#And this entire movie is like a huge gender envy

[followthemadrabbit]

⸽⸽T⸽⸽h⸽⸽e⸽⸽ ⸽⸽G⸽⸽e⸽⸽n⸽⸽t⸽⸽l⸽⸽e⸽⸽m⸽⸽e⸽⸽n⸽⸽

ᴅɪʀ. ɢᴜy ʀɪᴛᴄʜɪᴇ

[girldigital]

I'm not very good at maintaining a presence here which is good.

Yesterday I got higher than expected and  got visited by these thoughts I often keep buried deep.

I tweeted:

“Do you think it’s cool to have grown up ugly and insane but to have become beautiful and good at being normal and to marry knowing you tricked your partner into getting into a union with a monster.

i will pretend for you but the horror i feel when i think about if you were to see through the blinds”

Why is it that I don’t believe what I’ve become? Like I’ve hijacked someone else’s life that wasn’t meant for me. I think about the movie Us a lot. More than I should probably. Besides the grander implications of it which I think unfortunately do reflect the way capitalism has rotted our world and turned it into genetic lottery, I often feel like I’m not in the right place. This wasn't the life predetermined for this arab muslim girl.

I’ve always had a fascination with shapeshifters – Ditto, Mystique, Kirby. Their ability to become anything they want when they please has always been such a draw to me. I used to attribute it to me being a Gemini but I think it goes deeper than that. That demon used to say that was because I had no real sense of self and that I was confused. As much as he probably said that to further belittle me, I don't think he was entirely wrong. I’ve come to realize that, while I dropped my dreams of becoming an actor professionally, much of my life has turned into acting in all facets, and I’m not sure where the line between authenticity and performing is anymore. Maybe I never knew.

It saddens me to think about just how awfully I think of myself. I like to think that I am a confident person, knowing my worth and what I bring to the table. However, once I get into that state of mind and these sort of intrusive thoughts come to the forefront, I can’t help but realize that these are very real feelings I harbor about myself.

I’ve always been a pretty self-deprecating person. I think growing up the butt of the joke, you kind of have to take the bull by its horns in order to have some sort of control over the narrative. What’s interesting is that I don’t even think I technically need to do that anymore.

Before, I knew I was othered. Of course, probably a lot of it was made bigger in my head than it was in reality, but I was always a bit different.

I was quirky, as much as I hate to say it. Uneven bangs, crooked teeth and permanent dark circles was how you could spot me. I always had a bit of an eclectic sense of style, having breakdowns in the shower wondering what sub-category of fashion could I possibly fall under: Skater? Emo? Preppy? Never being enough for each, I always felt lost.

I never had a tribe to cling on to, always floating and morphing according to my surroundings and who I was interested in pleasing at the time.

While I was very clumsy at first, just like any skill you hone with time, I actually became pretty proeficient at it. It took very long and multiple different iterations, some more successful than others before I got to where I am.

All my life, I thought I couldn’t have the life I secretly was hoping for – both due to all the restrictions that were imposed onto me.

I had given up my fate to one of obediency and surrender. I wasn’t strong enough to fight for what I longed for and I was content with what I had, thanks to the amazing friends I was lucky enough to cross paths with and to my somewhat niche interests which I could find solace in by myself.

I used to say I was often alone but never lonely. I always enjoyed my own presence. While I felt envy towards the extroverted and popular girls, the more you grow the more you realize when something isn’t for you and it makes no sense to crave it if

Anyway, I think this conversation also ties in with gender and sexuality unfortunately. It’s a huge mess that needs untangling and I’ve been avoiding doing so for so long. It’s like that one scene in H*rry P*tter with the baby Voldemort in a room. I simply do not want to have to deal with it so I keep the door closed.

Like I said, I’ve always wanted to be the pretty extroverted girl. When it became obvious to me that I was very bad at playing that part, despite the efforts that were consuming my every day, I started settling in what came more naturally to me. I presented a bit more androgynously and, though many would like to disagree, in a way that’s less desirable. I started finding empowerment in not blending in, in making up my own rules and defying what was asked of me, as a woman.

However, while I found self-love, I also found a new form of self-disgust. One caused by knowing I was undesirable to others. One that couldn’t associate sex appeal with the mockery I had made out of myself. I’ve always considered myself to be bisexual, but coming from where I am from, that’s often harder to put into practice than I’d like to. I know I’m not straight; I’ve felt it my entire life. It’s just that the muslim self-hatred associated with that, the trauma of m**********, male validation and just compulsory heterosexyality is a very tough combo to fight.

Especially when all you’ve grown up with is heterosexual aspirations, heterosexual porn, hetero hetero hetero.

Anyway, I’ll try to wrap it up since I already wrote a lot and am literally at work lol.

Ever since I started having sex, I’ve felt like a fraud. I know a lot of it is the guilt speaking, but even with that aside. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, skinny, blonde, desirable, thinking about how merely a year before I was heavy, had short hair, acne, and was overall just ugly. How the guy I was sleeping with would probably never have laid eyes on me had our paths crossed merely a year prior, and now here I am using him for sex. It was a strange place to get to in my life, for I never expected that I could actually land where I am.

In a way, I felt sort of like a villain. Like the king in Shrek, living his entire life as a lie, knowing he was a frog all a long, and perhaps not destined for the greatness and access he achieved. Crazy how there’s an allegory reflected in animation for every situation in life, it’s so funny. Anyway, this situation is also reminiscent of something far more sinister, but I cannot recall the reference.

In sum, I do feel like a witch, who’s taken control of this girl’s beautiful body and who’s playing the part of a cool girl despite being an absolute dork underneath. I wasn’t born cool and beautiful, I just learned to be.

[blossom-hwa]

Skipping Stones - KEVIN

This was the second full scenario I ever finished for The Boyz and I think it was pretty nice to start with some soft Kevin :D THANK YOU KAI FOR LETTING ME YELL TO YOU ABOUT THIS ONE I HOPE IT LIVES UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS. 

Anyway! Happy (slightly early but only by a couple hours??) birthday to one of the best boys in the world, the one and only wonderful beautiful lovely Kevin Moon! I hope you all enjoy this <3 please reblog if you did!

Pairing: Kevin x gender neutral!reader

Genre: fluff, teacher!au

Triggers: cursing, alcohol

Word Count: 7.8k

Falling in love with you, Kevin thinks, is a bit like skipping stones. 

Alternatively:

Five times Kevin felt himself falling deeper in love with you, and the one time he knew he was gone.

TBZ Masterlist | Touching Stars | Breathe, and Live

prelude.

Kevin knows he exists to be clowned. His sister says it’s something about his face – there’s something undeniably meme-y about his reactions, apparently, that makes him very clownable. His students tell him it’s in his demeanor – he comes off as pretty chill, according to them, which makes him easy to tease because they know he’ll react in some hilarious way, but it won’t affect him too deeply.

(Changmin just says he’s stupid, which makes him clownable to the highest degree, but Kevin refuses to take information from the teacher who still scares him every other week with whichever horror movie mask has recently caught his fancy.)

So Kevin knows he’s just a clownable human being, and he’s resigned himself to that fate for the rest of his life. But around you? His calm, collected, hilarious, wonderful partner? He expected a little less clownery and a little more loving.

“Oh, come on,” you laugh, trying to get Kevin to turn around. Honestly, he’s already feeling the effects of withdrawal from not seeing your smile for more than a few minutes, but he refuses to budge, lips curved downwards in a semi-permanent pout. He knows he won’t be able to keep this up for long (he’ll miss looking at your face too much, and really, he can’t be mad at you about anything), but he can make a scene. “Kevin!”

“You’re so mean,” he whines, still resisting your efforts to make him look at you. “I just poured out a very embarrassing part of my childhood to you and instead of comforting me, you laugh?” His pout deepens. “I don’t know why we’re dating.”

Your hands leave the back of his shoulders. For a second, Kevin thinks you’ve given up and he’s about to start whining about that too, but then you appear in front of him, fingers clasped placatingly. “All right, all right, Kevin.” Still grinning, you grab his hands. “I won’t tease anymore. But seriously, how could you expect me not to laugh my ass off when you told me you learned to skip stones for the –” you make jazz hands, presumably to emphasize your point – “aesthetic?”

Kevin sticks his lip out childishly. “I didn’t think it was that funny,” he mumbles.

“It’s not, not really.” You squeeze his hands. “But it’s a move that’s got Kevin Moon stamped all over it.” As if to accentuate your point, you snort. “Of course you’d learn to skip stones for the aesthetic.”

“Y/N,” he whines.

“Fine, fine, I’ll stop.” Your teasing grin melts into an eager smile. “Hey, teach me?”

“Right now?”

“Why not?”

It feels like Kevin’s physically crumbling to pieces with the way your hopeful voice and sparkling eyes just attack him from all angles. Grudgingly, the deep pout on his lips stretches into a smile, the starstruck smile that all of his friends like to tease him for. “Fine, let’s go.”

He spends the rest of the afternoon stepping around small children and younger couples, trying to find suitable rocks for skipping and teaching you the right angles, the right stance, the right way to hold the stone in your hand before sending it into the water. You learn fast, something he envies – where it took him at least a couple of weeks to perfect the art, you (mostly) pick it up in a matter of hours – but he can’t feel too jealous or too bad when you look up at him after your stone skips once on the water. “Kevin, I did it!” You shake him slightly. “Did you see that?”

The softest smile spreads across Kevin’s face as he kisses your forehead softly “Yeah, I did.”

When he pulls away, you give him the brightest grin before scrambling away to find more stones to skip. Kevin just watches, taking in the way your figure looks against the setting sun, bright gold and pale pink light streaming over your body, almost making you glow.

This is why he fell in love with you, he thinks. Your character, your tenacity, the way you throw yourself into every task you’ve been assigned so that you can complete it as best as you can. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to treat a new cancer case at the hospital or trying to skip a stupid rock across the water. You always give it your all.

Idly, Kevin picks up a stone of his own. With a practiced flick of his wrist, it goes sailing onto the lake, skipping three, four, five times before sinking beneath the surface.

Falling in love with you is a bit like skipping stones, he thinks, watching the stone disappear from sight. Someone had to force him into that first blind date with you, much like making the first toss of the stone into the water, but every skip after that was quick, effortless, the way he felt himself falling for you, step by stumbling step, until his heart finally gave in and sank below the waves of your warmth.

It’s hard to imagine a time when he wasn’t in love with you, even though such a time did at one point exist. But the way you make him feel with the smallest things you do – the way you scrunch your eyebrows in confusion, the way you rest your chin on your hand in thought – it feels like he’s known you for an eternity and loved you even longer, loved you before time existed.

Your stone skips twice across the water and you shout with joy, racing up to Kevin to celebrate. He catches you when you leap at him, arms wrapping around your waist automatically, smiling into your shining face. Yes, he thinks, he’s in love.

He’s so in love with you.

. . . . .

i.

Kevin, by all definitions of the word, is panicking.

He’s been dreading this blind date for almost a month now, circling the day on his calendar and marking it D-Day, begging Jacob and Changmin to come along and hide in case he needs to be bailed out, relentlessly praying that he’ll be able to leave the stupid date in one piece.

(Look, as much as he appreciates Mrs. Park’s kindness and her brownies, she can be… a little overbearing. To say the least.)

Just a few hours ago, he was putting on his yellow sweater and bemoaning the existence of his pushy coworker. Just a few hours ago, he was lamenting his fate to his two friends (friends is a term he will use loosely for today – all they did was laugh at him). Just a few hours ago, he was cursing the existence of Mrs. Park and her brownies for getting him locked into this date with her sister’s kid. Wait, was it her sister? Or her brother?

(“Yes, her sister,” Changmin says, rolling his eyes. “Pay more attention, won’t you, Kev?”

Kevin groans. “Why couldn’t either of you be chosen by Mrs. Park, huh? Why me?”

“Because I have a partner and Jacob is good at disappearing.” Changmin grins that evil, evil grin he always has on just before he’s about to execute a prank on someone (usually Kevin).

“More like the two of you are good at leaving me to fend for myself against Mrs. Park, even though you know I can’t say no to shit,” Kevin grumbles.

“Give up her brownies,” Jacob suggests.

Kevin gasps. “No way in hell.”)

But now, he’s actually sitting across from you in a café not too far from his apartment, holding a cup of coffee between his (visibly shaking) hands. And he can’t even think of why he was dreading this date so much because you’re just… really, really perfect.

Why are you so sweet? he’s screaming inside. Why are you so funny? Why are you literally the perfect mix of snark and kindness and just – everything?

“So my aunt told me you work with her,” you say, seemingly oblivious to Kevin’s jitters. The smile on your face is really sending electricity racing through his heart. “I know the children must be fun, but I know she can be a bit… overbearing.” There’s a hint of apology in your eyes, like you know your aunt must have pressured him into this and you’re sorry that he had to come on a date with you.

Kevin’s stomach flip-flops. Okay, so Mrs. Park maybe did severely pressure and sweetly blackmail Kevin into a blind date. But Kevin also doesn’t want you to feel bad for it because it’s not your fault at all, so as usual, when he finds himself in a tight spot, his mouth decides it’s time to run.

“No, your aunt is really nice,” he starts. “I really mean it – she’s always very kind to the kids and to the rest of us teachers. I’m still kind of new compared to the rest of them – I’ve only been at the school for a few years now – but she helped me feel welcome that first year when I was still figuring things out. And she also likes Beyonce! You know, the greatest female artist there is? She let me play my entire playlist of Beyonce songs for her last year and she liked every single one of them!”

Kevin’s babbling now. Rambling. Whatever he wants to call it. His brain is screaming for him to stop talking but his mouth won’t stop running because this is what he does when he’s nervous. He talks. Endlessly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the table where Changmin and Jacob are situated in case they need to rescue him from mental or physical harm. The top of Changmin’s head is barely visible behind a huge menu so Kevin can barely see his friend, but somewhere in his babbling haze, he notices a phone camera poking out from behind the menu.

If he wasn’t blushing before, he definitely is now.

Finally, his mouth listens to his brain and he trails off on his last thought on why Beyonce is the best artist in the entire world. There’s a second of silence.

“Sorry,” Kevin finally squeaks. “I… tend to ramble when I get nervous. Or when I talk about Beyonce.”

Your smile flashes even wider. Kevin is torn between wanting to melt into the ground out of embarrassment and staying upright to keep seeing that grin on your face. 

“Don’t be sorry,” you laugh, fiddling with your cup of coffee. “I thought it was cute.”

Kevin’s face burns so much that he misses what you say next. “Sorry?”

You grin. “I’m always interested in hearing about a new artist to add to my playlist.”

Kevin lets out a theatrical gasp. “You don’t have Beyonce in your music library?”

A sheepish look spreads across your face. “… No?”

“Oh my God.” Kevin pulls out his phone. “Okay, I’m about to educate you on the artist of our time.”

The afternoon, then, passes in a flash. Changmin and Jacob eventually just up and exit the café (presumably with enough blackmail to last the rest of Kevin’s life – he knows he was acting like a complete fool, but luckily, you didn’t seem to care), leaving him alone with you. Under any other circumstances, he probably would’ve started crying, but you’re so sweet and so interesting that Kevin thinks he could stay and talk to you in this café forever.

He learns you’re an oncologist at a nearby children’s hospital, that even though the work is hard and tiring and sometimes overwhelmingly depressing, the strength of the children and the families you work with inspire you to keep going every day. He learns that you don’t have too much of a sweet tooth (though you won’t say no to ice cream or cheesecake, both of which he notes in his head), he learns that you love coffee, and he learns that you like to take walks in the park whenever you have a little bit of free time.

He also learns that you’re snarky, intelligent, driven, hardworking. He learns that you’re something far beyond the beauty of your face – that underneath your skin, there’s a heart that’s warmer than the sun.

Kevin understands that this is only the first date and that he maybe shouldn’t be making judgments so quickly. But he’s been told that he’s a relatively good judge of character, and the genuine look in your eyes when you talks speaks volumes about the person deep inside.

Even though you live further away, Kevin takes the bus with you to your home, citing that it’s only polite to walk one’s date to the door (in reality, he just wants to spend a little more time with you). As the bus rattles along the road, Kevin lets you listen to the songs on his phone, delighting in the way your head bobs to the beat of his favorite tracks.

Kevin’s a bit sad when you reach your apartment, sad that your time together is over for the day. He lingers outside the building for a moment, trying to work up the courage to ask about a second date.

Suddenly, you lean forward. Kevin jerks back – he briefly wonders if you’re trying to kiss him – but you just pat a spot on his sweater, frowning slightly at your fingers. “Is that… paint?”

Oh my God.

Kevin tugs the material of his sweater forward so he can see the spot you’re pointing at. Sure enough, there’s a small patch of red paint on the yellow fuzz. He groans. “I didn’t even notice.”

“Well, that’s what people like us get for working with children.” You roll your eyes comically, and Kevin bursts into laughter that’s definitely too loud for the small joke you made. Then silence falls again.

You break it. “Listen, Kevin.”

He perks up. “Hmm?”

“I’ll admit, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to this date because my aunt has been trying to set me up with people my age for several years now.” For the first time today, you look shy. “She was probably really pushy with you too, so I’m sorry about that. But I really enjoyed this afternoon.” You meet Kevin’s eyes. “If you’d like, I’d love to go on a second date.”

Kevin’s heart explodes. It really does. Sheer excitement courses through his veins, and he has to stop himself from smiling widely enough to mimic a god damn clown. “I’d love that,” he says trying to hide how eager he really is. “Um, I’ll say that I wasn’t exactly looking forward to this either, mostly because my experience with blind dates has had… limited success. But I’m really glad I met you. You’re a wonderful person.”

Your smile grows wider at Kevin’s admission. “Thank you, Kevin. You’re wonderful too.”

“Do you kiss on the first date?” he blurts out because his brain has no filter. Then he backtracks. “Um, it’s totally okay if you don’t, I was just asking, please don’t think I’m a creep –”

You briefly press your lips to his. Kevin shuts up.

When you break away, Kevin honestly thinks you’re glowing. “Does that answer your question?” you ask, bravely trying to hide something – is that embarrassment? Whatever it is, he thinks it’s adorable.

Kevin blushes. “Yes.”

People probably think he’s insane with the way he’s smiling on the bus ride back to his apartment. He can’t help it, though – the tingling touch of your lips, gentle against his, plays over and over in his mind, along with memories of your lovely voice and your lovely smile and your lovely, lovely disposition. Some people are giving him weird looks, and Jacob and Changmin are sure to tease him to no end when he comes in to work tomorrow.

But who cares? Kevin’s got a second date in the works with one of the most wonderful people he’s ever met.

In his mind, he’s on top of the world.

. . . . .

ii.

Usually, when Kevin gets lucky and scores a second date or a third, he suggests taking his date somewhere with children to gauge how they feel about small toddlers tearing up the place. Children are a huge part of Kevin’s life – he teaches elementary school and knows he wants kids when he gets a bit older – so one of the silent standards he’s set for potential significant others is that they have to like and be good with children.

You work at a children’s hospital, Kevin knows, so you must at least be good with kids, even if you might not like them (hey, it’s possible – Kevin has known many people who are good at things they hate). That fulfills half of the standard. He just needs to gauge the other half.

There aren’t many events at the school coming up, though – no plays, no art exhibitions, nothing he can really invite you to. He’s racking his brains for a third date somehow involving children when you unexpectedly call him about an event at the hospital.

“I know it’s last minute,” you apologize profusely, “but the guy who was supposed to come today for the kids’ music hour called in sick. I don’t want to cancel the event because they always look forward to it and I know you play the piano – would it be possible for you to fill in?”

It is possible, it turns out. He may not be able to pack his Yamaha upright into the back of your car, but he does have an electronic keyboard that fits into your trunk. The whole way there, you’re apologizing, but between reassurances that it’s totally fine, Kevin can’t help but anticipate how you’ll act around the children once the two of you arrive.

Setting up takes more time than he’d like (the extension cord that comes with his keyboard is too short, so you disappear on a twenty-minute manhunt for a longer one while Kevin just stands there awkwardly), which makes him feel slightly like a burden on the rest of your coworkers. They’re so polite, though, so genuine and kind, that Kevin eventually starts to feel more at ease.

(He’s still endlessly grateful when you return, extension cord clasped victoriously in one hand.)

Then the kids start trickling in, and Kevin’s heart immediately both breaks and melts. Some are in wheelchairs, others have lost their hair, but they’re all smiling with so much excitement, chattering to their parents and the staff around them as they settle on beanbags and pillows on the floor. Several look at him curiously and he smiles at them, prompting several questions about who he is, why there’s a keyboard and not a guitar, and why the normal guy isn’t here.

“The usual guy got sick and couldn’t come,” Kevin says to one sweet girl with chubby cheeks and shining eyes. “I’m just here to replace him for a day.”

“Do you play the piano?” she asks, shyly pointing at the keyboard, which more than a few curious souls are standing around.

Kevin smiles. “Yes, I do.” He would say more, maybe offer to show her the instrument a little, but then you’re walking over, and her eyes brighten. “Dr. L/N!” she cheers.

With a loud laugh, you swoop her up carefully, cradling the girl against your shoulder. “How are you, Daeun?” you ask, lips spread in a smile that Kevin knows can’t be faked.

The girl – Daeun – grins. “I’ve been good!” she announces proudly. “Are we going to start soon?”

You laugh again, settling her back down on the floor. Kevin thinks his heart melts with the way your eyes sparkle. “Yes, we are,” you say. “I see you’ve already met Kevin?”

“Your name is Kevin?” Daeun looks at him curiously. “Your name is strange.”

Kevin has to force himself not to coo. “I was born in Canada,” he says. “My Korean name is Hyungseo.”

Daeun’s nose scrunches. “I like Kevin more,” she decides with finality.

Kevin feels brave enough to pat her on the head. “Then you can call me Kevin.”

“All right, Daeun. Go find your mom, okay? Kevin and I are going to finish setting up, and then we’ll get started.” With a soft kiss on the forehead (Kevin makes a sound he really hopes you don’t hear – the scene is just too adorable), you send the small girl off, turning back to Kevin. “Shall we get started?” you ask, grinning widely.

It may only be the third date, but he’s falling in love, Kevin thinks, falling in love with your shining face and sparkling eyes, with the way you shower love upon the children you’ve placed under your care. Right now, you’re everything he’s ever wanted in a future partner – beautiful in character, kind, gentle, fiercely loving.

His heart pounds a little faster.

Belatedly, Kevin realizes you’re waiting for a response and nods quickly. “Yeah,” he breathes, eyes glancing over the sea of children waiting (somewhat) patiently. A smile to rival yours spreads across his face. “Let’s get started.”

. . . . .

iii.

Kevin loves the last Friday of every month, he really does. It’s been tradition for several years now to go out with Changmin and Jacob on what he calls nights for “the boyz” to eat cheap food and get drunk. And no matter how much the others complain about the stupid name (Kevin will admit it sounds stupid now, but that doesn’t mean he’ll change it), he knows they enjoy the nights all the same.

Sometimes, though, Kevin just wishes he had more of a filter on his mouth. If not that, then maybe his brain could stop remembering every single dumb thing he said or did on drunk nights out. It would make his life a lot easier if he could just forget being stupid.

But no, God decided to be mean when making Kevin Moon. So Kevin, as a result, is an emotional drunk. He cries a lot when he hears about sad or adorable things, he says a lot of stupid stuff to (badly) express his overwhelming feelings, and worst of all, he remembers all of it when he wakes up hungover the next morning.

(None of this stops him from getting drunk anyway. Kevin Moon doesn’t learn lessons when it comes to alcohol. When he falls on his face (sometimes literally), he just gets up again, even if it’s with a bloody nose.)

Luckily, the night doesn’t end in chaos. Even though Jacob, who’s half of Kevin’s impulse control, leaves after an hour (he’s meeting with his family the next day, so Kevin is obligated call him a noob – it’s like a law of physics or something), Changmin doesn’t seem to be in the mood to do weird things without Jacob there to stop him, so the night passes relatively smoothly without Kevin throwing, like, a tantrum or anything.

He gets close, though. Because damn, if Changmin isn’t so fucking adorable when talking about his partner. Buried in his purple hoodie, black hair peeking softly over the top, it’s impossible for Kevin not to tear up when Changmin begins gushing over his beautiful, amazing, wonderful significant other whom he just compared to stardust.

Stardust.

Kevin wants to scream, that’s so romantic.

When you come to pick him and Changmin up, Kevin can’t resist relaying all of this to you as soon as he gets in the car. Vaguely, he thinks he should be worried about Changmin hearing it and hitting him, but the boy is mostly asleep in the back, eyes only fluttering slightly when you go over a bump or something. After Changmin gets dropped off at his apartment, Kevin turns the gushing on full force.

“Y/N, the love of my life, he called her stardust,” he’s still babbling even as you strongarm him up to his own apartment. “He’s so adorable. Changmin is so adorable. Oh my God.”

He thinks you snort. Probably. It would be a normal response. “Didn’t you call him the spawn of Satan just a few days ago?”

Definitely a snort, Kevin thinks, but he’s too invested in Changmin’s loveliness to whine about you making fun of him. “Y/N,” he pouts instead, “listen to meeeeee.”

“I’m listening, I’m listening.” You grunt, catching him just as he misses the next step and almost falls forward. “Hey, be careful.”

“’M trying.” Kevin manfully does his best to stop the world from tilting on its side. “But Changminnie.”

“Yes, yes, Changminnie.” Even drunk, Kevin can make out the playful exasperation in your voice. “Keep going.”

“Thank you, love of my life.” Kevin tries to give you a kiss but his lips hit air instead of your cheek. “Heck.”

You burst into loud laughter. “Kevin Moon, you never told me you were this adorable when drunk.”

“Changminnie,” he says more insistently.

“Okay, yes, I’m listening.” You kiss his cheek instead, and Kevin almost topples over right then and there. “Hey, you can’t fall over whenever I kiss you. Tell me about Changmin.”

Kevin starts flailing his arms around as best he can. “He’s so cute!” he half-yells. “He told me his partner was like stardust because she’s so perfect and warm, but she’s also like stardust because… because…”

His lip juts out.

“Oh, no, don’t cry, Kev.” You stop moving, then Kevin registers you bundling him into a hug, patting his head. “I know you’re a sad emotional drunk, but don’t cry.”

“Not crying,” Kevin protests, visibly crying.

“Mhm.” You pat his head one last time before letting go. “Hey, give me a second, I’m going to unlock your door.”

There’s some fumbling and a quiet snick, then Kevin obediently follows you through the door of his apartment. Once inside, you press a thumb to the side of his face, brushing a tear away. “Tell me what Changmin said to make you sad.”

“Changminnie said he’s afraid she’ll… she’ll… slip away between his fingers. Like stardust.” Kevin feels like he’s going to start sobbing any moment now. “He’s afraid she’s going to leave him eventually because she’s too perfect and he’s not good enough.”

“Oh my God.” You sit down on the couch. Kevin follows suit, albeit a lot more ungracefully as he collapses onto a cushion in a tangle of limbs. “Oh my God, that’s so sad and cute at the same time.”

“I said he should call her his star,” Kevin mumbles, turning slightly so he can burrow into your side. “Because stardust. Texted them about it. Both of them.”

Your laugh sounds like music even to the drunken haze of his brain. “Wonder what they’ll think when they see a drunken keysmash on their phones first thing tomorrow morning.”

The two of you sit in silence for a bit. Kevin feels his eyes beginning to get droopy, and he almost falls asleep before a thought strikes him with lightning force.

“I need to give you a nickname!” he almost yells, sitting bolt upright. The movement makes the room spin, but he doesn’t care. This is urgent. “Changmin’s going to call her his star, but I haven’t given you a nickname yet!”

“Kev, Kev.” You hold him by the shoulders, and he relaxes a little. “You can come up with a nickname for me in the morning. Right now, I think you need to sleep.”

“No,” he whines, shifting in your grip. “This is important. You need a nickname.” He sinks into deep, drunken thoughts, the kinds of thoughts he has when he ignores everything around him in favor of getting philosophical after having drunk too much alcohol.

Then it hits him.

“Oh my God,” he gasps. “Oh my God.” It’s his turn to grab you by the shoulders, now. “Oh my God. You’re the sun. Because I’m the moon. Get it? Kevin Moon?”

Through his drunken haze, Kevin thinks he sees you smile, maybe. It looks like a smile.

Your eyes are sparkling. You look happy.

Probably a smile.

“I’m a genius,” he whispers. A genius for coming up with the nickname and for making you happy.

“Sure, Kevin.” You grunt a little as he shifts his weight. “Come on, get up. We’ll see if you’re still a genius tomorrow if you wake up and remember all of this.”

Kevin doesn’t register much for the rest of the night, just remembers falling into his bed and forcing you to lie down next to him. The next morning, he wakes up with a throbbing headache and the vague, ever-present worry that he said something stupid last night.

You’re not in the bed with him anymore. Kevin blinks once, twice, before trying to sit up so to figure out where you went. Then he remembers you don’t live here. You probably went home.

Which is why he nearly goes into cardiac arrest when you appear in his doorway, holding a mug of coffee and a glass of water.

For a moment, the two of you just stare at each other. Kevin’s not sure what thoughts are running through your head, but he knows he’s trying to piece together what happened last night, and whether or not he should be hiding under the covers out of embarrassment.

Then it hits him.

Sun.

Moon.

Genius.

Oh, God.

Kevin wants to die.

“Morning, sunshine,” he says, using your new nickname in the desperate hope that it’ll distract you from remembering the rest of what he said last night.

A catlike smirk curls your lips as you walk over, pressing the glass of water into his hands. A feeling of dread fills Kevin’s heart as he takes it.

“Morning, genius,” you say with enough evil delight to power Changmin for a year.

Kevin groans. “I was drunk.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Your teasing smile melts into something gentler as you place your mug on the bedside table, turning to bring the glass of water in his hands to his lips. “Coffee’s mine, don’t touch it or I’ll break a bone. Drink the water. I made some breakfast, so come into the kitchen whenever you feel up to it. After you’ve brushed your teeth.”

Warmth courses through Kevin’s body, and it has nothing to do with the alcohol from last night and everything to do with how you’re here in body and mind, sweetly helping him recover from a stupid hangover even when it’s definitely not your problem to take care of and you probably have better things to do. His heart thumps, loud enough that he thinks you could probably hear it.

In this moment, Kevin doesn’t think he’s ever been more grateful for anything than you coming into his life.

“Got it.” He awkwardly tries to salute, but he does it with the hand holding the glass and the water nearly spills onto the bed. As his cheeks flush, you break into snorting giggles.

Even though it’s at his expense, Kevin thinks he would do anything, anything in the world, to keep that wonderful smile on your face and that musical laughter in the air.

. . . . .

iv.

Only when you move in together does Kevin realize just how taxing your job is. He had an idea from when you sometimes had to cancel or move around dates, but when you did meet up, you were usually energetic and cheerful. Of course, there were the token dates where you just came over to Kevin’s apartment or he came over to yours and you just flopped around for a few hours. Outside, though, you always showed a bright face.

But that was because dates were mostly on your days off or when your hours were short, and as a result, you felt good enough, energized enough to show Kevin your brilliant smile. When you first moved in together, Kevin felt a bit surprised – well, maybe not surprised, but saddened – that you didn’t have the energy to smile as brightly as he saw before.

It’s fine by Kevin, though. You smile often enough, and if your teeth don’t show as much as they used to, there’s something beautiful, something calming and sweet in the slower curve of your lips, the gentle, lethargic way you lean up for a kiss. After all, Kevin has enough energy to compensate for when you might lack some of yours.

(It helps that he can cook, he thinks. Even when the kids at school sometimes wear him out, the brief sparkle in your eye that spreads across your lips when you walk through the door to see him stirring something on the stove is more than enough to make up for it.)

You’re cute, too, when you’re tired. Though Kevin loves it when you’re energetic and ready for whatever the day has decided to throw in your path, there’s something so peaceful, so pleasant about feeling you lying lethargically against his side on the couch, scrolling through your phone or reading a book or just resting, doing nothing but breathing softly. Kevin cherishes those small moments, the soft atmosphere where he kisses your hair and you smile, reach up, and press a kiss of your own to his cheek.

Tonight is one of those nights, a night of soft, comforting silence, words few and far between. It’s been a bit warm lately, so Kevin’s elected to wear one of the tank tops he keeps for the warmer months instead of his usual sweater.

You sit next to him on the couch, back pressed to his side as you send off emails on your phone. Kevin’s working too, inputting grades on his laptop. He hums a little under his breath to take his mind off of the monotony of his task.

At some point, you finish, putting down your phone with a sigh and slumping into his ribs. Kevin starts at the sudden movement. “Sunshine,” he whines, even though he could really care less.

“Moon boy,” you parrot in the same tone of voice.

Kevin’s attention turns back to his laptop, so he barely registers you shifting on the couch to a new position. He does notice it, though, when your fingers start trailing along his skin, exposed by the lack of sleeves on his tank top, because your touch tickles.

You completely ignore his resulting twitch of surprise, only keep tracing the skin of his rib cage. Kevin looks down, confused as to what’s caught your attention.

Oh. His tattoos.

“Sunshine?” he asks softly, watching your fingers shift along his skin.

“Mm,” you hum, eyes still fixated on the ink decorating his side.

“Sleepy?”

Slowly, you shake your head, fingers paused on the image of Mickey Mouse. “Not yet.”

He goes back to inputting grades, all the while still aware of your fingers tracing the lines, the curls, the swirls of black ink along his side. When he finishes, he looks over before closing his laptop to see your eyes still focused on his skin.

Something in his heart explodes, spreading a tingly, comforting warmth throughout his body. It’s a feeling he’s come to associate with your presence, a feeling of absolute security, absolute trust, absolute warmth that comes with falling in love with you.

You look up, noticing his lack of movement. “Finished, moonbeams?”

“First moon boy, now moonbeams?” Kevin teases you lightly, picking up the hand you were using to trace his skin and pressing a soft kiss to your knuckles. Just like every other time he’s ever done it, a wide smile spreads across your face and a shyness sparkles in your eyes, as though you still can’t believe the bliss of the moment.

(At least, that’s what Kevin feels every time you do something to remind him that he’s yours.)

Your voice breaks into his thoughts. “Can’t call you moonshine, that’s an alcohol.” You shrug as best as you can in your stretched-out position. “Moonbeams, moon boy… whatever feels right.”

Kevin puts his laptop on the coffee table. As he leans back into the couch, you curl up into him, one hand still lingering against the Mickey Mouse tattoo on his side. “Tell me about these?” you ask, pressing your fingers a bit more firmly against the ink.

His tattoos are personal, serving as reminders of the past and inspiration to keep moving. Rarely does he share their meanings with anyone (not that people usually ask, because the tattoos are mostly covered by his clothes), and only with those who mean the world to him.

Kevin thinks you qualify as one of them.

Touching your shoulders, he turns you around slightly, just enough to press a short, sweet kiss to the top of your head. “Of course, sunshine.” He smiles, gazing into your eyes, feeling the warmth of your love travel through his limbs. “Which one first?”

. . . . .

v.

Kevin Moon, for the majority of his life, has hovered in between being classified as a morning person or a night owl. Yes, he gets up at six in the morning for a cup of coffee, but he also stays up past midnight doing… stuff. Grading, writing reports, watching cat videos, wasting time.

(When Changmin judges his lifestyle, Kevin just reminds him that he fell in love with his roommate’s hookup and is on a dance team with the parent of one of his students.)

Honestly, if Kevin didn’t remind himself every so often that he’s currently a full adult, his lifestyle would make him think he was still in college. He certainly still acts like it when he isn’t working. Procrastinating? Check. Crying over reports he needs to submit at three a.m.? Check. Flopping around on the floor when life is going badly? Check.

And most importantly: nonexistent sleep schedule? Check.

You put a stop to that real quick when you move in, both directly and indirectly. Directly, you make an appointment for him at a sleep clinic after figuring out his shitty sleep patterns, and Kevin finds out he probably has mild insomnia. The aftermath is horrible – you put him on a strict sleep schedule and all but ban caffeine from his diet (goodbye, morning coffee) – but it helps, after a couple of weeks. He sleeps better. Perks of having a partner who works in medicine.

Indirectly, though, you probably make a bigger difference.

See, the way Kevin thinks about it, he just never had a lot of reasons to stay in bed very long. Even though he appreciates sleep, really appreciates it on long days, it’s just that he can’t really force it if it doesn’t want to come. He’d also rather be doing something productive (or not productive, depends on the asker’s perspective) than lying awake for hours, anyway.

But now that he’s waking up to a face he loves?

Well, even if you sometimes disappear before he wakes (hospital hours are whack as hell, but sadly, you can’t ignore your job), Kevin will just say your warmth is a powerful incentive to stay huddled under the covers, even if he can’t fall back asleep.

He still wakes up every morning to grey light beginning to peek through the window. No matter how hard he tries to sleep in just a little longer, his body can’t seem to stay unconscious past six in the morning, so both of you have just resigned yourselves to the fact that Kevin will always be an early riser.

Before you walked into his life, he would’ve rolled out of bed almost immediately, stumbled to the bathroom (and maybe knocked his knee against the doorframe, who knows), then started brewing coffee in the kitchen to start the day.

Now?

A drowsy smile begins to make its way across Kevin’s face, soft as the morning light, when his brain catches up to the present and he registers your warmth under the covers. Sleepily, he blinks, taking in the sight of your peaceful face buried halfway in the sheets.

You shouldn’t look this beautiful, Kevin thinks, not with your hair strewn all over the pillow, blankets rumpled around your shoulders, arms outstretched so that one sort of curls over his body while the other is held up to your chest. It’s the morning – no one should look pretty and put-together. That isn’t natural.

(Unless you happy to be Kim Younghoon, but that’s another story.)

Yet you somehow look like a sleeping deity in Kevin’s mind, even with your hair a mess and drool drying on the pillowcase. As the drowsiness clears from his eyes, as the light from the window grows brighter, Kevin can barely even think of moving, of disturbing your peace.

He dislikes your alarm. It’s loud, annoying, and hits him with a jolt when he’s just trying to take these stolen morning moments to admire your beauty. When he complains about it the first time, you tell him to serve as the alarm, to wake you up himself.

Kevin counters that he’s an artist, that he needs peace and quiet to give beauty of such a degree the respect it deserves. You just roll your eyes, telling him that if he isn’t going to wake you up, the alarm’s going to have to take that job. The smile on your face, though, and the brief kiss you press to his lips right after, speaks volumes for the emotions Kevin’s words make you feel.

(He loves flustering you like this, even if you pretend his words don’t make you feel some sort of way.)

So eventually, you wake, eyes fluttering as the alarm brings you back to the conscious plane. Kevin’s heart feels like it’s bursting when your eyes fully open, blearily blinking at the world.

“Morning, sunshine,” he whispers, running one hand through your hair.

You lean slightly into the touch, the corners of your lips twitching up. And every day, as he stares into your sleepy eyes, lips curling as you whisper a quiet “Morning, moon boy” in reply, Kevin knows he’s falling, falling in love with every part of you.

. . . . .

+i.

Kevin’s waiting in front of the school when you pull up at the curb. Smiling apologetically, he gives you a quick kiss on the cheek as you step out of the car. “Sorry, sunshine.” He gestures at the two small boys standing beside him, absorbed in their own world. “Their uncle’s running late and Changmin and Jacob have things to do, so I need to wait for Sangyeon to pick them up before we can go.”

“No worries.” You return the kiss, smiling as bright as the sun. Kevin feels a flash of pride for coming up with a nickname that fits you so well. “We have the whole afternoon, don’t we?”

“That, we do.” He grins, squeezing your hand.

“Mr. Moon, who’s that?” a small voice asks closer to the ground. The two of you turn to see Sunwoo and Eric trotting over, curious looks on their faces.

Kevin looks over at you, but you’re already bending down to get to eye level with the two boys. “Oh, hello!” Your grin, if possible, grows wider. “I’m Y/N, Kevin’s significant other. What are your names?”

“I’m Eric,” Eric pipes up. “This is my brother, Sunwoo.”

Sunwoo just stares with round eyes. Well, he’s always been the shyer of the two.

“Those are lovely names,” you reply smoothly, giving Sunwoo an encouraging smile. Kevin feels his heart melt completely at how well you interact with the kids. “I’m just going to be waiting with Kevin until your uncle picks you up, is that okay?”

The two kids nod and immediately go back to babbling in their own little world. Kevin notices the fond smile on your face, and his heart melts even more.

“They’re so cute,” you whisper to him.

“I know, right?” Kevin clutches his heart dramatically. “Can you imagine teaching them every day?”

Just as you’re shaking your head in comic disbelief, another car pulls up behind yours. A harried-looking young man quickly exits and Eric and Sunwoo cheer, distracted by the arrival of their uncle.

“Sorry about this,” Sangyeon says, absentmindedly patting Eric’s head as the boy hugs his leg. Sunwoo seems to be attempting to climb onto his uncle’s back. “Traffic wasn’t the kindest when I was getting out of work.” Then he notices you. “Oh, hello. Are you Kevin’s partner?”

“That I am.” You stick out a hand. “I’m Y/N, and I’ve been told you’re Sangyeon?”

Sangyeon nods, smiling. “Nice to meet you. And to see that Kevin’s found someone to deal with his antics.”

Kevin blushes as you laugh. “Hey,” he complains. “No jokes at my expense, please.”

“Sure, moonbeams.” You roll your eyes, then turn back to Sangyeon. “It’s nice to meet you. Your nephews are adorable.”

The smile that Sangyeon gives the two boys clambering around him says it all. “They are, aren’t they?” He checks his watch. “I’m sorry, I have to go now. My sister’s expecting us back soon, and I’m already a bit late.”

Kevin breathes a sigh of relief. No more teasing at his expense from Sangyeon, at least, though there’s no guarantee from you. “Nice seeing you, Sangyeon. And have a good day, kids.”

A small chorus of “You too, Mr. Moon!” sounds, and Kevin expects that to be the end. Sangyeon will herd the boys into the car, Kevin will follow you into yours, and then you’ll go your separate ways. What he doesn’t expect is for Sunwoo to look out at you from behind his uncle’s leg, round eyes cautiously curious, and ask you a question.

“Y/N?”

Immediately, you turn around, teasing smirk melting into a gentle smile for the small boy. “Yes, Sunwoo?”

Sunwoo’s eyes dart between you and Kevin. Then, softly, shyly – “Do you love Mr. Moon?”

Time seems to stop as Kevin’s breath hitches in his throat at the sudden question, but you only look back at him, eyes soft and sparkling in the sunlight. 

Your answer glitters in your gaze.

Though you’re supposed to be talking to Sunwoo, your eyes stay fixed on Kevin, strong and unyielding, yet gentle and affectionate, as you answer. Your voice is soft when you reply. “Yes, Sunwoo. I do love him.” The smile on your face grows wider as you turn back to the child. “I love him very much.”

Indescribable warmth floods Kevin’s chest and tears prick his eyes. And as Sangyeon hurries his nephews away, as you turn around to unlock your car, one truth burns with absolute, crystal-clear certainty in his mind.

He isn’t falling in love with you, not anymore. No, he’s far past that stage.

Kevin Moon is completely, wholly, irrevocably in love with you.

“Kevin?” You look at him from the other side of the car. “You coming?”

A wide grin spreads across his face as he meets your sparkling eyes. Love blooms in his chest.

“Coming, sunshine.”

If you enjoyed, please don’t forget to reblog and leave a comment to tell me what you thought! Thank you for reading and have a lovely day <3

(1 reblog = 1 prayer for kevin’s whipped ass ksjdkgsdhjk)

[bookishofalder]

Just Breathe

Pairing: Adam Driver X Reader (GN!Reader)

A/N-In this fic, AD is single. Inspired by my own love for makeup and the alternate life I’d have enjoyed as a film makeup artist. I also think this ended up with the reader being gender neutral!

Warnings: Mutual pinning. Kissing. Caffeine addiction.

——————

You took a long, deep breath, focusing on clearing your mind and settling yourself into professional mode. This was a routine, which used to simply be automatic for you, until you started working this new movie trilogy and your world flipped.

Just breathe.

You had been ecstatic when you got the call-key makeup artist for the new Star Wars movies! It was an absolute dream come true, after years working hard as a makeup artist for smaller films and television shows, building your experience. Now you were the lead, which meant you were going to be working with main character actors, a chance to really prove yourself, under the direction of the production designer. You would get to design concepts for their appearances and execute the approved designs.

And not to mention, you were a huge Star Wars geek, having grown up watching the films with your dad, who was an original geek. You would watch them every year on his birthday together, a tradition that you carried out regardless of where in the world you were working from on set, you would stay up all night and video call him while watching, if you had to. You never missed a single year.

But now, it was years later and you were working on set of the final instalment, which was bittersweet in so many ways. You just needed to breath.

Because since day one of production on these movies, you’ve been in love with the lead actor, and it’s been chipping away at your soul. Because it’s one thing to imagine being with someone unattainable for fun, but when you spend a lot of time in that persons presence and over time realize how perfect they are to you, it can drive you up the wall.

Adam Driver was kind, funny and serious. He and you hit it off really well when you met, he was always keen to hear your thoughts on his characters appearance, and he’d even asked you recently to join him on the next press tour as his stylist and makeup artist. That in itself was an amazing opportunity, one that would continue to launch your career into orbit. You adored working with him, and spent a lot of your down time missing him, his corny jokes and soft looks and overall presence. Because that man took up a lot of space, which seemed to affect you in many ways, all good.

You felt like that character in Love Actually, played by Laura Linney, who was in love with Carl. Except, you were sure you hid it well, and you were always the most professional colleague. However, pining over a celebrity felt too ridiculous, too common, and you were hard on yourself constantly for it. You convinced yourself every morning that it was simply a crush, one that would fade if you kept yourself focused and reminded yourself daily of the type of person he could date, if he wanted to.

Yet, here you were, needing to breath, because he was on his way to the makeup trailer for end of day cleanup and you needed to get your head in the game, figuratively shoving your feelings down. Daisy had finished and left already, while your makeup assistant Bailey was hurrying about tidying the trailer, avoiding your station, and moving some of the equipment into the storage area. Soft classical music was playing on the Bluetooth speakers, and the smell of peppermint tea you had brewed was calming you somewhat.

Glancing in the mirror, you adjusted your hair, smoothed down your apron and internally chastised yourself for bothering to check. Setting down your tea, you looked over your set up, ensuring you had everything needed, though end of day was always the easier part on this set for you. You didn’t exactly envy the hard work that the SFX make up team had on both sides of the day, but you were always beyond impressed with their beautiful work.

The door to the trailer opened and immediately, you felt his presence. Adam stepped inside, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, his hair and face still fully set to Kylo Ren’s appearance, which always made you smile, as the contrast was hilarious.

“Evening, y/n, Bailey.” He said, nodding to you both before sitting down heavily into his chair. He smiled at you warmly, looking tired. You quickly set a headband on his head, pushing all the hair from his face carefully.

“How are you, Adam?” You briefly met his soft eyes, which were fixed on your own. If you didn’t spend so much timing beating yourself up for liking him, you might have noticed his eyes often following you, or his soft smiles, or the way he sometimes stiffened when your hands ran through his hair or down his face as you worked on him.

But you never did seem to notice. “I’m good, tired today, this week’s caught up with me.” He rumbled. You hoped he couldn’t hear your heart rate pick up every time he spoke. Although, it had been like this for years and he hadn’t complained yet. Or he’d grown used to it. ‘Shut up, brain’, you thought.

“I’m not surprised, after the fiftieth take of this scene I got tired watching you!” It was true too, having to be on set at all times during filming meant a lot of time spent watching the actors at work, and since Adam insisted on doing his own stunts, a lot of the scenes he was in were physically gruelling. You didn’t know how he did it, and despite his words you knew if he was called back to set for any retakes, he’d spring from the chair full of energy and ready to work.

His dedication was an astounding trait that impressed you from the start, never wavering. His serious, hardworking personality only had you falling harder.

He chuckled at your words, his eyes closing automatically as you spritzed his face with a gentle solution you liked for removing the prosthetic scar. He kept them closed as you worked, peeling off the wound with delicate fingers. You didn’t know that he kept them closed because when you were really focused on something, you bit your lip in a way that made his blood warm, in a way that gave him trouble with tearing his gaze away.

“I saw Bailey sneak you a latte, though, which I’m pretty sure means I’ve won our bet.” Your hands stilled at his words, and he peaked up at you, a devilish grin quickly spreading across his face freckled, handsome face.

You faked offence, scoffing “I don’t know what you mean, it was decaf.” Adam gave a bark of a laugh at your lie, shaking his head.

“Just admit it, you’re a caffeine addict.” He’d been teasing you for years for constantly having caffeinated beverages within reach, and you’d recently, stupidly, agreed to a bet where you would stick to one a day for a month. If you won, he had to forever leave you alone about it, and if he won he could continue to tease you for infinity.

“I believe the terms of our bet allowed for one slip up, actually.” You pouted, jutting your chin out slightly. You continued working, getting his skin cleaned and recovered from the makeup, pretending to be unbothered by the fact that he had noticed Bailey sneak you the latte on set. And you tried not to overthink why he would have been looking at you in the first place.

Adam considered your words for a moment, “Yes,” he said slowly, “But today is only day two of this bet, and you’ve already slipped up.” You were smiling now, the joy evident in his tone was contagious. Still, you rolled your eyes.

“I’m only human, you know, but I am competitive.” You hoped you sounded convincing. You weren’t sure you cared about winning the bet, really.

He continued to grin at you, but made no response. You settled into a comfortable silence together as you made your way through the end of day skin care routine you developed for Adam during the first movie. You had one for each of the main actors, and they’d all impressed you with their dedication in following them. You weren’t good at giving yourself credit, though. Everyone knew a skin care routine curated by you was priceless.

“You need me to stick around, y/n?” Bailey asked, popping out from the back of the trailer where the storage area was. She gave you a pointed look, which you promptly ignored.

“No, go on ahead and start your weekend, Bailey, I’m almost done here, thank you.”

“Night, Bailey!” Adam waved. Bailey bid them both goodnight and left, leaving you alone with Adam. You cursed yourself, feeling foolish. You meant to be genuinely nice to Bailey, who worked hard and deserved the break, but usually you kept her around at times like this to ensure you weren’t left alone with the object of your daydreams. When no one else was around, you had no witnesses to any comments that Adam made that you might consider flirtatious. And while you assumed handsome celebrities like him would probably inherently flirt with others as second nature, you never understood why he would flirt with you. It confused you entirely.

You felt your nerves suddenly rear up, and your hands shook very slightly as you removed the calming sheet mask you had placed on Adam. His eyes followed your hands, but he said nothing. You’d been alone plenty of times before, but every time you would turn into a nervous, silly mess, overanalyzing every comment he made and every word you managed to sputter.

You didn’t know it, but Adam always wished for more time alone with you. He knew you well, and could recognize your nerves and always wondered why being alone with him made you nervous. He hoped it was because you liked him, but he was helpless at flirting, and didn’t know how let you know how he felt. He didn’t want to overstep, or make you uncomfortable. You were both technically working, and he felt you probably had much more appealing options for partners outside of work.

Tonight, though, for the first time, you were both exhausted, under caffeinated and, though neither of you would openly admit it, lonely. Years of longing the other, feeling hopeful, was going to catch up to you both tonight.

“Okay, head froward for me please,” He complied, and you expertly ran your hands into his hair, pulling smoothing serum through the thick locks with gentle care. As you focused, applying liberal amounts, you noticed Adam’s hands clench the chairs arms. “Is that okay?” You worried you’d hurt him.

He tilted his head back and met your eyes. He was so tall that even sitting in his makeup chair, his eyes were level with yours. It was nice not needing to adjust his seat, as you needed to do constantly for most of the actors, but it also meant a lot of time face to face, learning to read one another. Your hands were still in his hair. Somewhere in the back of your mind, a voice of reason was telling you to calmly remove your hands and step back. But the look he was giving you had you frozen to the spot. You’d never read that expression on his face before, his eyes were dark, serious.

His eyes searched yours for a moment longer, “Yeah, y/n.” His voice came out quiet, soft. You think maybe your heart would stop working, because he wasn’t looking away. You couldn’t understand his expression, he seemed to be searching for something in your own.

Finally, you managed to pull your gaze away. Quickly removing your hands, you stepped back, smoothing down your apron nervously, “I-I mean, you’re all set, Adam, unless you need anything else from me?” Why was your voice so quiet? And your face, it felt hot.

You needed to get out of this trailer, away from this man-he was having such a strong affect on you. You rationalized that it was simply because you were tired, you really had cut down significantly on caffeine and this was the result, your sleepiness was lowering your defences and he was noticing you were acting strange. That was all it was.

Adam stood, frowning slightly, but didn’t move away from you. Now, he was right in front of you and you had to tilt your head back just to see beyond his chest. You glanced up at him, and his eyes seemed to soften.

“You’ve really been cutting back on coffee, haven’t you?”

You nodded, “Told you, I’m competitive.” Your voice was breathy, like you’d been running. What the hell was wrong with you, you wondered.

Adam smiled, “I know, I love that about you.” You thought maybe you were now hearing things, and simply stared up at him in surprise, his words genuine, warm.

“Thank-um, thank you, Adam, that means a lot, coming from you.” Now, you were basically whispering. Yet your voice sounded much too loud.

He tilted his head, took a careful step closer, the gap between you nearly gone now. His overall hugeness as he stood over you made you feel safe, and a jolt ran through to your core. “I love a lot of things about you, y/n. Like, how you’re face gives what you’re thinking away, if the person knows you well enough, and you know that about yourself so you try to hide it. You look away, before someone reads you-but I’ve gotten pretty good at catching your expressions,” The low timbre of his voice was doing things to you, and you couldn’t look away from Adam now, “And right now, I think I do know what you’re thinking. Can I test my theory?”

He was asking permission, for what you didn’t know, but at this point you’d have given it no matter what. So you nodded, “S-sure.” You saw the look in his eyes shift, his gaze moving to your lips.

Despite noticing this, it still caught you entirely off guard when Adam leaned down, his hands moving to your face, gently, and caught your lips with his own. So off guard, that you immediately moaned in surprise. You felt Adam freeze, and wondered if you’d messed up, but before you could open your eyes to check, he pressed you against the wall behind you and resumed kissing you with renewed fervour. You felt yourself returning the kiss, mirroring his movements, entirely caught up in him. His tongue ran across your lips and you parted them, allowing him to taste you as he deepened the kiss.

And you tasted him, his breath minty and overwhelmingly him, you felt drunk, dizzy. You moaned again, and he pulled away, still holding your face, “Sweetheart, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He breathed, his pupils blown, face flushed. His gaze was intensely affectionate.

You had to catch your breath, “I didn’t think...I’m just a makeup artist, Adam, I-“

But he cut you off, shaking his head, “Don’t do that, how do you not realize how amazing you are, y/n? You take my breath away every time I see you, and it’s not just because you’re beautiful,” He punctuated his words with a peppering of kiss along your cheeks, “It’s how funny you are, how hardworking, your talent and vision, the way you take care of me and the others, how kind and sweet and goofy you are-I’ve been in love with you for a long time, for a million different reasons.”

Tears threatened at his words, and you had to work to blink them back, “I think I’m dreaming.” You breathed, feeling silly, but he grinned, and shook his head. You returned the smile, gazing up at Adam in wonder, before reaching up with both hands to caress his face, the gesture so much more intimate than it had been when you worked on his skin. His eyes closed briefly, but opened again when you spoke, “I love you too, you know, always have.”

In an instant, his lips were on yours again, this time the intensity was burning, smouldering. Entirely too much and yet no where near enough. You pushed your hands into his hair and he groaned against you, his hands gripping your face and it felt like you couldn’t get close enough to him. He dropped one hand to your waist, pulling your body flush to his, then slid his other into your hair. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like this, fully ablaze in each others arms, but you never wanted it to stop.

When you did break apart, breathless and flushed, Adam was the first to speak, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine, “Would you like to come over to my hotel?”

You nodded, still standing close against him, “I’d really love that.” And you leaned up, on your tip toes, to plant a chaste kiss on his nose, unable to stop smiling.

Adam hugged you close again, planting a few affectionate kisses to your cheeks and hair, before stepping back, watching you as you gathered your things quickly. He took your bag from you as you pulled off your apron and threw on your coat, and you followed him out, feeling giddy.

“We might have to end our bet, by the way.” Adam held open the passenger door for you, when you reached his car, and watched your confusion at his words.

“Why’s that?”

He leaned down, his eyes dark in a way that had you mesmerized, “You’re going to need a lot of caffeine when I’m done with you, sweetheart.” He murmured softly, his voice laced with cheek, and yet you shivered.

You met his gaze, grinning, while internally you had to remind yourself to breath.

Just breath.

[gentryllarena]

Is that GENTRY LLARENA? Wow, they do look a lot like EVAN MOCK. I hear HE is a TWENTY year old SOPHOMORE who are studying FILM STUDIES at Luxor University. Word is they are a(n) ARISTOCRAT student who is FOR The Unhinged. You should watch out because they can be STUBBORN and UNFORGIVING, but on the bright side they can also be HUMOROUS and SMELL GOOD. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself.

Hi hello! My name is T and in this essay I will be introducing you to my home boi Gentry!

basics:

full name:  Gentry Joseph Llarena

nicknames: Gent, Trees, GLaw

gender:  Cismale

pronouns:  He/Him

sexuality:  Bicurious

age:  20

date of birth:  September 21st

Birthplace: Savannah Georgia

zodiac sign:  Virgo

likes:  Skateboarding, cigarettes and coffee, spicy food, Caribbean Passion from Jamba Juice 

dislikes: Vegetables (specifically peas), when his hands get too dry after washing them, movie spoilers

Biography: 

It wasn’t until Gentry was in the 8th grade that he realized it wasn’t normal to move around as much as his family had. They weren’t exactly traditional in the sense that they literally lived in a giant RV and used it to drive themselves across the country. However everywhere they went he was always promised that it’d be the last time. Every time they’d enroll him in school, sometimes for the year and sometimes only for a few months before they were on the road again. It wasn’t for lack of finances they did this either. No in fact his grandparents on his mom’s side had been huge investors in wildly successful tourism companies that had made them more money than they’d ever known what to do with. While the grandparents on his dad’s were both hugely successful doctors. Both sets which set fairly high expectations on their kids who decided to start a business of their own. 

Their business was to build giant farming communes that was done entirely on the road. Every couple of months a new project leading them somewhere else. The whole thing should have made it challenging for Gentry to make friends. Sure he had a few that he’d chat with online, and cousins who’s lives he got to watch from afar and envy, but nothing concrete. No one he really got to call his own. The bonus to moving all the time meant that commitment was a word he didn’t have to learn for a long time. 

Gentry started the exploring of his sexuality in the plains of Oklahoma with people who’s names he can barely remember now. Individuals who ensured he was aware of the importance of keeping their secrets which wasn’t going to be a problem considering he’d be gone the next week. Sometimes he thinks back on them as the closest things to real relationships he’d ever held. 

When it came time for him to graduate the online high school program he’d been attending he’d aged out of what normally would have been a typical high school experience. Finding it challenging to always be focusing on school with his parents encouraging his participation in so many of their projects. When it was time for him to start applying for colleges, his parents had a few conditions for him. 

They’d always felt he wouldn’t need school if he was going to take on their family business but Gentry had never been sure that was something he wanted. So instead they came up with a plan. Namely that they decided they wanted him to have some real back up experience in case college didn’t work out and sent him to work at his uncles Sex Shop promptly named the G-Spot. He’d done it for approximately 6 months when he finally got his acceptance to Luxor. After which he turned on his heels and moved to New York. His parents agreed to pay for school at this point and he was off. 

Wanted Connections: 

Have we met before (0/1): Maybe in another life I knew you? The two of you met only one time. Perhaps a date? Perhaps just a friendship. It was a one time meeting during Gentry’s travels. Hit it off. Really enjoyed each others company. Then just like that he was gone the next day. 

Mixtape (0/1): Oooo he did it, he made you a mix tape. The two of you are buddies. Same taste in music. But every so often Gentry adds a song to his playlist that makes you question his motives.

Pen Pals (0/5): These are the people he wrote to. People he made friends with on his travels and kept in touch with. We can build the how they met together but they kept in touch and now they’re at school together. How fun! 

 Ocean’s were lakes (0/2): Gimme a cat fish situation. Someone he was talking to online who convinced him to come to Luxor only to be Catfished and find they are someone else entirely. 

Always do (0/3): These are the group of close friends that probably worry a little too much about how into the drama of Luxor Gentry gets. The people he is constantly telling not to worry. That he’ll be safe and then goes over board every time with. 

[hiccanna-tidbits]

Hiccanna--100 OTP Questions, Part 2

So I said I would finish this OTP question meme someday--and I decided, entirely on random impulse, that “someday” is today!!! My Hiccanna-centered account has not been producing enough Hiccanna content lately, and this simply WILL not do.

QUESTION SOURCE: https://the-moon-dust-writings.tumblr.com/post/159857601812/100-otp-questions

LINK TO PART 1: https://hiccanna-tidbits.tumblr.com/post/635744326176129024/hiccanna-100-otp-questions-meme-part-1 51. Does either of them know how to fight? I mean...canonically yeah, they both do??? Lol I mean Hiccup has his fire sword and obviously would know how to fight with the weapons he makes/invents, and Anna literally just instinctively grabs a sword to protect her buddies in Frozen 2 and I mean we all really love Sword Anna anyways and also she PUNCHES A MAN OFF OF A BOAT so long story short yes they can both fight 52. What do they do for Valentines Day? Anna rents a rom-com and pulls Hiccup down onto their couch to watch it with her, and he kinda internally groans because he figures it’ll be something super sappy and cheesy and Anna will just be squealing with delight the whole time. Legit as soon as the first scene begins, Anna begins brutally roasting the main couple. Turns out it’s a really terrible rom-com and Anna rented it solely to make fun of it. Hiccup is like “aight this definitely wasn’t what I was expecting but I’m on board” Also Hiccup gets Anna like 3 boxes of fancy chocolate because...do I really need to explain? Anna gets Hiccup a particularly aesthetic floral arrangement for their kitchen table, something she knows damn well he secretly likes but would never admit XD 53. Who swears more? Anna, for sure. This tends to surprise people, but Anna is actually a notorious pottymouth when she gets comfortable XD Hiccup has a pretty big and borderline pretentious vocabulary, and so he tends to express his frustration in more...articulate ways when things don’t go his way. Like he’d stub his toe and just say “wow, I’d literally rather saw off my other leg than have to deal with this right now” while Anna, in the same situation, would let loose every curse word known to man XD 54. Who has the better comebacks? Hiccup, absolutely. His smart-ass comments to every conceivable situation on earth go absolutely unmatched. Anna can’t help but envy how he can almost instinctually pull out a near-perfect snide remark within seconds, whilst she, at best, thinks of the ideal comeback in the shower 3 days later. 55. Who would start a fight with another parent at a bake sale? I feel like Anna would seek out the most passive-aggressive, bitchy, entitled Karen and just wait with barely-concealed anticipation for her to say something super awful so Anna can just nail her in the face right in front of all the other moms Hiccup and their kids, meanwhile, can’t help but be awed at their wife/mother’s impressive Right Hook 56. Who reads buzzfeed? Anna. Hiccup keeps being like “you know half the stuff on there is total bullshit, right?” and Anna just shrugs like “who cares? It’s entertaining!” 57. Who is the hopeless romantic? Anna, good god, ANNA. After the whole Hans debacle I imagine she’s a bit more subdued about so openly showing this part of her personality, but at heart she just can’t stop being a romantic. Once Hiccup catches wind of this, he naturally makes a point of frequently surprising her with Grand Romantic Gestures and such, which makes Anna’s entire face go bright fuckin red as she cries out “NO STOP WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS YOU’RE TOO NICE” 58. Do either of them know how to do a handstand? Nope! They’d both fall on their faces and it would be hilarious. 59. Who can rap better? I love the idea of them both being looped into a rap battle somehow and Anna just dreading it immensely because she figures they both really suck and then when it’s their turn Hiccup comes out and busts out the BEST, MOST SAVAGE RHYMES Anna has ever heard COMPLETELY ad lib and the poor girl just goes completely catatonic with shock for like 10 minutes. 60. Do either of them want to go sky diving? See initially I was gonna say Hiccup definitely would not because it would give the poor boy an anxiety attack, but then I remembered he basically skydives in canon??? And Anna strikes me as a bit of adrenaline junkie too, so fuck it--yeah, I think they’d both enjoy it. 61. What do they usually text about? They talk a lot about movies, games, books, and shows they both like, I imagine--Hiccup especially likes to overanalyze them to ridiculous extents and Anna thinks this is adorable. The rest of the time, they send each other dumb memes and talk about random animal fun facts. Anna likes to brag that her boyfriend knows more lizard trivia than anyone else on the planet, and how many lizard facts does YOUR boyfriend know? Probably little to none, you big loser. 62. Who is the dramatic one? Anna is INCREDIBLY dramatic. Although Hiccup certainly does have a “dramatic flair,” as he puts it, I still think Anna can out-dramatic him, at the end of the day XD Although perhaps admittedly not by much. 63. Is either one confrontational? Anna certainly can be. She’s usually pretty friendly, but if she ever feels like she’s being challenged, demeaned, mocked, or generally not taken seriously, she’s ready to go to WAR. She certainly not as soft as she might look! I imagine there’s situations where someone is being a dick to either Anna or someone else and Hiccup has to physically hold her back to keep her from just decking them XD 64. What is their favourite cuddle position? Probably just good old-fashioned spooning. Hiccup actually really loves being the little spoon (because Anna just makes him feel so damn safe), but he is loathe to admit it. They also have one I like to call the “Needy Cat,” where Anna just goes and completely drapes herself over Hiccup when he’s sitting on the couch. He’s usually in the middle of doing something else, and is forced to find ways to play video games/read his book/watch his show around Anna XD 65. Who are their favourite musical artist(s)? Hiccup has exactly 3 music moods--pretentious classical stuff (to listen to while working on inventions), obscure underground 90s hipster bands no one’s heard of (to play air guitar to when no one else is home), and some more well-known emo/alt rock stuff (to sing along to in the car dramatically). I can see him liking Panic! at the Disco, The Killers, Fall Out Boy, Linkin Park, that kinda stuff. Anna, meanwhile, likes the trashiest, most generic-sounding pop music and refuses to apologize for dancing to it in the car XD She is most DEFINITELY a Swiftie, no question. She also likes some “edgier” bands like Paramore and Hey Monday. She went through a hardcore Avril Lavigne phase in middle school and she still totally listens to her but is embarrassed to say it. Also I feel like Anna would be into 90s/early 2000s boy bands??? She relates to the boys’ endless pining and just flips the genders in her head so the songs are about Hiccup (before they start dating obs) XD I AM DEFINITELY NOT SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE HERE, NO SIR 66. What are their parenting styles? Anna would probably be like...kind of stern, when she needs to be, but intensely nurturing as well, if her relationship with Elsa is anything to go by. Hiccup would be a pretty laid-back, chill dad who would probably try too hard to be cool and make no end of absolutely horrible dad jokes XD They both lowkey seem like the kind of parents who would end up letting their kids get away with a lot though lmao 67. Who would be the more laid back one? Hiccup probably. I mean, he IS the pacifist/diplomat guy, besides have you MET Anna??? Girl absolutely has NO chill. 68. Who listens to more vulgar music? Anna, surprisingly! Hiccup just kinda enjoys what he enjoys and doesn’t really feel the need to “prove” anything by listening to songs that swear a lot. Anna purposely listens to vulgar music to feed her hidden rebellious side and because it makes her feel badass XD She honestly kinda hates being written off as 100% wholesome and innocent all the time and will readily pull out the “I’M NOT A SWEET LITTLE FLOWER I SANG ALONG TO THAT SONG THAT JUST SAID FUCK SEE” line whenever given even the slightest chance XD 69. Do either of them have secrets even the other doesn’t know? Kind of depends on when in both their timelines they meet. If they meet in the middle of HTTYD 1 or Frozen 1, they probably wouldn’t tell the other right away that they have a dragon and an ice-powered supersister, respectively XD I definitely think they would as they came to trust each other, though. Also I read a headcanon that Hiccup has burn scars from the Red Death incident where he lost his leg, and that’s why he wears so much armor and generally long sleeves--and I kind of love that. So maybe Hiccup would be cagey with Anna about how he lost his leg and that whole incident for a while before he finally opens up to her about it. Other than that I feel like they’d be pretty honest with one another, other than maybe trying to hide the more embarrassing parts of themselves to impress the other person XD 70. Who is their go to couple for a double date? Jackunzel, obviously! They’d probably all go to an arcade or an amusement park or something else pretty fun and high-energy. 71. Do they tip the waiter/waitress on their date? I mean yes, they’re not huge assholes????? 72. How do they work out a fight? I imagine Anna tends to get more worked up and yelley and loud, while Hiccup doesn’t raise his voice much at all but can say some damn cutting things if he wants to. Since Anna probably gets angrier, I imagine she apologizes first, whether or not the fight was actually on her or not--it’s just kinda this girl’s default to apologize for everything XD She’d probably say sorry for yelling and probably overreacting, while Hiccup would also be EXTREMELY apologetic if he realized he crossed a line with one of his jabs at her. I imagine a lot of what they fight about is Anna doing some impulsive Dumb Shit^TM and Hiccup just being like “oh god DAMMIT that’s DANGEROUS you can’t just go WORRYING me like that!!!” and Anna getting offended because she kinda views this as him being a little overprotective and not trusting her to make her own decisions. Ironically, Anna occasionally also gets mad at HICCUP for doing Impulsive Dumb Shit, so he’s not always nearly as much the Voice of Reason as he thinks XD Hiccup also sometimes gets mad at Anna for not taking better care of herself (take it from a fellow ADHDer--we tend to Wallow in Despair sometimes, or straight-up forget to do basic care things like eat lunch XD)--I have an IRL friend who reminds me a lot of Hiccup and he’s ALWAYS getting on my case about not eating enough, not drinking enough water, constantly berating myself, stuff like that. I imagine Hiccup sometimes slips into Mom Mode with Anna when she gets in a bad spot, which she appreciates after the fact but kind of annoys her at the time because she wants really badly to be independent and all that. Basically TL;DR most of Anna and Hiccup’s fights can be resolved by Anna and Hiccup agreeing to next time Use A Brain Cell before they do a thing, or Anna agreeing to take better care of herself XD 73. Who brings home an illegal pet? In literally every AU possible I like to think that Hiccup brings home some variation of illegal pet XD I mean, it’s probably just a dragon (”just a dragon” is never a string of words I imagined myself using in that order like what do you mean JUST a dragon lmao) in a standard crossover timeline, which he basically does in canon, but I do love the idea of a modern AU Hiccup showing up to their apartment with some kind of weird exotic monitor lizard from Bali and being like “I found him in an alley, he’s gonna live with us now” and Anna is like “D: Is someone gonna arrest you???” And Hiccup is like “Nah, no cops followed me home” and Anna’s like “Okay!!! :D” and then goes to PetSmart to buy a big fluffy bed for her new scaled friend XD 74. What side of the bed do each of them sleep on? I honestly don’t think either would care much, and they usually sleep in a tangled-up mess anyways so by morning you can’t really tell who started on which side XD 75. What is their favorite photo of them two together? One from before they got together: I’m just imagining a big group photo with the Entire Squad (Rapunzel, Jack, Merida, Moana, etc.), and Anna has her arms laced around Hiccup’s neck and her chin on his shoulder and a GIANT smirk on her face. Meanwhile Hiccup is laughing and trying to push her off, but his cheeks are BRIGHT fucking red and he’s trying really unsuccessfully to hide it because he’s a pale boi. Anna loves it because you can so CLEARLY see Hiccup’s blush, and she loves to tease him about how flustered he got around her. Hiccup loves it because it reminds him of what was probably the first time Anna was THAT openly cuddly with him, and how exhilarated and giddy he felt the first time he had her that close to him. 76. Who takes longer in the bathroom? Probably Hiccup, if only because I HC him as a bit of a germophobe who is a tiny bit obsessive about washing his hands sufficiently. 77. Who has more songs on their ipod? Anna, mainly because literally every time she hears a song she likes she’s like “!!!!! Gotta download it!!!!” LITERALLY EVERY TIME. And she wonders why her ipod is always running out of space XD 78. What movie did they first see together? As of the Modern AU Hiccanna one-shot I wrote ages ago, Revenge of the Ancient Dragon Masters! XD If we’re talking movies that actually exist, I imagine it would be a Marvel movie, a Star Wars movie, or some super-fancy-CGI high fantasy epic. 79. What do they like to see each other in? You mean like...which of the other’s outfits would they find the sexiest??? Aight, I’ll take a stab at this. Anna gets literally SO fuckin thirsty every time Hiccup wears his dragon rider outfit (the one from HTTYD 2), like it shows off his cute skinny body in the most perfect possible way whilst making him look like a badass and oh how Anna DREAMS of feeling him up in that! (One day, she finally gets to! XD) She’s also very into the scale armor from HTTYD 3 when she’s in...a very different kind of mood XD As for Hiccup, his favorite outfits of Anna’s are probably her coronation dress and her queen dress, mainly because he loves how she looks in green. He also really likes her travel outfit from Frozen 2, mainly because it’s sexy AND practical and damn, he’s gotta admit, that’s a nice shade of purple and she absolutely SLAYS in it XD 80. Who makes jokes during inappropriate times? Honestly both of them??? Like neither are great at picking up social cues, and Anna canonically DOES do this in Frozen! (Remember her comment about ice-selling being “a rough business to be in right now”???) I can see both of them attempting to lighten a tense mood by making an ill-timed joke, hoping to make things less uncomfortable, and they end up making everything MORE uncomfortable XD Honestly sue me, I love the idea of these two idiots bonding over how terrible they are with social cues in general 81. At what age do they discuss the possibility of children? I imagine not til like...their early 30s, if ever. Like I mentioned in the first part of the questionaire, I actually am not sure if they would even want to have kids at all, but if they DID decide to, it definitely wouldn’t be until they’re older and have settled down a bit, and have (somewhat) gotten both of their lives together. 82. What do they love about each other the most? Hiccup loves Anna’s energy and optimism, and how she’ll basically cheer him on and believe in him with all her being no matter how high the odds are stacked against him. And oh boy does he LOVE how hard she can kick ass when push comes to shove, and how goddamn overprotective she is of him. The sword skills and the general willingness to punch problematic people in the face are definitely up there as well. She’s like the perfect blend of fun and badass, and there’s never a dull moment with her for him. Anna adores Hiccup’s connection with animals and general animal skills, especially with the more less-loved and “scary” of the world’s creatures (i.e. dragons lol). She also loves and admires the shit out of his intelligence and inventiveness, and wishes she could make contraptions half as cool as what he turns out. And, of course, she loves that he’s a pretty humble dude who's actually pretty insecure about his accomplishments, and isn’t some cocky guy wanting to shove them in everyone’s face. And, of course, she loves his sarcasm and his dry sense of humor, and few people can make her laugh as hard as Hiccup can. Before she met him, she had no idea pessimism could be this entertaining XD 83. Who is the one that sees the big picture, while the other focus’s on the small details? Hiccup is very detail-oriented--he has to be, in order to make any of his contraptions work! Anna is very much focused on the big picture and gets stressed and exasperated trying to keep track of details--she figures she’ll either sort through the details as she goes, or Hiccup will help do it for her XD 84. What would they write on their partner’s social media’s for their anniversary? One of my IRL friends wrote “Happy anniversary bro, you’re pretty great” on his girlfriend’s instagram for their anniversary, and she wrote back “Happy anniversary, you’re a good buddy, I love you” and I just XD That’s the EXACT kind of weird dorky nonsense I can see Hiccup and Anna doing for their anniversary tbh 85. Who is bad at math? Anna, bless her soul, needs a calculator for literally EVERYTHING. Hiccup kinda trained himself to be decent at doing math in his head, since he often has to calculate measurements for his inventions and whatnot, but Anna is absolutely atrocious at it and generally would like overly-complicated numbers to not be anywhere near her. 86. Who googles everything? Probably Anna, mainly because she’s pretty forgetful and doesn’t trust her own memory half the time so she feels the need to verify everything on the internet XD 87. Who does stuff on impulse? Anna 100% canonically does, although Hiccup has some shades of this too more than he would ever admit, in fact, for someone claiming to be the Voice of Reason 88. How do they comfort each other when they are helpless to do anything about the situation? Hiccup’s approach is probably just to try and distract Anna and take her mind off of it, which he’ll do by either trying to make her laugh, telling her a story, or explaining one of his inventions to her (which she never gets bored with btw, because everything that boy gushes about is fascinating to her <3). Basically he figures if he entertains her enough, it’ll take her mind off of whatever is freaking her out and she won’t fixate on it as much. Anna’s approach is more to accentuate the positives in a bad situation (although like I mentioned in Part 1, not really in a condescending “count your blessings, it could be worse!” kind of way, but more in a “I hope he’ll feel better if he focuses on happy things” kind of way, if that makes any sense?) and also focus on when Hiccup DID do great and utterly kick ass and tell him he’s always better than he thinks he is. 89. What is an inside joke they have? If anything, him calling her “Tiger” as a pet name (which I think I mentioned briefly in Part 1??? Can’t remember) is this, because in my mind it developed because whenever Anna is about to do some Dumb Shit, or punch someone she really shouldn’t in the face, Hiccup has to physically hold her back like “Whoa, slow down there, Tiger!” This happens so frequently that eventually it just gets shortened to him nicknaming her “Tiger” and all their friends are kind of baffled as to why XD 90. Who makes the other smile with almost no effort at all? Hiccup barely even needs to start talking in funny accents or imitating his dad before Anna is just DYING laughing. She thinks he’s the funniest damn person on earth. He honestly gets a kick out of her impressions too--she can do some pretty amusing ones, if that deleted coronation dress-up scene from Frozen 1 is anything to go by. So the feeling is mutual!!! They’re super good at making each other smile and laugh with little to no effort!!! 91. What is their favourite holiday? I feel like Anna especially would get REALLY into Christmas/Yule, mainly because of how much Elsa can spice it up with her powers. And judging by the OFA short, Arendelle gets very hyped for the holidays in general, so it’s probably hard NOT to have a good time. Anna probably also like Mayday a lot because the dancing, the spring cheeriness, and the flower-related festivities are definitely to her taste. Hiccup just likes the energy and general vibes, and would rather sit back and relax and watch Anna dance around and have fun XD Also dun best believe they BOTH get hella into Halloween, because they’re dramatic motherfuckers who loves to dress up, and it gives Anna an excuse to buy a shitton of chocolate and eat all the leftovers XD 92. Who is the one that is calm and collected while the other is angry and destructive? Lmao Anna is definitely the “berserker” of the two of them. She DOES tend to get destructive when she’s angry, if being ready to fight a giant-ass snowman and smacking a wolf in the face with a lute is anything to go by. Hiccup is definitely the calm and collected one, and very rarely gets genuinely angry. 93. What is their favourite board game to play? Does Dungeons and Dragons count??? I can totally imagine Hiccup being hyped up over that or some other super nerdy RPG game and being so enthused to show it to Anna, who just falls even more in love with him after seeing how EXCITED he gets about it. Of course he’s super eager to teach her, and TBH Anna has a really hard time getting it at first because DAMN these rules are COMPLICATED, but after she finally gets the hang of it, she realizes she absolutely LOVES DnD and RPG games in general (I mean...have you SEEN OFA??? Girl gets just a little TOO into reminiscing about her old play-pretend toys XD) and she and Hiccup constantly geek out about it together. 94. Who accidental sets something on fire? Anna, 100% also this is an ever funnier question if applied to Hiccanna in my Fire!Anna AU 95. Who has the car ready while the other is robbing the store? Anna is waiting while Hiccup robs the store, if for no other reason than that Hiccup is much better at Stealth Mode than Anna is XD Anna’s uncoordinated ass would probably knock over like 5 shelves’ worth of merchandise before reaching what they were actually trying to rob XD 96. What artist/group did they go to for their first concert? I M A G I N E  D R A G O N S lmao Look what can I say Anna likes the Imagine and Hiccup likes the Dragons 97. Who sleep talks? Hiccup. He mumbles about dragons a lot. Sometimes he jolts awake randomly and just yells out “THE DRAGONS ARE IN TROUBLE!” and Anna has to calm him down after she dutifully manages to not burst into laughter at this. Doubly funny if this takes place in a Modern AU. 98. Who is the more social one? Anna! Hiccup generally prefers to either keep to himself or hang out with animals. 99. What are their karaoke songs? For some reason I feel like anything by P!nk??? Idk why, but I can see them like rocking out and singing along to p!nk songs together and getting really into it. Also basically anything by The Killers and, at Anna’s request, The Chainsmokers (Hiccup thinks this is very basic music indeed but goes along with it for her sake XD). AND “Whatever It Takes” by Imagine Dragons. And they sing it LOUD. 100. Who would get up on stage and make a fool of themselves just to make the other laugh? Highkey both of them??? I kinda feel like Hiccup moreso though, if his little comedy routine imitating his dad in HTTYD2 is anything to go off of. He definitely wouldn’t be averse to making an idiot of himself to amuse Anna, especially since she’s so damn cute when she laughs. Anna, for her part, loves returning the favor, and is all about trying to do all sorts of Goofy Antics to amuse her boyfriend. And she’s overdramatic af, so she gets WAY too into it XD

[got2ghost-archive]

10 niche interests

i was tagged by @jlf23tumble for niche interests (I THINK? it was like a month ago) i somehow...... got to ten. 

1. this soriku manga that is kind of extremely dark and about riku’s possessiveness over sora that he literally lets sora’s pet chocobo get hunted by a stray cat so that sora will cry in his arms. i read this originally when i was like. 13 and it just stayed with me for my entire life! the power of stories! i love this entire mangaka’s work because she goes from them as childhood friends all the way up to dream drop distance where riku is much happier and realizes how wrong he was which is a RELIEF. i literally... consider her work canon. even tho it is not at all

2. this list is gonna just be about embarrassing things i have done and said in my life...... manip of jack and will from the pirates of the caribbean gif that was on photobucket i remember frantically searching drarry edits on photobucket dot com and somehow this will and jack MOVING MANIP appeared. i was not a huge pirates stan but there were very cool girls in elementary school that i wanted to be friends with that talked about it CONSTANTLY and bc i wanted to be involved in their convos i said “YEAH LIKE THAT TIME THAT JACK AND WILL KISSED” and addi, the cool girl, said “that never happened.” level of shame and exposing how gay i was 16/10.

3. every child has a movie they attach to and this was mine. i haven’t seen it in years but i’m very sure that the main artists did a lot of LSD. 

4. my comphet crush on skandar keynes who literally only acted in the narnia movies and then disappeared. 1) he looks like a lesbian but also 2) i wanted to look like that so it was mostly just gender envy

5. speaking of gender envy how i LITERALLY HAD AN OC THAT WAS JUST A MALE VERSION OF ME? this is combined with my obsession with mafia stuff as a teen? 

6. MAFIA STUFF.... I GUESS. i used to literally “cosplay” as stereotypical mafia shit. like white button downs + suspenders + fedoras and slacks. me and my friends would watch mafia movies and we all became disconcertingly good at doing new jersey accents that i still hold this talent today.

7. ALL OF THE MYTHOLOGY OF ARCHANGELS. i grew up in a very baptist state, first of all, so i was barely exposed to catholicism AND i grew up buddhist, so i have no idea how i became so enamored by archangels. i specifically the fall of lucifer! and the inherent eroticism of michael being the perfect model angel fighting with lucifer who loved god the most out of all the angels??????????????? DADDY ISSUES!

8. this is archangel related still. this song is incredibly beautiful and intense and passionate and the story goes that tartini was visited by the devil who played him this song and he woke up and wrote it as closely as he could, but he said that it couldn’t even capture a 10th of the actual song. ANYWAY. every time i listen to it i think about as lucifer’s lament being cast out of heaven and it’s SO GOOD AND YES! I HAVE SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL!

9. this list is UNEXPECTEDLY CHRISTIAN? how many times have i watched this movie? once. how many times have i listened to the soundtrack even tho it’s LITEARLLY christian rock? countless. i don’t know WHAT IT IS about switchfoot but it still remains as one of my most listened to albums and also mandy moore’s voice is just so sweet.

10. MCFLY. we’re ending on a boring one? it’s not too niche but basically if you aren’t british or were weirdly obsessed with lindsay lohan’s last movie before she dovetailed, just my luck, you’d never know about them! they did write a couple 1d songs as well, but they were my bandom for like. 3 years and i wrote fic and modded for mcflyslash on livejournal! 

i’m just gonna tag my wife @scottspack​ I WOULD LOVE! TO KNOW! 

and then tag some pals who i want 2 see this! @alienfuckeronmain​ @newleafover​ @pattern-pals​ @vibey-lesbian��

[lovemesomesurveys]

Is there someone you’d like to hug right now? Not at the moment.

Do you feel like you’re gonna lose someone that means a lot to you? I pray that doesn’t happen for a very long time, but it is a thought that likes to creep to the forefront a lot for some reason to mess with me.

Do you want someone dead? No.

Why aren’t you in bed? I am.

How many hours did you sleep last night? Almost 9 hours, which is extremely unusual. 

Last person you talked to? My brother.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over? Too many.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Nope.

Do you like ferris wheels? Nooo.

Anything you’re giving up on? I’ve given up on a lot over the past few years. :/

What is on your mind right now? My mind is jumbled.

Are you waiting for anything to happen? I really wish it’d start cooling down now ughhh. We’re STILL having triple digits and high 90s with no end in sight. D: With the way 2020 is going, I’m honestly scared we’re going to get an even longer summer. In California it doesn’t start to feel like fall until like mid October, but we can see the temps dropping progressively. This year we’re having record highs for this time of year.

Do you like anyone right now? Not in the romantic sense.

Do you like to sleep? I love it.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations? I don’t have any.

Last movie you saw in theaters? The Invisible Man back in February. I miss going to the movies.

Are you a jealous person? I can be, but I haven’t felt that in years. I feel envy often, though. :/

Do you enjoy Facebook? Sure. I don’t spend a lot of time on there, but there’s interesting stuff. On my feed, anyway.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope. Could you go out in public looking like you do now? I’d fix my bun first. I don’t go anywhere nowadays except for my one doctor appointment a month.

Are you a morning person or a night person? Night.

What did you do Saturday night? Same stuff I do every night that I’ve listed many times.

Is your bed comfortable? Yeah, I mean it better be since I spend most of my time in it.

What were you doing at 1 in the morning? Eating ramen and watching YouTube videos.

On a scale from 1 - 10, how much do you like to cuddle? I don’t have much cuddling experience to be honest.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yeah, only like once or twice.

Get asked anything ridiculous lately? No.

Does it annoy you when people send three more texts while you are trying to respond to the question they asked in the text before that? Not really.

Do you like to read? I love to read.

Have you ever played a Wii? Yeah.

Would you ever become a vegetarian? No.

Who was the first person you talked to today? My brother.

Are you sarcastic? Sometimes.

How is school? I’ve been done with school for awhile now.

What color eyes does the person you like / love have? Are they pretty? I don’t like anyone in that way.

What color is the keyboard you are currently using? The keys are black with white lettering. <<<

When was the last time someone took your picture? My mom did on my birthday.

What color was the last jacket or hoodie you wore? Black.

Can you recite the alphabet backward? I could, but it would take me a little longer.

Do you eat chili when you get a hot dog, or do you like it plain? Was never much of a hot dog person, but on rare occasions I’d have a chili dog or one with just mustard and ketchup.

Would you say it’s easy for people to make you smile or laugh? Usually.

Do you own any dresses? If so, what colors are they? I have one back dress.

Would you say you drink more pop / soda than you should? Nope. I only drink a little bit when I have to take my medicine, otherwise I don’t drink soda. I used to have one can or sometimes one 16oz bottle a day for several years until about 2 years ago.

Would you rather have orange juice or milk with your breakfast? Ew, two disgusting options. Give me coffee.

How many different colors has your bedroom been painted? Just white. I’ve never painted it.

Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Even though my mom and I are close, that’s not something I’d want to discuss. 

What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? My state is still burning, in fact yet another huge fire started recently because of someone’s gender reveal party gone wrong. That really infuriates me because it’s like, we’re already burning and they decided to literally add more fuel to the fire. It’s fire season and we’re having triple digit temperatures, like wtf were they thinking? AND we’re in a pandemic, why were they having a party anyway??? Ugh. In other bad news, it’s still really hot and there’s no cool down in site. D;

Have you ever been in a car wreck? No, thankfully.

Do you have your ears pierced? If not, what do you have pierced? I do.

Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? No. I can’t imagine why anyone would think I had that.

Would you say you’re really good at cooking and baking things? Uh, no. I don’t cook or bake.

How is the weather outside right this second? At 5:32AM it’s 73 F. That is way too warm for this early in the morning.

Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? Around the neighborhood, yeah. There’s a lot of buildings nearby as well.

Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. I can’t see why anyone would call me that either.

What did you last heat up in the microwave? My eye mask when I was dealing with that awful stye last week.

What is the last thing someone bought you? Food.

Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed? I’m still up, but my brother came to say goodnight a few hours ago as he was headed off to bed.

What are you listening to? An ASMR video.

Have you made a mistake this past week? I make a lot of mistakes.

Has anyone ever taken your clothes off of you before? No.

Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back? I’ve waited for texts/IMs in the past.

Have you ever touched a dead body? I touched my grandma’s hand at the viewing. I’m surprised I did that, but I was an absolute mess when she passed away and seeing her lying there like that was really hard and for some reason I just did it. I almost wish I hadn’t because I don’t want that image of her in my mind. It also made it harder because touching her was obviously not the same as when she was alive.

Were you anybody’s New Years kiss? Nope.

Laptop or desktop? Laptop. I haven’t had a desktop since like 2004. After that, the only time I used one was at school.

Don’t you hate when radio stations continue to play the same songs? That was always annoying, but it’s been a few years since I’ve listened to the radio, so I no longer have that problem. Although, I listen to the same stuff on my Spotify playlist lol but that’s different okay.

Does your bedroom door have a lock on it? Yes.

Have you ever had a real tea party? Or been to one? I went to a cute tea place with my Nana, aunt, and cousin for high tea on my Nana’s birthday a few years ago. The finger sandwiches and desserts were delicious. I forget what tea I had, but it was good.

Where’s the last place you got Mexican food? This local place.

Have you been called a tease? Yeah, which I never understood. I never led him on, used him, or played him like he did me.

[missholson]

SHIP HISTORY MEME

Embrace your past and get to know your friends’ fandom origins!

Rules: Post gifs of your fandoms / ships starting with your most current hyperfixation and work backwards. (Bonus points if you share any stories about how or when you got into that ship! But not necessary!!) Then tag anyone whose fandom history you’d like to learn about!

Tagged by the sweet @unwillingadventurer​, thank you girls! <3

Hoffmann & Tennstedt (Das Boot) The baby face & the stone face. :) The biggest reason for this series is my sister, who tried to lure me into the fandom already last summer by showing the first episode. Sadly it was a far too distressing experience. The story is about a WW2 German warfare, so it isn’t very light entertainment for Saturday night. The show seemed like a worth watching production, though, but I doubted if I could ever watch it completely. After visiting Berlin now in February 2020 there was no hesitation anymore. The story focuses on the Nazi German submarine, U-612, and the occupied city of La Rochelle in France. However, not everything is as black and white as one might expect. One of the biggest messages of the show is that war is always brutal, no matter which side you fight. The innocent are always suffering. It also shows how the ideal thoughts of warfare crumble, if it comes at the cost of greed, deception, health or life. There is disagreement among the leaders on boat, too. The new commander, kaleun Klaus Hoffmann, is young and inexperienced but kind-hearted and wise. Next on the scale, IWO Karl Tennstedt, is an experienced sailor and an glory-seeking soldier, who envies Hoffamann's position. He regards Hoffmann as incompetent and a disgrace to Germany. So, there is plenty of tension between these two!

Louis & Philippe (Versailles) I started watching the show sometime in 2015, but found it quite distasteful. It was more brutal than expected, and I was overwhelmed by people's greed and dirty behavior, so I stopped watching after a few episodes. Every now and then I saw pics/gifs on Tumblr, especially of Monsieur and Chevalier, that I finally wanted to give another chance in January 2020.  This time the experience was the opposite, and I got a better grip on the story. I was surprised how little I liked the popular Monchevy pair and, instead, so much the quarreling brothers. I was very moved when they joked with each other and showed brotherly love. In the scenes of conflict, I missed their compassion. I haven't watched the rest of seasons 2-3 yet, so I don't know if they get better. I hope so because together they would be a powerful duo.

Matt & Cherry (Red River) I had recorded Red River (1948) on my set-top box, and the closing date was expiring in December 2018. It was Montgomery Clift’s breakthrough movie, so it was a must see. The movie was a refreshingly different western, where the hero is not a macho cowboy and John Wayne a bad guy for a change. But most of all, I was amazed how Cherry Valance's behavior towards Matt Garth was so heavily double entendre. At first they are presented as challengers and opponents of each other. Slowly Cherry starts to show admiration for Matt, and increasingly talks about his gun. In return, Matt needs Cherry's shooting skills to herd cattle. Eventually they become each other's trusted ones. I always find it fascinating, if tension begins to develop between the opposing characters. If the story has a couple that doesn't change, develope or lacks dynamics, it probably won't arouse interest.

Fritz & Dr. Frankenstein (Frankenstein) I had seen a Tumblr gif of Renfield crawling in Dracula (1931) in August 2018. It was Dwight Frye’s breakthrough role. The movie inspired me to watch other Universal monster movies, of which Frankenstein (1931) became my favorite. The work pair of the story, these two outcasts of society, melted my heart. For unexplained reason they have joined their forces and seem to be working well together. They have a mutual partnership, where they can act naturally without fear. Their work is unique, e.g. digging the graves or snatching hanged bodies, but they treat it like any other dayily job. Somehow, I like this way of approach. Actually I have written about Fritz already earlier, where I take a closer look at their relationship. The text can be read here.

Adrian & Antony (Sebastiane) Well, this couple is a specialty of its own. They are another ones found through Tumblr. I saw a picture of them in June 2018 which led me to watch the film. In terms of story or acting, it's not a very special movie but technically professional level. First of all, it was shot under the blazing Sicilian sun on 35 mm film. The light is a vital factor when using a film camera, so the pictures look very rich. The scenes, where these two are having fun together in slow motion, are breathtaking. I had never seen anything like it before and, in my opinion, stole all the attention of the story since they were just characters in supporting roles. It was like a gay paradise on earth.  Here I realize the importance in the way how the characters are presented. The technical presentation can play a surprisingly huge role when we try to read and understand the characters. It can influence us either to share their thoughts or to move even further away from them. Bonus points I give for Latin, which the entire cast is speaking in the film. I would also like to clarify that this is not a p**n movie or a family movie either. It’s a gay erotic story with some full frontal nudity.

Reinhold & Conrad I’m not sure if this is a ship or fandom, but I feel extreme warmth and joy for this pair (the Berlin trip may have something to do with this). They are also the only people from real life instead of characters. I’d like to share my story about them, unfortunately it's very long (I've never been a fluent writer) but explains my interest in more detail. I got to know Conrad Veidt already in high school at the turn of the millennium, the time before DVDs. Near the school there was a buy-sell-exchange movie shop, where my sister and I visited regularly. Somehow we ended up with the idea that we wanted to see The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920), so we went to the store again. There was no copy, as expected, but the seller said he would keep in mind if one came up. Months passed and after a long break we visited our regular place again. This time, the man had news for us: he had received a copy and kept it in safe for us. We couldn’t believe our eyes and ears. First of all, the kindness of the man made us speechless, and secondly, we never thought we would get our own copy of such popular rarity. At that time movies were not re-released as often as they are today. It was a VHS cassette, bw, not tinted like the original version, and its quality was far from the 4K richness and sharpness. My sister still has the tape and is one of the treasures she will never give away. For years the film was the only Conrad movie we saw, along with Casablanca - until the digital age and the social media arrived. Again I have to thank Tumblr, where I found the actor Anton Walbrook. One of his most famous films, Viktor und Viktoria (1933), is directed by Reinhold Schünzel, whom I knew from Conrad's film Different from the Others (1919). I began to study Reinhold's background more closely in December 2017, and it turned out that he is a forgotten multi-talent in the film industry: He was a versatile performer in comedies and dramas, a prolific director and an idea-rich screenwriter. He had an eye for creating stories that were told in the minds of people in addition to acting and lines. He questioned gender roles and built juicy plot twists around them. He loved theater and was a popular celebrity in 1920’s Germany. He was also a colleague and friend of Conrad. They began their film careers at the same time in Richard Oswald's films, shared the ups and downs, even their wardrobe, and reached fame. Eventually they both had to emigrate from the national socialist Germany, so their paths parted. The following reunions were always a joy, “like the meeting of comrades who fought in many wars together”. Reinhold was supposed to direct Conrad’s first film at MGM in Hollywood, but the plans were changed. They never got to work together since the German years, when Conrad died suddenly. “Part of my life is gone forever”, as Reinhold wrote in his tribute to Connie's death in 1943. He returned to Germany in the end of 1940s and died in Munich in 1954. This is why they are so precious to me and why I find it important to share the memory of these two lifelong friends. The picture is from Eerie Tales (1919), one of their earliest movies together with the director: Reinhold, Richard and Conrad. Reinhold’s full tribute can be read here.

I’m tagging: @wohlbruecks, @perfides-subjekt, @kennyboybarrett, @chapinfan69​, @electricnormanbates​, @ars-historia-est​, @suchamiracle-does-exist​ and anyone who likes to do it. Would you like to share your stories behind your otps? :)

[artemissarrows]

SOTUS The Series: Patriarchy & Queerness As Redemption

Okay, it’s been a little bit! But I have certainly been consuming a lot of queer content I need to discuss. First up is SOTUS The Series! It’s a Thai boy love (BL) show about an engineeing college that has a super-intense hazing culture. One of the freshman (Kongpob/Kong for short) stands up to the hazers who make them do endless squats and such….and ends up falling in love with the head hazer (Arthrit). It’s a romcom so you probably know where this is going.

I *hope* this goes without saying, but HAZING IS NOT OK and should not be lifted up as a normal part of a university experience. It is abuse, full-stop. One of the yuckiest things about the show for me is how the administration is totally and completely fine with it. People who are invested in the hazing culture (and, frankly, the showrunners) try to make the case that it teaches teamwork and problem-solving and stuff like that. Not really! More importantly, it’s incredibly damaging to participants and there are a lot less harmful ways to teach those lessons, if they’re really so important.

We could just leave it there--on a surface level, it’s honestly pretty enjoyable. The two leads have pretty solid chemistry and are quite believable (at least until the very end, when they’re equally as awkard three years on. But as my partner Mx. Arrows pointed out, they are painfully awkward engineer nerds on top of everything else, so maybe that’s actually realistic. Anyway.) It’s funny. It’s heartwarming. It’s gayyyyy. The supporting friend characters are also kind of fun and I like them.

But there are some other noteworthy things going on here that I’m interested in teasing apart, and which I’m not entirely sure the show intended. Let’s do that! Lots of spoilers after the cut (but again, it’s a romcom, there’s only so many things that can be spoiled). Note that I have only watched Season 1, I know there’s another season.

It’s about the patriarchy.

The more I thought about it, the more it seems reasonable to see the SOTUS (hazing) system as a useful dramatization of the patriarchy. When I say “the patriarchy,” I mean a system of dominance that gives men power over women; SOTUS also privileges older people over younger, straight people over queer people, etc.etc.. Here are some of the ways that we can see this system of dominance playing out in the structure of the hazing system:

The SOTUS system is run by men, exclusively. There are 6 or 7 head hazers, and they are all men

They belittle, berate, and punish their younger charges for doing things like looking the wrong way, singing slightly out of tune, or questioning their authority to mete out dubious punishments for nothing at all

It’s quasi-military, with uniforms for both the hazers and the freshman, and endless drills and the blind loyalty and authority that comes with military order

Women who are not freshman are present in the second tier of hazers, beyond the men. They are ancillary to the men, and their helpers. In particular they are the medics: they ensure that the hazers can assign their punishments etc. while also ensuring that it doesn’t get too out of hand and that no one gets hurt too badly. Without their assistance, the men could not do what they do, and could not enforce this system.

The head hazer, Arthrit, also uses sexism and homophobia as weapons to enforce control and order. Of course, he’s aware that the structure of SOTUS is headed by men. But he also taunts the freshmen in these ways too. At the beginning of the year, the hazers demand that the freshmen fill books with upperclass students’ signatures. In exchange for his signature, Arthrit demands that May, a female student who asks him, give him her number and take her picture. She’s clearly uncomfortable with the interaction; it happens in the lunchroom and she’s one woman who’s the object of the male gaze of 6 or 7 seniors. In that same scene, Arthrit also harasses Kong in a homophobic way. Again to get his siguature, he forces Kong to shout “I like guys!” three times loudly, and then to ask something like 10 male students if they’ll be his boyfriend. (He then doesn’t give his signature.) Mind you, this is something like day 2 or 3 of school in the show.

Arthrit is one repressed dude. More on that later.

It’s Also About Cycles Of Abuse

We’ve established that the SOTUS is all about dominance and control based on gender and other heirarchies--but that’s just the system in one particular point. What happens to this system over time? That’s where we get into cycles of abuse, and how SOTUS harms not just the freshmen who are on the receiving end of the abuse, but also harms the hazers themselves. Let’s look at Arthrit, the head hazer/one-half of the lead couple.

He’s an extremely homophobic and self-hating gay, at least to start with. Per above, he actively promulgates homophobia. He’s also deeply uncomfortable with expressing affection toward men, and Kongpob in partiuclar--though apparently fine with grabbing Kongpob’s shirt when Kongpob stands up to him during a hazing session. When they share their first kiss after Arthrit finally confesses his feelings, Kong tries to hold his arm and hand and he keeps shoving him off. Then they go on another date, where they meet a fellow student at the movies and Arthrit lies and says it’s not a date. (This is not the first not-not date they’ve been on together...this is not at all relatable. Not at all ^_^) Anyway, it takes him and painful time to do that.

He is a seriously repressed and emotionally stunted person, and being the head hazer is a major part of why. As head hazer, he berates the freshman, he enforces order, he snaps at them, he plays games where he makes them humiliate themselves for his attention and benefit. He is comfortable ordering people around. But when it comes to being in touch with his own feelings, he’s hopeless. It takes him forever to realize he has feelings for Kong. He’s deeply confused about it, up to the very second he kisses him. His friend Knott literally has to tell him to talk through difficulties with Kong and not let them stew. He spends most of the show running away from Kong, hiding from Kong, or otherwise finding ways to not open up to him. It would be funny, if it weren’t deeply sad.

Friends, this is classic toxic masculinity. At least his friend Knott has his head on straight and gives some decent advice.

I honestly get the sense that Arthrit is a quiet, introverted, and smart guy, who felt like he was forced by duty to become the head hazer, the one everyone looks up to. Even when he’s with his hazing friends, he seems aloof, apart, and alone. But guess what: he made that choice himself! When he’s sick--because he ran 54 LAPS IN A DAY for a hazing challenge--we see that he’s into comic books, and action figures. We learn that he also gets good grades, so is obviously smart. And even when he talks to his friend--the former head hazer who recruited him--about his feelings for Kong, his friend tells him, “be tough.” (His friend also implies that he hasn’t dated much...no surprise there.) Sigh.

Are we meant to envy Arthrit, feel sorry for him, or both? He’s at the top of the social structure of the school, but he doesn’t seems particularly contented, and in fact seems disconnected. He’s the person who seems to have it all, but has nothing. I’m somewhat curious if others share this reading of him as a discontented bully who longs for human connection.

We can also think about the succession of the head hazers, and how the head hazer before Arthrit chose him, and how Arthrit chose Kong. The one before Arthrit chose him because when he punished Arthrit for speaking out by telling him to greet a banyan tree for three whole hours, Arthrit did it. Then Arthrit chooses Kong because he speaks out and heckles Arthrit. It’s super interesting to me, but I think the thing is to identify people who have strong enough feelings about the system--and care enough--that speak out and therefore demonstrate leadership skills. They then turn those feelings of rebellion back into the system and coopt them. Toward the end of the show Kong starts to feel more invested in the hazing system and I was hoping that he would try to reform it; he doesn’t seem to that much. Kong says that he likes the teamwork and problem-solving aspects of hazing; he could do those things as head hazer and take the abuse out, but he doesn’t. Cooptation.

It’s Also About The Redemptive Power Of Queerness And Queer Love

This says it all.

They’re at a party, and someone asks Arthrit if he and Kong are dating. He says, “so what?” and throws his arm around Kong’s shoulder--and Kong seems pleasantly surprised that he’s able to do this publicly. This is just ugh, so beautiful, and Krist/Arthrit acts it so incredibly well. It’s truly the first time we see Arthrit truly, hugely, bashfully smile, in the whole show. It’s always been a sardonic smile, or a joke at someone else’s expense. But here, he’s just experiencing happiness and joy, even if he’s still quite shy about it and can’t look people in the eye while he hangs his arm over Kong’s shoulder. Queerness as redemption is a trope I wish would become a thing!!

PS, here are some screenshots of Arthrit making fun of Kong’s food habits. Enjoy the fluff <3

[fipindustries]

my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

Yesterday, I watched the german satire The Misandrists (dir. Bruce LaBruce) at the LGBT film festival Chéries Chéris in Paris. I went to that movie with a bad feeling about it, but it ended up being way worse than I thought it would be.

[Content warning : rape, torture]

The movie is set in a lesbian separatist environment where young women are taught to hate men and to become terrorists to take over patriarchy. A new woman, Isolde, has arrived recently and has trouble fitting in because, contrary to the other students, she doesn’t seem to be interested in getting naked or having sex. The others call her a prude and the chief of the movement, Big Mother, is very unhappy with her unwillingness to have lesbian sex.

Isolde and Hilde (who has a huge crush on Isolde) meet a wounded anarchist man, Volker, in the field near the school. Isolde decides to take him to the school basement to nurse him back to health. They end up being attracted to each other. When they make out and Volker wants to go further, he realizes that Isolde is a trans woman who still has a penis. Isolde says something like “I’m still a woman, just a woman who happens to have a penis”, says that it doesn’t make him homosexual and that he should “align his revolutionary ideology with his sexual politics”, so Volker ends up sucking Isolde off. (and I guess this is seen as a nice moment in the movie because Isolde finally has sexual pleasure, yay)

Meanwhile, Big Mother thinks of creating a porn movie as feminist propaganda (and also because they lack money and she thinks porn and prostitution are the only empowering industries in capitalism?? what) Two women are appointed as the movement’s pornographers and watch gay porn both as “research” and “aversion therapy”, even though one of them ends up being turned on and they make out (also, yes, that means I had to watch two very explicit gay porn scenes).

Editha, a new woman who seems to have a crush on Isolde, finds out that she’s trans by creeping on her in the showers. She’s horrified and doesn’t show interest in her again. Unfortunately, Big Mother decides that Editha and Isolde will be the pairing of the first porno propaganda movie (and they get no say in the matter). Editha gets upset and outs Isolde as trans to everyone. The other women are shocked until Isolde reveals that Editha is an undercover cop. Another woman reveals that Isolde has hidden a man in the basement.

Volker is captured. We find him naked, attached to a table with his legs spread out. Big Mother tells him that if he really wants to join their cause, he needs to get his “gender re-assigned” and she castrates him (that scene had really big bloody close-ups on the castration and screams of pain for a whole minute so I looked away). Speaking of reassigning gender, Isolde also reveals that she injected hormones to Volker against his will while he was wounded.

Isolde is worried about her future in the community after what happened to Volker. The teachers tell Isolde that she can keep her penis because they know “she’s truly a woman in her heart”, a teacher even reveals that she’s a two-spirit herself.

Editha admits that she’s an undercover cop but that she hasn’t said anything and got converted to the cause. She gets told that the only way to prove it is to participate in the orgy of the porn propaganda film (Isolde included) so she says yes.

The last sequence starts with the group hijacking a movie theater and forcing people to watch their movie. They enter the theater with weapons and separate men and women in the room (didn’t understand why) and we end on the porn movie itself (so yep, I had to watch porn). The End (finally)

--

Welp, that’s a very long summary but pretty necessary so you understand everything that’s wrong in that movie.

It’s pretty obvious that the movie wants to mock radical lesbian separatists + radical feminism in general and lesbians in general.They are shown as ridiculous fascists (I mean Big Mother, really?) who don’t do anything worthwhile except having sex. They’re supposed to have classes (about herstory and parthenogenesis for example) but everyone is bored with them and don’t care about it. Their lesbianism is shown as something between a hobby and political ideology, instead of a simple sincere sexual orientation.

The director knows absolutely nothing about lesbian separatist communities. They live in the countryside but don’t have a garden and animals to provide for themselves, so they resort to shoplifting and coercing their members into doing porn?? (also they don’t have money but half of them are wearing heavy make-up, I think they didn’t have body hair either)

Isolde describes herself as a “separatist among separatists” and is clearly meant to be seen as the resistance in a fascist microcosm by being a homosexual male. (Also I’m pretty sure Isolde is the only character to have actual sexual pleasure in the movie, the only one who moaned?) The other women admire her, envy her or are attracted to her. While Volker had to be forcefully castrated without anesthesia to be considered a woman, Isolde was completely accepted as a woman with a penis by the community.

Basically, lesbian radical feminists are creeps who mutilate men and coerce vulnerable women into doing porn because it’s empowering, while the trans woman main character, the “two-spirit” teacher and the one dude seem actually rational and compassionate. Projection much? 

(The entire movie is actually pretty interesting if you see it as one big masculinist wet dream full of misogynistic projection, everything makes way more sense. I mean, there’s even a whole pillow fight in slow-motion out of nowhere and short school-like uniforms.)

I could go on and on, but I’ll just say that on Twitter I’ve only read that the movie was transphobic (because the lesbians don’t want penis and are horrified that Isolde has a penis) and that “misandrists aren’t all TERFs!! uwu”. Needless to say, this is lesbophobic, anti-feminist propaganda and a terrible movie in general.

[ted-hyung]

nielwink hitman au (I enjoy your writing a lot!! honestly it doesnt have to be hitman au but nielwink is all I need)

anon-sshi i, forthe love of god, am too mild for hitman!au. here, have a 2.5k fluffy bodyguard!auinstead.

feat. another thug!daehwi, lame bodyguards, jihoon being a teenager, a girl group member, glorified age AND size-difference, all the good stuffs for sunday. plz comment, likes, and reblogs, tell your friends about my fics etc ʕ – ㉨ – ʔ ʕ – ㉨ – ʔ ʕ – ㉨ – ʔ

also tagging le queen @6ungjin tell me whachu think imma on a roll.

one of the newbodyguards looks like a big dog. no. an overgrownpuppy. oh my god, jihoon thinks, ashe hides a grin behind his hands and steals another glance at the man who isso, so big and wide. his glaring ash blonde hair further convinces jihoon thathe’s a… samoyed puppy? or maybe a golden retriever? ugh, especially when hesmiles and his eyes disappear like he just demonstrated over somethingjisung-hyung says. the apples of his chubby cheeks aren’t helping his cute appearance at all! he doesn’t looklike a bodyguard no matter how much black attires he’s wearing from head totoe! jihoon is weak for cute things!

“bro, controlyourself,” daehwi hisses from his left. he’s speaking without moving his lips,a talent that he’s mastered for variety show appearances but actually comes inhandy at situations like these. everyone’s been picking up his talent andchecking out girl group members are easier nowadays god bless lee daehwi andthe entire k-pop industry.

“what the fuck?”jihoon hisses back, coughing a little to cover up his never-ending grin andmostly his portrayed image as this aegyo machine who’s just oh so pure and innocent—not the foul-mouthed prettyboy he really is.

“you’repractically vibrating,” daehwi says while pretending to look down to his phone.“he’s cute, i know. i want to hug him too. but seriously control yourself.don’t scare him away on his first day.”

“shut up itagged him first.”

“no, you’renot.”

on his right,jinyoung hisses at them as he opens a bag of potato chips loudly, “guys,please. just share him, we still have dongho-hyung, remember?”

daehwi hums,acknowledging his slip. dongho-hyung is their favorite bodyguard who’scurrently on leave due to sickness—lies,they know he got knocked over by a horde of fangirls with folding chairs andexpensive cameras when they were at incheon airport last week—thus the reasonwhy management is hiring two new bodyguards in the name of kang daniel(jihoon’s, thank you very much), and im youngmin, a smiley but tall and just aswide, if not wider, man with red hairand huge hands.

now, don’t getthem teenage boys wrong. living the lush life of being an idol can be lonely;they stutter when they try to talk to any girl groups and they can’t reallymake friends with another boy group since they’re still new, the still need toestablish a solid fanbase before worrying about befriending their literal‘rivals’. they—jihoon, daehwi, jinyoung, samuel, and euiwoong aka boy’sgeneration, the nation’s hottest idol to date—are all lucky to have a superhilarious manager-hyung slash talkative uncle who takes a good care of him.jisung-hyung was once a trainee who got denied his chance to debut thrice, andvowed to be a good manager to every groups he’s managed and he did. boy’sgeneration saw with their own eyes how red velvet girl group members, yes, the red velvet from sm entertainment,always flock around jisung-hyung like he’s their mama bird every time theyhappen to run into each other in music shows recording because he was theirmanager for a long, long time before he got transferred to manage boy’sgeneration.

anyway, besidesjisung-hyung, they also have kind-hearted stylist noonas and hairstylist noonasto talk to in between hectic schedules. choreographer-hyungs and don’t forgetcafeteria staffs.

and then there’sdongho-hyung and his team.

real men in suits with muscles, notjisung-hyung and his bb cream compact but don’t tell jisung-hyung that or elsethey will be denied late night sneaky snacks.

okay, so! realmen! because dongho-hyung is menacingwith the sides of his head shaved and cool tattoos, lots of them! he doesn’tshave and doesn’t moisturize at night! euiwoong once looked him up on naversearch and found that he had black belt in taekwondo and got an honorable medalfrom the navy because he helped rescuing a north korean refugee from drowningat the yellow sea. wow, right? daehwieven talks about him a lot on interviews, saying that he aspires to be as manly as one of boy’s generationbodyguards so please wait for me blooming as a real man a little bit longer,guys, saranghae~

daehwimonopolizes dongho-hyung all by himself whenever they have a vacation, sittingnext to him in the plane and clinging to dongho-hyung’s thick arms as they tryto swim across beastly fangirls waiting for them at the airport. dongho-hyunghas three people with him, all looking like they can kill with their gaze butis actually a sap. there’s wonshik-hyung who talks too fast, gets confused bywhat he says, and teasing him is boy’s generation favorite pastime. next, theyhave taekwoon-hyung; the quietest, the scariest, but also the sweetest when itcomes to tending any of boy’s generation needs. he’s got a soft spot forjinyoung who blurts out random nonsense at times that never fails to crack himup, and jinyoung even introduced taekwoon-hyung to his cousin-noona. the lastone in the bodyguard team is shinwoo-hyung, an actual bear personified. he’ssquishy and wide, sleeps a lot, and lets samuel and euiwoong braid his longhair.

jihoon is closeto all of them, but he wants one just for himself. kang daniel seems like agood candidate because im youngmin looks like he’ll be strict despite hisoverall soft-looking appearance.

ʕ – ㉨ – ʔ

nothing majorhappens.

daniel-hyung, asit turns out, is a dork. he’s a big fan of harry potter the series and he anddaehwi are bonding over their favorite book; harry potter and the goblet offire. he speaks english too, and if jihoon is a lesser man—boy—he would havehidden all of daehwi’s shoe lifts because daehwi’s been looking so smug afterhe talks to daniel-hyung about finding nemo or other american stuffs jihoondoesn’t really care. youngmin-hyung, true to his prediction, is the gentlestand smartest and prefers to tutor them instead of fully doing their mathhomework (shinwoo-hyung did it before but their grades didn’t actuallyskyrocketed ha ha ha).

jihoon is bored.

he’s recording apopular eating show alone today as a special guest alongside a girl groupmember who made jihoon’s heart skipped a beat the first time he got a good lookof her smooth, long legs clad only in a pair of pastel pink colored tennisskirt. she’s super nice, not overly friendly or even touchy with boyish cutblack hair and orange tinted lips, but jihoon can’t afford to be comfortablewith an opposite gender now. probably not ever until they’re years into keepingboy’s generation relevant.

jisung-hyungcan’t go with him because the rest of the members are filming an openingsegment for their newest variety show, boy’sgeneration 101, that jihoon had filmed prior this schedule. daniel-hyunggot assigned to accompany him instead and he’s being chummy with the girl’smanager-noona, both standing underneath the shade of the years old oak treejust across the road, looking like a movie star with a simple black polo shirtand black bermuda pants. jihoon notices that daniel-hyung’s calves are just assmooth as the girl’s and he chokes on a quiet laughter.

“hi.”

jihoon yelps,and the girl apologizes for startling him.

“no no, it’sokay,” jihoon splutters, standing up from the plastic chair he’s sitting. he’sjust barely a couple of inches taller than her and it’s making him sad. “hi.hello.”

the girl,ahreum, smiles and it’s not a flirty kind of smile. jihoon hopes he doesn’thave a chili stuck in between his teeth or something when smiles back at her.

ahreum says,“the PD-nim told me we’ll be back filming in ten minutes.”

“right, whew. ican’t wait to have the dessert to be honest,” jihoon nods, thanking the godsthat his stutter isn’t as severe as samuel that foolish maknae. “um. what wasyour favorite dish?”

“i loveeverything,” ahreum giggles, “i just love seafood so much. you’re allergic toshrimps, right?”

they’re filming,you guess it right, in busan. it’s dongho, daniel, and youngmin-hyung’shometown. jihoon is not even a big fan of seafood but at least he could enjoyeverything else that wasn’t shrimp. the dessert is some unique flavor, homemadeice cream. jihoon loves sweets and he’s going to eat a lot because jisung-hyungis not here with him to watch his sugar intake. the agency told him to lose acouple of weights because he looks bloated lately. it’s the goddamn chocolatebars jihoon bought on impulse the last time he got his paycheck. tch.

“are youthirsty?” ahreum asks, “let’s go to 7-11 just down the road. i’ll treat youcola.”

as much asjihoon loves cola, he can’t have it due to his sugar diet. “can i have pocarisweat instead?”

ahreum nods,smiling. she’s pretty. “anything you want.”

jihoon tellshimself not to blush like a pre-pubescent boy. “um, wait here. i have to telldaniel-hyung,” he says, putting his hands in the pockets of his sponsored denimshorts.

ahreum looksover to where her manager and daniel-hyung are still talking, and comments,“your bodyguard, right? he’s really handsome.”

jihoon, in lieuof snorting in annoyance, blurts out, “he’s a dork tho.”

“still.”

yeah, well.

daniel-hyung iscrossing his arms on his chest; they’re bulging heavily unlike jihoon’stwig-like ones. he doesn’t wear any makeup but his skin is flawless and jihoonenvies him for sweating freely, while he has to be careful not to smear his bbcream away whenever he dabs his sweat with tissues. daniel-hyung smiles whenjihoon approaches near, and the manager-noona greets him politely.

“ahreum and iare going to the 7-11,” jihoon says, “do you want something, hyung?”

daniel-hyung’sanswer is immediate, “i’ll go with you.”

ooo…kay?

jihoon frowns.“it’s just down the road,” he waves a hand to the general direction of theroad, even though truthfully he hasn’t seen a 7-11 near the dessert house.

daniel-hyungtilts his head, a very cute habit that makes him look more and more like anovergrown puppy. if only he’s not being annoying right now, jihoon would havebeen squealing. in his head.

but he’s beingannoying right now.

“right,whatever.” jihoon mumbles and makes a u-turn, and he hears a loud horn ananosecond before he realizes he’s being held back by daniel-hyung’s strong andheavy arms. someone curses out loud but jihoon’s ears are ringing with howdeafening his heartbeats are. he wasn’t looking and he almost got hit by aspeeding motorcycle, all because he thought daniel-hyung, who saved his life,was being annoying for wanting to go to 7-11 with him and ahreum.

…

daniel-hyungsmells like baby powder.

“jihoon! are youokay?!” that’s ahreum, eyes as big as saucers as she runs towards him but notbefore looking both ways for any vehicles. jihoon gets a glance of the eatingshow crew in a various state of shock, and daniel-hyung is still holding him upwith gentle hands because jihoon doesn’t think he can stand upright without ahelp anyway.

“ahjusshi, is heokay?” ahreum asks, addressing daniel-hyung formally. weirdly. daniel-hyung is only twenty seven years old, exactly tenyears older than jihoon but his birthday is on december. he’s an oppa, really,not ahjusshi.

…

did jihoon tellyou already that daniel-hyung smells like baby powder? because he really does.

“he’s alright,he’s fine,” daniel-hyung sighs, softly, like he doesn’t want to spook jihoonmore if he speaks in a normal tone. “jihoon-ah? can you hear me?” he asks,carefully maneuvering jihoon in his arms, cupping jihoon’s face with his gentlehands that smells like milk. probably his hand cream.

jihoon blinks atthe question, and a tear falls.

ahreum makes adistressed sound as daniel-hyung envelopes him in a hug. he’s so warm, sogenerous with how he strokes jihoon’s hair to reassure him that he’s stillhere, safe and sound. jihoon wraps his arms around daniel-hyung’s torso, nailsdigging onto the fabric and the thickness of daniel-hyung’s skin, vaguelyrecalling whispers from ahreum and her manager-unnie and soon enough the PD-nim’sconsolation that they will hold the filming until jihoon recovers from hisshock. jihoon wants to go home. he wants to curl up on his bed with hisfavorite polar bear plushy and a bar of dark chocolate cadbury. he wants toerase his makeup and sleep with a clay mask he got from his fans. but mostimportantly, he doesn’t want daniel-hyung to let him go.

ʕ – ㉨ – ʔ

nothing majorhappens after that.

it takes jihoonapproximately a week and a half to get back to his old self, to get over thehumiliation of his own childish view of life that almost cost him his life or aleg or worse; his face. daniel-hyungnever brings up the issue and he seems to pay more attention to jihoon eversince. he volunteers to accompany jihoon on his next personal schedule and he’salways the first to reply to jihoon’s question on their group chat, actuallycoming over with a bag of cheetos when jihoon jokingly asked for it, summerthunderstorm be damned.

he looks like awet, overgrown puppy as he shows up on the front door and jihoon pouts, whiningand pulling him inside where it’s warm and jisung-hyung just cooked spaghettiand kimchi soup.

“i’m sorry!”jihoon squeals as he runs to his room to get towels. euiwoong is eyeing himfrom the top bunk, one earphone dangling as he monitors their latest music bankperformance like a good leader he is.

“are you talkingto me?” euiwoong asks.

“no,daniel-hyung is here. he brought cheetos!”

“what the…”euiwoong sits up. “cheetos that you asked on group chat? and what are youdoing?”

“towels! can iborrow yours? i’ll laundry it tomorrow.”

“bottom shelf.”

jihoon grabs twowhite towels embroidered in his and euiwoong’s initials—the perks of livingwith four other boys and one adult in one apartment, they can’t risk sharinggerms thus the territorial towels—and runs back to the front door wheredaniel-hyung is laughing at something jisung-hyung says.

“yah, thisbrat!” jisung-hyung scolds jihoon, but he’s helping daniel-hyung pattinghimself dry. “and you! you didn’t think to use any umbrella or what?”

“i was alreadyout,” daniel-hyung sniffs, concentrating on his hair. “thanks, jihoon-ah.”

jihoon nods,tongue-tied mostly because he was just joking about craving cheetos yet herethey are.

jisung-hyungclaps his hands. “oh, right! how was the date?”

daniel-hyunglaughs and tells them that she ditched him. jisung-hyung gasps, scandalized,and proceeds to rant about how dare she to passover someone as hot as kang daniel! and daniel-hyung laughs again, hiswhole body shaking with the mirth.

…

um.

what?

what was that?

why did jihoon’sheart skip a beat at the sight? is he for real?he’s seen daniel-hyung laughs multiple times before! why now, park jihoon, why?!

[kinsley-marie-blog]

[[ T H E  B A S I C S ]]

Name: Kinsley Rose Ross Age & Date of Birth: 20 -- June 23 Gender: Cis Female, She/Her Astrological sign: Cancer Place of Birth: Helena, Montana Parents: Richard and Rachel Ross Job: N/A

[[ A P P E A R A N C E ]]

Height: 5′2 Build: Slim Skin tone: Tanned Eye color: Crystal Blue  Hair color: Caramel Body modifications: Ear Piercing, Rib Tattoo, Forearm Tattoo Scars & how they got them:

Probably the most predominate scarring on her is from when she was shot and tortured by a gang of men. She was shot in both of her calves and sliced between her breasts on the bone and a few slashes going down her back. 

Typical style of dress:

On a typical day Kinsley can be seen sporting a high ponytail, in a braid, or down, and minimal make up (that she makes last well past the expiration date). In the summer, she wears boots, shorts or jeans, and a tshirt, and in the winter she normally just throws on a jacket or two, a scarf, hat and gloves. Hiking boots are her typical shoe choice, but she also wears sneakers.

[[ B O D Y  L A N G U A G E  & P H Y S I C A L I T Y ]]

How does your character walk: Average, Long Strides, Soft Steps What does your character’s voice sound like: Sweet as Honey, Flowy, Thick and Slightly Seductive Do they have any tics or unique mannerisms: Playing with her hair, rolling her eyes, double blinks, pulls her hair into a pony tail and then lets it back down, touches her neck when nervous How do they smell: Tries her best to smell as florally as she can. What’s their posture like: Tired Are they able-bodied, or differently abled. Describe: Able Bodied, but due to her muscle damage sometimes she walks with a limp.

[[ P S Y C H O L O G Y ]]

Is your character neurotypical or neuroatypical. Describe: Pretty neurotypical. She’s lonely and depressed, though.

How do they respond to stress: She tenses up and becomes defensive. 

What makes them anxious or uncomfortable: Being around someone and not speaking to them, being watched, Men.

What makes them happiest: Attention

Are they an introvert or an extrovert: Extroverted Introvert

Do they find it easy to make friends, why/why not: No -- she assumes everyone is going to leave her eventually so she has a hard time getting close to people.

Do they have any triggers: She doesn’t like to talk about it.

What is their worst fear: Being Shot and Abandoned Churches

Do they sleep well, or have trouble sleeping: She’s usually out pretty quickly but frequently wakes up during the night.

Are they most active during the day or at night: She stays up late and wakes up early, sometimes she takes cat naps during the day. Unfortunately, she’s not on a very good sleep schedule.

How intelligent are they: Average-Above Average in survival, but Below Average-Average in intelligence.

Do they lie often, and how good at lying are they: She lies when she needs to.

[[ R E L A T I O N S H I P S ]]

What’s their sexuality: Homosexual / Homoromantic Are they currently in a romantic relationship: Nope. Are they currently in a sexual relationship: No. How important is romantic love to them: Incredibly How important is sex to them: Incredibly How important is friendship to them: Incredibly How important is family to them:  What kind of people do they get along best with: Easy Going What kind of people can’t they stand: Abrasive and Rude What attracts them most: Compliments! What is a huge turn off: Meekness. Are they close with their family, why/why not: No, she assumes their dead, but she still wasn’t close before that. She resented her mother. What’s their most significant relationship: She doesn’t have one.

[[ H I S T O R Y ]]

What’s the worst thing your character has ever done: To her, she doesn’t think she’s ever done anything bad, but her instinct tells her that it was abandoning her half sister even though she knew that she would die on her own.

What’s their happiest memory: Her happiest memory was when she went to Disney world with her family -- including her biological father and her big brother. It was while her dad was trying to work through things with her mom and they visited Magic Kingdom for two days, Animal Kingdom, Epcot and Universal Studios! She was only 8, but she still says that week was the best week of her life.

What’s the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to them: When she was tortured... it gives her a lot of anxiety when she sees a group of men.

Describe a childhood memory that is important to your character: In Kindergarten, Kinsley’s mom made her join girl scouts against her will. Her dad took her every other-week, and instead of going every week he took her bowling, or to the movies, or to the gym so they could spend some quality time together

Describe a memory involving their family: Her dad leaving and taking her brother with him. She was ten, and it broke her heart. Her mom couldn’t get her to go to school and could barely get her to eat. All she could do was cry, she wanted to go with her dad, and even told the judge that. But she was still given to her mother instead. That day broke her heart.

Describe a memory involving school: She skipped school a lot in middle school. She’d met some high schoolers in her neighborhood and they came over to the middle school for an event. They sneaked Kinsley out of the school with them and they all skipped the bus and went to Dave and Busters.

Describe a memory involving an animal: Her brother got a golden lab for his birthday one year! Granted yes, it was his birthday present, but she remembered holding the puppy the whole way home from the pet store. Kinsley, as a small child, thought the dog was for her even though she was giving to to her brother for his birthday. The child strolled through the hall of glass windows, eyeing over each and every puppy before she finally landed on Sadie.

Describe a memory involving a friendship: Kinsley never had many friends, but when she was little, there was one girl at the camp site they frequently visited as a family that every summer she took a liking to. Once, six year old Kinsley got carried away with packing and brought her entire dress up wardrobe. One day after swimming, the girls put dress up gowns on themselves, their dogs, and anyone else they could find and proceeded to put of a “Parade of Princesses.” There’s pictures.

Describe a memory involving a romantic relationship: She was sixteen, the only relationship she’d ever been in has been this one. Her Dylann was her soul, her light, her life... they were together for about six months before they became romantic. They lived in a tree house and Kinsley had gone out on a mission while Dylann stayed home. Tuesday and Thursday were here day, where as Monday and Friday were the others, Wednesday and Saturday they went out together, they worked together like clockwork. But, this time, when Kinsley came back, Dylann acted by placing a strong kiss on her lips instead of the normal hug. Instead of pushing it away, she embraced it.. and Dylann knew exactly what she was doing.

Describe the first time they experienced loss: The first time she felt true loss was when she found out that her mother loved another man. There wasn’t anything she could’ve done to change the outcome, but suddenly she felt so low. As a child she remembered her family being happy and being together -- now that was broken. Her father was crying, her mother was mad at her Dad, her brother was angry at her mom... it was a big chaos of emotions. Eight year old Kinsley wasn’t quite sure what she felt besides all of those things rolled up into one. While everyone screamed she sat on the couch in utter silence. That day she lost respect and love for her mother.

Describe the first time they got jealous: It was over a bike. She was five and her brother was ten and he was getting a new bike for his birthday and she wanted one, too. But, her birthday wasn’t for a few more months. He got a big, shiny, black and silver two-wheeler. Granted yes, last year for her birthday she’d gotten her first set of training wheels but she wanted a big girl bike. It was the first time her parents had really told her no and stuck to it, but watching him ride it around beside her dirty set of training wheels struck the brunette with envy every time.