#And that's today's edition of thoughts that should go in my personal journal

[watery-melon-baller]

Sometimes you just feel pointless amirite gays

[lyralit]

4.1.24 - the importance of learning new things

As much as I think academic & work focus is incredibly important going into the new year, one of my other goals is to practice doing more: to learn all of the things I want to do, in addition to work, in addition to writing. I want to know how to do thousands of little things, and I think the longer we wait, the less likely we are to do them.

Picking up a new hobby doesn't have to be buying a dozen textbooks and spending hundreds of dollars on lessons because you might have the slightest interest: it can be from whatever you have here, now, and you'll never learn if you don't get started.

Some of the things I've been getting into (as I've mentioned before) are baking & crocheting. it just feels so cozy and nice & I love the idea of comfort.

here is a list of things I want to / you should try that's new!

learning a new language. fifteen minutes a day, I kid you not. I'm learning latin on duolingo and I don't ever think about it, but when I do it (25 day streak 💪🏻), I'm starting to notice my improvements

consuming good media. and that's not scrolling for half an hour on tumblr. it's books—deep ones and silly ones and ones about romance and dragons and apocalypses. it's movies! I watched keira knightley's pride and prejudice twice in the last few months, and also three men and a baby which is something I never thought I would watch, but it was quite funny I think. and I learn from it: I cannot write humour or romance for the life of me, so it's basically studying to write (is the self-gaslighting too evident?)

learning to crochet. I made a silly little headband today, after scrolling through pinterest and desperately wanting one. I started crocheting in december to give as gifts (I completed none of my wips, much like when I write) and used the tools I had around me: an old rainbow loom hook and whatever string I could find. now I'm proud to say I can read somewhat fluently crochet acronyms.

baking. I keep saying this. I know. but when I tell you a two years ago I was exploding cupcakes in the oven and last month I made bakery-style cookies...I made bread! a loaf of bread! (in a bread machine, but it's so good and I instantly made another. there is one in the bread machine right now). honestly it just made me feel that much better about improvement, and trying new things, and that is the mindset I want for the new year.

learning to code. in all honesty, I never thought I was a compsci - engineer kind of person. then this year, out of sudden (masterminded) urges, I joined a bunch of tech and robotics initiatives, and maybe it's the sense of community (I can rejoice in finding another nerdy group) but now I am happily chauffeuring myself to these meetings 4h a week. I'm looking into pursuing more into the fields of eng and science. and I'm learning some code from one of the friends I've made!

starting a blog. ...I know most of the people who linger around my blog stay for the writing content (the last posts have turned this writerblr into a digital diary, and I'm only half sorry for that). but since I've joined tumblr (almost three years ago now!) I've got to meet so many wonderful people (including you!) and want to try so many things.

and I get it. it's overwhelming. so here are some starting goals that maybe I'll try also.

start doing art. -> make a card for someone as a gift.

learn a new sport & start exercising. (I'm trying out track & field in the spring, so stay tuned to figure out how that goes) -> see if someone will come play ball with you. do 1 or 2 youtube workout videos a week.

film videos of your daily life. it doesn't need to be for posting! -> edit together clips you've taken for a last year recape.

start a scrapbook. -> print out photos and dig up construction paper. decorate a page.

make a poetry journal. -> go on pinterest to read poetry! pin styles you like and set fifteen minutes to writing.

make a regular journal! -> write once a day. just try: goals for the day in the morning, or a recap at night.

try your hand at gardening. -> research plants that grow well in your region. see if any of the seeds you may have at home are useful. water your lawn. buy a plant and try to keep it alive (set reminders, leave it in front of your sink)

learn to make candles. -> watch a youtube tutorial. see if you can play around with candles you already have.

play chess. -> see if someone will play chess with you. no? chess.com is right there. go make an account. go find a stranger.

learn to play an instrument off youtube. -> maybe you have a piano sitting around, or a guitar you've never touched. you don't even need to master it. pick a song you like and google that. no instrument? maybe there's a way to play drums with home items.

go for a run. -> once a week. a set time. just shoes and the outdoors. too cold? go to a gym and use a treadmill. maybe that's not possible? skip rope.

start / join a book club. -> just you, or some close friends, or people online. a book a month. talk about it.

** on that note, would anyone like to join a tumblr book club? slide into my asks and maybe we can get a blog list!

thank you for reading again <3 until next time.

k.

[tootoomanycats]

Boiling Over

Suguru Geto x Personal Chef Smut

Pairing:

Pent Up Geto Cult Leader x OC Fem

(can also be read as reader insert)

Word Count: 3,576 words

Summary: Geto realizes that his new cook has started to put disgusting notions into his daughters heads. After tucking the girls to bed, he finds holding the lid on his anger challenging and complex. It is time to have a talk with this vile monkey; only things don’t go according to plan.

Warnings:

Language usage refers to non-sorcery users such as monkeys and animals and uses verbiage degrading non-users' ideology. (It's Geto; I am only trying to stick to how I think he would internally speak about us muggle folk.)

Enemies arguing to unexpected smut.

Mentions of premature ejaculation. (we make sure he knows he’s still wanted)

Minor mention of a potential eating disorder for Geto.

Author Notes:

Hello Everyone! I promise I am still working on rewriting Performances, but I had to stop because my brain would not let me get any sleep until I got this little one-shot out and edited. I never planned on writing any JJK content, but this is my lesson in never saying never. Honestly, I don't know if this will be a stand-alone one-shot or if it will develop into a short story. Either way, I hope you'll like it! As always if you like what you have read please remember that fanfic writers live off of likes, comments and reblogs- we wont admit it but we all have praise kinks.

Have you watered your writer today?

Each long stride only allowed more anger to fill his lungs. That disgusting, foul-breathed cretan. How dare she encourage such thoughts in their minds? To speak of this dementedly wicked world like the Garden of Eden, like it was something worth protecting. When creatures like her ruined its oasis, this was just more evidence that only further proved every reason to go through with the plan to wipe them out of existence.

Silence filled the long, winding corridors in the late hour—only the soft shuffles of his steps to be heard. The time spent wandering, stewing in the whirlpool of thoughts, was unknown. Be it subconsciously or with intention, he came to stand before the kitchen door. Finger paints covered the wood in various colors and shapes and crudely drawn animals. No doubt, the artistic freedom given to the girls by that damn woman. Another distraction put in front of them that should instead be spent studying and growing more substantial for the future, his future. Fingers massaged at his temple, and that damn under-eye twitch was back.

Before turning to continue on the walk of rage, a faint light shined from under the door. The source’s inconsistent flickering made it obvious it was a flame light, not the usual overhead bulbs. A shadow was moving about, its lines from under the door jam shifting around. Was someone trying to find a late-night snack? Curiosity got the better of him as the door cracked open, the well-oiled hinges making no noise to give away his presence. There, at the kitchen island, sat the bane of his existence. A single candle was her only light source as she made notes in a thick-bound journal. Books littered across the counter’s surface that she was scanning between.

After spending two hours tossing and turning in bed, Hope had given up on sleep finding her tonight. What time would have been spent dreaming was now used to research and plan instead. In the short time since coming to the estate, she realized how out of her depth she was. Growing up on a farm had taught her many valuable tidbits that rolled over into the new career of personal cook. Sadly, though, most of the knowledge of common fruits and vegetation was useless now due to being on foreign soil. Not to mention, all the meals commonly made here were a complete novelty to her. All day, the worry of not knowing a simple dish to make for the girls if one got sick filled her head.

She felt lucky that it was still summer, but fall and winter would soon come, so it was best to start studying basic soup stocks and how to preserve them now. Just as exhaustion began to creep its way up her spine, the face of that egotistical man came to mind. She groaned, remembering how he had already refused everything but the boiled, unseasoned chicken breast. A previous warning of how picky her new boss was had first been brushed off, but now she only saw it as something more concerning. When inquired, the girls only looked at each other before explaining how their father seemed to struggle with food. Something about how things always seemed to taste putrid: Hope made a mental note to inquire if there were meals that would not be so vehemently refused going forward.

“I see I am not alone in burning the late-night oil.” Geto had to hold in the smug smirk at watching Hope almost jump out of her skin when making his presence known. Stepping closer to the kitchen island, his eyes scanned its counter’s contents. Multiple subjects filled the open pages, text outlining photos and drawings of local flora and fauna in Japan, while another explained cultural customs entwined with particular meals. “Homework?” he asked, keeping the tone of the question light, almost teasing. Anger still simmered just below the surface, the lid of feigned equanimity keeping it in check.

She quickly closed the notebook, gathered the books, and walked backward while responding. “Just menu planning and figuring out what to plant in the garden first.” Mirroring his strained smile, she still tried to calm the racing of her heart from being caught off guard by his presence. “W-What has you up so late?” Gulping when the evident anger in his eyes seemed to be barely masked by the smile on his lips. With each step he took further into the space, she took one back-feigning needing to put the books back in their place, on the opposite end of the island. Something deep and primal warned not to turn her back to him.

Hands going back into their usual hiding place in the sleeves of his haori, he stopped where she had just been sitting. Magnanimous in allowing the useless cook her space. “I just tucked the girls into bed. They were having difficulty falling asleep, and I couldn’t figure out why for a while until they started asking some peculiar questions.” Geto tilted his head, the candle’s light only illuminating one half of his face while the other became shrouded in the darkness of the night. Even in the dimly lit space, the fear on her face was clear as day. Teeth ground together as realization dawned on him; at first, he had chalked up what she had told his daughters as common monkey ignorance. But now, in the fearful response of shirking away from him, it became apparent that she knew exactly what she had done.

“Oh? What kinds of questions?” Hope’s palms began to sweat, making it hard to hold the books. She had no shame in introducing the importance of protecting living things, nor held abasement in teaching how the circle of life affected everyone, including Nanako and Mimiko. However, this did not make her oblivious to the potential backlash of such actions. Placing the books down on the edge of the counter before straightening her posture; if she were to be fired or threatened, then he would have to do it while seeing her head held high.

What was once a simmering pot now started to boil. It was one thing to play stupid with him, but it was another thing entirely to look proud while doing it. Taking a step forward, he spoke sternly, “Yes. It seems they have these ideas suddenly.” Another step. “Notions I have taught them that will not be allowed in the future I am creating. You wouldn't happen to know where they got those from, would you?” He now stood only a few short strides from her and the corner she had put herself in. Watching as she stood taller with each step, even puffing her chest out. She was brave; he would give her that. Bravely stupid.

Hope’s eyes dropped down from where he now stood to the books before her. With a deep breath, she calmly spoke the answer he was trying to pull from her. “Yes, I had asked them what vegetables would be best to grow in the garden earlier today. As it turns out, they didn't know, and neither did I. So I found a book, and the three of us took turns reading and learning.” Wetting her mouth, she continued before glancing up to see the anger on his face build. “The girls started to have more philosophical questions on which I gave my opinions on.” Fear spread through her bones as he quickly walked into the small space that was left between them. Turning to face the outrage on his face, back facing the island as her hands held onto its edge for the needed stability of what was to come.

“Who are you to fill their minds with such disgusting notions?” The pot's lid danced over the boiling rage held within. The candlelight illuminated both of them clearly, making it possible to watch as shock filled her face at his statement.

At first, her jaw hung open until the feeling of offense had her back to defend herself. “You may think it disgusting, Your Radiance, but like it or not, the reality is that those girls are starting to realize that not everything in this world is horrible. There are things worth enjoying now, not just when you create some theoretical future.” Though her words rang with strength, her body responded in alarm at watching the monster before her shift through so many emotions.

“They are my children! And much too young to be curious about such things.” The lid crashed to the ground as the emotions finally boiled over the pot’s opening. His voice had raised before quieting back down.

“They are growing girls, just three years shy of being teenagers! How can you not see that they are becoming curious about the world around them? Both have questions, yet you refuse to acknowledge it.”

Wrath filled his eyes, his usually fake pacifying expression vanishing to show the true nature of his feelings as he crowded her further with a sneer, twisting his lips. “Oh? What questions would be so important that they would go to a vile monkey for answers instead of me?” His tone was dangerous, threatening, and low.

She could feel the hair on the back of her neck rise; he did not expect such rage to be mirrored back. “I may be a monkey, but at least they feel safe enough to tell me when they like a boy.” Shock started filling his face as she took the chance to be the one now leaning in. “Tell me, how do you plan to explain to them that you will cause the death of their crush?”

Her eyes flicked back and forth between his; he was so close that she could feel the heat of his breath across her nose. Blood thrummed in her veins at how hard her heart pounded. The butcher-block wood creaked under her white knuckle grip, and her back pressed firmly against the counter as he further cornered her in. If this is how she died, then so be it; it will have been worth it to have finally shoved reality into the maniac's face.

Large palms and long arms became caged bars around her, nails scratching groves into the woodgrain. “A crush is a trivial thing.” He leaned further, pressing his chest forward, forcing her spine to bow back uncomfortably. The stiff lip of the wood now bit painfully into her haunches. Delicate fingers gripped the front of his gojogesa, desperate to have any control of how he continued contorting her upper body. His head tilted to whisper into her ear, “They will learn that a monkey’s place is beneath them.”

Geto hated weaklings and abhorred their very existence. It was revulsion, not excitement, that caused the fluttering in his stomach when their cheeks brushed. Loathing how it should have been disgust, not pleasure when her breasts pressed against his chest with each shuddered breath she took. He should have felt repulsed when realizing how perfect the closeness of their height was and how easy it would be to connect further.

It’s because of the years of celibacy that she was so sensitive, Hope told herself. Why else would such a monster cause the sensation of pooling hot honey to form in her belly? How, when Geto shifted his weight to press the muscle of his hips against hers, a whimper caught in her throat that pride refused to let out.

It must have been the lack of touch for so long that had her eyes fluttering shut when he nuzzled his nose into her temple. Monsters did not fathom such intimate affection. Monsters would not wrap such large hands around the back of her neck, gripping the corded muscles of her throat in such a dizzying way. She would not lift onto the counter and widen the distance of her thighs for a beast to slot between them so perfectly. Surely, such a creature would not brace his other hand around the center of her back to press further for contact. The sensation of the growl emanating from its lungs shooting to her core.

It was because his nose had become accustomed to the disinfectant spray that he was so sensitive to her smell. Internally berating himself for nuzzling into the hairline above the cook’s ear, lemon verbena, and citrus mixed pleasantly among the uplifting notes of her scent. Geto couldn’t refrain from pressing firmer into her hairline, gulping in deep breaths of Hope’s scent. The grip on the back of her neck tightened further; confirmation of the creature’s ability to still breathe came in how she tried and failed to hold back a second low moan.

His own response vibrated from how feminine hands gripped the thick fabric on his back and along his rib cage. Cursing at the way, soft, long legs dragged upward along the sides of his hips before wrapping around to press him closer. Silk robe falling open from the movement to show matching panties. It was unbelievable how quickly his cock hardened, straining against the white cloth of his momohiki. He could feel the heat radiating from her core, even with the five layers of Buddhist robes between them. How many years had it been since he had touched himself, let alone such a tempting, vile animal?

Hope bit her bottom lip at the delicious pressure against her core. If she hadn’t been so swept up in the moment’s intensity, she might have been embarrassed about the wet spot that could be felt already in her underwear. Skin growing hot as her body craved more contact and friction. The hands that previously gripped his clothes now reached up to thread into the long tendrils of the brutes hair. Fingernails scraped against his scalp before grasping firmly to pull the face away from hiding against her cheek. The strangled gasp he made caused her walls to flutter; what other noises would this monster of a man make?

The site that greeted her was breathtaking: flushed cheeks, eyes wide with shock and pleasure, and an oh-so-tempting pout to kiss. Gone were the fake smiles, disgusted glares, and angry scowls. Now what stood before her was a desperate mess of a man whose cock was so hard it could be felt through the many layers of clothing. She felt relief from the sight before her; a previous worry that he was toying with her was dissipated. No one would be able to deny his desire from how hard he was breathing, his own hands clinging to her like a lifeline.

Suguru was a man who had faced his fair share of dangerous and terrifying situations in his lifetime. He prided himself on keeping calm and making calculated choices during high-stress moments. So panic began to set in when he found moving from this frozen position impossible. The way her hands had gripped his hair, forcing them to hold eye contact, had his cock throbbing. Panic rose higher from the sensation. She kept glancing at his lips; this wasn’t good. Willing his lungs to work and throat to open, a quiet but hoarse word came out. “No.”

It was Hope’s turn to pout. Her legs locked tighter around him. In reality, he could break free from her so easily; the fact that he wasn’t just proved how much his body languished for contact. Her eyes pleaded as she took in his image, memorizing it and burning it into her mind. “Please.” she quietly asked in return. Hips rocked gently against his to help emphasize her ask. All movement paused at hearing an odd sound. Her brow furrowed in question at the noise he made suddenly, his face contorting to one that could be described as painful. Had she hurt him just now?

Geto eyes shut as the sudden climax continued quivering through him. Its shame was felt running down his stomach, legs, and clothing. He refused to look, to see her expression once she realized what had just occurred.

Hope's concern grew as he stayed still and closed off, contrasting how he clung to her a moment ago. The grip in his hair melted into gentle touches on his cheek, cupping his face to see if she could coax him to look at her. Hormones and endorphins craving the intimacy once more. When his eyes still refused to open, she scanned more of him to find the source of the sudden change. That’s when she spotted it; instantly, it all made sense. The relatively sizable wet spot formed on his clothes was proof of what occurred. Warmth spread to her cheeks as sinful thoughts began to race in her mind, the desire for more growing. Biting her bottom lip, she murmured-

“Again.”

His eyes sprung open wide, disbelief shaping the expression. Their eyes met as he processed her expression of hunger. The gentle touch of her hands on his cheek shifted to clasping the side of his face in place. Hips tilted as she pressed her core to where the wet spot lay on him. His mouth was agape in shock at the feeling of being nuzzled along his jawbone, the sensation trailing a line to his ear where a whisper was pressed against its shell. “I want another one, please.” The ask was sweet and sincere, even begging. Words failed him as a hand gently guided his own from the counter across the warmth of a plush thigh to someplace much hotter. A palpation hit his ribcage when feeling thin satin fabric, saturated and slick, shuttering when Hopes’s fingers encouraged his own to press more firmly against the spot. Her resounding whine brought him back from the out-of-body experience.

The overwhelming rage from before shifted into something much more savage and ravenous. Years of repressed urges bled to the surface; sturdy fingers gripped into the base of her hair like a handle to be pulled back from him, the movement forcing her skull to tilt up. It felt impossible to catch any breath as it heaved erratically between the groaning and growls, responding to how desperate legs clung to him. Any previous control had spilled from the pot that now boiled over. Another hand raised to cup her face with the same tenderness she had shown him just moments ago, watching how her eyes repeated their glances to his lips again. Finally, he leaned in.

“Shhh, I know where she hid the cookies from earlier.” Multiple footsteps could be heard getting closer and closer outside the door. Mimiko and Nanako both telling the other to be quiet, annoying the other with each repeated response given back and forth.

Hope and Geto’s eyes widened as the reality of their situation quickly sunk in. Her mouth opened and closed like the koi fish in the pond outside, and before she could say a word, the maniac was gone. Her brain struggled to process his disappearance, the movement inhuman in its speed. The limbs that once were held up against the other body flopped from no longer having something to grip onto. As the kitchen door slowly opened, she scrambled off the counter and ripped open one of the fridge doors to hide her overtly flushed face. Praying that its cold air would help calm down her heart rate. She was panicking as she quickly fixed the front of her silk robe back in its proper place.

Hidden outside the kitchen’s veranda, Geto stood in horror as the events that had just transpired replayed in his mind. Dismay that the truth about who started the whole situation was him. What was worse was that as hard as he tried to feel the disgust he so proudly touted for her kind, he could only feel how hard he was--again. Realization dawned on him of how dangerous the cook was as he shifted Hopes’s title from monkey to succubus.

[bacchicly]

Plan to finish Whoa! Plus a bit of journaling about the block.

Note: my tag for journal posts is "bacchic dances"

CW: journaling part will explore a bit of my relationship to sex/intimacy and also the depression I am digging myself out of.

Background: Whoa! Is my garvez WIP where they explore Pony play and we learn that Penelope and Luke and Lisa have been having loving threesomes for a few months. Lisa also falls in love with Dio. Luke and Penelope make a breakthrough.

SOOOOOO I have not written in ages and I can trace it back to a specific moment. I read part of the story to someone and they reacted with "this makes me realise I was not very good at sex" (not verbatim).

I didn't realise it right away and it wasn't the person's fault but the result was the comment and my reaction to it made writing the WIP less fun. It didn't help that my family life and work life has been chaotic and that I have been fighting some real depression for the last few months.

One thing I have realised (or at least vocalized for the first time) is that sex is my "special topic". (This is surely not a huge surprise to my longtime readers/mutuals). I love learning about it, thinking about it, studying it -- yes I love the feelings of sex but that is in some ways secondary to it's special topic-ness -- and it's not always the easiest special topic to have...it being taboo and all in a lot of circles and that my own relationship to sex is confused and impacted by my ADHD and PMDD Symptoms.

(I know that is hardly unique - but it doesn't make it less true)

Anyways - if I am trying to do some healing - then finishing this wip (which I actually love) feels important.

I also am trying to not take on other people's wants, needs, and opinions quite so much and my fanfic writing is basically my one space where I really can work through my own thoughts, opinions and feelings on these topics that matter so so much to me. Also it is important to me to keep improving as a writer and fanfic has helped so much.

I really want to go back to giving myself this gift...but I am the only one who can do it...just like I'm the only one who can take it away.

So hence...a plan is needed...so what are my challenges right now?

I can't totally remember where I am at.

It's just shy of 20000 words and I am determined to write the end before posting.

Editing feels really challenging.

I can't decide if this is a really really long one shot or chapters (I think chapters and I am thinking I will post it section by section - 1 per day. With editing between.

I am nervous about my OC.

Ok so if that's the case...what do I have left to write?

Ok I just read where I am at and I think I have exactly two scenes left to write. Lisa and Dio deciding to skip the shower for Baby number 5 & calling Pen & Luke to advise them - and the call coming during a final scene between Pen and Luke.

So - if I wrote for 2 hours...I should at least have a shitty version. Then I could do a read through for it all hanging together. Then start posting / editing.

I think I can make 2 hours today to do this.

But if not...I can plan a schedule to finish it within 2 weeks.

[sugarpuptard]

waaaaaahhhhhh im gonna go insane i miss my boyfriend too much i need it to be october already so i can have him all to myself again ITS NOT FAIR I NEED HIM!!!!!!!! i keep thinking about earlier this year when i went to his state to visit in person for the first time i wish it was longer 3: i want more pics with him too i don't have enough, one of my favs tho i'll share hehe, i don't think he wants his face here but the pic below is still perfect and cozy >w< leg reveal i guess? xD

i love this pic so much i stare at it every time i miss his touch (pros of too vivid imagination + too much vr training phantom senses = i get to feel it almost enough again yippie! but its not the same) thought i should edit it to look extra cute here <3

i was only there for like 5 days but he's staying longer when he comes for my birthday and im too excited omfg. traveling is much more new to him than me since i've been to plenty of states but he hasn't left his state really so i get to show him new stuff hehehe i like that, imma show him the city!!

i also wish i wasn't a little nervous but i think its just some past trauma with relationships in this situation ( ; w ; ) but i dont actually have anything to worry about since its not like that anymore (reminder to myself: its not like that anymore) and i think its more excited nerves than anything, things will be good!

another thing i am also nervous-excited about is that he's gonna be proposing to me!!! (๑ˊ͈ ॢꇴ ˋ͈)〜♡॰ॱ like HUH??? ME????!!??? u choose my weirdo NEET mentally ill and crippled ass to be yours forever?? ;w; i don't know how i found someone like him he makes me feel so safe and happy and genuinely cared about, he's everything i wanted and everything i didn't realize i needed, and to think we met as middle-schoolers on ROBLOX?? specifically in the robloxian highschool rp game (∘︎＞▽＜。) we had quite a long and intense roleplay over multiple days and weeks possibly we were hella invested, i forgot most of the plot tho my memory of back then is so blurry

we didn't talk for quite a few years because of my mental issues getting me put into places that kept me away from online too much sadly, but he never left my mind so in june of last year i finally messaged him again with the help of some alcohol and my friend saying DO IT DO IT DO IT and thank God i did. he replied pretty quick too because luckily he was still signed into his old account on his phone and he woke up to my texts at like 3am xD oopsies

im just so lucky to have him, i feel so unsafe so much for so fucking long and finally i have someone that gives me that sense of safety and security, i dont have to be scared or stressed i can just love and i love him too much and i'll do anything to have him forever. my journal rambling for today is fitting the theme of my yandere blog posts ngl (￣▽￣;) but i didn't know i was gonna ramble like this and i dont feel like logging out sooooooo this go here instead teehee

i genuinely didn't mean to ramble so much but my new med is a stimulant so i've been a bit wired all day lmao, i gotta get the ramble vibes out somehow, if u read all this damn :o

[awaitingfall]

07.12.24

134

Feeling good this morning! I lost 0.4 even though I didn’t stick to my fasting schedule yesterday because my wonderful bf bought me some cookies that I had once and thought were no longer being sold because they were limited edition and I haven’t seem them in the stores for a while, but he found them when he went to a different grocery store after work and surprised me with them 🥹 But I did really well the rest of the day, eating and movement-wise so I’m sure it balanced everything out.

- - -

I’m so happy and grateful I have Fridays off of work. It feels more natural to have a 4 day work week and have an extra day to spend time being with yourself and family and friends and taking care of chores. Today I’m working on some laundry and then I’m going over to my parents’ house to spend time with my mom and make meatballs together to bring to my bf’s parents’ place tomorrow for his grandma’s birthday dinner.

- - -

I ordered The Dhammapada with annotations on Amazon this morning and it should arrive tomorrow - I’m excited to start reading it!

- - -

I’ve been writing in a physical journal almost every morning since April and I find it’s helped me get things off my mind that have been bothering me and really focus on what’s important. Looking back to when I started journaling, I was writing down every little thing that annoyed me, i.e. This person at my job isn’t working efficiently and is dragging us down; this “friend” of ours is a terrible person for doing this; i can’t stand when he says this or does that; etc etc etc. And after about a month and a half, I started to think ‘is writing about something or someone else that I have no control over actually beneficial, or am I just wasting my time?’ And now I find myself only being able to write about myself and most of it is positive. Maybe I’ll write about a stomach pain I had the day before or if work was a little tiring from the heat, but everything else is super positive.

Some times I find myself trying to force myself to write more because my journal entries used to be 2-3 pages long, only because I was complaining about so many unimportant things. But now they’re less than 1 page. I realize now that I don’t need to write so much in order to feel the positive effects of journaling. And even these short entries are filling up my journal so quickly, I need to find a new one soon! I love stationary so I’m excited to go pick out a new one maybe next month 😍 Might look for a pretty warm toned journal since I’ll be starting it just before Fall.

[seeinginthedark]

The other side is getting really good at infiltrating us. It’s heart -breaking when they target the kind people . I take those ones personally . It’s especially hard when they take over people who are close to us . I thought I had connected with three team mates the other week . But ones been brainwashed , ones too traumatised from what they’ve put her through and the third one not only did he turn

And join the other side , but he tried to do a psychic attack on me. And tried to brainwash me. I think he was maybe meant to lead us in some battles. That was maybe his pathway mission .But they succeeded in infiltrating him. He has a following on Facebook. What he told me technically would put someone into a psychosis . But luckily I was already kind of in one so I quickly caught onto what he was trying to do . which was neutralise me. Like how he neutralised the other members of the team. Telling me the good guys won and he took care of everything.on his own .and That’s the wars over I can relax now. I’m like what do u mean it’s over it’s just getting started .

The enemy when it wants to infiltrate us, tend to go after the smart ones, the driven ones , successful ones and the ones who have influence . So that their agenda is successfully implemented and spread out in groups . Lots of different agendas . Designed to create division amongst us. They are like corrupt guards of a prison and we are the inmates. They especially like to get the ones Who are from an indigenous bloodline. That’s a real win for them when that happens . Sometimes I’m grateful that I don’t have an audience that watches my content. I’m Too small time for them to really want to target me . Sometimes I think they mess with the algorithm so that the videos I’m making aren’t getting circulated or show up in searches. Because I notice that when they do get watched, people comment on them. Good feedback and not so good feedback. And I’m good with that because I didn’t start making any decent videos until 2022. All through 2021 I was just on there ranting and video journalling and learning how to edit videos on the kinemaster app and add special effects . So I’m glad I didn’t have a following. Because the videos were just a hot mess. I’m not wanting a big following. The content I’m making maybe isn’t for the gen pop. Just a few.

I noticed today that I still need to clear out the old social programming that I still have floating around .

I’m 38 today and I see that 40 is approaching and I thought to myself “you better have a job by then, by 40 you should have mastered this game.” I was genuinely shocked that I even thought that to myself . As if my self worth in this life is dependent on if i have a career or not . I thought I was past this and that the social programming doesn’t work on me . But I still have some old beliefs I need to shake off . I really liked my old job that I had and I want to go back there .So why am I thinking that I need to “make it “ by the age of 40? Where did this thought come from. If I don’t figure it out I won’t be able to enter into 5th dimension again till it’s sorted out . When you’re in the 5th dimension, the third dimensional social programming doesn’t affect you anymore .

I like to make the videos now as a kind fuck you to enemy because I know they watch them . And I like reminding them that I’m still here, I’m not going away , no matter how hard they try they can never neutralise me. and I can’t be gaslighted by their tactics or put under any illusion or false destiny pathway. I see through it . I’ll keep pushing on , doing what I need to do in this spiritual war that we are in. I’m defiant all the way. But they need to leave my friends and team mates alone because otherwise I’ll get very angry . And I’ll show them no mercy .

[holofoiltowercard]

The Journey of The Tarot Haiku

IV: The Emperor - Structure and Order

Today I thought I would talk about structure with regard to how the book came about.

First, the structure of the poems: believe it or not, I was first considering limericks just because I really love the structure and flow of the limerick, and I enjoy a good challenge. At the same time, I don't think I have ever written a single limerick in my life - this is a case of "I love to eat it but I never cook it for myself" I suppose. Haikus, however, are a different story: I have written them on and off in the past, usually on the spur of the moment and mostly for the fun of it as I was chatting with friends. When the Eight of Swords card inspired me, that first ever haiku came very naturally, fully formed: the poem you will find in the book is that very first poem just as it had come to my head. Of course, this doesn't mean that all of them were so easy to write - as evidenced by the fact that I still had about forty poems or so to go when I first burned out.

Speaking of writing the poems: as I chose to use Scrivener to assemble the book's contents, that was the same place where I kept track of the poems, and I kept tallies of them. Not to overwhelm myself, I always set goals like, "for your next milestone, write 20 new poems". I wish I still had an in progress picture for Scrivener, but I kept editing the page where I kept track of everything. I do, however, have evidence of keeping score in various bullet journals!

I loved making these, and by now I'm also glad that they show an incomplete state of things, because it gives you an idea of how hard I was trying to motivate myself with colorful tallies.

Just for comparison, this was the progress page in my Scrivener:

See the sidebar? I was not kidding about being meticulous about the structure and squirreling those poems away.

Speaking of which, a bit about the structure of the book: in it you first find some fundamentals, such as poems about the Tarot in general, some key concepts like context and reversals, and then the number system and Court Card personalities. I originally wondered if I should include the latter two with the Minor Arcana section, and have it precede the Suit of Cups (I went in the order of Cups, Pentacles, Swords and Wands because it seems to be the customary order, but now I wonder if people have any preferences about the order of the suits) - but I decided against it because I thought it might break up the flow too much, so even though the number system and the Court Card personalities are strictly about the Minor Arcana, they form part of the first section. This way you basically have two major sections in the book: the first one providing basic information and featuring all digital illustrations, and the second one is a handful of digital illustrations to introduce the cards, followed by the traditional Rider Waite card illustrations.

I'm really happy with the final structure(s), I think they all worked out for the best!

Buy the ebook

Buy the paperback

Buy the hardcover

[nol0nqerhuman]

GHOSTIN’

summary: One fateful day a student from JYP University goes missing. Lee Minho is a dance major, on October 31, 2023 he goes missing. Luckily for him a journalism student cares enough to look for him with the victim’s friends.

masterlist

ㅤㅤ˖ ࣭ ࣪ ✦ ࣭ ֗ ♆ ࣩ ࣪ ⋆ ࣭ ࣪ ✷ ࣭ ࣪ ࣺ

October 31, 2023, Y/N L/N decided not to go out today and instead stay at home editing for the next issue of The JYP Gazelle. Her roommate, Lia had left for the party at Yeji’s by the time she came, leaving her all alone for the night.

The scent of hot chocolate filled her nose as she frantically tried to fix all the ‘mistakes’ in her editorial. ‘Ugh in so stupid I should have asked why he didn’t peruse biblical studies and chose music instead, god I need a break’. The guy she was interviewing was Yang Jeongin, a music major known for his perfect pitch. Quickly closing her laptop she picked up her phone and scrolled through instagram as she tried to think of something to do.

Lia looks like she’s having fun, I want food, getting up and heading to the kitchen she opened the fridge and pushed past the sodas only to be met with no food. With a sigh she sat on the couch and comteplated whether she should go the the store, she got up and put her shoes on before realizing that she had cup noodles in her room from the all- nighters she pulled for the editorial. With a sigh of relief, she grabbed the noodles and headed to the kitchen to prepare her dinner.

Sitting on the couch, she checked the time 9:57, Lia should be back at 12. The microwave beeped and she jogged to get her food and turned on the TV deciding to catch up on a show…..

ㅤㅤ˖ ࣭ ࣪ ✦ ࣭ ֗ ♆ ࣩ ࣪ ⋆ ࣭ ࣪ ✷ ࣭ ࣪ ࣺ

November 4, 2023, at 10:34AM it has been revealed that Lee Minho is missing, through many reports from his friends, missing person posters have been put up immediately. It was the only thing the students could talk about for days. The chief in editorial, Momo Hari, suggested that they make a column about the situation and to try and “give students insight on what is happening”. Apparently, Y/N was supposed to interview and transcript the public’s thoughts and talk to the people close the Minho.

Walking out of her news analysis class she sees Jeongin walking up to her, "Hey, I saw the issue released, it was really good" he said with a slight smile on his face, "Oh thanks, we got a lot of good feedback on it, but speaking of issues do you know where Chan from the musical production class is?" She asked. "Yeah actually, I saw him heading to the cafe with some friends" "Okay, thanks!" She said as she headed off for the cafe.

Arriving at the cafe she decide to look around while waiting in line to order something, she did't want to look around only to see that he want there, that would be humiliating. Looking around she sees Chan from the corner of her eye and walks up to him. “Hello, i’m Y/N from The JYP Gazelle, I just wanted to know if you are comfortable with being interviewed for the paper about your friend” “Oh, sure I guess, does 5o’clock work for you” “Yea, I’ll see you at the bye then” “bye”

ㅤㅤ˖ ࣭ ࣪ ✦ ࣭ ֗ ♆ ࣩ ࣪ ⋆ ࣭ ࣪ ✷ ࣭ ࣪ ࣺ

“Who was Lee Minho to you?” It was 5:05 and the interview had began. “Minho was reliable, you could go to him if you felt sad and he would always listen, he also kept our younger friends in line. He was funny but took a while for him to open up to us.” “When did you first realize Minho was missing and how did you react, what were your thoughts?” “On November 1st be didn’t show up to classes so I thought he was just skipping but then he wouldn’t answer our texts, Felix, his roommate, said that he hadn’t seen him since Halloween after class. On the 2nd me and my friends went to the police station and reported it. They started searching and contacting people and he was declared missing. I feel like it’s my fault, I should have forced him to go with us, then this wouldn’t have happened.”

©️nol0nqerhuman 2023

i tried making like those movies when theres a gruesome death and it cuts to like a office, also if yn and minho’s food situation were switched, she would’ve been the victim instead of minho

[tinyhousepanther]

Todays I-am-very-high-and-have-recently-rejoined-tumblr-because-I’ve-realized-I-need-more-social-interaction-but-tumblr-is-all-I’ve-got-the-energy-for thought is

… drum roll….

the most personal, soul exposing thing I think I could ever do, would be to let some one go through my ao3 bookmarks, even the private ones…. Like the amount of #asexual ♠️ 🐉🌌who kinda likes monsterfucking vibes but is also a depressed millennial who was into Harry Potter and anime and tumblr of yore. Yeesh, how cringe and vulnerable that would be.

Because I like to write when very high and used to write poetry as a moody teen. A good old internet rant into the void. This will get long and old school text formatting like the book House of Leaves is a thing I really love so weird punctuation and spacing ahead.

Also the recursive footnotes in the bartimaeus series

Also, also recently returned to tumblr… lured like a siren into this hell scape of super niche fandoms…. I blame @strange-aeons for making me nostalgic for this place.

On that note. I am actually editing this but mostly because my brain wanted to add things as I read this over for typos because cringe.

Nostalgia leads to reminiscing. I think it was @blackkatmagic who said in a note, that like some niche pairing of fandom like a ship no one asked for but one person dreamed of and a handful of other people liked, is like being in a little boat with them.

(And I had to go find that post so here it is)

And I really like that idea and I like writing stream of consciousness rants when high and also graphs, like data visualization, because I’m an engineer. So a nerd for Venn diagrams that are cool. Like can I make a web diagram bubble graph combo with bubble size for intensity of interest and lines to show how one community spawned an interest in another community? Maybe throw in a color scale for vibes? Like who are the landmarks I use to remember my internet past. Is this what mark zuckerburg is aiming to make for all of us? Can someone build this digital map of my psyche?

Let’s start listing citations to make this glorious journal paper of a post. Giving @strange-aeons or @danielhowell vibes but also @somemorenews and also @scishow and @fishingboatprocceeds energy.

This is like just feeling the need to give a good old trying to describe a very specific mood rant that live journal used to be for.….

Those vibes somehow. Also of course I listen to a lot of podcasts. Like @tanispodcast or @welcometonightvaletranscripts

Who is in this very niche intersection? How narrow of an audience am I?

Or ,

am I yearning for early days Facebook where you just liked a bunch of shitty pages that were just topics. Like quizilla was a window of my internet childhood/preteen (that’s a lie Neopets was first…….)

Which reminds me to also include @dilfosaur and @drawfee. Why do I love the sonic butthole saga so? Is Todd from Mario made manifest into the universe like a tulpa? Am I getting to last podcast on the left now? Do we need to get a net for me??? 🗑️ trap me under a wastebasket like a cat?

God I feel like I’m trying to write a phd thesis on my personality as described via citations of tumblr blogs and other early internet social media. Can I put footnotes in a tumblr post? No. Does my probably autistic ass want them so I can make a hyper detailed thing fully describes a hyper focus moment? Yes. Can I make a whole power point of just internet citations? Yes. Do I have the energy? No.

Should

Be narrating this? I wish, would be interesting if someone I’m citing replies or interacts with this.

Not to brag, but hey I actually did write a phd thesis and some one said it was good enough to give me a fancy piece of paper. I am doctor. Why am I still sad then? Oh, that’s mental illness right. Another citation for a mood elyse meyers

Is this stream of consciousness prose that I am writing while very high and curled in a blanket on my couch while having been overcome by emotion from a fanfic I was reading about a super random cross over of two media from my childhood? Then yes this is me. I am a garbage gremlin of a person who is shockingly successful in life despite my very fun depression and health issues who has way too many parasocial relationships in proportion to real world actual humans I see and interact with on a daily basis.

Is it not the human experience to try and communicate who we are to the world? The innate desire to be seen and known?

Or is that way to high brow for me just wanting to list a bunch of things I like so when I’m having a bad day I can come to this post and just be like…. Oh yeah I did like that one thing.

Like that one video by Drew/Danny/Kurtis that somehow always makes me laugh. Like that friend I had who I could also make laugh by playing the look at this graph vine? 📊. Yes like that. So this my reminder that hey stuff is good and joyful and cringe sometimes, so on the bad days go look at this stuff. I feel @danielhowell has thoughts on this.

That’s it. I should go to sleep. It’s midnight and I have work tomorrow and my cat is glaring at me because we are not snuggling yet.

P.S.

Tumblr really is just MySpace but somehow worse? Yet it’s what we have.

And really the porn had never left. What were they thinking they could do/are doing about it? Like hello tumblrlive makes this app so nsfw to scroll at work when I’ve got time to kill. But also sometimes I want to look at art someone has posted and I’ve got a notification.

[nathank77]

3/31/24

9:52 p.m updated/added to/edited

Now your fb is like empty, everything is gone besides your current husband, your friends, that house, your family reunion and earlier it was your ex husband.

I tried with data and without multiple times today and I refrained from posting about it bc I wasn't sure if it was internet related.

Maybe you are trying to communicate with me this way. It's clear you're not going to add me on WOW and it wasn't an invitation either way I'll keep my account info for the future. I can't get it to update anyways. It's like broken.... I can't even try to play it. My Mac is a POS though eventually I got to get to the apple store to use my apple care in West Hartford.

I feel less delusional. I feel like you may be reading my tumblr.

I feel like it's hope and coincidence rather than delusion and it's completely possible....

But yet my internet is terrible potentially.

If you're here I want to believe you're my soulmate but it could just be that you care and you worry about me. And you wish you could talk to me but you can't and when we finally do, you want to meet me in person.

I understand that. I love you Elise I just want you to be happy.

I'm looking for someone and maybe you are worried and you want me to find someone before you talk to me so this awkwardness isn't a thing. Idk.

I'd never confort you with my feelings. Even if you said you were getting a divorce. I'd wait for you to start talking about seeing other people and I'd wait for your personality to come through. You'd be playful and hint that you may want me ask you out on a date.. I wouldn't ever step over the line... divorce or not. I'd read you and you'd have to spell it out.

You'd basically have to say, "Nathan, I think you're handsome and I may have feelings for you. " for me to ever bring up my feelings. When I asked if you were attracted to me, I used attracted for a reason and not feelings. I probably should have never asked as you're a married woman. Either way I'd never ask again and I'm sorry for putting you in that position. I'm too upfront about my feelings and thoughts, I did have feelings then but I thought saying attracted made it less bad to ask. I should have never asked. Yet I know you were lying. That doesn't matter I put you in a position in which you had to lie to me in order to not be cheating.

Either way I'm sorry I put you in that position and just know we could be friends while I am single and I'd never step over the line. You'd actually have to ask me out even if you talked about your divorce constantly in this hypothetical situation.

Id just be your friend and write my feelings here as this is my journal.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 3 — Bittersweet Reunions

Post journaling edit: this week's entry is a heavier one. I had originally intended to write about 2 major events that went on this week, including Chinese New Year which I celebrated (and am still in the process of celebrating) this weekend. However, I ended up writing and reflecting on the first event more as it held more significance to me this week. I questioned if I should post it as it is quite personal, but I decided to anyway as it is raw and it is real. Hence, here is me emptying my brain on something which I hold very close to my heart and gaining closure during the process of journaling this experience.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

As the title suggests, this week's entry revolves around the feeling of bittersweetness; an emotion I find arises in many aspects of my life, and those of others as well.

The subject matter being a dinner I attended on Tuesday with my friends from primary school to celebrate one of their birthdays. To provide brief context, they are friends I've known since I was 10 years old, which is quite literally half of my life. But due to a falling-out that occurred between us a few years ago, I've stopped talking to them regularly though they remained in close contact with each other. Despite us making up and being on good terms now, I contemplated back and forth for a week on if I should go as the last time we met up a year ago, it was a bit of a let-down as things didn't turn out as I had expected them to. Nevertheless, I ended up going simply for the sake of it. Even though I knew I probably wasn't going to enjoy myself much considering the dynamics of our friendship now, but I thought to myself, "if I don't set any expectations, then I can't possibly be THAT much more disappointed than last time, right?"

And honestly, it didn't turn out as terrible as I thought it would. There were definitely moments where I questioned why I was even there in the first place, but I think more of that time which I spent pondering while the lively chatters of my friends surrounded me, I was silently grieving while reminiscing on the times we spent all those years ago before things changed. I realised that regardless of how many years have past, every time that I am with them I will be brought back to our pre-teen years when we had no idea what was to come; a reminder of the best and the worst times we've had together.

That's the bittersweet part of it, coming to the realisation that we are no longer the people we were 6, 8, 10 years ago. And on top of that, having to admit to myself that this friendship doesn't serve me much purpose anymore. To accept that it was inevitable, as people change over time and our values, life goals, everything that bonded us during that time are not the same anymore, at least on my end. This has been a reoccurring thought process for me in recent years, and although it does get easier every time, I think that it is something I can't escape or move on from because of the impact it had on my teenage years as well as who I am today; I would have to face it every time I see them.

This is a quote that I stumbled upon this week on one of those TikTok slideshows consisting of sad Tumblr posts with even sadder music in the background. I screenshotted it at the time not thinking much of it, but while looking through my gallery for pictures to include in this week's entry, I realised that this post describes how I feel about my current situation — grieving.

Even while I was still at the gathering, catching up and reminiscing on old times together, I was internally grieving the bond we had when we were young. Don't get me wrong, I'm super appreciative for the friendship we've had in the past decade. In fact, it is because of all these thoughts that I asked myself if my feelings were valid or if I were being selfish, considering they were having a great time during the gathering. But I think that ultimately, this is something we all go through in life at one point or another, right? Letting go of the things that don't serve us purpose anymore. We can't possibly hold onto everything in life because that would just weigh us down, preventing us from moving ahead. We have to choose what to keep and what to let go.

And that is basically what I've concluded from this experience, that this friendship is something I have to let go of (at least emotionally) to make room for the better things in life. Though I will still remain in contact with them, I don't think I will accept the next time I receive an invitation as every meetup will only bring back these bittersweet memories and emotions. They were such a big part of my life and it is because of all the history we have that I do not wish to ruin whatever happy memories we have left that remain. I am and always will be utterly grateful for the years I've spent with them, there are no doubts about that. But it's time for me to prioritize myself as well; and that includes moving on from relationships that only weigh me down, remaining in my life solely as a reminder of the past, people I no longer see a future together with.

With all of that said, pouring my heart out on this matter has definitely eased something within me. Perhaps with time I'll be able to find peace, both within myself amidst the impact this friendship had on some of the most critical years of my life, as well as in the relationship I have with my childhood best friends.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! Remember how I said I found the quote on a TikTok slideshow with sad music playing in the background? Well, this was likely the song that was playing, considering it has become one of the top audios people use for any sad scenario. Ironically, it was through those slideshows that I found this song, though I wish I could say differently. I remember the first time I came across this song, the melody alone represented so many of the emotions I felt but couldn't describe. And that is exactly how I feel about the song with this week's theme, that bittersweet reminiscence. Not just that, but the echoing lyrics in the outro aligns with what I wish to say; that despite all of this, I hope that we don't become strangers.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2023 Postmortem: 10 Questions

Phew, 2023 is almost over and I for one am glad to see it go. Considering I felt last year was one of my more difficult years, 2023 must have thought I was throwing down the gauntlet and decided to up the ante. Various points throughout the year saw me reach my breaking point. Somehow I was able to pull myself back from no return, but at a great cost to my mental and physical self.

This has been one of the hardest ten-question pieces I've written as I was trying to find a good balance of talking about the difficult parts while also making sure to find the positive points that happened - no matter how short it felt like.

Buckle up, it's going to be a ride of sorts.

Author’s Note: If you are new to this or want to take a look back at previous pieces, you can click on the links here: 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

95 percent of my work this year was for the day job. Whether was researching various specifications for vehicles, dealing with various issues from customers, or determining what we needed to be keeping an eye on down the road in terms of features. Most of the year has felt like a slog with a neverending list of vehicles coming in and a shrinking staff that felt like we couldn't keep up. I felt even more drained than last year.

Towards the end brought some much-needed good news. A few new people came to our team and brought down the workload by a large amount. At least it doesn't feel like we are playing catch-up anymore.

A bright spot for the year was being added to our internal news service editorial staff. This allows me to help in the process of publishing stories by doing copy edits and going over changes with co-workers. It also allows me to keep my writing skills somewhat sharp.

Speaking of writing, there was barely any of it for the year. This year's ten-question piece is the first thing I have really written for 2023. It comes down to me not having the spark or desire to write anything. I haven't been lacking ideas. The past year in the automotive has been fruitful with electric cars making inroads, questions about fuel economy and affordability, autonomous driving, Tesla, and more. Yet, I haven't any desire to take these ideas from the head and put them out there in the world.

What were your top 5 moments of the year? Being added to the editorial staff for our internal news service Seeing both of my parents retire Taking time off to help me recharge Spending a bit more time playing video games Making some inroads on finding a new job

(It was difficult trying to figure out the top five as it felt like a lot of the year was filled with so many negative things. Trying to scrounge up any good moments is quite hard).

What are you really glad is over?

I don't have a good answer to this as I have several things up in the air as 2023 comes to a close.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

My mental health has been on a roller coaster of sorts. I'll have good days where it seems nothing could go wrong, and days where I find myself in the murky depths, wondering if I will be able to get out. I had many of these days throughout the year whether due to news, personal, financial, or other items. This explains why I spent a lot of my time in my apartment, sitting or lying down. Didn't want to have others experience the cloud of darkness. I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing - going out, visiting friends, and experiencing new things. But when you're caught between the rock and hard place, and no easy and quick way out - very difficult to get out.

If there is a bright spot, it is how much quicker I have been able to spot myself falling into the spiral and pausing it. I may do some journaling, go for a walk, listen to some music, or lie down to help reset myself. The more I catch myself going into a depression cycle, the easier it becomes to get out.

My usage of social media has gone down drastically throughout the year. A lot of this can attributed to Elon Musk's decisions on the service formally known as 'Twitter'. I have stopped posting there since late Spring after setting up accounts on BlueSky and Mastadon. I find myself using BlueSky more as there more people I follow from 'Twitter' who have come over. But it isn't the same as it once was and I cannot fully put my finger as to why.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

How much progress I have been making on the job hunt. I started this in earnest back in late Spring. While most of the opportunities I have applied for have either not gone anywhere or picked a different candidate, I have started to feel more at ease with writing out cover letters and presenting my best self during interviews. It still is quite stressful and takes a lot out of me. But with what I have learned throughout the year, I think the job hunt in 2024 will prove to be fruitful.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

That it is ok to take a break from the news. Considering how this year has felt like a raging waterfall of news seemingly breaking every hour of each day, I had to significantly cut back on the news. I may read a summary of what happened during the day or just go dark, depending on my mood. I may not be as up-to-date as other people, but it does make me feel less like impending doom is coming.

This year has also brought forth how lonely I'm been since COVID-19 made its way to the U.S. It oddly stemmed from me binging many Unsolved Mysteries hosted by Robert Stack. The music and Robert Stack's presentation sent chills down my spine as they did when I was a young kid. I needed somebody to bring me back down to earth and comfort me. It's a ridiculous way to find out you're still dealing with loneliness, but it helped put it into perspective. I've only seen my co-workers only a few times this year, and have only talked with a close friend of mine throughout the year. The remaining friends haven't heard a peep from me since last year or more.

There is something you are taught when you start off in computer security; finding a balance between security and convenience. It boils down to determining the right amount of lockdown and ease of entry into a given environment. For example, requiring only one key to enter a vault full of gold makes it very convenient for a person to get in, but it also makes it very tempting for someone to rob. On the opposite, having seven different locks requiring a different way to open a house makes it very secure. But it also makes a pain in the butt when you're trying to escape a rain storm or worse.

I've realized that I have been focusing a bit too much on security for myself while negating the convenience aspect of being around people. I had good reasons as to why, but it also made me feel more lonely as time went on. Figuring out how I can best protect myself while trying to be more personable is a goal for next year.

The last thing I have learned throughout this year is that I cannot force myself to write. This was something I did a lot when I did freelance writing. No words being put on a digital sheet of paper meant no money to keep living. The downside to this was a major loss in quality and originality, something I would attribute to why I lost many assignments and gigs throughout my freelancing life.

Despite wanting to write as I mentioned earlier, I had no motivation or desire to force myself to pull words out of thin air. I realized that I still haven't fully recovered my writing skills to a point where I felt like I could start posting stuff regularly again. I don't know if writing will become a part of me as it once was years back, but I still have that desire to get my thoughts out there in the world. Maybe some writing rehabilitation through practice prompts and journals will help in the new year.

Who are the people that came through for you this year?

I have to give a big thank you to my family who helped me through some difficult times throughout the year. Also worthy of thanks are my therapist, the people who I talk to on BlueSky and Mastodon, and some close friends.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Super Mario RPG

I remember playing the Super Nintendo version of Super Mario RPG and being charmed by its story, characters, and music. The recent remaster for the Switch only amps the charm. I spent a good couple of weeks playing and growing attached to the characters and wanting to see how the story went. When the 'the end' screen came up, I almost started a new playthrough. I may pick this game back in 2024 just to experience the joy again.

Unpacking

A game about unpacking various items and placing them throughout various rooms? Seem a bit tedious for a game, but it works so well. You're being told a story of a person through various moves during their and items. The varying locations and amount of items to place give you an idea of where this person is in their life and dreams and hopes. An idea that seems crazy when you read the description, but works so well when you play it.

Satisfied Mind by Jon Regan

When this song came up during my Discover Weekly on Spotify back in the Summer, it hit me in such a way that I cannot fully express. The lyrics of the song are a guide to what I hope to accomplish down the road.

Honorable Mentions: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom; The Case of the Golden Idol; Amen by The Heavy; Ancient DOS Games on YouTube; the Unf*ck series of books by Dr Faith G Harper; The Honjin Murders by Seishi Yokomizo.

What will you be leaving behind in 2023?

I don't have a really good answer for this prompt. A lot of the issues that came up in 2023 are going to continue into the coming year. At least I have some ideas to make them more bearable as I hope to leave them in 2024.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2023?

Originally, I was going to put [REDACTED] for the various items I hope to accomplish. This allows me to claim whatever I do in the coming year as one of the items on the list. Ultimately, I decided to scrap this idea for the time being. Instead, here is a small list of items I hope to work on in 2024.

Exercise: I was able to do a bit of exercise for a fair chunk of 2023 and it made me feel better both in terms of physical and mental health. Then I stopped doing it for various reasons, and my health has taken a bit of a tumble. Getting an Apple Watch for Christmas has reignited my desire to get back into exercising. Going to start slow to get myself back into it before I start to ratch it up.

Money Stuff: I made some headway on this at the start of the year by monitoring how money was being spent. That's all I got to without starting to set up a plan and I just ended up not monitoring it. This would prove to be a bad idea as unexpected issues came up such as replacing the front suspension on my car and draining my bank account. I'm going to start back monitoring my money, along with figuring out a plan to where I can cut back on some spending items and start stashing more money.

A new gaming computer: I was able to finally replace my old MacBook Pro with a new MacBook Air. It is really nice in terms of size, performance, and quietness. Now, I need to figure out a replacement for my current gaming PC. It is getting up there in age and will shut off when playing newer games. Whether I decide to build one or do a pre-built from somewhere is up in the air at the moment.

There are some other goals I would to accomplish like finding some time to travel and working towards a new car, but these depend on various factors like trying to find a new job to jump-start them.

I thought 2023 would be the year where I would be able to make some progress in various areas. But it turned it to be one of the toughest years to date. There are many things I haven't mentioned either because they were too personal or I am still working out how to talk about them. I find it tough to be hopeful at the end of this year and to look forward to the next considering what lies ahead - the next presidential election being a key item.

But I do know that I want 2024 to be an improvement over 2023, and to get there, I need to put in a fair amount of work. But also give myself time to rest and comprehend. The Christmas break for me has been spending a lot of time sleeping to try and regain some sort of energy,

Fingers crossed that 2024 works out.

[soft-epilogue-continues]

5.10.23

Ok so I got nothing done yesterday except the project update and filing my nails. In my defense, the novel-length fic I was reading was really good and brought me lots of joy.

I have spent the past half an hour working on my own fic so that I could get it out of my system, though this has made me even more excited to work on it and I hope I can keep that excitement up this evening. With any luck I'll be able to edit this chapter and post it tonight!

Also in my defense of yesterday's zero output, I started looking for a new job, which I do every once in a while when the ennui gets to be too much.

My thought is that if I transition away from being a software engineer and go to being a product manager I would have all the same bullshit I'm dealing with now but with none of the inferiority anguish I feel from being a shit programmer. I have a few options in this regard:

Apply for a product manager role I don't necessarily want just to have the interviewing practice and see if I can get such a job.

Attempt to transition to a similar role at my current company to see if I even like it.

Put my nose to the grindstone and become a better programmer even though every bone in my body is screaming that while I am capable of this, I do not want to do this.

At the moment I want to do option 2 though I suppose I should also make more of an effort at option 3. Regardless I think I'm giving myself until next March for a few reasons:

I don't want to give back my new work laptop and it will officially become mine in March 2024.

All of my stock options will have vested by then and I will have had the opportunity to exercise as much of them as possible (need to get on this this year actually so taxes are less of a headache).

I will have gone through another review cycle which, according to my last one, means I might get promoted if I get my ass in gear since the only thing holding me back is how slowly I deliver completed projects, a fixable thing.

The length of time will give me a chance to "design my work life" (as per that book of the same name that I will be going through) and see, in the most risk-averse way possible, if I even like the work required of a product manager. To that end there are a few things I can start doing now that I know of without even going through that book's work sheets, such as attending my working group's assessment meeting tomorrow and maybe checking out the work done by the current product team, of which I am not 100% certain that we even have one as such. All of this I will record in the incredible Japanese notebook/bullet journal with my incredible Japanese pen (pictured above) that I bought on my work trip to Tokyo two weeks ago (just another thing to be grateful for about this job - I get to go on awesome trips!)

Ok! Enough outlining grand plans, the to do list!

Work:

Quantitative experiment analysis

Qualitative analysis

Phone roaming charges reimbursement I have checked on this and I have not yet been charged for international stuff

Work trip photos, part 1 Done though I will take a break here and actually share them with my coworkers another time, I've spent enough time on this today

Read the assessment before tomorrow's meeting

Investigate the product team

Go through mountain of receipts for reimbursements

Registration form for upcoming all company meet up

Personal Admin/Life:

Exercise

Cook dinner

Health expenses substantiation

Budget

Personal Creative:

Work on fic #1

Work on digital painting

Self portrait?

Volunteering!!! (I am so behind on this. This is actually a programming project of the computational linguistics variety which is its own possible career exploration, not to mention actually interesting, so I can't neglect this!)

[usedtobeyours]

oh, well, here we go. super fucking weird dream

hey, hey, havent written in a while. will just let it out.

today has been a fucking good trip. i woke up overwhelmed by a fucking complete dream. been through therapy and work, and afterwork beer. has been alright, but dont wanna forget the dream.

it started with this fucked up reality where, three years later, i'd get my corona graduation. weird, if you think about how yesterday was the 15th of march, 2023. so, three years ago, i'd ve mastered miami ad.

imma try not to edit myself that much moving forward.

so, about that dream.

it started weird. graduating.

as i came into miami ad school - a whole new mas, and let me tell you, it was a different layout. not the entrance, in my dream at least.

i saw fucking tadeu schimdt. but i think we can overlook that. he was the desk person, checking in new graduates for the FUCKING ceremony that took three years to come.

in my dreams, it happened. good enough, i guess? okay, getting past my current big brother thing. i came in and the first person i saw was Shannon. She was sweet, and said hi, and handed me a plate of burger king food as it was a brand gift to all graduates.

i came in, and said hi to people. and by people i mean all the not right placely ones: bruna(s) from college, ursula, dilson (????wtf i hadnt thought about him in forever?). thats all i remember there. and then i went to the bathroom and they took my food away.

then i remember going back to shannon in a fast-food like counter with other employees. she put my plate back up in small, bite size burgers and salads. so many salads. this is important for therapy reasons.

then I go back to the cocktail party, and I remember being chatting with someone, and smoking a tabacco joint, and my mom coming by and seeing it with me. i remember saying: yup, you know i smoke this, but also...idk, traumatic repressive shit.

okay, i think at this point i woke up and tried to sleep again, so we went back to the dream.

at this point, i remember being at miami ad school, but a different location, a different class layout. and then i'm not sure of the order of this happening:

i met my godmom and for some reason she was taking some kind of losing weight drug that helped her (she was in class #3 after the mess). she had lost about 10 pounds and was about as mean as she ever was/though nothing towards me so I guess win?

i remember seeing bruno but he didn't see me. fitting. it was as if we're both in the waiting room to something and i'm trying to get his attention but nothing there.

there was a WEIRD class. i remember being in this class in an open room with other students (at least 20). nothing like mas, but also something that could only work there. we were having online class, with the teacher speaking on a headphone mic, but he was there. i dont remember specifically, but we had a PCD in class. what i do remember is the teacher being super specifically gross towards our fellow student, and us bringing it up to MAS direction and teachers and it being noticed. that would be a first, but still. I guess the way i remember is terrible and the way i feel about it everytime is bad enough, but no.

okay, moving on to step two of the fucking weird journal this dream was:

i guess three of those i spoke about in therapy. one not, because it's fuzzy and dreamy. like this dream should be:

i think isabelle came up at one point of the dream. cant be too sure. i think she was living in miami, and we were trying to find the nail salon together in the rain - or i think that was just me and she was a feature as a safespace in the dream.

i remember roaming in miami and waiting for the people i love (including dani) to finish their classes at MAS. at this point, as I was roaming, i remember: - this one weird lady coming up with a gun - not a gun, um fuzil - at this corner fashion shop at MAS. I think someone shot her back and I do think I got this from a videogame, but still. Weird. - this one homeless guy attacking me as i walked with one of my friends back to MAS, or through MIA. I called on the police on time, and they helped. - okay, not sure where this point of the dream falls in, but i think i was sitting in the middle of edgewater/wynwood with someone, and I left my backpack back. and I went on. a couple of meters ahead, someone said, go back and get it, and i did.

in my dream, miami could be either MAS or a videogame location. a scary place. maybe i shoudnt be watching last of us too much but yeah. i was either walking around and in danger or coming back home.

MAS was at a weird, soooo sicked up street. there were bars, a restaurant, a store, etc. oh gosh, there's so much in this dream...

[tryst-art-archive]

Old dA Journal from Feb 2005

I deleted all my dA Journal entries a million years ago, but there are a couple saved into notepads in my archives. Like this one, which frankly reflects poorly on me!

I'm editing out the names, but otherwise this is intact.

Just Waiting to Hit Rock Bottom Journal Entry: Fri Feb 11, 2005, 4:00 PM Mood: Calm, Tranquil | Music: Enya (Random Thought: Is her real name 'Enya' or is that just something she made up for herself?)

Things are slowly worsening and I'm simply waiting for my face to hit the ground so that the only place I might go is up again. Or perhaps Kriamiss will help me up? (Alas, no… That is foolish hope.)

But I suppose I should explain a little.

On the bad side, the voting for the end-of-school awards of 'Most Artistic' and 'Best Smile' and so forth was cast today. Three classes did not vote simply because the teachers of those classes neglected to hand out the slips and have the voting done. One such class was mine. Which - understandably - thoroughly angered me for several reasons. My anger was fed by the fact that the voting has been the only (and I do mean only) thing my peers have talked of since second period (and we have seven periods with a lunch after the fifth). Further, it seems the most votes I've aquired to my goal of Most Artistic is about three, possibly five, if I got lucky. Generally, the populace has forgotten that [deadname] draws incessantly and remembered only [artistic classmate] - whom, I might add, is stating repeatedly (and I'm not making this up) that I'm the better artist and should be the one with the votes. In fact, [artistic classmate] voted for me. Okay, I'm feeling a bit more charitable to the girl, certainly. My mood from yesterday has passed. Though I still don't like her due to her positively disagreeable personality.

However, there is still hope! Rumor has it that [a teacher] ripped up the voting slips and that the school will either have to revote or will simply cut the whole awards thing. And I hope the latter. I'm thorougly aware that I stand no chance of winning the Most Artistic award and I'd rather see no one get it, really.

It's selfish of me, I know. If I had been given chance to vote I would have put myself as the female and [different artistic student] (a particularly good artist and fellow, I should mention) as the male. And it's so silly, my brain cries! I shouldn't even care, honestly! And yet I do! The thought of winning the award is enough to set me doing happy backflips, but the thought of loosing it (and to [first artistic student], of all people) is enough to bring me to the edge of tears (something I've thankfully saved myself from on the bus several times). I don't know why, but that award means a lot to me, and the only reason I can fathom is that it must (in my subconcious) symbolize achievement in one of the only things I'm good at - art. That people would recognize me for my art and not for my brains or kindness or anything else. That they'd say, "Oh, art? Well, there's this girl named [deadname] who's pretty skilled." Perhaps I only care as it would give me the feeling that I really will ammount to something.

But it seems not. I suppose I will be the poor bum on the street as I've predicted so many of my peers to become… sigh

But, perhaps, there is a way to redeem myself. It seems the yearbook is looking for anything and everything it can get it's hands on, including original artwork. Perhaps I'll submit something or several somethings, just to redeem myself and make them see the art and go 'Shit… We voted for the wrong girl' and feel positively horrible.

Of course, that's just sense of revenge talking. (I think I have an overdeveloped sense of revenge.)

Still on the bad news, it turns out [close friend who abused me] finds the idea of homosexuality positively… wrong. And that's unsettling. I knew she would probably find the idea discomforting, but I didn't think she'd ever freak out as badly as she did. My stomach is still tied up. I'm torn between my love for [close friend who abused me] - as she is my friend - and my positively immense disgust that I could even be friends with someone who would think of being gay in such a manner. sighs

But, on other news, I still lack a History teacher (she's been gone since Christmas break) but my class and I got to sit in [different teacher than before]'s (my social studies teacher from last year and by far one of my favorite teachers of all time, simply because I love his cynical, I-hate-the-world personality) class for that period. A lovely flash from the past, I think. I begin to think [same teacher] likes reptiles. He has at least three Frog statuettes and he has two newly-aquired turtle statuettes. But the turtles are cute. Oh, and he still has that splendid Government poster that explains different sorts of governments in terms of cows. (Ex: I remember one of the descriptions (and my favorite one, by far) was "You have two cows. The government takes the cows and shoots you.") I wish I had a poster like that.

My French Teacher, [third teacher] is presently in the hospital. I'm not sure why, but rumor has it that she had a stroke. And of course, all of us students are (cruelly) celebrating. But, really, we hate her. Ah well. I suppose she'll pull through in the end, anyway.

On an Art-for-DA note, I promise, promise that - once I take care of the rest of the internet things I've to do - I will upload, if only in scraps. But even so, it may prove interesting, hm?

And - with any luck - I'll be able to finish something sometime soon and upload that.

Oh, I'm such a terrible person to Dev Watch sometimes…

"But don't worry… It's okay… Because I'll come back."

PS -

I suppose I should explain why I'm not a complete wreck of mixed, crossed, and conflicting emotion. Honestly, I don't know myself. It seems that I'm sad, or perhaps angry, to the point where I feel completely empty. Whatever happiness I've experienced throughout the day is - for some reason - being put into a surprisingly realistic mask to wear for my parents and give them the happy thought that I'm open with them. Admittedly, I did tell my mum of the Artistic award, but she'd have found out later, anyway, and - besides - I didn't tell her how desperate I am for it. But I'm off topic.

For some reason, I'm completely calm and tranquil, and I'm not sure why. I suppose, and foolishly, I'm sure, that it's just that I'm listening to meditative Enya and am empty enough to have that hole filled with emotion stirred by music. Aside, it may also have something to do with the bus ride. The window of the seat I sit in is permanently cracked open. It's snowy out and the wind has been blowing the snow in delicate clouds. I was listening to Enya on the bus, too.

And then the most picturesque scene I could ever hope to occur to me happened.

The CD launched into one of the most tranquil Enya songs it has, it may have been "Wild Child", but I'm not sure anymore. At the same time, warm, soft sunlight shone through the window and onto me and the wind blew flakes of snow through the crack in the window and they landed on me softly…

And I instantly felt peace.