#And not only is the main mechanic bi but she's ace too! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

phoebenavarro · 4 years

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the fading sun

I haven’t posted any of my writing here in a very long time but I’m rather proud of this piece so, why not. part of my “Jon decides Tim is the only person he can trust in s2″ AU, but can be read on it’s own

the magnus archives, jontim, 1,456 words

on ao3 here

Jon is the most tactile person Tim has ever met. It came as a bit of a surprise to him, because of the general vibe Jon has projected the entire time they’ve known each other, but as they’ve gotten closer, Tim has learned that Jon only allows himself to be like this with people he trusts, and Jon has never trusted many people. Tim feels all warm and fuzzy, knowing he’s one of the few people Jon trusts. So Tim holds Jon, and Jon clings to him like a lifeline. Jon is wrapped around him, with his head resting on Tim’s chest, and Tim is stroking Jon’s hair when a thought strikes him, and he snorts. Jon hums an inquisitive tone.

“Nothing really,” Tim says, “I just realized that this…..” he gestures between them, “Whatever this is. Us. Is the most stable relationship I’ve had in years.” Jon huffs out a half laugh, a little bitter.

“Yeah. Yeah, me too.”

Tim lets that sit in the air for a few minutes, enjoying the calm between them.

“What are we?” he asks, “Are we a couple? Romantically, I mean.”

Jon considers it. “I don’t know, are we?” he replies, lifting his head to look at Tim with a raised eyebrow. Tim pulls Jon up to face him more comfortably.

“Oh no, you’re not turning the question back on me,” Tim says, a little indignant, then, softer, “I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t interested.”

Jon has definitely thought about it. He’s thought about how his relationship with Tim really isn’t that different from any other romantic relationship he’s had in his life. The main difference is the lack of kissing (or well, snogging, but Jon hates that word), and going out on dates. Tim is handsome, and kind, and funny, and he’s the only person who makes Jon feel safe, the only person who understands exactly what Jon is going through.

So yes, it’s safe to say Jon is interested.

“I’d like that,” Jon says, shyly, “If you would.”

“Oh, I absolutely would.” Tim waggles his eyebrows at him, a large grin spreading across his face. Jon smiles back at him for a second, before his brain decides to ruin the moment for him.

“I’m asexual,” Jon blurts out. He winces, embarrassed at his own self. He’s never been good at this part. Tim sits up a bit, leaning on his elbow. He looks a little surprised, but not shocked at the sudden change in topic.

“I mean, I figured?” he says. Jon’s brain short circuits.

“You… What?”

Tim gestures to the black ring on Jon’s middle finger. “The ring. That’s an ace thing, right?”

“Oh!” Jon looks down at his hand. “Yes, uh.” Georgie gave it to him, shortly after he figured out he was ace. She was the first person to accept that he didn’t really want sex, and she was integral in helping him discover that there was a word for the way he felt. “I— Sometimes I forget I’m wearing it, and that other people know what it means.” Tim nods.

Jon plows on, unable to stop talking. He hasn’t dated in a long time, since before he got the head archivist position, so he hasn’t had to do the ‘coming out to a potential romantic partner’ spiel in a while. He’s always anxious about it, but with Tim, he’s terrified. Not that he thinks Tim will react badly, but… Every person he’s dated since Georgie lost interest after he came out to them. He knows that, statistically, his asexuality couldn’t have been the reason for all of them, especially when he considered his difficult personality, but the last thing Jon wants is to ruin what he and Tim have now.

“I don’t experience sexual attraction, I never have, and I just want you to know that sex isn’t something I’m interested in, except on very rare occasions. An— and it’s nothing you’ve done, it’s just me. It’s how I am.” He wishes he could blame it on a low libido, but it’s a lot more complicated than that.

Tim is looking at him with such gentleness that he thinks he might cry.

“Jon,” he says, “That is okay. More than okay, really. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.”

“I mean— I don’t—“ Jon sighs, “I know that sex is something that you enjoy.”

Tim laughs a little, because now it’s his turn to explain a complicated subject.

“Yeah, sure, I have been known to enjoy casual sex,” an understatement, “But it’s not something I’ve been doing lately.” He sighs, unsure of how to explain it. “After Danny I was just… Numb, for so long, and hooking up with people was an easy way to feel something. It was a coping mechanism, I guess, but it really wasn’t healthy, so I stopped. Not that I stopped hooking up with people completely, but y’know, going on dates with people first and making more genuine connections instead of just… using them. And then Prentiss happened, and well, I haven’t exactly been sleeping with anybody.

“I know what my reputation was in Research. and I first liked you because you were never all judgmental about that. So if you never want to have sex with me, I’m fine with that.”

“Well, I didn’t say never,” Jon mutters. He knows he gives off a ‘never’ kind of vibe, (and he was, for a long time, until he figured out what he likes and how he likes it), but he genuinely enjoys sex, on occasion. Usually the issue is that he’s too much in his own head, thinking too much about the logistics, the vulnerability required, that it’s too much trouble, but it can be different with someone he trusts.

“That didn’t come out right,” Tim says, “I don’t want you to think that you’re a burden, or something. Because you’re not, and I want to give this a go, with you, because you’re you, and I love you.”

Jon stares at Tim, dumbstruck for a moment, because it is such a painfully Tim way to say it, and Jon once again feels like he could cry.

“Thank you,” he says, “I appreciate you saying that. Other people have not taken it well, in the past.”

“Fuck that,” Tim responds, “I’m sorry people were shitty.”

“Guess we’ve got that in common,” Jon says.

“Yeah,” Tim sighs, “Bi ace solidarity?”

Jon nods and leans in closer to Tim. “Kiss me?”

Tim doesn’t need to be asked twice. He’s been thinking about it fairly often for the past few weeks. He presses his lips against Jon’s, gentle and chaste.Jon melts against him. Tim doesn’t want to push things too far, since they haven’t had a real conversation about boundaries, so they just trade soft, sweet kisses for a while. It feels simultaneously novel and intimate, and Tim finds himself thinking that he would be content to stay in this moment forever.

After some time, Jon pulls away, a small grin across his face.

“Alright?” Tim asks gently.

“Very much so,” Jon replies.

“Hey, if we’re dating, is it weird if I still call you boss?” Tim asks, humor back in his voice.

“Only if you’re into that,” Jon deadpans, and Tim laughs that delighted laugh he reserves for when Jon surprises him with a joke.

“Oh Christ,” Jon says, as he thinks about the implications of dating someone who is technically his employee, “HR is gonna be a nightmare about this.”

“I mean… Who says we have to tell them?” Tim says, and Jon stares at him, affronted. “Yes, alright, I’m sure the employee handbook has lots to say on the subject, but this stopped being a normal job the moment we got attacked by a worm lady, so forgive me if I don’t see the point in doing the proper HR paperwork.”

“I suppose you have a point.”

“I genuinely don’t think there’s much we can do at this point that would make Elias fire us. And if he did fire us for dating I would leave a hell of a bad review on GlassDoor.”

Jon smiles. “I don’t think academics really use GlassDoor.”

“Whatever,” Tim shrugs, “I think HR would also have a thing or two to say about me sharing a bed with my boss every night for the past few months.”

Jon’s face goes red at that. “Yes, alright. We won’t tell anyone.”

“I’ll make it up to you. We could go on a real, proper date? Go out to dinner, maybe see a movie?”

“I haven’t been to the cinema in ages,” Jon says, “ ‘Would be nice.”

Tim snickers. “Cinema. Alright, Grandad.”

Jon kisses him again to silence his teasing.

#the magnus archives #tma #tma fic #jontim #jontimweek #mine #my writing

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freedom-in-the-dark · 4 years

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James Flint Is Gay: A Meta Post

[slides into the Black Sails fandom late with Starbucks]

Hey! What’s up! Here’s a post no one asked for but I wrote mostly for me. Before we get into it, I’ve got some big notices to put on the top here.

DISCLAIMER: If you interpret James as bi, and you prefer that, I am not trying to say you can’t do that or to convince you otherwise!

You do you! If you’re not cool with seeing him as gay, please do us both a favor and keep scrolling past this post! I’m mildly aware that this fandom has a history of rough discourse surrounding this topic, but I cannot emphasize enough that I am new here, and this post is not an attack. Please do me the courtesy of not attacking me or blocking me or whatnot because I’m not trying to start drama lol. And for what it’s worth, I myself am bi (well, bi ace), so I’d like to think I’m being objective.

This post exists simply because I like to write meta out with my arguments / evidence lined up in a row; it gets things out of my head and onto a screen, and I find it satisfying. And if I’m doing it anyway, I might as well share.

So if you see James as gay, or have an open mind to that interpretation… please allow me to take you on this adventure under the cut. I’m sure it’s obvious, but this contains spoilers? Lol.

Here we go!

Compulsory Heterosexuality vs “Bi Erasure”

Firstly… to address some stuff I’ve seen in my limited Black Sails fandom travels right out of the gate: I’ve seen people imply that interpreting James as gay is “bi erasure,” or they ask “Why are you erasing that James was attracted to Miranda and had an affair with her?”

But to that I say: it’s far more complicated than that.

Gay people can have sexual relationships with people of the opposite sex, especially until / or before they identify as gay. This is how so many gay people can be married to the opposite sex and have biological kids, and then later realize their truth and come out to themselves and their families. Having those experiences or even some variation of actionable attraction to people of other sexes in the past doesn’t negate their ability to later identify as gay, once they stop burying those parts of themselves and/or experience something that “brings that part of them into the light.”

This is why the phrase compulsory heterosexuality exists. The phrase was originally coined by Adrienne Rich in a 1980 essay titled “Compulsory Heterosexuality and the Lesbian Experience.” So yes, let me make this clear: this term originated in reference to lesbians and feminist theory, and then the idea was later expanded upon to include discussions of gay men by other academics in the early 2000s. I’m not gonna dive too deeply into it here, but in essence–as the name implies–this is the idea that patriarchal and heteronormative societies are viewed as the default, so individuals are assumed (by themselves and otherwise) to be heterosexual until “proven” otherwise. Through these standards that are seen as “normal,” people are also taught from a young age–whether explicitly or subconsciously through society–that anything that deviates from those ~straight norms~ leads to negative consequences. And so, society encourages people to avoid sexual exploration, because having experiences with someone of the same sex is what can often bring their gay identity into focus.

In the case of Black Sails, this is all very much emphasized at the forefront because it’s a historical drama. Aside from racism/slavery, patriarchy and heteronormativity are what the characters are actively going to war against.

So, the point in me defining all of this? No one—or at least, not me—is saying that James didn’t have a sexual relationship with Miranda. That’s not in question. But that doesn’t necessarily make him bi, and it doesn’t mean the narrative isn’t structured in various ways that indicate otherwise.

Just keep this in the back of your brain, because I’m going to circle back around to it.

Anne, Flint, & Gay Rage

In the wise words of an old pirate captain: “Fruit, fruit. Tits, tits.” This show thrives on parallels, and gives us lines / scenes that apply to more than one character; it’s partially why the themes are so consistent, and if you ignore that, you can miss a lot of the nuance. Our resident angry gay gingers are one of the paralleled sets of characters.

This is not a meta about Anne… but talking about parts of Anne’s story can help to highlight some things about James’ story.

I tweeted this once: “Flint and Anne’s sexualities paralleled to show struggles with compulsive heterosexuality, fighting for the sake of fighting, bringing parts of themselves into the light, wrestling with being told they’re monsters and their distorted senses of self, etc.” and really, now I’m just here to elaborate.

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The word “monster” is a recurring theme in this show. It’s tied mostly to Flint and how he is told he is monstrous for loving a man, fears being “the villain” or “monster” in everyone’s stories, and eventually embraces that monstrous portrayal in service of his goals–even as the violence is slowly devastating to him. But the other character the word “monster” is used in reference to? Anne.

A quote by Max:

“Idelle, how would you feel if the one man you thought would never betray you did? If he purchased for himself a future through that betrayal? If you were told by a world full of men that that betrayal confirmed for them that they were right to see you as a monster to be shunned? She's not mad. She is adrift.”

In some ways, this quote is also the story of what has happened to James in his life, over and over. (Not to say this is what Jack intended to do to Anne, but the parallels inherent in Max’s line itself cannot be denied.)

James is repeatedly betrayed by those he trusts: Admiral Hennessey; Peter Ashe; Hal Gates. All of them try to get him to conform to heteronormative society–including Gates, because even if he didn’t know it, that’s what he was doing by trying to get James to take a pardon. That’s why James reacts with such instinctual panic and kills him; the idea of being forced to apologize to and assimilate back into heteronormative society puts him at a breaking point. (It can even be argued that Miranda “betrays” James in this way too by trying to get him to take a pardon and go to Boston–which is where his “and they called me a monster” speech comes in–and that also contributed to how James later panics and kills Gates for trying to force him to do the same. Miranda tried in a well-meaning way to get James to move on, because she isn’t fully understanding what James wrestles with; but I’ll go back to that.)

Again, these parallels are deliberate. Anne and Flint are the two main gay characters who wrestle with their supposed “monstrosity” in the eyes of everyone else, because they don’t fit in. They are “othered.” It’s not simply about their violence; for these characters, it’s about what their violence is in service of achieving, which is tied to their sexuality.

Anne is seen as a “monster” for slaughtering the men who abused Max, who is not only a fellow woman but also a fellow lesbian, in a way that Anne is undeniably drawn to even before she lets herself acknowledge the feeling. We as viewers are meant to see this and understand this, and we do. Anne is ostracized for violence that was motivated by her sexuality, which is partially why Max tells her that she understands her violence and will protect her–because Max is not only also a woman in a patriarchal society, but she is gay too.

Flint is seen as a “monster” first and foremost by England, for his sexuality… and then, later, by everyone else for the actions he takes because of his sexuality. Again: the violence he commits cannot be divorced from his sexuality because it is the reason for it. It’s what informs it.

I tweeted about this once too, but in many ways Anne and Flint’s kindred displays of brutality and anger and “fighting for the sake of fighting” (a quote by Miranda which applies to them both) are informed by their desire/need for gay tenderness. The world has too often denied them that tenderness and their expressions of their sexualities, or demonized them for wanting it, and their violence is the result.

Here’s a quote from Deborah Tolman with regards to how compulsory heterosexuality affects men, which she calls “hegemonic masculinity”:

"These norms demand that men deny most emotions, save for anger; be hard at all times and in all ways; engage in objectification of women and sex itself; and participate in the continuum of violence against women."

The anger and hardness is a huge part of the personas both Flint and Anne have to put on for survival. I include Anne in this because she uniquely lives her life in a “male” role to survive the male-dominated world of piracy, and she’s clearly not immune from these unspoken masculine guidelines: she refers to Max as “the whore” half the time as a defense mechanism. Flint and Anne lash out, they’re hard and angry and violent for the sake of their personas, and it’s all because... inside, they just want to be soft and gay with who they love.

Anne, Flint, & Compulsory Heterosexuality (Not Bi Erasure)

In Black Sails, we are shown the story of a gay person who has a consistent sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but is running from internal truths about themselves in some ways in the process. That person is Anne.

Struggling with compulsory heterosexuality is explicitly Anne Bonny’s prime storyline in the show and that is not up for debate (and I’ve rarely seen people disagree); but I argue that it is also part of James’ storyline, and he is paralleled significantly with Anne to make that clear. It’s just overall more subtle because it’s not the prime focus of James’ story the way it is for Anne, because James’ realizations happened largely in the past and we’re seeing the aftermath of it. The parallels are there, and I’ll be breaking some of them down.

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From episode one, we are told that Anne has a sexual relationship with Jack…. But later on, she tells Jack that she “can’t be [his] wife,” even though they’ll be partners forever. Why? What changed? The answer is that she’s been with Max and realized that she’s gay. It doesn’t mean Anne didn’t have sex with a man in the past and even enjoy it on some level, but it does mean that she knows now that she was using that sex partially to distract from things about herself that she was doing her best to ignore.

Multiple lines by Max (to Anne) tell us this:

3x03: “When you and I began you did not choose me. Something that lives inside you beyond choice made it so.”

2x01: “But perhaps there is something else underlying it. Something hiding in a place not even you can see. Perhaps… we would do well to bring it into the light.”

Before I continue, let me remind you of something: when writers decide to show viewers something on screen, that is done with intent, especially in a show like Black Sails where not a single moment is wasted. Remember this. What they show us, and what they don’t show us, are both deliberate choices.

So what are we shown about Anne’s sexual relationship with Jack? We get exactly one scene of her having sex with him. We are shown Anne riding Jack in a way where neither party was particularly enthused. Does this mean they definitely never had sex in the past that they both enjoyed on some level? No. But they showed us this one scene on purpose: to emphasize the stark difference when Anne has enjoyable sex with Max, an experience that forever changes her.

So what are we shown about James’ sexual relationship with Miranda? We get exactly one scene of him having sex with her. It is the most depressing sex scene of all time, James is just lying there to try to be helpful for her to chase her own pleasure, and he doesn’t even touch her. Does this mean they never had sex in the past that they both enjoyed, especially back during their affair in London? No. But we are never shown any of that. We never see them have sex in London before James’ relationship with Thomas; we never see them having good sex with each other after it all goes to hell. And that is a deliberate choice.

Why? Because all of the above info about Anne and her compulsory heterosexuality journey also applies to James McGraw, and his relationships with Miranda and Thomas.

“They paint the world full of shadows... and then tell their children to stay close to the light. Their light. Their reasons, their judgments. Because in the darkness, there be dragons. But it isn't true. We can prove that it isn't true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility, there is freedom in the dark once someone has illuminated it.”

The realizations James came to about his sexuality (just like Anne did) inform much of his tangled story with the Hamiltons, and much of the tragedy of Miranda and James’ situation after the loss of Thomas. We are shown the way James and Miranda are no longer perfectly aligned after that loss, and grief is undeniably a part of it… but it goes beyond that. It’s more complicated than that.

That sad sex scene is not solely about grief; remember, that scene takes place ten years after they lose Thomas. It takes place during a time where Miranda is already thinking about and will soon actively try to tell James that they need to move on, without understanding why the loss of Thomas affects him in a profoundly different way than it affects her. I am not minimizing her loss or her grief whatsoever; but it is undeniably more complicated for James, and it’s why he can’t move on.

In episode 1x07:

James: “Have you no memory of how we got here? What they took from us?”

Miranda: “What does it matter now? What does it matter? What does it matter what happened then if we have no life now?”

James is, of course, appalled by this. I’ll talk about why momentarily.

The next time James is in Nassau (2x03), he goes to see Miranda and tries to apologize that night, but she’s otherwise engaged. So he stands outside of her window looking in, surrounded by darkness, while she’s playing the clavichord with children in the light. It is symbolically the domestic version of a heterosexual ideal. He is “othered” by the camera angles / framing, and the dark / light aspects. James is relegated to being an outsider literally because as Flint he’s a pirate, but metaphorically because he’s gay; the reason we as viewers are given that scene is to underscore that he feels he has no place in that display.

Ultimately, James is misaligned with Miranda after the loss of Thomas (shown in both the sad sex scene and arguments) in a way that goes beyond grief. The implication is that things cannot ever be the same for him again since the loss of “his truest love” and the truths he learned about himself.

If James and Miranda were simply at odds with one another because of grief, it would be far less of a “tragedy” in some ways. But James cannot heal the way Miranda slowly finds the way to over ten years, because Thomas signifies things for James that Miranda cannot relate to. In London, when Thomas is taken from them, Miranda even yells to James, “He is my husband!” Her grief and rage are shown as equal to James at the start and have extreme validity; the two of them are partners in the plan to kill Alfred Hamilton for revenge; but then she is able to somewhat move on, whereas James is not.

Why? Because, for James, Thomas was not just his (truest) love; Thomas was the awakening of his fullest self as a gay man.

In the same way that Anne can’t be Jack’s “wife” after she’s been with Max and realizes she’s gay, James cannot content himself with fulfilling the role of Miranda’s “husband” after he’s been with Thomas and realizes he’s gay. Neither of these facts minimize Anne’s love and devotion to Jack, or James’ love and devotion to Miranda; they are undeniably two sets of partners. But Anne and James are forever altered by their experiences with same sex lovers, and the truths about themselves that were brought into the light as a result.

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Another part of the tragedy of James and Miranda is what happens right when we see Miranda grasp the significance of all of the above. Whether or not she grasped it before in the past, we are shown it only once on screen, and that’s in Charlestown.

Peter Ashe says this in 2x09:

“You will tell them about the affair with Thomas. You will tell them how it ended. You will explain to them what it drove you to do. You will reveal everything. And when you do, Captain Flint will be unmasked, the monster slain. And in his place will stand before all the world a flawed man, a man that England can relate to and offer its forgiveness.”

This is James’ worst nightmare; we know as such from what he told Miranda back in 1x07, and from when he killed Gates. And yet, here and now in 2x09, he is exhausted from pushing back against heteronormative society, all he wants is to retire the mantle of Flint born of gay rage, and he actually contemplates playing by their rules and giving into their judgements of his sexuality... until Miranda comes to his defense.

In season 1, Miranda didn’t seem to fully understand James’ thoughts on this, but here–in combination with her realizations about Peter Ashe’s betrayals–she finally does. And she’s not having it.

“What forgiveness are you entitled to while you stand back in the shadows pushing James out in front of the world to be laid bear for the sake of the truth? Tell me, sir, when does the truth about your sins come to light?”

And the moment she is yelling in rage on behalf of James, and their combined loss, and how Peter would dare to force James to experience shame about his sexuality again–she is instantly shot for it. A woman who’s yelling on behalf of a gay man? In a patriarchal heteronormative society? It has no place. England makes that clear.

It all further underlines James’ sense of “otherness”... and now he decides to embrace it, even at his own emotional detriment. He will no longer try to fit in or reason with them; he will no longer accept their halfway measures of pardons. He can’t, because in the eyes of England, all that he is as a gay man is abhorrent.

2x10: “Everyone is a monster to someone. Since you are so convinced that I am yours, I will be it.”

3x05, to the Maroon Queen: “...England takes whatever, whenever, however it wants. Lives. Loves. Labor. Spirits. Homes. It has taken them from me. I imagine that it has taken it from you.”

The Way James Views Miranda

And here is where I simply give you more food for thought–or further “evidence” of James being gay, if you will.

All of Flint’s lines about how he views Miranda are worded very, very deliberately.

Here’s a minor one, from 1x05:

“So you can probably guess it isn't as much fun to tell stories about how your captain makes a home with a nice Puritan woman who shares his love of books.”

There is nothing overtly romantic or sexual about this. It’s said in a one-on-one conversation with Billy, where Flint neither has to make the relationship sound like something it isn’t nor refuse to give any info whatsoever. So he goes with what is the seemingly-mild truth.

But 3x01, convincing the men to forego pardons:

“But what price surrender? To beg forgiveness from a thing that took my woman from me? My friend?”

“My woman” is what Flint says for the benefit of the men… these men who are part of the heteronormative world they all live in, and still value sexual relationships with women above all else. It’s about hegemonic masculinity, remember? (“Objectification of women and sex itself.”) He’s doing his best to speak their language.

But “my friend” is a secondary line that was not needed for the purposes of this speech, but James could not keep himself from adding it in a quieter tone–because that’s who Miranda was to him. His friend. Not his woman, which drips sexism and sexual undertones. Not his wife. Not even his “love,” which he could’ve used if he wanted to be ambiguous and sneak a Thomas reference in; he said “my woman” to appeal to the men, and then he added “my friend” because in the face of her memory he couldn’t help it.

And lastly, in 3x03, we begin to hear from “ghost Miranda.”

But what is ghost Miranda? She’s a voice from James’ traumatized mind. Everything she says to him is about truths he already knows and/or things he is hiding from himself. So what “she” says here is a voice from James’ mind; it’s about how James sees her, and subtly elaborates on his sexuality in the process.

“When I first met you, you were so... Unformed. And then I spoke and bade you cast aside your shame, and Captain Flint was born into the world... the part of you that always existed yet never were you willing to allow into the light of day. I was mistress to you when you needed love. I was wife to you when you needed understanding. But first and before all... I was mother. I have known you like no other. So I love you like no other. I will guide you through it, but at its end is where you must leave me. At its end is where you will find the peace that eludes you, and at its end lies the answer you refuse to see.”

This does not diminish Miranda’s importance to James in the least! In fact, it emphasizes it, and it is all part of why he is so ruined over her! But it is also, in the oddest way, an elaboration upon how he isn’t bi: Miranda was his partner in many things, including shared grief and revenge and some semblance of life for ten long years; and she was also was instrumental to his formation of himself as a person (“mother”), and his acceptance of himself as a gay man (“love” and “understanding”). This is how he sees her. Mistress and wife were roles she filled in his life, but above all, she contributed to the birth of Captain Flint–the personification of James’ gay rage.

Of course, the “answer” that ghost Miranda (the depths of James’ brain) alludes to here as well as her later words of “you are not alone” are all about James needing to recognize that Silver is a newfound partner and love for him… but that’s a whole other meta entirely.

Closing Thoughts

Look, did I consult a couple of specific scenes and look up transcripts to put quotes in this? Yes. But have I still only seen the show in its entirety once? Also yes. My point in mentioning this is that, if I did a full rewatch, there might even be more evidence I haven’t mentioned here. This isn’t meant to be comprehensive, but I do feel that it... certainly conveys the gist of the mood.

You may still agree to disagree if you prefer to see James Flint as bi; I’m not here to fight you on it and what queer characters mean to you personally.

But for me, when surveying all available evidence, the narrative screams that he’s gay. In that sense, my thoughts on this matter are similar to my thoughts on the ending; sure, you can interpret it one way if you look at certain details, but if you take in all the evidence and the big picture as a whole… there’s a specific conclusion to be drawn.

Last thing I’ll say is this: Steinberg himself has said that Flint is gay, which I found out way after watching the show and forming this interpretation. And like... not that if I wanted to hardcore argue he was bi I wouldn’t disregard Steinberg’s words, because in my experience the narrative speaking for itself is always more important than than creators’ words, but... in this instance (as in all Black Sails instances I’ve come across), his words just underscore what the well-crafted narrative is already telling us, because the creators wrote this show with intent. They knew what they were doing.

And thus, I will quote him (from these GIFs) below.

“When we were trying to build the story, we wanted whatever this thing was that made [Flint] feel alienated to be so deeply tied into who he was that there was no way he was every going to dismiss this thing that happened to him. We wanted to make sure we understood what the reality was in England in terms of how homosexuality was perceived. In some ways it was more tolerated, in some ways it was significantly less tolerated. I think in terms of Flint being gay, it’s about the fact that it is a tool that is used politically when convenient to make somebody be a monster… and it isn’t even really about the relationship.”

(If you buy the series on iTunes, you get an “inside” look at every episode, including this one from 2x05.)

EDIT: I had no idea Toby Stephens basically confirmed my thoughts that James' relationship with Thomas was his actualization as a gay man, so excuse me as I lose my mind for a moment:

“I think his relationship to Thomas Hamilton, the initial friendship and then becoming lovers is sort of like the realization of himself. I think he became himself with Thomas Hamilton. His potential was unleashed with Hamilton.”

And just for fun, since I’m here anyway, here’s a piece of a Steinberg quote about Anne from the Fathoms Deep podcast.

“In terms of Rackham and Bonny, I think that was another thing that I assumed for a long time could never go away. That they were essentially, you know, that they were married. You know not legally, but they were functionally married. And then this story happened in Season 2 with Bonny, that I think with like with a gun to my head of things that I’m proud of with the show, probably at the top is this story of this woman coming out and understanding that she’s gay. . . And so when we got to a point where it was like, I think she’s gay? Like I don’t think this is something we want to be wishy-washy about. It required getting over that hump with Rackham of, ‘Well like what am I going to do with this relationship? I don’t want to split them up?’ And I think it became something way more interesting.”

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I love James Flint and his gay rage, I love you if you read all of this, and I love my friend @sunbardy who dealt with me yelling about this in DMs and then proofread the doc.

Hit me up on Twitter @gaypiracy if you want, where I do most of my Black Sails related yelling. And shitposting. Because I contain multitudes.

Know No Shame, my friends.

#black sails #james flint #know no shame #flinthamilton #captain flint #anne bonny #meta #black sails meta #miranda hamilton #jackanne #maxanne #legit have no idea what else to tag #my meta

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elmaxlys · 3 years

Text

So.. the AU™

Setting: post-canon/no arrive (so beware of spoilers) - everyone came back to the normal world

Additional notes: Juo didn’t die + post redemption, Kuon has a body, humans that got close to god + strong angels + apostle got remnants of their powers such as physical power and enhanced senses

This AU is my Yamajuoka (Yamanami x Juo x Rika) playground so it’s mainly that

And now, the details:

Juo and Rika got in a physical relationship while still in the high-rise world. Rika & Kohei are very close then too but not romantically or sexually involved. Kohei is wary of Juo, Juo is lowkey jealous of Kohei’s closeness with Rika, your typical love triangle. Juo is undergoing redemption and at that time the only person he can stand is Rika (and Rika is one of the rare that can stand Juo)

When they come back, after some adaptation time, Rika and Juo move in together. Rika gets in an open romantic relationship with Kohei. Kohei and Juo get used to each other. Juo and Rika also start dating. They gradually go from V relationship to T relationship. After a while, because Yamajuo is slow burn, they become a triad.

Kohei is a programmer, Rika is a lawyer (when he was still a student he worked as a private tutor), Juo is a mechanic. They all move in together after they’ve all been out of uni for a few years.

In the meantime:

Yuri and Nise have been dating each other since way back. Yuri is still in uni, Nise started working straight out of high-school. When they all came back, Nise started living with the Honjo. They’re saving up to move in together.

Yuuka is my big interrogation mark. Since we only know about his life when he was, like, seven, it’s hard to think of what to do with him. I’ll wait for more canon info for all that concerns him.

Kuon went back to her family and is being trained to inherit her father’s company. She’s still in contact with the others but she can’t see them very often because of familial restrictions. She’s still crushing hard on Sniper

And that’s for the main info on the main characters lol

random infos:

I said no arrive but Nise still has Falcon because I like him and she deserves a good doggo.

Yuuka and Nise never got used to Juo but Kuon and him became good friends

the ot3 can’t get married but they wear rings and call each other husbands

Juo is a he/him enby and gay. He still uses Juo as his name whenever he can

Kohei is demi-ace

Rika is bi

Yuuka is aroace

the ot3 are feared around town because not only are they openly queer but also because of their appearance (Juo’s tattoos, piercings, long hair and missing eye + Kohei’s missing eye and fingers)

Haruka sees them as big brothers and she often comes to see them. They become her safe place when she has nowhere to go. Her dad doesn’t approve of any that but she’s a chaotic kitten and the more she sees Juo the more chaotic she becomes

because yes, even with redemption, Juo stays a chaotic bastard, just less evil. You can’t prove he killed that cop or that one homophobe

Kohei wears an eyepatch on his eye, Juo has a glass eye

Juo has no ties to a family but Kohei still sees his.

#yamajuoka #ts fic #not really but still #just so i can find it again lol #tenkuu shinpan #honjo rika #juo #yamanami kohei #honjo yuri #nise-chan #yunise #shinzaki kuon #yu-chan #alternate universe

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science-lings · 4 years

Note

I'm glad you had fun doing it because I had so much fun reading it! what about some headcanons about Tony and Peter spending some sort of holiday together? may and pepper would be good aswell!

okay, let’s do a few of my favorite holidays.

Pride Month:

Tony already has a bisexual-pride iron man suit featuring glitter and a rainbow confetti canon so he can fly over the crowd and shower the gays with colorful bits of paper. All of which are biodegradable and disintegrate before the parade is even over. He flys around and says hi to all the kids and is generally like his iron man 2 kind of presenter but like more queer.

Peter’s first pride was as spider-man, he worked on his suit with Tony for a month and it’s not for fighting. Its fabric changes color on command so he can go between trans pride colors to ace pride colors to bi pride colors to rainbow and he can’t stop changing them the whole time. He also has a trans pride flag as a cape the whole time. He does a whole lot of interacting with people and spending his money on pins and has too many of them at this point. He sticks to Tony’s back to fly around and waving at the people below.

May and Pepper, who do not like hurling in the air but still like being a part of things, end up taking charge of the stark industries funded avengers float (the main six if we want to care about civil war or not idc) each with a different pride-themed outfit even if they didn’t completely co-respond with the avengers actual identities. Like I headcanon Steve as straight but maybe trans idk, he’s a confused old man that has to take several days to research the gays and then realizes OH THAT’S A SLUR WHOOPS.

I don’t know that the avenger's float would look like but if spider man is part of it, he’s on iron man’s back and even in paper mache looks very excited. The next year they go as themselves and go all out with face paint and stuff. Tony is already good at makeup so he gives Peter some crazy blue, purple, and pink eyeshadow and even some sharp eyeliner. They went all out with outfits and for some reason, no one could recognize Tony Stark when he has so much makeup on and fishnet tights. May bleached and dyed her hair rainbow because Tony said he’d pay for it and she was not one to pass up free fun. Pepper got a rainbow pantsuit and rainbow heart glasses and resumed work as normal. She didn’t bring it up.

Halloween:

Tony is experienced in elaborate Halloween costumes that only celebrities can afford. It started at MIT before that he wasn’t allowed to do anything for Halloween because Howard is a dick. Tony has gone from everything from a demon and a vampire to slutty Captain America and slutty Darth Vader. He thinks he’s funny. He went to the superhero-themed met gala as a gender-bent black widow, he dyed his hair red and wore classy black leather. That was the year he convinced Natasha to come and she wore an Iron Man themed dress that showed off her strong arms and featured a cloak. It also featured a glowing fully functioning arc reactor because Tony didn’t do things halfway.

May had always helped Peter with making his own Halloween costumes and since he's pretty proven to be good at sewing, he usually makes his own. Usually, they weren’t amazing but he worked hard on them. He turned some old dented metal from a destroyed car into a partially functioning iron man suit that he wore for several Halloweens and refuses to show Tony but eventually it just happens.

Together with Tony’s fashion sense and Peter’s enthusiasm, they become an unstoppable Halloween team and go all out every single year. Tony made a more family-friendly Darth Vader as Peter went as Luke Skywalker, both with real lightsabers that they had way too much fun making. However, he couldn’t take it to school. Thankfully a Han Solo flavored Ned and a for some reason Goth Princess Leia themed MJ came over to Stark Tower for a chill Halloween party and got so see the lightsabers. Under heavy supervision by an Obi-Wan Kenobi Aunt May. She only withstood the fake beard for pictures.

Pepper goes to work as a clown every year and her only explanation is that its symbolism for her life. Before she was CEO she dressed up as a strawberry as for a while that was the scariest thing to her.

EXTRA:

Tony has a massive panic attack every Fourth of July. Then he has cheeseburgers with his family that May makes because Tony would find a way to start a fire and no one wants to deal with that.

Tony has a panic attack every Christmas as it’s the time that always reminds him of his parent's death. Then he watches the grinch four times in a row. He has memorized the whole film as a coping mechanism.

May and Peter go out for Italian every valentine’s day and reminisce on happy story about ben before getting sad and gorging on breadsticks again.

okay this is long again whoopsies

#irondad #ironfam #irondad headcanons #ask gay #headcanons #Anonymous

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jackdaniel69nice · 4 years

Text

Ninjago OC’s

I don’t really make ocs unless it’s plot specific but here are a few I have because it’s oc day I guess (this got so long I’m sorry)

Side Characters

Brody Grey and the Oppenheimer gang

Description: mid 20s, tip-dyed black hair (color is subject to change but he likes red), likes to wear tie-dye and anything from the 80s, average adult male height, Gay

Personality: overdramatic but with a rational head, energetic and likes to tease, gives good advice and father figure I guess?, love of reading and writing, can be flirty and cocky at times

Backstory: Was disowned by his parents when he came out and has had to make it on his own, Theater major at the Oppenheimer and successful too, was Cole’s roomate (they didn’t get along at first)

Plot Purpose: Cole-centric backstory exploration, Brody and co. reveal a lot about Cole’s past to the other ninja (more about the emo depressed grieving version in the pilots) and helps him come to terms with it, Also tell them you’re gay Cole, yeesh. The other friends are important to expanding the other ninja like Alex (non-binary, quiet, goth, Violinist) helps Jay deal with that he’s trans and coming out of the closet, Persila (bi, short blond, actor, excitable conspericy theorist and fandom queen) Probably figures out Jay is Cliff Gordon’s son, Melissa (lesbian, singer, Mom, sweet thing but easy to anger and holds a grudge) Was the first one Cole latched onto in the group because she reminded him so much of his mom [there are other things too with Nya and Kai and Zane but I don’t feel like elaborating more now], ANYWAY Jay takes Cole to see a musical and recognizes Brody (who he hasn’t been in contact with since he left) and they talk after the show leading down the road of all Cole’s old college friends meeting the ninja

Random Facts: He’s dating Vinnie and NO ONE CAN STOP ME, he’s sorta supposed to be Cole’s foil (where Cole is blasting My Chemical Romance and AC/DC he’s blasting Boogie Box High and SOS Band), he’s a mash of all the other ninjas personality’s not gonna lie

Tony Tabloid

Description: 12-14ish, shorter side but gets a major growth spurt when older, short black/brown hair, missing tooth, classic news boy hat that’s to big for him

Personality: Bright young boy with plenty of street smarts, will talk your ear off, full of himself and would fight anyone or anything no matter their size, very energetic but with a cool attitude

Backstory: Orphan at Walker’s Home (Jay’s rich and built an orphanage cause he’s nice like that) in Ninjago city, was on the street since young age, ex-thief, turned around at Walker’s though and now is head of the Ninjago city newspaper delivery (probably knows Nelson)

Plot Purpose: All the ninja seem to have a child that gives them advice at one point or another so here’s Jay’s, Jay has the rights to the Star Fairer enterprise (unknown to the other ninja) and when Lloyd mentions they should make new movies but can’t he goes about making it happen, he makes it all seem like he’s uninvolved but somehow gets them vip passes to see the movie in action (he says it’s from his ex-acting career connections), Tony is playing the younger version of Fritz’s son (our main character) in flashbacks, Jay is the one who got him his “gig”, he ends up revealing a lot of stuff Jay would rather keep hidden and probably almost dies doing something stupid and Jay has to save him

Random facts: Tabloid obviously isn’t his real last name (not sure wheather he chose it himself or people just started calling him that) it’s obviously related to his work, speaking of work he wants to become a journalist or reporter when he grows up, Jay gave him one of his smile buttons and he put it on his hat, I like to think in the future he gets adopted by Brody and Vinnie

Fievel Schmidt

Jay’s old friend, knew him before he transitioned, I mostly only use him in movie!verse BUT..., in show his mother is a mecahnic who buys parts from Ed and Edna, boyfriend ran off so she’s a single mom, the walkers always take a weekly trip into ninjago city to trade and sell so she’s a regular, Edna takes Jay and Fieval to the arcade and does grocery shopping, unfortunately his mom got seriously injured and can’t do mechanics anymore so they lose touch, plump and short, very sweet boy

Next Master of Sound

I feel like everyone forgot Jacob died in season 4 so here’s a reminder, he never had any children so it went to a random kid, little girl, Long black hair, she accidentally killed her parents when she caused their house in her small village to collapse from crying and activating her powers, selectively mute from fear of her own voice, Cole adopts her, becomes a next gen ninja I guess?, the only time she uses her power is when she sings (which Cole taught her to do)

*Witch doctor, Percy

Male, Lives in the Departed Realm, takes care of it sorta?, knows good magic, hangs out with whisps, helps the ninja (usually Cole) get home by telling them about a portal

Old Man

Grocery market clerk from ignacia, payed off hospital bills for Kai (14) after Nya (10) had an allergic reaction to perfume, Kai had work for him moving veggies and such for several months (got to keep some food though)

Snake Fam

Venomari lesbian who lives in the woods with her wife and 3 adopted kids (one is human), she (her kids) rescue one the ninja and bring them home to heal up so they can go save the others

Tagalong

Jay’s cat he had growing up...Not gonna talk about her right now [if you know, you know]

Villains

Felicia Blake

Scientist obsessed with trying to understand magic and elemental powers, thinks she can figure out how to channel elemental power like the First Spinjitzu Master did, very confident, only concerned with progress and no concern for individual life, ends up capturing Jay and experimenting on him :(

*Ali

Referenced in the Amulet of Ali which channels pure evil/dark magic, was the first sorcerer ever and basically made magic, was banished to the realm of madness and gained power there bringing back his learnings to ninjago, he wrote the book of spells which clouse and and garmadon studied under Chen (which is how garm knew the realm would give him power), Probably killed by Libber (previous EM of lightning) who sacrificed herself to stop him [but did she really kill him?!], Clouse gets the amulet from Borg Tower which boosts his power and now him and Jay have to duke it out like their previous versions did

???

Someone had to make Mr. E, I wonder who?, Jay took Echo back to Cliff’s flat to live after skybound and fixed him up, he might of done a few to many upgrades though and someone saw this as an opportunity, he was attacked while Jay was away and barely got away hiding in the secret room, unfortunately Jays blueprints were stolen (unknown to him) and the rest destroyed, Jay took Echo to the his parents but after seeing Mr. E he’s worried, now someone is throwing out new nindroids based on his designs and they are still searching for Echo, this mystery person plans to build an even stronger nindroid army to sell, prove they are a worthy inventor, and maybe take down the ninja along the way [do partially sentient multicolored nindroids based on the ninja count as ocs?]

*subject to my whims and could change to fill similar plots

#ninjago #ninjago oc day 2020 #ninjago oc #Brody Grey #Tony Tabloid #dont worry once i figure out how to draw cats ill tell you all about Tagalong #she gets her own post #Tagalong

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thebowcollector · 4 years

Text

hey tumblr, long time no see

I'll probs put a post up as a lil summary for this year in dec just as a log for myself but for now, i wanna talk about a new game ive played!

its called ikenfell and most of it will be under the cut cos spoilers. all you need to know is if youre looking for a good magic mystery rpg that may or may not take a dark turn, this game is for you.

many people have been comparing it to be hogwarts but without the influence of a terf and theyre right! the ikenfell world is filled to the brim with magic, spells, and alchemy. the story bases on a girl whose sister went missing in the magical school, ikenfell, and decides to look for her there.

i loved how as the story progresses, it gets more muddled and tangled with the school’s history and how magic works in this world. even in this short game, youre introduced to deities of the world that unravels the origin of magic and its system so youre provided with enough context.

the environments are also so beautiful and charming in the game. i particularly liked the twilight forest and astronomy tower because of its twinkling lights and the fireflies that follow you around!! so gorgeous. other dungeons were also superb in setting the mood for the story, when paired with the music. this was especially so in the stacks.

the puzzles you get through are so interesting and satisfying once you solve them! each dungeon has different puzzle types, but none too difficult. they also lend a hand in building up the mystery aspect of the game. most of the puzzles were also designed to fit into the different context of the dungeons and acts as a tool for storytelling, really well thought out!

fight sequences are also so interesting!! the enemies are creative and have attacks that reflect what they are. the battle mechanic is also refreshing as its not only a time-based fight but also a strategy-based one. each of your attacks are not mana caped but planning out your moves play an important role in determining if you’ll win or lose.

and the music! oh, the music was so charming! as it was done by the same team that did steven universe, you can expect similar chiptune meets piano style of scores. but it still distinct from the show, so it doesnt feel like it was an extension of it. and theres singing and really good lyrics!!

a big selling point of the game though, i think are the characters. they all have such great character development throughout the story. they each have issues and problem they must deal with. topics like self confidence, isolation, relationships with others, and even ptsd are explored carefully and respectfully. the amount of effort put into presenting a healthy way others can react to those topics are superb. i think the most outstanding one was when maritte approached perty as she was experiencing symptoms of the ptsd. although maritte went against perty’s will so that she could pull her to safety, she went back to apologize to perty. respecting one’s boundaries is important, no matter the circumstances and im so glad this game addressed it.

another aspect of the characters i need to talk about is how none of them are straight. in the main cast of playable characters, half of them are non binary and the rest are either gay or bi and i am living for it. and its all so natural when its indicated that character is gay or nb, they didnt make a big fuss by saying things like, btw, xx is gay or xx uses they/them or ze/zir. it all shown in how each character react when they meet each other and im in love. another thing the game handled really well was when someone misgendered a character. rook just straight up corrected her “excuse you, im non binary.” the game said that we shouldnt be apologetic when someone misgenders us because its how we identify ourselves, its who we are. finally, ive always identified with petronella as they is nb and shy. but something maritte said about them in the epilogue that completely broke me was “you dont do relationships, right?” i havent come across any media that has an aromantic character and i was just so overcome with joy i burst into tears. there are ace rep, but aromantic? oh boy.

this game is so filled with love and creativity and charm. did i mention that you can pet all the cats? yea.

#ikenfell #minor spoilers under the cut #major character spoilers under the cut #this game is so fucking good yall #dont sleep on it #theres something for everyone #youve got good plot puzzles battles music animation and characters

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ftkd-arts · 4 years

Text

this is just a dump don’t worry about it

And i’ll break their ass down

Felicity Smoak

How I feel about this character

I’m love her. Felicity is the main reason why I kept on my Arrow binge, and now it’s one of my favorite shows.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Oliver, of course! Let’s go down the list, in order of which I shipped them; Sara, Alena, Nyssa, Black Siren. Probably more but i haven’t rewatched the earlier seasons in a while

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Curtis, bffs

My unpopular opinion about this character

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

More badass moments. Felicity is an amazing hacker, but I truly believe she would have advanced in the field as well if trained. Sure, I love Morally Gray! Felicity, but this part of her was quickly demonized by her friend group and I dunno that’s just uncomfortable for me. Felicity ain’t allowed to carry a gun so she can feel safe? She’s been kidnapped how many fucking times and Oliver’s throwing a shitfit now that she has the means to protect herself? It just doesn’t make sense. I feel like Oliver would object to Felicity killing, but also, she’s already commited mass murder? That’s the entire reason Ragboy left? Like she’s already killed people, Oliver, she’s been to the dark side before, dude, you can’t “save” her. I think he would’ve been more likely to train Felicity so she can defend herself properly so the gun wasn’t her only source of defense just in case it was used against her. Honestly all the teams need to train their more brainy members how to fight in general, you cannot have a person involved in something that could get them killed and not do that guys

Killer Frost (The Flash)

How I feel about this character

TSUNDERE BABE

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Caitlin, OTP. I’ve never created so much art for a pairing before, whether it be fanfics or drawings. Silver Banshee and Livewire is my favorite crack ot3 for her. Probably makes passes at all her boys’ girls, like Iris and Kamilla and Sue

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Ralphie! They’re bros

My unpopular opinion about this character

Gagagagagagagaagay, socially awkward tsundere, just wants to be loved, will punch you in the face if you find out, panic attacks 24/7, so much anger issues

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

More soft moments with the team. I think she and Iris would work really well as passive-aggressive friends, y’know the type whose love language is insulting each other constantly

Cisco Ramon (The Flash)

How I feel about this character

I wuv him. Third favorite in the Flash, behind Frost and Cait respectively. Long hair, don’t care, nerd boy, i have a big gay crush on him, I really connect to his whole ‘i-was-emotionally-neglected-by-my- parents-and-fictional-characters-raised-me’ vibe. Also hair. pwetty. run hair??? run fingers through hair? ples

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Alright I’m poly and a multishipper so this is gonna be a long one. Keep in mind that I personally headcanon Cisco as bisexual aromantic, but as a subset identity called cupioromantic; my basic understanding of it is that though this label has no romantic feelings, they desire relations that are romantic-esque. Let’s go down the list! Ralph Dibny, Sue, and Kamilla as an ot4 absolutely melts me, Iris and Cisco are so good but Barco is neat too! Them as an ot3 could be so cute. Ronnie x Cisco is a gem. OH and he and Hartley used to date but broke up

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Caitlin of course! They’re best bros! The nerdy scientist and the professional doctor, both emotionally stunted idiots. I like to think they bonded over a shared love for horror movies, and that’s how they became friends. Also a bit of Killer Frost! Of course Cisco would have some relationship with his best friend’s alter. They’re not best friends (Frost considers Ralph her best friend), but they’re close. He introduced her to Game of Thrones. Frost calls him “Cissy,” “Transco” and “Vibeboy.” Cisco overuses “White Walker” way too much when talking with her.

My unpopular opinion about this character

A good boy?? I dunno, I can never find any content for Aro Cisco. I like to think that he’s emotionally stunted because his parents weren’t affectionate, and he developed a broad fixation on escapist fantasies for comfort and stimulation, like tv shows and comics. This could just be a projection ha

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I wish Cisco would just get confirmed as trans already! And he should talk about the fact he has a dead brother more often, that sting doesn’t just go away after a few episodes. Also give him and Iris more of a relationship. Also make him talk to Ralph more. Also there needs to be more chemistry with Kamilla, like comeon guys let’s see some banter over here rn he has more canonical chemistry with Ralph’s girlfriend

Caitlin Snow (The Flash)

How I feel about this character

My socially awkward darling.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Killer Frost. Just,, Frostie. Killersnow is my jam, I still chug out content for it to this day. Also Patty x Cait is a fun crackship, maybe throw Iris in it, too. Probably has a small crush on Kara and Kate. Way bigger crush on Lena and Alex. Buff smarties are her bread and butter, probably why she was so into Ronnie. Otherwise I generally see her as asexual

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Cisco, Barry, Ralphie. Cisco especially, they’re besties, everyday, inside jokes, binge-watch together, dumb idiots with wildly different coping mechanisms, I think that;s why I like their friendship so much? Cait sort of just shuts down, ignores it, pushes herself into something she views as more productive than her thoughts and feelings. Cisco de-constructs his emotions by putting them in ways he can easily understand, into comics and characters, because tv was his only escape from the emotional neglect his family offered. Caitlin focused solely on getting out and being someone Thomas could be proud of, y’know?

My unpopular opinion about this character

Ace, bi, poly. Neutral, polite, aloof, superiority complex, inferiority complex, definite imposter syndrome-- idunno i fell in love with s1 Cait and I wish her canonically life-long tendency to repress and deny would show up more. Definitely the smartest in any given group (and she knows it), but is nice about it. Remember in season one when she called a brain freeze the long-ass scientific name? Instant love, I’m love her, I wish she did that more, clearly she loves science and medicine and biology so so much and I really hope they show more of her being a fuckin dork for it, it makes her feel so much more human, she’s just. great

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Just went on a rant about it in the above text. Let Caitlin be a dork! Let her be repressive and emotional and I-can-do-it-on-my-own-y! Let her be all this and more, a human whose conditioned herself a robot, I love that concept so much. Let Caitlin be herself!

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hms-chill · 5 years

Text

The Dewey Decimal System, and Other Love Languages

Alternate Title: Love in the Time of Midterms

Summary: A few weeks into his job at the library, a patron asks Henry where to find “the gay books”, kicking off half a semester of pining.

Henry is finishing shelving a cart of large print books when his life changes forever.

"Excuse me, hi. Do you have any gay books?" The boy asking is around Henry's age. He's short, and he's dressed casually in a polo and jeans, dress shoes and backpack categorizing him as a student at the local college. Henry's brain notes that he's attractive, though Henry refuses to acknowledge that thought.

"Of course! Fiction or nonfiction?"

"Oh. I... I guess either one? I wasn't sure I'd get to pick." Henry isn't offended that this handsome college student wouldn't think there were queer books in the library. He isn't, not in the slightest, offended that he seems to think the library is stuck in the 1940s. He refuses to let the other boy see how not offended he is, and he certainly doesn't use the excuse to show off a bit and display just how many queer books the library has.

"Alright, well, for nonfiction, you're going to want the early 300s for books on gender and sexuality. I believe it's somewhere between 303 and 307, and I want to say 306, but I've only been here a couple weeks and don't know the Dewey decimal system as well as I'd like to. I don't get to shelve much nonfic. If you're looking for fiction, we don't exactly have a queer section, but I could direct you to some that I've enjoyed or heard about."

"That would be good."

"If you like Greek mythology, Madeline Miller's A Song of Achilles is very queer. So are most of Rick Riordan's books, especially his later series. If you like travel novels or adventure books, Mackenzie Lee's The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue has a bi lead, and the sequel focuses on his aro/ace sister. If you're into fantasy or fantastic realism, Maggie Stiefvater's The Raven Cycle has queer characters, and Leigh Bardugo's Six of Crows is a heist story with a bunch of queer characters. There's also How to Fix a Mechanical Heart, Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit, and Kiss Number 8 in YA, though I haven't read those. In sci-fi, I haven't gotten around to them, but the Welcome to Night Vale novels under Fink would almost certainly have queer representation. The main character of the podcast is gay. He wrote an Alice Isn't Dead novel, too, and that podcast is about a woman looking for her wife, so I can't imagine the book would be... Sorry; this is probably more than you want." The other boy is typing furiously on his phone, brow furrowed just a bit as he tries to get everything down. The way his tongue pokes out the side of his mouth most certainly isn't the cutest thing Henry has seen all day. He has a dog, after all. David is, objectively, much cuter than a handsome boy seriously taking notes on queer fiction that Henry likes.

"This is good. It's perfect. Thank you," the boy says, still looking at his phone. He looks up a moment later, suddenly quieter, to ask, "Um, another question; do you have any books on mental health?"

"Mid or late 100s I think. They're before mythology in the 200s, but I'm not entirely sure where, sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. You're new. That's perfect. Thank you. Have a nice ga-- day. Have a nice day."

"You, too. If you need anything else, I'm working until six, and I spend a lot of time shelving in the kids room. I'd be happy to help."

"Okay. Yeah, thanks. Have a good one." With that, the boy turns to leave, and Henry finishes shelving his cart, trying to forget the other boy's smile and the way he'd furiously typed every book Henry recommended. He tries to forget the other boy's hesitation to ask about mental health books, the endearing shyness that most definitely did not tug at Henry's heartstrings. After all, there really isn't a point pining over a patron he'll never see again.

As it turns out, Henry does see the patron again. He's back a few days later, and Henry looks up just in time to see him dump a massive stack of books into the return slot. He smiles at Henry, making a beeline over to where he's shelving.

"Hi again, um, do you have any cookbooks?"

"Upstairs; 641."

"What the fuck. Hod do you do that?"

"We have a lot of cookbooks, and they're popular. I reshelve them a lot." It's really not that impressive of a thing to know. Some of Henry's coworkers know the Dewey decimal system forwards and backwards, but the other boy is looking at him like he's just done something incredible."

"What else do you have memorized?"

"Um, let's see. World War II is in the 940s. Current politics are in the 900s; The Meuller Report is in the 990s I think. I shelved that a lot. Mythology is in the 200s, folklore and fairy tales and stuff the late 300s. UFOs, cryptids, that kind of thing in the 90s, and computer stuff before that. Hobbies are in the 690s or 790s. Animals are 590s; sharks in particular are... 597? No. 587. I think. Airplanes 626. 808 is short stories, poems are after that and then by 811 you're into plays. Workout and health stuff is before cookbooks, so 639 or 640. Queer and gender stuff 306. Biography 900s is princess books, and 400s are foreign language. Travel is the late 800s or early 900s I think; they're in the back somewhere."

"That's incredible. I thought you said you were new. How long have you been here?" He's so impressed, and Henry isn't sure he's ever felt so proud of something so simple. The fact that this random patron is one of two people in the city to actually compliment him recently certainly doesn't help with the crush he's working hard not to develop.

"About three weeks."

"Holy sh-- cow. You're so smart. How are you this smart?"

Henry feels his face start to go red. "It's just one of those things you pick up."

"Still, it's incredible."

"Thank you. But you needed a cookbook? Any type in particular? We have a pretty large collection, so I can show you the online catalog if you want. It can give you more exact information than I can."

"Yeah, but if you teach me to use the catalogue, I won't have an excuse to come bother you." He winks, leaning against a shelf, and he really doesn't have any business looking so carefree and handsome. He came here to check things out, not get checked out. Not that Henry is doing any checking out.

"Well, I wouldn't mind if you still come bother me. It's a nice break from the monotony. The catalogue could just help for when I'm wrong or not here."

"Alright, fine. I'm not sure how much help a search is going to be, though. I doubt there's a book called What to Make When You Invite Your Family to Your College Apartment to Tell Them You're Bi." He freezes for a second, and Henry knows all too well the sudden nerves, the tense moment of waiting for a reaction.

"If you find one, let me know. I'm sure I could adapt it for being gay," he says, and the other boy relaxes. When he looks up, his smile is back, and he follows Henry to a computer catalogue.

He comes down from the cookbook section nearly an hour later, three cookbooks in his arms. He's headed for the checkout, but he turns when he sees Henry with an empty cart.

"Hey, hi. I, um, well, I found a rainbow cookbook. I'll have to change the colors and things, but I thought maybe I could do something from that? Like a layer cake with a pride flag or something? I mean, I know they'll be okay with it. At least I think they will. My... my dad's pretty catholic, but we have a family friend who's gay and my dad's done a ton to look after and fight for him. We all love him. And my best friend is bi, and they've practically adopted her so it should be okay. I don't... I don't think it'll go badly, but... sorry. This isn't part of your job."

"I don't mind. You're making a cake with a pride flag; what else are you going to make? Would it help to talk it through?"

"Sure. Yeah. I'm thinking elote, since we made that a lot growing up, and one of these has a recipe for doing it on a stovetop instead of a grill. And then I was thinking ribs, but I don't have a grill, so I thought instead I'd make some pulled pork? It's got that barbecue thing that'll go well with the elote, and it's really easy to make a lot, so I can just tell everyone at once and get it over with. And if there's extra I can freeze it."

"I think it sounds good, and it sounds like they'll be happy to support you. I can tell they mean a lot to you; you're lucky to have them. You'll have to let me know how it goes if we bump into each other again."

"I will, yeah. Thank you. You've been wonderful."

"Good luck."

The other boy smiles and goes to check out, and Henry takes his cart back to the staff room, hoping he'll get an update soon.

On Monday, the other boy is back, and he comes up to Henry with a giant grin.

"It went well! It was so good. My mom got a bunch of brochures about staying safe, which was awkward but it's how she shows love, and my dad didn't care, and my sister won't stop trying to get me to join tinder so she can set me up with someone. They... they love me, and they don't care that I'm bi. It doesn't matter."

Henry grins. "I'm so happy for you. That's huge."

"Thank you so much for everything. Seriously, talking to you helped a lot."

"It was the least I could do."

"No, it-- I'm trying to say thank you; just let me."

"Alright."

"Thank you for letting me talk to you about coming out. Was that so hard? You're more important to people than you give yourself credit for. Anyway, I've got to run to a thing, but I wanted to stop in and see you. And update you. And thank you. You helped."

He's gone before Henry can respond, but he's surprised to realize he can't stop smiling for the rest of his shift.

Over the next few weeks, Henry sees and hears a lot of the things that happen in the library. He hears a little boy complain that there's loud noises in the library, and he hears the woman with that little boy explain that by yelling, he is the loud noise in the library. Henry sees a little girl falling asleep on a parent's lap as they read to her. He sees the handsome boy from before help a fourth grader through her math homework in a tutoring session and hears him talking to a little boy about Nancy Drew. He doesn't see everything, though. He doesn't see the mystery patron re-shelve some of the books that are out of order, making Henry's job easier. He doesn't hear the other boy call his sister on his way out to gush about the cute librarian he just saw teach a mom how to find Percy Jackson books so she could teach her son. What he does get used to seeing, though, is the same cute boy, settled at a table that Henry walks past regularly.

By the time midterms roll around, Henry's gotten used to seeing the other boy in the library. On the first day of midterms week, he's already there when Henry's shift starts. Henry, who has three essays due soon and only one started, plans to stay in the library when he gets off work. If he can't find any open tables, well, it must be due to midterms. He certainly didn't avoid looking in a few less popular places in order to justify going up to the table where his mystery patron is sitting. The other boy looks up with a smile.

"Do you mind if I sit? It's full everywhere else. I swear I'll be quiet; I've just got to draft an essay."

"Not at all. Here; let me slide some stuff over. What's your essay on?"

"Identity and fluidity in Virginia Woolf's Orlando. What are you working on?"

"A study guide for the politics of international economics."

"Sounds thrilling."

"What are you writing on? A book about Florida?" and god, Henry has to fight not to laugh just a bit.

"A book about Virginia Woolf's girlfriend."

"No way. Wasn't she like... old?"

"The 1920s aren't that old; we have examples of queer folks going back to the 400s BCE. Sappho's poetry would be in either the 200s or 808 if we have any, and tons of queer folks from Julie d'Aubigny to Alexander Hamilton are in biographies."

"Maybe later. Tell me about your essay; I can't study anymore."

"Okay, so, this book is a fake biography of a person named Orlando who, halfway through, changes from a man to a woman. I'm arguing that by using water to symbolize major change, Woolf signals to readers that their sex change isn't actually a big deal in their identity. Basically, every time Orlando gets a new opportunity or something else major happens, there's water involved somehow. But when their sex changes, which at first glance is the most drastic thing that happens to them, there's no water anywhere. In fact, there's fire, and that fire is mentioned a few different times. So I'm arguing that this shows readers that gender doesn't actually have that much impact on who someone is, but it's instead just how we present to the world. Therefore, it shouldn't matter if Virginia's in love with a woman, because Vita's just another human, and this whole thing is just a massive love letter to Vita and also a screw you to everyone else, because they all knew it was about Vita and Virginia didn't care."

"Wait, people knew? People knew they were lesbians."

"Well, they were probably both bi, and Virginia was probably demi-romantic, but it's not fair to put labels on them because all of those terms are more modern than these women. But yes, people knew they were dating. Vita's mom complained that Virginia stole her daughter."

"That's incredible,"

"Portrait of a Marriage by Nigel nicholson, Vita's son, is probably upstairs in biographies. Chapter five especially goes into detail on their open relationships."

The other boy laughs at that, throwing his whole body back as he does. He has the weight of five midterms on his shoulders, but for the duration of that laugh, he is happy and free and light as a feather.

"You're amazing. I'll let you write your essay, but just know. You're incredible."

Henry pulls out his laptop and opens the file for his essay, but it's a good five minutes before he can start to actually write anything. When he's finished, he nearly asks the other boy to get dinner with him. He doesn't; he can't. He's not confident enough. Instead, he just wishes the other boy good luck on his test as he says goodbye.

When Henry gets to work on Wednesday, it doesn't look like his patron has moved. When Henry gets a bit of a break, he texts Pez, who responds immediately with a series of emojis. The man is an enigma, but fifteen minutes later, he's arrived with two of the cookies Henry made them the night before. Henry takes them to the table where his favorite patron sits, the eye of a storm of notes, highlighters, empty coffee cups, and granola bar wrappers.

"Hello. Sorry to bother you, but you look like you could use these," Henry says, setting the cookies on the table as he passes.

"What... thank you! Thanks."

Henry is gone before the other boy can say more, his face going red. He doesn't see the little smile that spreads across the other boy's face or the way his whole body relaxes as he bites into the first cookie. When he passes the table again, though, he does see an empty bag and a somewhat refreshed patron.

As midterms pass and life settles down a bit, the table where his patron sits starts to be empty occasionally. Henry tries not to miss the boy who used to sit there, surrounded by clutter and wearing adorable glasses. He must have other things happening, a life outside of class work and study sessions. Still, it's a bright spot in Henry's day to see the familiar backpack in a chair, even without his patron at the table.

He finds his patron a few minutes later, or more accurately, his patron finds him.

"Excuse me, hi. Do you happen to have any books about how to ask out the hot librarian who's super smart and puts up with my constant nagging and helped me come out to my family and brought me cookies during midterms?"

Henry freezes, then says, "If we did, I would assume the first suggestion would be to tell this person your name." He's doing his best to stay calm, but the other boy isn't making it easy. He's leaning against a bookshelf, casually, like asking to date another boy in a public place is the easiest thing in the world.

"Did I not... fuck, I-- I'm Alex. Alexander Claremont-Diaz. Sorry. Shit. Yours is on your nametag and I just kinda assumed we... sorry."

"Alex, it's nice to meet you. I'm Henry. Back to your question, if we had such a book, I would assume it would also suggest waiting until the person you want to ask out is off work. But, when he's not on the clock and can be his own person, you shouldn't have any problem. You're smart, and you're nice, and you're good looking."

"You think?"

"I do. And you didn't ask, but I get off at six, and I don't have dinner plans."

With that, Henry finishes sorting his cart and walks away to shelve it, leaving Alexander Claremont-Diaz, mystery patron, grinning behind him.

On AO3

Notes:

To my knowledge as someone who's worked at a library for a month, the Dewey decimal numbers in this are accurate. 306 is definitely gay books, and that'll be the case at any library that uses this system. Also, the fiction books mentioned are all real and queer. Especially Orlando. - Speaking of Orlando, read it! It's so good! I'm working on the play (adapted by Sarah Ruhl, who's incredible) and I'm in love with it.

#henry fox mountchristen windsor #henry fox mountchristen windsor x alex claremont diaz #alex claremont diaz #rwrb #rwrb fic #my fic: rwrb #red white and royal blue #it's the library au #library au #FirstPrince #rwrb au

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beaulesbian · 6 years

Photo

I decided to finally make a part two of this post, it took me half a year longer than I anticipated, but I rushed to finish it at least for June.

🏳️‍🌈 Happy pride month! 🏳️‍🌈

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley – The best kind of subtle romance I have ever read. Includes mysterious pocket watch, solving bomb threats in Victorian London, a lady scientist, changing of future based on occurring events, an adorable clockwork octopus, and so much more! Did I mention the best, most beautiful romance I didn’t even expect to get?? Read it! (mlm main characters)

All out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages by multiple authors, edited by Saundra Mitchell – This book was so refreshing to read!!! Retellings of fairy tales but queer and poc and mostly happy. I enjoyed each of the short story so so much, I don’t have words to say how much I loved this book, just, can we please have more stories like that? Thank you.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman – Ever wanted a book with a main character boy and girl who won’t end up together by the end of the book? Then this is a book for you. Frances and Aled do not only become best friends who won’t end up together, but there’s even more diverse characters than these two main ones. This book even has an ace (demi) sexual representation, which I was very excited about, and the main character is biracial bisexual girl. There is lot of fandom talk and a radio show drama (kind of similar to Welcome to Night Vale). But also talks about other important topics like deciding that college might not be for everyone despite them being a great student in high school.

Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee – It’s a cute and sweet superhero themed futuristic story, first book of a trilogy I think. The main character is Vietnamese American bisexual girl, Jessika Tran, whose parents are both superheroes, but she doesn’t have any powers. She starts working for a company she later discovers belongs to town’s villains, but with time she learns that not everything about superheroes and villains is perfectly black and white. Also she’s working there with her crush, so that’s a bonus. It’s a really great book, there’s wlw romance and lot of diversity, action and silly scenes. The history behind the people’s superpowers and worldbuilding was really interesting too. The sequel is also already out, featuring a poc trans boy as the main character, who is part of Jessika‘s friend squad.

The Gentleman‘s guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee – A book everyone here should read!! A historical roadtrip with lot of angst, fluff and mutual pining of two of the main characters. It takes place in 18th century Europe. Monty is kind of an asshole, some moments you will hate him then you will love him, but as the journey progresses so does he. He travels with his sister, Felicity, and his best friend (and crush!) Percy, to visit few cities in Europe before he has to start work in his fathers company. This book addressed lot of issues, like white privilege and racism in that time period, sexism and ableism. But it’s also an adventurous book that’s funny and charming, and makes you feel really happy one moment and sad the next. There are also pirates!

Dreadnought by April Daniels – This is a first book of a duology about a lesbian trans girl Danny who receives superpowers after witnessing death of the superhero Dreadnought, which means she now has to become the new Dreadnought. But with the powers also becames real the ideal vision of her body, that she always wanted. She is very happy about it, but it also means she has to face her family and best friend and explain why she looks different. On top of that she has to help the other superheroes with stopping the new threat to the city, the villain who killed previous Dreadnought. Trigger warnings for transphobia, but it’s really worth to read.

Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller – I’ve seen mixed reviews of this book but personally I loved it. It’s a fantasy YA with lgbt protagonist, that I don’t have enough of. Sal is a genderfluid, also bi? pan? thief who enters a competition to become one of Queen’s Assassins. Basically the last one standing (or rather living) takes the place. Sal knows how to fight and survive but also needs to learn other things to win this position. Like taking classes of writing/reading which teaches him a lady of court they previously stole something from, whom Sal quickly starts to like more than they should, with the competition at play. For me it was a really great book to read and I can’t wait to read the sequel!

The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli – I had to read this one quickly before Leah on the offbeat came out, and it was a joy to read this one too! Again so much representation, I love Becky’s books and the Simon vs world. This story is about Molly who has had a lot of crushes but never actually dated anyone. She’s jewish, has anxiety, is fat, loves her family, is very creative, and has another crush on a guy who is her coworker. There’s so much cuteness in this book, I was smiling and crying the whole time reading it. More for representation: her sister is gay, she has two moms, a new Korean-American pansexual friend (who her sister totally likes) and more. I need to meantion trigger warnings for fatphobia, because of part there with her relative, it made me cry so much, it was very reletable and I hated it but there was very good closure for it in the end, which I’m happy about. Anyway read this book, overall it’s a cute and happy book with lots of fluff!

Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli – I loved Leah from the Simon vs book, so I was really happy we got more focus on her. She’s fat and funny, unapologetic about who she is, in her words: “basically your resident fat Slytherin Rory Gilmore”. There was mentions she likes boys as well as girls. Because of a tour for her college she goes with Abby to see where she will live the next few years and stuff happens. And then there’s also their high school prom, which she thought she was ready for, but maybe she’s not ready for at all. I’m not even going to write more, it’s an amazing book, I cried so many times.

Timekeeper by Tara Sim – This story takes place in a Victorian era Britain where clock towers are needed for time to flow correctly. Therefore there is lot of mechanics who repair said clock towers, because if the clock stops, the town around it stops in time as well. The main character Danny is one of those mechanics in London, but his father is trapped in a town that Stopped and Danny needs to find a way to save him. But after someone tries to sabotage a clock tower in a small city, Danny is assigned in that town to fix it, and he eventually finds out that the myths he heard – that in clock towers could sometimes be seen beings, spirits of the towers – might actually be true. This book was so nice to read, there was the atmosphere of the Victorian era, mystery, cute mlm romance and awesome female characters.

I’ll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson – I cried a lot reading this book. At first it actually took me few months to read past first two chapters, because the writing style was so different from what I was used to, but after that I got absorbed in it very quickly. It’s a story about two siblings, Noah and Jude Sweetwine, who both go through some difficult times, with family, school and personal stuff, it’s about making mistakes and fixing mistakes. It’s about love, art, sibling struggles and growing up.

Other books that I read and loved and definitely recommend:

Of Fire and Stars - Audrey Coulthurst (f/f fantasy romance)

We are the Ants – Shaun David Hutchinson (m/m)

In Other Lands - Sarah Rees Brennan (bi mc, m/m)

Release – Patrick Ness (m/m)

Our dark duet – V.E. Schwab (sequel of duology, agender character, not much romance at all in this duology, it‘s one of my favourites)

A Conjuring of Light – V.E. Schwab (a beautiful fantasy, last book of trilogy, happy ending for m/m pairing whose each story is important throughout the whole series. Again, one of my favourite series)

Magnus Chase and the Ship of Dead - Rick Riordan (I don‘t want to spoil here but it‘s good, genderfluid representation since book two, more in this final book)

Ice crypt - Tiana Warner (sequel of the Ice Massacre, wlw romance between mermaid and human girl, who knew each other since childhood, there is third final book, Ice Kingdom, already out, but I still haven‘t read it..)

Happy reading!

(tagging few people who i think might enjoy it ♥♥: @eradne, @poefinn, @twomillionfreckles, @eliotcoldwater, @queen-max, @tsukiyam-a)

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urbanteeth · 6 years

Text

Novel Prep

Thanks to @dimawriting and @maple-writes for tagging me!!

WIP: The Inbetween

Tagging: @drist-n-dither @theforgottencoolkid @minny-santa and uhh anyone else who sees this!

This gets pretty long so I’ll put it under a read more.

First Look

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

The crew members abroad the Perseus Space Station were tasked with investigating the first signs of early human-like civilization on an exoplanet. The truth behind the ruins scattered across the dying planet, however, is stranger, darker, older than anything they ever expected.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

As of right now, The Inbetween is a single book divided into 5ish parts. The POV will be third person. Still not sure if I want to switch between characters for each chapter or if I want each of the 5 parts told through the perspective of one of the main characters. I am playing with the idea of a sequel. I also want to write about the before and after the events of The Inbetween. There are also at least two AUs running around my mind so I might explore those too.

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

Dark skies full of stars, floating weightlessly, lonely planets, geometry, singularity, the smallness of existence, amorphous shadows on the wall, empty corridors, static, flickering lights, hearts racing from adrenaline, the taste of blood in your mouth as you run for your life

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

The Inbetween originated from me wanting to take some of my unused characters beyond them just being characters. The earliest drafts of The Inbetween were short stories inspired by Wolfgun’s music. The story eventually grew into what it is now thanks to a few episodes of Star Trek and Welcome to Nightvale. Lots of the scenes I currently have written were born from daydreaming to Carbon Based Lifeforms’s music. I would say CBL has had the biggest influence on the story.

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

This one is for the last part of the book.

Main Character

6. Who is your protagonist?

There are five protagonists:

Emmett Reyes: Mexican-American, 19 (at the beginning of the story), aro/ace, trans, biologist

Johann Herschel: British-German, 20 (at the beginning of the story), bi, nonbinary, pilot and navigator

Neveen Jalal: Egyptian-American, 19 (at the beginning of the story), lesbian, chemist, starship medic, lowkey inspired by my high school chem teacher

Oliver West: Korean-Canadian, 20 (at the beginning of the story), gay, mechanic

Alternis: A.I., years active unknown, primarily used for security and scouting

7. Who is their closest ally?

Their closest allies would be each other. Here’s some specific friendships:

Overall: they grow as close as family. Nothing like a near death experience out in the middle of the cold, indifferent void to make five kids bond for life.

Neveen + Emmett: Nerd friends! With him being a biologist and her becoming a medic, they share a love for the subject. They bond over their love for their cultures. They teach each other words in their native tongues.

Johann + Emmett + Oliver: Partners in crime!! These three are as ride or die as you can get with a group of friends. While Johann isn’t always keen on the chaos, he still goes along with it because “who’s going to serve as your guys’s impulse control???” Secretly, he loves it.

Oliver + Johann: Oliver becomes pretty supportive of all his friends and his relationship with Johann is no different. Oliver makes for a pretty good listener and he doesn’t mind hearing about his friend’s worries. He’ll offer some pretty good advice as well.

Neveen + Oliver: Oliver is, without a doubt, the most social of all the crew members. Unlike him, however, Neveen is the exact opposite. He will respect her space if she needs it, but he is also there to make sure she doesn’t lose herself in it. In a lot of ways, he reminds Neveen of her own sister.

Emmett + Alternis: These two form a pretty close bond. Both share feelings of becoming static in life. Both struggle with insecurity and general feelings of anxiety that they are not good enough. However, they both also share a deep curiosity for the world around them. She likes to ask him questions knowing he won’t brush them off and he feels comfortable enough to ramble on about whatever subject is most interesting to him knowing that she is willing to listen with interest herself.

Bonus:

Commander Mitch Connor + his crew: At first, Mitch was pretty hesitant to be this mission’s commander. They’re all kids, two of them fresh out of high school almost. However, he quickly learns that this crew is more than capable. They’re adaptable and fiercely resilient. They know how to use their strengths to their advantage and do so creatively. Most importantly, though, they genuinely care about each other.

8. Who is their enemy?

The story’s main antagonist is a weird hivemind entity that is partially made from various alien life forms and part alien tech. It’s main purpose is to find creatures its programming deems perfect specimens and then merge with (eat???) them to take on their abilities. The creature was once a technologically advanced alien race from a different dimension who sought to create the “perfect being”. No one’s really sure what “perfect being” meant for them, but eventually they, and most of their old universe, were all consumed by their creation. The entity then traveled across many other dimensions still seeking specimens to consume. While it has no definite shape or can even be considered a single animal, it’s still very much sapient. It’s hard to tell the age or if it was supposed to be machine or animal or even what species it originally was. However, the minds and voices of its creators live on with it.

If you want an idea as to how it sounds, it’s a little like the Warpers from Subnautica but with multiple voices. Here’s a clip.

9. What do they want more than anything?

They all have different dreams that they are pursuing, but they basically all want a life where they can be happy and have closure.

Emmett wants to be at peace with himself.

Johann wants to find a place that he can call home.

Oliver wants to protect the little he already has.

Neveen wants to achieve her dreams.

Alternis wants to belong.

10. Why can’t they have it?

Emmett is, first of all, much too doubting in himself. He worries so much that he can’t appreciate the things he has done right or the things he can do. He isn’t very kind to himself.

Johann misses the life he had on Earth. He and his family moved to a new planet because they don’t really like Earth and want to experience something new. But Johann never feels the same sense of “home” as he did on Earth.

Oliver’s job is helping out his mother with their repair shop. So, when the shop is threatened with closure, he is desperate to find another job, but since he dropped out and never finished school, he’s having a really hard time coming up with something that will provide enough. This is why he ends up joining the space program.

Neveen is in a somewhat similar boat. She has dreams of working as a doctor and all of her time and effort goes into studying for that. She, however, ends up getting rejected from three different schools in her area. She starts to feel like time is somehow running out for her.

Alternis has had a hard time. When she didn’t fit the expectations her creators set, she quickly discovered that her differences were seen as something flawed. She spent a lot of her early days either alone and she grew to be resentful towards people. But she wants to be accepted, so when they told her she was to be assigned to the Perseus Station, she had a lot of mixed feelings about the situation.

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

Emmett: not smart/good enough, not allowed to make mistakes

Neveen: her success determines her worth, has to do things just right or Else

Oliver: dumb for dropping out of college, is not much other than the comic relief in his friend group

Johann: thinks he can run from facing what’s really bothering him

Alternis: needs to have a purpose to be worth something to others, needs to change to be accepted

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Emmett: 5′2, curly brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, a scar running from jaw to cheek, there’s a picture @auroradrawing made here!

Neveen: 5′5, long black hair, brown eyes, dark skin, red hijab

Johann: 6′2. dark blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin

Oliver West: 5′10, black hair, brown eyes, pale skin

Alternis: i made a post on her appearance here

Plot Points

13. What is the internal conflict?

I would say that the overall internal conflict for all the characters is them struggling to understand that they are human which means that they are allowed to be wrong, make bad decisions, have emotions, and fail and none of this undermines their value in any way.

14. What is the external conflict?

The main external conflict is survival. They come into contact with a powerful interdimensional creature who is possibly hundred of thousands of years old or more and they have no idea how to stop it. After their station and only way home gets destroyed and they find themselves stranded with no way to let anyone know what’s happening, they realize that they have to find a way to at least repel the creature as it’s not just their survival at stake, but also that of their friends and family back on Earth.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

Death, probably. There’s a lot of things that would be left undone and unsaid and also literally no one else knows what is going on, so it could be a while before anyone back home realizes they’re never coming back. And that thought is one of the scariest things they can imagine.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

Basically the purpose of the entity and them figuring out what it is and what it wants changes everything they were led to believe at first about the planet and the origin of the ruins.

17. Do you know how it ends?

Yes. They all get a happy ending because I’m done with the sad shit. Also happy endings are good?? Like give me more happy endings dammit! They go through so much shit and get tested so much, like, they deserve their happy ending.

Bits and Bobs

18. What is the theme?

You are stronger than you think. Let yourself be flawed. Things might not be okay, but they will work out. You have a place in the universe, no matter how small. Tomorrow is a new day.

19. What is a reoccurring symbol?

Darkness, geometry/symmetry, fire (?),static, lots of the names of things have meaning behind them

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

There are two made up planets on which this story takes place. The first planet is Thesan-4. This planet is a desert-like planet. It’s in the Milky Way for sure, but I haven’t exactly figured out where yet. This planet is primarily used for military/astronaut training. At least 40% of the story will take place here. The other planet is an icy, Earth-like planet. I call this planet the Mirror World in my head but the actual name is pending. Here is where the remains of early civilization are found and this is where the Perseus crew is assign for their mission. At least 60% of the story will take place here.

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

Hell yeah! Scenes and a general outline are all I have right now. A lot of the little details are still pretty vague though.

22. What excited you about this story?

Oh man, is “everything” an answer? I always wanted to write a story set in space, but my biggest issue was finding a good plot. Like, I had the characters and I had some vague idea of a setting, but no actual plot or conflict. This story spent a lot of time on the back burner and I honestly thought about abandoning it a few times. However, it has come to grow so much and I’m really happy I didn’t abandon it. I love the lore behind the antagonist and the character interactions and uhhh well damn. Everything!

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

I think the very first thing I come up with is either the setting or the characters. Then, I make the characters that I feel would go best with the setting or vice versa. Other details like names and stuff come way later. 99% of my writing process is music. If I need a certain mood for a scene, I’ll put on some music that fits and I’ll listen to it a few times before actually writing. I find that this helps me come up with scenes so I don’t really struggle at that. Putting them down on paper is harder lol, especially when I can see at least three different ways to write the opening. But once I start writing, everything flows much easier.

#these were all such excellent questions #thanks for the tag

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trashy-greyjoy · 7 years

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Books I’ve Devoured Recently

Ok so I think it’s time I talk about the fucking bomb books I’ve read lately, because I’ve been hitting the jackpot and obviously I need to share that with y’all. Here we go:

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire

companion novella to Every Heart a Doorway (but can be read alone if you want)

follows twins Jack and Jill through their door to the moors

basically Jack interns with Dr. Frankenstein and Jill is a child of Dracula?

kinda gay

4.5/5

The Archived / The Unbound by Victoria Schwab (reread)

main character works for The Archive, which is like a library for the dead, to track down and return dead souls that have woken up

deals a lot with over coming grief and coping mechanisms

spoopy

it’s by schwab so it’s boooommmbbb

4/5

The Diviners by Libba Bray (um yall need to talk about her more she writes wlw into every single book)

I’ve talked about this one already because its so good but I’m doing it again

murder mystery set in 1920s New York and follows a bunch of teenagers that are diviners (aka fucking psychics) as they try to solve the case

Evie is the main and she can see things by touching an object (and deals with depression)

characters include: an immigrant thief that can make people not see him, a gay dreamwalking pianist, a black healer from harlem, a jewish activist, a cyborg, and a flapper girl that can basically manipulate fire (and in the sequels theres an asian dreamwalker, that’s ace, sapphic and walks with leg braces)

super duper dope af

5/5

Monstress by Marjorie Lui and Sana Takeda

graphic novel set in an alternate 1900′s matriarchal Asia that follows a war between humans, arcanes (descendants of ancient gods), and witches

main character is Maika Halfwolf and she’s on a jounrey to avenge her mother and unlock the secrets of her past, of yeah and she shares a link to a demonic monster

tons of racial and sexual diversity, 95% of the characters are women, characters with missing limbs, there’s a mute character that uses sign language, and the only confirmed canon couple is between two women

trigger warnings because it is very graphic and gorey

5/5

Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente

retelling of the Russian folktale of Marya Morevna/Koschei the Deathless, set during the Russian Revolution (it’s kinda along the lines of Beauty and the Beast or Hades and Persephone)

main girl Marya marries Koschei, the Tsar of Life, and goes off to live by his side

but when she returns years later her birthplace is dying

literally the most beautiful writing wowowowow

dark and romantic

4.5/5

Runaways Vol.1 and 2 by Brian K. Vaughn (reread)

I went in for the reread after watching like the first 4 episodes and maaaannnnn I really love this series

In case you’ve been deaf to my constant yelling, Runaways is about a bunch of kids that find out their parents are in a cult of super villains and then runaway and decide to defeat their parents and make up for their crimes

one of Marvel’s first superhero teams that wasn’t all straight white men (black genius, asian witch, glowing rainbow lesbian, chubby feminist with a dinosaur, abuse victim, and later on a latino cyborg, and a gender fluid skrull who’s human form is black)

now a show on Hulu (obviously) but I still think the source material is better

5/5

The Wicked + The Divine by Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie

oh my god my guys I am so ashamed I waited so long to read this????

every 90 years gods get “reborn” into new bodies and live for 2 years before they all die (they call themselves the Pantheon)

this time they’re all fucking rockstars and basic all every one of them is queer af and based off real musicians (Bowie, Rihanna, Prince, Kanye, Gaga)

but someone is framing them and killing them off too soon and there’s lots of drama

main character is a mixed race black girl who is BISEXUAL and a superfan of the Pantheon

and she’s best buds with all the gods some of which are, Lucifer who is bi af and in the body of an 18 year old female version of David Bowie, gay Kanye and his (maybe bi?) ex-boyfriend Prince, bisexual Rihanna who maybe has eaten people, and A TRANS GODDESS THAT USED TO BE A MOUTHY JOURNALIST

the art is STUNNING and I am hooked but also broke so I’ve only read the first 2 volumes

8/5

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vampire-core · 7 years

Note

okay for the hcs thing: the dragonets of destiny, ruby and nan, all of the ib squad, and uhhhthe pmmm cast if u want?? :3c

NICE ty babe!!!!!!!!

send me a character and i’ll answer!

(note: im kin w glory, mary, madoka, sayaka, and mami so this might be a lot of kin-based shIT SDFHSDKLF)

CLAY

A: what I think realistically

he is Boft (buff and soft) and also Lorg and if u are his friend and cold just tell him and he will drape his fuckin wing around u and curl up with you. he has at least 3 dragons cuddling with him when he sleeps

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

hes super bad at predicting jokes so he’ll fuckin CRACK UP at the worst fuckin joke u tell. he’ll also eat ANYTHING on a dare. even dirt or a handful of pebbles, thanks GLORY

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

hes actually got mental health shit goin on (depression/anxiety/prob ptsd/prob a pd) but he thinks he Has to be strong for the other dragonets bc theyre all fucked right up and he needs to be the strong support so he feels like he really Cant let himself break down at all, and it causes a Lot of pent-up sadness/anxiety/etc which he has No way of getting out

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

clay is aro/ace and in a qpp with all the dragonets. let him be not het?

TSUNAMI

A: what I think realistically

tsunami is fuckening BUFF as HELL. like. she can kick ur ass ur friends ass ur moms ass her OWN ass she doesnt care shes SUPER buff she will kick everyone in the THROAT she is FIERCE and PROTECTIVE and STRONG

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

when darkstalker first busted out of the mountain (like a nut) she straight-up decked him in the snout. just fucken. P U N C H

it hurt her claws and she almost cried but tried to play it off as “im crying out of my own coolness”

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

shes always felt like glory hates her bc of how snarky and rude they are and like?? they logically know they dont but like. what if and she cant just ask them bc thatd be rude and glory would probably make a joke out of it, so shes stuck believing one of her supposed best friends secretly hates her and she doesnt know how to deal

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

SHES BI AS HELL let tsunami be bi and trans and have a gf…….

GLORY

A: what I think realistically

theyre used to not eating a lot and kinda always being hungry bc yknow no sunlight in the caves but they assumed it was like? normal? and being in the sun was like……. holy shit im finally Full…….. and they dont actually eat a lot but when they do its usually fruits bc they dont actually like meat all that much

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

they can do spot-on impressions of SO many dragons, including but not limited to: the guardians, the other dragonets, fatespeaker, queen coral, riptide, morrowseer, and probably more and they love being able to say “im a pretty princess” while sounding almost exactly like kestrel

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

theyre rlly rlly good at hiding bc they HAD to be when the guardians got Pissed, so now when anyone is Vaguely mad at them they manage to find a way to hide and its near-impossible to find them, which has pppprob scared the other dragonets mny times

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

glory is genderfluid and gay and whom the Fuck is deathbringer?

STARFLIGHT

A: what I think realistically

he has some p bad anxiety so his Counting/Observing Things thing is a comfort mechanism of sorts that hes always really done. in the caves all he had to observe was rocks, torches, and scrolls but once he got Out he had so much that it was overwhelming. hes rlly good at describing things in writing due to this

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

hes always been SUPER clumsy so now that hes blind hes kind of just. tripping on everything. he fell off the side of a cave once at the academy and screamed and waited for death until he remembered that he is a dragon who can fly

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

abt the observing thing: now that hes blind, he cant do that, and it was his main comfort mechanism. so now during anxiety attacks, he has a rlly hard time calming down bc he cant just start observing whats around him, it doesnt WORK like that

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

HES ARO AND GAY AND IN A QPP WITH FATESPEAKER AND ALSO THE DRAGONETS FUCK YOU

SUNNY

A: what I think realistically

she has adhd!!! she has adhd-ph so shes always fidgeting/bouncing around/flying to try and get her energy out. clay, tsunami, and glory also have adhd and try to help her out whenever they can!! she loves to bake, but it takes a LOT of waiting, so its kinda hard on her

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she can be REALLY FUCKING LOUD when she wants to be, which NOBODY expects. normally she uses it for singing, or to startle people. she likes to be Loud while imitating kestrel, marching around and looking all Serious

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

shes always felt Really ignored and, esp for someone who pprob has dpd traits, its rlly heartbreaking bc like. she doesnt feel wanted and she doesnt feel like she gets any attention and shes just!!!!!!! aaaagh

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes aroace and in a qpp w fatespeaker heck you

RUBY

A: what I think realistically

she was prob legally blind but not Fully blind before the glen, but she was admitted bc her sight was getting progressively worse and she couldnt continue to be an electrician, her job

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

“hey tom remember that time i fucken stabbed u” “lol remember that time u pushed stitches off a balcony, killing him instantly”

“tom if u dont shut up this second about furries i will stab u again” “…….nya” “im gettin my fucken knife tom”

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she lives w a lot of guilt over killing tom and regularly has nightmares abt it, and even tho he assures her everything is fine she still regrets it so much but doesnt know how to make it Right in her mind

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

SHES BI AND AGENDER AND HER TOM AND JAY ARE POLY

NAN

A: what I think realistically

shes always been Super chubby, and she generates a llot of heat both bc Fur and bc Chub, so when her friends get Cold all u have to do is snuggle up next to her and ur instantly rlly warm now

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

kim teaches her how to dab and calls it a symbol of respect, and so whenever nan meets someone she rlly respects she just dabs as kim cracks up

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she keeps a journal bc her memory is Shit but shes still constantly worried that shes writing it wrong, esp bc shes usually dissociating enough that she cant remember what happened, and sometimes its bad enough to warrent a breakdown/panic attack

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

look shes aro/pan/genderfluid i dont make the rules. also shes autistic

A: what I think realistically

they know a little bit of asl bc theyre mute, and they carry around a notebook to write in when they cant sign. bc of this, they have rlly good handwriting and are also p good at miming stuff when they need to

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

they accidentally learned how to swear in asl, so whenever garry sees them doing so and doesnt know what it means (and then asks) he almost starts crying when they calmly show him the word “fuck” written in their notebook

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

they have rlly bad nightmares and is ppprob misdiagnosed due to ppl thinking the gallery Wasnt Real, doesnt get proper help, and lives w guilt over what happened and has NO clue how to cope

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

look. theyre nb and pan. im not saying this is a hc im saying this is canon. theyre not cishet

GARRY

A: what I think realistically

hes pprob around?? late 20s-early 30s, so its kiiiinda awkward maintaining contact w ib at first, but then he becomes a Family Friend and babysits so its all chill

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

hes PETRIFIED of spiders and the one time he tried to be brave and take one outside for ib he screamed, dropped it, and nearly cried.

ib is capable of disposing of spiders in the way garry prefers (domnt kill them) and does so calmly as garry sits on the counter and screams

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

he feels rlly guilty after the gallery and has NO idea how to cope, so he ends up drinking a bbbbit too much and hes also not rlly able to help ib, which makes him MORE guilty, and its kinda just a spiral of depression

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

hes trans and also adopts ib and mary and theyre a happy family

MARY

A: what I think realistically

she has NO CLUE what most things taste like, but someone let her try a cherry cough drop once, and now she just rlly wants to eat that fake cherry flavor again

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she knows how to say various swear words and looked garry in the eyes and said “FUCK!!!” once and he nearly started sobbing on the spot

also she doesnt know much abt numbers and thinks that since shes 9 and garrys 20-30 and 2-3 are less than 9, shes older than him and In Charge

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she died in pain and thinking her only friend hated her, feeling deeply betrayed :’)

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

GARRY ADOPTS HER AND IB AND THEYRE A FAMILY also shes a lesbian

MADOKA

A: what I think realistically

shes rlly good at drawin!!!! she doodles a lot in class to help her focus, plus she just rlly likes to draw, so she ends up bein rlly talented!!! she esp likes to draw her friends bc like. why not???

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

everyone expects her to be terrified of bugs and sayaka to be the brave one killing them when in reality its sayaka sprinting away as madoka calmly takes it outside and goes “dont worry its okay!!!!! :D”

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she feels rlly inferior to everyone and, along with being shy, thinks shes honestly useless to a team. its not that she hates herself, its that she thinks shes rlly boring and doesnt have much going for her, and she has no clue how to help or communicate this

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

she and sayaka are DATING theyre GFS also madoka has dpd

SAYAKA

A: what I think realistically

shes mega bi. shes bi. she is just. bi. her first crush was wonder woman and she prob liked hitomi at one point. shes the one friend who gets crushes on EVERYONE, and i mean everyone

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

when she gets bored, she makes up random stories in her head and narrates whats going on in the lives of passerby, and now she has a huge elaborate universe thats like a soap opera in her head. she has a theme song and everything

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she has bpd but no clue what that IS or how to COPE, so being a magical girl was ppprob a rlly bad idea due to the lows bpd comes with, esp since she based her wish on a person/fp. so she was?? p much destined to fall into despair, even if it wasnt over kyousuke

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

SHES!!!!!!! DATING!!!!!!!! MADOKA!!!!!!!

MAMI

A: what I think realistically

shes a rlly organized person so mess just Ticks her Off, and she spends most of her time just making sure everything is clean. its kinda a comfort mechanism at this point??? like it just makes her feel better

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

shes constantly trying 2 pick up on the current slang and be Cool w the Kiddos these days but shes always at least 3 steps behind

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she has dpd but since she lost her parents and kyoko abandoned her, shes had nobody to depend on, which kinda sucks? bc like. shes constantly second-guessing herself and has no clue what shes doing and feels so alone

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes trans gay and dating kyoko

KYOKO

A: what I think realistically

shes SUPER good at sneaking around/stealing things and lvoes to startle/prank her friends w this bc like??? oh shit sayaka is ur phone missing who couldve took it, oh look madoka got a text from u wonder who sent it

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she once ate an entire bowl of sugar on a dare from sayaka and got the WORST stomach ache for a day and half, but claimed it was worth it

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

shes always been rlly underweight and manages to steal food Sometimes, but has probably been caught and hurt for doing so

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

A LESBIAN DATING MAMI

HOMURA

A: what I think realistically

shes RLLY talented in a lot of areas due to the many timelines, but shes never rlly grasped the arts?? ie drawing, writing etc, and she has NO clue how madoka does it, what the hell

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

its RLLY hard to make her laugh but she can and WILL crack up if you look her in the eyes and say “egg”

on a similar, note, she once said “i want kyoko to vore me real good” completely straight-faced, deadpan

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she has a LOT of trauma she could never rlly talk abt w anyone, esp a therapist, due to the timelines so shes rlly not coping at all in the slightest

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes GAY and prob dating hitomi

#text #long post #caps //#vore ment //#food ment //#abuse ment //#ask to tag #stephanie-glass-official #ask memes #kennith's mailbox

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ineverhadmyinternetphase · 8 years

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In My Way - Chapter 18

AO3 link, First Chapter

Genre: Chaptered. Actor!Dan AU, fluff, bit of angst, slow burn, getting together (eventually)

Summary: Fiction. Daniel Howell is 21 and Britain’s newest star. He’s just been cast in the much-anticipated film adaption of Last Man Standing, the popular teen fantasy novel with a huge fanbase hanging off his every tweet. In other words, Dan has made it big.

Phil Lester couldn’t care less. He’s a stressed out PHD student working part time at a bookshop while he struggles to get into post-production. He’s 26 and still lives in a tiny flat on the fifth floor of a building with a lift more broken than it is in use. He loves books, but he thinks big film adaptions screw with the plot too much.

Needless to say, Phil is less than impressed when Last Man Standing is getting filmed in his hometown. And he certainly doesn’t want anything to do with obnoxious, arrogant, so irritatingly perfect leading actor Daniel Howell.

Warnings: Swearing, Ace!Phil, Bi!Dan, slight a- and bi-phobia, discussions of sexuality

Word Count: 3000-5000 per chapter (ish)

A/N: Once again, sorry for the delay in this chapter! I’m just gonna say this once: I have M.E., a medical condition that effects my energy levels and gives me chronic pain and nasty things. Sometimes it affects my ability to write, which is why updates can be slow. But good news: I know this fic is going to be 25 chapters long, and I have them all planned exactly. I’ll update as regularly as I can ^_^

Again, giant thanks to my beta @mecaka! This is only possible because of her hard work. Go send her love if you’ve got time because honestly, she is the best thing that could have happened to me with this fic

—

Two months, it turned out, was the length of time left on the film set.

“Well, actually, it’s closer to a month and a half,” Dan elaborated from his place sprawled across Phil’s lap, eyes narrowed as he tore around another corner in Mario Kart. “And did you have to bring this up now?”

“I’ve been trying to talk to you about it all day,” Phil grumbled gruffly. Which, in his defence, was true. Ever since the call with Tyler last week, Phil had been working up his courage to bring the subject up with Dan, and this morning he had finally done it only for Dan to distract him by dragging him out to the sofa to challenge him to a duel.

Which Dan was going to win, because this was Mario Kart and Dan was insanely competitive.

“So after the set,” Phil started again, barely even focusing on the screen and much more occupied with the warm person lying across his lap, “Are you, um, are you going away?”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Away where?”

Away from me, Phil thought, half-heartedly firing a shell. It went backward, straight off the course, completely missing Dan’s little figure that was racing far ahead.

“There,” Dan said satisfactorily as he crossed the finishing line, then paused the game and rolled onto his back. He narrowed his eyes at Phil. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing’s up with me,” Phil answered immediately. Perhaps not the best method for improving communication, or generally getting anywhere with Dan, but denial was still and would probably always be Phil’s first defence mechanism.

Thankfully, Dan had been around Phil for long enough now to recognise this, so he wasn’t dissuaded at all. Instead, he sat up, tossing his controller carelessly onto the cushion beside him, and fixed Phil with a stern look. “So something is definitely up.”

“It isn’t,” Phil insisted unhelpfully.

Dan had one brow arched at him in a perfect expression of disbelief. Practised many times for several film roles, probably, and now Phil was being subjected to it in all its realness.

“If nothing’s up,” Dan said calmly, “Then we can just carry on playing, and you interrupted a perfectly fun round for no good reason.”

“Yes,” Phil replied quickly, then stopped. “Well, no. Um. Maybe.”

“Congratulations on giving every possible answer.” Dan rolled his eyes, but there was a fond smile at his lips. He flopped himself back down over Phil’s lap, arranging himself to be perfectly comfortable so he could still see the screen, and grabbed the controller again, starting up a solo level. Phil’s eyes traced Dan’s character, and he felt his heartbeat calm down a little. Watching Dan do things always calmed him down – there was a level of professional confidence about everything Dan did, as if he’d thought every action through at least four times. It was… reassuring. Especially when every aspect of Phil’s life was currently being made up as he went along.

“So you asked if I’m going away,” Dan said evenly after a few moments of silent playing.

Phil swallowed.

“I’m guessing you don’t mean leaving the country, or, like, dying,” Dan continued, and was that a hint of laughter hiding away in his tone? “But you still brought it up, so something must be on your mind.”

“Yeah,” Phil answered softly without thinking. His fingers had somehow found their way into Dan’s hair. It was comforting to have the knowledge that Dan was still right there. For now.

“So what is it?” Dan asked again after another moment of watching his character easily cruise the level. Dan really was insanely good at Mario Kart. How did he even have time to practice as an actor?

Phil gave his head a small shake. He shuffled around a bit, until Dan made a noise of complaint, and then went very still with his fingers still curled in Dan’s hair.

Phil just didn’t want to lose this.

“I suppose,” he started slowly, “I mean what your roommate said in the call.”

“Tyler?” Dan sounded surprised. He had no idea at all, then.

Phil gathered his courage and said, “Yeah. When he said he was getting you back. That means… that means you’re leaving me, right?”

The words sat heavily. Phil winced as soon as he realised their full meaning. He hadn’t meant it quite like that, but… but therein lay his fears, really.

Dan squawked. He dropped the controller, not even bothering to pause the level this time, and rolled around to face Phil just as his character made a squealing noise as it fell off the course.

“What?” Dan asked, staring at Phil, a picture of surprised disbelief.

Phil shifted awkwardly. “Tyler said he’d be getting you back.”

“Yeah!” Dan narrowed his eyes. “And you think that means I’m leaving you?”

Phil bit his lip. He considered for a moment. “Um. Well. Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Leaving… me.”

“No!” Dan sat up properly then, giving Phil the full extent of his glare. “Why? Do you want me to?”

“No, not at al! I just—” Phil paused, realising he’d done an extremely bad job of explaining himself. He deflated in place a little. “I just – don’t understand.”

“Well, that makes two of us,” Dan answered after a moment of silence. He shook his head, sitting back a little on Phil’s sofa cushions so he could draw his knees into his chest. Defensive, Phil realised. He’d made Dan go all defensive again.

Desperately, Phil tried to salvage the conversation and make it go back in the direction he’d originally intended. “What I’m trying – very badly – to say is, you aren’t staying here forever. In Manchester, I mean. Are you?”

Dan blinked. Slowly, comprehension started to show on his face, and Phil thanked every lucky star he’d ever wished on for it. But there was also fear tugging at Phil’s stomach, because he’d brought this up now. They were going to have this conversation, to face the issue that had been itching at him all week.

“No,” Dan answered slowly, his tone cautious, his eyes fixed on Phil’s face. “No, I’m not staying in Manchester forever.”

Phil’s heart plummeted.

“But you knew that, right?” Dan added, leaning in a little bit closer. “I’m only here for the set. That’s over in a couple of months, then I’m going home. You knew that, right?”

Phil swallowed. Dan said home so easily, and he was referring to a place where Phil wasn’t. That shouldn’t hurt, they’d hardly known each other four months, but somehow Phil’s idea of home already had a Dan in it. “And then back to London. And Tyler. Right?”

Dan didn’t answer straight away. Instead, he tilted his head, regarding Phil closely with something warm hiding in his eyes. “I mean, yeah. London is home for me.”

Phil nodded once. He kept his face clear of expression.

After a moment, Dan asked, “Does that bother you?”

Phil shifted, considering the question for a moment. He reached out to grab Dan’s hand, smiled a bit when Dan gave a startled movement that settled into a small smile. He squeezed Phil’s fingers.

“It doesn’t really bother me,” Phil answered slowly. “I mean, it’s your home. Tyler seems nice.”

“He is,” Dan agreed, his gaze still intent on Phil. “My best friend.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you have a best friend.” Phil glanced at Dan, tried not to let jealousy slip into his tone. “How did you meet him?”

“Oh, I met him years ago,” Dan answered with an easy smile and went on to tell Phil that Tyler had met Dan on Dan’s very first set. Dan had been a nervous wreck, unsure of everything around him, and Tyler was his make-up artist. He’d taken one look at Dan’s pasty face and gone Oh no, we can’t have that. Dan at first thought he was being mocked – it turned out Tyler was just very exuberant and exacting in what he wanted.

After that, they’d become fast friends. Tyler was new to England, and so Dan took it upon himself to show him around the main sites. After a year, they’d decided to move in together, and when Dan hesitantly stuttered out that he was maybe attracted to boys as well as to girls, Tyler had embraced him in a warm hug and welcomed him to the party. (Tyler was as gay as a pink elephant, and as exuberant about it as he was about make-up).

“So he knows?” Phil interrupted, surprised.

Dan nodded. “He’s the only other one who does. You and him.”

“Not even your family?” Phil asked without thinking, and then winced. “No, wait, you don’t have to answer that.”

Dan’s eyes had tightened up a bit, but he hadn’t removed his hand from Phil’s. Dan glanced downwards, at where his fingers linked up so easily with Phil’s. “I just – I didn’t want to risk the exposure. You know. If the press ever got wind of it…”

“I get it,” Phil spoke into the silence quickly. “Honestly. That’s not what I meant.”

Dan sent him a tiny, grateful smile.

Phil fidgeted for another minute, then reached out to pull Dan into a hug. Dan muffled a chuckle as he leaned into Phil, speaking into his shoulder, “You can’t solve everything with a hug, Phil.”

“I can try,” Phil said adamantly, and then added, “I just… don’t want you to be gone.”

“I won’t be gone,” Dan murmured, his own arms slotting easily around Phil. “Not really.”

“But London is far away.”

Dan tilted his face up until he was looking right at Phil, and suddenly he was very, very close. “I’m not in London now.”

Phil was frozen, immobile, still taken aback by these moments of intimacy. But he was very sure that was happiness bubbling up inside him, so he leaned closer at Dan’s invitation and kissed him lightly.

Dan smiled, kissed him back, and for a moment everything was perfect. Things like this got easier every time they did them, and Phil was growing in confidence every time, more and more sure that yes, he liked this. As long as it didn’t go too far, and Dan was wonderful and soft and never pushed him.

When Phil pulled back, Dan didn’t complain at all. He didn’t even look insecure, which Phil always worried about because he had a feeling that Dan would kiss for longer if it was up to him. But Phil always started to feel weird after a few minutes, and he was endlessly grateful that Dan never brought it up, but just smiled happily every time Phil pulled away.

Dan was smiling happily at him now, and then he whispered, “You could always come with me.”

Phil blinked. His voice squeaked a bit. “Come with you?”

“To London.” Dan’s eyes were bright, but a bit guarded. He didn’t look away from Phil’s face. “When the set is done with. You could come back to London with me.”

Phil’s eyes widened. He’d never even considered that as a possibility – that Dan might ask him to go with him, that maybe there was a solution that didn’t involve Dan staying in Manchester forever.

Dan couldn’t stay in Manchester. He had a job, and friends. Obviously.

But Phil still felt the tiniest tug of disappointment. Manchester was his home. He’d deliberately moved back here after doing his undergrad in York, because York felt too far away.

It was closer than London, though.

Dan was still looking at him, but that guarded something in his eyes had grown. He was shrinking back a bit, shrinking into himself, behind all those walls that Phil had started to break down.

Phil grabbed for him again. “I want to be with you.”

Dan brightened up again immediately. “So you’ll come?”

“I’ll…” Phil took a breath, bit his lip. “I’ll… I’ll think about it. London is… far away.”

Dan’s eyes had clouded over again. Phil hated that, wished he could banish it away in an instant and have Dan happy and smiling again, but… but he’d learned not to dive straight into scary things. He needed to think, to process.

And they still had time.

“There’s a month and a half left, right?” Phil added almost desperately. “There’s time to… to think. We can figure it out.”

Dan nodded slowly, his gaze clearing a bit. “Yeah. Yeah, we can figure it out.”

Phil smiled back at him, and really, really hoped it was true.

---

A few days later, when Dan was away at the film set and Phil was sitting at home half-heartedly tapping away at his thesis, the idea crossed Phil’s mind again.

Moving to London.

It didn’t seem quite possible when Dan mentioned it. Like a dream, something to be imagined but never to be lived, at least not for someone like Phil. Dan’s world was full of glittering lights and camera flashes and interviews – hell, that was why they never went on proper dates outside. Phil could still remember with a shudder the day a camera had followed Dan back to Phil’s bookshop.

That was Dan’s world, not Phil’s. And if he was honest, Phil wanted no part in it.

Except… except he did want to keep Dan. He really did. To the extent that thinking about Dan going away to London without him had Phil’s chest constricting until his breathing was difficult.

This was crazy. He’d only known Dan a handful of months, and the majority of that had been spent trying to avoid him. Phil had hated Dan when they’d first met, he was sure of it – he remembered that arrogant smirk, the way Dan had looked down on him.

Knowing Dan as he did now, Phil could see that had been because Dan had believed Phil snubbed him deliberately. But he hadn’t. Phil was just a bumbling mess, he always had been, and he probably always would be.

Dan shouldn’t even want him around anyway.

Phil shook away the thought with a sad little frown. He was staring blankly at his thesis document, on its way to finished with a month left to the deadline, and then his course would almost be over. Just another month after that until his official graduation. His mum had already invited everyone over for the celebration – Phil the Doctor, Phil the smart one, he’d always been the brains of the family, she’d proudly say.

But then what?

There’d be a big celebration, and then… then what? Phil had never been one to look at the future too hard, never been one to wallow in worrying. He’d just enjoyed what he did without thinking too much about where it would lead him. But now… now, he was facing a gaping hole with no more education to fill it.

And he didn’t want to face that alone.

So Dan. He had Dan, he wanted to keep Dan, and miraculously Dan wanted to keep him. That had to be worth all the worry, right? All the stress? There had to be something worth holding onto in the feelings he had for Dan, in the feelings Dan had shared with him.

He hadn’t had a text from Dan yet that day. Phil had messaged him in the morning but hadn’t heard anything back. That wasn’t too unusual. The film set was getting busier every day, with the closing deadlines looming. Then everything would be moving down to London.

London, where all the post-production work would be happening. Phil’s speciality. Phil’s favourite aspect.

If only…

Phil chewed on his inner cheek, having a staring contest with his laptop, until he relented and pulled up a new internet tab.

Post-production film jobs in London.

Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of results. Phil trailed through the first few, registering some of the company names, recognising some. There were a lot of internship programmes that he’d be eligible to apply for.

He didn’t have to make any decisions yet. But it was an option.

Just then, his phone buzzed against his desk. Phil snatched it up to see a new tweet from Dan: literally starving at the set @amazingphil where is my coffee

Phil snorted. They were still being publicly open on Twitter, and while they’d never explicitly stated the exact nature of their relationship (Phil still got a fuzzy little feeling whenever he remembered that Dan was his boyfriend), it was a good thing. Having Dan happy with them being public, even in this tiny way – it gave Phil hope.

Hope that this was actually ok.

Definitely a possibility, Phil decided as he glanced at the results on his laptop, and then bookmarked it before answering Dan’s tweet with another public one of his own.

@amazingphil: @danisnotonfire on my way right now

---

The days continued in their easy pattern, but the time was constantly being eaten up. Without even meaning to, Phil found himself subconsciously counting down the days to their deadline, the deadline when Dan would be leaving.

He’d visit the set with coffee for Dan and think, only five more weeks of doing this.

Dan would crash into the bookshop during Phil’s shift and regale him with stories of the day’s filming and Phil, in between fits of laughter, would find himself saying, “Not much longer left, now.”

Dan’s eyes always went cautious. He answered carefully, “No. Not long left.”

Phil tried not to think too much about the way Dan’s eyes lingered on him, as if he was waiting for a response, for something more from Phil. Something more that Phil wasn’t sure he could give.

They’d be curled up together on Phil’s sofa, or cuddled under the blankets on his bed watching Netflix on Phil’s laptop, and Phil would stay silent but the thoughts running around his head were full of not much longer, you don’t get to have this for much longer. He tried to quiet the doubts, knew that Dan moving away was very different to Dan breaking up with him, but it was still hard.

He tightened his grip around Dan and buried his face in Dan’s hair.

Dan made a questioning noise and wriggled a bit, so Phil batted at him until he stayed still. He didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to face the questions that he knew Dan was going to want to bring up. In all honesty, Phil just didn’t want to face the future. He wanted this present to extend forever, with Dan in his arms and something easy on TV and blankets and cuddles and nothing else more complicated going on.

Why couldn’t he just have that? Phil didn’t think it was too much to ask for.

It was when there were only three weeks left that Phil came home from a shift at the bookshop to find Dan sitting on the sofa on Phil’s laptop.

Phil blinked, and then let out a heavy sigh. Coming home to Dan invading his flat wasn’t exactly unusual, not since Phil had given him a key, but still. There were privacy limits. Weren’t there? Or shouldn’t there be?

Dan grinned at him impishly, and then pulled Phil’s laptop further into his lap. “Mine for now. Sorry.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “I guess I shouldn’t even be surprised anymore.”

“Probably not,” Dan agreed, already buried back in whatever he was doing. As long as it wasn’t another skype call to Tyler that Phil could embarrass himself in front of, then Phil didn’t really mind. It was an excuse to forget about proof-reading his thesis for a bit, after all.

“Hot chocolate?” Phil offered on his way into the kitchen.

“Mm, please!” Dan called back, and Phil’s smile was widening before he even realised it. Having Dan around just made Phil feel… buoyant. Like there was something under his skin lifting him up, making his feet hardly touch the ground. It didn’t quite feel real, except when he could feel Dan in his arms, breathe in his scent, see the possessions he’d slowly left scattered around Phil’s place. Honestly, Phil didn’t even know the last time Dan had actually spent long periods of time in his hotel room.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” Dan said when Phil returned with two steaming mugs. He curled his legs out of the way, making room for Phil to join him, and grabbed eagerly for the mug.

“Don’t spill that on my laptop,” Phil warned him, but otherwise settled in happily. He cast Dan a slightly worried look. “Also, that doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not bad, exactly,” Dan hedged, casting another quick look at Phil. He grimaced. “I just – I saw a car.”

Phil arched a questioning brow.

“A black car,” Dan elaborated, “Um, outside.”

“Wow, amazing, anyone would think we were in a main city.” Phil grinned. Some of Dan’s sarcasm had rubbed off on him.

Dan kicked at him delicately. “No, you idiot. Outside here. Outside your building.”

Phil blinked, taken aback. “…Oh?”

“Yeah. It looked like a journalist to me.” Dan was looking steadfastly at the laptop screen again, not meeting Phil’s eyes. “So, um. They might have seen me, and my guess is they could call you at some point."

Phil’s stomach dropped.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Dan added in what was clearly a carefully researched speech. “You can just refuse to comment if they badger you. And if they do it too much, threaten the police, it’s harassment.”

“The police?” Phil asked a bit faintly.

Dan shot him a look, then bit his lower lip. He shifted a bit closer to Phil. “I did try and warn you this might happen.”

Phil remained silent. That didn’t help very much. Sure, he remembered when Dan was first trying to get closer to him, that Dan warned him what his lifestyle meant – but Phil wasn’t anyone interesting. He hadn’t really given much thought to people bothering him, or what he was supposed to do or say. He was far too awkward for any of it.

And it wouldn’t even matter soon, with Dan going away.

Phil shook away all those thoughts, a crease appearing in his brow. Dan reached out to smooth it away with his thumb, a sweet gesture he’d started doing whenever Phil was stressed or worrying about something. “You don’t have to say anything, Phil.”

“I just,” Phil started, and then turned to look straight at Dan. “Do you want me to say anything?”

Dan blinked. He looked startled for a moment before casually schooling his expression back into a careful blank. That was the problem with Dan being such a good actor – when he didn’t want to show his emotion, he really didn’t show it.

“I didn’t think you’d want to,” Dan answered delicately.

“I don’t,” Phil agreed, “I mean, not if you don’t want to. I just. Does that mean you want it to be a secret?”

Dan looked a bit pained. “That isn’t a fair question.”

“What do you mean?”

Dan squirmed, but Phil pressed him, leaning in a bit closer. “What do you mean, Dan? Communicate, remember. Talk to me.”

Dan made a face at him. He took in a breath, slowly, and then let it out. He closed Phil’s laptop and slid it onto the floor, and then made grabby hands at Phil in a gesture that Phil had come to realise meant come closer, need to hold you.

Phil obliged, and let Dan wrap him up in long arms, hold him against his chest. He laid his head comfortable on Dan’s shoulder.

“Saying something would mean that this is something that’s going to last,” Dan eventually murmured into Phil’s hair.

Phil’s mouth went dry. He froze.

“I don’t mean that would be a bad thing,” Dan hastily continued, “I mean, like, it would make it official.”

Phil managed to unstick his mouth enough to say, “And that would be a bad thing?”

“No, no, I don’t mean anything like that.” Dan let out a cross little sigh. “I mean – um – it would mean we’d both face a lot of questions about it, and if you’re… if you’re in Manchester, and I’m in London, um. We’d have to face them alone.”

Phil took in a careful breath. The weight behind Dan’s words told Phil that he’d thought about them a lot, probably been thinking about the coming month just as much as Phil had, in fact. Maybe if they’d talked about it sooner, Phil wouldn’t have had to do as much worrying on his own.

“I mean,” Phil started, and then stopped again.

Dan nudged at him. “What?”

“I mean, we might not be apart forever,” Phil answered quietly. He felt Dan quiver against him, and he bit his lip. He didn’t know if now was the time to bring this up, or if there would ever even be a better time, but Dan sounded worried and Phil didn’t like Dan being worried.

He leaned back enough to look at Dan, right in the eyes, and the worry he saw there made Phil want to dispel it immediately. “I mean, London is a thing.”

Dan smiled briefly. He didn’t look away. “London is indeed a thing.”

“I’ve been looking,” Phil confessed quickly, “There are internships. Places that do the kind of thing I’d want to do.”

“Really?” Dan was obviously trying really hard to keep the hope out of his voice, but he wasn’t quite succeeding. That warmed Phil. He was wanted, obviously, desired by Dan Howell, and that still didn’t quite make sense in his head.

“Not yet,” Phil warned him. “My PhD doesn’t finish until two months after you’ve gone back to London. I have to be here for that.”

Dan wilted a bit. But he nodded. “I’d expected something like that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’ve been working for ages on your degree, I’m happy for you.” Dan smiled at him, the expression a little shy, a little vulnerable. Phil felt his heart give just a little bit more. He loved this man – he really loved him, and that was still hard to come to terms with.

Phil smiled back. “But after that – after that, well, I don’t know. It’s a possibility.”

Dan was staring at him almost disbelievingly. Phil didn’t like it much when he did that, but his options to make Dan happy were still fairly limited. Phil just wasn’t very good at it, much as he’d like to be.

Phil leaned in, pressed a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “It’s a possibility.”

Dan’s cheek had gone red. That was nice. He also still had his arms around Phil, which was also nice, and he was smiling a bit as he answered, “To be clear – are you saying you coming to London with me is a possibility?”

Phil thought about it for a moment. Then he nodded a bit hesitantly. “After my degree. Maybe.”

Dan’s eyes were a little wide and a little wild. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. Well,” Phil amended, “I’m thinking about it. It’s not something to rule out.”

Dan kept staring at him for a bit, and then he was grinning and holding Phil tighter. “Good enough for me.”

---

There was hope, but there was also sadness, because time was running out on them too fast and Phil still hadn’t made a decision.

Three weeks disappeared like sand rushing through Phil’s fingers. It didn’t matter how much he tried to grab onto it, the time just went faster and faster, rushing on and inexorably on until he was left standing alone and forlorn in his own apartment with boxes of Dan’s stuff gathered up all around him.

All the things that had collected in Phil’s flat over the past few months, every little memory of Dan being here, was wrapped up carefully and packaged and taped and shut away, all ready to be moved out. Including Dan himself.

Phil felt sick to his stomach.

Dan stood opposite him, an awkward distance away, playing with the ends of his sleeves. He wasn’t looking at Phil, seeming to find it easier to study his carpet instead. The air between them felt charged. The last bag was sitting packed by Dan’s feet.

“It just makes more sense to leave tonight,” Dan was explaining, still steadfastly studying the carpet. “The cars are leaving the hotel really early tomorrow. I don’t want to disturb you in the morning.”

You wouldn’t, Phil was desperate to say. But he didn’t. He stayed quiet, except for the ringing in his ears and the slightly wild thud of his heartbeat.

The boxes were moved, one by one, into the car waiting outside Phil’s flat. They did it together, woodenly, not talking but not staying far apart either. Phil treasured every brush of Dan’s elbow, every minute left in his company. They were rather rapidly disappearing, after all.

The last box was in the car. Dan was hovering awkwardly on the pavement, one hand on the car door, his eyes fixed on Phil.

Phil should turn around and go back inside. They were in public, and even if they weren’t, Phil was bad at goodbyes. This was why he’d always returned home. He couldn’t deal with last times, with never-seeing-people-agains. He left everything open-ended, and always came back to the place that meant the most to him. He didn’t do well at leaving.

Was he ever going to see Dan again?

Dan was staring at him with carefully masked emotions. Phil hated that too. He wished he could push back past those boundaries, get back to where he and Dan had been. They’d been so close, they’d been so open and honest with each other. Eventually. Dan was the one person Phil had never wanted, and then everything he’d wanted but never thought he’d have, and then, miraculously, been the person to openly accept him. Everything about him.

Phil couldn’t lose that. He didn’t want to let go.

Dan swallowed. His hand awkwardly fumbled on the car door, and for a moment Phil thought he was going to step away from the car and back into Phil’s arms, and this whole hellish ordeal could be over.

But he didn’t.

Instead, the car door flew open, and Dan turned as if to climb inside.

Phil’s heart stopped.

Dan paused, turned back to face Phil. His mouth opened, but no sound came out. Instead, he just stared at Phil’s face some more.

Phil hung in stasis. His body tipped forward, telling him to take the step and go, to stop the best thing in his life from walking away from him.

But the crease in Dan’s brow was back, and he turned away again with a muttered, “See ya, Phil,” and then he was climbing into the car.

“Wait,” Phil’s mouth said without his permission.

Dan paused, span back around again in an instant. His face was still carefully blank.

Phil stayed still for a moment, counting the racing beats of his heart, tracing the planes of Dan’s face that he’d come to know so well. Dan Howell, the Dan Howell, famous actor, blind fool at times, but most importantly, Phil’s Dan.

There was no way Phil could let him go like this.

“Stay,” he begged.

Dan’s mouth dropped open.

“Just tonight,” Phil pleaded, because, apparently, he wasn’t above actual begging. He took a step forward, grabbed one of Dan’s hands in his own.

Dan’s blank expression was melting.

“I know it can’t be forever,” Phil continued, his tone shattering a bit. “Just stay. You can wake me at whatever hellish time you have to tomorrow, just – just stay one more night. Please.”

Dan hovered, his gaze quickly flicking left and right. They were in the middle of a public street, Phil’s street, and there was a suspicious looking car sitting up the road that had been there all morning and was still directly facing them, but Phil just couldn’t let Dan go like this.

He prayed he was doing the right thing.

“Please,” he said again and tugged once at Dan’s hand.

Dan’s face finished melting, and he was standing there looking at Phil with the warmest, most vulnerable gaze Phil had ever seen. His fingers were trembling a bit, but he closed them firmly around Phil’s and took a step towards him, until Phil was forced to look up to meet his eyes.

“Ok,” Dan whispered, and then span to say to the driver, “Go back to the hotel. I’ll meet you there in the morning.”

The driver, as discrete as ever, simply nodded and disappeared.

Phil felt a little bit faint. His fingers tightened in Dan’s, the world swaying around him. Dan was still here. For now. He was here.

Fingers tightened around Phil’s arm, gently pushing him towards the door. “Inside, now,” Dan whispered into his ear, “Quickly, I need to – Phil, I need to—”

Phil understood. He knew exactly what Dan was talking about. He fumbled for his keys, got them both back inside his building, and hurried quickly to his flat door.

They didn’t make it two steps before Dan was pushing Phil against the wall, still metres from his actual flat, and this was still dangerous because anyone could walk past, anyone could see them—

“Phil,” Dan whispered, and the sound was broken and almost desperate and Phil couldn’t think about anything else, not right then. He stared right back at the man in front of him, the man clutching at his shirt sleeve hard enough to pinch his arm, the man who looked so young suddenly with no hint of sardonic amusement on his face.

Phil reached up for him, leaned in, and kissed him.

Dan sagged into him, like he was melting all over again, fitting perfectly in Phil’s arms until Phil was the only one holding him up. Phil wasn’t the only one this was taking a toll on. Not with the way Dan reached for him, held onto him, kissed him like a drowning man.

“Not yet,” Phil whispered against his lips, dragging him down the hall into the safety of his flat.

---

They did the most kissing they’d ever done in one go that night. Up until then, kisses had been small, gentle things, sweet nudges of affection against each other’s lips, nothing more. They hadn’t needed anything more.

But this time – this time, Phil felt like a desperate man, like someone who was about to lose everything under his fingertips. He clung onto Dan, remembered the feeling against him, tried to lose himself in someone else’s arms.

They stayed fully clothed, which held off Phil’s repulsion. And the kissing was still just kissing, aside from when Dan occasionally leaned down and pressed his lips to Phil’s throat, which sent a shiver down Phil’s spine which was just this side of good. Any more, and he’d have been pushing Dan away, but Dan had grown to learn his reactions and knew not to push him any further.

Dan needed this, too. He never left Phil’s side, never left any unnecessary space between them, until the warmth was almost unbearable. But Phil would never have had it any other way. They stayed wrapped up in Phil’s bedsheets in a tangled heap of limbs and faces and breathing and kisses, and neither of them got much sleep that night.

“I’m going to miss you,” Dan mumbled at some point with his face buried in Phil’s hair.

“Shush,” Phil muttered back, swatting at him, and then rolled them over so he could lie himself down on Dan’s warm, sturdy chest. He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to hold Dan here, in his bed, and remember what it felt like to have another person in his flat.

He fell asleep soon after, but Dan remained awake, eyes hiding a shadow as he stroked his fingers through Phil’s hair.

In the morning, Phil woke up to an empty bed and a note scrawled hastily on the back of an envelope and left on the bedside table. Car arrived. Didn’t want to wake you. There were a few scribbled out lines, and then, finally, Don’t break anything before I see you again. All my love – Dan.

Phil stared at it for a very long time, until his vision had blurred and his breathing sounded funny.

All my love – Dan.

He’d thought that word would terrify him. Phil still hadn’t said it, wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to without it feeling like some sort of lie. But he felt it. The emotion blossoming in his chest, constricting his heart until he thought it would burst – there was no denying what that was.

Phil blinked, hard, grabbed the note, screwed it against his chest, and flopped back into his pillows. Dan was apparently just as bad at goodbyes as Phil was, but Phil couldn’t help wishing Dan had at least woken him up. Just to have one last hug.

But would Phil really have been able to let go?

Honestly, Phil wouldn’t put it past himself to just upend everything on a whim and head down to London with Dan, his PhD be damned. But that wasn’t the sensible, adult thing to do. Phil needed some thinking time, time to actually consider his own future and how best to keep Dan in it. Maybe he did need space to do that.

But no amount of rationalising would stop the hollow ache in his heart when he rolled over to find the other half of the bed empty.

Phil bit his lower lip, glanced down at the note still squished between his fingers, and then tucked it securely under his pillow. He’d leave it there, he decided, until Dan was back with him again.

They wouldn’t leave it too long. Phil didn’t think he could cope.

But for now, he had work in a few hours and a thesis to finish, so after a few minutes more of moping, Phil forced himself out of the bed for day number one without Dan.

A/N: A note before you go: (incredibly) this fic is up for several phanfic awards (thank you so so much to anyone who nominated me, I couldn’t believe it!!) so if you’re interested in the awards and want info on how to vote check out this post here

#phanfic #phan au #actor!Dan #ace!Phil #bi!Dan #iwritephanthings #inmyway

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