#And okay. Its my fault but now my mom is upset at me and even threatened to take my phone away

[maudlin-scribbler]

Mother has told me she thinks that my behaviour has been getting worse lately and that apparently she doesn't recognise me anymore but it's really that I'm so tired of her shit and my family in general + school + my mental state that I barely care to pretend around her anymore and yes maybe I am more of a dick around my family. But whatever me sometimes raising my voice at them and telling them to leave me alone is only like 5% of everything they've ever put me through

[selfpositiveundertale]

Long post.

TW: car accident

Hey everyone. I'm not doing great.

I've already been having a hard time with migraines getting absolutely out of hand and interfering with literally everything in my life, but yesterday I had my first car accident. The meme I just posted is relevant. It was my fault but thankfully only me in the vehicle. Other than bruised knees(I'm short so I had the seat pulled up close so I could reach the pedals) and some mild rug burns where the air bag got me on my left hand and my neck (I had instinctively raised my arms to protect my face), I don't think I was injured in any way my chiropractor couldn't fix. Definitely jarred my entire skeleton and dislocated some ribs and messed up my neck but what else is new. I didn't hit my head and nothing hurts in any way I'm not already deeply familiar with. Surprisingly I haven't gotten a migraine yet but I'm fully expecting one soon.

Really good thing I wasn't wearing my sunglasses. I lost the pendent off my necklace though. It must have broken off when the air bag blew and then fallen into the road when I got out of the vehicle.

My vehicle is totaled. Not a great loss since the thing was on its last legs anyway but it sucks not having my own transportation now, even if I could only drive in town and couldn't leave town because it wouldn't make it far on the interstate. It would start shaking like a leaf any time I went over 50 mph and I didn't like that. I'm really sore and tired and shaken up but I'm getting through it.

My husband came immediately when I called him and he talked to the car insurance company and called his boss to take the rest of the day off work so he could be with me.

The people in the other car were mostly okay other than the man having a cut on his forehead and his wife having a scraped knee but both of their babies were completely unharmed, thank goodness. Nobody was mad at me, possibly because I was hysterical panicking inconsolable and kept apologizing and asking if they were okay. They were also on their way to the car dealership to see about getting a new vehicle anyway, so I think they'll be fine.

I made an appointment with my chiropractor this morning and he checked everything and basically said I was in pretty bad shape but not really any worse than usual, which was a great relief but not surprising. He fixed the ribs, my shoulder blades, neck, and hands and gave me some samples of a supplement he said might help the soreness. I'm also taking my painkillers, OTC pain medicine, and applying arnica cream to the bruises.

I've been so tired and sore and haven't been up to doing much of anything except eating my feelings but I'm making sure my pets get fed and helping my husband get ready for work in the morning. I don't think I'll be able to meal prep anything for him like I normally do and he says it's okay, he's not expecting anything of me if I don't feel up to it and he doesn't mind buying his breakfast and lunch.

I fear the financial repercussions of this, especially since things have already been very tight due to several sudden veterinary expenses. The cat gods looked at us and went "kittens upon you and your household" so in the last 4 weeks there have been 2 vet visits for a tiny baby runt of a kitten my husband found alone and abandoned at his workplace, one for a very pregnant stray kitty that followed a family member home and popped out 7 babies, and one for my dog when she caught a UTI. We think she's over it by now but I'm taking her back to the vet Friday for a recheck. It's been hard with her because she's been refusing to eat her dry food and we've been having to buy wet food as well as chicken breast and white rice and alternating between the wet food and a bland diet when the antibiotics made her tummy upset. I'm really hoping that by Friday I'll be brave enough to drive. The vet isn't far and my mom is going to let me take her old car for whatever I need until we manage to get me another used vehicle.

I know the car insurance is going to go up because of the crash even though now there's one less vehicle on it, and I'm praying to the heavens that I don't have to actually go to a doctor and get checked out because of the crash.

I need to see a doctor anyway about the migraines that are now coming several times a week and affecting me in unsettling ways like impairing my speech, making me nauseous when I use my eyeballs for their intended purpose, and even made me collapse once. But the clinic I usually go to because the price is income based is in the next town and I'd definitely have to have my husband take time off work to take me. I also fear they'll refer me to a neurologist. I'm certain I need to see one but since I don't have health insurance and the process for getting financial assistance at any given specialist office is (probably deliberately) incredibly difficult and tedious and almost not even worth the effort, it just doesn't seem feasible at this time.

I am trying to make things to stock my Etsy shop so I can make some money but at the moment I just don't have the energy for it. But maybe I should try anyway. The simple repetitive action of crocheting while listening to a book or Old Gods Of Appalachia might help me settle down and feel more normal. My hands ache but my compression gloves might help.

Things are just extremely scary and very painful right now. Staying determined is hard but I'm trying. I'm trying so hard.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[amomentsescape]

Jason is my comfor character so can I request a Jason x reader who comes crying to him cause when she talks to her parents about what upsets her they always blame them for their own feelings and fight starts so their scared to discuss feelings with them and they're mom can't follow through on plans with her cause her job makes her too tired and its always something and they made a plan to visit extended family for a long time then it gets postponed for a long time again and then forgotten about and the only time they seen their extended family on both sides was near there birthday at a funeral when a cousin killed themselves and it feels they can only see their family when someone kills themselves

A Promise to You

Jason Voorhees x Reader

Summary: A fight with their parents drives Reader to see Jason: the one person they know they can rely on.

Warnings: Angst then fluff, mentions of family member suicide

Word Count: 1,136

A/N: Comfort characters are incredibly important, so I hope I wrote him in a light that lines up with what you wanted. Sending you all the love <3

You could feel that familiar burn make its way into your stomach. Your eyes were already watering too despite trying your best to hold them back.

"We'll try to see them next year sometime, okay?" your mother said, her eyes still glued to her phone.

You swallowed roughly and looked down at your hands, noticing the dry skin beside your nails.

Nasty habit, you thought.

"I haven't seen them in so long," you finally responded quietly.

You could hear your father let out a sigh at this.

"Nothin' we can do about it. You'll be fine."

Your eyes began to water once more.

"But the last time the whole family was together was-"

"Near your birthday," your mother cut you off, still refusing to look directly at you.

You looked back at her face, trying to focus on anything other than breaking down right then and there. You tried to steady your breathing.

There was a time when your mother actually tried to talk to you and spend time with you. Although now, that felt like a dream, something that never actually happened.

"It was at my cousin's funeral," you whispered.

Both of your parents looked up at you. Finally.

"Right," was all that was said.

You knew deep down that this conversation was going to end up nowhere, but there was still a part of you that hoped maybe this would be the time they'd actually listen. Maybe this time they'd care.

"It just seems like someone has to die for us to actually see everyone again," you responded a little louder than before.

Whatever hope you had held onto was immediately diminished at your mother rolling her eyes and your father scoffing.

"Jesus, (Y/N). It's not our fault that happened-"

"I'm not saying it was," you shot back. The energy in the room was starting to become uncomfortable.

"Okay, then stop acting like it is!"

You took a deep breath in. "I'm just trying to tell you how I'm feel-"

"How about you do that without blaming us for all of your problems?!" your mother snapped. "It's not our fault the trip was canceled. It's not that big of a deal!"

You could feel your patience wearing thin.

"I'm sorry that the idea of spending time with my family sounded nice for a change! Especially when my own mother won't even acknowledge me when she gets home from work!"

"Do NOT speak to her like that!" your father yelled, his face turning red.

Your mother just looked at you, anger filling in her eyes.

"You don't know what it's like to be exhausted from a full-time job!"

"Well, if I had a child, I would still try to make time for them instead of canceling every plan just because I have to work!"

"Are you saying I'm a bad mother?!"

"You're barely a mother at all when you won't even talk to me!"

Your father stood up at this, walking towards you with a scowl painted on his face.

"Why do you always have to be so goddamn sensitive all the time?! You're not a baby! You don't need us to support you 24/7. You need to learn to grow up!"

At this point, your cheeks were already soaked from all the tears spilled. Your throat ached at trying to hold back the sobs, and you could feel your hands shaking by your sides.

But the worst part wasn't even how pathetic you felt in that moment, crying in the middle of your living room. It was the fact that your parents just stood there staring at you with a look of anger and disappointment etched into their features. You didn't feel loved in that moment- you felt despised.

You didn't want to be here anymore. You needed to get out of that environment before the heavy air suffocated you.

Despite the protests of your parents, you ran out the front door of the home and let your feet take you where they wanted to go.

You didn't know how much time had gone by. It could have been minutes, hours, you didn't care. You knew what you needed, and it was him.

You finally stopped running once the front door to the cabin was right in front of you.

Without even needing to knock, Jason opened the door, his head tilted at why you were there. Not that he wasn't happy to see you, he had just made a rule that you wouldn't go lurking into these woods at night. It wasn't safe for you.

But this worry went out the door the moment he saw your tear stained cheeks and the deep frown carved onto your lips.

He pulled you inside immediately, sitting you down beside him on the couch.

Without even thinking, he wrapped himself around you. And this is what seemed to break the dam.

Your sobs muffled into his chest, and you could feel his arms tighten around your frame. He was almost frightened of what had made you this upset.

He let you cry into him for a bit longer before pulling you back, checking over your body to make sure you weren't physically hurt. When he felt confident you were fine, his eyes met yours and he gave you a questioning look.

You moved your gaze to your lap.

"M-my parents," your voice broke.

Jason seemed to immediately know what you meant by this. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time that something bad had gone down with your parents. As much as he wanted to take away this problem for good, he knew that you would never allow it. You still loved them at the end of the day.

"They j-just never listen to me," you sniffled. "I just wish they'd h-hear me out for once..."

Jason put his hand on the side of your face, wiping away the new tears that continued to spill from your eyes.

He took your own hand gently in his free one, placing it over his chest. It was what he did whenever he wanted to reassure you or tell you that he loves you.

This managed to get a little smile from you.

No matter what happened, Jason was always there for you. He was the one person you knew who would hear you out and never judge. It was why this was the one place your feet decided to carry you to when your own home felt like too much.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," you whispered to him.

You could see his eyes brighten under his mask at this. He nodded as if to say he felt the same.

He couldn't prevent these things from occurring, but Jason promised to always be there to pick you up. And Jason doesn't break his promises.

[mayaschapstick]

˗ˏˋ TEEN PARENTS ´ˎ˗

• —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

pairing : matt x fem!reader

summary : y/n turned out to be pregnant after forgetting to take the pill.

warnings : angst, swearing, fighting.

a/n : im so sorry for not posting anything in so so long 🙏🏼 im just really unmotivated and failing school reallly bad atm 😔

• —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

y/n immediately texted matt after she did the pregnancy test.

„matt”

„matt we need to talk rn”

„im coming over idc„

she panicked, she told her mom she was going to matt’s, grabbing her jacket and putting her shoes on before quickly walking over to matts house.

it was cold outside so she walked a bit faster.

8 minutes later arriving at matts, knocking on his front door, expecting one of his brothers or his mom to answer the door, but to y/n’s suprise matt opened the door, seemed like he was home alone and it looked like he just came out of the shower, his hair wet and hes in his sweats and a tshirt.

y/n came straight to the point, not even lettinf him say hello or saying hello.

„did you see my text?”

she said as she stepped in, closing the door behind her looking up at him.

matt shook his head.

„no..? i just showered and my phones in my room charging..”

he said, looking down at her nervous and panicking face.

„we have to talk matt.”

she said as she looked up at him.

„about what?”

he answered,

„us. me..? man i dont know!”

she sighed before talking.

„i told you i took the pill yeah..?”

y/n looked at him, nervous.

„yes-?…”

he answered, leaning against the chair behind him.

„i kinda forgot to take it. an-“

matt immediately spoke up.

„forgot to take it?? how the fuck could you forget taking the pill?!”

y/n looked up at him, panicking.

„i dont know im sorry!”

„i mean its not really my fault only. you couldve pulled out or sum!”

matt looks offended, pushing himself off the chair

"me?! you're the one responsible for making sure you take the pill consistently. don't put this on me, too!"

y/n looked at him, sighing frustrated.

„well you said no to the cond-!”

y/n got cut off by matts mom coming through the front door.

his mom looking up at y/n, suprised.

„oh hi y/n. what a nice suprise to see you.”

she smiled friendly,

y/n gave a little smile back.

„evening miss sturniolo.”

matt had the blankest expression on his face, standing there awkwardly now that his mom had arrived. she eyed him for a second before looking back a y/n.

"are you staying for dinner, dear?" she asked.

y/n looked at matt. matt caught her look, rolling his eyes

"sure she can stay, ma." he said begrudgingly.

"nice!" matt's mom said enthusiastically, putting her keys down, taking her jacket off and then headed to the kitchen to start on dinner

matt grabbed ahold of melody's wrist and dragged her up the stairs to his room.

he quickly shut the door behind them both

„jesus, y/n. are you sure you're pregnant? like you sure sure?" he asked.

„i dont know!!”

she scream-whispered.

„maybe its just the stress man idk!”

he scoffed

"stress? what would you be stressed about? exams already passed. you're in a happy relationship. we're in a happy relationship..."

y/n sighed.

matt studied her for a moment

„listen... i know i freaked out but you can tell me if it's true or not. I won't be mad, i promise." he assured her

she swalloed before covering her face with her hands and looking down, shaking.

„i am pregnant.“

matt's eyes widened and his heart pounded inside his chest. he was speechless for a moment

"f-for how long..?" he finally managed to croak out

„i-im not sure. probably almost 2 months.”

she said, shaking slightly.

matt inhaled deeply as he stood up and walked over to her. he carefully held her hands and moved them away from her face, holding them in both of his

"hey, hey... look at me."

he lifted her chin slightly so that when she looked up, she was looking into his eyes

"i'm not mad, okay? yeah, yeah i'm a little upset that you forgot to take the goddamn pill, and yeah i'm freakin' the hell out right now... but i'm not mad at you." he assured her

"it takes two to tango, after all." he added, trying to get her to crack a smile. he hated seeing her like this

y/n finally cracked a small smile once he spoke, and she looked up at him with watery eyes

"i'm so sorry, matt.." she mumbled softly, biting her lip anxiously "

hey.. there's no need to apologize." he said quietly, holding her hands tighter as they hung down between them. "we're in this together, remember?"

y/n nodded quietly and sniffled a bit, trying her hardest to hold back tears

„i'm scared." she admitted in a small voice

matt's heart ached when he heard her speak. he gently pulled her closer, wrapping an arm around her waist and holding onto her tightly

„i know you're scared. i am, too. but we'll figure this out, alright?" he assured her

y/n burried her head in his chest.

„promise..?”

„i promise."

he answered.

• —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

a/n : i hoped yall like this even tho this is kinda fast paced 🙏🏼 but rebloggs and likes are highly appreciated!!

taglits : @melschapstick @bel2p0 @ldrloverrrrrr

[roxyzwritez]

pearlrose content

wanna see how ive been writing all these episodes? spoiler: it was not written with the intent to be read. but its really cute if you can get past and decipher my writes. (also im not 100% sure i like how i did this. may redo this one.) pls feedback. also @rosenotactuallyquartz i think you may like this ((im sorry abt the near daily tags))

under the cut so dashes don't get flooded

greg wakes up. gets coffee. gets breakfast. sits outside. frown.

rose floats over.

rose: good morning greg!

greg: hey rose.

rose: what's the matter? :(

greg: i was hoping you wouldn't ask.. im not doing great.

rose: why is that?

greg: i thought i'd be so happy that you're back. i thought i'd still be completely in love with you like i was before, but.. i just don't feel it anymore. im sorry.

rose, frown: that's okay, greg. we can be friends. i understand. i disappeared for 14 years- not that long to me, but that's a long time for humans. i understand if your feelings changed. especially with all my.. mistakes… revealed. im just glad you told me.

greg: are you sure? its okay to be upset, rose.

rose: i dont follow human relationship dynamics. im a little sad, sure, but you're still a friend. its not the end of the world.

greg: as long as you're okay.

rose: i am. don't worry about me, greg.

greg: okay.

she looks at him with a smile before flying off back home. she walks in.

tumblr note: im really unsure abt the breakup thing honestly. it feels weird especially how she just instantly goes to pearl. tell me ur thoughts yall!

stv, eatin chaps: hey mom.

rose: hi steven. wheres pearl?

stv: ooooooo-

rose chuckles: oh, stop it.

stv: i think she went to her room. she's been in there a lot recently.

rose: huh. alright, thank you steven.

stv: no problem.

rose goes into pearls room.

rose: pearl?

pearl quickly gets up: y-yes rose? sorry, i didn't know you were coming.

rose floats on over: i would like to talk to you about something.

pearl,😳: o-okay.

rose: i know how you feel about me. but im not entirely sure you understand how i feel about you.

pearl looks away: but- greg.

rose, chuckling: pearl. i talked to him just now, and he told me he doesn't feel that way towards me anymore. and from what i understand about human relationships, being with multiple people is a bit of a problem. ive always loved you, pearl. i knew either this would happen, or he'd… reach his time at some point. this was always going to happen, pearl. i don't need future vision for that.

pearl: i-

rose tacklehugs her to the ground and they roll around happy. pearl happycries

rose: ohh, my beloved pearl. not my pearl, but my beloved pearl. does- does that make sense?- oh my- (starts laughing)

pearl, chuckling softly: i know what you meant, rose.

rose: okay. good. le smoochie

pearl: i love you, rose. so much.

rose: i love you even more.

pearl: no, i do.

rose, chuckling: oh, pearl.

they smile at eachother.

stv: that was the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life.

pearl extremely embarrassed: STEVEN!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE-

rose: pearl, its okay. they're all allowed to know. we don't need to be a secret. besides, garnet probably knows anyway.

pearl: o-okay. but steven please don't do that again.

stv: it was so worth it. i will never forget this.

rose: alright, steven. can me and pearl talk in private again?

stv: aww mann. okay. (leaves)

rose: you don't know how badly i wanted to be with you. always. it hurt that i couldn't be there for you for those years.. trapped in his gem. i wish i could've done something, but i just couldn't. believe me, i tried.

pearl: its okay. its not your fault. you're here now, and that is enough for me. (squeeze hug cry) im sorry for crying so much i cant help it.

rose: let it out, pearl. its okay. (soft hug n comforts back, headpats and otherwise adorable shit)

[fields-of-grimes]

Come Back | Carl Grimes Fights Part 2

Carl Grimes x Fem!Reader

CW: Strong language

Song inspiration: It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects

Carl looked for you for hours, he was crying harder than before, he didn’t mean it, he didn't mean a word he said, he decided to stop looking when he noticed it was almost dark. He headed back to Alexandria, hoping and praying to god, if there even is a god anymore, that you made it back Alexandria safe and sound. He climbed back over the wall running to his house. He busted in the door coming face to face with Rick and Michonne. Rick opened his mouth to speak but Carl quickly cut him off.

“Is she here? Please tell me shes here. Please tell me she’s here, please tell me Y/N is here.” He begged to his dad. Rick shook his head. “No? The last time i saw her she was with you, whats going on?” Rick asked starting to get a little worried.

Carl fell to his knees hearing Ricks words of not seeing you. “It’s my fault! She’s gone and its all my fault!” He screamed as he cried harder. Rick sat  next to him as michonne walked up to him. “Calm down Carl, what do you mean Y/N’s gone?” She asked giving rick a concerned look.

“She’s gone! She left! I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean what i said!” Carl screamed as he fell over and curled up in the fetal position.

“You didn't mean what you said? What did you say to her?” Michonne asked getting scared of Carl’s reaction.

“I..I t-told her th-that i w-wish d-dad never f-found h-her!” He said causing both rick and michonne’s eyes to widen. “Why would you say that to her!?” Rick asked or well yelled at Carl.

“I w-was playing video games w-with R-Ron and M-Mikey when i started talking about m-mom, Y/N came t-to comfort me, and Enid started talking shit about mom’s death, i went over the walls and Y/N found me, she tried to comfort me and i just blew up on her! I didn't mean too! I didn't mean it!” 

Carl’s explanation of why he said what he said to you made since to rick and michonne, they shared a look before turning their attention back to Carl.

“Okay Carl calm down, we’ll look for her in the morning.” Michonne said as she rubbed his back, her words only upset Carl more. “NO WE HAVE TO GO NOW! THIS CAN’T WAIT UNTIL MORNING! WE HAVE TO GO NOW!” Carl’s screams were no longer sad, they were now angry, he was angry at himself for being the reason you left, he needed to find you tonight. “If you won’t help me i’ll go by myself again, give me the keys to a car.” He said standing up and holding his hand out, like Rick was gonna give in that easily and just hand him keys to a vehicle in his state.

“No Carl, you're not going by yourself.” Rick held his hand up telling Carl to wait before he blew up on him even more. “We’re gonna go with you, just in case.”

“Just in case what. Just in case i find her and she’s dead, and she’s already turned!” Carl said as all the worst case scenarios that could happen to you are jumping to the front of his mind.

“Now Carl let’s not jump straight to conclusions, what Rick means is just in case you happen to not see her.” Michonne said trying to keep Carl from going even more insane.

Carl shook his head before running out the door, don’t ask him how but somehow he managed to find a car that still had the keys in it. He screamed at whomever was on watch to open the gates, after who knows how long of Carl arguing to get the gates opened, they finally opened. He sped out of Alexandria not really paying attention to where he was going. the only thing on his mind was finding you, and making things right.

You had ran until it felt like your lungs were on fire, you looked around to see where you were, it was hard considering it was pitch black outside, and you didn’t bring a flashlight. You saw what looked like an empty house, you looked around and listened for any walkers, when you didn't hear any you started to walk towards the house, right before you got to the steps, you heard a car. You tried to run, but the car already pulled into the driveway, you pulled out your knife ready to throw hands, or well knives at the driver.

Carl was about to give up, every single worst case scenario was already in his head, he pulled into what he thought was just another driveway to turn around, then he saw you. he shut off the car quickly and got out, he held his hands up as if he was surrendering. “Y/N baby you're okay.” He said walking up to you.

You bit your lip and looked away “Why are you here? I thought you wished your dad never found me.” You said, your voice cracking slightly.

“I didn’t mean it, i was just upset baby girl. Come back with me, come home.” He said as he reached you. You nodded and looked at him. “Okay.” You said making him smile and reach for your hand. “But it’s best you leave me alone.” His smile faded at your words. “What?” He asked you, you sighed “I don’t know if i can do this anymore Carl.” You said, you swear you heard his heart break., one of the worst case scenarios he imagined happened. “A-Are you breaking up with me?” He asked with tears going down his cheek. You didn’t say anything, you just walked to the car and got in waiting for Carl.

The drive back to Alexandria was silent, except for the sounds of crying coming from both you and Carl. Once you both arrived, you went to get out but carl stopped you. “I love you Y/N so much i’m so sorry for what i said please don’t throw us away.” He said, you just once again sighed. “it’s too late to fight carl. goodnight.” you got out of the car and went to your house, the house you also shared with Glenn and Maggie.

---------------------------------------

lmk if you want a pt3

[cr-noble-writes]

So its already looking like Christmas is going to be a massive bust this year for us. And honestly? I'm fine with that. I am okay with not being able to afford to spend a fuckton of money on presents for the kids, because for the most part, my kids don't actually care about how much things cost. They just think its cool to get stuff they like. And the reality is that we've spent enough of their lives struggling financially, that they understand that sometimes, we just don't have the money. Because while I do my best to make sure they know its never their fault or responsibility, I also don't lie to my kids about important things.

What's really bothering me about all this right now is how upset my mom is about it. (For those of you who don't already know this, I live with my mom for financial reasons, my mental health, and her physical health). And the reason she's so upset about it is because the reason we're struggling financially right now is because my brother, who is in prison, is a fucking hole in her pocket. Over the last year or so, she's literally drained her savings trying to keep this dumbass out of trouble, or get him out of one kind of trouble or another that he's gotten himself into. He asks her for money literally every time he calls. And she's afraid to tell him no because she's afraid that something terrible is going to happen to him if she doesn't give the money to whoever tf.

And I am just... so fed up and angry. Because I don't even know if I believe the bullshit he tells mom to get this money sent to people. And I try not to be frustrated with my mom because I get that she's just trying to protect her kid but like... when does it stop? When do you make him be responsible for his own bullshit? When do you stop breaking yourself financially, physically, and mentally for this? When do you remember that he's not the only fucking one of your kids that needs you?

When do I get to stop being worried that my brother is going to get himself killed in a maximum security prison and also that my mother is going to kill herself trying to keep him safe?

I know I don't typically talk about my personal bullshit on tumblr, but its 5:30 in the morning at the beginning of yet another holiday season that my brother is spending in jail. And my mom spent half of last night crying because she can't afford to buy Christmas presents for her grandkids.

I'm so tired of it. I am so, so tired of cleaning up other people's messes. I am so tired of always having to hold it together. I am so tired of constantly trying to figure out what to do while also knowing there's nothing I can do because I cannot control my brother and I cannot control my mother.

I am so fucking exhausted. I'm just so god damn tired.

Anyway. Sorry for the personal dump. And thanks for listening.

[liviavanrouge]

Chat

Sena: ....is it selfish to me...to not want to know them?

Cove: *Looks at her* Your siblings?

Sena: *Hugs her knees to her chest* Yeah....I mean it wasn't their fault that they were taken in and I got left alone but it still hurts

Cove: Can you explain everything to me?

Sena: Apparently my parents died and then it was me and triplet siblings, no blood relatives could take us in...

Sena: My siblings got taken before I did and I was left alone for a short while till Mom and Ma took me in...

Cove: Sena, I'm really sorry about what happened to your parents..so, so sorry

Sena: *Rubs her eyes trying to stop the tears* It's embarrassing being seen like this, I've been the most mature one and now I'm breaking down

Cove: Sena....you're not doing anything wrong, you know that right

Sena: *Tilts her head away silently*

Cove: I think you can be as sad as you want, for as long as you need or you can feel okay about it whenever you want, too

Sena: ....you didn't answer my question from earlier...

Cove: *Rubs the back of his head, looking away* ....I don't think you're selfish for wanting that

Sena: *Perks up surprised*

Cove: Yeah, like you said, it's not their fault you all got separated but I guess I somewhat understand not wanting to know people you've never known...

Sena: *Stares at him*

Cove: But...one day, you might run into them and maybe you'll feel different

Sena: *Looks away, her hair falling out of its buns* Maybe....but right now, I'm grateful for the people who are already in my life, I feel no need to go searching for my siblings just to be happy....

???: Hey.

Sena: *Turns around, her hair draping over her left shoulder*

Elizabeth: *Stands not far then walks closer* Would you mind going? I want to talk to just Sena.

Elizabeth: You can come back, it's not gonna be forever or anything

Sena: I wanted to talk with you as well

Elizabeth: Oh? Then we're on the same page

Sena: *Stands up, watching Cove leave*

Elizabeth: Did Mom's tell you about your parents too?

Sena: My birth parents are dead and turns out I'm a triplet....but my siblings got taken before I did...

Elizabeth: *Looks away* Sorry.

Sena: Why did you want to talk to me?

Elizabeth: *Raises an eyebrow* I was worried about you, I was the one who brought it up but I made you deal with whatever was left after I was gone

Sena: *Blinks twice* Oh

Elizabeth: I wanted to ask you what happened without anyone breathing down our necks

Sena: *Smiles* It was quite rude to bail like that

Elizabeth: *Rolls her eyes, trying to hide her smile* I know, I know, I'm not very nice

Sena: *Looks down her smile fading* All of this.....really upset me..

Elizabeth: I'm sorry Sena, it's a pretty depressing topic

Sena: It is...

Elizabeth: You have to be born in the U.S. to become president

Sena: Huh?

Elizabeth: I get that I was never gonna get to be president but...it just feels weird having stuff taken away not even getting a chance at it..

Elizabeth: I don't like having to know that when I was born I was gonna have a completely different life

Elizabeth: So different that I can't even think about what it'd look like in my head

Sena: *Fiddles with her dress, watching Elizabeth Intently*

Elizabeth: I could've spoken another language, lived away from everything I've ever seen here, had someone else as my sibling

Elizabeth: And then my parents died, and I was adopted and the life I got became a totally new thing forever

Sena: Elizabeth...

Elizabeth: I can't go back to what it was even if I wanted to

Sena: I guess I know how you feel...a little, but to be honest I couldn't care less about a life I could've had

Sena: *Looks away towards the ocean* This is my life...even though I didn't choose it, I'm gonna stick with it until the end

Elizabeth: *Stares at her* I don't know why today was the day

Sena: *Turns her attention back to her*

Elizabeth: Nothing came up to make me ask the question, It was just something I've had in my head for a while

Elizabeth: When it was just me and moms in the living room I just kind of....said it, finally and there you go

Sena: Oh...

Elizabeth: ....learning about them and what happened doesn't change how I feel about our family, Sena

Elizabeth: *Smirks* I'd already figured out a long time ago that moms weren't out biological parents. It wasn't news

Sena: They could've, just not together

Elizabeth: True but I'm not half white or native american. So, no, neither of them could have been my mom

Elizabeth: Nice try, smart aleck

Sena: *Smiles slightly*

Elizabeth: Nothing about the family I was first born in would've made me decide that this wasn't my family anymore

Elizabeth: *Smiles* If you had hoped you'd be free of my big sisterly status, don't think you're so lucky

Sena: *Giggles*

Elizabeth: You'll always be my little sister

Sena: And you'll always be my big sister

Elizabeth: *Chuckles* Ready to head back home? It's been a long day

Sena: Yes please

Elizabeth: Come on, you two, let's go

Sena: *Smiles, and dusts the bottom of her dress off hurrying after her*

[cupoftaae]

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ sunrise in versailles (part 3) (chapter 15)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 5k

warnings- swearing, fighting (waaa), emotional distress, mentions of miscarriage, lots of sad shit tbh. I think this is all? lmk.

a/n-Hi m'loves, I hope ur all doing well and having a good summer so far!! I will update the main masterlist asap so all of the chapters are easily accessible through pinned post on my page! -Nini

"so....he's saying that it just happened and there wasn't necessarily any reasoning behind it. Its normal....its not your fault." Taehyung whispered, translating the english speaking doctor's words into Korean as you remained seating in a hospital bed.

No reasoning? normal?

You would scoff if you had the energy.

Instead, you just blinked a few times in understanding, putting your head back and looking up at the obnoxiously bright lights in the room. Really- they werent comforting in the slightest.

The doctor kept speaking to Taehyung, who then would refer to you, "they are....gonna give you medicine to help pass any, um, tissue? left inside..." his voice was thick, slicked with grief as he tried to explain everything.

After they handed you a few papers and pamphlets, they passed a bottle of pain reliever and extra medication into your hands, then pushed you out of the clinic, as if nothing happened, or if anything changed.

The car ride back to the hotel was quiet, you refused to even hold Taehyungs hand, which, yeah...you felt bad for shutting him out, because you know he was hurting just as much as you were, however you wanted to just process it by yourself. It perhaps was selfish to do so, but you didnt want to talk about it.

even with him.

"maybe its a good idea to look into a flight back home...?" he whispered, hand on your lower back as you walk back into the room. You winced before crawling onto the bed, hugging a pillow.

"no....." you mumbled, closing your eyes. The thought of going on a 12 hour plane ride in this condition made you queasy. You just wanted to lay in bed for the next few days to recover.

He put the stuff down and stood in front of the bed, looking down at his feet as his mind rambled of ways to help. "are you hungry?"

You shook your head.

"thirsty? You should probably have some water......do you want me to run you a bath-?"

"taehyung!" you looked over at him, he was taken back for a moment upon hearing your voice, the loudest you've spoken since the miscarriage began. "I want to be left alone, I dont need anything"

He frowned, "but you-"

"but nothing" you sighed, resting your head back down. You swallowed any trace of sadness in your voice, any signal you were ready to break down. "I just....I want to sleep."

"okay" he nodded, upset at your dismissive behavior. All he wanted was to hold you in this moment, for you two to mourn together so you can heal, and you were practically pretending he didnt exist.

He grabbed his cellphone and calmly left the room, walking out to clear his head. The weather was now much sunnier, air was hot but nice. He wondered what adventure you both would be up to right now if this never happened.

Reluctantly, he began to ring up his mother to discuss whats going on, knowing that you will probably be mad for doing it without you, but he needed someone to talk to so desperately.

"mom...." he whispered when the ringing on the other line stopped, signaling someone picked up.

"Taehyung? whats wrong?" her voice was groggy, He suddenly remembered that it was really late over in Busan, and she was most likely asleep.

"im sorry for calling so late" he mumbled, "I just really need to talk to you"

"what is it?" her voice was more awake now, obvious curiosity and panic.

He sighed, taking a breath as he looked around at the people walking down the street. "Y/N....this morning, she had a miscarriage." he swallowed roughly, feeling the familiar lump in his throat. "we just got back to the room after going to the clinic, shes okay, but she wont talk to me...and I know this doesnt concern you in the slightest, you were upset to begin with, but....im hurting mom." his voice cracked at the last sentence, face hiding into his arm.

He heard a stilling of breath on the other line.

Taehyungs mother wasnt all too pleased to hear you both were expecting a child together, but she never wished for something like this to happen, it was heartbreaking.

"ah my son... im terribly sorry my dear." she exhaled, "its okay to cry, its okay to be upset, you know?"

He sniffed, wiping his eyes with the collar of his shirt, "yeah but, I just wanna be with her and shes getting mad at me"

"Its a difficult situation, She is hurting just like you maybe even more, and she needs space....she will come around okay? where is she? where are you? did they specify what caused it?"

"im outside of our hotel, sitting on a bench, she doesnt want me in the room....and shes okay, they gave her medicine and stuff but they said it was natural, like nothing inflicted it or caused it"

She nodded on the other line "okay...maybe you both should come home. I know you worked hard to be there right now but if shes sick you guys need to be close to us. I will make some meals and bring them over so she doesnt have to cook, or you can just stay with us, whatever you two decide."

He brushed his hair with his fingers, listening to his mothers soft soothing tone, one he wasn't particularly used to hearing too often. "I asked her if we should go back and she said no"

"she wants to stay in a foreign country during this? what if something else happens?"

"I dont think she wants to deal with the plane ride" he sighed

"thats understandable, but she can just sleep the entire time, then i'll order a cab to our house straight from the airport, how does that sound?"

"I'll try to talk to her again about it, I just want her to be okay"

"she will be okay, but these things take time. She may not act like she needs you there with her but she does, go back to the room okay?"

"okay....thank you, I'll text you after, love you..." he mumbled, grateful that for once, his mother was supportive in such a time of pain.

-

"you showered?" he asked, walking back into the room as he saw you on the floor, looking out the large window by the bed. Your long wet hair gently dripping to the carpet below you.

"mhm" your eyes stayed glued to the city, watching cars drive around as the sun began to say its goodbyes, setting beautifully and coating the sky with a purple and orange tint.

His eyes looked down to the pillow in your lap, you squeezed it tightly.

"how...uh, how are you feeling physically?"

"mm" you shrugged, finally turning back to look at him. You were pale, and you looked exhausted. The dark bags under your eyes didnt lie. "im managing"

"you dont have to manage alone" he whispered, sitting beside you.

"taehyung..."

"y/n"

You looked at him as he sat on the carpet next to you, your body tightening up once more.

"why wont you let me be here for you?" he whispered, eyes directly on yours as he tilted his head. Taehyung didnt want to come off as aggressive or forceful.

You shook your head, eyes darting out the window once more. "I dont wanna talk about it"

"why no-"

"because it fucking kills me!" you cried out, covering your face, "it hasnt even been a day, im processing it, it doesnt feel real and I just..."

He looked at you, his own expression softening as he felt his stomach churn.

"I just wish it never happened" you choke out in a faint whisper

"I know baby, I know...." he mumbled, slowly bringing his arm to yours, pulling you into his lap. "me too, this is awful, I know it is, and I know I will never understand how you feel....but im hurting too. lets process this together? please?" his fingers laced through your hair as you softly cried, you could feel the exhaustion and emotion seeping through every ounce of your body. "I think we should just go home..."

"but you worked so hard to be here....we arent going..."

Taehyung sighed, "its not important. I...I called my mom and explained the situation, shes offering us a room at the house, she will cook for us and everything, allow you time to heal, and-"

You stopped crying, climbing off his lap and looking at him as if he slapped you in the face. "you called your mom? why? what?"

"I know, im sorry, I shouldve asked you if it was okay-"

"yeah you should have" you wiped your nose and stood up, huffing and tossing the pillow back onto the bed. "thats so....you dont need to go telling everyone. Not to mention she gave me shit when she found out I was pregnant, and now she wants to be all supportive? bull fucking shit"

He was taken back at your sudden outburst, he rose to his feet and turned to you "baby, hey, I know my parents arent the best but they are offering support right now, put all the fighting aside, she knows your hurting and is just trying to be nice"

"I dont care, I refuse to let her do that, especially given the fucking comments she through at me" you ran your hands through your hair. "I mean, shit, taehyung, my own mom didnt know I was pregnant yet and now I have to tell her I already miscarried?" you sighed "this is a lot on me! this is a lot mentally, and you cant just go telling people, im embarrassed"

"you shouldnt be"

"I am, I dont really want to be coddled or get sympathy calls and texts from people, I just want to be alone, and to be honest, I am really fucking mad at you right now"

He raised his brow, he was upset at your behavior but tried to understand the situation from your point of view. "okay..." he exhaled, "I get it, I know, and im sorry"

You threw your phone across the room, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.

Taehyung felt lost, his attempt of helping seemed to only make shit worse for the both of you. How was one person supposed to navigate or fix the said situation? you wanted help, but you refused it.

He didnt want to leave again, but he grabbed his coat and walked out once more, this time it was to sit on the fire escape stairs out near the balcony.

It felt like hours, he cried, watching cars drive around. It was selfish, but he wished he was one of those people.

he wished he was away, he wished you and him were doing what you had originally planned for the day instead of this.

His heart was in his throat as it suddenly hit him, the loss of the child he had learned to grow so fond of. Taehyung had not known them for very long, but oh, he fell in love at the first heartbeat, the first sonogram that still sat in his wallet at this very moment.

He was in love the moment he walked into his bedroom and saw it as a nursery for the first time, eager to push everything out just so he can decorate it 7 months early.

The moment he saw your bump beginning to form, snapping photos left and right. The moments of holding your hair back so you didnt get vomit in it during your morning sickness days. The moments of him talking to your stomach late at night when you pretended to be asleep and watch.

Taehyung would whisper his fears but righten them as promises of love and nothing less. the role of a father.

It seemed so scary at first, but as he settled into it, the idea became somewhat comforting, at least knowing he wasnt alone.

But now what?

Where do you even start to pick up the pieces of loss of a life you never even got to taste?

Everything that was finally looking up was ripped away in a matter of moments. He was angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at the innocent people walking around below...but he wasnt angry at you, no matter how much you deflect his compassion.

He tossed his cigarette and began to look up at the stars, trying to mentally keep track of the number of them. It was something to distract his brain, it was something to do other than feel pathetic.

The slider door to the balcony slowly opened, presenting you tightly wrapped in a robe as your hair was now thrown into a pony tail.

Taehyung waved his hand, too afraid to speak up.

"I just got off the phone"

He nodded, looking over.

"with my mom" you exhale

"oh?" Taehyung sat up quickly as you walked over, sitting beside him.

"yeah" you whisper, of course you had been crying, there was no way to hide it. "I told her everything, mine as well not wait"

He nodded, unsure of how to react

Its quite for a moment, the overwhelming tension between you both choking you as the night sky blanketed the city, the air thick with love and grief.

"are you okay?" he whispered

"yes...or, will be anyways" you sniff, taking a deep breath and allowing your lungs to receive a moment of calmness for the first time today. "are you?"

He shrugged, looking at you. "mad..." he murmured, watching his heel continue to dig into the cigar that was already on the ground.

"mad?" you whisper

"yeah, mad."

"why?"

"because..." it was his turn to cry, his fists bunching up his white shirt. "I left you, I fucking left you while it happened."

You frown, watching his eyes look anywhere but your own. "My love...whether you were in the room or not, it still wouldve happened"

"At least you wouldnt have been alone..." he choked, "I keep getting images of how scary it mustve been, and how you kept calling me and I was just...not there"

You wiped your eyes, scooting closer to him.

"so fucking dumb, im so stupid. I hate everyone and im mad. Im angry, its not fair" he mumbled

You were unsure of what to say to him, opting to pull him into your arms as you embraced eachother.

"where were you anyways...?"

He sniffed, whispering lowly "I went to get you flowers, and breakfast" his cheeks were slightly red. "just my luck, I do something nice and the world spits in my face"

You couldnt help the small smile that found its way onto your lips, "well thats very sweet...."

"doesnt matter. it was dumb and I shouldnt have left you"

"you cant blame yourself for this" you look at him, turning his head so he sees you. "we need to stop blaming ourselves. This is going to take a while to recover from, and we gotta realize that now more than ever." you whisper, pressing your forehead to his.

He nodded, lifting slightly to kiss you delicately.

Taehyung held both of your hands as he rested his head on your shoulder.

"Im going home"

He sniffed, "you are? I think thats good, we dont have to stay at my moms house, I understand how awkward that might be for you, and it was my wrong doing to just go and talk behind your back. We can just go back to the apartment okay?"

You shake your head slowly, "no, Tae, home...Gwangju." you spoke into his ear gently, your hand running circles on his back. "I need to see my mom, I need time to recover, and to be honest, I need to recover from a lot more than just this one thing...."

He sat away, looking at you. "Gwangju?"

"yeah. Ive been thinking about going back for a while, remember? my mom isnt getting any younger and she still has troubles with her back. She wasnt doing too well when we visited. I need to be with my mom to help her, and so she can help me with everything Ive been dealing with, which....is a lot." you exhale, trying to offer a small laugh to lighten the mood. "she misses me too, all the time"

His face was contorted, mind racing. "well...okay..." he nodded slowly, "thats fine...when do we leave?"

You bit your bottom lip and looked at him, "not we, just me tae..."

Taehyung frowned, "what do you mean? you....are leaving without me?" his voice was thick with emotion as the realness of the sudden situation sunk in.

"yeah...not for long, I promise, I just need time-"

"what are you talking about?" he chokes out, standing up and looking down at you. "I offered to take you back home so we can recover and rest, I offered you anything I could, and you refused, now suddenly you are hot and eager to hop on a plane to Gwangju to....get away from me?"

"its not like that"

"then please explain what it is like because it seems as if life isnt the problem, its me"

You roll your eyes slightly, "stop jumping to conclusions, you know first hand how bad the past months have been, between kaito, the pregnancy, school, work and the drama with you and I. I lost all my friends, I switched to online classes just for the situation, I have to manage everything, all of my shit including yours"

"What do you mean?"

"its just a lot, tae, I am only one person. I love you, I really do, and I wish you would calm down so I can explain."

He sits, face in his hands.

"Listen" you begin "everything is just a lot right now, this...loss..." you whisper "it was the sole decider for me to make the move to go back home for a while. I need to fix some shit, because im not the best person, and I need to be away from people"

"you sound so crazy"

You scoff, looking at him, "crazy?"

"yeah, crazy. so what? we break up? you know, couples dont just leave or abandon eachother when something bad happens, you turn to them when you need support, just as we done with everything else so far." he tries to plead with you, hands trembling a bit. "I know its a lot for you, I know your body is tired physically and mentally, and I can only imagine how the past 24 hours have been, but....you do realize that I am hurting as well? this doesnt just involve you, it was my baby too?"

You sink into your seat, sighing as you shake your head, "obviously I know that"

"then why are you acting like its only your problem?" he winced, "we....we are missing out on so many experiences. we will never get to hold or see that baby ever, you think that doesnt rip my fucking heart out y/n??" his voice wavered, now slightly louder as he tried to get you to see his side. "this is so selfish, you are being so selfish"

You felt tears seep into your eyes, quickly getting up so he doest see your reaction as you open the slider, feet guiding you back into the cold hotel room.

"yeah run away" he scoffs, tears streaming down his face as he attempts to follow you, tossing his jacket to the floor in rage.

"where will I be? where do I go?" he yelled, watching you silently search the closet as you rip clothes out, tossing them to the bed.

When you dont respond, he grows more upset and desperate. "so fuck me then? right? because my feelings on this dont matter?" he cried, standing at the door and watching you. "please tell me what ive done, what ive said, to make you feel like you cant talk or confide in me? why is there no comfort between us? what the fuck happened?"

Tears freely fell as you aggressively threw your suitcase together, you heard his words sink into your blood, your own emotions tugging at your heart as you tried to convince yourself you were capable of making your own choices. "its not a break up, its just some time away from everything, I will come back" you spoke, teeth gritted.

"you are being so selfish y/n" he shook his head in disbelief, "why am I not enough to help? why cant we both go to your moms?"

"because im tired!!" you yell, throwing the shoes in your hands.

He laughed, eyes scanning over you "you are tired? from what? ....oh I get it, me giving you every limb I have, spending my time and money on you must be so exhausting. Im just the fucking worst huh? Jesus, y/n, you are acting like I fucking punched you" he spit

You glared at him, pinching your thigh as he referred to Kaito "Im tired of drama following me everywhere I go. I never fucking asked you to give me anything, ever, at all." you whisper, eyes sinking into his. "How dare you say that to me....." you grew angry at your voice wavering "this was a mistake"

His eyes widened, "a mistake..?"

"yeah..." you scoff "a mistake, clearly the biggest one ive made" you were quick to wipe your eyes. "we should have stayed just friends, you feeling forced to provide and love me just because of the baby is pathetic. You dont have to worry about it anymore anyways, asshole" you spit, turning around.

He felt like he had gotten stabbed in the chest, his breath leaving his lungs as you sat there and accused him of not only not loving you, but the child. "y/n, you know nothing...you have no idea what you are saying"

"oh but I do"

"you are angry, and thats why you said that, I really hope thats the case...because what you just accused me of...." his voice was tight and shallow. "how can you say I only stayed because of the baby....who, by the way, I was willing to give up everything for"

"you felt compelled to, you dont have to lie anymore"

His tears continued to fall, he was shocked at your words. "y/n I love you and that baby more than anything....why are you saying this?"

He regretted yelling, and perhaps he said words that dug deeper than he meant them too, however what you threw back at him was worse than any conversation prior.

"Yeah well I dont even know if the baby was yours or Kaitos so It literally doesnt matter" you threw clothes into your bag "its gone anyways" you sobbed, "so just go on and do whatever the fuck you were doing before I pulled you down with me, okay?"

Taehyung gasped softly, eyes widening as he watched you.

You knew it was wrong, you regretted saying it as soon as it left your mouth, but you couldn't go back on it, not anymore.

"you....you dont?"

You didnt reply, instead, picking the pace up as you gathered your things.

"baby....baby talk to me this isnt funny anymore" he ran over to you, desperately seeking your attention. "look....i...I dont care if it was mine or not, I wouldnt have treated them any differently, baby please listen to me, its okay"

"taehyung I have to go" you whispered

"no..please my love, why are you....what did I do? im sorry...im sorry" he grasped your hand and fell onto his knee

"stop" you choked out, looking at him with tears in your eyes. "listen...Its not forever, just give me some space....please"

"why...this is so...." he whispered, crying as he looked up at you, "please think this through. let me come with you-"

"taehyung....look at me, Im not breaking up with you, I just need space, and if you wont let me do that..." you shrug, "then what are we doing here?"

He looks down at his hands

"thank you, okay? thank you for giving me all of this, and Im sorry it didnt work out, but we need to have time away so we can come back stronger, okay?" you choked out before going back to what you were doing.

Taehyung at some point in the conversation gave up at trying to convince you to stay, he realized his words were no longer effective, and you were gonna walk away from him no matter what he said.

He felt your grip loosen, specifically within the past few weeks. You were slowly slipping away and he knew it, but he didnt want to think it was anything you two couldnt fix, he needed you just as much as you needed him.

He knew he would wait, and if you left and needed space, then he would let you do so.

"fine..." he whispered, feeling one hundred percent defeated as his eyes watched you gather your things. "w-when....are you leaving?"

you sniffed, "tomorrow morning"

"i'll go with you to the airport" he said quickly, making your grasp on your bag tighten.

"okay" you mumbled.

Its not that you didnt love Kim Taehyung, its that you loved him too much to be wrapped in this drama with him all the time. Things will be well for a while then something happens, something always happens, and its not fair.

to either of you.

You regretted saying the baby thing the moment it came out of your mouth, but you were always bad at dealing with emotions. After some time alone with your mom you would need to do some major damage control.

You only wanted 2 weeks alone, its not like you were leaving for 2 years, why was he being so stubborn about this?

It was a fairly quite car trip at 6am the next morning to the airport.

The grey clouds that toppled over you set the tone of the day for taehyung as he parked among the cars in the lot. The last time you two were at this airport was when you arrived here, hopes high for not only the trip, but a positive change in eachothers future.

one that never came.

he walked you inside all the way to your gate, watching as crowds of people gathered nearby.

"well...." he whispered, watching the way his feet scuffed the floor beneath him.

"well..." you repeated, turning to look at him. "its only a few weeks"

Taehyung nodded, repeating the extent in his brain like it would reassure him.

"we will come out of this as better people" you mumbled, reaching up to hug his tightly, hands finding the familiar pattern of running down his back, squeezing him.

"I hope" he exhaled, hugging you just as tight.

Once you pulled away, your faces close together, you looked into his eyes and took every ounce within you to avoid tearing up. Before bed last night, you both discussed the properties of this situation, and what exactly it would entail. You apologized for your words, as did he, and now here you both were at the end of the terminal waiting for your plane to be called so you can head back to korea without him.

"about the baby...." you whispered, looking at him

"I know...you dont have to apologize again. y/n, I dont care who's it was, I honestly dont. nothing would have led me away from you" he reassured, "I just want to make sure you will be okay on the flight"

You nod slowly, "i will be fine, moms picking me up when I land so..."

"good, thats good"

"yup, and i'll text you when im at home okay?" you spoke

"got it"

"you'll wait for me?"

"i'll wait for you" he whispered, kissing your forehead.

"even if im the most awful person?"

Tae laughed softly "you arent, but even if you were, yes"

You nod sadly, finally allowing the tears to spill as he immediately hugged you close to his chest again. its not a goodbye, its a "see you later", right?

"dont cry...this is what you wanted"

You pull back, wiping your eyes "yeah...yeah"

The speaker above your heads announced boarding for your plane. Grabbing the tickets from your bag, you looked at taehyung once more and smiled weakly, "i'll see you, okay?"

He smiled, nodding "i'll be there when you need me" please need me

You waved, quickly turning so he wouldn't see you crying again as you made your way down the tunnel, your body now hidden behind the herd of other passengers.

"love you" he whispered to himself, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he realized his current state, alone.

He hasnt been alone in months, and it provided a certain uncomfy feeling that ran through his body, almost disturbing. He knew he would be returning to the hotel and packing so he could visit his own mother and father back in Busan. Explaining that situation to them will be its own event.

How could something so sweet and beautiful always find its way to trash? to devastation? it was what you two thrived on, and perhaps time apart was needed after all.

He would wait for you

He would wait for your laugh, your eyes, the way you whispered, the way you nagged him over being messy, or how you fussed when he forgot to eat again.

But....how long exactly would he do so?

taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee

[kusundei]

this dumb fucking bitch . no bcuz what the fuck? whats the fucking point then??? i knew when i got back but holy fucking shit is it so annoying when i am constantly treated like im dumb and have no plans and cant do anything with my fucking life. over and over again its always im fucking useless im an idiot i dont plan ahead i dont think. i dont ever fucking think before i do things because i “think too highly of myself and my skills” no??? you just act like im a fucking idiot???? im sorry i odnt reach your high standards of what you want from me but its not like i cant do wnything at all??? youre more stubborn than me if it truly is such a fucking problem then drop it and stop arguing with me. hell i fucking argued with her and i never do that but im so fucking sick and tired of this shit. alwyas always always and then its “just leave then” okay bitch??? then ill fucking go??????????? but no i cant fucking go anywhere at all. she wouldnt let me. its just bullshit and she walks away because shes “going to get too upset” and then acts like its all my fucking fault and im the one still arguing with her no the fuck im not???? id let it go if you leave me alone and YOU let it the fuck go. if i dont go to edmonds then fine. its fine. doesnt fucking change shit it just solidifies the fact im likely to not go to college and if i do then why the fuck is that up to you?? if i go to college im not asking you to pay for shit. id rather go into thousands of dollars into student debt then ask you for a penny. irs easier this way anyway because then i spend all my time at cascade and i can do everything possible to spend all my time w him. i dont need to be ahead. i just feel bad for sav cuz she’ll be there alone but she’ll live. i’ll live.

its hust so fucking frustrating. and the going back and forth over and over again i literally already caved? said i cant change that and i cant just apply at everett now because its closed. if you dont want me driving all the way to edmonds because im “not ready” then so fucking be it. its always “you dont have enlugh practice” is anyone fucking practicing with me??? is anyone LETTING ME practice??? and its always the small things. “yoy didnt check left” why did i need to i was turning right??? im not going into tje fucking left lane???? its a PARKING LOT I CAN FUCKING SEE????? THE YMCA HAS GOOD VISIBILITY? “You keep driving with one hand on the wheel” okay. im going straight. my car is extremely easy to maneuver i dont need both hands. i will use both hands if im locking in but im going 25mph . but no its fucking fine whatever??? fucking whatever. she’ll provably come back in here and yell at me again because i know her she doesnt let thagxshit go and she’ll keep bringing it up even though i literally fucking said no i wont go to edmonds then. i guess its my fuxking fault i listened to my counselor . “you didnt tell me” yes i did????? this dumb fuck i cant do this shit its so fucking annpying. i dont lkke being likr oh i fucking hate my mom but sometimes i truly do. because you r so immature and so stubborn and i dont caretjat yoyre pregnant and whatever . bipolar disorder who cares i never even acknowledge it ever because im not condemning you to that but god youre so annoying. make up your fucking mind ??? its not eben your problem its mine literally fuck off.

im just so annoyed because i literally said no i wont go. but now shes upset im losing college credits and time . okay??? and??? and jonathan is sooo upset. complaining about me to him like i can hear you guys and jts so fuckign annoying. i jdut wont go i cant change that??? icant change? that??? okay??? imsorry??? holy shit im so upset why cant i flee. icant even go anywhere. this dumb fuck holy shit im fucking condemned i hate all of you. i hate. you all. if they do the shit theyre fucking threatening right now im being so serious ill fucking leave. i will ill go im sick of this its been 2 days and ive tried to be soooo kind and not do anythint but fuck this im tired of it already

[leo-dooley-lab-rats]

I Never Meant For You To Leave (Lab Rats One-Shot)

Because I was trying to protect my friends. And I'm still gonna protect my friends. That's right. You wanna send them away, you have to go through me first.

“You doing okay,” a voice asks. Chase looks up and sees Leo standing next to him.

“Oh yeah, I’m great, Leo. My best friend Sebastian turned out to be evil which makes both of my best friends turning out to be evil. So, why wouldn’t I be okay?!”

“Okay, I’m seeing it was a bad question, but I was checking up on you.” Leo sits down next to Chase.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Not all of your best friends have turned out to be evil, you know.”

“Both Marcus and Sebastian are both evil.”

“I’m going to pretend to not be offended by that remark because your hurting. I was talking about me, Chase. I’m not evil and we are best friends.”

“But your my brother. I’m not sure that counts.”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“I don’t know, because your family.”

“What does that have to do with anything? In case you forgot, before we were brothers we were just friends.”

I'm the one who showed you the real world, Chase. I taught you what it means to be a brother.

“No. What I meant to say is that, Leo, you’ve always been more than just a friend… you’re different than other friends… you were my first friend… and Adam and Bree’s first friend too. Before you, we didn’t really have anyone besides Davenport and Eddie… it was pretty lonely before you showed up.”

Come on, Chase. I know my brother's in there. Where is he, Chase? Where is my brother?

“Your special to me too, you know. I never really had many friends or any before I met you guys. Mom was always working and I never met my real dad. I guess what I’m saying is that I was pretty lonely too before I met you guys.”

***

Maybe quitting your team wasn't enough. Maybe I need to quit being your brother, too.

Leo left the academy. That isn’t right. Leo doesn’t leave. He stays… always. It’s too quiet without Leo. Chase missed Leo. Well, everyone misses Leo.

“Was I too hard him? Yeah… probably was…” Chase ponders. “If I believed in him… If I didn’t doubt him… would he still be here?”

“Missing the kid,” Douglas asks.

Douglas sat down next to Chase. Chase is sitting alone the training room.

“Yeah… it’s my fault he left,” Chase starts, “I should have more faith in Leo.”

Leo, you're not ready to be a mentor, so stop complaining and start getting to know your fellow students

Douglas wouldn’t go so far as to blame Chase alone. Douglas has kept an eye on the kid for long time and grown to be very fond of him. Douglas has noted a shift on the kid’s behavior since coming to the island. Douglas put it down to the kid not being a mentor like the rest of the family. Douglas saw the matter deeper as just Leo’s ego and saw the matter as Leo wanting to just be his family’s equal. Douglas knew the feeling.

Douglas had foreseen Leo pint-up feelings that were bound to show up sooner or later coming for a long time now. Unfortunately, that Taylor kid got hurt in the process. It’s never a good thing to hold things in.

I got so frustrated, I punched the wall.

I can't believe you, Leo. Not only did you damage my brand-new academy, but you lied to me and betrayed my trust.

Douglas didn’t know who the blame when it came to Leo leaving. Maybe Donnie? Or Adam, Bree, and Chase for sidelining him? Douglas didn’t know. He wished now he had voiced his concerns for the kid to Donnie. Better yet, he should have told Tasha. That woman was force to feared when it came to her kids, especially Leo.

I'm very disappointed in you, Leo. But you took responsibility and you didn't leave Spin on the hook. You've learned a very valuable lesson today. As a student.

“Chase, its not your fault… not fully anyways.”

“What do you mean, Douglas?”

“You never noticed how upset the kid was these past couple months?”

“No… I should have.”

Douglas wondered if anyone here noticed how Leo was feeling. Douglas hasn’t even known the kid as long as the rest of them and he noticed. Did anyone pay attention to the kid on this island?

“Look, Chase, I’m not good that these kinda of talks… I do know this Leo hasn’t been the happiest since he’s been here. Leo never told me exactly why, but I know he wouldn’t want you sitting around here blaming yourself.”

“I’m his brother, Douglas! Leo should have told me. Why did he come to you and not me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he did tell you and you didn’t listen. I don’t know. Now calm down. Getting all worked up isn’t going to help anything.”

Don't worry, Big D. We got this. Now, what exactly will I be teaching?

Nothing. You're a student.

A what? But you gave me a mission suit. You said I was part of the team!

Did Leo tell him that he was unhappy and he didn’t listen? How could he have missed that? How? Chase remembered that Leo was disappointed at not being a mentor at the Academy. Was that the reason Leo was unhappy? Chase thought Leo worked through that. Sure, Leo threw a minor temper fit after finding out he was student, but Leo seemed to okay with being student after that. Chase had noticed how hard Leo was training and was proud of him. Plus, it’s not like Adam, Bree, or Chase treated him differently because he was a student and he still got to go on missions. What was the problem?

Chase has had always thought Leo would happy not matter where he was and what he was doing as long as their family is together. Chase was wrong. “I guess I was wrong…” Chase thought. “I’m the smart one. I’m suppose to know what to do.”

“I’m his brother. I should have known.”

“Being brothers doesn’t mean know knowing everything about each other. Take Donnie and me, for example, he doesn’t know I’m banned from Vegas three time over for card counting. Don’t tell him. It’s best he doesn’t find out now.”

“How do you get banned from Vegas three times?”

“It’s better you don’t know.”

You should've stopped when I told you to. This just proves you're not ready to lead your own team.

I am more than ready. And maybe I wouldn't feel like I need to prove that to you guys if you weren't always looking down on me.

Chase thinks overs all the things he said to Leo the days leading up Leo departure. Was the award ceremony the start of all this or was this deeper? Did Leo really believe that his family looked down on him? And did his family look down on him?

Chase realizes that there was a lot of truth in what Leo was saying. They did look at Leo as just their little brother yet they still let Leo jump in the line of fire for them over and over again. Chase thinks back to all missions where Leo saved his life or Adam or Bree. Other times, Leo saved all of them at once.

Leo just saved our lives. That was supposed to be us.

He didn't need bionics to be a hero.

Did Chase and everyone else just take Leo being there for granted? Leo had always just been there since he stumbled into his life. Now he left. That wasn’t right. Chase began to wonder for the first time ever if Leo had a life before meeting Adam, Bree, or himself. Chase was starting to realize just how little he knew about Leo, his own brother.

Leo, we don't look down on you.

Yeah, we have total respect for all of your shortcomings.

When are you guys gonna stop treating me like I'm an idiot?!

Maybe when you stop acting like one.

“Did I really call Leo an idiot? I mean if anyone in the family is an idiot then it’s Adam,” Chase wonders. “How could have not seen how unhappy Leo was? Am I am bad brother for not realizing it?”

Chase looks over at Douglas who was still sitting next to him. He begins to wonder just how close his biological father was to his brother. The brother who he wasn’t related to by blood rather related to by friendship, love, and bond. How could he been so blind to Leo’s pain and troubles?

“Hey Douglas, did Leo ever tell you how he was feeling?”

“Once or twice, yeah… but Chase— Leo isn’t one to make his needs known. Don’t feel too bad about it.”

“I still do…”

“I know. I know… If it helps, I feel bad about it too.”

***

I'll tell you what's up with me. I am tired of everyone treating me like some kind of non-existent bionic hero.

“I would ask how you are doing, but I can tell by all your faces that your not okay,” Donald Davenport says to bionic trio.

Adam, Bree, and Chase are in their private mentor quarters. Adam stood over Chase and Bree. Chase and Bree were sitting on the couch. Chase had his arm around Bree. It’s only a day or two after Leo left. This was a strange new Leo-less world was not okay in any one of the Davenports’ mind.

I'm going back to Mission Creek. I don't belong here anymore. I'm quitting the academy.

“Why would we be okay?! Leo left,” Adam practically shouts.

“Take it easy, Adam. I’m sure Leo will be back before we know it,” Bree says trying to comfort her brother.

No one wanted to believe Leo would stay away forever. This was Leo. Leo didn’t just leave. Somehow… everyone in their little family knew this was different. That maybe… Leo wasn’t coming back.

No. Chase was right. I'm not cut out to be a leader.

I never meant for you to leave.

Chase meant that. He never meant for Leo to leave. He never wanted to Leo to leave. He wonder, not for the first time, if drove his brother away. Douglas seemed to think that he didn’t, but Chase wasn’t sure. Leo seemed so heartbroken when he last saw him.

Part of being a leader is making mistakes. You learn from them, and you move on. I mean, look at Chase. Think of all the mistakes he's made as mission leader.

“I don’t know guys… Leo seemed pretty upset. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this upset before,” Chase states.

“Yeah…” Bree adds. “That didn’t mean he had to up and leave.”

“Yeah! We could have helped him through this like we should have been doing this whole time,” Adam almost shouts.

But his never hurt anyone. Taylor has to live with my mistake for the rest of her life.

So you're just gonna give up and leave? What about our team?

Logan, you deserve a better team. Or at least a better leader. I'm not gonna put you or anyone else here in danger ever again. Here. Give it to someone more deserving.

Leo, I'm not gonna let you--

Yes, you are, because it's not your choice. It's mine. Bye, guys. Sorry I let you down.

“I hate to say it, but Chase is right. Leo might not come back,” Davenport adds.

“He has to come back,” Adam mutters, “he has to…”

Not too long after that was said, Davenport had to leave and deal with stuff on the island. He had given the kids the rest of the day off to just deal with this. He understood how much they missed their brother, because Donald Davenport misses Leo too.

After their father had left, the bionic trio sits in silence until…

“We should have listened to him,” Bree says.

“Yeah…” Chase absently agrees. “If only we had treated him better… Do you think we drove him to all of it?”

“Yeah, I do. We never really respected Leo…” Adam, in one of his rare moments of wisdom, says.

I told you Marcus was evil. "Leo, he's a nice guy", "Leo, give the guy a break". Wool, eyes, pulled over.

Look, Leo. We're sorry we didn't believe you.

“I hate to say it Adam,” Chase starts. “But you’re right. We never did respected him. And we took for granted the best friend we’ve ever had. Now he’s gone.”

Sometimes, you say something very personal before thinking and don’t even realize you’ve actually said it. Chase just did that and luckily for him Adam and Bree didn’t notice either.

I wanted to tell you, but he threatened to report your secret to the authorities.

That makes sense. He was just looking out for us.

“Leo’s not dead. He just left the island…” Adam says, trying to lighten the mood. “But I know what you mean. It’s not right without him here.”

“No, it’s not,” Bree agrees.

Leo, what is he doing here?

It's okay. I brought him. He's the only one who can help you.

I don't know about this.

We don't have a choice. Do you wanna be bionic or not?

Bree thinks back to the time Leo brought Douglas to help her get her chip back. Leo was the only who thought to even ask Douglas. Leo didn’t even seem to care about consequences of doing so. Bree never thought much of what Leo did that day until now. She wished she had now.

He tried to warn us about Marcus and we ignored him.

How often did the Davenports ignore Leo when he tried to tell him something? He tried to warn them about Marcus and they didn’t listen. His family didn’t listen back then. How little has changed in past few years?

“Guys,” Adam break the silence, “do you think that Leo would come back if we said we were sorry?”

Was Leo leaving a chain of events or just one of Leo temper fits? As much as everyone wanted to believe that it was the latter, it was really former. If it was just one of Leo’s fits, then he would come back after apology.

“Adam, this feels deeper than something an ‘I’m sorry’ can fix,” Chase says.

“Then what do we do?!”

“I don’t know, Adam, I don’t know. I wish I did.”

You can break up the team but you are not breaking up my family.

Chase remembered when the team broke up and the three of them stop speaking. Leo became a bit of peacemaker between them. None of them even had to ask Leo to do this he just did it. Chase never thought about it much until now. Now that Chase thinks about it, Leo tended to that. He stood by them without needing to be asked or did things for them without being asked. He ran into the line of fire to save them all the way back to that party he threw for them or jumping to save them at the garage dump.

What did Adam, Bree, and Chase give in return to all of Leo’s kindness and friendship/brotherhood? Nothing is the answer Chase came up with. Chase realized Leo never asked for anything when he help them. He just did it. Chase wasn’t sure he understood completely why someone would do half the stuff Leo has done without gaining anything.

I remember your first days out of the lab. So young, so naïve. You needed a strong hand to guide you.

Yeah. But all we got was you.

Leo was the first real friend that any of the Davenport kids ever had, and only now did they start to realize just how good a friend is. Leo became more than a friend. He was their brother after all. There are very few friends or even brothers who give up their spare time to do half of what Leo has done.

Chase never really thought about how unique of a friend Leo is. Marcus and Sebastian made Chase feel bad and rethink his friendship with them, but never rethink the other people in his life. Now that Leo has left, Chase started to think why would Leo leave. It wasn’t like him to leave. Chase never expected Leo to leave… no one did.

You're the best surprise brother we've ever had. No offense, Leo.

Yeah, we still like you. You're just old news.

“Is that how we repaid Leo with? Calling him old news? I really am the worse brother in the world…” Chase thinks.

Chase wonders if maybe he was better brother and better friend then maybe he would still be here. Maybe if he believed in Leo more or trusted him more. Why did he have to drive Leo away?

***

Adam, Bree, and Chase have tried multiple times to try and get Leo to come back. He keeps saying no. Leo is just so stubborn sometimes. Adam has also started carrying around cardboard version of Leo. “Like that is good replacement for our brother… I wish… oh never mind,” Chase thinks.

Adam, get rid of that thing.

No! When real Leo watches from home, I want him to feel like he's still an important part of our team.

Have you lost your mind? This is not our brother, it's a piece of cardboard.

To make matters worse, Adam wants to bring that cardboard out of Leo off the island and into the real world. Chase wished that Adam would just get rid of that thing. Chase missed Leo too, but cardboard Leo is not a solution. Chase just wanted to have the real Leo back. Well, everyone wanted the real Leo back.

***

The past few weeks have been difficult and hard being away from Adam, Bree, and Chase. This is the longest they’ve been apart since they met. Leo knows he made the decision to leave and he stands by that decision, but that doesn’t mean living with that decision any easier.

When Taylor had called, Leo was glad to hear from her. He is still carrying guilt for what happened. He had hoped to hear how she was doing not that his family was in trouble.

I know you quit the team, but your family needs you.

If there is one thing to know about Leo it’s that if his family needs him then that’s exactly where he’s going to be no matter what it takes. Even though, he doesn’t feel worthy of being on the team right now, but that doesn’t matter. His family is trouble and needs him.

***

Leo, you have to let go or it's gonna take you with it.

I’m not letting go.

Chase wonders for a brief moment if the reason he wants Leo to let him fall was out of guilt for everything. Chase knows that stupid reason and he might need to talk to professorial if that really is his way of thinking. If he actually makes it out this.

When Leo finally reaches out and pulls Chase out of the limo, Chase feels like he finally sees Leo properly for the first time. In that moment, when Leo saves him, he doesn’t see his little brother, he sees a hero. Before, when Leo did something heroic Chase always saw his little brother acting as hero, but never as a hero. Chase wonders why out of all the times Leo has save him and their family is this the time he sees Leo differently?

Leo, you did it. You saved my life. Sorry I ever doubted you.

I'm just glad you're okay.

Leo meant what he said. He is just glad Chase is okay, not approve or anything else. That’s really matters right now, at least for now. Leo looks over at his brother. It’s the first time they’ve seen each other in person since he left the island and he almost had to watch him die.

Chase looks at Leo. He wants to tell Leo more than ‘I’m sorry I ever doubted you’. He wants tell him how much he regrets not being a better brother and friend to him and how he will be one now. He wants to tell Leo that things will be different now. He will respect him and will listen to him like he should have.

There is so many things that both Leo and Chase want to say. So many regrets and apologies that need to be said, but not now. For this moment, these two brothers hug. Its quick, but it means the world and is a silence message of ‘it’s all okay now’.

***

Not only is Leo back at the island, but because of his bravery and leadership on the bridge mission, I have officially made him a mentor.

Couldn't be prouder of you, buddy

After party/ceremony of Leo’s grand return, Leo found himself sitting alone in a random room of the island. Strange how much can change in so little time.

“Hey Leo,” Leo recognizes the voice as Chase’s. “Do you mind if I join you?” Leo shrugs and Chase sits down next him. “I know we haven’t had a chance to talk since you got back, but there are some things I want to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not okay. That’s the point.”

“What’s this about?”

“Leo, when you left the island, I did some thinking… and I realized that I should have been a better brother and a better friend. I am so sorry.”

“It’s okay. Chase, I let my need to try and prove myself get the better of me… and I got Taylor hurt. We both made mistakes. It’s over now.”

“I was still a terrible brother. I should have realized how much you hated being just a student and none of us taking you seriously.”

Leo is a little surprised to hear those words out of Chase. He didn’t think that Chase would even remember how much that bothered him. “I should have been better at telling what was going on sooner, but that’s all the past now. Forgive and forget?”

“You’re not mad?”

“No. Being honest, when I first got the island I was mad and I guess I didn’t stopped being mad until after I left this place. I was mad at you guys, Big D, this place— Well, you get it. I don’t think I ever truly stopped being mad I never really dealt with it and just let it fester until you know… I didn’t even realize how mad until the ceremony came up. The point I am making is that I am done being mad. I’m sick of it.”

“I am still sorry for everything.”

“I know and I forgive you. I should told you guys what was going on.”

“And we should have been willing to listen.”

“Looks, we could past the blame all day, so lets just forgive each other for everything and promise to do better?”

“Sounds good… so we really are good?”

“Chase, for crying out loud, you are my brother! That means I love you no matter what you do, so get used to it. Meaning we are good! You are forgiven!”

Chase and Leo laugh, then hug. Things have difficult these past couple weeks for this pair of brothers, but now it’s things are starting to look up. Leo is now a mentor and his three bionic siblings have newfound appreciation and respect for their brother, Leo. Every now and then, through life’s worst tragedies brings about some of the greatest the changes.

Author’s Note: This is first fanfic I’ve ever written diving into Chase mind. This fic started out as a short conversation with Leo and Chase after the rebellion, but I sort of got carried away when I thought what if On The Edge happened and we see them fall out and come back together. I have also long since had a document with Quotes from the show for photos edits and other stuff, so I just pulled from that to add the quotes in. I thought the quotes would be a fun way to further tie in Leo and Chase’s friendship throughout the show along with their falling out in On The Edge. The quotes are best view as the characters reflecting back on their own memories as that was my intention when I was writing. Yes, I did put references to Daniel’s episode due to Leo still being a student in that episode. I had also planned on dealing more with Leo, but didn’t as the fic was already so long. I know I also dealt with On the Edge another One-Shot not too long ago, but I just felt like making this. As y’all can tell On The Edge is a special I’m sort of obsessed with as I see as the big hooray of Leo and finishing of character arch. I honestly wish that was final of the show. Anyways, I hope y’all enjoy my LONG fanfic.

[citadelofmythoughts]

SREN - Chapter One

I know I’ve already posted part of this but I wanted to share the entire first chapter here before uploading it to AO3.

Yang

“Sandy!!” I yelled for the fifth time. “If you’re late for the transport, you’re gonna have to wait until next semester!”

My search for our errant offspring led me to the kitchen where Blake was sitting at the table drinking tea and poring over some documents.

“Hey babe, have you seen Sandy? I’ve been calling her for twenty minutes.”

She looked up with that same heart-melting smile she always gave me. “She’s been out with Dad. He wanted to spend some time with his granddaughter before she left. She’s already said her goodbyes to Mom and Auntie Ilia.”

I looked at the clock on the wall. “Well, her transport leaves in an hour with or without her.”

I felt my wife gently grasp my hand. “Relax, Yang. They’ll be back in plenty of time. Are you sure you’re okay? It’s not like you to be so frantic. I don’t remember you acting like this when Rose left.”

“Yeah…well this is different…”

Blake’s eyes crinkled with mirth. “Yang Xiao Long, are you upset that both of the girls are going to be gone? I never expected you to be the one fretting over the empty nest.”

I sighed as I sat down next to my wife while still holding on to her delicate hand. “I know that this is what they wanted and I want it for them but I was already missing Rose like crazy and now…”

“Now our little girls are on their way to becoming huntresses, just like their moms. Believe me, I get it. At least the world we’re sending them out into is less dangerous than when we went to Beacon.”

I smiled sadly. “I hope Sandy and Rose can manage to find some common ground while they’re there.”:

Blake patted my knee. “Not all sisters can be like you and Ruby and even then I remember you two having some differences of opinion.”

I laughed. “Yeah, but even our biggest blow-up was over in like two days. The girls haven’t spoken in months.”

“They’ll find their way. You and I both know that as much as they fight, they also love each other.”

Just then the kitchen door opened and in walked or rather ducked, my father-in-law, Ghira Belladonna. Still a powerfully-built man even in his seventies with just a little gray in his beard and hair and perched on top of his mighty shoulders was our seventeen year old daughter, Sandy Xiao-Long. 

“Uh oh.” our youngest muttered after seeing my expression.

Ghira raised an eyebrow. “Hm? Oh….I’m afraid it’s all my fault, Yang. I’m going to miss this little scamp so I suppose I kept her out too long.” he said as he lowered my daughter to the ground. 

“No Grandpa, it was my fault.” Sandy said solemnly. “I’m sorry Ma. I’m just gonna miss Menagerie so much that I kept stopping and slowed us both down.”

I grinned and shook my head. I never could stay annoyed with this girl. I walked over to her and ruffled her namesake sandy blonde hair which was out of its customary long ponytail.  “No harm, no foul but you’d better get your bags ready. We’ve gotta leave soon.”

She perked up once she saw she wasn’t the target of parental disapproval. “Right! I’ll go get ‘em right now!” and she bounded out of the kitchen at full speed.

“Slow down!” I yelled after her. “Won’t do for you to attend Beacon with a broken leg!”

“She’s a special one, Yang.” Ghira said with a chuckle. “Both of my granddaughters are but this one, well, it’s a good thing I’ve kept in shape over the years because she nearly ran me ragged this morning.”

“She’s gonna need that energy. The first few days at Beacon can be stressful as hell.”

Blake laughed. “I remember a certain bubbly blonde annoying me on that first night. I wondered where all that sunshine was coming from. I guess it’s genetic.”

I feigned shock. “Me? Annoying?”

“I got used to it, now I just think it’s endearing.”

“I’m all ready!” Sandy yelled from the front room. 

“Be right there, sweetheart!” I looked at Blake. “Dammit…I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.”

She smiled softly as she took my hands in hers. “I think it’s perfectly normal. I know I’m probably going to be a wreck once she’s on the transport. She’s our little girl, how can we not be sad that she’s leaving?”

“You two have raised two incredible young women.” Ghira said. “They’re going to make a difference. Count on it.”

“Yeah, I really couldn’t ask for better kids.” I said as I wiped the moisture out of my eyes. “Okay, let’s get it done.”

Sandy

I stood at the observation window watching my parents wave at me as they dwindled away in the distance. I knew it was as hard for them to let me go as it was for me to leave them. I surprised myself by not crying. I knew if I had it would have set both of them off. 

Still, they’ll have plenty to do without Rose and I underfoot. Ma was still a full-time huntress and Mom was helping Grandpa and Aunt Ilia with the day-to-day work with running FaCo, the Faunus-owned dust mining co-operative.

I chuckled softly to myself. Aunt Weiss really started something when she signed her shares of the old Schnee Dust Company over along with her siblings doing the same. I’d love to see her again but she was way off in Vacuo with her sister and brother. They’d done a lot of good there, getting the Atlas refugees from the Fall settled. 

I found my seat, put on some headphones and tried to relax. It was gonna be a long trip. Right now the transport was pretty empty but by the time it made all its stops on the way to Vale I figured it’d be a lot more crowded and noisy so I tried to enjoy the quiet while it lasted.

I must have dozed off because when I came to, there was an extremely cute redhead sitting in the seat next to me. I know I was distracted because of the whole school thing but I’m pretty sure I would have noticed her before.

“Hey, you’re awake!” came the cheerful voice. “I bet you’re going to Beacon, aren’t you?”

“Um…hi? Are you like this with all strangers?”

She paused to consider that. “Nope! You just seemed nice and figured we were going the same way.”

“You decided I was nice while I was asleep? Also, how do you know I’m going to Beacon?”

“I had a feeling about you. You had a very peaceful look on your face and judging by the bags and your age I figured Beacon was a good assumption.”

“For a second I thought it might have been your semblance, you know, like reading someone’s emotional state.”

Her deep blue eyes crinkled in amusement. “Well, that’d be an interesting semblance but not really useful for a huntress. Grimm don’t have emotional states. The fact is that I just pay attention. Which is something a lot of people don’t do.”

Her eyes went a little unfocused and she slapped her forehead. “Sorry, getting way ahead of myself. Hi, I’m Erica Heath!” and she offered her hand.

I couldn’t help but smile. The first of my future classmates was certainly a unique one. I accepted her handshake. “Sandy. Sandy Xiao-Long”

Her eyes widened in surprise and I flinched a little at her grip on my hand. “Xiao-Long? As in Yang Xiao-Long? As in Team RWBY?”

I managed to retrieve my hand and nodded. “Yeah, her and Blake Belladonna are my parents.”

“The team that saved Remnant.” she said with a note of awe in her voice. 

“I try not to advertise it. I want people to judge me for who I am, not who I’m related to.” I said, a little more grumpily than I intended.

“No worries here. I judged you WAY before that.” Erica said with a giggle. “I’ve got a good feeling about you, Sandy. So, what do you say?”

I was not nearly awake enough to keep up with this girl’s train of thought. “Er, about what?”

“Oh right. Sorry. Wanna be friends?”

I laughed. “Sure, why not? I definitely don’t think it’ll be dull.” Then I noticed her staring intently at my eyes. “Now what?”

She looked away blushing. “Sorry, I get carried away sometimes. I’ve just never met someone who had heterochromic eyes. They’re…beautiful.”

Our eyes were something that Rose and I had inherited from both our mothers, unlike our faunus ears. We both had one golden amber eye and one lilac one. “Well, if I get the chance to introduce you to my sister then you can say you’ve seen two. Hers are the reverse of mine though.”

“Your sister goes to Beacon too?”

“Yeah, she’s two years older than I am so next year will be her last one.”

“Still, that’s got to be fun! You get to see your sister all the time, even if she’s an upperclassman I bet…” and she dropped off as she looked at me with that same intensity again. “Oh.”

“Oh?” I queried.

“You two have problems, huh?”

“I…you know what? I’m not even gonna ask how you figured that out. Yeah, Rose and I have been on the outs for months, years if I’m being honest.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” and the gentle empathy in her voice was a marked change from her earlier upbeat inquisitiveness.

I shrugged. “I’m not sure what to say about it. We were close when we were younger but when we both started doing serious huntress training we grew more and more distant.”

 I sighed. “I remember Rose screaming at me that I wasn’t taking it seriously and just playing at being a huntress when I was able to keep up with her. But the thing is, I did take it seriously, I pushed myself because…she was just so good. I idolized her and I wanted us to be able to…I dunno, work together.”

“Anyway, I’m sorry, I’m not sure why I’m unloading all this on a stranger.”

I felt Erica’s hand on my shoulder. “I asked, didn’t I? And we’re not strangers, we’re friends, remember?” she said as she smiled kindly. “I don’t have an answer but sometimes it’s just good to talk about it. Maybe you two can reconcile when you’re actually at the same school.”

I nodded. “Maybe.” I looked at her and smiled back. “So, you think my eyes are beautiful huh?”

She blushed again and looked down at her feet. “I was, you know, just being observant.”

“Well, thank you.” I said sincerely. “Your eyes are really pretty too.”

She looked back up at me. “Really? I…”

And then the announcement came through that we were approaching our destination. 

Erica dragged me by the hand over to the observation window and pointed. “Look! It’s Beacon!”

I looked and saw the gleaming spires, green landscaping and the imposing height of Beacon Tower. Things that I’d only seen in videos or pictures that my parents had shown me.

“I’m finally here.” I said softly and felt Erica nudge me. “We’re here and it’s gonna be amazing!”

[fairycosmos]

hi baby i am losing my mind at home. and mybe im in the wrong. my mom got a new bf since maybe two months and the same day she told me about him, i met him, and that weekend he was there the whole time. and now, that was a month ago, he basically is here constantly. am i being a cunt for being annoyed by this? i love that shes happy, but her last husband was very toxic and made me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe so i am not at ease at all with a pretty much complete stranger in my house. i told her how i felt about it, and she blew up at me calling me egocentric and selfish and made me feel in general very very the odd one out, and like i was not allowed to feel that way. i asked her, after having a full blown panic attack in front of her, to try and keep in mind that when im at home (which is not much considering im in college and only here every few weeks for two days) to at least let me know if he’ll be here, and preferably just not. which she didnt, again, this weekend. i really dont know what to do. bc i really dont feel at home and like im wanted here and ignored and in general very anxious. the guy isnt bad or whatever, but its the same pattern from with her ex where her relationship became more important than me and this whole thing is so incredibly triggering. ig the answer is just a very simple ‘dont go home’ but i am so desperate for recognition and i just want to feel seen by her. i just dont know how to be fine with having a mom that doesnt want me. im really sorry this is so long. i hope youre doing okay <3

hi lovely - im sorry to hear this. it sounds so fucking frustrating and honestly i don't think your reaction is unreasonable at all! there is an appropriate way to introduce your kids to your boyfriend and this is definitely not it, especially if you've had a bad experience with her partners in the past. it is incredibly unfair and childish of her to blow up at you and to have him spend the whole weekend at your place the first weekend you guys met. like, no wonder you feel upset and overwhelmed by it all. it's not a great way to get to know each other, and her disregard for your feelings is awful.

it sounds like you've tried everything you can to set the right boundaries and to communicate clearly and respectfully what you're feeling with her, and of course if you want to you should keep trying to get through to her, but i think it's important to know when it's time to protect your own peace and focus on what is actually in your control. it's totally natural to crave feeling seen and recognised by her, like as much of a human need as eating or sleeping is, but if she's not able to give that you you don't need to internalise it as something that is your fault or something you deserve. it is entirely a reflection of her and her fucked up priorities if she refuses to listen and to amend her own behaviour. like it's obviously ok for her to date, and she doesn't need your permission, but she is not being respectful of your space at all, and that is the problem. i know accepting that is incredibly difficult, and it may take a long time to be able to say “hey, i deserve better than this and i will not beg for her validation, or for her to grow up and act like an adult about things,” but that really is the bottom line. if you still want to go home often, which is obviously completely understandable, maybe you could work on just setting your own boundaries within the house - staying in your room, only engaging with the dude/your mother to the extent that you feel comfortable with, even just straight up communicating to the guy that you're not really used to having him around and you're trying to take things at your own pace. if either of them get offended by that, honestly it's on them. they clearly haven't been considering your feelings so it's ok to just do what's right for yourself at this point. i'm really sorry you're in this position and i hope it gets better with time, that they begin to hear you out and give you room to breathe and process etc etc. i guess i just wanted to offer some genuine understanding, because you're not being ridiculous at all - i think your mam kind of is. also, if there's anyone you can talk to at school about this - like a mate or a college counsellor, i'd really recommend it. i know it might feel really weird and vulnerable to be open about it, but it's an issue you're dealing with and you deserve to feel supported. just processing it out loud and getting someone's outside perspective might be really cathartic and validating. i don't know, no pressure obviously - just smth to consider. sending a hug your way. x

[exvangelicalrage]

Hell Wasn’t The Problem

4/21/23

All this talk about hell reminds me of the Oprah meme. I made a christian version for you:

christians are obsessed with hell, though I'm pleased to say, my brother doesn't believe in it despite identifying as christian. So that's a good thing.

Anyway, 5-year-old me, I stated semi-incorrectly in my previous post, was afraid of hell. But actually, that wasn't it. What I was afraid of was separation from my mom.

That's a pretty lizard brain thing, I think. 

Here's how it worked: my mom was sick. She'd been sick my whole life. Almost died during childbirth, in fact (I almost died too!), as a result of her condition. 

Growing up, I always knew she could die at any moment. My parents were christian though, and so we believed that if she did die, it would suck, but it'd be fine. Why would it be fine, you ask? 

Obviously, because she was going to heaven. And all I had to do was make sure I got there eventually too, and we could live out eternity as one big happy family (assuming my dad and brothers also made it). 

Then I learned that "bad behavior" = sin and sin prevents you from getting into heaven. The only way to fix it was to either never fuck up, or to repent of all your mistakes. Of course, they added, everyone is a sinner. That means everyone needs to repent.

So right from the get-go, you started out on the wrong side of the fence.

Enter my first existential crisis (as an elementary school student): what the hell was I doing wrong? 

I was five, six, seven. Sometimes I cried or got mad. I knew that. So I said sorry. I said sorry for not knowing how to tie my shoes. For not wanting to go to school. For getting upset when my brother was mean to me.

Every single little thing I assumed was a mistake. If my mom cried, it was my fault. If I didn't want to do my chores, I was a bad person. If I disobeyed, I was on a slippery slope to hell. And to me, I didn't even care about the fire or eternal damnation or all these concepts that were supposed to frighten you into donating ten percent of your gross income to the church. 

All I cared about was that I might never see my mom again. 

Every time a pastor warned me about lying, stealing, premarital lust, being sad, not fulfilling my role as a female human, daring to question a man in a leadership position—it was like a little bell in the back of my head would ring and a warning message would flash: You're never going to see your mom again.

And the closer she came to death—every ineffective doctor's appointment, every test gone wrong, every step backward—the fear intensified. My mom's death wasn't a vague thing. It wasn't something that would eventually happen in the far future and I could just not think about it.

Try not thinking about it when she's lying on the couch vomiting into a bucket for three days.

Try not thinking about it when she's in so much pain she can't even stand up.

Try not thinking about it when old ladies make rude comments about her being too young to use an electric cart at the grocery store. Or when you're loading her wheelchair into the trunk of the car. Or when you're twelve years old and carrying in the groceries and doing the laundry and cleaning the house because she can't.

Her death was a fear I stared in the face every single day.

I guess it shouldn't surprise me that as an adult, I turned my back on an ideology that told a five-year-old they were so evil they were likely to be ripped away from their mother at a moment's notice, separated for all eternity. From an ideology that offered no guarantees that heaven was even attainable. From an ideology that couldn't even make up its mind about what the "right" path to heaven was. 

Which means it also shouldn't be surprising that believing nothing comes after death is a much easier belief to bear.

There is no heaven; there is no hell. There is only now. 

When I die, I'll be dead.

And that's okay.

[audiovisualrecall]

So friends/family gave us food and others are offering to so we don't have to cook etc and I appreciate it but also

Despite all the Thanksgiving food yesterday being stomach-safe apart from the cake (and, yes, the donuts I had at work 2 days in a row), everything was still rich, and I ate too much, and my stomach has been on and off upset/uneasy since last night. The same thing will happen with the food they gave us, bc it's rich, and we have had problems before with similar stuff, and if it tastes good I have no self control bc I don't feel full right away, and mostly normally we eat simple dishes! Simple stir fries where I have a portion of chicken, rice or pasta, and veggies. My stomach can't really tolerate heavy, rich foods very often, and we already have people offering to buy us dinner foodstuffs for the rest of the week, honestly, and I appreciate it but I don't want to be sick all week, okay! And on top of that I pulled a muscle in my side on like Monday or Sunday maybe and it's been getting more painful/difficult to deal with as I worked 7 days in a row, plus I'm still coughing, and I have acid reflux for some reason, and I'm having to lay on my back and not my side like I prefer bc my side feels painful like pinching when I lay on my side, I can't twist and move around and reach for things easily or without pain. And I can't deal with multiple physical discomforts at the same time like this, and mourning my zayde, and I don't want to be a problem abd a bother to my mom, but I'm trying to express something no one is taking seriously! I have a chronic gut related illness! I'm not just being difficult and I can't just cook something else for myself because I AM IN PAIN! I worked 5 or 6 days in a row with this pain yes but I was clearly doing more damage to the muscle and if I want to heal at all I need to not do things that will hurt it, I need to see a doctor probably too, and I just feel like such a problem, like I'm being a baby making everything about me when ma lost her dad, but it's not my fault I'm injured and that my stomach is difficult!!!!!! And I want to cry and I can't even do that without something hurting! I want normal food bc nothing else can be normal rn. And I'd like tp be able to focus on healing and not on my stomach being upset. Like lunch was bagels, lox, and fruit, and my stomach still wasn't happy. And I need to call out from work Sunday at least partly to let my side heal but also bc we don't sit shivvah tonight or tomorrow until shabbos ends so most ppl are coming over on Sunday to sit with us. And I didn't tell work abt my grandfather passing, I just went to work the next day and said nothing to anyone I only told kne friend when he was sick and only told one different friend that he had passed away Tuesday night, so i just feel weird now to mention that hey I might need some time off due to a death in the family.... but also I might need PT for my pulled muscle and I didn't mention THAT to anyone at work really specifically that the injury occurred at work bc it was just so crazy busy and I thought it would get better on its own I guess, and it probably only happened bc I'd had the flu so I'd been coughing for a week and then reached for something too high up at work while twisted slightly and felt a sharp pain in my side... so idk if I should tell them one or the other bc no one would believe me if I tell them both things are reasons for me to be out. Idk. And I'm just upset and tired of ppl thinking I'm annoying for not wanting to upset my stomach by eating things I know will do so, purely bc it's the food that'd available so I should either eat it or make myself something else. Like my point is it's distressing to me rn! Please help me and understand me!

[daintyyokuen]

This is kinda old… some school project where i kinda expressed mslf yet i think i should post it. This song def inspired part of it.

14 /06 / 23

I've been feeling upset with the world for a while now, I don't know why or since when, but I know I'm upset. I know that no matter how the day goes, I'll be upset. I hate many things, and that's why people often get annoyed with me. I hate things without trying them, I hate things without experiencing them, I hate people without knowing them, I hate music without listening to it, I hate movies without watching them, I hate books without reading them. I hate that people don't understand why I hate things without even trying them. I simply hate them, that's it, deal with it.

I hate it when people make me feel bad "unintentionally" when it's common sense that what they're doing is wrong. It makes me feel like they're stupid. I hate it when they don't meet my expectations, and I hate imagining and living believing in the best version of them only to realize that they're actually awful. I detest when things go wrong and feel like I wasted my time even if I loved it before. I hate missing people I know will never come back. I hate thinking about the things I could have done better but didn't.

It bothers me to hear my mom speak. Her voice should bring me peace or tranquility, but it hasn't been like that for a long time. Even if she just says my name, I hate it. It stresses me out. I hate my dad and how, after ten years, he tries to establish a relationship with me. I feel like time is already wasted. I love my sister, but I hate the days when I resent her because with her my dad can do things better since the beginning , I hate how even if my stepmom is a nice person I still kinda hate her, how I feel its her fault my parents aren't together even if they aren't since I was born.

I hate constantly searching to have the same conversation over and over again, searching for you in every person I meet, believing I see you on the street, feeling your scent even though I know it's impossible, crying every time I think I hear your voice.

I don't like realizing that other people's lives go on even without me. I know it's natural and there's nothing wrong with it, but I don't think it's fair. When someone leaves, I feel like time slows down for me while it seems to be the opposite for them. I feel like it's easy for them to forget me, but I continue to remember the same person who has been out of my life for four years already.

I don't like having good days and bad days. I don't like how, for the past few months, the bad days outnumber the good ones. It sickens me to have to think about the future in a realistic way, to think about what will become of me in a few years makes me want to puke. I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to do anything about it. I want to live without taking action even if I know it's impossible.

But if there's something i hate the most is my mentality, how since i was a child my mom remember how easily i got attached to my friends and when they leaved i would get sad for days, my inability to understand things are changing and that's okay, is part of life, how I simply can't accept that im growing up and that nothing will ever be the same, how my room, the responsibilities and the people on my surroundings won't feel or be the same. I hate knowing that "we come into this life alone and we leave alone" but I still don't want to accept it. I hate knowing that I'm not ready for life yet and the time just won't stop.