contact. But the big question is Dean’s answer. Because EVERYONE heard in your voice that clear “And I you, Cas”

MEMO “And I you, yes.” 

INTERVIEWER “Where does that “And I you” come from? Was it you? What happened there?” 

“The adaptation came entirely from my director (Adrian Fogarty). He adapted it and gave us our acting guidelines, and I performed accordingly - I gave what he asked of me. We all loved it. We never saw it coming so overtly.... If you remember across all seasons, we rarely see Dean get involved with any women. It just didn’t happen, unlike his brother. He just never got involved. It wasn’t his thing, especially because we have his brother to compare him to. We saw (Sam) in a relationship in the past 2 seasons with Eileen which was a very intense relationship, and very painful in the end. Dean never had to suffer through that. They tied Dean’s pain to the loss of his mother since he lost her more than once.” 

FB question: “So It wasn’t a rogue translator, it was a rogue director”

MEMO: “Look, Fogarty has some really intense abilities and one of them is to adapt the dialogue. When you see him translate a script, when he has the time to do it - even when he is not the one directing - and he leaves it in Spanish. The dialogue said, if I remember correctly, “me too” or something like that and then we switched it to “and I you” due to effects of lip movement, rhythm, etc... We don’t all have the ability that Fogarty has, that speed which he has, to think and translate immediately. We are a team and we work together, and pool our collective abilities, and of course Fogarty does his part. You need a Fogarty in every company.” 

(The interviewer mentioned that her cat hates Sam Winchester and loves dubbed Dean’s voice). 

INTERVIEWER “Do you know what Dean said in the original script before Fogarty got his hands on it?”

“Yes, of course. It made allusions to that. (Fogarty) made the right translation. It said and so do I or me too or something like that. It said it in the (original) script.” 

INTERVIEWER: “When you heard the english version while you recorded yours, did you hear Dean say I love you too?” 

MEMO: “No. If I would have, I would have taken the earphone out and gone what the fuck? *laughs*” 

INTERVIEWER: “What was your favorite episode to film?” 

MEMO: “With my short-term memory, I would say this last one (15x18), because it says so much. In one scene, it says it all. It was impressive, and so beautiful. I never saw it coming.” 

Interviewer “Well you have broken tumblr again.” 

MEMO: “Okay *Laughs*. Well, that’s good. Thank you very much.” 

MEMO: “I think it’s clear to everyone that the fact that he (fogarty?) broke the internet, with this information was a surprise for everyone. Absolutely everyone. Because we all say that if someone wants to be a “real man” we have to be like Dean. In fact it’s something very beautiful for me because it has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with feelings. It was a play by the writers that was marvelous. You didn’t see it coming, but damn do you like it.” 

MEMO: “Nothing was left out of the translation... No I was not called to re-record the “and I you”. I have not been asked to remake the dubbing. My director perfectly understood the texture of the text.” 

INTERVIEWER “Do you know if Supernatural has a quality review for the dubbing through Warner Bros?” 

MEMO: “I would be lying to you if I said yes, but I have been working for WB (LatAM) for many years as both an actor and director. And there is some specific material where they do have “filters”, but with something like supernatural I doubt it. I would assume the one left in charge of all decisions was our director (Fogarty).” 

INTERVIEWER “Have you been interpreting Dean as in love with Castiel this entire time or was it a surprise for you?” 

MEMO: “No, never, it was a surprise. In fact, to be entirely honest, to my closest friends - of the same gender - I do use the phrase “te amo”. I don’t have any issues with that. So I actually thought it went that way - but then I found out it was romantic.” 

INTERVIEWER: “Guillermo, what is your opinion, of destiel now that you know the nature of their relationship.” 

“Well it was a revelation for everyone - including me. I love how they handled it because we didn’t see it coming. And I think, of our understanding of the character’s traits and psychology, we know that if someone knows how to repress their feelings, it’s Dean Winchester. *laughs*” 

INTERVIEWER: “What would you say to Cas if he came back from the empty?” 

MEMO: “He came back?! (he hasn’t seen 15x19 or x20)

INTERVIEWER: “No I am saying what would he say IF he did” 

MEMO: “Oh, okay. I was under the assumption that I said I loved him so long as he wasn’t planning on coming back! *laughs* Well if he returns I guess I would say “Hello, Cas”.  

INTERVIEWER: *Tells MEMO about the not for nothing cas but the last person who looked at me like that I got laid” 

MEMO: OKAAAAY *laughs* That was too much. *laughs* 

INTERVIEWER: Would you be this fandom’s Godfather? 

MEMO: But of course *smiles* This was a big thing, from what I see. 

INTERVIEWER: “What message would you give to the fans who are descovering the spanish dub?” 

“first, thanks a lot of being part of the mexican dubbing. We do this job with all the heart and all the passion that we have. And I think I speak for all involved in this industry. We are glad to note that there are so many people from other countries that are watching these new projects in another language. So I have no words but thanks a lot.” 

INTERVIWER: “What would be your ideal ending for Dean Winchester” 

MEMO “I think, for all of them, they have sacrificed their lives and that of their loved ones for the safety and well being of everyone else. I think if anyone deserves to be well, happy, and calm, at least it’s those three (Sam, Cas, and Dean).” 

INTERVIEWER: “What about jack?” 

MEMO “Jack did attach himself to them, but I think he could find happiness in another nest.” *laughs* 

[actualbird]

hihi crow anon here !! i saw your ask about you not watching many romance movies and thought, what would the tot guys favourite movie genre be ??

p.s. i saw that you enjoyed action movies a lot more and i feel like luke would be the exact same !!

HULLO CROW!!! very sorry this ask took a while, my brain has been the pear_wiggler.gif for a few days kJBKJSKFSD

nxx boys' favorite movie genres (and how it's like watching movies with them bc i swerved a bit with my thoughts)

wc: 1.6k

luke pearce: enjoys watching action movies but oh my god you do not want to watch them with him

ur right, i love action movies and also i love projecting on luke pearce and thus luke pearce loves action movies as well. the caveat though is that if you watch an action movie with luke pearce, you will want to strangle him the entire time. because every second any fight scene or car chase or ANYTHING is happening on screen, luke quietly murmurs "Well, Actually---" before going on to explain why whats going on is unrealistic, see, john wick is using a Heckler and Koch P30L and this type of handgun doesnt actually---

mc: SHUT UP SHUT UP JUST WATCH THE MOVIE OH MY GOD

luke cant help it!!!! hes BEEN in most of these scenes irl and i just remember that one time in his personal story 2 when they were in the escape room talking about Zero and Zero's lover mc was like "hhhh this is so sweet, Zero fell in love" and luke was like "Well, Actually thats not possible because Zero is an android and according to the Turing Test---" LIKE. LUKE DOES THIS. HES SUCH A DORK AND ANNOYING ABOUT IT (AFFECTIONATE)

the reason luke enjoys action movies isnt because of the accuracy (which he maintains is never present) it's because action movies are fun and stupid and gets adrenaline going with no risk to anybody irl. plus, he just seems like the type of guy that has to see an explosion every week for his emotional wellbeing.

his favorite action movie, even if it's inaccurate, is The Raid (2011). the fight choreography in there is just fuckin impeccable to him (and to me KJBKJSKF)

luke's guilty pleasure tho is romcoms. he and mc had watched a bunch of them growing up and so theres a handful of "old" (remember: luke and mc were born in 2006) 90s romcoms that are comfort movies to him. so watching any romcom will get a pavlovian response of "ah, cozy happy content peace and harmony on earth" from him

artem wing: many genres because hes That Guy Who Likes Film but hes not annoying to watch those films with, drawn towards historical/period and sci-fi movies tho

artem the movie critic!!! the guy who reviews movies under an alias apparently (god hes such a nerd)!!! the guy who, in his personal story 2, was so puzzled when he watched that one office romance drama that the only review he left was "..." (REAL SHIT, NOT JOKING, IT SAYS HE DID THIS IN THE ILLUSTRATION). artem wing is That Guy Who Likes Film and one would think thatd make him fucking insufferable, but artem's Film Guy energy is softened like butter into something beautiful and endearing and, most importantly, tolerable, because i think artem would rather jump off a building than ever "mansplain"

but yea since he likes films, hes been around, in terms of genre!! very well rounded and will probably have polite and earnest recommendations for any genre u want to get into.

hes never the type to Talk while a movie is playing as well, he wants to enjoy the experience and if hes with another person, he wants them to enjoy as well. any and all discussion on what has been watched only occurs once the credits are rolling. artem wing clenches his fist ever so slightly, when hes watching movies with the others. "marius, luke," he says calmly but in the kind of calm that betrays his desire to get a roll of duct tape to shut those two up. "stop commentating, the movie is not done yet."

his faaaavorite genres though are historical/period films and sci-fi!!! former is bc hes SUCH a repressed bastard and i know hes watched Pride and Prejudice (2005) way too many times always internally thinking, "God, Darcy, you held her hand without gloves? What's next, a lapdance?"

and latter bc hes a nerd and hes mentioned his love for sci-fi!!! just my two cents, but i think artem is a trekkie through and through and he absolutely fucking hated what JJ Abrams did to star trek in the reboot. in general artem gravitates to the more cerebral sci-fi movies. Arrival (2016), Interstellar (2014), Annihilation (2018), that kinda stuff.

i cannot stress this enough, artem is the best to watch movies with if ur the type to really fixate on the movie. because hes fixating on the movie too. like no thoughts, head empty, only cinema, and when the movie is done, thats the only time u will both realize that over the course of watching, the two of you had fallen into a Position Of Cuddling. artem dies, immediately and politely extricates himself from the cuddle, turning away so that nobody sees 1) how red his face is and 2) how badly he wants to go back into that cuddle

marius von hagen: just the most dramatic bullshit possible

okay if what marius is watching does not have a scene where a door is slammed open and a character comes in saying "the paternity test came back and.....HE'S.....HE'S THE FATHER!!!!!!!" or something equal or more than that kind of ridiculous over the top drama, then hes honestly not that interested in it anymore kJBKJSKGJKSDG

his favorite movies are not limited to the defined and accepted genres of movies, his favorites are all over the place but are similar in the sense that theyre kitschy and camp and Doesnt Have To Be Like That But Valiantly Continues To Be Like That Anyway, these are movies that have the vibes of a neon purple flip phone with enough colorful keychains hanging off of it that it wouldnt look amiss if you put it in the hand of the roman who was beating jesus.

I KNOW THE ABOVE DESCRIPTION SOUNDS ABSTRACT so i will give examples: Mamma Mia! (2018), Con Air (1997), Tall Girl (2019)

yes marius has watched Tall Girl (2019) but the one time he said "You think your life is hard? I'm a high school junior wearing size 13 Nikes." luke stuck his foot out and tripped him, sending him face first into the floor. true story. mc, vyn, and artem were there. they clapped.

additionally, hes a noisy person to watch movies with. not in terms of reactions but in terms of his OPINIONS ON EVERYTHING. if luke is only commenting on the accuracy of being able to drift a car sideways on the road, marius is commenting on everything and then commenting on his comments on everything. the only way hes gonna shut up during a movie is if somebody makes out with him (which was his plan all along 🥴🥴🥴)

vyn richter: nature documentaries

mc: ah, vyn, technically a nature documentary isn't a movie genre-

vyn: watch Patagonia: Earth's Secret Paradise (2015) with me and afterwards, let me know if you have changed your mind

and they watch it together and mc changes her mind

IT'S CINEMA, OKAY!! IM ON VYN'S FUCKIN SIDE HERE!!!! nature documentaries have the plot, the cinematography, the direction, the emotional stakes, theyve got it all while showcasing the narratives of nature. of course, vyn is aware that some nature documentaries can overdramatize some aspects of nature for the feels points, but thats fine for him. if hes going to cry to anything, hed rather cry at animals. they deserve his sincere tears.

(sidenote: ive been thinking lately about how in canon, vyn is/was a hunter. that fascinates me hugely, i see him having a very staunch and unshakeable respect for all creatures of nature. he thinks hunting for sport is distasteful and wrong as it does not utilize the body of the animal for a needed resource food/clothing/etc., instead just as a medium for (mostly) men to stroke their own egos. IDK, I THINK VYN HAS A RLLY GOOD GRASP ON the circle of life, in nature, it's lovely, please feed me venison u hunted, vyn. thank you)

(sidenote 2: vyn would make a REALLY good nature documentary narrator. now thats some asmr i'd love to have...)

watching movies with vyn is much like watching movies with artem, he is focused on the movie and does not speak much unTIL it is somehow made clear to him that you do not mind commentary. once that has happened, please expect vyn to be quietly making jabs at anything he sees onscreen that he thinks is particularly stupid kJBKJF.

bonus: hey what if mc actually really really fucking loved horror movies?

luke is going on and on about how "nope, you cant actually use that murder weapon like tha---[jumpscare]---jeSUS FUCKing CHRIST" and he pulls a knife out of his boot, ready to attack

artem is absolute silence. once the movie is done, mc is excited to gush about all the parts she enjoyed when artem stiffly says "would it be alright if. you did not. leave me alone. tonight."

marius is doing a running commentary the entire time but every time something scary happens he jerks in shock, steadily getting more on edge. once it's done, he's switched on EVERY LIGHT IN THE APARTMENT.

vyn seems fine the entire time thru the movie and even after it. but then he gets up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and then the sound of a raccoon outside rattling a garbage bin makes him scream so goddamn loud.

thanks for this ask crow!!! i hope you enjoy this :DDD

[just-for-kixs]

The flowers scene in Reaching Out

So I'm about a week late but I can't get this out of my head. So during the last scene of Reaching Out, we get two parallels revolving around the flowers that both Camila and Luz have.

We see that Luz has three pink flowers that she releases into the night sky with Amity's abomination ballon and that Camila has one white flower she keeps in a vase. I know a lot of people have commented on the vase colors also being abomination and that's a pretty cool detail but I'm not here to focus on that.

Instead lets look at the flower colors and the symbolism behind that.

First Luz's flowers:

Her flowers are that of a pink shade. Pink in flowers often symbolize that of love and affection, not to be confused with red which is more akin to passion. Luz also mentions earlier that "you got to know what you want" when activating glyphs and a single plant glyph choose to give her three pink flowers. It shows that she still holds a lot of affection and love for her dad even thought she never got a chance to properly form a relationship with him. And with these flowers hold all the feelings she's repressed but slowly beginning to let out as she lets go of the flowers into the sky. She definitely hasn't quite moved on from her father's death but she's starting to acknowledge her feelings.

On the flip side, lets look at Camila's flower:

She has one singular white flower snug in a vase. Now we all know that white flowers are commonly associated with funerals and what not so what's there left to analyze? Well, white flowers are also associated with honoring a spiritual transition and the cycle of life. And knowing that Camila was probably very busy trying to raise a kid on her own all leaving her to deal with her grief as quick as possible. Over the years, she's probably been able to come to terms with it better than Luz has as, well, she is an adult and likely has a better handle on her emotions than a fourteen year old. The single white flower is a simple remembrance to honor her deceased husband.

Now onto both flowers:

So both flowers have five petals, categorizing them as pentas flowers. Pentas flowers carry a lot of significance during death and the grieving process. Traditionally given to someone who has lost their partner, these flowers represent comfort and encouragement. So in a way, when Luz sent those flowers into the sky, she was "sending" her mother those flowers, knowing that her mom was missing her as much as she was.

Concluding thoughts:

Am I overanalyzing flowers in a cartoon? Possibly. Could there be no real significance to these flowers? Also possibly. But I like to think it gives a little bit of insight into both Luz and Camila as characters. They're both bound to have different coping mechanisms to being apart for the first time on the anniversary of Luz's dad passing away. Luz spent all day trying to push her feelings away before inevitably caving and releasing some of those feelings she's kept bottled up for so long. Camila on the other hand likely thought about Luz all day. She has a single flower. All the memories and emotions she carries with Luz and also her husband are contained in that single flower to which she calmly puts into a vase close to her in honor of her deceased husband. She doesn't let it go like Luz does, she keeps it close to her so every time she sees it she'll remember.

Finally, for the few of you that don't know, Dana also lost her father at a young age. I just want to thank her for showing a bit of her own life in Luz's character so that anyone else watching the show now in a similar situation can feel seen and also be encouraged to reach out to someone and talk about their feelings.

Sources:

[oviids]

pls share some of your spn fic recs 🥺🥺

ok, a few things first:

followers and mutuals who do not have supernatural brainworms, kindly avert your eyes

i don’t normally rec or even read much fanfic any more but this is a CRISIS ok (cont.)

there is so. much. content for deancas out there and i have incredibly high standards, several ancient ao3 bookmarks, can speedread, and want to spare you guys the experience of wading through it all.

i also have a section for spn femslash since I was pretty into that back in the day (sadly a lot less fan content for this :/)

I don’t really like au’s or pure smut (I honestly usually just skim or skip those scenes) so if you’re mainly looking for that kind of thing this probably won’t be very helpful to you. jsyk.

i’m not great at describing stuff but i’ll do my best, i’ll also try and add tw’s when neccesary.

i wil try and keep updating this with any other decent fics i find, feel free to rec stuff too since i’m like 7 years behind.(edit 1/25/21) this is getting looooong so i’m going to start making another list on my spn blog rather than update this one

(edit 1/3/21) since this has gotten pretty long i’ve added rating/approximate word counts and marked my particular favorites with an asterisk.

Dean/Cas fic:

So Says The Sword*** - explicit/85k. FUCK its good...au/time travel where dean is not pulled out of hell by cas and says yes to becoming the michael sword. honestly could serve as an alternative to actually watching the show, if you want to get into dean/cas without actually doing that to yourself.

Fata morgana.*  - teen/6k, pst s9 finale. very bela centric and i love it, she finds cas looking for dean in hell.

Redemption Road -misc/600+k. an incredibly long fic from a collaborative writing group back in the day. canon divergent from the end of s6 on, has a cool take on godstiel and the leviathans, as well as the lovecratian mythos connection. ngl when i reread it i only made it about 28% in but imo the casual reader can actually stop around there, the rest concerns a lovecraftian apocalypse that is still good (i think i don’t remember it very well) but not required to enjoy the first half. if you prefer i have an ebook version i can send you on gdrive.

Someone Who's Feeling For Me* - mature/45k, s12. they run into lisa braeden and dean thinks cas is into her while cas thinks dean still likes her. treats lisa way better than the show ever did and the miscommunication is pretty funny rather than annoying.

a turn of the earth - mature/95k. time travel fic where cas from s10 keeps showing up in deans life from a few years before s1 to right before the hellhounds take his soul.  slow burn, good character study, and at one point cas punches the dad in the face and it rules.

On the Wings of War - teen/85k, canon divergent s5. dean accidentally becomes the Horseman of War. plays fun, fast and loose with biblical lore, michael has some rights.

Named - mature/95k, alternate s5. EXTREMELY blasphemous in a fun sexy way. manages to predict metatron almost to a T. there’s one major character death and its literally jesus christ, everyone is very sad about it and it sets the rest of the story rolling. an alternate interpretation of cas’ mission to raise dean from hell which had me on the floor. ngl its kind of misogynistic at points, but its from 2010 and tracks with late oughts-2010 spn (sorry anna the author did you dirty here:/).

The Girlfriend Experience - explicit/15k. uhhh i don’t normally rec or even read smutty stuff unless someone i know is specifically asking for it but this has stuff like sam trying to be a good ally and dean thinking holding hands with cas is ‘kinda gay :/’ minutes after having gay sex with him.

i crippled your heart a hundred times - explicit/19k, s8. cas confesses his feelings and dean spends a long time getting his head out of his ass about it. truly hits different after the actual confession, despite being written six years early it feels like its actually what could have gone down more or less if the writers weren’t talentless demons who hate us.

My Roots Take Flight** - mature/125k. reverse au where cas is a hunter and dean’s an angel...OR IS IT???? an alternate retelling of s4. tw for briefly being set in a psychiatric hospital/the hospital being mentioned somewhat frequently throughout the fic, plus more references to torture in hell and heaven than usual.

The One Thing You Can't Lose* - teen/4k.you know those posts about how cas is a super-strong super-tough ancient warrior but he just lets dean tug him around because he likes it? thats it thats the fic.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - teen/14k, post s8′s ‘goodbye stranger.’ cas is on the run with the angel tablet but keeps in touch with sam and dean by text, he and dean still manage to be terrible at Actual communication.

Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day - mature/30k, post s11. a monster that takes the appearance of your soulmate leads to some wild miscommunications and dealing with years of repression, also dean gets to see cas’ true form which is always cool. tw for non-graphic mentions of underage sexual assault/sex work.

Down to Agincourt - mature/explicit/900++++k, endverse continuation. endverse!cas survives his encounter with lucifer and discovers another time-displaced dean from s7. i’ve only read the two of four parts but its really good, veeeeery slow burn, has a lot of fun oc’s and takes a rather surprising but (imo) entertaining and intriguing turn into Hellenic history and mythology. usual tw’s for endverse/endverse!cas but nothing graphic, it’s actually pretty light-hearted (relatively speaking of course).

Nothing Equals the Splendor** - explicit/8k, THEE finale fix it fic you’ve been waiting for! posits that the entire final episode was just a (very bad and lame) djinn’s vision.

like moses and batman and james dean - explicit/31k, post s8. explores dean’s trauma and internalized homophoba from his technically canon experience with sex work and its impact on his relationship with cas. the sex work itself isn’t really shown in any detail but it’s still a relatively heavy fic.

Crazy Diamonds - explicit/25k, s4/alternate s14. fresh-out-of-hell dean and dean from 10 years in the future are displaced from time and sent to each other’s present.

where the weeds take root - explicit/30k. au where the men of letters kick them out of the bunker and they accidentally move out into the country, get over their codependence and semi retire. featuring chicken coop building, sam volunteering at a dog shelter, gardening, and blissfully mundane domesticity.

No Resting Place - teen/6k. djinn dream fic, switches back and forth between cas’ dream of being married to dean and retired from hunting to the aftermath when he wakes up. tw for brief mention of suicide since, y’know, djinn dream.

any port in a storm - mature/52k. post s8 finale. cas and dean have to pose as a couple going through a rough patch for a case and actually deal with their emotional baggage, cas struggles with being human and metatron is up to stuff.

all this and heaven too* - explicit/7k. in the author’s own words ‘...a love letter to every trans person who ever projected onto Dean Winchester.’ absolutely unzipped me emotionally and theologically, its just. so good. tw for very brief mentions of internalized transphobia/dysphoria.

Because it is* - mature/6k, finale fix it. killing chuck does not bring back anyone back and the winchesters spend a very long time dealing with what they’ve lost, cas and dean SOMEHOW still manage to have signifigant communication issues even after the confession. tw for suicidal thoughts/brief attempt.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit* - teen/4k, s6. when cas fell for dean it automatically soulbonded/angel married them, shenanigans ensue when dean finds out during the angel’s civil war. funny and actually written back when s6 was airing so cas is still (or at least pretending to be) kind of an OP asshole which is fun.

Rinse, Repeat - teen/3k, s8. angsty character study of cas as he’s reprogrammed and trained to kill dean. not really dean/cas since its just cas’ pov of canon events but its beautifully written and ends with him snapping out of it through the power of love (also now a canon event!).

Emergence - explicit/59k, canon divergent after s11. dean meets a hunter he only recognizes as their friend claire novak’s missing father, but soon realizes he might be the answer behind the mysterious void in his memories and feelings (aka everyone’s memories of cas are completely wiped away for three years).

Cuckoo And Nest - explicit/10k, early established relationship/character study, cas tries to figure out how he fits into dean’s life and space in the bunker.

Build a Home* - teen/20k, canon divergent s12. sam and eileen are cute and turn the bunker into men of letters/hunters hq and everyone but cas moves in, mutual miscommunication issues and pining ensues.

Down in the River - teen/5k, early s8, cas prays to dean in purgatory while sam and dean try to figure out a way to get him out.

Teaching Poetry to Fish* - mature/52k, ?? BC through the entire series/canon divergent s14 and 15. retelling of crucial scenes throughout the shows timeline from cas’ pov, feat. actual fish and poetry.

the minor fall, the major lift - gen/4k, post confession/finale fixit. dean goes into the empty to save cas and runs into several old friends (and enemies).

With the Kisses of His Mouth* - teen/3k, gen later seasons. dean and cas keep kissing by accident.

Remaining Grace - explicit/109k, alternate s6. au where cas asks dean for help with raphael and dean, of course, does. tw for temporary major character death/semi-graphic depictions of alcohol withdrawal.

The face of heaven.* - teen/10k, au, dean is a regular guy and cas is a fallen star (think ‘stardust’, kinda).

Stories Are Made of Mistakes*  - teen/5k. newly human cas has trouble getting used to a human body and humanity in general, but still figures out that he and dean are A Thing before dean does.

Hurry Up And Wait - mature/21k, canon divergent s12. a fairyland and quite possibly LOTR related case comes up and dean goes full fanboy, mary is introduced to the wonders of the peter jackson adaptions, many references and comparisons (including between cas and dean’s ‘friendship’ and arwen/aragon). also charle is still alive and has just been doing fairy stuff this whole time.

There Are Many Things - explicit/28k, s9. cas is extremely lonely/touch-starved and trying to figure out this whole human thing, as well as where he and dean stand after being kicked out of the bunker.

It's A Long Life to Always Be Longing - teen/40k, post s11 finale. amara helps dean by putting him in a magical coma so he can finally get some much needed rest and show him possible futures for him, sam and cas. meanwhile sam and cas go on a roadtrip (or several) to find componets for a spell to wake dean up. really good sam and cas friendship, they actually talk about their shared lucifer trauma and stuff.

Non-Photo Blue - gen/2k, s4/5/alternate s5. fifty moments from cas’ memories of dean.

Tall Grass - explicit/57k, canon divergent post series. cas becomes the ultimate plant dad. feat the wayward sisters gang, cathartic character growth, fun oc’s, domesticity, and lots of actual botanical info-dumping.

on vessels - no rating/gen/2k. established dean/cas, cas tells dean about how he used to imagine what it would be like to have him as his vessel.

search for tomorrow on every shore* - teen/11k, post-finale (extremely derogatory). some angels in jack’s new heaven act out and dean gets temporarily resurrected in 2003 and runs into his younger self.

Architecture of the Minotaur’s Heart - explicit/45k, very canon divergent post s1. dean’s new house seems to have a life and mind of its own, while in his dreams he sees glimpses of a world and apocalypse that never came to be and an angel that looks strangely like his mysterious neighbor, cas. loosely inspired by the book house of leaves (which i highly recommend for fans of weird horror).

The Distance Of The Setting Sun - explicit/17k, post s5. established dean/cas relationship, team free will finally takes advantage of cas’ abilities to go on vacation around the world.

diamond star halo - teen/5k, s11. dean lets cas use him as a temporary vessel while he recovers from rowena’s spell, sam is a long-suffering third-wheel.

Make Known** - teen/16k, s6/7. dean struggles to understand how cas could have become his enemy and whether he ever truly knew him in the first place.

blunt little instrument* - mature/1.4k, post finale. dean finally confronts his father in heaven, very cathartic.

my heart a compass*** - teen/10k, post confession. the empty forces cas to re-experience his most regretted moments while dean tries to snap him out of it and bring him home.

A Crash Course in Someone Else's History - teen/11k, s6. cas from the very start of s4 is brought forward in time by s6!cas to distract the brothers from his and crowley’s plans.

The Cuckoo Father - mature/8k, s7 au. the woman who found cas in the river post-leviathans does not marry him bc he was sent to her by god or whatever, but actually identifies him as jimmy novak and sends him back to claire and amelia.

The Dead Dean Clause* - teen/5k, post alt s5 ending. team free will celebrates surviving taking down lucifer by getting blitzed, cas lies to a cop and gets an impromptu driving lesson. title/description sound dark i know but it’s actually very funny and light.

Suck It, Judy Garland - mature/20k, s12 (after the ‘i love you...i love all of you’ episode). cas and sam have to pretend to be a couple for a case and dean is NOT happy about it.

By Daylight and In Dream - teen/16k, s5. pre-dean/cas, dean invites cas to use his dreams to hide from the other angels. tw for very brief mention of a memory/dream of alastair sexually assaulting dean.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - mature/22k, post-canon. an actually happy (if sometimes bittersweet) heaven endgame written several years ago, though some details are rather eerily similar to the show’s ending.

heaven is a place on earth* - teen/2k. dean’s pov of some of the times cas left him behind throughout the show, and one alternate ending where he finally gets to stay.

I Cleanse The Mirror - teen/20k, alternate s6. dean’s body is stolen by an ancient elemental and his soul has to hitch a ride in cas’ vessel.

an exploration of gender; angelic*** - mature/4k. *oscar isaac voice* lets get into angel gender politics!! aka cas is trans.

Zenith - explicit/33k, s9. after 9x06 an angry witch curses cas with the ability to see supernatural beings and human souls.

La cucina. - gen/3k, alt s9. dean goes wild helping a newly-human cas find out what kinds of food he likes, or the early s9 domesticity we deserved!

Dean Winchester, Cocksucker at Rest***** - teen/7k, post-finale. john and mary finally come over for dinner and john reacts to dean/cas in a rather predictable fashion. SOOOOOOOOO good omg, its so funny and a little sad and very very cathartic. part of a series that has a few other really good short fics.

The Way You Didn't Go - teen/5k, s15. coda to 15.09, dean has nightmares about the moc!cas timeline.

On Drowning - teen/28k. dean saves cas after he nearly drowns, they both try and deal with the physical/mental fallout (aka the fic where thee iconic “you only touch me when you think I’m dead or dying” originates). tw for realistic depictions of drowning/triage/misc medical information.

The Thirty-Six Questions That Lead to Love* - mature/13k. claire has dean and cas pretend to be her gay dads for a case and they play the titular 36 question game, get mistaken for swingers, and birdwatch, among other things.

Assorted F/F stuff:

Deep Breaths* - mary/ellen, au where mary said no to azazel’s deal and let john stay dead, still becomes a milf.

Like Rebel Diamonds - krissy/claire, they become hunter gf’s on the hunt for cas to kick his ass for taking jimmy. not-so-stealth dean/cas as well.

To Ash and Bone - anna/ruby, same author as the previous fic (p much all of her stuff is good from what i recall). au where ruby is a witch and helps anna when she’s cursed.

Holy Clockwork Angels - jo/ruby, STEAMPUNK au with very cool worldbuiilding.

At Day's End - jo/anna (my fucking KINGDOM for more jo/anna content, the dean/cas parallels are allllll there), au where they are both at the camp in the endverse and gfs.

these posts - ok so not actually a fic but i’m now obsessed with this hannah/meg dynamic.

Tagelied - mary/ellen, the true story of how ellen got into hunting before angels interfered.

Hell's Bells** - meg/abaddon, alternate s8/9 where meg survives crowley’s attack with sam’s help and teams up with abaddon (who she has a sk year old crush on) to take back hell.

The Ecstasy of the Rose - anna/ruby, anna travels back in time to escape heaven and becomes a signifigant part of ruby’s old human life.

Angel Underground - anna/jo, kind of an urban fantasy au with a very intriguing premise (sadly its very short, i’d love to see more if this ‘verse).

Clover, Flame - billie/mary, billie was always the reaper that showed up to take mary after her death(s) over the years.

Drag Me To Heaven - anna/ruby, a variant on the ‘last night on earth’ thing with dean.

Come Home* - jo/anna, canon-divergent au where anna is the new waitress at the roadhouse and helps jo set up a (probably not really) haunted house for halloween.

[jackrrabbit]

cooking at 3am /// Osamu x f!Reader

Request: Imagine cooking together with Osamu at 3am because neither of you could sleep (or because ‘Samu got the midnight munchies lol). You don’t have anything specific in mind; you’re just playing around and feeding each other little bits of what you make.

A/N: bruh you said munchies and my mind said [[ h i g h o s a m u ]] sorry this went in a kinda different direction? but still fun 3am cooking project vibes :P

Tag/warnings: fluff, light drug use (weed), you and Atsumu are lowkey Bros™️, Osamu's kinda baby 🤧

Osamu’s not good at smoking.

He doesn’t really know how to inhale—you know, hold it in his lungs so it can soak in or whatever—and when he does, he coughs. Except he tries to repress the coughs. Even if he wants to hide it, he’s always close enough to you that you can feel his chest moving from trying not to cough when he takes a hit.

And also, like every baby smoker, he can’t really tell when it’s kicking in until he’s off the deep end.

“Can you feel it yet?”

“No.”

You shoot Osamu a glance where he’s sitting on the ground in front of the couch, watching a nature documentary on Atsumu’s TV with a glazed-over look on his face. “You sure? Your eyes are super red.”

“I can’t feel it. Give it—“ He holds out his hand and honestly you’re pretty sure he’s had plenty, but it’s Atsumu’s vape so who cares. You hand it over and Osamu holds it up to his mouth and sucks, eyes fluttering closed as the light on the side of the Pax glows yellow.

God, he looks hot when he does that. Something about a hot guy smoking, yeah? Actually, no. Something about your hot boyfriend smoking.

Except 'Samu holds his breath a second too long and you can see the urge to cough hit him… Wait for it, you think to yourself, and a second later he hacks and wheezes the vapor out in a wispy cloud that reflects silver against the semi-dark. You coo in sympathy and pat his back. “Want some water?”

Osamu shakes his head, hand over his mouth to stop the coughing. On the tv, David Attenborough talks about penguin courtship rituals and Atsumu (who’s been draped on the couch next to you for the past few hours) gives a light little sigh in his sleep. You check the time. 3am. Bedtime. Too bad you and 'Samu are both too high to drive home…whoops. Guess you’re spending the night at Atsumu’s place.

Osamu rubs his bloodshot eyes like they’re itchy, which they probably are. “Hey, can we— uhh… Do we have pancakes.”

“Pancakes, babe? You mean the ones you made for breakfast?”

“Yeah, there’s leftovers…I made you extra and you didn’t want them.” He twists around and gives you an incredibly dirty look, like this is something you did on purpose to hurt his feelings. “If you don’t want them I’m going to eat them.”

“Wait, 'Samu—“ But Osamu's already getting up off the floor to wander over to the next room. You debate pausing the show—it’s a really good scene—but you leave it going for Atsumu's sake because you’re pretty sure the narration is the only thing keeping him asleep. He’s kinda drooling on your shoulder and you have to push him off to go follow your boyfriend to the kitchen.

“What is all this stuff? Ugh…” Osamu's pawing through the fridge. There’s a lot of crinkling, plastic sounds—you catch a glimpse inside and all of the shelves are stacked up with plastic bags and styrofoam containers.

You yawn and hop up to sit on the kitchen island. “Takeout? I don’t think he cooks.” Atsumu's going to get a lecture tomorrow for keeping 2-week-old Indian food in his fridge. God knows you heard it way too many times before you and Osamu moved in together. You don’t envy 'Tsumu.

Osamu sits down in front of the fridge, fumbles with a drawer, and pulls out a bag of moldy grapes. “Gross…who lives like this…”

You snicker into your hand.

“I can’t find the pancakes.” 'Samu's pulling the plastic drawers all the way out now, setting them down on the floor as he inspects the contents of the fridge.

“They’re not here.”

“You ate them?”

“No, I— Hey, put those back in,” you tell him helplessly as he shuts the door of the fridge, ignoring all the leftover food he took out. Yeah, half of it was probably off anyway, but Atsumu's gonna be pissed if he wakes up and there’s takeout going bad all over his kitchen floor.

“You threw away my pancakes?” Now the look on Osamu's face is utter betrayal. He stands up off the floor and glares sulkily at you. “I made those for you…”

“I didn’t throw them away, they’re—“ You hold back a laugh and wish you had your phone on you (where did it go?) so you could take a picture. He’s so cute when he smokes. “—they’re at home.”

“At home?”

“Yep, at home. The place where you and me live, remember?”

“Oh.” Osamu pauses, reaches out absently to grab the edge of your sleeve. You’re wearing one of his hoodies. “We’re not at home?”

“Nope. We’re at Atsumu's place,” you tell him through a giggle.

He plays with your sleeve, contemplating. “Why?”

“Because we’re out of weed and he said he’d smoke us out. And we like hanging out with him.”

“Oh. We do?”

“Yes.”

“…’Kay.” It takes Osamu a second to accept this, but then he nods seriously. “(Y/N), I'm hungry.”

“I know. What do you want to eat? You could probably have any of that stuff, I don’t think he’ll miss it.”

'Samu thinks about it for a moment, scanning the array of takeout containers spread out across the kitchen floor. “I want pancakes.”

“The pancakes are at home, remember?”

“Yeah…” Osamu flips over his grip on your sleeve and traces his thumb down the lines in your palm. “I could make some?”

More pancakes? “I don’t think 'Tsumu has eggs, babe. Or flour. Or…baking soda?” You’re not really sure what ingredients go into pancakes. Whatever cooking skills you possessed pre-Osamu have deteriorated significantly since you moved in together and he took over any and all food preparation for your household.

He pouts at this, and his hair is a little messed up, and he’s so pretty that you can’t stand how much you like him in that second. Mine mine mine, something in the back of your brain says. He’s mine.

You reach up and Osamu obediently ducks his head down so you can smooth his hair back into place and fix the bits that are flipping over his part. “Is there anything else you want to eat?”

“Onigiri.”

“Oh…” Well, at least Atsumu probably has rice. “Sure. Ok. That’s your specialty.”

“I want ya to make it for me.”

“What?” You frown and pull your hand out of his. “You know my cooking sucks.”

“No it doesn’t. (Y/N)’s food’s the best.”

“You own an onigiri shop, come on—“

“Please?”

One of his bangs falls back in his eyes and without thinking you reach up to put it in place. “Okay, fine. But you can’t complain about it if it’s not good.”

He smiles and you want to blush. “Yes! I promise.”

So you do it for him. Even though you’re high too. You measure some rice and water into the rice cooker (Osamu has to give you pointers on how much of each to put in) and you scrounge around Atsumu's depressingly bare kitchen for a few sheets of seaweed and some easy fillings. Osamu pulls a stool up to the island counter and rests his chin on his hands so he can watch you with a bleary look of adoration on his face.

It takes you…maybe half an hour to be done? It’s hard to gauge time when you’re high. You and 'Samu both jump when the rice cooker finishes and plays the little rice cooker song, which will remain stuck in your head for the foreseeable future. 'Samu hums it in a loop while you shape the rice into lopsided triangles and wrap the nori around it.

“Here,” you tell him when you set the plate down in front of him. He looks entirely too happy to be eating your mediocre food for someone who literally does this for a living, but who cares.

He picks one, takes a bite, swallows. And blinks.

“What do you think?” you ask in spite of yourself.

“Umm…salty,” Osamu says.

You grab one to try yourself and it’s salty. Like, ocean salty. Yuck. “I told you it would be bad,” you complain, trying to tug the plate away but Osamu grabs it and pulls it back.

“Noooo…it’s good,” he lies, although his face is giving him away. Still, he takes another bite and chews enthusiastically.

“Shut up.” You tug a little harder but Osamu doesn’t let go.

He swallows, pulls a face, and takes another one. “So good. I love it.”

“Shut up. You sound so fake. You’re going to get sick if you eat that.” You keep pulling, but he insists on pretending it’s edible so you admit defeat and help him finish the onigiri off. God, they’re awful. But he keeps eating and so you do too.

When you’re done, your mouth feels dry as fuck and you want to sleep almost as much as you want to drink about a gallon of water. “Is it bedtime yet?” 'Samu asks, wiping his mouth and then rubbing his eyes again.

The clock over the oven says it’s past 4. “Yes. It’s bedtime.”

“Wait—we’re…we’re not at home, right? We’re at 'Tsumu's?”

“Mhm.”

“I prolly drove here…I dunno if I can drive now,” Osamu tells you slowly, like he’s apologizing. “I think I'm kinda high.”

“Oh yeah?” You hold your laugh back and put your hands up on his cheeks. “How do you feel?”

“Dizzy. Blurry? Like…you’re in slow-motion.” His hands come up to layer over yours. “You’re pretty in slow-mo.”

“Prettier than usual?”

Osamu closes his eyes, scrunching them up to think and then looking over your face intently. “Same amount, just slower. So it’s easier to see.”

“That so?” You slip your hands around to drape over his shoulders and get up on your tiptoes to give him a little kiss on the cheek, because he’s earned it. “You know what, I think I'm kinda high too. I think we’re going to have to have a sleepover.”

“On the couch? S’not big enough for us both.”

“You can sleep with 'Tsumu in his bed…or I guess you could sleep on the ground?”

'Samu's mouth twists and his brows draw together. You can practically hear the gears in his mind turning while he considers alternatives. “Can we share the bed?”

“I think Atsumu's gonna want it. It’s his house.”

“But he’s already sleeping.”

True, you can hear Atsumu snoring lightly from the living room underneath David Attenborough’s description of endangered falcons in the Philippine rainforest. You should really wake him up—matter of fact, you should really clean up the kitchen because it’s a huge mess—but 'Samu's already pulling you away. And you’re so sleepy.

“He’s going to be pissed tomorrow,” you tell Osamu through a yawn, but you let him steer you in the direction of Atsumu's bedroom, holding your hand.

“Don’t care…I hate sleeping without you.”

“Yeah,” you say, and you squeeze his hand and he looks back at you like you’re the literal best thing in the entire universe—and you decide you should get him high more often. “Same.”

[army-of-mai-lovers]

in which I get progressively angrier at the various tropes of atla fandom misogyny

tbh I think it would serve all of us to have a larger conversation about the specific ways misogyny manifests in this fandom, because I’ve seen a lot of people who characterize themselves as feminists, many of whom are women themselves, discuss the female characters of atla/lok in misogynistic ways, and people don’t talk about it enough. 

disclaimer before I start: I’m not a woman, I’m an afab nonbinary person who is semi-closeted and thus often read as a woman. I’m speaking to things that I’ve seen that have made me uncomfy, but if any women (esp women existing along other axes of oppression, e.g. trans women, women of color, disabled women, etc) want to add onto this post, please do!

“This female character is a total badass but I’m not even a little bit interested in exploring her as a human being.” 

I’ve seen a lot of people say of various female characters in atla/lok, “I love her! She’s such a badass!” now, this statement on its own isn’t misogynistic, but it represents a pretty pervasive form of misogyny that I’ve seen leveled in large part toward the canon female love interests of one or both of the members of a popular gay ship (*cough* zukka *cough*) I’m going to use Suki as an example of this because I see it with her most often, but it can honestly be applied to nearly every female character in atla/lok. Basically, people will say that they stan Suki, but when it comes time to engage with her as an actual character, they refuse to do it. I’ve seen meta after meta about Zuko’s redemption arc, but I so rarely see people engage with Suki on any level beyond “look at this cool fight scene!” and yeah, I love a cool Suki fight scene as much as anybody else, but I’m also interested in meta and headcanons and fics about who she is as a person, when she isn’t an accessory to Sokka’s development or doing something cool. of course, the material for this kind of engagement with Suki is scant considering she doesn’t have a canon backstory (yet) (don’t let me down Faith Erin Hicks counting on you girl) but with the way I’ve seen people in this fandom expand upon canon to flesh out male characters, I know y’all have it in you to do more with Suki, and with all the female characters, than you currently do. frankly, the most engagement I’ve seen with Suki in mainstream fandom is justifying either zukki (which again, is characterizing her in relation to male characters, one of whom she barely interacts with in canon) or one of the Suki wlw pairings. which brings me to--

“I conveniently ship this female character whose canon love interest is one of the members of my favorite non-canon ship with another female character! gay rights!” 

now, I will admit, two of my favorite atla ships are yueki and mailee, and so I totally understand being interested in these characters’ dynamics, even if, as is the case with yueki, they’ve never interacted canonically. however, it becomes a problem for me when these ships are always in the background of a zukka fic. at some point, it becomes obvious that you like this ship because it gets either Zuko or Sokka’s female love interests out of the way, not because you actually think the characters would mesh well together. It’s bad form to dislike a female character because she gets in the way of your gay ship, so instead, you find another girl to pair her off with and call it a day. to be clear, I’m not saying that everybody who ships either mailee or yueki (or tysuki or maisuki or yumai or whatever other wlw rarepair involving Zuko or Sokka’s canon love interests) is nefariously trying to sideline a female character while acting publicly as if she’s is one of their faves--far from it--but it is noteworthy to me how difficult it is to find content that centers wlw ships, while it’s incredibly easy to find content that centers zukka in which mailee and/or yueki plays a background role. 

also, notice how little traction wlw Katara ships gain in this fandom. when’s the last time you saw yuetara on your dash? there’s no reason for wlw Katara ships to gain traction in a fandom that is so focused on Zuko and Sokka getting together, bc she doesn’t present an immediate obstacle to that goal (at least, not an obstacle that can be overcome by pairing her up with a woman). if you are primarily interested in Zuko and Sokka’s relationship, and your queer readings of other female characters are motivated by a desire to get them out of the way for zukka, then Katara’s canon m/f relationship isn’t a threat to you, and thus, there’s no reason to read her as potentially queer. Or even, really, to think about her at all. 

“Katara’s here but she’s not actually going to do anything, because deep down, I’m not interested in her as a person.” 

the show has an enormous amount of textual evidence to support the claim that Sokka and Katara are integral parts of each other’s lives. so, she typically makes some kind of appearance in zukka content. sometimes, her presence in the story is as an actual character with layers and nuance, someone whom Sokka cares about and who cares about Sokka in return, but also has her own life and goals outside of her brother (or other male characters, for that matter.) sometimes, however, she’s just there because halfway through writing the author remembered that Sokka actually has a sister who’s a huge part of the show they’re writing fanfiction for, and then they proceed to show her having a meetcute with Aang or helping Sokka through an emotional problem, without expressing wants or desires outside of those characters. I’m honestly really surprised that I haven’t seen more people calling out the fact that so much of Katara’s personality in fanon revolves around her connections to men? she’s Aang’s girlfriend, she’s Sokka’s sister, she’s Zuko’s bestie. never mind that in canon she spends an enormous amount of time fighting against (anachronistic, Westernized) sexism to establish herself as a person in her own right, outside of these connections. and that in canon she has such interesting complex relationships with other female characters (e.g. Toph, Kanna, Hama, Korra if you want to write lok content) or that there are a plethora of characters with whom she could have interesting relationships with in fanon (Mai, Suki, Ty Lee, Yue, Smellerbee, and if you want to write lok content, Kya II, Lin, Asami, Senna, etc). to me, the lack of fandom material exploring Katara’s relationships with other women or with herself speak to a profound indifference to Katara as a character. I’m not saying you have to like Katara or include her in everything you write, but I am asking you to consider why you don’t find her interesting outside of her relationships with men.

“I hate Katara because she talks about her mother dying too often.” 

this is something I’ve seen addressed by people far more qualified than I to address it, but I want to mention it here in part because when I asked people which fandom tropes they wanted me to talk about, this came up often, but also because I find it really disgusting that this is a thing that needs to be addressed at all. Y’all see a little girl who watched her mother be killed by the forces of an imperialist nation and say that she talks about it too much??? That is a formational, foundational event in a child’s life. Of course she’s going to talk about it. I’ve seen people say that she doesn’t talk about it that often, or that she only talks about it to connect with other victims of fn imperialism e.g. Jet and Haru, but frankly, she could speak about it every episode for no plot-significant reason whatsoever and I would still be angry to see people say she talks about it too much. And before you even bring up the Sokka comparison, people deal with grief in different ways. Sokka  repressed a lot of his grief/channeled it into being the “man” of his village because he knew that they would come for Katara next if he gave them the opportunity. he probably would talk about his mother more if a) he didn’t feel massive guilt at not being able to remember what she looked like, and b) he was allowed to be a child processing the loss of his mother instead of having to become a tiny adult when Hakoda had to leave to help fight the fn. And this gets into an intersection with fandom racism, in that white fans (esp white American fans) are incapable of relating to the structural trauma that both Sokka and Katara experience and thus can’t see the ways in which structural trauma colors every single aspect of both of their characters, leading them to flatten nuance and to have some really bad takes. And you know what, speaking of bad fandom takes--   

“Shitting on Mai because she gets in the way of my favorite Zuko ship is actually totally okay because she’s ~abusive~” 

y’all WHAT. 

ok listen, I get not liking maiko. I didn’t like it when I first got into fandom, and later I realized that while bryke cannot write romance to save their lives, fans who like maiko sure can, so I changed my tune. but if you still don’t like it, that’s fine. no skin off my back. 

what IS skin off my back is taking instances in which Mai had justified anger toward Zuko, and turning it into “Mai abused Zuko.” do you not realize how ridiculous you sound? this is another thing where I get so angry about it that I don’t know how useful my analysis is actually going to be, but I’ll do my best. numerous people have noted how analysis of Mai and Zuko’s breakup in “The Beach” or Mai being justifiably angry with him at Boiling Rock or her asking for FUCKING FRUIT in “Nightmares and Daydreams” that says that all of these events were her trying to gain control over him is....ahhh...lacking in reading comprehension, but I’d like to go a step further and talk about why y’all are so intent on taking down a girl who doesn’t show emotion in normative ways. obviously, there’s a “Zuko can do no wrong” aspect to Mai criticism (which is super weird considering how his whole arc is about how he can do lots of wrong and he has to atone for the wrong that he’s done--but that’s a separate post.) But I also see slandering Mai for not expressing her emotions normatively and not putting up with Zuko’s shit and slandering Katara for “talking about her mother too often” as two sides of the same coin. In both cases, a female character expresses emotions that make you, the viewer, uncomfortable, and so instead of attempting to understand where those emotions may have come from and why they might be manifesting the way they are, y’all just throw the whole character away. this is another instance of people in the fandom being fundamentally disinterested in engaging with the female characters of atla in a real way, except instead of shallowly “stanning” Mai, y’all hate her. so we get to this point where female characters are flattened into one of two things: perfect queens who can do no wrong, or bitches. and that’s not who they are. that’s not who anyone is. but while we as a fandom are pretty good at understanding b1 Zuko’s actions as layered and multifaceted even though he’s essentially an asshole then, few are willing to lend the same grace to any female character, least of all Mai. 

and what’s funny is sometimes this trope will intersect with “I conveniently ship this female character whose canon love interest is one of the members of my favorite non-canon ship with another female character! gay rights!”, so you’ll have someone actively calling Mai toxic/problematic/abusive, and at the same time ship her with Ty Lee? make it make sense! but then again, maybe that’s happening because y’all are fundamentally disinterested in Ty Lee as a character too. 

“I love Ty Lee so much that I’m going to treat her like an infantilized hypersexual airhead!” 

there are so many things happening in y’alls characterization of Ty Lee that I struggled to synthesize it into one quippy section header. on one hand, you have the hypersexualization, and on the other hand, you have the infantilization, which just makes the hypersexualization that much worse. 

(of course, sexualizing or hypersexualizing ANY atla character is really not the move, considering that these are child characters in a children’s show, but then again, that’s a separate post.) 

now, I understand how, from a very, very surface reading of the text, you could come to the conclusion that Ty Lee is an uncomplicated bimbo. if you grew up on Western media the way I did, you’ll know that Ty Lee has a lot of the character traits we associate with bimbos: the form-fitting pink crop top, the general conventional attractiveness, the ditzy dialogue. but if you think about it for more than three seconds, you’ll understand that Ty Lee has spent her whole life walking a tightrope, trying to please Azula and the rest of the royal family while also staying true to herself. Ty Lee and Azula’s relationship is a really complex and interesting topic that I don’t really have time to explore at the moment given how long this post is, but I’d argue that Ty Lee’s constant, vocal  adulation is at least partially a product of learning to survive at court at an early age. Like Mai, she has been forced to regulate her emotions as a member of fn nobility, but unlike Mai, she also has six sisters who look exactly like her, so she has a motivation to be more peppy and more affectionate to stand out. 

fandom does not do the work to understand Ty Lee. as is a theme with this post, fandom is actively disinterested in investigating female characters beyond a very surface level reading of them. Thus, fandom takes Ty Lee’s surface level qualities--her love of the color pink, her revealing standard outfit, and the fact that once she found a boy attractive and also once a lot of boys found her attractive--and they stretch this into “Ty Lee is basically Karen Smith from Mean Girls.” thus, Ty Lee is painted as a bimbo, or more specifically, as not smart, uncritically adoring of Azula (did y’all forget all the non-zukka bits of Boiling Rock?), and attractive to the point of hypersexualization. I saw somebody make a post that was like “I wish mailee was more popular but I’m also glad it isn’t because otherwise people would write it as Mai having to put up with her dumb gf” and honestly I have to agree!! this is one instance in which I’m glad that fandom doesn’t discuss one of my favorite characters that often because I hate the fanon interpretation of Ty Lee, I think it’s rooted in misogyny (particularly misogyny against East Asian women, which often takes the form of fetishizing them and viewing them only through a Western white male gaze)  

(side note: here at army-of-mai-lovers, we stan bimbos. bimbos are fucking awesome. I personally don’t read Ty Lee as a bimbo, but if that’s you, that’s fucking awesome. keep doing what you’re doing, queen <3 or king or monarch, it’s 2021, anyone can be a bimbo, bitches <3)

“Toph can and will destroy everyone here with her bare hands because she’s a meathead who likes to murder people and that’s it!”  

Toph is, and always has been, one of my favorite ATLA characters. My very first fic in fandom was about her, and she appears prominently in a lot of my other work as well. One thing that I am always struck by with Toph is how big a heart she has. She’s independent, yes, snarky, yes, but she cares about people--even the family that forced her to make herself smaller because they didn’t believe that their blind daughter could be powerful and strong. Her storyline is powerful and emotionally resonant, her bending is cool precisely because it’s based in a “wait and listen” approach instead of just smashing things indiscriminately, she’s great disabled rep, and overall one of the best characters in the show. 

And in fandom, she gets flattened into “snarky murder child.” 

So where does this come from? Well, as we all know, Toph was originally conceived of as a male character, and retained a lot of androgyny (or as the kids call it, Gender) when she was rewritten as a female character. There are a lot of cultural ideas about androgynous/butch women being violent, and people in fandom seem to connect that larger cultural narrative with some of Toph’s more violent moments in the show to create the meathead murder child trope, erasing her canon emotionality, softness, heart, and femininity in the process. 

This is not to say that you shouldn’t write or characterize Toph as being violent or snarky at all ever, because yeah, Toph definitely did do Earth Rumbles a lot before joining the gaang, and yeah, Toph is definitely a sarcastic person who makes fun of her friends a lot. What I am saying is that people take these traits, sans the emotional logic, marry them to their conception of androgynous/butch women as violent/unemotional/uncaring, and thus create a caricature of Toph that is not at all up to snuff. When I see Toph as a side character in a fic (because yeah, Toph never gets to be a main character, because why would a fandom obsessed with one male character in particular ever make Toph a protagonist in her own right?) she’s making fun of people, killing people, pranking people, etc, etc. She’s never talking to people about her emotions, or palling around with her found family, or showing that she cares about her friends. Everything about her relationship with her parents, her disability, her relationship to Gender, and her love of her friends is shoved aside to focus on a version of Toph that is mean and uncaring because people have gotten it into their heads that androgynous/butch women are mean and uncaring. 

again, we see a female character who does not emote normatively or in a way that makes you, the viewer, comfortable, and so you warp her character until she’s completely unrecognizable and flat. and for what? 

Azula

no, I didn’t come up with a snappy name for this section, mainly because fanon interpretations of Azula and my own feelings toward the character are...complicated. I know there were some people who wanted me to write about Azula and the intersection of misogyny and ableism in fanon interpretations of her character, but I don’t think I can deliver on that because I personally am in a period of transition with how I see Azula. that is to say, while I still like her and believe that she can be redeemed, there is a lot of merit to disliking her. the whole point of this post is that the female characters of ATLA are complex people whom the fandom flattens into stereotypes that don’t hold up to scrutiny, or dislike for reasons that don’t make sense. Azula, however, is a different case. the rise of Azula defenders and Azula stans has led to this sentiment that Azula is a 14 y/o abuse victim who shouldn’t be held accountable for her actions. it seems to me that people are reacting to a long, horrible legacy of male ATLA fans armchair diagnosing Azula with various personality disorders (and suggesting that people with those personality disorders are inherently monstrous and unlovable which ahhhh....yikes) and then saying that those personality disorders make her unlovable, which is quite obviously bad. and hey, I get loving a character that everyone else hates and maybe getting so swept up in that love that you forget that your fave is complicated and has made some unsavory choices. it sucks that fanon takes these well-written, complex villains/antiheroes and turns them into monsters with no critical thought whatsoever. but the attitude among Azula stans that her redemption shouldn’t be hard, that her being a child excuses all of the bad things that she’s done, that she is owed redemption....all of that rubs me the wrong way. I might make another post about this in the future that discusses this in more depth, but as it stands now: while I understand that there is a legacy of misogynistic, ableist, unnuanced takes on Azula, the backlash to that does not take into account the people she hurt or the fact that in ATLA she does not make the choice to pursue redemption. and yes, Zuko had help in making that choice that Azula didn’t, and yes, Azula is a victim of abuse, but in a show about children who have gone through untold horrors and still work to better the lives of the people around them, that is not enough for me to uncritically stan her. 

Conclusion    

misogyny in this fandom runs rampant. while there are some tropes of fandom misogyny that are well-documented and have been debunked numerous times, there are other, subtler forms of misogyny that as far as I know have gone completely unchecked. 

what I find so interesting about misogyny in atla fandom is that it’s clear that it’s perpetrated by people who are aware of fandom misogyny who are actively trying not to be misogynistic. when I first joined atla fandom last summer, memes about how zukka fandom was better than every other fandom because they didn’t hate the female characters who got in the way of their gay ship were extremely prevalent, and there was this sense that *this* fandom was going to model respectful, fun, feminist online fandom. not all of the topes I’ve outlined are exclusive to or even largely utilized in zukka fandom, but a lot of them are. I’ve been in and out of fandom since I was eleven years old, and most of the fandom spaces I’ve been in have been majority-female, and all of them have been incredibly misogynistic. and I always want to know why. why, in these communities created in large part by women, in large part for women, does misogyny run wild? what I realize now is that there’s never going to be a one-size fits all answer to that question. what’s true for 1D fandom on Wattpad in 2012 is absolutely not true for atla fandom on tumblr in 2021. the answers that I’ve cobbled together for previous fandoms don’t work here. 

so, why is atla fandom like this? why did the dream of a feminist fandom almost entirely focused on the romantic relationship between two male characters fall apart? honestly, I think the notion that zukka fandom ever was this way was horrifically ignorant to begin with. from my very first moment in the fandom, I was seeing racism, widespread sexualization of minors, and yes, misogyny. these aspects of the fandom weren’t talked about as much as the crocverse or other, much more fun aspects. further, atla (specifically zukka) fandom misogyny often doesn’t look like the fandom misogyny we’ve become familiar with from like, Sherlock fandom or what have you. for the most part, people don’t actively hate Suki, they just “stan” without actually caring about her. they hate Mai because they believe in treating male victims of abuse equally. they’re not characterizing Toph poorly, they’re writing her as a “strong woman.” in short, people are misogynistic, and then invoke a shallow, incomplete interpretation of feminist theory to shield themselves from accusations of misogyny. it’s not unlike the way some people will invoke a shallow, incomplete interpretation of critical race theory to shield themselves from accusations of racism, or how they’ll talk about “freedom of speech” and “the suppression of women’s sexuality” to justify sexualizing minors. the performance of feminism and antiracism is what’s important, not the actual practice. 

if you’ve made it this far, first off, hi, thanks so much for reading, I know this was a lot. second, I would seriously encourage you to be aware of these fandom tropes and to call them out when you see them. elevate the voices of fans who do the work of bringing the female characters of atla to life. invest in the wlw ships in this fandom. drop a kudos and a comment on a rangshi fic (please, drop a kudos and a comment on a rangshi fic). read some yuetara. let’s all be honest about where we are now, and try to do better in the future. I believe in us.